Demand Avoidance
Вставка
- Опубліковано 31 тра 2024
- Demand avoidance can be a feature of autism. It can also part of a specific autistic profile called PDA (pathological demand avoidance). In this video I'm talking about;
1. PDA
2. My own experiences of demand avoidance
3. Some tips for managing demand avoidance
Elizabeth Newson Centre for diagnosis of PDA: www.autismeastmidlands.org.uk...
Some PDA advocates
Harry Thomson (PDA adult) : www.harryjackthompson.com/about
Steph's Two Girls (the parent of a child with PDA):
www.stephstwogirls.co.uk
Chloe Me Just Me (teen UA-camr with PDA): / @chloemejustme
Riko Ryuki (PDA adult): dragonriko.wordpress.com
Julia Daunt (PDA adult): memyselfandpda.com
If you want to support my work please consider becoming a Purple Person and joining my club / @purpleella
If you like my videos check out my blog 💻 at www.purpleella.com
If you'd like to book me to speak about autism at your workplace, school or conference find more information:
www.purpleella.com/public-spe...
💜Follow me on Twitter -
/ purpleella
💜Join me on Facebook -
/ purpleella
💜 Follow me on Instagram - / purpleellaa. .
If you want to contact me email me 📱ella@purpleella.com
Helpful links
The National Autistic Society - autism.org.uk
Hypermobility Syndromes Association - hypermobility.org
A key aspect of this is actively avoiding even the things you WANT to do. It gives a layer of seeming rationality to someone on the outside looking in, which just feeds the issue. I find that the most success when I mentally "park" the anxiety or the task I need to do the most, and get started on another task that also needs to be done at random; once I have momentum it's easier to do the thing I was having the most issue with. I also have ADHD and I think part of the reason none of this was identified when I was a kid (apart from being female) was that I function REALLY well with an authority figure that gives me wide parameters/expectations, and then lets me go about my business while still validating me/positive reinforcement. It's kind of embarrassing, to be honest, as that seems like a juvenile type of work, but I work on it every day, and it's good to know I'm not just made wrong--especially as I'm so good at acting like a "normal" person on the outside to the degree that people don't believe me when I share my struggles.
Sophia Grey I recognise myself so much in this. I’m in uni now and everyday is an opportunity to practice shameless self acceptance in this regard to put it in a positive way... luckily it’s an artistic education so everyone there is f-ed up just like me
Trust me when I say that a lot of people aren’t going to believe us either way. I’ve embraced being different and try my best not to hide anything or mask any longer, and it seems like most people still want to believe I can just “fit in” and “be normal” if I tried. It’s very frustrating. I like embracing who I am.
A 2 year old comment but I've just found this.
You described this very well - gaining momentum to take on the problem by running at it via another non problematic task. For me it's regularly housework that's the problem for some reason and finding that other random task as the starter but it works.
I totally relate to You, I'm the same way... The positive reinforcement helps a lot... In all honesty, no matter what anybody says, I feel we're all little kids inside that want to be heard, accepted, praised & validated (all equating to, loved. ❤ )
Anyhow, regarding your tidbit of momentum, I believe I heard the neuroscientist, Andrew Huberman mention something like that. Cool 👍.
I was supposed to write an essay this morning, and was so stuck. I finally said to myself--"well, do something, do anything...". I picked up the rough draft and started reading it but banished the idea that I would do any work on it. Then i got interested and began working. It's like part of me is a stubborn little kid and I have to trick him.
This is exactly what i'm like. I had no idea about this. It's crazy, I've been describing this to my therapist for years and i've had to fight everyone who calls me a perfectionist, because I am not a perfectionist. I only manage to finish a few of the things i'm the most talented at, and I have quite an advanced artistic sensibility, which confuses people.
I couldn’t relate to something more! Wow
This is me.
It’s me
For me, the avoidance has a lot to do with preserving and asserting autonomy. Not sure if this is related to past trauma where that autonomy was disregarded and stripped away or if this is just a core element, but yeah, that’s my tiny bit of input. Thank you so much for discussing this topic!!💜
Yes I think needing autonomy is recognised as a big part of it. Definitely relate
wow, i didn’t know demand avoidance was a thing, but yes i experience it way more than i wish i did. the problem for me is that i also really like to plan ahead and know what’s going to happen to prepare myself- so it’s kind of a double-edged sword. i want to plan something weeks in advance to prepare myself, but spend all that time dreading it and avoiding it and procrastinating on what i need to do to prepare myself! (school deadlines are always the worst!) i have adhd and anxiety diagnoses.
