"5 Most Common Mistakes of Estranged/Alienated Parents-How to Heal Them" Dr. Joshua Coleman
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- Опубліковано 1 лип 2023
- Parents who have been cut off by their children experience enormous pain and confusion. Sadly, those emotions often cause parents to communicate or behave in ways that hurt their ability to move the relationship with their children toward reconciliation.
In this talk, I will review the 5 most common mistakes and the best way for parents to heal them if they have occurred.
Dr. Coleman is a psychologist in private practice in the San Francisco Bay Area and a Senior Fellow with the Council on Contemporary Families, a non-partisan organization of leading sociologists, historians, psychologists and demographers dedicated to providing the press and public with the latest research and best practice findings about American families.
He has written for the New York Times, The Atlantic, NBC THINK, The Behavioral Scientist, CNN, MarketWatch, the San Francisco Chronicle, Greater Good Magazine, AEON, Huffington Post,
Psychology Today, and more. He has given talks to the faculties at Harvard, the Well Cornell Department of Psychiatry and other academic institutions. A frequent guest on the Today Show and NPR, he has been featured on Sesame Street, 20/20, Good Morning America, PBS, America Online Coaches, and numerous news programs for FOX, ABC, CNN, and NBC television.
He is the author of numerous articles and chapters and has written four books: The Rules of Estrangement (Random House); The Marriage Makeover: Finding Happiness in Imperfect Harmony (St. Martin's Press); The Lazy Husband: How to Get Men to Do More Parenting and Housework (St. Martin's Press); When Parents Hurt; Compassionate Strategies When You and Your Grown Child Don't Get Along( Harper Collins).
He is the co-editor, along with historian Stephanie Coontz, of seven online volumes of Unconventional Wisdom: News You Can Use, a compendium of noteworthy research on the contemporary family, gender, sexuality, poverty, and work-family issues.
His books have been translated into Chinese, Korean, Russian, Polish, and Croatian.
He is the co-editor, along with historian Stephanie Coontz of seven online volumes of Unconventional Wisdom: News You Can Use, a compendium of noteworthy research on the contemporary family, gender, sexuality, poverty, and work-family issues.
Dr Coleman also writes music for film and television. His music has been featured on Lethal Weapon, Chicago Fire, Chicago PD, Longmire, Shameless, Keeping Up With the Kardashians, Fresh Off the Boat, Supergirl, Mistresses, Hustlers, RuPaul's Drag Race and many more.
In the beginning it was “reconciliation at any cost” for me. 7 years later, of introspection, counselling, unsuccessful attempts at reconnecting, oceans of lonely tears, research and reading, and no answers to my questions, I have accepted my daughter’s decision and, thankfully, come to some semblance of peace. I no longer wish to reconcile at any cost, and certainly not at the expense of my dignity or my newfound serenity. She is welcome back as a whole, healed and compassionate individual. I loved my girl with my whole heart, and she kicked me to the curb like a piece of trash with no explanation. She wants to talk boundaries? I have lovingly declared mine.
I'm with you sister!
Same here
Hard healthy boundaries are actually the best model for them anyway. I have had years of therapy and learned self love. Being gentle with yourself. I have son's as a mother I think a girl would have been hard. I am not necessarily proud of that - I was a pain in the ass and have my own mother issues. My mom got Alzheimer's and it was really horrific and I felt horrible for her. I think her unresolved trauma drove her crazy. She was a very controlled self sufficient person who eventually was just overwhelmed with the inability to juggle it all. Gabor Mate is a excellent Dr. whose theory we need to be loved unconditionally by our loved ones and our culture is toxic to mental health.
I have been going through this for 20 years now. I have finally come to the same conclusion. My son has made his decisions and now I have made mine and have written him out of my will.
My DIL said something about me behaving ‘entitled’ .. I gave them a boundary: don’t ever accuse me of having an attitude of entitlement again. I simply don’t feel entitled to anything in this life except paycheck at the end of the pay period. I am not entitled to a relationship with them or their children. And the other side of that coin is .. they are not entitled to a relationship with me. I am not going to be crushed and hurt by them. Their children simply will not have their Nana.
I am moving past the pain, disloyalty and this generation's extreme narcissism. I want to be free to be myself around people who love me and enjoy my presence, I always pray that they are healthy, loved and at peace, we all deserve that..
Well said 👏👏👏
Same here.
Me also! Amen to the extra unlabored time!
@@michellefoster6557 I couldnt agree more, time to be at peace and love life..
I want to let go but I don't know how. It isn't so much missing my daughter who had started abusing me long ago but my grandkids.i hate seeing them suffer through all this. They were with me every other weekend most of the time. It has been almost two years
Let them go! If that's what they want - LET THEM GO! The greatest power they have over you is when you NEED a relationship with your children/grandchildren - when you are desperate for reconciliation. Stop being desperate. It's not your /my responsibility to make amends, tippy toe around so that I don't say or do anything that might make them feel bad or uncomfortable, or let them off taking responsibility for their own decisions. Your letter of amends simply plays to them, and empowers them, and shows how little respect you have for yourself. It took me a long time to understand that reconcilliation at all costs is not necessarily a reasonable goal.
I have been working on a letter for years. I make all the effort. I make all the phone calls. I’m divorced from their narcissistic father who spent time in bars and cheated and was physically and emotionally abusing. I’ve been a doormat all my life. I’m so glad I read your post. I will not send a letter. I’m done.
Agreed
It’s killing me that I can’t see my grandchildren
@@tammyheverling2729Same!
Making amends and taking responsibility is how you repair the relationship with your kids that you destroyed.
My parents were far from perfect but that was never a requirement or expectation. My friends parents were the same, all just muddling along, doing their best. We all loved each other, in spite of ourselves. Millennials were encouraged to label their parents "toxic" and cut them out of their lives, the ultimate thought-terminating cliché, instead of working on acceptance and forgiveness. It's a generational tragedy.
So true!!
Bingo!
I wonder if this is a learnt theory from somewhere.. misunderstood books, lessons in college etc
couldn't agree more!!
I'm starting to believe America has a mind virus that had invaded our children's lives to destroy and challenge reach of us. Whatever happens, live your best life in spite of the hateful TUDE presented by our children.
After so much time, it becomes clear it's not the end of the world losing closeness with an adult child. They don't all deserve the immense energy it takes to go through these mental gymnastics over and over again. Their presence loses its value over time, just as they claim they wanted to happen. Let go and enjoy your life with those who RESPECT you! Those people deserve your time and energy, not those who are abusive and inhumane.
I’m here at this point-love them from a distance and move on.
Well said!
Well said.
YES!
Amen.....I'm tired of having to beg to see my grandson, focus on the people who value and respect you
I don’t think I was put on this planet to be a punching bag for my children. I love them, but if they find happiness in being self-absorbed and abusive toward me, they can do it “over there”…way over there. I have to go on to find meaning in the years I have left.
Us nurses often get the toxic people in our lives that create the havoc we then ha w to live with.
Us nurses often get the toxic people in our lives that create the havoc we then ha w to live with.
Us nurses often get the toxic people in our lives that create the havoc we then ha w to live with.
Us nurses often get the toxic people in our lives that create the havoc we then ha w to live with.
Us nurses often get the toxic people in our lives that create the havoc we then ha w to live with.
Some things are just broken and you cannot fix them. Obsess about it and you lose, attempt to fix it-you lose, blame yourself-you lose, blame them-you lose. For heavens sake, people LOVE yourself and go find happiness elsewhere. Love yourself enough to let go of your past mistakes move on! Don't lose any more time chasing bad kids that have little or no capacity for forgiveness, or understanding! Besides there are lots of people who would appreciate your time! Find them!
Well put. Pretty much says it all.
Some people can deal with it and others cant
Completely agree with you. My daughter made a decision and I'm not knocking myself out trying to reconnect. We aren't awful people, our other daughter loves us and wanted us to move next door to her when she had her first baby, so that's a great testament to how we were as parents. So not making any effort to reconnect with an adult that I now know I can't trust to be kind. So my advice is the same as yours Miquel, take care of yourself and move on.
Do you know how to read? Did anybody say any of these estranged adults are bad? Nope. But some ADULTS, some PEOPLE are broken and it isn't necessarily because of how they are raised. Sometimes it's in their nature to separate.@@ThursdaysChild-zk2pd
@@ThursdaysChild-zk2pd Have you not read the story of Cain and Able? Children grow up to be adults, who make their own decisions. Thats why church Pastors often have the baddest kids. And don't get me started on kids of divorced parents who use the child as a pawn to hurt the other parent.
My daughter hasn't spoken to me for several years. I love her and sincerely wish her well, but I will NOT coddle her, nor lie and hide my feelings for ANY relationship. I did my job in raising her. She's an adult now and can make her own choices. I'm also free to make choices for myself.
There’s always a good reason why an adult child cuts off a parent. I cut off my abusive narcissistic mother from my life 11 years ago, and I’m finally leading a peaceful life. Thank God she’s the “ignoring” type - because I would hate for her to be stalking me; like some narcissistic mothers do to their children when they get cut off.
I'm sure she's glad to be rid of her self centered cold hearted offspring too.
I agree with you and I think it's interesting that only one of my five have cut me out. But still there are those who want to blame me. My daughter that is estranged, didn't just cut me out, she cut out the entire family. Is everyone to blame with the exception of her? Makes no sense. I think the ones preaching so hard that this is somehow our fault are those doing the same thing.
@@grannygoes7882 Of course she cut off the entire family; that's exactly how scapegoating works. The entire toxic family usually targets one child to be the scapegoat. When that child finally says "Enough" to the abuse and leaves the toxic family, a new scapegoat gets assigned that role.
@@pamc3338 Nice try -- but your gaslighting won't work on me; so save it for your next victim. And if your child walked out on you, thank God for her that she's been saved from your toxicity. I wish her a life filled with love, happiness and peace! 🙏
Not buying the "if you are reconciling, the child sets the rules." Yeah, no. If they want to be treated as an adult, and be considered an adult by me, then they meet me on adult level, and taking responsibility for their actions, because I did not abandon them. They aren't getting a pass on their bad behavior because I'm the elder. I'm the parent, but not the doormat.
totally agree.
Nobody would want you as a parent. Your bad parenting won’t get a pass. You can die alone
Amen
Yep.
Yep.
What's very sad is that society and that dark forces have deliberately started to ruin the "family"!
I sadly agree.
Right!!!!
No dark forces have come for the family. Narcissistic culture has ruined the family and nearly every American in this country is responsible.
The “family”challenges the power of the socialist states complete power,the socialist propaganda promoted by the teachers union..
So very true and a society will not last long when families fall apart.
I feel it's important to look at every situation individually and not make generalizations. Some adult children are genuinely awful people to their parents, while some parents are awful and deserve their estrangement. The context gets lost when talking about experiences on the internet because we really just don't know what went down, and what important details are being omitted.
Well said. It's odd to me how anyone can assume they know based on a comment. Estrangement is a process too with a lot of emotional upheaval and defenses so you never know what stage someone is at in that.
100%
Qwerty .. what's *your* context?
@@christinecooper772 Can't assume? ..
IF When you look at how a person has languaged their comment, 'word' *choices* are a window helping to read between the lines of their situation or mindset..
I agree. Your point is very important to keep in mind on an individual basis. Also, sometimes addiction is impacting the astrangment on either side.
