The self-help industry is lying. Here's what's really possible.
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- Опубліковано 30 тра 2024
- Life's hard, our outcomes are constrained by circumstance, and some days are going to suck.
But here's what anyone can do to change their lives.
Timestamps:
0:00 Intro
1:15 Life under constraint.
5:14 Why most self-help content lies to you.
9:30 What's actually possible? The "normal neurotic."
13:20 How our brains make this hard.
19:33 What most people can learn to do.
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Who Am I: I'm Forrest, the co-author of Resilient (amzn.to/3iXLerD) and host of the Being Well Podcast (apple.co/38ufGG0). I'm making videos focused on simplifying psychology, mental health, and personal growth.
You can follow me here:
🎤 apple.co/38ufGG0
🌍 www.forresthanson.com
📸 / f.hanson
Along the same idea, being told that you could never be the person you were before your trauma happened, was also liberating. You can have different degrees of healing, but you are changed. I spent a lot of time trying to fix myself instead of learning to relate to myself and my relationship to the world in a new way as a changed person. My experience of the world was permanently altered, I had to accept that.
I started to cry reading your comment because it made sense of things i have been sensing in my emotional landscape. Your words and sentiments express EXACTLY what I have been feeling but have been unable to verbally articulate.
Kind of liberating, kind of sad. I still feel like there are still parts of me that were completely unaltered by my trauma though--like my ability to feel love and joy. I don't believe that the trauma changed ALL of me from who I would have been.
@@andrear1336 that's super hopeful for many. The more people that can share that love and joy that you still have, the happier and healthier others will be in our community as a whole.
@@powerliftingpremedcrafter473 you've been through hard things which means you can do hard things. I'm thankful for places like this because we can know that if our paths might look different, we aren't alone in our experiences. I wish you the best on your journey.
True, trauma has forever changed me. No longer am I trusting, no longer do I feel reflexive empathy, no longer do I put anyone else's feelings & needs before mine 😔😔
The wisdom here is right on. I was born in 1952. Until the mid 80’s most people had reasonable aspirations for themselves and for their lives.
Yes, there were the famous people, the masters at something or another, the virtuosos. But most of us aspired to be basically good people, content, productive, comfortable, reasonably engaged with the wider community. My God! Now if we aren’t as rich as Elon Musk, don’t have millions of followers, haven’t raised ten children and published 15 books, in addition to teaching law and running for higher office, well, we’re nobody. It’s making people psychotic. Thanks Forrest. This is an important message.
Yes, I was born the same year. I won't go into all the reasons that I feel profoundly validated by this video and its message. I know that in the past I have been judged because I believe in "Good enough". My instinct for self preservation and being raised in a hardworking but extremely humble family, I have and still am happy with what so many others take for granted. I am the opposite of lustful. I like it that way. I see the price that others pay for their particular fixations. My struggle is with discernment with being too self sacrificing. Working on it.
this memory is so vague that it's spotty, so forgive me: i was reading dear abby sometime in the '80's or early '90's and a reader wanted to share that while her father wasn't some super-hero high powered attorney, rock star or chief of thoracic surgery at mt. sinai hospital, he was, in fact, a hard-working family man who loved his kids, created a stable home environment and didn't ask the universe for anything other than simple grace. "what on earth is (the question was posed) wrong with that? he IS my hero." the letter resonated with me til this day...
@@helenready1310 Now that I am 70, I have had time to look at the past more holistically, from a bird's eye view. The generation that were our parents went through the war and more hardship than I can write about. Each generation has their limitations and greatly affect the next. Studies show that society is more narcissistic and grandiosity is rampant. I am appreciating, as harsh as it was for me, my parents had a stability of tradition and family, that did not exist with so many traumatized people.
I'm in my 30's and I can somehow relate to what you say, I grew up in the 90s and felt world more simple somehow people trying to say because you was a child but deep down I felt no because people were more vocused on clearer goals, I think the prosperity that boomed back then created high expectations more options and bad economy later so people now back to financial struggles with no chance to appreciate what they actually could have if great illusions wasn't lurking in their back head
@@mammi3577 Very true!
There's a Calvin and Hobbes comic episode where Calvin asks Hobbes what he'd wish for if he could have anything he wanted. Hobbes says "a sandwich", and Calvin goes ballistic about his lack of imagination. Meanwhile Hobbes fixes up a sandwich for himself, eats it, and says "well, at least I got my wish."
This video took me back to the moment I first read that comic. I love the idea of liking our experiences more and turning from wanting to liking. Maybe it's ignored because it's so simple and accessible and doesn't make for good marketing copy. Thanks for making this video.
