Other people’s moods. Childhood trauma triggers.
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- Опубліковано 1 лют 2024
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Other people’s anger is TERRIFYING
Yes, yes it is. Terrifying, but also empowering, because we can stand there watching them lose themselves & we get a choice. We get to keep our cool. Being triggered is horrible, I've been there, & at times it took ne down for the count, but I've also experienced that empowerment when I was able to hold tight to my calm & refuse to allow them acess to my calm. It actually felt F****n awesome
Omg same! I have a neighbor across the street who flies off the handle and throws things and cusses when he works on his truck and if I hear it I’m anxious all day. Even after he stops I’m still on edge and, logically, I have nothing to do with why he’s upset. It still triggers me so much, though
So true
When I hear someone loudly verbally abusing another, makes me actually shake with fear. It’s a huge trigger. If someone tries verbally abusing me, it makes me “see red.” I am learning how to stop that anger response, but it’s hard. Mainly, I use avoidance.
Exactly 💯
It's exhausting, the belief that everything somehow relates back you.
As an adult I notice this immediately. I have to talk myself out of it and continue to tell myself "you are NOT responsible for their mood" and more.
Yes and for me "thats about them and their feelings "
Yes!!!😼😌👏👏👏
And I still think that I probably am and just trying to brush my responsibility off by telling that to myself :(
I totally feel responsible for the moods and feel like I have to help them and fix it and make everything okay. My entire childhood was that. Thank you Patrick because since listening to your videos I’m almost no contact and I’m doing okay now.
❤️❤️
Absolutely relate
The most freeing thing I have learned; is that I am not responsible for how others choose to feel. That we can choose and control how we feel. There are of course automatic bodily responses to trauma that needs to be trained out of the body; and thinking that needs re-wiring in our neural pathways.
But, we *CAN* re wire our brains, we *CAN* choose how to feel about others and events, and healing is possible for all of us.
Learning that I wasn’t responsible for my father’s anger and yelling and abuse; that was the key to free me from my prison. 🗝️🪽
It was the first principle I had to learn. God taught it to me first; and I find that truth affirmed 100x over during my trauma work.
Exactly
I think there's another mood - when someone is angry or upset what I do is freeze, make myself small and shrink away if I can. I also get really quiet. I can be in the same room with the person and still I can feel myself shrinking down like Alice in the moment.
I do the same thing.
Please this is the most relatable response I have when I can sense a shift in the mood of people around me. In fact my nervous system is so much wired to stay vigilant on every person’s tone, body language, facial expressions, even the change in their footsteps. My immediate response is to fade away in the background asap & as much as possible. I know I’m not responsible for their moods but that’s the safest way to exist without further worsening their moods.
@kuroneko9327 I get you. I used to hide as a child because of having so many people around with shifting moods. I have always been very emotional and sensitive. I learned over the years to avoid it or spend days upset about it. I still struggle with this.
I stopped being available to absorb people’s bad energy.
I would say I'm neither overly empathetic nor defensive. I'm mostly just hypervigilant-if I sense that someone is in a bad/tense mood, I literally cannot pull my eyes away from them. I don't really act or say anything, I'm basically just frozen, observing every nuance of their body language and heart pounding a mile a minute. I guess in my head I am sorta going through and trying to trace back to when their tense mood started and whether I did anything to cause it.
Not enough people talk about the freeze response :(
For me I think the problem was the disproportionately intense or unkind reactions to very minor offense or mistakes. Nothing was ever "not a big deal" with a reassuring smile - it was always a mistake... and mistakes were unacceptable.
Offenses. Mistakes are unacceptable! 🤭🫡
I feel this. ❤
THIS. Exactly this.
Same! And life is mistakes, learning is mistakes so after a while it is easy to become paralysed, lose motivation, lose your interest in everything, drop your hobbies and get scared of everything. Or you might agree to everything and push yourself to hard to be perfect.
I'm sorry this happened to you, have a hug 🤗
Min/ max ing. Minimizing the wrongness of their own actions; catastrophizing your actions. Sigh. So warped. I hope we can all become free of these traumas.
Other people’s moods 100% for me. Fawning and feeling anxious and easily controlled when threatened with the knowledge of the bad mood response if I don’t do what someone wants.
