About 10 years ago my brother asked for 1k. I asked him what it was for... he said he wanted to use it to gamble as he wanted to become a "professional gambler" I said no but if you need food or a ride to a job interview just ask. He hasn't talked to me since.
@JCS Then be prepared to financially help your parents till the day they die and you can't complain about it either because you didn't set up boundaries.
The problem sometimes is that you need to know WHY someone needs help. "I can't make rent" isn't enough. WHY can't they make rent is the question. I hate to think this way sometimes, but you also have to ensure they aren't using their "need" as a means to subsidize the bad behavior. Even if you buy them food or something, that still offsets their expenses to a point where it frees up their own money to spend badly.
I feel for the caller. I stopped giving to family and became the "bad guy". The caller needs to be strong and not give them a dime. It will never be enough! Supporting them mentally to get a job and budget their money is what they need from him! Good advice Dave and Dr John.
I think that's an important reality for people in this situation of face. You are going to become in other people's eyes the bad guy for doing the right thing. You may be yelled at, you may be completely cast off by the person. But if you know you're refusing to allow somebody to be harmed by enabling your doing the right thing no matter how they react and make you feel
IMO - My narcissistic adult sibling was always cruel to me, and then ignored me for years. He has a terminal disease, and recently requested money to pay his bills. He mismanaged money his entire life. In fact my parents went broke supporting him. I feel compassion for his condition, but I won't do it.
@@Kindcaringsoulgentle It is my business when he calls and asks me for money. Also, there are laws in place to protect elders from all kinds of abuse. I have consulted an attorney about the situation.
I wish they would have added, "And if you give money, be in agreement with your wife." She has a say. My parents almost divorced because of giving money to family members without the other knowing or agreeing.
@@dancebrittany23 It is not just about the caller though. It's also about the listiners. And there are a few more things that needed to be said in this call.
I always expect Zen advice from John, but tonight, it was Dave that spoke to a problem that arose for me just today. Dave said, "The version of you they create in their head is not your responsibility." I needed to hear that tonight in the worst way. Thank you, Dave.
THANK YOU, DAVE RAMSEY! People NEED to hear this. "Helping people" but they're NOT BETTER from where they were before, you really have not helped them at all. BECAUSE THEY DID NOT LIFT A FINGER TO HELP THEMSELVES!
His siblings are playing him. Who meets with someone knowing they don’t have the money to get back home? That’s manipulative. The honest thing to do would be to tell him they’d like to meet, but can’t afford the trip.where did they have to get home from? Another state, or the diner across town from their home?
This is tough. That sounds like my husband’s side of family. We are doing excellent but not my husband’s 2 brothers. My husband is the baby at 52. Their parents died when they were young. They think cause we have more than them that we should give them money. Only one of them ask but it’s bothering me cause I get up every day to go to work and why should I constantly give my hard earned money to someone who didn’t save. I don’t mind once or twice but every month is ridiculous
Give them nothing. You earned and worked for what you have while they sat around and made poor decisions. You deserve to reap the rewards of your thrift and work, not them.
Don’t provide any extra ‘help’ without strings attached. We provided help to my siblings (often delaying items in our budget), only to discover that our ‘help’ to get them out of financial binds that allowed them to go to Cancun, Hawaii, Disney World Resort, etc. They weren’t willing to give up their ‘extras’, but had no problem crying to us for money because a car payment, rent, etc. was overdue.
Yes every month is ridiculous n that is definitely enabling even if ht was only $10. Your husband n you should talk to the one asking in a nice way before getting so aggravated that you say it not so nice. See what advice can be given to either increase his income or lower his expenses. As obviously what he is doing is not working and been this way for some time rather than an unfortunate setback with an actual cause. Obviously people should have some savings to withstand that but some don't for variety of reasons some likely their fault n some less so. Your husband is not helping by putting this off. What will happen as they get even older?
I once bought a $20 Xbox live card for my younger half brother. He said he'd pay me back. When I asked for repayment he was an unbelievably rude punk. I've never gave him any money ever again. I'm an engineer and high earner, but the disrespect I'll never forget.
@@fabbz94 its not about holding a grudge. Its the hard lesson of someone going back on their word when it comes to a monetary agreement. It sticks with you for life.
@@fabbz94 not a grudge. But hes 27 right now and is still the same. My dad and his mom enabled him into a useless "adult" still lives at home. It's pretty sad
As an adopted child his interaction with his siblings is one of the reasons I’ve never had a desire to connect with my biological family. It’s crass to say but my birth mother had me when she was 14-15 years old and I was born into a crack household before I was taken by DHS. I was blessed ridiculously that an attorney colleague of my dads brought up the issue of me being taken from my birth mother and my dad immediately felt a need to intervene and I was adopted by my family. And that drastically changed the navigation of my life as instead of growing up to an extremely young mother in a drug home I was raised by an upper middle class family and given all the privilege that comes with that. But I’ve never desired to contact my biological family largely because my family is my family and I’ve never had the desire to muddy those waters. But I’ve also hesitated thinking that connecting with possibke siblings who grew up in that environment likely are going to be in bad places and may feel the need to seek support from my wife and I who are in a healthy situation. That’s certainly selfish of me but it’s always been a small nagging feeling whenever the topic has been broached by people when they learn of my adoption.
i agree with your choice. there’s many ways to find records to see how they fared without contacting them. paid genealogy sites and free sites like Find A grave give you access to records and no risk of being “found”
I have lended money 3 times to 3 different family members. They all promised they would pay it back. Only one did. Since then, I promised myself never to lend them money anymore. My brother recently asked me to lend him money again. I lied and said I couldn't. I feel good about my decision and so does my wife.
