"Sorry" doesn't work if it's missing this...
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- Опубліковано 27 лют 2024
- If your child hurts or upsets another child, it makes complete sense to tell them to say sorry. But if you've done this, you may have noticed they usually give a very quick "sorry", before continuing with their play.
However, this doesn't teach them how their actions affect others. They also need guidance on how to fix things, as this is a skill that takes practice.
This video will teach you another way to approach these situations that is appropriate for toddlers and their level of development, that goes beyond just saying sorry.
I hope this helps!
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Thanks for watching! Is your little one as strong-willed as mine?😂 Don't forget to get your free Communication Milestones Chart here: brightestbeginning.com/communicationmilestoneschart/
I didn't receive the chart
@@hemalathakannan1822 I am not sure why that might have happened. Did you check your spam folder - it sometimes gets sent there?
I like to apologise to the other parent to acknowledge that their child was wronged. My 2 year old pushed over a crawling baby because it was invading her personal space and she wanted it to move. I apologised to the parent (because my kid kicked her baby), but I then explained to my daughter to help her understand why that wasn’t the best thing to do. But I like to acknowledge to the other parent that what happened to their child wasn’t ok as well.
Agree
I would never automatically apologize to another parent, unless it were my fault the accident/behavior happened. Apologizing for your child teaches them they are not accountable for their own actions. Even if they can't talk, you can help them make the sign language sign for "sorry" or "excuse me". If it happens again, then I assume responsibility. I have my child apologize again, I apologize to the parent and then change the situation so it doesn't happen again. Some things are not acceptable and should not be tolerated and reinforced.
@@michelleh.7010but isn’t that how we teach our kids, isn’t that how they learn ? thru our own actions ?! Genuinely trying to figure out how to navigate this as a first time parent.
@@sahonybourdier The offender apologizes. If Mom was the offender, mom apologizes and her child sees mom acting appropriately to make amends to the victim. If your child was the offender, you can prompt your child to apologize, but you don't apologize for your child, as it was not you who did the harm, they did the offense thus they need to apologize. Easy.
@@michelleh.7010You have valuable insight.
I would like to add something regarding parents “apologizing on behalf of their child”.
Sometimes instead of apologizing for actions taken by a child, you can offer compassion to the parent. They may not have been hurt physically, but believe me when I say that anytime my daughter has been harmed by another child, it doesn’t feel good, and I have strong protective instincts. A parent of the child coming to offer words isn’t the same as apologizing for their child. It helps to create an understanding between both parties that tries to say “I saw what happened and it isn’t okay, and I will try to teach my child to do better. How can I help make this feel right?” That alleviates a lot of hard feelings that some people may experience, and is good for community building. The parent is not exactly responsible for their child’s actions. It isn’t that simple. But, they can still show they care. Sometimes, guilt of actions isn’t the point or best to focus on.
Thanks :)
I feel this is totally compatible with saying the word "sorry". We do exactly what your video has suggested with our toddler, but in the making amends part we start with asking if the other person is okay, saying "I'm sorry for [doing X] which made you [feel Y]" and then move on with how we can help them to feel better. The thought behind this is to teach accountability as well as empathy. The other child deserves to have their experience validated and to be told that how they were treated is not okay. "Sorry" doesn't necessarily equal "I feel guilty" or "I feel empathy for you".
Just a hypothetical- if my husband promised to be home for dinner but then I waited an hour before he finally arrived, and he said "should I heat the food up for you?" That would be "making amends", but I would also (reasonably) expect him to say the word "sorry".
I think maybe a better title and theme for your video might be "why forcing your child to say sorry doesn't help them develop empathy", "the proper way to teach your child to apologise", or "why "just say sorry" isn't enough"... something like that.
I like that, why just saying sorry isn't enough. It's also often expected that the recipient of the apology has to accept it and move on immediately, I think it's great to teach people to expect more than "sorry"
I agree! It’s the forced “sorry” with nothing else that isn’t effective
I agree with you up to the point of making amends. Forcing a child to say that they are sorry without having the meaning behind it is useless. But avoiding any sense or responsibility is wrong as well. I think that saying "sorry you got pushed" instead of "sorry (child's name) pushed you" really just encourages the offender to not own up to mistakes.