This
The first one, definitely... I think it came from not wanting to trigger a mood... Not wanting to rock the boat... I became super tuned into other's body language, tone, facial expressions, etc.
YES! Me too.
@@sueg2658 💓
Same here. How do we break this habit is the ?
@@cds8249 I wish I knew... So many things to work on with my counselor... 💓
@@suzetteroberts6575 I 100% understand!
I tend to lean mostly to the side of assuming I caused other people's moods. Where does that come from? Hmmm... Well that's how it felt often as a child and teenager. When I wanted or needed my parents it often had the potential to upset, frustrat and burden them. They could suddenly get very loud, mad, sad or all of the above. Sometimes it would feel like my mere existence was just too much for them and they couldn't handle to be around me at all. As a kid, you don't understand they are responsible for their own mood and/or they have their adult problems. I just wanted them to love me and feel happy to be with me. How could you not turn that inward and start trying to figure out "what did I do?" "How can I act differently to make their life easier and keep them around more?" It caused decades of intense people pleasing and anxiety without ever feeling good enough still. These days, I try to remember just to focus on my own mood. You find that most days, that coworker sighing has very little to do with you at all. Other people have their own lives going on. I'm just not really as big a deal in people's lives as I used to be in the toxic family system. And it feel great to just let myself exist more and more.
I'm glad you're doing better 😊
I had a very similar upbringing. When I had a problem I was treated like I was the problem. When I needed help no one saw my pain, only the bother it caused to them and the trouble. Also, I was literally told that I'm responsible for their moods 'You made me angry!', 'It's your fault I'm screaming! I wouldn't if you wouldn't do the thing!', 'You should be more understanding with your mother, she has it tough', 'Oh, so you don't know why I'm not talking with you? Well if you don't know why, then clearly you don't love me enough 😩' and so on. And if my mood wouldn't match their mood they would get angry with me i.e. if they were angry with some person I was expected to get angry at them too, trying to understand them or situation was seen as a personal attack at my parent.
I'm learning that too. Most of the time other people emotions are not about us. Getting good at it when I'm rested. But if I'm tired or the other person is close to me, it gets harder as I automatically become defensive
As a kid, I knew that the moods of the adults in the house were not my fault; but I also knew that I was at their mercy, and had no real power to fight back or speak my mind or get them to see that they were taking their frustrations out on the rest of us.
That feeling of helplessness, of powerlessness endures to this day, and when I can, I tend to stay the hell away from other people, so as not to have to bear the brunt of their inability to process their emotions.
So well said!!
I’m both. First I take responsibility and try to fix it. Then if I can’t I get irrationally angry.
The only thing I fear is that I will get physically hit by the other person when they show anger or a intense mood. I’m a grown as$ man and still fear this
Thank you for sharing! These old fears can be so intense. In these situations I try to tell my fear or my inner child that I’m their adult friend who’s here to protect them and that it is okay to be afraid. Have a good day 🫶🏻
Sad to hear , horrible.. ! 😲
God this is so true. I notice people's moods SO quickly. I actually hate working with moody people because it so fucks with me trying to figure out if they're annoyed or mad enough to 'go off' any second. It's all from my upbringing. It causes me lots of stress at work.
Oh I always think it's something I did to cause it. Always my fault...
I just repeat to myself it's not my business but it is definitely hard to not immediately start taking over to fix it.
🫂
True!! 🎉🎉a practice.
Emotionally immature, unstable, neglectful mother. Her problem not mine. Hope she's resting in peace ✌️
The only thing we have power over, the only person we can control is ourselves. That is enough of a task in and of itself. It’s liberating to acknowledge this.
But scary too
Yes!!!, also incidents that saw & we were exposed to can also tell ourselves its not our fault. 🎉🎉
I know exactly where mine came from - the cold 🥶 silence mood is triggering for me. Me guessing what “did I do” internal questioning myself, over and over …
The thing that bothered me was not that I felt responsible for the moods but the inability to do something about the people who tried to make me responsible for their moods. It caused so much anger and distrust. I felt separated and, at times, guilty for not feeling responsible.
I feel you!
I can relate to your experience!
Thank you for sharing!
For me, it was the absolute terror of their alcoholic binges, passing out, loud retching, vomit-filled basins, and blood on the living room floor... And the day to day walking on eggshells because you never knew when they'd fly into a violent rage.
