These Are The Toxic Traits That Make A Narcissist A Narcissist
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- Опубліковано 27 тра 2024
- As you grow and mature, you will focus on the traits that make you more effective and satisfied in your primary relationships. But instead of focusing on growth, narcissists develop a commitment to toxicity. Drawing upon his many years of studying narcissism, Dr. Les Carter breaks down the most common categories of toxic traits. It is essential to understand how they approach you so you can pursue the better path.
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Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who has semi-retired to Waco, TX. In the past 40+ years he has conducted more than 65,000 counseling sessions and many workshops and seminars. He specializes in anger management and narcissistic personality disorder.
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I find a lot of people who were spoiled rotten as kids end up being Narcissists.
Yes!
Agreed
yup. I even remember my mom laughing about the discrepancy between my brother's crap behaviour at school vs the angelic "aura" he used around my mom "you can't be talking about my sweet little boy!" He is still doing the same thing at age 51 but much worse and much more manipulative.
They might have had monitory possessions but they didn't have loving supportive parents
Interesting because my Narcissist husband's mother, according to him, would say, "He does nothing wrong, he is a very good kid." I have never heard her say this because I barely know her and have only met her three times... Of course I know very little of any of his family other than his sisters have nothing to do with him and they are " the wrong ones. "
One thing about narcs is if you tell them they are hurting you, they think you are "attacking" them. Like if you call them a liar if they just lied, or an abuser if they just abused you, they say you are putting them down and attacking them.
I think all narcissist are related genetically somehow because we all seem to experience the same exact level of he!! from them with the same exact attributes.
If I tell mine that what he said hurt, he says “good!” And laughs.
I’ve learned to be a brick wall and never let him see how I feel about things. If he sees I like something, or I’m having fun, guaranteed he’ll ruin it.
We have a in-law who came from more money than most of us & married into a hardworking farming family .... she brought this "oh your attacking me " victim stance & its dreadful watching it get adopted by people I love- its seems so out of place on the humble roots of my Irish mother to prance around mimicking the airs of this upper class act- turns out they were thieves stealing from the farm to appear like celebrities in the community.
like my ex left me for a year in blank, not saying he would come back. One was showing interest in me. my ex came back, and now he blames me for cheating. Another guy showed interest in me-and all of a sudden now it is MY fault. My ex left me in blank for a year without any hope-and that's not even anything to lose sleep over...
Yessss!! This drove me to distraction. ZERO accountability, always YOUR issue, YOUR fault. And then the accusations, the attacks, etc etc. It took me years and much therapy to realize to just never engage on an adult level. Waste of time
"Narcissists don't grow". That's pretty much the whole explanation on what the relationship with a narcissist will end up looking like.
Yup, I ended a friendship when I realised I was dealing with a fifty-something year old teenager... That's how it feels like.
1. chronic insecurity
a. are you ok with me? What are you going to give me, so I can feel ok?
b. They live behind a false self. How do I have to behave so I can get what I need.
2. chronic mise use of anger
a. the use of sarcasm
b. go into biting at others expense
c. if you disagree with them there is a price to pay
d. hold grudges for a long time
e. no regard for other people’s boundaries
f. resentment over small minor matters
g. they can criticize easy
h. because of there anger they are emotionally dysregulated
3. low levels of empathy
a. when you talk about your feelings you get a blank stare
b. when you express a feeling they act surprised. Why do you feel that way?
c. What you feel and think is not relevant to them
d. They make no real attempt to know you from the inside out
e. There philosophy is: “you are different then me, get out of here”
4. false superiority
a. they come up with one-up comments
b. they are rude and condescending to people
c. need to be the most accomplished, a step above everybody else
d. they use word like “you're supposed to just know what you should do”
e. they're the ones who create the agendas that everybody else is supposed to follow
f. they assume they are the smartest in the room and you have to go along with there reasoning.
5. pathologically defensives
a. unwilling to receive input at a basic level
b. immediately offended when receiving feedback
c. constantly use denial and blame shifting
d. refuse to accept help
6. living inside of shame
a. when you point out something they did wrong they: “take a victim status like why are you doing this to me”
b. complain why everyone else makes them feel miserable
c. they teach you that you should be ashamed when you make a “mistake” instead of finding solutions
7. control is a must
a. they have to be in control over you “they give you advice that you didn't ask for“
b. they are very stubborn and have their own unbending opinions. They insist you have the same opinions they have.
c. they like to take ownership over people: “you will do/be what I say”
d. insult people if they don’t go along with them
e. manipulate people so the follow there agenda
8. cannot be taught
a. are unable to make adjustments
You take excellent notes.
All true!!!
You've certainly earned an A+++ on that summary!
Thank you! 🙏
They do think that they are smarter than other people and that other people should follow their agenda.
When I told my Mother that I had Breast Cancer she was angry because I wasn't going to be able to get her groceries for awhile. She never once called me to see how I was doing. That was over a year ago !! I have removed her toxicity from my life....by removing her. I am now thriving and living my best life. Thank you so much Dr. Carter for validating that 63 years on this planet trying desperately to get her to care was futile and thank God....not because of me.
WOW...that is horrible! so sorry for your experience and I hope you are doing well xo
WOW! 🤦🏽♀️
So sorry to hear about your trauma 😢😓😢😓. May God give you continued strength and peace. Thoughts and Prayers. 🙏💕🙏💕🙏💕
I know what you mean. Sorry you had that experience. Hope you are doing great!
One of the most telling signs that you have a toxic person in your life is when they show no concern when you have a medical crisis. I realized during my 18 years marriage that my Covert Narc husband was never emotionally or physically available to me when I - or our children had health issues. When I was determining if I should stay in the marriage or if I should go, his complete lack of concern or empathy for our health & wellbeing was a DEAL BREAKER. I am so glad you have put yourself FIRST with your self focused mother. Best wishes!
Narcissist live in an I, I, I, me, me, me, world. YOU are only there to be used for whatever they want and there are no boundaries when they want their way on something. Use you and then think how stupid you were to allow someone to use you. Go against them and they will lie about you, make false accusations against you. Destroy you and then move on to the next person and do the same. . Get away from them!
