UA-cam LIMITED MY ADS SO THIS VIDEO IS DEFINITELY GONNA BE SUPRESSED OH WELL. Also, it’s so minor, but there were some typos in the notes I used in the opening, and it drives me nuts that I didn’t fix it in the editing lol (example: “except” instead of “accept”) but oh well lol. Thanks so much for checking out the video. Due to all the issues I had filming, it’s nowhere near the quality I wanted it to be, but all my future videos will have better audio, lighting, and overall production :) I just wanted to go ahead and get SOMETHING up. OH, AND IMPORTANT REMINDER: If you guys liked the music used in the intro and outro of this video, my best friend made it! I’m really happy she was open to letting me use it because I think she’s super talented. pls support her on soundcloud so she can explore this passion of hers further! She really deserves it. Soundcloud: soundcloud.com/kassi-kay-40495819 Song Used in Opening: on.soundcloud.com/Rmm4c Song Used in Outro: on.soundcloud.com/yowkM
Taylor look where you've been, look where you are and if there isn't a miraculous change where are you going? I am bi-polar 2 and have suffered from bouts of depression for over 20 years. Whether you have believed, never believed or have been a staunch atheist but my best recommendation is to go to a non-denominational Christian Church and let Jesus into your life. He loves you and always will. There is a way out of the hole you're in and it's not a drug, hair color, tattoo, piercing, boyfriend... It is Good. The only God, the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. Please give it a try. Please do not confuse a non-denominational church is any old church. It's not the Roman Catholic Church or the Baptist or Episcopal Church or many others. It is a Bible believing church based solely on the Word of God as communicated through the Bible. It is not based on the rules of men it is God's Words and no one else's. Please try it, you may find the peace that evades you.
Hey I just want to say that I'm so sorry for what you're going through. You're such an inspiration though even if you don't feel like it sometimes. You've been such an inspiration to me! I was suffering from severe depression too and I started volunteering with hospice. Just twice a week for 3 hours and it changed my entire life. For the first time in my life I felt like I had a purpose that there were people counting on me. And now 5 years later I'm an in-home geriatric nurse. I highly recommend volunteering. Because nothing gets you out of your own head and thinking about your own problems and hopelessness and despair then helping other people truly. You might have to volunteer a few places before you find where you really fit. But I highly recommend just trying to volunteer for a couple hours every week ❤️ and you aren't a failure! You're a wonderful person and as long as you trying even if trying is just being able to brush your teeth that day and nothing else you should be proud. ❤️ I'm very proud of you.
Maybe you should talk to GOD. JESUS saved me from my depression. I wanted to hang my self. And he freed me from it! HE LOVES YOU and wants you to be free. just talk to him. HE IS THE ONLY ONE THAT WILL BE ABLE TO HELP YOU! GOD BLESS YOU! ❤❤❤
Jesus saved me too, when I’m depressed and suicidal he’s the only thing that I have to hold on too. Nothing in this world will ever make you feel complete except him. ALL you have to do is say “Jesus forgive me of my sins, come into my heart” and he will change you for the better.
AMEN! HE IS AS FAR AS THE MENTION OF HIS NAME! 🥰🥰🥰 i am fully and completely inlove with a MAN and i am not ashamed to say so! The answer to all of lifes problems are In THE BIBLE! Praying for you dont know who you are u just showed up on my time line for the first time today. Dont believe it’s coincidence GOD BLESS YOU!!!
She's such a dummy! At this point. There's not much sympathy or empthay one can give anymore when she keeps continuing the same behavior. She's basically destroying herself!!!
This man literally injected her with heroin for the first time. She herself admitted she'd never do that to someone else, because she knows how it will ruin their life. It's like she herself forgets this man literally RUINED HER LIFE
@@SilverstreamPJ28 it’s time for accountability. Stop. That “it’s okay it’s not your fault” won’t help her. She already said she wanted to do heroin. Stop it.
You responded to a insta comment of mine 3 years ago asking if inpatient was worth it. I’m 3 years sober now. Your impact is so instrumental you have no idea ❤️
The worst part of depression is the wasted time, man. It's brutal. Your comment about not existing for 3 years is so true, that's exactly what it's like.
@@Mindfulnessbasadoenevidencia I say it's wasted because life keeps going on around you but you're not there for it. I'm talking about years & years slipping through your fingers. Your kids grow up without you. Your friends move on. You can never get that stuff back.
"Always remember that going through hard times is a part of life, and a part of life is going through hard times." Depending on the perspective, I realise that quote can sound quite dismissive, but for me, I take a lot of comfort in it. Even when things are hard and I'm struggling to get even the most basic task done, it's still a part of life. I'm still living.
Nobody truly knows the extent of narcissistic abuse. He really did a number on her. I know this because it’s been almost 4 years for me and I’ve not moved on yet, I’ve not even considered it. It’s like that trauma bond never ends. You’re actually terrified to be happy. You feel like you’re doing something wrong. Plus she’s dealing with addiction. It’s a beast.
Also I’m sorry for judging the JC refollowing situation so harshly, & not giving any nuance to how you came of age in your years with him. I have an ex friend who I’ve recently been talking to where we both struggled with addiction of Xanax & were bad influences to each other towards to end of what started as a beautiful long relationship since highschool, before the drugs were even a thought. I want you to heal & am happy to see you realize you have a life worth living on UA-cam or not.
just be happy u r so blessed born beautiful declutter anything u haven't touch for 3 months get rid of it clutter cause depression. stay away from people who drinks and eats junk they have bad microbiome u have to have good microbiome to have empathy. trust God he has the best man for you. happiness is all about loving yourself eat as healthy as u can.
You’re not alone Taylor. I’ve been sober from heroin for almost 7 years but the depression and anxiety are still there. It’s all taken so much of my life. I wish I could be different. I hope it gets better for you ❤
@@FlipX100 I got pregnant and went to a rehab facility for pregnant women and their children. I stayed there for 14 months from 2016 to 2017. It was no longer just my life in danger, I had someone else to think about. And being her mother is what keeps me sober.
@@FlipX100 I've been a heroin addict for 8 years. But I took crack for the first time a year ago and I didn't brush my hair but still showered. Didn't brush it for 8 months had to shave it cos there was no way the knots were gonna come out. I feel so ugly and disgusting wish has increased my heroin and crack intake. I've never been depressed but that crack really fucked me. 10 grand savings went in 6 months
God, hearing you talk about your own depression feels like you're pulling my own thoughts out of my head. Take your time Taylor. Healing is never a straight line. The only "right" way to do anything is what works for YOU. 🖤
Seriously everything she said I feel like I've thought the exact same things...the not remembering thinking or how you used to function before substance abuse in younger years....feeling like you're not existing in the present moment...I'm a mom to 4 kids and I have animals, and you'd think with kids, on top of everything, would change all of that but I think it just makes everything worse, everything harder, regardless of how much I love my kids and animals...I feel like I've been stuck since 2016.
@@breezyncj I got my first cat to help with the dissociation. But instead I just autonomously fed, played, watered, and repeat, for years until I finally pulled myself out. I'm glad I got him though bc otherwise I'd be bedridden. That feeling once you realize how long you went on autopilot.... It's so scary but I'm glad I realized eventually
You sound so self aware in comparison to your past self and that in itself is huge! I hope even on your worst days you can pat yourself on the back and say “at least I can recognise what I’m feeling compared to before” because you seem to have developed loads even during this dark time of your life. Well done for being so candid, pushing yourself through the grief and darkness you’re feeling. I think you are doing so well! Wish you so much love!
When I was using, I felt so productive and motivated. Now that I’m sober I’ve been in a deep depression going on almost two years. Everyday is a struggle. I hope you just take it minute by minute. It’s ok to not be ok. Take care of you.
@@VoiceForTheSilenced dudeeee me too like I’m like “shittt I got so much to handle” and get overwhelmed and stay in bed thinking about the fact that I have so much to do but not doing it 😭
I found this quote that really helped me recently, it's exactly what you're saying. "Bad days don't erase your progress". We can't go back to who we were in the past, but we can grow into a better version of ourselves. You got this Taylor, it just has to be at your own pace. 💕
Welcome to sobriety girl. You need something bigger and beyond yourself and your animals. Community service is the only thing that saved me from depression and obsessive thoughts.
Well for some animals really do the trick.. for me they do, and community service isnt really working about and for yourself, i agree on the fact that it helps other people and people that feel good doing things for other people, but if your not a ppl person then it won't.. so for me personally, animals are better than the best antidepressants (havent veen able to find the right one in 12 years so you gotta do something right ;-) ) but im glad it worked out for you!!😊
Omg Taylor if you're reading this, I second it! It may be hard to find the right niche for you but volunteering is so so soooooo meaningful and rewarding. I'd possibly recommend an animal shelter or a women's shelter (animal shelter is a bit easier not gonna lie) Or if you have the capability of being a foster parent to animals that could be great too.
@@Wendy88NL yeah there are plenty of ways to serve the community that don't involve directly helping people! Volunteering at an animal shelter giving animals love, there are lots of different ways to help the community. I had a really hard life. I left home at 17 ended up homeless on the streets. I never thought I was a people person. And then I started volunteering with hospice a couple times a week for 3 hours each 5 years ago. And it changed my entire life. For the first time my life I felt like I had a sense of purpose I had people who were counting on me. Who needed me. And it changed my entire life. I ended up becoming an in-home geriatric nurse I am happily married to literally the best man in the universe. I wasn't really able to let go of my rage towards my parents, my rage towards the world for being so unfair until I redirected it. I stopped focusing on it and focused all of my time and energy on taking care of those less fortunate than myself. I highly recommend every single person who has trauma in their background to start helping others in whatever way you can. If that's animals or volunteering to pick up trash on the side of the road or visiting sick children in the hospital, visiting nursing homes to read to them and give company to them. Whatever it is. There are people out there who NEED you. Who NEED your specific skills and talents for their life to be better. I feel like society focuses too much on the self now. Everyone's obsessed with social media, encouraged to photoshop themselves, encouraged to be materialistic encouraged to throw someone under the bus to make yourself look better. But that won't bring you true happiness. It can't.
It’s refreshing to watch a UA-camr open up about mental health, I know how it feels to be mentally stuck it’s the worst, it makes years feel like a switch and it’s so hard to pull yourself out of it and in a way it’s kind of a relief to be able to relate because I don’t feel alone. Wishing you the best😊
Your ex doesn’t define you girl! Don’t let your adult accomplishments be shrouded by that man. He inadvertently encouraged you to ruin your life, that’s someone that doesn’t love you; that’s someone that wanted you to be stooped to their level. But you are better than that! You are getting better for yourself and that’s something that no one can take from you. Take care 😢 and much love from your fellow Texan.
That and/or they want to bring you EVEN LOWER than them so you can now be the scapegoat for all problems ever. Narcissists use it to feel better about themselves and more importantly they use it to make them look better to everyone else simply by comparison. He's not just an addict. That's okay. But he's a Narcissist abuser and lowlife but piece of shit. And I bet many people have botched ar him for it so he wants to use her to defend himself in those arguments. People will also do this cause of some savior complex they have. They wanna be their savior or their knight in shining armor. So they break you down so they can pretend to build you back up and look like a guardian angel. It's so sick and twisted makes me wanna jump off a cliff lol
I love the rawness. People need to see this because let me tell you there are more people struggling with the same thing then we think. No one is perfect. Mess or not Taylor we still love you. In all the stages of your life you are still beautiful and worthy. ❤️
I feel this on a deep personal level, Taylor. You showed my life. I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. Depression is fucking hard, man. You showed what my house looks like, explained my feelings to a T, the teeth brushing thing...girl. My heart is with you, reach out please if you need anything.
