I like how all of these things are basically men just saying literally how they feel with no funny business, and the "misunderstanding" all comes from women not believing that a man would be so straightforward.
I had to explain this to my mother the other day. I'm 37 and she's 57. She's constantly putting some kind of hidden meaning into what I say that isn't there. When I say "(neat thing I saw) is cool. I didn't know that existed", I don't mean "I want you to buy me this". I literally mean "(neat thing I saw) is cool. I didn't know that existed."
Men need to communicate with other men in times of attack to defend themselves and their women as quickly and as succinctly as possible with zero time for b.s. who, what,where, when, that is known is told and the why is left for tomorrow or next week. Most men know this on a deep level and keep the b.s. to a minimum when talking to others. If time is available then we can mansplain to each other and women what is going on and why something happened or is going to happen. Generally if a man says he's fine that means he's physically fine or at least combat capable, he might be completely stressed out and scared shitless but he will continue on to the best of his ability.
To be totally honest. Many men, myself included, are tired of women giving signals that they want their men to be open and express there feelings. Then when the men open up the women kick the emotional crap out of the men after the men open up. I have been married almost 50 years and it still happens. And women wonder why men go fishing or tinker around in the shop.
@@kenneththibodeaux9490I was just watching this while building a guitar stool for my son. Adding a couple carved elements and even chose to use hand tools for the seat. Nothing quite like the feeling of a gouge carving through wood. It’ll cure any bad feeling.
Yes, any woman telling men they should be able to be completely open with their feelings, cry in front of their girl or any of that other stuff is giving terrible advice. Take a look at how they talk about Gen Z men who actually took this nonsense seriously, they cry in front of their girls and the whole generation is called "not real men." This is because women lie to themselves and think they are above thinking less of a man for showing his feelings, when it actually brings up a hard-wired disgust in them.
Yes, and as Emily, discussed in this video, it has more to do with the miscommunication between the man and women and less about what the man actually is feeling.
What do you want for dinner? "I don't care." most guys grew up with their mom's cooking dinner and they had to eat what she cooked, or go hungry. So being specifically asked is not something guys are used to. Whatever is cooked we'll eat, unless it is something that we can't eat (peanut allergy, shell fish allergy, etc)
Yup. Men just want food. And if you cook it for him (and don't totally screw it up), he'll be happy as a clam. Peace, a full belly, and something nekkid. It's all we need.
This is like half of it for me. The other half is that outside of a very short list of restaurants, I'll find something on the menu that sounds good to me. I have no food allergies and am not a picky eater, so the specific restaurant is more or less irrelevant to me.
Man says "I don't care what we eat for dinner" = "I have no preference" Woman says "I don't know where to go for dinner" = "Let's play a guessing game where you provide me with choice after choice, trying to satisfy me while I troy on each choice presented as though it were a clothing outfit to try on requiring me to gauge my emotions about it and test you further as to your knowledge of local eating establishments and how well you know my preferences at this very second (which changes continually)."
The absolute worst of that scenario is playing the "Mind Reading" game where you must know what I'm thinking and if you don't then your not really connected to me. That literally drove me crazy and for the longest time I use to think women could read minds but me could not when in fact it is either a fantasy or manipulation.
I used to be asked 'What do you want for dinner?" at 7 AM. My usual response was, "I'll have whatever you are having!" I literally had no idea what I wanted. A better plan would have been to ask, "Do you want this, or that?" That's a choice a man can handle. Once the choice was made, he could forget about it. No guy wants to spend an inordinate amount of time talking about something that really doesn't matter to him.
Often the real problem with "I don't care" is that it strongly implies that you will barely notice and certainly won't value the meal or the work involved in putting it on the table. It's what JP would probably call a "bid for attention". You could probably get away with just picking something she made last week and saying "that XXX last wednesday was good, how about that again?" If, of course, you actually remember what you had last wednesday. That way, you can squeeze in a compliment, a positive and useful response to a bid for attention, *AND* some indication that her cooking means more to you than a vending machine spitting out a candy bar.
@@peterrose5373 Anyone who can read and follow simple instructions can create a meal. I do that. However, when I take leftovers out of the refrigerator, it is the same meal reheated. My wife can take some of this, some of that, maybe open a can of something and it's a completely different meal. She can create, because she is a real cook, not just a recipe slave like me. I compliment her regularly about that. When a man says he doesn't care, it means he WILL be pleased no matter what is served.
But women don’t care either and we have to decide every single day what everyone eats. It seems like a simple task, but imagine how tired she is of deciding, if you get sick of being asked just a few times. She’s really looking for a break from the task. My husband has fixed this by making a list of meals him and the kids like most and I choose from that.
@@user-qp2qe5gf9b when i ask for a specific thing, it usually doesn't get made, so why ask for things you want, only to not get them. HOWEVER - if i suggest 2-3 different things then that will usually get one of them to show up in the next day or so. (my wife not currently working due to a car accident and limited mobility, so she does almost all of the "meals" - i can produce "food" and "snacks" but lack the innate ability to make a meal that is not hot dogs and baked beans, or the like.)
Reply “Beef Wellington please, with some dauphinois potatoes, some asparagus and sliced green beans.... “ She’ll say “We got chicken..” You say “fine”... 😅
Yes I was having fun with someone else! I was having fun falling down rocky trails in a semi control plumet on my MTB with some of my guy mates! Does that count as being with someone else cause I am guilty! Both genders need space, possibly men more than women, I can't quantify it but yee old hunter gatherer away for days might be that old school programming us guys still have!
"having fun with someone else" is not a crime, or cheating, or a disservice to her. It is enjoying a hobby, activity, or sport or whatever, clearing your head, resetting so to speak, for a period of time. At which point he is coming home to her, to most likely do something they both enjoy, if she is not punishing him for the time away for some reason unbeknownst to him. This is not any different than a girls' night, or a shopping trip for her. this is the part i don't get. the "spend more time with me" argument, when you waste a bunch of time arguing about why you are not spending enough time together, thereby wasting the time you could have spent together... SOMEONE EXPLAIN THIS TO ME PLEASE!!!
Basically this whole video boils down to: When a man says something, he means exactly what he says. End of story. Women _always_ overthink and deliberately twist the reply so they have an excuse to get upset, instead of just taking the response to her question at face value.
If the experience that you have had is that women always look for excuses to be upset then you would do better to have relationships with better women. Alternatively, their behavior maybe learned from it getting them something that they want. Don't reward that behavior but do reward good behavior.
Hm, I think the will to understand can go both ways. The vid does NOT show that women want to get upset. It is about miscommunication. And your comment just shows that you still don't understand the point of the vid. It is not to blame a gender it is to show how the genders think different
However one gender being straightforward is easier to understand.. whereas the other genders way of thinking is like playing a game of battleship.. sometimes you hit the mark and sometimes you miss. Missing too often ends relationships.
Men are straight forward and simple creatures. Reading too many subtleties into their words or lack of words will only cause problems. ...and don't expect them to perceive the nuances of your verbal games. Be sweet. Be honest. Be loyal and don't play silly mind games. It seriously doesn't take much to make us happy and willing to provide.
"Men are straight forward and simple creatures." No they're not, and we need to stop spreading this falsehood. Men can be just as simple or as complicated as women. Seriously, the idea that men are simple creatures is harmful to men, even if you don't mean it to be.
Women are not so straight forward and a little more complex creatures. Not trying to read any subtitle into their words or lack of words will only cause problems.
If women just started with these things, UA-cam channels like this wouldn't need to exist! There may be more complex men out there, but for the majority of us, it really doesn't take much to make us happy.
If a woman wants to go out to dinner, she needs to speak up and tell me directly. Making me give her options in the hope I'll say "dinner out" is going to result in me giving every option except going out. If she doesn't want to cook, she needs to say so.
The world would indeed be a much happier place if women would just be willing and able to express preferences and then be willing to negotiate a little. Everyone say what you really want (not what you think others want to hear) and then find the most fair and sensible compromise and be ok with that. It really feels like women get stuck in their own heads sometimes, outthink themselves, and then blame men for not magically reading their minds to untangle the twisted tangled cognitive distortions.
@@FloridaGuy549and if you can’t agree on a restaurant I’m sure there’s one nearby that serves something you both will eat (though for me I’m happy with a burger and fries or something similar so that’s like over 90% of the restaurants near me. Except for ones focused on specific things like Asian or pizza)
@@FloridaGuy549 i fixed it for reality: Yep! The conversation would be so short if they did that! Woman: I don't feel like cooking. Man: Great, where do you want to go to eat? Woman: i don't know Man: what kind of food are you thinking? Woman: it doesnt matter Man: How about Chili's? Woman; I'm not really in the mood for that. Man: You want Longhorn? Woman; I'm don't really want that either. Man: Pizza? Woman: NO! Man: Chinese maybe? Woman: Not tonight, we had that 3 days ago. Man: Well what DO you want then? Woman: How about that Mexican place we went to that one time, i dont remember the name of it? Man; Maxican place 1? Woman: not that place Man; Maxican place 2? Woman: not that one either, i really liked the salsa verde. Man; Maxican place 3? Woman: no, i ate the chicken fajitas and they had way more than i could eat. Man: Oh Mexican place 4? Woman: you know what, let's just go to that burger place on the corner, cause it is close and i am hungry. :(
You totally got these right. I just want to shine a light on the basic motivation behind the statements. Men generally want women to be happy. This is not limited to our wives and girlfriends. Most of these statements (except #3) work the same way when talking to ANY woman we know. 1 - "I don't care" generally means, "I want you to be happy, so pick what you want." 2 - "What do you want to do?" always means, "I want you to be happy." 3 - "I do not want to fight for you" sometimes means, I want you to be happy. Go be with the guy you actually want." However, sometimes it means "I am not a scaffold for your ego. I want you to be happy, but that cannot happen at the cost of good sense or my self-respect." 4 - "Don't worry about it" means, "I want you to be happy, so relax. I will make sure it is okay." 5 - "I missed you" means, "I want you to be happy, and I know you might like to know that i think about you fondly when we are apart."
You know something that is rarely talked about is how a man’s behavior and mindset changes with enough of these mindgames and manipulation tactics they experience from the people in their lives; including so called family. There is no more “empty box”, no more just having no thoughts, no more taking things at face value, no more speaking up for yourself since it’ll either be ignored or chided, and you’ll be blamed for things you had no idea about or had no say in.
That last note about missing the woman he's dating: That is true. Smothering him, expecting constant contact 25 hours a day, 8 days a week, is not realistic, not feasible, it is draining, and it will ultimately repel the man. Speaking from experience, been there, done that. I want to love and be loved, yes. Yet part of that is giving me at least a little bit of breathing room to let me be me. And the thing is, it's not just men who experience this! How many times have we heard of women "needing to find themselves again" after a break-up? Don't women need some breathing room to be who they are too? Obsessive control by either party involved IS NOT HEALTHY.
For sure. Especially after work. I usually spend at least 15 minutes in the bathroom just decompressing on my phone. I think time where we don't have to focus on anyone or anything, but ourselves is a good thing.
