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ARGH i have seen that dress & almost bought it WHERE did you get it please!? it looks SO good on you🤗 & i usually shy away from patterns but we are similar tones so i think that type of muted yellow pea green mixture would work.
i have written a response to your commentary & as usual profound words with NO negativity or expletives don't take. let's see if this comment sticks & ill try to apply my commentary. HERE IS PART 1: Also in regards to your commentary for OUR community i think we have had an overdose of the "familiarity breeds contempt" syndrome, at least that is what i call it. For instance, living in cramped neighborhoods called "projects", which weren't any better than historical $lave quarters, which meant NO room to sprawl out breath & find our OWN identity separate from this toxic oppressive societ🙄y. NOTICE how when they show NON b families in movies tv shows advertisements they were ALWAYS in a house, with SPRAWLING lawns & access to grass & foliage while WE had to navigate concrete landscape.
@@jouelzy here is PART 2: add to that cramped housing with reduced # of 👨🏼🦰 due to serving overseas, surprise 'visits" to our homes to start trouble, plus the stonewall of opportunities for us as woemen that bypassed traditional avenues of economic advancement. Meaning REMOVED from expectation, nosiness & even MOST problematic/critical ASSUMPTIONS of these dwights🙄. This FURTHER increased the ".... in a barrel" type of mentality that we are routinely criticized for. Add than the proliferation of that eroded things further. always feeling hyper vigilant about having to be a "credit to your R" while at the same time networking with the dominant society & trying to ascribe to their transactional type situations.
Honor is to acknowledge their debts and sacrifices, not to continue a relationship with them🤷🏾♀️. That’s what I always say to people who like to bust that out.
I am so sick of being gaslit and labeled a "disrespectful" or "ungrateful" child, by the black community for simply attempting to hold my mother accountable for the emotionally debilitating, abusive, chronic trauma that she inflicts on me to this day. Friends, neighbors, family members, and even lovers who have witnessed my abuse, justify the toxic behavior and simultaneously shame me for speaking on it and/or refusing to engage with my mother. This "no snitching" victim blaming culture adds another triggering layer of toxicity to the black mother-daughter relationship.
I agree! My mother was verbally and physically abusive. Obviously she can’t do some those things now but that doesn’t stop her from being verbally abusive to the point that she’ll harass me by text and phone if you she can’t get to me. I’ve had to block her completely.
@@VinaTaurus88 unfortunately this is true of almost every type of trauma. Literally a week after domestic violence I was told not to keep harping on it. My head was bounced off the floor like a basketball and tooth busted out, and apparently you only get a week to heal from that lol. Find the people who care enough to listen, let the others go. People who cant be bothered to care are not for you.
@@victorybeginsinthegarden we’ll never be perfect. Even those with little to no childhood trauma won’t be perfect parents. But the first step, that many of our parents didn’t do, is giving yourself the grace to acknowledge where your parents went wrong or lacked. From there we can BEGIN to learn and discuss what we can do differently. Not to be perfect. But to be better. We’ll never be completely healed but even just thinking about (such as watching this video), reflecting, and possibly changing our parenting approach is a step in the right direction. You’re never 100% ready for all that comes with being a parent but you can invest in yourself a little beforehand :)
Even if your mom isn’t “toxic”, many are emotionally immature and engage in unhealthy dynamics with their children due to their own upbringing. I highly recommend the book, “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, Or Self-Involved Parents”. It has helped so much in my own healing and understanding I can’t wait for my mom to be the person I want her to be and I need to focus on my own healing, boundaries and lowering my expectations for my own happiness.
39:30 I'll never forget sitting on an airplane, waiting for everyone to depart and as the people are waiting in the aisle, I saw a mother and daughter and the mother was just rubbing her daughter's hair, she was kissing the back of her head and I remember thinking, "I have no clue what that feels like." My mother was an emotionally unavailable covert narcissist. I had it rough growing up, because she was an angel to the world looking in and I was the rebellious child. I finally severed our r'ship after I had children, because I noticed the same imprint she left me, she was slowly doing it to them and I couldn't allow it. It was one of the best decisions I've made. I'm estranged from both of my baby boomer parents. *sigh* Yeah, I used to get that "You only have one mother and father" talk from family, and finally I said, "They only get one me."
Yes sis! So proud of you, I love seejng and hearing about black women breaking those cycles. Our babies deserve the best environment to grow physically, spiritually, and mentally. Don’t let anyone scorn you or claim you did the wrong thing.
That was my mother - An angel to the world but the supreme hell raiser in private. People who have mothers like the one you talked about @Erica Dinero TV - the one rubbing & kissing her daughter's head...yeah, I have no clue what that feels like either. People don't understand that all mothers are not the same. Everyone didn't get the woman that was sweetness & light to her children. Some of us got the mother who resented that she HAD to get married & raise a family; the one that resented the birth of all 3 of her children (all girls BTW) because we prevented her from doing & being what she wanted in life. Thank GOD for my Dad. There is something to what Joulzey said about a mother seeing herself in her daughters but resenting the way the world changed to allow the daughters to have the choices the mother didn't have. Facts 💯🔥
I went to the dr with BP of 225/120 after loosing 20lbs and cutting out salt. My favorite cousin that was the step daughter (in every sense of the word) to my mothers sister, reminded me that I used to throw up often when my mom got home. But I was the cutest and most dolled over kid growing up. I recently realized that my mother has never not once asked me if I was ‘OK’ without assuming that a melancholy mood was not some how centered around her.
My mom wasn’t the best mom and in some instances was toxic…but at least she took ownership of her behavior and is much better now. My mom had a rough upbringing and I learned much more about her trauma during the lockdown. She also acknowledged that she compared the dysfunction she grew up to what she did while I was growing up, since she didn’t do what was done to her, she felt it wasn’t as bad. But as she got older and more informed, she realized that she had many fails as a mom but also many successes. I’m just glad she took ownership of the toxic behavior and worked on it because I would have cut her off…and I had already did that with my father because he refused to take ownership and change.
@@SoakUpTheSonny I'm also curious about this. I put in so much labor to change and make sure my upbringing doesnt negatively impact my life, I wish my mother would go one the same journey so my healing doesnt come off as an affront to her. It would be great to actually like my mother and see her be her best self despite how her own mother traumatized her
And in the black community even in the black Caribbean, you better NOT hold your mother to account for her displays of toxicity and verbal abuse, or even complain about it. In these communities that’s ‘disrespect’.
“You resent your child for living in a body that is similar to your own, but having more options for autonomy because society has evolved.” Please marinate on @32:44 that was deep. To think a mother is looking at you and you’re choices and it starts from observing your body and frame (for dating/courtship/etc…) and she remembers when she had a similar shape or that Prime age and you as a woman chose different. So a little competitive traits and envy. You may not have rushed to have kids young like she did. You might of went straight to school/college and actually focused on your career. What’s not being said is sometimes your mom CAN BE JEALOUS of your right to pivot your life because times have changed. If you didn’t go in her same life path that could really consciously or subconsciously make her envious. So many of us didn’t just rush our lives because this what you did at a certain age. Some of our mothers truly thought motherhood started early. Some of our mothers depending on their era motherhood signified adulthood so maybe she did marry early or did become a single mom early. She didn’t get a chance to explore her true womanhood like many of us are doing now. So many of us are more free and delaying our own motherhood for simple self-discovery and self-care. So that quote was powerful. Some mothers are toxic because of the current options that are available and even normal now versus when she was a certain age. Society could of just told your mom she needed to be a mom to matter - today that’s not the case. This is a deep subject that needs healing and healing on so many levels! It’s still very interesting how black mothers are “RAISING” their daughters and “LOVING” their sons.
I’m glad we are finally discussing toxic mothers. My own mother was very toxic and abusive verbally and physically. I remember one time she even threw an iron at me while calling me out my name and punched me in the face and stomach. I did talk to her about how she was very abusive to me growing up and she got offended claiming I was calling her “ a bad mother “ and at least she put a roof over my head. She also blamed her having a hard life and brought up how she was abused by men. What happened to her was terrible but that doesn’t mean she can take it out on my brothers and I. I also was molested by my stepfather and I will never forget when she told me I couldn’t wear shorts around the men in the house then he touched me. What’s worst is that some of my family knew she was abusing my brothers and I but did nothing about it. I felt she did not protect me and she was my first bully. I’m in therapy dealing with the abuse I faced from my mother as well as the sexual trauma I experienced.
Proud of you for doing the work when your mom wasn’t strong enough to do it. Your bloodline has been waiting for you to blaze a different path then what was set for them to initially follow. I’m praying for you. It’s so hard to understand the mother wound if you don’t have one
I hope you heal and I’m glad your in therapy. I hope you & your brothers distance yourselves from her. She is toxic and dismissive of your experiences and feelings. You deserve happiness and in this case it’s okay to be selfless.
You owe your mother NOTHING. Not even a conversation after all of what happened to you. If you never want to speak to her again youre absolutely in the right.
