Actually, cooked chicken bones are bad for angels. They shatter easily and can lodge in their throats, preventing the high chorus from singing His heavenly praises. Not to mention the vet bills...
Don't forget that God is a timeless being, so he might show up like a drunk uncle a month after the holidays. Be sure to prep your firstborn months in advance.
On boxing day I always go out to my local goat farmer and buy a goat, and for the following 363 days I take care of it, then on Christmas Eve I butcher it and leave the uncooked, bleeding meat out for God! He always leaves a note written in blood on my coffee table that says "THANK YOU" 🤗
I'm going to be that annoying Christian that misses the joke, but it's not about trying to "be good for goodness sake". The whole point is that humanity is pretty messed up, and doesn't need another person telling them "be good or else", they need someone to rescue them from themselves to transform them. Christmas is where the Being who created the Universe humbles Himself and enters the world He created to rescue anyone who turns to Him for help. It's actually a beautiful story - it's worth at least considering the evidence for whether or not it might be true. Merry Christmas :)
Instructions unclear. I accidentally left out a plate of nails, thorned holly branches, and lamb's blood in a cruel mockery of his son's crucifixion. I'm so embarrassed, I hope he's not mad.
This is just a shame, Onion. We all know plain as day that SANTA is the REASON for the SEASON. America has taken corporate manufactured joy out of what remains of its soul, and put in "God" in its place. Just sickening nowadays. Whenever I buy anything for my family at any time of year, I always need to wrap it up in a gift box and explain to them that Santa, in all his kindness and generosity, has graced us with his gifts. That this is what HE wants for us. Presents? Groceries? Toilet paper? In the gift box. Such a shame Santamas has fallen so far from its true meaning in the 2020's.
When I was little we left out my German Shepherd's dog biscuits for the reindeer, and sugar cookies for Santa. The shock one Christmas when the dog treats were gone and the cookies were still there. 😂
Makes sense. Not many people leave actual food for the reindeer, just water. They're hungry. And I'm sure Santa gets sick of cookies half way through the night.
I saw the thumbnail and was wondering where my algorithm went wrong.. reluctantly I clicked the video to hit do not recommend, then saw the channel where it all made sense lol
Two things: 1. She IS talking about Baal. That's the Canaanite god the small Jewish tribe stole and renamed. 2. He's a Storm god, not a sun god. If anything else, a war god. The Egyptians are the ones with a sun god
@@Suamere And obviously i believe you because you were there thousands of years ago when the Jews kidnapped God in their ford transit and forced him to change his identity.
That's surprising. I always thought God exclusively liked sheep. Both as followers and food. I always forget about the angles, but they actually prefer bone marrow broth and not just bones. But if you must, then burnt bones will do(2-10 Y.O.).
I would've suggested warm eggs, pickled fish, a steaming hot plate of clams and pouring out shot-for-shot, the finest, most expensive whiskey around, one for every dead saint until Santa visits you in your sleep to thank you for helping him and God deliver.
So happy to finally have confirmation that its GOD sneaking into my room and asking wild things of me. They kept saying they were very important and id better do what they say so i never hesitate.
Our family has always left out crows feet, alligator teeth, and a few opossum carcasses. Pa said these are some of the Lords favorite things from our neck of the woods.
The Roman Empire adopted Christianity in the 4th century. Although, even if the Romans were always the enemy of Christianity, the Romans don't have a trademark on lentils, and this wouldn't be ironic given that Christians have been eating lentils for thousands of years.
I personally leave out boxes of chocolate for satan, a lot of people don't like him I know, but his work of corrupting mortal minds is really inspirational!
The Onion will only ever make fun of religion so long that it is a white religion. They're not going to do a bit like this about Muslims or... god forbid.....
I’d rather leave something sweet, something to really show our appreciation, such as a photo realistic cake of the way God’s son died because we center around the death of his son for some reason.
On Christmas Eve always left a big glass of whiskey and mince pies for Santa and some carrots for the reindeer. It was obviously my dad who drank the whiskey and ate the pies 😂😂
the Onion actually came under new ownership earlier this year and the new stuff has been significantly better than the low effort shit posting from the last several years. Not all the new videos are winners, but I found some pretty good ones.
@@ImTheMexicanKinghopefully they won’t see their story “Fun toy banned because of three stupid dead kids” before they realise it’s a very serious and intellectual news organisation that is more popular than any other news company with 3.71 trillion monthly readers
Actually, cooked chicken bones are bad for angels. They shatter easily and can lodge in their throats, preventing the high chorus from singing His heavenly praises. Not to mention the vet bills...
It’s the onion bro, its all jokes
@@Somethingelse506 I agree. Silburific needs to stop spittin' dem facts.
Loved your angel/ dog/ reindeer comment. Happy holidays!
I think God pays his vet, he's probably doing it to stay out of hell 😅😅😅
But he can just make new angels?
