I used to sayy all the time.... listen to yourself, you sound horrible, i stopped saying. They will say the same back and ping. Let them hear themself. Silence is powerful.
@@aygeem1764 i felt this so much. I’m happy to find people that relate to this. I just had to eventually stop responding to them. I felt like i was going crazy. They kept lying, insulting me, having me under constant surveillance. It just kept stressing me out.
Toxic people will never listen to nor understand your point of view because in their mind your wrong, your the problem, and they are always the victim. Talking with them, and trying to have a productive conversation is not going to happen. Believe me you are better off without them. Move on, and take care of yourself.
toxic are dangerous people, they know they are wrong but they push it on you, they think they are smarter than Anyone. leave and move on, they are toddler who never grew. arguing with them is a waste of time.
Thats the whole problem. You can set boundaries until the cows come home, but if not one person honors the boundaries, it is pointless, i know the bullies in my life have not stopped with boundaries set.
Be confident and assertive with that person. Stand your ground. Don't back down. Know you're dealing with someone toxic. Know they're trying to control you, which means they're weak, not you. Control your emotional state. Don't show you're bothered. They could smell fear/insecurity to prey on. Be the grown-up. Focus on HOW they're communicating, not WHAT they are saying. Don't try to convince them to see the truth or their toxic behavior. They'll never see your side. Just disengage. Focus on taking care of yourself, rather than getting hooked by their word salad/scramble.
This was my ex best_friend...she had a baby face and a very soft voice you would never tell how manipulative she was..it took months of denying my intuition and a near_death experience to know who she was
I've had to learn these skills in my relationships because I've attracted toxic people. Steph is right on with her advice. I've learned this stuff in therapy. If you struggle with this, please practice her tactics, you will be empowered as you do and it feels great. Thanks Steph !
We attract toxic people because we are healthy, open, friendly, nice - so they sniff this out. Their validation sense of persona and superiority relies on people who admire them and are afraid of them. We are perfect target because we have empathy, feel sorry for wounded people. They see us as weak, while in reality they are inferior and weak. They use temper tantrum and hysteria and drama to control us. That what Steph is talking in this video, that we recognize red flags and dissengage.
@@hankhill3417 Personally, I think we do not need any self help, no guidance, nothing - because there is absolutely nothing to fix. We are not problem. None, nada, absolutely nothing inside about us is wrong or pathological. The only and 1 and only problem are toxic people. As long as we label and pathologize our trait, persona or anything about us as "Too nice" we are letting narcissistic people to abuse us, to control us and that we crap fit to their bullshit, hysteria and their mental illness.
You are so right! Once I knew “who” I was and what I had to offer, my confidence level grew. I learned how to control my emotions and disengage from people who tried to “trigger” me.
Expressing anything to them is a total waste of time.....chaos will always bring an end to itself, identify your dealing with a clown, and never associate with them again, walk away and smile, meditation is key, sit down close eyes take no thought.
When I have to engage with a toxic person about a serious issue I lower my expectations for that person to a "0" and anything above that is a plus. Happy International Woman's day Stephanie, you've helped so many people!
Real recognize Real. If it quacks like a duck, walks like a duck and swims like a duck. It might be a duck. Be healthy and happy in yourself prepared to be with or without the other person. Trust your gut.
I was initially assertive with a toxic boss, but as I continued my boundaries weakened because he would adjust his behavior then become hypercritical the next day. It slowly broke me down. Had to leave.
I'm constantly disengaging. Almost distant and letting go. Seems so many people are gaslighters, getting last word, manipulators, fighters, etc. I can go months and years cutoff with them.
I was too easygoing, naive, accepting, empathetic, friendy and a bit of a meek person. I'm also a Highly sensitive man, and gets easily hurt and upset about things. I was made fun of for it, being a guy who cries, gets angry, happy etc. I was called all types of names.
"A guy who cries, gets angry, happy, etc."... that sounds realthy healthy to me! A wise person once told me we should be able to "play all the keys on the keyboard"-- i.e., have the full range of emotional expression :)
Being easy going, friendly and empathetic are good things they shouldn't be on your list. You can be assertive in certain situations and be all these things.💞
Oh sweetheart. I apologise for all of them. You are the unicorn of this ugly world. You are the tinker bell spreading magic we so much need. Empaths and HSP are just beautiful!
Wow. Confirmed exactly what came to me today. The toxic person in my life is a man I’ve been renting from, and things turned romantic which I should’ve avoided. I’m moving out this month, but I still have to deal with him regularly. I ended the romantic connection, but still have certain expectations on him that I shouldn’t. Yesterday he asked if I wanted to make dinner together, and he was going out with friends but would be back in a couple hours. I got all the stuff to make dinner and then was waiting til 8 when I decided I was going to cook for myself. I called, no answer, left a voicemail saying “let’s rain check for tomorrow night, hope you can still get yourself some food while you’re out.” Never heard back. Today I called and he picked up, I asked if he wanted to do dinner tonight, he said “maybe” and then went on to tell me last night he was out with his friends and one of them was feeding him a bunch of mushrooms (psychedelic), not to apologize for not getting back to me, but just telling me about it and laughing. I was like, “oh well then it’s good I made myself dinner instead of waiting for you.” And he just said, “yeah”. I obviously ended the romantic connection because this is not new behavior. He’s generally a very selfish and rude person. At first I looked past it because I had rose colored glasses on but when reality hit me, now all I see is how much of an asshole he is. And I mean it when I say he’s an asshole. We live in a small town and no one I’ve met likes him. He’s just got a terrible attitude and brings nothing to the table for anyone. I feel sorry for him as a 45 year old man. Anyways, I let all his little disrespects get to me and make me so angry. And I realized today - I’m angry because I have expectations of him. I just need to stop having expectations because he obviously can’t live up to any. drop the expectations and maintain my peace. Take him as he is - an asshole and nothing will surprise me. Oh, he’s being an asshole again? Yeah of course he is. Cool, I’ll go along with my day now!