Their anger is always just under the surface waiting to explode in rage against you. They have no compassion, no love, no empathy. They have no regard for other humans they are the only ones who.matter.
Thank you. I’m still stuck here. 20+ years of brainwashing and I’m here living the life he wants. Please God, get me out of this.
Just keep your core values intact , don't let him disturb your inner peace.
Even if you can't move away from him due to circumstances, better yourself in a day-to-day basis upon whatever skills/hobbies you're interested in.
Don't let the narc know fully about your finances.
Become a busy person, try finding an extra job, so that you don't have to deal with their crap for a lengthier part of a day.
If you have any children plz take care of their emotional needs and become a pillar of strength to them.
Remember : This too shall pass .. 🙏
I had same problem but when I could not cope any more, I had to flee! Pray that God will help you to get away, don't wait for God to do something - I made that mistake too. But God did help me BIG TIME.
Exercise, meditate. Grey rock in the meantime. It helps
Thank you for creating this space dr. C, and team healthy, good to be with people who understand and support. Unless you've lived it, you don't really get how sad and lonely a life of mental and emotional abuse is. It's like you're in prison, continually punished, for a crime you didn't commit. And to make it worse, subjected to this continually as a child in a family full of narcissists, it was no surprise I continued to find one in marriage. Dr. C, you're helping people my age make sense of our lives, get answers to very old issues, and helping younger people avoid the tragic consequences of blaming themselves for a lifetime of confusion and sadness. Lord Bless you, and bless your work.
You've just expressed my life. At 79 going on a life dream of a trip, alone of course, to Ireland and Spain. God bless you.
Narcisists simply detest humanity.
One of the saddest things for me to realize after being slyly manipulated for 4 decades by a narcissist, is that I have some traits of narcissism. Granted, there were some there before we met.
But mostly I truly was a caring person and wanted to grow in a relationship with another. I was in denial about how bad things were. He never cared about me.
Every person on earth is selfish - there’s a difference
I think and feel and ruminate about the same exact thing! We fight fire with fire only we reflect on that , identity it and actually regret our actions. That does not happen under any circumstance with an unrepentive intentional narc.
Actions speak louder than words .Please remember this narcissist victims and second the narcissist always double dips when they say they are helping there is always something in it for them Always
It makes me cry but thanks for the words.
It always comes with a payback. There's always a sting in the tail . They'll help you so that they benefit
@@learningenglishthroughtran8540 I wish they wouldn't be so good to us ,they take you under their wing they are a selfless lot.They tell all your friends they are concerned for you and then outline your faults and gossip about your shortcomings .Next they start the smear campaign saying they tried to help you but you need to help yourself, eventually you will be discarded when you outlive your usefulness.The narc will crow to his friends he tried to help and the sympathy will turn to him, he has won.
100%. I had to leave 3/5ths of my blood relatives behind as they refuse to grow, becoming toxic anchors in our families and my own lives. It was a painful cleaving but I could see no other option.
As a narcissistic abuse survivor (covert narcissistic single mother), one thing that really irritates me is when people refer to narcissists as "empathy impaired". I much prefer the expression "humanity impaired" because empathy is only one part of it, and narcissists are lacking true humanity on SO MANY levels.
My mom decided I was selfish, bossy and mean the moment I was born. She said I yawned like I wanted to rule the world. She projected her own personality on my legitimate need for oxygen and decided I was a being to be controlled competitively before I even had a personality or intellect. She has treated me that way ever since.
Reproduction should be regulated by intensive psychological profiling.
Sterilize the species for a century.... fuck people. They are spiritually sick and should not be allowed the privilege of having or raising children.
Fuck this disgusting species back up the devils rancid asshole 😤
I'm so sorry. That's a tough thing to grow up with.
@@donnahilton471 thank you for your empathy! I appreciate it.
Deep sympathies
My mum decided I was "$pecial Need$" at 45 yo so my narc brother could see the MISERY from my youth could finish me off in my ELDER ADULT FUTURE
Thank you Doctor Carter, I wish I'd known what narcissists are when I married one 49 years ago; I used to do everything my narcissistic husband told me to until one day eight years ago, I stood up to him for the first time in 40 years. He was so angry and couldn't figure out why I was being so difficult. He's still a narcissist and always will be but at least I'm separated and have lived without him for over seven years.
Another thing I noticed,you cannot have a general conversation unless it's about them,if it's not about them they try to change it or leave in the middle of it!
My mom told me that when my sister was a year and a half, she didnt like it when I was born--another baby took attention away from her! We are in our 60's and she still acts like she wishes I was never born. I had to go no contact to save myself from her toxicity towards me. I am an empath as well.
The signs are there, even in a young age.
This is myself and my brother he has been a disaster for me growing up .H e has undermined me at every moment ,tough to live with your own brother .
I think you maybe need to see that your mom is possibly triangulating you and your sister. I mean if she is only a year and a half older then her reaction to your birth should have been heavily influenced and mitigated by your parents behavior and not the other way around. NPD is an adult diagnosis and all children are self centered and dependent, especially at that age. I think you and maybe your sister have bought into your mom's narratives and need to figure it out without her influence and might be surprised when details come out. That is something I had to discover and a friend of mine did too after getting out of a narcissistic abusive relationship as we looked back at what we were accepting if based on our families, but my siblings and I were very far apart in age and on our way to being our own people with distinct personalities forming when other new siblings came, all 5 years apart so a statement like what your mom made would have had more weight and made more sense for a five and ten year old than a 1 year old if you understand what I am getting at. Do what you want with this info, but I think I see a big Red flag and it is not about the person you think it is. Best of health
I AGREE! Some of my sisters first full sentences were, "don't bring home another baby". That BIG sister BEAT THE SHIT out of me and was PURE EVIL at a young age RIGHT ON UP in years! As someone else commenting my Mother DID triangulate us as we grew up there were three sisters and a baby brother. She was a NOTORIOUS narcisistic MOM. Anyways my Big sister was MEAN from the get go with no help or prodding MAYBE abuse, but we ALL suffered from one form or another the fact that SHE took it out on ME!? I WILL NEVER FORGIVE HER! She would throw me into the PITS of HELL just for giggles TO THIS DAY!