Can we talk about the mothers who made the choices that served them all of your childhood including toxic relationships but now you must be responsible for their care because of their failing health!!.... Its the most toxic suffocating feeling when you haven't had the space to unpack the trauma caused by their abandonment of parenting yet you have to parent them to the detriment of your mental health. Its abusive and toxic AF! And of course you shouldn't complain because "you only get one mother" 😪
I feel “so much empathy” for you. There is a societal expectation that adult children take care of their parents, no matter what. A question to ask and answer is “is your mother still abusive?” Please give yourself permission to “have her taken care of” (i.e., placement in a nursing facility) without “taking care of her yourself.” If she is still abusive, at some point, trying to take care of her will be neither “safe” or “healthy” for you or her. It’s not wrong to help someone who hurt us…”from a distance.”
Black women have to inhabit a different understanding or concept of motherhood . We are suppose to carry the entire weight of not only our own families and households but 2nd and 3rd generations.
I love this topic. My mother was extremely toxic, I won’t get into the details. For a long time I would brush it off like it was nothing even though it messed me up. Now I’m in therapy, have a psychiatrist and take medication. I was unhappy for years and could never figure out why even after I left my mothers home. What my mother did was not okay, and there is no excuse for being like that. For all the ladies who grew up with toxic, emotionally abusive, abusive mothers I sympathize with y’all and I wish everyone major healing and peace.
I really wish that the general public was exposed more to this type of content where things are broken down from the beginning because the community that understands or is gaining the understanding of these concepts and why things are as they are, is just too small for me in 2022. It can be a lot to unpack but I just appreciate content like this that answers the "whys" in this bubble of being Black and living in an anti-Black world. This particular topic and relationship is not really discussed so I'm glad I tuned in. And that part about punishment is our way to liberation, even within our households. Whew! lol . Great video! Thank you for this one.
Its the worse trying to have these conversations with black people who are not ready to recieve this truth. They still hold on to the facade of "change" and that we should move on because there is so much opportunity for us these days. 🤔🙄 There can't be true change without factual acknowledgement of the facts and the powers that be being held accountable for their crimes.
@@TADSPROPERTY121307 NO ACCOUNTABILITY NO TRUST, NO TRUST NO FREEDOM LOVE GOD OR ANYTHING😤. and that is where i am at in my journey of WHY this existence is NOT worth it🙄. if we are here to be the proverbial "scapegoats" and boogeyman than i want OUT! i did NOT ask to be here & seeing how much more this place is a TRAP makes me VERY angry at a "supposed g_d" that seems to have left us here. for NOTHING🤬!!
I remember graduating from college and my mother wanted to be in the center of the photos she couldn’t handle me being celebrated for graduating from college, I know she hated it. My aunt told her “why are you in the middle!? Move over it’s STEPHANIE’s day!” Any time I’m having a good time she tries to destroys it for me
My mom made zero effort to find me after the ceremony I had to basically look for her and the two other family members who came. I asked her how come she didn’t find me. She said it was too crowded I let it go She made me feel as though I asked a silly question. I just wanted a picture to remember that moment
My mom came late and I don’t have a single picture. My sister was fighting spirits and my mom had to help her get dressed. This sister is also the one that just came back to save the day after being gone for 6 years cuz we didn’t like her boyfriend that loved to fight. They are gonna talk about her generational traumas now cuz when I was doing it, it wasn’t good enough 🤷🏽♀️
I just graduated in May my mother did nothing celebratory for me. Then apologized which she had never done for not doing anything. She didn't want to take pictures with me or anything.
Oh honey I can tell you my mom coddle my brothers he’s been having her car for almost a month if it was the other way around she’ll say girl I need my car!! She deflect when I tell her she let her son’s get away with everything we had to get it how we live!!
@@redbone8844 my mom gives my little brothers permission to stay up after 10p, as I remember that my sister and I had to go bed exactly at 9:30p. The only times we could stay up is when we're finishing a movie.
OMG Y'ALL FINNA LIGHT YA MOMMA'S ASSES UP IN THESE COMMENTS!!😝😝😂😂😭😭I'm here for it!! Too many of us have kept this shit inside and carried the weight of abuse/trauma and manipulation all the way into adulthood. It's about time folks started exposing the foolery 🤷🏿♀️🤷🏿♀️🙏🏿🙏🏿 One day, I'm going to tell my story too 💁🏿♀️🥴!!
@@kmc1994 I agree with you. I wrote that comment as a bit of light hearted humor which helps sometimes 😂. I have my own toxic situation with my own mother as well and even though I believe therapy will help me in a number of ways. I'm always realistic about its limitations. This type of dysfunction takes a lifetime to really heal from. But, yes everyone's situation and growth through experiences like these vary. P.s. you linking capitalism into this important discussion also key 🔥
As someone currently coming to terms with the toxicity of my own mother 🥲 these videos help me feel like I’m not hallucinating my traumas because in both of my parents eyes, I’m always “taking it the wrong way” (and my favorite) taking mean things said to me “too personally” and trying to defend myself is (you guessed it!) disrespect. Fun times. Thanks so much for this! You look super dreamy, also. It’s a good look.
As a person who deeply hates when people tell me I'm "too sensitive" I wanted people to be able feel validated in acknowledging their harm, because I know ppl will find every which to dismiss it.
same i got told by my family that when my mother says mean/abusive things to me to just ignore it and not take any of her threats towards having a place to live or physically abusing me seriously bc she never actually does it anymore... it's this mindfuck because parents and family members met your mother before you and they have the mother's best interest.. i also think each person a child confides in defends the mother's ego and parenting because the people the mothers surrounded themselves with have he same beliefs as them creating an echo chamber that's been locked with the key thrown away
I'm a Black, queer man, 23, recent postgrad. But this video really resonated with me. I needed this video today. Because I'm just now coming to terms with the ways in which my single mother, whom I love and try to talk to every day, really harmed me growing up and continues to harm me and my brother. Talking about this and boundaries in therapy tomorrow. Hopefully I can get back into reading and read some of these recs you made. Thanks for this.
So interested in your perspective as a man growing up with a single mother. Whatever it is, therapy is...therapeutic lol. I am a 33 year old single mother and have started therapy last year mostly fir unhealed childhood trauma. It's amazing that in your early 20s you made that very mature decision to seek help. Sending lots of positive vibes your way!
for someone who had a nuclear family structure and was relatively financially secure its been very hard trying to talk about the harm or abuse I experienced within my family without being seen as ungrateful or disrespectful or crazy. Thank you for making this video. It has been so crippling to feel like you should be happy because you have everything that should make up a happy family yet not even feel safe within your own home because of the abuse and dysfunction.
I felt that. I was raised in a nuclear family as well, and people look at that as an automatic “good childhood”. There are single parent households way more healthy and peaceful than a lot of two parent households.
This! I grew up in a nuclear family as well and them ninjas should've divorced 40 years ago. There was domestic violence, verbal abuse, emotional abuse, financial abuse and just general instability. They're still together too😒
This! You’re not allowed to talk about your trauma, and your experience is invalidated because you had the superficial makings of a “good childhood” … and my parents are still together (40 years) but shouldn’t be honestly. However, they counsel other couples 🥴 and are disappointed that I divorced because I wouldn’t allow the same abuse & dysfunction they consider to be normal behavior.
Exactly, I grew up in an almost Huxatble facade outwardly but was subjected to a covert narcissistic shopaholic colorist mother and an emotionally unavailable father who both raised the daughters but coddle and loved the only son until this day and me and my siblings and are middle aged and the parents are 70ish. I’m a grey rock.
Having had a child on the cusps of my own high school graduation I know she didn’t get the best version of me and the same goes for my own mother. The difference is I sought therapy not only for myself, but to be a better person for my daughter. She’s 21 now and I acknowledge the ways I hurt her and apologize to her on a regular basis. I’m blessed to have a much closer and healthier relationship with her than my mom and I have.
Whew Chile! I’ll have to stop this a few times, but this conversation is needed. My mom and I have a really shaky relationship and since I’ve been back under her roof, it’s gotten rockier. We both have mental health challenges, but I’m more interested in healing myself, rather than placing blame or deflecting. That’s what she does and unfortunately I’m the outcast because I want to end the generational trauma
Autumn, you can "never" get well when you live with an abuser; for your own mental, spiritual, and even physical health, give yourself a "move out date" for this year, and ask God to open a door to leave.
This was really good. Another analogy is Polly Breedlove in The Bluest Eye. She took so much pride in keeping the white family house she worked for in order, loved how they doted over and loved on the young white daughter as her own, which begs to question how do you love on your own child? But neglected her own home and children though she delighted in being the breadwinner. And that pie scene. Oh man. My mom and talk about this often. We had a particularly acrimonious relationship when I began puberty through 16 and consider each other best friends now. But she didn't have the opportunity to just be a mama. She had to be ma and pa. The breadwinner, the disciplinarian, the nurturing one, the maid. She had no option to be bad cop or good cop. Only the cop. And essentially no one to help take the burdens off. Like you said in the video she didn't have kids with someone who she knew wasn't a good person and would leave her to rear the children alone. I think our relationship got better when she was no longer the manager of my life and became the consultant (word to an episode of oprah show). I wouldn't call her toxic at all. But at the time overworked, no support, and no mental support resources.