The only toxic person I've had issues with was my ex husband. I lived with him and couldn't walk away..The trick with others IS to say your PIECE and WALK AWAY..with a family member..because they are constantly there ..it's resisting the urge to continue adding fuel to the fire...I worked with the public for 30 years and learned a technique....if a customer becomes irate and began screaming keep your voice calm and "agree with them "..." yes your probably right..I see what your saying... I understand " No one can argue when you agree..they will calm down so you can reason with them..if you raise your voice and argue...the war is over..and you've lost..
I got written up at work for being “defensive” when being assertive with my manager. I have anxiety and it was difficult to even stand up for myself (I struggled for years. I saw a therapist for awhile to work on my anxiety / assertiveness because I was so anxious and depressed as a teen )
I am always too nice and kind , and my inlaws are all toxic and an angry and egotistical family . It's sad. They all fight with each other. They have no boundaries . Even the distant cousins are mean, sarcastic, angry, and sick and toxic. It's an unheqlthy group of people that are empowered by being mean . Sad.
I’m not sure if it’s possible to be empowered by being mean, but I understand what you are saying. It’s like playing games with affection without realizing it, and if it is realized, they blame you.
This video has helped me realise that a friend I cherished that helped me through tough times in my life, is no longer a healthy person I can keep around me and I will sadly have to enforce boundaries around myself from her and distance myself. It started with me limiting what I said around her because of her judgement, the fact that she always had a way to rationalise and justify things when we both knew that was not the real reason that she did/ refused to do those things, her lying and stating that she did not mean what she said/ or did not say what she said when I confronted her about things and then the very last straw which Stephanie mentioned in the video: Her refusing to see my perspective or trying to understand my emotions and getting aggressive with me when I had valid reasons to act the way I did and had it not been for those reasons, I would've never done what I did in the first place. Granted I know what I did was wrong, however it was not fair for all the blame to have been directly put on me and neither was it okay for her to refuse to see my point of view and choose to invalidate me for the very reasons as to why I did what I did. It's hard you know. Visibly I could see she started to change in the way she dressed and now I can see mentally she has changed and for the purpose I want to achieve in my life, she will either have no place or take a back seat in the very far rear. I am upset, but I know it's for the best. I refuse to allow people to control me out of insecurity because the reality is that they're not happy with their own lives and when they see the small success/ efforts I make to achieve what I want in my life and how I refuse to let other's influence what I want out of life, they either try to make me feel bad/ try to control/ manipulate me in trying to live life their way because it's either 'their way or the high way'. I never understood why befriending like minded people was common and advised and there was not really a mention of befriending people different than you. I understand now, the stress I have had to put of with because people are unable to see my vision, is absolutely not worth it. I will never passively make friends ever again. I will only intentionally make friends from now on.
I can feel it, I can see it, and I have no idea how to deal with it! It’s so hard to almost disregard someone you love!! But I know I have to figure it out with help from people like you!! Thank you for all your help!!
This has helped me stay sane, I take a deep breath before answering, I don’t and I have never taken anything personally, but when I come across a toxic family member(90% from my spouse’s side). I try to see them as children, because if you ever listen to them (the narcissists) they sound like are trapped in a child-like mental state, and so I simply engage with them when I want to, and I don’t let anyone dim my light. They can throw stones, cast shadows, unnecessary shade because I never want to like them! Life is too short and spending energy on folks who don’t see an issue with their horrible behavior is something I am not willing to do. Thank you again Stephanie 😃🙏
We don't control who comes into our life or when! Sometimes nice people come into our lives sometimes toxic people come into our lives. We do get to choose who stays and for how long. Thinking that you attracted a toxic person puts you in a victim position. It's with dealing with toxic people that we learn self mastery.
You do have some (but not total) control over who enters your life. Making decisions in advance of whom to associate with will increase or decrease the probability of meeting toxic people. For instance, choosing to drink in a bar frequented by Hells Angels instead of going to a church social will likely yield different results.
👋 Stephanie, if no one has told you today already You girl, are amazing!! And anyone else who is trying to lift up and help other women Thank you for all that you do 🙌 👏
Thanks Stephanie late bloomers stand a chance out there. Late in life I'm confronted with these kinds a people really crossing the line. Let's me know the work in progress. We need people like you around. Thanks so much.
I really wish I'd of seen your channel during my relationship. I'm still very glad I found it. You're such an expert with what you discuss. My ex really ruined me as a person. My self-esteem is absolutely punctured because of her.
1:56 so that’s why people walked over me my whole life. started off with my stepdad & ever since then i’ve been a push over my whole time growing up. now im just angry everyday with narcissistic tendencies. im 18 now btw.
