That's what you think, people only find how many people would reject them anyway, online dating is mostly just for people who are looking for short term relations
They have exacerbated the problems for sure. People are viewed as stats rather than people. And heaven forbid you be a guy that isn’t the pinnacle of perfection. I don’t even bother with online dating because anyone I know who has tried it, felt like ending their lives afterwards. It plummeted their self esteem as they got nothing but bots.
@@marcodxd3631 That's what _you_ "think" right back at you. The apps are *literally* designed for profit and they absolutely have normalized the commodification of dating by that gamefied design. People are reduced to their profile pictures and couple snippets of texts for "yes/no"-swipes on the most popular dating app there is and you think that _doesn't_ have an effect on dating culture at large? Dingus. And neither of your claims actually even contradict mine so what was the point you thought you were making exactly?
@@ms.sysbit5511 Exactly. People are effectively reduced to "dating profiles." _Products_ they themselves need to advertise at other people. And then there's the whole factor of people being far more callous on dating apps than they'd ever dare to be face-to-face which naturally _"helps"_ the more sensitive people (and women who don't want unsolicited dic pics and perv harassment) to feel excluded from the _"dating market."_
Yeah I've tried explaining the apps to my friends about how they work, and they think I'm the freak for swiping right on countless premade pics and profiles of woman lol. I've found a few and talked to a few, even dated a girl for 4yrs from one, but they are far and few between. If the profile isn't filled with things she does and likes and has pics of holding 1,000 drinks at the club, it's of post that the girl isn't even using anymore and has been floating around the app for months if not years. It's all a game to get people to swipe and pay monthly fees for the chance. The more the you swipe right the higher chances it shows you girls of said type. Until you start going left then you'll get more girls of the "right" type.
The introspection thing is so real. My mom is divorced twice and a serial dater for the last 20 years, always trying to find Mr. Right. But the thought that her poor anger management, extreme mood swings, and total lack of emotional intelligence or empathy MIGHT have something to do with every guy who is with her long term saying that they feel unloved.....never crosses her mind. I think my mom is the "crazy ex" for at least 6 different guys now. Edit: Update for the folks in the replies wishing me luck for my own relationships. I have been in a wonderful, loving, and committed relationship for the last 10 years and we are getting married this fall!
The amount of truth one person can speak in a short amount of time about such a deep concept while playing a video game reminds me why I enjoy his content. Keep it up Josh.
that's the weird thing about what josh is saying, the article that he says he reads every year, I've read it and I've gotta say josh is exactly what the article says he is. Josh is playing a video game here, but the viewers aren't there because josh is good at said video game, it's because josh is interesting as a person and is very entertaining to listen to.
So, I just saw this guy pop into my feed, giving his opinion on dating, and curiosity of behavior led me to questioning why he was giving such serious advice, whilst wearing what appears to be an extra's outfit from The Count of Monte Cristo, and it turns out he wears the same outfit nearly all the time. The sheer number of videos he's recorded wearing the same swashbuckler costume is his beautiful lie. Do you know anyone in your life that looks like that on a daily basis? Dr. Disrespect has his uniform for fun, but this guy seems to be have integrated role playing into his streaming personae. That seem right to you?
I'm in my currently longest relationship (almost 4 years) and we just had our first real talk about a major incompatibility she and i have. One of her flaws is her lack of accountability and I would constantly have to apologize for things I didn't do or shouldn't have had to *just to get her to admit that she hurt me* and it started happening so frequently that until i finally talked to my friends about it, i had been successfully gaslit into thinking all the problems i had w her were made up and everything was my fault. Thank god my friends cleared it up for me. I brought it all out to her and i gave her the ultimatum; either fix this or we're done because I can't and won't be forced to live through my childhood trauma as an adult. She finally, *finally* freely admitted she has a hard time accepting her own mistakes. She also started therapy. That was 4 weeks ago and now we're better than ever and she is consciously making effort to improve. in my opinion, that's something to end a relationship over. Something that would eventually make you hate and resent the other person. Not petty differences.
@@Astares9 Aye, that's my mother to a T, lots of childhood trauma from it and into adulthood because even when confronted with it she doubles down. At this point, in her old age, it's way too late for her .. she can't even remember the last 30 seconds most times to even know what she's fussy about. She just remembers being mad, and me being there when she's mad. ..so it had to be my fault ^.^ .
Absolutely understandable my brother. You should always check if you and your partner are compatible with each other and understanding of each other. This way you can love, respect and appreciate each other. I wish you and them all the best in being positive and improving as people going forward. All the best. 👍🏾✨
He missed my favourite bit of learning. Being punished for failure until you reach the point you don't try new things because that way you won''t be punished.
But isn't failure inherently punishing? Not saying that people's behavior or other circumstances doesn't make it leagues worse, and cause the thing you speak of, but can you really divorce failure and punishment?
@@DashSlashDash Failure is it's own punishment, but that's not what's being discussed here. This is about other people punishing you for failing, like an overbearing parent who punishes you for not getting high enough grades, or for not doing well enough in your music lessons, or for not having enough extracurricular activities, etc. etc. It's pretty common for people who grew up with overbearing parents to lose momentum later in life, because they get this fear of failure ingrained into them from an early age, to the point where eventually the brain subconciously makes the obvious connection that the only way to guarantee that you avoid failure is to just never try to achieve anything. After all if you don't try then you can't fail. It's just one of the many ways that you can fuck up kids with shitty parenting. Japan's hikkikomori problem stems amongst other things from this style of parenting. And it just goes to show that forcing your child to be successful early in life through punishment does not automatically mean that they'll be successful later in life as well, and that often it will have the exact opposite effect.
I can really feel and appreciate Josh's penchant for mentorship. I can tell he really cares about helping people, even when he's not being super on the nose about it. I feel the same calling myself sometimes.
Answer the call, it's honestly worth taking the time. Not only does it give you another look on the world, through the eyes of those you share whatever experience and wisdom you might have, but you also get to help people that sometimes are completely lost. You dont even need to have your shit together to be a mentor, you just need to have enough experience for your point of view to be valuable to someone else. There definitely is something special teaching someone important things that are more than just academic subjects but matters of life.
@@informationyesTate is a grifter and con artist but channels like Josh are worse. At least with Tate these dumb kids have a shot of figuring out they’re being taken for a ride. With Josh, people will slurp up the empty platitudes until they’re broke or until Josh moves on to his acting career 😂
Hand on heart, As a man in his thirties who has been through various emotionally difficult times, I find it so important and right that Josh brings such wisdom (yes, there is wisdom in his words) to his, partly young and insecure, viewers. Life can be confusing at times
I have an example of "throw away everything when a small part doesn't work". One girls that I was in a relationship with for almost six months ghosted me after I offered to come to her house with pizza because she was sick and couldn't go out with me. When I tried to find out what was going on, received the answer “there is nothing more to talk about” and was blocked. Despite the fact that she herself told me a week earlier how important it is to have an open dialogue about problems with a partner. Interesting experience
@@vyllix8546 she was triggered by the idea that I was coming to her house, that's all. Is it some kind of trauma or overthinking or a “red flag” in her head - dunno, she didn’t want to talk. But the relationship ended there
@@saizero0433 sad she didn't have the decency to actually have a proper break up discussion as an adult but all you can do is move on and improve yourself
Saw a tiktok recently that said something like, "If you found your current partner off a dating app before 2020, you basically got the last chopper out of Vietnam."
I met my wife on Facebook and we first chatted there. I wasn't using Facebook for this purpose, this just happened. But my experience with dating-focused apps and websites was horrible. These platforms are just awful. Theyr dynamics are bad, internactions are too superficial, and so on. I would never recomend dating apps to seek people and relationships.
I think "how can I be a person worth dating" isnt the right question either. I believe the right question is "how can I be a person I admire". It sets the focus on doing the things you think are the right things to do and being a great person as a main stand alone goal instead of being a great person to get the love of others. You will be an authentic person who knows who you are and as a side effect lots of people will like you for that too.
I really appreciated this distinction. Because there’s a danger with the first question that it places disproportionate value on something that actually may be impossible for someone to achieve or have or be. And for some, that can stop them from starting the whole process at all. Like, “I have zero chance of having “that” why should I bother starting?” Instead, the second question makes it aspirational and frames it more along the lines of that “aim for the moon and be among the stars should you fail” kind of notion.
@@Nikelaos_Khristianos its a little but of both You have to be accept by not only yourself, but the other person. If you are adapting to others, and it is not something you vibe with at your core, you will be miserable. If all you are in tune with is yourself and making yourself comfortable without being open to adapt to what a partner may need, you will make them miserable.
@@Spidahman4283 Oh for sure, both of those actions are really important and good processes. I might make a further distinction though, that the first notion is more important when you’re starting to put yourself out there (you’re trying to see what sort of people you attract, and if they don’t resonate with you, it’s important to recognise that.) But I agree, in any kind of situation, friendship or relationship, if only one person is compromising and the other person isn’t, that person who keeps bending over is going to snap one day. And that’s not a pretty picture.
This, I think, is closer to the mark. Several others have pointed out that it does require more refinement. Not your statement but the original. Sadly, on both ends of dating, we've still yet to figure it out. A lot of guys get burnt out on the advice being "just be better, and someone will like you." That statement makes it feel like the onus is only on you whether someone likes you. Even if it's not the intent. I think his swords analogy works a lot better for it. These are great conversations, though.
It's like a Spellblade build in an RPG. You would think magic and melee combat are entire different and unrelated things, until you find weapons which scale with your intelligence stat.
unwillingly i might asume, because all he is saying about "people tell you that you deserve xy and you can do no wrong" he is right about, but it also perfectly applies to feminism, bodypositivity and stuff like that. People have no filter when it comes to making fun of short guys for their height, something they have no influence over...but if you say i dont want to date someone thats overweight, people lose their mind...but also only if its a man talking about a women...woman shaming chubby men? perfectly ok Just a bit hypocritical
i wouldn't say they are unrelated per say. its more like we don't normally think game things can apply to real life. its kinda like how many parents thought Video games were a complete waste of time and it led to only brain rot, but how many Raiders in MMOs learn valuable skills like leadership, or even teamwork? how many people develop higher hand eye coordination?
My previous relationship ended with the ‘throw the whole person out’ approach. I’m mature enough to have a rational conversation about things that annoy me, but the person I was dating could not do that. In reflection it’s a blessing since that incompatibility is significant.
My last relationship was like this too, which was surprising when I put up with so much and had to push so hard to talk about discussing problems and compromises.
im right there with you, except i actually ended it but there was no talking it out - just a major maturity and values gap. I still miss having her a lot though, god damn ive been lonely
I do feel like everyone is so scared to victim blame that we're skipping a core aspect of self-reflecting and holding ourselves accountable for our actions. Relationships make everyone very real, vulnerable and kinda crazy. Mistakes happen on both sides and it's important to reflect on what you can do better. It's very easy to blame or make the other person a villain. In my experience, it's truly uncomfortable to know you treated someone poorly or maybe messed up and some things could be your fault. Unfortunately that period of uncomfortable self-reflection is the best way to grow as a person and gain true self-confidence and not misplaced ego/narcissism.
@@AndreiGeorgescu-j9p Modern feminists and Simps are two sides of the same coin. Both destroy the sexual market place by selling their value short. Simps give money to women without getting anything in return which ruin it for us men who seek a fair exchange. Women ruin it by giving away their virginity, their sexuality to Chad and Tyrone for free without understanding the insane value of it. The sexual marketplace is in total upheaval, shit has hit the fan, and it's dirty everywhere and nobody want to clean it up.
Dating feels more like a job application. I had a date the other week and the girl asked me straight up (and it was the literally the first question she asked) "How much money do you make?". I walked away from that date.
Fight fire with fire next time. Ask her, "What are the three best herbs you put on spaghetti". Make her walk away - it gets more fun once you " L2play"
I was literally going through a bit of a rough patch with regards to dating and self-perception and then Josh drops this banger, This video helped me a lot and made me think about things differently and how I perceived them. Thanks Josh man! Your wisdom helped a lot!
20:30 This is exactly how I went from being terrorized at anything remotely suspenseful (I couldn't even close my eyes in the shower because of shark fear) to now even the worst stuff barely matters to me. I simply had an epiphany that what I was scared of wasn't anything outside, but my mind that was much scarier. Once that happened, everything stopped being scary, and even my mind stopped making me feel fear because I'm the one in control of it now. To have that epiphany I confronted my fears by playing DDLC which was the latest "scary" trend, and after I finished it, I was like "That was it? This is what people call scary?" I almost cried of joy from being freed of the burden of fear.
Here in SEA the fear of failure thing is really common mindset. Even if you are fortunate to have parents who don't expect you to be a superhuman you will often subconsciously condemn yourself as a loser if you don't get high grades/high paying job/married at a certain age/etc. One of the saddest cases in my country concerning the inability to accept failing was one where a twelve year old student took her own life after she got one B instead of straight As for all her subjects.
Chasing and courting women is exhausting, the texting culture and trying to gauge and keep the interest, while making all the effort, especially in online dating, where you can get ghosted is a miserable feeling. It took me a while to be happy by myself, as my teenage years, born with a a physical birth defect. It made me sensitive and i was quite closed off to people, especially girls, i showed interest in, only to be just seen as a friend.
The key to dating is knowing who you are and what you want in a partner. Make a list of who you are and then make a list of what you are looking in a partner. Then separate those things into "must haves", "can compromise on", "would be nice but not a huge deal". Then, go find the person that compliments you. Don't just date to "have SOMEONE, ANYONE". That's called a hookup today. In my time, it was called a one-night stand. Take a look at your "must haves". Then ask "where can I find someone that has that". If religion is a "must have" thing, start going to that place of worship. If you really enjoy dancing and want a partner that dances, go to places where they have dancing. If politics matters to you, do things that align with that political view. Go where you'll meet people that will align with what you're looking for. Lastly, if you think finding that person that compliments you will happen in a matter of days, you aren't living in reality. If you don't find a person that compliments you, where your wants, needs, desires, goals, etc, mostly align, neither of you are going to be happy.
Meh, sounds extremely demanding. People can surprise you and change you. This sounds like you leave no room for surprises. No room for life to happen. Love isn’t about being logical. I have a friend who sounds this demanding as well. She says shes okay being single when shes sober, cries and complains drunk why she can’t find love. She also does have a lot of suitors. And then theres me. I’m dating a girl who I’m CONTENT with. Some things could be better, some things are awesome. I’m happy. I don’t cry over finding love when I’m drunk.
@@hyvsan9425 It's even more exhausting when you take anyone you can find, regardless of compatibility, only to find that being incompatible gets you fighting over things you didn't need to fight over had you just found a person that you were compatible with in the first place. As for your friend? Yes, being alone can suck. Sometimes it can weigh on you when you see your friends in relationships. But waiting for the right person saves a lot more heartache in the end. You say you are content in your relationship. Good. Things can always be better. They can always get worse. But it sounds like you found someone compatible ENOUGH with you that you both are happy.
