Recovering Honesty After Narcissistic Abuse
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- Опубліковано 9 тра 2024
- In today's video, I explain why the child must not criticize their narcissistic parent. Next, I describe the lengths the child takes to avoid knowing what they do not like about their parent. Most of these involve confusing themselves about who is to blame. They are to blame even when others behave badly. This requires the child to distort how they see themselves and their parent. Life lived on the premise of distortion can feel volatile, confusing, and despairing. The good news is if the survivor can be in new relationships where being critical is welcomed then they can live a life free of distortion. I will explain how.
Knowing the truth about your strength is a critical step in healing from narcissistic abuse.
After watching this video AND if you’re ready to learn more…
Accelerate your recovery journey today by getting a FREE Copy of my ebook, Learn 4 Ways Adult Scapegoat Survivors Can Heal
Click HERE -- lp.jreidtherapy.com/4-ways-to...
Wow that’s spot on Jay, I had to stop it when you said you exist for everyone else but not yourself (or something along those lines). Ghost to yourself, actually had to go off and cry. Don’t do that very often.
I've been working on this too as an 60 year old woman. I have no idea who I am.
Honest conversation with safe people is healing in itself. Truth has got powerful healing power.
Where do you find that? My friends already know, and some can relate, but I don’t want to “use” them for therapy. The last therapist I saw was horrible. I have zero trust in therapists.
Distortion was my childhood strategy.
I hope you can feel how important you are.❤️
"beyond reproach" that's such an issue. No one can relate with someone like that.
Thank you Jay for yet another video that has such relevance to what I’m experiencing & have experienced in my life. I’m 59 yrs old & have for the past 4 yrs been trying to heal. 55 yrs of not knowing that how your feeling (not good enough, your feelings don’t matter) is a long road to go down once you figure out that you were abused your whole life and that’s why you suffer from anxiety & depression. There have been bumps in the road these past 4 yrs but your videos have helped me to get over these bumps & continue on a better road.
Same I got started at 38, better let than never.
I'm 34 and love these videos. They are spot on... it was making me feel chronic fatigue and stress and lonliness.
Sending understanding to you. I suddenly realised what my mother is in my early 20s. Such a shock when I'd always believed her that every problem was either mine or my dad's fault.
Do they know that they’re abusing us? It took me 50+ years to realize that my mother has orchestrated a false narrative about me.
Jay, this is more than useful! My God...I'm always taking responsibility for what went wrong and then feeling bad for my emotional reactions/responses. Another light shone in the dark corner of my consciousness. Thank you!🙏🏾
Jay! Please let me thank you for this content, hear me out: I've been on this healing rollercoaster about a decade now, and I'm pretty young. It's only possible because of guidance and compassionate perspective like that you provide in your videos here. I mean that. I have a mentor and some friends as support, but to this day, perspective and accurate guidance is CRUCIAL. I found your channel recently, in perfect timing. I appreciate you a lot, Jay - your demeanor, professionalism, compassion, and SHARP intellect are truly gifts. I'm sorry that you understand all of this stuff so well, lol! But really this content is extremely concise & well-presented, and from a highly specific vantage point that I haven't seen expressed more clearly anywhere else online. Jay, THANK YOU for being you and doing this work!
(Like this comment if you agree he ain't bad to look at either lol!)
Excellent Dr Jay,
Constantly on gaurd for feedback that challenges there need for superiority.
False sense of superiority.
They have a core sense of worthlessness that can only be denied.
Meaning, they have to pretend it doesn't exist.
They then project worthless on the closest people around them.
What ever the root cause was, it's now about spiritually crushing there own spouse, kids and others.
An entire life time of this.
Reeking havoc for generations.
It’s weird when they single one out, yet praise the other, though. She’s only ever crushed me, not my sister or my niece and nephew.
Thank u DrJay.I hated them .I was bullied at school and at home. Talk about keeping my hair short because his thing was to punch in the face, kick in the rips while dragging me by the pony tail across the floor down a full set of stairs .y psychologist said if I complained I'd end up in fostercare and so wouldn't my siblings.. I understand people have stressors but the abuse continued right up the age of forty seven so I waited six years ago to quietly get out from under his foot
man i dont feel the complete physical abuse tho i do feel the plan to leave over years
So dreadful for you!!!! Back in the good old days us kids had no rights. Good on you for surviving and getting away.
I'm so sorry you had your experience. ❤ may you be healed 111%
I am so sorry that happened to you.