This is my first comment ever on UA-cam but I just needed to say that this is a very valuable video. And you’ve shown so much courage by getting off the marketing trap of overpromising that get people obsessing over perfecting themselves and their experience. This is the sort of candid realism that, while not being as attractive/marketable, can truly help people. So thank you. It also highlights the importance of addressing the societal issues such as poverty that limit the wellbeing that an overwhelming number of people can experience.
I also wanted to add, and I hope you appreciate it, that this is exactly what we need. So much of the world is still very much caught up on achieving this idealised version of themselves and their lives. But once people can get off the endless road to perfection, and appreciate the privileges that they do enjoy, they can perhaps redirect their huge efforts on helping others rather than their own endless self-actualisation.
Well said!
Thank You so much for this Video. That's exactly what many people need to hear. So valuable 🎉
Exactly!! This is subtle, authentic, and profound. The wisdom we really need to move forward as a viable mature species...
Well said! I agree 100%.
Oh my… such an essential video. Such an essential message. Thank you so much for making this intelligible and freely accessible. Such a gift. I so wish my 20-year-old self, stuck in eating disorders and unending self-help books, could have seen this.
I really appreciate this.
Thank you for this validation, Forrest. Having been born into a family where abject neglect and abuse were a constant, I’ve struggled throughout adulthood to find my center and to fit myself into “normal” society. Your message essentially gives me permission to be the best version of myself that I can achieve and to let go of the unrealistic expectations and demands I and many others have placed on me. My brain and nervous system were altered by my genetics and upbringing, and while I have grown tremendously and will continue to evolve, I won’t ever be the version of myself that would have grown out of a safe and loving childhood. Accepting that gives me more space to breathe into what is...
You have achieved something remarkable given your circumstances. You have attained self compassion and self forgiveness. Very hard to do.
@@sammavitae114 Thank you--I continue to work on it, but positive words like yours were never spoken in my childhood, so they have great value now 🙏🏼
Thank you for giving words to my experience exactly. I have lived the last 25 years in the self help world and have achieved much while manufacturing more and more misery. It’s time to enjoy how far I have come rather than how far I still need to go! I am HERE! I actually was the child Forrest described and my magical thinking led me to believe that when I became “good” I would find a place within my family and be loved my my abusive and rejecting mother. Over the last three years I began to look within and change what I personally could not live at peace with. Living an authentic ethical (my ethics) life disarms those who wish to weaponize my guilt over my inability to function as though I did not suffer from CPTSD and AHHD.
@@SonyaSpencer-zu9kj Sonya--you ARE here! You’ve survived, and as Mary Oliver (who was also an abused child) said in Wild Geese, you do not have to be “good.” I’m putting the poem here for you, in case you don’t know it:
You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting -
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.
might want to check out dr eric berg.....soothing and healing nervous system....i find magnesium helps me to relax and get a better nights sleep....i am always on edge....find it hard to even remotely relax....i need as much help as i can get to function from day to day....hope you get some good help....dr alan mandell is also a great help to me.....
Thank you for calling out this cult-like magical thinking for what it is. I like how you make the comparison to kids with abusive parents and how they almost always blame themselves for the mistreatment they received. Society does do that exact same thing! We blame individuals unfairly and treat someone’s plight as a moral issue. In reality, it’s not an individual problem, it’s a collective problem that one person actually has a limited capacity to effect. It’s unfair to expect such outcomes from a single person. Thank you for explaining this phenomenon so people don’t feel bad for failing to accomplish the impossible, or at least the highly unlikely. Lol
What a great podcast you have and this is a very valuable video.❤
Read Gabor Mate: The. Myth of Normal.
Really appreciate you addressing poverty. I’ve been waiting like for some politicians to mention it! Little sarcasm there. I’m actually grateful for my poverty sometimes because it prevented me from investing in some of these methods. They can prey on more vulnerable populations. Recovery for me is trudging, slow and methodical. The learning to manage my nervous system-breathing to release that fight or flight has been a huge coping skill. Thanks for being such an insightful young man with a concern about the other. Gives me hope for a more humanitarian future. Enjoy your talks
"We're doom-scrolling our way through life." So good.
Forrest, you’ve got to write that book, ‘Becoming a normal neurotic’ 😊
This would make a brilliant TED talk.
Thanks for this video, I think it's a very important topic. My childhood was very challenging and traumatic and it has taken me until the age of 30 to really be in a stable position in my life. I am really only in my 30s beginning to create the life I really wanted because I had to exert so much effort to cope with my childhood and then gradually improve my circumstances in my 20s. I think that one of the issues for me in self improvement is the artificial timelines we are supposed to follow, rather than really understanding the baseline we started with and recognising that genuine progress takes a very long time.
