How Black Women Harm Black Women | @Jouelzy
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- Опубліковано 30 вер 2024
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Co-written by licensed therapist + social worker @5hahem
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Articles + Books Mentioned:
↳ Da'Shaun Harrison, Committing Harm is Not the Same as Being Abusive jouz.es/harm-n...
↳ Sarah Schulman, Conflict is Not Abuse
↳ Deesha Philyaw, The Secret Lives of Church Ladies
↳ Dawnie Walton, Opal & Nev
↳ Tia Williams, 7 Days in June
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this hair is EVERYTHANG
I’m so grateful to have someone like you on UA-cam. You are a rare gem, and you’re saving lives. Thank you 💓
The Karen Civil situation is the perfect example of why Capitalism will not save us. And the ways in which Capitalism assists folks already in marginalized communities to continue to do more harm than good to each other. Black Capitalism will not save us. Which is what another great UA-camr reiterated on her channel. Good stuff!
tejaná mexicana from austin texas 🤘🏼 🧡
jouelzy, you are beautiful and so well spoken. your authenticity is beautiful. que seas bendecido en abundancia 🙏🏼
Just ended a " friendship" with a black women who was, condescending & gaslighting . I have not had a female black friend I'm 35
Blsck on black hatred and bullying should be addressed more often.
This also carries over into the workplace when you have black women at the head of the HR department(mind you I was a year into the hiring process. It was a federal job). They seem to come down harder on potential employees who are black women. They are dismissive and often cold. I went through this experience recently. It's like they have white supremacist ideals, and patriarchal ideology in black face. She was so passive aggressive and her tone was very "I'm better than you. You need a job I got one." It's no joke out here.
This is very VERY true. And I hate to say this, and this is a whollle other topic 😬 but people have similar experiences attending HBCUs! I absolutely love my HBCU, but I feel there was a little bit of this ‘tough love’ mentality with some professors and some entire departments. Sort of like, “I don’t know, you’ll have figure it out on your own.” like huhhh? I’m a broke student lol! I can’t ‘figure out’ where my book money is gonna come from 😂 and I know there are a lot of layers to this, but comparing my experience being at a PWI for undergrad and then an hbcu for grad school-loved many aspects of BOTH, but I would’ve totally expected how some professors/faculty treated me, to come from the PWI lol. Idk…I very much am proud of my hbcu, but I think that as a community we think we have to give really tough love, in order to teach those who are younger than us lifelong lessons, and I just don’t think that’s the only way ❤️
@@jannahumar336 I agree. This is a problem in HBCU's and the workplace. Tone is everything. There have been several times where I wanted to give up, and not once did my own RACE seem to care. 😫 All I received from those leaders was disrespect. Sad, but true!
My mom is going through this exact same thing with her supervisor. Everyday she comes home and its SOMETHING. Its very disheartening for me when my mom is telling me about her "mean girl" supervisor. Like I really wanna show up and beat the snot out of that lady for mistreating my mom, but I cant do that sort of thing. Luckily for my mom, she will be retiring soon. Miss Mamas is counting down the days. lol
@@jannahumar336 The very thing you are talking about is what black men have been saying all over the internet, but y’all want to be the only ones who have the right to complain.
It’s so depressing but I know what you mean. Especially being mixed I’ve seen other mixed people who had this mindset towards Black women and it’s disgusting. Continuing to divide us for the sake of unchecked internalized white supremacy and self-hatred.
I can hardly ever relate to conversations about the harm of colorism and white folks because every bit of my harm has come from other BW. All of the bullying, exclusion, projections, mal intent, disrespect I've EVER gotten has been from sisters. When I state this simple fact it's the most incendiary truth no one wants to hear. Thanks for this.
This!
Thank You.
Yes they HATE to take responsibility about how they treat each other. I’ve also experienced most of my harm from other BW! In and outside of my family.
Same here. I am mixed with Indian, white and black. I look Latina but I identify as black. All my life the sisters, most of them treated me like dirt. They assumed I thought I was superior because of my light skin and straight hair. Untrue.
Exactly! I had an incident with two of them today. I’m sick of being around black women..it’s making me sad. I want to be soft and be around people who are respectful and who you don’t have to be hard around all time.
My mother always told me that the hardest person a black woman will ever work for is another black woman. She hasn’t been wrong yet.
All FACTS!!!!!
I would never ever let a black person be above me here in the uk especially the men i would blatantly walk out of the interview they are abusive, tyrants who can't wait to destroy black people. I could never let someone who let's other races oppress them do that to me
I’m learning this now
Sad but true.
Omg this! Wow I gasped
We also need to talk about toxic mothers who compete with their own daughters.
This!
Yes!
Man , THIS
Chilleeee you beta tell em👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾
Man. I’ve been personally victimized by this subject in itself.
Some black women want to see other black women struggle..if you didn't struggle the way they feel you should have then thats grounds for..ooh you had it too easy. Black women never want to make anything easy for other black women it must be hard..thats way sooo many black women look/live hard. It just doesn't have to be this way.we can work together instead of holding each other back..we will set each other up for failure, give each other bad advice just to see how you can pull yourself back up..mothers, sisters, cousins, aunties, GRANDMAS..coworkers..now we have our own men wanting to see us crawl and beg.
They will be $laughtered. Doesn't bother me anymore that b!shes getting their just desserts out here ⚰️🤷👍
Sad
I hope all the people in this comment section are looking in the mirror cause I can bet some of y’all are just as guilty of other behavior. I’ve dealt with mean black girls and women my whole life, including at home. Now I have to go through therapy because these peoples actions often rise up in my head and I get angry, upset or depressed.
