By sorting these kind of emotional things out, I am finally gaining the headspace necessary to do algebra. It doesn't make sense to judge people's performance in abstract topics like math when they are stuck in permanent fight-or-flight-mode. Sadly, that is what education systems around the world do.
They should teach basic psychology to understand human behaviour as this is where it comes from. Such as Pavlov's dogs. Then we could decide for ourselves. Societal norms and how to conduct relationships change all the time. What is seen as a red flag was once seen as romantic gestures. Copying used to be seen as flattery and a way to impress people but since the film Single White Female, it is seen as creepy and possibly dangerous. Few people like fakes and copy cats.
The public education system is tasked with indoctrination and status quo standards. If humans learned from an early age how to coexist in authentic community with each other a lot of important people wouldn't be able to profit from our misery and mayhem. My life probably would have been completely different and better had I learned any of this stuff.
My partner goes into lawyer mode when we argue, and I get defensive and just cannot think so end up shutting down. I know it has to do with my childhood trauma. This explains so much. Thank you. I hope this helps us.
Just starting this video. Growing up, nothing was ever addressed. I wasn't allowed to feel. Everything was invalidated or minimized. In relationships, I was mistreated and just accepted it. My last relationship was highly abusive emotionally and mentally, and I walked on egg shells but eventually left. Now in my current relationship, I'M actually the one that seems to be triggered, abusive, toxic and my partner is the one who shuts down but sometimes gets reactive because I push him so much. I have never been this way so I don't know what to do about it.
I feel this way too. All you can do is be honest about what you are struggling with. Hold yourself accountable when you mess up. Work on trying to understand them and how to go at their pace as well. Its hard. Therapy helps a lot.
I can do the 1-2-3 on the spot, going into detail about which part of my childhood caused me to have an overwhelmingly emotional response to whatever happened, but all my partner can say is, ”I was angry.” 🤷🏻♀️ He can’t access any more nuance than that, or even the sorrow and hurt underneath the anger.
Same here! For me, the next time we fight about the same issue …my trauma gets thrown back in my face. Says that’s not me!!! And he walks out on me!!! Which i wasn’t saying he was that way. I was trying to be vulnerable and open up…hoping he would understand and possibly connect. And the defense starts all over again 😩
I highly recommend Terrence (Terry) Real's trio of books. This 123 tool is great but the problem is many men in our culture have trouble connecting with hurt feelings and don't even have the capability of introspection due to how men are forced to leave that as kids in favour of stoicism. Men have not changed much in recent times but women absolutely have. You two are on completely different levels when it comes to talking things out. You need a completely different approach. These books really helped me.
I’m normally very optimistic person but this video may not have a lot of views because a lot of people don’t want to improve their relationships - they want to complain about them. Healthy isn’t as interesting!
I needed this at this exact time last year. He's gone now, but I'm still working on me. I wish things had turned out better because I loved him deeply.
Omg I found you on UA-cam because I knew I had been being triggered so I started looking into shadow work!!! You popped up so on point I’ve been constantly listening. I talked to my counselor today and she was telling me that I have to listen to this guy who has been through the same things she said im trying to find his name. I said is it Patrick Teahan she was like I h yes!!! I said I’ve been listening to him for days!!! Totally awesome
I think what he said meant run TO couples therapy (rather than walking there/ taking your time deciding to go) not don't go to therapy. The awkward pause in the middle didn't help with the interpretation though.
I really identify with the ferris wheel/clock regarding intimacy. I''ll be quiet, not bring anything personal up, and once a month I beg my husband to talk to me. He yells, runs away, and avoids talking about anything. Rinse repeat next month.
Watching this is only frustrating. I get the answer is in my statement. I also know that once I own my own transgressions, I'm immediately given a mirror and the entirety of the issues in the relationship become mine to fix alone. Therefore, I fix me, they fix me and they continue to set the home on fire. This video assumes there isn't one person begging the other person to seek help together, and the other person pointing out how I already assumed responsibility, therefore I need to fix it. Good times
The final slide describes me & my other half’s fighting styles to a T. I’m at far left (& I know it and with a lot of work beginning to understand, and more importantly acknowledge, why) he’s at far right but is unaware and currently not interested in being aware so it’s quite hard to know how to start to change things. I’d never heard term ‘lawyer mode’ but have always felt as if I’m on the stand and need to defend myself with a water tight response but I can never find one as his case is always so forcefully presented with such conviction of his blamelessness that I totally back down. Can one partner change and this changes the dynamic? Can one person working on themselves ever be enough? Couples therapy is not an option at the moment.
Gosh how I wish these videos were about when my family was young, I may have realised how dysfunctional my family of origin was and gained the knowledge earlier therefore improved the family i brought up
Try practicing mindfulness! Like meditation techniques. And practice building a habit of breathing when upset. Over time these habits will make being mindful in the moment easier.
