Are you the friend who reaches out first?/ For the friend who always initiates / Friendship Coach
Вставка
- Опубліковано 2 лис 2021
- What do you do when YOU'RE the friend who's always initiating? In this video, friendship coach Danielle Bayard Jackson gives three things you can do to manage your frustration and experience more balance in your friendships.
If navigating friendships as an adult has been a struggle for you for quite some time now, you should definitely join our 8-week group coaching program. There are weekly videos that teach you about the 5 phases of adult friendship (and it includes 4 coaching sessions with Danielle!).
JOIN NOW: www.betterfemalefriendships.c...
"How to Make New Friends (as an Adult): The Ultimate Course"
www.betterfemalefriendships.c...
Follow Danielle on TikTok:
/ thefriendshipexpert
Follow us for friendship tips on Instagram:
/ friendforward
No, initiative matters. I want friends that want to be around, and reach out to me. I don’t care if you say yes, I want people who WANT to be apart of my life and I don’t have to message them for them to want it. I’m tired.
Great point. I had a friend who was always available and said "yes" to almost everything. It was convenient to have him. He actually got me two jobs back to back. So I was grateful. Once he left the job in which we both worked at, he hardly called me though. It seemed awkward because he was a cool guy; he was fun and a great conversationalist but he had that cold side to him. I mentioned to "call me" sometimes because it got annoying and he would say things like "....but you work so much, you are always busy."
After one or two voice mail messages in which I told him "you have my permission to call me and you can drop the pretension," we met up and I said goodbye to him. I dumped him. It was very civil. We met up in the city and had a beer. I think that a lot of people are torn because the friend bought them this gift or got him a job or was available and that's fine but initiation is huge. That's like a top 5 quality. Reason for that--it's easy. A person can't just pick up the phone and dial yet he is a good friend?!?! It is simply incongruent. That makes no sense.
It's okay to be demanding and want a FULL friendship, not just 80 percent.
Agree
Thanks for your reply. We all want to feel platonically desired. Sometimes letting our friends know that (before cutting them off) offers them the chance to course correct.
Girl. Yes! I stopped reaching out to people ... it's been like 2 weeks, and crickets. I'm done. Silence is better sometimes. Plus, I've been focusing on myself more.
True, it is frustrating and when you actually stop the initiative the whole thing dies.
I would rather be alone than have friends who never talk to me unless I chase them. All relationships require work on both ends. One person should not be doing all of it. When that happens, you are giving more than you are receiving and that is not healthy. Relationship is not free. Anyone who wants it free is a taker.
Sadly, even I hint or ask openly for their initiative, it happens once and then stops again. We just spoil people with showing initiative first, they get used to it and when we stop they feel surprized and may even get offended. The only solution is when meeting new potential friends not to overextend yourself and be more cautious. If they are interested in us, they will make the effort as well.
I agree to an extent. I can make a video offering tips on how to invite a friend to "participate" more in a friendship in a way that feels like an invitation, not an accusation, if you think that would be helpful!
@@thefriendshipexpert please do
I totally agree if you noticed it didn’t reach them that says slit to me
I used to be the initiator for decades. Finally, I had enough. I'm pretty decisive when I find myself doing all the work in a friendship. I begin to feel that I'm always chasing, I run the other way. Time to move on, I say. I choose people who want me.
I totally feel your frustration and have felt the the same way! I've found that when I invite my friends to participate more, they often do. And for the ones who get defensive or indignant, they fade away. But the difference-make for me has always been making the need known.
Same...I was the initiator for decades. Once in awhile, one other guy might plan something. When I stopped planning, it all came to an end. It was time to move on. I did it silently....just stopped.
I am also an initiator in my relationship, now I am re-think about it
I was always the initatior in the family and my "friendships". My mother used always tell me "to put myself out there," but I'd always get taken advantage of in more than one way.
All i know is i did ALL the reaching, for years, with one friend so i stopped calling....its been about 30 years....never saw her again.
Wow... a place for a better friend
Yes, same thing happened with my “best friend”. It’s been over four years now and no texts, not even a like on Facebook. All through a pandemic. But she interacts with friends she met through me years ago.
Stop showing up for people that don't show up for you! You have to keep score because it's giving you the clarity that you need to make an honest assessment, in real time, of what you mean to this individual. Once you've established what's real, govern yourself accordingly. You know where YOU stand and now you need these questions to be answered so when you tie off that failed relationship for good, you will know that you made an informed decision based off of the information that you had in hand. If you will. If the other person never reaches out to you, a year down the road you'll know you made the correct decision for yourself. And that's something you can be proud of. Time is the one commodity that you never get back once it's been lost. Give your time to the people who cherish it and you!
