My way of being able to tell that I must be very close to full recovery now is that I don't want to exercise. I like to move - I love dancing to a good rhythm! 🎶 But doing boring exercises just for the sake of it? Never again! Now I'd rather spend a day on my couch!😁I don't want to go back to the deadly skinny me. I'm naturally slender - like most of my family. That's enough! I get an anxiety attack now when I look at pictures of my lowest. 😱 By far the biggest sign of my returning to normal is the fact that I can't relate to the feeling of food anxiety anymore. It's just gone!😨And I can't relate to the mindset I had, that lead to this in the first place, either. I have to say it's all thanks to this channel! The solution was in me, but nobody else was giving me the confirmation that the little voice in the back of my head, that wanted to eat, was right and had been all along. "Just freaking eat! It's gonna be okay!" ♥
Hi Tabitha, Clearly there’s a part of me that wants to get better or else I wouldn’t be watching your videos ect but to be honest there’s a still a large part that doesn’t. I’ll have a few good days/weeks/months of lots of motivation and gain a little weight only to freak out and retreat to the disorder. Any tips or suggestions on pushing through as you start to gain weight would be great. I think a part of me that not only fears weight gain but the “adult” and “life” responsibilities that come with it that I don’t have to face when I’m in the safety of my illness eating disorder bubble. I don’t know how to overcome this fear of gaining weight and real life that comes with recovery as it is so strong no matter how much I say I “commit” each time to weight gain and letting go and eating what my body wants and feel like I want it I always end up freaking out as I start to gain weight and others notice and take three steps back. Hope that made sense! Any tips or advice would be greatly appreciated. Ps thank you so much for making your videos they are so helpful!!!
Hi Tabs, thank you! I was horse obsessed before my ED, only the past summer have I got this horse fever back! It's a revelation. I feel like I've missed so much of my life to stupid EDs, it does make me angry and sad at the same time. I've been having no luck tho with finding a horse to ride regularly/ part loan. I've been let down by owners, horse people can be ultimate dicks can't they? Not sure if it's a world wide phenomena but certainly in the UK this is the trend I c! Wish me luck in finding the perfect situation. I really need it
I honestly can't remember what it's like to be a normal eater without guilt and fear of what I've eaten. Even at my heaviest, there was always this underlying concern and anxiety of what I'd eaten. The ED follows me on holiday too, although it hasn't stopped me from traveling. I started worrying about my weight when I was 12 but wasn't Anorexic until I was about 14. I think I've come a long way and my ED is under control, but I honestly think I will never be 100% recovered. I'm now 51 years old, I would say 2/3rd's of my life, have been occupied by an ED, sadly.
Alison, I'm 58 and it's nice to hear from someone who has been dealing with this for a long time like I have (although it's not nice to HAVE an eating disorder, but you know what I mean.) I'm of the opinion that the longer you struggle with the disorder, the more hard-wired the brain is, and the more difficult it is to recover. I'm not sure if I'll ever be FULLY recovered, but have decided not to strive for perfection in recovery, and to celebrate any improvement. I have certainly overcome much of the disorder, but have little niggles of guilt or fear over certain foods still to this day. BUT the good news is that I'm allowing myself to gain weight, enjoy lots of foods, and ride the waves of anxiety and guilt. I never was one to over-exercise during the worst of my eating disorder, and I find exercise a great way to deal with some of my other health issues (chronic pain), but I definitely don't overdo it. Sorry this was so long-winded, but it's rare to find someone in their fifties on these sites. Good luck to you, darlin'!!
friendoftherese1 Thank you so much for your lovely kind response. I'm so touched by your honesty and experiences with an ED. My very best wishes and love, Alison x
I'll be turning 51 this month. I started becoming preoccupied with my weight at age 12 (and I was of "normal" weight then!), became anorexic at 14, gained the weight back and became "chubby" less than a year later, started overexercising, and have struggled with ED ever since. I don't think I've gone more than a few weeks without my weight going up or down (classic yo-yo pattern); it has never been stable during my entire adulthood. Tabitha's book, posts, and these videos have really inspired me to try to put ED behind me once and for all, but at my age I'm only cautiously optimistic that it is even possible to do so. My whole life has been consumed by ED in one form or another, and despite how much it's curtailed my life in many respects, I'm finding it a huge struggle to let go of my destructive behaviours and mindset. Anyway, I just wanted to chime in that those of you in your 50s and older have lots of company (for better or worse, LOL)-there are definitely many ED sufferers among older women (unfortunately). I wish everyone good luck in their journey; may our "advanced" age bring along with it some wisdom that perhaps would have been unavailable in our younger years.
