30 Reasons to STAY in Abusive Relationship? NOT!
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- Опубліковано 10 чер 2024
- Don't stay in an abusive relationship just because: you or your family love your partner your in-laws or your mutual friends, emotional blackmail, to avoid failure, thinking you won’t find someone better, your partner is apologizing and making promises, you accept that you not worthy of love (gaslighting), because you’ve been together for a long time (sunk cost fallacy), Because you hate dating or having to move, to maintain stability, your partner is a great catch, for money or the house, for the kids or pets, because you’re scared of the future (catastrophizing), have false hope (magical thinking), you are too old, to avoid regretting it, to share the burden or chores, you feel guilty, terrified of being lonely and alone for the rest of your life, because of what other people might think, you are nostalgic for the good old days, or the sex is awesome.
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“You can’t have a home with an abuser”. 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
The peace I found is worth everything I lost.
The best I've heard❤
Amen
I started this journey with Sam Vaknin almost five years ago when I first heard the word Narcissist, I have been to hell and back to learn my whole life has been full of toxic parents friends partners and colleagues and more recently to learn of my own codependent possible BPD addictive ways, I left my covert NPD partner of 16 years, I am now a single parent at 41 in insecure housing with insecure income and all alone in the world with no clue what the future holds but I can tell you that now the pain is subsiding, I am slowly maturing, I am starting to feel like a real person, I am learning how to relax, I smile more, my assessment of others is getting better, I am not such a lamb to the slaughter anymore, I feel I have gained a knowledge and some wisdom, my skin is starting to fit me, it's priceless, much love to Sam this video is everything and confirms many of my thoughts, my life is not perfect and it may never be but for the first time, it is mine ❤️
respect.. i hope i'll eventually manage to do the same
My last relationship almost ruined me. I met a man online, not attractive but we clicked. I was way out of his league. Even his co workers thought he paid me to be his girl. I was loyal, loving, honest, open. I saw red flags long before, he hid me online, only female friends, not following through on basics things like a call back. Then 2 months in I was dx with Cancer. I thought at 38, I will never be loved and I have to stay with this man because im now used goods. I was listening alot to the RP and MGTOW community so I fully believed that i was destined to die alone with my cats because I was damaged goods. So I stayed with him, while dealing with Cancer alone. He hid me from his parents because I was black, he wasnt there during my blood transfusions or appointments, told me I spoke about Cancer too much (when I barely brought it up our of fear of ruining the moment). In my gut i knew I had to leave, but i was so broken I figured something is better than nothing.
I broke up with him twice before transplant. He charmed me, apologized, Im the best thing ever, blah bah but he never changed. When I brought up his behavior, he would deflect, ignore, deny. I finally broke it off before my transplant and went through everything without him and I was happy.
I was in therapy at the time, and my weekly sessions were spent on how I could be a better woman to make him happy. I've been told all my life by my mother that the problem was me, so obviously I have to fix me. I picked people that abuse me because that was my role model for love.
He persisted on emailing me, telling me he felt guilty. I let him back in, only the same BS. I finally ended it for good. I was raised by an NPD mom. I only know conditional love. Im only good if i do the right thing. I was raised to put up with abuse. It was scary to walk away but i did it and im happy.
Im fully healed and miss intimacy but im so scared to date again. I don't trust anyone. Especially in NYC. Alot of people talk a good game, but their actions never match. Alot of people are broken and have been abused but have not done the work on themselves to heal. They will carry that same dysfunction into a new relationship and when that fails, they will blame the other person as always. Round and round we go.
I feel you and I'm so proud of you for leaving and choosing you.
Being with a narc while going through an illness is an extremely lonely place. I do not have cancer but I was ill and even contemplated the end, I was hopeless & used to sob while alone. I was in a very low and dark place. I’ve never felt so lonely in all my life. It was hell. My husband wouldn’t take me to a doctors appointment or even ask how it went when I returned. They are disgusting animals!
You live in New York City? Did you hear about the murder of Orsolya Gaal from Forest Hills, Queens?
