Partners of Trans! Will Your Relationship Survive Gender Transition.
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- Опубліковано 27 тра 2020
- If you are partners of trans or someone who is in a relationship, this video is for you. Are you transitioning with a marriage or a relationship and asking yourself if it will make it?
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🙋♀️Hello! I am a clinical psychologist or gender therapist, specializing in transgender field and I work with adults only. I provide online therapy for California, New York, Texas and Florida residents. My pronouns are she/her and you can visit my website for more info at www.drzphd.com.
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😀DISCLAIMER: Note as a clinical psychologist I created this channel to share information. Therefore I won't be providing or offering therapeutic advice. I am also not a medical doctor. When I speak on medical issues such as hormones or surgical procedures, the goal is to share information, and not to provide medical advice and you should always consult with your medical doctor. Additionally, this channel is for those seeking information, understanding, and to gain awareness.
My partner and I have been together 20 years now. I came out to her first, in Jan 2014. My transition has played a major part in our relationship dynamics changing. Now today, we are still together, but more like sisters than spouses. We live together, still work as a unit, but there is little to no sexual connection left. Now we each have a boyfriend, and are learning how to adjust to this next chapter in our transformation together. It has been very difficult for us both at times; but we are very unhappy if not together. And yes, we did spend a month apart in 2017. We we miserable seperated. So ja. We found a way that seems to be working so far.. Bumpy road, but it is worth it to us..
Thank you for sharing and that's so great to hear! Glad you two were open minded and flexible to find a way that works for you.
I just started transitioning and my cis female partner has been trying to adjust, she is bisexual like me and I'm MTF so we do have that going for us. We love each other but I'm just trying to keep my transition at a manageable but steady pace so I give time for myself to think and time for her to adjust. It was weird for her when I first came out but now we're doing better.
Thats very mindful of you to also think of her. Often we forget that our partners need adjustment as well. I wish you both all the best.
When I came out to my wife, she was much more understanding, accepting, and forgiving than I had anticipated. It threw me for a loop. I was expecting anger and resentment. Instead, she was gentle and understanding. I don’t know where we go from here, as I am attracted to guys, but I definitely still want her in my life. BTW, we have been married for 16 years.
Thank you for sharing and I am so happy to hear you have her support. I am sure it will work out well for both of you.
Why did you get with her if you were attracted to men? Did you not realize that?
@@jennahyser7245 No. I honestly did not. It was subconscious at the time I married her, likely due to the abuse I received as a child, that demanded I take the role of the male (cisgender and heterosexual, of course). That was in the 70s. As time went on, this unconscious desire slowed emerged, and finally became prevalent. I still am amazed at the switch, but I’ve learned from my therapist and other trans folks that it’s not unheard of.
I totally understand your questioning of the situation though.
@@livenca gotcha! Yeah no I’ve heard it’s pretty common, it’s just interesting. I hope you two are both happy and friends!
For my partner and I i had come out to her 3 days after we started talking online (she was the first person i came out to.) She has seen me as a woman and treated me that way since the start of our relationship she helped build up the confidence for me to come out publicly 6 months later (did it over Facebook would not recommend it) after 2 years of being together i started my medical transition she was with me for my first appointment and somehow she deals with the crazy ride that has been my mood. Watching this video has made me realize how lucky i am to have such a supportive partner, thanks Dr. Z you will always be my favourite gender therapist.
Kate thank you for sharing and I am so happy for you! It is so beautiful when partners are able to support each other.
This was very encouragin to hear, thank you for posting this. I got married to my partner 4 months ago (we have been together for 6 and a half years) and they recently came out to me as transgender. Thankfully, I realized my own bisexual identity within this past year. Regardless, this has still been a stressful time for the both of us, but we love each other and want to stay together.
Thats so wonderful to hear and congrats on tying the knot. Yes it is often about what your emotional bank is at this point and whether you can shift sexual paradigms. Sounds like you both can and I wish you all the best!