My narcissistic mother and my wonderful stepfather took ownership of the company. My stepfather worked for hvac. My older brother worked often on since he was a little boy going to work with the stepdad. my brother never went to school for his licensing hvac, but eventually I came along and went to licensing making more money than he made. I felt bad and taught him everything. I knew in the books to get him to pass that test and he did. I became a journeyman and started training them in. as a female, it is rare to be an HVAC journeyman in residential retrofit. Parents got to retirement age, and by that time they had already ran me out of the company. My brother was saying rude stuff to me and my mom acted like all my hard work was never anything to her. My parents retired and my mom gave the shop to my brother the secretary, that was there since her high school years that is now close to 50 years old. That was my first thought what the hell the Secretary was more her daughter than I was. Were the same age and my mom takes trips to Vegas with this lady. I'm one minute, but I'm appears of shit the next. Depends on if I'm kissing her butt or not. I learned it's narcissistic behavior as the reason why my siblings and I are like this. My brother still has no license to drive around and now he's running the company to the ground because he's home by noon. He's making enough money for his pocket. His son drives him around as the employee, but doesn't know the trade enough to Pitchin if something happens. My mom gave my brother the company about three years ago and I remembered they treated me so horribly for asking why they excluded me and they just made my heartbreak. I realize that none of my family is trustworthy and very toxic. I know this has nothing to do with me, but it's still shoves a dagger in my heart. I'm used to the daggers so I can take it. My brother called me this morning because he knows that I am jobless at the moment. I moved to the RV industry as a technician but four years later, lost my job. My brother had the nerve to just asked me to come fill in for his his son driving him around to jobs when his son is out on vacation.😂 they seem to have forgot how they treated me but no worries. I remember very clear. I told my brother yeah sure I'll see and write it on the calendar, but I guarantee you this, I won't be doing it. They will remember how valuable I was to their team because now he gets to do the work all by himself regardless if anybody is going to drive his butt around, so have fun, figuring all that out. my mom in the background instigating she's the narcissistic one that can't show her face now. Let me know if she needs me after She dogged me. What a bunch of vultures!!!! I'm 50 years old and I have a wonderful boy so these toxic people will be shoved into the background where I am safe. They are the only fool in their game. Wonder how it's gonna work out for them and I wish I could be a fly on the wall. It's not necessary for me to see any of it. The Lord has it under control. Release it to the Lord.
There's no issue with giving, but if you help them and they don't improve it didn't really help them..... you can help them once to get them out of a hole, but they shouldn't be coming to you like an atm
I have to keep my two brothers at an arm’s distance. I was the tortoise who plugged along steadily, accepting my responsibilities and building my future. They are the hares. They partied their way thru life, made poor choices, and haven’t secured their futures. They party away any monetary gifts I have given them. It breaks my heart because I truly love them both. I needed to hear this today. Thx!
I think if his sister is disabled and cannot make it every month on the small disability check she gets every month, that might be different, because if she wasn't disabled, she would be able to get a job, and she obviously can't do that if she is seriously disabled. You're actually helping someone to have a better life in a case like that. I have a friend who is physically disabled, and it seems like there is no cure in sight...if anything her physical state, especially lately, has gotten way worse. Helping her to have some of the things she needs is helping her to have a better life than she would have if no one helped her.
@A S Yes I completely understand what you're saying. When you've grown up that way, I can see why you'd feel the way you do. My home when I became a teenager started to become pretty dysfunctional too with my mom having problems, so yeah, I can see why you said what you did about all of that. 👍
@@Sheryl777 So do you give your disabled friend money every month to help her out? And do you also give your disabled friend your home so she doesn't have to worry about rent? Or is it only other people whose supposed to help out? Just wondering if you do as you preach.
@@terriesmith2616 Yes, I do give her money every month to help her out with some food money (since she runs out of being able to afford to buy food about halfway through the month), and help some with money for her many prescriptions she is on monthly, plus buy a few things online that she may need to send to her every month. I've known her for almost 25 years by now. I may not always be able to do so much since my monthly income could drop at some point, and she knows that, but as for now I am able to help, so I do. Also, she lives in a different state than I do, so no she doesn't come to my home, nor I to hers.
@@Sheryl777 this is very nice n I'm not sure why the other commenter seemed to take offense by your distinction about the now disabled sister. I agree,though one certainly doesn't have any obligation to, a family member or friend who can every month with a predetermined amount or a few times a year offer to pay a bill or help with a purchase for a needed item or surprise with an occasional "meal out, gift card,etc" is a kind gesture that is not enabling. Not sure what the other siblings situation ls were but as usual I agree with the advice. I know they only have so much time but perhaps they don't agree but I really think instead of just the budget being drawn up,it's necessary to ask about their living situation and money. Are they working but just don't earn enough to have much of a cushion once the bills are paid or are they living far beyond their means. How can they reduce rent by getting a roommate? How can they begin to earn more money? Go learn a trade etc? Is there a substance abuse or mh problem from all that childhood trauma that can also be dealt with in therapy?
I have a friend, every other week she was borrowing money, I was getting headaches, I told her if she wanted to stay my friend, that I can't keep lending her money, I am retired and on a fixed income and she is married, so she went and got a partime job ,Thank you Jesus
I was adopted by a moderately wealthy family who loved me like I was a biological child and gave me every opportunity anyone could ever have asked for, I'm thankful my birth parents gave me up knowing they couldn't care for me, but this video is an example of why I'll never make contact with them or any siblings I may have. I'm happy to play the great hand I've been given and not push my luck
How does your wife feel? I wouldn't be cool with helping able bodied adults. The disabled sister I understand but I would manage the money, not give it to make sure it's handled for what it was intended. We help his disabled mother but the adult kids really siphon off of her and it's aggravating. They're younger and stronger than us!
Hard to say, but the history of Native Americans being pushed onto what is basically useless land away from economic opportunities does not help their prospects. "Should I stay with family and community or seek better job prospects?" is a real struggle for many communities, but especially for Native Americans.
