My Spouse is Transgender - Should I Leave Them?
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- Опубліковано 21 бер 2020
- If I told you I'm divorcing my spouse because I'm heterosexual and not interested in the same sex - You might say I'm justified...
But if I told you my spouse was chronically ill and I can't have sex with them and I'm not interested in being a caregiver - I'm the scum of the earth, right?
Soooooo....What is the difference? There is none! Society puts double standards on what is acceptable and what isn't. I challenge you to think about it. Work from a place of love - not from a place of "What would Aunt Suzy think of my husband becoming a woman?" or other dumb stigmas that go through people's minds.
No one chooses to "become" Transgender any more than someone choosing to become sick. Finding out years into a marriage of an underlying condition that the other person may or may not know existed doesn't change love or wedding vows. What needs to change is perspective.
My wife says the exact same thing as you. I was surprised that she stayed. She's also fallen in love with the real me, the parts she could only see poking through before. She says I'm way better now. Thanks for your videos. I've been following along and started the medical transition 5 months ago tomorrow. You're looking great!
Thank you Lindsey. I wish you all the joy in the world with your transition.
Thank you for sharing. You and your spouse are the type of people who make life worth living.
Thank you for sharing. My wife of 34 years turned around and said to me that I needed to transition, that ultimately I would have to do this. That even though we knew there was something going on since 1993, that we couldn’t name and I hadn’t acted on until 2008. That I had fought every step of the way .. on and off low dose hormones, bilateral breast reduction etc that she ‘couldn’t live with a woman and that I had emotionally and chemically already transitioned.’. We have been separated for 17 months and will divorce.
As a major reason for not transitioning had been my marriage and my dysphoria and stress were red lining I proceeded with transition. Social transition was seen to be the only way ahead, the only path that I hadn’t tried. So I have transitioned. I have never been happier. We are still friends but we are no longer best friends. We are both sad. Would it have been different if our positions had been reversed? I really don’t know. Is this social pressure? Is it unacknowledged transphobia? It doesn’t really matter. Choices have been made and we both go on. The present moment is all we have. Live life well, do no harm and travel lightly. Life and love are so precious.
You chose your partners well. I wish you well. Thank you for sharing your story. A good story for life in the era of the Corona Virus. Safe travels. Ayla.
Thank you Ayla. I'm with you. Life's crap doesn't go away when you transition, but everything just feels easier and happiness isn't work any longer. I'm sorry your marriage didn't survive but glad you're finding a path forward from here that works. Wishing you all the love in the world - you deserve it! - K
There's some unacknowledged sexism and misogyny going on here.
You have been an inspiration to me. Thank you for posting s new video
Thank you Brittany ♥️
Very good video, and I agree with your views.
Best wishes and stay positive
Thank you SO much. My spouse came out to me as transgender and we are still learning to navigate through all that this entails. I never thought of leaving my spouse as she wants to transition MtF, but this just made me even more certain that I’m doing the right thing and staying and supporting and loving her. I love your videos, thank you so much for sharing.
Thank you Meagan. Our vids aren't fancy or polished, but Audrey and I just felt so lost for finding information or community when our family chose transitioning that I felt maybe if I shared our story maybe if it resonated and help even 1 person...it would be worth doing. Thank you ❤️. I honestly couldn't have transitioned without Audrey...and honestly, I was scared of losing friends, business, family...but through it, our marriage didn't just survive - it got better. I wish the same for you both 💓 Take care.
Amazing Vlog (as always). I can run out of superlatives if I go down that route,so, I'll just say that I always feel I can and do learn little nuggets of positivity whenever you post. You are both incredible people. God bless you, and thank you.
Thank you Raychel. Sorry I'm so late replying to your comment. My wife and I may not have much in life figured out, but as for our relationship - I think because we've always been so honest and met through the loss of my past wife (and Audrey's best friend) not much shakes our marriage. We actually became closer best friends after I transitioned. I wish that could be everyone's experience, but sadly, it's not.
OMG I needed to hear this video. I'm in a similar situation. And it's so difficult. 💗💓💕
You are amazing! thank you for sharing your story. My wife supports me and this is so nice to hear from others. We are so lucky to have each other.
I get what you are saying and looking at the time you grew up in I understand how you came to this conclusion. But I think that in this day and age it’s 100% justified to leave your partner if they come out as transgender.