Watch videos, read and learn as much as you can about narcissist personality. You have to know your "ennemi" to know how you can deal with them. Narcissist push our buttons and make us look like the bad guy or the crazy one. The first thing abusers rob you of is your sense of humour. As soon as they have this, the next to go is your pride. If you can respond in a b*tchy, funny way that says “I don’t give a f* what you think of me” you’re not going to be a target. You also won’t alienate people. When they target you, even if you want to react, just make it a joke, show them you don't care it doesn't bother you (even if inside you are burning with rage)
Good stuff Stephanie, makes total sence.toxic people don't care about your feelings, so why should you care about there's. Keep at Stephanie, 👍 advise!
Thank you for this video. In 40 years I came to the conclusion that best way is not to react to rude mindless people, because you are consuming your precious energy and time, life is short anyway. So when it's a stupid remark I ignore it as if I would be deaf and if it's a directly addressed to me then I might laugh at that person and say ""Seriously???" That's it, it is their game, not mine, I shouldn't consume any energy on their stupid game. If it's someone I know, than I might have a confrontation, where I communicate how I see their behavior and how it impacts me !
Hi. I'm a male caregiver caring for an elderly man whom is toxic. I had become reactive around his churlish behavior. Your talks have helped. Thank you.
Hate the interruptive ads - love the tip to slow down interactions to respond and not react. Earlier, I got super triggered, trying to go to work. When I got there, the person had texted me about it. My thumbs went off on how wrong they’d been… but before I sent it, I cut and pasted into notes instead. I sent a shorter, neutral text. After a couple exchanges like this, the whole tone changed. They apologized and tried to smooth things over by like sucking up to me. They had no idea I ugly cried into my journal over the drama but I got it out and it helped so much not to react visibly to such a disagreeable person.
Self parenting is great help on the healing journey. Imagine a kid being abused and treated terribly, would not want you to stand up and defend that child?’ So why don’t you if that kid is you? Thank you for your help and support.
Really like all your videos. I am representing myself in court on Friday against my ex husband narc and it's the final hearing to decide child contact. Your videos have hugely helped me. Thank you.
In therapy, i found the power to finally become Assertive BUT, unwittingly went into aggressiveness sometimes! It took a while to find & stayf in the correct, gray area of dignified Assertiveness BETWEEN passive/aggressive & its still an ongoing effort for me. Im so glad i learned how even if its still difficult sometimes. I was deeply programmed to be a frightened DOORMAT in my family. 😮
Love this! Thanks to you and a community around me I am ready to assert myself calmly and authentically respond while holding on to myself! I know what I want and my worth and I won’t settle for less! Thank you for your work Stephanie!!!
Happy International Women's Day to you, Stephani, and all your community ❤️ Thank you so much. This video is exactly what I needed going on a business family trip with my inlaws. Everytime I get so anxious thinking or getting prepare on how no to react or what to answer because they're so toxic, but instead they say I'm to sensitive when I set boundaries or call them out their behavior 🙃 😔 especially my sisters inlaw they play games or do gaslighting on me, I ignore, ignore, then when I put my foot down they pretend or act like they are the victims and go running to their husband's. Thank you again, will listen to this video over & over bcz my brain is so slow to retain or think what to say since living with a Covert, Grandiose Narcissist for 28 years and dealing with his toxic family. 🤲🙏👭💪🥂🌺🌺🌺🌺
Bang on! thank you very much. She left when I started enforcing my boundaries. but only after the biggest blow up. I was so use to it that it didn't even bother me. I just feel bad for the kids..
My tendency is to either go off into that toxic loop with them or retreat into my shell. I like how you minimize it down to “just having a conversation.” We’re just “talking.” That demystifies it right there.
Wow! I can cry a river, I'm in a toxic relationship with a man who doesn't have my best interests at heart taking away my self respect says the most hurtful words but you letting me know how to understand him better
Stephanie, how is it that you keep getting prettier and more healthy looking over time? What do you eat, and drink, or juice,..and/or what exercise and prayer or meditation do you do? You are glowingly beautiful!! ♡
For me it's almost like a part of healthy living.. if I react instead of give the response I hoped to give; maybe because my emotions were bigger than I was in that moment.. I don't beat myself up anymore.. Lol. I simply keep getting better at learning how to respond even after I think I've "mastered" it..We're human beings we can forgive ourselves and move forward. Giving ourselves the same grace we extend to others.. Excellent vid. Thanks
My problem: I feel guilty for being assertive it feels mean even tho if others are mean to me it still makes me feel guilty being “mean” back !and these people get mad when you start standing up for yourself. My mom is like this (she bullied me badly before but now we are ok and still see each other) that’s why I grew up thinking I’m beneath others. And never knowing how to stand up for myself
Are you a mind reader Steph lol. I was just thinking about this 5 minutes ago, learning how to stand up for myself towards rude critics and toxic people. It's a work in progress, but im trying to get there. Thank you Steph, Happy Tuesday my friend
Just subscribed!🎉 After listening to How to Handle a Manipulative Person, then this one, it's what I needed to learn all my life! Thank you so very much!
