I gave birth to all my kids...and wasn’t in love with any of them at first sight. I had the same feelings about my first “am I a bad mom?” I carried her in my belly for 41 weeks, labored for 15 hours and then was just like “oh...there’s a baby.” I felt very protective of her and her sisters from the beginning: I wanted them, I wanted to care for them, I would protect them from anything I could, they were mine. But I’d say both times it was somewhere around 3 months where I realized I was madly in love with them. I’ve talked to close friends about this and all felt similarly. They thought something was wrong with them for not instantly being in love the second they popped out. I think there are so many myths about what motherhood is supposed to look and feel like, and none of us talk about the truth of it out loud.
Thank you so much for sharing! I think this is definitely something mothers need to feel safe to talk about. No one should feel alone when it seems like it's common.
Finding My Star One was in the hospital for 6 of her first 9 weeks, overcame several rare disorders in her first year. I’ve felt so much guilt since anytime I felt overwhelmed or like I needed a break from them. Like I didn’t deserve to feel that way because my baby survived and others around us didn’t. We’ve talked a lot in therapy about the undue pressure society puts on women to be completely selfless, especially in motherhood, instead of humans with complex needs and emotions. ❤️
You got this, Momma! I cannot even IMAGINE how difficult this must be for you. BIG FEELINGS! Thank you for being so vulnerable and sharing. This is helping so many people. Best wishes!
Love takes time to grow between people. I naively thought I would immediately love my first two children adopted at 5 and 6, and while I felt fiercely protective of them, the love took time to grow. I wasn’t expecting this and felt like the worst parent ever for the longest time. Nothing like this was mentioned in the adoption books I read, thank goodness for the encouragement and experience of other adoptive parents. Now they’ve been home for 7 1/2 years and have been joined by two more children through two more adoptions and we are thoroughly bonded and attached as a family. And yes the love did come❤️ These are difficult topics and you are brave to share on this platform. So many people are quick to judge and slow to understand.
Thank you so much for sharing! My daughter has been home for almost 11 months now. It took time but our love is so strong now. I'm grateful to have also had experienced adoptive parents that encouraged me because I knew that no matter how long it took, we would get there eventually! I wish more people would be open about it but also knowing how much backlash I've received, I understand why so many are hesitant to share.
This is so real and raw. Thank you. Definitely a normal part of adoption. I think it’s mostly self preservation. Keeping our hearts protected if failure happens. I was connected to my son when we brought him home and I loved him but I needed to pass court to feel like things were absolute.
Don't be hard on yourself. I wonder if part of it is that it seems too good to be true after all you've been through so your heart is more guarded. ♥️♥️♥️ She will feel like yours once she is home and with you and you don't feel as worried anymore xox lots of bio parents feel this way too! Totally normal.
Thanks for being so open and honest! I believe a lot of people struggle with this issue (biological and adoptive) but very few admit it as they see it as 'taboo' .Relationships take time to build and with that will come an unbreakable connection. ❤
Thank you so much! It's hard when people don't talk about it because then we feel so alone. When it doesn't feel normal because it's hidden we feel like something is wrong with us. I hope in the future more and more parents feel like they can openly talk about the time it takes.
I immediately bonded with two sisters that lived with us for a year. Unfortunately, the adoptions failed. Literally broke me. I could not function for almost a year. We are trying to adopt again and attachments have been rough. I have learned to just be my authentic self and be kind and that is enough! Thank you for being venerable.
Thank you for sharing! We had to wait for 2,5 years to be matched and we had to fight for 2.5 years for the adoption of our son in Bulgaria. We HAD to feel a connection towards him and at the same time not to get emotionally to close, because it was not clear if the adoption would ever take place. It was very schizophrenic and painfull... So, when we finally brought him home, we expected a big flow of love and attachment towards him... But it was not like that at all. We didn't have a adoption-honeymoon with our adopted son, we had and have to work for our relationship... We mothers still struggle some times, but we give us grace! I hope you are better now und the small flower of becoming a family is flourishing 💚
Exactly! Feeling like you need that connection but also don't want to get too close in case something happens. I felt soooo guarded during the process. Even when flying to go get her I still thought something would happen that would prevent it. Being home now I have to remind myself that it's not temporary, I don't ever have to give her back.
