The (Imaginary) War on Xmas
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- Опубліковано 18 гру 2023
- Jennifer and Pumps heard that all of you listeners were very very naughty this year.... so as a reward they're gifting you the gift of even more sh*t-talking and extra-petty grievances. Today we're diving in to the imaginary "War on Christmas" that's been brought to you by right-wing nuts at Fox News and as I'm sure you can imagine - Jen and Pumps do not hold back.
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I worked at Starbucks during the "Merry Christmas Gotcha". Every time I had a customer that asked for their name "Merry Christmas", I would write "Mary". If I was working the bar, I ignored the "Merry Christmas" and would call out "Coffee for Mary". You would see their happy faces perk up when they'd hear "Mary" followed by a distant stare when they realized what happened. These individuals were always visibly annoyed to spend >$5 on a cup of coffee and realize their flawless plan was curtailed by a 20-something year old girl. Even funnier, sometimes the coffee would go cold because they thought the coffee for "Mary" was for an actual Mary, not their "Merry." So it would sit on the counter until they surmised what happened. I didn't need the job, so I didn't care who got mad. In fact, I loved offering to remake their coffee so they would receive a "positive Starbucks experience". Then I would hand-deliver their red cup to them, so they wouldn't have to worry about missing their order again. I miss that cheap thrill, I'm such an asshole.
I got a serious dopamine boost reading this lmaooo 😭🤩 u did great!!
How do we get this comment into a syringe so I can inject it straight into my veins?
Love it
You’re brilliant!! That must have been SO satisfying. 🤣🤣🤣
You're my hero! 💙
"She got shit canned for being a racist from NBC." Pumps has a certain way of cutting through the bull shit that is so refreshing
When our family got the “news letter”Christmas cards we’d sit in a circle and read them dramatically and sarcastically. It was our favorite!! 🤣🤣🎄
That's awesome!
We get one every year from my mom’s old coworker and we look forward to reading it cause this woman has no filter. “Kyle is in jail,” “Lucy and Ron are separated, Again.” She would always spill the tea 😂
I’m queer, and I manufacture a tabletop gaming miniatures line based on the imaginary War on Christmas, because years ago I had already done had it with Megyn Kelly, FOX NEWS, and their imaginary political dramas!
Years later, the “War in Christmas Village” miniatures line now has 8 boxed sets of tabletop gaming miniatures to corrupt next Christmas and prank your mamaw’s Christmas Village display. I even created a boxed set titled “She Ain’t Having It!” Which features a miniature of Mrs Claus wielding a heavy crossbow.
My other comment disappeared.🤷🏻♂️
Also, I forgot to mention this; our miniatures arrive unpainted, and you can paint Santa any color you like :)
That's brilliant. It's like the garden gnomes roasting a lawn flamingo on a spit or getting eaten by a T-rex.
Yes, to hell with wrapping paper! Put that shit in a bag with tissue paper and call it a day.
One word: bags.
I'm with Pumps on the Gift-Wrapping shenanigans. I reluctantly wrapped all of the gifts this past Sunday after having them sit in my closet since Cyber Monday. Only for my 3 year-old to unwrap 2 of them that weren't even hers, for fun.
‘Been there, done that, don’t care.’ Another new favorite line.
My sister-in-law still does a newsletter because they're not online much. It's mostly a list which grandkid graduated, what job another grandkid got, and who in our home town has died recently. Even when they go on a trip, she just gives the route and one or two sites of interest. The only time she bragged was when someone bid $30 for a dozen of her homemade buns at a charity auction. She was that tickled. And her buns are fantastic.
I’m listening to this while working & having possibly the shittest work day of all time, & this has really turned my mood around. Thanks Christmas angels!
I have to interject - why does a cup of coffee need to celebrate any holiday? Get your coffee and get a life people!! There are people in the world with no food or water and if the Starbucks cup is your biggest problem in life, you are "blessed". Love this podcast
I boycotted Christmas this year! My 84 yr old mother died this Thanksgiving evening. A week later my two 30 something daughters drove us all to her out of state funeral. My girls treated me like I was the child and they were the parents!! I haven't spoken to either of them since we got back! F*+k Christmas this year! I love y'all's show! Y'all are truth talking powerful women! Keep it coming ladies!!
Thank you for including the melania audio about her complaining about Christmas 😂 it's too good to ignore/forget
And yet again here is my insomnious ass waiting for another episode. 😂. 😅😅😅. Best podcast ever !