Hi Dr. Z. My wife and I have been together for 13 years before I came out to her. We had our ups and downs, but overall we were both very happy. When I came out to her, that fact did not change. I am almost one year into my transition now and we are still having a very happy and strong and healthy relationship.
Thats so great to hear and I wish you both well.
The emotional bank is a fascinating concept to me. Thanks to you, I see my transition as "borrowing" from this bank, where the constant creation of emotional bound determines how fast I can transition.
Putting your videos together I have seen my partner going through an equivalent of the different kinds of dysphoria (mostly social and physical). This is the most challenging part I guess because as trans it becomes increasingly simple to find advices online while my partner is left in the dark and with little knowledge and relief as to how to grow up with a transitioning partner.
i came out to my now-fiancée pretty early on in our relationship. we’ve only been together for 5 months, but we quickly developed a very deep emotional and spiritual bond. she was the first person to accept me as my true self, and she’s been my go-to person for support when i’m feeling dysphoric. although it took us both some time to break the stigmas, she’s my number one supporter and i love her to death. helps that she’s bisexual too lol:)
Thank you for sharing and I wish you all the best.
Thank you for another great video Dr Z! ❤ I found this one to be so encouraging and filled with hope. We've been married for over twenty years and so so soooo happily. We've never had strict gender roles in our marriage, and I've always felt like I could be the closest to myself when I'm with her. When I came out about two months ago she was supportive and loving and perfect. Really the biggest issue as far as our relationship goes is that there are so many bitter stories on the internet about relationships failing during transition. It's like, we feel solid, we are in love neither of us is even thinking about being with anyone else, or our marriage failing - but then we read yet another story on the internet saying out marriage is doomed and that my my transition is going to destroy the marriage and blah blah blah... It's refreshing, and encouraging, to hear you start with the premise that a relationship can survive. And that as an added bonus we've got both of the ingredients you listed as most important!
Yes! It absolutely does survive and I see this often. Especially if there are emotional traction in place. Don't let negative affect you. Focus on the two of you.
Dr. Z, my wife wants to support me. But she just isn't attracted to feminine. And she has reached her breaking point. She can't see herself being happy in our relationship if I transition, despite trying to be okay with it. And she doesn't want to be with me knowing that I'm suffering from not transitioning. And it would be one thing if it was just us. But our 5 year old won't understand why momma and papa aren't together. And I look at choices in front of me, and I only see one way out, but it's a pretty definitive road to take. I don't know what to do, and I am terrified. I feel like everything is falling apart around me.
Thank you doctor Z, you have given me a new paradigm to follow and explore.
Glad it was helpful.
Thank you Dr. Z! I'm going through this at the moment and it's brilliant info.
Glad it was helpful!
Hey Dr Z ,it's me "hormonal metamorphosis " I don't know if you remember me, but this is a great video topic! I started my transition @ 6 months ago (I'm going by Michelle now, not Michael) . My wife has been my rock, and has endured a lot of abuse from her mother and sister. She is currently in therapy and doing great. We've been together for over 17 years. I've repeatedly told her that if she didn't want to stay with me I would totally understand, but everytime I have said that, she replies ;" Nope you're stuck with me kid". It means soooooo much to have her on my side! Don't know what I would do without her ❣ But good communication, and therapy coupled with love and mutual respect help tremendously!! Stay healthy and safe b4n🙂🙂
Hi and of course I remember you! So nice to see you here and thank you for commenting. I am so happy for you!
I have been married for a bit over 2 years and my wife and I have been together since November 2016.
We both came from previous marriages and both had children already and now have a beautiful 2 year old of our own.
I came out to her after several conversations about how I really don't identify as a man and would probably be more than happy living as a woman. It took quite a bit of digging from her before I tried on her clothes, removed my body hair and tried it out.
I knew instantly and could look back over my life at all the things that could have told me earlier.