I agree with you about how much time and energy you should invest in a person who doesn't match your efforts. On a scale between zero and ten, one or two in my opinion 😁
Many people are more or less depressed these days and don't realize it. They don't go to therapy to get help with their trauma. Those who do are not actively using their therapist. They just want someone to complain to.
No friends here! 😊😊
Agreed. I've had to let go of some past relationships because the other individuals weren't putting as much into it as I was. Don't waste your time on unappreciative people. Merry Christmas!@@daniela_k
Thanks for your reply. I'm curious, when you say you "keep score" what do you mean? How do you tally things in a way that helps you make a better evaluation of your friendships? I'm enjoying this discussion so thank you for being here.
@@MrPTR91 thank you. I wish you a happy 2023!
What I mean is how many times you've reached out or been there for them and they failed to reciprocate. @@thefriendshipexpert
I agree that if you don't give them a chance to initiate, it manifests as resentment. This is my ultimate test of friendship. If I start feeling the need to keep score, I do a couple initiations and then step back and wait. It feels very self validating because I'm not allowing myself to be stretched thin (filling me with resentment) and it communicates to me how much energy I should continue investing in that relationship.
Firndships don’t exist anymore. It’s what you can do for others. When people don’t reciprocate in most cases it’s because they are apathetic and don’t care about the friendship. I also notice I feel like a creep by constantly put effort. People are just selfish now days and it’s easier to be alone and lonely than constantly being treating like garbage lonely.
I agree with you. I told a friend two years ago. I am not calling you any more. You don’t answer your phone and it takes you three months to call me back. He called me over a year ago, when I didn’t have any bad news for him, he ended the conversation. Phone call may have lasted for 90 seconds.
@@racebannon96 he definitely doesn’t deserve your time.
@@ets5697 I totally agree with you. You get tired of people. It is worse when you have to tell them to reciprocate. That makes you feel desperate and clingy. It is so messed up. I agree with you about cell phones and social media. It has destroyed human connection and my mind cannot be changed on that. People only seem nice when they can get something from you. Otherwise you do not exist to them.
Social media is destroying society little by little.@@ets5697
This!!
It does matter who initiates. Says a lot bout a person
Thanks for taking the time to consider this perspective. If after watching, you still find yourself feeling strongly about having someone who pursues more intentionally, it's important to communicate that, and my hope is that after learning this about you, those friends step up. You deserve that!
Paused the video after 1 minute and read all the comments which so so resonate with my friendships. People don't be on a one way street, friendships and relationships take effort. It's always from both the sides, happy yet sad to know how much you gave away yourself in the bargain. Sending healing and good vibes to all out here.❤
I stop initiating 😅. I don't stop talking to them tho. I'll make comments on their social media n stuff every now and then. Then the relationship fizzles out.
This video is helpful. But I realized despite this I still felt hurt and realized I need more reciprocity in my friendships. I had to speak to a friend recently about this, and it was received well.
I'm so glad you have lived experience of how PRODUCTIVE it can be to invest in difficult conversations with friends. Would you say that having that experience makes it a little less anxiety-inducing moving forward?
@@thefriendshipexpert yes definitely. I think with more practice, navigating uncomfortable conversations has become easier with time. It’s very necessary.
I spoke to my friend once about it, and he sent me a random text on that weekend. That was the only random text I received. One and only. I've been testing the friendship, and it's been a year that we haven't talked.
Some people just don't want to match your effort. I'd say, take time to evaluate the friendship so that you can judge for yourself if its one worth pursuing
Also depends on what stages of life both of you are in. For example, if you're single, but your friend is married, you may have to be the one who initiates more because that person has more demands on their time/attention.
That only works for so long cuz then that will become the married with children friend's excuse EVERY TIME. When I told a friend with kids I'm tired of always initiating contact then she said something to the effect of my (me --- NOT her) life isn't as busy or important cuz I don't have kids. I wanted to say, "BITCH . . . You CHOSE 2 have them kids! Nobody forced your a$$ 2 open your legs & get knocked up!" But I just backed up & didn't say anything to her anymore. Cuz what you AIN'T gonna do is make me feel bad about my life choices as if your life ain't the result of YOUR choices too!