Come on, Michael, we both know that doesn't work (or..at best, it's not reliable to try to do it that way). You are not supposed to "remember" it, you're supposed to practice it. Write it down...step by step. Heck, if it works for you, write each step in different colors on a page of computer paper and slide it into one of the clear plastic paper pockets so you can grab it when you need it. Don't be embarassed, this is like learning a new *foreign* language. Read it over every morning and every night. It will take less than 2 minutes. Keep that clear plastic paper pocket next to the bed and grab it first thing in the am and last thing before you go to sleep. More importantly, TELL YOUR PARTNER ABOUT IT. This way, they know what you are doing and can practice this method WITH YOU and you won't have to do it by yourself. Make an agreement to *work on resolving arguments healthily to preserve love for one another*. You can def do this with a lot of practice if you can get your partner on board and work together. You should each have at least one copy and you can each hold a copy to reference while you are talking. Come on, as we are growing up and learning to adult, we do this kind of thing even with our friends. We figure stuff out together. Or, if a friend knows something you don't know, you ask them. We do this when we are kids, teens, and younger adults. We can also do it as adults. If your partner makes fun of you, tell them you are serious, and remind them that fighting destroys the fabric of your relationship, and you don't want it to be tattered and torn just to "win" an argument. Let your partner that you want to resolve issues so both people feel respected, appreciated, and loved. Each person in any relationship (be it friend, family, colleague, or romantic partner) brings in strengths and weaknesses. If we could agree to help one another and to understand that each of us has different strengths and weaknesses...no judgment...and that some people know things we don't, and vice versa...then we can help one another. Think back to being a kid and learning a new trick of some kind. Maybe we saw someone pop a wheelie on their bicycle, and then we ask, "Hey, how'd you do that? Show me!" Or maybe we'd just go off and try it 50-100 times until we learned how to balance on that back wheel. This should never end through out our life. We keep learning and learning new things so that we get better and better, and we also help younger people when we they ask or if we see them struggling we ask if they'd like a tip from someone else who has already done it. You can do this...just like that wheelie...but it takes 50-100 tries just like learning that fun bicycle trick did.
Ok, Mr. Patrick, sadly I am on the far right in the arguing situation. I feel bad about it, but I admit it. Why do I do it, and how do I stop doing it? Would you please make a video on this? Thank you so much!
We are both initiators and fight tooth and nail. Maybe there is shame for both of us, but when we fight I only see that my partner gets in lawyer mode and puts me to the ground because I initiated stuff several times about my dissatisfaction in his input in the domestic field. He doesn't like to be bugged, but I totally feel disrespected having to do all the invisible housework and atop of that be called a maniac, like all of it is only important to me. I think we are very different what concerns values. 1-2-3 can be really dangerous when only one of us had therapy, and only one of us elicits empathy during the fight.
It does not matter if the person accused is guilty and therefore the other deserves someone better, or if the accuser is a horrible drain and the accused is innocent and therefore deserves someone better. Being alone is also preferable to being with the other for eiter in either situation. If you can't trust someone, you are either a drain or they are guilty, but it all leads back to there being absolutely nothing but codependency or some kind of abuse as a result. Therefore, the answer is to break up. I know everyone gets preoccupied with wanting to know which it is, but the truth is SOMEONE in the scenario deserves to be free of that draining crap, and the other would let them go if they weren't so selfish. Stop being so desperate for love that you pretend this crap is good enough. If you are too much of a coward to be alone until you find someone who actually is a good match, you will most definitely not get real love as a result. You will just get this common disposable garbage described in all these scenarios. Exactly how is any of it better than being alone? You will not find a decent person who actually likes you for who you are and is compatible if you waste your time with someone else , a good person doesn't want to be your side piece.
Thanks so much for your videos! I love how you explain and clarify. Please make a video about TRUST and healing/repairing childhood trauma from betrayal, neglect or lack of protection and safety.
Thanks for this video. My husband goes into lawyer mode in all of our arguments. He's extremely hypocritical and refuses to talk about things after the fact. If I hit the mark at any point, he'll either side step what I said, change the subject, push it back onto me, outright deny something he just said, constantly cuts me off, etc. I know he's defensive out of self protection, and maybe got criticized by his parents or teachers growing up. I also think he looks for power at home because he's struggling in his career, and I suspect he's seen a lot of this kind of behaviour w his parents. He doesn't try to get to the truth of an issue, he just tries to win it. I know he also projects other people's faults onto me. These are very touchy subjects for him though, and he has said he will not consider therapy. Although he is an excellent partner in a lot of ways (including housework) he is chauvinistic in arguments. He thinks all my complaints are illogical, my anger hysterical, and that in a disagreement I shouldn't talk back. He wasn't like this when we met. We both feel that we're not being heard, but for me the bigger thing is that he can't admit he's wrong (even if I tell him I am willing to work on my own faults, too), and we can't talk about it without it turning into an argument. He's so defensive nothing I say, no matter how nicely or calmly worded makes a difference. Tbh he gets so angry I feel he wants to lash out physically. He uses marijuana, alcohol, and cigarettes to self-heal his emotions. If he doesn't have marijuana I am walking on eggshells around him all day... I think it's partly withdrawl, but career/financial stress is the larger factor. In the past when finances were better, or on vacation, he didn't use much of any of those three things and was in a much better mood. I always try to encourage him and build him up, but honestly the cigs/pot/alcohol is really expensive...I try to think of it as medicine, and it's his choice how he spends his money, but it bothers me when I see him forgo buying clothes or other necessities because he spends it on pot etc. I don't nag him about it though. Anyways, sorry for the rant...I want to avoid divorce, and I want to talk about these things w him...but I can't seem to make anything happen in our hours between 9 and 12.
I can identify with this in every point except my ex didn't do household chores. I am a big believer of everyone being on their own journey with their own time and their own reasons. I am saying something here even though in general I believe in not offering un-asked-for advice, because you are reaching out by posting this, so perhaps you are open to some perspectives. If my comment doesn't resonate with you, please disregard it. I will say that for me, allowing myself to stop trying to figure out why he had to treat me badly (childhood, mental health, PTSD, substance, career, etc.) and letting myself contemplate and then later follow through with divorce has made my life better than I ever thought possible, even when I was young and in love. In other words, the life I envisioned when I took his arm at the altar and walked out of the church with him, with Vivaldi playing in the background was not as good as the life I live now on a random Tuesday. The book "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft and this UA-cam video ua-cam.com/video/V1yW5IsnSjo/v-deo.html changed my life. My ex also did not physically abuse me, but he got closer and closer to the line the harder I hung on to staying married. Mental and emotional abuse (including being shown that I didn't matter to my partner at all, on a daily and hourly basis) has physical repercussions, including autoimmune issues, cortisol problems, sleep problems, etc. My ex was my biggest fan while we were dating and engaged, and up until we had our first kid. Then, everything I said was hysterical and illogical, all my friends and family were stupid and mean, I was overemotional whenever I said anything, and culpable for all disagreements if I didn't say anything. My happiness has value, and in accepting that (and the fact that I would have to do really hard things to get there), my life began to change direction. Lots of encouragement to you in whatever goals you have for your relationship, all your own decisions, etc.