I do the same thing. What's your insomniac demon? I'm a woman of a certain age... menopause.
@@taylorfausett177peri menopause is kicking my ass. Any tips for getting through it? The night sweats are killing me
Wrapping gifts is a waste of time and energy. I leave them in the Amazon packaging.
Merry Christmas.
I am so Grateful to find you both…and you are from OKLAHOMA which gives me get pleasure that there is movement to sanity in the south…Happy New Year♥️🌀
Y'all really need to do an episode of Jennifer quizing Pumps on the Lesbian Masterdoc.
the funniest thing to me abt the whole starbucks cup thing is that everybody who was mad abt it seemed to think that starbucks themselves were offended by christianity 😭 the whole idea was that they don’t assume a customer celebrates christmas, absolutely nothing to do with the corporation itself.
I'm a grinch. I give everyone cash! I am NOT returning shit! He'll no! They all love money!
I totally get Anna Gastyer from Saturday night live vibes. I swear to god if Alec Baldwin comes on talking about his Shwety Balls I will lose it! Love the show!
Jumping in a little late - those are some smashing sweaters 😉.
I’m just done with the holidays. Done. I feel like Christmas starts earlier each year … I cannot tolerate Christmas beginning at the end of September and running to January. I will be so glad this time next week!!!!!!!
I have an Uncle who used to send the stupid update letter! Omg the other side of the family hated it. So bragodoshish ( is that a word) self righteous, sanctimonious B.S.!
So the genius plan was to give Starbucks your money and wish them Merry Christmas on twitter? Ouch! Buuurn 🙄
I buy most of my gifts at local stores and they wrap that shit for ya for free! Seriously it’s the only thing good about moving from San Diego to SW Oklahoma lol
Thank you for the history lesson - the first war on Christmas was done by Christians!
I cannot wait to put a stamp on our Christmas card and send it right to my favorite Aunties, wrong punctuation and all!😂😋 but really Kiley I need the PO Box!!!
Do you mis-punctuate on purpose to see the reaction? If so, genius!
just spent 10 hours wrapping presents for my boss. learned how to make big beautiful christmas bows. hate to admit that they make the difference 😭
“Guys a new family Christmas card dropped!” Lmao 🤣
I’m an illustrator and I love thoughtful personal cards. Each person deserves something personal from you. A lot of people are alone during this family time and a personal thought of them may be something wonderful. As you mature people can forget about you.
What drives me crazy is we are not allowed to loosen their teeth. All of them
Growing up Jehovah’s Witness I’d always hear about this war on Christmas and I couldn’t wait because I hated it when ppl said merry Christmas because I couldn’t say it back and it was awkward for me. But you know oh never really came!! Now I love Christmas or happy holidays or winter solstice. I’m just so happy to celebrate stuff 😂😂
Funny, I did not know Starbucks was a religious institution!
We bought an embarrassing amount of assorted sized bags and boxes and tissue paper this year so that we didn't have to wrap anything because we hate it so much.
I use boxes and bags too. This year I plan to knit some ugly-Christmas-sweater style gift bags that we can use year after year. :)
I've had it with social media too! Oh, um, so why am I watching this?😂😄😋!!
Well, because it is pretty good!
I have to wrap all the family gifts including my mums for the grandkids… every year.. I am on my own for v2 hours wrapping… I hate it… and about half way through I am grabbing any roll and wrapping it badly.. with wrong size paper… lol.. and the tape wrapping itself around my head… the kids rip them open without reading the cards from whom it was from…. Hate it
“Whos gonna tell her about jesus?” IM DEAD.
And the way Jen said it was priceless... like she was concerned about the fact that it was going to blow her mind. That line made me really laugh as well.
@@taylorfausett177 💀 it was like 8am and i burst out laughing so hard. New neighbors upstairs probably hate me now but oh well!!
I cried the whole time. This was my favorite.
1:20 SOLUTION! Have her wrap all of your presents! Its a win win!!!
Jen also those letters with the Xmas cards from those perfect families that have had the best years ever!
Narcissism by mail!!!! 🤣 💯 🔥
Good morning ladies!
The newsletters my relatives send definitely fit her narcissism by mail description. It’s basically a self-indulgent, written version of an “Instagram brag,” where they curate exactly what they want you to know about how amazing their family is… bleh
I’m the same as Jennifer! Rearrange them under the tree. Bows and ribbons! And I can’t stand holes in my tree and I have to rearrange the ornaments a ton!