As someone who cut my mother off indefinitely, I came to this with an open mind knowing you didn't have the toxic mom experience, and I'm willing to do the reading as this angle is great for academic discussion and theory.....but in real life.....unh unh girl....these women really need to finally be held accountable for the harm they're causing and spreading like a virus😮💨
Did you make it to the 30:15 mark? Because nowhere did I suggest that toxic mothers should be absolved of their harmdoing. But also I don't believe that public accountability is a thing. There's no way for me to hold anyone's mothers accountable because I don't live within their community.
I felt she spent way to much time explaining the toxicity and not enough time acknowledging the real harm it causes. It was a nice history lesson but did very little to hold bw accountable for their actions or provide the victims of these mothers any real advice on how to deal with these women.
@@dinkyboss Well, I think the disconnect yall are having is because Jouelzy is viewing this from a sociological lens, while you wanted a more psychological perspective. There really isn't much for Joulezy to say about the harm it causes to individuals and how to deal with toxic family members because she is not a psychologist. You are speaking about issues that can only be dealt with from inside the family system. The harm and how to manage people like that comes down to individualistic circumstances. Which is 100% within the realm of psychologists. And there are psych youtube breakdowns how this toxic behavior impacted you and ways to deal with toxic family members.
I’m heavy on building and maintaining a healthy relationship with my daughter. We are breaking the generational cycle of toxic mother-daughter relations. ❤️🙏🏽🙌🏽
Yesss! I'm so glad you decided to do this topic. Black womanhood is so complicated in the US. Thanks for bringing in the historical references. We often forget just how much TRAUMA Black women have experienced in this country, specifically around womanhood/motherhood. Our history impacts all of our interpersonal relationships.
Could have listened to this for HOURS, its that complex! This was the sociological/psychology therapy session that many of us needed because it is so deep-rooted. The levels of trauma that we have is like peeling back an onion. Household, community, society, national, global. The state of being a Black Woman, being raised by a Black Woman, and raising Black Women has many components. It leads us to question how to protect ourselves from this emotional harm. How to love people but still shield oneself from the generational hurt. This was a beautifully done video Jouelzy. Your best one yet!
It goes back to slavery. These mothers were Abused as well. Black people both men and women were not debriefed and healed after slavery they keep passing on the trauma, abuse, brainwashing to the next generation. Everyone needs to go to therapy.
accountability over forgiveness ALWAYS... the most frustrating part about this is that you're the one who's addressed to adjust but everyone else is fine with the toxic person continuing on as they are bc u are the one who is held to a higher standard... ppl who don't have daily relationships w/ this person bc they're dysfunctional will come at u about bridges and all that nonsense... ugh breaking generational curses is a lone road but u will always have your peace; the toxic person has had their entire lives to grow but more than likely won't bc they're satisfied w/ themselves and tolerated and enabled so don't let anyone tick a clock @ u... i'm 31 and ive been estranged from my mother for 8 years and tho it has been difficult at times (bc we're taught guilt) I don't regret it... THIS IS YOUR TIME AND YOUR BOUNDARIES GO BE HAPPY AND FREE
Quiet as kept some mothers abuse and mistreat their daughters because they hate being held fully accountable for their bad behavior these women want people around them that will agree with their every word and action they see accountability as a attack instead of an opportunity to become a better person.
I had a very hard childhood and I was doing too many adult things too soon. My mother was kind of rescued by her husband later in life. I grew up feeling that she took a life jacket and escaped but left me struggling for most of my childhood. I withdrew when I was a teenager but I recently apologized to her for not being there in her wedding. She acknowledged she wasn't the best mom and apologized. I don't think we'll ever be close but I appreciated the apology.
People that say "That is your mom none-the-less. How dare you cut off your mother". Don't even have a different experience. They simply want others to tolerate the nonsense they're tolerating too
The "mother who resents her daughter's image". That was my mother. Before my mom died, my adult niece (the only offspring my mother really loved) had a conversation with my mother. Niecey said, "Grands don't like none of y'all" (I have 2 sisters). She loved but she resented us. My mother said that she never wanted children because she wanted to do things with her life and children held her back. She resented having to marry & have children. So, now I understand why she treated us as she did. I also believe my mother was traumatized when she was young. She was born in the 1930s in the Jim Crow South. She & my grandmother moved to the Chicago area in the 1940s. And don't forget about mental illness in our families. Our community won't talk about how that contributes to the dysfunctionality between mothers & daughters. Thank you for exploring this topic.
31:48 Oop. That's my father right there. Literally believes it is his right to bully and demean us because that's the "real" world and he is trying to "prepare" us. Not realizing that his words and actions do way more damage than any random person on the street could ever do to us specifically because he is our father. And any attempts to address this is met with threats of abandonment.
People will try to protect and defend an abusive based on a outdated word of law of parenting or from a book no matter what harm the child has been though from that parent.
I think that it is difficult to talk about toxic mothers if you do not have one. By no means do I think that this discussion was not useful or was wrong in any kind of way. It is difficult to get to the true emotions and effects of being raised by a toxic mother unless you've gone through it. It is something that is like nothing else. With saying that I feel like you did a great job. I also feel like we need to have some type of panel or forum for black women who were raised by toxic mothers that includes women raised by toxic mothers. Because there's a certain level that people who haven't been through it can't even imagine because it should have never been. That is not their fault and I hope that they never have to experience those things. Those of us who have been through it often need that core understanding from a firsthand standpoint to be able to really express what happened and how they genuinely have been affected by it.
I say this because this is coming from the standpoint of how slavery and the effects of racism in this country directed black motherhood. Which is a valid topic and is absolutely true. It is also totally different than just having a toxic mother who chooses never to look within, to grow or to pour into her daughter on any level. Example: having a grandmother who was not toxic but her daughter (the mother) being extremely toxic. With that individual yes the history of black people in America does play a role but not to the extent that there should be any understanding of the way that individual would abuse or mistreat their child. It was not passed down it was that individual. I hope that makes sense because I don't want you or anybody to think that I'm criticizing what this is I just think toxic mothers and what we're talking about in this video are two totally different things.
@@idahouston9143 Ase'my Sista ✊🏿 and may our panel begin here with us.. I came to seeking answers in this shared experience with our Black Mothers..as presently I have distanced myself temporarily from my Mother...this quagmire has been a perpetual reoccurrence through my whole life.. 58 yrs...Mama is 75. I Love her dearly, and always will..but here we are again back to the ol drawing board so to speak.. I was astounded to see this in common with my Sistas all over this EARTH...the wazungus parasitical agendas that be, a common denominator... Im her only child, which left me wide open to her many deflections, from munchousens by proxy, to guilty conscience on her part as a Mother..she had me as a teenager and was treated badly by her mother...I feel Granma felt bad afterwards and helped raise me...my mother was akin to an older sister along with my aunt, her older sister, also had a major part of my upbringing...but how am I to be held accountable for her trauma? Which by proxy traumatized me? This is just one of those layers in our shared experience with our Black Mothers, and etc...I don't wanna miss out on her golden years, but I have been mentally and emotionally at peace with our distance right now..
I am really glad to see this topic being discussed. However, I think this needs to be one part of a series of discussions about the "toxicity" of black women. We cannot discuss the "Toxic Black Mother" without discussing the "Toxic" Auntie, Sister, Cousin, and Girlfriend. The truth is that we live in a toxic narcissistic society and in the black commnuity, I believe, we are more emotionally co-dependent and subjected than any other community. Perhaps it's due to the trauma that we have experienced historically, and were never able to unpack as individuals until now. As slaves we were not considered human, much less allowed to express our emotions triggered by the intense pain we endured. After slavery, within our own community we were taught, "Keep your business to yourself", which in a sense is a good thing because often, when we confide in family and friends, it becomes the latest gossip in that circle. That gossip in itself is triggered by the deliverers' own need to deflect the pain and shame they feel of themselves due to their trauma--and sometimes becomes a continuous pattern of shaming and bullying in a crafty covertly narcissistic manner turned back toward the subject. You all know what I mean: Them "messy" folks in our community. To add to all this, when we struggled with mental health issues, as little as feeling depress or overwhelmed, it was considered shameful to see a therapist. Noone wants to be the family member everyone says is not "wrapped too tight" or just called outright "crazy." When a black women dares to shed a tear, she is considered weak, and when she turns to lay her head there is the empty space of what one would expect to be the shoulder of an emotinally present and supportive black man/father--or even present at all! With all this , and so much more to endure, the weight is MOST OFTEN dumped on the BLACK MOTHER (WOMAN)! Careful how you internalize and externalize this sisters. As traumatized adult women now, what role do you play in this? That is where the healing begins. THAT WORK IS THE HARDEST, but it has to be done. Lets do the work to break the cycle and heal lovingly, both individually, and as a whole.
This is my life. I have a mother that’s very toxic so much so she creates stress in my life that manifest into my immune system attacking itself. I’ve made it a point to not communicate with her, I can’t. It does me no good. I’m in a good place, finally. I still can’t help but feel alone at times because I don’t have my mother the way I’d like to have her in my life. It’s really hard at every age, I’m 35 and still I wish I had my mom in my life in a healthy way.
@@chrys8478 I got this advice from lectures I bought from Kendall St. Charles. She was once on UA-cam but she’s not anymore. She said most black women’s mothers will never be the type of mothers we need them to be, so we have to learn how to mother ourselves and heal our mother wounds in the process.
