I Keep Driving Men Away (Why?)
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- Опубліковано 2 чер 2023
- I Keep Driving Men Away (Why?)
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Dr John: “who left you, who hurt you?”
Caller: “haha well I wasn’t hurt that bad”….proceeds to say literally every person who mattered to her left😟
This poor girl. I hope she is able to heal from this and move forward in positive relationships.
"Whatever you think your hate is doing, love can do better."
Im a woman and I’ve been around many anxiously attached people of both genders and they’re extremely controlling!! Let’s not pretend that men are always the problem. I pray this young lady gets helps for her anxious attachment.
Exactly. Good that she can say how she really is.
This made me cry. So very sad how many people are emotionally harmed by actions in their childhood.
You got this girl… give yourself grace
Thank you, Dr. John, for being so gentle with this lady. Clinginess is one of the least surprising behaviors this caller has, given her past. I see a lot of myself in her. She has already examined aspects of why she is doing it, is reaching out for help, and called this show for good measure. This poor girl was abandoned by everyone she's ever Loved, and is trying to navigate through that, build better behaviors, and learn to trust. I've learned some healthier coping methods over the years, but being guarded in some ways is still something I have to work through. I am rooting for the caller so much. If she's reading this, I have many prayers and hugs for her.
Triggering for me.
My mother's priority was always and only my father.
Even though she was always present, her every living, breathing moment was spent talking about my father, thinking about my father, pinning for my father, criticizing my father.
I felt like a pawn, a bargaining chip to keep him chained to her, something to talk about.
Today my self worth is in the toilet. I don't think I'm worthy of anyone's attention or love.
These issues run so deep into your soul, they permeate every area of life.
Today I live a comfortable but very insulated life. I don't let people in, I am very guarded.
I long for real connections.
Let God heal you friend. Let Him be your first friend
You need to live your own life, get hobbies and do things by yourself or with other friends. Fill your own cup instead of looking for your partner to fill those needs. You are enough for yourself, love you!
What people must realize is that untreated trauma can lead to even more generations of trauma
Yes and most people are never treated and pass it on to their kids who pass it on to theirs:(.
“first i don’t want you to hate any part of yourself” - coming from a girl who feels exactly how the caller feels… thank you for accepting all parts of us. Even the ugly smothering pieces.
I used to be this same way. What helped was talking to a supportive partner about these feelings and building trust. Now when he spends time with friends away from me, it makes me happy because I get to see his joy. He comes back a better partner to me.
Finding a supportive partner when you have trauma is like finding a needle in a haystack or it is as rare as hens teeth!
My husband is my favorite person, yet I need time by myself. I can’t even be around my husband every day…it’s too tiring!
Definitely! A woman I work with is ALWAYS talking to her husband. He video calls her all day. She's always talking about him. People run when she walks into work lol
@@starrjohnson1327 lol!🤣🤣😂😂😁😁
I’m 62, still young at heart 💜 smothering is a huge turn off. I once was dating a guy and was feeling smothered. I had a dream I was in a car accident and the paramedics put me in a body bag and I kept unzipping it. I wasn’t dead. I broke up with the guy. This nightmare woke me up. I don’t do smothering well. LOL 😂
Hopefully she gets a good counselor.
Men be aware of a gf does not want you to hang out with your buddies or have a weekend away HUGE red flag.
You need to have strong boundaries, saying your time with friends is a non negotiable. If they pull away, try to manipulate, or threaten just end the relationship.
Empathetic response. Solution - heal your anxious attachment ❤
I come from a similar background as the caller and Im the opposite. I love being alone.
Being alone is the best. Relationships are a lot of work.
i saw your face when she said she hated herself and why. genuine care and empathy. Ugh
I tend to act like this caller . My husband has been very understanding. Dr John is right . Maybe acting with love rather than fear will lead to better results . But you have this feeling that if you lose control people will take advantage of you
She sounds like a very sweet person who is hurt. I wish you the the best Jennifer ❤
Poor girl. I bet she was a headache to be in a relationship with, but I feel for her.