Given your age an assets, I don't think you are doing well as well as you think. You seem to be on the track right track but you are not really in a position to support your entire extended family. You're siblings are also manipulating you.
I agree he is doing well but not well enough to be supporting the entire extended family. Who is going to help him if he needs help. I try to tell my husband the same thing about his family.
I give my two siblings money every month and they are the most hard working people ever. I'd rather give then and support them more than anyone. But I'm not married and I don't have kids.
I'm done giving siblings money or anything for that matter. They took the money, never ever offered me money when I was needy. I'd do that only for my own kids. They'll use silent treatment as a way to punish me, I don't car anymore.
Great insight ! “I am not the crazy one because I’m sending you Dave Ramsey Books and Videos” “you are because you want to stay in Debt”! - I said it nice don’t worry hahaha 😅
Dave I have a question, what is help? Who do you help then? You love someone so much to let them sleep on the street. Rather just hear a no instead of a lie
I have given money to a relation a few times over the years to meet her loan interests or family living expenses. I have never been paid except once or twice though she always comes with a promise to pay when requesting. I have never expected her to return anyway, and the last few times my help went from monthly money I keep aside for charity which sometimes is underutilized. Is this ok since it's not really affecting my life style? But how do I help her to get out of the rabbit hole of loans she is in.
My sister ghosted me for 2 years knowing I was about to have a baby while she had a 3rd child 8 mths after me. My mom just shows up to her place. She texts me saying sorry, she doesnt know why she pushes me away. Nothing more than 3 to 4 coversations if you can call them that via text. One that was a 22min conversation. But a total of 1 hour of communication and she is asking to borrow money to deposit something that she would give right back.
I work with individuals who are special needs. Without disability payments, they would be homeless. They don't have the resources or the ability to work and function in society, like the rest of us do. Disability isn't always just a handout.
@@leahsmith4310 and I have lived with woman like you,, always advocating about homeless and mental health, social worker.. She finally gave away out own house ( stike a deal with landlord to give house to homeless and get more $ for the rent), Lardlord is money hungry dude went with the plan.. I have no sympathy for homeless / disabled / enabler social worker or money hungry guys like em
there is an important part missing in that advice. That is, actually listen, and engage emotionally. I am not sure the caller needed to here that. He might be an empathetic person. But the listeners did.
My sister since we were kids would always get in trouble. She would want to do questionable things and I would tell her mom is going to get mad. I'm 31 now and my sister is 32. In grade school she was embarrassed to be around me and every morning she would look at herself in the mirror then look at me and laugh at me because she thought she looked better than me.(side note, she would steal my allowance as a kid)My mom passed from cancer 01/01/2014, my dad moved to Arizona with my brother, and my sister and I stayed in California; at that time I was 22 and she 23. I ended up in Chinatown Salinas (I was NOT on drugs) eventually I got out of that situation and started doing better. My brother was going through a divorce and he asked for $1000. I gave it to him, but after months him not giving me any money I knew it was never going to happen. My sister as an adult likes to party, drink and drive,her car would get towed and she would be in and out of jail, she would do drugs, use guys for whatever she needed at the time. Everytime i get her car out I would have to jump through hoops. She needed car cause she was homeless. NOW she got her car repo because she wanted to buy shit she didn't need and not pay her bills. She is now on Meth. I got her a storage unit because she was going to lose her existing one. I organized everything to put in her new unit. The last day i saw her was when i was moving her stuff in her new unit. She through her coffee at me because I couldn't take it anymore with her selfishness and told her she was a drug addict and she is in the situation she is in because of her own bad choices. She told me im supposed to help her because we are blood. A few days after that bullshit my brother texted me by sending me a link to send him money. I asked him what link did he send me and he said, "oh its nothing." So I told him everything that happened with our sister. My brother said im sorry your going through that and then asked me to send $20 or he is going to lose his car. I have told him and my sister multiple times I am on unemployment. I told him i don't have it (I did have money) and he said, "Have a good life you will never hear from me again." Hes been calling and texting and I don't respond anymore. My dad, brother, and sister are all three homeless because they all made bad decisions and wasted their time and money. No one is coming to my wedding. I'm done with my family.
Had a friend of 40 year ask to borrow 8k, ( keep in mind he borrowed 2k and payed me back in 90 day ) 9 mths later after repaying the 2k he wanted to borrow 8k, 12 mths behind on his mortgage
I notice after reading a lot of comments and listening to the video, no one has mentioned the disabled sister. Why? And why is she disabled? Coming from somebody who is disabled and whose family has seen her as a loser from way back, I ask. I ended up homeless because where does one go on $600 a month? I wasn't a drinker and I didn't do drugs I had medical issues and my family notoriously rolled their eyes all the freaking time. I had one sister who was very well off who had three empty bedrooms in her paid for home. I never asked her for a place to live but she knew I needed one. Her and her husband also worked and she worked under the table and didn't pay taxes for over 20 years. If there's drinking or drugs involved and no accountability on how the money is spent either you teach them how to use what they have or you don't do anything. But there seems to be a lot of answers lacking to the questions we don't know about. I'm not saying to help everybody I'm saying it's not a one-size-fits-all and there's a lot of details that need to be gone into.
You're right. Everyone is different. I love my goddaughter but she gets disability and she could work part time but instead she took drugs. She saw her mom ask others every time she got stuck so now she does it. She doesn't care about people until she needs money.
abdcheekytoo. I agree wholeheartedly. Your family sounds pretty cold n uncaring. Likely dysfunctional. Not everyone can or wants to help an unfortunate family membetvout even if they're not using drugs or making any really bad financial decisions. That is their right bit if you were a decent enough sister n person,it sure says alot about them if they don't when they could. I don't know how people live with themselves. I lived in my car 2-3 separate times for combined 3 yrs while having an extremely wealthy sister, 2 parents who were reasonably well off n a grown adult brother who moved back in with them after his divorce. I didn't use drugs either or any obvious spending issue n went to college n worked. Just never married n lived paycheck to paycheck in the northeast where I'm from. Sometimes it doesn't take more than that to end up homeless. Sure we can all take a microscope to any ones financial life and look for errors or things they could have done better but none of them are really game changers. For long time during my 30's n 40's people's salaries simply didn't keep up with cost of rents, housing, cars etc. Most everyone knows this now but it wasn't talked about then n you were made to feel ashamed for not doing well enough in some families like mine. Stay well. You r the better person.