I'm glad it works out for you. For me, I did everything by the books: different types of therapies, neurofeedback, yoga for trauma and mindfulness meditation just to end up collapsed, mentally ill, homeless and broke having lost everything. Be careful what therapist you choose if you go or are already in therapy. (I should have went to one specialized in C-PTSD, but then again it's not recognized by the DSM and there aren't many materials out there on C-PTSD compared to other disorders, nor are there many therapists specialized in C-PTSD).
30 is still very young! Great you are making progress now. I have learnt if you don’t work on it, it is never going to ‘heal’ the programming will stay with you for life if you don’t consciously try to do something about it.
@@alexandrugheorghe5610sorry to hear that. Have you made any progress? The best person for dealing with cptsd by far I’ve come across is Richard Grannon. He is on yt.
@@alexandrugheorghe5610 You said you've lost everything, ended up here? There's still time for things to get better and for you to find help that works for you. As long as you're alive, there's so much that could change.
This is excellent and important. I tend to ignore those self-help magical thinking people exactly BECAUSE they ignore real life constraints. Their help is rarely helpful.
Thank you for addressing these fundamental problems with the self help industry and describing it so well! Ive read many of these books and the raising your vibration levels to attract good fortune from the cosmos irritates me the most. There are fabulous approaches of course all to the good, and very worthy, but to acknowledge to oneself that personal development must operate within constraints of origin and life circumstances is so important. I've never heard anyone talk about this before. I'm blown away and want to say a big thank you! Needed this today😊
After a long life experience I think that the fact of seeing my own truth and confronting it has helped me a lot.Reazon to confess that I absolutely agree wt every world you said .What amazes is to hear it from such a young person! I Whished that every twenty something could assimilate this truths!
I also would add a grateful hearth for the small everyday miracles can bring you to the way of humility and aapreciation
ul
grateful
Ironically, it would not be false advertising to market the three skills you mentioned as a life-changing "secret" to a happier life. Certainly they've felt like that to me! : - D
1. Get better at liking
2. Relax around wanting
3. Develop coping skills
Yes succinctly described. Getting better at liking could be described as making deliberate selective attention to some not to miss positives (either internally or externally, however small). However, there could be a problem with this, as that would mean a risk to comparisons with the negative. However, I intend to listen again.
This resonates so much. I wrote about this a couple months ago:
"What doesn't kill you..."
What an inane, effacing truism, and an useless thing to say to someone hobbled by loss.
Maybe some traumas that don't kill a person, they leave them diminished in their capacity to be in the world.
Not all hurt can be transmogrified into meaning and resolve, into triumph of the human spirit.
Some wounds wear and waste the self, defy its resilience, rob it of possibility.
“The 40th percentile of the circumstance distribution.” WHOOOOOooooooo tawk yo sht Forrest! 🏆🎯
😂
Thank you. ❤ I’m very spiritual and it’s usually a good thing for me personally, but sometimes when my trauma takes over I can get really mean to myself and use it in a weaponized way where I hold my own feelings against myself. I’ve been in that place the last few days and needed to hear this. Appreciate your honesty, kindness, and integrity!
I think there is a time a place for the various self help people. I totally get what you are saying about the “buy my manifesting course” people but when I was a young adult, looking for inspiration, they helped. I bought things like Tony Robbins and “Laugh Your Way to Success” while listening to Mariah Carey’s “Make It Happen” CD. But none of it did any deep work. Still, it helped me remain on a positive path. Now, I think the Crappy Childhood Fairy, yourself, and Patrick Teahan are very helpful in my healing journey and I don’t expect revolutionary healing, but my goals to identify triggers and be more confident fundamentally, seem within reach. One thing Crappy CF said was that any healing will help me feel better than I do now, so I’m just looking for some. Thank you for being real and honest and helping so many of us sort out what all of this healing stuff is and is about because honestly, I am just now trying to wrap my head around it.
These are my 3 'go to' people, as well! (And the Canadian, Tim Fletcher).
Finally, this crazy life is making some sense to me.
Brilliant! More of this please. Would love to see a deeper dive into your three points, with specific strategies. How do we increase liking, decrease wanting? Coping mechanisms? These are vast topics and I think you can explore them over a whole series of videos. Thanks for your great work!