I loved this update. We're all a work in progress. I'm currently battling some super nasty anxiety paired with panic attacks. Sometimes several in a single day. And I come from a family of addicts. It is certainly hard and complicated to love someone battling addiction. All we can do is take it one day at a time. Not everyday is going to be a good one, but waking up and trying again the next day is a victory. Sending so much love to you, Taylor, and anyone else on the struggle bus.
I agree with you 100% She needs to get away from that scene.. she needs to find new hobbies and interests Her being in contact with him is the worst possible thing for her
@@bellatrinity8905 I want the best for Taylor, but she seems very self destructive. It seems like she refuses to do what’s healthy for her, and that’s something she needs to work through with a professional.
I agree completely. I don't believe in any extent that getting back in contact with each other did any good. Coming from a terrifyingly similar situation of abvse, I never forgot what Taylor stated and claimed in the now privated video. After my own escape, I did get back in touch for whatever "closure" or familiarity there was with that and all it brought was more pain, but then again I didn't learn that until it was too late. I hope she learns soon, I truly do.
I’m a recovering addict and how you are feeling is exactly how I’ve been feeling for the past few years. Everything seems so unmanageable. I appreciate your transparency. We love you and you are not alone!
i can’t explain the joy i got from you posting again. i’m sorry things are and have been so hard. it’s amazing to see you start to work through it and it’s inspiring for someone like me who is also struggling. it makes me feel like i’m not alone and like i can make it through it too. you’re amazing taylor and i’ve been subscribed since the early days and i think you’re gonna be great. you got this.
Taylor, I’ve been watching your channel since 2015 and I, as well as many others, have always just wanted what’s best for you. I wanted to let you know that YOU helped me through my biggest depression era. When I was 15 I dropped out of school for a while cause it got so bad. I had two comfort UA-camrs that made me feel better. Jenna marbles and you. After watching Jenna leave UA-cam, I got worried that you would too. I got scared seeing all of this unfold for you. I want you to know that no matter what direction you go, you do it for you, because believe it or not you already have made a huge impact on people. A positive one. I’m 20 now and I still have that bell on every time you post. I feel like I’m checking in on a friend. Thank you for being there for everyone, but now you have to focus all that love and care on yourself.
I am so happy to see you. I’ve wondered about you over the past few years. You don’t owe us any sort of explanation because depression is unexplainable. I’m proud of you regardless. ❤
I’ve been following you since the beginning Taylor and you’ve come so far, no matter how long it takes you to post a video I always end up staying tuned and look forward to watching you no matter the topic. You’re so young and wise and have a great head in your shoulders, remind me alot of myself so just take it one day at a time and know we’re still here for you ❤
oh Taylor, my dear. it’s like you’re saying everything that’s been in my head for the last 5-6 years. especially the art and music things, tho they are flipped for me. I hope your self love journey is fulfilling, you deserve it. thanks for letting us back in for a moment~
This is the most genuine video I have seen from you! Even your voice sounds genuine. It's such an amazing feeling to break through when it comes to mental health and addiction. Even if you did relapse you haven't lost your recovery, just continue tomorrow. Maybe that's a controversial way to see it but addiction is no different than any other illness, it needs to be seen the same ❤️
I’ve been following your story for years because of how much I relate to it and this is the first year that I had a breakthrough and started my journey on healing my CPTSD. Thank you for this video. It’s hard to come to the reality of dissociating a lot of your life and being a shell of who you once were. Everything that you say is a reflection and it feels like I’m speaking to myself in a sense and it’s very healing. From one stranger to another im so proud of you!
Also I’ve been misdiagnosed over and over throughout my life (starting at 13 now 27) and a huge awakening for me was reading “the body keeps the score”. Since you mentioned CPTSD and your symptoms are so similar to mine I think it would be a hard but fulfilling read. Looking into internal family systems (part and memory therapy) sounds like would resonate since you speak about the many parts/fragments of your consciousness. I closed my storefront business this year and focused on my CPTSD treatment (also diagnosed ADHD, depression) and psychotherapy (hypnotherapy, parts and memory therapy) has been a huge player in my continuous healing journey. I’ve tried everything and finding a psychotherapist that specializes in trauma is key in my experience now. Much love ❤
It's really nice to see you pop back in! I appreciate your honesty about your depression, I too suffer from the ''embarrassing'' aspects of it like not showering, changing clothes, brushing my hair etc so I find what you said to be so relatable. I too also am a perfectionist that finds it hard to do anything, isolates and ghosts people ... I applaud you overcoming obstacles and taking things on one step and day at a time. I wish you all the very best! ♥ Love and hugs from Australia xox
Its taken me 6 years to get back to some kindof baseline from my heroin addiction. I still have months where i get like stuck in a hole. It is what it is. We just do what we can Taylor. Im glad to see you at least, even if its just venting.
Watching you is such a breath of fresh air. I can relate. i know how it feels to live that secret, double-life. Pretending you’re sober, good, healthy.. aaand you’re not. I’ve been struggling and going to the clinic for the last year. It sucks, I feel alone in my journey. I feel stuck and like I’m not progressing. But it’s nice to hear you talk. Keep fighting. You always touch my heart with your words and just by seeing you continue on ❤️
I’m pissed that I’m only seeing this 2 weeks after upload but I could literally listen to you talk forever. I started watching you when I was addicted to opiates. You inspired me to get a snake, sudoku, who I didn’t take good enough care of and my mom sold her when I got hospitalized. Life has been insane since but coming back to you rn feels so full circle and it’s so weird how the internet works… like I don’t know you at all but I feel like I do, and I know thousands of people feel that same way but man I missed you, WE missed you. We don’t sit and think about the way you say things like your brain thinks we do. Love you Taylor. Your videos were an escape for me then and now this is a brand new moment and I’m grateful for that. Thank you
One quote that's helped me through my experiences with crippling depression is, hilariously, from Animal Crossing: "Remember that the bad times are just times that are bad." Healing isn't linear. Setbacks will happen. Depression is never "cured", but it can become manageable and can be lived with. You are far stronger than you think, even if you don't feel like you are. You survived, and you are surviving. That's all anyone could hope for. Whatever it is you plan to do, whether you stay or move on, I hope you know that you have made people happy, and you have helped people. But now it's time for YOU to find what makes YOU happy. We're proud of you, and we love you. :)
Taylor , you have become a voice for so many people. There are people out there who are suffering, and hearing your story is so encouraging in ways of not feeling alone or giving up. Watching this video makes me feel those things and makes me feel so seen. I've experienced depression in the way you described and mentally how you explained the way you think I think that way as well. Thank you for sharing your life with us ❤️
I have been following you for 4 years now and I know your story through this channel, which brings me to the point that you are strong girl and I am glad that you are taking your time and exploring this phase of depression. Stay strong and stay blessed. Lots of courage and love from a silent subscriber.
even just your ability to talk about everything shows so much strength, i hope you know that most of us here are just here to support you because we enjoy and appreciate anything you put out into the world! you're inherently valuable & we dont need a perfect schedule from you! it's been so awesome to see your recovery even if its not done & taking so much more time than expected, youre an inspiration even if you dont feel like it edit: your reminder about healing not being linear is something i wish id also understood much earlier when i was dealing with flares in my chronic pain, thankfully its been manageable recently but it absolutely frustrated/frustrates me when it comes back because i feel like ive 'fixed it' but no, it wont be fixed, it will just be better most days, my anchor has been the bible & i hope you find one too whether its spiritual or a person or a hobby, we really do need something outside ourselves to hold to when our brains suck
I’m currently in recovery myself from heroin and opiate use. You’ve got his girl remember to take care of yourself. It’s funny how the word works I literally thought about you today and this video was posted. You need to surround yourself with people who love you and want to see you succeed. Isolation is the number one reason for relapse. Getting out into the word without drugs when it was your everything is hard. It was the only relationship I had for years. Keep fighting girl the world is beautiful and you Deserve to live that own life.
Dude I always thought it was just me that thought like this…now this gave me a reason to get more mental health care. Thank you and thank you for making others feel not so alone❤️
I just want to say... you are certainly not alone. I, too have lived stagnant for the past few years- not going outside, not caring for myself, and in a perpetual state of worry and self-hate for not being who I was or think I *should* be as well. Inevitably, not having the mental capacity to care for oneself like that also leads to confidence & self-worth issues, only deepening the abyss of what is such a depressive state. It’s honestly wild hearing my own 3-year long experience being spoken to me from someone else’s mouth, all while it not actually being about me. It’s freeing in a way to know that I am not some freak or anomaly. These things are so hard to talk and be open about, and holy crapoli do I commend and respect you dearly. I always have. These things don’t even take baby steps- they take FETAL steps, but every single one counts- even if that step is just an epiphany. Sending you so much love, sweet human. THANK YOU for sharing yourself with us. 🤍❤️🤘🏼
Proud of how far you’ve come and how much farther you’ll get. Glad to hear from you once again. Remember that just getting up from bed , brushing your teeth, changing your clothes ,etc. is a huge accomplishment! I hope to see you thrive and grow to love yourself the way we all love you as a person. 🫶🏼
What sucks is that a lot of people with depression (myself included) go through rough times thinking it will end eventually. There are days, weeks, or months when we feel happy, functional, and better. And we think that our depression is over. And it sucks because there really is no promise of better or happiness. I hope that your good days are good and your bad days are survivable. Love you, Taylor.
I struggle with depression and have been hospitalized and in residential homes because of it now at 18 I still struggle with depression anxiety and substance abuse I’m so glad your taking each day at a time your truly a beautiful wonderful person you are so strong thank you for helping me with my journey :)
I know this was posted a long time ago but you have no idea how much you have helped me taylor, I loved you so much and what happened to you broke my heart. I actually went threw the same thing. I've always wondered why I like you so much and why I look up to you so much and it's because we are so so much alive without ever even knowing each other, I feel like your me, not in a weird way but because we grew up the same, went threw the same addiction and pretty much the same relationship and you just exactly described how I have been feeling and I had no idea how to even explain it. Thank you so much for being you, you have no idea how much you have helped me. If you ever see this I would love to talk to you if possible, I would love to have a friend I can be open and honest with as I don't have any and I genuinely feel like we could learn from one another. Thank you for being you and always remember your more than worth it. You have made such a impact on so so Mulan people.
Don’t ever feel like you 100% owe us an explanation for when you don’t post. Taking care of yourself is more important and we will understand if you take a break ❤❤❤❤
Stay strong sis you are going to get through this rollercoaster of life- some of us struggle more than others, but you will prevail!! Your an amazing soul inside and out, keep shining like the light in darkness. These difficult times make us stronger and become part of your story ❤
i hope you will continue to make videos just simply talking about your mental health more often. I’m so proud of you trying to pick yourself back up and I know you’ve been trying your best. I’ve watched you over the years I’ve never stop loving watching you. i think you are one of the prettiest girls I’ve never seen and I really mean it truly. Please feel better we will always be proud of you. Please see your worth in this world and how much of a difference you made in all of your viewers! ❤
Thank you for sharing that. I know the struggle unfortunately. I've dealt with anxiety and depression too. I know what a life killer it can be. One of the worst parts for me is the loneliness. Feeling like nobody else feels like this, why do I? Feeling that nobody could possibly understand. I'm so sorry that you're experiencing this but at the same time I'm grateful to you for sharing your story. It helps to know there is someone out there who understands. I've enjoyed your videos over the years, thank you for doing what you do and for letting me be a very small of it. Don't give up. You're worth it.