This has definitely been me, I didn't know this was a common thing. I guess it makes sense, a lot of us grow up afraid, even terrified of what our parents will do when they're in a bad mood.
I feel like I lean towards the second one. I become terrified that I will lose the person because I upset them, so then I get into lawyer mode to convince them it's not my fault. Growing up my aunt was constantly threatening to send me back to my father, so I was always giving a testimony of how I actually did do what she asked (which she contradicted because of her manipulative brainwashing.) I was always trashed for "talking back," being "disrespectful," and plumb narcissistic for insisting I was right. Truthfully, I was pleading a case to not get kicked out when I'd tore myself apart to please her.
I often feel like I'm in immenient danger if someone near me is angry or even frustrated. I pick up on it so quickly and immediately freeze or try to gtfo out of the situation. I hate being around when someone's angry because I'm scared it'll get directed at me.
1. It's exhausting as hell. U take everything personally. I wish the government funds a program where u go into rehab and heal all these patterns before going back out into life. I have ptsd from work and church and relationships and friends and family relationships bc of these patterns i have. Soo exhausting 😢😢
I grew up by never knowing what mood anyone would be in at any given time due to a lot of substance abuse, undiagnosed personality disorders, and undiagnosed mental illness. Mostly the moods were derogatory; and the good moods were phony either for manipulation or to parentified. Unfortunately, I internalized it all and blamed myself since the perpetrators constantly said everything was my fault. There was no merit to that, I finally realized. It took me 53 years to realize it after discovering CPTSD from this channel and beginning my recovery journey. In turn, my biggest survival mechanisms were freezing and fawning. I almost wish I used anger instead. At least I would have stuck up for myself for over half my life. I was still letting them do it to me at that age. I went NO CONTACT with all of them. It was the best thing I could have done for myself, emotionally. Now at 55 I’ve done a lot of the hard healing work. It’s always going to be a work in progress, however, for the rest of my life. I’ve recently gone back to school again, since I’ve never known what I wanted to be when I grew up lol. It is so hard for me to recognize the subconscious thought process I will always have to fight that is filled with those people’s voices telling me what a piece of shit I am and how I’ll never succeed. I almost gave up on the new educational program and contemplated getting a refund when I just started it. I couldn’t accomplish my studies for 12 days because of it and my trauma therapist had to point out to me why I was giving up on a chance for a real career, once again. I need to succeed badly, too, to be able to support myself and my dog, on my own. It’s so hard to overcome how the mind works. I’m struggling every day. However, I do feel more relief from it than I ever did. I’m older so it is harder for me to learn, now, but have recognized that I’ve always been reasonably intelligent and there’s nothing keeping me from finishing this program but my own fears and subconscious beliefs that I can’t recognize, yet, alone. CPTSD is a bitch to recover from but it’s worth it. Thank you, Patrick, for all you do. Thank you community for your support. I wish you all the best on your recovery journeys. Stick with it and hang in there. Don’t let those who caused you so much damage have any more of your life. Don’t wait until you’re my age to start getting better if you’re new to this channel and haven’t had an “awakening” of self-awareness and reality of other’s actions. This stuff is all somberly real and needs to be dealt with. Patrick is the best and will lead you on the right path. The work is gut-wrenching but it gives you your soul back, eventually. ❤
It took me to my early 30s to realize I had this problem and I didn't understand why until I started therapy. My parents are emotionally immature and fought like cats and dogs (still do to this day they are in their late 70s). If mom was in a bad mood then everyone had to be in one with her. Now I don't give a s*** but it's very toxic to children and I'm sending love to anyone unravelling this area of their childhood trauma.
I noticed the other day that I felt absolute dread and fear of getting into trouble when my higher ups at work were just laughing at something they were talking about, that had nothing to do with me. I still don't know why I felt that way, but I have a feeling it had to do with something I can't remember from childhood
Thank God I recognized that thier mood swings isn't anything I did. They're just mean and like to use their mood swings as a form of control and manipulation. I used to spend my life trying to please them to win their love. If they can't love their children unconditionally then any kind of love I earn is all fake. Why waste my time on that! I'm cordial when I have to be around them but that's it. It's exhausting when I have to be fake around them just so we don't have turmoils.
My parents specifically told me that everyone else's mood or opinion was *my doing," and it's "selfish" to manage my life around preventing other people from potentially not approving of me. It's multiple layers that I'm trying to untangle to find my core self.