Agree. More please! ❤
It means so much to hear this. Your message is so honest and heartfelt - sensitive, thoughtful & grounded. A year or two ago, I attended a 4-day Sounds True webinar called "Loving, Knowing, Growing" with Tara Brach, Joseph Goldstein, and Rick Hanson. It was helpful and great. But what I recall most of all was a recommendation from Tara & Joseph that listeners all attend a few days' meditation retreat. I will never forget your father speaking up, and saying that while that's great if you can, many people don't have the financial resources or capability (may be a single parent with young kids etc) to attend an off-site retreat and that doesn't HAVE to be part of everyone's journey. I NEVER FORGOT IT.
I’m thanking the UA-cam algorithm for suggesting this video to me. I’ve been in therapy for a couple of years doing trauma work. I’ve consistently fallen for the track 2 promises, but I need track 1. Especially now as a stay at home mom, which has proven to easily be one of the biggest challenges I’ve faced in my life. I greatly appreciate the ideas shared here. I’d love more information about how to actually apply this to my life.
I love this realistic approach of findig more contentment in a normal stressed life.
It's nice to hear such a humble message of self-acceptance and practical skills. I'm not crazy with how morning routines, gurus, and influencers are preying on the insecurities of the masses, but I understand how they are successful. I like your idea of normal neuroticism and if anything the success of the life-coach space proves that everyone feels like they need to fix something even if they don't know what yet. I think it's important to know when and where to stop the 'fixing' process and it's personally helped me more to avoid that train of thought and being more gentle with my inner self.
Hey! This perspective is so valuable to share with your friends. Some people don’t have access to the entire spectrum of personal development but their efforts are valid and their potential for progress should be represented! Remember: Most people over estimated what can be done in a year and under estimate what they can achieve in a life time. So celebrate the practical track, and if it brings you joy, experiment in the woo woo. 💛🌀🍀
This right here is the very reason I love this channel. It’s the fact that you guys make it known that the process of self help/healing isn’t just a one way path to succeeding. Rather an ever branching tree that really doesn’t have an end to it, just a higher level than the previous branch. Through my life I have gotten better and better at coming to terms with the “normal neurotic” idea and that I’ll never be perfect but I can always improve in one way or another. So yeah this video really lays that idea out for others and I think it’ll be extremely helpful for them. Loved this, love the podcast, cheers to this, it’s very important that people know this concept💜
People like honesty and authenticity. You and Rick are two people I really like working with. I come back to you guys all the time. And other good realistic spaces like Tara Brach and Jack Kornfield. It is always so disappointing when someone I have enjoyed working with jumps on the magic cure bandwagon. And suddenly some course they offered for 300 is $1000! It is only aimed at wealthy people in the first world ! I live and work in SE Asia. Here people have very very real problems. They are never ever going to have access to that sort of rubbish. That is being kind 💕🙏 And as a foreigner on a appropriate to this part of the world salary (as opposed to what UNICEF workers get) my spare cash goes into helping with the small shifts you talk about, on a local level in a respectful and empowering manner. This podcast is possibly the most enlightened piece of insight for these times, that I have listened to.
Thank you! This is brilliant and so desperately needed! Everything you said is based in reality and is so reassuring. It's especially critical to hear that the human brain evolved to keep us looking for lunch and not being lunch! This will help so many people to feel better about being a normal human experiencing life as it is.
This is very good and refreshingly candid. Your podcasts bring me blinking into the light. You (and your dad) are delightful and insightful. It feels like I'm hanging out with smart funny friends and learning incredibly helpful skills at the same time. I wish I could share my veggie garden with you. Warm wishes from Greece!
To Sandra from Sandra (Sandi): i am with you sister, this is how I feel when I listen to these two lovely human beings. Warm greetings to you Sandra in Greece from this Sandra over in the states, California xx😊
@@sanditomlin2075 Hi Sandi in Cali, I'm glad you feel the same way! I think we found an oasis of wisdom and kindness here. I hope you have a very fine day.
I will listen to this several times. I love Prof Paul Gilberts work on compassion and he is always talking about the things we can't change, the way our brains are, where we were born etc. I sometimes get very frustrated by self help content makers especially when they completely ignore the vast numbers of people who can't even get enough to eat each day. Thank you for this very important and inspiring message.
Thank you - very REAL. As someone in her 60’s that started self/help as a teenager, you have nailed the unsexy simplicity of it. It’s the wanting that creates anxiety, weren’t we taught that trying hard gets us to that goal? My mind wants something, so in the absence of wanting, I will shift to the gentler liking.
In this medium, and in the mental health/ self help space, it’s easy to go down a rabbit hole and get caught up in it. The sentiment in this video is a helpful and reassuring reality check. Whether one knows better or not it’s still helpful to hear.