Im having a hard time moving past the pain. I stay in bed, cry, letting the depression win. I know I have to pull myself up and just get on with life. Thank you for this video. It helped today.
Please try and find hobbies or volunteer work, watch some tv shows that interest you, but most importantly trust God and pray. Maybe find a church with support. God bless.
Hi there, I haven't been cut off entirely by my son, 21 years old and my only child, but I have had very limited contact since he moved out 3 years ago. I have been there staying in bed all day, trying to sleep the day away, only to get up to take the dog out, looking and reading about this issue on the net, and then yesterday I found on UA-cam this lady talkig about her estranged daughter. It has helped me a lot because I thought I was alone with this strange problem, it does get better though. And now for me is how to talk to my son when I see him again because I have been so sad, unhappy and alone because he couldn't be bothered to visit me, give me a call okay he always ansa my text messages but maybe first the next day. The betrayal I have felt when he has spent Christmas with my siblings in another part of my country, well knowing that I could not afford to go, it's been a nightmare for 3 years. You are not supposed to get angry at your child and make them feel quilty but I think it will be extremely hard not to let him know how I have felt for the past 3 years now. I think it will get better you learn to live without hem in your life and only see them very seldom, I have my little dog and myself, so from now on I will try to not think as much about him as I have done and concentrate on me and my dog and planing what I want to do in my life later. All the best tina
I am so sorry to hear that. It shows that you have a heart full of love that you are so sad. I hope it will heal in time.
Baby steps, focus on one thing you can do to feel better each day. B take a shower, walk around the block or around house, put on a silly song that you really don't want to hear but makes you want to move... Reach out to a parent group, write, pray, anything. This isn't a reflection of you, it's a broken culture.
I have 2 estranged daughters and have no idea why. I also have 2 sons, and one of them is now estranged from me...he's the one I helped the most because he is the one who needed my help the most. I am thinking of suicide as this is way too painful. . .. .but I can't do this to my last 2 grandsons. Yet I am constantly crying.
So glad I found this channel. I thought I was the only person who had such uncaring children. It has been years and I am still in a state of shock. So sad that is so common now.
I am so glad that you found us too! Sorry for your situation. I hope all of our videos help you.
I’m 6 minutes in and feel the same way. Just cried buckets this morning again… no words for how bewildering this estrangement is. I could NOT have tried harder to be the best parent ever. My beautiful grandkids live 15 minutes away but it may as well be 3 hours for how little I’m permitted to see them. My heart is broken 😭
@@MB-sg8dx so very sorry for your situation. I do hope our videos help.
@@FamiliesDividedTV thank u
@@MB-sg8dxthere are reasons you weren’t liked as a parent.
I have accepted that my daughter doesn't want me in her life, and with that realization, I have found that I am much happier without her in my life. She caused me constant pain and anxiety, so she really did me a favor. There will be no reconciliation from me even if she wants one. I'm done. She's grown and she's on her own. I wish her luck. I love her, but I no longer miss her.
Your honesty is appreciated. Hard to admit that being away from the constant abuse is sometimes the best thing.
Wasting our precious time grieving and crying and basically not really living is not going to change things. I’m right there with you. 13 years for me and I’m just now living my best life and I’m happy. There will always be a deep sadness but I’m not letting it control or dictate my life anymore. I completely quit holidays all together. I think this year I might put up a little tiny tree for my puppies. Haha. When this happened to me , I knew no one who was dumped by their kid. Now it’s all too common. A trend. Super sad. We only have 1 life to live and it’s fleeting. Be happy. Live your best life and just be the best version of yourself which is a daily healing process. Give yourself a break. Take care of You !
@lisahull6059 exactly.
20 years for me this month.
I ruminated far to long
I also didn't realize this happened to women as much as it does 😢
I also realize the narcissist would never watch a video like this.
Nor would they care of any self improvement whatsoever .✌️
I have had to ask myself, would I choose to be a friend to a person like this if he/she was not my child? Would I put up with the hate, injustice, and judgment from anyone else?
The difficult thing is not to return evil for evil. That only multiplies the evil.
The best thing for me is to go on and be thankful God has brought these children into my life for a season. I did the best I knew how.
Now, I proceed with the rest of my life doing the next thing God has called me to do, trusting He will bring the people He wants in my life.
I continue to pray for my four childrens' repentance and then it is all in God's hands. He has the ultimate control anyway.
No more grief. I use that energy to make myself stronger physically, emotionally, intellectually, and relationally.
"When my enemies turn back, they shall fall and perish at Your presence, for You have maintained my right and my cause; You sat on the throne judging in righteousness." ~ Psalm 9:3,4
My son & I were fine until the university he goes to taught him to break away from family who don’t believe what you do. This is a serous epidemic that no one talks about.
This is a true statement as some therapists also are saying the same things sadly.
@@FamiliesDividedTV I'm confused. You're telling me a professor stands in front of the class and teaches college students to estrange themselves from their parents? Or is it the dean? The college president? I attended a very liberal college not that long ago and not once were students instructed to leave their families. In fact there would be so many complaints, ethical violations, and firing of staff... this bizarre scenario doesn't even sound remotely true. Most universities rely on parents paying tuition or helping with FAFSA forms. This idea of institutionally taught estrangement would be bad for business. This feels more like a conspiracy being posited by troubling but fashionable anti-college, anti-intellectualism folks and being passed on as truth. When education and educators are the enemy, we are in for a scary future as a society. Don't believe everything you hear if it doesn't make logical sense.
@@Sara-ls3kw I am confused. I said therapists.
What is the dividing belief?
@@jordanbetts1572 to ask this question to Dr. Coleman, please contact him at the info given at the beginning of this video.
Never thought I would feel this way, but I am so over it. The son we had was lost as an adult. We just think of him as being gone. Our sweet boy is indeed gone 😢
I am truly sorry. I do hope our videos help you.
Me too. Our sweet child was a gift for a time.
@@reginasarno4696 That's what I am trying to trick my mind into believing. Mourn him and try to get on with life. Kind of hard to do because I know he's alive and thriving, based on the photo updates he regularly sends everyone except me.
You still have the memories of that sweet boy but the adult he turned into betrayed you. Had the same experience, so I agree 100% with what you said.
@@ddhqj2023 well said
Managing relationships with adult children that reject us is a heavy, heavy load. I'm grateful to have found your channel, pleased to discover ways to accept, manage, and understand this unexpected turn of events. Strangely comforted that I'm not alone. Thank you.
So glad we can be of help to you.
@stacey9003 RIGHTTTT
You said it exactly right.
This unexpected turn of events PS me in deep pain. I would never have thought my son would say that we did not have a close relationship. He could call me anytime and he did. What is BPD wife turned him against me.
If you would have bet me a million dollars that this would happen, I would have taken that bet.
I would never have thought this would have happened.
@@WestVirginia1959 so sorry for your situation. I hope our videos help.
Ditto. So sad that this is a common ever increasing problem 😢
No divorce but- kicked to curb. I gave $$, time and sacrificed. That is on me. Never again "lose yourself" in others. You come first or you are a empty bag blowing in the wind of their opinion and they know it. They may say cruel things even make up false memories against you. Hold fast in the truth. Do not budge. Protect yourself. ❤❤
Great advice I wish I had read it 30 years ago Tess
I didn't come around until my 30's - nothing against my parents- I was just self absorbed - my brother said when we were younger "our parents are just people" - no super powers - just trying to live a good life - they did a good job - sacrificed much - they probably got hurt by their children more then they ever caused (unintentionally) - sometimes you have to let things goooo - life is short - glad we were able to have the good times we did - they are both gone now - they were better people than I ever have been - I now strive to be more like them - perfect - nope - just treat others they way you want to be treated - boundaries are for everyone- respect them
Everthing comes down to EXPECTATIONS.
I really appreciate your insight on that. Truly ❤
And then they were gone forever
Gone forever and nothing but lost time and regrets. Winning!!
Lordy, I hate to see the outcome of our own childrens' children with this advice given. Lol. Been there, done that but my coddling days are finally over after 30 years now, thank goodness. I'm free and it is my turn to heal for the very last time.
dam right well said - I was thinking same thing
My estranged son actually sent me a text stating that one of his conditions for being part of my life was that I give him $ 5000.00 . As much as I love my son, I will not be black mailed. If I have to buy a relationship with him , I do not want it.
That’s a bit shocking. So sorry you’ve had to endure this abuse.
Absolutely! What a jerk!!!🤮
Good for you! if you would have gave in one time I am sure it would happen again! Just work on yourself and live the best life you can. We aren't getting any younger!
And you're sure this WAS your son, and not some phishing con criminal that somehow got your number and texted you, hoping his scam would deliver?
If you're sure it was, indeed, your son... well then... extortion by your own kid... insert eyeroll here! Ugh! Let's hope he someday grows out of this dishonourable and despicable behaviour.
Wow. That’s just inhumane of him.
This was so helpful thank you. My son’s wife convinced our son that our entire family including his identical twin brother are evil and toxic. It’s been since 3/2020 since either of us seen or talked to him. I would like to say though that my healing was to stop apologizing and taking responsibility for false accusations by the DIL, I’ve experienced it is the adult child that inflict guilt and shame on us. Twisting words and meaning. I’ve accepted I might not see him again, but pray everyday God turns it around.
So very sorry for your situation. Please stay strong and trust God!
@abigailoneill7699
This same thing happened to my family. My sister in law a self proclaimed Satanist has convinced my brother that his entire family grandparents (both sides) both parents and me (his sibling) are all so toxic and terrible and he shouldn't even speak to us. She has a twisted sense of reality and we (my mother and I) finally stopped apologizing for false accusations and stopped begging for them to forgive us for things she twisted in her own head that I'm now responsible for reconciling. I REFUSE to accept her delusional perception of who we are. So my brother cut us all off. It's been since 11/2021. He lives about 7 mins down the road and he won't even "like" photos of his own nieces on fb. That's how petty it is. I struggle to forgive her. I feel she tore my family apart. I think I could forgive my brother but her.... Idk how to. Idk if you know anything about this but when I read about Borderline Personality Disorder it really helped me see exactly what my family and I are going through because of her. Sounds alot like your situation too. Idk you or your whole situation, but after what I've experienced, it sounds like you have encountered the same monster I have, and I'm so sorry for the grief your family has experienced. It's awful grieving a loved one who hasn't even passed away. I'll be praying for peace for your family and for your son to come around ❤
Sounds more than half way there. Acceptance is a tall order. You’ve mastered it.
Make a positive out if it. If you’ve ever been in a group of young kids…one kid is acting out and the others can’t get a handle on the fix.
Change sandboxes.
Set up a game where everyone works together or game doesn’t work. Devise a strategy.
Family get togethers should be off campus…not somebody’s house, reserve a picnic pavilion and bring nets and balls for outdoor team play.
Start Ancestry family data entry. Someone said Ancestry is FaceBook for dead people.
As you research and post family pictures, Son will be peeping over your shoulder. Bring his spouse into it, coyly, at first.
It’s n activity for all. Record history, annotate, share files.
It’s like kids in a group. Just observe for a moment. The group doesn’t know how to bring the wayward sheep back.
Then..somebody will pick up a toy as a peace offering.
DIL wants to stop this. Somebody offer her a toy.