I see what he means when he says his culture is different. Its a very modern American view to keep all your money, kids not financially helping their parents, parents financially cutting off their kids ect (not that I disagree with that). You hear a lot of immigrants say they "send money back home". Almost always. Other cultures have the kids, parents and grandparents all live under one roof, or grandparents living very close by. They're very close knit. American culture leans towards kicking your children out when they're 18, moving away from grandparents, putting the elderly in "homes" and never asking for or discussing the finances of other family members. There are upsides and downsides to both
Well in those countries they don’t have welfare , social security, disability, sec 8, low income anything, snap, free healthcare or retirement plans. The kids HAVE to take care of them. In the US you have decades to NOT be a burden to your kids.
I helped my siblings a lot more than this guy did.. Here it is 1> Gave 50K to my elder brother to buy a house 2> Gave 50K to my elder sister to build her house 3> Gave another sister 70K to start her business 4> Gave my mom over 200K as she is literally broke.. Would die of starvation if I dont support her. And still they look for more help, So now, I have made Dave's plan, I have asked my mom to put 50K as their emergency fund ( but not tell em ) and only give when I am sure they must have. So in a way, giving away is good part, but enabling is bad. I have set and have been setting my % of income for em every year and they are such a failure I feel bad about em.
@@DisabilityExams its more like, they found a way to make a life go around but I am kinda stressful sometimes thinking why am I doing this? but then I realize that they will have better use of these $ then I am. I got all necessity met and doing fine, where as they are in debt and suffering which I can cure by just sharing parts of what I got. Its not straight forward
Congratulations on being able to give your level of giving. Have you tried sharing your financial education with them? That nearly $400K could’ve bought income generating assets. This sounds like a liability more than anything. Giving such money to financially illiterate people is like putting money through a shredder
@@l.chambers1944 Well, I am youngest of all. So in a way, I had received a lot of additional attentions in life ( I would say ) which they have not !! I think my attitude to hustle / dominate and not give up was mostly attributed by my upbringings when they were to lose for me to win situation. So I see that the skills I developed was because they have to let me develop. I dont see myself as not able to not generate for me ( mostly I have diverserse set of skills ). They dont ask often, as I wrote above, I feel they will have much better use of $ than I can so in a way it helps em much better. but yeah, I know that I should not be an enabler, thats why I am setting that 50K emergency as a Boundary now on !
For anyone including Ramsey show what can I do to get out of this house I'm 18 and my mom won't give me my bank account, I don't have a ride I've asked so many people I have money but I unsure how much andim afraid it's being taken I also having a hard time getting my birth certificate because she hides it so I can't get money etc
Aww you sound just like my grandma who expects people in the family to support and feel sorry for my 58-yr-old uncle who is too lazy to work. Wait, are you her?
About 10 years ago my brother asked for 1k. I asked him what it was for... he said he wanted to use it to gamble as he wanted to become a "professional gambler" I said no but if you need food or a ride to a job interview just ask. He hasn't talked to me since.
His loss. You did the right thing.
Wow. Oh well. His loss
At least he was honest. I have an in law that lies about why she needs money.
Wow, a professional gambler
Good riddance 👍🏻 Lucky you!
“If you have the guts to ask me for money, I have the guts to tell you how to use it”. - Dave Ramsey
@JCS
Then be prepared to financially help your parents till the day they die and you can't complain about it either because you didn't set up boundaries.
Exactly. If you're weak, there's no reason to come and post on UA-cam about how weak you are.@@terriesmith2616
The problem sometimes is that you need to know WHY someone needs help. "I can't make rent" isn't enough. WHY can't they make rent is the question. I hate to think this way sometimes, but you also have to ensure they aren't using their "need" as a means to subsidize the bad behavior. Even if you buy them food or something, that still offsets their expenses to a point where it frees up their own money to spend badly.
I feel for the caller. I stopped giving to family and became the "bad guy". The caller needs to be strong and not give them a dime. It will never be enough! Supporting them mentally to get a job and budget their money is what they need from him! Good advice Dave and Dr John.
I think that's an important reality for people in this situation of face. You are going to become in other people's eyes the bad guy for doing the right thing.
You may be yelled at, you may be completely cast off by the person.
But if you know you're refusing to allow somebody to be harmed by enabling your doing the right thing no matter how they react and make you feel
all i do is shout my mates a feed thats it @@random-nz7dy
IMO - My narcissistic adult sibling was always cruel to me, and then ignored me for years. He has a terminal disease, and recently requested money to pay his bills. He mismanaged money his entire life. In fact my parents went broke supporting him. I feel compassion for his condition, but I won't do it.
Quite right but it's also not your problem or concern or even business.
@@Kindcaringsoulgentle It is my business when he calls and asks me for money. Also, there are laws in place to protect elders from all kinds of abuse. I have consulted an attorney about the situation.
Good job. Don’t help him
I wish they would have added, "And if you give money, be in agreement with your wife." She has a say. My parents almost divorced because of giving money to family members without the other knowing or agreeing.
Judging by the caller, he and his wife are on the same page. You're right but I think Dave sensed the tension wasn't between the caller and his wife.
Where did you get the impression that his wife wasn't on-board?
@@dancebrittany23 It is not just about the caller though. It's also about the listiners. And there are a few more things that needed to be said in this call.
