Avital, you are THE ONE parenting coach everyone should follow! I thought I was the only one who felt inadequate after reading peaceful parenting books. Thank you and this perspective is just amazing!! I was thinking what was that brake that could remind me to stop myself in the moment and this definitely sounds like great working strategy !! Thank you so much for this!
I'm also a parenting coach, and I've been diagnosed with intermittent rage disorder! For me, leaning in to my anger and vocalizing it works well: "I'm feeling my head get hot. My heart is pounding. I'm VERY ANGRY. I need a moment to regulate!"
Thank you! I have never heard another mom talk about this! They usually look at me like I'm crazy if I try to bring it up no one wants to admit they struggle. This is the best advice thank you.
Another Present Play member shared how she uses the bathroom when she’s triggered- I realized the reason that helps her was because we wouldn’t go pee if we were being chased by a tiger 🐅 so the act tells our body that it’s not an emergency! So doing something like that can help our body de-escalate out of fight flight or freeze. I also love this video because being triggered can come out of nowhere - for me, especially when I’m tired. I’m learning to “assess” when I’m triggered - and then make a better decision (“I’m triggered, because I’m tired- I will feel less anxious and worked up if I go to bed early tonight… so the best way I can handle it right now is to just breathe and ask my son to give me a few minutes to calm down in the bathroom, and it will be ok”)
You need more likes and acknowledgment than what you receive. Thank you taking the time to make this video, edit it, download it and for explaining in such a detailed way easy for us to understand. Saving this video. I appreciate you. 🙏
Not me crying 😭 I am so thankful for you. You are so honest and raw, but still so so comforting and reassuring even with the "ugly truth". I feel like I am who you used to be and I love watching your videos because I feel like you're the parenting hero.
It was really helpful to know that there are other parents that are like me who are struggling with parenting anger. Thank you so much for this video. You are really nailing it.
Thank you! This really was helpful. You are so right. Most parenting sources don’t seem like a good fit as they seem to be talking to the zen parents! Triggers are real. And this really helps.
This is absolutely the most helpful anger management tool I've ever heard. As someone who grew up with the experience of an alcoholic in their lives for a time, I have a strong dislike of alcohol and it's effects. Thank you for this comparison and for the scientific reasoning behind it, I would never want to act like a drunk person in front of my children and I now realize that's exactly what I've looked like at times. This is going to be life changing ❤️
Your honesty is so refreshing. Imposter syndrome is something I have felt so strongly over the years. Even when I was proud of them, I felt guilty bragging because I thought people knew I was a bad mom. But I left a toxic marriage last month, and it was like a switch was flipped. That alone created so much space in my head and heart for patience and love and understanding. Your last video about hating your child came out right after we separated, and it was very eye opening. I started by holding my oldest son (9) like a baby and cuddling. He used to be stiff as a board when I tried to hug him, now he’s coming in for them on his own. We are healing. You have helped me so much already. Thank-you ❤️❤️
wow this really saved me to hear today. I'm having a super challenging time in parenting with no physical support. Just me an my children. 24/7 The anger rises and I feel so alone in those moments because no one else talks about it like how you do in this video. Thank you for sharing your experience and intelligence on the topic of brain function with anger and how to think about this when it comes to functional proud parenting. Thank you so much!!!
This resonated with me. I appreciate your honesty. I have anger issues and have developed many bad habits but after watching this I know that there is hope to control my anger. I loved the drunk apology...practical tip.
Do you get triggered? What helps you minimize the "damages" when you're in fight, flight, or freeze mode? Psst... Present Play is opening soon, make sure you get on the waitlist so you don't miss it! ( www.theparentingjunkie.com/presentplay )
Thank you for the candor. I feel exactly the way you describe when listening to some of the other responsive parenting advocates. I will definitely add this t my mama toolbox.