Ive never adopted before, but i feel like it would be hard to form a bond in just a few days. Especially when youre still working on finalizing everything. Once shes home and youre able to care for her and share experiences with her the bond will come. Im rooting for you guys!
I remember being pregnant with my daughter and feeling SO attached to her while I was pregnant. I felt like a mommy and totally protective of her. Then she was born and I remember looking at her thinking hey who are you? Who is this baby. She just didn't match with the fantasy image I had got attached to while I waited for her to be born. I'm not sure when I became her "mom" and fell in love with her but it happened pretty quickly and the fantasy baby didn't matter . Becoming a mom is crazy and it doesn't happen overnight. Xoxo
I didn’t have that instant connection and bond with either of my children that I gave birth to. It took time. I believe because I was so afraid of loss that I was protecting myself. I think this is what your experiencing too. Fear of loss prevent an instantly bond with your child. It’s not your fault. You’ve just gone through so much pain on this journey.
You are being too hard on yourself. It sounds like you are protecting your heart because you are waiting for something to go wrong. Once you get her home and you get to bond she will start to feel like yours. Give it time xx
I don't know if you made the connection since my name on instagram is different, but we already talked about this and seeing the video it makes me want to hug you and tell you that it's totally normal and okay to feel the way you feel. As I told you, I struggled with bonding with my son as well, and he is my biological child. But I had wanted to be a mom for so long and had planned it all out, done a ton of research and wanted to do it all right, and then it was so different. It took me 6 months to really feel the strong bond with him. I loved him, i took care of him, never let him cry, breastfed exclusively for 7 months, but the deep, motherly bond took time. I think it's because we had a really rough start with an unplanned c section. In your case, your start is really rough too thanks to covid, and due to almost no chance at all to bond at the slightest in this little room with all the people around. Give yourself some grace and time, the bond will come I promise! Just don't put any pressure on yourself. When she's home, be open, be aware and most of all, try to be as relaxed as possible and take it easy. No pressure at all, neither on her nor on you. You don't have to prove anything to anyone, just be there for your girl and intentionally enjoy every moment. It will be hard sometimes, of course, but I know you will do amazing! xx
Thank you so much. Haha yes, I made the connection because your face is the same 😂. After digging a bit I have found quite a few stories like yours, especially with unplanned csections. I think society just likes it's sunshine and rainbows that it wants to ignore the fact that things in life aren't.
@@TheChoiceofMotherhood yeah I guess that's right. I felt pretty ashamed and didn't talk about it either. I think if I told anyone I know, they wouldn't even believe me. It's really good that you're talking about it, it helps so much and I'm sure it will also help you with bonding when you know that it doesn't have to happen instantly and that there are moms out there that have been through the same.
You adopted her, she is yours. Most adopted children go thru periods where they feel they were not a part of their adopted family. Troubling for them. She is yours.
Have you adopted before? I would love to hear your experience of when you felt attached to your child. Or maybe you are an adoptee? If so I'm sorry you felt that way, my daughter has special needs so her compensation of things is very different than a typical child. Either way it's been almost three years since this video and I've come to realize that my issues with attachment came from fear that things weren't going to happen. After over seven years of failures it was hard to believe she was actually coming home. Lack of attachment was trying to protect me from the heartache of losing her because that's what I felt was going to happen. Thankfully it didn't and she's been home two and a half years now. She is Mama's princess and fully knows how loved she is.
I remember my husband had a moment were he admitted the love isn't instant with having a baby. And I felt so relieved because I felt the same. A few months in we would have died for them. The bond grows, that's normal, I don't think it's instant for many people even when you give birth. You want to care for them and protect them but the love grows. You're a great mum for even worrying about it.