Omg I relate to Frank... that's exactly me at the end, getting all worked up in my mind, worried about asking for something and what someone's reaction will be... then I do it and find out it's not a big deal and other people are totally normal (not like my parents when I was growing up). Lol!! I've really been hard on myself about this! Your examples really help me work through this gunk!!! 🧚♀️🌺
The legacy of this neglect and abuse is long lasting. Thankfully we meet people during adulthood that show us a different way. It just sucks that we spent so many years invalidating our feelings due to the poor experiences with our parents.
Jay. Some of your videos make me feel so seen and understood. This is one of them. My mom is not a narcissist, but probably has borderline personality disorder which has overlaps with narcissism, so some of your videos fit the bill for me. I then married a narcissist so other videos help for that experience.
If I mentioned all the statements from this video that impacted me to the point of crying, I’d just have to transcribe the whole video. One phrase that really hit home was “with enough practice, the child’s world may consist of everyone but themselves”. I live in a small town and I walk a long distance around town almost every day, but I assume no one ever notices me because I’m irrelevant… even though I say hello to people as I walk every day. If I’m out walking and someone waves at me from a car or calls to me from across the street, I actually don’t respond at all. My natural assumption is that they’re waving or calling to someone else, because who would I ever matter to? Who knows me? Who would even notice that I am present? I almost feel invisible.
Thank you Jay.
I appreciate you.
Dear Jay,
I have watched almost all of your videos and I don't think I've commented before.
What you describe here is I think my main issue which causes my OCD and generalized anxiety disorder, stemming from complex trauma, due to these experiences as a child. I constantly doubt my own perceptions. Did I really turn the stove off? Was what I decided to do/say right? After a lot of self-reflection I understand that this is the result of constant gaslighting as a child. I witnessed and felt one thing and was punished for it and told that what I saw and felt was 'wrong'.
If you could go more in depth about self-gaslighting and doubting your own perception, your own motives and fundamentally your own goodness in one of your next videos, that would be extremely interesting and helpful.
Thank you for all you do!
This is my mentality! Wow! Thank you sir!
Most helpful indeed many thanks, brilliant reflections on many scenarios I've been in myself.
These videos are very meaningful to me after many years of feeling really low and not feeling connected to anyone by my honest choice.
I keep coming across people like this in society too.
Torment. I feel like noone genuinely understands my feelings in life.
Thank you again ❤
Excellent video. I learned a lot from watching and will save and watch again. Also thank you for the ebook. I really appreciate your help.
My mother must be seen as perfection no matter what. And it's the only thing she cares about. I am living with her now after my life fell apart (I'm disabled0. She would not simply have the toilet in the bathroom fixed. Now it leaked all over and it's been like that - stinking for a month. My room is next to it, hers is not. I've spent a month trying to find someone to fix it and I'm exhausted. The only thing she cares about is that "it's not her fault." That's it. She won't help, she won't do anything, she just says it's not her fault. Period.
Tell her it’s a health risk, and a violation (it is; you can call the health department). She can’t bear shame, right?
I had been reading on this exact topic! You are right on time! Healing!
I have a corporate job. This job involves an annual performance review. Every year I work myself up into a tizzy, fearing the worst. Yet every year regardless of who my manager is I get glowing reviews. The managers who are more careful and aware of my contributions to the job and team go out of their way to document it in the performance review.
I think I get so worked up because I expect the same level of abuse and vilification that I experienced in my closed family system. Not only as a child but well into my 30s.
The neglect and emotional abuse deployed by our family members sets us up to believe we will experience in all our interactions with people. At this stage I should not be surprised that my managers view me favorably. I guess it’s still a foreign feeling for me to be validated and recognized for my achievements by someone in authority like a manager.
I think this is what I feel in life and it limits me from so many things... I have severe social anxiety
This one resonates deeply. Starting to understand what the extensive fantasy world I created in my head as a child (multiple, elaborate and existing in both real world versions & dreamt fantasy like versions of the world)
was in response to. Distract, remove, distance, numb, think ahead, and adjust behavior to meet what I imagined others would receive well (rather than living as my genuine self) were my primary responses to the kind of brutal (and in hindsight, inexcusable) contempt, criticism, and dismissiveness that permeated the environment I grew up in. Inexcusable because from my perspective as a current parent the treatment seems beyond reproach - understanding the absurdity of it all from my current and more clear headed state of being helps to keep related self doubts at bay.
On a different phase of these systems - lately, I’ve been feeling like there can be a certain peace that comes with accepting that scapegoating was inevitable. Initially there was frustration over setting the record straight and standing up for myself to other members of the system. But spending time thinking and worrying about that only draws you back to pre-recovery feelings. Since we need to leave that to TRULY recover, I’d rather let the others make whatever use of the distorted narrative and who they’ve defined me to be as they please, so long as they do it “over there”and leave my ability to exist as my real self out of it.