Now a days gender is a common topic on social media and it’s not difficult for someone to at least come to the realization that they are confused about their gender.
Being transgender isn’t a choice and nobody should be shamed for it, but being with someone who is straight even tho you experience gender dysphoria is a choice. It’s a choice to not share this information with someone before you start dating them. If I had someone do that to me I would feel so betrayed.
Just like how being transgender isn’t a choice, your sexuality also isn’t a choice. I only experience attraction towards men, so if my partner transitioned, no matter how much I would want to keep being attracted to them, that part of the relationship would fall away.
And also would it be fair to someone to stay with them when you can’t feel romantic attraction for them? Like you’ll still love them, but isn’t it better for both parties when you split up and find someone that can be in love with you fully?
Btw I would never leave someone if they became disabled during the relationship and being disabled wouldn’t necessarily scare me away if they tell me at the start. However, I would leave if they hid the fact that they are disabled from me and didn’t tell me in the first stage of our relationship. You can’t built a relationship on lies...
Thank you for sharing your views.
It's quite unfair to call this "hiding a fact" in most cases, especially for those transitioning later in life like in such cases. "Hiding" generally implies some conscious decision being involved. These people generally had this dysphoria for as long as they remember, and yet suppressed it under years of conditioning and bullying to conform to imposed standards even before they met their life partner. In short these people didn't really KNOW at a conscious level in some cases they were "disabled" (just borrowing the word for context) when entering their relationships. And it's only after years of dealing with this disrupting their psyche from the back of their minds, leading them to bouts of depression and many times through counseling that they come to a full realization of who they are and even WHAT they have been dealing with for so long.
Love and courage. A great combination!
This is so avesome
I L❤VE you both, and hope/pray for her health, and your family. Ps. I am watching these in an ablolute mess with no regarde to order(sorry) 4:54 am and a couple bottles later. Just came out as trans after 30ish years to my common law of 10 yrs....😢
Hey Robert. I feel for you and your wife. Transitioning is messy. It's hard. It is uncomfortable for both spouses...and so worthwhile. As much as I just wanted to begin living my life when I began transitioning, like you, I found very little helpful information out there. Support groups were useless because of age differences, and honestly, anyone talking about marriage and coming out as transgender later in life was typically talking about their divorce.
I mustered up enough courage to be vulnerable to share our story. It's our story, because when you are married, it's not you transitioning, it's us. Audrey is essentially viewed as a lesbian now and being seen together as a couple in public holding hands greatly affects how she is perceived.
For us, transitioning as a couple was the best thing that ever happened to our relationship. I became a much more caring, endearing, and compassionate partner for my wife and she got a best friend, confidant, someone safe to be with intimately, and a much happier spouse that is full of peace.
I won't lie, the two years it took to transition is messy, straining on relationships. Audrey and I talked openly and made a pact that we were willing to walk away from business, our home, our community, our friends, and our family if need be to make it happen. That's a HUGE decision, but she could also see my pain and knew that once I figured out I was trans - I'd never be happy staying in the old body. As it turned out - our business survived, we are flourishing in our small-town community, but some of our good friends turned out to be not so good and we have lost a lot of family. In the end, we are much happier as a couple and as a family and have zero regrets. Everyone has their own decisions to make. Choose what will be the best for you. Wishing you well.
@@changinggender5293 Thank you so much for the honesty and encouragement. I truly wish you both the best, I would give you both a big hug if i could just for the hope and love you share❤
Love you! First and foremost reality to hold onto. ❤ Hoping my childhood friend, soulmate, and wife grow in acceptance of me in my transition. She feels betrayed, tho continuing to tell me she loves me, without closeness. So naturally I feel unwanted; especially when she barely acknowledges any new input I offer on my progress. We are at a point that I must ask if she's going to support me in my transition... There really is no "or", only a sick gut wrenching that rips at my spirit.
I'm proud and sad for you Deanna. Coming to terms with ourselves is so difficult. We've spent so many years wearing someone else's mask...but with your spouse, I wish you both peace and understanding.
Something I learned is that a lot of people in my life actually felt lied to - like they never saw any signs. Yet I was so afraid to ever allow anyone to see anything other than what they expected.