@@AndreiGeorgescu-j9p Rarely will you find everything you want in a person. That's why you set your "must haves" and what you are willing to compromise on. You don't have to be attractive to find what you want unless what you want is a person that is an underwear model. And if that is the case, if that is your "must have", and you didn't win the gene lottery, well, good luck on that. The older you get the more you realize that looks fade over time, but the person, who you are, who they are, that doesn't fade.
@@SeanMendicino-n3d By all means, tell us all YOUR strategy for dating women since you think what I said is "stupid". Or, is that your entire strategy, just like responding to someone here; walk up to a woman and say, "other men here are stupid", and think they will fall at your feet due to your astounding ability to communicate?
In the TLDR words of Captain Obvious: Dating apps and pickup artists profit off people breaking up and coming back to the app, NOT from them staying together long term. Have fun everyone!
@@itsgonnabeanaurfromme They are, actually. Modern dating apps are designed for short-term hookups and promote dissatisfaction and a constant sense of grass-is-greener. If you look at dating sites in the late 2000's and early 2010's, the difference is stark--back then, there was an emphasis on finding people you were genuinely compatible with. Match and their subsidiaries have a formula to keep people hooked and maximise their profits.
@@itsgonnabeanaurfromme that's not really the point though right, dating apps are designed to quickly match you against people based on very little info (mostly looks). It's against the interest of dating apps for you to find meaningful connections; if you quickly found one, you wouldn't need the app anymore. Now imagine an app that requires a more in depth personality test and an algorithm designed to match you against someone that actually fits you. You would get wayyy fewer matches, but those that you do get have a higher chance of success. A dating app like this, even though it has a higher success rate, would be less commercially viable since people just don't have to engage with it that much. So though dating apps do not 'cause' people to break up, they do promote a culture of less meaningful, more throwaway types of connections. They are not the one cause of the overall problem, but def a part of it, in my opinion.
I dont even know how to say this, but you are a well mannered, well spoken and very very likeable human being. Finding you here and on twitch made my life better. Thank you.
It bothers me how some people do not understand how to be good to eachother. Without details, my wife and I were hoping to have a date night. She ended up catching a cold from work. We were hoping for a little romance, and instead, I'm doing the dishes and making her soup. Be versatile. If they need you to be a support role, do it. The other day, we had a small fight. She had cleaned the bathroom, and I couldn't find my shaving supplies after a very hard work week. I got frustrated and got too critical for her. She didn't like it. We got upset at eachother. Later, we both apologized and came at it with cooler heads. I thanked her for cleaning up and offered a solution for both us. Life with another person is hard. One of the best skills that has kept us together is how we step up for eachother when needed and repair together when there's a problem. When the relationship is healthy and strong, everything becomes even better. Being a "nice guy" is the lowest possible bar. It matters so much more to be a PARTNER.
Nail on the head bud. Partner and I recently decided to move across country, so he's looking for a second job to clear his debts quicker, to make the move happen. He very sheepishly asked if I would help more with other responsibilities bc he will be working more - of course I am here to pick up in the areas where he won't have time, bc we're a team! Team goals, team effort ❤
Bless your heart. I love that cleaning dishes instead of a date night and losing shaving supplies is considered an example of living with another person being hard. Wish I was white.
@itsgonnabeanaurfromme we have had bigger problems. Family shattering problems. There was one moment I won't go into here where she confronted my mom and compared it to staring down a dragon. These were just little bumps that were more recent.
Well there's a big difference between finding out what someone likes and doing it for them, versus trying to mind-read and assuming that because you gave someone what you more or less suppose they might want, you are being nice, and I think that's where a lot of "nice guys" go wrong. Actually finding out for sure what someone wants and giving it to them is a powerful level of thoughtfulness and support that can, at times, take a lot of effort. But also, doing this alone will not make for a healthy basis for a relationship because you still need to have your own boundaries and standards too. So I would say the problem isn't that being a "nice guy" is a low bar, the problem is that people who see themselves as "nice" are often mistaking being accommodating for being pointedly supportive after acquiring information on the way a person likes to be supported. Being accommodating on its own is, in my view (as someone who tends to be very accommodating) a pleasant trait to have under the right circumstances, but it doesn't carry the visceral nature of pointed thoughtfulness. Instead, I think what it tends to create is more of a "sure, I don't mind this person's presence" vibe. It's harder for someone to dislike you if you are very accommodating, but I would venture to say that's because you end up being like air, where it's hard for them to get a strong sense of who you are that they can feel strongly about you in the first place. Which is also a terrible position to be in for romance, which is supposed to involve strong feelings about another person. So that, I suspect, is where many "nice guys" end up ignored. Not because anyone wants to take advantage of them, but because they are being like "air" and it's difficult for a corporeal being to fall for air.
Man, this hit me like a truck. Been dealing with a 4 year LDR break up for the past months. It was not anyone's fault, we were great together but the distance got the best of her and well, she broke up with me. Reels and other things have been messing with my head meanwhile and my anxious attachement has been driving her away even more. Haven't been in the best of places therefore but Josh here... man, he is dropping some facts about dating. Won't be doing LDR anymore. I don't want to pass through such anguish once again. I'm starting to work on myself, even been going to a gym, something I haven't done in YEARS. For all that, I subbed and will start watching this dude. Wish you the best man. And for you all out there, you've got this.
When it comes to dating, the main problem I have is just finding people to talk to. I don't really have anyone who can introduce me to others and people are afraid of talking to strangers, understandable but regrettable. This puts me in a situation where while I'd consider myself at least somewhat attractive, both in appearance and personality, I simply have few opportunities to even make use of that.
I'm in a similar situation as you. I have very few friends and of those I do have, one is married with kids. The other is single but always working, and a group of about four who are hopelessly single (in the sense of they don't have their lives together, irresponsibly spend their money, and don't do anything social). I personally am socially inept and am unable to understand signs (trust me, I'm still recovering from realizing someone may have been into me about 4 years ago at this point) without help. The hobbies I'm interested in are very much male dominated if not wholly male most times. Bars and clubs are not my scene (though I do go regularly to a few pubs for food and drinks on the weekend or if there's a major game on TV). I've been working on my appearance with clothing and while I could stand to lose a few pounds am not ugly. While I'm certain there are opportunities, I'm just not seeing them.
@@PhillyCh3zSt3ak I think this is something loads of people experience, both men and women. It pushes people to the dating apps which are just toxic by nature which causes a bad feedback loop as it also makes men feel undesired. I've been going to cafés on weekends as I like coffee, so I've gotten some opportunities from that, but most people are simply not willing to talk or already have company.
@@CottidaeSEA I can relate to this; although most of the things im interested in are male dominate; mostly board games, video games, things of that nature
@@f45411 A suggestion would be to go to cons, meet people with similar interests IRL. Since the amount of women who play games has increased, you'll also find more of them there. So with a bit of tact, you should be able to at least create contacts, if not a partner. That's a good step in the right direction. I would do the same thing, but there are few of them around and the ones I do know of tend to have younger people participating and then I feel a bit too old, I'm old enough to be their uncle a lot of the time. My UA-cam account alone is 17 years old, I made it as a teenager. That should give you a hint of my age.
I think the way figures like Andrew Tate become popular and looked up to is because there's very few mentors reaching out and trying to be a supportive voice to young men. A lot of time the answer to young men, and men in general, who are struggling is either apathy (ignore) or mockery. So what happens when you have people that are mocked or ignored and they have someone come along who builds them up. Who tells them they can be better and have a lot to offer? They want to listen. They want to feel better. But the problem is when its a figure like Tate they're being fed a poison pill. They think that his methods work because he's a supportive voice. One that is also wrong about the best way to address the situation. I think that we need male mentors, and examples of positive masculinity. There's a pretty prevalent attitude that masculinity at all is inherently toxic, and therefore it just tells these guys that embracing any form of masculinity is wrong. Which just further disenfranchises them. Because when they're told over and over that nothing about being a man is a positive. They're going to shut down and refuse to engage with someone. Even if ultimately it would be better long term for them to listen and make changes in their life and perspective that said person is suggesting. You could be completely right, but convey that information so badly that almost no one listens to you. It's not just a simple matter of people like Tate giving men the easy answer that you're right and everyone else is wrong. That's certainly a part of it. But I think the bigger issue is that people like Tate are the few that are reaching out to struggling men.
Exactly. When western society tries to shame and bully men (especially young men) into submission, telling them that they're latent criminals just for being born, they will take the hand of whoever reaches out. If that happens to be someone with bad motives, then said society is to blame, not its victims; and when people put the blame for that solely on men, like Josh is doing here, it exacerbates every single aspect of the problem.
Feel like in the US, at least, a lot of this actually starts in school. Seems like the only kind of boys that are valued are those who excel at sports, so if that's not you, you may as well not exist as a lot of schools are not going to have secondary programs that cater to things like art, music, coding, or other pursuits where the interested can both build skills and confidence due to the perpetual lack of funding and relative mismanagement of the system. I know I didn't have anything akin to a counselor who would've heard me out for my various grievances, either. High school sports messed up my body pretty good. Broke my left hand in seventh grade but still had to playing through the game as it turned a gnarly purple. Messed up my knee in 9th and couldn't walk unassisted for months. Back followed suit in 11th and took about as long my knee did to recover. This being the late 90's, you were simply told to ignore the pain, to suck it up, that that's what a real man is. I'm paying for it 2 decades later because I didn't have a choice. It's just what boys had to do. So, of course, this means hardass coaches. It's strangers lining bleachers cheering or jeering your performance. It's watching money go to football fields and basketball courts because capitalism and the exploitation of unpaid child labor. When I got laid out when my back blew, there was only some polite clapping at best. Never a, "How you doing?" and instead, "When will you be back?" in the months that followed. Meanwhile, get an A on a test? No one gives a damn except for maybe your parents. I know for some kids, school is just viewed as free babysitting so their parents don't really care, either. I think the only saving grace of my youth was that smart phones weren't a thing and the internet was still kinda getting its legs in the family home, so there was no constant social media pressure that can further lead into things like perpetual, inescapable bullying. Much as I never really felt I had a role model, at the very least I could get away from the kids that made me hate waking up every day because despite playing the jock game, I was always more the nerd and just never fit in with any group. Other part of the equation is just places for kids to go to have fun outside of the house disappearing. People in my town always wonder why our average citizen age is over 50 and kids are always in a rush to get out once they graduate and it's like, "Yo, you gotta do more than some ball fields. Closing down the pool a while back did no favors, either." Some will try to say all they want to do is just stay inside on their phones, but it feels more like a self-fulfilling prophecy when you don't give them the variety to be themselves without judgment. And it's also really scaring me seeing some states pushing for lighter child labor laws/restrictions or even not cracking down on outright creepy legal wedding ages.
@@WeisseningBlitzNot even touching the core issue that so called society says you are worth only as much as your best skill. Is this the society you want? Don't forget that you shape society, only much less than Tates and such because people love following and copycatting them. Once you realize that we are just biological mirror(neuron)s... just embrace the nothing.
I do believe that there are some good male mentors online. For example, Jordan Peterson was one until he started going more into political speeches, but I haven't really paid much attention to him recently. Thou the main issue why you don't see these good mentors that are aiming at men is all about marketing. Tate had his marketing approach to play the YT algorithm so he got to the top very quickly and stayed there because of the reasons that you mentioned. Guys want to see someone give them good advice and then he pops on the stage and it looks sensational while telling the guys what they want to hear. Ofc they're going to take it all in and actually believe that because, for plenty of them, they want solutions to complicated problems and if that solution is simple, which Tate was giving, then they'll take that twice as fast and won't even critically think about it. Now compare that to someone that is more down to earth and they're telling you actually sound advice, but in a more calm and dry way and also explaining you how these things are not that simple. No matter how correct the person is, they won't get the required views to get on top because it's not interesting enough. There's no "action", "sensation", "bombastic feelings" and other nonsense stuff that marketing is all about. We're living in a fast paced world and people want that next dopamine hit that this person just isn't giving it to them. We don't even have to go on YT to prove this. How many times, as a teenager, do majority of kids listen to their fathers and grandfathers? Very rarely because they KNOW, at that age, that they're the smartest people on Earth. It's only in the late 20's or such, after doing a ton of mistakes that your elders told you about, does it get from your bum to your brain that maybe they actually knew something and were trying to help you :D
The problem with that is that the positive masculine examples are too busy with stuff like ... having a life or working. Positive examples are not rare, in fact, they make a large % of the population, it's just they don't care about giving the impresion of being good models. Like, your average worker on a walmart has better and more valuable dating and life advice than Tate, but who do you think looks "cooler" to you an impresionable young adult? An average joe with a boring job, or a loud and obnoxious bald guy that boast about money and alpha shit? Good role models don't go seeking peoole that need help or are in unfavorable conditions, that is what scammers do.
As a father of 2 I agree with that statement on parents failures I noticed early on everyone shelters the children and tries to make em feel safe but no one was teaching them how to take the steps forward to learn how to deal with their own shortcomings
as someone who had to grow out of the habit of trying to force a relationship when compatibility isn't there from the start- I'm really glad you're addressing it. Even when I had what I thought were the best intentions, I was still just trying to force my desires on a situation. And even if I wasn't solely at fault at the end of the relationship, I was in the wrong from the start by persuading someone to date me despite their boundaries and needs that they stated from the start. Growth is good, people, it really is. And the relationships you have when you do grow are just so much better; for you, for your partners, for those around you. It brings so much more to all of your lives when you approach each other as full people, not a specific goal or reward.
Hi Josh. Great insights that you've shared here in this video. I am a therapist (marriage/family therapist) and I wish more people who have access to audiences, like you have with yours, would have these kinds of views and share them. These things needed to be said! My name is Josh as well. Hello fellow Josh! Love your content :) Big fan!!
I love the character arc of Josh going from being put off from POE because of the skill tree to using it to explain the complexities of human relationships.
Steven Seagal got choked out and shit himself after telling a stuntman he couldnt be choked out. Bruce Lee was known for being an asshole to the stuntmen because they were too soft and he wanted the scene to look real. Two polarizing stories. LOL
The part at around 11:32 about you dont have control about how you are perceived is sooo important! It helps me to focus on how i perceive myself and be the person i feel comfortable with. Usually that leads to other people feeling comfortable with me, too
The thing about people throwing it all out over 1 tiny thing that isn't an actual deal breaker is so true. People tell me stories about how they ghosted someone over the most insignificant shit. It's like that repetitive joke in seinfeld about them breaking up with someone over the most petty insignificant things and they don't even try to communicate. People just want everything to be perfect and not treat the other person like a person
something I find that people forget is that compatibility is, aside from fundamental differences in certain situations, a labor of love. In my opinion compatibility stems from love, love does not stem from compatibility.