Respected ma'am,you are a Professional Sister to your viewers who are tied up by professional Narcs from whom you release one's mind from their mindminefield. 🙏☺️
Currently stuck living under the same roof as my soon-to-be ex-boyfriend until I can get moved into my own place - so that’s fun. 😒 This is my 2nd time moving out in 10 years due to him triangulating with his adult narc children against me. As soon as I set a boundary and stuck with it, I was swiftly smeared, blamed, devalued and discarded. What was my boundary?… My mom was put in hospice and I needed to mitigate the risk of testing positive for COVID so I could be with her while she was on her deathbed. All I asked was that my bf visit with his 21 year-old, unvaccinated, son outside of our home, and he agreed. However, his adult daughter wore her dad down about her brother coming to the house (even though they had all just spent half the day hanging out at the beach together), and the next thing you know, the son, who is not careful about avoiding COVID, was at the house and my bf claimed he never agreed to visit with him elsewhere. I was expected to either pretend like there was no issue with him being there, stay in my room, or get a hotel. My bf then tried to accuse me of trying to prevent him from seeing his kids. 🤦🏼♀️ Now I’m persona non grata, but I’m done being emotionally and verbally abused by these narcissistic jackals and I’m putting them in my rear view mirror.
I had to leave people because I had autism & they used me for the longest time. I thought for the longest time I was manipulative or toxic maybe I was a bit but I am changing & growing but my friends always pressured me to drink smoke. Yes they did help but overall I felt like they always brought my confidence down when I was being confident around other people. I left them about 7 months ago deleted them now they want to be in my life funny how that works.
Wow, this is amazing. My ex-sister in aw is a master manipulator and has all my siblings, including her ex wrapped around her little finger. She jollies everyone along and stay at the center of attention. When I call bullshit on her opinions (that she states as facts) and her controlling actions I'm the bad guy!!! Mostly my mother and I stay away from her because she hoovers everyone in, relentlessly. It's soft, flattering, and highly persuasive manipulation, how do you tackle this? Her desire is to be the center of the family...even though she's divorced, and make our family hers!!!
Sometimes abuse comes from strangers in social life...my question is how to sometimes stand up for yourself when u are extremely Shy and have social phobia...Sometimes i just froze...and after that i feel ashamed about the way i react , but i can't help it ...
Disengage is the key, and letting them have the last word, let them hear themselves, don't respond , no emotions .
I recently did this to my now ex-best friend. I didn't even know abusive friendships existed...
I used to sayy all the time.... listen to yourself, you sound horrible, i stopped saying. They will say the same back and ping. Let them hear themself. Silence is powerful.
Having the last word is so hard for me,because he is always so in your face, I win sticking his tongue out at you. Burns me
👌
@@aygeem1764 i felt this so much. I’m happy to find people that relate to this. I just had to eventually stop responding to them. I felt like i was going crazy. They kept lying, insulting me, having me under constant surveillance. It just kept stressing me out.
Toxic people will never listen to nor understand your point of view because in their mind your wrong, your the problem, and they are always the victim. Talking with them, and trying to have a productive conversation is not going to happen. Believe me you are better off without them. Move on, and take care of yourself.
This comment should have come 6 months ago..but I'm still glad that it's here 😊. Great advice
toxic are dangerous people, they know they are wrong but they push it on you, they think they are smarter than Anyone. leave and move on, they are toddler who never grew. arguing with them is a waste of time.
I agree.
Not that easy if you are co parenting.
They cannot have a logical conversation and they have nothing useful to say so stop talking to them entirely.
Toxic People 101- Gaslighting, manipulation (guilt tripping, anger, shaming you...), not respecting your boundaries & standards
Thats the whole problem. You can set boundaries until the cows come home, but if not one person honors the boundaries, it is pointless, i know the bullies in my life have not stopped with boundaries set.
Be confident and assertive with that person. Stand your ground. Don't back down. Know you're dealing with someone toxic. Know they're trying to control you, which means they're weak, not you.
Control your emotional state. Don't show you're bothered. They could smell fear/insecurity to prey on. Be the grown-up.
Focus on HOW they're communicating, not WHAT they are saying. Don't try to convince them to see the truth or their toxic behavior. They'll never see your side. Just disengage. Focus on taking care of yourself, rather than getting hooked by their word salad/scramble.
Let them listen to themselves, don’t respond, don’t be overly emotional and be calm, know that the other person’s behavior has nothing to do with you
Toxic people can be so disguised. Use your intuition to clue in to when you’re being disrespected. Don’t be bullied! 💪🏼⚡️
So true!
This was my ex best_friend...she had a baby face and a very soft voice you would never tell how manipulative she was..it took months of denying my intuition and a near_death experience to know who she was
@@aygeem1764 Good lawd that was something to read! Shout out to you for trusting your intuition & for protecting yourself!
@@RonnieWisdom thanks dear. Healing is not for the weak 😩
Bullied and disrespected. Awful experience
This should be taught in school, seriously. At 36, finally learning this, could of saved me a lot of pain and suffering.
You're not alone I'm 35 and still learning this as well. It should be taught in school for sure.
I agree♡
39 - I don't think it should, because if the narcissists become wise to it, they would know how to beat it....
@@DEAN_23 Not exactly as they can't take no too long and need supply.
I agree
When I stopped reacting and started responding calmly, I began to see the troubled people in my life for what they are.
I've had to learn these skills in my relationships because I've attracted toxic people. Steph is right on with her advice. I've learned this stuff in therapy. If you struggle with this, please practice her tactics, you will be empowered as you do and it feels great. Thanks Steph !
