12 Steps To Improve Communication With An Avoidant Partner
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- Опубліковано 7 сер 2024
- In this video, I give you 12 helpful steps to improve communication with your avoidant partner.
00:00 Intro
00:32 1. Understand your attachment style
03:13 2. Share findings with your partner
03:27 3. Work on yourself
03:54 4. Don't take it personal
04:20 5. Avoid blame cycle
04:43 6. Express your emotions mindfully
05:47 7. Give them space
06:03 8. Develop empathy
06:57 9. MAGIC QUESTIONS
07:56 10. Sympathize with one another
08:14 11. Attachment style can change!
10:43 12. Chance to grow
Full Blogpost with more Tips:
www.coaching-online.org/how-t...
Attachment Style:
• Understanding Your Att...
How To Change Your Partner Forever (with your focus):
• How To Change Your Par...
How To Improve Communication With An Anxious Partner:
• How To Improve Communi...
www.coaching-online.org
I focus more on the comments on these kind of videos to gain the strength to just walk away from this toxic 6 year relationship where I am constantly investing my energy and getting no emotional security… Engaged and broken up and back together.. now i really want to walk away.. but it is so hard.. !
If they show not much empathy and are constantly distant, they are most likely a narcissist, rather than an avoidant.......
Their actions always seem to contradict what they say, and how they feel.
It's like they just pacify you with bullshit, to satisfy your concerns.
The avoidant doesn't show you his true colour at the start , you find it later on... my partner of 9 years with who I have a 5 year old daughter is one of them. Our way to deal with it is simple, he lives on his own 5 minutes away from us. I prefer it that way as a "secure" myself I don't want to deal with the drama. We see each other twice a week and have a normal family life without the frustration. I turned "anxious" when we lived together but by taking a year off "him" I had time to rebuild myself back to secure and I'm glad we did take the time to reconnect in a healthy way. So yes it's possible to be in a healthy relationship with an avoidant.
I've just hit a year a way from my Ex-avoidant and finally feel like I'm starting to remember who I am. It's sure hard to miss them and know they aren't healthy for me. He really hurt my kids by leaving the way he did.
@StartingOverSingleAgain our daughter was our priority, I protected her the best I could when we had little contact with each other by lying to her saying " daddy is working very hard so he can't come this week etc" but couldn't be helped she is my priority and always will be. Good luck for the future
What I really find annoying about this theory is that almost every single video is aimed at anxious people making efforts for avoidants and virtually none are about how avoidants can do to stop triggering anxiously-attached partners. Seems unfair.
True! Good point!
That's false!
All valid points.
Only thing, it puts all the work into my lap while he just goes away when difficulties come up.
What the guy said about #13. Seriously, eff that shite. He can have a whole lot of freedom now.
Well done video on the subject. For 8 months I have done the work on myself and feel that what I want is normal. But it seems the more empathy and love I feel for him, the more he withdraws. He said he was willing to work on the relationship, but he doesn’t. I’m losing the feelings of connection.
Thanks for sharing and thank you for your warm words. I'm happy you like my video.
Beautiful video! Ty!
Thanks I loved the video and the calm way you explained it. Well done
This is very true for me and my boyfriend (I am the one with anxious tendencies) and we are in a long distance relationship as well... It made me think and to be honest no.7 is the hardest one to accept ... I really love your take on this and especially love no.11 and 12.
Thank you! 💗
Hang in there, It's worth fighting for change. :)
We're exactly on the same boat !!! I'm anxious, my bf is avoidant, and we're long distance. We're still 3 months in our relationship , so it's hard to bring things like this up to him, so I'm trying to see if I can do smth backstage in the mean time to make him open up to me bit by bit. When the time is right , we can discuss things together.
I needed this video
Beautifully explained ❤️
Brilliant video, thank you. 🙏
Thanks Ron!
I would hope the partner with this type of attachment style would seek counseling. I do not match well with this avoidant style - I’ve tried empathy. And watching what I say. It’s like walking on egg shells. No thank you. thanks for the video!
Hey JJC2 yeah it can be very challenging and sometimes frustrating to deal with an avoidant. Often the efforts payout though in the long run. :)
@@coachingonlineorg I am normally Secure attachment but being with an Avoidant makes me Anxious style and I dislike it very much. I feel out of balance with love. Maybe a video on how the different attachment styles deal with one another? Thank you
@@jjc2323 Maybe these video help you...
ua-cam.com/users/results?search_query=school+of+life+avoidant
Good for you. Avoidant partners are generally emotionally unavailable. Unless they’re willing to work on themselves, the relationship is usually filled with strife
@JCC 2 Same boat as you. Can be frustrating.