Warning: Really long comment. I really appreciate you talking about your life experiences and dealing with depression and anxiety. I have also dealt with both depression and anxiety severely. I got so depressed in like 10th grade in highschool through early college. I didn't have any motivation I just wanted to die and felt like nobody would care. I felt so worthless and like I had no purpose. On top of it I also experience anxiety and it could/does get debilitating at times. I have always gone through life at a slower pace than my peers and it heavily weighs on me nonstop and I think about it nonstop. I had to be put in resource classes when I transitioned from private to public school. I don't adjust to change very easily and it takes me longer. I have gotten better with it but it is still a struggle and a challenge for me. I graduated from highschool and started college and didn't really know what I wanted to do. I failed alot of classes and just started getting so frustrated and getting depressed. I then left college and just worked for like 3-4 years and been in an out of college. I have ended up changing my mind many times. I see friends and other people who have graduated college and are married and have good careers and I just feel so stuck and like a failure. I constantly compare my situation in life to others and it makes me miserable and it just is a never ending downward spiral. I still live with my parents and want to be on my own but with how expensive cost of living and the inflation it is not financially feasible. I am currently doing an online aquarium maintenance program while working full time because I have always loved fish and want a career doing what I love with fish. I often worry about this current venture falling through because my previous ventures did. I just hate this phase it is so uncomfortable and anxiety inducing. Transitioning from childhood to adulthood has been so difficult for me and I'm sure it is for many others but so many people make it look easy. This in turn of course makes me feel negatively about myself like why am I having such a hard time with this. My anxiety about being around larger gatherings and the small talk questions like "what do you do?" "are you in college?" just make me so uncomfortable because I feel embarrassed about where I am in life. I get so anxious about certain events and things that I just avoid them and don't make myself present. I may seem fine on the outside but internally my mind is going through so many negative thoughts. Also sometimes I can just get really irritable and lash out and that is just my anxiety. Other times I get really quiet and disconnect from people around me like a switch just turns off and I isolate myself. My anxiety gets so bad at times that I get physically sick and lose all my energy. I am very closed off with most people because I have been hurt by people in the past so I have major trust issues and it is hard for me to get personal with people now. I have like maybe 2 friends who I consider in my inner circle. It is very easy to feel isolated and alone but we have to remind ourselves that there are other people who struggle in similar areas. It can be very painful and difficult to share these deep issues but doing so really can help others. Thank you so much for sharing this with us Taylor. I hope this helps someone.
I relate so much to your story. It’s crazy how when I read your story I have a lot of empathy for you but none for myself. I believe in you stranger… you’ll figure it out. Good luck with your aquarium dream 💕
I relate a lot to you, always comparing myself to how others are doing, I want you to know that it’s great that you’re learning online to do what you love to do, take it one day at a time and you will feel it come together
Dont feel pressured to come back babygirl!! If being on the internet is hard for you and your recovery its understandable!! It would have been for me and it was hard without it. Maybe just let us know your alive once a while :) we do care about you and want you to take all the time you need to get better, and to just have a happy life
This video was cathartic to watch for me because I face similar struggles to you :( Ive seen ppl that talk about and show symptoms of depression like not showering and having trouble cleaning a space being harassed and bullied by tons of people. I even see people who are fairly progressive on other issues denigrating and ridiculing others posting about more severe depression symptoms. It often makes me feel like I'm failing at being depressed in the "right way", like these difficulties are not caused by mental illness but by me just being a terrible person. I really appreciate you mentioning more severe symptoms, it means a lot to me to hear someone with a platform speak candidly about it. This made me feel less alone in my struggles, and brings some comfort in a distressing situation. Sorry for the long comment, I wish that youll make progress in your recovery and find some fulfilling things to do ❤️❤️❤️
Facing myself my codependency and mental issues this year as been the hardest part of whole 28 years I've been on this earth. Yesterday I had the courage to brake up with my boyfriend of the six past years who was emotionally unavailable and sometime abusive, I still unconditionally love him, so this hits right in those feels. I'm proud you had the courage to post, it's difficult to take actions and mostly accountability, even tho it might not have brought you joy your video felt like a warm hug to me it's sweet to know your not alone. Status quo is comfortable but lead me nowhere I truly hope all of us here can find purpose in going forward.
i deeply appreciate you discussing your depression. i personally struggle with depression and you talking about how your brain is never ever empty now is exactly how i feel and you described it so perfectly. it’s super hard to never get a break. again, thank you so much for sharing and for putting how i feel into words. take care taylor
Taylor! I never comment on videos but just have to tell you how happy I am to see you. Been watching you for years and deeply relate to you in SO many ways (severe mental health issues, addiction, abuse, same age, and even also have chronic health issues the same as you EDS, POTS..) and to hear you be so brave and honest with how you're feeling and what you're going thru means the whole world because a lot of these feelings I've never known how to express or thought other people felt the EXACT way. Wow I really hope you can see how important and special of a person you are and how much you mean to the world. I believe in you and just know that there are people out here that really do understand and going thru the same thing and the huge impact just you talking about it makes. I support you all the way and I hope you stay true to you and post and share exactly what you want to! We care about YOU, not just the animals. We are here for you and I am wishing the best for you every single day. We can get thru this and it means the world to know we all aren't fighting alone no matter how much it feels that way. Sending all my love! You are truly cared for.
I came across your story in the Vice piece, and it hit hard. Not because I’ve had any substance abuse, but because my depression is often shackling me. I’ve destroyed my life and am now trying to pick up the pieces, at 35 years old. I’d be lying if I said I’m excited because of how good I’m doing, because I often feel like a failure and a disappointment. But I have to remember that recovery takes as long as if needs. That’s it. Thanks for your update, I’m glad you’re doing well and I’m sincerely happy I found your channel. ❤
This is refreshing honestly I'm happy to see you Taylor and I'm wishing you all the best. We're close in age and with simular life experiences unfortunately so I fully understand how you feel right now, some days I only get out of bed to go to work and keep a roof over my dogs heads, I genuinely don't think I'd be alive if it weren't for the dogs, then I come home take care of them and lay in my messy floor until I need to get up the next day. Fighting a war against yourself is incredibly difficult sometimes we just need to take it one minute at a time because even hours get overwhelming.
Hi taylor Been watching you since 2017 I did not even notice that it was that long until now honestly, you taking a break from youtube really made me sad there are times I check your channel 2-3 times a day thinking my notification bell is not working then I was so happy to find you on instagram but got sad about the thing you’re going through. But just so you know I still look up to you I wanna live a life that you have with your animals I believe in you taylor I believe that you can get over this and live a long beautiful life I still remember my grade 9 self memorizing your animals name to a piece of notebook. You can’t imagine how happy am I seeing this video that you uploaded again. But then again you can do it I’m soo proud of the every little thing you do. Baby steps are progress too! Loveyou tay❤
I'm a forty-year-old woman and I've loved your videos since you first started. I also live with chronic illness and disability and trauma, and I also find my joy in animals. I think that how your expressed yourself in this video is really important, and I think that you're about to find a new way to think about life and yourself. It's never about getting better. That's never a guarantee. It's about learning to count spoons, learning how to weave a web of interdependence with other people, learning how to value your ideas and interests and thoughts. Forget about getting better. Just think about ways of making life livable. It took me a long time, and honestly, my body just keeps falling apart, but I'm so much better at life. I am so good at connecting to people now, so good at recognizing my windows of productivity, so good at taking myself seriously. Know that these wonderful things await you. All my love to you, Taylor, from Crip Mom.
I appreciate your authenticity so much and I can relate to the embarrassment of depression so much also the identity issues, thank you for being so vulnerable publicly - it truly does help people to hear your experience and know we're not alone. Stay strong 💖✨ much love
Was very glad to see you posted bc you’ve been in my thoughts recently. I feel it in my bones that you’re gonna find a way forward no matter what- you strike me as a fighter. If you love music and want to pursue it, I highly recommend music lessons. Not only will you learn & grow but it’s good to have a routine to look forward to. And once you start to make progress, it’s so rewarding ❤
I'm slowly coming out of a depression episode right now. This resonates on deep levels with me. Ik u probably felt anxious about uploading this video but I think I really needed to hear this. Thank you for being honest about your experience. The only constant is change, so let us both embrace that. Sending love to u
GIRL REDOING IT ALL 100 TIMES. I CANNOT BELIEVE IT😩🙌🏻 YOU ARE A CHAMPION!!!👏🏻 when things like that happen to me it devastates me and I often give up. it takes SO MUCH to continue after things like that happen, so to use all your mental and physical strength to do it and then the light dies? cue the crying on the floor😩😂 I AM SO PROUD YOU DID THIS, IT MOTIVIATES ME AND MAKES ME FEEL LIKE I CAN PUSH MYSELF TO DO STUFF TOO!!! GREAT JOB TAYLOR!!!
I used to be extremely depressed and someone told me you get depressed when you stop being thankful. I felt mocked and didn't understand how I could have anything to be thankful for. Over the years I started to understand this more and more. That person was right. You always have something to be thankful for. Always. Each breath holds so much incredible value.
that’s cool and all if only depression was just a mindset and not a literal disorder. it is something that comes and goes. you start to feel more “thankful” when the episode passes.
@@ticcitoasty why are you so pressed though, extremally passive aggressive comment- relax. Everyone has a diff yet valid way of looking at/handling their depression and once again its all valid. Some people help it pass by reminding themselves to be thankful they are physically able to go outside and enjoy fresh air- then that leads to the step of actually doing that- I know for a fact that works for me- I dont want to go outside I dont want to do ANYTHING but ill remind myself that God (my belief- not pushing it on you) made this whole amazing gorgeous world and allows me to be a part of it so I'll push myself to go outside and enjoy it and then I start to feel a bit better. It might take a week or two but when I do start to remember to be grateful it really helps.
@@Dee-zx9zmthat probably works because your depression don't seem to come from total hopelessnes or anger. I, for instance, believe in God and I believe in reincarnation (eternal life), so it would be impossible for me to truly die, even if I want to. I'm forced to be alive and suffer weather I want it or not, it's just how life goes. So I can recognize all the beauty in nature, the goodness in people and all things God give me to help me evolve. But I can't feel thankful for any of it, because the pain is too dooming, and I can only see pain forever and ever, knowing that it is my own fault, wich only makes it worst, ultimately leading me to revolt against God, cause He won't even let me kill myself and end this suffering. Even consciously knowing that God is kind, and loves me, and all the suffering has a purpose, and if I suffer without complaining I'll be happy in the future, deep down I just cannot truly believe it. How can I believe I'll be happy someday if I've never been happy before? I don't know what happiness is. I recognize all the privileges I have in life, all the good things, but I would still give it all up if I could just end it all. For me life is just not worth it, it's too painful. I would rather not exist. So I can't be thankful. Since I have no choice, I keep living and working and trying to please God's will, so my life has a chance of that happiness Jesus promised us. But it is solely for obligation, I say thanks because I have to, but I don't feel it, I don't know how to feel it. Just do it because there is no other way, God won't let me perish. Somehow God takes care of me, I've got better in the last few years of this, since I stopped fighting so much and accepted I cannot die and I will just suffer forever until God decides it's enough. But being thankful is DEFINITELY not a choice. No emotion or feeling is a choice. You cannot choose to be thankful. You just are, and when you forget, you remind yourself, as you very well said. But if you aren't, there is nothing you can do, besides keep going, even if angry, even disagreeing, sad and hopeless. Depressed forever, until God decides I won't be anymore, or something else happens in my life to change my feelings or point of view. Because it's impossible to change those things by yourself. That's why depressed people can get so mad when seeing frases like this "you are only depressed when you stop being thankful", because we want to be thankful and not feel like shit, but we just can't, it's not a choice. It's very frustrating to think you are making yourself feel miserable on purpose, you are even more of a failure cause you can't be thankful and can't stop being depressed just like that. It makes us mad. It's triggering to be reminded you are stuck in this situation by your own fault. It's pointless to judge anyone for being passive-agressive about this. They are already in deep shit. Just be happy you are not in a similar situation, be happy you get to feel good and thankful. Being angry and frustrated sucks, no one likes it.