Your story is mine. It is a story that is hurtful, but I chose to pray for my son to be healed from his narcissistic thoughts and anxieties. In my faith and the promises of God I believe our relationship will be reconciled. I have had to forgive myself and my stepmom who's parenting was abusive, critical and controlling.
@@cindykelly2944 I do hope you stay strong and trust God.
I needed this channel a long time ago. Would have saved me years of hurt, pain and second guessing every step around them. They can go. I lived a long life before them, I can live without them. Don't show up crying to my funeral and don't expect anything. I put my entire life on hold working 3 jobs to support and raise them with no help. Now I'm not good enough and an embarrassment in front of their rich friends.
I am sorry for your situation. I am glad that you have found us and I hope the videos help.
OH Elaine. This is exactly what I'm just starting to go through. I'm a man and was separated from my daughter's mother when she was 1 years old. I fought and fought for half custody even though the reason for the breakup was the mother's numerous affairs. Numerous. That's a whole different story. But I worked two jobs, paid child support, took her to events and fun things, paid for everything even though I was flat broke. All my money went to her. Things were very close even as she went to medical school. She's now a surgeon and met some rich guy who pretends to be nice, but you can tell he shrugs my wife and me off. She is starting to do the same. They are engaged now. Wedding is one year off. The family greets us at the door to their party and then walks away. The fiance promises to send us things, swears up and down he will, but never does. All kinds of small things like that. Now, my daughter is doing it to. I can tell that I'm losing her. For the first time since my dog died when I was 22, I cried. I spent the last week yelling at everyone until finally today, I cried. I miss my girl so much. I'm so glad to find this channel. It's going to help me immensely. I think my goal now is just to control myself and get along so I at least can see her from time to time but not invest so much emotionally anymore. I have to start letting her go. It's a classic, tragic tale. Poor working man puts his daughter through medical school so she can make 500K a year and marry into a rich family and ignore her father. I took a lot of her pictures down to help clear my mind, not all of them. I'm going to focus on my hobbies more, I enjoy flying and aviation. Fellow parents: We can all sleep well at night knowing that we did the right thing and we can all love ourselves for being good people. In the end, we're all alone anyway.
@@tomdavis3125 I am so very sorry for your situation. I am glad you found our channel as well. I hope our videos help. Stay strong and trust God.
I don’t know if you are still reading this because I came in pretty late, but I am disabled due to moving around all the time and living in an area. I really didn’t know very well and actually walking out in the yard. I was sprayed by a tree sprayer next door from us, we were renting and I got hypogammaglobulinemia, which is a long word for everything makes me sick because my immune system has been damaged. I tried so hard to be a good mom and actually I was my mom was mentally ill and I think now we know more about the cause of that. Nonetheless, I was able to make sure my son got into every single program available to make him stand out because he did have a higher IQ, and he was very bright. We were cute. We were very close until he met his wife and gradually he has less time for me, and when he was in trouble because he hit somebody over the head with a beer bottle he had a lot of time for me at course. When he told me that his wife’s mother was not invited to anything and nobody in the family spoke to her anymore I felt kind of strange. Her mother married her grandfather and I said oh gosh that must’ve hurt everybody. Well now it’s hurting me. Christine is my daughter-in-law and she is getting colder and colder and she seems to be in control of everything. What is the thing she’s in control of is the fact that my son needs to go into therapy. He is going to die by age 50 if he doesn’t stop drinking. I think there is a time to try to help people and there is a time to just quit because I tried to help him before and he did not appreciate it at all. All my son appreciates his money, and I will give him none I just paid for the wedding shower which is $5000 for this ridiculous great big show on Palm Beach with violins. I don’t like the style these two have. They could take care of this child for a long time with $5000. It’s just really sad that your children grow up and they are different people from you.
@@susanjannarone135 so sorry for your situation. I hope our videos help you.
If you love miss, and hurt in your heart by your child’s estrangement, you are not a narcissist. I promise you.
Unless the Narcissist is pretending or lying which they often do.
@@meleshenko3767 You really don't have anything to offer do you? What would these adult children say about their parents? There are two sides to every story. Nice grift you have going. What did you used to be in, multi-level marketing?
@@meleshenko3767 You really aren't very astute are you? I'm a former paralegal, earned A's in college, won my mock trial, changed Calif law for high-risk crime victims. Knock off the man-splaining.
I grew up in a very violent, abusive family. Father was a CPS social worker and mother was a teacher. My father was a closeted gay man. He threatened to murder us day in and day out. It was so bad, a quiet Italian widower with immaculate gardens next to us told me when I was a girl that he wished my father were dead. We kids frequently starved. I got a job cleaning at a veterinary hospital and feeding animals to earn money to feed we kids.
I again give you a grade of: F. You are short on empathy, have poor reading comprehension skills, and think felony crimes against children are trivial. They aren't.
"There is no fool like an old fool." Stay in touch with the good rabbi. He needs to translate my posts to you, since it's over your head.
I am 61 yrs old.
@@user-yd6th5ch5k I see you in this, i was from a dysfuntional family and experienced many things i didnt want my children to experience, but unknowingly there were others in my family that were narcasists and lied to my children to watch them suffer emotionally. Ive cut them off but too late unfortunately. They have damaged one of my children and my heart aches for her and her family i rarely get to see. She thinks its all my fault and some of it is. The part where i wore rose tinted glasses for so long til i had to admit the truth of what these awful people had done by their lies/halftruths . It caused me a mental breakdown. They will not accept any responsibilities for their lies. They are true narcasists, very sick people. I was fooled by them for so long, how can i blame her for believing them to be good people... I cant... She has been misled about me, just as i was about their pretence of wanting to help her. I have to accept it and grieve the estrangement. It is an open wound which i think will never heal because i doubt my daughters wound will only happen by a miracle... Its her wound that was inflicted by these insidious people that hurts me the most.
so what happened to you? sexually abused or something?@@user-yd6th5ch5k
I don’t think reconciliation is for me. A narcissistic adult child is best to keep at arms distance. Preserving my own self esteem seems a good goal right now but I found your video very informative and worth listening to.
It's a genetic and an environmental disease. Can't fight that. Good for you for realizing what is the best for YOU. People need to be informed about what CAN be done and what CAN'T. We can't change the genetic material of the kids.
My thinking exactly!
I totally agree. I cut mine off and am happier
AGREED!!!
I'm there too. She claimed that her and I both need therapy ( which I have had before). I offered to go WITH her, and even pay for it, since she claims her issues are my fault. She didn't take me up on it. Just told me to not contact her or the grandkids, she even told me not to send them gifts anymore. Her kids especially have become a weapon she can use against me. I'm done. I can't go through this again.
As an adult child currently having problems with my mum, I've got to say that a lot of the things you mentioned when discussing rule 1 are actually things I have considered. I have considered (quite deeply) that my mum had a difficult upbringing, that she did the best she could, that she gave me so many opportunities that I am grateful for, that she did so much right, that she is human (and obviously not perfect).... I worry so much that some of the hurt and resentment I feel is unfair to her. I keep my own hurts to myself (abandoning my own needs again and again) to please her, or in an effort not to upset her, because that is easier than dealing with the shame she tries to inflict on me if I have and/or express a feeling that upsets her (eg. Wanting her to contact me prior to coming over to visit my newborn and I (rather than just rocking up and opening my door without knocking), wanting to feel free to name my own child without any repeated pressure from her about what she would like me to name my child).
Anyway. I just wanted to say that... just in case any parents out there who are going through this wanted to hear that your child might (like me) already be thinking deeply of you and your feelings and what is fair.
I wish anyone going through this kind of estrangement the best of luck (parent and child alike). I kind of feel this information is a little one sided and I would recommend that parents experiencing this should perhaps also watch some videos on topics that might reflect your child's perspective a little more (if you are truly wishing to mend a rift with your child).
Thank you so very much for sharing your thoughts! They are much appreciated. I wonder if you have sat down with your mom and explained boundaries to her? You are being fair and reasonable. I wish my son would sit down and talk with me about all of this. We always were able to in the past. You seem to be a very mature and loving child. Your mom is so fortunate to have you in her life. I will be praying. xoxoxo
@@FamiliesDividedTVor maybe it's not her job to teach her mother about boundaries. Maybe she's got her own child now who deserves all of her effort and attention and worry and maybe she deserves a break from having to emotionally parent her own mother.
Thanks for your point of view. It is nice to know that the adult children are really thinking about the alienation too.
I have listened to the adult child’s perspective which was so helpful! I had totally given up when my adult son reached out to me on Father’s Day!
Thanks to the different perspectives I’ve been hearing, I was able to take responsibility for the boundaries that I cross (well meaning as they might have seem) and he responded immediately saying that this is what he’s been wanting to hear all these years! It’s been almost nine years and after finally given up, I now have hope that we may be on the path of finally, slowly, reconciling.
Thanks for your perspective. I agree it’s beneficial for the parent to hear the adult child’s perspective!
@@djer05010401 it was a suggestion in trying to work out their situation. It is her choice.
@@FamiliesDividedTV I have tried. With regard to coming over unannounced (which might be when bubs is napping, or perhaps my house is just in a state or I haven't had the time to shower yet), she just kept doing it and finding new ways to ensure it was more difficult for me to be cross with her about it ("I was just in the neighbourhood, and look, I have a gift for you" (if you were just in the neighbourhood, how did you have the presence of mind to pack a gift for me?), or "I shouldnt need an appointment to see my grandchild", etc).
I understood she was excited and also struggling at the time because my dad had dementia (he has since past), but it's not that hard to flick a text my way to make sure it's a good time. From my perspective, she saw the reasonable boundary that I needed to feel comfortable in our relationship as a rejection. She is aware of how difficult it is for me to advocate for myself with her, and I think she thought that if she just kept pushing, I would give in out of sheer exhaustion.
All that being said. I love her. She is amazing and there are so many things i am grateful for.
Unfortunately she is very difficult to talk to about any problems or feelings I might have if they are things that might trigger her feeling shame or guilt. I end up feeling like I don't have a right to my own emotions or feelings and so I just keep them to myself and try to soldier on (that's easier than the way she makes me feel if I upset her).
Sadly, this can't really help but lead to resentment and feeling like I just want to run away.
Not all child/parent stories look like mine. I realise there are some parents who may truly have done close to nothing wrong and are less difficult to talk to and yet are experiencing estrangement.
My mum did so much right, but the things she didn't do so well have truly hurt me and made my life quite hard. I'm doing my best to work on my issues so I can do better for my child (who's now 2). I just hope she can work on some of her issues too.
I hope you and your son can get to a good place. It's hard to acknowledge and accept the things you may have done "badly" (whether you're the child or the parent). It's hard to work on yourself, but I really think that's the way back to each other.
Peace, love and best of luck to everyone struggling with this issue.
Last time I talked to my son was 9/9/09. I’ll never cry another tear over him. He got married and his wife is a narcissist, everything was my fault. We live in a small town, and the people talked about my husband and I. I gave up going anywhere , I felt like the scum of the earth! I forgave him,for me. I never want a relationship again, I’ll never be treated like that again. Don’t know the grandkids, but that’s ok. I want to enjoy the rest of my life!