@@janettemartin4604 I am sorry Janette, I know how you feel. I also grew up with two sisters and a brother, and a stepmom who triangulated! It sucks. I dont talk to any of them now.
I had many red flags that I ignored. For that I take full responsibility. One of them was when we drove by a homeless person. I was thinking but for the grace of God that could be me. She yelled out the window get a job.
Sign number 1 of narcissim--NO EMPATHY
Dont blame yourself! I did the same thing. We are human.
WoW...... get a job? and when you heard her say that, didn't it make you sit there, just remembering her being merciless to you too?... I feel you brother
it's shocking when I realized how merciless was my narc, and the endless emptiness
You're feeling compassion and introspecting while she's insulting a suffering person. Must have made you feel sick inside.
Buying a "Mothers" Day card today took ages. It suddenly dawned on me I was vetting each message to see how she could twist it into some sort of insult and sabotage the simple gesture. I also realised I had been filtering like that my entire life!
In the end I picked one with a child's scribbled picture of his mother beside a normal looking teacher who's saying: "I could have picked you out of a crowd, Mrs Clifford! You look just like little Billy draws you!"
I have 2 family members that are narcissistic, which I didn't figure out till I was in my 40s. I would say they don't just lack empathy but seem to have a sick enjoyment in your suffering. Especially if they caused it.
My entire family is like this. Two years no contact
One way to know that you're dealing with a narcissist is when they take, and take, leaving you feeling depleted. Whereas, you'll receive less, and less or nothing in return.
💙UA-camr That Helps People Overcome Toxic Relationships
Depleted and used every time. I was so hurt when I found my birthday card to him ripped up in the trash. Of course, the monetary gift was gone. 😢
He’s taken and criticized my personality(empathetic). He calls me soft and I’m too much.
I know someone who takes and takes yet never feels any qualms or guilt about not giving to anyone, then acts offended if you ask them for a dime. I’ve often wondered how people can live life with no conscious like that.
I think a lot of us are wantless and needless because of our backrounds. I know I am so as long as she was happy and getting what she wanted I was ok because I really didn't want or need or think I was worth getting from others.
I've had to work on my issues from my less than nurturing back round so I could heal. I was groomed to be with a narcissist from my family of origin, especially my mom.I had to realize she got away with everything because I let her get away with everything.
I've experienced them all in some way, shape or form. It was like being stuck in a nightmare that I couldn't figure out how to wake up from. "If I'm such a bad person then why are you still here?" Is the question that I was asked over and over again. My reply would be something to the sound of "because HOPE is a helluva drug!" My heart aches for anyone, male or female, who has been through this or is still going thru it. When you are able, get out, run like heck and don't look back because it will never stop. In their minds, each time we forgive them we just give them a pass to get dirtier, meaner, ruder, sneakier and whatever other word you want to attach an "er" to that causes pain.
And HOPE can be one of the worst four letter words to anyone under the influence of a narcissist of any level, whether it is past or present.
@@thomasmcnerney9745 That's the truth
My favorite analogy is a thousand paper cuts. Over time it's like your just raw & kinda in shock that no one can see your soul is dying from them. Nightmare is good one though. It makes no sense & you just wanta wake up.
@@anicoleratliff2681 Amen
@@virginianesbitt7777 Your analogy hits the nail on the head
It baffles me how one sibling can be a Raging malignant-covert narc, but the other sibling is not; not Any kind of a narc, at all.
MR CARTER
God is working through you TO help me at this time in my life- THIS way
THANK YOU! 💖
You are so welcome
Actually, science is what has given us a useful understanding of human behavior, not your god.
@@ChristopherMHeaps Actually My Father the Creator is what has given us a useful understanding of human behavior, not your SCIENCE!
They are so toxic to good people, I had been confused for so many years, thank you for helping sort this out. Your a true light in such a dark tunnel.
I saw most, if not all, of these characteristics in my narcissistic ex and I feel so sorry for him. I see videos about how to get revenge on your narcissistic ex partner. I have no urge at all for any type of revenge. I wish there were something I could say or do to help the man, but I know all I can do is to stay away from him to save myself. I want him to be happy and to know that he is worthy of good things in his life, and that he doesn't have to live behind the false front that he presents. I don't think he will ever understand that.
I feel similarly towards my N-ex. I wish I could help him understand that he could have respect, contentment, happiness, success, and love in his life, but he would first need to recognize that he is his own worst enemy. His behavior is tantamount to him repeatedly shooting himself in the foot. Why would anyone want to lavish upon him all the material and emotional things he craves so desperately when he constantly bites the very hand that feeds him? To paraphrase an old saying: “Bite me once, shame on YOU. Bite me twice, shame on ME.” I disengaged from him while all of my fingers were still attached…bruised, but not amputated. 😊
It's also their projection of their own shadow self that is very tricky to navigate. They make you think their own toxic traits belong to you. They make you question if you are a good person.
I am amazed how close this is to my toxic husband.... instead of saying, “why do you feel that way” he says, “that was a stupid thing to say”.
It seems to me that most narcissists are the way they are stemming from a root cause. They are not held accountable for their inappropriate behavior from an early age. They were able to blame shift and therefore lie to escape accountability for their own inappropriate actions . The pattern was set early as the parents accepted their lies at the expense of blaming a scapegoated child
Habit. If the behavior is repeated more than three times, especially after being told or asked to stop- it’s a habit. A narcissist lives by their habits (good or bad) and has a million excuses (they will try to convince you these excuses are “good reasons”) for why they do what they do and how what they do is not “actually” “bad.” Habit.
“Chains of a habit are too light to be felt until they are too heavy to be broken.” Warren Buffett
It is important that we as survivors understand that our having stayed with a narc was our habit which we had to break. Great example to why it is important for us to get counseling and be part of a support group so we dont trade one narc out for another. I am putting the same advice i had given many bettered women and using it for myself.