The best way I've found to not do something is to make it a goal. I have to sneak up on things I really want to get done- if I write it down, it's almost guaranteed to not happen. Calling home to let my husband know I'll be late is super difficult; it feels like I owe him the call- not just being considerate. FYI I'm 64, and it's taken me years to figure this out.
i’m crying over the fact that there is a word for this, that it exists beyond myself. i’ve just thought my entire life that i’m lazy, even as i logically know that i want to complete the tasks. i always end up procrastinating to the point of never doing it, because i prioritize anything that allows me to feel freedom and self- sufficiency, anything that doesn’t challenge me enough to trigger anxiety. i just can’t believe that this is something real, and not me just making excuses for myself, calling it executive dysfunction even when this part never really fit. i’ve just never heard anyone else say that they can only handle one anxiety-inducing demand a day, and now that i have, i feel more validated and comforted than i ever have before.
It sounds like I have demand avoidance, but I originally thought I was a poor self-starter. The thought of doing some tasks either gives me a bit of anxiety (like making phone calls) or causes me to push some things aside for later as if I was procrastinating. Thank you so much for these videos. While I'm not diagnosed with autism yet since no one is doing evaluations right now due to Covid, these videos are helping me and my family learn more about me.
Hey Ella. Great video. I'm not diagnosed with PDA, but I do have ASD and ADD diagnoses. The profile is very consistent with my behaviour and expression of my neurodivergence! The worst part about it is not being able to get the things done that you want to do. And I have spent my whole life being labelled as 'lazy' and 'defiant', because I would not do what people asked me to do. That has been very hard on my self-esteem and self-confidence, but I'm slowly building those back up now that I have rediscovered my identity as an autistic person. I thought you might like to hear these insights. Thanks
I was feeling anxious to hit the like button, but feel better afterward.
Oh yes, I'm like that too. There's instantly that feeling of whatever thing it is I need to do becoming a burden. On one hand I need the structure written down tasks provide and on the other hand these written down tasks make me nervous. There doesn't seem to be a perfect middleground.
I never knew why I was the only one in my class who never filled in their school diary. I preferred having my to do’s in my head. It never failed me.
Do you think not wanting to answer the phone is part of this? I feel like it is an unexpected and unwanted "demand".
I really identify with this and find answering the phone a demand. The anxiety caused by an incoming call can remain with me for hours.
@@Susan-tr9rh I recently started an escape room business where the phone number for clients to call was my mobile number. I never understood why I couldn't just answer the phone, especially as it meant I would make money and have a successful business but it was just incredible how strong the anxiety was every time the phone rang and it was not someone from my contacts. I closed the business in the end. Watching this video and reading these comments has put it into a biota perspective for me...
I absolutely hate it when my phone rings. Being stuck on the phone and not knowing how to politely end the conversation gives me a feeling similar to claustrophobia, like being inside a small tight MRI machine. But with an MRI at least you know when it's going to end.
I'm sorry to hear you had to close your business. I also have a business and when customers call I often can't answer the phone. I just can't do it. I usually end up forcing myself to call them back, but lately the anxiety has been getting worse and worse and I haven't called anybody back in weeks. 😔
OMG...I HATE talking on the phone to friends. I can mask at work because it's required but it's so hard with people I don't "have" to talk to..even when I adore them.
For me anxiety kicks in when I try confronting demands. Up to that point, I can consciously acknowledge there's something to do, but never actually do it. The demand itself makes me feel nothing, as it doesn't exist to me beyond an abstract idea. The second I have to make something of it- it's real, overwhelmingly concrete with concrete consequences.
Would love to see the coping skills video you mentioned! Lists and rewards don't work and I haven't seen advice other than that, only thing I have is using used paper for drawing/writing.
I'd love to see that video too!