This was perfect, *Jouelzy*! Another element, or type of mother, is the role mental health plays. I love that you took a step back to address the historical context. My mother was schizophrenic but we didn't know it at the time because no one ever took her to be evaluated. Because American Black people did not trust the Healthcare system (every one here knows what I'm saying). She was largely functional so there was no "room in the attic/basement/back of the house" to hide her in. So every just ignored it. But she didn't ignore me and my sister. She unleashed her fury on us regularly! From something like "you look ugly with that gap in your mouth" to "I know you and your friends are watching me through these TVs". Toxic, for me, really is an understatement.
All my life my mom has always been either super clingy and overly nice or just plain mean and cruel and letting my step father treat me badly. I hate to say it but if I ever had kids I would not let her watch them.
I’ve never had a good relationship with my mother, GOD forgive me I’m ok with not having a relationship with her. She is toxic beyond comprehension. She hates the bond I have with my father anytime I’m bonding with my dad she looks disturbed and she would tell me “he met me first!” “That’s MY husband” I just hate how my dad doesn’t protect me from her wrath but I too understand he doesn’t want to ruffle her feathers but still I am your daughter protect me from how mentally and emotionally abusive my mother is with me. She has done and has said the most ruthless shit to me. I could never be this way with my children
Question: does “breaking generational curses” only mean healing ourselves for the benefit of future generations - or does it also mean we need to reach back and try to encourage healing in our elders too? Like can we ethically walk away from the elders as a lost cause and leave them to figure it out (which is super unlikely, right? Since they don’t know what they don’t know)…? I struggle with this… partially because i have a thing where I feel an obligation to save everybody from everything in general… but also because as an empath, it’s hard to watch. However, every time I try to help my mother see, I end up hurt. Just don’t know how/when to stop trying forreal.
That's a good question. It's a natural instinct in most people to try and interrupt whatever is not going well. I'd say breaking generational curses is like being a circuit breaker, when the current reaches you, you interrupt what's not going well. There's not anything you can do about the current's journey before it reached that point. Some elders will be receptive, others not. It's a focus on yourself and the future.
You can try and get them to grow however as you’ve experienced yourself, it’s insanely difficult to get through to them. Unfortunately breaking generational curses often means breaking away from toxic family members who aren’t trying to change as they will be detrimental to the goal. It’s difficult. But you can only help people who want to be helped.
This is a good question. I would say “breaking generational curses” should surround us healing ourselves. Looking back, I’ve tried to encourage healing in others (my parents, elders etc) and it leaves me disappointed and more frustrated. I do think it is better for me to JUST WORRY ABOUT ME at this point😊
You can’t save anyone who doesn’t WANT to be saved. It took me a long time to finally understand that they don’t want to be saved. That was their choice. I’m focused on healing and saving those who want to be saved. That’s all we can do, the rest is up to the Most High.
Growing up I thought my mothers abusive behavior was “normal” since I never interacted with other people to understand a truly healthy relationship. After I turned 11, my mom would always pull me by the hair, scream at me, punch me and slam my face in the ground but no one in the family would do anything to help me because “mothers are so untouchable and do so much.” And all other bs, but so many times this woman has endangered not only me but my younger siblings I NEEDED to protect. My baby brother became my world, and I felt so attached to protect him that I never realized I still babied him at the age of 7 now. (Which I’m trying to not do anymore) My grandmother was the person I’d look for safety but she co-signed with my mom and encouraged her behavior as well. I rlly had no one to turn too growing up and developed a lot of trust issues/psychotic and depressive disorders I had to face as well but I made it and am now in college specializing in graphic design. This behavior in the community is so ingrained it actually makes me sick, and I won’t be having any children of my own. Instead I’ll help the ones that are here and lessen the problems
Dam ma I know exactly everything you mean and feel your pain This race/community is extremely cold to mothers abuse and love father bashing like crazy so one sided and projecting smh that’s why I keep to myself I personally can’t with our own smh !.
My mom used to accused of being sexually active asking me every 3 months if I’m a virgin. I never used to go to parties and sleepovers cause she was scared I’d get pregnant. I had no childhood. I was stuck raising my lil sis while she was acting like a kid. Always tearing me down, when I got older I was called disrespectful for trying to mend our relationship and I’m only an “adult” to her when it’s time to pay rent. We’d make the same salary but she’d always drain me of money
Mine always put men before me, my brothers, all her dusty boyfriends. I’m so over her, it’s crazy how she can treat me any kind of way and I still wake up the next day and be nice to her , I can’t even hate her even though how much I wanted to
A really complex example of how toxic relationships between mothers and daughters manifest and how society nurtures them can be found in a book called Here Comes The Sun by Nicole Dennis-Benn. It’s set in Jamaica and touches on the colourism, misogynoir, classism and anti-queerness that’s embedded in Caribbean culture. It’s really great read!!
Delores was toxic af. But we see it started with her mother who placed the son above the daughter. Therefore playing into those patriarchal ideas that Joulzey of the man being the 'saviour' of the family.
Latocha Terrelonge absolutely!!! There’s a generational aspect to the toxic relationships that go on between mothers and daughters and men (fathers, brothers, creepy uncles and the like) absolutely play a role in this they don’t exist in a vacuum. And in fact a lot of the strain between Delores, her mother, Margot and Thandi are related to men in some way. About to start reading Patsy and I can’t wait!
I am currently feeling guilty about not speaking with my mother for the past month. I laid out how her actions have affected me. I was met with I don’t remember, that didn’t happen no personal accountability. I said to her if you could own something and say I’m sorry I hurt you . I could at least except that. She said ok I’m sorry I hurt you what do you want from me. It’s always been this way so I don’t know why my heart is broken. But it is all I wanted was to have healthy communication and start a new with healthy practices. However it can’t be one sided. I mentioned you don’t support me which she responded with you always did what you wanted how am I going to support you. This is an college educated woman and you don’t understand what support means. I addressed how she favored my brother and did not even try to hide or deny it. It’s like she got a kick out of hurting me but then would be annoyed by my pain because she didn’t want to deal with my emotions. All I wanted was to be loved so now I’m learning how to love myself.
I love the way you explain pressing issues within the black community and how informed you are. Thank you for sharing, these conversations are much needed :)
Hey thanks for this video! I'm Cameroonian American (African) and I feel like the toxic mothers from my community have a "I suffered, made poor financial decisions, I tolerated an abusive relationship, I'm not that educated enough, just pray God will provide for us, I'm secretly stressed and suffering mentally but God is in control...blah blah blah which indirectly says "I don't have to change, you have to pay the price of my poor choices, I don't care about you're mental health or financial goals because you're expected to care for me or you're family b/c who else will" & don't you dare protest b/c then you're labeled as acting American/ being a bad daughter/ ungrateful... and the community in silent about this.... not everyone but most ppl are
My African mother didn’t take my mental health seriously until I was 22 years old and in a really bad place that she witnessed with her own eyes. There is a lot of gaslighting in those dynamics. If I had a slight negative feeling towards her I was a “bad Christian”.
@@inmeditatewetrust thx. Things are much better now that I’m away from her and her annoying husband. I am 1000% sure if I still lived at home to this day I would have ended up in a mental institution. I was in the midst of a worsening mental breakdown when I finally found a way out. The things that woman has put me through is demonic which is ironic since she’s such a Godly woman. I hope you are in a better place because toxic African mothers will suck the life out of you as long as you allow them too. They need to be held accountable and learn how to take responsibility for their own terrible choices. My mom likes to complain about how hard it was to raise my sisters and I when she had no reason to struggle whatsoever. She chose to struggle because of her pride and her God. I have no sympathy for her.
This is exactly the same dynamic I'm in with my mother. Me drowning mentally and financially is seen as a sacrifice for the family. Moved 8 hrs away and limited contact to brief calls one a week. Still annoying.
The family that they hold up from "back in the day" as the model we are to go back to....yeah, the men may have been in the home but they many had no self-control, mad cuz they ain't got no money/job whatever, but they are the direct reason as to having 15 or more mouths to feed AND another family cross town and they were struggling to take care of themselves before child #1?? Who was the ones taking care of the "family"?? Other females, no matter the age in the family. How is this insanity put on a pedestal? That statement it takes a villiage to raise a child is cop out and passed on the responsibility of the children that these men contributed to them being here, onto every female in the familal unit. We have no Elders, just a bunch of folks who made it to an advanced age as there is zero wisdom and respect to be paid for willfull non-admittance of mistakes and in perpetual continuance of doing the same things that have never worked. And worse...guilt-tripping, sabotage, shaming and manipulation of the younger generations grab the poison filled baton to continue on the "tradition".