Jen we have to see how you wrap your gifts bc now I’m intrigued
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year😁
Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays is interchangeable. Holidays means “Holy Days”. It’s the same, but the GOP and their followers don’t actually read or care about what words mean.
I'VE HAD IT when they bleep the C-word!
*Jesus's birthday - in December since sometime in the Middle Ages....*
Happy Holidays, EVERYBODY!
Dont have social media. Thus why I send out Holiday cards
And Jennifer do you listen to christmas music while you meticulously wrap these gifts as well? Cuz that would really make Pumps bananas ;) LOL Love you two
Love you all, love the show! Thank you for making my day a little better. #Blessyourchristmashatingheart 😂
Hey Jennifer and Pumps, look up Rocky Mountain Mike and Santa was white. You'll love it.
A great birthday present for me to have a new episode of petty grievances, holiday style. I have come to realize that I think Jennifer aka Jessica is related to me. Mentally, we are identical twins.
So blessed to have you all on my journey. #bebest #livelaughlove
That’s the Evil-Jellycans for ya.
Evil-jellycans 😅 love it. Seriously they are satanic.
Jennifer should start saying she’s a great wrapper at the beginning to confuse ppl to think she’s talking about rapping.
The first 30 seconds 🤣🤣💯 get em Jennifer. 💀
I hate religion because the Christian people take it too far 🤣🤣💀 yeahhh I never heard about fox but damnnnn who’s watching thattttt?! Brainwashing just talk the talk frrrrr LMAOOO yeah I was angry when I heard thatttt like wthhhh
I made the card for my sister a mock family newsletter. I wrote stupid updates about myself like that I still work the exact same job and I drew a stick figure portrait of myself. She won’t get it until January 3 because I wasn’t braving the ups store before Christmas and that’s what she gets for moving out of state. 😂😂😂
It really is ironic that Melania’s slogan is ‘be best’, when Trump’s slogan is ‘be worst’, the absolute worst human being you can be.
You guys, venting on these lunatics, is a sweet tonic on a lovely Tuesday morning. You sound exactly like my friends and I and it’s comforting..Thanks ladies!
WHERE is the clip of Chloe fineman doing that Melania impression! I'm dying at GINGERBREAD MAN omg!! I have to find it
“Who’s gonna tell her about Jesus 😂” thank you 🙏🏻
I love wrapping gifts but wrapping isn’t recyclable…. When my folks got divorced my mom made fabric bags and I still have some now 50 yrs old. Saw some being sold this yr as an alternative to paper.
Why would you think Jews would be offended by "Merry Christmas"? We're not.
I decided to cancel Xmas this year, not decorating not cooking not giving I always do everything for everyone and take care of it all …I’m done after 35 years it’s all bulshit religious garbage and consumerism
Okay Scrooge
One could say you’ve had it with Christmas
There were two well known European pagan seasonal celebrations, one was the Solstice (Northern Europe) but also Saturnalia in Rome, which was a huge PARTY, with role reversals that made a slave king for a day. *Class Role reversal and full on partying that is exactly the kind of thing that drives Puritans crazy! *
Happy holidays mothers lol Love y’all so much 😂
Merry Christmas IHIP.... Lori sent you 2 to me bless he heavenly soul! You both bring REALITY to life in a why that gives ya freedom to laugh at how much fuckery goes on out in this cray, cray country... as another Christmas is logged in the history books. Now to get over New Years so I can start working on my trump-vodo-dolls complete with black head pins. I long for non-techno Christmas and shoe that will fit my big feet (women's 13). Cause the last 3 years for transgender women has been one shit thing after another. Keep the fiight going... I've one of your biggest fan!😍😉💋
#manifesting the holiday spirit
Pumps, gurl, gift bags! throw it in the bag stuff some pretty tissue & either slap To/From sticker or slip a pretty christmas card inside & done! forget those corners😂
I agree,every time I got a letter I hated it.
I joined the War on Christmas on the side of Christmas, and we are winning Christbros
Omg I grew up Jehovah’s Witness and used to write those letters 😂😂😂 I apologize! Listen, sitting around writing letters is better than knocking on doors. We all hated that. We called it letter writing territory and we all jumped at the opportunity.
I don’t say Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays, if someone says one to me I just say ‘and to you also’
I'm team Jennifer hand made bows so stunning people don't want to open them! I'm team pumps, because the christmas music needs some new tunes, like Wrap me up by Jimmy Fallon and Meagan Trainer!