@@SessKagOnlydated someone who wouldn’t even allow half that time the door had to be open so she could talk to me (though that could explain why I always wish I could put up a second lock on the bathroom and soundproof it 😂)
@Allantitan my cats rarely let me close my bathroom door, and I grew up leaving the door open, too, so that actually shocked my bf the first time he came up to visit me. I guess since I also like that time alone, I usually like to respect his. I hope you find someone like that, too.
Your last point rang especially true to me. I love my wife but in addition to the many things we enjoy together and the common interrests we have, both of us have hobbies and interests that we do not share. When I'm out pursuing my interests alone it's like a breath of fresh air, but at the same time I catch myself thinking fondly of my wife and look forward to being with her later. On the other hand, when my wife's away puursuing her interests I have to admit that there is plenty of things around the house that I wish to do without interruption, but at the same time I worry about her getting home safely. We'll have our 45th anniversary this year so I guess it's working out. 😀
Here’s a little extra insight, when we say we don’t care what we eat it means we don’t want to waste time debating it we just want food fast because we’re hungry, either that or we’re too focused on something to care about eating.
We men are very simple creatures. We don't need much to be happy. So, when we say "we don't care" we also mean that "we'd be satisfied with whatever choice". By the way, talking about not needing much to be happy, my wife is always baffled at how I'm simple and low maintenance: I don't care about changing furniture, curtains, buying decorations for our home, etc., while she is often thinking about that, to make our house prettier. To be honest, as long as the house is clean, functional, and enough for living, I'm good. When I lived with roommates in a college housing, my bedroom basically had the bare minimum lol
One article to women suggests just that... let him go hang out with friends, go to events, and he'll want to return home to you especially because he's been away from you for awhile!
I am surprised that all this should be clarified, especially when it is expected men to read minds - absolute classical double standards. Fight for her? What are we, dogs? She wants me or she does not.
A former girlfriend once changed her mind three times, including a change of direction, on where she wanted to eat and then again once I pulled into the restaurant parking lot. I parked and said tell me where you want to go and wherever that is, we’re going no more changes. She was pissed.
The best way I heard it put, is that there are toxic actions in which the context is important. For example, fighting to defend your family in an instance where you cannot run way for whatever reason, that is not toxic. Randomly punching someone to start a fight, certainly sounds toxic. As such, there are toxic actions performed by both men and women which are either masculine or feminine attributed actions but that do not warrant calling either masculinity or femininity toxic in of itself.
I use something similar. There are toxic people. Some of them are pushing their toxic behaviors. Some of those are trying to brand it masculinity/femininity. Things like ick lists and alpha/beta/omega mentality b.s. are toxic. Most people can see it, but they aren't the ones making the videos.
"Toxic Masculinity" exists and so does "Toxic Femininity" but the problem I see is that many modern women label anything that men do which doesn't cater to the woman's wants as "Toxic". Modern women tend to label a man "Toxic and controlling" if he doesn't want her going out to the club dressed like a 304, whereas in reality it's the woman that's being "Toxic" by acting that way while in a relationship. An example of "Toxic Masculinity" would be the Kansas City parade shooting, it started over a "what are you looking at?!" match. An example of "Toxic Femininity" is a mother who keeps her child/children away from their father to hurt him.
YES YES YES YES YES!!!! And ladies, PLEASE stop using the term "emotional labor". If you can't control your own emotions, go see a shrink that can talk some sense into you; then talk to us. Women also have to understand that us men have bros-only support networks because we DO communicate differently, and we do have our own secret language. With guys, I advise them to talk to the bros first, because they're gonna be the ones to level you out - or knock you down a few pegs if you need some tough love. Don't be threatened, ladies, at our male friends. They help keep us on right track many times.
If a guy has a good woman, his bros know and stand by her, too. How many stories are there of a really good woman who treats his bros like extended family, and those guys will keep him from even looking at other women! A good woman gets massive support from his bros. If women lack self-control, especially emotionally, they aren't mature enough for a real relationship. They certainly aren't mature enough to be a parent. The occasional outburst isn't the issue: we all get pushed to our limits at times and need a release. but to use emotional outburst and unpredictable reactions as one's daily MO, that's toddler-level maturity, and should disqualify them from anything in the least adult or serious.
@@nwjh1957 what do you do when they emotionally, mentally, abuse your friend and play stupid games on him while blatantly lying????? First response is always we believe her and you attack the guy in some grand fashion then when you find out your perceptions were absolutely wrong. That is the sociological problem with this world. You focus on one dacet of things thinking well that has to be the problem esp when females say something yet never take the time to investigate until someone has alrady been hurt
@@nwjh1957 I think it’s necessary for both sexes to have friends outside the relationship. Sometimes you just need a break from your significant other. Not in sexual terms, just emotional. Women should also especially careful who their friends are - their friends are the ones often undermining them. Their loyalty code is very different from ours. If she has a male best friend, just don’t hide him from me, and don’t deprioritize the relationship too often, and I’m good. I hope that the dude questions me at first. It’s a sign of he’s a good friend.
the bros have a lot of subtle nods, subtle ways to do things that can look like they dont care, i have had an entire conversation with strangers just by had nods, and eyebrow movements, we didnt speak but we knew exactly what we were thinking
@@UnconventionalReasoning Unfortunately, some women see a man's ability to read her mind as a testament to how much he loves her, and issue such questions at random times to "test" him.
Hi, Emily! I think anything can be toxic. It’s like the quote attributed to Benjamin Franklin says … everything in moderation. I frankly don’t like being told that my being a gentleman (walking street side, holding doors, pulling out chairs, etc.) is toxic. That’s how I was raised as it relates to treating women well. And as usual … spot on. I’m Andrew Keener.
Us guys are really simple in our communication. What we say means exactly what we say 99% of the time. There is no hidden messages in our words. There is no need to analyze our words in to the wee hours of the morning. If I mention the shade of blue in the sky, that is all that I mean. Its not that I prefer blue-eyed women or that she would look far better in a blue dress or any other hundreds of potential meanings of the word "blue". When talking to us, remember the acronym KISS. That will always apply.
Yes indeed. If what you mean to say is "I really love girls with blue eyes." then how much wasted effort is it going to be to say "There's beautiful shade of blue in the sky" The odds of that being heard and given the correct interpretation - ie. blue eyes - are slim. We've all had the consequences of things we say being misinterpreted, so even if we are of a mind to use poetic language, we've had that beaten out of us by age 25 or so by the anguish of being misunderstood.
Emily, I have a #6 for you... Ladies, if you date a good man, he will most likely straight up tell you that he cares about you. Not as a way to initiate intimacy but as a way of saying that he recognizes and accepts the fact that he could very easily fall in love with you and/or be hurt very deeply by you. Women need to realize and recognize the men who truly have their best interests at heart before brushing them off into the "friend zone" or alienating them entirely. A good man will have made up his mind within 2 dates as to whether or not you are worthy of his time, honor, loyalty, and respect.
hard lessons learned, i need a lot more than 2 dates. at least a year or two of friendship and knowing both their mother and father before i even consider accepting taking them on a date. i want to know how they treat people and talk behind their backs. that way, i can easily end the friendship if they turn out to be scum without losing the work i put into making myself. the cost is way too high for the minimal benefit they might possibly offer best case scenario. women are learning that men dont need them nearly as much as they need us. i refuse to play games, or be party to games being played on others. it's easier to dodge bullets when you're outside the firing line instead of in front of it. basically, all women i encounter are immediately hard friendzone'd until i know their true colours. it's also much easier to call them out on their bullshit when they know you want to avoid sex with them. sex ruins everything and people are way too horny.
TLDR; Women should learn to communicate. Especially put themselves into the others position and think about what information needs to be transferred. Pro tip: As an introvert, communication is sometimes not easy. Open a notepad, write down keywords. Think if it's what you want to communicate, then formulate. Rephrase if necessary. Once you're done, you can copy paste into a messenger of your choice, no need to interrupt the other person for something trivial.
It is impossible for a woman to communicate with a man. Communication is the trading of facts among people. Women would not know a fact if it bit them in their already fat ass.
So what I understood is “that better communication is the key “ the better you understand to communicate with your partner the better your life together will be
Dinner decisons, date plans... these things are sticking points with my wife and I. She asks what I want, then shoots down all the ideas or agrees in the morning only to change her mind at the last minute. When I then ask what she wants after exhausting all my options... "IDK". 🤦♂️ I've started to say once we agree, we follow through, no matter what she says. 😂
1) If I don't have a preference, I'll tell you I don't care. If I have a particular craving, I'll tell you. If you ask me and then you don't want what I want, you're setting us up for a fight. Herr: What do you want for dinner? Me: I'm in the mood for pizza tonight. Her: I don't want pizza. Me: then why did you ask me what I want. Just tell me what YOU want.
All communication between two people takes place on four levels: 1. factual level The content of the message is conveyed at this level. 2. level of self-revelation At this level, the sender of a message reveals something about himself. 3. relationship level This level conveys the relationship: what does the sender think of the recipient and what is the relationship between them? 4. level of appeal At this level, the message conveys what the recipient should be prompted to do. Men tend to receive messages only on the factual level. So if a woman asks: "Are you hungry?", he may answer with a simple "no", completely ignoring the self-revelation level (the woman is hungry herself) and the appeal level ("let's eat something"). I have now learned to develop more sensitive antennae for the non-factual levels of communication. Every man who loves his wife should be expected to do the same, just as every woman who loves her husband should be expected to learn how her husband receives communication. This is about miscommunication and not about him or her communicating "incorrectly”. I apologize for the very brief presentation in this comment and the errors due to the automatic translation.
The origin of the term toxic masculinity was back in the 1990's in prison, physiologist came up will a term for one prisoner attacking another prisoner for no reason, so it was taken out context and used against men for being manly, this is why men say there is no such thing as toxic masculinity
Nah. Toxic masculinity is real. We see it all around us, if we're paying attention, and aren't making excuses for it. Some ways of expressing masculinity are quite definitely toxic -- but that's not at all the same thing as saying all forms of masculinity are toxic.
Try again, here's the real origin of the term, from Wikipedia: "Toxic masculinity emerged within the mythopoetic men's movement of the 1980s, coined by Shepherd Bliss. Bliss confirmed to me in a 2019 email that he coined the term to characterize his father's militarized, authoritarian masculinity."
Original discussions on Toxic masculinity were about the cognitive dissonance of society telling men to be exactly the thing it then criticises them for being; violent, unemotional, unempathetic. Phrases like; Be a man Boys don't cry Grow a pair Don't be such a girl You hit like a girl A truer, clearer "original" label would be "the toxic ideal of masculinity". Now, too many people use it to just mean the behaviour itself. ie, to make it men's fault, not society's.
you NAILED it on this, about drawn out conversations, changing mind discussion, attempting to guess what SHE had in mind anyway. Keep up the great work!
I think you are correct on all of those things. As a man I like to keep things simple and straight forward. When I ask a woman what she wants to eat I want to know what she eat, I don't want to pick something she hates or doesn't want. Just tell the man what you are in the mood for, and be specific.