Well said. Often, I have found that it’s a mutual uncovering of flaws and procedurally deciding which flaws we are willing to put up with for the sake of love. Often with the hope that these flaws could even change into perks some time down the road.
I have to disagree. Everyone is who they are on a fundamental level. Each person has their own likes, dislikes, needs, wants, desires, goals, etc. If you are going to compromise who you are to have someone, you are going to lose yourself, who you are, and when things get rough (and they WILL get rough) those differences, those things about YOU that you gave up, compromised on, are going to be the spears jabbed at each other. Finding someone that you are compatible with from the start keeps each person from losing who they are, from compromising, and lets people get through the rough times easier.
One of the largest components of compatibility are shared morals or goals. They don't have to be 100% perfectly alligned, just mostly in allignment. Like, why are you dating? If the eventual outcome is marriage and kids and you both agree on that then good, you have at least one shared goal. However, it can't be just one person doing this, but both chipping in towards a shared, desired outcome.
@@mgass1354 I agree with you. On a fundamental level you are who you are and someone who is strongly opposed to how you live your life is most likely not going to be a good partner. Us humans, however, are extremely complicated and weird creatures. There are things that you are not going to like about your partner, much like they are going to dislike things about you. Hell, when we look at ourselves we don't even like everything we see about ourselves. That's why we are constantly trying to better ourselves, be it through learning a skill, working out, being more thoughtful, etc. So I mean compromise in a sense of looking at the other person, seeing their imperfections/idiosyncrasies and acknowledging that those are things you are willing to work with. In my opinion, though you might think differently, perfection as an inherent value in love doesn't exist. Us humans are to complicated for that. Of course I don't mean that you should excuse everything your partner does that you find wrong. I'm not saying that you should filter yourself away just to keep the relationship going. I'm just saying that it's a conversation. a middle ground between the people in the relationship. and if we're talking about compromise, perhaps a change in who you are (habits, hobbies, ...) doesn't always have to be negative. It can broaden horizons, but that can be a very slippery slope and to be seen on a case to case basis. Of course everything I wrote here is assuming that all parties involved can talk about it in a civil manner.
My problem is that my city has way too many women who are tanks, and rest who aren’t tanks are too busy trying to catch the eye of the extremely wealthy healers.
Lmao I got 75% of the way through this before realising you were making a metaphor and not just using "tanks" as a mean way of referring to significantly overweight people. 😅
There's something I wish people were way better at being than they are, and it's just being honest. About everything. At least, from what I can gather from how society's developed from the comfort of home. I have ASD, Asbergers to be exact. Common trait here is being incredibly honest and taking things at face value. Reading forum threads of people explaining their problems with the world, a lot of it comes down to "why can't people just say what they mean instead of what's implied". If you tell me to do something, I'll go do that something, but I'm gonna be confused if you get annoyed that I didn't do the other thing that was implied, but I was never told about.
women will say men are bad at communication but then expect you to read their minds. it doesnt get any easier as a non-autistic person, they legitimately think you should be telepathic.
Never in my life have I seen someone with legitimate Asperger's spell their own condition incorrectly. That's like the opposite of what I'd expect them to do.
i saw a clip where they said that teenage boys where terrified to even approach a girl, and one of them in it said "good, they should be terrified, i love that they feel terror" and im just like "wtf, this woman should not be allowed to walk around with that fucking attitude"
But women do walk around afraid of men all the time... for a long time we've just had to live with it and expect the worst. I think maybe that girl was exercising some power she never felt before even if that was only made up.
@@thetiredcynic The vast majority of women obviously do not. We would have a substantially different society if they did, and it'd be a worse one for women.
@thetiredcynic I understand. But we live in terrible times. Guys are afraid of girls, and girls are afraid of guys. Or both sides hide the fear through arrogance. No sympathy, no love. No open-minded attitude to know another soul, or to have nice fun. With this red pill nowadays, I have the impression that in the USA, guys and girls are at war. The world is full of fear and hatred. And we were meant to feel joy and love.
Tate was never a "role model", hes a scapegoat for the messed up way our society sidesteps mens issues and treats us like nothing we say matters unless its to uncritically praise someone who hates us.
I feared learning to drive a car. But when I went for it, I went all in and I couldn't handle it and I failed that way as well. I'm 33 and I don't even have a car. I've never had a job. I've never dated. I can't afford anything. I don't even have any friends in life. I think I was afraid of achieving things so I decided to give up and whenever I'd feel like trying again, I'd try too hard and I'd fail that way too. I've been sitting in a small, dark room, my entire adult life. I don't like it anymore, at all. You'd think if someone hated it that much, they would immediately go and do something else. But I have nothing else. And I never have had anything myself. There are many people like me. I hope I find the way soon.
A close friend of mine has three sons age 23,22 and 20. They are all pretty good people. Decently stable respectful jobs, I've worked with them in the past, they really are just solid normal dudes. They are ALL virgins who have never had girlfriends. Obviously this is anecdotal, but I really think something is going on.
@@RAFMnBgaming this exactly. like im 24, ive been in a relationship from when i was about 17-19, and ive wanted to be in another as i desire the companionship they provide. thing is, ive realized since then, that even though i want to be in a relationship again, i dont think i should bother until im in my 30s or so. not only am i not in the best situation financially meaning i cant support someone myself, but i feel like im not mature enough which combined create a surefire bad situation. i think by the time im around 30, ill be able to find more mature people as well, and overall itll probably be a better time for me and whoever i happen to be interested in. essentially what i mean is out of respect for whoever may give me the time of day, i should be able to support them in the way they may want to support me.
@@chandlerstlouis8110 Did that in my 20s. Grind to be able to provide for a family. But I got 100% rejection rate. Fast forward, now at 36, I see my friends that are in 40s divorced. Then watched what those tiktok girls. God no... Now I have no motivation to even look for a date. I like my peace, and my video games. But along the way I fully paid my house. And the savings and investments that's supposedly to provide for a family, now turned into my retirement funds. Which is nice, because I have enough to retire already.
But do they want to even date ? Im in my thirties, single, virgin. Im bi, I do feel romantic and sexual attraction, but Im also completely uninterested in dating either sex. Not because I hold negatove views over either, I just prefer my celibacy. I did have boy/girlfriends but the last one was over a decade ago.
It's refreshing listening to logic, keep making these. The topic you touch on doesn't really matter, your ability to articulate and reason is satisfying enough to listen to.
the topic dont matter, like wealth or health. who care about dating! its super easy! 7 foot 300iq billionaire. super easy ! who need to care about dating its so easy lol, its not a topic that matter at all its too easy.
That's great. I've been following the "plays" channel for a long time and stumbled upon this on accident. As a teacher and a person over 30 - this is information many young people should hear. Kudos
19:30 yeah I get that, but in a 'they dont know positive encouragement' way, yeah sure theyl say 'no thats wrong or no dont do it that way do it this way' but they never say something like 'you did good son, or im proud of you. they focus on the 'you did it wrong part' and completely miss the 'ok what have we learned and can we do it better if we do this instead.'
During my youth I basically believed in "treat others how you wish to be treated" and I'll be honest, I wished someone had been nice to me. I get the feeling that many other guys are falling in the same trap of becoming the person they needed, which isn't what anyone else needs.
"Intelligence is knowing tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad." is one of the most profound pieces of truth ever written in a twitch chat.
Eh, not a fan of that saying. First off, intelligence doesn't just encompass memorization of facts. Second, "fruit" is both a culinary classification and a botanical one. A tomato is a fruit botanically, but not culinarily.
@@robertbeisert3315 My recent uncomfortable discovery was that tomatoes and cucumbers are an unhelathy mix of ingredients, and you should avoid making a salad using both of them
@@EmperorZ19 I find that saying is a convenient “gamification” of the difference between two things that often get conflated. Basically like a DnD style explanation for why Wizards use INT and why Priests use WIS. Whereas real life is a bit more nuanced than this. Wisdom I find is often the practical application of lessons learned from past experiences as they are used to inform new ones. Someone who fails to do this and who repeats mistakes is often thought of as a fool, and we call them (or rather their decisions “stupid.”) But we also call someone who doesn’t know many things stupid as well. The difference is calling the person stupid versus the decision itself stupid owing to a lack of wisdom, or intelligence. After all, the ancient Greeks in particular had many, many, many different kinds of wisdom. Like gnomic wisdom derived from an audience’s emotional response to a moralia. So I don’t think there really is as straightforward a definition as the initial analogy implies.
@twerkingbollocks6661I like my sex jokes the same way I like the act. Takes a while, usually involves breathing difficulty and smack talk, and involves some twists and turns
I'm almost 38 and this video was incredibly insightful. It truly does shine through that you've been a teacher. Wonderful stuff, thank you for having taken the time to answer that question in such a serious and thorough manner.
I work with kids and run several NFP youth groups. I have noticed that kids these days are very pressured into having the right 'stuff' and that if you are not interested in the right thing then you are cast out INSTANTLY. I have seen many kids rufuse to play with a potential new friend because of their skins in games. Moreover Josh is bang on about the aversion they have to new things. I have seen kids pick up a brush to paint an orc in warhammer, it doesn't look amazing within a few minutes and they give up because they are 'bad'. I think a lot of people are conditioned today to think that winning is a moral good and losing is a moral failure which has poisoned everything including dating.
When Josh said the article name at 10:11 my ears perked up because that is the very article which helped me change from an insufferable Andrew Tate-esque teenager to the me right now who genuinely feels better about myself. The first exercise in that article always gets me and it's an easy way to remind myself not to get stuck in the mindset of "the world owes me". Try listing your achievements, not good traits, but genuine achievements (i.e. I am first place in a math competition, or I won a ranked game solo ten times in a row), if this task is hard for you, then you need to read the article.
@@heidithomson6813 It’s on cracked, my reply got auto deleted, but just google “Cracked 6 Harsh Truths” you’ll find it. The pen name of the author is David Wong.
I don't know if it's just that dating has moved into the digital space so much, but no matter the age of the people I chat or try to chat with, they all seem to follow the current generations trends. It's hard to explain and English isn't my first language, so maybe this sounds strange. Thinking of my parents, being the post war generation, there was always this 'just make it work' mentality, untill there was finally the divorce and scorched earth as far as you could see. But even in the relationship with other partners that followed, it was always keeping up appearences, don't talk about the falling out from last night, just get to work. Myself being an early Millennial, but started dating only as a young adult, it was pretty much just the talkshow mentality at that time. A 'let's talk about it' all the time. Being madly in love for a few weeks, spending time over a few months and having the talk a bit later, realising that the life goals were so far apart that it just wouldn't make sense, because one or the other would be miserable pretty much all of the time. And now I find myself in the dating world again, early 40s, and the atmosphere has changed so dramaticly. It's mostly just about sex, where you get blocked instantly if you don't agree within a minute that their specific fetish is the best and you're into it. And mind you, that's on the same platforms that I used a good 20 years ago. Just there isn't a community any more. So yeah, that's my experience in a nutshell, from 'work, don't think', over 'let's talk about everything', up to 'I just can't right now...'. Cross your fingers I'll find a more fitting platform, or that single events will be en vogue sometime soon again.
The make it work mentality kinda resulted in a lot of unhappy relationships though. My parents made it work but they weren't really truly happy, they just made it work, mostly because they had to. Societal pressure at the time kinda dictated it. If you go back farther to my grandparents age, most women were unhappy and plenty were being domestically abused to the point where it was just accepted as something that happens. Personally i think being hypersensitive to red flags and blocking and ghosting a few good people is better than a terrible marriage.
@@LadislausMarguspa Far happier. My nan loved a sailor and was forced to marry an alcoholic. My mom wanted to travel and got stuck in a relationship where they just argued most their life. I have a lovely career and lovely friends and will settle down if i meet someone i want to settle down with and not before. You have to remember the main reason we have feminism is because men acted badly.
Butterflies in your stomach are a terribly weak basis for a committed relationship because those are inherently fleeting and often timely. Dating online is mostly a losing game. Most women do not date online to begin with, and as there are more men, there is more competition for any individual woman. Dating apps are also structurally designed to create a small number of men with harems and a bunch of literal losers; it is a zero-sum-ish gacha game that favors the privileged. Unfortunately, it has bled over somewhat into offline culture, though less than you might imagine. Figure out where to find the sort of people you want to get into a relationship with.
@@MySimDied I think both situations are quite toxic and, overall, pretty shit to be honest. Like Josh said, people are scared. They’re scared that they’re one bad person away from their life getting ruined.
An additional note about kids being afraid to fail, most parents are also afraid of their kids failing because they've been taught that if you mess up in school, the period of time you are supposed to fail in, then you are screwed for life. This is fundamentaly untrue.
its like having a steam account with 100 good games , you have so many good choices that you cant pick one and even when you start playing one you dont enjoy it as much because you are thinking about how much fun you could be having if you were playing that other game , so you end up starting a lot of games and never finishing any of them
@@JewTube001 In my experience as a guy, it's quite applicable to both. Don't confuse women having a 100 interested men as having a 100 good prospects. I look at it this way. If you're on a dating app as a guy and you get 5 matches, you actually have 5 decent shots. If you are a woman with 100 matches... you're not really any closer to finding a match than you were before you started swiping.
Shoutout to YotsuyaNight in the twitch chat: "The problem with IRL is that its harder to reroll if your build sucks." I do disagree with some of what you say. Lot of good stuff, but not all of it is worth taking to heart. Sometimes I want to be the tank, and I wish somebody would accommodate that. Support builds are good, but at times, I (or you, as the case may be) need to be the one that gets buffed. I can't go around buffing everybody else all the time and get nothing in return.
Outside of echoing the comment above me (leaning in on your strengths, to feel good about yourself and be who you are, not what you may want to force yourself to be), if, to use the analogy in the video, you're a support bard and your party doesn't appreciate you for that, then you're not in a party that's complementary to you. I feel like I carry nothing of value to the table but my friends are still happy to spend time with me, and I do nothing else short of being myself and keep on improving on that while acknowledging my shortcomings out loud. I feel like, as a fellow support bard, that's the best thing (or "buff", if you prefer) I can ask for. If I want more, nothing is stopping me from asking it. The same could work for you. That said I do agree it sucks that we can't "reroll" who we are.
I've always met girls at parties, I have never been on a date in my life. This has become an issue as I am getting older because I don't really go to parties anymore and I have no idea how to date. TBH I find the whole Idea of dating to be exceptionally cringe.