This makes soooooo much sense to me. Linking up memories of childhood reactions that made no sense to me, to the sudden motivation extinction that occurs between writing the great to do plan, and doing it. Thank you for the explanation.
I found you via Yo Samdy Sam, and have now subscribed.
This is very relatable. I have a hard time getting started with tasks I want to do. I just feel anxious AF when time comes around to doing it. Even something I enjoy, like playing piano. I'm still looking for coping strategies so I can actually get some positive things (like self-improvement) done while social distancing. I certainly have the time.
sacredmeow With some things, the more I want to do them, the more I will put off doing them due to anxiety thinking about doing them. I have had dvd or box sets I really excited to watch put out ready for me just sit there for months because
I can’t get over the anxiety of wanting to watch them. It drives me nuts. I miss so much stuff.
That happens to me daily. I need to get at things so badly, I want & need to get some things done, but I walk around them. I get fed up and write lists so I can do them. Nothing done on the list so I change the date and go through it the next day, and when I look at the unhelpful lists I get really stressed and I feel even worse about myself. I've only realized I'm probably autistic for about a week. I've always been weird, not like hardly anyone I've ever known, and I found out I have every single symptom. I don't like meeting new people and if one of my kids invite someone to a holiday dinner & if I'm able to wangle out of it myself, I miss them and stay home alone, it doesn't bother me at all.
Yep. Have this issue. Now I want to go back to bed and I’ve only been up for 3 hours and done absolutely nothing useful yet.
Maybe... I find it helpful when noticing such a feeling to list the things I did do - because for me they were accomplishments!
So: breakfast/one email/putting something out of the way/remembering to drink water... Anything that is not a given. :)
All the best!!!
Thank you, your video is very helpful! Yes, I do feel demand avoidance, every day, specially at work but not only. It‘s a fear of not doing somerhing perfectly enough, of not being good enough, or it‘s like an obsession to see every detail which makes every task demanding. It helps being conscious of that fear. I allow myself taking short breaks during very demanding tasks and reading something, doing something light. It helps to release the fear abd continue…
I really struggle with demand avoidance (not PDA), so this is very relatable - especially when it comes to avoiding things I actually want/need to do! The idea of a reward system is really helpful ☺️
Glad it was helpful.
Yes, may explain why it sometimes takes me decades to finish a piece. I have composed almost everything, but there are A few problems and a few dots to connect. But it takes me many years before I finally sit down at the piano and work out a solution. Once I really concentrate on the task without being anxious, I may finish the work in just a few hours.
@@NidusFormicarum yes. I understand what you mean. Except for me it is writing.
I feel like this every time I need to process photographs even when I desire to do it.
I was trying to describe this to my doctor but I couldn't. And since then I've been trying to track this video down again before my next appointment. It appeared in my recommended videos feed. I'm so glad. Ella, I really appreciate that you made this video. It has helped me with thoughts that I couldn't form into words. Thank you!
Hello. I’m not sure if I have autism. I’ve done some research, but haven’t gotten a diagnosis. I experience demand avoidance all the time, and a lot of what you said in this video is meaningful for me. Thank you.
Found out about PDA in the last few days. Scored very highly on an online self-assessment. I can see how it's affecting me right now. Putting things in my diary is fine, but when the day arrives, I do anything other than what I need to do been the diary items. It's as if the diary items already feel like overcommitment and adding anything else would be too much. That means I don't do even the most necessary chores. 😢
Demand Avoidance. I knew I had it, but I didn't know what it was called. And I didn't know that other people suffer from it.
Mind = Blown.
Almost every single bit. is. me.
How is that even possible.
Like suddenly recognizing myself in autism made the puzzle complete, almost though...
But this is finally setting foot on the moon myself xD
...wow
I have a son undiagnosed but research lead me to believe this what he has suffered, he even went to a specialist school and refused to talk at Camhs , his sister was diagnosed with Aspergers and that took changing Doctors and asking a charity for a referral to camhs . It’s a nightmare out there getting help and diagnosis , I saw similar signs with grandson and he was diagnosed age 3 . But my son undiagnosed and daughter was aged 15 when she got a diagnosis.
It’s a lovely road as a single parent with autistic kids slipping through the net .