I couldn't be more amazed after i watched this video, cuz this is absolutely true for me and my partner.I'm anxious and she's hurt inside. And it showed me how powerful psychology is. Very helpful video, thank you so much.
Thanks Nate. I'm glad the video helped. :)
Ok, let's do it:
1. Ok fair enough.
2. Good luck.
3. Always good advice. Do the work, and at some point an idea to stay with DA will sound ridiculous.
4. My favourite. And how should one take that if not personal? Are you SO or therapist in this relationship? Good luck with that.
5. At some point it's inevitable. It's a part of the long process that has it's phases. It's not a freeze frame from a film.
6. You'll get to that. It will change nothing in relationship that still will be unfulfilling, but will help you to stay sane.
7. They already forced their need of space on you. Give them even more, expect less and less. Why should one stay in this?
8. You clearly don't know what empathy/empath really is. It's not "i read your mind and mood, ill accomodate to it, ill take care of your need cos you're such a poor soul. Not to add it's unhealthy onesided approach.
9. Ill leave that, cos you clearly have never been in relationship with avoidant. And first magic question on DA's SO side is "Why TF are you even with me?".
10. At some point it's very hard to do. At some point in defence reaction you start do the same what DA does: you feel one thing, say another, and do something else.
11. No thay can't. DA will never change, it is too deep rooted, on the other hand so called anxious is in most cases just contextual reaction to DA's unhealthy beahviors. Some internal work can easy move anxious to secure.
12. At some some point you'll have to reach for so called Occam's Razor-the simplest, most logical explanation that they're not into you, you're not compatible, and quit.
One of the best comment i have ever seen on this thema. Good luck with avoidants you will need it, especially after 100th silent treatment.
Great comments … well structured. DAs never will change … and people around them can become anxious ( instead of secure ) the best is to quit!
Let them do their work … and therapy, in order to fix their own things!
Get away for DAs
Thanks for you resume
Brawo Kuba!
@@haihai5293 10/10
@ :)
1....ok, im secure
When i did 2-12, my avoidant ex still deactivated.
It might just be me, but i feel like a lot of coaches focus on how anxious attachers need to change for their avoidants, but very few advocate for how avoidants need to respect their secure partners when we do everything by the book to meet their needs. Is there any follow-up about how avoidants can respond when they push away people who show them genuine care and empathy?
I agree with you that it has to be a 50%/50% effort of both parties to connect and move toward each other. It's a good idea to make a video about the other perspective. As you haven't the power to change your partner, it is easiest to start working on your side. At least you don't have to regret anything and no-one can say you didn't try everything.
No matter how hard you try, show up or give space. Their instinct will always be to run away if things get close.
Most avoidant's don't seek out such video's, therefore those video's don't get alot of traction.
Do the videos anyway! What if you actually reach ONE DA (and probably more) who wants to do the work? Isn't the world a better place? Or are we only looking at strategies to either meet their needs on the disordered side, clickbait, sign people up for services, or eventually break up with the DA? I am securely attached leaning towards FA slightly, but see so much valuable about the person I'm with. I've seen glimmers he wants to be cared about several times, but because of culture and upbringing, that isn't always at the forefront. I'm not a quitter. 💪
13 Find another partner that is not avoidant and enjoy a relationship.
🤣
Exactly
Avoidant sounds like the typical narc too
Ah, shut up.
Or start to reflect, on why you attracted such a partner in the first place. Otherwise, the chances are high, that you end up in a similar situation down the road.
Thank you i really like the 11th one
You are welcome. Thanks for your feedback. Glad it helped.
Thank you 🙏
You are welcome! :)
This is all true, but after a while I just want to get on with my day.
I am avoidant which made him anxious. When he became avoidant, I became anxious.
Jesus, with the comments in this section you'd think avoidant attachment styles are unlovable monsters... Y'all are aware that anxious types are just as likely to become toxic, right?
I'm an avoidant who just got out of a relationship with an anxious. Because I'm avoidant doesn't mean I didn't love my partner. She was my best friend, not just my girlfriend. I'm devastated that it's over. It's just that I often felt she was pushing me too hard to be what she wanted rather than what I wanted and projecting her anxiety onto me all while depending on my current lifestyle to sustain herself. Through this we fell into this "blame cycle" where I would bottle up my frustrations while being told I was the main problem with intimacy in our relationship until I couldn't take it and would finally express my frustrations with her communication style. Videos like this help me realize that it wasn't MY fault like she claimed... it was OUR fault for not taking charge of codependent tendencies.