I was lucky enough that Audrey was the first and only person I started showing myself to. She was the only person I ever told that I felt like I was either a woman in a past life or I'm coming back as one. As a result, figuring out a name for it was actually a relief. There were years of prep leading up to it. We talk a lot quite openly, but councilling actually helped deal with some of the unknowns. I'd recommend it for all couples. My heart goes out to you both ❤️
@@changinggender5293 6 months now since I responded to this amazing video. I am living alone in a house with a roommate that I married 17 years ago. There are days of pretence, but by far just a tense 'relationship' of tolerance. Then there are the outbreaks of "I married a man!" and of course the all too familiar "this takes time" which is cis speak for nothing will ever change in my mind. I have a cpl trans friends who are close in relationship. In fact my wife makes fun at our expense over how we talk. I offer to bring her in on these conversations, but she assures me that's not who SHE is. I have crossed a line in my transition where I am more feminine in behavior, and likes/dislikes than my tomboy of a wife could ever be. Sure, I find it curious, yet I never set out to be "ultra feminine", and I'm not. To be sure, my wife has taken on the mannerisms, and behaviors of being male. I no longer see any light at an end of a tunnel, just a dark cave. My transition continues, yet I spent 90% of my days alone. My family no longer speaks to me, and my grandchildren are kept from me. Before transitioning I was used to having my grandchildren several times a week, but now I haven't heard their voices since September of last year. I feel in my heart that a time of survival on my own is approaching. I am literally an emotional yo yo rebounding from torrents of hate, and then pointless pecks on my cheek telling me I love you, as she walks out the door. All while communicating to anyone who will listen that she's a victim of 'my narcissistic behavior. I have seriously contemplated the ultimate solution to my pain, but then I would never get to finish experiencing the daily life of the married woman...💁♀️
@@deannacocker9572Just from this comment I can see why your wife is enraged with you. You want to live the male fantasy of what a woman is. You sex stereotype and dehumanize women. We're just a 'role' to you. And then you wonder why it's over. Playing the victim and expecting people to go along with your every whim, want and desire regardless of how it effects them *is* a narccicistic trait.
May God bless you girl!
Beautiful story. My wife is wheelchair bound as well. I would never consider leaving her for any reason. She too has encouraged me to transition (at 56 years old, last year) and our life is beautiful together. She's even mentioned she'd like to get remarried again, this time to Kristy - in matching wedding dresses! Hopefully this virus BS will be over by summer so we can make that happen. Keep up the inspiring content.
Thank you Kristy. Your's is a beautiful story as well. We too are planning a second wedding - both in white gowns. 🤗 When I transitioned we double checked after I changed all my ID that we were actually still legally married lol. Turns out they actually attach an amendment letter to the original filing.
This story made me want to get drunk
Great story! That is exactly the way it should happen! Whether illness, disability, gender change, or any other major change. I especially appreciate how you were willing to wait, but your partner and kids said no. But I still struggle with these dilemmas. As a progressive pastor and sometimes marriage counselor, it is a real and practical problem when someone comes and says their spouse wants to change and will not consider the happiness of the other people in the family. My feeling is it should be a family decision and a unilateral decision is selfish.
But I appreciate your comparison and will add it to my considerations.
I would offer one thing to this though, while one should keep the family informed in such cases as this, it really is not a good idea to hinge the transition decision on the other members of the family as this is a throwing off of accountability. It is ultimately the decision of the transgendered individual. One really should not be shoving this decision off to their spouse/children. This would be akin to shuffling a decision to undergo chemo to ones family. It's certainly okay to ask for input, sure...... but ultimately the decision NEEDS TO BE unilateral.
This should not ever happen because it's the literal sex stereotyping, fetishization and dehumanization of girls and women. Immediate grounds for divorce.
Kelly, you get it! God bleess you both, my wife of twenty fives years, just up and left!
I'm so sorry to hear that Donna. My heart breaks. I've met so many people that ended in divorce. Audrey and I have had so many other types of struggles in life that honestly, transitioning was easier to handle than them. I wish more couples made it, but unfortunately, that's not most people's experience 😥
@@changinggender5293 You are part of the 1% that stay together, you are blessed by God!
Your wife had every right to up and leave. I applaud her.