You can definitely say the child’s name . But since you would be addressing the issue immediately (so for example as soon as they push the child) they will know they did the action. But if you want to ensure it is super clear to them then definitely say your child’s name.
As a preschool teacher I find that making children say sorry only causes them to think another child always owes them an apology every time they are hurt or offended and then expect the teacher to enforce it. That’s not how apologies should work in the real world. They aren’t something you should demand from someone else, but an emotion that is expressed
I love that last sentence! Such a great way to sum it up.
Thank you for the free Milestone Chart. My granddaughter just turned one so I'm giving it to my daughter. I think it will be very helpful for her as a new parent. As you know, they don't come with instructions at birth 😄Have a blessed day.
Thank you for this video! I admire you example with your own children. Our toddler has two older brothers and the age gap is 8 & 6 years from the toddler. He’s 2 going on 3 and we made the mistake of always making the older two give the toddler whatever he wanted from what they had. Your example inspires me to want to reverse this behavior.♥️🙏🏼Thank you again!
Saying sorry that is meaningless is such a typical adult thing to do. Most times people say they are sorry they don’t genuinely mean it but they say it because it’s the socially acceptable thing to do in normal situations
I always hated when teachers would force me to say sorry to someone in school, especially when I was the one getting bullied.
Very informative as always.
I appreciate your specialism is earlier years but would this work on adults, I feel like many never moved on from that under 4s in their own world stage….
What another great video Emma. Your techniques are always so helpful and work!! My 3 year old boy is very strong willed! 😉
Thank you for your videos I love every bit of advice and guidance you give. Is your course good for children with ADHD? I have a four year old I would love some more help with dealing and understanding how to handle daily trantrums it’s a forever and constant battle currently doing therapy but I would like to read up and help my self learn more. X
Hi I’m interested in the language “she is crying because she got pushed”. Do you suggest using passive tense like this rather than saying “she is crying because you pushed her”? I think I tend more to being direct about their role in the issue
Exactly. Making it sound like she got pushed by someone else so that the child doesn’t feel “guilty” or “ashamed”, or rather get defensive. But I think I also prefer the more direct approach, so they learn not also empathy towards others, but also take responsibility for their own actions.
Great !
Great video. Thank you for the chart!
Glad it was helpful!
This is a great method for all educators.
Thank you!!
Glad it was helpful!
More videos that can help us have more behavior tools like this video!
My daughter is 17 month old. She is super active from birth and her communication skill is awesome. She can tell the name of more than 100 things which is in her surrounding.she is very smart. But the problem is she didn't mingle with others. She is comfortable with parents and grandparents and few kids. Infront of others she is like a sick baby, she don't speak single word. Maybe this is inherent bcz im also like this during my Teenage.. how to change this behaviour.
Thank you so much for your tips. I always force my toddler to say sorry when ever he hits someone. I didn't know it won't work. I hope you will post more videos about the behaviour of toddlers. And what can we do about it.
Glad it was helpful!
This is great, thanks! Is there anything similar we should think about or do with our toddlers regarding saying please and thank you?
Glad you liked it!
I tried to download the chart but I never got the link. I think maybe because I'd already signed up for your email list? I entered my email on the website multiple times but nothing ever came 😕
@quigli sorry about that! Did you end up getting it? I've got my team looking into it, and you may be right in saying it's related to you already being on the list. If you still haven't got it please email support@brightestbeginning.com or reply to any of my other emails and I'll send it over 🙂
@@EmmaHubbard I ended up using a different email address to sign up again, and it worked
@quigli ah sorry about that!!
Thank you😍
You're welcome 😊
Thank you very much for this useful vídeo. I´m a teacher, I work in a school; please, I would like to get your free Communication Milestones Chart, I couldn´t download. Thank you
I notice that on the communication chart, it says that they should understand “no” by 12 month? My 11 month old doesn’t understand it. I tell him every time he pulls my hair “No, don’t pull Mommy’s hair, pulling hair hurts,” and he just does it again. Today when I tried to say “no” a little more firmly, he laughed at me. Any advice?