Don't put pressure on yourself to get things perfect before filming or post on a regular schedule. The people who are still watching are happy to watch whatever you want, whenever you want to post it. You're not letting anyone down. And I think a podcast might be a really good idea, because it doesn't matter if you don't have the motivation to get dressed or brush your teeth or put on makeup, no one can see you! I've also struggled with depression for years and this video was actually really helpful, because you always look so beautiful and that seemed so unattainable for me. I'm currently a week into not showering and I don't have the energy to change that, and while I wouldn't wish it on anyone, it's kind of nice to know that you're going through the same thing. That it probably costs you a lot of energy to try to look that good. It makes me feel like I can do it too :)
I absolutely love how real and honest you are in this video!! I totally can understand and relate to everything you say.. you say you felt like you had to do something to make everyone’s lives better but what you may not realize is that telling your story like this is SO helpful to so many people just to make them feel less alone and ashamed for going through the same things. THANK YOU!
As someone who has been going in and out of depression since being 13 years old, and who has been stuck in the worst yet for 8 months now, I’m so sorry you have to go through this. I’m still trying to figure ot how to get out myself, so I won’t pretend I know anything that helps or that I know what the purpose of doing stuff is. I don’t. All I can say is I love you and I hope we can eventually learn to at least find happiness in existing. Thank you for posting, Taylor ❤ Edit: Just finished watching the video, and just wanted to say I enjoy listening to you talk about whatever, so don’t feel pressured to make videos about anything specific, and I’m all for it if you decide to start a podcast. You do you, always 🖤
Welcome to the other side. It's a great place to be! The other side of addiction is a place we work every day to stay in..you can do this, you got it. I see you, we all see you! Thank you for letting us see your journey!
You do you girl, there are people who love you regardless and appreciate all of your life experience stories and can relate to a few, some or more than just some. Love you!❤
Taylor this is the most validating thing I have ever seen as you are the first to share a couple experiences that I have. You are so strong for sharing this and opening yourself up. So I figured I would share to help you know you're not alone (this is just my personal experience which I felt was similar and it is not me pushing you to do anything at all). Depression is the worst thing ever. At the worst of it, I just like you would pee in cups and throw it out. I was just naked half the time because all my clothes were filthy, it was unacceptable. All I could muster with my energy was to take care of my pet fish. I struggled so much with the not living in the moment feeling you expressed here., I couldn't get over how everyone else was perceiving the moment, and being on constant high alert. After years of watching my life wiz by feeling overwhelmed by everything happening, I saw a therapist who helped me discover it was an anxiety disorder mixed with PTSD from past abuse. I have since worked on meditation, mindfulness, and self-respect. Realizing I am Important and truly believing it was the biggest step in recovery for me. I'm still working on it and have had rough days. It has been 4 years since the diagnosis and I'm still getting there, but I'm so happy I didn't give up when I was at my lowest, no matter how much I wanted to.
i’ve been watching you since i was 11 years old. i’m now almost 18 and i get so so excited when i see a new video. i was diagnosed with anxiety and depression at 12, and adhd at 16. i hope you get the help you need even though sometimes it feels like nothing will help and you’ll forever feel this way. we got this ❤️ you are so beautiful
I feel like you truly understand where I am in life right now. I too am at this level of depression, and have had a hard time feeling okay with my mess. I've been this way for just over four years and it feels really hopeless. I really hope we get better someday.
i’ve watched you my whole life you’ve always been the biggest inspiration and about 2 months ago i overdosed pretty badly on a variety of drugs and since i’ve been struggling so so much with getting my life back together, just like you said some days it’s hard to even get out of bed to go to the bathroom. sharing your experience is the most vulnerable thing ever, i wish i could be open with my family and friends about how hard daily life is. it’s always been a huge struggle even before but obviously putting such a strain on my body and mind made it worse. i’m proud to say tho that since i haven’t taken anything since. you probably get this a lot but your truly such a strong person, and i think your incredible. ❤
Taylor I’ve watched your animal videos since I was 10, I’m 15 now and I’m so happy your back again! I’ve watched your videos over and over again because you make me laugh each and every single time. You can do this!!
You scared me for a bit there, thought you were gone or something, to see that you were going through so much at a point in my life where YOU were helping me get out of the things I was going through is so heartbreaking, I always have been and always will be a supporter of you, it’s ok to not be ok, take baby steps and I wish for you to live a long healthy and beautiful life. During your absence I dm’d you on Ig (knowing full well you wouldn’t see them lol) with words of encouragement, I’d love to see you back fully again but don’t rush it, we will always be here for you .❤
You have no idea how relatable all of this is. I don’t know if you’ve read Childhood Disrupted or The Body Keeps the Score but those books really helped me identify why I feel and think certain things. They talk about different therapies that are helpful too, like EMDR and biofeedback, or even just yoga. Regular talk therapy might not be as helpful if you have trouble staying present in the moment (like I do).
Hang in there. Life is hard sometimes but you have fans like myself that want to see you continue to succeed the and out of the depression runt for good. Rooting for ya. Long time fan.
I also struggle with CPTSD and this last year has been one of the worst of my life but I started doing EMDR therapy which is great for people with PTSD. I can say that I’ve made life changing progress in just the last 5 months from it, maybe it’s something that would be helpful for you too. It’s worth looking into at least. ❤
Me tooo!!!!! I’m on year 3 now of EMDR for PTSD myself and it’s changed my life. I’m not where I want to be, but it’s a hell of a lot closer than I ever thought was possible. I pray the same for you!!!!! Stick with it, I promise there’s peace and you will find it ❤
My aunt did EMDR to cope with PTSD she developed from the death of her daughter, and also said it changed her life. I'm glad it works well for so many people, that's wonderful. 💗
Please remember that there are probably thousands of people watching this who love and support you in your journey and who get more out of your content than you will ever know, but who are just like you and don’t have the energy to comment lmao but they still love you and are here for you and happy to see you back ❤️❤️❤️ I just mean that even all the lovely comments still don’t even capture how many people love you and want to see you win and be happy 💕💕💕 Love you always and forever girl, you don’t have to be anything more than you 💖
Thank you for speaking the truth and the reality of life! Takes a lot of courage to show who you really are and I feel you try to really be honest and I applaud you I’m rooting for you. Love you.
Kinda wild. I was just checking your accounts the other day because I noticed I hadn't seen you in a while. Glad to see you again. Just know that we may not know you personally or understand what you're going through, but you're still on our minds. I hope it gets better.
That’s it! Engage in a new beginning, just like you said when the channel first started. It has come full circle and you will be reborn. Sending love 🤍
I’ve followed you since you started your channel. You were the one who got me to realize I had Ehlers Danlos Syndrome which I will forever be grateful for. It’s crazy hearing you dealing with a lot of the same issues I have. I’m so thankful for you❤️
I want to thank you that you found the courage to show your personal notes and your stuff 2:58 and that you talked openly about your depression to the public!❤ I myself suffer from depression and anxiety disorder for 6th year now (I'm 23). This year I really suffered from repeated depressions from depressions, because even tho I was trying so hard to get better I was still falling back to basics (my day goals: try to get from bed before 1pm, feed my pets, have at least two meals a day, try to do one productive thing and brush my teeth ). I felt so bad that from all that effort came just these base care things. And I felt more bad, because a lot of people don't know or don't understand how much of effort I have to take to make these basic things. The worst moments are when people try to advise you and from that advice you can feel how they don't believe you do your best with the will and power you have at that time.. I too try to spread information about depression so people would understand and stopped being so judgemental. But often that explaining drains power from me (when those people are not so empathic or just can't understand even a little - but can't blame them. I think people who've never experienced depression can't never fully understand it and for that, In a way, I envy them.) Because of that I really appreciate you did this video. That you brought our difficult life - people with depression - closer to the public. I believe you made at least one person to be more understanding of this topic and the next time he/she will meet someone w depression he/she will be more empathic and compassionate. Sending love to all people with this burden we have to live with.🖤🖤🖤 Be strong and don't give up! Even if it's really fcked up and tiring thing to live with. Life has still so much to offer.
Thank you so much for sharing what you’re going through with us. I relate to what you’ve said so so much in my own trauma and recovery. Thanks for helping me feel less alone ❤
What you said about being in the moment resonates so much. I am stuck in the constant anxious thoughts and genuinely don’t know how to be present in the moment not worrying about anything.
I completely identify with your situation, sadly. Depression is such a giant monster it scares me sometimes. I hope anyone who sees it know that they're not alone. You're not alone. Other people go through these horrible things too.
UA-cam LIMITED MY ADS SO THIS VIDEO IS DEFINITELY GONNA BE SUPRESSED OH WELL.
Also, it’s so minor, but there were some typos in the notes I used in the opening, and it drives me nuts that I didn’t fix it in the editing lol (example: “except” instead of “accept”) but oh well lol. Thanks so much for checking out the video. Due to all the issues I had filming, it’s nowhere near the quality I wanted it to be, but all my future videos will have better audio, lighting, and overall production :) I just wanted to go ahead and get SOMETHING up.
OH, AND IMPORTANT REMINDER: If you guys liked the music used in the intro and outro of this video, my best friend made it! I’m really happy she was open to letting me use it because I think she’s super talented. pls support her on soundcloud so she can explore this passion of hers further! She really deserves it.
Soundcloud: soundcloud.com/kassi-kay-40495819
Song Used in Opening: on.soundcloud.com/Rmm4c
Song Used in Outro: on.soundcloud.com/yowkM
Taylor look where you've been, look where you are and if there isn't a miraculous change where are you going? I am bi-polar 2 and have suffered from bouts of depression for over 20 years. Whether you have believed, never believed or have been a staunch atheist but my best recommendation is to go to a non-denominational Christian Church and let Jesus into your life. He loves you and always will. There is a way out of the hole you're in and it's not a drug, hair color, tattoo, piercing, boyfriend... It is Good. The only God, the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. Please give it a try. Please do not confuse a non-denominational church is any old church. It's not the Roman Catholic Church or the Baptist or Episcopal Church or many others. It is a Bible believing church based solely on the Word of God as communicated through the Bible. It is not based on the rules of men it is God's Words and no one else's. Please try it, you may find the peace that evades you.
Hey I just want to say that I'm so sorry for what you're going through. You're such an inspiration though even if you don't feel like it sometimes. You've been such an inspiration to me! I was suffering from severe depression too and I started volunteering with hospice. Just twice a week for 3 hours and it changed my entire life. For the first time in my life I felt like I had a purpose that there were people counting on me. And now 5 years later I'm an in-home geriatric nurse. I highly recommend volunteering. Because nothing gets you out of your own head and thinking about your own problems and hopelessness and despair then helping other people truly. You might have to volunteer a few places before you find where you really fit. But I highly recommend just trying to volunteer for a couple hours every week ❤️ and you aren't a failure! You're a wonderful person and as long as you trying even if trying is just being able to brush your teeth that day and nothing else you should be proud. ❤️ I'm very proud of you.