Thanks, Carter for these wonderful insights. I totally agree with you. Whether Avoidants nor Anxious are to blame or to judge. We are always equally responsible in a relationship. But it is the hardest thing to acknowledge.
It’s not like a 1 size fits all it’s a spectrum of avoidance and some are manipulative and liars an control freaks and stonewalling is mentally an emotionally abusive you can’t expect a relationship to thrive without communication an although I agree with we have issues being anxious the same goes with that having a spectrum some worse than others I’m also secure an even the most secure ppl become anxious with avoidants no way anything can thrive without 50/50 an empathy an compromises an I found the avoidant I was with to be very sick mentally and emotionally never met anyone like him before closest to a narcissist you can get an he is a lot of the issues in the relationship with had blaming does nothing fixing it does but again no responsibility on his part either just wants u to chase him 24-7 an apologize to him for things he did no way not normal an if it was normal in my opinion his relationship patterns everyone wouldn’t of left him always
She’ll be better off then you because hopefully she can go on to have a happy relationship while you will go on go hurt s other innocent victim who will be guilty of just wanting to love you. Anyone would be anxious with an avoidant otherwise they would just leave such an empty relationship. Dear god, heal yourself before you damage another person.
Well, it was your fault getting into relationship not being ready for it. I know exactly how avoidant "loves" his/her partner. Avoidant loves his/her partner so much that at some point avoidant's partner has to reach for Occam's Razor (first, best, most logical and simplest explanation - He/She is not into me. We are not compatible). And "pushing you too hard" probably was on her side a futile try to reach a bare minimum to make relationship function. When there's avoidant on the scene, everyone and everything looks anxious, needy and clingy.
@@sittowardi6781 exactly
I’m C Avoidant.
The best guidances vdo I found on youtube so far after finding out my partner is an avoidant. I was about to give up with him. Now, I'll give it a chance and will try my best. Thank you for a good vdo. ❤❤
Thanks Anisina. I appreciate your feedback.🙏
how did it go?
@@holymary1626 Lol. That time I gave up because I wasn't sure he loved me. But after 3 months of breaking up we met again and agreed to get back to each other. He's still being off-on through these times...may be more avoiding 😅...but he feels more relax with me coz he knows I truely understand and forgive him. I don't push him to the edge.
Now he's trying to fix himself. He attends rehab classes, doing daily meditation and reading books of mind fixing. And now he's doing psychedelic rehab...but I see no big progress so far coz his past knot from birth & the former wife was too messy. This happens not only to me but to his daughter as well. He loves her to life but avoiding her to life too! 😮💨
The reason I'm still being with him is that I now believe he loves me but he just don't know why he feels uncomfortable with intimacy. He isn't happy being like this and tries his best to fix it. The more he knows I understand, forgive, and support him, the more he feels secured and wanna fix himself for me. These avoiding people, their perception to their own feelings is minus. They don't even know the reason they keep avoiding. It's just their unconsciously fear. It's a mental illness. If they don't fix these, they might get depression one day...a doc told me.
Me, I have to working on myself. My love's perspective changes. I'm less focusing on myself, practicing meditation for a true merciful to him. I study till I know that his avoiding is a pattern and it's not very hard to handle. And now I'm ok with his on-off. But yes...loneliness is my friend sometimes.
My only mistake was that I left him the last time. This is a recurrent wound to his unconscious mind that everyone will finally leave him at the end. He's avoiding because of this fear.
You have to ask yourself what you really want from a relationship. This kind of relationship is super hard but still...there is a chance. And lots of hard works needed. But if you want to have a happy family, this might not be an answer. Remember, you've to love yourself first! God bless you.
@@878tailor Seeing that it's working out for you(although I know it's very hard ) gave me hope, my boyfriend is a dismissive avoidant, I'm doing my best reassuring him and being open , forgiving, loving and patient, but nothing seems to work, he says he loves me and is comfortable and lucky being with me yet he ghosts me for weeks and gets defensive and angry when I try to talk to him about me needing him to be around, I can't seem to find a connection, I don't know how to talk or deal with him to the point I feel embarrassed discussing my feelings with him and I gave it up, I feel abandoned ,lonely and insecure. It's kind of an emotional desert and I don't know how to fix it . Can I ask for a piece of advice?