I know you have since adopted her, but I just came across your channel actually looking for a product review but it turns out we're similar in a lot of ways! But I wanted to let you know it is actually more common than not to take two or more years both for the parent(s) and the child(ren) to both together as a family. I believe there's studies out there that talk about it taking 2 or more years for not just the parent, but the child as well. Takes longer when there are animals, children adopted at different times, and if there's a 2nd guardian (because that means bonding with 2 different adults who have unique approaches to raising kids and can butt heads). And especially if the child (or parent) has a disability, is from a different culture or race, is older, or lived with more than one family. People are complex and it takes awhile to get to know each other, and both you and your daughter had gone through forms of hardship and challenges which can be traumatizing so both can take time to warm up to each other in order to protect yourselves. And even when people adopt more than once, it often is a completely different set of challenges and will take a different amount of time for everyone to adjust and bond than the first time. Keep up the great work! You are living my dreams, thanks for documenting your journey.
Thank you so much for your kind and supportive comment. When I see there is a new comment on this video I often cringe because it's usually something cruel. My daughter has been home almost two years and we have such an amazing bond. I leave the video up hoping that others can get support by it but sometimes it's hard to have your life and emotions be so public. I definitely agree that there are so many other factors. I feel like what helped us the most is that it's only just us (no partner, no other children) and I was able to be home with her for almost a year before returning to work. Every day I'm grateful that she was chosen to be mine and I hers. We were totally meant for each other 🥰. Welcome to the channel and hope you find other videos helpful. Life is a bit crazy right now but I have new content planned! Also check out the travel channel "Our Slow Simple Travel" for our videos from the adoption trips.
@@TheChoiceofMotherhood I am absolutely warmed to know it all worked out just like you knew it would and that you were able to have time with her for a year. It's something I actually wished I did when my child was born and it's a constant process of juggling quality time when I work, my kid is in daycare, and I go to school. I am loving the content I checked out so far! I think I have seen 3 videos already. I will definitely read up on the adoption trips and also your tips for saving for adoption. Lastly, I appreciate you keeping this video up. It is so important other parents know the truth: that it's actually more common than not to grow to know your child and vice versa. And from all the parents who had bio kids, you can tell it happens quite often regardless of how a family is created. Which I think is amazing for any new parent to see when they view this channel: that it is NORMAL. You are so strong, so brave, so loving. I never really wanted to have my face on the internet and I have missed out on documenting important journeys and reaching others that I could have if I had that ability. I really applaud you for doing it and it means so much to me as a person who is making long term plans to adopt to actually hear real humans say their perspectives. Not just the brochures or commercials show. This kind of raw honesty and documentaries are what this new decade needs. YOU are a much needed part of UA-cam because so many of us women want to be moms and want to adopt, regardless if there is a partner.
Thank you so much! If you have any questions please let me know. My adoption journey wasn't typical and had way too many set backs but a happy ending ☺️
I am a retired international adoption social workers . Some feelings like this are normal but your feelings are so strong so early, I hope you back out of the adoption before you bring her home. I’m so sorry Too high risk for placement. You are brave to be truthful
Wow, I hope you never caused others to back out! She's been home six months and we have an incredible bond. I hate to know how many families you told to back out due to very normal feelings. It's social workers like you that ruin adoption for families, make them feel like they can't do it instead of supporting them through the hard times and hard feelings.
Birth parents also sometimes have a lack of feeling at first. You will get it. Once you are begging her to stay in bed or you give up on cleaning because you realise playing with your kid is more important than a clean house. There the moments you usual realise crap this is my kid. It will come in time and no one has the right to judge you for it.
If you want to see how life is now for us, go check out my other channel at www.youtube.com/@travelingbeyondboundaries
I gave birth to all my kids...and wasn’t in love with any of them at first sight. I had the same feelings about my first “am I a bad mom?” I carried her in my belly for 41 weeks, labored for 15 hours and then was just like “oh...there’s a baby.” I felt very protective of her and her sisters from the beginning: I wanted them, I wanted to care for them, I would protect them from anything I could, they were mine. But I’d say both times it was somewhere around 3 months where I realized I was madly in love with them. I’ve talked to close friends about this and all felt similarly. They thought something was wrong with them for not instantly being in love the second they popped out. I think there are so many myths about what motherhood is supposed to look and feel like, and none of us talk about the truth of it out loud.