Idk... is he really that great of a partner? Kinda sounds like he doesn't care about your feelings. I have trauma and I sometimes do the things you described happening to you, to my boyfriend, like not admitting I am wrong, using lawyer mode, trying to *win* a fight. But I am actively going to therapy, I actively try to admit when I am in a clearer headspace what I was wrong about, and to apologize, and ask him how he really feels and take into account how my actions make him feel. Even though I didn't intend to hurt I still did. And I actually left a relationship in the past because I felt I was dumping all my trauma on him and he didn't deserve that. Your partner is not willing to take accountability for his actions. That is not okay. He has a responsibility to manage his own trauma to be a good partner to you. He needs to be working on himself actively. Otherwise hes just blindly repeating his own abuse, and becoming abusive. Which is exactly what my parents did. Abuse is abuse even if the abuser is reenacting their past trauma. You do not deserve that. I know it seems like a lot, but I genuinely think from reading this that you should leave him. Your partner shouldn't ever make you feel like your emotions don't matter, and no amount of housework or other surface level stuff makes the emotional abuse okay. Also my mother stayed married to my father and has literally said things you said like "well I think he is stressed with work" " he was drinking more at that part of your childhood" etc. She is a broken woman after trying to make decades of a shitty marriage work with him. Don't do that to yourself. She should have divorced him a long time ago for her sake and for our sake. I learned from my aunt that many of the things he did to us were things that happened to him as a kid. But he was never willing to admit he was responsible for his actions. There was always an excuse. Oh and btw if this man ever does go to therapy and try to work on himself. He will only do it when he is alone. He won't do it for you or anyone else. Take it from someone who knows exactly how my father feels because I'm like him and I am trying to figure out how not to become him. I didn't start trying to do the self-work till I was truly alone and many ppl don't.
Wow this is the most straight forward, concise, well thought out and presented issue with the psychological background and solutions all packed in there, much thanks to u Mr. Teahan!
Your knocking it out of the park, wow. Really getting through to me and the behavior behind it. Thanks man, really appreciate your support and knowledge. Takes one to know one is more accurate than I thought, at least the best information out there, Ramani , Carter, imagine who else through the years? Multi generational, it’s pretty obvious at this point what is going on, we were taught to be the “silent generation”MEN , suck it up buttercup. Mom’s generation was a woman needed to be quiet and sexy. Silent no more, and don’t have to be obnoxious about it either 😂
Excellent video. Would be interesting to apply this to the typical make narcissist and female co dependent. Especially where children are in the family and hiw make and female roles and patterns evolve. I suspect this is where the true misogyny lives.
And what to do if a spouse just sits and listens silently and it ends there? No feedback, sympathetic look, but not anything more... Like you just poured your heart to a flower pot?
Try asking them why they don't feel very talkative (not in an accusatory way). they may be shutting down from trauma, they may be deeply thinking, they may not realize that there is more that needs to be said for things to feel resolved. You'll prob be surprised by the answer if you really make an effort to make sure they feel safe and comfortable speaking, including safe being critical of you.
Wow! As a self-identified fearful avoidant, I was worried that having the same fights meant it might be the wrong person, and now I’m 100% sure it’s just unresolved trauma.
I know he recommends “Codependent No More” for people who resonate with his video on codependency. He is wonderful and I am so grateful for his videos.
Hi!! Im a lpcc and have been learning so much from you regarding Trauma and couples. You are such a gift 🎁 I wanted to suggest doing a video on perfectionism I have been studying this lately because it's showing up in my room ALOT LATELY. 😁
Patrick, I don't tend to comment much on videos. You came to my attention almost by accident. The way you explain these concepts is brilliant (I am a visual learner, with attention deficit). I am extremely helpful to your channel, thank you, thank you, thank you!
I am the lawyer. But how to prevent “gathering a case against…”? As the video said, I have “the itching” to say something about my partner being irresponsible (e. g, the bills, as also mentioned). And then, I am right about the fact that one has to pay bills (or I have to do it myself so it is done!). How to stop it!? I think I need a more responsible partner though, but is it avoiding the fact that I am a “lawyer”? Please reference me some sources to look at for clarification 🙏🏻
Hi, I love this. I love the clarity you give to complex issues. Only one thing I didn't understand. When you say do the opposite towards the end, what do you mean? Surely not the opposite end if the spectrum you outlined, as neither are healthy responses? Please could you explain this somewhere (I'll watch some more of your videos in the hope you explain this somewhere else).
#3 is so hard especially if a partner suffers from neurodivergence or schizophrenia…. Literally all u can do is give up and settle for agape without the intimacy u signed up for.
So helpful. I like the clear image of the wheel/clock to understand the critical phase in an argument. What I don't get is, the (in my eyes) very strong advise to run, in case of a trust dynamic. Don't many couples/traumasurvivors have issues with trust? I know the doubt and fear myself, probably stemming from my parents dynamic around my father cheating. And though I have these fears and thoughts around my partner lying to me, I would never ask for him to prove it. But I life with the fears at times (they are situational depending on my overall state of mind and interesting Serotonin helps me to not have those thoughts). We've grown incredibly in our relationship and build trust. That is why I don't get this 'absolut' recommendation to break away and not make space to work on that.