I know this comment is old but mee too ma the first one was my Mother smh
As a alternative black woman I’ve always felt like a outsider
Omg this!!!!!! I am not Christian and i look very different i guess and omg its insane the hate. Theres a teacher who teaches history will teach all about racism and be nasty to me because im different lol!!!!!! Just hit me today! Smh
"Crabs in a barrel" mentality. I don't get being jealous or intimidated by others success, wealth, beauty, fitness and life. You should happy for them and see it as a source of inspiration for you to do and be better. All that negative and toxic energy will destroy you and make your life harder.
We have to realize that the real enemy is the one who put us into that bucket.
Nope the real enemy is what is inside of our own heads. Because theyre not doing anything anymore yet soo many blk men and women remain pretty harmful to anyone who is different @@rdkirk3834
I purposely searched out videos "Why black women mistreat each other" in hopes of hearing a different perspective from mine and your video was top of the list. I'm 39 years old and I've NEVER had an authentic black female friend. I was deceived into thinking they were my friends until they got around other people and would single me out for their cruel jokes and use me for whatever I could do for them, or they only wanted to be around me during my struggle season but soon as God blessed me to overcome they disappeared! I'm so happy I found your channel sister because I was about to GIVE UP on women who look like me. I was recently befriended by a Caucasian girl at my gym and I can't tell you how refreshing it is to fellowship with another woman who can reciprocate the same care, respect and authenticity as me WITHOUT the strife, competition, jealousy, and passive aggressive attitude. If I don't ever have a black woman as a genuine friend trust and believe....... I'LL BE OKAY! But nonetheless I still love my sister's, even the toxic ones. I JUST CAN'T BE AROUND THEM. God bless you and your channel. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
Thanks so much for this comment… i thought it was just me. I battled this for years trying to wrap my head around it!
Unfortunately I can relate 😔
Tbh, all women can’t be trusted. Black women just real enough to show you in your face. White women will smile in your face for years and fuck your husband and never have the back bone to tell you because they have no conscious. We done seen it happen before…
Same here. I’m sick of being around other black women. After my experience with a black female nurse today, I’m purposely going out of my way to avoid them.
Yes!
Thank you for this. I was just speaking to a client about how therapeutic language is being weaponized, and how it does not immediately imply that the person is actually doing the work. This is right on time.
Like therapy is really hard work! It’s not just sitting through sessions. Ppl really are using the language of therapy to reinvest in harm and it’s wild to see.
Loved this Jouelzy! 👏🏾👏🏾❤️
Some black women are constantly throwing shots at other black women over a man I see that a lot on Facebook
Right. Like the guy don't like me nor do I want him. Just based on an internal jealousy and accusation then carry it on out.why not come to me and discuss
I think we don’t emphasize how much approach changes the context of things a lot. People could have good intentions but the approach in how they go about such intentions are harmful and end up causing more harm than good. I see a lot of black women who genuinely want the best for other black women but the way they approach other black women is harmful and borderline abusive. Truth without compassion is brutality and this is something I’ve had to learn myself and is something I’m still learning.
🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏
"Truth without compassion is brutality" 🤯🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥
That's so true. A lot of black women will give unsolicited advice in a rude way that comes off as very insulting under the guise of 'just trying to help you out' when in actuality they are doing more harm than good. The amount of times black women will say negative things to other black women and when they are called out on their rudeness they say they are just 'being honest' or 'trying to help someone out.'
100% facts! There were plenty of times when I wanted to help someone see something but I didn't say my point in a compassionate manner. And because of my delivery, the very important red flag I was pointing out was overlooked. At the end of the day, people have to remember you are talking to another human being so speak accordingly.
@@annoyedbyyourface wow way to hold yourself accountable! I’ve done the same thing too … ooops … 😅lesson learned
Therapy. That’s all I have to say. All black women/girls need it. Because many of us didn’t have the support we needed growing up from our own mothers and people around us.
💯💯
Can we talk about how married women sometimes shame single women and also how sometimes married women will present their lives to single women as if it’s the perfect life which further alienates? That’s an entire conversation in itself!
I agree. Ive had several encounters with married black women, and it was painful. It is no longer an issue for me to say that I am single without feeling terrified of what those women think.
I'm married and I can tell you that most of us don't share the realities of our marriages because we get judged and criticized when we're honest, especially by single women. No shade but most single women act like they already know everything and are quick to say "couldn't be me" or "she's so stupid" whenever a married woman goes through something or finds marriage tough. Because they've never been married they still have this idealized, fairytale image of what they think marriage is when they really have no idea. It's the same thing for mothers who rarely feel comfortable admitting how they're struggling with motherhood. There really aren't any safe spaces for women to be honest because everyone is waiting to judge you for not having it together. 🙄
This has happened to me so many times, some married women act like they have won some sort of prize. On top of that they are self appointed relationship experts giving unwarranted and unsolicited advice. Most of them just stuck with the guy the met in college, they have never dated in modern times 🙄 tiresome!!!
@@ShelbySteele23 I really find it frustrating how women have to have it together in all areas of life. We’re not allowed to be imperfect, mediocre, or just not good at something. Especially in terms of marriage and childhood. You hope to go through marriage one time and the only time you can raise a child over again is literally if you have a second one but there is no redoing the first one.
Or if you have a boy first or a girl second and vice versa you’re always supposed to get it right the first time.
I agree with all of these comments. This is why when I talk to other women, I don’t talk up or down about singleness or marriage, having kids or not having them. Why? Because I know both has benefits and pitfalls.
I was married for 21 years and my experience was terrible. I have kids but I wish my adult children were doing better. I did the very best that I could and tried to teach them to avoid mistakes I made but when a child grows up they make their own choices. I am single now by choice, but of course it would be easier in certain aspects to have a partner. But I’m scared to death of trying again. I’m happy to see women happy- in whatever state they choose to be in. And I always emphasize self love and self respect in any situation.