We attract toxic people because we are healthy, open, friendly, nice - so they sniff this out. Their validation sense of persona and superiority relies on people who admire them and are afraid of them. We are perfect target because we have empathy, feel sorry for wounded people. They see us as weak, while in reality they are inferior and weak. They use temper tantrum and hysteria and drama to control us.
That what Steph is talking in this video, that we recognize red flags and dissengage.
Read book “ no more mister nice guy “ life changing for an empath people pleaser
@@hankhill3417 Personally, I think we do not need any self help, no guidance, nothing - because there is absolutely nothing to fix. We are not problem. None, nada, absolutely nothing inside about us is wrong or pathological.
The only and 1 and only problem are toxic people.
As long as we label and pathologize our trait, persona or anything about us as "Too nice" we are letting narcissistic people to abuse us, to control us and that we crap fit to their bullshit, hysteria and their mental illness.
You are so right! Once I knew “who” I was and what I had to offer, my confidence level grew. I learned how to control my emotions and disengage from people who tried to “trigger” me.
Boom!
Right on! Walk away.
💯 Yes, I experienced this same journey. I finally learned to disengage myself for the toxic person in my life. Life seems so much more peaceful.
Expressing anything to them is a total waste of time.....chaos will always bring an end to itself, identify your dealing with a clown, and never associate with them again, walk away and smile, meditation is key, sit down close eyes take no thought.
When I have to engage with a toxic person about a serious issue I lower my expectations for that person to a "0" and anything above that is a plus. Happy International Woman's day Stephanie, you've helped so many people!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
That's a good point.Prepare mentally to deal with toxic substance on two feet the rest is a surplus.👍
Real recognize Real. If it quacks like a duck, walks like a duck and swims like a duck. It might be a duck. Be healthy and happy in yourself prepared to be with or without the other person. Trust your gut.
I was initially assertive with a toxic boss, but as I continued my boundaries weakened because he would adjust his behavior then become hypercritical the next day. It slowly broke me down. Had to leave.
I'm constantly disengaging. Almost distant and letting go. Seems so many people are gaslighters, getting last word, manipulators, fighters, etc. I can go months and years cutoff with them.
I was too easygoing, naive, accepting, empathetic, friendy and a bit of a meek person. I'm also a Highly sensitive man, and gets easily hurt and upset about things. I was made fun of for it, being a guy who cries, gets angry, happy etc. I was called all types of names.
@Nfsman Never understood why good treatment of others gets toxic, negative behavior back...make it make SENSE!!!
"A guy who cries, gets angry, happy, etc."... that sounds realthy healthy to me! A wise person once told me we should be able to "play all the keys on the keyboard"-- i.e., have the full range of emotional expression :)
Being easy going, friendly and empathetic are good things they shouldn't be on your list. You can be assertive in certain situations and be all these things.💞
Oh sweetheart. I apologise for all of them. You are the unicorn of this ugly world. You are the tinker bell spreading magic we so much need.
Empaths and HSP are just beautiful!
@DivineStoryTeller that's what I was thinking also💜
Wow. Confirmed exactly what came to me today. The toxic person in my life is a man I’ve been renting from, and things turned romantic which I should’ve avoided. I’m moving out this month, but I still have to deal with him regularly. I ended the romantic connection, but still have certain expectations on him that I shouldn’t. Yesterday he asked if I wanted to make dinner together, and he was going out with friends but would be back in a couple hours. I got all the stuff to make dinner and then was waiting til 8 when I decided I was going to cook for myself. I called, no answer, left a voicemail saying “let’s rain check for tomorrow night, hope you can still get yourself some food while you’re out.” Never heard back. Today I called and he picked up, I asked if he wanted to do dinner tonight, he said “maybe” and then went on to tell me last night he was out with his friends and one of them was feeding him a bunch of mushrooms (psychedelic), not to apologize for not getting back to me, but just telling me about it and laughing. I was like, “oh well then it’s good I made myself dinner instead of waiting for you.” And he just said, “yeah”. I obviously ended the romantic connection because this is not new behavior. He’s generally a very selfish and rude person. At first I looked past it because I had rose colored glasses on but when reality hit me, now all I see is how much of an asshole he is. And I mean it when I say he’s an asshole. We live in a small town and no one I’ve met likes him. He’s just got a terrible attitude and brings nothing to the table for anyone. I feel sorry for him as a 45 year old man.
Anyways, I let all his little disrespects get to me and make me so angry. And I realized today - I’m angry because I have expectations of him. I just need to stop having expectations because he obviously can’t live up to any. drop the expectations and maintain my peace. Take him as he is - an asshole and nothing will surprise me. Oh, he’s being an asshole again? Yeah of course he is. Cool, I’ll go along with my day now!
Yes disengage
I used to feel so bad about being assertive but I had enough of being abusive, that I had no choice but to.
1. Be confident
2. Control your emotional state( emotional mature)
3. Enforce boundaries.
Thank you Steph, 😊.
Did I miss one? Let me know please!!!
BUt what do you do when you are being bullied? Doing these steps has not stopped the bullies, it has made them continue.
A friend told me there's a 24/24/24 rule. 24 seconds, 24 min, 24 hours. Wait through it is the idea.