I’m really shocked since I just had a convo over the same fight that hasn’t stopped . I said I feel like I am talking to a lawyer . What is it called or how can a person who can’t ever see their stuff ? Ex. Addiction ( bf called her out . This is common. The moms are not only hated . The arguments get really heightened when the mom is there. ( daughter lies or is in denial / bf tells all and almost boasting about serious issues that he isn’t willing to change ex. Admit he won’t work ) I completely know this is dysfunctional and I do more than own mine . With every issue of theirs I then know how strong/weak I am ? This is when I am working on myself and understand I have no boundaries . Please help
What if issues are somthing that can't be solved, because ASD partner can't live up their partner's expection. It feels like non-ASD partner's way or the highway. It seems like if issues gets sloved then everything will be perfect. What if issues need be sloved by alternative choices. Is their grieving process that can help non-ASD partner get over not having their way.
Yes even though I"m 50 my parents really back each other up dictating the style of communication; ie, none. Then my brother SHAMES me for "upsetting mum and dad". I feel like im tired of this charade. I get nothing out of playing the part of daughter in their family.
Hello Patrick. I wanted to know if it is ok to post a link of this video on a post on Quora to make people aware of your advice along with 123 step link? For those who are struggling and how they can fix their relationship and if couples therapy is for them unless they are experiencing the Trust & Control Issues like at minute 8:10. I would just post a link of your video and the 123 step or just the video link, I would never pass by saying this is my video or anything like that. I have no degree. I just want to help people not to make the same mistakes I did. I ask before acting because I just saw a video of a Life Coach here on UA-cam that was having issues with that. Thank you Patrick for your time.
Honestly, if someone cheats, the relationship is over. Sure, you can stay together. You can go to therapy. You can work on the issues. However, the love and trust will never again be what it once was or what it could have been. People who cheat and have kids are especially sad, because the children are likely to perceive the cheating parent as the problem, because they are the most obvious person who put their future in jeopardy and destroyed their family stability. It can take them many years, even decades, before they ever forgive the cheating parent and understand that it had nothing to do with them, even though it destroyed their sense of stability at home. If you are a cheater, just don't have kids. Seriously. Kids don't deserve you dumping your problems onto their tiny shoulders.
I know, I was a bit put off by the "run away from this person immediately". Not to mention that if they willingly demonstrate signs of dishonesty, then the lack of trust is, dare I say, justified?
It would be nice if this was possible with only one side committed to it. I experience a lot of this same stuff with my dad, and I consistently own when I screw something up. I try not to screw up, but when I realize or am made aware that I have, I apologize for it. Not once have I ever heard him own up to his. We just had another argument last night, and I was waiting the whole time to see if he would own up to anything. He never did. I can't keep trying to fix our relationship if he's going to keep putting everything on me, and I'm at the point where I'm done trying to fix things if he isn't also willing to see a therapist.
One of the situations you described is PERFECTLY ON POINT what happened to me the other day with a friend/coworker. 1.They came with this "unresolved issue" that they never mentioned for months 2. "The fighting" - they went on an angry rant and made sure to bring public. They made sure a third person was there to echo them. (PS - I tried not to participate but I was shocked and tried to defend myself. Every word I would say just started them both even worse.) 3. "The door slam" - even if I did not fight with them they made sure to still come after me and show me something I´ve done wrong and end it with "I rest my case" (on a tone that told you how utterly stupid you are) 4. "I made brownies" - after the rant they were suddenly calmer and more friendly (???????). At some point they dropped the line "We´re all being a bit bossy today" on a joking friendly tone (regarding a conversation I was having with the third person that they were not a part of). That .... was a weird day. I was like watching a freak show 😳 .... But the freak show tries to suck you in.
I grieve for not finding this sooner. The relationship is already over.
Profound. Why don’t we teach this stuff in school? It’s more useful than algebra. Thank you for always having clear cut examples
By sorting these kind of emotional things out, I am finally gaining the headspace necessary to do algebra. It doesn't make sense to judge people's performance in abstract topics like math when they are stuck in permanent fight-or-flight-mode. Sadly, that is what education systems around the world do.
They should teach basic psychology to understand human behaviour as this is where it comes from. Such as Pavlov's dogs. Then we could decide for ourselves.
Societal norms and how to conduct relationships change all the time. What is seen as a red flag was once seen as romantic gestures. Copying used to be seen as flattery and a way to impress people but since the film Single White Female, it is seen as creepy and possibly dangerous. Few people like fakes and copy cats.
The public education system is tasked with indoctrination and status quo standards. If humans learned from an early age how to coexist in authentic community with each other a lot of important people wouldn't be able to profit from our misery and mayhem. My life probably would have been completely different and better had I learned any of this stuff.
My partner goes into lawyer mode when we argue, and I get defensive and just cannot think so end up shutting down. I know it has to do with my childhood trauma. This explains so much. Thank you. I hope this helps us.
Just starting this video. Growing up, nothing was ever addressed. I wasn't allowed to feel. Everything was invalidated or minimized. In relationships, I was mistreated and just accepted it. My last relationship was highly abusive emotionally and mentally, and I walked on egg shells but eventually left. Now in my current relationship, I'M actually the one that seems to be triggered, abusive, toxic and my partner is the one who shuts down but sometimes gets reactive because I push him so much. I have never been this way so I don't know what to do about it.
I feel this way too. All you can do is be honest about what you are struggling with. Hold yourself accountable when you mess up. Work on trying to understand them and how to go at their pace as well. Its hard. Therapy helps a lot.
I’m feeling the same way. Dealing with being abused and narcs I’ve had it and have turned into something I don’t recognize or like.
Thank you so much! I understood a great deal about our conflicts from this short video! And the pictures are fantastic!!