@@holymary1626 I totally understand how you feel. I know it hurts so bad when ghosted. I've been there till now. 😅
First & most important, you've to be positive to yourself & the situation. Like coach said...let it be a challenge to improve for a better version of you. I challenge myself to love someone with no expectations but just want him to be happy. First I feel like I'm stupid but then I think of God, Buddha, and my parents...unconditionally love is for mindful people. I want to be like that. If this relationship fails, there's nothing to regret. You too, you have to be sure to yourself, as you know, a hard long way for us ahead. You've to be strong & loving yourself to love others. I'm with you!
Forget about the person you know during honeymoon period. If you think of it, you'll be frustrated, questioning his present actions, and finally depressed. And don't discuss with your friends about your DA bf, normal people don't understand the DA patterns. They will tell you that he doesn't love you and it's a real toxic to your mind. Remember that it's just his mental illness and he's suffering to love.
Keep in mind that a careful communication is the key. First, I sent him vdo clips of DAs to let him learn about himself. Leading discussion about his childhood that might traumasize him and ask him to open with me so I can understand what he really wants me to do (Ofcourse, DAs don't know what they want coz they are confused even to themselves. DAs need love and scared of love at the same time.) I told him that I understand the reason he's being like this. Telling him I'm ok that he needs private time...but it would be nice if he remember that I'm here waiting.
The key is you have to be millions% kind to him. You can't show your needs directly ie "I wanna see you." You just need some tricks ie "I've to go...& I really need your help accompanying me." I think DAs scared of being controlled and fear of being owned. They scared of partners' needy feelings coz it's uncomfortable for them to repond back passionately. They don't know how to show love. You shouldn't say "love u, miss u" much coz these passionate words might scare him away. But you can use it at the right time. Say thank you every time he does nice things for you.
If he doesn't read or respond back to your messages, leave it a few days & get back to him just to say hello. The time he gets back to you after disappearance, just play along. Don't ask him for the reason. Just pretend there's nothing wrong with it. This might look you're a stupid partner for those normal people out there. But believe me, he'll learn that you understand him & love him for real. If he loves you, he'll think about giving back and he might try to fix himself for you. Keep in mind that you've to comfort his feeling just to lessing his inner fear.
Some coachs suggest "no contact" but I would say it doesn't really work with a massive DA like my bf. I played "no contact" for 3 months and found out he didn't dare to contact me. He thought that was a break up. He wanted to get back to me but he didn't want to traumasize me more. DAs fear of love coz deep down they believe their partners will leave them so they have to leave first for no hurts. No contact = don't care, this might work with the DA couples during honeymoon period. But it might be a repeated wound for the DAs, making them believe more & more that there's no one truely cares for them. The result is...more avoiding.
DON'Ts: show no negative feelings, no needs, not much passionate feelings. no uncomfortable questions, no blame
DOs: Kindness, sympathy, forgiveness, understanding...in short...being an angel to him. 😂
When he comes to the most secured feeling for you. You then ask if he wants to fight this together. You might suggest him some practices or mental classes to search for his mental knot. You should do it together. He needs to fix himself & you need to cure your soul. Meditation is a good choice even if you're not Buddhist. (I suggests my bf many practices that I could find, a psychiatrist course, meditation, psychedelic to search for his unconscious knot...well no success yet. The doc said his case is super hard. Lol. But it works with my friend's couple)
Last, watch this vdo the time you feel depressed. I know you'll ask yourself again & again...why?? Remember to make a decision with a clear mind. If this relations hurts you so bad, it's ok to let go. Don't blame yourself. But if he worths it, and you know what you want. Give it a try. You have a friend! 😉 good luck!
Look let's face the reality and an avoidant partner is super sensitive to any you say . The slightest word about any dissatisfaction is taken as criticism. Any attempt talk about any issues in the relationship causes an immediate defensive shutdown. It's just not worth the work
It's mentally exhausting. At the beginning it seems like u can talk about anything to them, and they like u. Then they shut down randomly, pull away, and go cold on u for no apparent reason (maybe something that u said, but who knows).
I agree with Py in the comments.
Thank you! :)
We have an ocean between us, kept apart the past 2 yrs due to the pandemic (4 cancelled flights). We talk a lot, then he'd go quiet awhile, mostly just for a few days. This used to drive me crazy. I've come to realize there's so much I need and want to do, and like you say, keeping busy with errands, health objectives, hobbies, etc. is the answer, and not taking it personal. He's in S. Africa which experiences loadshedding (power outages) that keep him angry and Covid was harsh there. Life is harsh there. It's not all about me, or him. Thank you.