That was in April this year.
She identifies as pansexual so the gender transition is not the issue for us. She is grieving the loss of her husband and is trying to fall as much in love with her new wife as she was before.
We are trying really hard to make it work and I am hopeful.
I believe we have the 2 characteristics of the couples that stay together from this video.
Thank you for sharing and I am so glad the two of you are exploring your relationship. Sometimes we need to start dating and getting to know each other to let the sparks fly :)
I came out to my fiance (bi) about a week ago, and his reaction was much the same. We met in 2018, and have been together for a little over 2 years. He's expressed his feelings to me, and it hates many of the same notes. He's grieving his boyfriend, and trying to fall as much in love with his new girlfriend. We've had many long and emotional talks about it, and I think things are trending up. We're still in a bit of an awkward spot with everything, and I expect it'll be that way for a while, but your story gives me hope. Thank you.
Thank you for this video.❤
You are so welcome!
Thank you once again for your channel Dr Z!
My partner asked me to leave in 2015 after a 14 year marriage and all what you have said makes perfect sense now why that happened.
I love your channel Dr Z!! Keep them coming!!
So sorry to hear about that and glad you enjoy my channel!
I have always felt I have sabotaged all my relationships because I was always fighting within myself and not sharing my feelings .
Ohh so sorry to hear that.
Thanks for your insight here. I’ve been struggling with my partner accepting my transition but I am confident in us as we have a deep and rich emotional bank (as well as strong communication between the two of us). I’m mainly fearful of her rigidity with her sexuality. She said she’s trying to have an open mind and trying to shift her perspective but that it will take time. Im trying to be patient but it is difficult when someone whom you share such a deep history with suddenly starts looking at you different.
Thanks for sharing. Glad to hear the two of you have strong emotions traction. Regarding sexuality; I see it shift in majority of committed partners, say 80-85% which is huge! Often it is a matter of learning new intimacy roadmap.
This has given me solace in such an uncertain time. Me and my bf have been together almost 3 years now and I just recently, after having a vivid episode of disphoria, came to the realization I want to transition. This has led to alot of confusion, crying and uncertainty. But we've always done our best to work through our problems and are very close. And I can tell (and he's also told me) he doesn't want to think about leaving. But he isn't sure about his sexuality. What breaks my heart the most is I can tell he's fighting himself internally too. I have no answers, no hope to cling to or sign, and I've been desperately trying to get myself to calm down, so I'm so happy I stumbled upon this to ease my mind, if just a tiny bit
Hi. I have really helpful 7 part partners of trans series if that may help. I strongly believe its all about emotional bank that the two of you have prior to coming out and of course sexuality as well. Sometimes, even if its painful, ppl have to part and we have to honor and respect it and see it as an opportunity too.
Thank you for taking the time to share your value work.
After i came out as transgender and started my medial transition, my 13 year marriage broke down. A few years later, we are now living together again as a family and have become good friends. She has on said a few times "good night and i love you". I think what makes it work is we choice to be living with each other again. Not sure what will happen going forward. 🙂
Thank you for sharing and sounds like she may have needed time to adjust. It can be very difficult on the spouse as well and I am glad the two of you are re-connecting. I wish you both all the best.
Dr. Z, thanks for the video. I really think your two main points are spot on, and I love that you actually put the quality of time first. Normally, things are presented as sexuality first and quality second. But this framing fails to explain how so many young "straight" women end up staying with their now wives or vice versa.
I'm not sure if I am the target of this video. I'm still trying to figure out if I'm trans-masculine or a transman. For now, I've been using the former, perhaps because it is an easier thing to accept or imagine. I feel like though based on my goals of top surgery and hormones on top of a tall and already slightly masculine body, I'll end up presenting very masculine. But I keep thinking back to what you said about accrued experience. I've been trying to figure this whole thing out for 9 months now, and I've constantly come back to my husband and asked him for confirmation that my own perception of my experiences are correct. I've always been gender-nonconforming so perhaps it's not too hard for him to imagine such a change. And he says I've been much happier as of late. Hearing your words, it's clear I've banked a lot of my world in this one person.