Hell ya! It’s so good to hear something “real”. I’ve spent way too much money and time striving to be Fantasy Tanya and not realizing the Today’s Tanya is enough as is. That basic “enoughness” allows me to work on my crap while also not setting impossible goals and then feeling “less than” when it falls through.
Before getting caught up in life's gymnastics, remember at the end of the day, it's all past tense in the making
Great talk! I have often gotten caught up in the belief that I’m doing something wrong and having unrealistic expectation after seeing others progress and move forward when I was still stuck in my trauma. I finally have seen how I am doing better than most who have similar adverse childhood experiences. Then I got clear about the basics which I attribute to mostly in the 1st track and have a great balance (and contentment) in my life. I still delve into the 2nd track but not with so much intensity. I so appreciate you describing the 2 tracks so clearly. I will definitely review this with some others in my life who are struggling and also continue to keep my wants in check.
Wow. I have no words. This knowledge is so powerful and I wish I could share it with everyone!
We are now in a world full of resources that’s so easily accessible but need to weed out the unhelpful information. This is the gold I’ve been looking for!
This is the most practical wisdom I've experienced on UA-cam. I appreciate the accessibility of these shifts in thinking, and these ideas offer me agency - more so than attempting to "Raise my vibration " to feel more content in life.
Forest, thank you for sharing your thoughts around our day and age self-help talk. The societal factors and constraints you include into your message open up the discussion to include all people, it is inclusive! Therapy IS expensive and not everyone can afford it, OR have access to it, via language barriers, limited insurance, time constraints. I appreciate your message of what we have control of in our day to day life, and that in and of itself especially for someone who struggles with just feeling good or content on a daily basis, I feel a sense of calm with what is achievable. We have a long ways to go with mental health support, but it is so great to have content which is thoughtful, all inclusive and innate within the human spirit.
Another big problem with therapy is that even if one pays it doesn't mean it will be useful.
Oh yes. It's such a balancing act - how much of this life is mine to control? What impact can one person have, even on their own life?
Forrest, I do think you’re on to something with the parallel between developmental trauma and the self-help magnet 'if only I try harder, I'll get what I need'.
However in those rare cases of developmental trauma where the child DOES realise its not their fault... what then?
Your own dad said he experienced this, and so have I.
I'm beginning to realise that this has been a huge driving force in me to want to change the world. The difficulty is that without addressing the unmet needs within, this pathway is no less unsustainable.
I'd love to hear your dad reflect more directly on how he navigated this.
Sobering, very practical, relevatory from someone who couldn't really afford a long term therapist and seeked most of their information on mental health improvement from this platform, thank you very much
Also a side note…..we are rich in spirit, meaning our histories and the emotional riches this has birthed us
My goodness! As someone who has experienced a generous serving of trauma, I now see that I no longer have to buy into the next latest and greatest self-help trend. There is no fitting this square peg into those round holes. Instead I can relax into what is and dial up my conscious enjoyment of positive experiences, while coping wisely with the negative experiences. This I can do! Thank you, Forrest, from the bottom of my heart for freeing me from following all of those “next great things” and for freeing up a lot of space on my bookshelves, as well.
thank you Forrest. I'd add instead of self-help or self-improvement, it may be better to orientate towards self acceptance and self actualisation. Remove any underlying assumption of being broken or needing fixing, which again easily drives the mind on another craving cycle.
"Life is not a problem to be solved but a reality to be experienced".
Well said! I'm carrying those words with me.
Wow, great points. Really helpful.
Hi Forrest, it’s great when you post your own content based on your extensive research (but not clinical experience, as you so often remind us). Your life experience and heavy dose of common sense and a sincere desire to truly help people has brought out this message. I think I’ve come to this a lot myself, but your clear articulation of it was very helpful. Do more of this.
Forest, from my ❤, thank you. I'm not overly sentimental, but I wanted to express how touching this discussion was (especially when you almost teared up talking about a child who takes on the "bad" role to survive) & it's inspiring to me, & makes me hopeful, how deeply you seek to understand & to validate those who grew up with different circumstances than you did.
While all the videos Ive seen here are interesting & illuminating,& often good for a laugh, this video made me feel a lot less alone in my struggles.