Thank you so much for sharing! I think this is definitely something mothers need to feel safe to talk about. No one should feel alone when it seems like it's common.
Finding My Star One was in the hospital for 6 of her first 9 weeks, overcame several rare disorders in her first year. I’ve felt so much guilt since anytime I felt overwhelmed or like I needed a break from them. Like I didn’t deserve to feel that way because my baby survived and others around us didn’t. We’ve talked a lot in therapy about the undue pressure society puts on women to be completely selfless, especially in motherhood, instead of humans with complex needs and emotions. ❤️
Totally agree. I carried both of mine and I never had an instant bond. It took me weeks and months.
Thank you so much for sharing!
You got this, Momma! I cannot even IMAGINE how difficult this must be for you. BIG FEELINGS! Thank you for being so vulnerable and sharing. This is helping so many people. Best wishes!
Thank you so much!
Love takes time to grow between people. I naively thought I would immediately love my first two children adopted at 5 and 6, and while I felt fiercely protective of them, the love took time to grow. I wasn’t expecting this and felt like the worst parent ever for the longest time. Nothing like this was mentioned in the adoption books I read, thank goodness for the encouragement and experience of other adoptive parents. Now they’ve been home for 7 1/2 years and have been joined by two more children through two more adoptions and we are thoroughly bonded and attached as a family. And yes the love did come❤️ These are difficult topics and you are brave to share on this platform. So many people are quick to judge and slow to understand.
Thank you so much for sharing! My daughter has been home for almost 11 months now. It took time but our love is so strong now. I'm grateful to have also had experienced adoptive parents that encouraged me because I knew that no matter how long it took, we would get there eventually! I wish more people would be open about it but also knowing how much backlash I've received, I understand why so many are hesitant to share.
This is so real and raw. Thank you. Definitely a normal part of adoption. I think it’s mostly self preservation. Keeping our hearts protected if failure happens. I was connected to my son when we brought him home and I loved him but I needed to pass court to feel like things were absolute.
Thank you so much! I feel a bit better since court but definitely not really connected. Hopefully once I pick her up and she's actually in my arms.
Don't be hard on yourself. I wonder if part of it is that it seems too good to be true after all you've been through so your heart is more guarded. ♥️♥️♥️ She will feel like yours once she is home and with you and you don't feel as worried anymore xox lots of bio parents feel this way too! Totally normal.
Thank you so much!
It’s totally normal! What’s not normal is to instantly bond. Sending you love.
Thanks so much!
Thanks for being so open and honest! I believe a lot of people struggle with this issue (biological and adoptive) but very few admit it as they see it as 'taboo' .Relationships take time to build and with that will come an unbreakable connection. ❤
Thank you so much! It's hard when people don't talk about it because then we feel so alone. When it doesn't feel normal because it's hidden we feel like something is wrong with us. I hope in the future more and more parents feel like they can openly talk about the time it takes.
I immediately bonded with two sisters that lived with us for a year. Unfortunately, the adoptions failed. Literally broke me. I could not function for almost a year. We are trying to adopt again and attachments have been rough. I have learned to just be my authentic self and be kind and that is enough! Thank you for being venerable.
Thank you for sharing!
We had to wait for 2,5 years to be matched and we had to fight for 2.5 years for the adoption of our son in Bulgaria. We HAD to feel a connection towards him and at the same time not to get emotionally to close, because it was not clear if the adoption would ever take place. It was very schizophrenic and painfull...
So, when we finally brought him home, we expected a big flow of love and attachment towards him... But it was not like that at all. We didn't have a adoption-honeymoon with our adopted son, we had and have to work for our relationship... We mothers still struggle some times, but we give us grace!