We've been talking since we met in college (turns out being asexual requires a lot of communication skills for a healthy relationship) and we will keep talking. Next time we are in the mood for a bit of self-reflection, I think I'll bring this up to him. I'd like to know what he thinks about your two points, and how he feels about our bank.
Cheers,
-Remi
Remi thank you for sharing and you bring up excellent point of the importance of communication. I honestly believe people are able to shift their blocks and be more open when we communicate with them. The challenge is that many confuse "talking" for communicating. Best to you.
My 45 year marriage ended after I realized and stated that I am transgender female. I think that Dr. Z's comments on these "2 Factors" are the so relevant to helping me understand why my marriage failed. This was my situation, that is, insufficient capital in my marriage relationship bank, followed by inflexibility for acceptance of gender change. Thank you Dr. Z.
Yes I think it can be easy to blame GD and not pay attention to deterioration of marriage prior.
Dear Dr. Z.
I agree with several of these comments however; I also think that when it comes to relationships, as adults, we have gone thru purging, denial etc. and we have come to terms that whatever make us won't go away. If we commit to a serious relationship particularly, when transition to another binary is a possibility, we need to be honest before committing to a marriage or a long term partnership.
From my perspective, my issues have come from disclosing after I transitioned (I am not even sure if it is the same subject). From all relationships I have ever been into, as fast as I disclose I used to be male has created a lot of tension, even if my partner has told me he can handle it, it has never been the case, and has ended in a breakup.
I can't judge anyone for not wanting to be alone, but I think we must consider the other person, and the harm we could cause to both of us just for not having being honest from the start.
Best wishes
R.
Thanks for sharing. I agree and always support honesty. I also think another person always has a choice and that is OK.
I came out to my partner (soon to be ex), of 19 years, about two and half years ago. I knew that our relationship would not survive. Even though we had a long marriage, neither of us were positively invested in the relationship, and I know we both felt the same way. I thought it was selfish at the time, but I had to come out no matter the circumstances. I understand now that I was practicing self-love! Fast forward to March of this year, I meet another trans woman online and we have hit off wonderfully. Now we just need to wait for this stay home order to lift so we can physically be with each other. In conclusion, coming out to my ex was the best thing for me (hopefully, my ex will find happiness soon) and I am so happy!
Wendy thats so wonderful! Call me optimist but I truly believe when we find ourselves, we find others! So happy for you! You deserve it.
Do I need a referral from my primary doctor to make an appointment with you? Thank you so much for your tutorials, you are being very helpful.
Hi and no. However, I can only provide therapy to CA and FL residents due to licensure rules.
My boyfriend recently started t. We‘ve always been amazing at resolving conflict, communication and such. recently something has been kind of off, our dynamics changing in some ways i can‘t really name. i feel kind of alone in household stuff and they feel like we don‘t connect or feel like i never want to connect. we are both nonbinary, while i do present more feminine. i used to really feel like i can rely on him but lately it‘s been a bit bumpy. also when we argue there is so little patience and undersanding from either side while anger jumps in really quick. not sure how to navigate this.
We have been together for a few years, but this has been the healthiest and happiest relationship I've ever had. I love her (preferred pronoun) so so much, and I realized my fear over losing her was also a sign of how happy I am to be with her. She has assured me we will work through things, and I am trying to be patient and loving and understanding through this change. I am pan so I know my attraction will change very little, but I'm afraid their attraction to me will fade. I also recently realized though that lingering on that fear doesn't help us in the short term, even if I'm afraid of it for the long term. She is so wonderful, I think I'm so afraid of loss because of how happy she makes me, and how much I love her.
Thanks for sharing and I hope the two of you workout whatever may come your way.