Avital I have been following you for a few years and I am so impressed by you. You are genuinely so brilliant and your messages so valuable. You've taken me out of some dark places and helped me see the positive possibilities as a parent. Thank you. I also relate big time with being short fused and fiery! So this message was so good to hear. :)
I cant tell you how much pressure has come off my shoulders just hearing this. I watched your other videos too and just cried. That I'm not the only one who struggles with this more than others, that I'm just more quick to anger than others. I feel empowered now for the next time this happens, but more importantly I can help my 4 year old son and be the role model I want to be.
Hi dear Fam. Yesterday I beat my kids as they were making lots of noise while everyone was sleeping. I couldn't control my emotions and unleashed all my toxicity to my kids. Then guess what. All night I couldn't sleep because of my behaviour.I felt guilty. While searching for how to control my emotions I came across your channel. Thanks for being that natural and giving practical, useful advice. I highly appreciate it. Now I am getting ready to ask for forgiveness and apologies from my kids.
This is so me .. and feels so good to know that you have been through the same . I’m totally a victim of the spiral ping thoughts of guilt and shame after I have been verbally and physically harsh to my kids and always wonder and probably think that Im surely screwing them up
Exactly what i was looking for. I was such a calm person before i had kids. Almost nothing could trigger me. I was super zen. But after the pressure that we have with kids on a daily basis i already don’t recognise myself. I am triggered everyday and getting angry mostly on my husband actually. I feel that i totaly lost control and i hope to try and fix it with your great tips
This was so helpful for me! I’m absolutely the “zen” parent you speak of, but my husband is very much an easily triggered parent and I’m trying to understand from his perspective. When he is triggered I want to be able to step in without shaming him, in order to prevent him from escalating a situation with our child who might be disregulated herself.
THIS! I don’t know what to say to my husband (or my children) in the moment that isn’t contradicting him. He imposed punishments (made up in the heat of the moment) that don’t make much sense really. It’s frustrating.
I think this is a great video. Something I want to add is to also tell our kids, not only “we will talk when you are calm” but also it’s ok to be angry, and we will talk when we are all calm, not because you are not a good person when you are angry, but because our brain works better when we are not”. Thanks a lot for all your videos :)
This is exactly what I've been going through right now with my daughter, thank you. I decided "zipping it" is the best thing for me so much of the time. (My wife probably appreciates it too...) You of course put it into more in-depth and succinct advice than I could ever do. Thank you.
Really hard parenting a child with behavioral issues. I have good and bad days as she does. It's hard enough trying to deal with my own depression and anger and I have outbursts that I kick myself for for days after. I don't know how I'm going to get through, especially now that my partner and I are separated. I am hoping that my daughter is able to find coping mechanisms too. I don't know how I am going to be able to help her. I always feel like a failed father. Thanks for the video, it helps to know that others find it difficult too. Wishing good vibes for all.
You posed a great question, Avetal: what if being angery is like being drunk? The answer, let time pass, was not very sobering for most situations. I feel the more empowering takeaway you were hinting at, but didn't quite get to was we can control our physiology. And the neuroscience does support this. Breathing exercises do change your physiology all day long. Even emotional states like anger! The best solution: pulsed breathing. Take a half breath in and briefly pause (half second) and then breath in the other half Exhale the same way. Repeat for however long you need. Longer exhales also are much more calming than deeper breathes, although diaphragmatic breathing does reduce anxiety. You can view this technique from the Andrew Huberman Lab podcast. Also, ala Kelly McGonagal, anger is the emotion when didn't get what we wanted. It's an emotion in response to another emotion. Usually this is embarrassment, shock, or saddness. So it helps, imo, to look at the situation through these emotions and verbalize them. Verbalizing, as you said, also another thing you got right, allows us to seperate from our emotion, thus controlling our physiology further. Highly recommend you read The Upside of Stress for access to additional stress responses beyond freeze flight or fight. There are more, and it's not the whole picture! If I never heard this video, I would have never come to thinking these things, so I truly thank you 😊
I just love you, keep up those great videos and valuable advice! I agree with someone who said that is triggered by crying and screaming of kids, I can't stand it. My ears feel bad and my brain gets foggy. What can I do? If I leave my kid who is screaming or crying for something, I will make it worse. Neither can the father help me, because they want me at that time. Please help!