That saying yes to people, overextending and overcommitting, not communicating, being ashamed, and hoping that no one notices or just overworking myself for everyone else is the story of my life. It's gotten much better since I became a mom because I'm more hyperaware that there are just limits to what I can do. I got so much messaging through my late teens and early twenties that people and organizations and programs needed me and "If I don't do it, it won't get done." Over the last several years I have seen again again and again that that is simply not true, and that I may have even inhibited some of the things I was involved in by not stepping back and making the space for others to step up and contribute and grow.
Amen! Same here! I have realized the power and art of delegation it is so crucial.
Every job I get I am immediately attacked by other blk women instantly...the jealously is through the roof, makes you wanna avoid at all cost.
Chasing you out of a paycheck
I’m in the same boat it’s always our own who behave this way. When I go to work I dress nice and let me tell you me looking good makes every woman at the job every angry. I walk in the room and the whole atmosphere changes. Who knew dressing nice would have such a affect on others 🤷🏼♂️
@@leelee185 Because you are beautiful and a threat. Yet women want bums(pookies and ray rays ) that they somewhat have control over. Could they control you? NOPE!
@WMC Same energy they give to you is what Black men suffer from.
@@mstwelvedeadlycyns thanks sis
I feel attacked! 😭 You're so right, even as a "victim" of harm, you can still harm others. Also avoiding conflict and not speaking up when you're uncomfortable is also a kind of dishonesty 💔 I also resonated with you saying that we're usually not invested in accountability but punishment. Tbh, a part of me wants the people who have harmed me to be punished. It hurts me to struggle so much because of their actions and yet they're living it up scot-free. It's not fair! I really don't know how to reconcile that. Thanks for another amazingly insightful video girl 🌻❤️
❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
I'm so with you on this. I had a terrible year leading up to the Pandemic due to my work environment. All black women and I was promoted amongst my peers. They all eventually turned against me as if I had ever done anything to harm them and I'm still confused by that whole thing. It hurt me in ways I don't understand.
@@nikkipooh9 I am so sorry you had that experience. Please don’t stop aiming higher. I will tell you, try to look beyond the situation and Ignore it. Please focus on where you are going. And please know, at work, you do not have any friends. There is so much undermining and backstabbing that goes on at work. And you will see grown people who are still behaving like high schoolers. Do your job, contribute where needed, learn new skills and keep your resume updated. Eat the meat and leave the bones. Your personal mental health is what’s important. Peace & blessings to you. 😊❤️
@@veliciawilliams5865 I needed this comment, thank you for saying this! I'm struggling with grown teens at work, and I've basically locked myself away that I'm like an undead machine, just to avoid everyone and finish my work. Its incredibly lonely. But I have to remember that I'm not here to make friends or even start revolutions. Eat the meat and leave the bones...brilliant.
I'm tired of BW being so mean to me on social media when they disagree
"Accountability requires community" 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
and community requires RELATIONSHIP
Which NONE of us have in the 'bc'🙄. Cause it doesn't exist! Like skeezus rice 🤮👎
And sometimes it’s the ones closest to us we do the most harm 😞
Yes
Yup.
My mama and I have been having this conversation a lot lately! Commenting while I'm watching so you may say this but we've been discussing how older black women shame and look at younger black girls as competition. How slow we are to help one another in front of white people? But we've been discussing it in terms of doing better by making our family realize what they are doing and doing better without shaming or putting them down.
That’s a great point! It makes me wonder if the competition aspect plays into respectability politics attacks against young Black female artists like Normani, Chloe and Megan thee Stallion.
@@BellesView and dont get me started on that! Like all the youtubers that are older than those artists that gets on here putting them down every chance they get.
can we talk about how black women have been traumatized by this male misogynistic Black Culture long before feminism integration can we talk about all the things that our great great grandmothers had to swallow because we were so concerned about the black man and now that pain has caused trauma into generation to other black women through the generations
She won't talk about that cuz black males are infants influenced by yt soupramcy, but bw and girls have to carry responsibility from our births even though we the most vulnerable in this cursed ass race
So blame blk men because blk woman can’t get along lmao you females suck
I love us! But we definitely need to hold ourselves accountable for how we treat each other. A lot of it boils down to the desire to be chose by a black man… many of our issues stem from that fact. It drives competition and jealousy amongst women who in actuality have the ability to be with ANY one we want to have.
The desire to partner, regardless of gender/race, can drive harm but it’s not about the other person. It’s still about power & domination. There is social currency from being partnered.
Absolutely correct
That's why I lead with my lesbianess lol I'm kidding kind of
@@jouelzy Really? Especially when most Black women choose pookies and ray rays?
@@mstwelvedeadlycyns yup I HEAR you. They NEED 4ttack 🐕 to actually due H4RM to righteous women. Since it will NEVER be them they WILL choose dee mons 👹 be thrown in your path!! That's why that LGHDTV 'community' can COSPLAY as you AND subjugate you at the SAME time🤦. Cause MOST chiks are SKUM and INVITE it to run their lives and D stroy others! Malice and envy is say ten protocol and others GLADLY follow! Get your tools up 🔨🪓 no one has your back
We approach black women like they're the enemy instead of offering helpful feedback. Where is this internal rage coming from? Why are we so mistrustful of each other?
Competition, trauma, superiority and inferiority complexes.
@@BellesView this! I’m reflecting on so many relationships with other black women and realize the harm I’ve caused them has to do with internalized anti-Black racism and classism.
@@DorothyDandridge Same.
@Zikomo...Imo...I think rap/hip-hop culture sowed the seed of hatred and mistrust among Black women or should I say amplified it.???
@@lindywinthrop8260 I think rap/hip-hop is a reflection of our hatred. When we listen to songs that degrade us, why aren't we hurt or offended? Maybe that's how we see ourselves.
Although music wasn't always this bad. It's getting angrier and angrier.