Jouelzy you’re so f****** amazing. My relationship with my mother legitimately took away opportunities for my future, subjected me to perpetual abuse from her and others for years, and even later disowned me after I came out as trans. It took me almost 9 years to accept that I’m not her or her choices at all. I love that you’re talking about this and addressing trauma on all sides 😭😭💛
Wow. this was a great video. my mom is toxic. mainly emotionally abusive, neglectful and narcissistic- a teaspoon of Black Chyna's mother, but then switches her personality to match the atmosphere. my grandmother was narcissistic and super controlling- think a black Mommy dearest- . i always yearned for both of them to love me. even to the point of complying to their demands. when i did- i became my grandmothers "actual slave" and my every waking moment revolved around her and her life and problems. and my mother well- the more i complied -the more she will disrespect me as a humanbeing. To the point of bullying. i spoke up for myself the older i got- she would just buy me material things or cooked me something to smooth things over- as an unofficial apology .Then proceeds to be the same ass hole she been her whole life. My grandmother has died. i still love and respect her for her professional accomplishments in life but - but being a mother was Not one of those accomplishments. And my mother- well i love her- but idk how to deal with her. None of her children do.
The fact that I fit in better with the white family I'm marrying into than the zealously pro-black family that emotionally abused me constantly fucks with me. I'm far from the first black person who's ever been told that she's "acting white", but my relatives took it up to 11, with my mom being the biggest perpetrator. Long story short, she projected her racial trauma onto her daughters (and to a lesser extent, every black person in her orbit), and I was just never "black enough" for her. I understand that she was growing up right after the Civil Rights Movement, so it's a balancing act feeling empathy for what she's experienced while holding her accountable for the harm she's caused me.
🙌🏾🙌🏾this is a topic within the black community that NEEDS to be addressed! “Acting white” or “talking white” has followed me my whole life! It has caused me to not even wanna deal with black people cause I’ve been told my whole life that I’m not “really” black.
My family is from Jamaica. My mom was a single teenaged mom who was married and divorced with 3 kids before age 30. She's bought homes, graduated college...however she's been soo traumatized that she believes all of our family's problems stem from a curse. From obeah. Witchcraft. If I try to start a dialogue abt the practical and obvious toxic behavior patterns in our family, I'm gaslit and my points are trivialized. Dismissed as not believing in tradition and what the "old people tell the kids". Want to note I've worked in mental health for almost 20 years now. It gets delusional and exhausting sometimes. We need to have real conversations about how unprocessed trauma causes serious mental health issues. I dont know how long I can continue to communicate with her st the risk of damaging my own mental health. Today is her birthday. Now I gotta go eat cake and pizza with these folks in a few hours. My palms are already sweaty lolol
I saw this recommended at around 11 am South Africa ... didn't think I'd get into a fight with my mom and move out just a few hours later. The timing of things can be eerie sometimes but definitely never coincidental
Jouelzy, great job with your delivery in this video. It’s such a touchy subject when it comes to our (black) moms and how we communicate. I’ve learned a lot more about my mothers childhood as I got older(30s). I wondered, for years why my mom was strict, verbally and physically abusive. I now know she grew up with trauma and never had good examples of how to effectively communicate or articulate her thoughts. It was learned by her environment.
I thank you for this … this is for me honestly. Even my own siblings don’t get the entirety of the toxic relationship with my mother cause it’s only with me and not my other sisters. So thank you I feel seen
I was not raised my biological mother, but my aunt( my dad’s sister) My biological mother reached out, and revealed the circumstances that lead to me living with my aunt. It was a messy custody battle, and my mother exchanged information she learned of during the PI investigation. I lived with a women who has probably been suffering with D.I.D. since she was 19 or 20. Her family did nothing. She was more than likely sexually assaulted in college( attended a PWI during the early 80s, so i’m sure not much was done) and based off of the relationship she has with her dad( my grandfather) I KNOW they swept alot of her mental instability under the rug. She is obviously arrested in her development. I believe she was molested as a child, and that was swept away as well. They say there are people who can only raise children up to a certain age. She is definitely one of them. When I started developing, she dropped the ball. I was emotionally neglected throughout the most crucial and confusing years of my life. No help with my period, or understanding my body…. During the original investigation mentioned above, my mom found out that my aunt was plotting to kidnap her young neighbor’s toddler. She would pay my aunt to watch her while she went to work… During this time my aunt reported the mother for child abandonment and neglect. Curated a whole story, and made this young women look like a dumba***. Luckily, her efforts were futile. Then, years later, I came along. She basically did the same thing to my mom but was successful. My mom said my aunt fawned over me, and stared and stared… She loves kids, and I believe the abuse she faced left her infertile. At the same token, it left her mentally incapable of nurturing a child beyond the start of her abuse and sense of self was lost( probably 9 or 10) All of this is to say, we have to do more to protect black little girls. We have to have these conversations. We have to have these spaces for US. My grandparents were not there for my aunt. They are completely aware of what happened to her, and did nothing when her mental state was obviously declining. I have had to pick the pieces up, and do so much unnecessary work to understand something that could have been easily explained to me. It is not my job. It is not our job.
This was a great analysis, yet the part about Black American men not being **allowed** or are not **capable** of being financial providers for their families because of labor inequality, is where I think you could have done a deeper analysis. Visibly minority American men and immigrants do not depend on the women: wives, mother's, daughters, aunt's, grandmothers to be the financial primary provides of their families of their communities. Collective cultural values, starting businesses, maintaining generational wealth and legacy via marriage, property, and business enables men of other communities to be financial providers for their families. Indians, Muslims, Chinese, Japanese Jewish, Nigerians (and other African) Iranians, Turkish, and Russian men living in America are not depending on women and girls in their life to financially provide for them....hence why their communities who historically and today are affluent and part of an ownership class in the US. All the CEOs of some of the biggest tech companies: Google, Twitter, Microsoft are Indian Immigrant men! Also not all Black American s are Christians some are Muslim and Jewish, which religiously and culturally puts the financial responsibility of providing for a family on men. Black American men, are NOT the only ones who have and continue to be systematically face discrimination and bureaucratic barriers, but are **the only men** who blame women and society for not being able to practice their manhood like Caucasian men. Black American men need to do the work, and Black American should feel no guilt or lower their standards for marriage or dating a class of men who refuse to compete with other men for resources, building business, and creating safe communities.
Immigration in America is based on imperialism. If you back to immigrant men's home country you find the similar problems that you see in African American communities. Not every man from India is able to immigrant to USA. Using exceptionalism is harmful.
I do agree exceptionalism and even so called meritocracy is dangerous. However I lived in a many developing and middle class countries: Turkey, Kazakhstan, Thailand, China, Korea, Singapore, and Israel to name a few. Poor and rich men in these countries still had the values that it was up to men to provide for their communities, value education as a means of children having a better life, and starting and running family businesses and scaling businesses to build wealth. Indians, like many Asians, have a collective approach when it comes to family (setting up their children for marriage), paying for their kids education, and in turn taking care of their elders. Indians that immigrant to the US, are the best and brightest in their home countries and come to the US to **win** professionally. No excuses, even if they are poor or from a middle class family. This is not imperialism, it's about men and families in these communities doing what it takes to win economically, financially, and professionally. They are not depending on their women, blaming historically and systematic racism or hardships to "make it" or provide for their families. If Black American men want respect, they need to build, compete, and provide like most men.
Is it gaslighting when you mother cites "post traumatic slave syndrome" as a justification for the abuses she inflicted? I wish I could sue for all of the therapy I've had to pay for 😅
I Really Needed This. People don't Realize the Dark Side of Having a Black Single Mother from the Point of View of a Child, it was a Scary Power Imbalance as a Large Black Boy with a Mental Illness Against Her and Her Enablers. Also, Abusive Parents is a Huge Reason Why We Divest that No One Mentions.
My mother course corrected. She’s a fully black Afro Latina and all her life she had to fight aggressive masculine female Latinas of no color who was always trying to put her in her place. My parents love language were books, so she reading about the history of Spain blanquimentos mejor la raza etc Her dual position of being both dark and beautiful she was treated like she didn’t deserve her beauty - and she was and is really, really beautiful. It also took my brother, her 1st born son ragging out from 12yrs beginning at 10. Many black mothers are scared of their sons and lock their bedroom doors. She almost had a full breakdown. She once said Bmale children are like pit bull, so loving & sweet at first but when they attack they don’t let up. So you need your daughters obedience and the strength of their little girl mule ing to satisfy the wants and demands of the males in the family & extended family sometimes. Once my older brother was out of the house at 18, she stopped s l u t shaming us and had conversations with my sister and I, we didn’t have to pay bills, she cried a lot and told us to do better than she did especially since we had more education. The biggest think is she took her foot off of our necks and without incident we went to Uni, got married and moved out. And with out my mother to rage against and blame for everything in site my brother eventually married and speaks to her twice daily. Black women across the diaspora and as a collective have their feet on their daughters neck and many (not all) don’t want to admit that it’s there or even move their feet. It’s a difference in mother’s who have a firm loving hand on their daughters collar. It’s a very big difference.
This!! The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao painfully, beautifully explores these themes. When you heal yourself you heal all that came before you and create a new mode of being for those that come after... 💗
My dad is Afro Caribeño and he has 3 jobs plus running the family bodega with his brothers doing the books. My dad put his head protect your little sisters y mine your mada. He listened to our dad. He eventually apprenticed under my dad but make big money since high school working with the Italians, Sheks and then developers. He never lived at home again.