I'm back here After a while. I have many mellow parent Friends, and It does make me feel really inapt and incapable. Last night bedtime was never ending, and at the fifth "Emergency" I went in for, I Lost it a bit. Even if I fully intended to not get triggered. I even told my husband "I got this, I don't want you to get mad at her and yell this late" hm...I did raise my voice a bit, but mostly did a lot of accusing and guilting and shaming, plus threw out her Fairy lights in Anger (they keep breaking, I put in another light for her). A whole lot of awful. I stepped out, breathed the cold night air, calmed down, and realized I'm done. I don't know how to correctly deal with the situations, but I know the getting angry Is very much NOT working. It hurts me. Hurts my family. Went up, apologized, and reacted in a conscious way to the next 4times She called me in. I won't get it right every time, but my husband and I agree, the Anger needs to decreasd in this house, and ours must be the First to stop coming up for everything. We might have to implement boundaries more consistently to not get there, we'll see...but we Had a family meeting and declared where we are.
I need more techniques to calm down. I'm easily triggered by screams and children crying when they don't get their way. I know it's their way to communicate, but it activates the anger in me, and sometimes leaving it's not the solution because those screams and cries don't stop that quickly.
A very helpful perspective. I also appreciate you discussing how it feels like it simply comes easier to calm parenting teachers. I often feel like the "experts" are not talking to me, too. My triggers often come up when we are under time constraints or pressure to go or get something done *right now.* But my question is... how can we apply this drunk idea when under time pressure? How can I take a break or cool down if I'm struggling to get a kid into a car seat or get them dressed and ready to leave the house on time? Like, yes I'm drunk but I actually need to drive right now anyway if you know what I mean metaphorically lol 🤷 It's a terrible feeling! Anyway, thank you for the video and talking realistically and honestly about anger while parenting.
Could you perhaps help me understand how to react correctly when I overwhelmed, staple situation, happens almost daily, I'm walking with another mum, our older kids (mine is 5 year old) are scooters, my newborn is in bassinet pram, my 5 year old speeds up and goes way ahead of us together with her friend, they speed on scooter, while we are moving on pavement, there are roads to cross, my older one is quite sensible in that she stops just about before a road but by then she has gone so fast on scooter, and went ahead of me, I can see her and can't run after her as iam pushing a pram but in meantime my mind is drawing up terrible images of accident, I feel anxious, worried, stressed, what do I do? How do I react? I asked my elder one not to speed but when she is with friends, they don't hear us moms
Were you by any chance spying on me today? I'm only 7 minutes into the video and it's like you know exactly how I reacted to my child's behaviour this morning and how I'm feeling right now.. A total failure
I do a 1 2 3 method I count before I tell my son. That he needs to stop acting out. Then if he gets too bad it's a time out. Being firm is important not always easy but it helps. Especially for an almost 2 year old. It's not saying anger is extremely wrong. It's how we react to what our child does.
Avital, you are THE ONE parenting coach everyone should follow! I thought I was the only one who felt inadequate after reading peaceful parenting books. Thank you and this perspective is just amazing!! I was thinking what was that brake that could remind me to stop myself in the moment and this definitely sounds like great working strategy !! Thank you so much for this!
Hea awwwwq ndbnm I’m jj My mnaeaaaw polo
I'm also a parenting coach, and I've been diagnosed with intermittent rage disorder! For me, leaning in to my anger and vocalizing it works well: "I'm feeling my head get hot. My heart is pounding. I'm VERY ANGRY. I need a moment to regulate!"
What a bullsh1t diagnosis. They'll diagnose for anything these days.
Thank you! I have never heard another mom talk about this! They usually look at me like I'm crazy if I try to bring it up no one wants to admit they struggle. This is the best advice thank you.
Another Present Play member shared how she uses the bathroom when she’s triggered- I realized the reason that helps her was because we wouldn’t go pee if we were being chased by a tiger 🐅 so the act tells our body that it’s not an emergency! So doing something like that can help our body de-escalate out of fight flight or freeze.