These comments are EVERYTHING!!! ❤️ I thought I was going crazy when I left my friends and family behind in my hometown because they were so nasty and mean towards me for no reason I said to myself am I doing something wrong and I was not I moved to Greenville SC and the black females down here are worser i can only pray for our black woman because we need to do better I often wonder why are some so mean and nasty my mother being one of them but that’s another story.
One thing I struggle with and I’m still learning is not to bleed on people that didn’t cut me. Even people who have wounded me in the past. When I retaliate with something unrelated to the wound that is currently bleeding I’m inherently causing harm. For anyone who has done the ACE test( childhood adversity) I scored high (9). My childhood was tumultuous. I’m disabled. I’m queer. I’m poor. I’m a first generation college student. I All of this impacts my biases towards other black women. As well as their biases towards me. Intersectionality has become a buzzword when it needs to become action. I’m guilty as charged. Fostering community starts with us. I’m learning to speak up more about disabled plight because I realize so many just don’t know. Hell even I don’t know which is why I’m appreciative of black women like Imani aka crutches and spices. I appreciate this video along with your whole channel because you always create dialogue in a call in manner verses call out.
"intersectionality has become a buzz word word when it needs to become action" love that facts!!!
I can recall working for a high end child care facility. It was only myself and two other black women. I got along beautifully with one of the black women..the other one saw me as competition. When the company sought to hire two people both black women they put them in the room with me and I made sure I put a good word in for the both of them. I was asked would I consider hiring them I was like absolutely. Within the two weeks they were hired because they were qualified for the positions. I don't play about us black women at all.
Respectability and capitalism really destroy black women relationships.
Where are these ppl coming from? Capitalism empowers Black women?!?! 🥴
@@jouelzy "Jesus is God" as the username. Its gotta be a bot lmao
Thank you. Respectability politics is so harmful to the black community in general. It should be abolished
Nah it's WS that does that capitalism is one of the greatest invention in human history.
Respectfully, to me this sounds like a deflection. We are empowered and accountable for the relationships we build with each other. Yes, some societal factors are challenges, but IMO not at all the root causes.
This is a great video! I watched a video once about someone talking about how they have divested from considering themselves to be a good person and how that helped them admit that they could cause harm. It's difficult because we all want to believe (and have been taught from such a young age) to believe that we are "good" people and only "bad" people cause harm and have to almost create new identities around how we see ourselves and our actions.
So interesting! I’ve always though of myself as generally a kind and good person but recently have been thinking about the ways I may have unintentionally harmed people over the years. No, I may not have actively engaged in bullying, but did I still laugh at the jokes? Did I speak up to help or protect someone when I was in a position of relative privilege to do so? Could I have reached out to someone so they felt less alone and not only worried about my own butt?
We can all find ways to do/be better.
Wow. I want to watch that video!
@@pisceanbeauty2503 I feel the same way. I go out of my way to be a decent person and a person who doesn’t judge and tries not to offend. But even though I’m like that, I have had trouble coming to terms with the fact that I’m not at all perfect and I do at times do just that… judge and offend. And I’m struggling with it because I want to be good to everyone. And rather than just freely admitting my fault, if a person stops speaking to me, I just let them without acknowledging where I went wrong. So I know I could do a lot better as a person.
I want to watch that video. Is it here on UA-cam? Can you provide the name & link of the video and where I can find & watch it please
“It’s hard to be introspective when you’re trying to survive”. Thank you so much for this video
Unfortunately, I have received the most hate from black women. Black women has been the hardest people to work for.
Let me be messy about how you harmed me. I first found you via 5 magic tricks to grow your hair (some like that) then you just jumped ship and abandoned it lol. Just kidding. I love how you pivoted onto smart brown girl content. It's been extremely helpful, beneficial etc to me and others.
😂😂😂😂 you had me worried there for a moment.
@@jouelzy lol lo siento!
I can’t wait for my hair to grow longer so I can do this hairstyle… ok back to the video ❤️❤️… I’m only 8 mins in but just wanted to say that I’ve learned to say No to everything first lol or I’ll tell whomever to give me 24 hrs to think about it… because I found myself in so many situations that I committed to because I didn’t want to disappoint someone… I’m not sure if saying No to everything is the right thing to do but it does give me a peace of mind of not feeling obligated to do something that I’m just doing to please the next person… ok back to video… yup definitely been thought to always look presentable, always make it seem that everything is ok to the outside world and that made being real difficult. It’s hard to break out of that when family (especially the generation before us) still wants to live that lie to save face… this was heavy 😓… im just gon have to get that book and learn better communication vocabulary.
This is very wise. I'm gonna start using that as well "give me 24 hrs to think about it". I often feel pressured into saying yes then feel immediate regret once the word leaves my mouth. Thanks for this!
@@tokoviastarot right same here. I feel so grown when I say give me 24 hrs to think about it lol
This style is very becoming on her. It looks very natural. Joulsey used to feature on healthy natural hair content. She has also discussed protective styles. You say that you can't wait for your hair to grow longer so that you can wear this style. Well maybe if you ask her she will tell you where she bought this hair. She knows a lot about hair care for natural hair. I think that if she had some secret to growing hair this long from a TWA, in only 1 yr and 9 months ( see her TWA Jan 2020). Hey I think she would make a fortune !
Lol my hair grows so slowly! This is braid extensions! I can't even put my hair in a ponytail yet!