I always expect Zen advice from John, but tonight, it was Dave that spoke to a problem that arose for me just today. Dave said, "The version of you they create in their head is not your responsibility." I needed to hear that tonight in the worst way. Thank you, Dave.
I like the party differentiating GIVING from HELPING.
If someone needs money, they need to be taught how to use it. If they arent humble enough for guidance, they arent humble enough to ask for the help
I have a friend who never asks for money but when we talk I can tell if she's in trouble. Then I quietly slip her a $100. A gift. About once a year.
THANK YOU,
DAVE RAMSEY!
People NEED to hear this.
"Helping people"
but they're
NOT BETTER
from where they were before,
you really have not helped
them at all.
BECAUSE THEY DID NOT
LIFT A FINGER TO HELP
THEMSELVES!
His siblings are playing him. Who meets with someone knowing they don’t have the money to get back home? That’s manipulative. The honest thing to do would be to tell him they’d like to meet, but can’t afford the trip.where did they have to get home from? Another state, or the diner across town from their home?
Maybe knowing that big bro is always there to bail them out emboldens them to be more careless.
@@edwardmauer7442 Exactly!
This is tough. That sounds like my husband’s side of family. We are doing excellent but not my husband’s 2 brothers. My husband is the baby at 52. Their parents died when they were young. They think cause we have more than them that we should give them money. Only one of them ask but it’s bothering me cause I get up every day to go to work and why should I constantly give my hard earned money to someone who didn’t save. I don’t mind once or twice but every month is ridiculous
Give them nothing. You earned and worked for what you have while they sat around and made poor decisions. You deserve to reap the rewards of your thrift and work, not them.
Don’t provide any extra ‘help’ without strings attached. We provided help to my siblings (often delaying items in our budget), only to discover that our ‘help’ to get them out of financial binds that allowed them to go to Cancun, Hawaii, Disney World Resort, etc. They weren’t willing to give up their ‘extras’, but had no problem crying to us for money because a car payment, rent, etc. was overdue.
Yes every month is ridiculous n that is definitely enabling even if ht was only $10. Your husband n you should talk to the one asking in a nice way before getting so aggravated that you say it not so nice. See what advice can be given to either increase his income or lower his expenses. As obviously what he is doing is not working and been this way for some time rather than an unfortunate setback with an actual cause. Obviously people should have some savings to withstand that but some don't for variety of reasons some likely their fault n some less so. Your husband is not helping by putting this off. What will happen as they get even older?
I once bought a $20 Xbox live card for my younger half brother. He said he'd pay me back. When I asked for repayment he was an unbelievably rude punk. I've never gave him any money ever again. I'm an engineer and high earner, but the disrespect I'll never forget.
Your holding a grudge with something that happened when he was probably a teenager? You guys still talk?
I make $150k a year and still remember lending $10 to my friend 20 years ago that he never paid. Lol
@@fabbz94 its not about holding a grudge. Its the hard lesson of someone going back on their word when it comes to a monetary agreement. It sticks with you for life.
@@fabbz94 not a grudge. But hes 27 right now and is still the same. My dad and his mom enabled him into a useless "adult" still lives at home. It's pretty sad
@@jasonwill5949 😂
"Help" is not funding someone's delusions or craziness.
Giving money is ok if you have the money and both agree, as long as it isn't constant. They need to fix their problems themselves.
As an adopted child his interaction with his siblings is one of the reasons I’ve never had a desire to connect with my biological family. It’s crass to say but my birth mother had me when she was 14-15 years old and I was born into a crack household before I was taken by DHS. I was blessed ridiculously that an attorney colleague of my dads brought up the issue of me being taken from my birth mother and my dad immediately felt a need to intervene and I was adopted by my family. And that drastically changed the navigation of my life as instead of growing up to an extremely young mother in a drug home I was raised by an upper middle class family and given all the privilege that comes with that. But I’ve never desired to contact my biological family largely because my family is my family and I’ve never had the desire to muddy those waters. But I’ve also hesitated thinking that connecting with possibke siblings who grew up in that environment likely are going to be in bad places and may feel the need to seek support from my wife and I who are in a healthy situation. That’s certainly selfish of me but it’s always been a small nagging feeling whenever the topic has been broached by people when they learn of my adoption.
This is why white people are so cruel. You cannot see this in other culture.
It’s not selfish it’s.called having healthy boundaries.
That is definitely not selfish and I would consider it not only setting boundaries but also looking out for your best interests
i agree with your choice. there’s many ways to find records to see how they fared without contacting them. paid genealogy sites and free sites like Find A grave give you access to records and no risk of being “found”
I have lended money 3 times to 3 different family members. They all promised they would pay it back. Only one did. Since then, I promised myself never to lend them money anymore.
My brother recently asked me to lend him money again. I lied and said I couldn't. I feel good about my decision and so does my wife.
My narcissistic mother and my wonderful stepfather took ownership of the company. My stepfather worked for hvac. My older brother worked often on since he was a little boy going to work with the stepdad. my brother never went to school for his licensing hvac, but eventually I came along and went to licensing making more money than he made. I felt bad and taught him everything. I knew in the books to get him to pass that test and he did. I became a journeyman and started training them in. as a female, it is rare to be an HVAC journeyman in residential retrofit.
Parents got to retirement age, and by that time they had already ran me out of the company. My brother was saying rude stuff to me and my mom acted like all my hard work was never anything to her. My parents retired and my mom gave the shop to my brother the secretary, that was there since her high school years that is now close to 50 years old. That was my first thought what the hell the Secretary was more her daughter than I was. Were the same age and my mom takes trips to Vegas with this lady. I'm one minute, but I'm appears of shit the next. Depends on if I'm kissing her butt or not. I learned it's narcissistic behavior as the reason why my siblings and I are like this.
My brother still has no license to drive around and now he's running the company to the ground because he's home by noon. He's making enough money for his pocket. His son drives him around as the employee, but doesn't know the trade enough to Pitchin if something happens.
