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I am in this same situation. We are not compatible at all! But unluckily I am the black sheep and it is my fault he says 🙄 How is your life right now if I may ask?
@@karmatshering5238 Damn! That sounds boring as hell. Sometimes you got married and didn't really know the person until years into the marriage. Sometimes divorce is the only way.
no no no, we must have a big lavish wedding to show off our wealth and give the illusion of our happiness to others. After the wedding when the marriage become difficult we can then go our separate ways
Jason Padilla: I disagree. Do you mean just move in together and not get married? I think a better idea is to choose a marriageable partner well. A successful courtship tests an individual. It can potentially weed out those who are just there for the good things. It's not marriage that is the problem. It's the best institution to bring up kids. The problem is not knowing the person you marry fully and not fixing our own wounded selves before being in a committed relationship
All these comments are making me feel better. I just filed and have 2 toddlers (2 & 3). I really didn't want to end our marriage, but I found it to be toxic sometimes as the level of disrespect for each other would grow in every argument. I love my wife, but I don't want our children to see us like this. We've had a lot of the same issues for years now, and Im just feeling burnt out. I pray anyone else going through this finds peace.
How you love her if you disrespect her? If she disrespect you, you can avoid it by not getting into conflict. If you are reciprocating, I won't say you are a lot better.
@@ana-maria448 not getting into conflict "many times" gets to be taken advantage of by the other side... I know this from personal experience... I did my best to be a father and got ignored... Unappreciated... Disrespected... All because she sees other people's success as our failure... There's just no contentment... It's a hard choice. It's a sacrifice of your real happiness, but sometimes, you have to let it go... In the end, it's all for the kids, not wanting them to always feel the trauma of seeing and hearing us in those unhealthy arguments.
I highly suggest people look up and research into narcissism. Alot people are in relationship or married to narcissist but constantly be lied to by the narcissist to realize this. Do you want to know the first sign that you are??? You're always feeling drained! Mentally, emotionally, and physically.
My ex husband expected that marriages that aren't happy - you just do a cold war type of marriage. He did not at all like engaging in communication that wasn't "pleasant". I do believe he was a narcissist so living in this state of watching your parents never engage with each other - in a productive/loving marriage - he was more encouraged to cheat
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I think folk should focus on their kids and mutate themselves around them. You are dealing with another person for F Sake. Be human. Show compassion. Don’t stay married to a monster, show little folks how o be good. And most of all, don’t marry another child masquerading as an adult. Children need mothers and fathers... mentors. And child you may consider an ignoramus? That is your arrogance. A child will make you grow, as a person. Children are good. And so are you.
Well said! I was married and divorced after 5 years with two children. I think there is an enormous benefit to getting divorced when your children are very young. There is nothing worse then exposing them to a toxic marriage. I don’t know how people can stay in a bad marriage for a single month, let alone a decade!
There's no divorce here in my country, lucky for you. The male politicians here are afraid their wives would divorce them because they know it'll happen so they won't pass the divorce bill. Tons of horror stories of women in toxic and unhappy relationships.
As a teenager I was sooo relieved when my parents split. We all knew they didn't get along, so why force it? Finally the air was clear and everyone could move on. I wanted each of them to be happy not together at all cost.
Well if you were that relieved obviously there was something insane going on like physical abuse mixed with yelling if your parents were quiet about their unhappiness and could actually sit together at the dinner table and you were happy to see them split then that's bizarre when my parents hooked up with their new partners that's when me and my brothers experienced are traumatic period of life. I'll be very careful persuading other people to get a divorce because you don't know if those people are capable of finding good partners I just because it worked out for your parent doesn't mean it'll work out for their parents I would never advise someone to get a divorce unless they were being physically abused
@@marioncobretti8210 My parents fought a lot, yes, but no there wasn't abuse. I was happy they split because I just knew they were not well matched. Much better to be separated than not to get along. Now they are friends and we have peaceful family gatherings and it's so much better than when they were a couple. I just recognized at an early age they were a bad match. There was zero violence or abuse though.
@@surlespasdondine exactly that's what the point I'm trying to make if your parents can't keep the peace then I can understand them getting a divorce because even if there's no physical abuse but they're screaming at each other or having very long drawn-out arguments in front of the kids that I can understand that however that can traumatize your kids and then the cherry on top is when you hook up with new people and those people Force themselves on your children like in my situation and in some situations start disciplining your kids because they believe in spanking that can really do some traumatization I'm 33 years old and I'm not going to lie I'm screwed up from what I went through as a kid and I do forgive my parents but I'm emotionally damaged to the point I have to see a psychiatrist to talk and get things off my chest over and over I feel unloved and I feel betrayed and I've had those thoughts in the past that nobody likes so just imagine if you're a mother or father do you want to create someone like me just so that you can have great sex the answer is you can wait until your kids are raised properly and out of the house or at least adults and I know not everybody hooks up for sex but my parents literally hooked up with their second partners for sex and my mother's second partner was a drunk abusive psychopath that hit me with a two-by-four and later we discovered he was still married when he first met my mother and he abandoned his adopted daughter. and I hate to say it guys but there's going to be more evil bad people out there than good people nowadays I mean the internet is horrible people have very low standards when it comes to relationships if you have innocent beautiful little children just let them be kids and focus entirely on them I promise you if you do it correctly it'll pay off in the long run but my mother and father even though I forgive them they're going to go to the cheapest Adult Day Care Home and I'm not going to check up on them
My friend told me that for her the day her parents divorced was one od the best days in her life. At last she could see her mother happy and feel good and safe at home. She hated the time when her parents were together as she saw and felt that they were unhappy. Staying together because of kids is hurting them - you show and teach them that it is ok to stay in a relationship in which you feel terrible and no matter what you should continue it. That is worse than a divorce.
My mum said the same thing to me, the best day of her childhood was when her parents divorced. It's sad but when you see violence, abuse and constant fighting/disrespect/gaslighting you then start to think this behaviour is normal and that it's okay to be a doormat and allow them to continue.
@@Barrel4barrel I mean. Her entire statement is projection. Living a lie in front of your children? How about you grow up, choose to love, and choose to be a good mother. Due to the onset of divorces being rampant since the 70's, and lack of marriages and more single parent homes. We have more research than ever that shows that "leaving for yourself" which is a product of radical self-love cult movements and radical individualism. Has led to more relationship issues, higher amounts of divorces, more problems wtih children, etc. There is even data that backs up that most criminals, and most LGBTQ people come from broken families. SHe doesn't want to live a "lie". When she is the one lying to herself, the grass is not greener on the other side. It almost never is. 80% of divorces are initiated by women, those women later on in life end up divorced again, have a severe lack of fulfillment, children usually resent or hate them, and they end up miserable in their later years. The #1 issue for women in society today, is they don't recognize or check their own emotions or behaviors because radical movements like feminism and the woke movement have destroyed the idea of accountability, have destroyed the matrons of society, and have blended the idea that men and women are the same when they are not. SO when i say grow up, I mean get over yourself, stop projecting, put your kids first, and putting your kids first is NOT PUTTING YOURSELF FIRST and destroying the stability and financial well being of your children over your petty emotions. Work on your marriage, go to a counselor, if it doesn't work, separate temporarily, and keep working on it. Because the chances of you finding someone else, and it working out is slim to none, because 2nd marriages skyrocket in divorce especially when women who have already divorced are involved, and they are likely to do it again. Because what you have shown, is that when things get tough, or you are depressed it isn't your fault it is someone elses.
I say stay together for your kids because as a father myself I know damn well that I am their best option for protection and love. No other man would ever be worthy of my two sons. I will never ever allow my sons lives to be in the hands of any man other than myself.
man i feel you, i cant imagine my son being with some boyfriend or stepdad, and nobody will protect them like me or his mother, maybe when my kids are older i'll divorce honestly thats how im thinking
My dad had the same personal views as you. The emotional damage it caused for us because of his selfishness really ruined our perspective on relationships and marriage. Our self esteem and self worth went down the drain. We had to see miserable, toxic and depressed parents rather than happy, emotionally stable and healthy parents. And trust me, it does feel like it’s our fault. Divorce is traumatizing but it’ll never be as bad as unhappy parents. Parents deserve happiness, parents deserve healthy marriages that reflect onto our future relationships as children. Our dad will always be our dad, no man can take his place. New boyfriends or girlfriends do not affect us but yourself.
@@alysgud exactly!! This guy is so selfish and sounds so egotistical. He’s looking at it from HIS perspective and not those of his kids. He’s using his kids to excuse his self-centeredness. It’s toxic as hell.
We split up yesterday. Kids decided to stay with me. She already had somebody else. I will put my kids in first place and give them best I can. I can tell I felt shit couldn't sleep all night,but now I feel bit relaxed and I'm pretty sure it will get better.
Exactly, as a father divorce = your wife will get primary care giver role and you'll occasionally get to see them. What's even more disturbing is outside of your sphere of protection and guidance, once you're on the side of the picture you may be in for some very nasty surprises. 1. You have no idea who she partners up with next, who will ultimately become more influential in your kids life than you, and soon they'll start calling him "Dad". 2. Her family will poison your kids against you, even if this is very subtle way. 3. She may just move and there's not much that can be done about this, making it even harder to see your kids.
@@blahdiblah2169 this is EXACTLY my reasoning as well. I'm a father myself and I know God damned well that no other man will love or protect my boys like I do.
I remember wishing my parents would get divorced when I was younger. It was awful knowing that they were only staying together because of me. They would scream at night in the living room thinking I was asleep, but I was sitting on the stairs listening to them night after night
This was my brothers and I, they slept in different bedrooms and still found ways to fight at 2 or 3 am. Vacation as a family was always painful. I just wanted it to stop. Sadly I chose a partner with the same way of functioning. It felt familiar. And I stayed way too long for my 4 kids until 2 of them spoke up. Their dad does not think it was that bad, at least he didn't hit me (his words). We stepped away 1 ½ year ago and my kids are blooming, their personalities shining, the relationship between the 4 of them is so beautiful and my teens are just a delight to be around. I don't only love my kids and I, I like being around them and on my own. We are pleasant company ❤ It was the hardest decision. It was scary not to know what would happen, but it has been the best decision for us.
@@claudychiron2432how long did it take for you to come grips with the guilt of the divorce? I’m just now separating, and it’s so damn hard to keep this together. I know it’s best for me and the kids. They don’t see what its it’s like for 2 people to love each other. I’m so worried for them, they are all girls, 4,7, and 8. Separate housing, we are doing one week on one week off. So every Sunday we are dropping them banx off. Financially it’s going to be even harder, living in Florida is very expensive. Any positive advice would be appreciated. Thanks
I have to say, I'm 22 years old now but I still remember how painful it can be in a house with two people who's amount of anger at each other overcomes the love they have for each other. Them staying together for us was what made everything feel like it was our fault, and it was just confusing with all of the pretending that things were okay in front of us and other people but hearing the yelling and screaming in the other room cause I was a lighter sleeper than my siblings. I remember one day I ran out into the hallway in tears apologizing for what I thought was my fault just cause I ended up telling my mom some info that made it obvious he was lying to her. I screamed and cried and told them I didn't mean to ruin everything. I can't tell you how much pain could have been avoided if they had just split up years before. I really wish they had seen something like this or talked to someone with these same kind of views on marriage. You are so great, I love watching you're videos! 💕
Wow.. so sad. Smh. Kids are very observant by nature. They see things that even adults can't. I know I did as a child. I hope all is well now with your parents relationship and I hope they at least have A relationship. And I also admire the fact that although you've went through what you went through, history may not repeat itself because you're educating yourself NOW.
@@edie3902 cheating isn’t an excuse nor is abuse ? Well, good luck to you! I absolutely resuse to accept being mistreated especially if the other person isn’t trying to save our marriage as well.
What if divorce will mean the kids will live in poverty and be with one parent half the time who is completely irresponsible (he's diagnosed bipolar and refuses meds). I would leave if I could afford to and he was a decent parent. For now we are roommates which is the best I can do under the circumstances. At least with me there all the time there's an adult to turn off the oven, lock the doors, bathe the kids, help them with their homework, and pay the bills. I know it's not optimal but optimal (two parents who love each other) isn't an option that I have anymore. I have two bad choices and have to take the lesser of the two evils.
Gosh I feel for you and your kids... I grew up in a poverty stricken home, but I also felt all the love I needed. when I grew up in that kind of life, we are able to appreciate things more readily, worked harder for what we wanted and were proud of what was accomplished! If you do leave, please know that there are organizations out there that will help families with children! you might have to do a little work to find those organizations, but they are there to help you and your kids!
Maybe work on building a support system for yourself so you can leave in a year or two. You probably don't want to end up like the other commentor. Don't make this just about the kids. YOUR life is important, too. YOUR happiness and your future are incredibly important. Churches are a great way to build a strong support system if you don't have family nearby. Join a church, build relationships and friendships, seek out other organizations and systems you can take advantage of in your area/state when you leave, and prep the kids. They'd probably like to leave, too. I wish you all the best in life. I know that the darkness can be all-consuming at times and my heart goes out to you. I clawed my way out, and I pray you do too. ♥
Di Life and Style it’s not just about support. It’s also about protecting the children from their father, who will get half the time with them after the divorce.
I do feel for you. And I understand your predicament. Is there a chance that you can go to school at least part-time? People with disorders have a tendency to straighten up at least marginally if they know that their spouse is working on options. I still wouldn't leave him because if you do, your children will spend time with him unsupervised. And as you say, they will end up with no parents. Sometimes just letting him know that you are not without options, that you are perfectly capable of building a life on your own will cause them to reevaluate their behavior. You are exactly the kind of person I would love to be able to work with. It takes a very strong person to do what's before you. I still don't recommend divorce. Believe it or not, he's better than no parent or another parent. Broadening your horizons will change you as well. and really? The bottom line is, you're the one who needs to change. I know that's a hard pill, but once you move that direction, you will see what I mean.