My son married a year ago and cut me out of his life bc I will not allow disrespect from his wife. We were very close and I raised him as a single mom. His wife is a narcissist and does not want me involved at all in their lives. It’s taken me a year but I’ve finally picked myself up and moved on. I will not lower myself to allow disrespect to keep her happy. He was raised in a Christian home. Honor your father and mother. He will someday see the light. If not he will never have me in his life. I’ve accepted that. I wish him happiness and a long successful marriage. I pray for them both daily. My heart has been shattered but I’ve picked up the pieces and focus on the son that respects and loves me. God has blessed me in many ways. Our society has so turned away from traditional values it’s no wonder our homes are destroyed.
@@bf6048 stop telling yourself it’s because you were a single Mom. It isn’t honey. The same has happened to us. You were wise to move on so quickly. It’s such a bizarre situation to find yourself it. I would have bet every dime of every dollar I’ve ever seen that we would never walk thru this situation. But here we are. Tired of waking on eggshells always knowing no matter how careful you had been, no matter how you watch every word, no matter what acts of kindness you have shown, no matter what you had done out of genuinely wanting to connect it would be picked apart and turned against you. We refuse to live that way. Tired of the rug being jerked out from under us. So we build life with the lovely folks around us who are open to love. God bless you
Very well said
My son married an illegal alien with NPD, who alienated him from his family. I understand your pain, and believe you did the right thing respecting his decisions and focusing on your own healing. I pray for my son and daughter-in-law, but that’s all I can do.
I cannot even watch the video as the holidays have just passed another year of being ghosted by my family. Thank you to all of you who have shared your stories. It makes me feel not alone. They will never want to know us and how much we did for them and we have to accept that and let them go.
Watch the video. It made my decision clear as a bell. Lots of good stuff in the video.
I’m a realist, and it took me 10 years to accept that I was just a tool that got them to success. The other parent didn’t care but practiced alienation because he knew nothing would hurt me more. Ooh! The shame, something must be really wrong with me to be totally rejected by my own kids .
I know I won’t see my grandkids until they figure out that I am missing. My kids are so non empathetic and brainwashed and they have a perfect excuse to cut me off. For the last 10 years I was depressed and now I’m bipolar. So now I’m crazy and my ex gets them to believe all kinds of lies.
Game over and I move on; I’m not useful anymore.
One of the realizations I recently had was that I was making a big mistake by defining my worth based on my daughters treatment of me. Please don't make the same mistake.! They may not find you useful but we can't let that define us!
I am so very sorry for all of this. I hope the videos help you. You need to do what gives you peace. God bless.
You might really want to look at.the REASOn/s.you were cut.off...
Really look within yourself
Omg your story sounds like mine! I got blocked and ridiculed by my adult kids, been a doormat and bank for them and grandkids just to be crapped on, no thank you for anything. Just blocked when I stood up for myself. Grown adults. I save so much money now, no gifts, no loans, no nothing. The grands will be 18 soon enough to come find me. Meanwhile I vote for whomever I want without getting yelled at. The ex can say whatever to them, its lies but I don't hear them anymore so I just don't care. Im done trying.
I'm dying inside from the HEARTBRAKE
I’m 55 years old. I’m the child who’s turned away. My mother verbally abuses me, and my father sits idly by and watches. He’s also participated in the past. There’s usually a very good reason a child would do this. I aam surrounded with beautiful friends who are kind, giving and respectful. Why on earth would a sane person tolerate constant overt abuse and hurt. I’ve been scapegoated my whole life, and I had the confidence to just say enough. Apologies, are that difficult when someone behaves atrociously. Their ego is off the chart. I could never swear, demean or put down someone I care about, and no one should do this, ever. I’m much happier now, and wish them well.
9th o
I'm so sorry this happened to you. I'm glad you have loving friends and the courage to see what needed to be done. I wish you peace. ❤
I'm so sorry for the bad parenting you suffered under. Thank you for sharing your victory of health and finding a way out from under the hurt they inflicted upon you. We are all fallen people, and sometimes we break so badly we perpetuate still more hurt on others.
The talk being given here seems to be addressing a different phenomenon, however. These are grown children who are responding to their parents with an overreaction to the normal human failures of being. There is no allowance for struggles and mistakes. The ledger is tipped in favor of unforgiveness and alienation. This is the "kool-aid" of our times.
@@go2therock maybe....maybe not. Most narcissistic parents would be unable to take accountability for the damage they did to their kids. That's part of the narcissism. They truly cannot see the harm they did. And they truly believe their children "owe" them undying love and devotion. Whether or not they earned it. The truth is, there are just as many narcissistic parents as children....
@gordonause6956 I feel for you and stand in agreement with the way you have risen above your upbringing and chosen better. This was your choice, and it was a wise one. The fact is, sometimes parents do a truly wonderful job, but their child chooses to follow a wayward path; and sometimes parents fail terribly, but their child triumphs out of the ashes, as you have demonstrated.
However, today, we are living in such a punitive society and an over-diagnosis mania. THAT is doing tremendous harm to relationships as labels are being slapped on one another, crippling our access to grace, hope, and forgiveness.
I’m agreeing with a lot of what you’re saying. I’m not estranged from my adult children but I do feel alienated. It seems everything must be in their terms. I feel like I ‘am walking in eggshells’ with them! This isn’t healthy either! I’m the one making all the sacrifices so to speak, to get them to spend time with me! I feel like they are still children not adults. And they seem very selfish.
So very sorry for your situation. I do hope our videos help.
That’s the way it starts at first kathrynn3936 and then maybe a letter. With me it started exactly like what you described is going on with you.
@@FamiliesDividedTVhow are we to “counter” these personalities? Son brainwashed by spouse, limited contact with him and my young grandson!!! This is SO wrong and destroying families! DEVASTATING!🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
@@mountain10 There are several videos here to help understand.
I'm going through the same thing. Not estranged but alienated and on top of that her husband told me if he wanted to he could sever our relationship totally. I am heartbroken.
I'm 52. And it took me this long to realize it was okay to cut ties with my mother. She was physically and emotionally abusive, manipulative, and deceitful. I never had a voice and what I thought or needed was irrelevant. A difference in opinion with her meant I was selfish. And my father taught me to "Just keep the peace " wich reinforced the people pleasing and being a doormat. I have offered to go to counseling together and was told by her it wasn't worth it. I choose to believe the words coming out of her mouth. I'm done and my brother is in therapy now too. (Which she rolls her eyes at) It has been a one way street but it's her street. "My way or the highway" is one of her favorite quotes. Sometimes kids have to cut ties for their own emotional health.
Sounds familiar. What I gradually learned to do was to say what I would and would put up with,or I would gird my emotional loins to nit let them force their emotions on me ie grey rock. There was a lit of push-pull but eventually they realized they could nit get what they wanted out of me. I learned to be slightly rude & refuse guilt trip talk by saying “I’m not listening to this and hanging up,” Then they’d either get another family member to do that to me. As if I was a little girl who did not know their modus operandi. But I did not give in.
You are of my generation and I agree with you. Physical and mental abuse is unacceptable and I’m sorry you went through that. You were correct in getting away from that.
The problem nowadays is people between 13 and 43. There was a change in what they experienced as kids and what they were learning. The younger one is in that group, the worse it is for parents who have NOT done a single “bad” thing. All they do is LOVE their kids but they are being cut off without reason.
When one divorced parent purposely undermines the other one, parental alienation can occur. I felt the bond had started to weaken between us. I worked toward getting my son a counselor who helped him to process his emotions. We took a bucket list train trip together and we were able to restore a healthy mother son bond. There were infinitely more details but in essence it was just patience diligence and time.
I took my youngest prior and during the divorce 17 at the time. Over 6 months. Now i am the evil one. 24 years later? I don't know my grandkids. They are teenagers now. I never hear from them. But the Christmas list always appears and there mother calling to see if i got the stuff on the list . Geez. Now only 25.00 cash each.it hurts but no contact in my birthday. Hhhhmmm but the grandpa gets 100.00's of dollars in gifts from all. I don't want fake words.
Love that!
@@Angel_eyes___have them pick up gifts in person and visit. You aren't an ATM machine. Or send them a list of what you want
@@Angel_eyes___ Don’t change. Just gradually shift.
With FaceTime you can call them and see their progress. It’s bonding. Once removed, but bonding.
I take screenshots as we’re talking. Grandson changed unbelievably in 26 months, I have pictures, parents do not……..heh-heh.
I have the pictures dated and put in album form, password protected, on the cloud.
Things are not going to do it, they’ll out -present you in no time flat.
But….rent a two week time share.
Buy in the secondary market if you buy at all.
Play hard to get. A week for you alone. A week to invite them to join you.
Don’t try to outdo them. Create your own version of a new game. It’s like being jilted in a love affair. Living well is the best revenge.
@katrinacarson7379 Sorry to hear. I’m alienated from my two grown sons. They disrespect us in part bc we’re willing to give everything while they give us crumbs. If I were you I wouldn’t get the presents for them if they totally ignore your bday. I listened to Jerry Wise’ youtube “normal rules don’t work for abnormal families”. I think it would really help you! God bless!
It seems that working toward a reconciliation means living with constant pain. I’ve had 13 years of it, now my first grandchild is adding to the pain. I’m smeared by my son to everyone, so there are no get-togethers, no holidays or birthday celebrations. It’s preventing me from living my best life. It almost feels better to go away and live my own life. It’s truly a nightmare.
So sorry for your situation. I hope you can talk and work things out. These videos can help you.
@@FamiliesDividedTV Yes I am going to take your advise, write the letter as you suggest, then move on. I just can’t live the rest of my life this way. Thank you.
@@MarianR1111 many prayers!
That is soooo hard! It’s unimaginable pain
@@CindySmith-lx9qz Yes, thank you for understanding. If I had been a terrible parent, this might be easier for me to understand. Truly a overshadows my entire life. But I’m seriously focusing on writing a new chapter for my future at 62!
My dad was a mean abusive drunk. My mom was emotionally and verbally abusive. They’ve never apologized for anything despite many opportunities to do so and now that they’re elderly they want me to simply pretend like nothing ever happened and to just get over it. They’ve been disowned now for years and while I’m sad about it, I have no regrets.
I do not want to be in such a one side relationship
Omigosh, just found you and appreciate this excellent video. The years raising my 2 sons were the happiest & most fulfilling of my life. I was an exemplary Mother and they're both very educated & successful. They became more & more emotionally abusive however and when I finally stood up and called them out, I was blocked. Blocked online, blocked from seeing the grandchildren I'd been so close to and it's going on 5 years now.
I went through all the phases and made some of the errors you address.
It took years of training my brain to compartmentalize this horrible experience & situation. Now, I'm moving to Guatemala at the end of this year to get on with living life. I am open to adopting a child in Guatemala and this is because THIS - being a Mom & Grandmom - is the essence of my truest, deepest spirit & it cannot be denied, only shifted.
And so, that is exactly what I'm doing. My other choice was to be a hurt, rejected, miserable and desperate person, bribing and begging, no, no longer.
Live your best life❣️
I feel like being a mom was my calling too. There are no resources left
🙏🏻Parents & Guardians: Bless your Child… To encourage Security & Love ~ AND ~ Ask them starting when they’re Young, “WHAT DOES YOUR HEART NEED?” This will encourage Emotional Maturity & Self Awareness of their own Needs &&& That they Deserve the Best from Others.
• Teach Reciprocation & That a Healthy Relationship Includes GIVE & TAKE!