They actually convince themselves that they are good people who always offer help and do good deeds (when in fact their behavior and actions are anything but) and they'll go on these long winded rants trying to convince others of this, while at the same time smearing you and twisting what you've said or never said in order to create problems with others. Interesting also how they never say thank you or how they conveniently forget about what you've done or given to them, but every chance they get they're reminding you of whatever measly thing they've done, then call you ungrateful or giving you a bill for what was supposed to have been their generous and so called good deed.
@@jloggy7643 if someone tells someone else to leave the narc and they stay, then what you’re saying has merit concerning habit. But i hear you.
@@AlwaysStampinVideos i am also talking about leaving one narc or abuser only to end up with another one. Until we look at ourselves we are predisposed to keep following our own habit unless action is taken to change it. To many of us become so accustomed to the madness that we dont know how to live without it.
are they not free to be themselves?
Great video! Brings to mind instances where the narcissist would tell me how I was feeling emotionally, offer unsolicited advice, and tell me I was being contradictory when we had a difference of opinion. It took a while to see what was going on and to realize that it's impossible for the narcissist to accept others as being unique human beings.
I’ve never had a narcissist question why I feel any certain way. I’ve had them tell me “this is because”… Or, “you always”…
Oh wow! A zillion quotes came to mind. I think the reality behind their "You're just" routine is "You're just really seeing through me, wanting human connection from someone who doesn't have that, bringing yourself up in the world" and the narc can't have that! Must sabotage.
A lot of people like to assume you’re in a bad mood because of something even when it may not be true.
Yes, exactly.
My brother forgot that my spouse had cancer. TWICE. And the best part is when I told him A THIRD TIME, he got annoyed that I hadn't told him before.
My sympathies to you 😞
they aren't sensitive when you have a PHYSICAL disability. There are things I physically can't do and he repeatedly invalidated me....saying why don't you just......no matter how many times I explained I can't. He thinks I am partying all day on my disability check when the fact is I struggle to eat, bathe, and get out for necessities.
Rewatching. This video was so very helpful after having a recent interaction with the beloved narcissist in my life. I appreciate these videos because they give me insight. Also, these videos have helped me not to accept the shame, guilt and rejection that the narcissist continues to put on me. Thank you again, Dr. C.
Whenever I've cried, the narc in my life has never ever come close or comforted me.
. . M m
Yep
My biggest problem with narcs in my life is that I find it hard to think clearly when they start their routine chaos and negativity. For them it’s easy cause their psychosis is almost subliminal and automatic and it’s hard to understand them deeply in real time beyond their mask
I literally wanted to cry and pull my hair out! 😵💫
I still feel such an enormous joy when I think abt, not so long ago, just a few years, I was alone with the narcissist thinking that I was crazy, thinking it was all my fault. He told me so. He had told me since I was a little girl. But he was wrong! He's a loser!
Narcs are masters and lies and turning things around on you. Now that you are free you can use your hindsight to see what the red flags were and hopefully never allow yourself to be taken in be another narc.
It is good to know its not your fault and not in your head
Yes he sure is a loser🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
@@northstar5919 It's nice of you. thank you. it's still in my head. one never forget. but I don't have to care.
YES! That loser was VERY WRONG...XO
They just do not care about anyone! They are all about themselves at all times!! No one else matters to them.
Yes, it's very good food for ME.
The narcissist in my life is a nonentity (NO CONTACT)
Very good food for ME.
Yet, I still watch your videos for my own personal growth.
That the Narcissist don't do for their personal growth.
That I do for my personal growth.
So the best food ME is learning
This was exhausting for me to hear.....29 years of this and I just learned what I was truly dealing with approx 2 1/2 years ago thanks to you, Dr. C😌
These people are turned over to a reprobate mind and demonic to their core. Start working on you to get you back. That started with repentance for me after I learned that I literally was in bed and submitted to satan. Idolizing the devil, if you will......I'm still on my healing journey and will never arrive, but with the help, guidance, grace, mercy, and faith of the living God, I now know what I was dealing with and what to do to stay on track to my purpose. As Paul stated, "I die daily." **to the flesh**
Doesn't always happen that way because Satan knows when to strike and literally can drain your energy from you.....his goal is to drain your Light Source and take your soul.
But God...........
Thank you Dr. Carter....😌💝
God can heal us completly, in His time, in the pace our soul needs. He is the Almighty and He is the loving, caring parent. Remember psalm 23!
God bless you! 🙌🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾
Narcissistic behaviour is extreme pride as in apposition to humility 🤔
You have no idea how this information gives me courage because I thought I was crazy.
Pleased for you, Peggy!
I asked my narc to define “empathy”. He said it means getting someone to do what you want them to do. Geez….
He's not Phi Beta Kappa material.
He has a Ph D in physics and he’s an MD
The key traits:
No actualization process
Chronic insecurity
Chronic anger
Low levels of empathy
False sense of superiority
Pathological defensiveness
Living inside of shame
Control is a must
They are not teachable!
Most of my life i thought of myself being my own worst enemy til i seen the joy mum derived from telling me i could never be the equal to my gc sibling!
dr carter offers cutting edge analysis based on his years of experience as a therapist.
i too wish i had discovered his videos sooner.
One narcissist is like an entire psychological wrecking crew.
It took me 50 years plus and severe depression to figure out what was wrong.
i grew up in a narcissistic family, so it was kind of my "normal".
thank you Dr Carter. Your work is invaluable.
I've had to completely shut out my sister who is a classic Narc. I realized that we go through constant cycles; she hurts me, manipulates me, then waits a few weeks and tries to be kind and pretend nothing is wrong. Its hard to do - to disown a family member - but I have no choice. She is ruthless and torments at her whim and expects that I follow her terms and schedule for our relationship.
What is also sad is that she has poised my relationship with my nephew. They live together and now I have lost him too. She tries to get to me through our mother, and manipulates her to somehow worm her way back. As long as she is in my life in any way, its work to be vigilant and keep her at bay. There is no other solution I fear as I've tried, time and time again to be "normal" but she always manages to infuriate me and turn it around on me.