@Micheal rakuteScammer reported
I am in an Ldr with my avoidant partner. I do not feel a relationship going on at all. But if I try to break up he is quiet and is suffering. I have learned from others!
What can I possibly do?
I am anxious-avoidant but anxious leaning. I think the fearful avoidant/disorganised attachment feels a bit left out here because we experience the anxious and the avoidant side of attachment
Hi friend, it’s hard to know if your avoidant partner is also narcisstic and BPD and dangerous to us. I don’t know if it’s best to leave the relationship or continue beating my head against a brick wall?!?
I am an anxious/ secure (we did 4 years of couples therapy) attachment and don’t appreciate the gas lifghting. But I did years of “self” building before we met but now 15 years together and she is very narcissistically abusive and neglectful.
Thanks for your openness here. For sure it's important to defend your own borders and interests with an abusive partner. And if you come to a point where you think you tried everything and discussed it also with your partner, at some point maybe it is time to let go and free yourself.
I don't know how to put this tactfully, but you open with "it's hard to know if..." and that contrasts very heavily with "appreciate the gas lighting" and "she is very narcissistic..." It very much sounds like you have already made up your mind. It might just be that you two are not a good fit and you find a need to tear her down so you can break away from her. It might be she's a bad person. No way to tell from here. Whether it is you or her or the both of you... does that even matter? Would any of those options make the relationship better? You should be happy in your relationship, I can't see happiness developing from your situation as you describe it. Good luck!
@@fleetingfootnotes9133 wry good input, thank you for taking them time to respond. I am so imperfect as well, it is definitely both of us. The problem is I am the one taking all the responsibilities of changing and facing my mistakes while she runs from and avoids all hers at all costs. Things have evolved and I have realized that even after 15 years of marriage the person she has become (and insists on staying out of fear of facing her mistakes) is not serving me in any healthy or positive ways.
Connection doesn’t mean compatibility. It’s not your job to fix, rescue, save, change someone. You’re literally saying she is “very narcissistically abusive and neglectful” but you’re choosing to remain in the relationship. You need to work on your codependency.
If a parent was unable or unwilling to be emotionally available, when you were a small child- helpless and dependent on them. You likely felt invisible as a kid. Parents are our first teachers of love- how to be loved, what love is, etc.
Many people slowly realize that their romantic partners most resemble a negligent or abusive parent, and that they are only repeating the past in the present.
Even our thoughts and inner voices may sound like them. AA/ codependent people learn to put the needs of others ahead of their own and will sacrifice their needs and principles in order to maintain relationships.
Run very fast and very far and find someone who actually wants to communicate with you
The title of this was super misleading. This is how to improve your ability to communicate if you yourself lack communication skills while also likely struggling with anxious attachment. I'm secure attached, did decades of therapy, and have fallen in love with a very very fearful avoidant who entirely shuts down, lacking any communication skills. I've never encountered someone like this so I'm reading and watching everything I can get my mitts on. I thought this video would be about the things that trigger those shut downs, how to avoid them, tactics to express to them but it's not at all.
I don't think there's much to do. I just decided to leave my avoidant bf because, whenever we have a conflict, he'll ignore me. I already gave him the space and time that he needs, I am considerate and selfless but, it's tiring. Because you'll always have to be the one to follow his needs.
Hence, it will be easier for you to feel unloved. And you can't really solve any conflicts that arise.
So if you feel like you can't do it. Just leave. But if you truly value him more than you value yourself, then you need to be extremely patient. Just give them all the time and space that they need and pretend to be happy for them.
Be patient with them. Show them consistency and communicate with them clearly. Be compassionate and don't take it personal...now I wished I knew about this a long time.ago.
Relationship
24 relationship
Rejection, Abandonment, Betrayal of Trust, and Neglecting every last one of their needs before you finally invalidate them from 6mo of ghosting and cheating on them. Will make them look at their own actions and behaviors that they do otherwise you can develop borderline personality disorder and screw yourself with psychosis
Hey
So much negativity in the comments section about Dissmissive avoidants.
Just don't there's never any upside to being with an DA....I just got out of a relationship with one I had for 4 months. The hole cycle start to finish is like dating a love phycopath. Best person you ever met at the start then they get feelings for you and treat you like shit for it. It's the most fucked up form of unintentionally abusing someone. It will damage you forever but barely effect them.
This advice is going to make everyone become psychologically destroyed and make everyone trun negative. Complete mis information about this issue
Exactly
Are you german?
Yes. 🙂
stop swallowing ur spit so loud in between talking