Hi Dr. I love the work you are doing here. I am MTF living in LA. I would love to bring my wife for a session with you and I hope you will be able to explain her the importance of me transition to a female. I am 48 years old and living with this pain for along time. 🙏
Would love to help.
This message I find very encouraging. This is the second marriage for both myself and my wife. We have been together for 14 years. I hid my dysphoria from my first wife, I actually thought getting married the first time would "cure" me of my dysphoria (at the time I did not even have a word for dysphoria or understand it). In this marriage, I was open about having gender conflicts we even exchanged some of our wardrobe items before we got married so it wasn't hidden. I did not fully decide to transition until many years into this 2nd marriage, but we have built a VERY positive balance in our emotional bank. I have heard and read horror stories about how transitioning destroys some marriages, and I have been fearful this might happen to us. Hearing that we have many of the positive attributes of other couples that successfully survived transiton helps ease my fear.
I see ppl with healthy emotional banks stay together again and again. Wishing that for both of you.
To break it down. 1. Willingness 2. Love ❤️
Yup, that's true.
i came out to my boyfriend once before and then we went through a breakup that i thought was caused by my coming out. i then took back my statement that i was trans ftm and we got back together. since being with him again, i subconsciously started doing feminine things for him (ie wearing certain clothes). ive been thinking about if im trans again bc of how it made me feel when i first came out and was socially transitioning. im still with the same guy and im afraid he's going to leave me again bc of me being trans. how do i navigate this?
Hi and thanks for sharing. What you share is so common to many; being afraid your partner will leave because of your identity. In my view, if you are sure you are trans, hiding this from your partner is not fair as they presume they are in relationship with a gender they perceive you to be. I know this is incredibly hard and can come with a loss, but if the situation was reversed, I'd hope you would want your partner to be honest with you.
Dr. Z, I am very reluctant to transition from male to female. My biggest fear is that my family and friends will end up hating me and will make fun of me. My wife was against me dressing as a woman, so I kept it to myself for 35 years. A while ago, she passed away due to a long illness. When that happened, my dysphoria caught up to me in a big way and now here I am spending about half my time as a woman and the other as a man. I am OK living like this as I feel I have the best of both worlds but would love to freely go out of the house as a woman whenever I wanted to without ridicule or being shunned by my friends. I do go out as a woman frequently but am full of angst when I do so.
Thank you for sharing and I am so sorry for your loss.
@Sacha Barbie His wife passed from illness - having an ounce of empathy would count that as loss! Do you read these messages or just react?
Lets just say our relationship was forced to evolve. No longer partners but hopefully we can remain friends.
Sorry to hear that.
When coming out for me it’s very likely my whole family won’t accept me and constantly bash me for identifying as a man and my relationship with my boyfriend will end as he’s not attracted to men at all... I am in the process of choosing wether to socially transition and live life as male even though I’d lose my family or deal with dysphoria. My dysphoria is not horribly bad but it has gotten bad enough to where it developed an ed in me and makes me spend about 1-2 hours a day disliking my body somewhat. Though it’s like an annoying ache I’d like it to be treated but the payment to do that with transition is to high.
I am so sorry to hear. I wish you well.
Hi! I'm trans and I've been crossdressing all my life. My parents were not happy about it so I developed a negative feeling about it that lead me to believe expressing feminine traits was bad. 33 yo here I've been avoiding my trans truth. I'm married with a 2 yo boy and my partner accepts me as a crossdresser but she always says that she is not attracted to me as a women, even though she is bi... she accepts my crossdressing fully but again her words hurt me deeply. Not sure if i should come out as trans to her :/
Thank you for sharing and I wish you all the best.
Hi Dr Z,
I am MtF transgender woman, possibly gender fluid, age 60, recently retired, and came out as transgender to my spouse on our third date before we were engaged over 20 years ago. 5 years ago we came out to our adult children and they initially accepted me well. Since then maybe not as much. About that same time I told my wife it was my desire to live full time female in retirement. Her position then hasn't changed over time:
1- She doesn't want to be married to a woman.