This was the worse reason for my parents to have stayed together. It made everything disastrous between me, my siblings and the entire family dynamic. Years later we kids were taken under custody ward of the court, became foster children and resented the hell out of our parents. We are all adults now, never speaking to our father and bonding pretty closely with our mother. I believe we all would've been healthier and happier with our parents divorced and being mature enough to work out differences for our sake. I begged my mom to divorce my dad at 11 years old. Welp.
I told my mom to divorce too, they now live separate although not officially divorced but she did it after me and my brother were over 18, I told her to divorce when we were 7-10... In our case it wasn't such a bad situation but she was unhappy and that's what I hate the most, to think they wasted so many years of their lifes together making each other unhappy
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When I was about ten years old, I started to pray for my parents to get a divorce. My parents fought all the time and it was horrible. I wished they would have divorced to make me happy. My parents staying together was the worst and I have a lot of bad memories because of it. I have issues I still have to deal with because of this. Hearing “staying for the kids makes me sick”. On the bright side, my dad did move out years later and because he moved, my parents became friends. And they ended up getting along as friends living apart. And now, my dad passed away last year, by my mom talks about him as how good friends they were. So, good things can come from horrible situations!!
So well put! It's interesting how people act differently when they're operating from a different POV. Oftentimes, married people would like the option of just being friends, and once separated, they're able to do so by being more honest, having given up the facade . People that are in love don't try to convince themselves they are everyday. If you see yourself more as a friend, or, feel constant disdain in a marriage, you shouldn't be married.
Every situation is different, but I can tell you my wife and I have had rough patches that we worked through. We're very happy now, and it's mostly because we're financially stable now! So much resentment comes from partners not carrying their own weight. (For example working parents sometimes feel that caretaker parents don't do enough and that resentment builds.)
She lost me at “using your kids to avoid a difficult conversation.” I’m sure that happens, but I just found out my wife had slept with my step brother for 2 years. And I look at those little faces and can’t imagine making a decision that could negatively impact their shot at having the best life the possible. I’d venture to guess when most people want to stay “for the kids” it’s because of a genuine concern for their development, and the need (as a parent) to make decisions for them before yourself.
Believe it or not, kids can actually be surprisingly resilient. I'm not saying it's easy of course. And maybe some kids may have a harder time adjusting and coping than others. Without question, divorce is traumatic but so is remaining in an emotionally disconnected relationship. Kids can also be pretty perceptive and pick up on the energy of the surrounding atmosphere of your interactions. And, it does affect them. What they witness with their own parents teaches them what to expect in relationships as adults. I don't think that choosing martyrdom for the kids will do a whole lot of good either because by doing that, you’ll be teaching them that marriage is about being miserable and disliking your spouse. An unhappy marriage affects the relationship of the whole family dynamic because it can take its toll on the parents and compromise their ability to be fully present for their kids because they're emotionally, mentally and physically drained, all the time. Instead of putting in the work to try to fix things or to divorce respectfully, you both just end up going with the flow and accepting your unhappiness as a fact of your life. By doing that, you’re choosing to live in fear and settle for mediocrity, and teaching your kids that’s what they can expect from life, too. When all we are doing is tolerating our partner, we are modeling unhappy, tension-filled, emotionally guarded behavior that kids internalize and carry with them into their adult relationships. It can become normalized for them that relationships are often joyless experiences where the answer to conflict is to sweep it under the rug and not address it. I'm a child of divorce and yes, it was hard on me for a while. But looking back on it now, it wouldn't have been much better if they stayed together either. I'd say it’s healthier for a child to be in a happy home with only one parent, than in a two-parent home where both people are miserable. Ultimately, it's up to you to decide what you're gonna do but that's my 2 cents.
She didn't lose me, but I didn't agree with that point either, I stayed to save my youngins the pain of separation. My folks split in a way that was really traumatic for me so I used alcohol to medicate, it was a dark time, so i was scared to put mine through that. Much bigger fear than just having the tough convo. But she's right in that I'm not doing my kids any favors by staying in and modeling an unhealthy relationship. They'd probably rather see their parents happy. Once I got thru it I was glad that my parents split- they were happier. But I hope to do it so gently. Definitely gonna do the sit down and talk way instead of a casual "Oh your dad is spending Christmas with his new girlfriend" way like I was dealt- don't do it that way. lol
You're not wrong either. Divorce is hard on kids and people who claim kids are resilient, well it very much depends on the kid and on how the divorce is handled. But a sensitive kid and a messy divorce is how things usually go down. Her whole argument is based on her assumption that parents are using their kids as an excuse to stay in an unhappy marriage, which is just a very shallow conclusion to reach. Also her black and white dissection shows a real lack of depth and maturity. In the real world, sometimes it really is better to stay together during tough times, even if that reason is just for the kids. Also relationships can even improve over time.
Being with my husband 24/7 because of the pandemic has solidified my belief that our marriage is over. I feel nothing but resentment and anger for him. Wish I can start working back in the office so I don't see him all the time.
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You’re assuming parents will be happy if/when they get divorced. My parents were miserable, unhappy people, period. Didn’t matter if they stayed married or got divorced. Thankfully they remained married because if I got shuffled between two households every weekend I’m the one that would have ended up miserable.
There's a difference between living in the same house, and working towards a good life. You need to have a little compassion for your parents. There wasn't a lot of counseling out there for this when you were young. The answer was as this woman says in the video. Just divorced. They literally would push it. There are options and you can learn from this. Be kind towards the memory of your parents. Believe me. There just weren't very many resources
It’s even harder when you know that your partner will no longer be in your children’s life if you separate….. it feels like it’s your fault that your kids will have no relationship with their father because you wanted a divorce.
If you wanted the divorce then it is your fault. Marriages take a lot of work, if you are too selfish to put in the work then don't have kids. Children don't ask to be here and its women who selfishly cause them to have to grow up in broken homes..
@@marlowstanfield6815 that's harsh. If there is abuse in a relationship then the abused should leave. If someone cheats you have the choice and right to want a divorce. If you fall out of love and can't get on ....many reasons. I'm sure most people try and try until it reaches the point of divorce. I met my husband when I was 15 I was young and naive. I've changed. My expectations have changed and I know my worth. Yes work at marriage but I'm 30 years married ,been cheated on been treated like rubbish ,I've given my all. My husband has MH issues and it's a hard life very difficult to live with but my kids are settled in school and happy so as soon as they are grown I'm done ! He wasn't diagnosed until after we had children my eldest is 28. As soon as the youngest is grown I'm running out the door. I think these days marriage is not necessary. Be free.
@@marlowstanfield6815 I haven’t left him. We are still together for the kids. It’s a toxic situation for everyone involved but we are still in it nonetheless…. Everyone is traumatized except him because he gets to be the king who does whatever he wants whenever he wants. Sucks for us, be at least he’s happy.
@@cocoalaux4495 Okay, maybe my comment was a bit harsh, at the time I was going threw my own stuff. It does make sense to leave if he's abusive or cheating on you, but a lot of times women leave just because the relationship isn't perfect, my point is no relationship in the history of Mankind is perfect, none are easy, they all take hard work. An if kids are involved, you should do everything you possibly can to make sure they have both parents full time..
I needed to hear this today, I think I’ve been hearing it for years now, but I wasn’t ready for the reception. I am now, and I am ready to make the changes.
Thanks for this, ive been married for 16 years and even thou not been for therapy. I know its over and have taken that step and told my wife. My son is 14 and long term what he has left of his childhood im hoping it will be slightly happier in the home for him, we just dont get on. Should have done it 8 years ago and have that regret.
Reset your mind, if you have problems of not feeling happy or fulfilled : you need to fix yourself ! You will eventually feel that way in a new relationship- after the hormone honey moon phase - Begins by being grateful
I don't see how this in any way shape or form relates to those who are married to addicts, abusers, criminals, adulterers and other disordered people. Fact is...you can't save a marriage with one hand clapping. Not praying, nor self-improvement is going to save something like this. That said, self improvement and working on your issues is always a good idea, if done for yourself.
Problem in your scenario is : with our laws, the abusers, addicts, mentally sick people ... STILL GET ACCESS TO THEIR KIDS.. therefore if you have kids you better make the sacrifice to at least stay until they are old enough not to be affected by their abuse and neglect - OR ELSE YOU ARE MAKING THE DECISION TO MAKE MORE ADDICTS , abusers and mentally ill people
@@wren7182 soooo what is your solution when the courts give access to the little little kids who can't defend themselves from the addict, neglectful, abusive parent ? because I have seen and heard of dozens of cases in which they still get visitation and time with them and those behaviours continue - if you as the adult made a bad decision : abandoning your kids to their fate is not fixing your mistake - put your big boy/girl pants on and stick it out until they are old enough to defend themselves OR the other parent doesn't get access to them anymore - they are the collateral damage for your cowardice
If you're with somebody and your unhappiness is relatively quiet and you guys aren't yelling at each other and you're not beating each other your kids probably have no idea that you guys are unhappy and to be honest kids are kind of selfish they're not really going to care if they find out because they want to be kids they want enjoy themselves because they're not kids forever. Now what nobody ever tells you is that the second person you hook up with is guaranteed to make everything better in fact you should do research on what are the odds that that second person won't be worse than the first. And let me ask you this because I went through it myself what do you think is more traumatic your parents being unhappy but staying together so that you can have a childhood or your parents splitting up getting with new people and God forbid those new people abused your children. For any women out there considering leaving their husbands I hope you don't have daughters because guess what your new partner who fell in love with you is going to think your daughter looks like you do you really trust him around your daughter when she goes through puberty I mean she's going to look like you but younger version. The last thing I'm going to say is this if your husband or wife he's abusing you then your kids are already traumatized the solution is not get with another person and traumatize them again or risk traumatizing them again the solution is divorce and stay single and focus on rehabilitating your children
Kids don't always know it's coming...I remember vividly the day my parents told us they were getting divorced...the shock hit me like a ton of bricks at 8 yrs old.
I agree! Mel, as many have a tendency to do, make such assumptions when they are trying to drive home a point and even more so when the point that they are driving may seem shocking to listeners. I cringe whenever I hear stuff like this because it still hurts imagining 'that' conversation even now at 43!
Ultimately, the message is that it’s more detrimental for a child to be raised witnessing a toxic or unhealthy connection, than having to deal with the trauma of experiencing your parents deciding to part ways and coparent separately. As someone who grew up with parents who “stayed together for the kids” and spent every day of my childhood in separate rooms, never date nights, no vacations, no family time together because they didn’t enjoy each other-- I can confirm it was brutal. I used to wish they would divorce.
I was a child in a Loveless marriage. It was the biggest mistake that my parents could have ever made for my life. My mother was bipolar and dad was functional depressed, so they were both emotionally unavailable. My mom would ask the children who they wa Ted to live with and would become violent toward us if we said we want to live with Dad. I hated my childhood and I responded to the traumas frequently on my adult life's journey. 💔❤️🩹💔
U forgot to mention how expensive divorce really is this is why millions of men like my father stay in loveless sexless heartless marriage but then they can’t understand why I DONT EVER want to be married
I hope more people realize that staying for the children is sometimes not the best option. Please think of your mental health and the rest of your life in peace. As well as not being used for financial reasons, other resources or connections. Blessings and love. ❤✨️
I really needed to hear this. I'm married to a narcissist and he constantly puts it back on me if I express that I want to separate (he pretty abusive, mainly verbal but has gotten physical a few times). He tells me I'm going to 'mess up our son' and ruin everything. That I wont be able to recreate this life style without him (being with someone, building a home etc.) This has made me put off trying to leave for the last 18 months :(
Children are extremely sensitive and sense every nuance of feeling in parents. Whatever tension exists between spouses children feel it 100 times stronger, are deeply affected by it , and internalize responsibility for it as "their fault". You may feel that you and your spouse are as cool and polite as a dowager duchess on the surface, but your children feel your anger, contempt, and despair. Spare your children the awful experience of growing up in the dark shadow of a bad marriage. If you and your spouse need a divorce get one for the sake of your children. Model good self-care and self-actualization for them instead of letting them see you seethe through years of misery just to hold a traditional role
sorry to infringe on your privacy,Its said that 'A picture is worth a thousand words, but when I saw a photo of you, it was more than words could explain.Your profile is irresistible,though a little personal message but your look tells a lot about a nice person...so i had to drop a message to the charming person with this great profile.Just want to know you better and be a friend
I was the kid that had their parents stay because of us. Trust, the abandonment and the hell I went through was traumatic. I would have preferred them divorce each other than the hell we went through with them together. Back then there therapy was not as available as it is now. So, kids who are going through therapy are lucky. Don't waste your time in a marriage if it is over. Everyone will suffer if you stay. Find your happy and everyone lives a much better life around you.
Currently in my marriage of 4 years and I feel completely stupid for having proposed all those years ago. She was a completely different person before we got married and now she’s crabby, narcissistic, disrespectful, ungrateful, and always finds something to complain about. I never cheated, I work a 9-5, pay bills, come home everyday, I love spending time with our daughter, and it still isn’t enough. I just buried my father last week and got little to no support from her…. IM TIRED! But I find myself staying for my daughter who I don’t want to be away from
@@yeussean yea I’m still here and she’s seeing a therapist. I essentially gave her an ultimatum and once I explained the reality of the situation she realized she had to make a choice
Men, do not hesitate for one moment to put a restraining order against your female partner if you feel your safety and health is in jeopardy. Placing a permanent restraining order on my female ex-partner was absolutely the wisest protective move of my adult lifetime. My only regret is not doing it years earlier. Men, be safe!
I know a couple who are stuck together because they have to care for their two disabled children (genetic disease). Their marriage was dead long before the kids were even born, ironically, they thought having kids will fix their marriage. This sure did “fix” it. My advice to anyone with healthy children: really don’t hide behind them! They will understand and will support you. And be grateful you are not in a situation where leaving is not an option.
Marriage is for children, why are you trying to separate the two? You could have both had a romantic relationship without getting married, but you decided to form a union and start a family. Try to find ways to take the pressure off the marriage and make things work. Only divorce if it's a major deal - marriage is bigger than the two of you. That's the point of marriage - it's not just about you two anymore.