Pull his hair to show him that it hurts 😅 idk when my younger brother would bully me and our other siblings my mom would show him how what he's doing hurt. She would give us permission to do it back. Example, he would bite our other brother so finally the one did it back to him and he cried and cried. My mom was like, I've told you it hurts, now you understand. He never bit any of us again🤣 having kids is messy and sometimes there's not always a good way to get your point across with children until they have it done back to them. It sounds terrible but it worked for us four.
My parents use to give us a drop of hot sauce on our tongue if we hit or cursed so that we knew that our actions had consequences. It soon became a househole saying " sorry gets the chile." Basically that sorry doesn't just fix things but instead avoid the problem all together by not making bad decisions 😅
Nothing compares to the power of Ms Chancla
I just tell my 2 year old to say sorry to me when he smacks my face and my I’m evidently hurt and sad.
Probably did it the tough way…
But He says sorry instinctively when appropriate now lol
The chart was not emailed to me
Not sure why that is. Did you check your spam, as it sometimes gets sent there?
You're supposed to feel guilty when you harm someone. This method teaches the child to not accept accountability for their actions.
I agree and that part of her video caught my attention also. But I think she meant that making the child feel guilty shuts down their acceptance of the lesson by making them become defensive or upset. She goes on to show how to convey the wrongness of their actions in ways that won't make them shut down and stop listening. That's what I took from it anyway. Best of luck.
In what world does a toddler understand accountability?
@@apebass2215 They won't understand until you start teaching them.
@@apebass2215 having realistic expectations is great, but it's still on us to teach them these things. How else will they learn? They obviously shouldn't be punished or shamed if they don't understand immediately, but I think aiming to develop healthy habits early will be easier on both parent and child long term
@@johnboiger6376 I disagree with that part of the video. I don't believe they shutdown. Saying you are sorry is foundational. I would combine it with what was said in the video about the other kid's feelings.
Gentle parenting is relatively new. So all of us were raised wrong? All of our parents did it wrong, by making us apologize when our actions hurt someone? I'm sorry, I don't subscribe to this. Apologies and time outs aren't fun, but are sometimes necessary.
So nothing can be improved upon ever? She explained in the video (did you even watch?) and I'd be shocked if you haven't witnessed it yourself, when a child is forced to apologize and clearly doesn't mean it. What value is an empty apology, other than checking a box and thinking the interaction is complete and no further effort to teach the child is required? An empty apology doesn't make the other person feel better, and it doesn't make the child saying sorry actually feel sorry for what they've done.
I recommend you watch the video again with an open mind instead of feeling defensive. The methods she is recommending are far more likely to raise someone who genuinely means it when they apologize and go a step further to actuality make amends. Sounds a lot better to me.
Hi Jess, I did watch the video all the way through. She recommends teaching a child to apologize after the age of 4-5. She also recommends that after your toddler pushes a girl and hurts her, to point out the girl "got pushed". Not reminding your child that they were the one who pushed and hurt the other child is doing a huge disservice to your child and is not helping to teach your child personal accountability. I'm a teacher and I see the results of "gentle parenting" every day. It's not helping, it's enabling.
@michelleh.7010 so you think an apology that they don't mean is of more value than teaching a child to try to help them in some way regardless of an apology? An apology isn't accountability, though there is an argument for not shying away from teaching them when they hurt someone. I think her method teaches empathy whether they're at fault or not.
More than likely the issue is actually permissive or absent parents, not the people who are trying to do more than teach their kids to say sorry as a reflex without feeling it.
@@jess7722I don't think the methods are mutually exclusive. Of course they're not going to understand what an apology is at first, just like they don't understand gratitude, but we still teach them to say "thank you", don't we?
@@michelleh.7010 I am likely to teach both sorry and thank you to my son, but really only to appease older generations who will think he's rude if he doesn't. I'd rather he understand and mean the things he's saying, and I think actions are more meaningful than words in most situations