• Teach to Forgive … No one is perfect & we are all Learning!
• COMPROMISE / Take Turns.
• Teach the Red Flags of Narcissism & Coercive Control & that they need to WALK AWAY Fm MALIGNANT PEOPLE!
If WE are too Busy for our OWN CHILDREN’s EMOTIONAL NEEDS… A Stranger w/ a nefarious agenda… MAY weasel their way into their Lives/ Psyche! Remember, Even Youthful Adult Children, fall prey to CULTS that MANIPULATE!
🙏🏻💛🔆🕊🍃
@@recoveringsoul755 Many Cities have aBig Brother/ Big Sister Program, & A Substitute Grandparent Program!
🙏🏻💛🔆🕊🍃
An adopted child maybe more grateful ...don't waste time around people who don't value and respect you
Seriously...
If I had my time again there is NO WAY I would have had children. I couldn't have loved my children more. Gave them 100% of all I had and all I was. There is no way I can break through poisonous parent alienation with the Father who was abusive and neglectful. The way I see this I'm not crawling to adult children who threaten me with violence. I have accepted their hateful judgement of me and have walked away. The best I can do now is pray for them.
It's painful to say out loud, but you know what if I had to do it all over again - I would not have had children either. I gave them absolutely everything. I'm done with being hurt.
The fact that you view it that way says a lot. My mom said that she would go back and not have had us if she could. That's incredibly hurtful to a child. She said that to me when I was 12 years old and my sister was 5 and still remembers her saying that.
Hello Honey
Yes I fully understand how hurtful it must have been to hear those words (that you were not wanted) from your Mother.
I need to ask the question.....
Are you abusing insulting and threatening your Mother ? Clearly not.
What I said about how I feel needs to be understood in the context of my lived experience of being in an abusive marriage. Removing myself after ensuring the children were safe and preparing for university. During their childhood my ex husband encouraged my children to disrespect me and abuse me. I became an unpaid maid. I stayed until I knew my children could look after themselves. There is nothing I can do to change my children's behaviour towards me. It's very painful to live through this alienation. All I can do is let go and let God sort it out. It's my Eldest daughters 40th birthday in a couple of weeks. I have bought a lovely pearl necklet and as every birthday I will send flowers chocolates and a card. I expect as usual she will threaten me by saying she will have a restraining order placed on me. It's all too crazy. I'm only human. If I had of known as a young woman that this would be my fate I certainly WOULD NOT have put myself in this position.
I have two daughters that are no contact for the last 3.5 years. Some of the rules you talk about I understand, however, I keep coming back to that we are talking about "Adult" children. When I think Adult, I think mature. Therefore, don't understand why I should agree/accept when they express how they feel without them doing the same for me (as a mature adult would do). Yes I made mistakes. I've also been addressing my behaviour/life with counselling/psychotherapy. My daughters don't know about that though. Also, people can change, and for the better, when impacted by an event that causes estrangement.
They are my flesh and blood but they are also individuals. Upon reflection, I really don't like their personalities. Their no contact with me is just touching the surface.
If anyone else had treated me the way they have treated me I would have no problem never speaking to them again. My feelings are that my daughters have no compassion, understanding, forgiveness or love for me or anyone else.
I know my value and my worth and will unlikely reconcile because if they've done it once they can do it again. I don't think I could go through rejection again. And yes, I am protecting myself.
I choose to have a joyous life and that means moving on. Since making that choice I am happy.
I was a stay home mom for 20 years the main caregiver for the family. My kids were my world big mistake. I stroked at 42 in the bin permanently disabled. I have managed to stay out of a nursing home and live independently on my own. No contact with three grown children for 20+ years. I no longer wait I have made a new family that is not blood related. Most of my female friends are disabled and mothers. All of the children of God no contact and don’t seem to care that their mothers struggle. There is no changing the reality. The pain has subsided. Mostly, the memories of my children have faded. It’s easier when you have no memories left of them and you no longer think of them. I’m grateful for your channel.
It hurts either way...leave or stay.
Stay hurts forever but leaving finally brings some peace.
This may be the most accurate and relevant video on this topic. Wow, all of this resonates with what we’re experiencing with our son: Cold, distant wokeness has altered his perspective . I’m learning to forgive him for abandoning us, his parents. Forgiveness brings peace. I cannot expect him to change. He is under a spell. We are here if he needs us. But we must let go THANK YOU 😢 ❤😢❤😢❤
So glad that it was helpful.
You sound like someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder aka "the religious narcissist." Write the words "forgive," "peace" and "wokeness" all you want but the message that comes across is that you perpetually "blame and shame" your child. Also, magical thinking: "He is under a spell", Oh, so typical... how did you fail to raise a rational, well-educated young adult? It's on you. Better to accept the truth.
If you are calling your son “woke,” I GUARANTEE that YOU are the problem.
You are not alone! ❤❤
Wokeness? That word says a lot about who you are too.
I’m not walking on eggshells anymore. My son was an awesome son. He married a super sweet covert narcissist. He has been turned into a flying monkey! I saw it happening but didn’t know what it was called. I stumbled onto covert narcissism n it all made sense!!! Everything!
OMG is a flying monkey a guy who does everything to please a sweet, covert narcissist wife?
If it is, then our son is one too 😫
Do they have kids, and what do we do about them?!
It's been 24 years since my son has spoken to me. I've cried a river. Most days I don't even think of him. 😊
I am so sorry for your situation. I do hope our videos help you.
Going on 6 yrs for me. I don't even message happy birthday to him, as he never responds to anything.
@@prayerworks11 so very sorry for your situation. I do hope these videos help you.
@@prayerworks11I bet he was waiting to see a message from you. Now he is probably wondering why there wasn’t one.
@@melindaunknown6411If he doesn’t send any messages or respond to yours for a long time - why would you keep sending messages … it’s far too hurtful to just keep speaking to thin air 😢
I think most of us did the best we could and more than anything, we gave them love. But it hurts like nothing else when they refuse to even talk.
Agreed ❤
I didn't know your children can hurt parents like this. I loved my children more i loved myself, everything I did was for them. Hurt !!
So very sorry. I do hope our videos help you.
I have no problem forgetting my sons abhorrent behavior b/c he too was a victim of fathers narcissism
This session answers so many questions for me. I have been blind sided by my daughters estrangement and frankly, emotional blackmail. Three years ago two things happened in her very successful life. One, she began a relationship with someone who does not share our morals or values, and she began seeing a very young therapist who is of the mindset to only do what feels good, anything else is just guilt. Seeing her father, who is dying of cancer, is apparently not fun enough. I can not see the point in investing in a one sided relationship with her anymore, knowing that if they day should come that I need her, she will not be there.
I am so very sorry. Prayers for your husband. I do hope the videos help.
Sad to hear this, yes I have found some therapist encourage the me me me mindset… please take care of yourself and hope your husband ok ❤️
I think you know why your daughter is estranged, you just told us: "she began a relationship with someone who does not share our morals or values." You don't like her partner and probably told her as much. Having a young therapist has absolutely nothing to do with this. Unless you have been in counseling with your daughter, you have no idea if her therapist has a mindset of "do what feels good." If your daughter is troubled enough about your relationship she is seeking therapy, you've definitely done something. You blame others and take zero responsibility. This is likely part of the reason she doesn't want anything to do with you.
@@Sara-ls3kw are you a therapist?
@@FamiliesDividedTV Why do you ask?
After 8 years of my daughter choosing to distance herself from me, I’ve decided that she’s entitled to her feelings, and you can’t make anyone love you. I did my very best, maybe too much. I believe that after all this time, I must have done a great job as a parent because she’s landed on her feet, has a great job & career, has been able to buy her own house, choose her own friends, and love who she loves. She’s set a huge boundary. I have to respect it, and let go with love & peace. No more tears, or anger over “what did I do”. She left the nest, she’s flown away, and made her own life without me. I hope when she has children, if she so chooses, that she never experiences the pain of a lost child. For whatever reason. I will always love her and welcome her into my life, if she so chooses. To all the parents out there, I feel your pain & I pray that one day you will find reconciliation in your own heart. They will always belong to us.
Very well said. Thank you! I am so sorry for your situation. I hope our videos help.
Very well said
Ditto. I have this relationship with my daughter. I don’t think she will ever have children though she wants them so I am free of that. She never listened to my advice and she has told me she doesn’t need me as a mother anymore but a friend. But friends don’t treat each other as she has treated me. We have tried counseling but it is always my fault about everything. I don’t care anymore. Has taken years to let go but it’s either let go or drown in pain and misery and I won’t do that anymore. Peace to you.
@@teresaalbert5518 stay strong and trust God.
@@teresaalbert5518
If I may Teresa, I’d like to wish you a very Merry Christmas. We share daughter estrangement and you posted something very sweet to me that helped. I do hope at this time of year which is beautiful because Jesus was born today, and he loves all of us. At least your daughter wants you as a friend. My daughter did send me a beautiful Christmas/birthday card as my birthday is today, and it was my most,most treasured gift. The pain will never go away sweetheart, but with God’s helping hand, He will help us with that pain. Life is a gift, and we must all go on with our lives with our girls or without them. I think maybe the divorce I went through caused a lot of anger in her as she took her Dad’s side. We just don’t have any control of what is, we only have God to turn to each day and ask for help and a reprieve. I’m thinking of you today and wishing you happiness. I do hope this has brought you some peace and love.
What this boils down to is adult children who do not wish to take responsibility for their current status of unhappiness. Parents are currently being used as scapegoats for all that is wrong in their children's lives. It's a sign of emotional immaturity and total lack of respect fueled by society. It's a sign of a really messed up, backwards, fallen, and inverted reality. Unfortunately, I know quite a few parents (including me) who are alienated from their adult children and, subsequently, their grandchildren. My feeling is if my child isn't willing to get some joint advice or counseling from a third, neutral party, there is no reason to reconcile. What is the purpose of reconciling if the same old relationship dynamics rear their ugly head and once again sets up the parent for more abuse. And this behavior, quite frankly, is abuse
I 👍 agree
Couldn't agree more with you. They make excuses about there lives and blame you for it..
Blame the kid, that's what narcissistic people always do. When you blame, you give your power away. When you take responsibility, you will get your power back.
@@shannonlindberg1802keep repeating the same thing I don't believe that you have children😂😂😂
LMAO how delusional. That’s exactly the type of thing a narcissistic parent would say. Projecting your own emotional immaturity and delusions onto your child and wondering why they want nothing to do with you. Neither party is innocent in this type of situation but placing the blame solely on the child while refusing to acknowledge that maybe they have a reason to feel this way towards you is exactly why adult children choose to eventually go no contact. It’s exhausting to communicate with someone who just invalidates you and won’t listen.
Thank you. 8 years i have wanted to die. The CRUELTY.....The CRUELTY.
THANK YOU. Your words were very helpful. Truly helpful. Thank you again.
So very welcome. Many prayers and hugs.
My oldest said "go live your life"
Amazing. Try it.
Dr. Coleman, You are an answer to my prayers. All throughout my childhood, I just wanted to be a Mom. I’ve been struggling for years about all of this. “Maybe it’s this, or maybe it’s that.” It’s been heartbreaking. BUT, within minutes you have explained everything so clearly & perfectly. I can’t ThankYou enough. Everything you’ve said makes complete sense. Three to five years ago, I might not have been ready. I feel as though I can handle this now. I actually feel a peaceful strength, that I haven’t felt in decades. ThankYou kind sir. May the Lord richly bless your 2024. ThankYou, ThankYou, ThankYou! You have literally saved my life.