It's tough shopping for the man that created everything.
The address of the kid down the road with leukaemia comes to mind
He's already got everything....
@@thenaturalmidsouth9536yet apparently needs our money
Nope, he didn't create everything. Anti slavery laws were created by mortal humans, his books promote slavery.
He didn’t create masturbation though. That was a creation of Lucifer. You can give God masturbation for Christmas!
When in doubt, god always appreciates the sacrifice of your firstborn.
Don't forget that God is a timeless being, so he might show up like a drunk uncle a month after the holidays. Be sure to prep your firstborn months in advance.
On boxing day I always go out to my local goat farmer and buy a goat, and for the following 363 days I take care of it, then on Christmas Eve I butcher it and leave the uncooked, bleeding meat out for God! He always leaves a note written in blood on my coffee table that says "THANK YOU" 🤗
Yes, best to store it in a deep, stand-alone freezer
Does it have to be mine? That would take too much time to set up.
😂😂😂😂👏👏👏👏
Yay she’s back , loved her simple One Pot, Six-Pan, 10-Wok, 25-Baking Sheet Dinner!
And when she degraded us because we couldn't make an omlette
Drywall muffins for kids with Pica was always my favorite recipe
Yea, used to be funny. Dunno when they lost the plot
@boscoalbertbaracus1362 lost the plot????? do you know what you're watching? this is the news, dangit!
Her jackfruit recipe always makes me feel like I'm back in Laos! =D
The crazily optimistic christian smile is on point.
😂😂😂
I initially thought it was real just because of that
The more crazy the smile, the less likely one is to be swept up with the eternally damned.
Yeah, can always count on the Chosenites at the onion to mock Christians
That and the crazy eyes
When I was growing up, we always left cat food out for Jesus on Christmas Eve. No idea where it came from, but everyone did it.
Is this real?
We step it up at our home and leave him a nice tin of tuna.
For the Angels 😇
Ok. Now it will keep me up all night wondering how my comment was so offensive it got deleted.
Good Christmas for the cat
The Onion is the gift that keeps on giving
Plus they now own Info Wars :>
Multi-layered gift
Sometimes when times are tough, the food we leave out for the reindeer we thin it with sawdust.
We left out the chicken manure we feed to the cows...
They don't know the difference
@TokaTola , So it's just like the grated Parmesan cheese from Kraft!
Sawdust is WAY better than the Taco Bell meat-gravel and Subway yoga mat bread. AND whatever factories leave in pet food.
I usually leave out coupons for all you can eat seafood
Jesus appreciates a good deal. Because, well, you know.
"He sees you when you're sleeping,
He knows when you're awake.
He can drag your soul down to fire-y hell,
so be good for God-ness sake." 🎶
ROFLMAO!!
I'm going to be that annoying Christian that misses the joke, but it's not about trying to "be good for goodness sake". The whole point is that humanity is pretty messed up, and doesn't need another person telling them "be good or else", they need someone to rescue them from themselves to transform them. Christmas is where the Being who created the Universe humbles Himself and enters the world He created to rescue anyone who turns to Him for help.
It's actually a beautiful story - it's worth at least considering the evidence for whether or not it might be true. Merry Christmas :)
@@aidanwansbrough7495. Congratulations. You just won the “Annoying Christian” of the week. Go bow at tRump’s feet, your new Jesus!
Bravo
@@aidanwansbrough7495 Amen
This is Laura Stuart Obenauf and she has her own UA-cam Channel.❤
Thx for the tip
I always love seeing the woman responsible for me going for therapy via cooking lessons giving more cooking tips.
Instructions unclear. I accidentally left out a plate of nails, thorned holly branches, and lamb's blood in a cruel mockery of his son's crucifixion. I'm so embarrassed, I hope he's not mad.
You're going straight down to the very bottom. All the way down. To the boiler room of Hades.
Nah, I think you NAILED the symbolism pretty well.
He’s always mad
@@ryanw1433 I disagree
Oh, my GOD, this is why ive experienced so much misfortune! I didnt know! 🙏🏾😭🙏🏾
THANK YOU 🙏🙏🙏🙏 for putting the GOD back in CHRISTMAS
I am sick and tired of fictional characters being crammed down our throats at Christmas. This is the season for Santa and Santa ONLY!
Santa ALWAYS left me gifts at Xmas. The other guy left squat.
This is the real war on Christmas!
Santaus
🤔Well, 'tis the season for sarcasm, too, methinks...🤭
@@jan_MasewinSo true 😔
This is just a shame, Onion.
We all know plain as day that SANTA is the REASON for the SEASON.
America has taken corporate manufactured joy out of what remains of its soul, and put in "God" in its place. Just sickening nowadays.