Your talent is incredible. Love the way you convey ideas,& see other's humanity...
pls dont ever stop lending your voice to the🌎, it's so badly needed. PS- just sayin, I would love to see more of your cool partner on your channel (I share her diagnoses)😊
Thank you for your candor. Thank you for a path that genuinely will help my quality of life. Profitable for you? Probably not. Increadibly helpful to me? Very much so. Thanks 😊
Very awesome video. I was doing so many deep dives into the self-help world and actually making some progress, but a lot of it is extremely co-dependent and judgmental. It's not all flowers and rainbows. And the self-blame if something negative happens to you, and the "good vibes only" ideology... it makes people controlling, egotistical, lack empathy or be able to compassionately relate to others struggling with the human experience. I had to study other paths, such as 12 step programs, Buddhism, etc. to try to make sense of what new agey self-help folks could not. As a black woman I kept running into sexism and racism and the only thing I needed to do to change systems in place for hundreds of years was to think positively. I got my head kicked in a lot and according to the "law of attraction", it was somehow my fault. Following self-help like a religion destroyed huge parts of my life I can never get back. I'm recovering from many of its lies. Thanks for the video.
This video is one of those that you can place above most others for the value it offers (as mentionned by so many people in the comment): the information, the realism, the spectrum, the passion, the will to really help... and it's explained in a very clear and organised manner. Your speech is also pleasant, varied, vivid and articulate.
Subscribed and I'll definitely watch more of your videos!
UA-cam randomly recommended me this video . I am really glad it did
Wow, you just covered a LOT of ground very skillfully. I’m impressed and grateful!
You’re absolutely right. I’m always hard on myself but my upbringing was terrible and my brain has all of the adhd symptoms. No family support. I have real limitations. But I don’t like to see myself as a victim so I go the other way, I think.
normal neurotic! Love that expression. Just what I have been aiming for, but didn’t know it had a name.😅 I have been very much aware in the last 4 years after a crash that focusing on the positive instead of the fears. Thank you Forrest. This podcast was great.
Well at least I feel comfort knowing I'm not doing it wrong. Perfectionism without an effective process is hell in a world where people would rather ignore your good qualities and hyperfocus on anything arbitrarily negative
THANK YOU!
Forrest, you hit the nail on the head!
Listening to your podcast is a pleasure and I’m grateful for the wisdom I hear in each episode.
So true! Take into account the individual’s experiences, conditioning circumstances, and genetics. No one size fits all when it comes to following a self improvement regime and the promised end result.
Imo, self
improvement gurus are mostly “improving”
their own pocketbooks!
I also take issue with those who believe that everyone should just pull themselves up by their bootstraps. This thinking lacks compassion and also doesn’t take into account the individuals circumstances, conditioning and experiences.
Thanks again for this insightful and thoughtful content.
Chris Hedges says "magical thinking" is a sign of the end of empire
This makes sense, it's self empowering and feels self compassionate rather than a constant struggle of pushing yourself too hard , in all the wrong places! Thank you. Appreciate your videos.
You forgot ageism...it's way more prevalent than any other cultural bias I've ever encountered. It inhibits medical treatment for starters, let alone every aspect of life less essential. It's taken several doctors to find one who didn't dismiss my education and self awareness because of my age and attempt to undermine any personal power - even when their diagnosis is wrong. It's literally life threatening. It's so insidious in anyone younger that they are entirely unconscious that they are doing it. We need you. This is the common sense we are all craving in the crazy dysfunctional environment we are navigating. I'd buy your book, just fyi...Thank you.
Wow. Being well? You mean I don't have to keep running on this wheel? Thank you for the breath of fresh air.
I absolutely resonate with everything that you’re saying. And I love your suggestions. We seem to be in a culture of over complicating things that are much more simple. You also highlight some of the issues with social media and how self-help has become big business. And that’s the reason we need discernment when dealing with these type of things. And you’re absolutely right about restraints that that occur due to many reasons. I would say keep speaking to this, because the right people will hear it that need to hear it like myself and others. I am I feel a true testament to what you’re saying. I have had restraints throughout my life that I prevented me from having opportunities that others have had or have. Some of that I also know, is perception, and how we view things. But we have to start somewhere getting to know ourselves, working on our resilience, and keeping it simple or a great place to start
I've been waiting for someone to say this. I've been hammering this stuff for a decade and the "sexy" self help shit just consistently gets traction. This is empirically true, intrinsically valuable, and practical, but unfortunately it's not sexy. Not nearly enough people are going to catch up with this.
Congratulations! Finally someone who is interested in realistic goals. Shooting too close to the ground? No - acknowledging hype and clicks over steps that can truly change one's outlook on life is the kind of honesty that is needed. Bravo 👏
This felt definitely relieving for me. It relieved some pressure to succeed and change everything and sounds more realistic to me.
I appreciate the honesty behind it.
Hey Forrest, Yes I totally agree. track 1 track 2, some people cant access track 2 due to certain constraints. I loved -; relax around wanting I think the oportunities / we miss them - distracted by external stresses. such as pain, grief, stress of one kind or another. small steps daily.