Hello, I am writing on my partner's login. I have just watched your 2019 video about PIP. I couldn't agree with you more, I am an adult woman with ASD among other issues and I have had to take my PIP to an MR (yet to hear) as I can't possibly struggle with daily tasks as I have GCSEs from over 10 years ago........
I have never felt so invalid in all my life, it was like my struggles didn't matter and a stronger person would be ok and I am a failure. I have never felt so low about my conditions. Your video was so helpful to hear it is not just me this has happened to.
Subbed. My son has (I believe) PDA. They (meaning CAHMS) won't re-assess him or even acknowledge it properly, but they do acknowledge that he has "demand avoidance" traits. It's always helpful to hear someone explain it in a way that he is yet able to do. Thanks for making videos like this.
Thank your for your videos. Your PIP assessment video popped up after I watched the DWP vids. I am dealing with a looming review at the moment. Watching your videos made me feel less alone. But I would obviously rather none of us had to go through this.
I find your content really engaging and well presented Ella. Recent subscriber and already a frequent visitor.
Bumped into PDA on UA-cam a couple days back. It is def not a recognized "thing" in the states, by therapist drew a complete blank when I mentioned it. I had a pretty immediate sense that I would not be diagnosed as PDA, but I have traits similar to Purple Ella's, so thanks very much for helping me clarify that this is the case with some people. This is one of those places where the old "isn't everybody like that sometimes?" rears its ugly head, and if I'm neurotypical in my avoidance, that would be fine with me. I have serious anxiety, and I think this may be an area where I genuinely struggle way more than would be expected in a neurotypical person. That's what I'm starting to try and sort out.
When I was self-employed, I could get through backlogs because my reward was knowing that at some point I would be caught up, and could relax and feel like I had things under control. When I took on a traditional job, I was aware that I struggled because, if I got caught up, my boss would immediately find something else that I needed to do. That was understandable (he pays me by the hour, and I was full time), but it created a real problem for me. I can't really manage full time any more.
Breaking things like filming down into simpler starting pieces is a strategy I use too. When I start a new project, I like to start with the "known knowns," things that are straight forward and have to be a certain way, I don't have to debate them. I'm in an artsy/design field, and I think people expect me to want to start with my own grand vision, but that would be overwhelming, especially if I have no guidance from others for what that vision should be. And it's too many balls in the air at the same time (everything is open to consideration? Yikes!).
I didn't have an expression for this previously, so thank you! I keep it in my mind as "obligations", and I can only hold one obligation per day at most. Anything that's already within my routine is fine, so I try to build in that "free time" for things I like but don't want to commit to (bc committing makes them feel like obligations/chores). If I'm going to do something very out of the ordinary, I need a 3-day plan for it: the day before, the day of, and the recovery day afterwards. And sometimes even with that, I find myself overwhelmed for days afterwards
I had not heard of PDA before but I definitely experience demand avoidance. I don’t deal well with being told what to do for starters unless I’ve sought help or advice. I also experience anxiety around events in my diary as you described. One thing in particular that I’ve noticed is that tasks with multiple steps are ones that cause the most anxiety. I’m still not quite sure how to explain this to other people but I guess it’s the kind of tasks that are many things that make up one thing. For example, if I cook from a recipe, I have to decide what kind of food I want to eat, find a recipe that seems doable, read and understand the recipe, make sure I have all the ingredients, shop if I don’t, get out all the utensils - all of that before I actually even start prepping the ingredients and cooking. I think it’s all the micro-decisions that rob me of energy and knowing they are ahead of me gives me anxiety to the point where I can’t even bring myself to start. It doesn’t seem to make sense to other people when I explain it, particularly my husband, though over time he’s gotten better at supporting the development of my work around. It’s not the process of cooking that is the problem - I like food and I can do the task with relative competence - it’s the many decisions I have to make along the way that are the killer for me. For that particular issue, my work around is that I’m developing a handful of easy, healthy meals I can prepare with automaticity. So far it works most days and my repertoire of things I can cook without much decision making is growing. We make sure we have all the things in the cupboard/fridge at all times and it seems to work. It seems like such a small thing yet it causes me so much anxiety!
Tasks with lots of steps like cooking are really hard for me too. I gave up on cooking.