I hope you are better now und the small flower of becoming a family is flourishing 💚
Exactly! Feeling like you need that connection but also don't want to get too close in case something happens. I felt soooo guarded during the process. Even when flying to go get her I still thought something would happen that would prevent it. Being home now I have to remind myself that it's not temporary, I don't ever have to give her back.
@@TheChoiceofMotherhood 💜
Now, 2,5 years as a mother, I still sometimes wonder if he is really here with us... 😉
Ive never adopted before, but i feel like it would be hard to form a bond in just a few days. Especially when youre still working on finalizing everything. Once shes home and youre able to care for her and share experiences with her the bond will come. Im rooting for you guys!
Thank you so much!
Adoption isnt about ownership its about giving a child another opportunity.
I totally agree with you! Attachment needs to happen though in order for families to be successful though.
I remember being pregnant with my daughter and feeling SO attached to her while I was pregnant. I felt like a mommy and totally protective of her. Then she was born and I remember looking at her thinking hey who are you? Who is this baby. She just didn't match with the fantasy image I had got attached to while I waited for her to be born. I'm not sure when I became her "mom" and fell in love with her but it happened pretty quickly and the fantasy baby didn't matter . Becoming a mom is crazy and it doesn't happen overnight. Xoxo
Thanks so much!
I didn’t have that instant connection and bond with either of my children that I gave birth to. It took time. I believe because I was so afraid of loss that I was protecting myself. I think this is what your experiencing too. Fear of loss prevent an instantly bond with your child. It’s not your fault. You’ve just gone through so much pain on this journey.
Thank you so much!
You are being too hard on yourself. It sounds like you are protecting your heart because you are waiting for something to go wrong. Once you get her home and you get to bond she will start to feel like yours. Give it time xx
Thank you so much!
I don't know if you made the connection since my name on instagram is different, but we already talked about this and seeing the video it makes me want to hug you and tell you that it's totally normal and okay to feel the way you feel. As I told you, I struggled with bonding with my son as well, and he is my biological child. But I had wanted to be a mom for so long and had planned it all out, done a ton of research and wanted to do it all right, and then it was so different. It took me 6 months to really feel the strong bond with him. I loved him, i took care of him, never let him cry, breastfed exclusively for 7 months, but the deep, motherly bond took time. I think it's because we had a really rough start with an unplanned c section.
In your case, your start is really rough too thanks to covid, and due to almost no chance at all to bond at the slightest in this little room with all the people around.
Give yourself some grace and time, the bond will come I promise! Just don't put any pressure on yourself. When she's home, be open, be aware and most of all, try to be as relaxed as possible and take it easy. No pressure at all, neither on her nor on you. You don't have to prove anything to anyone, just be there for your girl and intentionally enjoy every moment. It will be hard sometimes, of course, but I know you will do amazing! xx
Thank you so much. Haha yes, I made the connection because your face is the same 😂. After digging a bit I have found quite a few stories like yours, especially with unplanned csections. I think society just likes it's sunshine and rainbows that it wants to ignore the fact that things in life aren't.
@@TheChoiceofMotherhood yeah I guess that's right. I felt pretty ashamed and didn't talk about it either. I think if I told anyone I know, they wouldn't even believe me. It's really good that you're talking about it, it helps so much and I'm sure it will also help you with bonding when you know that it doesn't have to happen instantly and that there are moms out there that have been through the same.
You adopted her, she is yours. Most adopted children go thru periods where they feel they were not a part of their adopted family. Troubling for them. She is yours.
Have you adopted before? I would love to hear your experience of when you felt attached to your child. Or maybe you are an adoptee? If so I'm sorry you felt that way, my daughter has special needs so her compensation of things is very different than a typical child. Either way it's been almost three years since this video and I've come to realize that my issues with attachment came from fear that things weren't going to happen. After over seven years of failures it was hard to believe she was actually coming home. Lack of attachment was trying to protect me from the heartache of losing her because that's what I felt was going to happen. Thankfully it didn't and she's been home two and a half years now. She is Mama's princess and fully knows how loved she is.