I can do the 1-2-3 on the spot, going into detail about which part of my childhood caused me to have an overwhelmingly emotional response to whatever happened, but all my partner can say is, ”I was angry.” 🤷🏻♀️ He can’t access any more nuance than that, or even the sorrow and hurt underneath the anger.
eep. Been there -_- can't wriggle out more emotional awareness and connection out of them.
Same here! For me, the next time we fight about the same issue …my trauma gets thrown back in my face. Says that’s not me!!! And he walks out on me!!! Which i wasn’t saying he was that way. I was trying to be vulnerable and open up…hoping he would understand and possibly connect. And the defense starts all over again 😩
I highly recommend Terrence (Terry) Real's trio of books. This 123 tool is great but the problem is many men in our culture have trouble connecting with hurt feelings and don't even have the capability of introspection due to how men are forced to leave that as kids in favour of stoicism. Men have not changed much in recent times but women absolutely have. You two are on completely different levels when it comes to talking things out. You need a completely different approach. These books really helped me.
Honestly, when people wont budge like that then its grounds to think if they're really good for you.
@@StarmenRock Interesting how things have changed since I wrote the initial comment. As per your insight, I am no longer together with that person!
I can flip from one end of the spectrum to the other, depending on the trigger/issue.
I am surprised that this presentation does not have more views/comments. It really spoke to me. Thank you!
Agreed!
I’m normally very optimistic person but this video may not have a lot of views because a lot of people don’t want to improve their relationships - they want to complain about them. Healthy isn’t as interesting!
Yes agreed
I don't have a partner, but since I find Patricks videos very helpful, I will watch it anyway. Who knows, right? 💁♀️🙏
Yes me too...👍
I needed this at this exact time last year. He's gone now, but I'm still working on me. I wish things had turned out better because I loved him deeply.
Omg I found you on UA-cam because I knew I had been being triggered so I started looking into shadow work!!! You popped up so on point I’ve been constantly listening. I talked to my counselor today and she was telling me that I have to listen to this guy who has been through the same things she said im trying to find his name. I said is it Patrick Teahan she was like I h yes!!! I said I’ve been listening to him for days!!! Totally awesome
Isn't that strange advice? "Run, don't go to couple therapy, its gonna be a lot of work "
I think what he said meant run TO couples therapy (rather than walking there/ taking your time deciding to go) not don't go to therapy. The awkward pause in the middle didn't help with the interpretation though.
Very helpful and eye opening!!!
I really identify with the ferris wheel/clock regarding intimacy. I''ll be quiet, not bring anything personal up, and once a month I beg my husband to talk to me. He yells, runs away, and avoids talking about anything. Rinse repeat next month.
LisaAnn915...thought you may enjoy this:
ua-cam.com/video/814eR5K7KD8/v-deo.html
LOL .... sounds crazy and super normal...
Wow... that is not healthy. Was it like this before the marriage?
@@KD-ou2np yes
@@lisaann915 then why the hell did you marry him? What the fuck...
We just ran a 9-12 tonight. Thanks for this!
Watching this is only frustrating. I get the answer is in my statement. I also know that once I own my own transgressions, I'm immediately given a mirror and the entirety of the issues in the relationship become mine to fix alone. Therefore, I fix me, they fix me and they continue to set the home on fire. This video assumes there isn't one person begging the other person to seek help together, and the other person pointing out how I already assumed responsibility, therefore I need to fix it. Good times
I’m a caregiver and these videos are very helpful in working with my clients.
I didn’t expect “run” as an answer 😱😕😕 it’s exactly our situation ....
The final slide describes me & my other half’s fighting styles to a T. I’m at far left (& I know it and with a lot of work beginning to understand, and more importantly acknowledge, why) he’s at far right but is unaware and currently not interested in being aware so it’s quite hard to know how to start to change things. I’d never heard term ‘lawyer mode’ but have always felt as if I’m on the stand and need to defend myself with a water tight response but I can never find one as his case is always so forcefully presented with such conviction of his blamelessness that I totally back down. Can one partner change and this changes the dynamic? Can one person working on themselves ever be enough? Couples therapy is not an option at the moment.
Gosh how I wish these videos were about when my family was young, I may have realised how dysfunctional my family of origin was and gained the knowledge earlier therefore improved the family i brought up
I’m reading Inner Bonding by Margaret Paul. It is life changing. Thank you
I wish I could actually remember this in the moment
Try practicing mindfulness! Like meditation techniques. And practice building a habit of breathing when upset. Over time these habits will make being mindful in the moment easier.
Come on, Michael, we both know that doesn't work (or..at best, it's not reliable to try to do it that way).
You are not supposed to "remember" it, you're supposed to practice it. Write it down...step by step. Heck, if it works for you, write each step in different colors on a page of computer paper and slide it into one of the clear plastic paper pockets so you can grab it when you need it. Don't be embarassed, this is like learning a new *foreign* language.
Read it over every morning and every night. It will take less than 2 minutes. Keep that clear plastic paper pocket next to the bed and grab it first thing in the am and last thing before you go to sleep.
More importantly, TELL YOUR PARTNER ABOUT IT. This way, they know what you are doing and can practice this method WITH YOU and you won't have to do it by yourself. Make an agreement to *work on resolving arguments healthily to preserve love for one another*.
You can def do this with a lot of practice if you can get your partner on board and work together. You should each have at least one copy and you can each hold a copy to reference while you are talking.
Come on, as we are growing up and learning to adult, we do this kind of thing even with our friends. We figure stuff out together. Or, if a friend knows something you don't know, you ask them. We do this when we are kids, teens, and younger adults. We can also do it as adults.
If your partner makes fun of you, tell them you are serious, and remind them that fighting destroys the fabric of your relationship, and you don't want it to be tattered and torn just to "win" an argument. Let your partner that you want to resolve issues so both people feel respected, appreciated, and loved.