Best video about PDA I've been able to find! Clear and succinct - thank you!
Thank you. This gave me many insight and a bit more clarity.
Totally relate to all of this, Ella! I'm working on my own task list system to avoid feeling anxiety and overwhelm that inevitably comes with tasks/to do lists. I like the reward idea, I'll have to add that in to my approach ❤️
You have been able to explain this concept in a way I can finally understand and definitely connect with. Thanks 💜💜💜
Congratulations for 8k subs Ella! I've been here since you had maybe 150 subs...so great to watch you and your channel grow xx
Thanks Katie, yes I can't believe 8000 people have subbed, thanks for being here all the way 😊
Very relatable. I don't do to-do list. If it matters, I will remember (that's my story, I am sticking to it). I have found value in did lists though. A nice record of what I did manage to accomplish.
Same
Thank you so so much for making this, I just learned about demand avoidance and I resonate with it so much. I don't know that I have it as extremely as most PDAers, but demands are the main source of my anxiety, and the more I have the worse I am. I'm mean to other people, I feel like I have no time to myself but I procrastinate everything, and I only put half of my effort into most things. I'm thinking about dropping out of college because of this.
Yes, I certainly experience demand avoidance because of anxiety! Great video, thank you!
Wow, I didn't know that this was a part of my Autism. I definitely get this. I have several government cheques (my money back from taxes and such) that I need to deposit, as one example... and people don't realize why I find it difficult to do these things. Why do these things bring me such anxiety. I wish I could be 8 years old again. (I'm forgetting all the struggles I had back then, I know, but you know).
giving a name to this diabolical phenomenon has helped me direct my therapist to resources. I had no idea there was a name for this but it is like the demon that will not get out of the way.
I started to look alot into this. Explains me some but more in the way you do. But also my children some.
I'm an adult who was just diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum six years ago at age 35. There was discussion of PDA in a forum I belong to, and when I read more about it, a light bulb flashed on over my head. I realize that I have a number of PDA traits, and maybe my functioning issues aren't all due to laziness. I appreciate that you gave concrete suggestions on ways to counteract PDA in daily life. I don't want to use it as an excuse, but I think it's important to recognize that this is what's going on in my quirky autistic brain so I can find ways to work around it. Thanks for the great video!
I experience extreme demand anxiety. It's one of the main traits that helped me to sort out that I'm on the spectrum. At 53 years old. So far no one I know accepts this or understands Just having to share & explain this to others creates more demand anxiety!... But this was helpful for me bc, as a lifelong list maker, now perhaps I'll stop making lists, ha! Or at least not so many. But I guess 15 years of fibromyalgia has already started me on this process...
Didn't know this was a thing. But I have issues with this. I write in my calendar/ bullet journal only using erasable pens. I can definitely identify with demand avoidance. Commitments have always made me anxious and I just thought it was something wrong with me.
Thank you so much for making this video.
I know this is a 2 year old video, but I’m glad I found it thank you. I’m not sure if I have a PDA profile or closer to what you’ve described experiencing. Your approach to demands seems helpful. Thank you
I would love to know more. I'm struggling very hard with this piece.
I appreciate this video so much, I never had a word for this
I am a pdaer to quite an extreme extent, I had a diagnosis of autism for a couple of years before I was diagnosed a few months ago with a pda profile, as well as demands, I find authority figures and expectations very difficult (no one can tell me what to do!) along with the executive dysfunction of what I think is adhd it makes getting stuff done really hard, thank you for helping to get the message out there that this is a real thing!💜
You're welcome. I'm glad you understand yourself so well now but yes that does sound like a tricky bundle of neurology 😊
I’d love to hear about your organization systems. ❤
I would love to hear more of your systems and what you use in your “toolkit”. I experience this hugely. 👍
Crying! This is me!
My son experiences this and watching this video is very helpful. Will share with others so they can help understand him better too.
I definitely experience this, I saw your post and this video and was on it! Thank you, this was helpful : )
you have a charming personality and a soothing voice, Its nice to learn from you.
Wow! This is what I have with to do lists. I've only just started to look for hacks how I can get around my issues with to do lists. Journalling for me is actually fine, although.. maybe not always. This is so so so interesting and helpful and making me think.