Explaining romance to gamers: "So imagine you've found a cool ice sword-" EDIT: ok as this metaphor goes on it's becoming less mildly funny and more insightful
Dating advice in MMO terms: Emotional charlatans - "You need to be a DPS!" Josh - "You might need to be a Healer" Also Josh - "I think, I'm a bard" Me - "I think, I'm playing checkers"
10:57 This works the other way around too I find. It's easy to berate ourselves for doing The Right Thing only reluctantly, and then look as someone else doing it and assume they never had those selfish thoughts you had.
I'm not going to lie to you and tell you that I'm going to watch your streams, because I am more interested in playing games, rather than watching people play games. That being said, these streams do seem really interesting and thought-provoking. As someone who just recently picked up PoE, I like to fantasize that I'll be as eloquent as you while playing it. 😂
I think one of my favorite quotes pertaining to failure "it is possible to commit no mistakes and still lose, that is not a weakness that is life" Reminding us sometimes stuff just happens, but being able to pick up and move forward afterwards is the important part.
I'm terrified of failing, my parents didn't coddle me and protect me from it though, they punished me, reminded me I'm pathetic and a failure constantly because of it. Now the concept of failure is paralyzing and I do not repeat attempting something if I fail. Also makes me very very depressed if I do fail
Nah, the meta has changed. The whole partners thing is antiquated. Same as how in games you no longer need friends/guilds you can just queue up and play with randoms.
I think that the casualization and commodification of relationships due to a perceived fear of not "moving-up"/"trading" and the ENORMOUS economic stress that being in a relationship can have.
I think so many people see "red flag" and they think that can lead to more problematic behaviors down the road. But sometimes they can as you said just sit down and talk it out. The path of least resistance is easy and rather than work it out. It's easier to find another (so they think).
Unfortunately, if you see a red flag and don't run because you want to give the benefit of the doubt, you get blamed and told you deserved what happened because you were stupid, and you believe it too. Some of the most awful situations I ever got myself into were from trying to "talk through" red flag behaviour and not leaving before things got dangerous
The part on failure is interesting to me. I failed a lot in school because I was always put in the "best student" groups (in my country, there was a thing called Leistungsgruppe. There were 3 levels, 1 being best and 3 being worst) and was in over my head. My parents were very adamant about me being there (though I only learned this way after the fact; I thought I was actually that good). So I knew failure. I experienced it constantly, especially in math where I had to study WAY more in advance to not fail. Didn't make it any easier to deal with, because the berating from teachers, being called lazy by my father and generally always being in the stress of almost-failure was way more damaging in the long run. I learned to fear failure from failure, if I had to put it succinctly. There are so many facets to these types of topics. It's super interesting, but it also makes it quite difficult to talk about in front of a large audience like Josh's here.
I turned 30 this past year and I’m incredibly happy to have been married for 7 years this past December. I have NO idea what I’d do if I had to date again right now, IT LOOKS ABYSMAL out there right now.
after 30 it gets worse, much worse, especially if you are looking to find someone of substance....after a while you start realizing all the decent people are already taken and you're left with someone else's leftovers
Many of us are just giving up. I'm not bothering finding and then dealing with girls my age. I'm gonna focus on becoming a firefighter, move out to a small town and commute to work and forget anyone but me exists.
From a mid thirties person who has never found love, thinking it'll one day happen but never has, who accepted the cruel lie of "it'll happen when you least expected it", I'm incredibly envious
The best description of the dating culture today is the following: "Girls wait for first move from guys. Guys afraid of first move to avoid harassment accusations." and "Marriage is a trap for a man since he takes all the risks and carries all the consequences of the divorce."
well, yeah. we had a multi-year long public awareness campaign telling men we're predators for trying to initiate romance, and we listened. They told us men need to do better, and we did. the men kept getting better and the women kept getting worse. the roles have reversed, now we're the ones who are disgusted by our options.
@@necoji4910 its not about what you do, its about what you look like. congrats dude, that means you're attractive. Im happy for you, even though you have all the sincerity of someone who was born into wealth but calls homeless people lazy.
Mark Manson said it best: "dont break up over something that hasn't happened yet. If you don't like them anymore thats OK but don't break up because you're afraid of your future together" -for those wondering the opposite of the question haha
0:07 well, as recently divorced guy, my way of dealing with it - more exercises, new hobby (miniature painting) and more contact with people in general
The "Intention doesn't matter when looking at others." is something I tried to lay down over the years and I feel like I got that very well at this point. It took long but at this point I always question someone's thoughts behind their actions, their intentions. Makes it lot's easier to "judge" people, even tho that might not be up to me. But like that I could already make *a lot* of friends with people that I otherwise wouldn't have deemed right as a friend. Which is a plus to me.
I was not exactly coddled but failure was treated as a end all be all especially when i was a kid. Just imagine where every action has to be right and when it does not meet their standards then they will bring the hammer down and smite you.
Wow, incredible thread there in the second half referencing 'failure' becoming a scary monster for young students. I think in retrospect I struggled a lot with that in school and I have since graduated from uni, but I still have anxiety around failure which actually slows me down and stops me from being as great as I could be.
From my beach chair, where I've spent all my time reading instead of swimming, I look at the pool, think it looks like a lot of fun, but I also don't like any of my apparent options. In the deep end you have adults practicing their high dives and butterfly strokes, but all I've got is my theorycrafting, and as you pointed out, I question my ability to just float. I could put on some arm floaties and step into the shallow end which better matches my comfort/experience level, but then I'm hanging with the kids, wearing arm floaties, and trying to chat up one of the adults at the other end. Mole hill? Probably. I still can't see over it though, because the toughest person to live with is myself, and I guess this beach chair isn't too-too bad. Pool still looks fun though.
I’ve been told several times that “I’m the right guy at the wrong time” and that certainly poisoned me for a long time because I was tired of hearing it. Dating is brutal, but highly rewarding but right now I’m just tired of those excuses
A big problem with the "failure" section at around 20 minutes, is that most exposure kids can have to failing is at school, and usually it's not seen as an opportunity by the students OR the teachers, or the school itself, as a way to understand where you need to improve. Instead failing a test or what have you, typically condemns you as being stupid or unteachable. It's also a sad carry on for people not understanding the "There's no stupid question" saying. They're afraid of asking a question and being called dumb for not knowing things, when in reality we should praise people for admitting they don't know something. People are confidently wrong all the time, and it makes us worse as a community. Admitting you don't have all the answers is the first step to collectively being better.
Related to 17:00 with a different analogy: Buying running shoes doesn't make you a runner. Being a runner doesn't require being fast, or going particular distances, or specific shoes (though they help). It requires running, even slowly for brief periods.
Man, you literally went through all the conversations me and my group had over the past few years. A lot of the same things were said, but you put in in much simpler and more handsome terms. I actually sent an ultimatum to my group and we are going to watch this together over the weekend. Thank you for being an awesome human, Josh.
What a great talk! Wish more people that need it could hear. I've been scouring the internet for something like this far too long, avoiding the manosphere like potholes.
I don't think it's entirely disingenuous to say that your failures _as well as your successes_ are often down to being in the right place, with the right people, at the right time. Luck, basically. Whether it's dating or career or whatever. You can put in all the effort and still fail, and I can see how people could build resentment that way. It's understandable why some would make the logical leap that you need to make your own luck and manipulate things to work in your favor, and some people even _do_ find success that way. These Andrew Tate-types are bad role models for people who want to be good co-op players, but the sad thing is they can be effective if you want to make your life as a ganker.
So far ive found that i'm too messed up to be a co-op player but not messed up enough to be a ganker. I can only really blame how alone i am on myself as anyone that I'm friends with i end up pushing away after about a year or so. I also just have a long built up trauma with women, as most of the time most of the bullying, mocking or manipulation i've suffered has been from women. Everyone asks me why i don't have a girlfriend, and i tell them i don't want one. Sure i have loneliness, but that's mostly from hormones and not so much a personal desire. Having a partner would be nice, but so would having a million dollars. Both are just as unlikely to happen without severe drawbacks.
@@PatrickRatman Yeah that's real. I suspect this will be relatable to more people here than just me lol. If you have trauma with women, are you sure that "I don't want a girlfriend" isn't just deeply seated avoidance cope?
In part, yes. You can set up your probability of being in the right place at the right time and with the right people, though, and while success often requires some level of fortune, getting that fortune often requires some proactive pursuit on your end.
@@NevisYsbryd Certainly the amount of fortune available or within reach of someone definitely depends on their circumstances, which itself is a bit luck based. So at the end of the day while yeah we can kinda do something about something sometimes, occasionally the universe just points at someone and is like "get fucked scrub".
Nah, he's wrong at 25:50. There's some people who can't handle messy rooms, and some people who it doesn't really affect them. If you're the former, it creates a lot of stress (either anger, anxiety, or otherwise depending on who you are) when you a long-term cohabitating with someone who leaves a mess and doesn't see the issue. You say you can talk it out but in my experience, that doesn't work. I think it's on the same level of someone who doesn't care about sex as much with a person who does. It's going to fuck up the vibe between the people. Better to split, before rings are exchanged.
2:31 yep you hit the jackpot reason for break ups, attractiveness two people may work perfectly together like butter and honey, but if they are not attracted to each other they will not want to be together, what I have figured out that each person needs something quite specific in a relationship, and if it is not present in the current relationship said person will feel that something is missing even if there is nothing wrong in the relationship, and that's what is scary when someone else offers the thing that is missing in your relationship you now are faced with the moral dilemma of choosing between your current relationship that is going smoothly and the thing that is most important for you in a relationship, but is lacking in your current relationship, well that's of course if you are aware of what is most important for you in a relationship, even subconscious awareness is better compared to no awareness at all. well consciously ignoring your subconscious awareness is not good either... sorry that's the best way I can explain it... 11:19 intentions not always match actions, also trying to figure out someone's intentions solely on their actions leads to a lot of assumptions and this is rarely a good thing... 11:30 intentions does matter a lot in court... just saying... 16:24 yes it is quite easy to be said in words, but do realize how much of creativity, luck and preparation must be used in order to achieve such conditions... 19:24 also there is another point to be made on this topic, why waste time improving your weak points when you can put this effort into improving your strong points... well of course there comes a moment where improving your strong points starts getting diminishing returns and improving your weak points starts to look a lot more attractive... 20:02 it's not the failure that weighs so much, after all if it was that, no one would play games like Dark Souls it's when other's start comparing you to someone that is successful that's when failure starts to get you down, funny thing about this comparison... you do not know how many times the guy you are being compared to failed before he became successful... 20:42 objection that depends on ones imagination...
It's interesting that MMOs and dating have evolved the same way. Queue up, flex any achievements/ranking that you have hoping you get an invite, try a run or 2 then ghost and go next.
"It is possible to commit no mistakes and still lose. That is not a weakness. That is life." - Jean-Luc Picard
“Peak Performance” episode of Star Trek if I recall correctly!
or lose and make no mistake, called irony of life
Sometimes you find a really good comment on UA-cam and it's just a Star Trek quote.
I’m surprised he didn’t quote V from V for Vendetta, “I’ve not come for what you hoped to do. I’ve come for what you did.”
Yeah but don't use that as an excuse to avoid introspection and just assume you're always doing everything perfectly.
I get it now. My ex would've been perfect for a poison build.
Yeah, I can relate my bro. I am on a chaos build rn😎
While toxic might not be the META right now, it seems to be a rather popular build on both sides
My ex picked an off meta build and shes now softlocked
My ex had a rage and bloodlust build
My fiance is a pure fire build 😂
Dating apps commodifying and "gamefying" dating culture by design sure hasn't helped.
That's what you think, people only find how many people would reject them anyway, online dating is mostly just for people who are looking for short term relations
They have exacerbated the problems for sure. People are viewed as stats rather than people. And heaven forbid you be a guy that isn’t the pinnacle of perfection. I don’t even bother with online dating because anyone I know who has tried it, felt like ending their lives afterwards. It plummeted their self esteem as they got nothing but bots.
@@marcodxd3631
That's what _you_ "think" right back at you.
The apps are *literally* designed for profit and they absolutely have normalized the commodification of dating by that gamefied design.
People are reduced to their profile pictures and couple snippets of texts for "yes/no"-swipes on the most popular dating app there is and you think that _doesn't_ have an effect on dating culture at large? Dingus.
And neither of your claims actually even contradict mine so what was the point you thought you were making exactly?
@@ms.sysbit5511
Exactly. People are effectively reduced to "dating profiles."
_Products_ they themselves need to advertise at other people.
And then there's the whole factor of people being far more callous on dating apps than they'd ever dare to be face-to-face which naturally _"helps"_ the more sensitive people (and women who don't want unsolicited dic pics and perv harassment) to feel excluded from the _"dating market."_
Yeah I've tried explaining the apps to my friends about how they work, and they think I'm the freak for swiping right on countless premade pics and profiles of woman lol. I've found a few and talked to a few, even dated a girl for 4yrs from one, but they are far and few between. If the profile isn't filled with things she does and likes and has pics of holding 1,000 drinks at the club, it's of post that the girl isn't even using anymore and has been floating around the app for months if not years. It's all a game to get people to swipe and pay monthly fees for the chance. The more the you swipe right the higher chances it shows you girls of said type. Until you start going left then you'll get more girls of the "right" type.
The introspection thing is so real. My mom is divorced twice and a serial dater for the last 20 years, always trying to find Mr. Right. But the thought that her poor anger management, extreme mood swings, and total lack of emotional intelligence or empathy MIGHT have something to do with every guy who is with her long term saying that they feel unloved.....never crosses her mind. I think my mom is the "crazy ex" for at least 6 different guys now.
Edit: Update for the folks in the replies wishing me luck for my own relationships. I have been in a wonderful, loving, and committed relationship for the last 10 years and we are getting married this fall!
Ahahahaha that comment is so relateable to how my own mother does things 😂 perfect summary here.
bet she hot af to still be pulling guys, ill wont mind a turn ; ) she can ruin me
I am just glad you were able to see it. I think you will do much better already.
no waay! women are soooo much better at empathy and emotional intelligence than men, mhm yeah!
Gosh the realization hits quick.
The amount of truth one person can speak in a short amount of time about such a deep concept while playing a video game reminds me why I enjoy his content. Keep it up Josh.
that's the weird thing about what josh is saying, the article that he says he reads every year, I've read it and I've gotta say josh is exactly what the article says he is. Josh is playing a video game here, but the viewers aren't there because josh is good at said video game, it's because josh is interesting as a person and is very entertaining to listen to.
totally not pre-recorded for background noise
@@GX-105D To be fair it's not like it takes a brain surgeon to play an ARPG, let alone a summoning build
So, I just saw this guy pop into my feed, giving his opinion on dating, and curiosity of behavior led me to questioning why he was giving such serious advice, whilst wearing what appears to be an extra's outfit from The Count of Monte Cristo, and it turns out he wears the same outfit nearly all the time. The sheer number of videos he's recorded wearing the same swashbuckler costume is his beautiful lie. Do you know anyone in your life that looks like that on a daily basis? Dr. Disrespect has his uniform for fun, but this guy seems to be have integrated role playing into his streaming personae. That seem right to you?