I was excited about learning better ways in my adult years and tried to share them with my mother, hoping our relationship would improve. I misinterpreted her refusal and inability as "misunderstanding", never imagining it was her actual preference, or that she liked the family brokenness, pain and dysfunction. I kept trying to help, and resolve.
Now I understand that's partly what made me her enemy. So weird.
Dear Doc, it is really hard to stay positive but with your tools (DRC) I am finding that little by little I'm not the dummy and my morals are truly good standards to live by! You are a breath of fresh air in the fog of narcissism. Thank you for constantly clearing the air in my head!
My friend of 57 years, since second grade, had been diagnosed with multiple cancers. We lived 1000 miles from each other. I would travel to see her every 2-3 months to see her until her death 18 months later. We all knew she was not going to get any better. My N husband knew her for years, we socialized when we could. The first time I went to see her, he said, "I hope 'your friend' is better". That was the first and the last statement he ever said about her. He NEVER asked about her EVER. When I traveled to see her, he would say, 'Have a good time". I was by her bed when she passed. I told him when I got home that she had passed...nothing. I am sure today he thinks she is still alive. IF he thinks about it at all. Fortunately, I had a support system of family and friends.
Sorry for your loss and glad you had some support.
@@braveheart977 Thank you. It is funny/strange that an anonymous person can give comfort when a person who claims to love you is so cold and selfish. But then again, they are narcissists so not strange at all.
Narcissism is built upon a lack of empathy, but this is an exaggerated illustration. So sorry you have to endure it.
You are so special! My condolences for your friend. I hope you feel better now!!
So sorry for your loss. In addition to the Narcs lack of empathy, I have also noticed that they see life end issue as a competition for attention. They are like there is no way you are going to be the center of attention by grieving and take the spotlight off of me. In his small mind, he was not going to make you the center of attention because that is his spot so it was like a competition to hold the center of attention spot. When dealing with end of life issues, you really realize how gross these people are that a death is even something they view as a threat to taking attention away from them. Think about it, this Narc is even competing with someone who just lost their life - a deceased person. It is end of life issues that showed me how GROSS these people really are. Truly disgusting at the highest level.
In a discussion the ex husband passive aggressive covert narcissist would agree with me and then do the complete opposite. Confused me for 24 years. Divorced and left June 2017. Loving living alone with many animals
I had a wonderful childhood. It wasn't until I decided to get married that my life went into a downward spiral. My first red flag that I was going into a family that narcissism was prevalent was when his dad one day (I was 18 years old) for some reason said that if he was right he was right and if he was wrong he was also right. He was married to a profoundly submissive wife and his children were very complacent also, especially my soon-to-be-ex-husband. Now that his father is in his old age (94) his younger son and wife have nothing to do with him. His youngest son and wife didn't even come to see his mother when she had bacterial encephalitis (I took care of her at the hospital and at home for three weeks while my soon-to-be-ex-husband was involved with a woman and her wanting to visit his mother at the hospital) and 3 years later to her funeral. Thank God I got rid of this craziness by filing for divorce this year.
You'll be interested in Monday's new video about what happens as narcissists age. Thanks for sharing this. You've been through a lot, and I'm so pleased you are committed to growth.
@@SurvivingNarcissism My growth I owe it to you Dr. Carter because your videos were the very first ones I watched discussing this topic about narcissism. I had no idea what that meant and what the characteristics were. The beginning of my decision to divorce started the moment I decided to continue watching your videos and realized I needed to make that move. You have helped so many of us get out of this nightmare and no matter how many times we thank you it is not enough. May God bless you and continue guiding in selecting topics that will improve our current life status. I will definitely be watching that video on Monday and thank you again Dr. Carter.
You just perfectly described both my mother and my brother. And what I've learned about these people is that they are intellectually inferior. I never felt that they were intelligent enough for me to talk or argue with them.
I wish I could've realized that vital fact also in my family full of narcissists, primarily also my mother and brother big time, while I was a young person still in my nuclear family. It wasn't until decades later, that I realized that, not only were their intellects severely compromised, but that they were both emotionally stunted and mentally ill. Things you find out waaaay too late to not be damaged by these evils as you're growing up. You are ahead of the curve! Nice!
Look at me learning things at 47.I was around all these all my life.Those things you say seem normal to me.
I was getting this narcissistic, undue, small minded criticisms. But when l got the first anger outburst l quit all contact with him.
And I'm the only tradesman, of that type, in the town and the only one in the area that knows old European cars. I know he'd be passed beyond comprehension
I have often said that they have to be the cleverest person in the room!
My narcissist family member, actually two of them, would not ask for help directly. They'd do things to trick me into doing heavy duty tasks for them for free. They'd act like they were asking my opinion but they were really fishing around hoping I'd volunteer to help them. That way they didn't feel any obligation toward gratitude or returning any favors. My older sister took very poor care of her car so she had a lot of vehicle "emergencies" and would come by asking my "opinion". One day she came by asking if I was going to town so she could get a ride. I wasn't but asked her what was wrong with her car. She said the check engine light was on and it was overheating. So I was suckered into working on her car. I said pop the hood so I can take a look. She said I don't know how!?! She'd had the same car for years but she acted like it was some type of alien space ship that she had no knowledge of. I got her hood open to realize that she she had a small leak in the radiator and hadn't ever changed or added oil as far as she could remember. She had about a cup of thick dark goo in the oil hold. I'm not a mechanic but I put in enough oil and radiator fluid ( out of my supplies knowing she would never offer to pay me back) and told her she should go to the mechanic and get a complete check up within the next few days. She agreed and drive off without even a thank you. Six weeks later she showed up with exactly the same story! Her check engine light was on and her car was overheated. When pressed, she admitted she had not taken her car into
the mechanic and I finally lost my temper a little with her play dumb manipulations and said I can't help you. She then went next door and did the same thing to our brother who gave her the same help and advise I done befure and she hurried off on her way. Next month she travelled out of state without having taken her car to the mechanic and it car blew up at the side of the road and she again had to be rescued. This time by a friend and the car's motor was pretty damaged. Things were never her fault or responsibility and she played dumb to avoid accountability. She was a college professor but always felt it was our family's responsibility to take care of her and acted very entitled.