I am so sorry to hear what you went through. these people don't have any empathy for their significant others especially when you get sick. I had a condition I had to get a surgery for, and I was told by my narcisistic wife " I hope you die in the surgery". I left her two years ago but still going through some hard times. in the process of working on myself. what I can say, I am proud of you. keep up the good work.
❤️🌷
Alone, Single and no need for drama. What you think of me is none of my bussiness.
“A breakup is a wonderful opportunity to find out who your true friends are” - True with a capital T.
Thank you for this , you nailed it's all . We have to reflect why we're still staying.Abusive relationship is lonely 😢😢
"You can love someone and not like them". Well said! I've never heard it said like that before and it's very profound.
Narcissists are like onions for sure. The more layers you peel back, the smellier and more pungent they get! The more layers peeled, the more tears the victim cries!
I like your bright analogy 🤍
I couldn't love someone who treated me like crap. I fell out of love. First in my family to divorce but it had to be done. Thanks for the reminders why I was right to escape. The marriage was going nowhere good.
Great video!
Alone is actually really peaceful and fun. I remember an evening after the kids were asleep, I could choose whatever I want to do. The freedom is exquisite and a sigh of relief. A pet is a great cuddle buddy for the love you need. You can meet all your needs without selling your soul.
good afternoon , I'm on day 2 of leaving, after 5 and half long years, and I'm never looking back, thankyou for your support and spot on advice 💗💗
@Lola Malina I wish your mum the best💗
We gonna make it. I'm on my freedom journey too. I don't care about luck or faith. I have self trust, because even if i don't know what love is...after 2 years of abuse...I know and have a clear understanding of what is NOT love. Keep thriving beautiful souls ❤️🙏
❤
@@elpopo5407 best of luck to you too, we are doing this 💪💪
@@Sterre303 thankyou ❤️
This is one of your best, Sam! I could have used many of the “reasons for staying” that are on your list. Ultimately, his periodic rages grew in intensity and absurdity. And after one in particular, I felt in my soul that he could physically harm me…or worse. That’s what made me leave: I wanted to live.
That cold feeling from your head to your toes. He had me tied up with a phone cord going through different states. I was dropping notes at every rest area every eating place had a pencil in my pants and finally someone got the word and the FBI are now involved in my case this just happened four days ago.
I had to leave my gf after 18 years. I was always guilty for everything, she was verbally and physically abusive...and after we had our baby she became worse and i couldn't resist. She was telling frequently that i won't find anyone like her, and that god will give me what i deserve...she also threatened me with a knife, years ago, and i, stupidly, continued to stay with her.
Your words are so true. After a 25 year marriage, 5 year divorce. I have let go and am moving on. Minus the material things. As I say they just things. I would rather be alone than lonely in a marriage. How we come into the world is how we leave the world. Moving on have cleaned out my closet. He is stuck being a narc and his affair partner is bpd. Good luck to them. Good talk and wise words. Thank you
Staying for the dog. “Are you for real?” Made me LOL
True, I love him, but I don't like him. I've tried everything and it's been a horrible waste of time, money, energy, but I've also learned some very valuable lessons and for that awareness I am grateful.
Professor Vaknin, You are a Gem! Even though a lot of the statistics on being alone are so scary and hard to accept, I appreciate knowing. I’m over 40 and this sucks for me LOL. My decent looks probably won’t help my situation. The narcissist has invaded my mind and I want to hurt him. Listening to your videos helps me stay out of jail. :) Your humor and wisdom also helps. Please never stop teaching, your truth is refreshing for those who want to hear it and want to heal.
My answer: Nostalgia & I didn’t understand the meaning of love & thought hate was love. It was pathological.
❤
You have many great videos over the last decade. This one is the best of all, imho. Thank you.
I come back to this video if my demeanor changes and it immediately anchors me to reality. Thank you, my teacher!
This is true. Once you realise the loneliness is easier and less painful than being with him you find the strength and self esteem to set boundaries for change or walk away. Brilliant work, your teachings and wisdom has allowed me to gain strength and break the reactive patterns in response to his abuse. I feel unshackled and free after 22 years. Thank you 🙏 no words can express the gratitude.