Each person in any relationship (be it friend, family, colleague, or romantic partner) brings in strengths and weaknesses. If we could agree to help one another and to understand that each of us has different strengths and weaknesses...no judgment...and that some people know things we don't, and vice versa...then we can help one another.
Think back to being a kid and learning a new trick of some kind. Maybe we saw someone pop a wheelie on their bicycle, and then we ask, "Hey, how'd you do that? Show me!" Or maybe we'd just go off and try it 50-100 times until we learned how to balance on that back wheel. This should never end through out our life. We keep learning and learning new things so that we get better and better, and we also help younger people when we they ask or if we see them struggling we ask if they'd like a tip from someone else who has already done it.
You can do this...just like that wheelie...but it takes 50-100 tries just like learning that fun bicycle trick did.
Ok, Mr. Patrick, sadly I am on the far right in the arguing situation. I feel bad about it, but I admit it. Why do I do it, and how do I stop doing it? Would you please make a video on this? Thank you so much!
We are both initiators and fight tooth and nail. Maybe there is shame for both of us, but when we fight I only see that my partner gets in lawyer mode and puts me to the ground because I initiated stuff several times about my dissatisfaction in his input in the domestic field. He doesn't like to be bugged, but I totally feel disrespected having to do all the invisible housework and atop of that be called a maniac, like all of it is only important to me. I think we are very different what concerns values. 1-2-3 can be really dangerous when only one of us had therapy, and only one of us elicits empathy during the fight.
It does not matter if the person accused is guilty and therefore the other deserves someone better, or if the accuser is a horrible drain and the accused is innocent and therefore deserves someone better. Being alone is also preferable to being with the other for eiter in either situation. If you can't trust someone, you are either a drain or they are guilty, but it all leads back to there being absolutely nothing but codependency or some kind of abuse as a result. Therefore, the answer is to break up. I know everyone gets preoccupied with wanting to know which it is, but the truth is SOMEONE in the scenario deserves to be free of that draining crap, and the other would let them go if they weren't so selfish. Stop being so desperate for love that you pretend this crap is good enough. If you are too much of a coward to be alone until you find someone who actually is a good match, you will most definitely not get real love as a result. You will just get this common disposable garbage described in all these scenarios. Exactly how is any of it better than being alone? You will not find a decent person who actually likes you for who you are and is compatible if you waste your time with someone else , a good person doesn't want to be your side piece.
this video needs to be broadcasted all over the world
Yes & Amen!
I value the clarity in this presentation and particularly the compassionate perspective of the presenter - excellent!
Thanks so much for your videos! I love how you explain and clarify. Please make a video about TRUST and healing/repairing childhood trauma from betrayal, neglect or lack of protection and safety.
Thanks for this video. My husband goes into lawyer mode in all of our arguments. He's extremely hypocritical and refuses to talk about things after the fact. If I hit the mark at any point, he'll either side step what I said, change the subject, push it back onto me, outright deny something he just said, constantly cuts me off, etc. I know he's defensive out of self protection, and maybe got criticized by his parents or teachers growing up. I also think he looks for power at home because he's struggling in his career, and I suspect he's seen a lot of this kind of behaviour w his parents. He doesn't try to get to the truth of an issue, he just tries to win it. I know he also projects other people's faults onto me. These are very touchy subjects for him though, and he has said he will not consider therapy. Although he is an excellent partner in a lot of ways (including housework) he is chauvinistic in arguments. He thinks all my complaints are illogical, my anger hysterical, and that in a disagreement I shouldn't talk back. He wasn't like this when we met. We both feel that we're not being heard, but for me the bigger thing is that he can't admit he's wrong (even if I tell him I am willing to work on my own faults, too), and we can't talk about it without it turning into an argument. He's so defensive nothing I say, no matter how nicely or calmly worded makes a difference. Tbh he gets so angry I feel he wants to lash out physically. He uses marijuana, alcohol, and cigarettes to self-heal his emotions. If he doesn't have marijuana I am walking on eggshells around him all day... I think it's partly withdrawl, but career/financial stress is the larger factor. In the past when finances were better, or on vacation, he didn't use much of any of those three things and was in a much better mood. I always try to encourage him and build him up, but honestly the cigs/pot/alcohol is really expensive...I try to think of it as medicine, and it's his choice how he spends his money, but it bothers me when I see him forgo buying clothes or other necessities because he spends it on pot etc. I don't nag him about it though. Anyways, sorry for the rant...I want to avoid divorce, and I want to talk about these things w him...but I can't seem to make anything happen in our hours between 9 and 12.
I can identify with this in every point except my ex didn't do household chores. I am a big believer of everyone being on their own journey with their own time and their own reasons. I am saying something here even though in general I believe in not offering un-asked-for advice, because you are reaching out by posting this, so perhaps you are open to some perspectives. If my comment doesn't resonate with you, please disregard it. I will say that for me, allowing myself to stop trying to figure out why he had to treat me badly (childhood, mental health, PTSD, substance, career, etc.) and letting myself contemplate and then later follow through with divorce has made my life better than I ever thought possible, even when I was young and in love. In other words, the life I envisioned when I took his arm at the altar and walked out of the church with him, with Vivaldi playing in the background was not as good as the life I live now on a random Tuesday. The book "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft and this UA-cam video ua-cam.com/video/V1yW5IsnSjo/v-deo.html changed my life. My ex also did not physically abuse me, but he got closer and closer to the line the harder I hung on to staying married. Mental and emotional abuse (including being shown that I didn't matter to my partner at all, on a daily and hourly basis) has physical repercussions, including autoimmune issues, cortisol problems, sleep problems, etc. My ex was my biggest fan while we were dating and engaged, and up until we had our first kid. Then, everything I said was hysterical and illogical, all my friends and family were stupid and mean, I was overemotional whenever I said anything, and culpable for all disagreements if I didn't say anything. My happiness has value, and in accepting that (and the fact that I would have to do really hard things to get there), my life began to change direction. Lots of encouragement to you in whatever goals you have for your relationship, all your own decisions, etc.