When dealing with a toxic/narcissistic person try and remember DEEP. Don't.... Defend,Explain,Engage, Personalise
The only toxic person I've had issues with was my ex husband. I lived with him and couldn't walk away..The trick with others IS to say your PIECE and WALK AWAY..with a family member..because they are constantly there ..it's resisting the urge to continue adding fuel to the fire...I worked with the public for 30 years and learned a technique....if a customer becomes irate and began screaming keep your voice calm and "agree with them "..." yes your probably right..I see what your saying...
I understand " No one can argue when you agree..they will calm down so you can reason with them..if you raise your voice and argue...the war is over..and you've lost..
I got written up at work for being “defensive” when being assertive with my manager. I have anxiety and it was difficult to even stand up for myself (I struggled for years. I saw a therapist for awhile to work on my anxiety / assertiveness because I was so anxious and depressed as a teen )
I am always too nice and kind , and my inlaws are all toxic and an angry and egotistical family . It's sad. They all fight with each other. They have no boundaries . Even the distant cousins are mean, sarcastic, angry, and sick and toxic. It's an unheqlthy group of people that are empowered by being mean . Sad.
I’m not sure if it’s possible to be empowered by being mean, but I understand what you are saying. It’s like playing games with affection without realizing it, and if it is realized, they blame you.
@Noreen it's a toxic cycle!!
Toxic patterns in families seem to be contagious-always chasing DOMINANCE in a million different ways. It is a never-ending cycle. Protect yourself!
My in-laws were the same. I put up with so much from them and my husband. Sadly, after 27 yrs of marriage my husband left me for a women 1/2 his age.
This video has helped me realise that a friend I cherished that helped me through tough times in my life, is no longer a healthy person I can keep around me and I will sadly have to enforce boundaries around myself from her and distance myself.
It started with me limiting what I said around her because of her judgement, the fact that she always had a way to rationalise and justify things when we both knew that was not the real reason that she did/ refused to do those things, her lying and stating that she did not mean what she said/ or did not say what she said when I confronted her about things and then the very last straw which Stephanie mentioned in the video: Her refusing to see my perspective or trying to understand my emotions and getting aggressive with me when I had valid reasons to act the way I did and had it not been for those reasons, I would've never done what I did in the first place. Granted I know what I did was wrong, however it was not fair for all the blame to have been directly put on me and neither was it okay for her to refuse to see my point of view and choose to invalidate me for the very reasons as to why I did what I did.
It's hard you know. Visibly I could see she started to change in the way she dressed and now I can see mentally she has changed and for the purpose I want to achieve in my life, she will either have no place or take a back seat in the very far rear.
I am upset, but I know it's for the best. I refuse to allow people to control me out of insecurity because the reality is that they're not happy with their own lives and when they see the small success/ efforts I make to achieve what I want in my life and how I refuse to let other's influence what I want out of life, they either try to make me feel bad/ try to control/ manipulate me in trying to live life their way because it's either 'their way or the high way'.
I never understood why befriending like minded people was common and advised and there was not really a mention of befriending people different than you. I understand now, the stress I have had to put of with because people are unable to see my vision, is absolutely not worth it. I will never passively make friends ever again. I will only intentionally make friends from now on.
I like how you said, intentionally make friends from now on
I can feel it, I can see it, and I have no idea how to deal with it!
It’s so hard to almost disregard someone you love!! But I know I have to figure it out with help from people like you!! Thank you for all your help!!
This has helped me stay sane, I take a deep breath before answering, I don’t and I have never taken anything personally, but when I come across a toxic family member(90% from my spouse’s side). I try to see them as children, because if you ever listen to them (the narcissists) they sound like are trapped in a child-like mental state, and so I simply engage with them when I want to, and I don’t let anyone dim my light. They can throw stones, cast shadows, unnecessary shade because I never want to like them! Life is too short and spending energy on folks who don’t see an issue with their horrible behavior is something I am not willing to do.
Thank you again Stephanie 😃🙏
We don't control who comes into our life or when! Sometimes nice people come into our lives sometimes toxic people come into our lives. We do get to choose who stays and for how long. Thinking that you attracted a toxic person puts you in a victim position. It's with dealing with toxic people that we learn self mastery.
Good perspective, inspiring. I agree.
You do have some (but not total) control over who enters your life. Making decisions in advance of whom to associate with will increase or decrease the probability of meeting toxic people. For instance, choosing to drink in a bar frequented by Hells Angels instead of going to a church social will likely yield different results.
👋 Stephanie, if no one has told you today already
You girl, are amazing!!
And anyone else who is trying to lift up and help other women
Thank you for all that you do 🙌 👏
Thanks Stephanie late bloomers stand a chance out there. Late in life I'm confronted with these kinds a people really crossing the line. Let's me know the work in progress. We need people like you around. Thanks so much.
Really useful things to consider. Thank you!
I really wish I'd of seen your channel during my relationship. I'm still very glad I found it. You're such an expert with what you discuss. My ex really ruined me as a person. My self-esteem is absolutely punctured because of her.
1:56 so that’s why people walked over me my whole life. started off with my stepdad & ever since then i’ve been a push over my whole time growing up. now im just angry everyday with narcissistic tendencies. im 18 now btw.
Watch videos, read and learn as much as you can about narcissist personality.
You have to know your "ennemi" to know how you can deal with them.
Narcissist push our buttons and make us look like the bad guy or the crazy one.