They also dones studies on how old the kids are and how it severely traumatizes them all depending on what age and gender. I’m sorry, but have you ever been divorced? With children? I don’t think so.
I don't think I would rule it out entirely, however I would be at least a thousand times more selective, and scrutinize all the details. One big thing about marriage people underplay is the inlaws you end up taking on. They end up playing a massive role in your life, and if they're weak or bad family it can make or break your marriage experience, especially when your partner's priorities are wrong. Another thing is actually being with a person who just gets you. You can literally be married to someone for decades and the wrong person will still not understand you. But perhaps above all things is being with someone who can openly admit to their mistakes, and take responsibility for them. Someone who can make genuine apologies.
There is absolutely no reason to marry as a man. It's a situation where you can lose everything you've worked for, seeing your children everyday, your retirement, your health, everything... all based on her decisions and actions. The courts are against you because you're a man, she will be viewed as the victim no matter what you say or do. Your children will suffer and potentially be raised by another man, who will probably live in your home and drive the car you bought, mow the lawn with your lawnmower, and tuck your kids at night. This is while you're "allowed" to see your own children on "approved" times as you work two jobs now to pay child support and alimony. Nah... taking a hard pass on any future marriage.
The reason i stay is because im scared if i divorce his toxic family will have more access to our precious daughter than they do now if im at home and can protect her from them. I feel if im not here to protect her something bad will happen to her...
I agree. If you are miserable early on chances are it won’t get any better. I wish I had left when my children were young. They have only seen me stressed. Living with my husband who has mental illness was not easy and still isn’t. It sucked the joy out of a lot of things. Also, anyone who doesn’t like their future in laws now… run far and fast. If you sense they will be putting their nose into your marriage at every turn… RUN.. life is too short to be miserable! Be good to yourself.
So true ❤ it takes a lot to get divorced when you have kids. And another thing is being in an unhealthy marriage because of the kids lead to slavery and the kids will definitely grow up not knowing fully what love is because love starts at home.
The thing for me is that the times we spend together with the kids are when she sees why she likes me. Without going into to much detail we both know first hand what it will do to the kids to separate. It'd be one thing if it was mutual and both of us remained single and worked on ourselves and knew for a fact that there was no third party in action but that's not my situation and it's breaking me. I know the logic spread about how you can't place blame on the third party because they're just acting on an opportunity or if it wasn't them it'd be someone else. Yes kids need to see an example of heathly love but also of healthy management of conflict and to me that example isn't shown by either parent starting a relationship with someone else whilst they live together or are dependent or expectant on the other parent to provide anything for them financially or otherwise. That teaches your kids that it's OK to get what you want or need in any moment out of someone and get your other needs met elsewhere without consequence or responsibility. That teaches your kids that it's OK to use and abuse other people. It teaches your kids that it's OK to only have people in their life for what they can get out of them. It's so much deeper than "staying together for or because of the kids" it's the message and example that are given to the kids of what your actions and behaviors are towards your "partner". We teach out kids to finish one task before starting another, to clean up one mess before making another... What kind of example is being set when one starts a new relationship whilst still living with and having any sort of depence or expectation to provide anything to them that was established or understood because of people being in a relationship?! Mommy can go see and sleep with other people but still has a place to go home to that's not provided by the third party. Mommy gets to have whatever life she wants provided by someone she says she's not with under the guise of its what's best for the kids or for the kids?! I'd do anything for my kids but it disgust me when anyone gets a "grass is greener" feeling and feels entitled to take anything or threaten to take anything especially when the other partner is willing and wanting to work it out and especially when abuse is not a factor. I know for my own sake I need to stop feeling like the victim... Our kids ultimately are the victims and shame on anyone that would use them as pawns to justify or bring themselves any sort of gain of any kind
I internalize my father saying since I was a child that he stayed because of me and my sister, even today he tries to use me as his psychologist, and get really angry when I don't wanna talk about his marriage, he once said: "you don't do anything, your Mother is screaming with me", and I really thought that I should do something, but these days I know, marriage is between 2 people, is not the concern of their children.
So true. My parents divorced when I was 7 and I say over and over again that I am so grateful they did. It was the single best thing they have ever done for my sister and I. I was old enough when it happened to remember how things were before the divorce, and it was honestly horrible. The constant fighting and resentment between them was so terrible. Because of their divorce, I got to see what a normal, healthy, supportive relationship was like. My dad ended up dating an incredible and amazing woman for a several years and without that I genuinely wouldn't know what a healthy relationship is. Even though they aren't together anymore romantically, they still live together and are absolute best friends who have nothing but love and respect for one another, and it's honestly the most inspiring thing to me. My mom on the other hand married an absolute asshole and now after 10 years of failing to try to make it work she is finally divorcing him. I really try not to hold it against her, but both my sister and I were moved to a different country for her to be with this guy, and it was absolute hell the entire time. I only had to live with it for 4 years until I moved out, but my poor little sister had to endure it until last year when my mom finally left him. Moral of the story, if anything.. please get the divorce FOR the kids. I guarantee it will be way better for them in the long run. AND it will show them how to respect themselves enough to do what's best for them. I wish there wasnt such a stigma around divorce. My parents divorce and my moms recent divorce are literally 2 of the things I am most thankful for in the world.
OMG!! your story sounds horrible. Your family broke up so you and your sister can live with some foreign asshole and being away from your father and that is what your most thankful for. How about your mom and dad not being so damn selfish and put the bickering aside and be adults for the betterment of the children.
Yes, staying married for the kids involves a commitment to negotiation, collaboration, and sacrifice. Your children are the very reason you entered into this union, and prioritizing their well-being is a selfless act that can foster stability and security in their lives. Embracing this journey with resilience and empathy not only strengthens your family unit but also sets a powerful example of love and dedication for your children to emulate in their own lives.
Saying that you're using your kids as an excuse not to do anything is probably one of the most un-empathetic things I've ever heard. Wanting to end a marriage and not being able to, or not wanting to because one really cares about one’s children, wanting to make sure that they are OK, and that one is not making a decision that would be regretted for years to come, is not silly, foolish, or selfish in any way. If one is the male in the relationship, it is hard not to think about if the new stepdad is going to really care for them or not. I know a family where the stepdad sexually abused his stepdaughters. Not to mention physical abuse and insensitivity towards children. This is very common. The fact that the person has a hard time making this decision says that this person really cares what happens to his or her children. I know you hate it when people tell you this but there's usually a good reason for it. My point is that it is not that the person is using the children not to get divorced, but rather, they are a huge piece of a complicated situation that must not be ignored during a life changing event and this person is coming to you for a good sound advice and not for you to insult their legitimate concerns.
Divorcing while pregnant.....just worried I'm going to still be miserable due to the hurt and don't want my boy to have a bitter mom.......regardless, you're right Mel. Thanks for doing this video.
sorry to infringe on your privacy,Its said that 'A picture is worth a thousand words, but when I saw a photo of you, it was more than words could explain.Your profile is irresistible,though a little personal message but your look tells a lot about a nice person...so i had to drop a message to the charming person with this great profile.Just want to know you better and be a friend
Divorce *DO* scares kids for life, because parents are the best role models. I will never enter marriage, because the effect the divorce did to my parents and my siblings.
I have to disagree. My children didn't want to leave their father, so I stayed. When they were teenagers, then we split, but young children need a steady environment and two parents. You need a better reason then not being happy. Suck it up for the kids. If you can't do it, divorce, but if you can you should.
If you are in a combative or abusive relationship, it is better to split, but if you can keep a civil home, it is better for the kids if you stay in the same house from what I have learned.
My husband doesn't believe in therapy. He avoids any conversations about our relationship. When my son gets a little older... We will decide. It's expensive out there. I can't afford to live by myself! A serious amount of disengagement and disinterest.
Have you tried washing his feet, cooking him dinner, supporting him and being submissive to him. Helping him up not bringing him down. I know if you do these things his attitude towards you will change 180.
Don’t wait til your son is older. It will be more sad for him. There are women’s resources out there that can help you find a low income apartment and even help you find a job. That’s what I did. My husband is exactly like yours and I would not stand by and participate in disrespect and loveless relationship. You got to love yourself and your son enough to know you deserve to be happy and that happiness will trickle down to your son since being a happy mom is better than being a miserable mom.
@@patriotgains7455 supporting him how? If he wants to go mountain biking out west with his friends, I arrange to take a week off work to be home to care for my son so he can. Otherwise he's very self sufficient. Wash his feet?? Umm... No. To the other person... I have a decent job but it's VERY expensive to live in this state! We get by. I'm menopausal now so... Whatever
As a man you will likely see your kids a lot less if you dissolve the marriage unless you're able to prove she is unfit. Unless you're willing to have every other weekend, every other holiday, and a couple weeks in the summer you might need to consult a lawyer first to see where it would land legally in your state w/ custody. It sounds idealistic to go for your happiness but you have to weigh that vs. time w/ your kids.
Yes, that's true actually both ways. There is no win when it comes to divorce and children. It is so damaging. To all involved. This woman who made this video I know is well meaning. She doesn't like to see people in pain and I don't either, but you got into this situation and ditching it just isn't the answer. It leaves way too big a mess. And you're likely to end up in one even worse.
This requires a high level of self-deception as well as deception of the others. Because very often, once your spouse figures out you are done, the atmosphere in the house will dissolve very quickly and you'll soon be forced to go anyway, if nothing else so the kids can finally stop hurting. It is very rare that two parents are so self-aware and so mature about this, that they will sit down and hammer out a good roommate agreement and stick to it. Even more rare than having a friendly divorce.
@@wren7182 ...your kind of describing my home. We never truly said those words but, that's how we live. Roommates and business partners, who want what's best for the kids. She knows I'd prefer to leave. As weird as it sounds, it's what's keeping us together.
My parents divorced, and I was only 5 at the time. I admit it was the right thing for my mother to do, and don't think therapy would have helped their situation. However, it did traumatize me. Almost 40 years later, I'm still feeling the effects and unpacking how it, and circumstances surrounding it, impacted me for decades... Wish I had got into therapy much sooner than I did, because it does help, somewhat. But the fear of abandonment, I don't know if that will ever go away.
This really hits home. The pain for me is severe. Talking about over 20 years of neglect. I watch our six children did all the cooking while she spends hours shopping. After shopping she spends 6, 7, 11, 14 hours with her mother and sister. She talks on the phone with other people more than she does with me and uses work as an excuse not to show me any affection. After years go by I found out that she's a narcissist. I think that pretty much says it all. P.S. I never thought women could be so violent to their own children. Punching and kicking children in the chest and face. What would posses a woman to do such evil acts? After studying about narcissistic women I understand more now about cluster B personality disorders. I keep asking her for a divorce and she keeps telling me no.
@@georgejgilles.3999 you should take a step, divorce her, let her happy, Im happy after my ex-husband divorce me and I remarry again, he still call me everytime make my new husband mad and angry, my ex-husband should remarry again and let me happy
so you think by divorcing, the kids will now see you as happy? Lawyers and courts will remove your ability to "deal with something scary" and I doubt it will be "better." Conflict, disinterest and disengagement can happen in the most successful marriages. You have an obligation to do right by your children! Once you have children together you are bound together for life. Internet experts are dangerous and mostly wrong.
Well actually, I'm a psychologist and the cold hard truth is, statistically, children do better in marriages that stay together. It is not an excuse. That's the numbers. I really resent that you would take such a flippant attitude towards people who choose to stay for the kids. I did exactly that. My son is now 29 years old and he's heads above his friends. You make your own happiness. You married this person. Take responsibility. If you don't have children, then do whatever you want, but if you do, you find a way to make it work. Unless he's hurting you, make it work. It is not 'immature' to do so, in fact, it actually takes a great deal of maturity.
I don’t agree with this at all. If the relationship doesn’t work and they’ve tried to fix it and the relationship is dead and there’s no love, why do you have to live a miserable life? Do you think your kids won’t notice? They leave and make their own life. Then what? You wasted your life in a miserable marriage, basically trying to milk a dead cow. Im sorry, but your advice is terrible.
ConstantCompanion your last sentence says it all. Unfortunately marriages don’t die just out of boredom. And statistics has little to do with real life. I do have a friend who stayed in a marriage for a while and it worked out well for the kids. But I also know of situations where it did not. It takes two people to make a marriage bearable. I am glad it worked out for you.
I hate my marriage life it's soo miserable I'm unable to do anything because my son is 5 years and we both love each other so much. I can't imagine what would happen to him and to me if I go for divorce... ANY ADVICE PLEASE...
My parents got divorced after 27 years of marriage, and I’m sorry buttttt it absolutely did scar me for life…. I’m 30 still scared they divorced when I was 10…and I feel like all 5 of us kids of theirs literally are scarred and our family was ripped open in such bad ways and it’s horrible bc my parents STILL aren’t happy even after leaving each other. LASTLY. We all ended up in bad relationships/marriages except ONE of us. It really can create a cycle…… :( so sad.
Most of the time after divorce the child loses one of the parents. When the divorce is done the father will most likely no longer be in the child's life. So basically you are saying the child is better off with one parent. When a child loses a parent it won't be good for them...
As a child of divorced parents, I can say it completely shattered the family, but at the same time I was so happy for my mum finally leaving my Dad after being miserable for years. The sad thing is she left all of us in the end due to her mental health including 4 young children with the support & encouragement of her therapist.
I married a personality disordered man, stayed with him nearly 20 years, trying, hoping and praying things would get better, they never did, I repeated co dependent toxic life patterns because u did not know then what I know now and I am from parents I prayed daily would divorce because it was so crazy hateful I am going to therapy at 51 to try to heal
I understand what you went through. I have had toxic relationships in my younger days. Today we have much more openness, information about everything. There's too much to say.. Warm greetings and love from Europe ❤️
These situations are so difficult though to understand. Sometimes their is no answer, because it’s as vague for the parents as it is for the kids. Especially when you’re inclined to favor one parent more, and then it starts to even out. Divorce is hell, but so is having fighting parents. I think the best way to solve it is to ask the kids which parent they like more. It doesn’t matter what the parent wants, or what they think is fair. If the kids want to live with their mom, let them, and the dad can move on. Like, why are parents so captivated to play hot potato with their kids. It only hurts the kids more, and what the parent wants isn’t really important
I am a child of divorce. My life has been a living hell for the last 25 years. Divorce for children never ends. I would’ve given anything for my parents to find a way to work out. Stay in it for your kids.