The term "toxic masculinity" is a post hoc rationalization by women who weren't treated how they felt they deserved to be treated. Both men and women can treat a spouse, partner, or whatever term you want to use poorly. That should reflect poorly on that individual only. Not everyone who is of the same s3x.
I agree with the general comment, but basically every aspect of humanity can manifest in ways that are unproductive. I would assert that toxic masculinity *does* exist, but it's not what's most often being referred to when someone says those words.
I have felt all 5 of these things as a guy. I asked a woman out and she said yes. I then asked her about her favorite food choices and if there were any no-go foods. She looked at me as if I had killed a puppy. I said I needed to have a clue what she liked in order to not choose a place with food she did not like. I tried to give her a personal example as to why I asked the question, but she wasn't having it at all. We never went out. Her lack of common sense destroyed the her pretty face. The not being able to choose a meal for dinner is so common that my mother gives me the run around as well. It pisses me off to no end. Women need to get a back bone and speak up. The fighting for her is code for that a man must play her game. I will always be respectful to women, but I have stopped playing the fighting game. It doesn't lead anywhere and it is pointless for men. If women cannot see my direct interest by my actions, then I must move on to see other women who will respect me. I always tell all my female friends not to worry about anything while in my company. But very few grasp that I am speaking the truth. Their second guessing is really a turnoff. If they cannot believe me at the beginning, then how can I earn their trust? I am honest and direct when I am speaking to people. Most women just do not get it at all. Missing a woman is important to me when I am not with her. It's the first sign my mind gives me that I really like her beyond her beauty. I was out with friends eating wings on a trip to my hometown and I thinking about this woman back home the entire night. My friends even noticed I was lost in thought at dinner.
I'm 77 and was widowed after a wonderful 45 year marriage. Toxic masculinity absolutely exists. And, I know I slipped into it a few times over the years.
I've always thought of toxic masculinity as "Taking traditionally masculine traits or behaviors to genuinely harmful levels". For example, keeping your emotions under control is good, but never expressing emotions or only expressing a select few deemed "appropriate" is not healthy. The issue is muddled by the fact that there are a lot of traits and behaviors referred to as "toxic masculinity" that are 100% toxic and 0% masculine. Such as belittling other men for showing emotions because you've decided or been taught that showing emotions is feminine. This is further complicated by the fact that a lot of these traits and behaviors are enforced by women just as, if not more strictly than by men. The sheer number of stories you can find online that can be summarized with "she insisted that I open up about my emotions and now she's not attracted to me anymore" (including my own personal experience written out on Reddit) should be enough evidence for this. Bonus points for each that, like mine, involve her cheating.
@@Greenwood4727 oh, people do. It's just that when men do it they are called misogynist and when women do it it's taken as that "No, i don't want a solution. Im complaining for the sake of complaining." B.S. that so many women do.
From Wikipedia: "Toxic masculinity emerged within the mythopoetic men's movement of the 1980s, coined by Shepherd Bliss. Bliss confirmed to me in a 2019 email that he coined the term to characterize his father's militarized, authoritarian masculinity."
I'm really glad you make these videos mainly because I've not done a lot of dating before and it's refreshing to know what not to do, now I'm not saying I don't overthink but I've been told by someone close to me (male) that what he says is what he means there is nothing to read in-between the lines. Anyway, Thank you for these videos, they're very helpful.
Yeah, masculinity of and by itself is natural and normal (or should be), and cannot be 'toxic' just because it exists. Individual men can of course be toxic in many different ways, just as women can. But lumping some individual men's 'toxicity' in generically with masculinity as a whole, is just effenism's dishonest way of accusing all men who haven't knelt in beta-soy fealty to them of being their enemies.
I remember hearing where a trans woman or trans women were being very masculinity aggressive towards lesbians cuz they wanted to sleep with the lesbians but the lesbians didn't want to sleep with them because they had penises and therefore toxic masculinity
The qualities of male/female are masculinity/femininity - neither is toxic. Feminism on the other hand .... ! Men and women are different and, as *individuals* , may be toxic.
It isn't "toxic masculinity". It is just being an a-hole, men or women. Both have their own flavours. Both men and women really need to relearn how to call out the bad behaviours, and give advice accordingly. Too many people have been through a lot, but then flock to people that have been through more, for advice. Doesn't mean those people have ever dealt with anything. Emily here has a knack for grass roots explanations. Or at least where I'm at. Y'all?
From Wikipedia: "Toxic masculinity emerged within the mythopoetic men's movement of the 1980s, coined by Shepherd Bliss. Bliss confirmed to me in a 2019 email that he coined the term to characterize his father's militarized, authoritarian masculinity."
I whole heartedly believe as far the term by definition goes that toxic masculinity definitely exists. I’ve seen it first hand. Men giving quintessential “bro” answers to questions regarding their emotional health and mental state. They will “I’m fine “ themselves straight into a downward spiral and be too proud to seek help. Or overtly trying to amass a bravado in public for no other reason than their own self image needing to be seen as tough or brooding. It’s obvious when men are overtly trying to display what they have been force fed as masculinity due to their own insecurity l. Culturally it has seemed to have lightened though.
lol at the transparent engagement bait in the beginning! 😂 “oh you all seemed to have really wild discussions about toxic masculinity in the last video’s comments! how about you fight about it here too? that ought to bring up the engagement metrics!”
"Toxic masculinity" _does not mean_ that masculinity itself is inherently toxic. But "toxic masculinity" most certainly does exist. We see it every day, if we're paying attention. And sometimes we practically get our faces rubbed in it. Toxic masculinity is a pattern of attitudes and behavior exhibited by men who on some level are afraid of not being "masculine enough", and/or have been taught that that's the way men should behave, that they will lose respect otherwise, and/or that being expected to behave decently somehow infringes on some innate authority that they are entitled to simply because they are male, or think that being "masculine" means it reasonable for them to bully others, and/or simply that intimidation and violence always a legitimate escalation of any disagreement. In other words, "toxic masculinity" is a " _cult of masculinity_ " that effectively elevates male entitlement, male authority, and ready resort to violence, to the status of innate male prerogative. There may be a few women who characterize "toxic masculinity" as an inherent characteristic of masculinity itself, rather than as some particular styles of masculinity that are indeed toxic -- but as far as I can tell, the accusation that "toxic masculinity" somehow casts _all_ masculine behavior as inherently toxic is a self-interested, motivated misrepresentation, pushed largely by those who simply don't want to be held accountable, and who are deliberately conflating the actual meaning with a convenient straw-man, because it confuses the issue and discredits effort to do anything about the problem. (I don't doubt there are plenty of less toxic men, who nonetheless credulously swallow the narrative that "toxic masculinity" is a slur on masculinity itself, rather than a criticism of a particular , toxic approach to masculinity.)
Thank you for a well thought out analysis. I appreciate that you took some time to help me wrap my head around some issues which I found confusing and frustrating.
Masculinity is good, therefore cult of masculinity is good. If its toxic to women but beneficial to men - its good because its supposed to be good for men, not to women.
To mention that men's love grows for their significant other if they apart brought back a memory of a shirt I watched my mother wear that said, "absence makes the heart grow fonder... of someone else." She wore that shirt while she was engaged to a good guy who supported us in a family job that required him to be out of state for a couple of days a month. It certainly never rang true for me. My marriage has now lasted longer than both of my mother's marriages combined. When I'm away from my wife and family, they are all I think of, and it definitely makes me cherish my time with them even more.
On point #2... this is true unless I actually ask her to plan the date! I sometimes will do this after we’ve been out 4-5 times or a couple months. Then I ask her to ‘take me out’ and plan the date! I hadn’t thought of it much more than adding some variety and a little playful turning the table, but having recently found your channel and watching several videos/shorts, it actually comes to the core message of a lot of your content about what men want from women: reciprocation. Most men just want to feel validating in what (everything) we are doing with women and the best way a woman can show this is reciprocation. Of actions, feelings, etc. In this case, I’m asking for a very literal show of reciprocation of feelings by asking her to plan the date and take me out.
Masculinity cannot be toxic in itself, it's aspects of behavior, it has no goal or motives it just IS. It's like a tool, it can be used correctly or incorrectly, and when used incorrectly it does harm the same as a knife, it's a useful and valuable tool but can be used to do harm when mishandled in ignorance or even intentionally with the goal of harm. Good men use masculinity properly and benefit themselves and those in their lives, bad men use it improperly and harms themselves and others
Yup, the truth about distance is solid. I spent a month in another city away from my girlfriend, and married her when i got back, because the time apart made me realise I didn't want to be without her ever.
Looking at the whole debate over toxic masculinity I’ve found that it doesn’t really have a rock solid definition to describe it. It’s a term that is very open to interpretation and will mean something one way and then another way on another day. If you really want what is the real definition of toxic masculinity then it it’s basically “something that men or a man has done that I don’t like”.
First you were spot on with what you were saying about how we work. At the beginning you asked about Toxic Masculinity :: Definitely a thing, best way I can describe it would be when a man thinks he is a Dom but has no ideal how to properly treat his women, just demands with no rewards system
4:50 checking in would be the least severe consequence of being treated like that. The more severe would be to come to think "This isn't worth my time" and either just dumping the woman in question and looking elsewhere, or resorting to life as a single instead, saving himself the potential headache of having to put up with behavior like that in the future. Communication is a two-way street - and if his attempt at obtaining required information get stalled or outright rejected, don't be surprised if he moves on. We aren't mind-readers, and we have no interest in trying to be. It just takes too much time during which we could get other stuff done that needs doing. Yes, if we get to know someone well, we may be able to anticipate their needs and wants and possibly react accordingly, but that should never be taken for granted or even expected in the first place!
Communication is the key to most of these. Talking about what you both would like to eat, do on a date, what to do with financial issues just about anything. When it comes to a woman wanting me to pursue them, they need to be doing and saying things that make me WANT to pursue her. If she is mean and nasty talking or just being around me, I won't want to pursue her.
When my wife and I go out to eat, I rarely care where we go because I know we will have a good time together and I like every place she likes. One time I mentioned I was in the mood for someplace specific and she said we'll go there without even telling me what her options were first. I asked her what she was wanting, and she said that I always say I don't care where we eat so by actually naming a place, that meant I really wanted that place, so that's where we were going. It's the little things that show you how much a person really loves you.