@@TheBlackB0X Yeah he's a little bit of a nut, but honestly in the demographic of former theater kids he's pretty healthy, mentally.
I'm in my currently longest relationship (almost 4 years) and we just had our first real talk about a major incompatibility she and i have. One of her flaws is her lack of accountability and I would constantly have to apologize for things I didn't do or shouldn't have had to *just to get her to admit that she hurt me* and it started happening so frequently that until i finally talked to my friends about it, i had been successfully gaslit into thinking all the problems i had w her were made up and everything was my fault. Thank god my friends cleared it up for me. I brought it all out to her and i gave her the ultimatum; either fix this or we're done because I can't and won't be forced to live through my childhood trauma as an adult. She finally, *finally* freely admitted she has a hard time accepting her own mistakes. She also started therapy. That was 4 weeks ago and now we're better than ever and she is consciously making effort to improve. in my opinion, that's something to end a relationship over. Something that would eventually make you hate and resent the other person. Not petty differences.
good luck bro, that kind of human is hard to change
@@Astares9 Aye, that's my mother to a T, lots of childhood trauma from it and into adulthood because even when confronted with it she doubles down. At this point, in her old age, it's way too late for her .. she can't even remember the last 30 seconds most times to even know what she's fussy about. She just remembers being mad, and me being there when she's mad. ..so it had to be my fault ^.^ .
Absolutely understandable my brother. You should always check if you and your partner are compatible with each other and understanding of each other. This way you can love, respect and appreciate each other. I wish you and them all the best in being positive and improving as people going forward. All the best. 👍🏾✨
I would rather die alone than suffer 4 years of that, but kudos to you brother
4 weeks out and everything from here on out is gonna be great!
He missed my favourite bit of learning. Being punished for failure until you reach the point you don't try new things because that way you won''t be punished.
Hand on the stove effect as I've heard it called.
But isn't failure inherently punishing? Not saying that people's behavior or other circumstances doesn't make it leagues worse, and cause the thing you speak of, but can you really divorce failure and punishment?
@@DashSlashDash no, its possible to fail and still get a positive outcome because you've learnt/grown from the experience.
@@DashSlashDash Failure is it's own punishment, but that's not what's being discussed here. This is about other people punishing you for failing, like an overbearing parent who punishes you for not getting high enough grades, or for not doing well enough in your music lessons, or for not having enough extracurricular activities, etc. etc.
It's pretty common for people who grew up with overbearing parents to lose momentum later in life, because they get this fear of failure ingrained into them from an early age, to the point where eventually the brain subconciously makes the obvious connection that the only way to guarantee that you avoid failure is to just never try to achieve anything. After all if you don't try then you can't fail.
It's just one of the many ways that you can fuck up kids with shitty parenting. Japan's hikkikomori problem stems amongst other things from this style of parenting. And it just goes to show that forcing your child to be successful early in life through punishment does not automatically mean that they'll be successful later in life as well, and that often it will have the exact opposite effect.
Who are you and when did you start spying on me?
I can really feel and appreciate Josh's penchant for mentorship. I can tell he really cares about helping people, even when he's not being super on the nose about it. I feel the same calling myself sometimes.
Answer the call, it's honestly worth taking the time. Not only does it give you another look on the world, through the eyes of those you share whatever experience and wisdom you might have, but you also get to help people that sometimes are completely lost. You dont even need to have your shit together to be a mentor, you just need to have enough experience for your point of view to be valuable to someone else. There definitely is something special teaching someone important things that are more than just academic subjects but matters of life.
Everyone doing the good to which they are called builds strong communities and stronger cultures.
Modern dating is finding a hot porn babe, paying her some money (the equivalent of taking her out to dinner), and pleasuring yourself for an hour.
meanwhile Andrew tate "claims to want to help men while owning cam girls and only fans making money off men waiting theirs
@@informationyesTate is a grifter and con artist but channels like Josh are worse. At least with Tate these dumb kids have a shot of figuring out they’re being taken for a ride. With Josh, people will slurp up the empty platitudes until they’re broke or until Josh moves on to his acting career 😂
Hand on heart,
As a man in his thirties who has been through various emotionally difficult times,
I find it so important and right that Josh brings such wisdom (yes, there is wisdom in his words) to his, partly young and insecure, viewers.
Life can be confusing at times
yep. I had to go through some hard experiences to gain these sorts of insights.
Josh is the kind of guy we need mentoring young men.
Absolutely. Wise is a perfect word to describe his discussion
I have an example of "throw away everything when a small part doesn't work". One girls that I was in a relationship with for almost six months ghosted me after I offered to come to her house with pizza because she was sick and couldn't go out with me. When I tried to find out what was going on, received the answer “there is nothing more to talk about” and was blocked. Despite the fact that she herself told me a week earlier how important it is to have an open dialogue about problems with a partner. Interesting experience
I dated a girl similar, I started prioritising myself more and she dumped me.
idk i feel as if there is some critical information lacking in this situation
@@vyllix8546 she was triggered by the idea that I was coming to her house, that's all. Is it some kind of trauma or overthinking or a “red flag” in her head - dunno, she didn’t want to talk. But the relationship ended there
@@saizero0433 Nah. She just wanted to breakup, 50/50 she wasn't even sick.
@@saizero0433 sad she didn't have the decency to actually have a proper break up discussion as an adult but all you can do is move on and improve yourself
Saw a tiktok recently that said something like, "If you found your current partner off a dating app before 2020, you basically got the last chopper out of Vietnam."
I met my wife on Facebook and we first chatted there. I wasn't using Facebook for this purpose, this just happened. But my experience with dating-focused apps and websites was horrible. These platforms are just awful. Theyr dynamics are bad, internactions are too superficial, and so on. I would never recomend dating apps to seek people and relationships.
I think "how can I be a person worth dating" isnt the right question either. I believe the right question is "how can I be a person I admire". It sets the focus on doing the things you think are the right things to do and being a great person as a main stand alone goal instead of being a great person to get the love of others. You will be an authentic person who knows who you are and as a side effect lots of people will like you for that too.
I really appreciated this distinction. Because there’s a danger with the first question that it places disproportionate value on something that actually may be impossible for someone to achieve or have or be. And for some, that can stop them from starting the whole process at all. Like, “I have zero chance of having “that” why should I bother starting?” Instead, the second question makes it aspirational and frames it more along the lines of that “aim for the moon and be among the stars should you fail” kind of notion.
Well said. Every day, try to be a bit better than you were yesterday, and the rest comes by God's mercies.
@@Nikelaos_Khristianos its a little but of both
You have to be accept by not only yourself, but the other person. If you are adapting to others, and it is not something you vibe with at your core, you will be miserable. If all you are in tune with is yourself and making yourself comfortable without being open to adapt to what a partner may need, you will make them miserable.
@@Spidahman4283 Oh for sure, both of those actions are really important and good processes. I might make a further distinction though, that the first notion is more important when you’re starting to put yourself out there (you’re trying to see what sort of people you attract, and if they don’t resonate with you, it’s important to recognise that.) But I agree, in any kind of situation, friendship or relationship, if only one person is compromising and the other person isn’t, that person who keeps bending over is going to snap one day. And that’s not a pretty picture.
This, I think, is closer to the mark. Several others have pointed out that it does require more refinement. Not your statement but the original.
Sadly, on both ends of dating, we've still yet to figure it out. A lot of guys get burnt out on the advice being "just be better, and someone will like you." That statement makes it feel like the onus is only on you whether someone likes you. Even if it's not the intent. I think his swords analogy works a lot better for it.
These are great conversations, though.
Josh’s mastery over linking two completely unrelated things together is incredible.
It's like a Spellblade build in an RPG.
You would think magic and melee combat are entire different and unrelated things, until you find weapons which scale with your intelligence stat.
are they unrelated? i am convinced they are related now. This life adventure we are on is pretty fantastical sometimes.
unwillingly i might asume, because all he is saying about "people tell you that you deserve xy and you can do no wrong" he is right about, but it also perfectly applies to feminism, bodypositivity and stuff like that. People have no filter when it comes to making fun of short guys for their height, something they have no influence over...but if you say i dont want to date someone thats overweight, people lose their mind...but also only if its a man talking about a women...woman shaming chubby men? perfectly ok
Just a bit hypocritical
I love how he doesn’t even think about it but immediately explains a relationship in PoE terms
i wouldn't say they are unrelated per say. its more like we don't normally think game things can apply to real life.
its kinda like how many parents thought Video games were a complete waste of time and it led to only brain rot, but how many Raiders in MMOs learn valuable skills like leadership, or even teamwork? how many people develop higher hand eye coordination?
My previous relationship ended with the ‘throw the whole person out’ approach. I’m mature enough to have a rational conversation about things that annoy me, but the person I was dating could not do that.
In reflection it’s a blessing since that incompatibility is significant.
My last relationship was like this too, which was surprising when I put up with so much and had to push so hard to talk about discussing problems and compromises.
I think women are more likely to do this because it's easier for them to find another.
Same here m8, i even went to her place to see if we could sort stuff out but i just got stonewalled and basically thrown out. Sucks man
im right there with you, except i actually ended it but there was no talking it out - just a major maturity and values gap. I still miss having her a lot though, god damn ive been lonely
I do feel like everyone is so scared to victim blame that we're skipping a core aspect of self-reflecting and holding ourselves accountable for our actions. Relationships make everyone very real, vulnerable and kinda crazy. Mistakes happen on both sides and it's important to reflect on what you can do better. It's very easy to blame or make the other person a villain. In my experience, it's truly uncomfortable to know you treated someone poorly or maybe messed up and some things could be your fault. Unfortunately that period of uncomfortable self-reflection is the best way to grow as a person and gain true self-confidence and not misplaced ego/narcissism.
@@AndreiGeorgescu-j9p Modern feminists and Simps are two sides of the same coin. Both destroy the sexual market place by selling their value short.
Simps give money to women without getting anything in return which ruin it for us men who seek a fair exchange.
Women ruin it by giving away their virginity, their sexuality to Chad and Tyrone for free without understanding the insane value of it.
The sexual marketplace is in total upheaval, shit has hit the fan, and it's dirty everywhere and nobody want to clean it up.
Their perfectly happy to blame men, just not women.
The sword analogy was surprisingly a genuinely perfect analogy
Yeah he really is a smart fella.
@@actualteddybear891*fart smella.
I won't buy into your lies.
Came for mmo, stayed for life lessons.
Pretty basic, simple life lessons.
@@diamondhamster4320That some people didn't get earlier because their environment is crap and doesn't promote the lesson
@@diamondhamster4320 Life isn't that complicated.
Came for the life lessons. Came harder for the fashionably unbuttoned collar and suave accent.
Dating feels more like a job application. I had a date the other week and the girl asked me straight up (and it was the literally the first question she asked) "How much money do you make?". I walked away from that date.
Fight fire with fire next time. Ask her, "What are the three best herbs you put on spaghetti". Make her walk away - it gets more fun once you " L2play"
@@biznachos1 Spaghetti lmao. She's gonna walk away laughing at how poor you are.
@@shinobuoshino5066 Then I have won the game ;)
I was literally going through a bit of a rough patch with regards to dating and self-perception and then Josh drops this banger, This video helped me a lot and made me think about things differently and how I perceived them. Thanks Josh man! Your wisdom helped a lot!
20:30 This is exactly how I went from being terrorized at anything remotely suspenseful (I couldn't even close my eyes in the shower because of shark fear) to now even the worst stuff barely matters to me.
I simply had an epiphany that what I was scared of wasn't anything outside, but my mind that was much scarier. Once that happened, everything stopped being scary, and even my mind stopped making me feel fear because I'm the one in control of it now.
To have that epiphany I confronted my fears by playing DDLC which was the latest "scary" trend, and after I finished it, I was like "That was it? This is what people call scary?" I almost cried of joy from being freed of the burden of fear.
Here in SEA the fear of failure thing is really common mindset. Even if you are fortunate to have parents who don't expect you to be a superhuman you will often subconsciously condemn yourself as a loser if you don't get high grades/high paying job/married at a certain age/etc. One of the saddest cases in my country concerning the inability to accept failing was one where a twelve year old student took her own life after she got one B instead of straight As for all her subjects.
Kamusta fellow SEA folk~
You're such a grounded and kind person, Josh. This video was a joy to watch. Thank you!
As a kid I had this tshirt saying: “success is going from failure to failure without losing enthusiasm”
Chasing and courting women is exhausting, the texting culture and trying to gauge and keep the interest, while making all the effort, especially in online dating, where you can get ghosted is a miserable feeling.
It took me a while to be happy by myself, as my teenage years, born with a a physical birth defect. It made me sensitive and i was quite closed off to people, especially girls, i showed interest in, only to be just seen as a friend.
The key to dating is knowing who you are and what you want in a partner. Make a list of who you are and then make a list of what you are looking in a partner. Then separate those things into "must haves", "can compromise on", "would be nice but not a huge deal". Then, go find the person that compliments you. Don't just date to "have SOMEONE, ANYONE". That's called a hookup today. In my time, it was called a one-night stand.
Take a look at your "must haves". Then ask "where can I find someone that has that". If religion is a "must have" thing, start going to that place of worship. If you really enjoy dancing and want a partner that dances, go to places where they have dancing. If politics matters to you, do things that align with that political view. Go where you'll meet people that will align with what you're looking for. Lastly, if you think finding that person that compliments you will happen in a matter of days, you aren't living in reality.
If you don't find a person that compliments you, where your wants, needs, desires, goals, etc, mostly align, neither of you are going to be happy.
Meh, sounds extremely demanding. People can surprise you and change you. This sounds like you leave no room for surprises. No room for life to happen. Love isn’t about being logical.
I have a friend who sounds this demanding as well. She says shes okay being single when shes sober, cries and complains drunk why she can’t find love. She also does have a lot of suitors.
And then theres me. I’m dating a girl who I’m CONTENT with. Some things could be better, some things are awesome. I’m happy. I don’t cry over finding love when I’m drunk.
@@hyvsan9425
It's even more exhausting when you take anyone you can find, regardless of compatibility, only to find that being incompatible gets you fighting over things you didn't need to fight over had you just found a person that you were compatible with in the first place.
As for your friend? Yes, being alone can suck. Sometimes it can weigh on you when you see your friends in relationships. But waiting for the right person saves a lot more heartache in the end.
You say you are content in your relationship. Good. Things can always be better. They can always get worse. But it sounds like you found someone compatible ENOUGH with you that you both are happy.
@@AndreiGeorgescu-j9p
Rarely will you find everything you want in a person. That's why you set your "must haves" and what you are willing to compromise on.