I also love this video because being triggered can come out of nowhere - for me, especially when I’m tired. I’m learning to “assess” when I’m triggered - and then make a better decision (“I’m triggered, because I’m tired- I will feel less anxious and worked up if I go to bed early tonight… so the best way I can handle it right now is to just breathe and ask my son to give me a few minutes to calm down in the bathroom, and it will be ok”)
You need more likes and acknowledgment than what you receive. Thank you taking the time to make this video, edit it, download it and for explaining in such a detailed way easy for us to understand. Saving this video. I appreciate you. 🙏
Not me crying 😭
I am so thankful for you. You are so honest and raw, but still so so comforting and reassuring even with the "ugly truth". I feel like I am who you used to be and I love watching your videos because I feel like you're the parenting hero.
It was really helpful to know that there are other parents that are like me who are struggling with parenting anger. Thank you so much for this video. You are really nailing it.
Thank you! This really was helpful. You are so right. Most parenting sources don’t seem like a good fit as they seem to be talking to the zen parents! Triggers are real. And this really helps.
This is absolutely the most helpful anger management tool I've ever heard. As someone who grew up with the experience of an alcoholic in their lives for a time, I have a strong dislike of alcohol and it's effects. Thank you for this comparison and for the scientific reasoning behind it, I would never want to act like a drunk person in front of my children and I now realize that's exactly what I've looked like at times. This is going to be life changing ❤️
Your honesty is so refreshing. Imposter syndrome is something I have felt so strongly over the years. Even when I was proud of them, I felt guilty bragging because I thought people knew I was a bad mom.
But I left a toxic marriage last month, and it was like a switch was flipped. That alone created so much space in my head and heart for patience and love and understanding. Your last video about hating your child came out right after we separated, and it was very eye opening. I started by holding my oldest son (9) like a baby and cuddling. He used to be stiff as a board when I tried to hug him, now he’s coming in for them on his own. We are healing. You have helped me so much already. Thank-you ❤️❤️
wow this really saved me to hear today. I'm having a super challenging time in parenting with no physical support. Just me an my children. 24/7 The anger rises and I feel so alone in those moments because no one else talks about it like how you do in this video. Thank you for sharing your experience and intelligence on the topic of brain function with anger and how to think about this when it comes to functional proud parenting. Thank you so much!!!
This resonated with me. I appreciate your honesty. I have anger issues and have developed many bad habits but after watching this I know that there is hope to control my anger. I loved the drunk apology...practical tip.
Do you get triggered? What helps you minimize the "damages" when you're in fight, flight, or freeze mode?
Psst... Present Play is opening soon, make sure you get on the waitlist so you don't miss it! ( www.theparentingjunkie.com/presentplay )
Thank you SO MUCH for your humility. Because you don’t hide your faults we all get to gain the skills we need to be the parents we want to be.
Thank you for the candor. I feel exactly the way you describe when listening to some of the other responsive parenting advocates. I will definitely add this t my mama toolbox.
Avital I have been following you for a few years and I am so impressed by you. You are genuinely so brilliant and your messages so valuable. You've taken me out of some dark places and helped me see the positive possibilities as a parent. Thank you. I also relate big time with being short fused and fiery! So this message was so good to hear. :)
I cant tell you how much pressure has come off my shoulders just hearing this. I watched your other videos too and just cried. That I'm not the only one who struggles with this more than others, that I'm just more quick to anger than others. I feel empowered now for the next time this happens, but more importantly I can help my 4 year old son and be the role model I want to be.
Hi dear Fam. Yesterday I beat my kids as they were making lots of noise while everyone was sleeping. I couldn't control my emotions and unleashed all my toxicity to my kids. Then guess what. All night I couldn't sleep because of my behaviour.I felt guilty. While searching for how to control my emotions I came across your channel.
Thanks for being that natural and giving practical, useful advice. I highly appreciate it.
Now I am getting ready to ask for forgiveness and apologies from my kids.