She was also a terrible hoarder and after she died it fell on me and her ex husband to clean out her house and buildings. I could not believe how much of MY Stuff I found there that she'd carried off over the years when i was not looking.
When you mentioned the chronic insecurity, seams to be when they start 'love bombing' you! At first, when this happened to me, I felt flattered. They seem to always be interested and in touch with you ALL the time. When they stop and you try to contact them, for whatever reason, they accuse YOU of being 'needy' to try and make you feel insecure 🤔
😳🤐
exactly! I always wondered on this.
❤ Amanda, You're such a great person! Hope you have a peaceful sunday!
@@anniebrowning7354 You too honey bunch 😘
I mosltly can only give an opinion when my partner asks for one because he needs to pick my brain for his own purposes, and even then, if I am silly enough to respond, I can still find myself facing anger and contempt.
Dr. C. Your videos make forgiveness easier to achieve with these folks. You're doing the Lord's work all over the globe in your retirement years. Thank you.
You are very welcome
Mine would always say I was defensive, he never took note I was only on the defense with him. He put me in a position to feel like I always had to defend myself, my actions, my behavior, my likes, etc to him.
I spent most of yesterday in the ER with kidney stones. There are no words to explain that level of pain. It was the worst thing I've endured in my life, hands down, ever.
Came home and found my ex had been in my home. Things were moved, the door was left open So I called and she said she "had to put the cat's water outside". I told her the cat already has water outside, and I don't need her help with my animals, and under no circumstances whatsoever do I want her inside my home. Ever.
And she just wouldn't agree to it. She said if she thinks she needs to again, she'll do it again because "sometimes I just don't know what's best for me".
Just realized my spare key is missing now. I don't even feel safe in my own home now.
Time to call the locksmith.
Thank you Dr. Carter, and my fellow survivors for this channel and for all the comments. I have been watching 5-6 videos a day and am learning so much and feeling a bit better but I need help and input. I've been married to a narc. for 40 years. I have been walking on egg shells for 40 years. He has in the past been physically abusive a few times, but I had two small children and was afraid to leave. He is very controlling and has a horrible temper. I have never been allowed to work outside the home even though my 2 children are now adults. He controls the money, has never allowed me to have any kind of meaningful friendships, ruined my relationship with my family, and still tries to control our adult children. I could go on but I think you get the picture. I feel drained, empty, and lifeless. I'm trying to implement the advice here and set boundaries, do things to take care of myself, and walk in integrity. I still have so much to learn. Here is my dilemma - he is declining cognitively and I don't think he could really take care of himself very well for much longer. I have guilt every time I think of leaving him, and even though he makes our adult children miserable (they still live with us) I know that they are having the same feelings of guilt. It's like we feel responsibility for him but are miserable in doing so. I'm sorry this is so disjointed and rambling, I just need some type of encouragement. Everyone seems to say "just leave" but I just don't know. I feel I would be kind of like him - uncaring and lacking empathy. Help!!!!
Obviously, you are not like him. Would he think about you if the situation was reversed? No. You and your two adult children could have peace and you could live out your golden years in tranquility. I left the ex-narc when I said to myself "would I want to be with him I'm retirement and would he support me as I age and perhaps get health problems?' the answer was clear. No. You deserve peace. That is the answer.
Dear Carrie,
it is difficult to give advice, because everyone and everyone's situation is different.
Ask yourself if he would stay for you and care for you in the reversed situation. Was he helpful when you and your kids needed help? Ask yourself how much pain you and your grown up kids can bare? Ask yourself how much time you and your grown up kids have to live a decent life when he is gone, a life full of respect, dignity, love and care for you and your grown up children ? A life of peace, short, but worth living? Did you know that even when we reach the age of 100 years, we had just 365 000 days of life?
You did your duty towards him, but did he or will he ever do towards you and your children?
God did not create us to live a miserable life and duty and love is no one way street. As a mother one has also a duty to protect the children from harmful living conditions.
You and your children can find a way of making a living without their father, it is always like this. The narc just wants you to stay chained to him and lose more of your precious life to him.
It ALWAYS gets better after leaving. Remember how you were before you met him. More energetic, healthy, creative, loving, evolving? What is more important to you?
God bless you and your children! I pray for you! 🙌🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾
You have to put your needs first. Not trying to be mean but I would put him in a nursing facility. NO ONE DESERVES TO BE ABUSED, EVER!!
My ex Narc really worked me over....I really never thought about Narcissism but now I am glad to find help here....
My thoughts on my experience, he was neglected as a child. He had to work for his space in life and treated differently then the siblings. He had to work harder then the others and were treated harshly in what ever they tried to do. Yes, it starts as a child and trying to fit in and be recognized as a great person.
So good to see you again Dr. Carter. I love you, thank you for life. My advise to all be fore I may never be on the internet again is, when the narc is good it's an act. Mine left me with covid, during first covid lockdown, announcing his blonde 28 year old girlfriend he's been sleeping with for more than 3 years, when I got up from being ill, him and the girl stolen just about everything, and was continuing to drain the business bank account, wow, I'd had enough left to move to ride covid out about a year, physical treatment I receive from narc had left me with mid to sever spinal stenosis, bulging disc, both legs numb, I mean NUMB, hip needing pins, official out of everything, run from narcs, run like hell its after you, narc flesh soul sucking bastard zombies leave you for dead, its real, run, they do not change I went back over and over, even after he did prison time for breaking my bones, leaving teeth marks in my flesh, and so much more of my blood was shed over 30 some years, take care. sorry for type error due to the heavy medications prescribed by doctors for the spinal, etc pain, xoxo love you all.
Thanks so much!
BLING--I am so sorry that POS put you through all that. My heart goes out to you. I sincerely hope and pray you heal and doing better.
After not being around my narcissistic family for 6 years I had to spend some time around them last weekend due to a death in the family. Thank God I found these videos a few weeks ago. I saw through all their fake personalities. There were several attempts to make me feel bad. Criticism, sarcasm etc. Rather than me feeling bad and depressed I sincerely just feel bad for them. Thank you Doc for these videos.