I am SOOOO that first one!!! My mind will seriously convince me that everything is my fault! It sucks!!!
Thank you for putting this into words ❤
I will think about this next time I'm blaming myself for something and hopefully interrupt the guilt and shame
I can really relate to this. Being blamed for everything growing up (not being perfect, not doing what I was told, doing what I was told but it's still the wrong thing.. I could go on for a while) is the root of my trigger. That and it was always my role to make things better. Grateful that now my second thought is, "it's not your fault", after your recent UA-cam short, Patrick. Thank you so much for that 🥰.
Yep. I know exactly where it came from: my mother telling me from a very young age, after she did something awful to me that “you made me do it” emphasis on the “made”. I didn’t understand it then, but one thing was certain is that I was the keeper/manager of their emotions, or tried to be. Didn’t stop any beatings or other abuse, but I sure tried to get them down from their rages. Lots of therapy has gotten me to the place where another person’s emotion isn’t my fault & I leave it to them to deal with….sometimes with repercussions, but again, it’s on them not me.
Great video, thanks. 💕
I'm the sort who thinks I must have caused it. It's been a learning process over the years to (a) try to separate my own wellbeing from their mood and (b) talk myself through the fact that their mood could be caused by various things not related to me. It's been a struggle with friends, co-workers, partners.
Sometimes, you say something that creates a flood of ancient emotion to wash over me. "It's me. I'm the problem."
I really needed this today thank you.
Omg, you nail every time and I had no idea where all my reactions come from - you describe them to a tee! Thank you so much for your insights! ❤
I definitely do both, I guess it depends on who the other person is and how they are to others in general. Meaning... whether I feel comfortable enough calling them out asking "what's wrong" or just being quiet and trying to appease their mood.
This is real. Also, at the same time, many people out there will use this against you to destroy you.
Reactive and defensive ftw? 😅 I know mine comes from getting TIRED and fed up from catching my dad’s moods. After a point you never knew what would set him off, but as a child I already wanted him to knock it off. I got tired of being the scapegoat.
I was the change of life baby… inner thought: I brought more financial instability triggering stress, anger, abuse, and resentment that belonged to my father and HIS failures as not meeting up to HIS commitments to fatherhood. I have to know learn how to forgive.. I am in stage 1of 3. It hurt and it’s a lot.
I've always felt responsible for other people's feelings. And in unpacking a lot of my childhood trauma over the last couple years, I've realized it's because my mother heavily parentified me and looked to me to manage her feelings for her. She even told a friend one day, "I don't need a therapist, I have my son take care of all that."
It's been a slow journey in unburdening myself of the responsibility of managing other people's thoughts, feeling and emotions.
Kind of both for me, but more the overly responsible thing. I feel like it is my job to "fix" EVERYONE around me. If I know someone is sad, I immediately start looking for gifts I can give them, bend over backwards to make them laugh, do hours of research to solve whatever problem they may have, go without sleep to do favors and run errands for them (I work nights), and completely lose myself in solving/easing whatever problems the other person may have. I am also sometimes bad about unsolicited advice and then getting really frustrated when that advice isn't taken, because in my mind your problem is actually MY problem to fix. I only recently became conscious of this and realized it was because that was my way of trying to control the chaos and "win my mom's love" growing up. She was always erratic and her violent rage would come out of nowhere, so I learned to make sure she was appeased at all times no matter what to prevent it. I get frustrated when people don't take my advice because the knowledge that whatever it is will most likely escalate if they don't deal with it means (according to my experience) that I will then be blamed, attacked, and rages at when it inevitably goes wrong, so it gets my anxiety up a lot and ai stay on edge waiting for the "explosion" to come. I have started asking my friends to call me out if I do this to them, and it has helped a bit. It's such a natural reaction and process by 40 years old that I am not even conscious of doing it half the time.
My stepbrother and stepsister, who I rarely spoke to and who lived on the other side of the world, had a big falling out and i found myself wondering if it was somehow my fault
This is something I struggle with a lot.
EVERYTHING is my responsibility, my fault…
Even when someone is my fault, I’m responsible for managing everyone else’s emotions around me.