The first thing abusers rob you of is your sense of humour. As soon as they have this, the next to go is your pride. If you can respond in a b*tchy, funny way that says “I don’t give a f* what you think of me” you’re not going to be a target. You also won’t alienate people.
When they target you, even if you want to react, just make it a joke, show them you don't care it doesn't bother you (even if inside you are burning with rage)
Do your best each day, then give yourself the time to learn and evolve, plus the space you need to recharge.
Hope you have a great future.
Thank you. I’ve gotta get rid of the what if scenarios. They get me spiraling. I’m healthier than I was, and there is more to come.
Good stuff Stephanie, makes total sence.toxic people don't care about your feelings, so why should you care about there's. Keep at Stephanie, 👍 advise!
Thank you for this video. In 40 years I came to the conclusion that best way is not to react to rude mindless people, because you are consuming your precious energy and time, life is short anyway. So when it's a stupid remark I ignore it as if I would be deaf and if it's a directly addressed to me then I might laugh at that person and say ""Seriously???" That's it, it is their game, not mine, I shouldn't consume any energy on their stupid game. If it's someone I know, than I might have a confrontation, where I communicate how I see their behavior and how it impacts me !
Hi. I'm a male caregiver caring for an elderly man whom is toxic. I had become reactive around his churlish behavior. Your talks have helped. Thank you.
Hate the interruptive ads - love the tip to slow down interactions to respond and not react.
Earlier, I got super triggered, trying to go to work. When I got there, the person had texted me about it.
My thumbs went off on how wrong they’d been… but before I sent it, I cut and pasted into notes instead.
I sent a shorter, neutral text. After a couple exchanges like this, the whole tone changed. They apologized and tried to smooth things over by like sucking up to me.
They had no idea I ugly cried into my journal over the drama but I got it out and it helped so much not to react visibly to such a disagreeable person.
Self parenting is great help on the healing journey. Imagine a kid being abused and treated terribly, would not want you to stand up and defend that child?’ So why don’t you if that kid is you? Thank you for your help and support.
Really like all your videos. I am representing myself in court on Friday against my ex husband narc and it's the final hearing to decide child contact. Your videos have hugely helped me. Thank you.
In therapy, i found the power to finally become Assertive BUT, unwittingly went into aggressiveness sometimes!
It took a while to find & stayf in the correct, gray area of dignified Assertiveness BETWEEN passive/aggressive & its still an ongoing effort for me. Im so glad i learned how even if its still difficult sometimes. I was deeply programmed to be a frightened DOORMAT in my family. 😮
Love this! Thanks to you and a community around me I am ready to assert myself calmly and authentically respond while holding on to myself! I know what I want and my worth and I won’t settle for less! Thank you for your work Stephanie!!!
You are so welcome!
The timing for this can only be attributed to the Universe! Thank you Stephanie!
Happy International Women's Day to you, Stephani, and all your community ❤️
Thank you so much. This video is exactly what I needed going on a business family trip with my inlaws.
Everytime I get so anxious thinking or getting prepare on how no to react or what to answer because they're so toxic, but instead they say I'm to sensitive when I set boundaries or call them out their behavior 🙃 😔 especially my sisters inlaw they play games or do gaslighting on me, I ignore, ignore, then when I put my foot down they pretend or act like they are the victims and go running to their husband's.
Thank you again, will listen to this video over & over bcz my brain is so slow to retain or think what to say since living with a Covert, Grandiose Narcissist for 28 years and dealing with his toxic family.
🤲🙏👭💪🥂🌺🌺🌺🌺
Bang on! thank you very much. She left when I started enforcing my boundaries. but only after the biggest blow up. I was so use to it that it didn't even bother me. I just feel bad for the kids..
My tendency is to either go off into that toxic loop with them or retreat into my shell. I like how you minimize it down to “just having a conversation.” We’re just “talking.” That demystifies it right there.
Powerful knowledge! Thank you! I was really able to hone in and learn this knowledge in the Workplace!
Wow! I can cry a river, I'm in a toxic relationship with a man who doesn't have my best interests at heart taking away my self respect says the most hurtful words but you letting me know how to understand him better
Can I talk with you more about that Leslie
@@abbdas22mohammed ok sure it's gonna take a miracle but for I'm just so 😔
@@lesliejones8552 ok
But are you married
❤❤❤❤ You save me daily, Dear One. Make copious notes and study, study, study. Virtual hugs 😊.
I can only encourage others to take this deep insight to heart. Specifically the bit on expectations is spot on.
Stephanie, how is it that you keep getting prettier and more healthy looking over time?
What do you eat, and drink, or juice,..and/or what exercise and prayer or meditation do you do? You are glowingly beautiful!! ♡
Your videos are a lifesaver!ur lagit making the world a better place 🙏💕
I'm so glad! Thank you for saying that!
💖💖 Thank you, I am learning.... And some people don't like the fact that I can see right through them...
I like the idea of pausing and thinking of what you will say when confronted with a toxic person. Great information!
I need to watch this, thanks for the tips
For me it's almost like a part of healthy living.. if I react instead of give the response I hoped to give; maybe because my emotions were bigger than I was in that moment.. I don't beat myself up anymore.. Lol. I simply keep getting better at learning how to respond even after I think I've "mastered" it..We're human beings we can forgive ourselves and move forward. Giving ourselves the same grace we extend to others.. Excellent vid. Thanks
I’m learning a lot from your videos keep teaching
Really needed this one. Thank you!