For me, the disordered thoughts and such kicked in when I was young and despite falling into it- I didn't know I had until this relapse- I don't have an adult mindset where food has been neutral... the healthiest I was about food was at twelve where I liked junk food but give me a few weeks and I was desperate to eat anything else. After that, in high school I started to have major issues which was also when I had issues with my weight whereas beforehand, didn't skip meals and ended up gaining more- I liked walking and exploring as a kid, dance, running (despite being shocking at it)- for me, it's a case of drop that daily walk and the pacing I've done since I was a child will kick in, rewiring the 'can only think when pacing' is my danger zone since I can do that for hours whereas actually walking point a to b kicks in the part of my brain to stop. But there are limits- I stopped the second one and after trying someone else's route, hills and all the extra effort despite same-ish distances my ED brain loved set me back badly. Restriction has its tendrils in every corner of my life and it's frustrating realizing the ways I've denied things, because of and the fear of it, ironically I would miss having to save money and go without. And I would miss out on things simply to avoid that sensation and ruin things I got, because I didn't 'deserve' them so it had to go wrong. How do you rewire everything you do when the ability to restrict is so encouraged and seen as better?
Updating this post... I keep bumping into these binge-story-videos in the list below the video. This girl that went to over 210 in one year. It scares the living shit out of me. She has lost that weight again, calls herself recovered and writes books about her experience. I'm not sure how to think about that. Update starts here! So that girl said, she went from anorexia to binging. And when I look at her supposedly recovered body, something seems off. And I know, that's my anorexia talking here. But it's a meter! A can spot an eating disordered person from a mile away. That only happens when I have one myself, though. Well, if that isn't fucked up? :D
How it is possible that you were an instructor at the gym when you had anorexia? Why anybody give you permission to work as fitness instructor with significant underweight?
My way of being able to tell that I must be very close to full recovery now is that I don't want to exercise. I like to move - I love dancing to a good rhythm! 🎶 But doing boring exercises just for the sake of it? Never again! Now I'd rather spend a day on my couch!😁I don't want to go back to the deadly skinny me. I'm naturally slender - like most of my family. That's enough! I get an anxiety attack now when I look at pictures of my lowest. 😱 By far the biggest sign of my returning to normal is the fact that I can't relate to the feeling of food anxiety anymore. It's just gone!😨And I can't relate to the mindset I had, that lead to this in the first place, either. I have to say it's all thanks to this channel! The solution was in me, but nobody else was giving me the confirmation that the little voice in the back of my head, that wanted to eat, was right and had been all along. "Just freaking eat! It's gonna be okay!" ♥
Hi Tabitha,
Clearly there’s a part of me that wants to get better or else I wouldn’t be watching your videos ect but to be honest there’s a still a large part that doesn’t. I’ll have a few good days/weeks/months of lots of motivation and gain a little weight only to freak out and retreat to the disorder. Any tips or suggestions on pushing through as you start to gain weight would be great. I think a part of me that not only fears weight gain but the “adult” and “life” responsibilities that come with it that I don’t have to face when I’m in the safety of my illness eating disorder bubble. I don’t know how to overcome this fear of gaining weight and real life that comes with recovery as it is so strong no matter how much I say I “commit” each time to weight gain and letting go and eating what my body wants and feel like I want it I always end up freaking out as I start to gain weight and others notice and take three steps back. Hope that made sense! Any tips or advice would be greatly appreciated. Ps thank you so much for making your videos they are so helpful!!!
Your such an incredible person! I adore you. Such a good heart 😘 Thank you for your inspiring content 💛
Hi Tabs, thank you! I was horse obsessed before my ED, only the past summer have I got this horse fever back! It's a revelation. I feel like I've missed so much of my life to stupid EDs, it does make me angry and sad at the same time. I've been having no luck tho with finding a horse to ride regularly/ part loan. I've been let down by owners, horse people can be ultimate dicks can't they? Not sure if it's a world wide phenomena but certainly in the UK this is the trend I c! Wish me luck in finding the perfect situation. I really need it
I honestly can't remember what it's like to be a normal eater without guilt and fear of what I've eaten. Even at my heaviest, there was always this underlying concern and anxiety of what I'd eaten. The ED follows me on holiday too, although it hasn't stopped me from traveling. I started worrying about my weight when I was 12 but wasn't Anorexic until I was about 14. I think I've come a long way and my ED is under control, but I honestly think I will never be 100% recovered. I'm now 51 years old, I would say 2/3rd's of my life, have been occupied by an ED, sadly.