2- She doesn't want to lose friends.
3- She doesn't want to feel like she needs to defend me in public.
4-She doesn't want me out in our town, a relatively rural city, that she was born in and I have lived in for all my adult life.
She's been okay with me dressing at home and on trips well out of town but doesn't want me out locally in public.Our relationship has been positive and we love each very much. I started HRT 18 months ago and my body is starting to show changes I may no longer be able to hide with binders, nor do I want to. I've been presenting more androgynously since I retired about a year ago. This has been a source of tension in our relationship and I've 'maled up' my look when we leave home together. We recently agreed we would still continue to love each other if we do separate or get divorced. We hardly talk about the issues and usually only with my prompting. It's pretty clear she is avoiding the topic and doesn't want to know 'answers'. I feel I'm at a crossroads in our relationship and my transition. I feel I can't continue in this 'living part time' situation. I truly feel I am not living as my true self and with what 'little' time I may have left. Any advice you have would be much appreciated.
Thank You for All You Do!
Hugs! Christie
I forgot to add, part of what has kept me going in this relationship is that hopefully she eventually sees her concerns as based on fear (which is my view) and hopefully we both find her fears are largely unfounded. Concerning the issue of being married to a woman, one of my trans sisters may have said it best: ‘she needs to realize she’s already married to a transgender woman.’
Hugs!! Christie
Hi and thanks for sharing. I read above as well as below added words. Here is what I think and of course you dont need to take it at value: I believe when we wait for a spouse to be OK with who we are, we are placing our lives into their hands and handing over our own responsibility. In doing so, you spouse will just do what fees most safe/comfortable for them, which is maintaining status quo. It is hard, but I believe you need to start living your life and by doing so, show your spouse who you are and give them a chance to change their internal paradigms.
@@DRZPHD Hi Dr Z,
I appreciate you getting back to me.
Yes, I saw your other related video that makes those same points and now understand that aspect of the relationship and decision making on both our parts. For me, it's hard but I think it is also time.
Thank You,
Hugs! Christie
I get educating people and hoping they will be flexible but if they’re straight or gay sometimes that’s just it and you can’t change your sexuality.
Thanks for sharing.
DR Z, I have been married 40 years and have been in the closet the whole time I haft to come out or I will die. I have so much trouble telling my wife I can't bring myself to get the words out, I am so ashamed of what I am. I have an appointment with a therapist in three weeks I hope she can help. The main thing I fear in this whole thing is telling my wife.
Thanks for sharing and I am sorry to hear.
@@DRZPHD I told my wife yesterday and she is still talking to me. It was the hardest thing I have done and I am so glad it is behind me and now maybe I can move forward?
Thank you for this video. It doesn't make me hopeful because my relationship fails both criteria.
I have known my wife for over 20 years and we have been together for over 10. We now have a 2-year old. The relationship deteriorated quickly since the baby was born. Before then I would have said we had a big positive bank, despite me having anger issues. We really saw eye-to-eye on most things and almost seemed to be able to read each other's minds. But since the baby was born the bank had become negative. We had lost patience with one another.
I dropped my own trans denial six months ago. I worked to get to a better place with my wife but when I came out her reaction was to say I had polluted all her good memories of us, so it just made the relationship bank more negative.
Then there's the issue of sexuality. She's emphatically not a lesbian. She immediately said she couldn't be intimate with someone she knows to be a woman inside. My physique is irrelevant. I haven't even started hormonal transition, but intimacy was pretty much lost. Things have improved a bit since, but essentially I score badly on both of your criteria.
What makes matters so much harder is that we have a child that we both wanted and we both love.
Thank you for sharing and I am so sorry. Sometimes things dont work out and even if its hard to see, it gives an opportunity for a new relationship to come in.