Maybe you should talk to GOD. JESUS saved me from my depression. I wanted to hang my self. And he freed me from it! HE LOVES YOU and wants you to be free. just talk to him.
HE IS THE ONLY ONE THAT WILL BE ABLE TO HELP YOU! GOD BLESS YOU! ❤❤❤
Jesus saved me too, when I’m depressed and suicidal he’s the only thing that I have to hold on too. Nothing in this world will ever make you feel complete except him. ALL you have to do is say “Jesus forgive me of my sins, come into my heart” and he will change you for the better.
AMEN! HE IS AS FAR AS THE MENTION OF HIS NAME! 🥰🥰🥰 i am fully and completely inlove with a MAN and i am not ashamed to say so! The answer to all of lifes problems are
In THE BIBLE! Praying for you dont know who you are u just showed up on my time line for the first time today. Dont believe it’s coincidence GOD BLESS YOU!!!
Your relationship didn't "end" bad. It WAS bad. He destroyed you. It didn't end on a bad note, he WAS bad. Period.
She's such a dummy! At this point. There's not much sympathy or empthay one can give anymore when she keeps continuing the same behavior. She's basically destroying herself!!!
@@solanum6039 yeah that's trauma bonding for ya -_- trust me it's a real bitch.
But she's staying so...
This man literally injected her with heroin for the first time. She herself admitted she'd never do that to someone else, because she knows how it will ruin their life. It's like she herself forgets this man literally RUINED HER LIFE
@@SilverstreamPJ28 it’s time for accountability. Stop. That “it’s okay it’s not your fault” won’t help her. She already said she wanted to do heroin. Stop it.
You responded to a insta comment of mine 3 years ago asking if inpatient was worth it. I’m 3 years sober now. Your impact is so instrumental you have no idea ❤️
Congrats on 3 years sober!!!!!!
😊😅
very late but congrats on staying sober! its a huge thing and something to be proud of
wow congrats! you got this 💖💖💖
PROUD OF YOU !!!!!! :)
The worst part of depression is the wasted time, man. It's brutal. Your comment about not existing for 3 years is so true, that's exactly what it's like.
@@donovanchilton5817same.
Maybe its not wasted time? Society has taught us that time “down” is wasted. Its instrumental, for healing.
@@Mindfulnessbasadoenevidencia I say it's wasted because life keeps going on around you but you're not there for it. I'm talking about years & years slipping through your fingers. Your kids grow up without you. Your friends move on. You can never get that stuff back.
THIS!! I haven’t moved or been seen in almost 3 years. So much wasted time. 😢
"Always remember that going through hard times is a part of life, and a part of life is going through hard times."
Depending on the perspective, I realise that quote can sound quite dismissive, but for me, I take a lot of comfort in it. Even when things are hard and I'm struggling to get even the most basic task done, it's still a part of life. I'm still living.
Nobody truly knows the extent of narcissistic abuse. He really did a number on her. I know this because it’s been almost 4 years for me and I’ve not moved on yet, I’ve not even considered it. It’s like that trauma bond never ends. You’re actually terrified to be happy. You feel like you’re doing something wrong. Plus she’s dealing with addiction. It’s a beast.
I thought you said no one knows? There are more people than you know that do understand.
@sr6061 i was thinking the same thing.. and a lot of us know because of experience which is truly heartbreaking
Never thought I’d see the day again. I honestly and truly wish the best for you taylor, I want you to live a long beautiful life.
Also I’m sorry for judging the JC refollowing situation so harshly, & not giving any nuance to how you came of age in your years with him. I have an ex friend who I’ve recently been talking to where we both struggled with addiction of Xanax & were bad influences to each other towards to end of what started as a beautiful long relationship since highschool, before the drugs were even a thought. I want you to heal & am happy to see you realize you have a life worth living on UA-cam or not.
just be happy u r so blessed born beautiful declutter anything u haven't touch for 3 months get rid of it clutter cause depression. stay away from people who drinks and eats junk they have bad microbiome u have to have good microbiome to have empathy. trust God he has the best man for you. happiness is all about loving yourself eat as healthy as u can.
@@alwayspeace898 Taylor is not about trusting God
You’re not alone Taylor. I’ve been sober from heroin for almost 7 years but the depression and anxiety are still there. It’s all taken so much of my life. I wish I could be different. I hope it gets better for you ❤
How did you get off? I'm struggling so hard. I haven't showered in 4 weeks
@@FlipX100 I got pregnant and went to a rehab facility for pregnant women and their children. I stayed there for 14 months from 2016 to 2017. It was no longer just my life in danger, I had someone else to think about. And being her mother is what keeps me sober.
@@FlipX100 I've been a heroin addict for 8 years. But I took crack for the first time a year ago and I didn't brush my hair but still showered. Didn't brush it for 8 months had to shave it cos there was no way the knots were gonna come out. I feel so ugly and disgusting wish has increased my heroin and crack intake. I've never been depressed but that crack really fucked me. 10 grand savings went in 6 months
@@FlipX100 Kratom worked for me!!! Use it for 3 months or so and the withdrawals are cake compared to other opiates!
@@tpsin713 no no no! Kratom can be extremely addictive, switching from one addiction to another is not the answer.
God, hearing you talk about your own depression feels like you're pulling my own thoughts out of my head. Take your time Taylor. Healing is never a straight line. The only "right" way to do anything is what works for YOU. 🖤
Seriously everything she said I feel like I've thought the exact same things...the not remembering thinking or how you used to function before substance abuse in younger years....feeling like you're not existing in the present moment...I'm a mom to 4 kids and I have animals, and you'd think with kids, on top of everything, would change all of that but I think it just makes everything worse, everything harder, regardless of how much I love my kids and animals...I feel like I've been stuck since 2016.
@@breezyncj I got my first cat to help with the dissociation. But instead I just autonomously fed, played, watered, and repeat, for years until I finally pulled myself out. I'm glad I got him though bc otherwise I'd be bedridden. That feeling once you realize how long you went on autopilot.... It's so scary but I'm glad I realized eventually
I do know how this goes with these videos that’s why I cry
You sound so self aware in comparison to your past self and that in itself is huge! I hope even on your worst days you can pat yourself on the back and say “at least I can recognise what I’m feeling compared to before” because you seem to have developed loads even during this dark time of your life. Well done for being so candid, pushing yourself through the grief and darkness you’re feeling. I think you are doing so well! Wish you so much love!
When I was using, I felt so productive and motivated. Now that I’m sober I’ve been in a deep depression going on almost two years. Everyday is a struggle. I hope you just take it minute by minute. It’s ok to not be ok. Take care of you.
Same same
I feel the same way
@@gamingkitty1239 It’s frustrating my “baseline” is just wanting to stay in bed all the time.
@@FaviCakes It’s frustrating my “baseline” is just wanting to stay in bed all the time.
@@VoiceForTheSilenced dudeeee me too like I’m like “shittt I got so much to handle” and get overwhelmed and stay in bed thinking about the fact that I have so much to do but not doing it 😭
I found this quote that really helped me recently, it's exactly what you're saying. "Bad days don't erase your progress". We can't go back to who we were in the past, but we can grow into a better version of ourselves. You got this Taylor, it just has to be at your own pace. 💕
Welcome to sobriety girl. You need something bigger and beyond yourself and your animals. Community service is the only thing that saved me from depression and obsessive thoughts.
Russell Brand's awakening youtube channel has been an amazing source for me in recovery btw. Wishing you all the best
Well for some animals really do the trick.. for me they do, and community service isnt really working about and for yourself, i agree on the fact that it helps other people and people that feel good doing things for other people, but if your not a ppl person then it won't.. so for me personally, animals are better than the best antidepressants (havent veen able to find the right one in 12 years so you gotta do something right ;-) ) but im glad it worked out for you!!😊
Omg Taylor if you're reading this, I second it! It may be hard to find the right niche for you but volunteering is so so soooooo meaningful and rewarding. I'd possibly recommend an animal shelter or a women's shelter (animal shelter is a bit easier not gonna lie) Or if you have the capability of being a foster parent to animals that could be great too.
@@Wendy88NL yeah there are plenty of ways to serve the community that don't involve directly helping people! Volunteering at an animal shelter giving animals love, there are lots of different ways to help the community. I had a really hard life. I left home at 17 ended up homeless on the streets. I never thought I was a people person. And then I started volunteering with hospice a couple times a week for 3 hours each 5 years ago. And it changed my entire life. For the first time my life I felt like I had a sense of purpose I had people who were counting on me. Who needed me. And it changed my entire life. I ended up becoming an in-home geriatric nurse I am happily married to literally the best man in the universe. I wasn't really able to let go of my rage towards my parents, my rage towards the world for being so unfair until I redirected it. I stopped focusing on it and focused all of my time and energy on taking care of those less fortunate than myself. I highly recommend every single person who has trauma in their background to start helping others in whatever way you can. If that's animals or volunteering to pick up trash on the side of the road or visiting sick children in the hospital, visiting nursing homes to read to them and give company to them. Whatever it is. There are people out there who NEED you. Who NEED your specific skills and talents for their life to be better. I feel like society focuses too much on the self now. Everyone's obsessed with social media, encouraged to photoshop themselves, encouraged to be materialistic encouraged to throw someone under the bus to make yourself look better. But that won't bring you true happiness. It can't.
Hey bro , on my UA-cam channel i do food reviews while I’m super high 😈
It’s crazy how much potential you have in so many aspects of your life. I can’t wait for you to see it. You are so worthy I love you so much
We love you Taylor. We’re all here for you, no matter what.
for real i don't think you know how much we love you
It’s refreshing to watch a UA-camr open up about mental health, I know how it feels to be mentally stuck it’s the worst, it makes years feel like a switch and it’s so hard to pull yourself out of it and in a way it’s kind of a relief to be able to relate because I don’t feel alone. Wishing you the best😊
A lot of UA-camrs talk about mental health.
UA-camrs always talk about their mental health conditions...it is hardly refreshing or new.
Yeah its so unique 🙄😅
Your ex doesn’t define you girl! Don’t let your adult accomplishments be shrouded by that man. He inadvertently encouraged you to ruin your life, that’s someone that doesn’t love you; that’s someone that wanted you to be stooped to their level. But you are better than that! You are getting better for yourself and that’s something that no one can take from you. Take care 😢 and much love from your fellow Texan.
That and/or they want to bring you EVEN LOWER than them so you can now be the scapegoat for all problems ever. Narcissists use it to feel better about themselves and more importantly they use it to make them look better to everyone else simply by comparison. He's not just an addict. That's okay. But he's a Narcissist abuser and lowlife but piece of shit. And I bet many people have botched ar him for it so he wants to use her to defend himself in those arguments. People will also do this cause of some savior complex they have. They wanna be their savior or their knight in shining armor. So they break you down so they can pretend to build you back up and look like a guardian angel. It's so sick and twisted makes me wanna jump off a cliff lol
It's honestly sad how delusional she is when It comes to Johnny.
I love the rawness. People need to see this because let me tell you there are more people struggling with the same thing then we think. No one is perfect. Mess or not Taylor we still love you. In all the stages of your life you are still beautiful and worthy. ❤️
I feel this on a deep personal level, Taylor. You showed my life. I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. Depression is fucking hard, man. You showed what my house looks like, explained my feelings to a T, the teeth brushing thing...girl. My heart is with you, reach out please if you need anything.