Communication to bridge the gap All the points was reflecting to experience the loss; Still unknown to what did I do wrong Raised my child as a sole parent Thankyou for your efforts
You hit the bullseye on this one. While I was watching this video my wife of 53 years entered the room and inquired what I wanted for lunch and suggested pizza. I responded "OK". She then asked if I wanted something else instead. Although I thought my first response was clear, that I wanted pizza, I really didn't care, so again I answered "OK". She said, "Well, I'll fix pizza". This was a wise decision, because if she had asked yet another question, I probably just would have stared at her. I have made it very clear over the years that I don't like being interrogated about things that I really don't care about, and worse still, I don't want to get into a debate about such subjects. If I am unhappy about the food, I will accept the blame for not being more specific, and keep my mouth shut. I will, however, make a mental note to explain what I like or don't like at an appropriate time, and to explain my preference in a careful way. The worst thing however is choosing a restaurant for a small group, in our case usually children or grandchildren. My wife's preference is to ask every single person in the group their individual preference. Almost invariably everyone has different ideas and discussion/debate ensues. Meanwhile, I am driving down the road getting angrier by the second. Finally I say, "Stop! We are NOT making a decision by unanimous consent. I've listened to what everyone has said, and I am now driving to a restaurant where we can eat." This scenario happens most often when I am with my wife and female children and grandchildren. The male children and grandchildren will express their preferences given my wife's open-ended approach, but they are less willing to really debate the issue. The males also are more specific, like McDonald's as opposed to "burgers", but again, they usually don't persist in their preference
I’m 65, don’t take up space in my head on toxic anything! Everyone try’s to make things so complicated these days. Dating is simple: 2 kinds of women & very simple, 1 kind of woman you can take home to Mom; 1 you cannot! 90% of your ideas are spot on! Excellent point on the: “I miss you!” 😊
99% of the time, I totally agree with your videos. My husband doesn't care about what's for dinner but sometimes I need ideas. I've been coming up with dinner ideas for 50 years. Once in a while, it would be nice to get suggestions. Oh, and if I need to defrost something I need to know in the morning. If the ones who are bothered by being asked what they want for dinner, cooked dinner every night for a year, they would have a lot more sympathy for the question.
It seems when a man is accused of "toxic masculinity" it usually means when a man says "no" or won't give into stupidity, or tries to take the lead in the relationship. And when it comes to where to eat, I'm generally happy with FOOD, and while I might have some enjoyments, when it comes down to it, I just want FOOD. When I ask my wife where she wants to go, and she replies "I don't care", my reply is, "No, you do care, so where do you want to go". She's learned to be specific of what she wants right then, because her likes change by the day, so I'm not going to guess what her current like is. I know the basic "favorite'" restaurants she enjoys, but that doesn't mean that will be her choice for the day.
If toxic masculinity is a thing, then toxic femininity also has to be. If women won't own theirs, we won't accept it either. Frankly, ascribing toxic behavior as masculine or feminine is reductive. Toxicity is it's own thing, and largely comes down to intent.
#1 - I was the cook in the household. Her version of dinner was "Where are we going out to eat?" #2 - Is it weak to let her decide where we can go for 'fun'? Disneyland was her 'must do' option. #3 - If she doesn't realize my value, I won't fight for her. I've shown my value every day. #4 - Assuring her by showing the options and explaining what is best for us is the adult method. #5 - Showing my affection by saying 'I missed you' is authentic. Women disregard most things we say.
You explained those five things very well. There are toxic things some people do that they claim are inherently masculine or feminine, respectively. Those are flawed definitions of masculinity or femininity, IMNSHO, but instead demonstrate a clear lack of maturity.
1. So true! 2. So true! 3. So true! But also, it's a matter of playing the games, whether there's anyone else involved or not. It's a fabricated competition for no reason. If I want to be with you, I show it and don't need consistent testing. 4. Mostly true.. but yeah, sometimes it's easier to gloss over because it isn't worth the inevitable conflict. Expressions of my worries will not be accepted in a way that helps anything (Obviously, I'm just selfish) . 5. So true!
A big communication problem between me and my wife is that when I ask a question - she answers the question she *thinks* I am really asking. As a man, I am far more simple and direct than that. This video in particular is about the simple and direct male style of communication.
2:06 - 1) When asked for dinner ideas, he says “I don’t care.” 3:49 - 2) Asks woman for a date idea, he actually doesn’t want you to plan it. 5:14 - 3) When a man says he doesn’t want to fight for her. 6:07 - 4) When he says “Don’t worry about it.” 6:47 - 5) What he feels when he says “I missed you.”
I wouldn’t so much classify it as “toxic masculinity” as I would say it’s narcissistic tendencies. Or maybe the guy is acting overly masculine because he’s been belittled in the past and he figures he needs to assert himself straight out of the box but goes a little overboard. Either way. There are almost always underlying circumstances leading to such behavior. That all being said. Thank you so much for what you do to try and clear up misconceptions about us! You are amazing!
Man: "I'm hungry." Woman 1: "What in the hell could he possibly be trying to tell me?" Woman 2: "He means he's hungry" Woman 1: "Oh my God, that makes SO much sense now!" Let's face it, the polyamorists had it right this whole time.
"Fight for me" Was the phrase that ended many relationships including mine... To me it meant she was already comparing and looking for my replacement and was wanting a performance on my part to help in the judgement phase... If not already in a physical relationship with another she was ready for that... She never clarified what she meant and I asked if she was having a affair and other more direct questions that she never responded to directly with anything other than avoidance redirection and deflection... The real problem was not miscommunication but a lack of honesty on her part and or she just was not comfortable that she had not realized the direction her statement would take the conversation and could not recover control of the conversation... Either way it was the eye opening moment that she could not be direct or honest but had expectations for me that she herself could not do in return...
Wow, one of the most well explained and thoughtful talks i have seen on Male-female relationships. Both CD sexes would do well to pick up some insights from your efforts. Thank you as you absolutely hit the nail on the head with this.
1. "Anything" doesn't mean something he doesn't like and I would hope she would know what he doesn't like food-wise. 2. 100% Agree 3. Yeah, I'd never compete for any woman because she'll find a reason to leave you for somebody else that will give her what she wants at the moment. RED FLAG 4. 100% Agree 5. I hardly ever say it, so it should really mean something to somebody I say it to.
My ex always said he didn’t care what we eat. I loved that. I call that easy going. I always know what I want to eat. I’m happy, he’s happy, everyone wins.
“ “I don’t care” always either means they truly don’t care or more likely “I know you don’t care what I want and you just want me to pick what you are thinking so you can feel we are in sync and I always loose that game so I choose not to.”
Toxic Masculinity was originally used to describe behaviours that society encouraged, rewarded or expected of men but that were self defeating, harmful or counterproductive. The phrase has now been misappropriated by various individuals and organisations to simply refer to the behaviour itself (violence, lack of empathy etc) rather than the way in which society encourages the behaviour, therefore attempting to make it the fault of men, rather than the fault of society.
Part of the reason we say we don't care about dinner is because when we suggest something there's often push back. It could be that she doesn't want to make that due to her current mood or the time it'll take. So we make a different suggestion and that gets shot down too. It's the same as picking a place to eat out at.
Before I delve into watching the actual content of the video I want to answer the question you posed. Toxic masculinity: Do I think it exists? Hard no! I believe there can be toxic behavior in people, and that it is not tied to their chromosome composition. The way I look at "toxic masculinity" is that it is a fabricated term used anywhere it can serve as another effort at attacking masculinity in general. They've attacked it in the way education is done in schooling, they've done it in media/movies/shows and this term is a method used to attack masculinity in any other scope. Had to chime in and do an edit regarding the topic of "fight for you". Very much yes on how you laid this out. If a man is interested, he is not going to see you as a trophy, an object to compete over. If you are putting out the vibe that "there are others interested, prove you want it more" he is going to (especially a little bit older of a guy) look at that situation and say "well you've narrowed down your choices a bit now".
As a man I 100% agree with all of these. Either you are a guru or have done your homework. Either way. Great job! Subscribe to her, ladies. Her advice will get you more of what you want!
2:08 Yep. As long as it is not on the short list of stuff I can't (seafood allergy) or won't eat, I'll probably like it. I don't know how it is for other people, but if someone asks me what I want for dinner right after finishing lunch, especially if I'm stuffed, the thought of food is almost sickening. The other extreme is when I'm really hungry (hangry?), I'll eat just about anything that's not nailed down!
“Whatever you want, I’m just thankful to eat”. That is literally my truth.
Followed by: Yes, but WHAT do you want to eat? etc.
I found thru my marriages that women don't understand that what we say is what we mean. We do not like hints, we want words.
"Hear hear...hear hear." :-)
Yup we generally don't do subtle.
I like how all of these things are basically men just saying literally how they feel with no funny business, and the "misunderstanding" all comes from women not believing that a man would be so straightforward.
I had to explain this to my mother the other day. I'm 37 and she's 57. She's constantly putting some kind of hidden meaning into what I say that isn't there.
When I say "(neat thing I saw) is cool. I didn't know that existed", I don't mean "I want you to buy me this".
I literally mean "(neat thing I saw) is cool. I didn't know that existed."
Men need to communicate with other men in times of attack to defend themselves and their women as quickly and as succinctly as possible with zero time for b.s. who, what,where, when, that is known is told and the why is left for tomorrow or next week. Most men know this on a deep level and keep the b.s. to a minimum when talking to others. If time is available then we can mansplain to each other and women what is going on and why something happened or is going to happen. Generally if a man says he's fine that means he's physically fine or at least combat capable, he might be completely stressed out and scared shitless but he will continue on to the best of his ability.
Objective proof that women never say what they really mean and don’t mean what they say.
Yes, women over think everything. Sometimes in groups.
Especially in groups
To be totally honest. Many men, myself included, are tired of women giving signals that they want their men to be open and express there feelings. Then when the men open up the women kick the emotional crap out of the men after the men open up. I have been married almost 50 years and it still happens. And women wonder why men go fishing or tinker around in the shop.
Love my wood working shop lol
@@kenneththibodeaux9490I was just watching this while building a guitar stool for my son. Adding a couple carved elements and even chose to use hand tools for the seat. Nothing quite like the feeling of a gouge carving through wood. It’ll cure any bad feeling.
Women really do want you to share your feelings. But they better fucking be the RIGHT feelings.
Yes, any woman telling men they should be able to be completely open with their feelings, cry in front of their girl or any of that other stuff is giving terrible advice. Take a look at how they talk about Gen Z men who actually took this nonsense seriously, they cry in front of their girls and the whole generation is called "not real men." This is because women lie to themselves and think they are above thinking less of a man for showing his feelings, when it actually brings up a hard-wired disgust in them.
Yes, and as Emily, discussed in this video, it has more to do with the miscommunication between the man and women and less about what the man actually is feeling.
What do you want for dinner? "I don't care." most guys grew up with their mom's cooking dinner and they had to eat what she cooked, or go hungry.
So being specifically asked is not something guys are used to. Whatever is cooked we'll eat, unless it is something that we can't eat (peanut allergy, shell fish allergy, etc)
Yup. Men just want food. And if you cook it for him (and don't totally screw it up), he'll be happy as a clam. Peace, a full belly, and something nekkid. It's all we need.
"Most guys" probably have not grown up with a mother who's capable of cooking these days.
@@Zathren source or yappin
This is like half of it for me. The other half is that outside of a very short list of restaurants, I'll find something on the menu that sounds good to me. I have no food allergies and am not a picky eater, so the specific restaurant is more or less irrelevant to me.
i cant stand liver, food to me is protein, energy to run myself. thats it..