You don't have to be attractive to find what you want unless what you want is a person that is an underwear model. And if that is the case, if that is your "must have", and you didn't win the gene lottery, well, good luck on that.
The older you get the more you realize that looks fade over time, but the person, who you are, who they are, that doesn't fade.
Stupid strategy for men.
@@SeanMendicino-n3d
By all means, tell us all YOUR strategy for dating women since you think what I said is "stupid". Or, is that your entire strategy, just like responding to someone here; walk up to a woman and say, "other men here are stupid", and think they will fall at your feet due to your astounding ability to communicate?
In the TLDR words of Captain Obvious: Dating apps and pickup artists profit off people breaking up and coming back to the app, NOT from them staying together long term. Have fun everyone!
Designed to work short term just like modern MMOs. Hmmm.
So? Dating apps aren't designed for you to break up. Don't blame them for that.
@@itsgonnabeanaurfromme They are, actually. Modern dating apps are designed for short-term hookups and promote dissatisfaction and a constant sense of grass-is-greener. If you look at dating sites in the late 2000's and early 2010's, the difference is stark--back then, there was an emphasis on finding people you were genuinely compatible with. Match and their subsidiaries have a formula to keep people hooked and maximise their profits.
@@itsgonnabeanaurfromme that's not really the point though right, dating apps are designed to quickly match you against people based on very little info (mostly looks). It's against the interest of dating apps for you to find meaningful connections; if you quickly found one, you wouldn't need the app anymore. Now imagine an app that requires a more in depth personality test and an algorithm designed to match you against someone that actually fits you. You would get wayyy fewer matches, but those that you do get have a higher chance of success. A dating app like this, even though it has a higher success rate, would be less commercially viable since people just don't have to engage with it that much. So though dating apps do not 'cause' people to break up, they do promote a culture of less meaningful, more throwaway types of connections. They are not the one cause of the overall problem, but def a part of it, in my opinion.
I dont even know how to say this, but you are a well mannered, well spoken and very very likeable human being. Finding you here and on twitch made my life better. Thank you.
You're absolutely right. Josh is awesome. Check out his reviews if you haven't!
It bothers me how some people do not understand how to be good to eachother. Without details, my wife and I were hoping to have a date night. She ended up catching a cold from work. We were hoping for a little romance, and instead, I'm doing the dishes and making her soup. Be versatile. If they need you to be a support role, do it.
The other day, we had a small fight. She had cleaned the bathroom, and I couldn't find my shaving supplies after a very hard work week. I got frustrated and got too critical for her. She didn't like it. We got upset at eachother. Later, we both apologized and came at it with cooler heads. I thanked her for cleaning up and offered a solution for both us.
Life with another person is hard. One of the best skills that has kept us together is how we step up for eachother when needed and repair together when there's a problem. When the relationship is healthy and strong, everything becomes even better.
Being a "nice guy" is the lowest possible bar. It matters so much more to be a PARTNER.
Nail on the head bud.
Partner and I recently decided to move across country, so he's looking for a second job to clear his debts quicker, to make the move happen. He very sheepishly asked if I would help more with other responsibilities bc he will be working more - of course I am here to pick up in the areas where he won't have time, bc we're a team! Team goals, team effort ❤
Bless your heart. I love that cleaning dishes instead of a date night and losing shaving supplies is considered an example of living with another person being hard. Wish I was white.
@itsgonnabeanaurfromme we have had bigger problems. Family shattering problems. There was one moment I won't go into here where she confronted my mom and compared it to staring down a dragon. These were just little bumps that were more recent.
Well there's a big difference between finding out what someone likes and doing it for them, versus trying to mind-read and assuming that because you gave someone what you more or less suppose they might want, you are being nice, and I think that's where a lot of "nice guys" go wrong. Actually finding out for sure what someone wants and giving it to them is a powerful level of thoughtfulness and support that can, at times, take a lot of effort. But also, doing this alone will not make for a healthy basis for a relationship because you still need to have your own boundaries and standards too. So I would say the problem isn't that being a "nice guy" is a low bar, the problem is that people who see themselves as "nice" are often mistaking being accommodating for being pointedly supportive after acquiring information on the way a person likes to be supported. Being accommodating on its own is, in my view (as someone who tends to be very accommodating) a pleasant trait to have under the right circumstances, but it doesn't carry the visceral nature of pointed thoughtfulness. Instead, I think what it tends to create is more of a "sure, I don't mind this person's presence" vibe. It's harder for someone to dislike you if you are very accommodating, but I would venture to say that's because you end up being like air, where it's hard for them to get a strong sense of who you are that they can feel strongly about you in the first place. Which is also a terrible position to be in for romance, which is supposed to involve strong feelings about another person. So that, I suspect, is where many "nice guys" end up ignored. Not because anyone wants to take advantage of them, but because they are being like "air" and it's difficult for a corporeal being to fall for air.
Man, this hit me like a truck. Been dealing with a 4 year LDR break up for the past months. It was not anyone's fault, we were great together but the distance got the best of her and well, she broke up with me. Reels and other things have been messing with my head meanwhile and my anxious attachement has been driving her away even more. Haven't been in the best of places therefore but Josh here... man, he is dropping some facts about dating.
Won't be doing LDR anymore. I don't want to pass through such anguish once again. I'm starting to work on myself, even been going to a gym, something I haven't done in YEARS.
For all that, I subbed and will start watching this dude. Wish you the best man. And for you all out there, you've got this.
When it comes to dating, the main problem I have is just finding people to talk to. I don't really have anyone who can introduce me to others and people are afraid of talking to strangers, understandable but regrettable. This puts me in a situation where while I'd consider myself at least somewhat attractive, both in appearance and personality, I simply have few opportunities to even make use of that.
I'm in a similar situation as you. I have very few friends and of those I do have, one is married with kids. The other is single but always working, and a group of about four who are hopelessly single (in the sense of they don't have their lives together, irresponsibly spend their money, and don't do anything social). I personally am socially inept and am unable to understand signs (trust me, I'm still recovering from realizing someone may have been into me about 4 years ago at this point) without help. The hobbies I'm interested in are very much male dominated if not wholly male most times. Bars and clubs are not my scene (though I do go regularly to a few pubs for food and drinks on the weekend or if there's a major game on TV). I've been working on my appearance with clothing and while I could stand to lose a few pounds am not ugly. While I'm certain there are opportunities, I'm just not seeing them.
@@PhillyCh3zSt3ak I think this is something loads of people experience, both men and women. It pushes people to the dating apps which are just toxic by nature which causes a bad feedback loop as it also makes men feel undesired.
I've been going to cafés on weekends as I like coffee, so I've gotten some opportunities from that, but most people are simply not willing to talk or already have company.
@@CottidaeSEA I can relate to this; although most of the things im interested in are male dominate; mostly board games, video games, things of that nature
@@f45411 A suggestion would be to go to cons, meet people with similar interests IRL. Since the amount of women who play games has increased, you'll also find more of them there. So with a bit of tact, you should be able to at least create contacts, if not a partner. That's a good step in the right direction.
I would do the same thing, but there are few of them around and the ones I do know of tend to have younger people participating and then I feel a bit too old, I'm old enough to be their uncle a lot of the time.
My UA-cam account alone is 17 years old, I made it as a teenager. That should give you a hint of my age.
I think the way figures like Andrew Tate become popular and looked up to is because there's very few mentors reaching out and trying to be a supportive voice to young men. A lot of time the answer to young men, and men in general, who are struggling is either apathy (ignore) or mockery. So what happens when you have people that are mocked or ignored and they have someone come along who builds them up. Who tells them they can be better and have a lot to offer? They want to listen. They want to feel better. But the problem is when its a figure like Tate they're being fed a poison pill. They think that his methods work because he's a supportive voice. One that is also wrong about the best way to address the situation.
I think that we need male mentors, and examples of positive masculinity. There's a pretty prevalent attitude that masculinity at all is inherently toxic, and therefore it just tells these guys that embracing any form of masculinity is wrong. Which just further disenfranchises them. Because when they're told over and over that nothing about being a man is a positive. They're going to shut down and refuse to engage with someone. Even if ultimately it would be better long term for them to listen and make changes in their life and perspective that said person is suggesting. You could be completely right, but convey that information so badly that almost no one listens to you.
It's not just a simple matter of people like Tate giving men the easy answer that you're right and everyone else is wrong. That's certainly a part of it. But I think the bigger issue is that people like Tate are the few that are reaching out to struggling men.
Exactly. When western society tries to shame and bully men (especially young men) into submission, telling them that they're latent criminals just for being born, they will take the hand of whoever reaches out. If that happens to be someone with bad motives, then said society is to blame, not its victims; and when people put the blame for that solely on men, like Josh is doing here, it exacerbates every single aspect of the problem.
Feel like in the US, at least, a lot of this actually starts in school. Seems like the only kind of boys that are valued are those who excel at sports, so if that's not you, you may as well not exist as a lot of schools are not going to have secondary programs that cater to things like art, music, coding, or other pursuits where the interested can both build skills and confidence due to the perpetual lack of funding and relative mismanagement of the system. I know I didn't have anything akin to a counselor who would've heard me out for my various grievances, either.
High school sports messed up my body pretty good. Broke my left hand in seventh grade but still had to playing through the game as it turned a gnarly purple. Messed up my knee in 9th and couldn't walk unassisted for months. Back followed suit in 11th and took about as long my knee did to recover. This being the late 90's, you were simply told to ignore the pain, to suck it up, that that's what a real man is. I'm paying for it 2 decades later because I didn't have a choice. It's just what boys had to do. So, of course, this means hardass coaches. It's strangers lining bleachers cheering or jeering your performance. It's watching money go to football fields and basketball courts because capitalism and the exploitation of unpaid child labor. When I got laid out when my back blew, there was only some polite clapping at best. Never a, "How you doing?" and instead, "When will you be back?" in the months that followed. Meanwhile, get an A on a test? No one gives a damn except for maybe your parents. I know for some kids, school is just viewed as free babysitting so their parents don't really care, either.
I think the only saving grace of my youth was that smart phones weren't a thing and the internet was still kinda getting its legs in the family home, so there was no constant social media pressure that can further lead into things like perpetual, inescapable bullying. Much as I never really felt I had a role model, at the very least I could get away from the kids that made me hate waking up every day because despite playing the jock game, I was always more the nerd and just never fit in with any group.
Other part of the equation is just places for kids to go to have fun outside of the house disappearing. People in my town always wonder why our average citizen age is over 50 and kids are always in a rush to get out once they graduate and it's like, "Yo, you gotta do more than some ball fields. Closing down the pool a while back did no favors, either." Some will try to say all they want to do is just stay inside on their phones, but it feels more like a self-fulfilling prophecy when you don't give them the variety to be themselves without judgment. And it's also really scaring me seeing some states pushing for lighter child labor laws/restrictions or even not cracking down on outright creepy legal wedding ages.
@@WeisseningBlitzNot even touching the core issue that so called society says you are worth only as much as your best skill. Is this the society you want? Don't forget that you shape society, only much less than Tates and such because people love following and copycatting them. Once you realize that we are just biological mirror(neuron)s... just embrace the nothing.
I do believe that there are some good male mentors online. For example, Jordan Peterson was one until he started going more into political speeches, but I haven't really paid much attention to him recently.
Thou the main issue why you don't see these good mentors that are aiming at men is all about marketing.
Tate had his marketing approach to play the YT algorithm so he got to the top very quickly and stayed there because of the reasons that you mentioned. Guys want to see someone give them good advice and then he pops on the stage and it looks sensational while telling the guys what they want to hear. Ofc they're going to take it all in and actually believe that because, for plenty of them, they want solutions to complicated problems and if that solution is simple, which Tate was giving, then they'll take that twice as fast and won't even critically think about it.
Now compare that to someone that is more down to earth and they're telling you actually sound advice, but in a more calm and dry way and also explaining you how these things are not that simple. No matter how correct the person is, they won't get the required views to get on top because it's not interesting enough. There's no "action", "sensation", "bombastic feelings" and other nonsense stuff that marketing is all about. We're living in a fast paced world and people want that next dopamine hit that this person just isn't giving it to them.
We don't even have to go on YT to prove this. How many times, as a teenager, do majority of kids listen to their fathers and grandfathers? Very rarely because they KNOW, at that age, that they're the smartest people on Earth. It's only in the late 20's or such, after doing a ton of mistakes that your elders told you about, does it get from your bum to your brain that maybe they actually knew something and were trying to help you :D
The problem with that is that the positive masculine examples are too busy with stuff like ... having a life or working.
Positive examples are not rare, in fact, they make a large % of the population, it's just they don't care about giving the impresion of being good models.
Like, your average worker on a walmart has better and more valuable dating and life advice than Tate, but who do you think looks "cooler" to you an impresionable young adult?
An average joe with a boring job, or a loud and obnoxious bald guy that boast about money and alpha shit?
Good role models don't go seeking peoole that need help or are in unfavorable conditions, that is what scammers do.
"Hey Josh, what's the best way to deal with a breakup?"
"Oh I love it"
💀
As a father of 2 I agree with that statement on parents failures I noticed early on everyone shelters the children and tries to make em feel safe but no one was teaching them how to take the steps forward to learn how to deal with their own shortcomings
as someone who had to grow out of the habit of trying to force a relationship when compatibility isn't there from the start- I'm really glad you're addressing it. Even when I had what I thought were the best intentions, I was still just trying to force my desires on a situation. And even if I wasn't solely at fault at the end of the relationship, I was in the wrong from the start by persuading someone to date me despite their boundaries and needs that they stated from the start. Growth is good, people, it really is. And the relationships you have when you do grow are just so much better; for you, for your partners, for those around you. It brings so much more to all of your lives when you approach each other as full people, not a specific goal or reward.
Hi Josh. Great insights that you've shared here in this video. I am a therapist (marriage/family therapist) and I wish more people who have access to audiences, like you have with yours, would have these kinds of views and share them. These things needed to be said! My name is Josh as well. Hello fellow Josh! Love your content :) Big fan!!
I love the character arc of Josh going from being put off from POE because of the skill tree to using it to explain the complexities of human relationships.
Steven Seagal got choked out and shit himself after telling a stuntman he couldnt be choked out. Bruce Lee was known for being an asshole to the stuntmen because they were too soft and he wanted the scene to look real. Two polarizing stories. LOL
The number of times it is morally correct to repeat the Seagull shit story is always one more than the times it has already been told.
The part at around 11:32 about you dont have control about how you are perceived is sooo important! It helps me to focus on how i perceive myself and be the person i feel comfortable with. Usually that leads to other people feeling comfortable with me, too
This is by far the best relationship advice u can get
The thing about people throwing it all out over 1 tiny thing that isn't an actual deal breaker is so true. People tell me stories about how they ghosted someone over the most insignificant shit. It's like that repetitive joke in seinfeld about them breaking up with someone over the most petty insignificant things and they don't even try to communicate. People just want everything to be perfect and not treat the other person like a person
something I find that people forget is that compatibility is, aside from fundamental differences in certain situations, a labor of love. In my opinion compatibility stems from love, love does not stem from compatibility.