It’s so important for this lady to learn to love herself and for her to realise she is a whole person who can be on her own as well as having hobbies, friends and interests separate to her romantic partner. Even with her soul mate she needs to keep her other interests and remain a whole person. We are responsible for our own happiness. And we need to have other interests and be involved in a wide community of people. Consider the infinity symbol ♾️ - a relationship like that is when two whole people come together and join. They have a joint relationship but still have hobbies, friends, and community of their own, and create new joint ones too.
Anxiously attached. Fear of abandonment because of a caregiver abandoning them. Fear of being unloveable. Girl therapy therapy therapy.
John you have a way of always speaking to the heart , love this!
How about we let her explain the situation before we throw out statements like “Sometimes guys just make stuff up to get out of relationships,” when that’s clearly not the case here.
I felt the same way! I’m glad that she was able to state that she is. Most people don’t know that they are controlling but she was sooooo objective about it. Otherwise, John might have screwed the whole call up.
My heart breaks for this caller.
She has an abandoning crisis and once she gets therapy, she’ll be ok but one thing I’m sure she’ll make an exceptional mum and wife
If she works on herself. As a mom she will smother her kid too - doing the opposite of what her mom did and control everything.
Goodness she needs therapy.
Lol nope. She needed a strong father
@fauxbro1983 She is obviously wounded by all of her family and it is affecting her life negatively. How would it not benefit her life to get therapy? She needed a strong father yes but you can't change the past.
Exactly what JD said.
therapy won't fix this their multiple problem that a therapist cannot be able to fix like rape and extreme childhood abuse (i have both) ...the therapist cannot become her dad or her mom no one can give her that now. She has to force herself to say that those situations are ok for her brain to be less in alerted and scare!
If a man said to a woman to basically choose between me or your family, its abuse. No different for a woman. Its controlling and abusive.
A very impressive approach in advisement to this young lady - well done Dr. John!
She needs to find a hobby and discover herself.. so she don’t feel that kind of attachment.
When she travels with friends she will find that it’s not so bad, having a break from a partner
Well my parents never left me and I feel the same way! I think my issue was I saw my parents being close and doing things together. But honestly I rather spend 2wks with my girl and my mom 🤷🏽♂️
My parents raised us that your spouse comes first....not even your parents or friends.
It’s hard….I was in love with my exhusband…..he would freak out every time I had any family and friends around. Totally unapologetic and unwilling to try to change. It was my fault because I was angry.
That's me 10 years ago....
she would have not feel has left out if he would of call her from his trip from times to time maybe each Sunday for both weeks or something to let know that he loves her and do think about her and that he is doing ok and he safe. Like he can easily plan 30 minutes to 1 hour of when he will call or do a zoom meeting with her. 2 hours of planning for her for the 2 weeks is nothing. Not only that it easy to do but it will help her heal and see that it ok to not always be with her partner.
For me a quick call or message is fine. A partner will worry as that is natural and it is just thoughtful to let them know you are okay. A lot of guys from what I have seen don't do this.
Her mom was an idiot and destroyed the family. Now daughter travels the same path.....
Idolatry never solves anything…
What has that got to do with anything?
She's controlling and abusive. If a man did this, basically telling a gf to pick him or his family, that's a big red flag. Be completely alone for at least 2 years, then try dating.
Although men can be prone to violence so it is more of a concern when they are controlling. Men have ended their partners.
That's too harsh because she didn't, she said clearly in the beginning that she hates this part of herself and seeks help and she already started working on it.
I can't take this call. I feel so bad for for 😢
@ L AV bad for who?
@@girlygirl1890 for her. My bad. Typo
This is why making the Lord the most important thing in your life is crucial before jumping into a relationship.
Yes yes and yes. People will always fail and you will too, but Jesus never will! People will always leave but Jesus never will!