I understand that you are speaking from your experience but I would say it depends on the context. If there is abuse involved for instance I don’t think it is wise for them to stay together. Furthermore, children being exposed to a toxic marriage is just as destructive too
Sorry if i have a million kids for i man and i am unhappy and uncomfortable i am not staying in it. At the end of the day sometimes you got to put yourself first. I have seen a lot of people living there life a lie. I love my kids but at the end of the day i have to think about my well being too!
@@mb4635 No, it isn't. He's right about divorce never being "over" for the child. It shows up at every graduation, birthday, holiday, wedding, you name it. The fact that parents think their happiness is the most important thing for their child is just a delusion. Kids need to see their parents act with humility and determination in keeping their family together. Gaslighting and silencing children of divorce who speak the truth about their parent's divorce being a living hell only serves to keep society oblivious to the reality of divorce for children. And no one is saying stay in a marriage where there is abuse. Safety must be a priority. However, adults seem to think that their "happiness" is something of the utmost importance when it isn't. Their children's happiness and family are.
Perhaps the question isnt framed correctly. What if they meant to ask, "how can i move on without being with my kids?". That seems to be the hardest thing by far. What if that hurts the kids more than a crappy marriage?? How can you know??
Kids dont care if you have a crappy or love less marriage. Kids need their mother and father in the same house putting them before themselves. Thats what marrriage and having kids is all about, sacrifice.
Jelousy in my opinion is the number one killer of relationships. It creates a snowball effect of other issues as well. Too many good men, women and kids are victims of jelousy
There are so many subtle differences in each personal story, yet these generalised guidances make life miserable for many. Marriage is over ? If its not abusive, violent. Its better kids see there parents working put things, giving priority to family. Resilience, self empowerment, ending it powerfully mature and all the easier said than done thrown at people during their weak point is counterproductive. Have you gone through therapy? Have you done everything?
Hardest thing I did but staying the same was even more hard and painful! We were both so miserable. No relationship whatsoever emotionally. Married over 23 years. 4 kids later. And last 7 years I just kept ignoring the signs. But I got to a point this past year that I said to myself I am been a hypocrite & a liar to my kids and they know it! We separated . Still dealing with the divorce part. But as parents we are 100% way better parents. I actually get along now with my ex-partner. I couldn’t stand him. When we told our 4 kids we were splitting all 4 from ages 22 to 9 said “yeah we kind of figure that” kids know if. Kids can tell when there is true love . When 2 people are in love and want to spend time together. We were roommates for the last 7 years. Best decision I made! Thanks Mel
This is going on for me right now. I just can't get over the fact that our current "therapist" says staying together for kids or for money is good because "it's a starting point". Just blows my mind. I have been unhappy for years, our relationship is very unhealthy, and I have recently began having an affair. But still she will not let us part because of the kids and money. I grow more and more resentful at feeling trapped every day.
my therapist said it too !! my gut says otherwise, I'm listening to my gut I told the herapist also my decision is final ..I look for the better future.
I am 65 and have a rich life experience and wise outlook on life. You should listen to what is advised in this video. She is totally right. This is very unhealthy to continue to live together "for the kids". They feel that things are not OK. Your therapist is weird, your feeling is correct. Listen to your own instinct. I come from divorced parents (18 years married and hell), I'm divorced too with 3 children. I did everything to always be kind even though he was not. Today my kids are adults and I spared them from hating their dad. My family even was mad at me for Always taking his defense. I lied saying that he's a wonderful dad, children have the right to have and love their dad and their mom. Today they see that he's a poor bum but don't have hatred in their hearts. They have good relationship with him even though he's a slippery fish 😂🤣. Sorry I got caught up with a different topic. There's too much to say. I wish you bon courage, stay strong and listen to your inner voice. Your children can be very happy with their parents separated and you can become extraordinary parents in Co-parenting. Sorry my English is a bit rusty.
I thought therapists were supposed to me a neutral party to the situation. You need a new therapist. I also advise to figure out a way to live separately. You are having an affair, and that is no way to cope with a bad marriage. It’s a band aid to a problem that won’t go away. Do you and figure out a way to become parents to your kids with each other without being together. Step one, find a new therapist.
Seen loads getting divorced in their 50's, 60's. The financial turmoil it leads to is the worst bit, at that age it's obvious the financial dent is going to hurt and it's often too late to turn things around.
I like that... Do it FOR the kids. Think of the lessons taught when there's no genuine romantic sweet love.... Pretending, lying, faking it, tolerate, placate, avoidance, irritation, sometimes disgust, annoyance, embarrassment, distance, separateness, and physical and emotional coldness. Yeah, real good relationship lessons. But, we stay together BY GAWD! sarc//// I think staying in a bad marriage is often an excuse to hide from the vulnerability of something real, under the guise of being upstanding. It's a farce, and a hideout.
Doing it for the kids is not a thing. My parents divorced and it wrecked us. Even though they fought, it would have been better for us long term if they had stayed together. 100%. #sleepereffectofdivorce.
@@tuffstuff2U ...reading back. My daughter, though those emotions exist in my home (not on a day to day), has NO CLUE. She's 5. Maybe as she gets older, and can recognize body language a bit more, it will be an issue.
@@GodKing666, thank you for sharing that. Unfortunately, kids are very attuned to emotional atmospheric changes and instability. They may not be able to put into words what they are perceiving or witnessing, but that doesn't mean they don't sense it. I have personal experience with this from his early as I can remember, so that's how I'm able to speak about it. I do wish you and yours the best. The best we can hope for in any situation is peace.
My wife and I have maybe, one blown out of proportion, argument a year (the resentment build up). It's semi toxic. We manage to keep it away from our 4 year old, who DOESN'T know, mind you. Outsiders think we have a great marriage. When in reality, we are more like pals, sharing in life responsibilities (with a small side of fuck you). Our intimacy is almost nonexistent. It's now September... We have had sex 3 times this year (briefly). She's a bit delusional, when it comes to how she sees our marriage. If another woman takes notice, she's "up in arms". She'll say things like, "Does she need to see me?", or "...does she see your ring?". As for my 4 year old... The kid is completely in the dark on this situation. We give my child so much attention. We go out together, sing together, laugh together...etc. Not so much as a front. But because, my wife and I are more like friends. So it's easy. This is why it's hard for me to leave. I'm in "No Intimacy Hell". And I've managed to become content with my hell, mostly. I have the occasional NEED. My kids smiling face, and love my child has when they see us together is a great sedative to the calamity.
@Michele Marie ...I'd have to say, you are TOTALLY WRONG (tell me again when you've met my child). I never said we are "flat" at home. And you CLEARLY missed the second paragraph.
@@pamemarald3601…stumbled across this video again. Still in the same boat. Your prophecy fell short though… Kid is 9 now, and still clueless. Still speaks highly of her parents being in love. I am in the rare space of knowing my child well. I’ll come back in another 3 years, and give an update.
Here’s another question if I may attach it to the videos original question. What if I can’t afford to pay double if I decided to leave the relationship? We both agreed on many things but the main thing was I work she stays home and takes care of the house and kids. I work regardless but on her end it’s always an excuse about why the house is dirty or why there wasn’t food made etc.
Children do not always “know it’s coming.” They might know that things are not good, but if both parents love their children, the children would rather have the parents also love each other and stay a family. It is devastating to see your parents divorce (unless there are extreme circumstances that warrant a break-up). Staying in a marriage for the children’s sake, however, doesn’t make the break-up of the family any less devastating. A broken family is a broken family. Why is it any better to “announce” to your son or daughter (the minute they turn 18 years old) that you’ve been living a lie under their nose and can’t wait to divorce each other. Humans are not machines that can suddenly adjust, cope and survive starting the day we become “legal adults” What garbage!
I just watched a video last night that said being a single patent is child abuse here on youtube. That was a huge blow as someone who is leaving their abusive, cheating spouse. 😕 thanks for the honesty of this video. Life is not one way. What works/doesn't work for others may work/not work for you. Follow your gut instinct. Do what is best for yourself and your kids. My son and I can't leave until Tuesday (it's saturday rn) because we need gas money to drive to my parents house.... and he was in his room crying because he wants to leave now. He's only 6. He hates his dad. He won't even ask him for food. Get out asap. Do what you have to do. But if you need to leave, just leave. You'll figure the rest out and eventually, you'll feel better. 💖
I don't mean any personal offense, but being a single parent is bad for the child.. very bad. The child will feel the absence of not having both their parents in the home. My heart aches for you if you do indeed have to leave an abusive spouse, but the pain for the child should not be discounted. They need their mom and dad even if it doesn't seem obvious to them. It's not just about you "feeling better", that is not what is necessarily best for the child (your happiness is not part of what is owed to your child).
My wife and I have only one thing in common now, only one goal we are focused on, and that is raising our young daughter to have her best future. We think that's best achieved by having both parents in the home, as miserable as we both might be. Does the child notice how miserable we are, how much bickering and arguing is going on? Of course. But is single parenthood the answer? Shared custody? We think not. So we set the clock: twenty years. We hope our kid will be on her own and we will go our separate ways.
I'm in the process of going through therapy and want to make it work. We have amazing days and terrible days but fear there is too much baggage to overcome. She sees things through a perspective that I simply cannot change no matter what I do or say. We have a 1 year old and don't know what to do. I don't want him to suffer. I don't want my wife to suffer. I don't want to suffer. Such a hard predicament to be in . . . I'm still in the stage of trying / wanting to make things work but it's like banging my head against a wall and I am legitimately miserable.
Leaving an unhealthy relationship for the kids’ sake, I believe is the right thing to do. However, I have the automatic thought about divorce not supposed to be being the fault of the children. How do you reconcile those two ideas?
The children know it's coming! HELL YEAH!!! I can feel, see, and finally understand that my Father is NOT happy with my mom. ANd after the divorce life is NEVER BEEN BETTER!!! I think stay in toxic relationship is horrible and pretend that your kids dont understand at all is very very insult their intellegence. hahahhahha... At least that's what I was thinking when I was a child. Sometimes I think: why those adult treat me like I'm stupid? I am a kid NOT a STUPID kid! :)) Thx for the video, Mel! :))
I’m dealing with this now. Our problem is we don’t wanna admit it! We care about each other we’re just not compatible at well..
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@@ojoojukwu8892 fuck off bot
How did you guys meet? If you don't mind my asking
I am in this same situation. We are not compatible at all! But unluckily I am the black sheep and it is my fault he says 🙄 How is your life right now if I may ask?
@@karmatshering5238 Damn! That sounds boring as hell. Sometimes you got married and didn't really know the person until years into the marriage. Sometimes divorce is the only way.
To avoid problems in marriage, never get married...
no no no, we must have a big lavish wedding to show off our wealth and give the illusion of our happiness to others. After the wedding when the marriage become difficult we can then go our separate ways
Jason Padilla: I disagree. Do you mean just move in together and not get married? I think a better idea is to choose a marriageable partner well. A successful courtship tests an individual. It can potentially weed out those who are just there for the good things. It's not marriage that is the problem. It's the best institution to bring up kids. The problem is not knowing the person you marry fully and not fixing our own wounded selves before being in a committed relationship
@@eierinjhoi Marriage is a suckers bet for men lets be honest. The risk is not worth the reward. Even a prenup can't save you.
Red pill ?
@@eierinjhoi why would you ever sign a contract(marriage) which your partner would benefit in breaking?
It is a nightmare honestly to live as a roommate with someone is called a spouse.
The problem with videos like this is overgeneralization
Exactly
Ohh how I felt this comment.
That's exactly what it is
@@tayoriginal4067 me 2
All these comments are making me feel better. I just filed and have 2 toddlers (2 & 3). I really didn't want to end our marriage, but I found it to be toxic sometimes as the level of disrespect for each other would grow in every argument. I love my wife, but I don't want our children to see us like this. We've had a lot of the same issues for years now, and Im just feeling burnt out. I pray anyone else going through this finds peace.
How’s it going now?
How you love her if you disrespect her? If she disrespect you, you can avoid it by not getting into conflict. If you are reciprocating, I won't say you are a lot better.
@@ana-maria448 not getting into conflict "many times" gets to be taken advantage of by the other side... I know this from personal experience... I did my best to be a father and got ignored... Unappreciated... Disrespected... All because she sees other people's success as our failure... There's just no contentment... It's a hard choice. It's a sacrifice of your real happiness, but sometimes, you have to let it go... In the end, it's all for the kids, not wanting them to always feel the trauma of seeing and hearing us in those unhealthy arguments.
How is it going now?
I highly suggest people look up and research into narcissism. Alot people are in relationship or married to narcissist but constantly be lied to by the narcissist to realize this. Do you want to know the first sign that you are??? You're always feeling drained! Mentally, emotionally, and physically.
I think that marriages that don’t work out should not stay just for the kids. I think living a lie could possibly be more damaging to the kids.
It is plus they learn to accept abuse.
My ex husband expected that marriages that aren't happy - you just do a cold war type of marriage. He did not at all like engaging in communication that wasn't "pleasant". I do believe he was a narcissist so living in this state of watching your parents never engage with each other - in a productive/loving marriage - he was more encouraged to cheat
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@@emokiriemiabednegoabed2844 totally a bs story and sales pitch
I think folk should focus on their kids and mutate themselves around them. You are dealing with another person for F Sake. Be human. Show compassion. Don’t stay married to a monster, show little folks how o be good. And most of all, don’t marry another child masquerading as an adult. Children need mothers and fathers... mentors. And child you may consider an ignoramus? That is your arrogance. A child will make you grow, as a person. Children are good. And so are you.
Well said! I was married and divorced after 5 years with two children. I think there is an enormous benefit to getting divorced when your children are very young. There is nothing worse then exposing them to a toxic marriage. I don’t know how people can stay in a bad marriage for a single month, let alone a decade!