Well said. Often, I have found that it’s a mutual uncovering of flaws and procedurally deciding which flaws we are willing to put up with for the sake of love. Often with the hope that these flaws could even change into perks some time down the road.
I have to disagree. Everyone is who they are on a fundamental level. Each person has their own likes, dislikes, needs, wants, desires, goals, etc. If you are going to compromise who you are to have someone, you are going to lose yourself, who you are, and when things get rough (and they WILL get rough) those differences, those things about YOU that you gave up, compromised on, are going to be the spears jabbed at each other.
Finding someone that you are compatible with from the start keeps each person from losing who they are, from compromising, and lets people get through the rough times easier.
Compatability stemming from love sounds like an exhausting way to live.
Being compatible with your partner shouldn't require work.
One of the largest components of compatibility are shared morals or goals. They don't have to be 100% perfectly alligned, just mostly in allignment. Like, why are you dating? If the eventual outcome is marriage and kids and you both agree on that then good, you have at least one shared goal. However, it can't be just one person doing this, but both chipping in towards a shared, desired outcome.
@@mgass1354 I agree with you. On a fundamental level you are who you are and someone who is strongly opposed to how you live your life is most likely not going to be a good partner.
Us humans, however, are extremely complicated and weird creatures. There are things that you are not going to like about your partner, much like they are going to dislike things about you. Hell, when we look at ourselves we don't even like everything we see about ourselves. That's why we are constantly trying to better ourselves, be it through learning a skill, working out, being more thoughtful, etc.
So I mean compromise in a sense of looking at the other person, seeing their imperfections/idiosyncrasies and acknowledging that those are things you are willing to work with.
In my opinion, though you might think differently, perfection as an inherent value in love doesn't exist. Us humans are to complicated for that. Of course I don't mean that you should excuse everything your partner does that you find wrong. I'm not saying that you should filter yourself away just to keep the relationship going. I'm just saying that it's a conversation. a middle ground between the people in the relationship. and if we're talking about compromise, perhaps a change in who you are (habits, hobbies, ...) doesn't always have to be negative. It can broaden horizons, but that can be a very slippery slope and to be seen on a case to case basis.
Of course everything I wrote here is assuming that all parties involved can talk about it in a civil manner.
My problem is that my city has way too many women who are tanks, and rest who aren’t tanks are too busy trying to catch the eye of the extremely wealthy healers.
lmfao
Lmao I got 75% of the way through this before realising you were making a metaphor and not just using "tanks" as a mean way of referring to significantly overweight people. 😅
There's something I wish people were way better at being than they are, and it's just being honest. About everything. At least, from what I can gather from how society's developed from the comfort of home.
I have ASD, Asbergers to be exact. Common trait here is being incredibly honest and taking things at face value. Reading forum threads of people explaining their problems with the world, a lot of it comes down to "why can't people just say what they mean instead of what's implied". If you tell me to do something, I'll go do that something, but I'm gonna be confused if you get annoyed that I didn't do the other thing that was implied, but I was never told about.
Trouble is, dating has an entire language of nothing but those kinds of implications. 😣
women will say men are bad at communication but then expect you to read their minds. it doesnt get any easier as a non-autistic person, they legitimately think you should be telepathic.
It's Aspergers, not Asbergers. FYI
Never in my life have I seen someone with legitimate Asperger's spell their own condition incorrectly. That's like the opposite of what I'd expect them to do.
@@itsgonnabeanaurfromme Shush, the Asbergers shall take over the world!!! WOOOOOOOOOOO
i saw a clip where they said that teenage boys where terrified to even approach a girl, and one of them in it said "good, they should be terrified, i love that they feel terror" and im just like "wtf, this woman should not be allowed to walk around with that fucking attitude"
But women do walk around afraid of men all the time... for a long time we've just had to live with it and expect the worst. I think maybe that girl was exercising some power she never felt before even if that was only made up.
@@thetiredcynic The difference is men dont want women to feel terrified. If women want that, its a personality problem and a huge red flag
Her mindset is pretty common nowadays but that was shocking when it first came out.
@@thetiredcynic The vast majority of women obviously do not. We would have a substantially different society if they did, and it'd be a worse one for women.
@thetiredcynic I understand. But we live in terrible times. Guys are afraid of girls, and girls are afraid of guys. Or both sides hide the fear through arrogance. No sympathy, no love. No open-minded attitude to know another soul, or to have nice fun. With this red pill nowadays, I have the impression that in the USA, guys and girls are at war. The world is full of fear and hatred. And we were meant to feel joy and love.
Tate was never a "role model", hes a scapegoat for the messed up way our society sidesteps mens issues and treats us like nothing we say matters unless its to uncritically praise someone who hates us.
@@JumboCod91 Differentiating between cause and symptome is a lost skill these days.
Yep, so tired of the slander.
@@JumboCod91 Even then, do you people ACTUALLY even listen to what Tate says? Because you clearly don't.
He was, just not for you
I feared learning to drive a car. But when I went for it, I went all in and I couldn't handle it and I failed that way as well. I'm 33 and I don't even have a car. I've never had a job. I've never dated. I can't afford anything. I don't even have any friends in life. I think I was afraid of achieving things so I decided to give up and whenever I'd feel like trying again, I'd try too hard and I'd fail that way too.
I've been sitting in a small, dark room, my entire adult life. I don't like it anymore, at all. You'd think if someone hated it that much, they would immediately go and do something else.
But I have nothing else. And I never have had anything myself.
There are many people like me. I hope I find the way soon.
A close friend of mine has three sons age 23,22 and 20. They are all pretty good people. Decently stable respectful jobs, I've worked with them in the past, they really are just solid normal dudes. They are ALL virgins who have never had girlfriends. Obviously this is anecdotal, but I really think something is going on.
could just be the "people want to put that sort of stuff off til their 30s in this economy" sort of thing in action.
@@RAFMnBgaming this exactly. like im 24, ive been in a relationship from when i was about 17-19, and ive wanted to be in another as i desire the companionship they provide. thing is, ive realized since then, that even though i want to be in a relationship again, i dont think i should bother until im in my 30s or so. not only am i not in the best situation financially meaning i cant support someone myself, but i feel like im not mature enough which combined create a surefire bad situation. i think by the time im around 30, ill be able to find more mature people as well, and overall itll probably be a better time for me and whoever i happen to be interested in. essentially what i mean is out of respect for whoever may give me the time of day, i should be able to support them in the way they may want to support me.
@@chandlerstlouis8110 Did that in my 20s. Grind to be able to provide for a family. But I got 100% rejection rate. Fast forward, now at 36, I see my friends that are in 40s divorced. Then watched what those tiktok girls. God no... Now I have no motivation to even look for a date. I like my peace, and my video games.
But along the way I fully paid my house. And the savings and investments that's supposedly to provide for a family, now turned into my retirement funds. Which is nice, because I have enough to retire already.
Nope, they're probably invisible to women.@@RAFMnBgaming
But do they want to even date ? Im in my thirties, single, virgin. Im bi, I do feel romantic and sexual attraction, but Im also completely uninterested in dating either sex. Not because I hold negatove views over either, I just prefer my celibacy. I did have boy/girlfriends but the last one was over a decade ago.
More content like this please! Josh is very well spoken with tremendous amounts of wisdom
It's refreshing listening to logic, keep making these. The topic you touch on doesn't really matter, your ability to articulate and reason is satisfying enough to listen to.
the topic dont matter, like wealth or health. who care about dating! its super easy!
7 foot 300iq billionaire. super easy !
who need to care about dating its so easy lol, its not a topic that matter at all its too easy.
@@XeLUA-cam What?
That's great. I've been following the "plays" channel for a long time and stumbled upon this on accident. As a teacher and a person over 30 - this is information many young people should hear. Kudos
This dude is wise. Wish I'd heard and acted on this ten years ago.
Don't worry friend, imagine how shit it'd be if you didn't hear this for another 10 years!
are you sure you would have accepted it as criticism to yourself 10 years ago though? dw about it lol worry about today
19:30 yeah I get that, but in a 'they dont know positive encouragement' way, yeah sure theyl say 'no thats wrong or no dont do it that way do it this way' but they never say something like 'you did good son, or im proud of you. they focus on the 'you did it wrong part' and completely miss the 'ok what have we learned and can we do it better if we do this instead.'
During my youth I basically believed in "treat others how you wish to be treated" and I'll be honest, I wished someone had been nice to me. I get the feeling that many other guys are falling in the same trap of becoming the person they needed, which isn't what anyone else needs.
"Intelligence is knowing tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad." is one of the most profound pieces of truth ever written in a twitch chat.
I just realized that a salad of tomatoes and cucumbers is a fruit salad, and I'm not comfortable with this information.
Eh, not a fan of that saying. First off, intelligence doesn't just encompass memorization of facts. Second, "fruit" is both a culinary classification and a botanical one. A tomato is a fruit botanically, but not culinarily.
@@robertbeisert3315 My recent uncomfortable discovery was that tomatoes and cucumbers are an unhelathy mix of ingredients, and you should avoid making a salad using both of them
@@EmperorZ19 I find that saying is a convenient “gamification” of the difference between two things that often get conflated. Basically like a DnD style explanation for why Wizards use INT and why Priests use WIS. Whereas real life is a bit more nuanced than this. Wisdom I find is often the practical application of lessons learned from past experiences as they are used to inform new ones. Someone who fails to do this and who repeats mistakes is often thought of as a fool, and we call them (or rather their decisions “stupid.”) But we also call someone who doesn’t know many things stupid as well. The difference is calling the person stupid versus the decision itself stupid owing to a lack of wisdom, or intelligence.
After all, the ancient Greeks in particular had many, many, many different kinds of wisdom. Like gnomic wisdom derived from an audience’s emotional response to a moralia. So I don’t think there really is as straightforward a definition as the initial analogy implies.
IDK you can make it work with enough reckless abandon.
My wife loves country music, I hate country music. It's the greatest struggle of our lifetime but we make it work.
Sounds like the plot of a good country song
People who say control your women basically see other people as property which is some of the most apelike thinking humanity is capable of
Ah yes, my two moods:
30 seconds sex joke
30 minutes philosophical introspection
No in-between
@twerkingbollocks6661I like my sex jokes the same way I like the act. Takes a while, usually involves breathing difficulty and smack talk, and involves some twists and turns
@@Calebgoblin dps:deep penetration per second,im sry😅
@@bardinlegoret9552 that would be dpps 🤓
@@Loctorak 🤓
I'm almost 38 and this video was incredibly insightful. It truly does shine through that you've been a teacher. Wonderful stuff, thank you for having taken the time to answer that question in such a serious and thorough manner.
I work with kids and run several NFP youth groups. I have noticed that kids these days are very pressured into having the right 'stuff' and that if you are not interested in the right thing then you are cast out INSTANTLY. I have seen many kids rufuse to play with a potential new friend because of their skins in games. Moreover Josh is bang on about the aversion they have to new things. I have seen kids pick up a brush to paint an orc in warhammer, it doesn't look amazing within a few minutes and they give up because they are 'bad'. I think a lot of people are conditioned today to think that winning is a moral good and losing is a moral failure which has poisoned everything including dating.
When Josh said the article name at 10:11 my ears perked up because that is the very article which helped me change from an insufferable Andrew Tate-esque teenager to the me right now who genuinely feels better about myself. The first exercise in that article always gets me and it's an easy way to remind myself not to get stuck in the mindset of "the world owes me". Try listing your achievements, not good traits, but genuine achievements (i.e. I am first place in a math competition, or I won a ranked game solo ten times in a row), if this task is hard for you, then you need to read the article.
What's the article? I came to the comments to find it
@@heidithomson6813 It’s on cracked, my reply got auto deleted, but just google “Cracked 6 Harsh Truths” you’ll find it. The pen name of the author is David Wong.
I don't know if it's just that dating has moved into the digital space so much, but no matter the age of the people I chat or try to chat with, they all seem to follow the current generations trends. It's hard to explain and English isn't my first language, so maybe this sounds strange.
Thinking of my parents, being the post war generation, there was always this 'just make it work' mentality, untill there was finally the divorce and scorched earth as far as you could see. But even in the relationship with other partners that followed, it was always keeping up appearences, don't talk about the falling out from last night, just get to work.
Myself being an early Millennial, but started dating only as a young adult, it was pretty much just the talkshow mentality at that time. A 'let's talk about it' all the time. Being madly in love for a few weeks, spending time over a few months and having the talk a bit later, realising that the life goals were so far apart that it just wouldn't make sense, because one or the other would be miserable pretty much all of the time.
And now I find myself in the dating world again, early 40s, and the atmosphere has changed so dramaticly. It's mostly just about sex, where you get blocked instantly if you don't agree within a minute that their specific fetish is the best and you're into it. And mind you, that's on the same platforms that I used a good 20 years ago. Just there isn't a community any more.
So yeah, that's my experience in a nutshell, from 'work, don't think', over 'let's talk about everything', up to 'I just can't right now...'. Cross your fingers I'll find a more fitting platform, or that single events will be en vogue sometime soon again.
The make it work mentality kinda resulted in a lot of unhappy relationships though. My parents made it work but they weren't really truly happy, they just made it work, mostly because they had to. Societal pressure at the time kinda dictated it. If you go back farther to my grandparents age, most women were unhappy and plenty were being domestically abused to the point where it was just accepted as something that happens. Personally i think being hypersensitive to red flags and blocking and ghosting a few good people is better than a terrible marriage.
@@MySimDied do you think women are happier now with their current choices? Every indication is to the contrary
@@LadislausMarguspa Far happier. My nan loved a sailor and was forced to marry an alcoholic. My mom wanted to travel and got stuck in a relationship where they just argued most their life. I have a lovely career and lovely friends and will settle down if i meet someone i want to settle down with and not before. You have to remember the main reason we have feminism is because men acted badly.
Butterflies in your stomach are a terribly weak basis for a committed relationship because those are inherently fleeting and often timely.
Dating online is mostly a losing game. Most women do not date online to begin with, and as there are more men, there is more competition for any individual woman. Dating apps are also structurally designed to create a small number of men with harems and a bunch of literal losers; it is a zero-sum-ish gacha game that favors the privileged.
Unfortunately, it has bled over somewhat into offline culture, though less than you might imagine. Figure out where to find the sort of people you want to get into a relationship with.
@@MySimDied I think both situations are quite toxic and, overall, pretty shit to be honest. Like Josh said, people are scared. They’re scared that they’re one bad person away from their life getting ruined.