💯
And I've known plenty of people who made the lord the most important in their lives and it ended up making them just as controlling and narcissistic
You have work through your trauma and find ways to give back to others and community /society in ways that are manageable while you do therapy. You have to find an activity that you enjoy to reward yourself with. You don't have to include religion of isnt for you.
Maybe for some but not for everyone. My husband and I are both atheist and we’ve been married 17 years. Yeah we’ve had ups and downs like anyone but so far we always work through it. Relationships can work without god or religion. But I’m glad that works for you! 😊✌🏻
I bet there is no air around this person. Basically she’s presenting herself as a psycho to her boyfriend. Unless she’s a 9 or a 10, no sane guy will put up with her crap for a second. She’s gonna learn it either way
No "sane guy" would look at other human beings as loveless as objectifying them, reducing them with a number for looks. Now that's psycho indeed.
Oh my god, I have left people like this. It's too codependent for me, yuck. I love traveling solo and even took a promotion for a year without my husband, to Korea. We don't have to be joined at the hip 24/7.
@Andre not in the military world. It's common place.
"How do I fix this?" A man sure isn't gonna do it. A relationship isn't gonna do it.
Talk about burying the lede…
Anxious attachment going on for her
12:23 😭😭😭😭
I don't think she was suffocating, he probably didn't give her enough attention, treated her as a hookup, maybe it wasn;t even a relationship, so he didn;t want to really commit and left. She probably asked to be introducted to family, friends etc, I got that 1 month in without even asking for it. I think she sleeps with them too soon, then she gets anxious "what are we".
She's not you though. 🙂
Both are probably true. Poor thing probably doesn’t know what a healthy relationship is, so highly likely she doesn’t know how to pick a good partner.
@@marla-singer here lies the rub men have with women who typically do not like to see themselves as the one not being the good partner for the guy. Maybe the guy knows how to pick a good partner, and see that she will not be a good one. And she needs to work on herself to see her blind spots.
while i respect that perspective Fly & Shy as its plausible. i felt like after her explanation of her past, i sensed she is giving off that "needy" vibe to guys which can be very off putting. i do wish DR. D has probed a little more into any other signs she is suffocating instead of one example of his skiing trip. oh well. i do wish her well whatever the case may be.
@@MijoShrek The caller said a lot of people in her life did not agree with her ex’s claim that she was smothering him. So, yes it is possible both of them have issues to work on.
Dr. John dropped the ball a little on this call. Understand that her past has ALOT to do with WHY she is this way, but you still have to hold people accountable for their actions. She clearly said she has been like this in most ALL of her relationships. When she said she could not even FATHOM her partner going to spend time with someone else because they should be spending time with HER, that is a serious problem. Especially, she said she didnt even want him to spend time on a trip with his Dad. That's right....his own DAD. I'm not a therapist, but she should have been told that that's definately a Nooooo. She should encourage his time with his dad. Like really? If your partner can't even spend time with family because you feel they need to be with you 100%, then that's a SERIOUS problem and you should be told how serious that is. It's serious. I'm not trying to be rude, but stop pacifying these people and making excuses because of their pasts and hold them accountable. So yes, I agree with what John said, but I think he should have made it clear to her that this HAS to change, is controlling, and unacceptable..."regardless" of her past. Sorry.
Completely agree. Our childhoods maybe be an explanation, but people today are far too quick to place redlining others instead of looking at our own choices and behaviors. Doomed to always repeat.
He did gently tell her that. There's a fine line between telling someone they need to change and reading the riot act
We're divided into 2 groups: those who think he was too easy on her and women who blame her boyfriend for not coddling her enough
No we are not. Maybe you are.
The work she had to do, and already began with is far from 'easy', it's hard, confronting.
3:20 Honestly I would hate it, when a woman makes me the solid point of her attention. I would understand if her boyfriend NEVER do trips with her and only with his friends or other people and they could not spend some time together. But this guy went with his father to a skiing trip and she can't handle that?
I would lose it, if I had to have a discussion about this.