I loved this update. We're all a work in progress. I'm currently battling some super nasty anxiety paired with panic attacks. Sometimes several in a single day. And I come from a family of addicts. It is certainly hard and complicated to love someone battling addiction. All we can do is take it one day at a time. Not everyday is going to be a good one, but waking up and trying again the next day is a victory. Sending so much love to you, Taylor, and anyone else on the struggle bus.
Talking to Jonny again is probably the worst idea of all time…
I agree with you 100% She needs to get away from that scene.. she needs to find new hobbies and interests
Her being in contact with him is the worst possible thing for her
@@bellatrinity8905 I want the best for Taylor, but she seems very self destructive. It seems like she refuses to do what’s healthy for her, and that’s something she needs to work through with a professional.
Oh no Literally just started the video and this comment has me scared
I agree completely. I don't believe in any extent that getting back in contact with each other did any good. Coming from a terrifyingly similar situation of abvse, I never forgot what Taylor stated and claimed in the now privated video. After my own escape, I did get back in touch for whatever "closure" or familiarity there was with that and all it brought was more pain, but then again I didn't learn that until it was too late. I hope she learns soon, I truly do.
Wait I missed this what did she say?
I’m a recovering addict and how you are feeling is exactly how I’ve been feeling for the past few years. Everything seems so unmanageable. I appreciate your transparency. We love you and you are not alone!
i can’t explain the joy i got from you posting again. i’m sorry things are and have been so hard. it’s amazing to see you start to work through it and it’s inspiring for someone like me who is also struggling. it makes me feel like i’m not alone and like i can make it through it too. you’re amazing taylor and i’ve been subscribed since the early days and i think you’re gonna be great. you got this.
Taylor, I’ve been watching your channel since 2015 and I, as well as many others, have always just wanted what’s best for you. I wanted to let you know that YOU helped me through my biggest depression era. When I was 15 I dropped out of school for a while cause it got so bad. I had two comfort UA-camrs that made me feel better. Jenna marbles and you. After watching Jenna leave UA-cam, I got worried that you would too. I got scared seeing all of this unfold for you. I want you to know that no matter what direction you go, you do it for you, because believe it or not you already have made a huge impact on people. A positive one. I’m 20 now and I still have that bell on every time you post. I feel like I’m checking in on a friend. Thank you for being there for everyone, but now you have to focus all that love and care on yourself.
This is very beautifully said, I hope Taylor reads it 🥺
I also relate to your story on many levels, I hope you’re doing well ❤️
If I could like this comment a million times!! Eloquently and lovingly stated! ❤️
I am so happy to see you. I’ve wondered about you over the past few years. You don’t owe us any sort of explanation because depression is unexplainable. I’m proud of you regardless. ❤
I’ve been following you since the beginning Taylor and you’ve come so far, no matter how long it takes you to post a video I always end up staying tuned and look forward to watching you no matter the topic. You’re so young and wise and have a great head in your shoulders, remind me alot of myself so just take it one day at a time and know we’re still here for you ❤
oh Taylor, my dear. it’s like you’re saying everything that’s been in my head for the last 5-6 years. especially the art and music things, tho they are flipped for me. I hope your self love journey is fulfilling, you deserve it. thanks for letting us back in for a moment~
This is the most genuine video I have seen from you! Even your voice sounds genuine. It's such an amazing feeling to break through when it comes to mental health and addiction. Even if you did relapse you haven't lost your recovery, just continue tomorrow. Maybe that's a controversial way to see it but addiction is no different than any other illness, it needs to be seen the same ❤️
Welcome back Taylor❤ we love you, thank you for being so vulnerable with us❤️
I’ve been following your story for years because of how much I relate to it and this is the first year that I had a breakthrough and started my journey on healing my CPTSD. Thank you for this video. It’s hard to come to the reality of dissociating a lot of your life and being a shell of who you once were. Everything that you say is a reflection and it feels like I’m speaking to myself in a sense and it’s very healing. From one stranger to another im so proud of you!
Also I’ve been misdiagnosed over and over throughout my life (starting at 13 now 27) and a huge awakening for me was reading “the body keeps the score”. Since you mentioned CPTSD and your symptoms are so similar to mine I think it would be a hard but fulfilling read. Looking into internal family systems (part and memory therapy) sounds like would resonate since you speak about the many parts/fragments of your consciousness. I closed my storefront business this year and focused on my CPTSD treatment (also diagnosed ADHD, depression) and psychotherapy (hypnotherapy, parts and memory therapy) has been a huge player in my continuous healing journey. I’ve tried everything and finding a psychotherapist that specializes in trauma is key in my experience now. Much love ❤
Glad you can be transparent about your mental health. Proud of you ❤️
She’s *lying*…:)
@@solanum6039 huh?
@@solanum6039 ??
It's really nice to see you pop back in! I appreciate your honesty about your depression, I too suffer from the ''embarrassing'' aspects of it like not showering, changing clothes, brushing my hair etc so I find what you said to be so relatable. I too also am a perfectionist that finds it hard to do anything, isolates and ghosts people ... I applaud you overcoming obstacles and taking things on one step and day at a time. I wish you all the very best! ♥ Love and hugs from Australia xox
Its taken me 6 years to get back to some kindof baseline from my heroin addiction. I still have months where i get like stuck in a hole. It is what it is. We just do what we can Taylor. Im glad to see you at least, even if its just venting.
Watching you is such a breath of fresh air. I can relate. i know how it feels to live that secret, double-life. Pretending you’re sober, good, healthy.. aaand you’re not. I’ve been struggling and going to the clinic for the last year. It sucks, I feel alone in my journey. I feel stuck and like I’m not progressing. But it’s nice to hear you talk. Keep fighting. You always touch my heart with your words and just by seeing you continue on ❤️
Following your abuser on social media is not going to help you heal and move forward
I’m pissed that I’m only seeing this 2 weeks after upload but I could literally listen to you talk forever. I started watching you when I was addicted to opiates. You inspired me to get a snake, sudoku, who I didn’t take good enough care of and my mom sold her when I got hospitalized. Life has been insane since but coming back to you rn feels so full circle and it’s so weird how the internet works… like I don’t know you at all but I feel like I do, and I know thousands of people feel that same way but man I missed you, WE missed you. We don’t sit and think about the way you say things like your brain thinks we do. Love you Taylor. Your videos were an escape for me then and now this is a brand new moment and I’m grateful for that. Thank you
One quote that's helped me through my experiences with crippling depression is, hilariously, from Animal Crossing:
"Remember that the bad times are just times that are bad."
Healing isn't linear. Setbacks will happen. Depression is never "cured", but it can become manageable and can be lived with. You are far stronger than you think, even if you don't feel like you are. You survived, and you are surviving. That's all anyone could hope for.
Whatever it is you plan to do, whether you stay or move on, I hope you know that you have made people happy, and you have helped people. But now it's time for YOU to find what makes YOU happy.
We're proud of you, and we love you. :)
Taylor , you have become a voice for so many people. There are people out there who are suffering, and hearing your story is so encouraging in ways of not feeling alone or giving up. Watching this video makes me feel those things and makes me feel so seen. I've experienced depression in the way you described and mentally how you explained the way you think I think that way as well. Thank you for sharing your life with us ❤️
I have been following you for 4 years now and I know your story through this channel, which brings me to the point that you are strong girl and I am glad that you are taking your time and exploring this phase of depression. Stay strong and stay blessed. Lots of courage and love from a silent subscriber.
even just your ability to talk about everything shows so much strength, i hope you know that most of us here are just here to support you because we enjoy and appreciate anything you put out into the world! you're inherently valuable & we dont need a perfect schedule from you!
it's been so awesome to see your recovery even if its not done & taking so much more time than expected, youre an inspiration even if you dont feel like it
edit: your reminder about healing not being linear is something i wish id also understood much earlier when i was dealing with flares in my chronic pain, thankfully its been manageable recently but it absolutely frustrated/frustrates me when it comes back because i feel like ive 'fixed it' but no, it wont be fixed, it will just be better most days, my anchor has been the bible & i hope you find one too whether its spiritual or a person or a hobby, we really do need something outside ourselves to hold to when our brains suck
I’m currently in recovery myself from heroin and opiate use. You’ve got his girl remember to take care of yourself. It’s funny how the word works I literally thought about you today and this video was posted. You need to surround yourself with people who love you and want to see you succeed. Isolation is the number one reason for relapse. Getting out into the word without drugs when it was your everything is hard. It was the only relationship I had for years. Keep fighting girl the world is beautiful and you Deserve to live that own life.
Dude I always thought it was just me that thought like this…now this gave me a reason to get more mental health care. Thank you and thank you for making others feel not so alone❤️
Thank you for the vulnerability and courage to put this out Taylor, all love and well wishes in your journey! ❤️
I just want to say... you are certainly not alone.
I, too have lived stagnant for the past few years- not going outside, not caring for myself, and in a perpetual state of worry and self-hate for not being who I was or think I *should* be as well.
Inevitably, not having the mental capacity to care for oneself like that also leads to confidence & self-worth issues, only deepening the abyss of what is such a depressive state.
It’s honestly wild hearing my own 3-year long experience being spoken to me from someone else’s mouth, all while it not actually being about me. It’s freeing in a way to know that I am not some freak or anomaly.
These things are so hard to talk and be open about, and holy crapoli do I commend and respect you dearly. I always have. These things don’t even take baby steps- they take FETAL steps, but every single one counts- even if that step is just an epiphany.
Sending you so much love, sweet human. THANK YOU for sharing yourself with us. 🤍❤️🤘🏼
same😢
Proud of how far you’ve come and how much farther you’ll get. Glad to hear from you once again. Remember that just getting up from bed , brushing your teeth, changing your clothes ,etc. is a huge accomplishment! I hope to see you thrive and grow to love yourself the way we all love you as a person.
🫶🏼
What sucks is that a lot of people with depression (myself included) go through rough times thinking it will end eventually. There are days, weeks, or months when we feel happy, functional, and better. And we think that our depression is over. And it sucks because there really is no promise of better or happiness. I hope that your good days are good and your bad days are survivable. Love you, Taylor.
I struggle with depression and have been hospitalized and in residential homes because of it now at 18 I still struggle with depression anxiety and substance abuse I’m so glad your taking each day at a time your truly a beautiful wonderful person you are so strong thank you for helping me with my journey :)
I know this was posted a long time ago but you have no idea how much you have helped me taylor, I loved you so much and what happened to you broke my heart. I actually went threw the same thing. I've always wondered why I like you so much and why I look up to you so much and it's because we are so so much alive without ever even knowing each other, I feel like your me, not in a weird way but because we grew up the same, went threw the same addiction and pretty much the same relationship and you just exactly described how I have been feeling and I had no idea how to even explain it. Thank you so much for being you, you have no idea how much you have helped me. If you ever see this I would love to talk to you if possible, I would love to have a friend I can be open and honest with as I don't have any and I genuinely feel like we could learn from one another. Thank you for being you and always remember your more than worth it. You have made such a impact on so so Mulan people.