A sign of unconditional love 💕
Tonya Antony those are different
I had a rough night. Since my husband told me he wants to transition a week ago, I've had fears he will throw me out like trash as everyone in my life has done once she comes into the picture. That took me on a recall of 40 years of pain. With the current situation, my past fed my fears. I became so overwhelmed, really unsure if I could do this. I went to youtube tonight after he went to bed and found this informative video. It really helped chase some of my fears away. I do not want my fears to chase away the future with the person I married. I've accepted all of this. I married a person, not a gender. But I can't lie, it scares the hell out of me. I need to find a way to be strong for both of us. He needs me now more than ever.
My wife of 16 years left me when I transitioned 5 years ago, she knew I was intersex & not transgender but didn't want to be in a relationship with another woman, it totally broke me & now she doesn't even talk to me, I lost my soul mate my family & friends, the stress has caused me to suffer from fibromyalgia
I sometimes wish that I had never transitioned, I would of rather of lives unhappy with my body but still have her in my life but if course it's too late so I have to live alone with my choice
Damn got discord?
Shame on you for feeling like this doesn’t have consequences for the spouse who didn’t ask for this. When YOU knew before hand but still drug a not gay wife through this. I am going through this and this is not ok to do to another human. This is NOT the same as someone who has cancer or being paralyzed. You chose to take another human through your issues knowing you had issues and not being honest. The damage you inflict is intentional and not ok. Shame on you.
She didn't know beforehand. This is the same as simply coming to terms with some undiagnosed illness. They didn't "chose to take another human through this" they were with another human when they went through this.
I totally get your situation as it took my husband 24 years together to tell me he is trans. He knew he had all these feelings years ago at age 14 and chose not to tell me and let us get married and have 2 children together and blew my world apart 3 years ago after I thought he was having an affair so confronted him. I gave him the choice to go live his life as a her but he wouldn't do it so we're still here, same situation, he's still walking about as a he but shaves and watching trans videos in secret (which I know about but he hasn't told me) so he is living a real lie and not addressing it. I tried to get him help from GP and support groups and counselling and he hasn't took up anything so don't know where we are going in life. I just wouldnt be sexually attracted to him as a she, and that is my choice, and he knows it. I wish I could do this but I'm struggling as a hetero wife. He should have done hr decent thing and told me 27 years ago to give me the choice to stay or go ... It's so important the trans community are honest from day dot as this affects so many people once you start getting involved and having a family.
@@tekcomputersOh bullshit. Her husband has a sex fetish, not an illness.
u look grt8, married forever, dad of mtf. i support u.so sorry for ur losses and medical things. gender, biology, and orientation are related, but not dependent. dr. bill
I know this is old and I hope my comment is heard because I need advice so much. I'm 30, wife helped me realize I was transgender, was happy for a while but now she has a lot of resentment towards me and says word for word what you were saying at the end of this video. And I've kicked and screamed and fought so hard to save and hold onto our marriage. We've been through so much together and have been there for each other in the worst of situations. We have children together and she says I didn't sign up for this. I'm straight. I'm not into women. I wish I could change it but I can't. Maybe we'll just be sisters. I'm beyond heartbroken. I'm still me. And I've only been on HRT for 7 months and not much has changed physically and she says she's still attracted to me now but knows she won't be a year from now. I've cried till I puked and can't eat or sleep and she's been gaming with coworkers drinking beers and laughing all night. This has been going on for a month and I'm just so emotionally tortured right now I don't know what to do. I also have an auto-immune disease that is daily agonizing pain and had to stop working because of it 3 years ago. She says she doesn't resent me for that one but I just don't know what to do. I'd like to show her this video but I feel like she would just say she's being ganged up on to change something that is out of her control and made to be the bad guy for her sexual orientation. Also my realization was very similar to yours. When we were looking through old pictures she sat there saying on every single one "how did I not know" "look at this, men don't pose like this or act like that" she proposed to me and begged me to marry her. I just don't understand and am in mental and emotional hell. Any advice?
Thank you. It is BS to leave someone you love.
It is BS to dehumanize someone you love just to indulge your wants, desires and fetishes
I took a long time to type out a comment with a really painful, but fair account of my story in the hopes that it might help people...
...TRULY hope you’re not selectively removing comments...!?!
Hi Jessica, I believe everyone has a right to share so I only remove comments if they are outright transphobic or hateful. I've never yet received any on this channel that have had to be moderated. Sorry, but this comment is the only one I see from you. If you did have another comment - it never posted :(
I just double checked and there are no comments in spam or held for review either.
🤡