My mom gave my brother the company about three years ago and I remembered they treated me so horribly for asking why they excluded me and they just made my heartbreak. I realize that none of my family is trustworthy and very toxic. I know this has nothing to do with me, but it's still shoves a dagger in my heart. I'm used to the daggers so I can take it.
My brother called me this morning because he knows that I am jobless at the moment. I moved to the RV industry as a technician but four years later, lost my job. My brother had the nerve to just asked me to come fill in for his his son driving him around to jobs when his son is out on vacation.😂 they seem to have forgot how they treated me but no worries. I remember very clear. I told my brother yeah sure I'll see and write it on the calendar, but I guarantee you this, I won't be doing it. They will remember how valuable I was to their team because now he gets to do the work all by himself regardless if anybody is going to drive his butt around, so have fun, figuring all that out. my mom in the background instigating she's the narcissistic one that can't show her face now. Let me know if she needs me after She dogged me.
What a bunch of vultures!!!!
I'm 50 years old and I have a wonderful boy so these toxic people will be shoved into the background where I am safe. They are the only fool in their game. Wonder how it's gonna work out for them and I wish I could be a fly on the wall. It's not necessary for me to see any of it. The Lord has it under control. Release it to the Lord.
If they turn down your terms of getting your money, then they were just Using You.
There's no issue with giving, but if you help them and they don't improve it didn't really help them..... you can help them once to get them out of a hole, but they shouldn't be coming to you like an atm
Thank you so much for the honest answers to this question.
I have to keep my two brothers at an arm’s distance. I was the tortoise who plugged along steadily, accepting my responsibilities and building my future. They are the hares. They partied their way thru life, made poor choices, and haven’t secured their futures. They party away any monetary gifts I have given them. It breaks my heart because I truly love them both. I needed to hear this today. Thx!
Most definitely agree with the comments and suggestions.
Dave Ramsey, most efficiently, distills the situation, to an unambiguous answer, he is an amazing guy Dave Ramsey
I ❤ how Dave, keeps it real!
I think if his sister is disabled and cannot make it every month on the small disability check she gets every month, that might be different, because if she wasn't disabled, she would be able to get a job, and she obviously can't do that if she is seriously disabled. You're actually helping someone to have a better life in a case like that. I have a friend who is physically disabled, and it seems like there is no cure in sight...if anything her physical state, especially lately, has gotten way worse. Helping her to have some of the things she needs is helping her to have a better life than she would have if no one helped her.
@A S I'm sure some people are doing that, but there are a lot of people who are legitimately disabled also though.
@A S Yes I completely understand what you're saying. When you've grown up that way, I can see why you'd feel the way you do. My home when I became a teenager started to become pretty dysfunctional too with my mom having problems, so yeah, I can see why you said what you did about all of that. 👍
@@Sheryl777
So do you give your disabled friend money every month to help her out? And do you also give your disabled friend your home so she doesn't have to worry about rent?
Or is it only other people whose supposed to help out? Just wondering if you do as you preach.
@@terriesmith2616 Yes, I do give her money every month to help her out with some food money (since she runs out of being able to afford to buy food about halfway through the month), and help some with money for her many prescriptions she is on monthly, plus buy a few things online that she may need to send to her every month. I've known her for almost 25 years by now. I may not always be able to do so much since my monthly income could drop at some point, and she knows that, but as for now I am able to help, so I do.
Also, she lives in a different state than I do, so no she doesn't come to my home, nor I to hers.
@@Sheryl777 this is very nice n I'm not sure why the other commenter seemed to take offense by your distinction about the now disabled sister. I agree,though one certainly doesn't have any obligation to, a family member or friend who can every month with a predetermined amount or a few times a year offer to pay a bill or help with a purchase for a needed item or surprise with an occasional "meal out, gift card,etc" is a kind gesture that is not enabling. Not sure what the other siblings situation ls were but as usual I agree with the advice. I know they only have so much time but perhaps they don't agree but I really think instead of just the budget being drawn up,it's necessary to ask about their living situation and money. Are they working but just don't earn enough to have much of a cushion once the bills are paid or are they living far beyond their means. How can they reduce rent by getting a roommate? How can they begin to earn more money? Go learn a trade etc? Is there a substance abuse or mh problem from all that childhood trauma that can also be dealt with in therapy?
Depends on how the family member is behaving.
Don't hand money to an alcoholic, gambler or drug abuser.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day, teach a man to fish he eats for a lifetime.
I have a friend, every other week she was borrowing money, I was getting headaches, I told her if she wanted to stay my friend, that I can't keep lending her money, I am retired and on a fixed income and she is married, so she went and got a partime job ,Thank you Jesus
I’m hoping, as a friend, she paid you back.
@lisadearing5960 yes she paid me back, but it was a every week thing,for like two years
I was adopted by a moderately wealthy family who loved me like I was a biological child and gave me every opportunity anyone could ever have asked for, I'm thankful my birth parents gave me up knowing they couldn't care for me, but this video is an example of why I'll never make contact with them or any siblings I may have. I'm happy to play the great hand I've been given and not push my luck
How does your wife feel? I wouldn't be cool with helping able bodied adults. The disabled sister I understand but I would manage the money, not give it to make sure it's handled for what it was intended. We help his disabled mother but the adult kids really siphon off of her and it's aggravating. They're younger and stronger than us!
And they're lazy and refuse to work even with one being a college graduate!
Aside from the disabled sister, is there any reason the other siblings can't emulate/be as successful as the caller?
Hard to say, but the history of Native Americans being pushed onto what is basically useless land away from economic opportunities does not help their prospects. "Should I stay with family and community or seek better job prospects?" is a real struggle for many communities, but especially for Native Americans.
Given your age an assets, I don't think you are doing well as well as you think. You seem to be on the track right track but you are not really in a position to support your entire extended family. You're siblings are also manipulating you.