Better get this show big before Uncle Dave has to live in his last timeshare after his lawsuit
Dave can not be touched, even said a year ago this would happen. His cult is far too powerful and it's possible that he has developed nuclear weapons in the tunnels under his campus.
I KNEW it, this girl's Dad wasn't all that into her Mom in the first place. Sounds like my brother's ex.
Wooooah. Good for him. I would’ve gotten as far as possible from her too
Wasn't all her, I drove her away too.
That's because she forced you to create another reality because she controlled every minute of your time that she could. Don't take the fall for it, you don't deserve anymore guilt than you probably recieved from her.
@John lol. It was a joke dude. Prime example why u shouldn't reply to comments. I never do.
@@tomnohmy1273 That was mean. Pay him ten dollars. :0)
@megalopolis2015 what was mean. Why do u care about a person commenting on my comment that got it wrong. Again. I rarely if ever pat attention to other people's comments. I have a life
@megalopolis2015 the rare time I do reply is when I see a racist comment or someone so obviously being a bully other than that don't pay attention.
Always find a way to blame the guy and have her avoid responsibility for her behavior. It’s not helpful to tell her the guy might be full of bs.
Yeah, that comment pissed me off too. Thankfully this young lady was self aware enough to not change her stance and didn’t try to blame her ex.
He said SOMETIMES guys are full of bs. It's helpful to explore all the options til he found the right one. Thus him saying that and her being able to dismiss it is helpful.
@@GirlgonewiseI know right. Whew!
Unfortunately people who have been through the trauma she endured are often attracted to people who do not choose them and then try to control. It's sadly very common. I am glad we got the full story as to what was happening. May she adopt the belief that she is worthy regardless of how her parents treated her. That was there stuff.
That's not what I heard. The guy might not have handled things very well, and he might even be elusive. Hard to say. But the caller definitely has a lot to work on, either way. She is even setting up to speak with a therapist now, so she clearly wants to change this behavior.
Your Too controlling sweetie. I loved when my ex husband used to go with his friends. Once a year he would usually went hunting for two weeks, that was the longest. We need to trust our relationship or else, the guys feel smothered.
Calling people "sweetie" is so condescending. This is such an unhelpful comment. She knows she has an issue.
Right like all that time spent being condescending and you couldn’t even bother to spell the first word Right.
You’re , sweetie.
14:00 she's extremely broken and disfunctional
You are just an old dude who lost the excitement in marriage...nothing wrong with being excited about a new human being who is exciting to be around.
Seriously Dr. John, can we not always assume the man is to be blamed when dealing with female callers. It’s sucks that you’re a man and it’s your automatic response in so many of these callers. A woman will clearly be in the wrong and you’ll ask her…Are you safe? Like what the hell? I’m a wife, a mother of boys, a sister and a daughter. Sure men can be shitty but women are equally shitty. Let’s stop this believe all women and blame all men narrative.
He never once said the man was to blame. Not in the entire video. He simply said the reason she feels a certain way was because of how she was treated as a child. He wasn't blaming the man.
@@terotivities6731 why even jump to that before hearing why she feels the way she feels?
@@Girlgonewise because she needs to work through those emotions so that she can let them go, and act better in her next romantic relationship.
You may want to listen to the entire call. He faulted her parents not the previous boyfriend(s)
@@melissam7067 I don't think he was blaming her parents for how she acted. He was saying her difficult feelings/fear of abandonment were because of how her parents treated her. How she acted on those feelings are all on her.
Sounds like you have BPD baby girl. I’m so so so sorry.
The word “significant other” makes me laugh out loud, it’s like the word “partner”. BaHaHa! Just use the real word: boyfriend, girlfriend, wife, or husband. Anything else sounds FAKE AF, pure delusion.
The word partner sounds so sterile...like a business partner
@@princess199799 when I hear partner, I think of the same sex.
people may whatever words work for them.
You can be a whole husband or wife and still not be a partner....that's why so many people get divorced--they were never partners to each other.
This women needs psychiatric help!!!🙄