This video stirred up a whole ocean's worth of feelings. I've been in therapy for a couple of years (highly recommend it) and one of the first things I had to work through (and still am working through) is things my parents said and did and the things I carry with me now. This has gotten easier to work through once I gave up on the notion that I needed an apology. I think a lot of us go into these discussions hoping to affect change in our older (often stubborn) mothers. I'm in a different place with my expectations for my mom but that doesn't make all the bad things go away.
I went through mental health issues in my teens and My parents and grandparents said I was doing it for attention My Aunt and uncle and causins were the only ones who were supportive of me
Not watched the video yet but this is a much needed conversation in the black community and in all sectors from Caribbean, Afro Latino and African just type toxic mother in yt search bar and the amount of black women who said they’ve had toxic mothers is astounding I’ve dealt with this issues for years and now I am just now beginning to unpack everything that happened I have developed depression anxiety symptoms of agrorphobia cPTSD looking for a therapist and some one who intimately knows this type of situation has been hard bought books but have not open
My mother NEVER showed me how to be a woman💔 She didn't even show me how to clean myself properly💔 I am light skin(not mixed) and she is dark skin and I have felt nothing but HATE FROM HER💔
Yeah I had to learn from UA-cam and my auntie, when my 13 year old sister went through puberty last year she taught her to shave DRY!! When she told me I was fuming and had to teach her myself
One time I tried bringing up the physical abuse I received growing up from my mom to her and she told me it was "discipline". In addition to having a toxic/abusive mother, my father was incarcerated pretty much my whole life. My childhood was really hard, it still effects me. Im now 24 and just now unpacking alot of the trauma I experience.
Thanks so much for discussing this topic Jouelzy! I have an extremely toxic narcissist mother who caused so much harm in my life. I became a therapist unconsciously trying to fix and understand her behaviour. I let go and recognised I needed to heal myself and focus on my.own wellbeing. I'm on the path of healing my inner child and mothering myself. Love from London xxx
Wow. This second version pulled it all together. It filled in some blanks and kept the main idea centered. I think this video is one of your best videos about a heavy topic using history to support your thoughts. I truly hope it helps those who requested this topic be covered. You did that!👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾
There was an interesting point at the end about how people deal with the grief of not having a healthy mother-child bond differently, especially in the context of queerphobia from family members. I definitely had a period of family rejection because of my sexuality, but I had another Black Mixed Race friend who had dealt with it long before me, and was trying to show me around the Black queer scene etc. They'd always ask why I hadn't moved out of the home yet, why I was not throwing myself into the Black queer scene and going out lots, meeting lots of women. They didn't understand it. I was trying to piece together a mother-daughter connection that, in the present day, I'm not sure existed as I thought it did, or at the very least had broken apart irreparably. While I appreciated my friend trying to get me to build a new community and connections, I was still mourning what I lost. But as a young Black lesbian who was new to all of it, I thank them for those outings, because I wouldn't have any memories of being out and in fun queer spaces to look back on.
Thank you for this. It's hard to wrap my mind around my mother having a much better relationship with her first kid than me, but, that weight isn't for me to carry.
Wow, sorry to hear this. But your situation is rare. It’s usually the oldest child who gets it the worst. But your case is different, she treats the older child better than the rest? Do you all have different fathers?
This was great!!! I love how you intergraded books both fiction and nonfiction into the talk. I always associated the idea of paddling in fraternities and sororities with slavery as a means to control and conform the individual into the imagine of the beater. (I am not greek so I really do not have a great frame of reference.) Anywho, I appreciated this topic and plan to add many of these books to my list. Good luck with your graduate studies.
I have deep "mommy issues" surrounding neglect, and emotional abuse by my mother that I have tried to break free from for over 25 years. Since I was 5, I always felt invisible to my mom and felt I was at mercy to her whims and wishes that often put me and my siblings at peril. Recently, I read the Bible, and it clicked in my spirit that forgiveness with boundaries is the only way. I will attempt to be "washed by the Word" because I've tried everything else and it hasn't worked. I will also try therapy that focuses on me releasing this trauma so I can be the best mother I can be to my children. I had to go no contact with my mom for healing, but I'm praying we will have a peaceful reconciliation one day. God is good and He can bring healing to any situation. Stay blessed everyone!
Why does it seem like everybody knows how to find a good therapist except me? I cut my mom and step dad off and tried a therapist that told me to stop focusing on the outside things that happened... im like how sway? Trying to escape my trauma and ruminating on the anger I have since I'm 32 and the cut off was just at 30. Had me side eyeing my black female therapist like is SHE trying to gaslight me and undermine my trauma? 👀💆🏾♀️
@@kmc1994 THIS! Exactly where I am now. Focusing on my greater conscious connection and alignment spiritually. I fasted for a while and decided I need to take healing more seriously because I am my own healer through connecting and aligning. I’ve been doing much better even since this comment. Spirituality is for everyone who doesn’t stand in their own way or allow other “leaders” or “counselors” “popes” and “priest” etc to do so. I kept looking outside of my self because that’s what mainstream makes seem like the solution. But my meditation which is becoming a stronger practice and just all that comes with enlightenment is the best yet. I thought the therapist would validate me and have experience with my type of case, but wishful thinking and not truly committing to doing my own work was holding me back. Thanks for sharing 🙏🏾. More people need to know this
@@canvasanderth the last lady made the 4th. I tried 3 in college and the 1 I quit last month. They were just aloof to the real pain of trauma beyond typical superficial student issues… most aren’t familiar with BLACK pain. The last lady seemed to want to brush over things and go straight to her techniques… things I already practice like journaling and creative art,,, that doesn’t bring the validation that others who overstand can provide. But I’m connecting better with others who seem to understand and offer more organic approaches to healing outside of the doctors who want to prescribe or stay “safe”.
So grateful I stuck around long enough to see that she can mother when she wants to- her sons. She chooses not to be there for me AND add to the trauma wherever she can. Im the 2nd oldest to an older sister and she doesnt get treated like I do so it is not just a gender thing. I am the one who resembles her the most. I was targeted. Going on with my life and can finally let the guilt go. Realized this year that I have been being gaslighted my entire life- I can finally stop trying to prove "it's not me-im not the problem!" Im out! Struggle with friends, trust anxiety and fear of being betrayed. I pretty much accept that I am a loner at 30. No desire for a family either. Will make my life enjoyable for me!
My love, this has really helped me on my healing journey. I went through life believing my mother when she'd say she didn't like me. So, I hung around people that didn't like me, dated guys that didn't like me because I thought that not only did I deserve ill treatment, but that I invoked it by just existing. I still kind of struggle with that belief til this day. I have had people witness her abuse and excuse it away or simply remain silent as to "mind their business". Then of course she never remembers anything so I have struggled to validate my experience until now. I feel like I was far behind my peers developmentally and socially because of it all and I'm just now catching up in my 30's. Thankfully I did eventually wake up because I feel for those that are still stuck or will remain so forever, it's not an easy journey, so I get it.
I felt like I started breathing for the first time the moment I stopped talking to my birth mom... and people think that I did something wrong. I didn't. I know I didn't and I'm proud that I did not hold onto shame I was burdened with for my own decision to protect my sanity. It's still crazy to me the way people try to shame others for walking away from toxic family members- especially parents and acutely mothers. She can be sexually, physically, mentally, and emotionally abusive, addicted to substances, in and out of your life, preferred other people/siblings over you and/or pitted you against siblings, made you feel like less because of your body (able or not), made you feel like less if you had a child young, etc. It doesn't matter. "Honor thy mother". Its crap. I also think we only talk about toxic mothers in any capacity when they abuse and neglect boys. Girls and women are expected to accept the abuse because our pain and humanity aren't considered at any point in your lives.
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Video referenced: Is This What You Thought? Mid/Late 30s BW www.patreon.com/posts/patreon-live-now-36636233
Selkie.
ARGH i have seen that dress & almost bought it WHERE did you get it please!? it looks SO good on you🤗 & i usually shy away from patterns but we are similar tones so i think that type of muted yellow pea green mixture would work.
i have written a response to your commentary & as usual profound words with NO negativity or expletives don't take. let's see if this comment sticks & ill try to apply my commentary. HERE IS PART 1: Also in regards to your commentary for OUR community i think we have had an overdose of the "familiarity breeds contempt" syndrome, at least that is what i call it. For instance, living in cramped neighborhoods called "projects", which weren't any better than historical $lave quarters, which meant NO room to sprawl out breath & find our OWN identity separate from this toxic oppressive societ🙄y. NOTICE how when they show NON b families in movies tv shows advertisements they were ALWAYS in a house, with SPRAWLING lawns & access to grass & foliage while WE had to navigate concrete landscape.
@@jouelzy THANK YOU!!
@@jouelzy here is PART 2: add to that cramped housing with reduced # of 👨🏼🦰 due to serving overseas, surprise 'visits" to our homes to start trouble, plus the stonewall of opportunities for us as woemen that bypassed traditional avenues of economic advancement. Meaning REMOVED from expectation, nosiness & even MOST problematic/critical ASSUMPTIONS of these dwights🙄. This FURTHER increased the ".... in a barrel" type of mentality that we are routinely criticized for. Add than the proliferation of that eroded things further. always feeling hyper vigilant about having to be a "credit to your R" while at the same time networking with the dominant society & trying to ascribe to their transactional type situations.