I've learned that sometimes "you" are the problem but that is ok, you don't know what you don't know and if you've never been shown certain methods or tools for overcoming something, then seeking support and education from the right source is our responsibility in the end. That means we have to admit that we need the support and then seek it from healthy sources, not some quick fix or bandaid solution or from the wrong ppl.
Also I despise the law of attraction. As someone who's survived certain things, I wasn't emitting some vibration asking for it.
💯 Well said Forrest. It's an important reminder that sometimes doing small things in the present (that are available/accessible) can produce big results.
This confirms all the lack of alignment that I feel in the self-help world. Thanks for breaking down reality & where we can go with it.
Hanging out in liking
relaxing around wanting
getting better at coping
~simple genius
My blood pressure lowered, LOL, when you defined the difference between want and like. A lot of the heaviness leaves me concentrating on my ‘likes’ instead of going into automatic-wants mode.
I appreciate the honesty here. Fulfillment is off the table for the overwhelming majority of us. Our lives are shit sandwiches we are forced to eat. Try to find a way to smile while we swallow it down. Small wonder so few of us want to settle for so little and keep buying snake oil.
Turning a mundane moment into Gold. It's such a powerful, gratifying experience to witness how willingly bringing another set of eyes to a moment can reveal a hidden treasure (and yes, its emotional, hard to put into words). The mystic Gurdjieff said: "A human being's highest possibilities are emotional". Thanks Forest, you are a King of Hearts!
THIS is one of your best videos. When I started doing these things, +2 became +8 (with practice).
I think the second point, relaxing from wanting, is the most important one. Because wanting blurs our mind all the time. Wanting makes us do things, we don't really like to do. Like the famous saying "We buy things we don't need with money we don't have to impress people we don't like". One good thing about getting older, in my opinion, is that one starts to care less. Care less about other people's unsolicited opinions, care less about making false compromises, care less about pretending stuff. And it is very liberating.
Relaxing wanting has been the big one for me too.
This is so refreshing. Certainly takes the pressure off from tgat negative voice making me feel wrong. Thank you 😊
Forrest, Beautifully expressed. Practical, hopeful, compassionate. Love this vid’s topic. Keep going, excellent work ❤️ All ways love, Sandi 😊
This was so empowering! And I do feel freed by it! Being bombarded with messages of “the perfect faultless life is out there and until you achieve it you are broken” is so exhausting to hear. Thank you:?
Your 3 goals are the basic steps to peace of mind. Im 70. I have a boatload of issues to heal. I have worked hard to silence the trauma brainwashing and embrace me. Its a daily workout. You are heard and appreciated.
I write poems to guide my heal. To all heres one.
“Kindness
Let’s not leave it behind us,
A simple smile could last a day
or for awhile it could stay.
We know not what each person’s story may be,
So let’s always be mindful to thoughtfulness so they will see,
Together we gather to share
Together we gather to care
Together we gather to heal
With all of our stories we trust to reveal
Listening to one another is the truest act of loving humanity,
And with an added smile we can bask in our new found sanity.”
Kimi (swanson)Minor
Extraordinary stuff. Really really useful. It is such a shame that it is so difficult to sell anything that isn't a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.
This was so grounded and realistic, not depressing at all.
Thank you for this... I'm literally the Queen of Self-Care... and yet, even with all the effort put in, my mental health isn't perfect. It is much better, but hardly perfect! Acceptance of my limitations, whilst also giving myself the space and self-compassion to do whatever I can manage today has really helped however.
Real.
Phew. This has just taken a huge weight off my shoulders.
I feel hearing this will now mean that I can make real, albeit small, steps that WILL improve how I feel and function.
Thankyou so very much Forest. You are a blessing pet. A plus 10 today =)
fine work. I don't think it is limiting: quite the opposite, it is about using the freedoms that are truly available to us, not chasing a fantasy of perfectability
I was sick from age 10-32. Developed depression and anxiety along the way and only got diagnosed with adhd at age 31. I never believed in spending thousands of dollars for self help courses because they looked like scams to me. The price of a book was the most I was willing and able to pay for. I still want to be high functioning and achieve my dreams but it feels so demoralising and discouraging at times.
Speaking truth to power, Forrest! I totally agree, and wonder if you'll get some pushback from those profit-seeking vendors of Unreality!
Bravo Forrest. Love this video. We just don't talk enough in this capitalist (I would argue oligarchical) society of the damage poverty (hunger, insecurity) does to individuals and families. I know you follow Gabor Mate's work and it's a similar idea. We blame individuals that come from some complex devastating beginnings for their normal perfectly understandable outcomes they have later in life. Thank you for addressing the underlying trauma that comes from this individualistic society and the charlatans that feed on it.