I couldn't agree with you more. The two parts of this conversation I feel are often missing are 1. reciprocity isn't always "tit for tat"--- sometimes you're doing the heavy lifting in particular season. Sometimes they are. But there should be trust that with the right people, it'll always come back around. 2. People contribute to their friendships in different ways. While some may offer ideas of where to hangout, others show up by being attentive when listening to your problems or by being generous with their time and resources. We get to decide how we want reciprocity.. and how e communicte it to others.
@@thefriendshipexpert exactly! I have a friend who offers all those things you mentioned. The only caveat is she's married while I'm single, so right now I'm doing almost all the initiating. And I'm ok with that. Every person contributes in their own individual way and it's up to you to decide if you're compatible with them on what they can offer you currently
I feel this way with this friend i have but they seem to have time for other people
That’s always really frustrating. What are you planning as a next step (if anything)?
@@thefriendshipexpert so many people I've dealt with like this people I've helped I don't really hang out with the same people just see them not treat others thatway
Omg I love this video and your whole channel!! You have such a great personality to watch, you’re so pretty too! This is a topic that I ask myself a lot and it’s nice to watch a video on this. Super useful advice thank you!! 🫶🏽
This video was very helpful. I have definitely been in the position of feeling like the friend who reaches out first.
glad this video resonates with you! Remember to keep perspective on the friendship overall, and if you find that it's not reciprocal in other ways, then re-evaluate. You got this!
Very good tips.
This is a great interpretation. Very mature way of looking at things. The responses are not petty nor coming from resentment.
Wow, it really made me feel better and think with more clarity. When we're on the way to this insecure, resentful place, we tend to stay in a loop with the same thoughts. Thank you for helping me break out of there :)
I'm so glad this was helpful! If, at the end of the day, you require more proactive behavior in your friendship, it's okay to let someone go de to a lack of "compatibility"-- especially if you find yourself growing resentful over it. Thank you for watching and sharing your thoughts!
I'm so grateful I came across your channel. I need to make a lot of changes to make new friends in my life. I'm so tired of being tired.
Insights video. Especially the last point on how persons feel in my presence.
This is such a great video. New subscriber.❤
This is super helpful for me. I feel frustrated about this a lot. Feels like with most of the people I know I'm reaching out. It got a little bit better in college, but not that I graduated college this past weekend, and won't be around a lot of people my age as often, I'm afraid of things going back in the other direction. This really helped me shift my perspective. Thanks for sharing!
Excellent video!
I am ok with initiating with a few people. Some people are bad at reaching out, some have a mental illness and it’s harder for them to socialize at times. But if it’s not either of those situations, it gets draining and it is more hurtful to me because I’m physically disabled (dwarfism, hearing impaired, trach tube) and I had to be homeschooled for a time. So I will be the first to admit that social skills type of things are not my strong suit. But not even giving me the opportunity to be social and work on it makes me feel SO much worse about myself. I have cried over it!
Wow this video was super enlightening
Thanks for watching, Rachel. So glad it's been helpful!
I have a new sister, whom I have on Instagram and FB. Ive noticed she doesn't post as much as she used to before she came into my life. I feel I'm the one who is always calling her or texting her. Im burnt out and feel it goes both ways. I see no action on her part. We're half sister's and I really wanted to be a part of her life. I guess she doesn't feel the same way😢.
Been there and done this. Let go.
Thank you.
I met a girl last year and we became friends. But I noticed that I'm always the one who calls her... But the thing is that she responds very fast. She's always down to meet up and we have a great time together. We love the same kind of music we like to go to the same places and everything is really great.
When I text her she responds fast, like I said, she seems happy and everything. So it's so confusing to me the fact that she never contacts me....
I feel frustrated but I really don't want to confront her because I don't think that's the right way to go about this...
I loved your video and I'll keep in mind the things you said. But still it's really confusing to me.... And it makes me upset....
Thank you for this video, it was really helpful ❤
Try not to get too upset. It's frustrating I know to always be the initiator. I have two friends like this, but keep them as its better than having even fewer. Also we do things together.
This talk was interesting and made me look at thugs from a other propestive. In the past I would just stop contacting people who made no effort to reach out. I've stopped doing that. Her pont about whether the person. Responds or not enthusiastically is important one I think. In my case my friends seem happy to hear from me and respond quickly.
Thank you for watching and I hope you continue to create friendships with people who delight in your company. You deserve that!