There's no divorce here in my country, lucky for you. The male politicians here are afraid their wives would divorce them because they know it'll happen so they won't pass the divorce bill. Tons of horror stories of women in toxic and unhappy relationships.
why get married in the first place?
@@Langley_Ackerman19 you from the Philippines?
@@boston312 to have kids, that’s the only reason to get married.
@@Langley_Ackerman19 probably a middle eastern country.
As a teenager I was sooo relieved when my parents split. We all knew they didn't get along, so why force it? Finally the air was clear and everyone could move on. I wanted each of them to be happy not together at all cost.
Wish mine did it sooner
Well if you were that relieved obviously there was something insane going on like physical abuse mixed with yelling if your parents were quiet about their unhappiness and could actually sit together at the dinner table and you were happy to see them split then that's bizarre when my parents hooked up with their new partners that's when me and my brothers experienced are traumatic period of life. I'll be very careful persuading other people to get a divorce because you don't know if those people are capable of finding good partners I just because it worked out for your parent doesn't mean it'll work out for their parents I would never advise someone to get a divorce unless they were being physically abused
@@marioncobretti8210 My parents fought a lot, yes, but no there wasn't abuse. I was happy they split because I just knew they were not well matched. Much better to be separated than not to get along. Now they are friends and we have peaceful family gatherings and it's so much better than when they were a couple. I just recognized at an early age they were a bad match. There was zero violence or abuse though.
Just remember -anyone reading this- that we are all different-my sister took the separation very differently from me.
@@surlespasdondine exactly that's what the point I'm trying to make if your parents can't keep the peace then I can understand them getting a divorce because even if there's no physical abuse but they're screaming at each other or having very long drawn-out arguments in front of the kids that I can understand that however that can traumatize your kids and then the cherry on top is when you hook up with new people and those people Force themselves on your children like in my situation and in some situations start disciplining your kids because they believe in spanking that can really do some traumatization I'm 33 years old and I'm not going to lie I'm screwed up from what I went through as a kid and I do forgive my parents but I'm emotionally damaged to the point I have to see a psychiatrist to talk and get things off my chest over and over I feel unloved and I feel betrayed and I've had those thoughts in the past that nobody likes so just imagine if you're a mother or father do you want to create someone like me just so that you can have great sex the answer is you can wait until your kids are raised properly and out of the house or at least adults and I know not everybody hooks up for sex but my parents literally hooked up with their second partners for sex and my mother's second partner was a drunk abusive psychopath that hit me with a two-by-four and later we discovered he was still married when he first met my mother and he abandoned his adopted daughter. and I hate to say it guys but there's going to be more evil bad people out there than good people nowadays I mean the internet is horrible people have very low standards when it comes to relationships if you have innocent beautiful little children just let them be kids and focus entirely on them I promise you if you do it correctly it'll pay off in the long run but my mother and father even though I forgive them they're going to go to the cheapest Adult Day Care Home and I'm not going to check up on them
My friend told me that for her the day her parents divorced was one od the best days in her life. At last she could see her mother happy and feel good and safe at home. She hated the time when her parents were together as she saw and felt that they were unhappy.
Staying together because of kids is hurting them - you show and teach them that it is ok to stay in a relationship in which you feel terrible and no matter what you should continue it. That is worse than a divorce.
THIS! You nailed it!
I was happy when my parents finally got divorced
Absolutely
My mum said the same thing to me, the best day of her childhood was when her parents divorced. It's sad but when you see violence, abuse and constant fighting/disrespect/gaslighting you then start to think this behaviour is normal and that it's okay to be a doormat and allow them to continue.
Living a lie in front of my children I will not do it for another 9 years
How did you go??
Have you split now?
Grow up
@@TheCommonSensiblewhat do you mean grow up
@@Barrel4barrel I mean. Her entire statement is projection. Living a lie in front of your children? How about you grow up, choose to love, and choose to be a good mother.
Due to the onset of divorces being rampant since the 70's, and lack of marriages and more single parent homes. We have more research than ever that shows that "leaving for yourself" which is a product of radical self-love cult movements and radical individualism. Has led to more relationship issues, higher amounts of divorces, more problems wtih children, etc.
There is even data that backs up that most criminals, and most LGBTQ people come from broken families.
SHe doesn't want to live a "lie". When she is the one lying to herself, the grass is not greener on the other side. It almost never is. 80% of divorces are initiated by women, those women later on in life end up divorced again, have a severe lack of fulfillment, children usually resent or hate them, and they end up miserable in their later years.
The #1 issue for women in society today, is they don't recognize or check their own emotions or behaviors because radical movements like feminism and the woke movement have destroyed the idea of accountability, have destroyed the matrons of society, and have blended the idea that men and women are the same when they are not.
SO when i say grow up, I mean get over yourself, stop projecting, put your kids first, and putting your kids first is NOT PUTTING YOURSELF FIRST and destroying the stability and financial well being of your children over your petty emotions. Work on your marriage, go to a counselor, if it doesn't work, separate temporarily, and keep working on it. Because the chances of you finding someone else, and it working out is slim to none, because 2nd marriages skyrocket in divorce especially when women who have already divorced are involved, and they are likely to do it again. Because what you have shown, is that when things get tough, or you are depressed it isn't your fault it is someone elses.
I say stay together for your kids because as a father myself I know damn well that I am their best option for protection and love. No other man would ever be worthy of my two sons. I will never ever allow my sons lives to be in the hands of any man other than myself.
man i feel you, i cant imagine my son being with some boyfriend or stepdad, and nobody will protect them like me or his mother, maybe when my kids are older i'll divorce honestly thats how im thinking
My dad had the same personal views as you. The emotional damage it caused for us because of his selfishness really ruined our perspective on relationships and marriage. Our self esteem and self worth went down the drain. We had to see miserable, toxic and depressed parents rather than happy, emotionally stable and healthy parents. And trust me, it does feel like it’s our fault. Divorce is traumatizing but it’ll never be as bad as unhappy parents. Parents deserve happiness, parents deserve healthy marriages that reflect onto our future relationships as children. Our dad will always be our dad, no man can take his place. New boyfriends or girlfriends do not affect us but yourself.
Imagine having a daughter with an ex wife dating men from Juarez
@Sue Sue toxic ewww
@@alysgud exactly!! This guy is so selfish and sounds so egotistical. He’s looking at it from HIS perspective and not those of his kids. He’s using his kids to excuse his self-centeredness. It’s toxic as hell.
We split up yesterday. Kids decided to stay with me. She already had somebody else. I will put my kids in first place and give them best I can. I can tell I felt shit couldn't sleep all night,but now I feel bit relaxed and I'm pretty sure it will get better.
Maybe it’s because we like to see our kids every single day and not just part time
exactly
This video is devorce from a woman's perspective.
This is what happen to me.
How did you get over it?
Exactly, as a father divorce = your wife will get primary care giver role and you'll occasionally get to see them.
What's even more disturbing is outside of your sphere of protection and guidance, once you're on the side of the picture you may be in for some very nasty surprises.
1. You have no idea who she partners up with next, who will ultimately become more influential in your kids life than you, and soon they'll start calling him "Dad".
2. Her family will poison your kids against you, even if this is very subtle way.
3. She may just move and there's not much that can be done about this, making it even harder to see your kids.
@@blahdiblah2169 this is EXACTLY my reasoning as well. I'm a father myself and I know God damned well that no other man will love or protect my boys like I do.
I remember wishing my parents would get divorced when I was younger. It was awful knowing that they were only staying together because of me. They would scream at night in the living room thinking I was asleep, but I was sitting on the stairs listening to them night after night
This was my brothers and I, they slept in different bedrooms and still found ways to fight at 2 or 3 am. Vacation as a family was always painful. I just wanted it to stop.
Sadly I chose a partner with the same way of functioning. It felt familiar. And I stayed way too long for my 4 kids until 2 of them spoke up.
Their dad does not think it was that bad, at least he didn't hit me (his words).
We stepped away 1 ½ year ago and my kids are blooming, their personalities shining, the relationship between the 4 of them is so beautiful and my teens are just a delight to be around. I don't only love my kids and I, I like being around them and on my own.
We are pleasant company ❤
It was the hardest decision. It was scary not to know what would happen, but it has been the best decision for us.
@@claudychiron2432how long did it take for you to come grips with the guilt of the divorce? I’m just now separating, and it’s so damn hard to keep this together. I know it’s best for me and the kids. They don’t see what its it’s like for 2 people to love each other. I’m so worried for them, they are all girls, 4,7, and 8. Separate housing, we are doing one week on one week off. So every Sunday we are dropping them banx off. Financially it’s going to be even harder, living in Florida is very expensive. Any positive advice would be appreciated. Thanks
I have to say, I'm 22 years old now but I still remember how painful it can be in a house with two people who's amount of anger at each other overcomes the love they have for each other. Them staying together for us was what made everything feel like it was our fault, and it was just confusing with all of the pretending that things were okay in front of us and other people but hearing the yelling and screaming in the other room cause I was a lighter sleeper than my siblings. I remember one day I ran out into the hallway in tears apologizing for what I thought was my fault just cause I ended up telling my mom some info that made it obvious he was lying to her. I screamed and cried and told them I didn't mean to ruin everything. I can't tell you how much pain could have been avoided if they had just split up years before. I really wish they had seen something like this or talked to someone with these same kind of views on marriage. You are so great, I love watching you're videos! 💕
Still no excuse to divorce.
@@edie3902 Thanks for you're opinion, but I think I'll stick to listening to Mel. Have a nice day.
Wow.. so sad. Smh. Kids are very observant by nature. They see things that even adults can't. I know I did as a child. I hope all is well now with your parents relationship and I hope they at least have A relationship. And I also admire the fact that although you've went through what you went through, history may not repeat itself because you're educating yourself NOW.
@@lilmochalovefox480 it’s very traumatizing as children. Unless one has lived it, I don’t think they understand.
@@edie3902 cheating isn’t an excuse nor is abuse ? Well, good luck to you! I absolutely resuse to accept being mistreated especially if the other person isn’t trying to save our marriage as well.
What if divorce will mean the kids will live in poverty and be with one parent half the time who is completely irresponsible (he's diagnosed bipolar and refuses meds). I would leave if I could afford to and he was a decent parent. For now we are roommates which is the best I can do under the circumstances. At least with me there all the time there's an adult to turn off the oven, lock the doors, bathe the kids, help them with their homework, and pay the bills. I know it's not optimal but optimal (two parents who love each other) isn't an option that I have anymore. I have two bad choices and have to take the lesser of the two evils.
Gosh I feel for you and your kids... I grew up in a poverty stricken home, but I also felt all the love I needed. when I grew up in that kind of life, we are able to appreciate things more readily, worked harder for what we wanted and were proud of what was accomplished! If you do leave, please know that there are organizations out there that will help families with children! you might have to do a little work to find those organizations, but they are there to help you and your kids!
Maybe work on building a support system for yourself so you can leave in a year or two. You probably don't want to end up like the other commentor. Don't make this just about the kids. YOUR life is important, too. YOUR happiness and your future are incredibly important. Churches are a great way to build a strong support system if you don't have family nearby. Join a church, build relationships and friendships, seek out other organizations and systems you can take advantage of in your area/state when you leave, and prep the kids. They'd probably like to leave, too. I wish you all the best in life. I know that the darkness can be all-consuming at times and my heart goes out to you. I clawed my way out, and I pray you do too. ♥
Di Life and Style it’s not just about support. It’s also about protecting the children from their father, who will get half the time with them after the divorce.
I do feel for you. And I understand your predicament. Is there a chance that you can go to school at least part-time? People with disorders have a tendency to straighten up at least marginally if they know that their spouse is working on options. I still wouldn't leave him because if you do, your children will spend time with him unsupervised. And as you say, they will end up with no parents. Sometimes just letting him know that you are not without options, that you are perfectly capable of building a life on your own will cause them to reevaluate their behavior. You are exactly the kind of person I would love to be able to work with. It takes a very strong person to do what's before you. I still don't recommend divorce. Believe it or not, he's better than no parent or another parent. Broadening your horizons will change you as well. and really? The bottom line is, you're the one who needs to change. I know that's a hard pill, but once you move that direction, you will see what I mean.
Smart choice, thanks for sharing. You are wise! Don’t listen to the standard line if it doesn’t fit your situation.
This was the worse reason for my parents to have stayed together. It made everything disastrous between me, my siblings and the entire family dynamic. Years later we kids were taken under custody ward of the court, became foster children and resented the hell out of our parents. We are all adults now, never speaking to our father and bonding pretty closely with our mother. I believe we all would've been healthier and happier with our parents divorced and being mature enough to work out differences for our sake. I begged my mom to divorce my dad at 11 years old. Welp.
I told my mom to divorce too, they now live separate although not officially divorced but she did it after me and my brother were over 18, I told her to divorce when we were 7-10... In our case it wasn't such a bad situation but she was unhappy and that's what I hate the most, to think they wasted so many years of their lifes together making each other unhappy
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I’m sorry
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When I was about ten years old, I started to pray for my parents to get a divorce. My parents fought all the time and it was horrible. I wished they would have divorced to make me happy. My parents staying together was the worst and I have a lot of bad memories because of it. I have issues I still have to deal with because of this. Hearing “staying for the kids makes me sick”.
On the bright side, my dad did move out years later and because he moved, my parents became friends. And they ended up getting along as friends living apart. And now, my dad passed away last year, by my mom talks about him as how good friends they were. So, good things can come from horrible situations!!
So well put! It's interesting how people act differently when they're operating from a different POV. Oftentimes, married people would like the option of just being friends, and once separated, they're able to do so by being more honest, having given up the facade . People that are in love don't try to convince themselves they are everyday. If you see yourself more as a friend, or, feel constant disdain in a marriage, you shouldn't be married.
Natural Beauty Within. You’re correct. Well said.
Thank you for sharing your story. It means a lot for me at this timing
Every situation is different, but I can tell you my wife and I have had rough patches that we worked through. We're very happy now, and it's mostly because we're financially stable now! So much resentment comes from partners not carrying their own weight. (For example working parents sometimes feel that caretaker parents don't do enough and that resentment builds.)