Glad it was helpful. I hope other of the videos here are helpful as well.
Thank you Dr Coleman for a interesting and very watchable video. As the mother of a daughter who estranged herself from her close family (myself, husband and two sisters) I speak from some experience on this topic. I remember the heart ache when it first happened, the hand wringing, the numerous letters of apology I sent, the almost daily torment and how it made me feel like a failure. I then read Sheri McGregor's 'Done With The Crying' and it helped. I also now have months when the emotional pain lifts and I don't think about her in any particular way at all. I decided at some stage to think of her as a wounded bird who couldn't fly. If I saw some such bird on the footpath I'd never say 'Fly bird, birds are supposed to fly" would I? I've replaced my anger with compassion. We live in a brutally unfair world and the only fairness is that no one gets a fairer world. My daughter has made a very painful decision on her part and I respect her decision. As I often think to myself ...she's the one whose missing out on all the love I have to give her. How sad.
So very well said. Thank you. I hope other of our videos help you. Sorry for your situation.
Your daughter is lucky. My mother (or father) have never ever given me any small clue that they would listen to me. My letters went in to the recycling bin, my whatsapp messages went unread. they just back each other up in the belief that they are the victims of me (wanting to raise an issue). I've got the silent treatment from both of them for over 3 years now. I'm so mad now, mad and betrayed and broken hearted. What could have been a 10 minute conversation has turned in to a heart-breaking estrangement that cannot be fixed now. There isn't much advice for when your parents give you the silent treatment. It always seems to be the adult children who go nc. My parents have gone NC
Yes, this is making sense to me. I will be available and make connections with my daughter in love as often as I am able. If it becomes too much tension or stress for me, i will let her know but i will bear up a lot and not wear it on my sleeve. I will be kind and protective of my own emotional health and be gentle with hers as well. I know there has been pain in her life and reasons for her to try to figure out how to heal. I do not accept all the responsibility but do accept some of it. I accept her boundaries and also will accept her open doors.
Sending you hugs Debbiemail1. I'm right there with you.
@karenlebron-morales8672 yeh, my rational adult knows that but my inner child still hopes that one they they will acknowledge that they hurt me. I know that it's not likely. They have the gift of being able to blame me/somebody for everything and never ever self reflecting. Sometimes I envy them that ability.
Thank you, Dr. Coleman. Your videos on estrangement have brought some clarity to being alienated by my only child. It caught me by surprise when it started about 5 years ago. If people died from a broken heart, I would have died the first time he cut me off. When it happened again a few months ago, I felt that I must have been an awful mother and therefore a terrible person, which really affected my sense of self. Listening to your talks have helped me regain some perspective-no, I’m not a terrible person by any stretch of the imagination. I may not have been the best mother (after all, I was a single parent), but I was the best mother I could be given my particular circumstances. As you point out, the moral code that underpin families and society has given way to a culture of individualism. This has led to the fracturing of families and caused much hurt and grief to those of us who adhere to the old ways and values. Thank you again.
Dear you, I'm a single mother always was with only one child. I am sure you have been a great mum. Single mums are no different from other parents. I would even go so far as to say that Single mums or Single dads are some of the best parents in the world. We only have ourselves to rely on.
I am the father of two incredible women, my cherished daughters, both of whom are now in their mid-30s. They made the heart-wrenching choice to distance themselves from me due to my absence during their teenage years. Over the years, I've extended countless apologies and shed numerous tears, yet they have not reached out to wish me a Happy Birthday, acknowledge Father's Day, or connect during major holidays. Consequently, earlier this year, after significant reflection, I made the challenging decision to unfriend them on social media. The constant reminders and the inability to communicate had become overwhelmingly distressing. With the support and advice of many friends and family, I have decided to heed their counsel and shift my focus towards living my own life.
Sometimes the emotional loss kids feel can't be "fixed". Trust isn't easy to build when their heart has shut down.
If you were absent during their teenage years don’t expect to be recognized or reconnect with them. They have a reason to distance themselves for you. Even if you say sorry they don’t have to forgive you. You should continue your life on your own as you are with minimal contact with them as it’ll benefit the both of you
As previous commenters said, sometimes things like this can't be fixed. In my case my parents are quite ok now but during my childhood and teenage years they were completely emotionally absent. I don't want to have any relationship with them no matter what, even if they would become "perfect" parents now. I don't care about apology or anything like that, it's just the fundamentals they build make it impossible for me to feel anything towards them.
It does not sound like you have ever shown respect for the pain you caused them.
If the other parent is a sociopathic malignant narcissist it is very difficult to deal with this estrangement. My daughter’s father continually blames me for every problem in our family and is very angry about my going no contact. He was very abusive including physical abuse. Now he takes credit for her professional success. She won’t even speak to me.
So you left your children?
Your daughter needs a wake up call!
So 😞
My story, too.
❤This only applies to parents who ACTUALLY PUT IN EFFORT to connect and contribute to a child's life. Emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually. If you made ZERO effort because you bailed , neglected, abandoned, or were in prison, you don't count.
Add sexually abusive parents to this list. The commentary in this video doesn’t fit at all for parents who were never parents to begin with. We owe them nothing but setting them free. Estranged parents miss the boat when they assume they are the victims.
I don’t think that parents that were like that are seeking help and support. They aren’t the ones on sites like these. Unfortunately.
So very sorry for your situation. You are right.
I know if my child’s father ever comes back into our lives, I will be devastated. He has done nothing to support. He doesn’t even know her birthday. She deserves better and I doubt he will ever put the work in to be better in the way she should have. My father doesn’t either. It was devastating to grow up with no mother and a very unavailable and not-interested father. It shaped my life in a regrettable way.
Those are different situations to be handled differently.
And unfortunately, alienating parents say similar things. So it's a difficult thing to have a reality that is so twisted by so many others. You have to be secure in your own decisions and reasons. Hopefully, it's not because you are an alienating parent doing harm.
What makes them think my life was easier than theirs? Can't they see how I still respect and love my parents no matter of their mistakes, unconditionally! That is family and blood to protect and cherish.
My husband and I have been completely BLOCKED out in every way.😢. We were so close. I honestly didn’t see it coming.
I am so sorry for your situation. I hope these videos help you.
same here. I pray daily and send birthday and Christmas cards (which aren't returned, but may go in the trash.) All because we couldn't agree to co-signing a loan to cover his credit card debt??? A mid-thirties, married, employed home-owner!!!
You're lucky to have your husband a lot of people go through this alone so at least look at it that way maybe that it could be worse. I'm not undermining your pain I totally get it. I am a single person with stage 4 cancer and my daughter hasn't talked to me in a year
Cutting ties with children who are narcissistic and disrespectful may be the best thing. Many adult kids are expert gaslighters! Parents don't need to put up with their bad behaviour. They will be the losers in the end. Live your life, they live theirs! Leave your estate to a great charity!
Wisest comment here. Thank you.
Great info sir, good to know we are not alone. Just can’t believe how upside down things have become and how cold this new generation is.
I am so glad it was helpful. It is the way of this generation it seems.
Remember we’re talking about ADULT a people here. You can’t make anyone do, think, or whatever once they are grown. Where is personal responsibility…….You also can’t let a grown child walk all over you….These are grown people and when you know you’ve been the best parent you could be…sometimes you have to keep them at arms length for you OWN a health😳….as a mother of four who has a very good relationship with all of my grown children I firmly believe if you child doesn’t want anything to do with you…just let it go..after all we parents have a right to live our lives in peace….you love your grown children BUT honey you don’t have to like them as grown people!!!!!
Thank you, Dr. Coleman. For the first time in 2 years plus, I was able to feel relaxed, knowing that even though I made many mistakes as most parents have, I am normal. The generation that has been raised may have problems of entitlement and lack of empathy.
I'm not alone. Your video gave me hope.
So glad that it helped. I do hope other of our videos help as well.
Why does Dr Coleman have comments disabled on his main channel?
You’re spot on. However, I love my kids but I’m not liking them very much! This is the new culture though. What feels good today. I wonder what their kids will be like towards them???
My radical acceptance is not kissing up to them. They hold their kids over my head like carrots to control me. Nope! I’m out of that game. Healing too!
Forgiveness…..Love doesn’t keep records of wrong…love ALWAYS HOPES, ALWAYS trusts, ALWAYS perseveres…..love is never self seeking….you see….the problem is they ONLY LOVE SELF….they don’t love their parents…..It’s broken my heart, but I love HER, SO I don’t give up, Iwill never stop hoping that God changes her heart, mind, and soul….
Your children don't get to say what kind of parent you were? Does this really make sense to you? Your children are the ones who you parented. They would know better than anyone what kind of parent you were. This kind of "I was a good parent no matter what you think", put your fingers in your ears and hum mentality is often what keeps children away from narcissistic parents. You can't start from a premise of "I know I did nothing wrong, so I'll ignore anything you say to the contrary." Parents refusing to listen to what their children say because it doesn't fit how they perceive themselves is the main reason why these fractured relationships are often never healed. A key trait of narcissistic personality disorder is a refusal to acknowledge and face your own faults. If you take offense to this comment, that's your signal to examine yourself because you may have felt an uncomfortable truth you aren't willing to accept. Children don't typically estrange themselves from parents for no reason. It might be time to accept that you may be part of the problem.
My Son's wife make sure she see her parents and her family but my Son isn't allowed to talk to me that her fault and my Son needs to grow a pair and tell her that he also has a Mother and Family too!
I literally have never heard anything more true than this information. I wrote a letter stating I would listen absolutely no responding but listen. It did nothing. I am crushed 😔 my daughter and my grandkids meant so much to me.
So sorry for your situation. No immediate response may not take place. Trust God and stay strong!
Children today may see the amends letter as weakness in my opinion.
@@beaglerescue5281YES. And, they won’t respond if you put the ball in their court.
I am watching this as an adult child and I just want to share the perspective that, depending on who your child is, they may also be having a very difficult time with this.
There are a lot of resources online that say "just walk away" and very few that encourage a more slow, measured approach.
And they likely are in a lot of pain and confusion.
I'm not estranged from my father in the senae that we do not talk, but there is a major void of emotional intimacy and a heap of unresolved conflict, and I ruminate about it all the time. It's unbearable, honestly.
If he took some of the strategies from this video, it would go so far to repair our relationship.
So very glad it was helpful. I am praying for you and your family. Do not walk away. Anything can be fixed with God. Please view other videos as well.
@@FamiliesDividedTV Thank you. I wouldn't walk away. For all of his shortcomings, he has done so much for me and I love him.
@@threelittlebirds274 please pray about this. It is not how God wishes our family to be. I do understand it is emotional abuse to you. God himself is an alienated father. Yet He never turns His back on us. He is always there for us.
@@threelittlebirds274 This is a very sad circumstance that I see a lot in our culture at this time. I also have different political views than my parents and it has caused some friction with my mother. (We used to share beliefs and she is surprised that I have changed.) But our love comes first and we basically just avoid talking about politics as to not ruffle feathers.
It is sad to me that the tribalism of political views can outweigh the bonds of family.