I agree he is doing well but not well enough to be supporting the entire extended family. Who is going to help him if he needs help. I try to tell my husband the same thing about his family.
Should have never found out who your biological siblings were.
Lol
Give money don't loan
I don’t understand cultures or families that cannibalize their young financially and I don’t want to.
The qu. is: will it be a hand UP or a Hand out......
I give my two siblings money every month and they are the most hard working people ever. I'd rather give then and support them more than anyone. But I'm not married and I don't have kids.
How much do u give n why, do you plan to do this indefinitely? Are they married or single? Kids? This is curious to me
Great insight Doc John.
"I'm gonna teach you to fish."
I'm done giving siblings money or anything for that matter. They took the money, never ever offered me money when I was needy. I'd do that only for my own kids. They'll use silent treatment as a way to punish me, I don't car anymore.
At least if they’re silent, they aren’t asking you for more money!
Great insight ! “I am not the crazy one because I’m sending you Dave Ramsey Books and Videos” “you are because you want to stay in Debt”! - I said it nice don’t worry hahaha 😅
Great piece of advice!
Dave I have a question, what is help? Who do you help then? You love someone so much to let them sleep on the street. Rather just hear a no instead of a lie
Very helpful!
Not necessarily. If you put some stipulations around it, then maybe you can keep from enabling them.
I have given money to a relation a few times over the years to meet her loan interests or family living expenses. I have never been paid except once or twice though she always comes with a promise to pay when requesting. I have never expected her to return anyway, and the last few times my help went from monthly money I keep aside for charity which sometimes is underutilized.
Is this ok since it's not really affecting my life style? But how do I help her to get out of the rabbit hole of loans she is in.
My sister ghosted me for 2 years knowing I was about to have a baby while she had a 3rd child 8 mths after me. My mom just shows up to her place. She texts me saying sorry, she doesnt know why she pushes me away. Nothing more than 3 to 4 coversations if you can call them that via text. One that was a 22min conversation. But a total of 1 hour of communication and she is asking to borrow money to deposit something that she would give right back.
Imagine if "disability" payments weren't a thing. Would these people just die or figure their life out?
That's a bit harsh.
@@dancebrittany23 There’s a lot of fraud.
For the true disabled, it's harsh. But there are dumb people that use the system.
I work with individuals who are special needs. Without disability payments, they would be homeless. They don't have the resources or the ability to work and function in society, like the rest of us do. Disability isn't always just a handout.
@@leahsmith4310 and I have lived with woman like you,, always advocating about homeless and mental health, social worker.. She finally gave away out own house ( stike a deal with landlord to give house to homeless and get more $ for the rent), Lardlord is money hungry dude went with the plan..
I have no sympathy for homeless / disabled / enabler social worker or money hungry guys like em
That’s real stuff right there
Yes.
there is an important part missing in that advice. That is, actually listen, and engage emotionally. I am not sure the caller needed to here that. He might be an empathetic person. But the listeners did.
If someone is in a bad financial situation, they made at least a dozen bad decisions that lead them there.
untouchable360x unless they are truly disabled and can't work due to that.
It’s not his job to fund his siblings are fix them. Let it go. Have a relationship with them and be loving, but no money.
My sister since we were kids would always get in trouble. She would want to do questionable things and I would tell her mom is going to get mad. I'm 31 now and my sister is 32. In grade school she was embarrassed to be around me and every morning she would look at herself in the mirror then look at me and laugh at me because she thought she looked better than me.(side note, she would steal my allowance as a kid)My mom passed from cancer 01/01/2014, my dad moved to Arizona with my brother, and my sister and I stayed in California; at that time I was 22 and she 23. I ended up in Chinatown Salinas (I was NOT on drugs) eventually I got out of that situation and started doing better. My brother was going through a divorce and he asked for $1000. I gave it to him, but after months him not giving me any money I knew it was never going to happen. My sister as an adult likes to party, drink and drive,her car would get towed and she would be in and out of jail, she would do drugs, use guys for whatever she needed at the time. Everytime i get her car out I would have to jump through hoops. She needed car cause she was homeless. NOW she got her car repo because she wanted to buy shit she didn't need and not pay her bills. She is now on Meth. I got her a storage unit because she was going to lose her existing one. I organized everything to put in her new unit. The last day i saw her was when i was moving her stuff in her new unit. She through her coffee at me because I couldn't take it anymore with her selfishness and told her she was a drug addict and she is in the situation she is in because of her own bad choices. She told me im supposed to help her because we are blood. A few days after that bullshit my brother texted me by sending me a link to send him money. I asked him what link did he send me and he said, "oh its nothing." So I told him everything that happened with our sister. My brother said im sorry your going through that and then asked me to send $20 or he is going to lose his car. I have told him and my sister multiple times I am on unemployment. I told him i don't have it (I did have money) and he said, "Have a good life you will never hear from me again." Hes been calling and texting and I don't respond anymore. My dad, brother, and sister are all three homeless because they all made bad decisions and wasted their time and money. No one is coming to my wedding. I'm done with my family.
You are from Oregon. What else do you expect.
If your siblings need it geniunely then give it ....help them but they are trying to.take advantage then stop...
Help the disabled family member.
Give them a boost once, everyone needs a boost to start
As long as they pay it back, that’s all that matters.
Had a friend of 40 year ask to borrow 8k, ( keep in mind he borrowed 2k and payed me back in 90 day ) 9 mths later after repaying the 2k he wanted to borrow 8k, 12 mths behind on his mortgage
I notice after reading a lot of comments and listening to the video, no one has mentioned the disabled sister.
Why?
And why is she disabled?
Coming from somebody who is disabled and whose family has seen her as a loser from way back, I ask. I ended up homeless because where does one go on $600 a month?
I wasn't a drinker and I didn't do drugs I had medical issues and my family notoriously rolled their eyes all the freaking time.