So true! Thank you for all your input! I am glad it worked out well with my parents in the end!
She lost me at “using your kids to avoid a difficult conversation.” I’m sure that happens, but I just found out my wife had slept with my step brother for 2 years. And I look at those little faces and can’t imagine making a decision that could negatively impact their shot at having the best life the possible. I’d venture to guess when most people want to stay “for the kids” it’s because of a genuine concern for their development, and the need (as a parent) to make decisions for them before yourself.
man thats a tough situation. Best of luck to you
Believe it or not, kids can actually be surprisingly resilient. I'm not saying it's easy of course. And maybe some kids may have a harder time adjusting and coping than others.
Without question, divorce is traumatic but so is remaining in an emotionally disconnected relationship. Kids can also be pretty perceptive and pick up on the energy of the surrounding atmosphere of your interactions. And, it does affect them. What they witness with their own parents teaches them what to expect in relationships as adults.
I don't think that choosing martyrdom for the kids will do a whole lot of good either because by doing that, you’ll be teaching them that marriage is about being miserable and disliking your spouse. An unhappy marriage affects the relationship of the whole family dynamic because it can take its toll on the parents and compromise their ability to be fully present for their kids because they're emotionally, mentally and physically drained, all the time. Instead of putting in the work to try to fix things or to divorce respectfully, you both just end up going with the flow and accepting your unhappiness as a fact of your life. By doing that, you’re choosing to live in fear and settle for mediocrity, and teaching your kids that’s what they can expect from life, too. When all we are doing is tolerating our partner, we are modeling unhappy, tension-filled, emotionally guarded behavior that kids internalize and carry with them into their adult relationships. It can become normalized for them that relationships are often joyless experiences where the answer to conflict is to sweep it under the rug and not address it.
I'm a child of divorce and yes, it was hard on me for a while. But looking back on it now, it wouldn't have been much better if they stayed together either.
I'd say it’s healthier for a child to be in a happy home with only one parent, than in a two-parent home where both people are miserable.
Ultimately, it's up to you to decide what you're gonna do but that's my 2 cents.
She didn't lose me, but I didn't agree with that point either, I stayed to save my youngins the pain of separation. My folks split in a way that was really traumatic for me so I used alcohol to medicate, it was a dark time, so i was scared to put mine through that. Much bigger fear than just having the tough convo. But she's right in that I'm not doing my kids any favors by staying in and modeling an unhealthy relationship. They'd probably rather see their parents happy. Once I got thru it I was glad that my parents split- they were happier. But I hope to do it so gently. Definitely gonna do the sit down and talk way instead of a casual "Oh your dad is spending Christmas with his new girlfriend" way like I was dealt- don't do it that way. lol
I agree
You're not wrong either. Divorce is hard on kids and people who claim kids are resilient, well it very much depends on the kid and on how the divorce is handled. But a sensitive kid and a messy divorce is how things usually go down.
Her whole argument is based on her assumption that parents are using their kids as an excuse to stay in an unhappy marriage, which is just a very shallow conclusion to reach. Also her black and white dissection shows a real lack of depth and maturity.
In the real world, sometimes it really is better to stay together during tough times, even if that reason is just for the kids. Also relationships can even improve over time.
Being with my husband 24/7 because of the pandemic has solidified my belief that our marriage is over. I feel nothing but resentment and anger for him. Wish I can start working back in the office so I don't see him all the time.
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@@kennethmarvin419 Cringe
@@kennethmarvin419 f cringe lol
You’re assuming parents will be happy if/when they get divorced. My parents were miserable, unhappy people, period. Didn’t matter if they stayed married or got divorced. Thankfully they remained married because if I got shuffled between two households every weekend I’m the one that would have ended up miserable.
Thank you! I was miserable!
There's a difference between living in the same house, and working towards a good life. You need to have a little compassion for your parents. There wasn't a lot of counseling out there for this when you were young. The answer was as this woman says in the video. Just divorced. They literally would push it. There are options and you can learn from this. Be kind towards the memory of your parents. Believe me. There just weren't very many resources
4
U r a bloody selfish loser to ruin ur parents individual life.. nonsense
How do you even leave in this economy. I’ve looked for assistance everywhere…. Nothing. How will I make enough to support us, and still be a mom?
It’s even harder when you know that your partner will no longer be in your children’s life if you separate….. it feels like it’s your fault that your kids will have no relationship with their father because you wanted a divorce.
If you wanted the divorce then it is your fault. Marriages take a lot of work, if you are too selfish to put in the work then don't have kids. Children don't ask to be here and its women who selfishly cause them to have to grow up in broken homes..
@@marlowstanfield6815 that's harsh. If there is abuse in a relationship then the abused should leave. If someone cheats you have the choice and right to want a divorce. If you fall out of love and can't get on ....many reasons. I'm sure most people try and try until it reaches the point of divorce. I met my husband when I was 15 I was young and naive. I've changed. My expectations have changed and I know my worth. Yes work at marriage but
I'm 30 years married ,been cheated on been treated like rubbish ,I've given my all. My husband has MH issues and it's a hard life very difficult to live with but my kids are settled in school and happy so as soon as they are grown I'm done ! He wasn't diagnosed until after we had children my eldest is 28. As soon as the youngest is grown I'm running out the door. I think these days marriage is not necessary. Be free.
@@marlowstanfield6815 I haven’t left him. We are still together for the kids. It’s a toxic situation for everyone involved but we are still in it nonetheless…. Everyone is traumatized except him because he gets to be the king who does whatever he wants whenever he wants. Sucks for us, be at least he’s happy.
@@cocoalaux4495 Okay, maybe my comment was a bit harsh, at the time I was going threw my own stuff. It does make sense to leave if he's abusive or cheating on you, but a lot of times women leave just because the relationship isn't perfect, my point is no relationship in the history of Mankind is perfect, none are easy, they all take hard work. An if kids are involved, you should do everything you possibly can to make sure they have both parents full time..
I needed to hear this today, I think I’ve been hearing it for years now, but I wasn’t ready for the reception. I am now, and I am ready to make the changes.
Literally going through this at this very moment. Thank you, Mel. I really needed to hear this ❤
Same here I have been living in misery!!
❤❤❤
Thanks for this, ive been married for 16 years and even thou not been for therapy. I know its over and have taken that step and told my wife. My son is 14 and long term what he has left of his childhood im hoping it will be slightly happier in the home for him, we just dont get on. Should have done it 8 years ago and have that regret.
Reset your mind, if you have problems of not feeling happy or fulfilled : you need to fix yourself ! You will eventually feel that way in a new relationship- after the hormone honey moon phase -
Begins by being grateful
I don't see how this in any way shape or form relates to those who are married to addicts, abusers, criminals, adulterers and other disordered people. Fact is...you can't save a marriage with one hand clapping. Not praying, nor self-improvement is going to save something like this.
That said, self improvement and working on your issues is always a good idea, if done for yourself.
Problem in your scenario is : with our laws, the abusers, addicts, mentally sick people ... STILL GET ACCESS TO THEIR KIDS.. therefore if you have kids you better make the sacrifice to at least stay until they are old enough not to be affected by their abuse and neglect - OR ELSE YOU ARE MAKING THE DECISION TO MAKE MORE ADDICTS , abusers and mentally ill people
@@wren7182 soooo what is your solution when the courts give access to the little little kids who can't defend themselves from the addict, neglectful, abusive parent ? because I have seen and heard of dozens of cases in which they still get visitation and time with them and those behaviours continue - if you as the adult made a bad decision : abandoning your kids to their fate is not fixing your mistake - put your big boy/girl pants on and stick it out until they are old enough to defend themselves OR the other parent doesn't get access to them anymore - they are the collateral damage for your cowardice
If you're with somebody and your unhappiness is relatively quiet and you guys aren't yelling at each other and you're not beating each other your kids probably have no idea that you guys are unhappy and to be honest kids are kind of selfish they're not really going to care if they find out because they want to be kids they want enjoy themselves because they're not kids forever. Now what nobody ever tells you is that the second person you hook up with is guaranteed to make everything better in fact you should do research on what are the odds that that second person won't be worse than the first. And let me ask you this because I went through it myself what do you think is more traumatic your parents being unhappy but staying together so that you can have a childhood or your parents splitting up getting with new people and God forbid those new people abused your children. For any women out there considering leaving their husbands I hope you don't have daughters because guess what your new partner who fell in love with you is going to think your daughter looks like you do you really trust him around your daughter when she goes through puberty I mean she's going to look like you but younger version. The last thing I'm going to say is this if your husband or wife he's abusing you then your kids are already traumatized the solution is not get with another person and traumatize them again or risk traumatizing them again the solution is divorce and stay single and focus on rehabilitating your children
Kids don't always know it's coming...I remember vividly the day my parents told us they were getting divorced...the shock hit me like a ton of bricks at 8 yrs old.
I agree! Mel, as many have a tendency to do, make such assumptions when they are trying to drive home a point and even more so when the point that they are driving may seem shocking to listeners. I cringe whenever I hear stuff like this because it still hurts imagining 'that' conversation even now at 43!
Ultimately, the message is that it’s more detrimental for a child to be raised witnessing a toxic or unhealthy connection, than having to deal with the trauma of experiencing your parents deciding to part ways and coparent separately. As someone who grew up with parents who “stayed together for the kids” and spent every day of my childhood in separate rooms, never date nights, no vacations, no family time together because they didn’t enjoy each other-- I can confirm it was brutal. I used to wish they would divorce.
Guilt and shame will keep ya there thats for sure !!!! This video sure hit the nail on the head!!! Gotta play it few more times !!!
Mel, you bring me back to life lil by lil each day…. I am so thankful for your videos on everything. It gives me so much hope and strength.
When my 4 yo said don't make mommy cry, I knew that my marriage was over. I love him more than anything, and want to be happy for him and me.
I was a child in a Loveless marriage. It was the biggest mistake that my parents could have ever made for my life. My mother was bipolar and dad was functional depressed, so they were both emotionally unavailable. My mom would ask the children who they wa Ted to live with and would become violent toward us if we said we want to live with Dad. I hated my childhood and I responded to the traumas frequently on my adult life's journey. 💔❤️🩹💔
U forgot to mention how expensive divorce really is this is why millions of men like my father stay in loveless sexless heartless marriage but then they can’t understand why I DONT EVER want to be married
I hope more people realize that staying for the children is sometimes not the best option. Please think of your mental health and the rest of your life in peace. As well as not being used for financial reasons, other resources or connections. Blessings and love. ❤✨️
I really needed to hear this. I'm married to a narcissist and he constantly puts it back on me if I express that I want to separate (he pretty abusive, mainly verbal but has gotten physical a few times). He tells me I'm going to 'mess up our son' and ruin everything. That I wont be able to recreate this life style without him (being with someone, building a home etc.)
This has made me put off trying to leave for the last 18 months :(
I don't stay only because of my kids. I stay because they are the only ones that bring me peace and happiness. I can't let go of my happy place.
Well have fun in your miserable marriage with happy children.
I don't think you realize how selfish that sounds?
Thank you for this clear guidance.
Children are extremely sensitive and sense every nuance of feeling in parents. Whatever tension exists between spouses children feel
it 100 times stronger, are deeply affected by it , and internalize responsibility for it as "their fault". You may feel that you and your spouse are as cool and polite as a dowager duchess on the surface, but your children feel your anger, contempt, and despair. Spare your children the awful experience of growing up in the dark shadow of a bad marriage. If you and your spouse need a divorce get one for the sake of your children. Model good self-care and self-actualization for them instead of letting them see you seethe through years of misery just to hold a traditional
role
sorry to infringe on your privacy,Its said that 'A picture is worth a thousand words, but when I saw a photo of you, it was more than words could explain.Your profile is irresistible,though a little personal message but your look tells a lot about a nice person...so i had to drop a message to the charming person with this great profile.Just want to know you better and be a friend
I was the kid that had their parents stay because of us. Trust, the abandonment and the hell I went through was traumatic. I would have preferred them divorce each other than the hell we went through with them together. Back then there therapy was not as available as it is now. So, kids who are going through therapy are lucky. Don't waste your time in a marriage if it is over. Everyone will suffer if you stay. Find your happy and everyone lives a much better life around you.
Exactly!!!!
Currently in my marriage of 4 years and I feel completely stupid for having proposed all those years ago. She was a completely different person before we got married and now she’s crabby, narcissistic, disrespectful, ungrateful, and always finds something to complain about. I never cheated, I work a 9-5, pay bills, come home everyday, I love spending time with our daughter, and it still isn’t enough. I just buried my father last week and got little to no support from her…. IM TIRED! But I find myself staying for my daughter who I don’t want to be away from
@@yeussean yea I’m still here and she’s seeing a therapist. I essentially gave her an ultimatum and once I explained the reality of the situation she realized she had to make a choice
To lebrontraveled24 your marrage sounds like a carbon copy of mine, I'll bet theres a.lot of them just like that
@@Chuncy566 that sucks to hear man. I’m starting to accept the idea that things just won’t get better. We’re still in the same situation a year later.
Men, do not hesitate for one moment to put a restraining order against your female partner if you feel your safety and health is in jeopardy. Placing a permanent restraining order on my female ex-partner was absolutely the wisest protective move of my adult lifetime. My only regret is not doing it years earlier. Men, be safe!
I know a couple who are stuck together because they have to care for their two disabled children (genetic disease). Their marriage was dead long before the kids were even born, ironically, they thought having kids will fix their marriage. This sure did “fix” it.
My advice to anyone with healthy children: really don’t hide behind them! They will understand and will support you. And be grateful you are not in a situation where leaving is not an option.
Marriage is for children, why are you trying to separate the two? You could have both had a romantic relationship without getting married, but you decided to form a union and start a family. Try to find ways to take the pressure off the marriage and make things work. Only divorce if it's a major deal - marriage is bigger than the two of you. That's the point of marriage - it's not just about you two anymore.
Getting divorced is also for the children. Often times it’s better.