The commandment "Honour thy mother and thy father" has been used to enforce unquestioned toxicity in our communities.
It’s wildly ironic how parents who misuse this scripture ALWAYS seem to completely overlook Ephesians 6:4. 🙃😏
@@GoogleAccount00 ha! Very true.
Honor is to acknowledge their debts and sacrifices, not to continue a relationship with them🤷🏾♀️. That’s what I always say to people who like to bust that out.
@@GoogleAccount00 I was just about to say this! “Parents do not provoke your children to anger”. This scripture is RARELY (never) quoted.
@@Liz-bee 👏🏾👏🏾
I am so sick of being gaslit and labeled a "disrespectful" or "ungrateful" child, by the black community for simply attempting to hold my mother accountable for the emotionally debilitating, abusive, chronic trauma that she inflicts on me to this day. Friends, neighbors, family members, and even lovers who have witnessed my abuse, justify the toxic behavior and simultaneously shame me for speaking on it and/or refusing to engage with my mother. This "no snitching" victim blaming culture adds another triggering layer of toxicity to the black mother-daughter relationship.
Thank you for saying this. I could never express my relationship with my mother in words and you said everything that was in my heart for a long time.
Yeah fuck all of them.
I experienced the very same thing. I felt so alone. Took years to unpack the trauma. I removed myself from the toxicity and never looked back.
I agree! My mother was verbally and physically abusive. Obviously she can’t do some those things now but that doesn’t stop her from being verbally abusive to the point that she’ll harass me by text and phone if you she can’t get to me. I’ve had to block her completely.
@@VinaTaurus88 unfortunately this is true of almost every type of trauma. Literally a week after domestic violence I was told not to keep harping on it. My head was bounced off the floor like a basketball and tooth busted out, and apparently you only get a week to heal from that lol. Find the people who care enough to listen, let the others go. People who cant be bothered to care are not for you.
Here’s to unpacking trauma/looking inward and healing before we become mothers ourselves. So excited to tune into this one!
Then we will never be parents
@@victorybeginsinthegarden not true
@@victorybeginsinthegarden we’ll never be perfect. Even those with little to no childhood trauma won’t be perfect parents. But the first step, that many of our parents didn’t do, is giving yourself the grace to acknowledge where your parents went wrong or lacked. From there we can BEGIN to learn and discuss what we can do differently. Not to be perfect. But to be better.
We’ll never be completely healed but even just thinking about (such as watching this video), reflecting, and possibly changing our parenting approach is a step in the right direction. You’re never 100% ready for all that comes with being a parent but you can invest in yourself a little beforehand :)
@@Naarah true
@@Naarah I do wish people would be more intentional with there parenting
Even if your mom isn’t “toxic”, many are emotionally immature and engage in unhealthy dynamics with their children due to their own upbringing. I highly recommend the book, “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, Or Self-Involved Parents”. It has helped so much in my own healing and understanding I can’t wait for my mom to be the person I want her to be and I need to focus on my own healing, boundaries and lowering my expectations for my own happiness.
who wrote it please?
great book, helped give me more clarity.
I bought this book and have recommended it to folks. Its soo helpful and helped me understand eventually forgive my parents.
@@thewritergrl the title is right there
@@thewritergrl Lindsay C Gibson, PsyD
39:30 I'll never forget sitting on an airplane, waiting for everyone to depart and as the people are waiting in the aisle, I saw a mother and daughter and the mother was just rubbing her daughter's hair, she was kissing the back of her head and I remember thinking, "I have no clue what that feels like." My mother was an emotionally unavailable covert narcissist. I had it rough growing up, because she was an angel to the world looking in and I was the rebellious child. I finally severed our r'ship after I had children, because I noticed the same imprint she left me, she was slowly doing it to them and I couldn't allow it. It was one of the best decisions I've made. I'm estranged from both of my baby boomer parents. *sigh* Yeah, I used to get that "You only have one mother and father" talk from family, and finally I said, "They only get one me."
Wow.. “they only get one me” 💛💛💛
Yes sis! So proud of you, I love seejng and hearing about black women breaking those cycles. Our babies deserve the best environment to grow physically, spiritually, and mentally. Don’t let anyone scorn you or claim you did the wrong thing.
That was my mother - An angel to the world but the supreme hell raiser in private. People who have mothers like the one you talked about @Erica Dinero TV - the one rubbing & kissing her daughter's head...yeah, I have no clue what that feels like either. People don't understand that all mothers are not the same. Everyone didn't get the woman that was sweetness & light to her children. Some of us got the mother who resented that she HAD to get married & raise a family; the one that resented the birth of all 3 of her children (all girls BTW) because we prevented her from doing & being what she wanted in life. Thank GOD for my Dad. There is something to what Joulzey said about a mother seeing herself in her daughters but resenting the way the world changed to allow the daughters to have the choices the mother didn't have. Facts 💯🔥
My mom would rub your hair, hug you & tell you"I loves you despite "everything""
I went to the dr with BP of 225/120 after loosing 20lbs and cutting out salt. My favorite cousin that was the step daughter (in every sense of the word) to my mothers sister, reminded me that I used to throw up often when my mom got home. But I was the cutest and most dolled over kid growing up. I recently realized that my mother has never not once asked me if I was ‘OK’ without assuming that a melancholy mood was not some how centered around her.
Love how this unpacks everything in but also around this topic
Fancy seeing you here. Love your channel so much 💜
My mom wasn’t the best mom and in some instances was toxic…but at least she took ownership of her behavior and is much better now. My mom had a rough upbringing and I learned much more about her trauma during the lockdown. She also acknowledged that she compared the dysfunction she grew up to what she did while I was growing up, since she didn’t do what was done to her, she felt it wasn’t as bad. But as she got older and more informed, she realized that she had many fails as a mom but also many successes. I’m just glad she took ownership of the toxic behavior and worked on it because I would have cut her off…and I had already did that with my father because he refused to take ownership and change.
This is my mom. She didn't repeat the same bs her mother did but the effects of her abuse trickled out on to me.
Omg what made her realize this? How did you even initiate this conversation without being attacked?
same with me and my momma. i did though for 4 years. so glad we’re doing better now 💕
@@SoakUpTheSonny I'm also curious about this. I put in so much labor to change and make sure my upbringing doesnt negatively impact my life, I wish my mother would go one the same journey so my healing doesnt come off as an affront to her. It would be great to actually like my mother and see her be her best self despite how her own mother traumatized her
Good for you!! I’m happy
And in the black community even in the black Caribbean, you better NOT hold your mother to account for her displays of toxicity and verbal abuse, or even complain about it. In these communities that’s ‘disrespect’.
My experience now. The Caribbean community is a mess within itself.
The Nigerian community is the exact same.
As a Dominican, I agree 100% with that statement.
@@deliteful1991 Oh my gosh Yess!! No one else I know thinks so! I’m not alone!
And the Latino community...
Amazing video! You are one of my top book plugs. Super excited to look for these reads on audible.
“You resent your child for living in a body that is similar to your own, but having more options for autonomy because society has evolved.” Please marinate on @32:44 that was deep.
To think a mother is looking at you and you’re choices and it starts from observing your body and frame (for dating/courtship/etc…) and she remembers when she had a similar shape or that Prime age and you as a woman chose different. So a little competitive traits and envy.
You may not have rushed to have kids young like she did. You might of went straight to school/college and actually focused on your career. What’s not being said is sometimes your mom CAN BE JEALOUS of your right to pivot your life because times have changed. If you didn’t go in her same life path that could really consciously or subconsciously make her envious.
So many of us didn’t just rush our lives because this what you did at a certain age. Some of our mothers truly thought motherhood started early. Some of our mothers depending on their era motherhood signified adulthood so maybe she did marry early or did become a single mom early. She didn’t get a chance to explore her true womanhood like many of us are doing now. So many of us are more free and delaying our own motherhood for simple self-discovery and self-care. So that quote was powerful. Some mothers are toxic because of the current options that are available and even normal now versus when she was a certain age. Society could of just told your mom she needed to be a mom to matter - today that’s not the case. This is a deep subject that needs healing and healing on so many levels! It’s still very interesting how black mothers are “RAISING” their daughters and “LOVING” their sons.
☝🏽💯
Thank you for this comment, all of it.
Thank you 💕 well said!
Spot on, very well said
Absolutely. Well said 👌🏽
I’m glad we are finally discussing toxic mothers. My own mother was very toxic and abusive verbally and physically. I remember one time she even threw an iron at me while calling me out my name and punched me in the face and stomach. I did talk to her about how she was very abusive to me growing up and she got offended claiming I was calling her “ a bad mother “ and at least she put a roof over my head. She also blamed her having a hard life and brought up how she was abused by men. What happened to her was terrible but that doesn’t mean she can take it out on my brothers and I. I also was molested by my stepfather and I will never forget when she told me I couldn’t wear shorts around the men in the house then he touched me. What’s worst is that some of my family knew she was abusing my brothers and I but did nothing about it. I felt she did not protect me and she was my first bully. I’m in therapy dealing with the abuse I faced from my mother as well as the sexual trauma I experienced.