Don’t ever feel like you 100% owe us an explanation for when you don’t post. Taking care of yourself is more important and we will understand if you take a break ❤❤❤❤
Stay strong sis you are going to get through this rollercoaster of life- some of us struggle more than others, but you will prevail!! Your an amazing soul inside and out, keep shining like the light in darkness. These difficult times make us stronger and become part of your story ❤
I’ve googled and checked social media for updates on how you were doing countless times. Welcome back, you’re forever loved and celebrated here.
i hope you will continue to make videos just simply talking about your mental health more often. I’m so proud of you trying to pick yourself back up and I know you’ve been trying your best. I’ve watched you over the years I’ve never stop loving watching you. i think you are one of the prettiest girls I’ve never seen and I really mean it truly. Please feel better we will always be proud of you. Please see your worth in this world and how much of a difference you made in all of your viewers! ❤
Thank you for sharing that. I know the struggle unfortunately. I've dealt with anxiety and depression too. I know what a life killer it can be. One of the worst parts for me is the loneliness. Feeling like nobody else feels like this, why do I? Feeling that nobody could possibly understand. I'm so sorry that you're experiencing this but at the same time I'm grateful to you for sharing your story. It helps to know there is someone out there who understands. I've enjoyed your videos over the years, thank you for doing what you do and for letting me be a very small of it. Don't give up. You're worth it.
Warning: Really long comment. I really appreciate you talking about your life experiences and dealing with depression and anxiety. I have also dealt with both depression and anxiety severely. I got so depressed in like 10th grade in highschool through early college. I didn't have any motivation I just wanted to die and felt like nobody would care. I felt so worthless and like I had no purpose. On top of it I also experience anxiety and it could/does get debilitating at times. I have always gone through life at a slower pace than my peers and it heavily weighs on me nonstop and I think about it nonstop. I had to be put in resource classes when I transitioned from private to public school. I don't adjust to change very easily and it takes me longer. I have gotten better with it but it is still a struggle and a challenge for me. I graduated from highschool and started college and didn't really know what I wanted to do. I failed alot of classes and just started getting so frustrated and getting depressed. I then left college and just worked for like 3-4 years and been in an out of college. I have ended up changing my mind many times. I see friends and other people who have graduated college and are married and have good careers and I just feel so stuck and like a failure. I constantly compare my situation in life to others and it makes me miserable and it just is a never ending downward spiral. I still live with my parents and want to be on my own but with how expensive cost of living and the inflation it is not financially feasible. I am currently doing an online aquarium maintenance program while working full time because I have always loved fish and want a career doing what I love with fish. I often worry about this current venture falling through because my previous ventures did. I just hate this phase it is so uncomfortable and anxiety inducing. Transitioning from childhood to adulthood has been so difficult for me and I'm sure it is for many others but so many people make it look easy. This in turn of course makes me feel negatively about myself like why am I having such a hard time with this. My anxiety about being around larger gatherings and the small talk questions like "what do you do?" "are you in college?" just make me so uncomfortable because I feel embarrassed about where I am in life. I get so anxious about certain events and things that I just avoid them and don't make myself present. I may seem fine on the outside but internally my mind is going through so many negative thoughts. Also sometimes I can just get really irritable and lash out and that is just my anxiety. Other times I get really quiet and disconnect from people around me like a switch just turns off and I isolate myself. My anxiety gets so bad at times that I get physically sick and lose all my energy. I am very closed off with most people because I have been hurt by people in the past so I have major trust issues and it is hard for me to get personal with people now. I have like maybe 2 friends who I consider in my inner circle. It is very easy to feel isolated and alone but we have to remind ourselves that there are other people who struggle in similar areas. It can be very painful and difficult to share these deep issues but doing so really can help others. Thank you so much for sharing this with us Taylor. I hope this helps someone.
I relate so much to your story. It’s crazy how when I read your story I have a lot of empathy for you but none for myself. I believe in you stranger… you’ll figure it out. Good luck with your aquarium dream 💕
I relate a lot to you, always comparing myself to how others are doing, I want you to know that it’s great that you’re learning online to do what you love to do, take it one day at a time and you will feel it come together
I feel a lot of what you wrote, to varying degrees and in different ways. Thanks for sharing! :) makes me feel less alone. 🤍
Dont feel pressured to come back babygirl!! If being on the internet is hard for you and your recovery its understandable!! It would have been for me and it was hard without it. Maybe just let us know your alive once a while :) we do care about you and want you to take all the time you need to get better, and to just have a happy life
This video was cathartic to watch for me because I face similar struggles to you :( Ive seen ppl that talk about and show symptoms of depression like not showering and having trouble cleaning a space being harassed and bullied by tons of people. I even see people who are fairly progressive on other issues denigrating and ridiculing others posting about more severe depression symptoms. It often makes me feel like I'm failing at being depressed in the "right way", like these difficulties are not caused by mental illness but by me just being a terrible person. I really appreciate you mentioning more severe symptoms, it means a lot to me to hear someone with a platform speak candidly about it. This made me feel less alone in my struggles, and brings some comfort in a distressing situation.
Sorry for the long comment, I wish that youll make progress in your recovery and find some fulfilling things to do ❤️❤️❤️
Facing myself my codependency and mental issues this year as been the hardest part of whole 28 years I've been on this earth. Yesterday I had the courage to brake up with my boyfriend of the six past years who was emotionally unavailable and sometime abusive, I still unconditionally love him, so this hits right in those feels. I'm proud you had the courage to post, it's difficult to take actions and mostly accountability, even tho it might not have brought you joy your video felt like a warm hug to me it's sweet to know your not alone. Status quo is comfortable but lead me nowhere I truly hope all of us here can find purpose in going forward.
i deeply appreciate you discussing your depression. i personally struggle with depression and you talking about how your brain is never ever empty now is exactly how i feel and you described it so perfectly. it’s super hard to never get a break. again, thank you so much for sharing and for putting how i feel into words. take care taylor
Taylor! I never comment on videos but just have to tell you how happy I am to see you. Been watching you for years and deeply relate to you in SO many ways (severe mental health issues, addiction, abuse, same age, and even also have chronic health issues the same as you EDS, POTS..) and to hear you be so brave and honest with how you're feeling and what you're going thru means the whole world because a lot of these feelings I've never known how to express or thought other people felt the EXACT way. Wow I really hope you can see how important and special of a person you are and how much you mean to the world. I believe in you and just know that there are people out here that really do understand and going thru the same thing and the huge impact just you talking about it makes. I support you all the way and I hope you stay true to you and post and share exactly what you want to! We care about YOU, not just the animals. We are here for you and I am wishing the best for you every single day. We can get thru this and it means the world to know we all aren't fighting alone no matter how much it feels that way. Sending all my love! You are truly cared for.
I came across your story in the Vice piece, and it hit hard. Not because I’ve had any substance abuse, but because my depression is often shackling me. I’ve destroyed my life and am now trying to pick up the pieces, at 35 years old. I’d be lying if I said I’m excited because of how good I’m doing, because I often feel like a failure and a disappointment. But I have to remember that recovery takes as long as if needs. That’s it. Thanks for your update, I’m glad you’re doing well and I’m sincerely happy I found your channel. ❤
This is refreshing honestly I'm happy to see you Taylor and I'm wishing you all the best. We're close in age and with simular life experiences unfortunately so I fully understand how you feel right now, some days I only get out of bed to go to work and keep a roof over my dogs heads, I genuinely don't think I'd be alive if it weren't for the dogs, then I come home take care of them and lay in my messy floor until I need to get up the next day. Fighting a war against yourself is incredibly difficult sometimes we just need to take it one minute at a time because even hours get overwhelming.
You talk so eloquently about these subjects. It's really inspiring. You'd be a fabulous public speaker at schools. Sending you so much love x
Hi taylor Been watching you since 2017 I did not even notice that it was that long until now honestly, you taking a break from youtube really made me sad there are times I check your channel 2-3 times a day thinking my notification bell is not working then I was so happy to find you on instagram but got sad about the thing you’re going through. But just so you know I still look up to you I wanna live a life that you have with your animals I believe in you taylor I believe that you can get over this and live a long beautiful life I still remember my grade 9 self memorizing your animals name to a piece of notebook. You can’t imagine how happy am I seeing this video that you uploaded again. But then again you can do it I’m soo proud of the every little thing you do. Baby steps are progress too! Loveyou tay❤
I'm a forty-year-old woman and I've loved your videos since you first started. I also live with chronic illness and disability and trauma, and I also find my joy in animals. I think that how your expressed yourself in this video is really important, and I think that you're about to find a new way to think about life and yourself. It's never about getting better. That's never a guarantee. It's about learning to count spoons, learning how to weave a web of interdependence with other people, learning how to value your ideas and interests and thoughts. Forget about getting better. Just think about ways of making life livable. It took me a long time, and honestly, my body just keeps falling apart, but I'm so much better at life. I am so good at connecting to people now, so good at recognizing my windows of productivity, so good at taking myself seriously. Know that these wonderful things await you. All my love to you, Taylor, from Crip Mom.
I appreciate your authenticity so much and I can relate to the embarrassment of depression so much also the identity issues, thank you for being so vulnerable publicly - it truly does help people to hear your experience and know we're not alone. Stay strong 💖✨ much love
Was very glad to see you posted bc you’ve been in my thoughts recently. I feel it in my bones that you’re gonna find a way forward no matter what- you strike me as a fighter. If you love music and want to pursue it, I highly recommend music lessons. Not only will you learn & grow but it’s good to have a routine to look forward to. And once you start to make progress, it’s so rewarding ❤
I'm slowly coming out of a depression episode right now. This resonates on deep levels with me. Ik u probably felt anxious about uploading this video but I think I really needed to hear this. Thank you for being honest about your experience. The only constant is change, so let us both embrace that. Sending love to u
sending love to u! every little step of progress matters 🤍
Proud of you for rising above so much trauma. Sending love and light always. Don’t forget your strength. ❤
GIRL REDOING IT ALL 100 TIMES. I CANNOT BELIEVE IT😩🙌🏻 YOU ARE A CHAMPION!!!👏🏻 when things like that happen to me it devastates me and I often give up. it takes SO MUCH to continue after things like that happen, so to use all your mental and physical strength to do it and then the light dies? cue the crying on the floor😩😂 I AM SO PROUD YOU DID THIS, IT MOTIVIATES ME AND MAKES ME FEEL LIKE I CAN PUSH MYSELF TO DO STUFF TOO!!! GREAT JOB TAYLOR!!!
I used to be extremely depressed and someone told me you get depressed when you stop being thankful. I felt mocked and didn't understand how I could have anything to be thankful for. Over the years I started to understand this more and more. That person was right. You always have something to be thankful for. Always. Each breath holds so much incredible value.
that’s cool and all if only depression was just a mindset and not a literal disorder. it is something that comes and goes. you start to feel more “thankful” when the episode passes.
Oh this was beautifully said! I’ll remember this comment
@@ticcitoasty why are you so pressed though, extremally passive aggressive comment- relax. Everyone has a diff yet valid way of looking at/handling their depression and once again its all valid. Some people help it pass by reminding themselves to be thankful they are physically able to go outside and enjoy fresh air- then that leads to the step of actually doing that- I know for a fact that works for me- I dont want to go outside I dont want to do ANYTHING but ill remind myself that God (my belief- not pushing it on you) made this whole amazing gorgeous world and allows me to be a part of it so I'll push myself to go outside and enjoy it and then I start to feel a bit better. It might take a week or two but when I do start to remember to be grateful it really helps.
@@Dee-zx9zmthat probably works because your depression don't seem to come from total hopelessnes or anger. I, for instance, believe in God and I believe in reincarnation (eternal life), so it would be impossible for me to truly die, even if I want to. I'm forced to be alive and suffer weather I want it or not, it's just how life goes.