They also dones studies on how old the kids are and how it severely traumatizes them all depending on what age and gender. I’m sorry, but have you ever been divorced? With children? I don’t think so.
FINALLY this is exactly what I have learned! Wonderful explanation. Best to all.
I will NEVER get married again. They say "never say never", well I'm saying NEVER.
I don't think I would rule it out entirely, however I would be at least a thousand times more selective, and scrutinize all the details.
One big thing about marriage people underplay is the inlaws you end up taking on. They end up playing a massive role in your life, and if they're weak or bad family it can make or break your marriage experience, especially when your partner's priorities are wrong.
Another thing is actually being with a person who just gets you. You can literally be married to someone for decades and the wrong person will still not understand you.
But perhaps above all things is being with someone who can openly admit to their mistakes, and take responsibility for them. Someone who can make genuine apologies.
yes just fuck around and love yourself unconditionally🤭,marriage is traumatizing.
There is absolutely no reason to marry as a man. It's a situation where you can lose everything you've worked for, seeing your children everyday, your retirement, your health, everything... all based on her decisions and actions. The courts are against you because you're a man, she will be viewed as the victim no matter what you say or do. Your children will suffer and potentially be raised by another man, who will probably live in your home and drive the car you bought, mow the lawn with your lawnmower, and tuck your kids at night. This is while you're "allowed" to see your own children on "approved" times as you work two jobs now to pay child support and alimony. Nah... taking a hard pass on any future marriage.
Amen
@tsgtozzy sounds like you got a snoot full of it to me
The reason i stay is because im scared if i divorce his toxic family will have more access to our precious daughter than they do now if im at home and can protect her from them. I feel if im not here to protect her something bad will happen to her...
I agree. If you are miserable early on chances are it won’t get any better. I wish I had left when my children were young. They have only seen me stressed. Living with my husband who has mental illness was not easy and still isn’t. It sucked the joy out of a lot of things.
Also, anyone who doesn’t like their future in laws now… run far and fast. If you sense they will be putting their nose into your marriage at every turn… RUN.. life is too short to be miserable! Be good to yourself.
Are you still with him ?
So true ❤ it takes a lot to get divorced when you have kids. And another thing is being in an unhealthy marriage because of the kids lead to slavery and the kids will definitely grow up not knowing fully what love is because love starts at home.
The thing for me is that the times we spend together with the kids are when she sees why she likes me. Without going into to much detail we both know first hand what it will do to the kids to separate. It'd be one thing if it was mutual and both of us remained single and worked on ourselves and knew for a fact that there was no third party in action but that's not my situation and it's breaking me. I know the logic spread about how you can't place blame on the third party because they're just acting on an opportunity or if it wasn't them it'd be someone else. Yes kids need to see an example of heathly love but also of healthy management of conflict and to me that example isn't shown by either parent starting a relationship with someone else whilst they live together or are dependent or expectant on the other parent to provide anything for them financially or otherwise. That teaches your kids that it's OK to get what you want or need in any moment out of someone and get your other needs met elsewhere without consequence or responsibility. That teaches your kids that it's OK to use and abuse other people. It teaches your kids that it's OK to only have people in their life for what they can get out of them. It's so much deeper than "staying together for or because of the kids" it's the message and example that are given to the kids of what your actions and behaviors are towards your "partner". We teach out kids to finish one task before starting another, to clean up one mess before making another... What kind of example is being set when one starts a new relationship whilst still living with and having any sort of depence or expectation to provide anything to them that was established or understood because of people being in a relationship?! Mommy can go see and sleep with other people but still has a place to go home to that's not provided by the third party. Mommy gets to have whatever life she wants provided by someone she says she's not with under the guise of its what's best for the kids or for the kids?! I'd do anything for my kids but it disgust me when anyone gets a "grass is greener" feeling and feels entitled to take anything or threaten to take anything especially when the other partner is willing and wanting to work it out and especially when abuse is not a factor. I know for my own sake I need to stop feeling like the victim... Our kids ultimately are the victims and shame on anyone that would use them as pawns to justify or bring themselves any sort of gain of any kind
I am going through exactly the same thing you are.
this is the most sensible discussion I have heard on this topic, thank you
I internalize my father saying since I was a child that he stayed because of me and my sister, even today he tries to use me as his psychologist, and get really angry when I don't wanna talk about his marriage, he once said: "you don't do anything, your Mother is screaming with me", and I really thought that I should do something, but these days I know, marriage is between 2 people, is not the concern of their children.
Thank you for this very real conversation on divorce.
So true. My parents divorced when I was 7 and I say over and over again that I am so grateful they did. It was the single best thing they have ever done for my sister and I.
I was old enough when it happened to remember how things were before the divorce, and it was honestly horrible. The constant fighting and resentment between them was so terrible.
Because of their divorce, I got to see what a normal, healthy, supportive relationship was like. My dad ended up dating an incredible and amazing woman for a several years and without that I genuinely wouldn't know what a healthy relationship is. Even though they aren't together anymore romantically, they still live together and are absolute best friends who have nothing but love and respect for one another, and it's honestly the most inspiring thing to me.
My mom on the other hand married an absolute asshole and now after 10 years of failing to try to make it work she is finally divorcing him. I really try not to hold it against her, but both my sister and I were moved to a different country for her to be with this guy, and it was absolute hell the entire time. I only had to live with it for 4 years until I moved out, but my poor little sister had to endure it until last year when my mom finally left him.
Moral of the story, if anything.. please get the divorce FOR the kids. I guarantee it will be way better for them in the long run. AND it will show them how to respect themselves enough to do what's best for them. I wish there wasnt such a stigma around divorce. My parents divorce and my moms recent divorce are literally 2 of the things I am most thankful for in the world.
Thank you. I needed to read this.
@@majawolfe3241 💕💕 I wish you all the best
wow so inspiring
OMG!! your story sounds horrible. Your family broke up so you and your sister can live with some foreign asshole and being away from your father and that is what your most thankful for. How about your mom and dad not being so damn selfish and put the bickering aside and be adults for the betterment of the children.
Yes, staying married for the kids involves a commitment to negotiation, collaboration, and sacrifice. Your children are the very reason you entered into this union, and prioritizing their well-being is a selfless act that can foster stability and security in their lives. Embracing this journey with resilience and empathy not only strengthens your family unit but also sets a powerful example of love and dedication for your children to emulate in their own lives.
Why don't you learn to re love your spouse for them, yourself and then for your kids. LOVE IS A CHOICE. "You do you" culture is destroying families.
I 💯 percent agree. If you are unhappy unless you divorce then the problem is you and not the other person.
That's what you tell yourself when you marry the wrong person.
Saying that you're using your kids as an excuse not to do anything is probably one of the most un-empathetic things I've ever heard. Wanting to end a marriage and not being able to, or not wanting to because one really cares about one’s children, wanting to make sure that they are OK, and that one is not making a decision that would be regretted for years to come, is not silly, foolish, or selfish in any way. If one is the male in the relationship, it is hard not to think about if the new stepdad is going to really care for them or not. I know a family where the stepdad sexually abused his stepdaughters. Not to mention physical abuse and insensitivity towards children. This is very common. The fact that the person has a hard time making this decision says that this person really cares what happens to his or her children. I know you hate it when people tell you this but there's usually a good reason for it. My point is that it is not that the person is using the children not to get divorced, but rather, they are a huge piece of a complicated situation that must not be ignored during a life changing event and this person is coming to you for a good sound advice and not for you to insult their legitimate concerns.
🎉 surely a complicated situation, if children are involved 😢alot if care must be assumed.
Divorcing while pregnant.....just worried I'm going to still be miserable due to the hurt and don't want my boy to have a bitter mom.......regardless, you're right Mel. Thanks for doing this video.
sorry to infringe on your privacy,Its said that 'A picture is worth a thousand words, but when I saw a photo of you, it was more than words could explain.Your profile is irresistible,though a little personal message but your look tells a lot about a nice person...so i had to drop a message to the charming person with this great profile.Just want to know you better and be a friend
Hey hey. How are you doing??
Divorce *DO* scares kids for life, because parents are the best role models. I will never enter marriage, because the effect the divorce did to my parents and my siblings.
I have to disagree. My children didn't want to leave their father, so I stayed. When they were teenagers, then we split, but young children need a steady environment and two parents. You need a better reason then not being happy. Suck it up for the kids. If you can't do it, divorce, but if you can you should.
If you are in a combative or abusive relationship, it is better to split, but if you can keep a civil home, it is better for the kids if you stay in the same house from what I have learned.
My husband doesn't believe in therapy. He avoids any conversations about our relationship. When my son gets a little older... We will decide. It's expensive out there. I can't afford to live by myself!
A serious amount of disengagement and disinterest.
Have you tried washing his feet, cooking him dinner, supporting him and being submissive to him. Helping him up not bringing him down. I know if you do these things his attitude towards you will change 180.
Don’t wait til your son is older. It will be more sad for him. There are women’s resources out there that can help you find a low income apartment and even help you find a job. That’s what I did. My husband is exactly like yours and I would not stand by and participate in disrespect and loveless relationship. You got to love yourself and your son enough to know you deserve to be happy and that happiness will trickle down to your son since being a happy mom is better than being a miserable mom.
@@patriotgains7455 supporting him how? If he wants to go mountain biking out west with his friends, I arrange to take a week off work to be home to care for my son so he can. Otherwise he's very self sufficient. Wash his feet?? Umm... No. To the other person... I have a decent job but it's VERY expensive to live in this state! We get by. I'm menopausal now so... Whatever
@@patriotgains7455 Have you tried... thinking before commenting?
Divorce DOES scar kids for life, bc at least ONE parent has to abandon the kids. These are spiritual side effects. There’s very little difference.
this is her best work here! THANK YOU!
thank you for your work
As a man you will likely see your kids a lot less if you dissolve the marriage unless you're able to prove she is unfit. Unless you're willing to have every other weekend, every other holiday, and a couple weeks in the summer you might need to consult a lawyer first to see where it would land legally in your state w/ custody. It sounds idealistic to go for your happiness but you have to weigh that vs. time w/ your kids.
Yes, that's true actually both ways. There is no win when it comes to divorce and children. It is so damaging. To all involved. This woman who made this video I know is well meaning. She doesn't like to see people in pain and I don't either, but you got into this situation and ditching it just isn't the answer. It leaves way too big a mess. And you're likely to end up in one even worse.
This requires a high level of self-deception as well as deception of the others. Because very often, once your spouse figures out you are done, the atmosphere in the house will dissolve very quickly and you'll soon be forced to go anyway, if nothing else so the kids can finally stop hurting.
It is very rare that two parents are so self-aware and so mature about this, that they will sit down and hammer out a good roommate agreement and stick to it. Even more rare than having a friendly divorce.
Unless your like my Dad who refused to leave us kids & his house so my mum left us all.
@@wren7182 ...your kind of describing my home. We never truly said those words but, that's how we live. Roommates and business partners, who want what's best for the kids. She knows I'd prefer to leave. As weird as it sounds, it's what's keeping us together.
50/50 custody.means tbat both parents have time with kids and time to focus on their career. It sounds divine to me.
My parents divorced, and I was only 5 at the time. I admit it was the right thing for my mother to do, and don't think therapy would have helped their situation.
However, it did traumatize me. Almost 40 years later, I'm still feeling the effects and unpacking how it, and circumstances surrounding it, impacted me for decades... Wish I had got into therapy much sooner than I did, because it does help, somewhat. But the fear of abandonment, I don't know if that will ever go away.
This really hits home. The pain for me is severe. Talking about over 20 years of neglect. I watch our six children did all the cooking while she spends hours shopping. After shopping she spends 6, 7, 11, 14 hours with her mother and sister. She talks on the phone with other people more than she does with me and uses work as an excuse not to show me any affection. After years go by I found out that she's a narcissist. I think that pretty much says it all. P.S. I never thought women could be so violent to their own children. Punching and kicking children in the chest and face. What would posses a woman to do such evil acts? After studying about narcissistic women I understand more now about cluster B personality disorders. I keep asking her for a divorce and she keeps telling me no.
Same here brother smh
Seriously she probably just doesn't want you to get any ideas and put another baby in her! Apparently you're irresistible.
Well she must not be that bad if you have six kids by the woman 🤔😳 maybe check on her mental health?
@@magicallyme96 I did. She has DSM5
@@georgejgilles.3999 you should take a step, divorce her, let her happy, Im happy after my ex-husband divorce me and I remarry again, he still call me everytime make my new husband mad and angry, my ex-husband should remarry again and let me happy
so you think by divorcing, the kids will now see you as happy? Lawyers and courts will remove your ability to "deal with something scary" and I doubt it will be "better." Conflict, disinterest and disengagement can happen in the most successful marriages. You have an obligation to do right by your children! Once you have children together you are bound together for life. Internet experts are dangerous and mostly wrong.
Mel, this is a lot to take in. Worth listening to your advice a couple of times. Thank you for sharing it on UA-cam
Thank you I really needed this.
Well actually, I'm a psychologist and the cold hard truth is, statistically, children do better in marriages that stay together. It is not an excuse. That's the numbers. I really resent that you would take such a flippant attitude towards people who choose to stay for the kids. I did exactly that. My son is now 29 years old and he's heads above his friends. You make your own happiness. You married this person. Take responsibility. If you don't have children, then do whatever you want, but if you do, you find a way to make it work. Unless he's hurting you, make it work. It is not 'immature' to do so, in fact, it actually takes a great deal of maturity.
Completely agree, if you are messed up in the relationship.. you will be in all others - fix you’re self and reset your mind
I don’t agree with this at all. If the relationship doesn’t work and they’ve tried to fix it and the relationship is dead and there’s no love, why do you have to live a miserable life? Do you think your kids won’t notice? They leave and make their own life. Then what? You wasted your life in a miserable marriage, basically trying to milk a dead cow. Im sorry, but your advice is terrible.
ConstantCompanion your last sentence says it all. Unfortunately marriages don’t die just out of boredom. And statistics has little to do with real life. I do have a friend who stayed in a marriage for a while and it worked out well for the kids. But I also know of situations where it did not. It takes two people to make a marriage bearable. I am glad it worked out for you.