Idk... is he really that great of a partner? Kinda sounds like he doesn't care about your feelings. I have trauma and I sometimes do the things you described happening to you, to my boyfriend, like not admitting I am wrong, using lawyer mode, trying to *win* a fight. But I am actively going to therapy, I actively try to admit when I am in a clearer headspace what I was wrong about, and to apologize, and ask him how he really feels and take into account how my actions make him feel. Even though I didn't intend to hurt I still did. And I actually left a relationship in the past because I felt I was dumping all my trauma on him and he didn't deserve that.
Your partner is not willing to take accountability for his actions. That is not okay. He has a responsibility to manage his own trauma to be a good partner to you. He needs to be working on himself actively. Otherwise hes just blindly repeating his own abuse, and becoming abusive. Which is exactly what my parents did. Abuse is abuse even if the abuser is reenacting their past trauma. You do not deserve that.
I know it seems like a lot, but I genuinely think from reading this that you should leave him. Your partner shouldn't ever make you feel like your emotions don't matter, and no amount of housework or other surface level stuff makes the emotional abuse okay.
Also my mother stayed married to my father and has literally said things you said like "well I think he is stressed with work" " he was drinking more at that part of your childhood" etc. She is a broken woman after trying to make decades of a shitty marriage work with him. Don't do that to yourself. She should have divorced him a long time ago for her sake and for our sake. I learned from my aunt that many of the things he did to us were things that happened to him as a kid. But he was never willing to admit he was responsible for his actions. There was always an excuse.
Oh and btw if this man ever does go to therapy and try to work on himself. He will only do it when he is alone. He won't do it for you or anyone else. Take it from someone who knows exactly how my father feels because I'm like him and I am trying to figure out how not to become him. I didn't start trying to do the self-work till I was truly alone and many ppl don't.
@@KD-ou2np You are a cool person. I see a lot of myself in you. We should both be really proud of ourselves. I am proud of you.
Clarity and validation here.I’m so codependent working on doing the “hard things”.
Wow this is the most straight forward, concise, well thought out and presented issue with the psychological background and solutions all packed in there, much thanks to u Mr. Teahan!
Your knocking it out of the park, wow. Really getting through to me and the behavior behind it. Thanks man, really appreciate your support and knowledge. Takes one to know one is more accurate than I thought, at least the best information out there, Ramani , Carter, imagine who else through the years? Multi generational, it’s pretty obvious at this point what is going on, we were taught to be the “silent generation”MEN , suck it up buttercup. Mom’s generation was a woman needed to be quiet and sexy. Silent no more, and don’t have to be obnoxious about it either 😂
Omg.... We're exactly the opposite on fighting styles.. No wonder we can't solve anything.
Excellent video. Would be interesting to apply this to the typical make narcissist and female co dependent. Especially where children are in the family and hiw make and female roles and patterns evolve. I suspect this is where the true misogyny lives.
And what to do if a spouse just sits and listens silently and it ends there? No feedback, sympathetic look, but not anything more... Like you just poured your heart to a flower pot?
Try asking them why they don't feel very talkative (not in an accusatory way). they may be shutting down from trauma, they may be deeply thinking, they may not realize that there is more that needs to be said for things to feel resolved. You'll prob be surprised by the answer if you really make an effort to make sure they feel safe and comfortable speaking, including safe being critical of you.
Wow! As a self-identified fearful avoidant, I was worried that having the same fights meant it might be the wrong person, and now I’m 100% sure it’s just unresolved trauma.
It’s me. I’m the lawyer
Thank you so much Patrick. So much food for thought :-) Are there any books you could recommend?
I know he recommends “Codependent No More” for people who resonate with his video on codependency. He is wonderful and I am so grateful for his videos.
Hi!! Im a lpcc and have been learning so much from you regarding Trauma and couples. You are such a gift 🎁 I wanted to suggest doing a video on perfectionism I have been studying this lately because it's showing up in my room ALOT LATELY. 😁
Great recommendation!
Aaand I have confirmed through watching this video that I’m self righteous.
This is soooo very good. THANK YOU. ✊😭
Wow, a lot of food for thought... Great content - thanks!
This was a life changing video.
Patrick, I don't tend to comment much on videos. You came to my attention almost by accident. The way you explain these concepts is brilliant (I am a visual learner, with attention deficit).
I am extremely helpful to your channel, thank you, thank you, thank you!
Really helpful
This really resonates with me! Thank you!!!
You are amazing Patrick. Do you have enough for explaining things in a way that is really easy to comprehend. Thank you.
this is so necessary and valuable such fantastic information
What if one partner is mentally and emotionally abusive...will this work?
I am the lawyer. But how to prevent “gathering a case against…”? As the video said, I have “the itching” to say something about my partner being irresponsible (e. g, the bills, as also mentioned). And then, I am right about the fact that one has to pay bills (or I have to do it myself so it is done!). How to stop it!? I think I need a more responsible partner though, but is it avoiding the fact that I am a “lawyer”? Please reference me some sources to look at for clarification 🙏🏻
Hi, I love this. I love the clarity you give to complex issues.
Only one thing I didn't understand. When you say do the opposite towards the end, what do you mean? Surely not the opposite end if the spectrum you outlined, as neither are healthy responses? Please could you explain this somewhere (I'll watch some more of your videos in the hope you explain this somewhere else).
Wow this is amazing content! Thank you so much!
Super educational and helpful!