Even my diagnosis, I thought I had ADHD, but maybe there's a part that's more about anxiety and mood disregulation that makes me disfunctional.
One question: how do you keep experimenting and trying new things? I'm smart and I'm a creative problem solver, but I feel super stuck in my ways and taking too long to discover something that helps.
I just burst into tears I've said my whole life, I dibnt understand
Cool, I learned something new. :) I can definitely relate to this. If there's a big task, I'll commit to only a part of it in the beginning. When that part is done, I'll either commit to the next small part or quit if I really feel like it. Most of the time I get all of it done, but if I were to commit to doing the whole thing from the very beginning, I would get stressed and irritated and be more likely to quit.
Thank you so much for this. Your videos are very much appreciated by me ❤️
Wow this really helps. Just wow. Thank you
I had never heard of this before, but it explains so much from my life. This has been quite the week of self discovery! (it was only about a week ago I discovered that I very likely am autistic. So much learning, reflecting, and realizing the effect it's had on my life over the last 35 years)
I had usually attributed these things to anxiety in the past. It is crazy how anxious I can get over appointments! And the things I use for excuses to have a reason to reschedule them. (as opposed to legit reasons for rescheduling, that aren't a screen for avoiding)
Holy mackerel, yes I experience demand avoidance.
Thank you for this video
That's a big help. Thank you
DA explains a lot about me making goals or even plans for the day, thinking then I ‘have’ to do it and then wanting to reject it. I do best doing whatever presents itself during the course of the day. I love making accomplishments everyday but not following rigid plans. I need room for creative and spontaneous work. Demands seriously make me anxious and angry and not want to do what is expected or required. I procrastinate terribly :(
Great video, really interesting to help understand esp re putting stuff In the diary. Can you talk at all about what works best in terms of when someone asks you to do something/makes a request (that might be felt as a demand). Good to know re the keep it as a plan but with an opening to see on the day.
Wow. Thanks. I didn't know there was a term for it. I have autism. The simple act of committing to something stresses me out. Something as simple as agreeing to have dinner with my family at a particular time and place... immediate overload, and I try to find a way out. Totally different: hanging out in a friend's back yard, throw some wings on the grill, chill.
"We're having dinner at 6:30 in the dining room." No thanks. Too much pressure. Please, no.
Please share with me the ways in which you break down and order "demand". Thank you.
Very interested in hearing more on your strategies to address demand avoidance!
Hi, I think this vudeo is super interested and think it may be applicable to myself. I would love to hear more. Thank you!
My 7 year old has always been this way! And omg this is so myself, I don't like to be told what to do, even by myself.
Yes, I experience it and i have ASD.
thank you i didnt know there was a word for this experience
Thanks for this Ella, I've just recently discovered your channel and it makes me very happy. I have hEDS and I've been wondering if I have some neurodevelopmental issues that I could do with understanding more. I watched this video with a very wry smile as I felt a strong connection to a lot of what you just described here. I'm ok with it though, I accept that I will probably never know really what's going on with me and I just try to do like you do, develop strategies that make everything more manageable. You are a great help with this so thank you for all you do :)
Hey I have hEDS too! I hope you find all the answers you’re looking for. I’m always looking too 😅
Thank you for sharing 😊💕
Yes please x
I had never put a name to this before so it was really useful. I used to hide my phone incase it rang, like it was a ticking time bomb
Another great video Ella 💜
I just came across your channel. This is my first video and it is eye opening. The Demand Monster is something that I just thought made me a poor employee at times. I have been unable to explain it. why can't I just complete this task, sometimes simple, and move on to the next. I know the deadline is approaching, but the monster is growing larger and louder. Then when I finally complete the task, usually late or just barely on time, I say to myself "never again". Ha...Anyway, any tips? Thanks.
Wow I stumbled upon something here it's confusing but it's explaining a lot of what I'm going through
Hey, I get that anxiety thing with just starting stuff. Especially when it's stuff I NEED to do.
I'm currently doing it right now with building up my case for PIP hearing. I have a list of what I need to do because I have to point out where they're wrong and explain how I struggle, which is a struggle in itself (and they claim that I'm fine with communication. I know, the irony).