This is so me .. and feels so good to know that you have been through the same . I’m totally a victim of the spiral ping thoughts of guilt and shame after I have been verbally and physically harsh to my kids and always wonder and probably think that Im surely screwing them up
Exactly what i was looking for. I was such a calm person before i had kids. Almost nothing could trigger me. I was super zen. But after the pressure that we have with kids on a daily basis i already don’t recognise myself. I am triggered everyday and getting angry mostly on my husband actually. I feel that i totaly lost control and i hope to try and fix it with your great tips
You have been helping me for about 6 years now! You always post exactly what I need to hear.
Absolutely amazing analogy! You are a fantastic mentor! Thank you for being so honest and giving us all help.
That was really helpful! Thank you touching the 'hard' and not much talked about parts of parenting!
This was so helpful for me! I’m absolutely the “zen” parent you speak of, but my husband is very much an easily triggered parent and I’m trying to understand from his perspective. When he is triggered I want to be able to step in without shaming him, in order to prevent him from escalating a situation with our child who might be disregulated herself.
THIS! I don’t know what to say to my husband (or my children) in the moment that isn’t contradicting him. He imposed punishments (made up in the heat of the moment) that don’t make much sense really. It’s frustrating.
I have been searching for a video like this for so long. Thank you so much!
I think this is a great video. Something I want to add is to also tell our kids, not only “we will talk when you are calm” but also it’s ok to be angry, and we will talk when we are all calm, not because you are not a good person when you are angry, but because our brain works better when we are not”.
Thanks a lot for all your videos :)
So helpful im a single mom and i have twins boy and girl and its so hard not to yell
I love the term "Under the Influence of Anger. "
This is exactly what I've been going through right now with my daughter, thank you. I decided "zipping it" is the best thing for me so much of the time. (My wife probably appreciates it too...) You of course put it into more in-depth and succinct advice than I could ever do. Thank you.
Good job “zipping it”
Avital, where have been all my life? This is good for tweens. More tween content please
Thats how I am feeling… thank you so much ❤
Thank you! I needed this.
Super helpful! Thank you
I love you. You know just what I need to hear. Thank you so much for everything you do to help other parents.
So important, thank you! ❤
Thank you so much for this
I get triggered all the time so this was exactly what I needed today 🥰
Very helpful, and refreshing the anger is normal approach! Love it.
Tq Avital for this amazing tips - Love from Malaysia
Such an amazing video, it came at the perfect time as we are expecting our baby into this world. Thank you!
EXTREMELY helpful!!!!!!
Really hard parenting a child with behavioral issues. I have good and bad days as she does. It's hard enough trying to deal with my own depression and anger and I have outbursts that I kick myself for for days after. I don't know how I'm going to get through, especially now that my partner and I are separated. I am hoping that my daughter is able to find coping mechanisms too. I don't know how I am going to be able to help her. I always feel like a failed father. Thanks for the video, it helps to know that others find it difficult too. Wishing good vibes for all.
Thank you, Avital ❤ I’ve been super easily triggered lately and feeling that “shame hangover” very frequently 💔
Thank you for being so relatable.
I sooo relate..thank you
You posed a great question, Avetal: what if being angery is like being drunk? The answer, let time pass, was not very sobering for most situations. I feel the more empowering takeaway you were hinting at, but didn't quite get to was we can control our physiology. And the neuroscience does support this.
Breathing exercises do change your physiology all day long. Even emotional states like anger! The best solution: pulsed breathing. Take a half breath in and briefly pause (half second) and then breath in the other half Exhale the same way. Repeat for however long you need. Longer exhales also are much more calming than deeper breathes, although diaphragmatic breathing does reduce anxiety. You can view this technique from the Andrew Huberman Lab podcast.
Also, ala Kelly McGonagal, anger is the emotion when didn't get what we wanted. It's an emotion in response to another emotion. Usually this is embarrassment, shock, or saddness. So it helps, imo, to look at the situation through these emotions and verbalize them. Verbalizing, as you said, also another thing you got right, allows us to seperate from our emotion, thus controlling our physiology further. Highly recommend you read The Upside of Stress for access to additional stress responses beyond freeze flight or fight. There are more, and it's not the whole picture!