Whenever I buy anything for my family at any time of year, I always need to wrap it up in a gift box and explain to them that Santa, in all his kindness and generosity, has graced us with his gifts. That this is what HE wants for us. Presents? Groceries? Toilet paper?
In the gift box.
Such a shame Santamas has fallen so far from its true meaning in the 2020's.
Ikr?
Thanks, liberals.
Right on !
Keep christ out of Xmas !
God loves a good smoked brisket, a pleasing aroma rising up to the Lord
I was 11 or 12 years old when I finally learned that Jesus wasn’t real. It was Cthulhu that ate everything I left out
In his house in R'lyeh
Dead Cthulhu lies hungry.
Happens to everyone at some point
That is not dead which may eternal lie, and in strange aeons even death gets hungy for a little mid-aeon snack.
When I was little we left out my German Shepherd's dog biscuits for the reindeer, and sugar cookies for Santa. The shock one Christmas when the dog treats were gone and the cookies were still there. 😂
Makes sense. Not many people leave actual food for the reindeer, just water. They're hungry. And I'm sure Santa gets sick of cookies half way through the night.
I saw the thumbnail and was wondering where my algorithm went wrong..
reluctantly I clicked the video to hit do not recommend, then saw the channel where it all made sense lol
be careful not to upset them with an improper offering or the ground may open up and swallow you into sheol
This lady has great crazy eyes
Is it weird that it's kind of hot?
@@yahord Not at all!
@@yahord I’m right there with ya brother. Merry Christmas indeed!
I didn't even notice her EYES...😉🤣🤣
As a Pagan, tonight i get plastered in the name of Dionysus.
Praise be! 🎉 and enjoy your Saturnalia!
so disrespectful. not one word about what I can leave out for my sun deity Baal
Maybe Baal would like some fresh lemonade?
Two things: 1. She IS talking about Baal. That's the Canaanite god the small Jewish tribe stole and renamed. 2. He's a Storm god, not a sun god. If anything else, a war god. The Egyptians are the ones with a sun god
Much easier with Chaos God Khorne! You just spill blood, lots of it, HE doesn't care where the BLOOD came from just it's flowing!
@@Suamere And obviously i believe you because you were there thousands of years ago when the Jews kidnapped God in their ford transit and forced him to change his identity.
@@Suamere Jesus Jesus Jesus JEEEEEEEEEEESUSSSSSSS
I prefer to offer my youngest child, to show my appreciation for all the blessings and ensure a great harvest 🎉
I like to leave ancient, magic artifacts out for God along with some sardines with pretzels.
God is love...or else!
I left a handful of M&Ms for Jesus once. They ended up all over the floor!
Everyone knows Jesus can’t have m&ms 😂😂😂
That's surprising. I always thought God exclusively liked sheep. Both as followers and food. I always forget about the angles, but they actually prefer bone marrow broth and not just bones. But if you must, then burnt bones will do(2-10 Y.O.).
Makes a lot of sense why he wants everyone to "live forever" and go to "heaven" in the first place 😋🍴
Coached my boys: single malt whisky & homemade shortbread. Don't for get a carrot for reindeer!
Good boys
Dont forget a tall glass of the tears of Kids with Cancer. God cant get through a single night without that
JILLIAN HESS IS BACK OMFGGGG
For God, nothing less than a perfect one pot, six pan, 17 wok, 25 baking sheet dinner will do.
I genuinely can't tell if some of the comments are also being satirical or not, and I think that's really funny
God here. What I want is a bottle of jack daniels.
Reddit moment
I always left out 7 sheep carcusses. good to know what he actually likes.
Properly barbequed into a smoking heap of charcoal?.
Carcusses or carci? Asking for a friend.
I would've suggested warm eggs, pickled fish, a steaming hot plate of clams and pouring out shot-for-shot, the finest, most expensive whiskey around, one for every dead saint until Santa visits you in your sleep to thank you for helping him and God deliver.
Bones for his angels? That killed me! Too funny. 🤣
So happy to finally have confirmation that its GOD sneaking into my room and asking wild things of me. They kept saying they were very important and id better do what they say so i never hesitate.
I believe the Pope visited you
If God is everything, then Nothing is the only thing he doesn’t have.
BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD! SKULLS FOR THE SKULL THRONE!
She’s absolutely nailing the crazy eyes lmao, give her a raise
Don't forget stacks of cash
I thought guys like Joel Osteen had that part covered. Well, damn...
@@kellywalker1664 OUCH! Right in the Collection Plate!
Is that a tax deductible expense
Listen to your church leaders people, God wants your money. Even if it's your last penny give it to him, and by him they mean them
finally some wholesome American content
Why is the onion so on point every time???????????? They literally don't miss
Lord have mercy. We must stay focused, brothers. We MUST stay focused.
Turning on the TV in your Utah hotel room be like...
Amen to that. I approve this message.
I love this totally unhinged cooking show.