@@jouelzy , you know I am no scientist but I personally think that the true myth IS that our hair grows "slowly." I do think.that our DOES grow SLOWER than straight hair, BUT BREAKS off easier than straight hair. I have been keeping a list of links to African BORN vloggers, who all have waist length AND HIP LENGTH hair ! Most of them are from Nogeria and Ghana. The very origins of MOST African diasporeans in North America and the Caribbean. The links that I saved are not atired in.this device, but my other phone which screen is fading out because it's mother board going out. I will download my.data and send you those links. I think it is good to see.the possiblities are REAL and what ANY OF US CAN accomplish, with a gentle hand and PATIENCE ! Heavy handedness with our hair is rarely discussed. Ok, get back to you soon ! Love seeing you again, I was not watching much YT for a while. ⚘⚘⚘
*Long message ahead* LOL
Thank you Joelzy, I've been thinking about this a LOT as a black woman. Both therapy as a service and the tools of therapy (i.e. assessments and the DSM-5) have been weaponized to a disheartening extent. It's just become a new dismissive rhetoric that sounds similar to when people throw out "you need to travel on a vacation, you need some peen, you need (insert religious figure)" without engaging more deeply. We cannot transform our communities while upholding capitalist values and misogynistic norms. Not having accountability amongst each other is like riding your boat past a drowning person in the ocean, throwing them a life vest, and continuing on without offering further help.
I feel this so much. I was doing a project on LSA for my Information Behavior class and joined the site as a means of comparing it to Reddit, and whew…chile! 😵💫
The way people on that site weaponize mental health to cut down other Black women is astounding. For some reason they have started to think every content creator is either narcissistic, ADHD or autistic now and it blows my mind. Same with others on the site who don’t agree with them, they’re either accused of masquerading as the creator themselves, a broke down Black woman, or being in need of therapy.
This trivialization of mental health is so distributing.
I can’t tell if it’s a by product of K. S and his attack on Black women or how easy “therapy” talk has become to access due to Instagram memes. However, I’m concerned about our community as a whole and the way we weaponize Black women’s mental health.
Every BLACK Woman* creator
@@AlphabetSoup123 Yes it's concerning! And I agree about LSA. After I heard about it I joined out of curiosity but the threads always devolved into bashing somebody.
It’s either bashing or hotepery with a dash of conspiracy thrown in. I can’t figure out how people survive long-term on the site.
This new method of diagnosing random strangers with mental health issues needs to be sent back to the pits of hail where it came from.
@@AlphabetSoup123 I'd say it's before KS. A while back for Harriet was attacked by black women from the femininity sphere and many of the attacks seems to use the language of both therapy and activism to bash and insult her rather than try to honestly and critically engage with her arguments with good faith.
I've noticed with the rise of the divest/femininity/hypergamy other seems to a rise in weaponising mental health against other black women, it isn't she's loud and masculine, it's "she has low self-esteem and recreational traumas, therefore she models a masculine persona as a defence mechanism she needs to heal."
I think using therapy and activism as a form of analysis is useful but to use it to bash people is kind of gross.
This was the healthiest video that I’ve seen, in these times in which people are weaponizing self-righteousness and intellectualism, this video allows us to take a step back and learn as a collective
Jouelzy, thank you. This was deep, thoughtful, and thoroughly broken down. "A community of safety..." So much to think about here.
I’ll be talking about this on my channel, but I definitely think it’s because many of us deal with self esteem issues, trauma, and so many other wounds that affect us throughout our lives. A lot of us don’t go to therapy and heal those wounds so we bleed on each other, hurt each other, compete with each other, whether intentional or not. Trauma and wounds that need to be healed and unpacked. I can definitely say for many of the black women I’ve come across, it’s been nothing but drama. And that shit gets exhausting when you are dealing with your own. I’m also not perfect, which is why I’m in therapy and doing the work to heal. 🙏🏾
I'm OVER befriending other black women PERIOD 💯💯💯
It be your own people I just had a black women be so disgustingly disrespectful to me and hold up traffic after she tried to kill me and threw stuff at my car legit I get it and I’m almost at the point where I don’t want shit to do with it
I think what also makes it challenging for folks to embrace acknowledging we are capable of harm is the fear that we may be unredeemable. And maybe not my our own personal belief but by that of others around us (be that within or outside of our communities). Unfortunately, especially folks of marginalized identities are not seen as redeemable and find ourselves falling into the dichotomy of good or bad. And once the bad is shown there is no saving grace. I think once we are able to unlearn the idea of being unredeemable or undeserving of grace from ourself or others we can move towards true accountability.
Nice topic.
I as a black women refuse to work with black women because you'll end up going to jail or hospital for trying to keep your self safe around their inequality.
Work place NO
My experience with other black women have not been that great. When I'm out, I sometimes get nasty looks, some don't respect and are rude. Maybe it's the City that I am in.
At the hair salon now watching this and I 100% agree with you and I’m working a city agency job in NYC and the Black Women that work there have horrible attitudes with low vibrational energy and even when I went to HR to mention issues with them nothing was done for corrective actions either..
It’s the low vibrational energy for me. Very common.
HR looks at it like we can just handle problems with other black women amongst ourselves
@@j.6549 and THEY expect us to squabble and figure it out because it keeps us in the PIT of low fruit mentality. THEY won't arbitrate or show a third voice because than we'd GROW and be competition a THR3AT or an alternative to THEIR good men. THEY benefit off YOUR weakness to throw each other under the 🚎 to APPEASE THEIR fake safety COMFORT (such a sinister word) and STATUS. You stay laying in mud and they keep slinging dirt and remain squeaky clean. THEY are the problem 👹 but your lost. Stay that way
REAL TALK!!!! I’m so glad you made this video. Could this harm that black women cause each other also have to do with the fact that we are so occupied in the fight for others that we have little grace, kindness, or just energy for ourselves much less those that occupy the same intersectionality?
Anyway, the work continues…
Yes, I believe this is correct.
Finding your channel about 5/6yrs ago was one of best things, you're always always encouraging people and black women especially to do better with no shaming nor judgements. This is why you will always be needed in this space, even now that you're busy with your PhD, I really appreciate you taking the time to engage with us. Thank you fo always championing mental health issues
You're spot on sis! You read these so-called black influencers who really are out for themselves. The whole sisterhood alliance is a complete facade!