To be fair, my wife at one point suggested she could imagine us continuing to live as two female flatmates, possibly having other relationships. She still sees us as best friends. But matters are complicated by having a small child to raise together. I am not sure how to handle that and I would appreciate it if you could address the issue of transition while raising a small child in a future video.
@Sacha Barbie ,you are TOXIC!!!!WHAT IF SOMEONE SAID THAT TOO SOMEONE YOU LOVED. EFF OFF YOU EFFIN TROLL!!
@Sacha Barbie I didn't and don't have a kid , you need to PAY ATTENTION!!
@Sacha Barbie Michelle is not the original poster. Hello?!?
🙏thank you.
We haven’t had sex in a few years, we’ve never spoken about it but I think she knows. I’m still afraid to come out and tell her. Maybe she’s just waiting for me to tell her before she moves on. I don’t know what she’ll decide if I do tell her. I don’t know what I will do without her, if I can survive on my own as a crossdresser who dreams of transitioning full time.
Thanks for sharing and I always encourage honesty in a relationship.
Yes, I am terrified about the prospect of coming out to my wife. I have considered myself to be non-binary for a long time, and have delayed further transition for a very long time too, but now have a doctor who is supportive of my transitioning and I've decided to be who I am. Some friends know - a few - and my son knows, but my wife thinks that there are only two sexes, and the one you are born with is what you are. So, I'm not sure how this is going to end up, or at least I fear for the worse. My wife and I have been together for 20 years, and she is always in charge - and right.
Thank you for sharing and I wish you all the best.
I’ve been married for 33 years but I come out to my EX wife after 16 years she except my to wear woman underwear and some time to use the woman pads but she couldn’t except me to change she and her family they are so religious people so do mine and transition wasn’t the way for me to go. End up she start treating me and we fight a lot so we go divorced and I’m afraid to come up to family and friends what should I do? Appreciate
Thank you for sharing. Please reach out to a professional in your area to explore what you should do.
First trigger warning. I’m open to a sexuality change, like if I could choose I would be pan but unfortunately that’s just never happened for me so I think my sexual orientation is just rigid. I’ve tried but it just doesn’t happen for me. 🤷🏽So far I’m only attracted to women. My wife is the same. Rigid orientation and only attracted to women, however after another one of your videos and this video, I opened up a dialog about what would happen if unexpected or unwanted changes happen during my low-dose T transition. She says she would work around it like we would have to work around aging and unexpected changes happen. She said sometimes you lose an aspect of your partner through the aging process and when that happens you have to find a way to work around it. Sometime people get into an accident and the body changes or the function of a body part changes or is even lost and people move around those changes. She believes she would just figure out how to work with unwanted changes as they happen and because I am non-binary, there is a high chance or at least a risk of unwanted changes happening not just for her, but also for me. I really like the way she has wrapped her mind around it though. Not that I equate to the loss of staying the same way in an accident to growing into a gender, but that unexpected things can just happen to anyone at any time that impact sexual function or health in a relationship and when you love someone, you work around it. She also expressed that no change could happen that would put her into a position where she feels she would need to consider leaving. Or that she would not be willing to work around. There are some changes I would like that I just can’t have medically. I’m diabetic and have a history of heart attack, so even low-dose T is a risk and top surgery or any form of major surgery is out. It’s already not a perfect situation and I suspect it rarely is. Bottom growth isn’t ideal for either of us. I’m fine with it, she’s not chased off by it. I just don’t (thankfully) suffer bottom dysphoria, but I’m fine either way. The dysphoria is more the top half, but if I’m ever healthy enough for surgery, I’d be happy with a reduction down to an A cup (right now I’m DDD, which means I can’t even tape or bind really). We have a bridge we can build here. This has sort of fixed things for me or rather made things feel more stable and safe I think for both of us. Perspective really is everything. Thank you so much.