Alison, I'm 58 and it's nice to hear from someone who has been dealing with this for a long time like I have (although it's not nice to HAVE an eating disorder, but you know what I mean.) I'm of the opinion that the longer you struggle with the disorder, the more hard-wired the brain is, and the more difficult it is to recover. I'm not sure if I'll ever be FULLY recovered, but have decided not to strive for perfection in recovery, and to celebrate any improvement. I have certainly overcome much of the disorder, but have little niggles of guilt or fear over certain foods still to this day. BUT the good news is that I'm allowing myself to gain weight, enjoy lots of foods, and ride the waves of anxiety and guilt. I never was one to over-exercise during the worst of my eating disorder, and I find exercise a great way to deal with some of my other health issues (chronic pain), but I definitely don't overdo it. Sorry this was so long-winded, but it's rare to find someone in their fifties on these sites. Good luck to you, darlin'!!
friendoftherese1 Thank you so much for your lovely kind response. I'm so touched by your honesty and experiences with an ED. My very best wishes and love, Alison x
I'll be turning 51 this month. I started becoming preoccupied with my weight at age 12 (and I was of "normal" weight then!), became anorexic at 14, gained the weight back and became "chubby" less than a year later, started overexercising, and have struggled with ED ever since. I don't think I've gone more than a few weeks without my weight going up or down (classic yo-yo pattern); it has never been stable during my entire adulthood.
Tabitha's book, posts, and these videos have really inspired me to try to put ED behind me once and for all, but at my age I'm only cautiously optimistic that it is even possible to do so. My whole life has been consumed by ED in one form or another, and despite how much it's curtailed my life in many respects, I'm finding it a huge struggle to let go of my destructive behaviours and mindset. Anyway, I just wanted to chime in that those of you in your 50s and older have lots of company (for better or worse, LOL)-there are definitely many ED sufferers among older women (unfortunately). I wish everyone good luck in their journey; may our "advanced" age bring along with it some wisdom that perhaps would have been unavailable in our younger years.
Love this video! Makes so much sense and very helpful!
For me, the disordered thoughts and such kicked in when I was young and despite falling into it- I didn't know I had until this relapse- I don't have an adult mindset where food has been neutral... the healthiest I was about food was at twelve where I liked junk food but give me a few weeks and I was desperate to eat anything else. After that, in high school I started to have major issues which was also when I had issues with my weight whereas beforehand, didn't skip meals and ended up gaining more- I liked walking and exploring as a kid, dance, running (despite being shocking at it)- for me, it's a case of drop that daily walk and the pacing I've done since I was a child will kick in, rewiring the 'can only think when pacing' is my danger zone since I can do that for hours whereas actually walking point a to b kicks in the part of my brain to stop. But there are limits- I stopped the second one and after trying someone else's route, hills and all the extra effort despite same-ish distances my ED brain loved set me back badly. Restriction has its tendrils in every corner of my life and it's frustrating realizing the ways I've denied things, because of and the fear of it, ironically I would miss having to save money and go without. And I would miss out on things simply to avoid that sensation and ruin things I got, because I didn't 'deserve' them so it had to go wrong. How do you rewire everything you do when the ability to restrict is so encouraged and seen as better?
Where can I send you a mail Tabitha?
Updating this post...
I keep bumping into these binge-story-videos in the list below the video. This girl that went to over 210 in one year. It scares the living shit out of me. She has lost that weight again, calls herself recovered and writes books about her experience. I'm not sure how to think about that. Update starts here!
So that girl said, she went from anorexia to binging. And when I look at her supposedly recovered body, something seems off. And I know, that's my anorexia talking here. But it's a meter! A can spot an eating disordered person from a mile away. That only happens when I have one myself, though. Well, if that isn't fucked up? :D
Oh shit :/ I wish I haven't read this comment
Hey! Learn and helped a lot from you, would you be open to sharing your email for questions?
How it is possible that you were an instructor at the gym when you had anorexia? Why anybody give you permission to work as fitness instructor with significant underweight?