In my world, some of the issues with my family have actually been addressed and resolved this week, something I never thought would happen. My family of origin has not been skilled at repair thus far in my life, so to experience it now has been deeply healing.
I don't know your son or what he is capable of in regards to change, but I wish this feeling of reconciliation for anyone. It is peaceful.
@@FamiliesDividedTVthe relationship between my wife's parents has been broken for more than a decade. We both have prayed for years for God to heal the divide. God has chosen to not act on that request and has done so for the health of our marriage. Her parents didn't understand the leave and cleave concept and instead wanted power and control for life over her and our children. It has been very sad for us but I know God has blessed us by not answering that prayer because we've watched every relationship her parents have with extended family erode away because of her parent's lack of ability to forgive and reconcile. Her parents are completely incapable of admitting any fault for all of these broken relationships where they are the common denominator. It has brought me to tears knowing they have missed out on so many wonderful memories because of their bitterness and outright contempt they have for all who have "offended" them in any way. My oldest daughter, their first grandchild, is now a legal adult and chooses not to answer requests from her grandparents because of her own experiences observing their obvious refusal to forgive others who won't play their game and submit to their control. My MIL has a long history of trying to divide families and marriages and is also a master at controlling her submissive husband who has been virtually castrated since their wedding. MIL cannot stand the idea of a man leading his wife and she despises the fact that my wife was convicted to accept God's order of marriage. This broken relationship continues to burden my heart even though the split has been the best thing for my marriage and family. God brought us to the place of humility and willingness to reconcile many years ago but my in-laws despise us for the very first time they didn't get what they wanted.
It's taken over 4 years to come to terms with the fact that our 43 year old daughter hates us, thinks we're vile and worse, all because we spoke to her ex to arrange seeing our granddaughter. We never took sides. We've moved on and living our lives without the hate and nastiness from her and now never want to see her again. We feel so much better for coming to that decision.
You went behind your daughters back to speak to someone she probably wish she had no relation with at all and its her fault
@@mj-np9sy we did not go behind her back, she lost custody of her child because of her abusive behaviour and, yes, it is all her fault.
There is no chance of a second reconciliation in my case. I did reconcile once only to be lied to and used.
The sad part is there is no safe place on the internet without some stranger coming in to say hurtful and insensitive things without knowing the entire circumstances. This only adds insult to injury. So I keep to myself and suffer in silence.
Wish there was a in person support group where the estranged children were not allowed. A place that was monitored to not continuously rehash the estrangement, but to help heal and move on.
I don't wish to speak ill of my estranged children....I just don't know where to go with the pain and empty hole.
I have done alot of work on myself, but holidays, birthdays, and mothers day are difficult to get through.
I just need a safe place and friends who live in my vicinity to break the loneliness.
So sorry. I hope our videos help you.
The fact that this can happen is unbelievable 😳. You have to rely on God to help you through it , there is no other way.
So. very true.
Let them go. Honor their right to choose, and honor your own right to choose peace. It hurts like hell, but TIME heals all wounds. Healing begins AFTER you "give up" and let it go. IT'S NOT EASY. Thanks for the tips - I need reminders every day. I am perpetually preparing for the calls and emails that never come. You offer some great advice - no blame, no shame - is the ONLY hope that they will ever look at both sides.
Ty for this, lots of good information here. Glad to know I’m not alone. One thing that jumped out at me about the guilt, when you’re raised on guilt it’s very hard to break away from parenting with guilt. You try not to, but many times you don’t even realize you’re doing it.
Thank you for your excellent insights on the painful state of parent/child estrangement. We are weary & fatigued from walking on eggshells and always being criticized for well-meaning gestures. After much therapy, reflection & prayer, we have decided to love our estranged children from a distance & to focus our devotions on the people who love us and want to have a mature relationship with us. The forces of our dysfunctional culture encourages young people to be self-centered & selfish. Harsh as it may sound, we are happier without them in our lives. Yes the ten year estrangement of our adult children is heartbreaking, but their absence Has brought us peace without bitterness or a desire for reconciliation. Sometimes acceptance of situations over which we have no control is also a way to handle difficult adult children.
I understand exactly what you are saying. It appeared time with our grandchildren was being used as a club. Now they are here, then the moment we began bonding they were jerked away. No problem whatsoever with the other child and that family, just the one. We finally realized that we absolutely could not go through that cycle one more time and come out mentally intact. The worst is when there is no one you can talk to about it. You learn quickly that those who have never walked this road will ALWAYS tell you , “oh just keep trying. Just keep being nice. Don’t let go of hope, it will all turn around.” That false hope will crush your soul! If reconciliation happens that will be most heartily welcomed….in a breath….with all that has gone before forgiven. We continue to love our child. But we have learned we have to move on. The months spent in tears every day, literally, got us nowhere. That takes years of recovery. My dear I just wanted you to know you are heard and understood. Hold your head high and live a happy life copiously spreading love to those who are open and receptive. May God abundantly bless you with many many friends.
Parental alienation is so devastating. I raised my Daughter and we had a strong and loving bond until her Father began an affair and started his campaign of denigration against me.
The alienation was slow at first, because she was 7 yrs old and still needed me. By age 12 my Ex began to ramp up his manipulation and used my parenting against me by making her believe that I was trying to control her and “bring her down”, that I had mental health issues, etc. Once he had her fully manipulated he then took legal action against me to remove the child support order and put her directly in the middle of the legal battle.
She is now 16 and refuses to stay with me. She contacts me when she needs something because she knows I’ve always taken care of her needs. I fear that I have lost the strong bond and love we had, especially as she is with her Father, the alienator, as the manipulation and brainwashing continues.
I am sorry for all of this. I do hope you watch the videos. They will help you deal with all of this. God bless. Trust God and stay strong.
@@FamiliesDividedTV Thank you. It truly is soul crushing and a daily grieving process.
Exactly
Thank you for your comment. That must be so painful. Don’t be tempted to withdraw or withhold love from your daughter because she has “chosen” your ex. Remember she is only sixteen and doesn’t have the maturity to see things objectively. Give her time to mature. You might have to wait until she’s a mother herself to truly appreciate you but in the meantime continue to love her unconditionally.
Oh this is so horrible, one has to have experienced this to really understand the pain of this.
Everything said is sooooo true! It’s terribly scary that there are new rules to being a good parent. How frightening that kids shouldn’t have to feel any type of guilt or remorse for being so cruel to cut ties with their family. Every time I think there is a way to go around “not making my kid feel guilty” by showing my despair- I realize it’s totally true. If I ever want to see my son again or my 2 grandchildren, I have to make them feel at ease when I’m dying inside. It’s a cruel cruel system but very true. Thanks for making it so crystal clear. Tough to swallow though😢
Totally agree.
So very glad it was helpful.
Kids do not owe parents anything. Ive called a few rabbis on the phone when I was contemplating the very difficult choice of going "no contact" with my mom. They both.validated my choice and pointed out that even the "Honor Thy Father and Mother" quote from the Bible is bunk. The child did not choose to be brought here and also deserves *honoring* by the parent.
@@michellemonet4358 the bible is the truth whether you or anyone else believes it or not.
@@FamiliesDividedTV haha. Truth? Yours maybe
Not sure how I’m just now finding you sir but this video is worth gold! This is thousands of dollars of my therapy all wrapped into one! You being Christian just seals the deal! Thank you so very much! I know I made horrible mistakes but glad I’m seeing myself as an imperfect human as well. Blessings! ❤❤❤
Hey, how did you find out Joshua is a christian ?
My gosh, I had no idea there are so many of us. Such a sad, sad state of affairs. Hutrz!
Sadly there are. I hope our videos help you.
My 32 year old daughter was diagnosed with a personality disorder and has 'cut out' quite a few people from her life. She cut me off three years ago and so I have no contact with my grandchildren either. I respect her decision and I hope it gives her a happier life, although it breaks my heart. The most painful thing is that she uses my mother to rub it in. She visits, then my mother cheerfully tells me about the time she spends with the grandchildren and it's like a knife sticking in. Perhaps I should request that my mother doesn't mention the visits as it's too painful to hear about.
I am so sorry for your situation. That might be for the best.
Hey! I'm in the back of your exact boat recently! I quit my job, moved her into my home, dated NOBODY, spent 6 years dedicated to raising my granddaughter + my entire 6 figure retirement putting her life back together😏 now she has a great credit score, sobriety, assets & completely disappeared with a rich guy from tinder. I haven't seen or spoken to my little Bunny since father's day weekend. I sent several kind texts and was threatened if I didn't stop "blowing up my phone". I'm not a magician, I can't cure mental illness. I'm framing thousands of photos, scrapbooking, journaling & still wrapping gifts - the day will come, the time will come, karma will come full circle, eventually. My soul has been crushed but my dedication will never fail. Thanks for sharing your truths. My mother has decided for the first time in her 75 professional meddling, interfering years that it's not her place to "mediate" or encourage my daughter to do anything different and has removed me as beneficiary of her life insurance, replacing me with my daughter! Gee, I should've gone no contact with my mom decades ago- 🤔😏
I feel for you my adult child contact my mother all the time and I told her I do not need to know anymore about his life because this is the second time he’s coming out I’m done I don’t want him back
@@michellefoster6557 what did you do to him?
@@Trixiesongzxoxo asked him why he never spends any holidays with me since the wife granny died? But I never asked before because he always defaulted to his wife’s family. So I’m not gonna try
Wow. This has been enlightening to consider where my child is coming from. But really, what is the end game here? To have a relationship with someone who is so self absorbed that that have no empathy for you? To always assume fault at the slightest provocation? To be the scapegoat for every problem the child has ever in the past or the future? How is this good for my self esteem? To lead a double life...on one hand telling the child how wrong I was, but telling myself how good I was? If this was a spouse making demands like that, Id divorce. If it was a friend, Id terminate the friendship. What gives children the right to treat parents, or anyone else in the world so callously? I love my children, but my best hope for them is that they be good, decent, loving humans. How is being their doormat helping them? It seems like our hovering, pandering, and pampering got us here in the first place...we have chidren who cant hear anything that makes them unhappy. So we keep feeding this attitude? Ill have to think about that.
Well said.
I’m now able to see it this way after 5 years…. Why would I want a relationship with anyone who can treat me so callously?
Basically we must let our kids including grown adult children hurt us abandon us & walk all over us so we don't hurt their feelings
The self-righteousness is what I can't stand. They own none of their adult behaviors and they can do no wrong. I agree with you wholeheartedly.
Ha ha well said
As a SURVIVOR of Parental Alienation that occurred during a Brutal Divorce from their father- time & learning to Love, Trust & Respect myself has been the best healer.
My faith in God and in good and in healing has helped me.
Great video! I guess you read my soul today and I got this in my feed. My beautiful, smart daughter decided ( after seeing a therapist for anxiety) to cut ties from us, specifically me . She’s talking to dad because he pays a great deal of her bills. We gave everything to her, I never had most of what she’s had, physically or emotionally. It’s very hard for us. I blame the friends she’s made the last few years and the “woke” therapist.
So sorry for your situation. I do hope other of our videos help.
I relate to much of what you shared. We have to value ourselves, even if they don't.
@@giniaa2707 totally agree!
I so hear you sister! Only that mine is turning to her remarried father who was always absent in her life! It hurts!