You and your partner are a testament to how important communication is. Often it is less about changing our sexual preference and more about gaining understanding.
DR Z PHD Exactly. Thank you so much.
is ittrue that they need girlfriends outside the nartiage my husband is trans and it hurts me thst he feels the need to have girlfriends because he is trans. I don't mind him being trans accepted him this way but this concept of having girlfriends yo help him I don't accept! It hurts too much! What do I do?
Hi. I am not sure what you mean this concept of them having girlfriends? This is not something discussed in the video and I am sorry if you misunderstood. I would suggest couples therapy to clarify.
My favorite ex wife found out about my crossdressing while we were going through a divorce a while back. We both went our separate ways and were apart for about six years. My daughter brought it up to me that her mother was not happy where she was and I told her to tell her to come home and we can go from there. All the cards were on the table when she came back and I did not hold anything back . To my surprise she was more accepting and with some help from a good therapist we managed to work it out . She is taking me to my bottom surgery appointment on the 28th of this month. We are still divorced but we get along better than we ever did over the last thirty some years. I don’t have any intentions of finding a happily ever after type relationship since I am in one now. We discussed sex and we agreed that if either of us wanted to date that the rules are don’t brag about it to each other and don’t bring them home. We’ll see how it goes if the situation ever comes up. Time will tell..
Thanks for sharing and its amazing the support you got.
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Emotional bank means nothing for romantic relationship to me. I can be friends and supportive but I am not attracted to the same sex.
I think it is cruel and unfair to use emotional blackmail, to try to force a partner to change their sexual orientation to accomodate your new reality. Biology does not work like that, you cant just switch from one to the next.
My partner wants to transition but I don’t know if I can love them as a man. I don’t mean any disrespect but I don’t want to be dating a man. They say that if I want to break up with them but I don’t know if I should.
Thats totally valid. Gender attraction is important so I totally hear you. Take some time and assess how things feel for you. If its still a no, it is ok to part.
In general in my experience even if the relationship is good or even if they will just separate because kids and that maybe some sort of friendship...but if the partner has trans bias that is transphobic that hardly ever will change. In conservative South or even sadly LA though not as much alot of people are either like ew your trans or fetishises me or they are in an open relationship and like I not transphobic so my BF should not be transphobic. Spoilers they usually are. 🙃
I totally agree. IF partners are very transphobic it will show.
😢 yup hes gonna leave. He accepts my trans friends but not me and we have been together 8 years and have a daughter together but our communication has been shit for 5 years and hes not there for me for the big things in life I really need him for
Thank you for sharing and I wish you all the best!
Not if you partner is only attracted to the gender you are in pre transitioning ,....😳 I could not be with a dude who was all of a sudden a lady. But I could be attracted to a trans dude. 🤷♀ A set sexuality can not change.
Mhy partner was absolutely not flexible and even made homophobic jokes. She said, why did I not come out earlier. I told, well, look at your attitude towards LGBT. I probably shouldn't have said that, because that gave her a very good reason to end marriage.
I've been with my wife for 25 years and she is against my transitioning. I have a feeing she won't stay. I'd love it if she did, but she is embarrassed by my desire to transition. She knows when my dysphoria is really bad, as it has been for the last few months. I stay dressed as a woman, trying everything I can think of to transition myself... shape my body, exercise, trans hypnosis, herbals, etc. It's like I'm stuck. I keep looking the mirror to see if I have had some small improvement to my body. I can't concentrate on my work. Can't sleep. I wake up in the middle of the night to dress fem. It's the only time I can relax. I love my wife, but we haven't been close sexually since I told her about my dysphoria 6 years ago. She's somewhat tolerant, but I go to a separate section of the house and close all the doors, so she doesn't accidentally see me. She told me she never wants to see me dressed. I can't really blame my wife. It's a hard thing for any person to have to go through.
Thank you for sharing and I am so sorry to hear you are going through this.