An additional note about kids being afraid to fail, most parents are also afraid of their kids failing because they've been taught that if you mess up in school, the period of time you are supposed to fail in, then you are screwed for life. This is fundamentaly untrue.
its like having a steam account with 100 good games , you have so many good choices that you cant pick one and even when you start playing one you dont enjoy it as much because you are thinking about how much fun you could be having if you were playing that other game , so you end up starting a lot of games and never finishing any of them
hey that one is perfect, least for women in the dating market.
@@JewTube001 In my experience as a guy, it's quite applicable to both. Don't confuse women having a 100 interested men as having a 100 good prospects. I look at it this way. If you're on a dating app as a guy and you get 5 matches, you actually have 5 decent shots. If you are a woman with 100 matches... you're not really any closer to finding a match than you were before you started swiping.
@@B-... You're assuming those matches are good prospects and not just bots / trying to sell you their instagram.
Shoutout to YotsuyaNight in the twitch chat: "The problem with IRL is that its harder to reroll if your build sucks."
I do disagree with some of what you say. Lot of good stuff, but not all of it is worth taking to heart. Sometimes I want to be the tank, and I wish somebody would accommodate that. Support builds are good, but at times, I (or you, as the case may be) need to be the one that gets buffed. I can't go around buffing everybody else all the time and get nothing in return.
You got to lean into your strengths.
@@seifer447 mastrubation!
Outside of echoing the comment above me (leaning in on your strengths, to feel good about yourself and be who you are, not what you may want to force yourself to be), if, to use the analogy in the video, you're a support bard and your party doesn't appreciate you for that, then you're not in a party that's complementary to you. I feel like I carry nothing of value to the table but my friends are still happy to spend time with me, and I do nothing else short of being myself and keep on improving on that while acknowledging my shortcomings out loud. I feel like, as a fellow support bard, that's the best thing (or "buff", if you prefer) I can ask for. If I want more, nothing is stopping me from asking it. The same could work for you.
That said I do agree it sucks that we can't "reroll" who we are.
I've always met girls at parties, I have never been on a date in my life. This has become an issue as I am getting older because I don't really go to parties anymore and I have no idea how to date. TBH I find the whole Idea of dating to be exceptionally cringe.
perhaps try not to judge things you yourself hasn't ever tried, really actually experienced? Helped me a lot
It is. Bring back courting and actually romantic things.
Dating is feminine shit. They have too much control on how things work nowadays.
And then they can still reject you. Or are they not allowed? @@asdergold1
@@asdergold1 Bro wtf 💀
@@asdergold1 Never went from "Hell yeah" to "What in the world" so fast while reading a comment, until today.
Explaining romance to gamers: "So imagine you've found a cool ice sword-"
EDIT: ok as this metaphor goes on it's becoming less mildly funny and more insightful
Dating advice in MMO terms:
Emotional charlatans - "You need to be a DPS!"
Josh - "You might need to be a Healer"
Also Josh - "I think, I'm a bard"
Me - "I think, I'm playing checkers"
10:57 This works the other way around too I find. It's easy to berate ourselves for doing The Right Thing only reluctantly, and then look as someone else doing it and assume they never had those selfish thoughts you had.
I'm not going to lie to you and tell you that I'm going to watch your streams, because I am more interested in playing games, rather than watching people play games. That being said, these streams do seem really interesting and thought-provoking. As someone who just recently picked up PoE, I like to fantasize that I'll be as eloquent as you while playing it. 😂
I think one of my favorite quotes pertaining to failure "it is possible to commit no mistakes and still lose, that is not a weakness that is life"
Reminding us sometimes stuff just happens, but being able to pick up and move forward afterwards is the important part.
I'm terrified of failing, my parents didn't coddle me and protect me from it though, they punished me, reminded me I'm pathetic and a failure constantly because of it. Now the concept of failure is paralyzing and I do not repeat attempting something if I fail. Also makes me very very depressed if I do fail
Visa, a half hour of video is not a "clip." That said, I love and appreciate all the hard work you do.
I feel that people who think they deserve a better partner tend to not look inward and notice all the flaws they themselves have
Nah, the meta has changed. The whole partners thing is antiquated. Same as how in games you no longer need friends/guilds you can just queue up and play with randoms.
I think that the casualization and commodification of relationships due to a perceived fear of not "moving-up"/"trading" and the ENORMOUS economic stress that being in a relationship can have.
I think so many people see "red flag" and they think that can lead to more problematic behaviors down the road. But sometimes they can as you said just sit down and talk it out. The path of least resistance is easy and rather than work it out. It's easier to find another (so they think).
Unfortunately, if you see a red flag and don't run because you want to give the benefit of the doubt, you get blamed and told you deserved what happened because you were stupid, and you believe it too. Some of the most awful situations I ever got myself into were from trying to "talk through" red flag behaviour and not leaving before things got dangerous
@@samb5963 You're talking about several tries. I'm talking about the first step, which most people won't even try.
The part on failure is interesting to me. I failed a lot in school because I was always put in the "best student" groups (in my country, there was a thing called Leistungsgruppe. There were 3 levels, 1 being best and 3 being worst) and was in over my head. My parents were very adamant about me being there (though I only learned this way after the fact; I thought I was actually that good). So I knew failure. I experienced it constantly, especially in math where I had to study WAY more in advance to not fail. Didn't make it any easier to deal with, because the berating from teachers, being called lazy by my father and generally always being in the stress of almost-failure was way more damaging in the long run. I learned to fear failure from failure, if I had to put it succinctly.
There are so many facets to these types of topics. It's super interesting, but it also makes it quite difficult to talk about in front of a large audience like Josh's here.
I turned 30 this past year and I’m incredibly happy to have been married for 7 years this past December.
I have NO idea what I’d do if I had to date again right now, IT LOOKS ABYSMAL out there right now.
Same as you man, it was already awful 7 years ago... but now from what i hear it's gotten even worse
Same. My wife and I agreed that we work harder at our relationship due to how horrifying dating seems to us now.
after 30 it gets worse, much worse, especially if you are looking to find someone of substance....after a while you start realizing all the decent people are already taken and you're left with someone else's leftovers
Many of us are just giving up. I'm not bothering finding and then dealing with girls my age. I'm gonna focus on becoming a firefighter, move out to a small town and commute to work and forget anyone but me exists.
From a mid thirties person who has never found love, thinking it'll one day happen but never has, who accepted the cruel lie of "it'll happen when you least expected it", I'm incredibly envious
Thanks Visa for editing this together and exposing the discussion to the UA-cam audience
The best description of the dating culture today is the following: "Girls wait for first move from guys. Guys afraid of first move to avoid harassment accusations." and "Marriage is a trap for a man since he takes all the risks and carries all the consequences of the divorce."
well, yeah. we had a multi-year long public awareness campaign telling men we're predators for trying to initiate romance, and we listened. They told us men need to do better, and we did. the men kept getting better and the women kept getting worse. the roles have reversed, now we're the ones who are disgusted by our options.
We all have feminism to thank.
Skill issue I never get accused of harassment. you're just doing something wrong lmao
@@necoji4910 its not about what you do, its about what you look like. congrats dude, that means you're attractive. Im happy for you, even though you have all the sincerity of someone who was born into wealth but calls homeless people lazy.
Curious as to how many of you have experienced false allegations. Because it seems to be a crutch for guys who would be rejected if they asked.
Mark Manson said it best: "dont break up over something that hasn't happened yet. If you don't like them anymore thats OK but don't break up because you're afraid of your future together"
-for those wondering the opposite of the question haha
0:07 well, as recently divorced guy, my way of dealing with it - more exercises, new hobby (miniature painting) and more contact with people in general
Working out and transforming your body is the best way to self improve. It makes you feel and look great and that you're taking control of your life.
The "Intention doesn't matter when looking at others." is something I tried to lay down over the years and I feel like I got that very well at this point. It took long but at this point I always question someone's thoughts behind their actions, their intentions. Makes it lot's easier to "judge" people, even tho that might not be up to me. But like that I could already make *a lot* of friends with people that I otherwise wouldn't have deemed right as a friend. Which is a plus to me.
I was not exactly coddled but failure was treated as a end all be all especially when i was a kid.
Just imagine where every action has to be right and when it does not meet their standards then they will bring the hammer down and smite you.
Wow, incredible thread there in the second half referencing 'failure' becoming a scary monster for young students. I think in retrospect I struggled a lot with that in school and I have since graduated from uni, but I still have anxiety around failure which actually slows me down and stops me from being as great as I could be.
From my beach chair, where I've spent all my time reading instead of swimming, I look at the pool, think it looks like a lot of fun, but I also don't like any of my apparent options.
In the deep end you have adults practicing their high dives and butterfly strokes, but all I've got is my theorycrafting, and as you pointed out, I question my ability to just float. I could put on some arm floaties and step into the shallow end which better matches my comfort/experience level, but then I'm hanging with the kids, wearing arm floaties, and trying to chat up one of the adults at the other end.
Mole hill? Probably. I still can't see over it though, because the toughest person to live with is myself, and I guess this beach chair isn't too-too bad. Pool still looks fun though.
I’ve been told several times that “I’m the right guy at the wrong time” and that certainly poisoned me for a long time because I was tired of hearing it. Dating is brutal, but highly rewarding but right now I’m just tired of those excuses
That works when both partners have the ability to think.
But sometimes, breakups aren't logical. They just feel to breakup.
…and sometimes in PoE it just doesn’t work, even when everything tells you it should
A big problem with the "failure" section at around 20 minutes, is that most exposure kids can have to failing is at school, and usually it's not seen as an opportunity by the students OR the teachers, or the school itself, as a way to understand where you need to improve. Instead failing a test or what have you, typically condemns you as being stupid or unteachable.
It's also a sad carry on for people not understanding the "There's no stupid question" saying. They're afraid of asking a question and being called dumb for not knowing things, when in reality we should praise people for admitting they don't know something. People are confidently wrong all the time, and it makes us worse as a community. Admitting you don't have all the answers is the first step to collectively being better.
22:40 its like replacing your broken engine all the time, instead of realizing you havent been changing your oil
"Our skill/talent build were not synergistic."
our raiding party was unbalanced.
Related to 17:00 with a different analogy: Buying running shoes doesn't make you a runner.
Being a runner doesn't require being fast, or going particular distances, or specific shoes (though they help). It requires running, even slowly for brief periods.
Man, you literally went through all the conversations me and my group had over the past few years. A lot of the same things were said, but you put in in much simpler and more handsome terms.
I actually sent an ultimatum to my group and we are going to watch this together over the weekend.
Thank you for being an awesome human, Josh.
What a great talk! Wish more people that need it could hear. I've been scouring the internet for something like this far too long, avoiding the manosphere like potholes.
I don't think it's entirely disingenuous to say that your failures _as well as your successes_ are often down to being in the right place, with the right people, at the right time. Luck, basically. Whether it's dating or career or whatever. You can put in all the effort and still fail, and I can see how people could build resentment that way. It's understandable why some would make the logical leap that you need to make your own luck and manipulate things to work in your favor, and some people even _do_ find success that way. These Andrew Tate-types are bad role models for people who want to be good co-op players, but the sad thing is they can be effective if you want to make your life as a ganker.
So far ive found that i'm too messed up to be a co-op player but not messed up enough to be a ganker. I can only really blame how alone i am on myself as anyone that I'm friends with i end up pushing away after about a year or so. I also just have a long built up trauma with women, as most of the time most of the bullying, mocking or manipulation i've suffered has been from women. Everyone asks me why i don't have a girlfriend, and i tell them i don't want one. Sure i have loneliness, but that's mostly from hormones and not so much a personal desire. Having a partner would be nice, but so would having a million dollars. Both are just as unlikely to happen without severe drawbacks.
@@PatrickRatman "Sure i have loneliness, but that's mostly from hormones" .. get a sexdoll or something :D
Or .. look for friends with benefits
@@PatrickRatman Yeah that's real. I suspect this will be relatable to more people here than just me lol.
If you have trauma with women, are you sure that "I don't want a girlfriend" isn't just deeply seated avoidance cope?
In part, yes. You can set up your probability of being in the right place at the right time and with the right people, though, and while success often requires some level of fortune, getting that fortune often requires some proactive pursuit on your end.
@@NevisYsbryd Certainly the amount of fortune available or within reach of someone definitely depends on their circumstances, which itself is a bit luck based.
So at the end of the day while yeah we can kinda do something about something sometimes, occasionally the universe just points at someone and is like "get fucked scrub".
Dude mentioning that article actually made me feel nostalgia, that was so long ago
I'm sorry it's not going to work out. I'm working on an Ice build and your a flaming hot sword. You don't compliment my build.
It's not you, it's me.
Nah, he's wrong at 25:50. There's some people who can't handle messy rooms, and some people who it doesn't really affect them.
If you're the former, it creates a lot of stress (either anger, anxiety, or otherwise depending on who you are) when you a long-term cohabitating with someone who leaves a mess and doesn't see the issue.
You say you can talk it out but in my experience, that doesn't work. I think it's on the same level of someone who doesn't care about sex as much with a person who does. It's going to fuck up the vibe between the people.
Better to split, before rings are exchanged.
2:31 yep you hit the jackpot reason for break ups, attractiveness two people may work perfectly together like butter and honey, but if they are not attracted to each other they will not want to be together, what I have figured out that each person needs something quite specific in a relationship, and if it is not present in the current relationship said person will feel that something is missing even if there is nothing wrong in the relationship, and that's what is scary when someone else offers the thing that is missing in your relationship you now are faced with the moral dilemma of choosing between your current relationship that is going smoothly and the thing that is most important for you in a relationship, but is lacking in your current relationship, well that's of course if you are aware of what is most important for you in a relationship, even subconscious awareness is better compared to no awareness at all. well consciously ignoring your subconscious awareness is not good either... sorry that's the best way I can explain it...
11:19 intentions not always match actions, also trying to figure out someone's intentions solely on their actions leads to a lot of assumptions and this is rarely a good thing...
11:30 intentions does matter a lot in court... just saying...
16:24 yes it is quite easy to be said in words, but do realize how much of creativity, luck and preparation must be used in order to achieve such conditions...
19:24 also there is another point to be made on this topic, why waste time improving your weak points when you can put this effort into improving your strong points... well of course there comes a moment where improving your strong points starts getting diminishing returns and improving your weak points starts to look a lot more attractive...
20:02 it's not the failure that weighs so much, after all if it was that, no one would play games like Dark Souls it's when other's start comparing you to someone that is successful that's when failure starts to get you down, funny thing about this comparison... you do not know how many times the guy you are being compared to failed before he became successful...
20:42 objection that depends on ones imagination...
It's interesting that MMOs and dating have evolved the same way. Queue up, flex any achievements/ranking that you have hoping you get an invite, try a run or 2 then ghost and go next.