Damn, what's her name tho 👀
Laura Stuart Obenauf, on UA-cam and Instagram.❤
Her name is "Yes, Mistress!" Watch her omelette video on The Onion if you want to see her showing that side of her. :)
Sadly I only have frog legs and goat livers to offer.
This is The Onion I needed today.
Well I get a being with horns but a beautiful face and pure white wings and my crosses on my walls flip and fall through
Santan
Omg she's baaaaack 😲 ✨ 🧑🍳
Hopefully this is a sign 2025 brings back new episodes?!
Needs a follow up of "How to leave God out of Christmas"
love this actor so much, glad to see her back!
I’m so glad I clicked. Was worried I’d tainted my feed, but I was oh, so curious.
Our family has always left out crows feet, alligator teeth, and a few opossum carcasses. Pa said these are some of the Lords favorite things from our neck of the woods.
Don't know how I survived modern society before The Onion.
Love you Onion😂😂❤
There's some delicious irony in the fact that lentils were an essential food staple of the Roman army.
The Roman Empire adopted Christianity in the 4th century. Although, even if the Romans were always the enemy of Christianity, the Romans don't have a trademark on lentils, and this wouldn't be ironic given that Christians have been eating lentils for thousands of years.
She's back!! 😊
The perfect 1 pot, 6 pan, 10 wok, 25 baking sheet dinner
Ngl I thought one of the items was gonna be a baby
Angels are God’s pets… ofcourse!!
no more like his respected maids
This woman is a national treasure. First she's teaching us how to make an omelette, and now this.
Hey lady, try not eating it all before God has a chance
"What does God need with a starship?"
Dr. McCoy! What are you doing here of all places?
We always left out alcohol for Santa.
In this economy... im not leaving out anything for anyone.
so thankful we have the Onion this christmas
merry christmas everyone !
Some weed for god, because he was a chill enough guy to give it to us
Heck yeah bro 🍃
I almost clicked "don't recommend channel" because the thumbnail and title seemed like the product of a real christian channel.
God specifically told me last Christmas he's a raw vegan 🫤
Wings for the winged!
So peaceful ☺️
Wow this woman hasn't aged at all
I didn't know gd was struggling so bad these days.
I personally leave out boxes of chocolate for satan, a lot of people don't like him I know, but his work of corrupting mortal minds is really inspirational!
What God wants God keeps
Personal question real quick: What if you warship Satan?
Good Friday would be your major holiday.
What is the name of Satan's warship? The USS 666?
@@vanillatornado8390Thanks, just asking… for a friend
I leave out nachos and Jagermeister. 😈
He'd probably retaliate with fighter planes 😉
Which god was this again?
yaweh its the christan god
The Onion will only ever make fun of religion so long that it is a white religion. They're not going to do a bit like this about Muslims or... god forbid.....
I’d rather leave something sweet, something to really show our appreciation, such as a photo realistic cake of the way God’s son died because we center around the death of his son for some reason.
I have never had to look at someone's channel name before disliking and scrolling 😂 Thank Jesus it's TheOnion
I prefer the sticky trap method.
On Christmas Eve always left a big glass of whiskey and mince pies for Santa and some carrots for the reindeer. It was obviously my dad who drank the whiskey and ate the pies 😂😂
I always leave out god for Christmas. And other holidays, too!
One of my favorites on the Onion! More cooking videos please.
Excellent work. Yasher koach.
I leave out an offering plate with 10% of my earnings and a blood sacrifice for insurance. (Usually just a piece of raw lamb.)
Thank you Jebus
Happy Holidays, God!
"Cup of Joe to keep God going" is certainly a sentence
The sup from the cup that keeps God up.
If I could get God one thing, it would be the ability to forget.
"god" needs food...and MONEY!
All I know is that I want more dark fantasy in films. Give me Dark Souls the movie or something to that effect.
This is “old” Onion isn’t it? *sigh*I miss old Onion.
the Onion actually came under new ownership earlier this year and the new stuff has been significantly better than the low effort shit posting from the last several years. Not all the new videos are winners, but I found some pretty good ones.
I'm Mexican. I leave a tamale out for God.
Only one?
@@ClearGalaxies I'm broke fool.
@@ClearGalaxies if he wanted more he could just ask !!
Wait a minute, aren't offerings part of paganism and not Christianity? Hmm…
click on their channel, and then you'll understand.
Most of our holiday celebrations steal from Pagans, and even fall on Pagan holidays like solstices and equinoxes. They have the best parties! 😂
@@ImTheMexicanKinghopefully they won’t see their story “Fun toy banned because of three stupid dead kids” before they realise it’s a very serious and intellectual news organisation that is more popular than any other news company with 3.71 trillion monthly readers
Yeah but faith adapts depending on what is most profitable for the church 🙏
Hey, shut up and do as you're told.