I agree with this 100%
That is correct in my studies it's the opposite of what she said, a lot also depends on the kids ages when parents separate and divorce.
I hate my marriage life it's soo miserable I'm unable to do anything because my son is 5 years and we both love each other so much. I can't imagine what would happen to him and to me if I go for divorce... ANY ADVICE PLEASE...
My parents got divorced after 27 years of marriage, and I’m sorry buttttt it absolutely did scar me for life…. I’m 30 still scared they divorced when I was 10…and I feel like all 5 of us kids of theirs literally are scarred and our family was ripped open in such bad ways and it’s horrible bc my parents STILL aren’t happy even after leaving each other. LASTLY. We all ended up in bad relationships/marriages except ONE of us. It really can create a cycle…… :( so sad.
On your opinion as the child would you rather they stayed even of theyre completely unhappy with each other?
Don't be sorry, you've told your truth! Your story will help others, namaste.
Most of the time after divorce the child loses one of the parents. When the divorce is done the father will most likely no longer be in the child's life. So basically you are saying the child is better off with one parent. When a child loses a parent it won't be good for them...
As a child of divorced parents, I can say it completely shattered the family, but at the same time I was so happy for my mum finally leaving my Dad after being miserable for years. The sad thing is she left all of us in the end due to her mental health including 4 young children with the support & encouragement of her therapist.
Wow.... like why did her mental health go like that? Do you think it had anything to do with the divorce? If you don't mind me asking?
I envy people without children. Ive never been that lucky. But if your in a relationship with no children; You have an easier transition out.
I married a personality disordered man, stayed with him nearly 20 years, trying, hoping and praying things would get better, they never did, I repeated co dependent toxic life patterns because u did not know then what I know now and I am from parents I prayed daily would divorce because it was so crazy hateful I am going to therapy at 51 to try to heal
Don't marry someone thinking you can change them.
I understand what you went through. I have had toxic relationships in my younger days. Today we have much more openness, information about everything. There's too much to say.. Warm greetings and love from Europe ❤️
These situations are so difficult though to understand. Sometimes their is no answer, because it’s as vague for the parents as it is for the kids. Especially when you’re inclined to favor one parent more, and then it starts to even out. Divorce is hell, but so is having fighting parents. I think the best way to solve it is to ask the kids which parent they like more. It doesn’t matter what the parent wants, or what they think is fair. If the kids want to live with their mom, let them, and the dad can move on. Like, why are parents so captivated to play hot potato with their kids. It only hurts the kids more, and what the parent wants isn’t really important
I am a child of divorce. My life has been a living hell for the last 25 years. Divorce for children never ends. I would’ve given anything for my parents to find a way to work out. Stay in it for your kids.
I understand that you are speaking from your experience but I would say it depends on the context. If there is abuse involved for instance I don’t think it is wise for them to stay together. Furthermore, children being exposed to a toxic marriage is just as destructive too
Sorry if i have a million kids for i man and i am unhappy and uncomfortable i am not staying in it. At the end of the day sometimes you got to put yourself first. I have seen a lot of people living there life a lie. I love my kids but at the end of the day i have to think about my well being too!
@@mb4635 No, it isn't. He's right about divorce never being "over" for the child. It shows up at every graduation, birthday, holiday, wedding, you name it. The fact that parents think their happiness is the most important thing for their child is just a delusion. Kids need to see their parents act with humility and determination in keeping their family together. Gaslighting and silencing children of divorce who speak the truth about their parent's divorce being a living hell only serves to keep society oblivious to the reality of divorce for children. And no one is saying stay in a marriage where there is abuse. Safety must be a priority. However, adults seem to think that their "happiness" is something of the utmost importance when it isn't. Their children's happiness and family are.
Perhaps the question isnt framed correctly. What if they meant to ask, "how can i move on without being with my kids?". That seems to be the hardest thing by far. What if that hurts the kids more than a crappy marriage?? How can you know??
Kids dont care if you have a crappy or love less marriage. Kids need their mother and father in the same house putting them before themselves. Thats what marrriage and having kids is all about, sacrifice.
Jelousy in my opinion is the number one killer of relationships. It creates a snowball effect of other issues as well. Too many good men, women and kids are victims of jelousy
There are so many subtle differences in each personal story, yet these generalised guidances make life miserable for many. Marriage is over ? If its not abusive, violent. Its better kids see there parents working put things, giving priority to family. Resilience, self empowerment, ending it powerfully mature and all the easier said than done thrown at people during their weak point is counterproductive.
Have you gone through therapy? Have you done everything?
Your kids will blossom once you are free and happy. Be free from misery. 🤗
Did it work for you?
Hardest thing I did but staying the same was even more hard and painful! We were both so miserable. No relationship whatsoever emotionally. Married over 23 years. 4 kids later. And last 7 years I just kept ignoring the signs. But I got to a point this past year that I said to myself I am been a hypocrite & a liar to my kids and they know it! We separated . Still dealing with the divorce part. But as parents we are 100% way better parents. I actually get along now with my ex-partner. I couldn’t stand him. When we told our 4 kids we were splitting all 4 from ages 22 to 9 said “yeah we kind of figure that” kids know if. Kids can tell when there is true love . When 2 people are in love and want to spend time together. We were roommates for the last 7 years. Best decision I made! Thanks Mel
This is going on for me right now. I just can't get over the fact that our current "therapist" says staying together for kids or for money is good because "it's a starting point". Just blows my mind. I have been unhappy for years, our relationship is very unhealthy, and I have recently began having an affair. But still she will not let us part because of the kids and money. I grow more and more resentful at feeling trapped every day.
Dude dont post with your real name for christ sake
my therapist said it too !! my gut says otherwise, I'm listening to my gut I told the herapist also my decision is final ..I look for the better future.
I am 65 and have a rich life experience and wise outlook on life. You should listen to what is advised in this video. She is totally right. This is very unhealthy to continue to live together "for the kids".
They feel that things are not OK.
Your therapist is weird, your feeling is correct. Listen to your own instinct. I come from divorced parents (18 years married and hell), I'm divorced too with 3 children. I did everything to always be kind even though he was not. Today my kids are adults and I spared them from hating their dad. My family even was mad at me for Always taking his defense. I lied saying that he's a wonderful dad, children have the right to have and love their dad and their mom. Today they see that he's a poor bum but don't have hatred in their hearts. They have good relationship with him even though he's a slippery fish 😂🤣.
Sorry I got caught up with a different topic. There's too much to say.
I wish you bon courage, stay strong and listen to your inner voice. Your children can be very happy with their parents separated and you can become extraordinary parents in Co-parenting. Sorry my English is a bit rusty.
I thought therapists were supposed to me a neutral party to the situation. You need a new therapist. I also advise to figure out a way to live separately. You are having an affair, and that is no way to cope with a bad marriage. It’s a band aid to a problem that won’t go away. Do you and figure out a way to become parents to your kids with each other without being together. Step one, find a new therapist.
why did you get married in the first place if you didnt want to be trapped?
Great advice. Instantly received my answer. Thanks
Mel it's a valuable advise on getting separated from a relationship that can further harm future of the kids with Grace. Thank you ✨🌟🌠
Seen loads getting divorced in their 50's, 60's. The financial turmoil it leads to is the worst bit, at that age it's obvious the financial dent is going to hurt and it's often too late to turn things around.
I like that... Do it FOR the kids. Think of the lessons taught when there's no genuine romantic sweet love.... Pretending, lying, faking it, tolerate, placate, avoidance, irritation, sometimes disgust, annoyance, embarrassment, distance, separateness, and physical and emotional coldness. Yeah, real good relationship lessons. But, we stay together BY GAWD! sarc////
I think staying in a bad marriage is often an excuse to hide from the vulnerability of something real, under the guise of being upstanding. It's a farce, and a hideout.
You've never sat in my home. You'd be amazed, and see it can be done.
Doing it for the kids is not a thing. My parents divorced and it wrecked us. Even though they fought, it would have been better for us long term if they had stayed together. 100%. #sleepereffectofdivorce.
@@GodKing666 what can be done in your house, what are you referring to?
@@tuffstuff2U ...reading back. My daughter, though those emotions exist in my home (not on a day to day), has NO CLUE. She's 5. Maybe as she gets older, and can recognize body language a bit more, it will be an issue.
@@GodKing666, thank you for sharing that. Unfortunately, kids are very attuned to emotional atmospheric changes and instability. They may not be able to put into words what they are perceiving or witnessing, but that doesn't mean they don't sense it. I have personal experience with this from his early as I can remember, so that's how I'm able to speak about it. I do wish you and yours the best. The best we can hope for in any situation is peace.
But my Kids are 1 and 3 they’re not going to understand “The talk” and moving so then what do you do?
My wife and I have maybe, one blown out of proportion, argument a year (the resentment build up). It's semi toxic. We manage to keep it away from our 4 year old, who DOESN'T know, mind you. Outsiders think we have a great marriage. When in reality, we are more like pals, sharing in life responsibilities (with a small side of fuck you). Our intimacy is almost nonexistent. It's now September... We have had sex 3 times this year (briefly). She's a bit delusional, when it comes to how she sees our marriage. If another woman takes notice, she's "up in arms". She'll say things like, "Does she need to see me?", or "...does she see your ring?".
As for my 4 year old... The kid is completely in the dark on this situation. We give my child so much attention. We go out together, sing together, laugh together...etc. Not so much as a front. But because, my wife and I are more like friends. So it's easy. This is why it's hard for me to leave. I'm in "No Intimacy Hell". And I've managed to become content with my hell, mostly. I have the occasional NEED. My kids smiling face, and love my child has when they see us together is a great sedative to the calamity.
@Michele Marie ...I'd have to say, you are TOTALLY WRONG (tell me again when you've met my child). I never said we are "flat" at home. And you CLEARLY missed the second paragraph.
child is too young rt now to realize, but 2 to 3 yrs more she will find out..
Why's the conversation been deleted?
@@pamemarald3601…stumbled across this video again. Still in the same boat. Your prophecy fell short though… Kid is 9 now, and still clueless. Still speaks highly of her parents being in love. I am in the rare space of knowing my child well. I’ll come back in another 3 years, and give an update.
Here’s another question if I may attach it to the videos original question. What if I can’t afford to pay double if I decided to leave the relationship? We both agreed on many things but the main thing was I work she stays home and takes care of the house and kids. I work regardless but on her end it’s always an excuse about why the house is dirty or why there wasn’t food made etc.
Children do not always “know it’s coming.” They might know that things are not good, but if both parents love their children, the children would rather have the parents also love each other and stay a family. It is devastating to see your parents divorce (unless there are extreme circumstances that warrant a break-up). Staying in a marriage for the children’s sake, however, doesn’t make the break-up of the family any less devastating. A broken family is a broken family. Why is it any better to “announce” to your son or daughter (the minute they turn 18 years old) that you’ve been living a lie under their nose and can’t wait to divorce each other. Humans are not machines that can suddenly adjust, cope and survive starting the day we become “legal adults” What garbage!
I just watched a video last night that said being a single patent is child abuse here on youtube. That was a huge blow as someone who is leaving their abusive, cheating spouse. 😕 thanks for the honesty of this video. Life is not one way. What works/doesn't work for others may work/not work for you. Follow your gut instinct. Do what is best for yourself and your kids. My son and I can't leave until Tuesday (it's saturday rn) because we need gas money to drive to my parents house.... and he was in his room crying because he wants to leave now. He's only 6. He hates his dad. He won't even ask him for food. Get out asap. Do what you have to do. But if you need to leave, just leave. You'll figure the rest out and eventually, you'll feel better. 💖
I don't mean any personal offense, but being a single parent is bad for the child.. very bad. The child will feel the absence of not having both their parents in the home. My heart aches for you if you do indeed have to leave an abusive spouse, but the pain for the child should not be discounted. They need their mom and dad even if it doesn't seem obvious to them. It's not just about you "feeling better", that is not what is necessarily best for the child (your happiness is not part of what is owed to your child).
My wife and I have only one thing in common now, only one goal we are focused on, and that is raising our young daughter to have her best future. We think that's best achieved by having both parents in the home, as miserable as we both might be. Does the child notice how miserable we are, how much bickering and arguing is going on? Of course. But is single parenthood the answer? Shared custody? We think not. So we set the clock: twenty years. We hope our kid will be on her own and we will go our separate ways.
I plan to do the same
Hows the 20 year plan going on?
That’s a foolish idea.
Children can grow up just as well with a healthy co-parenting situation as they would with married parents.
As a child of a miserable, emo abusive marriage PLEASE LEAVE!! Many Thanks Mel for being concise&intelligent 🧡🙏🌅
I'm in the process of going through therapy and want to make it work. We have amazing days and terrible days but fear there is too much baggage to overcome. She sees things through a perspective that I simply cannot change no matter what I do or say. We have a 1 year old and don't know what to do. I don't want him to suffer. I don't want my wife to suffer. I don't want to suffer. Such a hard predicament to be in . . . I'm still in the stage of trying / wanting to make things work but it's like banging my head against a wall and I am legitimately miserable.
How are things going?
Hey you still hanging in there?
Hit the eject button. You can’t change her. Only she can change herself when she decides she wants to change.
Leave Mother Phucker! You're welcome. Misery loves company, go be alone for a while.
Leaving an unhealthy relationship for the kids’ sake, I believe is the right thing to do. However, I have the automatic thought about divorce not supposed to be being the fault of the children. How do you reconcile those two ideas?
I stood in a very bad marriage for 6 years because I was afraid to leave my kids. Was told I'd never see them again.
And....? Do you still see them?
I could not agree more with you.
The children know it's coming! HELL YEAH!!! I can feel, see, and finally understand that my Father is NOT happy with my mom. ANd after the divorce life is NEVER BEEN BETTER!!! I think stay in toxic relationship is horrible and pretend that your kids dont understand at all is very very insult their intellegence. hahahhahha... At least that's what I was thinking when I was a child. Sometimes I think: why those adult treat me like I'm stupid? I am a kid NOT a STUPID kid! :))
Thx for the video, Mel! :))