ALWAYS has been!! The yte b-tch didn't share the 19th ammendment WITH b w so WHY are yo even friends with them? Cause you're GULLIBLE 😂 and take it out on each other now when you were all you had all along. Oh well ENJOY
Y’all remember when black women had true and real sisterhoods? Where it felt like nothing can divide you all? You used to call each other sister “not sis”. And look out for each other even if you were strangers because you were connected by skin!
I remember that. It’s sad now, all the mixing and integration got all black women wanting to be the token black queen of their friend group and thinking these yt and non black people are our real friends. Black girls especially these days are viewed as the pedestal of ethnic beauty, the “different” one, the “it” girl. So when another black girl shows up, it’s competition. And you have to destroy each other to be the token black girl. I’ve seen this a ton in NYC.
Whenever black women DO coalesce they still somehow compete to who can be the “head” black woman, the most successful, with the best man, with the nicest outfits, with the nicest vacations… look at what happened to Shanquella Robinson.. she got her ass beat by other jealous black women who were her so called friends that were plotting on her.
My black darkskinned girlfriend always talks about how she never seems to get along with the other black women in management no matter what job she’s had (she works in management) and that its sad. She unfortunately gets along more with latina and white women at her job.
It’s definitely a crabs in a barrel survival tactic where you feel like there can only be one because there isn’t much space at the top for black women. So a “if anyone is gonna make it, it’ll be me” mentality takes over. We’ve had such little resources that we can’t even give EACH-OTHER a seat at the table because we’re afraid that we’re inviting our replacement. THERE IS PLENTY OF SPACE FOR BLACK PEOPLE AT THE TOP. There is no need to kill each other for a seat, there are many chairs. And we need to get over being the best. We can all be great, you don’t have to compete with each-other folks we already got enough competition in this country.
Hurt people hurt people, is definitely an example of replicating harm and the the battle of harm doer and the survivor.
Yes. And we have to break the cycle
People have a desire to humble us. It’s weird.
This is so powerful! We are conditioned by the systemic issues we face to not support each other. At the workplace if there aren’t a lot of us some feel like we shouldn’t be seen together. We don’t want to appear “threatening “ or that we are “plotting “ something. Or maybe feel like there’s only enough space for one of us. It’s so sad.
Very true
Sheesh! I needed to hear this. I definitely got the butt end of not being able to communicate properly regardless of how my actions came across. I’m now in therapy😌
Jouelzy thank you for your videos and book club. Before all the other black women UA-camrs were here making their videos (that I love) you were here doing the work and I'm here for it! Love your points of view. I speak for many when I say you're appreciated. Fan since the 4c hair videos.
💕💕💕 thank you. I really appreciate your support.
A lot of the reason why the black woman is the way she is it’s because she doesn’t have identity self awareness & knowledge and self-awareness and therefore she can’t teach it to the children this goes way heavier than us just not getting along that’s a part of theSelf-hatred For ones own self
I'm a white guy, so I'm sure I'm not the target demographic for a lot of your stuff, but I always love your insights! The fact that capitalism causes so much invisible trauma to people that they pass on to others is so true. The stress of needing to make ends meet is very real and unhealthy for everyone.
Yes I agree with that too. I find that the harder I “hustle” to make ends meet or go without sleep to get overtime etc etc, the sicker I get. A relative joked with me that I just don’t like to work. It’s not true, but I prioritize my rest and recuperation. And I realize that if I drop dead, I am easily replaceable to everyone except my family. So I don’t accept that mentality.
White guy or not, this message of introspection and accountability is applicable to all across any social constructs such as race, gender, age, ethnicity, cultures, etc... it is commendable that you were still able to "hear" the message in spite of the title.
@@bd10232003 I recently cut my hours at work and was shunned in a very shady and micro-aggressive manner, consistently! I have had to remind myself that these shady women have been programmed to think that they have to work so hard and never take rest serious until [brain/ovarian/breast] tumors show up. They will always attempt to project that onto me. I will NEVER receive that damaging message no matter how many times they try to throw shade at me at work. We have to take care of ourselves!
@@ColleahG because b-tches THINK they OWN you since these weak mails fall in line🙄. They WANT you destitute so THEY can take advantage🤮. I FEEL NOTHING for the karma of SOME (who am I kidding MOST lol) women in this cvnt tree who WILL get their just desserts⚰️🔥! They are no different than oppressive mails and actually MUCH worse👹!
This was definitely a much needed conversation and I took so much for it. I can now look at the role I play and have played on harming other black women and I can take accountability now for that and address the “Why”
I love videos so deep that I rewatch them over and over to understand and digest it all. New topics and discussions to think about. Thank you!
Thank you!
I feel like a lot of black women have never been taught how to tap into their emotions and verbalise it.
I agree. And to have people around us to uplift us. My God, so many us need this. Positive, loving mentors.
I agree we are very mean to eachother ?
Definitely looking forward to this video. I know we have our problems and there are so many people that harm us. However, we really don't help each other sometimes. I think black women having fulfilling caring friendships with other black women is CRITICAL. I have 5 very close friends that I've met since childhood that are like sisters to me and I'm always open to uplifting other black women through friendship.
Surely a curse from the master to keep us divided. And they love it (those people). Keep them fighting and arguing and away from the real prize our community. We're playing their wicked game without them lifting a fingure. We need to heal as a group of people and do better to support one another. How great we could be if we come together and grow/heal. We would be so powerful and so fierced. But if don't we will always be divided which is what the ww/wm wants. But anywho Good luck.
Conflict is not abuse is a good read especially the chapter on HIV criminalization. I picked it up after you mentioned it in another video.