Don't overthink it she's responding positively, your in the driver's seat. Don't mess it up, your still the captain.
I have a friend who was always ready to go. However, the last time (six months ago,) I drove, we live in a teeny town so drive 10 miles or more to do anything. I haven't heard from since!
I'm a female & have a chill, introverted personality so I let me younger friend who needs my emotional support contact me. I almost always let her call me as she has gone from being in a relationship to single to BIAR again in a short amount of time. In your case, I'd say something like "you know if you ever need to talk or want to do something, I'm always here for you too. I appreciate you!"
What happens when you don’t care anymore and prefer to either go things y yourself or simply hang out with others/open the door to new people? ‘Cause I just got very bored if initiating and then only be there when she needs either to vent about some micro drama or info about something.
I'm single and have no kids. Most women my age have a relationship and have kids. They have less need to invest in friendships than me. Their lives are already full. Could u do a video on how to find friendships as a single woman with no kids.
I love the tips. Going to work with them
Meet other single/child free women. They value friendships more.
@TheSunshinefee join a club/activity where people meet up every week, bi-weekly, monthly like clockwork.
That's what I'm doing for 2024. I've already signed up for twice a week Zumba for January.
I've heard that the Bumble app has a friend option
I'm in my late 40s, single and childfree as well. I definitely understand this!
So true
Just break up if you're the one always initiating
And if they take days to reply to a text it's a clear message. Literally no one is that busy they simply don't prioritize you.
Just stop putting in the effort and leave quietly.
@@jackedkerouac4414 yep
This video is not helpful at all . Friendship should have both people initiating just like a romantic relationship. It doesn’t make sense to always be the one to reach out like your chasing the person . Even if they say yes , it shows that the other person lacks empathy and maturity to understand that a relationship goes both ways. Imagine if you are going through a hard time and they can’t even reach out to see how you are doing . Even in job interviews, it goes both ways . The employee can interview the employer as well to see if the job is a good fit . We all want people that want to bring joy into our lives and are excited to be apart of it .
Thanks for your feedback. It appears that, for you, a high friendship priority is to be with someone who is proactive to a degree that makes you feel loved and considered and valued. Thanks for taking the time to watch and craft such a thorough comment and posting! We appreciate your engagement.
I stopped being the initiator and haven't heard from my friend in a year and half now.
I unserstand that friends go through things and friends dont talk everyday. I notice since i been single the guy i talked to he didn't want anything serious (before i find out) but "casual". I asked one of my friends (invited them to the bday dinner) they be with their "boo". it's like they forget about you, ME asking them let's link up they be like " ill see" or "oh girl i can't im with my boyfriend " excuse. Yet weeks later they be posting their other friends or their boyfriend. Even my old friends we've grown apart and they have kids now.. I distance myself and i'm realizing alot. I don't have that many friends i like to keep my circle small. 💯 realizing phone works both ways. Even if you been "adulting" you can still have time for your friends too. i been feeling alone and lonely at the same time.
Male viewer here.
This video popped up in my feed because I recently did a search for "what is a good friend?" or something along those lines.
With regards to the content/subject here, Mom "taught" me at an early age that friendships, any relationships really, take 2 people, and that they're a two way street. I realize at the end of the day 'men are from mars and women are from venus' but I can admit that I probably react/respond more like a female might. Like other commenters, it is tiring, exhausting at times being, or feeling like, the initiator. I've spent time wondering what I can adjust on my end, (i.e. how to lower/change/alter my expectations), but always fall short of any insight on how to do that.
I don't have answers, or advice. It is affirming to see there are others who share some similar views.
It is disturbing and tiring. It seems the best thing to do is keep to yourself and do things you enjoy.
That's essentially the path I've been on, but am more or less burnt out on flying solo. The whole "friend" thing seems to be affecting other areas of my life (something about my overall demeanor/personality) so I'm trying to get in tune, and/or stay cognizant about it.
Thanks for this video! I have to watch more of yours. I am a lot of the time, the initiator. But two of my friends (where we tend to get together as a threesome) seem to really appreciate my suggestions. I think for me, the focus on the "yes" and them being excited about what we're doing is a positive - and they always seem to have a good time. One of them also always wants me to pick a place for lunch as she lives outside of our city and is not familiar with the good restaurants here. Anyway, this is a good way for me to reframe things. The other friend has told me that she just feels very insecure about initiating us getting together - which is kind of funny to me because she had a high powered job (we are all retired now) and she is such fun to be around. But I get it - people can have insecurities you aren't aware of. Still, I also want to be cognizant of not ALWAYS being the initiator.