My tree is 12 inches.😁
Princilla The Queen Maker would be an awesome guest 😎
Excuse me Ladies, Oliver Cromwell was probably the first all out Puritan Christmas warrior in chief during and after the English civil war. He became Lord Protector of England and Scotland right after he decapitated Charles the first for basically being the Donald Trump of his time and promptly banned Christmas for over 6 years. He prayed to Christ 8 times a day.
Oliver Cromwell was infinitely worse than Donald Trump as he was a religious fanatic and at least Trump doesn't even believe in God.
I’m hopping in here late, but as someone who has worked in retail for the past 8 years, I’ve had it with the Christmas merchandise coming into the store in September/October and being expected to put it all up the day after Halloween. It’s not letting me enjoy the seasons. It’s all capitalist garbage. I don’t want hear the same 13 horrendous Christmas songs for 6-12 hours per day, each day for a month or more. That’s gotta have a negative psychological effect, not to mention how damaging it is to morale on the day-to-day. I’ve had it with the corporatized commodification of the holidays, especially Christmas. It just gets worse and happens earlier and earlier every year.
The Skims ad read!!! You guys get some amazing sponsors. I was so gagged at the Estee Lauder or Loreal, so bougie
About the fact that Xmas comes from W.S. celebrations, yes and no. The Puritans hated the Catholics, who were the Christians that borrowed heavily from the different traditions of the British natives, which is why so many celebratory traditions were 'pagan'. So of course, the Puritan Christians hated it. So glad they failed. As an ex-Christian atheist, I love Christmas and the decorations and giving them more inclusive terms...what the hell is wrong with them that they have to be so hateful?
Again. Not a word was uttered by Jennifer almost verfuckim 😉, that I have not said 100 times. Thank you!
I’m 1 out of 12, I wrap my gifts like they’re worth a million bucks, I hate receiving Christmas cards, and social media is a mixed pageant of narcissistic and low-confidence shitshow.
And how long are you holding on to those cards before you throw them away? No picture- immediately. 😂. And I don’t have social media on my phone. I can’t tell you how many parties I’m blissfully unaware I’m invited to 😂.
Hi Girls this is a question for Jennifer. could you do a bow during your podcast. Anytime is fine I do love wrapping also. Thanks' have a Merry Christmas. You bitches rock!!
A Chicago radio station used to read the merry medical Christmas newsletters people would send out talking about all their medical procedures that year. I think the ladies should do this
How can I call in and leave a “I’ve had it”?
How would Trump even force private companies to put up Merry Christmas
I want an Asian Santa 🎅
The War on Christmas, is stupid. Being respectful to others is not a war on Christmas.
Leave it to the Christians. They couldn't beat it so they stole Christmas. The Original Grinches.
Please try to get the two hot takes podcast on here 🙏. That would be amazing
10:40, they do Jesus memorial
OMG. I could watch that guy at the Trump rallies ALLLL day. You could make an entire episode from his stuff. 🇺🇸 🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸
Listen up, Jesús!
If you want to listen to Christmas music that won't make you suicidal, listen to Tarja's album "Dark Christmas".
Fantastic. Her version of "All I Want For Christmas Is You" might keep you from jumping out the window.
I have to- and hate to admit it, but I DO envy hustlers like Jesse Waters. The wherewithal, the shamelessness, the baseness of their instincts inspire me, on some level, to be a worser person. I suppose I can take some solace in the fact that I have a degree of self awareness that allows me to acknowledge that. I really want to work on my Grift Game in '24. Maybe fucking around this year will lead to a POSITIVE finding out?
Is it possible to be highly uneducated?
Where did you find the Melania SNL clip? Cant find it anywhereeeeee
Ok, so Santa is real. I know this because I called a number and spoke to one of his elves at NORAD. Can you call Jesus? I don't THINK so!
What episode of SNL is that one can someone tell me
Plz😂
i am trying so hard to find that clip LOL
Jehovah Witness = the original War on Christmas :)
Young Orange Jesus gives a $5 bribe to Santa to get the full wish list after being bad all year :)
"Hey-yo" was Ed McMann's trademark in the 70's. ChristAin'ts are showing their target demographic.
Wonderful work, ladies!
A Roman emperor in the 312AD,Constantine,it was Invictus day to celebrate the roman sodiers on December 25th previous to that
The Privileged White Women Podcast!