Thank you so much for this!
It may not sound glamorous, but the incremental small efforts are truly ripples in the pond. If we grow our capacity to notice and appreciate that, our entire perception of experience is altered. There is nothing outside of our direct experience anyways, no matter where we search. It may sound obvious, but we can still spend a lifetime searching. How loving of you to shed some
light on this, in your kind and thoughtful way 💕
Forrest, not only does this message resonate, you articulate it so well. Thank you for this.
... and so what are the coping skills? Sometimes it's the hope that things will change that gets us through the day and lives.
Wow, literally the right message at the right moment. I'm 54 and JUST began the work of examining the that happened in my childhood, seeing how it impacted my relationships and professional life, and attempting the seemingly impossible task of processing it so I can stop overreacting to every difficult person & bad situation (i.e. going from neurotic to normal)
The concept of aiming to slide up the scale a point or two, and just handling things a little bit better, is a huge revelation and a big weight off my shoulders. Thank you.
This was excellent! We're all just doing the best we can if what you're doing is helping you progress no matter what form that it takes, then that is enough. Thank you for your message.
I have reached normal neurotic phase. I hope to move on. I like it here, but I know there is more. AND thank you for making the goals achievable. Love your work.
The authenticity of this video/message is just so refreshing.
Thank you for being honest and real with your content! I first connected with your Dad years ago and have navigated the Foundations of Wellbeing program. The co-written book Resilient is on my well loved bookshelf. It has felt like a natural growth progression for me to follow you and the Being Well podcast too. I've loved the honoring of your father's work being blended, updated, highlighted, and freshly viewed with a youthful perspective. I thoroughly appreciate the focus on accessibility and have shared your content with my adult children.
Keep on keeping on, Forrest!🙏🏻💖😁
I've been in the self-help field, quietly for some 30 years. This is what kept me from even wanting to enter the self-help space publicly. What I teach people is long, slow and not too sexy. That's hard to present. At the same time, and this may be just my ego thing, I didn't want to be even remotely associated with the charlatans who promise miracles. It's like some goo you don't want stuck on you. And yet, just as you admitted, as a content creator, you get stuck in it. I start my courses with "I'd like to remind you that what we'll be discussing are first-world luxury problems." People laugh. Someone finally said it. So did you. Thanks for sharing.
In our culture, where making a living is so hard, parents are often too busy to help their kids with the big questions about "what can I reasonably expect of myself . . . and others?". We grow up never having a clue how to look after ourselves when we feel bad, as it is rarely modeled. Also, if you have a genetic trait (like HSP), then you need another owner's manual. As the Oracle of Delphi noted, you have to know yourself in order to honor whatever human experience your soul is having. Go for it, Forrest! 🌷
I wish I had never encountered any of the mainstream self-help content/books/ideas.
I also regret going to therapy. No matter what, I was never “trying hard enough” to make any significant change.
Now, I’m middle aged, profoundly lonely, terrified, anxious. I travel. I work. I have hobbies. I don’t have any goals or purpose or meaning. All the focus on self-inquiry and self-discovery and self-care and self-love - I feel like I’m trapped inside a glass bell that’s super thick and permanently attached to a countertop. I feel permanently trapped inside of myself and no amount of doing for others can get me out to fresh air. I used to scream and cry for help and that made the walls thicker. I hate it in here.
Now, I cope. I can be in the present moment and mostly content when I am out drinking with (for lack of a better word) friends.
When I can’t be around people and I’m not working, I have been working through a list of mundane things to get in order so I can self-terminate. After years of trying to get to a better headspace, I realized that I don’t want to be here for another few decades.
Thank you so much! This video really helps me with where I'm at right now. It helps me not feel like such a failure for being exhausted and unable to pursue some of my dreams/goals right now, and reminding me to look at all the great things I do have in my life and really take the time to enjoy and appreciate those instead of constantly wanting more.
This reminds me of a computer programming maxim. 'First, try the simplest thing that could possibly work.'
These days I tend to ask myself 'What's the very least thing I can do right now to make life better?' And then I go and do it.
I’m sold anyway, Forest. Keep up the good work. Your channel is extremely helpful. Thank you so very much! I appreciate your compassion and honesty. Say hi to Rick for me. Love and light.
The other problem we run into with the concept of individualistic self-help is that it ignores underlining social issues that can only be addressed through coalitional actions.
An individual can be a catalyst or a spark for social change but they can never be the social change.
I feel like I know Forrest and Dr Rick and this video made me feel like saying “I love you Forrest”. What a very strange world we live in.