You combine wisdom with outer beauty in a compelling package
Your truly amazing!
Thank you so much Stephanie.
You were one of the people that saved my life year ago. Thank you for everything that you do.
Btw, IYou look beautiful and healthy!
My problem: I feel guilty for being assertive it feels mean even tho if others are mean to me it still makes me feel guilty being “mean” back !and these people get mad when you start standing up for yourself. My mom is like this (she bullied me badly before but now we are ok and still see each other) that’s why I grew up thinking I’m beneath others. And never knowing how to stand up for myself
Are you a mind reader Steph lol. I was just thinking about this 5 minutes ago, learning how to stand up for myself towards rude critics and toxic people. It's a work in progress, but im trying to get there. Thank you Steph, Happy Tuesday my friend
God bless you and your family and friends 🙏❤
Just subscribed!🎉 After listening to How to Handle a Manipulative Person, then this one, it's what I needed to learn all my life! Thank you so very much!
This video is on point. I need to practice everything you mention. Thank you.
Respected ma'am,you are a Professional Sister to your viewers who are tied up by professional Narcs from whom you release one's mind from their mindminefield. 🙏☺️
You are savior! When ever I am really low watching your videos will give me energy and yeah! I do implement them to an extent…
YOU ARE AMAZING ! YOUR VIDEOS ARE GREAT !
DEEP : don’t defend, don’t engage, don’t explain, don’t take it personal. Go gray rock 🪨.
I usually start singing a song under my breath to show that im not bothered nor interested in arguing. Usually ends the situation
7:25 most of the people in my life push me to my limit
I LOVE 💕 THE WAY YOU TEACH, THANK YOU SO VERY VERY MUCH FOR SHARING YOUR KINDNESS AND HONESTY AND WISDOM AND UNDERSTANDING!!!!!!!!!!
Currently stuck living under the same roof as my soon-to-be ex-boyfriend until I can get moved into my own place - so that’s fun. 😒
This is my 2nd time moving out in 10 years due to him triangulating with his adult narc children against me.
As soon as I set a boundary and stuck with it, I was swiftly smeared, blamed, devalued and discarded.
What was my boundary?… My mom was put in hospice and I needed to mitigate the risk of testing positive for COVID so I could be with her while she was on her deathbed. All I asked was that my bf visit with his 21 year-old, unvaccinated, son outside of our home, and he agreed. However, his adult daughter wore her dad down about her brother coming to the house (even though they had all just spent half the day hanging out at the beach together), and the next thing you know, the son, who is not careful about avoiding COVID, was at the house and my bf claimed he never agreed to visit with him elsewhere.
I was expected to either pretend like there was no issue with him being there, stay in my room, or get a hotel.
My bf then tried to accuse me of trying to prevent him from seeing his kids. 🤦🏼♀️
Now I’m persona non grata, but I’m done being emotionally and verbally abused by these narcissistic jackals and I’m putting them in my rear view mirror.
I had to leave people because I had autism & they used me for the longest time. I thought for the longest time I was manipulative or toxic maybe I was a bit but I am changing & growing but my friends always pressured me to drink smoke. Yes they did help but overall I felt like they always brought my confidence down when I was being confident around other people. I left them about 7 months ago deleted them now they want to be in my life funny how that works.
The less contact with them the better. It is no use to waste your energy and time with them. Concentrate on your own life.
Thank you ❣ That's mental martial arts - we need it for self defense 🥋 - Black belt 💪🤗😘👋
Thank you 😊 Thank you so so much ❤
Hi Steph. Thank you for the coaching!
I like your new style and as I always your videos are very useful.
Happy to hear that!
Thank you Stephanie for this video. Very helpful for me 😊💖🙏.
Daljit Virdi,You are beautiful 😍,Hope you are not with a narcissist…
you help me in my toughest moments
I love your videos! They are so helpful! Keep up the good work Stephanie!
I love your videos!
Thank you for a great video.
I love your videos, very helpful content. Thank you so much. You're a gift to your audience. Please keep up the good work you’re doing.
Very much needed today..thank you Stephanie..you are a life saver !!!
Thank you
Just walk away, come back cool calm and collective and start over respectfully. Set boundaries with disrespect
Thank you very much Stephanie for what you do! It is greatly appreciated!
validate your self
There’s nothing worse than marrying a narcissistic and his entire narcissistic family but!!!! You know who can change their ❤?? Jesus can! 💕💕💕💕
Thank you my dear. ❤️
Wow, this is amazing. My ex-sister in aw is a master manipulator and has all my siblings, including her ex wrapped around her little finger. She jollies everyone along and stay at the center of attention. When I call bullshit on her opinions (that she states as facts) and her controlling actions I'm the bad guy!!! Mostly my mother and I stay away from her because she hoovers everyone in, relentlessly. It's soft, flattering, and highly persuasive manipulation, how do you tackle this? Her desire is to be the center of the family...even though she's divorced, and make our family hers!!!
In my opinion, you are the most attractive woman alive.❤️
Sometimes abuse comes from strangers in social life...my question is how to sometimes stand up for yourself when u are extremely Shy and have social phobia...Sometimes i just froze...and after that i feel ashamed about the way i react , but i can't help it ...
Wow....
Really needed this!
So glad!
Great video Stephanie!!!! Thanks for sharing and I learned so much.