I had one sister who was very well off who had three empty bedrooms in her paid for home. I never asked her for a place to live but she knew I needed one. Her and her husband also worked and she worked under the table and didn't pay taxes for over 20 years.
If there's drinking or drugs involved and no accountability on how the money is spent either you teach them how to use what they have or you don't do anything.
But there seems to be a lot of answers lacking to the questions we don't know about. I'm not saying to help everybody I'm saying it's not a one-size-fits-all and there's a lot of details that need to be gone into.
You're right. Everyone is different. I love my goddaughter but she gets disability and she could work part time but instead she took drugs. She saw her mom ask others every time she got stuck so now she does it. She doesn't care about people until she needs money.
abdcheekytoo. I agree wholeheartedly. Your family sounds pretty cold n uncaring. Likely dysfunctional. Not everyone can or wants to help an unfortunate family membetvout even if they're not using drugs or making any really bad financial decisions. That is their right bit if you were a decent enough sister n person,it sure says alot about them if they don't when they could. I don't know how people live with themselves. I lived in my car 2-3 separate times for combined 3 yrs while having an extremely wealthy sister, 2 parents who were reasonably well off n a grown adult brother who moved back in with them after his divorce. I didn't use drugs either or any obvious spending issue n went to college n worked. Just never married n lived paycheck to paycheck in the northeast where I'm from. Sometimes it doesn't take more than that to end up homeless. Sure we can all take a microscope to any ones financial life and look for errors or things they could have done better but none of them are really game changers. For long time during my 30's n 40's people's salaries simply didn't keep up with cost of rents, housing, cars etc. Most everyone knows this now but it wasn't talked about then n you were made to feel ashamed for not doing well enough in some families like mine. Stay well. You r the better person.
@@mkelly4042why didn’t you get a roommate or something? Rent a room?
I would take 3 jobs before I asked for money. Especially my siblings.
I see what he means when he says his culture is different. Its a very modern American view to keep all your money, kids not financially helping their parents, parents financially cutting off their kids ect (not that I disagree with that). You hear a lot of immigrants say they "send money back home". Almost always. Other cultures have the kids, parents and grandparents all live under one roof, or grandparents living very close by. They're very close knit. American culture leans towards kicking your children out when they're 18, moving away from grandparents, putting the elderly in "homes" and never asking for or discussing the finances of other family members. There are upsides and downsides to both
Well in those countries they don’t have welfare , social security, disability, sec 8, low income anything, snap, free healthcare or retirement plans. The kids HAVE to take care of them. In the US you have decades to NOT be a burden to your kids.
Check out the books REAL LOVE BY GREG BAER! Dave and John and anyone else who wants to that reads this. Book will change your life
My guess is that there is substance abuse involved. Perhaps talk to them about that first.
I helped my siblings a lot more than this guy did.. Here it is
1> Gave 50K to my elder brother to buy a house
2> Gave 50K to my elder sister to build her house
3> Gave another sister 70K to start her business
4> Gave my mom over 200K as she is literally broke.. Would die of starvation if I dont support her.
And still they look for more help, So now, I have made Dave's plan, I have asked my mom to put 50K as their emergency fund ( but not tell em ) and only give when I am sure they must have. So in a way, giving away is good part, but enabling is bad. I have set and have been setting my % of income for em every year and they are such a failure I feel bad about em.
There's people who can't handle money dying of starvation everywhere you look in the USA!
@@DisabilityExams its more like, they found a way to make a life go around but I am kinda stressful sometimes thinking why am I doing this? but then I realize that they will have better use of these $ then I am. I got all necessity met and doing fine, where as they are in debt and suffering which I can cure by just sharing parts of what I got.
Its not straight forward
Congratulations on being able to give your level of giving. Have you tried sharing your financial education with them? That nearly $400K could’ve bought income generating assets. This sounds like a liability more than anything. Giving such money to financially illiterate people is like putting money through a shredder
@@l.chambers1944 Well, I am youngest of all. So in a way, I had received a lot of additional attentions in life ( I would say ) which they have not !! I think my attitude to hustle / dominate and not give up was mostly attributed by my upbringings when they were to lose for me to win situation. So I see that the skills I developed was because they have to let me develop. I dont see myself as not able to not generate for me ( mostly I have diverserse set of skills ).
They dont ask often, as I wrote above, I feel they will have much better use of $ than I can so in a way it helps em much better. but yeah, I know that I should not be an enabler, thats why I am setting that 50K emergency as a Boundary now on !
@@premchettri7170 Whether you know it or not you have become the "go to" sibling who everybody knows is the Family ATM.
She gone enable her way out of retirement
JOHN 14:6😊❤
304 ruined families
Too many babies. Adopt.
Does Dave ever answer questions posted here?
Not that I know of ...I've never seen that happen (so far) anyway.
@@Sheryl777 No. George sometimes responds to comments though.
@@jrwntctv8091 👍
Maybe you're helping them too much
Hopefully not
For anyone including Ramsey show what can I do to get out of this house I'm 18 and my mom won't give me my bank account, I don't have a ride I've asked so many people I have money but I unsure how much andim afraid it's being taken I also having a hard time getting my birth certificate because she hides it so I can't get money etc
Ouch 😳!
Do you have anywhere to go?
Maybe find someone to talk to about it like a pastor or a teacher you know or just someone that can help you in your situation.
@@morpheus6609 no I don't bo family outside of me
@@Sheryl777 I've tried they say they can't help me
👍💯👏💣💥
I have always told our daughter if Mommy and Daddy are paying the bills, Mommy and Daddy OWN you. Epilogue" She pays her OWN BILLS.
😎👌✌👍🖖🤓
20th comment
It's called loving them. Something David doesn't know anything about because of his cold, dead heart.
Aww you sound just like my grandma who expects people in the family to support and feel sorry for my 58-yr-old uncle who is too lazy to work.
Wait, are you her?