That isn’t a healthy way for them to live, and there is an injustice of this all, but at this point I’d rather they just take what they’ve made of me and use that to placate their need for something to project their internal contradictions onto if it means I can live in peace away from it all.
What if they’re financially supporting you, though? I’m terrified that when my mom, the narcissistic parent dies, that my sister, the bully, will make my life completely miserable if she’s in charge of the money (and I think she will be). She uses my physical disabilities to bully me now.
@@SuziQ. That is a difficult question that I am not qualified to answer. I'd consult with someone who is qualified to advise you on the specific topics you raised. On an unrelated note, I can offer only general encouragement. And that is to stay strong, my friend, and remember that you are worthy of love and happiness just as everyone else is. Know your worth - I believe in you.
@@rileykennedy4066 ,
Thank you. The last two paragraphs of your original post really resonate with me. I spent decades trying to prove that I wasn’t the construct that my parents said I was. It took over 25 years after dad died to realize that most of the insanity is mom, manipulating the people around her. I can’t force my sister and her family to see the truth. Subconsciously, they have to know that there are financial repercussions for questioning mother.
I know that I am loved by a handful of people I trust, and by my dogs, and by a small part of myself that doesn’t want to die yet.
Thank you again. Sending love and light. 🤍
Excellent video. Thank you for illustrating the psychological and emotional mechanisms in play with the example stories of people's experiences. You help us greatly with your kind and sensitive exploration of these situations. 😊
I have been witnessing this for over 30 yrs with my ex and his "mother". He has adopted her thoughts, feelings, and hatred toward "us" others (his own created family). Its so embarrasing. I never talked about my marriage to people in general. He takes great pride in there many abuses of me. Thats what mom wants that what mom gets. Theyre very sadistic when they are together.
One of ur most powerful vidz! 💜🙏🏾
I so needed this! Thank you, Jay!
Another amazing video 🎞🎬🌟Always grateful for your efforts Jay🙏Thanks so much and hope you have an awesome weekend, sending you and Brizo many blessings 🐕✨😇🌈
Yes I try not to offend others at my own cost
Your work and effort are laudable. Thank you very much¡
Thanks for another great video, Jay!
You are spot on again jay. Thank you for your insight and helpful videos
WHAT DO I TELL MY TEEN CHILDREN about my challenges? I’m divorced because I just couldn’t show up in life as an adult; financial problems, I ended up living with my mother who also paid my mortgage. I’m finally breaking free from her and while I desperately want to explain myself I don’t want to burden them with my childhood trauma the way my parents did to me. Could you please do an episode on this topic?
HI Jay - your video channel is such a treasure. It might be helpful to your community if you did a video on relationships in later adulthood - (based on the videos you did about about attachment and gender-based scapegoating ) , thanks for your good work.
Another awesome and insightful video, thanks again Jay
You're always welcome! Thanks too for your support.
i have a question about narcissistic parents stealing your hobbies. so i took up feeding birds, it was gradual as in i liked doing it gave me somthing to be excited about, slowly my father was doing it first then investing then just took it over and said well if u dont do it i will, even tho i was doing it. he even coopted it in like putting hot sauce on nuts so that squirels would be hurt cus mamals have the spicy gene and birds dont. i dont understand their hatred of squirels when we are like 365 times their size. he is now trying to take over my composting worms same denyals same attempts same devaluations. i have a question about these patterns showing up in me. i dont want them and they are here. devaluation stealing friends. coopting friends.
why say somthig is gross and yet still be subconsciously be trying to take over? why? is it cus he wants me to see how little value he has for it, by forcing me into that thinking? only problem is i do see value, i like my worms i like taking care of them, i like that they turn garbage into precious soil, i value the emotions they invoke in me the soft emotions, i dont even want to fish with them cus then they would be gone. idk its a core value and i wont let him have it.
How do these 'safe people' are found though? People like us cannot talk to normal people and the ones like us have issues of themselves, also i feel like i feel safe to talk to especially those kind of broken people, who treat me the same way. the cat bites it's tail over and over again. it's engrained, i'm afraid.
Good question. I have a handful of trusted friends, but I don’t want to be a constant downer, or use them for therapy, though they would let me.
I have never found a good therapist.
There are some people out there that don’t appreciate the difference between insults and constructive criticism.
My narcissistic father has my bank account code should I change it ? I’m afraid he’ll robe or change himself the code and then just gaslight me
Change it!