Great info! Simple, clear and right on point.
Love love love this Patrick!
Looking forward to your video on co-dependency! Thank you!
I don't want to fight so I feel this video is a little too advanced for me
I stand corrected
I wish I had known this earlier 😢
such an amazing video
A very insightful video thank you
Ohhh, I’m dramatic right lawyer mode
This is fantastic thank you.
#3 is so hard especially if a partner suffers from neurodivergence or schizophrenia…. Literally all u can do is give up and settle for agape without the intimacy u signed up for.
Wonderful information, thank you!!!
So helpful. I like the clear image of the wheel/clock to understand the critical phase in an argument.
What I don't get is, the (in my eyes) very strong advise to run, in case of a trust dynamic.
Don't many couples/traumasurvivors have issues with trust?
I know the doubt and fear myself, probably stemming from my parents dynamic around my father cheating.
And though I have these fears and thoughts around my partner lying to me, I would never ask for him to prove it. But I life with the fears at times (they are situational depending on my overall state of mind and interesting Serotonin helps me to not have those thoughts).
We've grown incredibly in our relationship and build trust.
That is why I don't get this 'absolut' recommendation to break away and not make space to work on that.
I’m really shocked since I just had a convo over the same fight that hasn’t stopped . I said I feel like I am talking to a lawyer . What is it called or how can a person who can’t ever see their stuff ? Ex. Addiction ( bf called her out . This is common. The moms are not only hated . The arguments get really heightened when the mom is there. ( daughter lies or is in denial / bf tells all and almost boasting about serious issues that he isn’t willing to change ex. Admit he won’t work ) I completely know this is dysfunctional and I do more than own mine . With every issue of theirs I then know how strong/weak I am ? This is when I am working on myself and understand I have no boundaries . Please help
Thank you so much Patrick :)
Thanks This is very helpful.
Thank you very much for your video
So many things to reflect on and to work on.
But the link to the PDF is no longer available:(
This was so good.
What if issues are somthing that can't be solved, because ASD partner can't live up their partner's expection. It feels like non-ASD partner's way or the highway. It seems like if issues gets sloved then everything will be perfect. What if issues need be sloved by alternative choices. Is their grieving process that can help non-ASD partner get over not having their way.
Thank You
Amazing Hit every detail🫡
Excellent video!!!
Awesome video!!
What if this dysfunction is in the family. Could you possibly do a video do for that or is it then about trauma therapy or inner child therapy?
Yes even though I"m 50 my parents really back each other up dictating the style of communication; ie, none. Then my brother SHAMES me for "upsetting mum and dad".
I feel like im tired of this charade. I get nothing out of playing the part of daughter in their family.
There must be dialogue strategies though, for family situations.
Hello Patrick. I wanted to know if it is ok to post a link of this video on a post on Quora to make people aware of your advice along with 123 step link? For those who are struggling and how they can fix their relationship and if couples therapy is for them unless they are experiencing the Trust & Control Issues like at minute 8:10. I would just post a link of your video and the 123 step or just the video link, I would never pass by saying this is my video or anything like that. I have no degree. I just want to help people not to make the same mistakes I did. I ask before acting because I just saw a video of a Life Coach here on UA-cam that was having issues with that. Thank you Patrick for your time.
@@patrickteahanofficial thank you Patrick. Have a nice Sunday night and a great following week.
Hi Patrick.
I note that you have only responded to one of the five comments posted in response to this video. May I ask why?
hey patrick, do you have any coverage on the couples who don't fight at all?
Honestly, if someone cheats, the relationship is over. Sure, you can stay together. You can go to therapy. You can work on the issues. However, the love and trust will never again be what it once was or what it could have been.
People who cheat and have kids are especially sad, because the children are likely to perceive the cheating parent as the problem, because they are the most obvious person who put their future in jeopardy and destroyed their family stability. It can take them many years, even decades, before they ever forgive the cheating parent and understand that it had nothing to do with them, even though it destroyed their sense of stability at home.
If you are a cheater, just don't have kids. Seriously. Kids don't deserve you dumping your problems onto their tiny shoulders.
Yikes so Trust & Control is basically irreparable or requires too much work?
I know, I was a bit put off by the "run away from this person immediately".
Not to mention that if they willingly demonstrate signs of dishonesty, then the lack of trust is, dare I say, justified?
@@annaeverette8960 no he said 'run' to therapy, dont walk
You can swear on UA-cam.
Usually get demonitized though.
But should you?
It would be nice if this was possible with only one side committed to it. I experience a lot of this same stuff with my dad, and I consistently own when I screw something up. I try not to screw up, but when I realize or am made aware that I have, I apologize for it. Not once have I ever heard him own up to his. We just had another argument last night, and I was waiting the whole time to see if he would own up to anything. He never did. I can't keep trying to fix our relationship if he's going to keep putting everything on me, and I'm at the point where I'm done trying to fix things if he isn't also willing to see a therapist.
One of the situations you described is PERFECTLY ON POINT what happened to me the other day with a friend/coworker.
1.They came with this "unresolved issue" that they never mentioned for months
2. "The fighting" - they went on an angry rant and made sure to bring public. They made sure a third person was there to echo them.
(PS - I tried not to participate but I was shocked and tried to defend myself. Every word I would say just started them both even worse.)
3. "The door slam" - even if I did not fight with them they made sure to still come after me and show me something I´ve done wrong and end it with "I rest my case" (on a tone that told you how utterly stupid you are)
4. "I made brownies" - after the rant they were suddenly calmer and more friendly (???????). At some point they dropped the line "We´re all being a bit bossy today" on a joking friendly tone (regarding a conversation I was having with the third person that they were not a part of).
That .... was a weird day.
I was like watching a freak show 😳
.... But the freak show tries to suck you in.