Man says "I don't care what we eat for dinner" = "I have no preference"
Woman says "I don't know where to go for dinner" = "Let's play a guessing game where you provide me with choice after choice, trying to satisfy me while I troy on each choice presented as though it were a clothing outfit to try on requiring me to gauge my emotions about it and test you further as to your knowledge of local eating establishments and how well you know my preferences at this very second (which changes continually)."
The absolute worst of that scenario is playing the "Mind Reading" game where you must know what I'm thinking and if you don't then your not really connected to me. That literally drove me crazy and for the longest time I use to think women could read minds but me could not when in fact it is either a fantasy or manipulation.
I used to be asked 'What do you want for dinner?" at 7 AM. My usual response was, "I'll have whatever you are having!" I literally had no idea what I wanted. A better plan would have been to ask, "Do you want this, or that?" That's a choice a man can handle. Once the choice was made, he could forget about it. No guy wants to spend an inordinate amount of time talking about something that really doesn't matter to him.
Often the real problem with "I don't care" is that it strongly implies that you will barely notice and certainly won't value the meal or the work involved in putting it on the table.
It's what JP would probably call a "bid for attention".
You could probably get away with just picking something she made last week and saying "that XXX last wednesday was good, how about that again?" If, of course, you actually remember what you had last wednesday. That way, you can squeeze in a compliment, a positive and useful response to a bid for attention, *AND* some indication that her cooking means more to you than a vending machine spitting out a candy bar.
@@peterrose5373 Anyone who can read and follow simple instructions can create a meal. I do that. However, when I take leftovers out of the refrigerator, it is the same meal reheated.
My wife can take some of this, some of that, maybe open a can of something and it's a completely different meal. She can create, because she is a real cook, not just a recipe slave like me. I compliment her regularly about that.
When a man says he doesn't care, it means he WILL be pleased no matter what is served.
But women don’t care either and we have to decide every single day what everyone eats. It seems like a simple task, but imagine how tired she is of deciding, if you get sick of being asked just a few times. She’s really looking for a break from the task. My husband has fixed this by making a list of meals him and the kids like most and I choose from that.
@@user-qp2qe5gf9b when i ask for a specific thing, it usually doesn't get made, so why ask for things you want, only to not get them. HOWEVER - if i suggest 2-3 different things then that will usually get one of them to show up in the next day or so. (my wife not currently working due to a car accident and limited mobility, so she does almost all of the "meals" - i can produce "food" and "snacks" but lack the innate ability to make a meal that is not hot dogs and baked beans, or the like.)
Reply “Beef Wellington please, with some dauphinois potatoes, some asparagus and sliced green beans.... “ She’ll say “We got chicken..” You say “fine”... 😅
Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
Her: "liar, you were having fun with someone else"
Absence makes the schlong grow longer 😂😂
Yes I was having fun with someone else!
I was having fun falling down rocky trails in a semi control plumet on my MTB with some of my guy mates!
Does that count as being with someone else cause I am guilty!
Both genders need space, possibly men more than women, I can't quantify it but yee old hunter gatherer away for days might be that old school programming us guys still have!
Oh god yes had an ex who didn’t want me to get a truck driving job cause according to her “you’ll cheat on me”
"having fun with someone else" is not a crime, or cheating, or a disservice to her. It is enjoying a hobby, activity, or sport or whatever, clearing your head, resetting so to speak, for a period of time. At which point he is coming home to her, to most likely do something they both enjoy, if she is not punishing him for the time away for some reason unbeknownst to him. This is not any different than a girls' night, or a shopping trip for her.
this is the part i don't get. the "spend more time with me" argument, when you waste a bunch of time arguing about why you are not spending enough time together, thereby wasting the time you could have spent together... SOMEONE EXPLAIN THIS TO ME PLEASE!!!
Me: Yes, pack your bags.
Basically this whole video boils down to: When a man says something, he means exactly what he says. End of story. Women _always_ overthink and deliberately twist the reply so they have an excuse to get upset, instead of just taking the response to her question at face value.
This …
Just like democrats
If the experience that you have had is that women always look for excuses to be upset then you would do better to have relationships with better women. Alternatively, their behavior maybe learned from it getting them something that they want. Don't reward that behavior but do reward good behavior.
Hm, I think the will to understand can go both ways. The vid does NOT show that women want to get upset. It is about miscommunication. And your comment just shows that you still don't understand the point of the vid. It is not to blame a gender it is to show how the genders think different
However one gender being straightforward is easier to understand.. whereas the other genders way of thinking is like playing a game of battleship.. sometimes you hit the mark and sometimes you miss. Missing too often ends relationships.
Men are straight forward and simple creatures.
Reading too many subtleties into their words or lack of words will only cause problems.
...and don't expect them to perceive the nuances of your verbal games.
Be sweet. Be honest. Be loyal and don't play silly mind games.
It seriously doesn't take much to make us happy and willing to provide.
Full stomach, empty balls
"Men are straight forward and simple creatures."
No they're not, and we need to stop spreading this falsehood. Men can be just as simple or as complicated as women. Seriously, the idea that men are simple creatures is harmful to men, even if you don't mean it to be.
A woman could give us a stick and a rock and we’d be happy
Women are not so straight forward and a little more complex creatures. Not trying to read any subtitle into their words or lack of words will only cause problems.
If women just started with these things, UA-cam channels like this wouldn't need to exist! There may be more complex men out there, but for the majority of us, it really doesn't take much to make us happy.
If a woman wants to go out to dinner, she needs to speak up and tell me directly. Making me give her options in the hope I'll say "dinner out" is going to result in me giving every option except going out. If she doesn't want to cook, she needs to say so.
The world would indeed be a much happier place if women would just be willing and able to express preferences and then be willing to negotiate a little.
Everyone say what you really want (not what you think others want to hear) and then find the most fair and sensible compromise and be ok with that.
It really feels like women get stuck in their own heads sometimes, outthink themselves, and then blame men for not magically reading their minds to untangle the twisted tangled cognitive distortions.
Yep! The conversation would be so short if they did that!
Woman: I don't feel like cooking.
Man: Great, where do you want to go to eat?
Simple.
@@FloridaGuy549and if you can’t agree on a restaurant I’m sure there’s one nearby that serves something you both will eat (though for me I’m happy with a burger and fries or something similar so that’s like over 90% of the restaurants near me. Except for ones focused on specific things like Asian or pizza)
@@FloridaGuy549 i fixed it for reality:
Yep! The conversation would be so short if they did that!
Woman: I don't feel like cooking.
Man: Great, where do you want to go to eat?
Woman: i don't know
Man: what kind of food are you thinking?
Woman: it doesnt matter
Man: How about Chili's?
Woman; I'm not really in the mood for that.
Man: You want Longhorn?
Woman; I'm don't really want that either.
Man: Pizza?
Woman: NO!
Man: Chinese maybe?
Woman: Not tonight, we had that 3 days ago.
Man: Well what DO you want then?
Woman: How about that Mexican place we went to that one time, i dont remember the name of it?
Man; Maxican place 1?
Woman: not that place
Man; Maxican place 2?
Woman: not that one either, i really liked the salsa verde.
Man; Maxican place 3?
Woman: no, i ate the chicken fajitas and they had way more than i could eat.
Man: Oh Mexican place 4?
Woman: you know what, let's just go to that burger place on the corner, cause it is close and i am hungry. :(
@@diptenkrom Now we kow how the conversation goes among men...
One guy to another...
Hey, you want to get burgers?
Yep!
Done!
You totally got these right. I just want to shine a light on the basic motivation behind the statements.
Men generally want women to be happy. This is not limited to our wives and girlfriends. Most of these statements (except #3) work the same way when talking to ANY woman we know.
1 - "I don't care" generally means, "I want you to be happy, so pick what you want."
2 - "What do you want to do?" always means, "I want you to be happy."
3 - "I do not want to fight for you" sometimes means, I want you to be happy. Go be with the guy you actually want."
However, sometimes it means "I am not a scaffold for your ego. I want you to be happy, but that cannot happen at the cost of good sense or my self-respect."
4 - "Don't worry about it" means, "I want you to be happy, so relax. I will make sure it is okay."
5 - "I missed you" means, "I want you to be happy, and I know you might like to know that i think about you fondly when we are apart."
You know something that is rarely talked about is how a man’s behavior and mindset changes with enough of these mindgames and manipulation tactics they experience from the people in their lives; including so called family. There is no more “empty box”, no more just having no thoughts, no more taking things at face value, no more speaking up for yourself since it’ll either be ignored or chided, and you’ll be blamed for things you had no idea about or had no say in.
I think that in general the way how man's mindset and way of thinking changes from his 20s to his 30s is a very interesting and wide topic.
Being introvert is an advantage.
You have to stop giving in, that’s on you. When this stuff happens, I assert myself and if that means she needs to leave, so be it.
That last note about missing the woman he's dating: That is true. Smothering him, expecting constant contact 25 hours a day, 8 days a week, is not realistic, not feasible, it is draining, and it will ultimately repel the man. Speaking from experience, been there, done that. I want to love and be loved, yes. Yet part of that is giving me at least a little bit of breathing room to let me be me. And the thing is, it's not just men who experience this! How many times have we heard of women "needing to find themselves again" after a break-up? Don't women need some breathing room to be who they are too? Obsessive control by either party involved IS NOT HEALTHY.
I agree, well said.
For sure. Especially after work. I usually spend at least 15 minutes in the bathroom just decompressing on my phone. I think time where we don't have to focus on anyone or anything, but ourselves is a good thing.
“Needing to find herself” just means sleeping around dude.
@@SessKagOnlydated someone who wouldn’t even allow half that time the door had to be open so she could talk to me (though that could explain why I always wish I could put up a second lock on the bathroom and soundproof it 😂)
@Allantitan my cats rarely let me close my bathroom door, and I grew up leaving the door open, too, so that actually shocked my bf the first time he came up to visit me.
I guess since I also like that time alone, I usually like to respect his. I hope you find someone like that, too.
Your last point rang especially true to me. I love my wife but in addition to the many things we enjoy together and the common interrests we have, both of us have hobbies and interests that we do not share. When I'm out pursuing my interests alone it's like a breath of fresh air, but at the same time I catch myself thinking fondly of my wife and look forward to being with her later. On the other hand, when my wife's away puursuing her interests I have to admit that there is plenty of things around the house that I wish to do without interruption, but at the same time I worry about her getting home safely. We'll have our 45th anniversary this year so I guess it's working out. 😀
Here’s a little extra insight, when we say we don’t care what we eat it means we don’t want to waste time debating it we just want food fast because we’re hungry, either that or we’re too focused on something to care about eating.
Most of the time we'd be satisfied with a cup of ramen and a can of soda, so whatever she wants is definitely fine by us.
Food goes in my mouth
@@TheQuantumWaveor even just a bag of chips or something similar
We men are very simple creatures. We don't need much to be happy. So, when we say "we don't care" we also mean that "we'd be satisfied with whatever choice".
By the way, talking about not needing much to be happy, my wife is always baffled at how I'm simple and low maintenance: I don't care about changing furniture, curtains, buying decorations for our home, etc., while she is often thinking about that, to make our house prettier.