The realization that the entire way I was raised was categorically wrong. I was raised by middle aged people. Middle aged people who learned nothing from raising two others to adulthood? My siblings are 20 years older than me and my parents learned zero effective parenting skills.
This fact blows me away.
As a middle aged person with adult kids, my childhood just absolutely baffles me.
How do two middle aged people raise two kids and learn absolutely nothing?
Validation from UA-cam. What a world we live in.
48 years of marriage I know all these signs. Pity these videos weren’t available when I was younger. It’s taken years of reading to understand what I have been living with all these years. Plus on top of all this I had a disabled child to bring up and two other children. Still in the marriage but so much more aware. Have my own life and I am content but the situation is still not easy at times but more manageable now .
This is why they mirror and take your personality traits . My ex still uses everything about me
Thank you Dr Carter for helping me to stay sane dealing with a narcissist. 🌺🌿
Oh now, if their mother gets slapped, do they really care? lol
Someone i knew thinks he's an excellent driver, he has been involved in 4-5 car accidents the last 5 years (that I know of). Every time it's bad luck or the other drivers fault.
Once I mentioned that perhaps he should take a look at himself because it's statistically impossible to have that much bad luck; he didn't like to hear that at all.
He is constantly depressed and restless and can't keep a job for more than a few month, it always ends with some conflict, usually that someone is talking bad about him behind his back.
He could talk for hours how bad everyone else was and how innocent he was, waiting for me to agree and validate him.
Thank God I broke with him; something his brother and father also have; and the woman he has a child with of course.
Once a narcissist has figured out people are placating them to avoid Their wrath... The narcissist perfects their Blue print. They're like athletes trying to perfect a certain kind of move in a sport a signature move that assures that they'll succeed or score a point. A really good one is for the narcissist to eat someone alive and let everybody else see it. And then the narcissist is nice to the other people and they like that so they placate him or her because they don't want to be eaten alive. Narcissists learn... You can see them working it out....they remember.. ( yes just like Jurassic Park)
Thank you for this series of very helpful videos. I've been thinking I'm the one going crazy. My ex partner kept on pushing my buttons, knowing what exactly would happen and in the last month it's been at work. And he's now pushing for me to lose my job because I'm "unstable ". I've gone no contact now and blocked him to prevent any more toxicity
Amen, brother. Great information, thank you.
This video is so comprehensive and clear! I wish I’d known this decades ago. I described all of this behavior over the years to many, many therapists who continually told me that there was something flawed in MY perceptions, I was oversensitive or there was only a lack of communication. It is like going to a doctor and showing them your injuries and having them say, there must be something wrong with you. Toxic is the correct word-it is behavior that destroys others.
Not to categorize myself as these, but with all honesty and sincerity, I used to fall into the first 2 traits, but over these past 2 years of following this channel and following team healthy, I began to work on improving myself and love myself enough to keep the great traits that make me wanna be the better me and eliminating what I didn't like before. Plus I would like to work with people who are going through these as well.
You're why I do the videos! Keep up the effort!
Dr. C. Could you talk about the inablers that surround the narcissist. I live next door to a narcissist and her partner seems to be clueless or ignorant of the abusive behavior. 🤔
Have seen a lot of such examples
Thank you Dr. C for your work in helping others. Your content is inspiring, helpful, and calming. I’m proud to be part of Team Healthy!
You hit the nail on the head.
This man is a godsend, he is by far the most credible source. on the subject of Narcissism, the complaint I have is why I didn't find him sooner, would've saved me from a ton of heartache. I've grown to understand this disorder because the term is used so loosely in our society. You are the best Dr.C thank you for all you do. Keep the content coming! We all need you!
My ex checks all of the noces and match all the categories. Poor little thing! God take good care of her.
Thx dr c and team healthy. This community here has helped me work through all the junk i had been internalizing for so many years. I am a survivor and a work in progress. As a male victim of a female narc seeing and talking with other men that have gone through this too has helped me deal with the shame i had. Not sure if women experience this the same as us men do as being a man we have been conditioned that we should not be so sensitive to emotions let alone be able to be abused by a woman. However, i am looking at what makes jim tick and who jim is now. I spent 23 years being abused physically, mentally and sexually so i know that recovering from all of it will not be a overnight thing or flick of a switch. I am also fortunate to gotten in with a councelor that is not about just handing out pills. The only script i have is to help me get to and stay asleep at night and help overcome the night terrors.
Jim- what is revealed can be healed- ♥️
I’m a living witness outside of my ‘narcissistic ‘ experiences
You can be too!
Never quit!
Never give up!
Respect starts with the self and is easily miss- placed
Thank you for sharing it takes b r a v e r y - exposes the other self TOO!
Stay strong man. I am currently in the trenches going through early stages of divorce for the narcissist. Dealing with the “Dr Jekyl/Mr. Hyde” mentality she has makes it extremely difficult and especially since we have 2 kids. I also have to battle my mind of optimism for her because I loved her with all my heart my mind keeps wanting her to change but i have to keep reminding myself (and she does a great job reassuring me) she will never change unless God breaks the free will He gives us. Prayers for you man and I’m very blessed to have found this community to help me heal and get past this VERY hard part in my life of having to start over in my hopeful journey to finding a new woman to love that can give the same dignity, respect, & peace that I’d shower upon her and then some. God be with me and every survivor of Narcissistic people.
@@TheMattMan98 ty for your opening up. Even after being away from my narc since 3-8-21 i still have moments where the thought slips in that maybe she might change now, but her being the type of narc she is, the reason why she is a ex is easily presented by her actions. I do have custody of our 10 year old daughter while she is only able to see her while supervised. I still remain in the family home as well. Dont worry about finding another woman just yet. Try to wait till you get yourself better before looking for one. I did have to test the waters right after i left my ex just to see if i still had it in me and to see if i might have a real chance of having a woman take interest in me. What i found was that the couple women i hooked up with left me feeling empty and hallow. That led me to realize i am not same person i was in my early 20s and that i have out grown the one night stand phase and now hope to one day find a woman that will be a real companion to me and who will love me as much as i can give to her. Till then i will continue to learn more about myself, give me daughter the attention she needs, and help others recover from abuse as i continue to do so myself.