New beginnings are awesome, having a new place with no energy of the past, a breath of fresh air. Nothing costs more than having no emotional, psychological and fisical health by consequence. Kids should not be raised with toxic patterns that they will struggle to heal when adults. The best things in life are for free. I rather have an empty small house, than living in a hall of mirrors.
Well said
I have to write it again: I love the humor accompanying the topics! Thank you! Puh, sometimes I am in such a dark place and when I seek more info, more support, more knowledge, help, etc. hearing this bit of humor lifts me up each time.
"Success at self-love" yes please, I'm working on that. It's so good to hear this! I'm changing my perspective of my breakup.
There's something beautiful about hearing the truth like this that's paradoxically calming. Like the Buddha, explaining suffering and it's cause.
This gentleman is speaking nothing but the goddamn truth
All of your lectures are life saving
Thank you for your contribution
I stay longer for some reasons, but I remember telling my self, what would be more painful, stay or go… wen I could see the pain of leaving was manageable, I left.
That’the best video of your’s or do I really needed it at this moment? Thank you!
If you have children with one of these monsters, you're stuck with said monster even after divorce especially if you live in a country that has laws that hand the children over to the monster for 50% of the time.
One of ur best recorded practical words, u r a genius, a community saint, u so rightfully said that if u r taking bribe then u r corrupted, it moved me… prayers for u prof
This says everything honest and so true. Thank you so much , it is so supportive ❤
Thank you prof. Sam vaknin. Your videos help me gain inside and self respect 💕🙏
I normally switch off! When When prof sam Vakni come on.
To tune in when i can totally focus.
I can never listen half heartedly!
Life saving lectures!
Cheers from Brazil, Sam...you're the best
Thankyou for a great lecture that seemed to come from the heart. There was a lit of food for thoughts.
Thank you Professor for this speech! It’s eyes opening and lives saving. 🙏❤️
🤯 23% is better than zero!!
Truly profound Prof Vaknin , Incredibly rational , thought provoking, sobering , reasonable and truly eye opening . I want to thank you for this wonderful instructive video . Much appreciation.
This video (as well as the others by Prof.V., but this in particular) should be demonstrated at school as an educational material….
You’re saving lives Sir 🙏
Professor your representation about relationships and fall out is light . The insight is inspiring . Times a wasting learn from the loses and grow . Love
Thank you Doctor. I needed that. Seriously. I’m a huge fan of yours🥰
Absolutely brilliant Prof Sam! My absolute thoughts as I have watched so many friends stay in unhappy and abusive relationships 😕 I pain for them but there is nothing one can do. Hopefully you get through to someone with this. Thanks again for your content 🙏 😊
Lern how to love your self again, learn self care...work on your self, don t let the narcistic partner be your center of world. When you work on your self, you will move the focus from them. And than you will know to leave or to stay...
Wow thank you for this Dr. Vaknin. This is a frame I needed from your content. Good timing as I’m dealing with the break up with a toxic and borderline/narccistic woman.
I stand corrected, ‘Professor’ Vaknin.
Thanks Professor!! I love this talk
Great one as usual
25:15 Thank you.
lots of Love from Paris, Sam. Thanks for the information, and thank your sharing
Excellent. Thank you.
For now I'm leaving him emotionaly he has two personalities I hate one,the drunk one
Thank you..
So amazing because all of this is exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you.
Thank you so much for this, Sam.
But I did do a lot for her, to show her I’m here to stay and I was a safe place for her to relax and be loved, so, after all I done for her, she did what she did. We do things for ppl we love, don’t we?
Thank you Prof. Sam Vaknin this is a very good advice! I am also stand up for my selfworth. But its diffucult to get free when he is a stalker etc. I am alone, isolate when he gaslight me whereever I comes. Thank you so much!🙏
Great Video Sam!
Thank you.
Very good. Thank you.