To be honest, as long as the house is clean, functional, and enough for living, I'm good. When I lived with roommates in a college housing, my bedroom basically had the bare minimum lol
@@luizbezerra4373 if the furniture isn’t broken why fix it
Re number 5. What makes being together so special is sometimes being apart.
I got your message but can't get the hang of Telegram.
One article to women suggests just that... let him go hang out with friends, go to events, and he'll want to return home to you especially because he's been away from you for awhile!
All of this stuff just makes me so glad I’m single and NOT dating.
Same here
Why? You're annoyed that men really mean what they tell instead of saying one thing and meaning another?
I am surprised that all this should be clarified, especially when it is expected men to read minds - absolute classical double standards.
Fight for her? What are we, dogs? She wants me or she does not.
Fight for her. Unless she decides she wants someone else then leave her alone. How well you know the difference? Hints. Subtle whispered hints.
@@TorquemadaTwist No. Don't fight for someone who plays games with you. Leave that child, and find someone who will be straight with you.
@@TorquemadaTwistwhich is a problem for me cause those subtle hints fly right over my head 😂
"Fight for me!"
(woman pulls out flowers)
(man pulls out gun)
A former girlfriend once changed her mind three times, including a change of direction, on where she wanted to eat and then again once I pulled into the restaurant parking lot. I parked and said tell me where you want to go and wherever that is, we’re going no more changes. She was pissed.
My Dad would always say when Mom asked " l don't care as long as it's meat and potatoes ". They were married until death do us part.
The best way I heard it put, is that there are toxic actions in which the context is important. For example, fighting to defend your family in an instance where you cannot run way for whatever reason, that is not toxic. Randomly punching someone to start a fight, certainly sounds toxic. As such, there are toxic actions performed by both men and women which are either masculine or feminine attributed actions but that do not warrant calling either masculinity or femininity toxic in of itself.
I use something similar. There are toxic people. Some of them are pushing their toxic behaviors. Some of those are trying to brand it masculinity/femininity. Things like ick lists and alpha/beta/omega mentality b.s. are toxic. Most people can see it, but they aren't the ones making the videos.
"Toxic Masculinity" exists and so does "Toxic Femininity" but the problem I see is that many modern women label anything that men do which doesn't cater to the woman's wants as "Toxic". Modern women tend to label a man "Toxic and controlling" if he doesn't want her going out to the club dressed like a 304, whereas in reality it's the woman that's being "Toxic" by acting that way while in a relationship. An example of "Toxic Masculinity" would be the Kansas City parade shooting, it started over a "what are you looking at?!" match. An example of "Toxic Femininity" is a mother who keeps her child/children away from their father to hurt him.
Masculinity isn't toxic. It's Masculinity. People who call it toxic are sexist.
masculinity is never toxic. To say that is basically hate speech. Feminity, being self-serving and self-centered, is toxic by sheer definition.
YES YES YES YES YES!!!! And ladies, PLEASE stop using the term "emotional labor". If you can't control your own emotions, go see a shrink that can talk some sense into you; then talk to us. Women also have to understand that us men have bros-only support networks because we DO communicate differently, and we do have our own secret language. With guys, I advise them to talk to the bros first, because they're gonna be the ones to level you out - or knock you down a few pegs if you need some tough love. Don't be threatened, ladies, at our male friends. They help keep us on right track many times.
I control mine just fine. whenever you ready
If a guy has a good woman, his bros know and stand by her, too. How many stories are there of a really good woman who treats his bros like extended family, and those guys will keep him from even looking at other women! A good woman gets massive support from his bros.
If women lack self-control, especially emotionally, they aren't mature enough for a real relationship. They certainly aren't mature enough to be a parent. The occasional outburst isn't the issue: we all get pushed to our limits at times and need a release. but to use emotional outburst and unpredictable reactions as one's daily MO, that's toddler-level maturity, and should disqualify them from anything in the least adult or serious.
@@nwjh1957 what do you do when they emotionally, mentally, abuse your friend and play stupid games on him while blatantly lying????? First response is always we believe her and you attack the guy in some grand fashion then when you find out your perceptions were absolutely wrong. That is the sociological problem with this world. You focus on one dacet of things thinking well that has to be the problem esp when females say something yet never take the time to investigate until someone has alrady been hurt
@@nwjh1957 I think it’s necessary for both sexes to have friends outside the relationship. Sometimes you just need a break from your significant other. Not in sexual terms, just emotional. Women should also especially careful who their friends are - their friends are the ones often undermining them. Their loyalty code is very different from ours. If she has a male best friend, just don’t hide him from me, and don’t deprioritize the relationship too often, and I’m good. I hope that the dude questions me at first. It’s a sign of he’s a good friend.
the bros have a lot of subtle nods, subtle ways to do things that can look like they dont care, i have had an entire conversation with strangers just by had nods, and eyebrow movements, we didnt speak but we knew exactly what we were thinking
YES! Make it a series. I really like listening to your explanations. I wish more women would think like you. It would make for a much better world.
I’m learning a lot that I had No idea about!
They prefer men to narrow down the choices for her...but, they themselves are indecisive. 😂😂😂
the men are indecisive? no. the men just don't have a preference because past decisiveness has led to conflict.
Sure, they are indecisive. So what?
What's with the "but"? Replace it with "because" and the sentence is perfectly logical.
@@virtual-viking They also want to please the man they want to be with.
@@UnconventionalReasoning Unfortunately, some women see a man's ability to read her mind as a testament to how much he loves her, and issue such questions at random times to "test" him.
Hi, Emily! I think anything can be toxic. It’s like the quote attributed to Benjamin Franklin says … everything in moderation. I frankly don’t like being told that my being a gentleman (walking street side, holding doors, pulling out chairs, etc.) is toxic. That’s how I was raised as it relates to treating women well. And as usual … spot on. I’m Andrew Keener.
I Love It when a man has beautiful manners!
Thank you for being a gentleman!
Us guys are really simple in our communication. What we say means exactly what we say 99% of the time. There is no hidden messages in our words. There is no need to analyze our words in to the wee hours of the morning. If I mention the shade of blue in the sky, that is all that I mean. Its not that I prefer blue-eyed women or that she would look far better in a blue dress or any other hundreds of potential meanings of the word "blue".
When talking to us, remember the acronym KISS. That will always apply.
Yes indeed. If what you mean to say is "I really love girls with blue eyes." then how much wasted effort is it going to be to say "There's beautiful shade of blue in the sky" The odds of that being heard and given the correct interpretation - ie. blue eyes - are slim. We've all had the consequences of things we say being misinterpreted, so even if we are of a mind to use poetic language, we've had that beaten out of us by age 25 or so by the anguish of being misunderstood.
Emily, I have a #6 for you... Ladies, if you date a good man, he will most likely straight up tell you that he cares about you. Not as a way to initiate intimacy but as a way of saying that he recognizes and accepts the fact that he could very easily fall in love with you and/or be hurt very deeply by you. Women need to realize and recognize the men who truly have their best interests at heart before brushing them off into the "friend zone" or alienating them entirely. A good man will have made up his mind within 2 dates as to whether or not you are worthy of his time, honor, loyalty, and respect.
hard lessons learned, i need a lot more than 2 dates. at least a year or two of friendship and knowing both their mother and father before i even consider accepting taking them on a date. i want to know how they treat people and talk behind their backs. that way, i can easily end the friendship if they turn out to be scum without losing the work i put into making myself. the cost is way too high for the minimal benefit they might possibly offer best case scenario. women are learning that men dont need them nearly as much as they need us. i refuse to play games, or be party to games being played on others. it's easier to dodge bullets when you're outside the firing line instead of in front of it. basically, all women i encounter are immediately hard friendzone'd until i know their true colours. it's also much easier to call them out on their bullshit when they know you want to avoid sex with them. sex ruins everything and people are way too horny.
TLDR;
Women should learn to communicate. Especially put themselves into the others position and think about what information needs to be transferred.
Pro tip: As an introvert, communication is sometimes not easy. Open a notepad, write down keywords. Think if it's what you want to communicate, then formulate. Rephrase if necessary. Once you're done, you can copy paste into a messenger of your choice, no need to interrupt the other person for something trivial.
It is impossible for a woman to communicate with a man. Communication is the trading of facts among people. Women would not know a fact if it bit them in their already fat ass.
So what I understood is “that better communication is the key “ the better you understand to communicate with your partner the better your life together will be
#5 ~ How can I miss you if you don't go away
Dinner decisons, date plans... these things are sticking points with my wife and I. She asks what I want, then shoots down all the ideas or agrees in the morning only to change her mind at the last minute. When I then ask what she wants after exhausting all my options... "IDK". 🤦♂️
I've started to say once we agree, we follow through, no matter what she says. 😂
If she says "You choose" choose and stick to it.
If it's toxic, it's not truly masculine. And if he's truly masculine, he's NOT toxic!!! 💯
True! Thank you 😎
I am coming over to your house so I can try some of your pico de gallo that looks amazing.
@@JoshuaMRichard Awwww, thank you! 🤗
Awesome comment.
Well said, short and to the point.
1) If I don't have a preference, I'll tell you I don't care. If I have a particular craving, I'll tell you. If you ask me and then you don't want what I want, you're setting us up for a fight.
Herr: What do you want for dinner?
Me: I'm in the mood for pizza tonight.
Her: I don't want pizza.
Me: then why did you ask me what I want. Just tell me what YOU want.
Many of us don't like drama and for the most part our natural tendency is to mean what we say quite literally.
All communication between two people takes place on four levels:
1. factual level
The content of the message is conveyed at this level.
2. level of self-revelation
At this level, the sender of a message reveals something about himself.
3. relationship level
This level conveys the relationship: what does the sender think of the recipient and what is the relationship between them?
4. level of appeal
At this level, the message conveys what the recipient should be prompted to do.
Men tend to receive messages only on the factual level. So if a woman asks: "Are you hungry?", he may answer with a simple "no", completely ignoring the self-revelation level (the woman is hungry herself) and the appeal level ("let's eat something").
I have now learned to develop more sensitive antennae for the non-factual levels of communication. Every man who loves his wife should be expected to do the same, just as every woman who loves her husband should be expected to learn how her husband receives communication. This is about miscommunication and not about him or her communicating "incorrectly”.
I apologize for the very brief presentation in this comment and the errors due to the automatic translation.
The origin of the term toxic masculinity was back in the 1990's in prison, physiologist came up will a term for one prisoner attacking another prisoner for no reason, so it was taken out context and used against men for being manly, this is why men say there is no such thing as toxic masculinity
Some guys are psycho, but so are some women. There are toxic people. Men don't talk about the abuse they get from women, though.
Nah. Toxic masculinity is real. We see it all around us, if we're paying attention, and aren't making excuses for it. Some ways of expressing masculinity are quite definitely toxic -- but that's not at all the same thing as saying all forms of masculinity are toxic.
Try again, here's the real origin of the term, from Wikipedia: "Toxic masculinity emerged within the mythopoetic men's movement of the 1980s, coined by Shepherd Bliss. Bliss confirmed to me in a 2019 email that he coined the term to characterize his father's militarized, authoritarian masculinity."