I just broke up with my long term partner and instead of coping and processing my own feelings and grief…. I can’t stop focusing on his pain, what he’s going through. It’s taking a lot of work to recognise that his emotions are no longer my responsibility…..and that they never were.
Yes. I stayed stuck in this phase 3 years post divorce. I'm finally letting go of it and I'm feeling lighter emotionally and physically.
i have this at a severe level. Its hard for me to even go to the gym if I feel the person next to me going through something.
So well identified and explained.
TOP TIER IS RIGHT! Instant fear, guilt, defense, fix-it mode
I work customer service for very stressed and upset customers. I barely make it through, but I need this job.
Some of my earliest memories are trying to comfort or sooth my mom.
Most of my 'happiest' memories as a child are successful attempts to appease her endless rage.
I’m definitely the first one, I was just writing about this in my journal yesterday. Idk how to stop feeling like that.
I don't know if I'm empathic or hypervigilant. I'm not even sure if I think it is my fault when someone feels bad. But I sure have a knee jerk reaction of wanting to understand and fix it for them. Sadly I haven't found that magic wand yet.
I do this with my poor husband and he knows it so he started trying to hide his feelings (particularly anger) from me so I don't take on his stuff (stress from work, etc). But that not fair to him, and I don't want him to feel like he has to hide his feelings to protect me.
If he has a bad day at work, he should be free to vent his feelings without worrying if it's frightening me. He doesn't take his anger out on me, but I get scared he might.
I'm learning how to be empathetic with his feelings without trying to make myself responsible for them. He's a separate person!
I virtually was by myself with no one to turn to as I grew up in a family of five. I identify with both of these types of triggers. I’m still trying to get rid of them after many years of therapy. I am normally triggered by the first and the second one i’m triggered when I’m tired.
0:40 Patrick: there are two wirings…
Me: *Both*
Or you know you didn't cause it but you're still held responsible for it, or it's your job to fix it.
❤ excellent.
I did not have childhood trauma. I grew up with a mother who was very loving to me as a very young child but became very distant when I was school-age. This left me wanting attachment from somebody so I married a guy a knew for 2 months 🙄. I was shocked by his behavior when I got pregnant 🤯😳 and I was shocked at his anger. Religious convictions and that need for connection kept me in the marriage. I used to absorb all my husband’s contempt and rage. I developed CPTSD. I have healed from the marriage but I have awful regrets about the damage it did to my kids. My marriage was the narcissist and codependent that Patrick portrays in his role plays ☹️.
Thanks Patrick, this helped me understand.
So accurate! We need a full video on how to work on this! 😇
I’ve definitely been dealing with this at work with my supervisor and it is really difficult to deal with. I’m trying to tell myself that it’s my trigger and it might be making me feel a lot of anxiety and not necessarily reflecting reality.
A few years ago I was slammed with too many tasks at work, involving people, I told my direct supervisor I can't do all this at once. She understood and got someone to help me. When I saw my 'help' I said "oh hi k., you're here to help me" She was so damn nasty to me and I later apologized to her. Like the abused child I still am. At this point I've had it with this workplace POS and don't deal with her. I can hardly be civil when I have to interact with her.
Oh boy. I experienced this recently and couldn't figure it out! I went into the local post office where the guy is always super friendly and he was totally cold. I was so upset I got teary on the way out. I'm sure I thought it was about me. A year later I know him better and he's just moody. Phew, though! I guess it comes from always trying to please a parent?? I wouldn't have thought as a kid I felt responsible for my parents moods, but maybe I did!!
thank you. my whole day could have been different, had i not been reminded this.
It was always a given. Hoping for truth and memories to be revealed.
I hear you about memories being revealed.
I am just now at age 72 starting to remember some horrific blocked memories. And I have been working on my trauma since around age 30. What I’m trying to say, there is a reason brain/mind has a way of protecting ourselves.
Be well and best wishes on your journey.
@@sueg2658 you too. God Bless and lead 💞🙏🏻🙏🏻💞✝️🙌🏻✝️🙌🏻✝️🙌🏻
I’m guilty of this behavior 100%. I believe it comes from my hyper vigilant training of navigating FOR my deaf parents.. they knew us kids were a part of a 🌎 not designed for them. Deaf people DO NOT trust. Therefore NO safety. Pretty sure that was the narrative growing up. It explains my adrenal/thyroid problem. Exhausting.