Weaponizing therapy is something. People are definitely using therapy and therapy language to shame and misdiagnose people and to hide from accountability. I also see people project their diagnosis onto others. How much is therapy really going to help a lot of the unique problems black people especially black women face? Off topic but the idea of weaponizing therapy makes me think of the book Queenie. I read it some time ago but remember feeling the therapy sessions were too long and too significant. Maybe the author was trying to sell the idea of therapy to the reader and the black community. I’m not saying therapy is a bad thing but I agree that the session does end and we have to do the work afterwards. I don’t remember the book exploring the work afterwards. I also thought Queenie had a community right there waiting to support her and the author should have explored the idea of healing through family, community, and embracing blackness/culture. That’s the message I wanted as a reader anyway.
We read Queenie in the book club last fall and most ppl had a very STRONG dislike of the book.
Jouelzy sister baybayyyyeeee, you were speaking to meeee!!! As a therapist I’m always saying therapy this therapy that not realizing some may never have the opportunity to have it, or the time to even think about it. Makes to a good point if communities had the freedom to sharpen their interpersonal strengths and conflict resolution skills, it/we could heal from within. Thank you for the point of introspection ❤️
BUT DID YOU DO THE WORK ?? THAT PART!! Girl, doing the work is hard
Im actively and consciously trying, it's physically and mentally draining.
They have alot of built up anger
This is international just to let you know here in Puerto Rico is the same. In college the whiter people will treat me with respect but the black women spread very damaging rumors around about me (they said that I was prostitute for example) I was 21,22,23 and they were in their 50s and 60s.
Wow! I'm so sorry. That's crazy. It seems like many older women are bitter and vicious.💔💔
I'm very conflicted about a lot of things lately. The more we 'heal' the more we become just 'people'.
The more I learn about our(African) history the more I realize my premise may not be accurate
I relate so much to what you said. I've been coming to terms that we really are just humans. Accepting the differences and seeing how they play in the spectrum of humanity.
Indeed.
Very interesting statement… since learning more about our African history what have you realized isn’t accurate? So curious to know your perspective especially because I have submerged myself into learning about my African ancestry & history.
@erya would love to hear more on what you've learned.
@@SSRIs I can't speak for her but for me it humanizes us so much. We as a people just like everyone else have the ability to do great things but we also have the evil and darkness that plague other people. We are just humans and not some other.
As a Black woman, what I hate the most is when a non Black woman pits us( black women) against one another. As a customer, I see this behaviour a lot . For example, I go to a counter.... maybe they can tell I am educated..., but oftentimes, the non Black woman looks over at a black female co-worker and makes rude faces (oddly enough, she never baits black guys into her passive-aggressive game, always a sister). The black female co-worker takes the bait and takes it up a notch with blatant disrespectful behavior for everyone to see her, meanwhile, the non Black girl stands there well-composed with a smirk on her face. Sisters, think twice when anyone who is not black involves you in a passive-aggressive fight against another black female who is a stranger to you, chances are, if things escalate, it is us, who get into a lot of trouble. A lot of us think just because people laugh and talk with us that they are our friends and we let our guards down.... Only years later, we see ourselves way behind that very same non Black female counterpart we started with; the reason is she knew how to behave or get others to " act out her frustration" when she knew she could get away with it, unsuspected. Of course, not all non Black female behave this way, but I am sure if pay attention and share stories, you will see this pattern is there, but no one speaks about it, so it is easy to become victim and pay big prices down the line. This comment is not meant to say non Black women can't be trusted, this is meant to say, sisters, think twice before you act out against your better judgment, the stakes will always be higher for us.
Something you said led to an epiphany for me. I think so much conversation around “divesting” in its various iterations is overly focused on divesting from people versus divesting from harmful systems or ideologies, and it leads to these factional conflicts and marginalizing of individuals instead of leading to the deconstructing and dismantling of the ideas and systems that are ultimately causing the damage. This is tied to these hyper-individualist views and behaviors espoused in the video where if you don’t have the right level of education, wealth, or physical and emotional health you aren’t worthy of any regard or “you are making black women/people look bad!”. American society is incredibly individualistic and many of us adopt those values as a way of trying to climb the social hierarchy.
We also can’t discount how social media and the social media industrial complex has incentivized and monetized conflict. A lot of the animosity directed at black women (by all types of actors) is in service of building online platforms and profiting from drama. This is of course not limited to black women; it is now a staple of internet culture. The problem of course is that the conflicts involving black people (especially in a US context) will take on a racial dynamic and make use of all of the tropes and stereotypes that have been foisted on us over the years. For black women that becomes weaponizing our looks, behavior, economic status, parenting, etc. Internet culture has intensified these conversations to a level that is unprecedented and extremely unhealthy. A lot of the rhetoric in recent years seems based on marrying the monetizing of conflict with these individualistic values that are popular, but not useful in ultimately improving lives.
This is a really well constructed and thought out take! I agree.
This was broken down beautifully 🛎🛎🛎🛎🛎🛎🛎🛎🛎🛎🛎🛎🛎🛎
I noticed in hairdressers to get my braids done african Nigerian women are always unfriendly towards me. Ignore me when I talk to them and have an attitude.
I’m working a nursing contract right now with a lot of black women and they are so mean spirited and nasty. This whole community is disgusting to be honest, they need to do better.
The truth!!
I’m gonna have to disagree..:everyone of all races is on edge now days… just
I use to be an advocate for us because i understand why some of us are so angry and hateful...BUT NOW...after so much trauma experienced at the hands of my own kind ? I hate to say this but ive gotten to a place where i try to avoid my own black sisters everywhere i am..no matter what im doing...I literally take a deep breath if i am in a situation where i am a customer because i automatically expect to be looked up and down, talked to any kind of way and bullied if i address the behavior...its so sad when you cant find community within your own...