@@bernardkung7306
Men in the West aren't toxic enough. We put up with far too many shenanigans that our great grandfathers never would have.
Original discussions on Toxic masculinity were about the cognitive dissonance of society telling men to be exactly the thing it then criticises them for being; violent, unemotional, unempathetic. Phrases like;
Be a man
Boys don't cry
Grow a pair
Don't be such a girl
You hit like a girl
A truer, clearer "original" label would be "the toxic ideal of masculinity". Now, too many people use it to just mean the behaviour itself. ie, to make it men's fault, not society's.
you NAILED it on this, about drawn out conversations, changing mind discussion, attempting to guess what SHE had in mind anyway. Keep up the great work!
Thanks for all you do, Emily! From a wife of 21 years 🎉❤❤❤
I think you are correct on all of those things. As a man I like to keep things simple and straight forward. When I ask a woman what she wants to eat I want to know what she eat, I don't want to pick something she hates or doesn't want. Just tell the man what you are in the mood for, and be specific.
That's when you hear "Why do we always have to do what YOU want to do."
Short answer is no. Thanks! As a man, I mean what I say... no hidden meaning behind it! Thanks again, great insight you have.
The term "toxic masculinity" is a post hoc rationalization by women who weren't treated how they felt they deserved to be treated. Both men and women can treat a spouse, partner, or whatever term you want to use poorly. That should reflect poorly on that individual only. Not everyone who is of the same s3x.
I agree with the general comment, but basically every aspect of humanity can manifest in ways that are unproductive. I would assert that toxic masculinity *does* exist, but it's not what's most often being referred to when someone says those words.
I have felt all 5 of these things as a guy.
I asked a woman out and she said yes. I then asked her about her favorite food choices and if there were any no-go foods. She looked at me as if I had killed a puppy. I said I needed to have a clue what she liked in order to not choose a place with food she did not like. I tried to give her a personal example as to why I asked the question, but she wasn't having it at all. We never went out. Her lack of common sense destroyed the her pretty face.
The not being able to choose a meal for dinner is so common that my mother gives me the run around as well. It pisses me off to no end. Women need to get a back bone and speak up.
The fighting for her is code for that a man must play her game. I will always be respectful to women, but I have stopped playing the fighting game. It doesn't lead anywhere and it is pointless for men. If women cannot see my direct interest by my actions, then I must move on to see other women who will respect me.
I always tell all my female friends not to worry about anything while in my company. But very few grasp that I am speaking the truth. Their second guessing is really a turnoff. If they cannot believe me at the beginning, then how can I earn their trust? I am honest and direct when I am speaking to people. Most women just do not get it at all.
Missing a woman is important to me when I am not with her. It's the first sign my mind gives me that I really like her beyond her beauty. I was out with friends eating wings on a trip to my hometown and I thinking about this woman back home the entire night. My friends even noticed I was lost in thought at dinner.
I'm 77 and was widowed after a wonderful 45 year marriage. Toxic masculinity absolutely exists. And, I know I slipped into it a few times over the years.
my man, you were just toxic then. Sorry for your loss, im sure she was a wonderful person.
maybe you were told you were toxic but werent, and you truly do believe it, it depends on context
toxicity isn't inherent to men or women.
"Distance makes the heart grow fonder."
I've always thought of toxic masculinity as "Taking traditionally masculine traits or behaviors to genuinely harmful levels".
For example, keeping your emotions under control is good, but never expressing emotions or only expressing a select few deemed "appropriate" is not healthy.
The issue is muddled by the fact that there are a lot of traits and behaviors referred to as "toxic masculinity" that are 100% toxic and 0% masculine.
Such as belittling other men for showing emotions because you've decided or been taught that showing emotions is feminine.
This is further complicated by the fact that a lot of these traits and behaviors are enforced by women just as, if not more strictly than by men.
The sheer number of stories you can find online that can be summarized with "she insisted that I open up about my emotions and now she's not attracted to me anymore" (including my own personal experience written out on Reddit) should be enough evidence for this.
Bonus points for each that, like mine, involve her cheating.
they never talk about toxic women, its as if they are put on a pedestal and can do no wrong, when we have seen its a human issue, not a gender issues.
@@Greenwood4727 oh, people do.
It's just that when men do it they are called misogynist and when women do it it's taken as that "No, i don't want a solution. Im complaining for the sake of complaining." B.S. that so many women do.
@christopherwood7559 very well stated.
@Private-GtngxNMBKvYzXyPq Thank you. Took me half an hour to get it just how I wanted.
From Wikipedia: "Toxic masculinity emerged within the mythopoetic men's movement of the 1980s, coined by Shepherd Bliss. Bliss confirmed to me in a 2019 email that he coined the term to characterize his father's militarized, authoritarian masculinity."
I'm really glad you make these videos mainly because I've not done a lot of dating before and it's refreshing to know what not to do, now I'm not saying I don't overthink but I've been told by someone close to me (male) that what he says is what he means there is nothing to read in-between the lines. Anyway, Thank you for these videos, they're very helpful.
I honestly don't believe there is such a thing as "toxic masculinity" it's more just some women who are just plain angry of the whole dating thing.
Yeah, masculinity of and by itself is natural and normal (or should be), and cannot be 'toxic' just because it exists. Individual men can of course be toxic in many different ways, just as women can. But lumping some individual men's 'toxicity' in generically with masculinity as a whole, is just effenism's dishonest way of accusing all men who haven't knelt in beta-soy fealty to them of being their enemies.
I remember hearing where a trans woman or trans women were being very masculinity aggressive towards lesbians cuz they wanted to sleep with the lesbians but the lesbians didn't want to sleep with them because they had penises and therefore toxic masculinity
The qualities of male/female are masculinity/femininity - neither is toxic.
Feminism on the other hand .... ! Men and women are different and, as *individuals* , may be toxic.
It isn't "toxic masculinity".
It is just being an a-hole, men or women.
Both have their own flavours. Both men and women really need to relearn how to call out the bad behaviours, and give advice accordingly.
Too many people have been through a lot, but then flock to people that have been through more, for advice. Doesn't mean those people have ever dealt with anything.
Emily here has a knack for grass roots explanations. Or at least where I'm at. Y'all?
From Wikipedia: "Toxic masculinity emerged within the mythopoetic men's movement of the 1980s, coined by Shepherd Bliss. Bliss confirmed to me in a 2019 email that he coined the term to characterize his father's militarized, authoritarian masculinity."
You are spot on with all 5of these. Thank you, Jeff H
I whole heartedly believe as far the term by definition goes that toxic masculinity definitely exists. I’ve seen it first hand. Men giving quintessential “bro” answers to questions regarding their emotional health and mental state. They will “I’m fine “ themselves straight into a downward spiral and be too proud to seek help. Or overtly trying to amass a bravado in public for no other reason than their own self image needing to be seen as tough or brooding. It’s obvious when men are overtly trying to display what they have been force fed as masculinity due to their own insecurity l. Culturally it has seemed to have lightened though.
lol at the transparent engagement bait in the beginning! 😂 “oh you all seemed to have really wild discussions about toxic masculinity in the last video’s comments! how about you fight about it here too? that ought to bring up the engagement metrics!”
"Toxic masculinity" _does not mean_ that masculinity itself is inherently toxic.
But "toxic masculinity" most certainly does exist. We see it every day, if we're paying attention. And sometimes we practically get our faces rubbed in it.
Toxic masculinity is a pattern of attitudes and behavior exhibited by men who on some level are afraid of not being "masculine enough", and/or have been taught that that's the way men should behave, that they will lose respect otherwise, and/or that being expected to behave decently somehow infringes on some innate authority that they are entitled to simply because they are male, or think that being "masculine" means it reasonable for them to bully others, and/or simply that intimidation and violence always a legitimate escalation of any disagreement.
In other words, "toxic masculinity" is a " _cult of masculinity_ " that effectively elevates male entitlement, male authority, and ready resort to violence, to the status of innate male prerogative.
There may be a few women who characterize "toxic masculinity" as an inherent characteristic of masculinity itself, rather than as some particular styles of masculinity that are indeed toxic -- but as far as I can tell, the accusation that "toxic masculinity" somehow casts _all_ masculine behavior as inherently toxic is a self-interested, motivated misrepresentation, pushed largely by those who simply don't want to be held accountable, and who are deliberately conflating the actual meaning with a convenient straw-man, because it confuses the issue and discredits effort to do anything about the problem.
(I don't doubt there are plenty of less toxic men, who nonetheless credulously swallow the narrative that "toxic masculinity" is a slur on masculinity itself, rather than a criticism of a particular , toxic approach to masculinity.)
Yes-this! Reading the other comments it is so obvious many don’t understand what the term means. You explained it perfectly.
@@57hound Thanks. :-)
Thank you for a well thought out analysis. I appreciate that you took some time to help me wrap my head around some issues which I found confusing and frustrating.
Masculinity is good, therefore cult of masculinity is good. If its toxic to women but beneficial to men - its good because its supposed to be good for men, not to women.
The term is misused 95% of the time by whiney needy people.
To mention that men's love grows for their significant other if they apart brought back a memory of a shirt I watched my mother wear that said, "absence makes the heart grow fonder... of someone else."
She wore that shirt while she was engaged to a good guy who supported us in a family job that required him to be out of state for a couple of days a month.
It certainly never rang true for me. My marriage has now lasted longer than both of my mother's marriages combined. When I'm away from my wife and family, they are all I think of, and it definitely makes me cherish my time with them even more.
On point #2... this is true unless I actually ask her to plan the date! I sometimes will do this after we’ve been out 4-5 times or a couple months. Then I ask her to ‘take me out’ and plan the date!
I hadn’t thought of it much more than adding some variety and a little playful turning the table, but having recently found your channel and watching several videos/shorts, it actually comes to the core message of a lot of your content about what men want from women: reciprocation. Most men just want to feel validating in what (everything) we are doing with women and the best way a woman can show this is reciprocation. Of actions, feelings, etc.
In this case, I’m asking for a very literal show of reciprocation of feelings by asking her to plan the date and take me out.
Masculinity cannot be toxic in itself, it's aspects of behavior, it has no goal or motives it just IS. It's like a tool, it can be used correctly or incorrectly, and when used incorrectly it does harm the same as a knife, it's a useful and valuable tool but can be used to do harm when mishandled in ignorance or even intentionally with the goal of harm. Good men use masculinity properly and benefit themselves and those in their lives, bad men use it improperly and harms themselves and others
Yup, the truth about distance is solid. I spent a month in another city away from my girlfriend, and married her when i got back, because the time apart made me realise I didn't want to be without her ever.
Number 5 had me thinking of 'absence makes the heart grow fonder'.
Looking at the whole debate over toxic masculinity I’ve found that it doesn’t really have a rock solid definition to describe it. It’s a term that is very open to interpretation and will mean something one way and then another way on another day. If you really want what is the real definition of toxic masculinity then it it’s basically “something that men or a man has done that I don’t like”.