@@forexguy thank you for the positivity.
Wow! You just described my mother!
My mother too and a cousin, a nephew and two aunts. And one uncle.
Such cognitive dissonance, Dr C! We consider ourselves empathic, intuitive, educated professionals, SO, how in the heck do we get involved with this kinda MUCK???? WHY IN THE HECK DID WE IGNORE THE RED FLAGS??? This is when hindsight being 20:20 comes in, and I say, we’ll, I wouldn’t have my amazing son if I didn’t make this “mistake,” right?? I now look at this as the impetus for me to recognize my issues of codependency and working to heal my inner child (and shadow work). Perhaps had I never found myself in THIS proverbial purgatory, I wouldn’t have reached the place I’m at now-on the path to healing and in the realm of radical acceptance of who he (and his Medusa momma) will always be, it was never me, and move forward from here, all the while teaching my son right from wrong. Send me continued strength, Doc. I’m getting there, with your (and Gus’) help too! 😇🙏🏼💛
Learning from you what it takes to deal with these people have been a saving grace.About two years ago and after being married 41 years I learned through your programs why my husband acts the way he does, I also learned that my father is also a narcissist to a different degree, so this behavior was somehow normal to me before marriage. Listening to the programs I feel supported, stronger, empowered….
Through the years I have lost some of my Joy, and I am getting it back. I do have a beautiful family that does not see the toxicity, I guess I did shield them from it. Thanks Dr C
You are such a great comfort to me, Dr. Carter.
100% accurate thank you
This is so spot on. Even to the word chameleon. I used this word to myself shortly after marrying this man. Not even knowing what a narcissist was. Ten years later, honestly I’m a mess. What a mess.
I can't thank you enough for your work. Southeastern New Mexico viewer
You're quite welcome.
I'm just 5 minutes in, you, YOU are describing my husband to the T! Just great, well I better get my plans going faster
You got this!
Thank you for the amazing work, Doctor Carter! Can we spot narcissism in children and help them develop a better mind and soul?
Yes, absolutely. Children and adolescents can't be diagnosed as narcissists since they have more maturation ahead. What you can do is teach empathy, service, conflict resolution skills, etc.
Many personality disorders are genetic. With that said let me point out that there is a difference between having a genetic predisposition to something and actually having manifest. My soon to be ex narc has been recently formally been diagnosed. Our 21 year old son has alao been diagnosed with narc as part of a multi diagnosis. Our son should have been treated for the other conditions at around the age of 8 but my ex narc dud not wat him to "have a label" on him. Since i left my narc, not only did i get myself into therapy but also our 21 year old son and 10 year old daughter. Her therapist and i are working with my daughter in not just treating her depression and adjustment disorder but are being proactive in addressing that she could develope into narcissism or a similar personality disorder if steps are not taken now to instill healthy ways of addressing her emotions and building on her self-worth and to be able to be empathetic and considerate of others feelings. I only wish i had the power to get all my grandchildren into counceling as well as my two oldest daughters.
It is my experience that narcissism is not just a disease that only affects the person whom has it but is something that affects the whole family and as is the case with my ex it is multigenerational sickness that is children are taught and lef to believe that what they are living in is a normal and healthy way when in fact it is not.
@@SurvivingNarcissism i know that what we have been classically taught is that children are not able to be diagnosed with a personallity disorder, i just do not believe that to be 100% true. Please read my comment on this thread.
@@jloggy7643 i used to babysit a 7 yr old boy who i describe as narcissistic he had all the traits. i had to quit babysitting him
@@corsicanlulu thx for chiming in
Luckily I’m not in direct contact with the narc, but my former best friend is entangled with him and is in complete denial that her boyfriend is bad for her. Every time I think about her it breaks my heart to know that she’s living in a fantasy world that’s going to get shattered once she finds the courage to face reality and see him for who he truly is and not who she wants/hopes him to be.
Trough gaslighting and manipulation he “forced “ her to breakoff our friendship, she had to choose between a relationship with him or a friendship… only a selfish, insecure, over jealous person with no empathy would put someone Infront of such a decision. I pray everyday that she will see the light before it’s to late and looses her self completely.
Thank you Dr. Les Carter. You have saved me.
You reminded me of something. I never liked the response when someone says I love you and another person responds with I love you more. I never liked that and now I realize why I never like that. It seems like one-upmanship, not love, like I must top anything you do or say. That's it! That's why I have never liked that response.
They tell you who they are. An show it.
You described my narc ex-husband 100 %, in EVERY category you spoke of, Dr. C.
Add to those categories, biblical scripture and verses when he attempts to "explain" and EXCUSE EVERYTHING he does.
Even though I left him 21 months ago, his # ONE complaint to this day is, that I did NOT submit to him, as he DEMANDED. He uses Bible verses to attempt to "prove" that it's in the Bible that wives MUST SUBMIT to their husbands, NO MATTER WHAT their submitting request is...
Absolutely SICKENING..
Dr. Carter, do you by any chance have a video where you speak/explain about narcists using religion/Bible verses..etc, etc, and WHY they do that?
Once again, thank you for such informative and helpful videos.
Stay safe and well, Dr Carter.
We need you ❣️❣️❣️
There is this bible verse that follows that submission one - read down the page a little.
I had an ex who sang in a church choir and had a secret life that would have filled an episode of Jerry Springer.
They need to convince others that what they say is truth so Bible is perfect for that
I, too, had one of these demanding adult baby "christian" delusionists. I cucked him and took half of his money which is exactly what he deserved
Oh, you want my "submission?" Heh, watch while I give my love and attention...to someone else.
Narcissists use religion to abuse their victims. Especially when they know you want to please God. Narcissists are wicked!
There’s some good Christian marriage books about how it’s wrong to misuse that Bible verse depending on the context. Too many Christian men misuse that verse and forget others such as loving your wife. One book I like is Every Man’s Marriage, which keeps encouraging oneness.