Where did it come from? I was told it was my fault, always, and that I am a problem. I caused it and I should feel terrible for that. Shut up and sit down!
Big time #1! And it's exhausting
My parents moods were bad but usually just words. My siblings now..... that's another story. It would be more violent with them. Now we're all cool but back then I hated them and was terrified.
I was 100% like this, definitely making real progress on reprogramming this with PDS (Thais G). I still find myself fawning too much but I kinda am aware I'm doing it in the moment now. Next step is to be aware and not do it but it all takes time!
Patrick you are so amazing! I love everything you create through this channel!
If you need ideas 💡 for subjects or topics to address; could you address self sabotage?
I have noticed I do this and have done this my whole life. In part I feel like I perform well under pressure, in part I feel I still haven’t overcome my deep-seated self hatred and belief that I deserve good things. But if there was someway I could stop living my life this way, that would be great! 😆 I could use some help to stop self sabotaging.
Thank you so much for all you do, I am truly growing through your content!
(Although I need to prepare myself before I view your content)
I am a natural teacher; but the traditional teacher path was not for me. I am finally back in school to become a licensed therapist. I want to become an educational psychologist and nature therapist; in time I want to take your licensed provider courses.
❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ all the love to you, from me and my family from Salt Lake City, Utah!
OK this is terrible, but I instantly meet anger with anger. Come at me with an aggressive tone, language, or volume, and I'm giving it back to you every bit as bad.
Afterwards I might feel like it was, objectively, pointless. But in the moment, all logic leaves the room and there is only knee jerk reaction.
my father-raging alcoholic. Came home screaming at us in the middle of the night
When we do a cut off , we don’t have a trigger
I identify more with being responsible and it's my fault.
silence gets me. the person that doesn't talk about anything. it's the 'wait for it ' thing.
Nailed it 👌 🔨
I'm done with others mood
No my circus, not my monkeys
this is so fucking spot on… sadly my gf is the former while im the latter.
YAASSSS
I was told you made me angry or this is all your fault. It was always my fault that I got hit and missed meals or activities. It was stated clearly that it was my fault. So of course I believed it for decades. Even after I went no contact, it was my fault the family reunion was uncomfortable because I wasn’t there. Obviously it was never my fault but a young child wouldn’t know that.
I have both but I do react to people's moods! But I have a question " How do you heal if most of my childhood is missing, I only have bits and pieces " the pieces I have are really bad like I was sexually abused as a child my parents caught him (an uncle) molesting me in the bathroom and they allowed him to keep babysitting so it just kept happening and my dad would drop me off at this man's house by myself and you know what happened I am almost convinced that my dad thought I wasn't his child but he thought I was my uncle's child and I have reasons for saying that but I don't want to put it in this comment! I can remember up to a certain point and then there is nothing I have tried to remember but maybe it was so bad that maybe I am afraid to remember, it was a crazy life and no child should go through all this abuse and my dad was mentally and emotionally and psychologically abusive to my mom and she had childhood trauma, so much happened when I was growing up and I do wish I could remember all that happened but I am a bit afraid but maybe I could handle it, it amazes me how people who have been abused as children could go on and become abusers I wouldn't want anyone to go through what I went through and I only remember several things that happened, there is more but I can only get to a certain point and it is gone!!!!!!
Hearing a heavy exhale- (Click!triggered! It’s on!)- “WHAT?!” [Like- what now? No one else is upset- you’re clearly pissed- why?!] Where’d it come from: Depressed father, explosive anger, drank until his doc said his liver would fail unless he quit, moody a-hole. Mother: sighhhhhing due to being very unhappy in her marriage, does everything for a fam of 6, and sad mostly. We wanted to make her happy, since the house was joyful if she was in a good mood.
I was the first one.
The most freeing thing I have learned; is that I am not responsible for how others choose to feel. That we can choose and control how we feel. There are of course automatic bodily responses to trauma that needs to be trained out of the body; and thinking that needs re-wiring in our neural pathways.
But, we *CAN* re wire our brains, we *CAN* choose how to feel about others and events, and healing is possible for all of us.
Learning that I wasn’t responsible for my father’s anger and yelling and abuse; that was the key to free me from my prison. 🗝️🪽
It was the first principle I had to learn. God taught it to me first; and I find that truth affirmed 100x over during my trauma work.