First you were spot on with what you were saying about how we work. At the beginning you asked about Toxic Masculinity :: Definitely a thing, best way I can describe it would be when a man thinks he is a Dom but has no ideal how to properly treat his women, just demands with no rewards system
4:50 checking in would be the least severe consequence of being treated like that. The more severe would be to come to think "This isn't worth my time" and either just dumping the woman in question and looking elsewhere, or resorting to life as a single instead, saving himself the potential headache of having to put up with behavior like that in the future.
Communication is a two-way street - and if his attempt at obtaining required information get stalled or outright rejected, don't be surprised if he moves on. We aren't mind-readers, and we have no interest in trying to be. It just takes too much time during which we could get other stuff done that needs doing. Yes, if we get to know someone well, we may be able to anticipate their needs and wants and possibly react accordingly, but that should never be taken for granted or even expected in the first place!
Communication is the key to most of these. Talking about what you both would like to eat, do on a date, what to do with financial issues just about anything. When it comes to a woman wanting me to pursue them, they need to be doing and saying things that make me WANT to pursue her. If she is mean and nasty talking or just being around me, I won't want to pursue her.
When my wife and I go out to eat, I rarely care where we go because I know we will have a good time together and I like every place she likes. One time I mentioned I was in the mood for someplace specific and she said we'll go there without even telling me what her options were first. I asked her what she was wanting, and she said that I always say I don't care where we eat so by actually naming a place, that meant I really wanted that place, so that's where we were going. It's the little things that show you how much a person really loves you.
I'm going through a breakup currently. I'm glad that these videos confirm that I'm not totally wrong.
100% spot-ON. Thanks for your channel..!!
Hopefully many more women will have their lights turn on for a change.
Communication to bridge the gap
All the points was reflecting to experience the loss;
Still unknown to what did I do wrong
Raised my child as a sole parent
Thankyou for your efforts
You hit the bullseye on this one. While I was watching this video my wife of 53 years entered the room and inquired what I wanted for lunch and suggested pizza. I responded "OK". She then asked if I wanted something else instead. Although I thought my first response was clear, that I wanted pizza, I really didn't care, so again I answered "OK". She said, "Well, I'll fix pizza". This was a wise decision, because if she had asked yet another question, I probably just would have stared at her. I have made it very clear over the years that I don't like being interrogated about things that I really don't care about, and worse still, I don't want to get into a debate about such subjects. If I am unhappy about the food, I will accept the blame for not being more specific, and keep my mouth shut. I will, however, make a mental note to explain what I like or don't like at an appropriate time, and to explain my preference in a careful way.
The worst thing however is choosing a restaurant for a small group, in our case usually children or grandchildren. My wife's preference is to ask every single person in the group their individual preference. Almost invariably everyone has different ideas and discussion/debate ensues. Meanwhile, I am driving down the road getting angrier by the second. Finally I say, "Stop! We are NOT making a decision by unanimous consent. I've listened to what everyone has said, and I am now driving to a restaurant where we can eat." This scenario happens most often when I am with my wife and female children and grandchildren. The male children and grandchildren will express their preferences given my wife's open-ended approach, but they are less willing to really debate the issue. The males also are more specific, like McDonald's as opposed to "burgers", but again, they usually don't persist in their preference
I’m 65, don’t take up space in my head on toxic anything! Everyone try’s to make things so complicated these days. Dating is simple: 2 kinds of women & very simple, 1 kind of woman you can take home to Mom; 1 you cannot! 90% of your ideas are spot on!
Excellent point on the: “I miss you!” 😊
99% of the time, I totally agree with your videos. My husband doesn't care about what's for dinner but sometimes I need ideas. I've been coming up with dinner ideas for 50 years. Once in a while, it would be nice to get suggestions. Oh, and if I need to defrost something I need to know in the morning. If the ones who are bothered by being asked what they want for dinner, cooked dinner every night for a year, they would have a lot more sympathy for the question.
You are 100% right. Thanks
Q. What do you want for dinner?
A. I don't care
=
I know what we've got in, you, by now, know what I like/hate, I trust you to make the right decision
It seems when a man is accused of "toxic masculinity" it usually means when a man says "no" or won't give into stupidity, or tries to take the lead in the relationship.
And when it comes to where to eat, I'm generally happy with FOOD, and while I might have some enjoyments, when it comes down to it, I just want FOOD. When I ask my wife where she wants to go, and she replies "I don't care", my reply is, "No, you do care, so where do you want to go". She's learned to be specific of what she wants right then, because her likes change by the day, so I'm not going to guess what her current like is. I know the basic "favorite'" restaurants she enjoys, but that doesn't mean that will be her choice for the day.
I just came across your video series and I am amazed how spot on you are.
Asking for input on a date/activity also shows he cares about what she likes and wants to show her desires, interests, etc. are important to him.
If toxic masculinity is a thing, then toxic femininity also has to be. If women won't own theirs, we won't accept it either.
Frankly, ascribing toxic behavior as masculine or feminine is reductive. Toxicity is it's own thing, and largely comes down to intent.
#1 - I was the cook in the household. Her version of dinner was "Where are we going out to eat?"
#2 - Is it weak to let her decide where we can go for 'fun'? Disneyland was her 'must do' option.
#3 - If she doesn't realize my value, I won't fight for her. I've shown my value every day.
#4 - Assuring her by showing the options and explaining what is best for us is the adult method.
#5 - Showing my affection by saying 'I missed you' is authentic. Women disregard most things we say.
You explained those five things very well.
There are toxic things some people do that they claim are inherently masculine or feminine, respectively. Those are flawed definitions of masculinity or femininity, IMNSHO, but instead demonstrate a clear lack of maturity.
#5 ... unless was, actually, asked about, especially if not once. 50/50 in those cases.
1. So true!
2. So true!
3. So true! But also, it's a matter of playing the games, whether there's anyone else involved or not. It's a fabricated competition for no reason. If I want to be with you, I show it and don't need consistent testing.
4. Mostly true.. but yeah, sometimes it's easier to gloss over because it isn't worth the inevitable conflict. Expressions of my worries will not be accepted in a way that helps anything (Obviously, I'm just selfish) .
5. So true!
I learned to replace "I don't care" with "Anything is fine".
Yes, men are that simple. When they say something, they usually mean exactly that.
A big communication problem between me and my wife is that when I ask a question - she answers the question she *thinks* I am really asking.
As a man, I am far more simple and direct than that.
This video in particular is about the simple and direct male style of communication.
2:06 - 1) When asked for dinner ideas, he says “I don’t care.”
3:49 - 2) Asks woman for a date idea, he actually doesn’t want you to plan it.
5:14 - 3) When a man says he doesn’t want to fight for her.
6:07 - 4) When he says “Don’t worry about it.”
6:47 - 5) What he feels when he says “I missed you.”
I wouldn’t so much classify it as “toxic masculinity” as I would say it’s narcissistic tendencies. Or maybe the guy is acting overly masculine because he’s been belittled in the past and he figures he needs to assert himself straight out of the box but goes a little overboard. Either way. There are almost always underlying circumstances leading to such behavior. That all being said. Thank you so much for what you do to try and clear up misconceptions about us! You are amazing!
Man: "I'm hungry."
Woman 1: "What in the hell could he possibly be trying to tell me?"
Woman 2: "He means he's hungry"
Woman 1: "Oh my God, that makes SO much sense now!"
Let's face it, the polyamorists had it right this whole time.
Fight for you? Pursue you?
Me personally, I just want her to be happy, even if she's not with me 😌
"Fight for me"
Was the phrase that ended many relationships including mine...
To me it meant she was already comparing and looking for my replacement and was wanting a performance on my part to help in the judgement phase...
If not already in a physical relationship with another she was ready for that...
She never clarified what she meant and I asked if she was having a affair and other more direct questions that she never responded to directly with anything other than avoidance redirection and deflection...
The real problem was not miscommunication but a lack of honesty on her part and or she just was not comfortable that she had not realized the direction her statement would take the conversation and could not recover control of the conversation...
Either way it was the eye opening moment that she could not be direct or honest but had expectations for me that she herself could not do in return...
The wisdom is strong with this one.
Wow, one of the most well explained and thoughtful talks i have seen on Male-female relationships. Both CD sexes would do well to pick up some insights from your efforts. Thank you as you absolutely hit the nail on the head with this.
1. "Anything" doesn't mean something he doesn't like and I would hope she would know what he doesn't like food-wise.
2. 100% Agree
3. Yeah, I'd never compete for any woman because she'll find a reason to leave you for somebody else that will give her what she wants at the moment. RED FLAG
4. 100% Agree
5. I hardly ever say it, so it should really mean something to somebody I say it to.
My ex always said he didn’t care what we eat. I loved that. I call that easy going. I always know what I want to eat. I’m happy, he’s happy, everyone wins.
“
“I don’t care” always either means they truly don’t care or more likely “I know you don’t care what I want and you just want me to pick what you are thinking so you can feel we are in sync and I always loose that game so I choose not to.”
Toxic Masculinity was originally used to describe behaviours that society encouraged, rewarded or expected of men but that were self defeating, harmful or counterproductive. The phrase has now been misappropriated by various individuals and organisations to simply refer to the behaviour itself (violence, lack of empathy etc) rather than the way in which society encourages the behaviour, therefore attempting to make it the fault of men, rather than the fault of society.
As a male I can say I don't know where you get your wisdom from but I think you are right on the money.
If a woman frequently thinks that a man doesn't mean what he says, he will give up trying to communicate.
You are right on point with these 5.
I call it, controlling relationship toxicity because both men and women can do it! I have spoken!!!
Part of the reason we say we don't care about dinner is because when we suggest something there's often push back. It could be that she doesn't want to make that due to her current mood or the time it'll take. So we make a different suggestion and that gets shot down too. It's the same as picking a place to eat out at.
Before I delve into watching the actual content of the video I want to answer the question you posed.
Toxic masculinity: Do I think it exists? Hard no! I believe there can be toxic behavior in people, and that it is not tied to their chromosome composition. The way I look at "toxic masculinity" is that it is a fabricated term used anywhere it can serve as another effort at attacking masculinity in general. They've attacked it in the way education is done in schooling, they've done it in media/movies/shows and this term is a method used to attack masculinity in any other scope.
Had to chime in and do an edit regarding the topic of "fight for you". Very much yes on how you laid this out. If a man is interested, he is not going to see you as a trophy, an object to compete over. If you are putting out the vibe that "there are others interested, prove you want it more" he is going to (especially a little bit older of a guy) look at that situation and say "well you've narrowed down your choices a bit now".
As a man I 100% agree with all of these. Either you are a guru or have done your homework. Either way. Great job!
Subscribe to her, ladies. Her advice will get you more of what you want!
2:08 Yep. As long as it is not on the short list of stuff I can't (seafood allergy) or won't eat, I'll probably like it.
I don't know how it is for other people, but if someone asks me what I want for dinner right after finishing lunch, especially if I'm stuffed, the thought of food is almost sickening. The other extreme is when I'm really hungry (hangry?), I'll eat just about anything that's not nailed down!