I remember my husband had a moment were he admitted the love isn't instant with having a baby. And I felt so relieved because I felt the same. A few months in we would have died for them. The bond grows, that's normal, I don't think it's instant for many people even when you give birth. You want to care for them and protect them but the love grows. You're a great mum for even worrying about it.
Thanks so much!
I know you have since adopted her, but I just came across your channel actually looking for a product review but it turns out we're similar in a lot of ways!
But I wanted to let you know it is actually more common than not to take two or more years both for the parent(s) and the child(ren) to both together as a family. I believe there's studies out there that talk about it taking 2 or more years for not just the parent, but the child as well. Takes longer when there are animals, children adopted at different times, and if there's a 2nd guardian (because that means bonding with 2 different adults who have unique approaches to raising kids and can butt heads). And especially if the child (or parent) has a disability, is from a different culture or race, is older, or lived with more than one family.
People are complex and it takes awhile to get to know each other, and both you and your daughter had gone through forms of hardship and challenges which can be traumatizing so both can take time to warm up to each other in order to protect yourselves. And even when people adopt more than once, it often is a completely different set of challenges and will take a different amount of time for everyone to adjust and bond than the first time.
Keep up the great work! You are living my dreams, thanks for documenting your journey.
Thank you so much for your kind and supportive comment. When I see there is a new comment on this video I often cringe because it's usually something cruel. My daughter has been home almost two years and we have such an amazing bond. I leave the video up hoping that others can get support by it but sometimes it's hard to have your life and emotions be so public. I definitely agree that there are so many other factors. I feel like what helped us the most is that it's only just us (no partner, no other children) and I was able to be home with her for almost a year before returning to work. Every day I'm grateful that she was chosen to be mine and I hers. We were totally meant for each other 🥰. Welcome to the channel and hope you find other videos helpful. Life is a bit crazy right now but I have new content planned! Also check out the travel channel "Our Slow Simple Travel" for our videos from the adoption trips.
@@TheChoiceofMotherhood I am absolutely warmed to know it all worked out just like you knew it would and that you were able to have time with her for a year. It's something I actually wished I did when my child was born and it's a constant process of juggling quality time when I work, my kid is in daycare, and I go to school.
I am loving the content I checked out so far! I think I have seen 3 videos already. I will definitely read up on the adoption trips and also your tips for saving for adoption.
Lastly, I appreciate you keeping this video up. It is so important other parents know the truth: that it's actually more common than not to grow to know your child and vice versa. And from all the parents who had bio kids, you can tell it happens quite often regardless of how a family is created. Which I think is amazing for any new parent to see when they view this channel: that it is NORMAL.
You are so strong, so brave, so loving. I never really wanted to have my face on the internet and I have missed out on documenting important journeys and reaching others that I could have if I had that ability. I really applaud you for doing it and it means so much to me as a person who is making long term plans to adopt to actually hear real humans say their perspectives. Not just the brochures or commercials show. This kind of raw honesty and documentaries are what this new decade needs. YOU are a much needed part of UA-cam because so many of us women want to be moms and want to adopt, regardless if there is a partner.
Thank you so much! If you have any questions please let me know. My adoption journey wasn't typical and had way too many set backs but a happy ending ☺️
@@TheChoiceofMotherhood Thank you! I really appreciate it!
I am a retired international adoption social workers . Some feelings like this are normal but your feelings are so strong so early, I hope you back out of the adoption before you bring her home. I’m so sorry Too high risk for placement. You are brave to be truthful
Wow, I hope you never caused others to back out! She's been home six months and we have an incredible bond. I hate to know how many families you told to back out due to very normal feelings. It's social workers like you that ruin adoption for families, make them feel like they can't do it instead of supporting them through the hard times and hard feelings.
Birth parents also sometimes have a lack of feeling at first. You will get it. Once you are begging her to stay in bed or you give up on cleaning because you realise playing with your kid is more important than a clean house. There the moments you usual realise crap this is my kid. It will come in time and no one has the right to judge you for it.
Thank you so much!