I can careless about new friends too. I'm not for everyone, and I know this. This is where me and my soon to be x husband go down different roads. He will meet someone, and hang with them and call them family (stupid) me, I don't want you to come to my house, I don't have much to talk to you about.....frankly, I don't want to be bothered. lol I feel you though.
This was really good!! I think people will come to a video like this expecting you to list ways black women harm one another and talk down on them instead of taking the approach you took. Loved it!
Yeah but they are doing that very thing in the comments. You know good and well people come to this type of video for the comments. Lol.
@@seann54 they are and I think that's okay to do but they should be able to take something from the video moving forward in their own dealings with Black women.
It was when somebody told me I was a bad friend blatantly and that they didn’t want to be my friend anymore and they didn’t care to explain themselves about it that made me look at myself and say okay I’ve lost a lot of friends and I always feel as if it’s been because of something they did I never processed my own emotions of everything else involved in the bigger picture of things until someone had pointed it out to me. Ever since I’ve been making more concise decisions on how I speak to people not so much if it’s going to harm or hurt another person … I never intend to hurt or harm but my truth is my truth. It’s very hurtful and harmful to me personally when I have to suppress how I feel about things or someone. To this day at 27 I walk on eggshells with the friends I have left, I barely reach out, I barely come out. All to salvage what’s left of whatever friendships I do have it’s very tiring. But I’m more aware of my part in things now so I guess that’s a start.
There's a difference in being afraid to express yourself and being mindful of *how* you express yourself. It's a good thing you're working on the "how" and trying to be more self-aware! From what I read, it seems you have an issue with fearing the worst which is normal. It's also something you've got to left go to truly communicate in a healthy way. Because you shouldn't walk on eggshells with loved ones *but* you shouldn't carelessly toss words around - it's a fine line so just keep working on walking it. I'm sure you'll do fine!
Surround yourself with LIKE-MINDED people.
💕
I’ve definitely looked deep into my ability to harm others through words. Its interesting how we can count every instance of harm done to us, but when its time to look at ourselves we suddenly haven’t contributed to the harm/trauma of others. We need to hold ourselves accountable and do better. I agree, it doesn’t mean we a bad people! Its okay to acknowledge that we can do better for others.
I’m just auditing this video to make sure black men weren’t being blamed. Don’t mind me.
This is a lil off topic but do you make/format your own thumbnails? This one is especially aesthetically pleasing so now I’m curious😭
Lol yes I do my own thumbnails. And thank you!
Other ppl are holding us "accountable" so we need to create safe spaces and haven wherein we can even just explore what Black femininity is. Thanks Jouelzy for your take on this.
Consistently shaking the proverbial tables with these last few post.
*Takes seat*
It would be great if BW were more supportive + nurturing to them+ each other
Thank you for talking about CPTSD - thank you for the knowledge and guidance. Thank you for inspiring me to use my voice and keep my strong inner critic in check💕
We ...many of us are deeply insecure....and its dangerous related to The popularity of STATUS 💥💥💥🥵🥵
I made a video about this and I truly believe people dodge accountability because it then points directly to the pain they endured. And they either refuse to acknowledge (because that causes harm to their parents, friends, etc who like you said, were also harmed) or they were unaware of it.And that’s where the work STARTS. A lot of us like to believe we have been harmed “too much” to be harmful. So we can’t contribute to the solution because “we’re not like that”. And too, imagine the apologies we would start to mourn that we never got. Or the ones we realize we should give and how much work that is. I think the sad truth is, as long as there is some benefit attached to dysfunction ( socially or economically) people won’t view this type of work as useful because they can’t see how it’s literally working against what makes them feel “safe”
James 1:19 - Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath:
Proverbs 16:24 - Pleasant words are as an honeycomb, sweet to the soul, and health to the bones.
Proverbs 15:1 - A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.
I love your intakes on issues such as this❤️❤️❤️ I am learning so much through your videos
Thanks Jouelzy for fixing the volume. You're a real one sis❤️ Now to listen..
This starts mainly at home and this cycle will continue.but this was a good topic. Married women cheat, etc , do all kind of ungodly things trying to keep men that's no good for them, please . Single women are not your problem, your no good men are and most of you know it and just want a woman to blame. Alot of single women don't want your men or your problems . I use to feel sorry for you but after living in Texas and seeing how u treat good single women, just being mean. I won't add to your pain but I could care less. Alot of women , know don't need a man to validate us a woman. We know our worth and don't want live our lives try to please unhappy people!
This was soooo good Jouelzy!! I wish I had this video late last year when me and my best friend were going through a rough patch in our relationship. Unfortunately she passed away and now i regret not having the language and understanding to take ownership for my shortcomings in our relationship and have the difficult conversations we needed to have before she left us. My heart is filled with an odd mix of sadness, guilt and acceptance
Jouelzy I love the way that you articulate yourself, your openness and accountability. I love your channel, very retrospective, introspective, progressive etc. Keep it up 💝💝💝💝
Jouelzy, this was SO good
I'd like to see more sisters be honest + direct w/ each other. Also, do not assume anything about a friend. Ask first.
"The black woman community" is quite a phrase. It almost sounds divester-y
My best Supervisor was a black woman. Currently I am missing her…
It’s so true. We’re immune to trauma. It’s sick. 😕
Funny how the four black women in the thumbnail all have the whitest features.
This is why I have a hard time watching Insecure, I feel like all the main cast are really ugly and unforgiving to each other. Maybe that's the point and I haven't gotten far enough but it is difficult to watch because of the competitiveness and the like sabotaging and talking ugly to each other.
This intro alone was very powerful! I love the thought process of the duality of us all being both harmed by others and harmful to others. It is a mindset that is a strong pill to swallow because I feel like our experiences feel so personal to us and how we treat others is not as personal so we don’t take it as seriously or we excuse our behaviors because we may know our intentions but don’t give others the same grace. It’s complicated and deep. This conversation was needed. I love what you started!