If I never heard this video, I would have never come to thinking these things, so I truly thank you 😊
❤ cranky dad, I so needed to hear this
I just love you, keep up those great videos and valuable advice!
I agree with someone who said that is triggered by crying and screaming of kids, I can't stand it. My ears feel bad and my brain gets foggy. What can I do? If I leave my kid who is screaming or crying for something, I will make it worse. Neither can the father help me, because they want me at that time. Please help!
Definitely easier said than done but all good stuff. Also good to know this is a universal challenge!
I'm back here After a while. I have many mellow parent Friends, and It does make me feel really inapt and incapable. Last night bedtime was never ending, and at the fifth "Emergency" I went in for, I Lost it a bit. Even if I fully intended to not get triggered. I even told my husband "I got this, I don't want you to get mad at her and yell this late" hm...I did raise my voice a bit, but mostly did a lot of accusing and guilting and shaming, plus threw out her Fairy lights in Anger (they keep breaking, I put in another light for her). A whole lot of awful. I stepped out, breathed the cold night air, calmed down, and realized I'm done. I don't know how to correctly deal with the situations, but I know the getting angry Is very much NOT working. It hurts me. Hurts my family. Went up, apologized, and reacted in a conscious way to the next 4times She called me in. I won't get it right every time, but my husband and I agree, the Anger needs to decreasd in this house, and ours must be the First to stop coming up for everything. We might have to implement boundaries more consistently to not get there, we'll see...but we Had a family meeting and declared where we are.
Thank you 😊
Oh my goodness Avital-I just had the “I’m a fraud” thought today, after having a rough triggering morning.
I need more techniques to calm down. I'm easily triggered by screams and children crying when they don't get their way. I know it's their way to communicate, but it activates the anger in me, and sometimes leaving it's not the solution because those screams and cries don't stop that quickly.
I am the same
A very helpful perspective. I also appreciate you discussing how it feels like it simply comes easier to calm parenting teachers. I often feel like the "experts" are not talking to me, too. My triggers often come up when we are under time constraints or pressure to go or get something done *right now.* But my question is... how can we apply this drunk idea when under time pressure? How can I take a break or cool down if I'm struggling to get a kid into a car seat or get them dressed and ready to leave the house on time? Like, yes I'm drunk but I actually need to drive right now anyway if you know what I mean metaphorically lol 🤷 It's a terrible feeling! Anyway, thank you for the video and talking realistically and honestly about anger while parenting.
In those moments you can try to go slower 😉
Could you perhaps help me understand how to react correctly when I overwhelmed, staple situation, happens almost daily, I'm walking with another mum, our older kids (mine is 5 year old) are scooters, my newborn is in bassinet pram, my 5 year old speeds up and goes way ahead of us together with her friend, they speed on scooter, while we are moving on pavement, there are roads to cross, my older one is quite sensible in that she stops just about before a road but by then she has gone so fast on scooter, and went ahead of me, I can see her and can't run after her as iam pushing a pram but in meantime my mind is drawing up terrible images of accident, I feel anxious, worried, stressed, what do I do? How do I react? I asked my elder one not to speed but when she is with friends, they don't hear us moms
💜💜💜
How to mange our anger when the reason for trigger is a 17 month old? They can't understand completely what we say.
Were you by any chance spying on me today? I'm only 7 minutes into the video and it's like you know exactly how I reacted to my child's behaviour this morning and how I'm feeling right now.. A total failure
Sending all the hugs - I totally get it.
I do a 1 2 3 method I count before I tell my son. That he needs to stop acting out. Then if he gets too bad it's a time out. Being firm is important not always easy but it helps. Especially for an almost 2 year old. It's not saying anger is extremely wrong. It's how we react to what our child does.
I think that should be very harmful for the parent to always close inside and hide your anger.
Good video but 20 minutes .. too much talking
I love this thank you thank you thank you. en alaich. beemet.
Thank you ❤