Does she treat both parents the same? My husband gets favored parent status…conversations he keeps from me, invitations to spend time with the only grand! He sends $$$ and pressures me to stop spending. This is compounding my pain as he is reinforcing their belief that I am a bad mom and he needs to protect them from me. I live everyday knowing he agrees/reinforces their lies about me. He is compounding the abuse, so now My 43 year old marriage is a source of turmoil.
Adult children are adult, not 2 year olds anymore. So, a relationship that is one-way is not a healthy one. No one should accept that kind of low treatment even from an adult child. If that's all that they have for you, let them go, and make your own life without them.
My 40 yr old son told me , in his generation , friends are more important than family. Haha! Than why did he depend on me for help, when he needed help when he got in trouble. Where are his friends.? I told him , friends come and go. Your family is always there. But Im tired of the bull. I am detaching with love. I stopped focusing on how ungrateful he is. Im moving on.
The thing I have learned so far is, bad mom. Take whatever your adult child throws your way. My take away is the relationship is not worth it
Thanks Dr. Coleman ... I have more clarity as to what is the best for me. My two sons have destroyed the bridge that I have crossed ... I turned back to see about rebuilding the bridge, BUT ... NO it's best I just move forward ... I am resilient and at the age of 74 I fully plan on spending the rest of my life respecting myself and enjoying doing the things that "I" want to do and not just pretend with them waiting for another bridge to crumble.
God bless Patricia I pray that you find great happiness
With our daughter, I've come to realize that sometimes people are just not compatible and that for happiness of remaining life you have to separate.
You have to do what gives you peace.
@@FamiliesDividedTV I would hate to be in their generation.. What they are missing is a lot i.e. honor your mother and father..v. sad
Never stop trying. Parents don’t have to be “compatible” with their children and “children” aren’t just “people”. Your children are your blood and where your loyalty should lie.
Children don’t always make the best decisions and sometimes they try to assert their individuality too harshly in a way that removes us from their life, but if they KNOW we love and care from them unconditionally and that we are sorry for whatever the wrong we have caused them, they will eventually come around. It is our job as parents to parent them until our last breath, they don’t stop being our babies and our everything in their 20’s, 30’s, 40’s, and so on.
@@sarahtaveiraaa Completely disagree, sometimes people are not compatible, we raised our child, put her through college (now an engineer) with a life that most people would envy yet she thinks we were too strict and that she wants her children to be "kind". They dwell and fixate on the absurd, we have fulfilled our parental obligations, she is a productive citizen. Our relationship is toxic for both of us and frankly we can't take the drama.
@@iamthemoss I believe it is selfish for you to think of yourself before your children. You have a lot to learn from your daughter, and you should allow her to show you her point of view on parenting without making about you and your feelings. You did your best and did what you thought was necessary to make your daughter the best she could be. There is no arguing with that. However, we are NOT perfect-there is always room for improvement. Most of us DO try to do a better job than our parents did with every generation. Your daughter is doing that very thing; she is recognizing the flaws in her upbringing and trying to parent better than you did.
Tell your daughter you are very sorry that your relationship went south. Assure her that you love her unconditionally, even with her parenting style and opinion over the parenting you provided her with. Assure her that you did the best you could. You had every intention of helping her reach her maximum capacity in this life, and this was your only motivation in your parenting style. Explain how you are very sorry that your best WASN'T enough because it was NEVER your intention to hurt her in the way that you did. Tell her you are proud of her for recognizing the errors in your parenting and trying to do a better job than you did with her own children. Tell her you are willing to do anything to have her back in your life because, on your deathbed, you will think about the most important part of life; family & love-especially the bond between mother and child. There is nothing stronger and more beautiful.
I think we will look back on this era where adult children throw their parents away like they’re old paper cups with horror.
I think that a lot of adult children want to come back into your circle only after you’re dead. They want to show up at the funeral, and some of them actually have their hand out--looking for money, inheritance, things like that. What your adult child is doing to you is sad, but I mean really, what is their endgame? Do they want you to fall on the floor at their feet and cry and beg them to come and see you or call you occasionally or allow you to see your grandchildren, which of course, the courts give you no rights to. I wouldn’t do that. I would stop doing that! You need to grieve the loss of your child and any part of your family associated with that child and Move On! If they ever come back around you, talk to them as if they were/are someone you just met on the elevator, and be civil but never let them back into your life on any intimate level. Live your best life during the years that you have left. If you get lonely, get a dog-- they are loyal, loving, and fun. The most important thing is to never leave any of your assets to your adult children who have treated you as if you are a fungus under their fingernails. Leave it to charity, or leave it to your best friend and her children. God Bless all the parents who are suffering.
I'm going through that now with 28 yr old daughter, setting up life insurance, trust, will, leaving it to her twin brother and 10 yr old granddaughter
One thing I see on the adult children's social media is an attitude that they didn't ask to be born, and the parents owe them a life free of conflict and problems. They feel totally righteous with ostracizing us, being disrespectful, bullying and manipulation. Social media is evil.
Agree
Some adult children don't tell the whole story
Basically, what you're saying is letting your child win even when they are not being rational. Gotcha.
Win what? Everyone loses.
Another thing, parents here who genuinely did the best you could for your children, if your children are taking a combative stance towards you and are being mean to you, consider, would you want this person in your life if they weren't related to you? If they were a friend who turned on you, would you want them back? Why? It's a tough question. But you really have to consider this before you decide to make amends. You're going to be throwing yourself under the bus for them and frankly, they might not deserve it. I have a daughter also and we have a good relationship. However, if she were to turn on me and become malicious, I would consider whether it's worth maintaining contact. As much as I love her, I need my peace as well. You are allowed to lovingly let go.
This feels like being gaslighted just to keep her in my life 😔
I just can’t do that anymore, the lies have been beyond hurtful and destructive to our whole family - I cannot allow her partners need to make me wrong, purely because he perceives me as a threat to his control over my daughter. She has chosen to allow his control of her, she has chosen to distance herself to keep her partner happy - I don’t have any control over that and I can’t win him around because he 100% is not interested in her or anyone’s happiness … only about protecting his position of control.
If that's true then she needs you MORE THAN EVER! Look into the psychology of psychological abuse!
I feel I'm being advised on how to maintain a relationship with a toxic person - my estranged adult son who hasn't told me what I've done (from his perspective) to cause the estrangement from him, his wife and his two children. If he doesn't feel the need to explain why he's decided estrangement is the way to go, or have any sense of love, respect, caring, human decency or even common courtesy toward me, why in God's name would I want this person in my life? I've realized that I don't and, more to the point, I've realized that I would not trust any relationship we might reestablish if I jumped through all these hoops, because he could decide once again without explanation to cut me off from him and his family. At my age, I need to know who I can count on, he's made it clear that that's not him.
I have moved beyond lamenting the estrangement every day. I wistfully miss my daughter but I have emotionally let her go. The good times we had still make me smile. I strive to have any interaction I do have with her to be pleasant but not heavy. I pray she is happy and healthy and successful. Life isn't a fairy tale, so why should parenthood be?
What’s happening w/today’s 30yr olds is called NARCISSIM, caused by being raised by parents who they, themselves didn’t have good childhoods ie, suffered financial losses, and parental neglects, so we vowed to be way better, to give our kids THE BEST life that we never had. So THE ONLY mistake Was spoiling them. They’ve never suffered. Always got what they wanted. Then SELFIES, ‘I’ phone, my space and FACEbook came along….IS AN EXTREME form of self idolatry.
My story as an adult raised by narc mother and now alienated from children by abusive ex. It is awful and I don't know how this brainwashing happens to them.
That is my story exactly!
@@beckystrozenski5187 Yep, same here. They all were given a much better childhood, in that they got to do so much more than I did growing up with divorced parents narc mother, father passed very young. They did have to endure a brutal relationship between there father and I unfortunately. I always took the abuse until one day I didn't and decided to leave....now I am the devil.
Spoiled all of them and now I am trash. They never know where I am if I am okay, nor do they care. I sound like a narc writing this but I assure you I am the complete opposite and am punished for it.
@@BlueJeansandJellyBeans I found myself thinking the same thing, >”I sound like the narc”….until I watched hours of UA-cam videos on narcissm. I sought counseling too. They’ve all said that a TRUE narc would NEVER suspect self; in fact that’s the main thing in & of being a narc that they’re SO DAMN sure of self to the point of having such an extreme over confidence view in&of self, puffed up, arrogant….For me, Ive always despised arrogance/pride. I found a book written by a PhD psychiatrist about the personality trait she’s penned as HSP…ITS ME TO A ‘t’! I’m 58 and just discovering myself, like WHY I do, think, and react the way I do. I’m an HSP. HIGHLY empathetic, deep thinker, analytical, I SEE, what seems and feels like EVERYTHING, including other people’s grief, pain, sadness, and bad moods. I absorb it all…uhg. I’ve had to limit contact with a sister who’s recovering drug and alcoholic. It was too hard for me. The biggest most profound thing though that’s saved me(from myself), the gift of faith. Knowing that Jesus, my Lord, my savior, my redeemer, my friend….has adopted ME into His kingdom. He loves me so much that when He died on the cross that day, He recalled Me, my life and all the sins I’d commit. He took them and erased them. I’ve been made righteous in The Lords ‘eye’. He wants the same for you,..He’s standing RIGHT on the other side of that door, just let him in!!!!
Yessss!!!! 💯❤️
I'm in my 50s, and prior to my parents' passing I tried to cut them off for years. They had been neglectful parents, and frankly, they probably wouldn't've noticed. But the guiltripping was so hard. Now, I hear about kids cutting off their parents for the most frivolous things. True, there are always legitimate reasons to cut off your parents (neglect, abuse (physical, sexual, mental), but to me "finding my new way in life as a Scottish Terrier" isn't really one of them.I would've loved to have parents like these who would beg for me to come back, seek consultation, learn about ways not to hurt me. But nope, my parents would not be on this channel nor they would've cared. While I'm sure there are some malicious parents in this forum, I think most really did their best for their children.
What a ridiculous thing to say and your example is offensive. How condescending can you be?
As ive said before this is all new to me. Im not sure anyone can be a "perfect " parent. I know certainly i was not. But shes had more than 20yrs to bring this up. But today I was thinking why do i want her back? Other than being my daughter, what does she do for me? As a person. She would not be my friend. She yells at me, her husband screams at me, they laugh at me why i tell them some of my thoughts or feelings. They are constantly telling me im wrong. The only reason they talk to me is because they need me to watch the boys. They neglected my birthday this year and mothers day. Even before this all happened. She has done this in the past, she's been a pouty girl since she was a toddler. But this time she taken it to a new level.
My second husband did those same things. I don’t miss him.
Everything you mention I did , never made them feel guilty, jumped to their needs etc etc and I pretended I was happy with the bread crumbs while they gave all the attention to the other side of the family. It was like I was unimportant to my children and I had to accept that...That's the worst part I did all those positive ideas and I still got kicked to the curb
So sorry for your situation. Stay strong and trust God!
@@threelittlebirds274 I do hope you will change your mind. They call you "toxic" as an excuse to make them feel justified. I believe he does want a relationship if he is willing to talk. Our experts say communicate, but it is best not to ask questions as to why unless they bring it up. I do know the hurt, but be the bigger person here and do not make it about you. For the sake of your family. Many prayers to you.