I'm definitely sure my next intimate partner is a going to be a parrot.... He can mirror me all he wants... Im giving up on dating apps.... Guy claims he wants to be in a relationship but it turned transactional.... Even his mother didn't give a damn... Definitely a narc herself
Thank you Dr Vaknin
Great video,thank you very much..❤
Thank you Sam.. Given me lots to consider in my personal situation.
This is wonderful Sam, a very practical talk. One of my favourites so far.
Thank you
my brother could be a narcissist. our mom never let him have a healthy life. she found a fault in everyone. last month both our parents died. he hasn't recovered, yet all our relatives r gearing up for his marriage even he wants to have someone in his life but for selfish reasons. i feel for the girl whoever it might be. should i say something or just stay minimal contact and watch
🌼Thank you!
"Are you for real?" LMAO
Thank you good video again, i totally recognize the dynamic watching Johnny Depp and Amber Heard, even the "monster and demons" trip etc... Thankfully my partner was not lashing out so much and as violently as her. He said as reason that he stayed because he didn't want to fail, wich i believe since he is a very successful and ambitious.
You become my best friend
Great video Professor, but I was hoping you'd spend more time on staying for the kids sake, especially from a father's perspective. Mother usually get custody no matter how narcissistic they are. Do you have any videos about coping with this?
Great video
Hi Sam, what do you think about antinatalism . I hope I did my homework well, cause I didn’t find any video of yours covering this topic.
Thank you once again for your excellent commentary. Just wondering, is this quote an example of how someone with BPD would experience love? "I had often wondered how a single heart could hold great love- it's so tiny and love's so vast. The simple answer is: It doesn't. It spills over. It becomes the everything" Jeff Brown, Hearticulations.
RE: (Repeated transgressions…) What of those expecting apologies for persistent perceived transgressions with no intention by the intimate partner … Is not chronic accusation also a form of psychological abuse?
Respect
Indebted to you dr.vaknin
Hi Sam, you haven’t mentioned when they threaten to destroy or kill you and you’re fearful they mean it. Or is that just an excuse too? But thank you
Sam I hope your back as soon as possible. This is evil.
www.tiktok.com/@narcissismwithvaknin?lang=en
untying knots with logic.
I used to hate my wife now I have become indifferent only staying because we have a son and the laws in India are so tilted in favour of women that if i leave her I will have to part with 50% of my property, pay monthly amount for her upkeep and will lose on playing a positive role in my kids life ...i love my son and the thought of him getting raised by that evil woman is enough for me to stay.. I'm only 31 btw
Cheers from Pakistan Sam
Are you for REAL?! Forget the pet 🏃🏽 run away
Iam 69 and she is 63. We are in arranged marriage for 44 yrs.
She was illiterate but dominates everyone like Don as her father and brothers do. Her parents died. One brother in jail for murder his business partner.
Our both engineer daughters are married and living proffessional life in usa.
Iam retired engineer with 39 yrs of service from space centre also lived a pityful family life.
All my married life utterly ruined and still suffering with her narcisstic behaviour.
In India all psychiatrists diagnosis narcissist patients as Schizo or something.
Sje is under treatment for schizophrenia, since 2007 but with few results.
She taking Respidrol Costa Injection twice a month.
She will not allow any of my parents, brothers, sisters and their children.
She will not even talk to neighbours and not allow me to be friendly with them.
Even she manhandled me, some of instances recorded.
I tried to divorce her but everytime my daughters convinced me somehow.
She even not attended my mother' funers, 4 yrs ago.
Now we are green card holders.
Iam alone visiting my father, 94 yrs, who is living with my brothers in our village, in India.
I can live my life indepently with my Retirement pension income but living like a slave. Is Indian Social norms playing on me?---hypocracy❗️
I think that Iam " innately scared of my actions against my narcissistic wife will reflect on my daughters lives"-- ❗️ What is this Sir❓
Remember that woman lie a lot...
so do men
@Healthy Chick: True. Just saying it's more often that the woman falsely accuses the man.
Men liars lie a lot. Honest men don't. Women liars lie a lot. Honest women don't.
So do narcissistic men.
Thank you.