So I can recognize all the beauty in nature, the goodness in people and all things God give me to help me evolve. But I can't feel thankful for any of it, because the pain is too dooming, and I can only see pain forever and ever, knowing that it is my own fault, wich only makes it worst, ultimately leading me to revolt against God, cause He won't even let me kill myself and end this suffering.
Even consciously knowing that God is kind, and loves me, and all the suffering has a purpose, and if I suffer without complaining I'll be happy in the future, deep down I just cannot truly believe it. How can I believe I'll be happy someday if I've never been happy before? I don't know what happiness is. I recognize all the privileges I have in life, all the good things, but I would still give it all up if I could just end it all. For me life is just not worth it, it's too painful. I would rather not exist. So I can't be thankful.
Since I have no choice, I keep living and working and trying to please God's will, so my life has a chance of that happiness Jesus promised us. But it is solely for obligation, I say thanks because I have to, but I don't feel it, I don't know how to feel it. Just do it because there is no other way, God won't let me perish. Somehow God takes care of me, I've got better in the last few years of this, since I stopped fighting so much and accepted I cannot die and I will just suffer forever until God decides it's enough.
But being thankful is DEFINITELY not a choice. No emotion or feeling is a choice. You cannot choose to be thankful. You just are, and when you forget, you remind yourself, as you very well said. But if you aren't, there is nothing you can do, besides keep going, even if angry, even disagreeing, sad and hopeless. Depressed forever, until God decides I won't be anymore, or something else happens in my life to change my feelings or point of view. Because it's impossible to change those things by yourself.
That's why depressed people can get so mad when seeing frases like this "you are only depressed when you stop being thankful", because we want to be thankful and not feel like shit, but we just can't, it's not a choice. It's very frustrating to think you are making yourself feel miserable on purpose, you are even more of a failure cause you can't be thankful and can't stop being depressed just like that. It makes us mad. It's triggering to be reminded you are stuck in this situation by your own fault. It's pointless to judge anyone for being passive-agressive about this. They are already in deep shit. Just be happy you are not in a similar situation, be happy you get to feel good and thankful. Being angry and frustrated sucks, no one likes it.
Don't put pressure on yourself to get things perfect before filming or post on a regular schedule. The people who are still watching are happy to watch whatever you want, whenever you want to post it. You're not letting anyone down. And I think a podcast might be a really good idea, because it doesn't matter if you don't have the motivation to get dressed or brush your teeth or put on makeup, no one can see you!
I've also struggled with depression for years and this video was actually really helpful, because you always look so beautiful and that seemed so unattainable for me. I'm currently a week into not showering and I don't have the energy to change that, and while I wouldn't wish it on anyone, it's kind of nice to know that you're going through the same thing. That it probably costs you a lot of energy to try to look that good. It makes me feel like I can do it too :)
"You're not climbing up a ladder." Thank you. Hit 400 days sober recently & I need this now more than ever. We appreciate the candor.
Taylor, no matter what, I’m just happy you’re here. ❤️
I absolutely love how real and honest you are in this video!! I totally can understand and relate to everything you say.. you say you felt like you had to do something to make everyone’s lives better but what you may not realize is that telling your story like this is SO helpful to so many people just to make them feel less alone and ashamed for going through the same things. THANK YOU!
As someone who has been going in and out of depression since being 13 years old, and who has been stuck in the worst yet for 8 months now, I’m so sorry you have to go through this. I’m still trying to figure ot how to get out myself, so I won’t pretend I know anything that helps or that I know what the purpose of doing stuff is. I don’t. All I can say is I love you and I hope we can eventually learn to at least find happiness in existing. Thank you for posting, Taylor ❤
Edit: Just finished watching the video, and just wanted to say I enjoy listening to you talk about whatever, so don’t feel pressured to make videos about anything specific, and I’m all for it if you decide to start a podcast. You do you, always 🖤
same my symptoms started at that age too 🥲
may I ask of your age? if that’s ok
I’m 23 if that helps :o
I appreciate your openness and vulnerability. The courage it took to share this experience shows the strength you have. Thank you
Welcome to the other side. It's a great place to be! The other side of addiction is a place we work every day to stay in..you can do this, you got it. I see you, we all see you! Thank you for letting us see your journey!
You do you girl, there are people who love you regardless and appreciate all of your life experience stories and can relate to a few, some or more than just some. Love you!❤
Taylor this is the most validating thing I have ever seen as you are the first to share a couple experiences that I have. You are so strong for sharing this and opening yourself up.
So I figured I would share to help you know you're not alone (this is just my personal experience which I felt was similar and it is not me pushing you to do anything at all).
Depression is the worst thing ever. At the worst of it, I just like you would pee in cups and throw it out. I was just naked half the time because all my clothes were filthy, it was unacceptable. All I could muster with my energy was to take care of my pet fish.
I struggled so much with the not living in the moment feeling you expressed here., I couldn't get over how everyone else was perceiving the moment, and being on constant high alert. After years of watching my life wiz by feeling overwhelmed by everything happening, I saw a therapist who helped me discover it was an anxiety disorder mixed with PTSD from past abuse. I have since worked on meditation, mindfulness, and self-respect. Realizing I am Important and truly believing it was the biggest step in recovery for me.
I'm still working on it and have had rough days. It has been 4 years since the diagnosis and I'm still getting there, but I'm so happy I didn't give up when I was at my lowest, no matter how much I wanted to.
i’ve been watching you since i was 11 years old. i’m now almost 18 and i get so so excited when i see a new video. i was diagnosed with anxiety and depression at 12, and adhd at 16. i hope you get the help you need even though sometimes it feels like nothing will help and you’ll forever feel this way. we got this ❤️ you are so beautiful
I feel like you truly understand where I am in life right now. I too am at this level of depression, and have had a hard time feeling okay with my mess. I've been this way for just over four years and it feels really hopeless. I really hope we get better someday.
i’ve watched you my whole life you’ve always been the biggest inspiration and about 2 months ago i overdosed pretty badly on a variety of drugs and since i’ve been struggling so so much with getting my life back together, just like you said some days it’s hard to even get out of bed to go to the bathroom. sharing your experience is the most vulnerable thing ever, i wish i could be open with my family and friends about how hard daily life is. it’s always been a huge struggle even before but obviously putting such a strain on my body and mind made it worse. i’m proud to say tho that since i haven’t taken anything since. you probably get this a lot but your truly such a strong person, and i think your incredible. ❤
this is the most down to earth you’ve seemed ever.
more vulnerable ❤
Taylor I’ve watched your animal videos since I was 10, I’m 15 now and I’m so happy your back again! I’ve watched your videos over and over again because you make me laugh each and every single time. You can do this!!
You scared me for a bit there, thought you were gone or something, to see that you were going through so much at a point in my life where YOU were helping me get out of the things I was going through is so heartbreaking, I always have been and always will be a supporter of you, it’s ok to not be ok, take baby steps and I wish for you to live a long healthy and beautiful life. During your absence I dm’d you on Ig (knowing full well you wouldn’t see them lol) with words of encouragement, I’d love to see you back fully again but don’t rush it, we will always be here for you .❤
So good to see you again! Enjoyed the mood lighting and deep topics. It's enough, just you being you. Sending a big hug your way!
You have no idea how relatable all of this is. I don’t know if you’ve read Childhood Disrupted or The Body Keeps the Score but those books really helped me identify why I feel and think certain things. They talk about different therapies that are helpful too, like EMDR and biofeedback, or even just yoga. Regular talk therapy might not be as helpful if you have trouble staying present in the moment (like I do).
Hang in there. Life is hard sometimes but you have fans like myself that want to see you continue to succeed the and out of the depression runt for good. Rooting for ya. Long time fan.
I also struggle with CPTSD and this last year has been one of the worst of my life but I started doing EMDR therapy which is great for people with PTSD. I can say that I’ve made life changing progress in just the last 5 months from it, maybe it’s something that would be helpful for you too. It’s worth looking into at least. ❤
Me tooo!!!!! I’m on year 3 now of EMDR for PTSD myself and it’s changed my life. I’m not where I want to be, but it’s a hell of a lot closer than I ever thought was possible. I pray the same for you!!!!! Stick with it, I promise there’s peace and you will find it ❤
My aunt did EMDR to cope with PTSD she developed from the death of her daughter, and also said it changed her life. I'm glad it works well for so many people, that's wonderful. 💗
Thank you so much for coming back and sharing sharing al of this with us. Just know that whatever you decide to do that we will support you
Please remember that there are probably thousands of people watching this who love and support you in your journey and who get more out of your content than you will ever know, but who are just like you and don’t have the energy to comment lmao but they still love you and are here for you and happy to see you back ❤️❤️❤️
I just mean that even all the lovely comments still don’t even capture how many people love you and want to see you win and be happy 💕💕💕
Love you always and forever girl, you don’t have to be anything more than you 💖
Thank you for speaking the truth and the reality of life! Takes a lot of courage to show who you really are and I feel you try to really be honest and I applaud you I’m rooting for you. Love you.
Kinda wild. I was just checking your accounts the other day because I noticed I hadn't seen you in a while.
Glad to see you again. Just know that we may not know you personally or understand what you're going through, but you're still on our minds. I hope it gets better.
same with me
SAME OMG
That’s it! Engage in a new beginning, just like you said when the channel first started. It has come full circle and you will be reborn. Sending love 🤍
healing does not mean becoming the person you were before
I’ve followed you since you started your channel. You were the one who got me to realize I had Ehlers Danlos Syndrome which I will forever be grateful for. It’s crazy hearing you dealing with a lot of the same issues I have. I’m so thankful for you❤️
I want to thank you that you found the courage to show your personal notes and your stuff 2:58 and that you talked openly about your depression to the public!❤ I myself suffer from depression and anxiety disorder for 6th year now (I'm 23). This year I really suffered from repeated depressions from depressions, because even tho I was trying so hard to get better I was still falling back to basics (my day goals: try to get from bed before 1pm, feed my pets, have at least two meals a day, try to do one productive thing and brush my teeth ). I felt so bad that from all that effort came just these base care things. And I felt more bad, because a lot of people don't know or don't understand how much of effort I have to take to make these basic things. The worst moments are when people try to advise you and from that advice you can feel how they don't believe you do your best with the will and power you have at that time..
I too try to spread information about depression so people would understand and stopped being so judgemental. But often that explaining drains power from me (when those people are not so empathic or just can't understand even a little - but can't blame them. I think people who've never experienced depression can't never fully understand it and for that, In a way, I envy them.)
Because of that I really appreciate you did this video. That you brought our difficult life - people with depression - closer to the public. I believe you made at least one person to be more understanding of this topic and the next time he/she will meet someone w depression he/she will be more empathic and compassionate.
Sending love to all people with this burden we have to live with.🖤🖤🖤 Be strong and don't give up! Even if it's really fcked up and tiring thing to live with. Life has still so much to offer.
Thank you so much for sharing what you’re going through with us. I relate to what you’ve said so so much in my own trauma and recovery. Thanks for helping me feel less alone ❤
You don’t owe anyone an apology or an explanation. Do your thang, lady! ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
What you said about being in the moment resonates so much. I am stuck in the constant anxious thoughts and genuinely don’t know how to be present in the moment not worrying about anything.
I completely identify with your situation, sadly. Depression is such a giant monster it scares me sometimes. I hope anyone who sees it know that they're not alone. You're not alone. Other people go through these horrible things too.