SO glad that this video offers a helpful reframe. Thank you for watching!
Neat video
Hi I love your videos I was wondering if you do virtual friendship coaching ?
Hey, Demi! So glad to see that these video lessons are resonating with you. YES! We do several virtual coaching sessions a week with women just like you. Feel free to book on our site: Betterfemalefriendships.com. Thank you for being here!
I have a friend who I feel very close to, she has two kids and so do I. We both are financially well and have a solid career, and both work a busy job.
My problem is I feel like I’m the one who try so hard whether it is sending a text planning a meet up, going out, I keep in mind she is a single mom so majority of the time I even pick up all the taps nearly 90 percent of the time. Even when she offers to pay I pick up the tap. Further more her kids birthdays her parents birthday come I buy gifts, I buy expensive gifts, even planned a surprise birthday for her with her kids. When she has roughy day I will send her flowers to cheer her up.
But in return I don’t even get a recognition, I’m not expecting or asking for any presents or anything but I’m just trying to see if she even consider on her own to initiate even hey how was your day.
I’m the first one to send a text, when I call she never picks up in first try but I go out of my way, if she calls me I’m always there for her, but in return I don’t get the same.
But my biggest problem is I really enjoy her company, I love her kids too.
I just recently did an experiment since I’m so quick to always text her or call her first I decided how about I just wait and see if she will initiate
Well 9 days went by no text no call like I don’t exist. This experiment is making me feel so disappointed like she doesn’t even care and it’s heart breaking I want to call her so bad and tell her how it makes me feel….,,
But I’m afraid she will think I’m like codependent or May be pushy or clingy or desperate. I’m not sure I have other friends too but I want to be her best friend, she even admits that she consider me a really good friend and our friendship is valueable. Then why would I get treated like this is something wrong with me. I feel like all I do is think about her.
Don’t get me wrong I’m happily married and I have a good marriage but these feelings are just out of control. Please advise what to do! Should I continue to resist the urge to call or text. Isn’t friendship a two way street, is it too much of me to expect her to call or even a text. Why would I be always the giver.
I want to make it very clear I’m not the one who is expecting anything in return I do this with my will, if I pick up the taps I gladly do that and I’m never expecting that I did it once so you should get it next time, I’m just hoping that she put a little more effort into our friendship.
Lastly one thing could it be that me buying expensive gifts or spending money all the time is setting her off whatever it is I just need some advice as to what to so
You're not alone there. I have a friend that if I don't reach out we just won't talk. Maybe they are an avoidant type person or busy or I hate to say it could be one sided. I would talk about it to see how she responds. But if they contribute to the friendship in other ways like giving or meeting other needs I probably will let it go but if they just take in the relationship I would talk about it because it will lead to more built up resentment
Red flags dear.Friendship is a two way thing.Codependency is real until you experience it.Pay attention to your intuition and the red flags except otherwise.
Sounds like she means more to you then you do to her. Would be interesting to know why her relationship didnt work out. Could be telling. Maybe she's not willing to give as much as you are? If ppl don't know there's something the matter how are they to improve? Also, friendship looks different to different people.
You're doing to much. Step back and get a hobby.
I would think that you are an Initiator. If you have a Responder friend the reciprocity will be different, but still keeps the friendship a live. As a responder I have been blamed, but I have put other things aside in order to meet with an Initiator.
I seriously don’t know why I have phone. No one ever hits me up. And when I do hit people up I always feel like I’m bothering them or annoying them and years ago I thought “I’ll show them I’ll stop reaching out” well it’s been about 6 years and not one of my so called “friends” has yet to reach out to me.
This only for girls? What about if you're a guy? Yeah, guys can go through this too! Watching now...
You make the initiative friend sound like the bad guy, Like they need to initiate harder/better. NO, the so called FRIEND needs to do some work twords the friendship. friendship is 2 way street. Dump that so called friend for someone who wants to be friends.
Some "friends" are just real selfish takers 😉👎🏽.
Who gives a shit if someone is your friend and you initiate first so what, They are your friend. Now if they act stupid and don't want to hang around, they are NOT your friend.
Point is if you stop initiating they will probably just let you go. It’s not that you initiate first it’s that you ALWAYS initiate first. That’s why you should give a shit.
Liar