I have a list that my friend made up for me... but, I think I need a literal person to do this with me step by step. It seems so simple but it's actually harder to start.
Especially in addition to my uni stuff for next year.
Thank you so much for this info! You have such a lovely voice btw. You could be a professional reader, etc.
I'm not sure whether I have some form of this, or I'm just a really bad procrastinator! The video was really informative, and your animated characters are terrific! 😃
Thank you! The characters are a new thing so I'm really glad of your appreciation.
I have a LOT of demand anxiety...
Also very relatable. I have similar issues with setting up my To-Do lists, so I only put there things that don't have clear timing. For timed events I setup reminders in a calendar, then try to put it out of my mind until the reminder is triggered. If there's a particularly stressful event, I try to keep a buffer of "clean" time around that event. Generally, i like to keep stressful events evenly spaced apart. Even so, it can happened that an unpredictable demand comes at the same time as the planned event and then my anxiety can get overwhelming.
Yes, if life would comply and be predictable and all our planned days went to plan that would really help! Life here can be super unpredictable because I have four other peoples unexpected happenings in the mix.
that is exactly what i am like too. thank you so much for explaining this so i can explain it to my therapist. Also, in the video you speed up at one stage and keep speaking at a very fast rate making it hard to keep up with you. Could you try to keep talking at the same rate you start out at? it would make it easier for me (and maybe other non native speakers) to follow. Love your videos BTW
Great video, very informative! A question for PDAers though, is it possible to have PDA and still be a people pleaser?
I'd love to hear more coping skills to deal with demand avoidance! From sun up to sun down, I feel anxiety in regard to every day demands, both internal and external.
does your eds give you problem chronic nerve impingement or problem with nerves trapping.
Very useful.
could Demand avoidance also manifest similarly to perfectionism, behaviourally at least, but is not the same driving force?
I'm wondering if there is something around level of capability with this issue. I am normally quite demand avoidant but I've held down jobs all my life. I'm now off sick with long Covid and am extremely demand avoidant. Many jobs I start doing and just stop part way through due to energy issues, but the things I really do have to do get put off and put off again and again. I'm supporting a friend following bereavement and can be quite useful to her. But not for me.
This sounds a lot like me, I honestly can't make to do lists because they scare me too much, I won't look at them again and/or I'll hide in my bed for the rest of the day. I want to do so many things but I'm too overwhelmed
I'm like this with appointments and tasks so I find it difficult to get things done. Think my 5 year old daughter has PDA, so I would love to hear your strategies please. Many thanks, Sharon
thankyou --- needed these tips and shared experiances today. Amazed; relate too much. Is PDA also an ADHD trait, or more autism?
Hi Ella,
I know this video is over a year old, so you might not see this. But as an autistic person who struggles with demand avoidance, I'd really like to know how you organize your demands. Did you ever make a video about those strategies you mentioned? Also, this video made me feel much less alone. Thank you for that.
-Collin
Hi from Australia purple Ella! I would love to find out more about the systems you use for keeping yourself organised you mentioned in your video.
I have a summer uni project I need to do, I have demand avoidance I was diagnosed with autism December 2019. I thought the reason I couldn't worj was because of my ADD. Could you please do a video of social interactions. I have trouble understanding people's intentions good or bad and how to work well in social situations please. I have been bullied and taken advantage of a lot and I have become more withdrawn as a result. I also don't think before I speak , especially if I feel someone is passive aggressive toward me I get fed up and try sticking up for myself by ultimatley people judging me and not wanting anything to do with me. How can I work well with people socially.? I love your videos by the way thank you very much. X
This weekend I told my sister I’d go help her move and I have been panicking since I told her cuz I’m mortified that I have this demand on me and it’s something that I would actually want to do but for some reason I’m freaking out right now and was already thinking of excusing myself out of it by saying I wasn’t feeling good.
Even with things that would bring pleasure…avoid avoid avoid! Now that I see what I’ve been doing all my life…well, I have to process this. I’ll be 50 next year and feel like I only accomplish about 10% of what I actually could if I didn’t get in my own way. Going to try some EFT to see if it helps. Thanks for the awareness!
Thank You Sweetie