Proud of you for doing the work when your mom wasn’t strong enough to do it. Your bloodline has been waiting for you to blaze a different path then what was set for them to initially follow. I’m praying for you. It’s so hard to understand the mother wound if you don’t have one
"My first bully"...that one hit! I always said my mom was my number 1 hater. Everything I did she cut me down.
I'm glad you made it through!
You're amazing
I hope you heal and I’m glad your in therapy. I hope you & your brothers distance yourselves from her. She is toxic and dismissive of your experiences and feelings. You deserve happiness and in this case it’s okay to be selfless.
You owe your mother NOTHING. Not even a conversation after all of what happened to you. If you never want to speak to her again youre absolutely in the right.
"No matter how much progression we make as a community, we live in a society that will always quickly realign itself to disenfranchise black folks"
The quote that should be heard round the world!!
That stayed with me, and really opened my eyes to what’s really going on around us.
Can we talk about the mothers who made the choices that served them all of your childhood including toxic relationships but now you must be responsible for their care because of their failing health!!.... Its the most toxic suffocating feeling when you haven't had the space to unpack the trauma caused by their abandonment of parenting yet you have to parent them to the detriment of your mental health. Its abusive and toxic AF! And of course you shouldn't complain because "you only get one mother" 😪
I feel “so much empathy” for you. There is a societal expectation that adult children take care of their parents, no matter what. A question to ask and answer is “is your mother still abusive?” Please give yourself permission to “have her taken care of” (i.e., placement in a nursing facility) without “taking care of her yourself.” If she is still abusive, at some point, trying to take care of her will be neither “safe” or “healthy” for you or her. It’s not wrong to help someone who hurt us…”from a distance.”
This has to stop! With our generation.
I Aint taking care of SHITE! And can't NOBODY MAKE ME!!!🤣🤣
@@submissiveproviderstboth9485 😅😅 I feel you!! I'm done done in 2022! 👌🏾
F&*k that shit. I won’t be caring for my parents.
You're about to be 37?😳
Girl you don't even look 30, lol
Black women have to inhabit a different understanding or concept of motherhood . We are suppose to carry the entire weight of not only our own families and households but 2nd and 3rd generations.
I love this topic. My mother was extremely toxic, I won’t get into the details. For a long time I would brush it off like it was nothing even though it messed me up. Now I’m in therapy, have a psychiatrist and take medication. I was unhappy for years and could never figure out why even after I left my mothers home.
What my mother did was not okay, and there is no excuse for being like that. For all the ladies who grew up with toxic, emotionally abusive, abusive mothers I sympathize with y’all and I wish everyone major healing and peace.
Self love is power and thats all you can do heal and rest your body and mind.
Pain will always be around but self love is the most powerful 👑☀️✊🏿❤️
I really wish that the general public was exposed more to this type of content where things are broken down from the beginning because the community that understands or is gaining the understanding of these concepts and why things are as they are, is just too small for me in 2022. It can be a lot to unpack but I just appreciate content like this that answers the "whys" in this bubble of being Black and living in an anti-Black world. This particular topic and relationship is not really discussed so I'm glad I tuned in. And that part about punishment is our way to liberation, even within our households. Whew! lol . Great video! Thank you for this one.
Its the worse trying to have these conversations with black people who are not ready to recieve this truth. They still hold on to the facade of "change" and that we should move on because there is so much opportunity for us these days. 🤔🙄 There can't be true change without factual acknowledgement of the facts and the powers that be being held accountable for their crimes.
@@TADSPROPERTY121307 NO ACCOUNTABILITY NO TRUST, NO TRUST NO FREEDOM LOVE GOD OR ANYTHING😤. and that is where i am at in my journey of WHY this existence is NOT worth it🙄. if we are here to be the proverbial "scapegoats" and boogeyman than i want OUT! i did NOT ask to be here & seeing how much more this place is a TRAP makes me VERY angry at a "supposed g_d" that seems to have left us here. for NOTHING🤬!!
I remember graduating from college and my mother wanted to be in the center of the photos she couldn’t handle me being celebrated for graduating from college, I know she hated it. My aunt told her “why are you in the middle!? Move over it’s STEPHANIE’s day!” Any time I’m having a good time she tries to destroys it for me
My mom made zero effort to find me after the ceremony
I had to basically look for her and the two other family members who came. I asked her how come she didn’t find me. She said it was too crowded
I let it go
She made me feel as though I asked a silly question. I just wanted a picture to remember that moment
My mom came late and I don’t have a single picture. My sister was fighting spirits and my mom had to help her get dressed. This sister is also the one that just came back to save the day after being gone for 6 years cuz we didn’t like her boyfriend that loved to fight. They are gonna talk about her generational traumas now cuz when I was doing it, it wasn’t good enough 🤷🏽♀️
My mother would take a lot of space in the photo that there wasn't enough room for me. Just my face
I just graduated in May my mother did nothing celebratory for me. Then apologized which she had never done for not doing anything. She didn't want to take pictures with me or anything.
I would LOVE to hear your thoughts on toxic Black Mother SON relationships!
YES please. Some women treating their sons like mini husbands in ways that are so distubing.
Oh honey I can tell you my mom coddle my brothers he’s been having her car for almost a month if it was the other way around she’ll say girl I need my car!! She deflect when I tell her she let her son’s get away with everything we had to get it how we live!!
@@redbone8844 my mom gives my little brothers permission to stay up after 10p, as I remember that my sister and I had to go bed exactly at 9:30p. The only times we could stay up is when we're finishing a movie.
They view their sons as their boyfriends and husbands almost. Sick.
Yes!!@@MegaDiva1999
OMG Y'ALL FINNA LIGHT YA MOMMA'S ASSES UP IN THESE COMMENTS!!😝😝😂😂😭😭I'm here for it!! Too many of us have kept this shit inside and carried the weight of abuse/trauma and manipulation all the way into adulthood. It's about time folks started exposing the foolery 🤷🏿♀️🤷🏿♀️🙏🏿🙏🏿 One day, I'm going to tell my story too 💁🏿♀️🥴!!
@@kmc1994 I agree with you. I wrote that comment as a bit of light hearted humor which helps sometimes 😂. I have my own toxic situation with my own mother as well and even though I believe therapy will help me in a number of ways. I'm always realistic about its limitations. This type of dysfunction takes a lifetime to really heal from. But, yes everyone's situation and growth through experiences like these vary.
P.s. you linking capitalism into this important discussion also key 🔥
As someone currently coming to terms with the toxicity of my own mother 🥲 these videos help me feel like I’m not hallucinating my traumas because in both of my parents eyes, I’m always “taking it the wrong way” (and my favorite) taking mean things said to me “too personally” and trying to defend myself is (you guessed it!) disrespect. Fun times. Thanks so much for this! You look super dreamy, also. It’s a good look.
As a person who deeply hates when people tell me I'm "too sensitive" I wanted people to be able feel validated in acknowledging their harm, because I know ppl will find every which to dismiss it.
same i got told by my family that when my mother says mean/abusive things to me to just ignore it and not take any of her threats towards having a place to live or physically abusing me seriously bc she never actually does it anymore... it's this mindfuck because parents and family members met your mother before you and they have the mother's best interest.. i also think each person a child confides in defends the mother's ego and parenting because the people the mothers surrounded themselves with have he same beliefs as them creating an echo chamber that's been locked with the key thrown away
Black women (and women in general) are CRUSHING it. I’m so glad that women are talking about this kind of stuff
I'm a Black, queer man, 23, recent postgrad. But this video really resonated with me. I needed this video today. Because I'm just now coming to terms with the ways in which my single mother, whom I love and try to talk to every day, really harmed me growing up and continues to harm me and my brother. Talking about this and boundaries in therapy tomorrow. Hopefully I can get back into reading and read some of these recs you made. Thanks for this.
So interested in your perspective as a man growing up with a single mother. Whatever it is, therapy is...therapeutic lol. I am a 33 year old single mother and have started therapy last year mostly fir unhealed childhood trauma. It's amazing that in your early 20s you made that very mature decision to seek help. Sending lots of positive vibes your way!
I'm so sorry love
talking every day reduces the chances for to find self love and healing -space helps - good luck - its definitely not easy but possible. Bonne Chance
Toxic mother’s raise toxic sons and daughters who struggle with female friendships out the gate. Thanks for making this video. 🥰
🎯🎯🎯
Not true and very generalizing.
💯💯
for someone who had a nuclear family structure and was relatively financially secure its been very hard trying to talk about the harm or abuse I experienced within my family without being seen as ungrateful or disrespectful or crazy. Thank you for making this video. It has been so crippling to feel like you should be happy because you have everything that should make up a happy family yet not even feel safe within your own home because of the abuse and dysfunction.
🙏
I felt that. I was raised in a nuclear family as well, and people look at that as an automatic “good childhood”. There are single parent households way more healthy and peaceful than a lot of two parent households.
This! I grew up in a nuclear family as well and them ninjas should've divorced 40 years ago. There was domestic violence, verbal abuse, emotional abuse, financial abuse and just general instability. They're still together too😒
This! You’re not allowed to talk about your trauma, and your experience is invalidated because you had the superficial makings of a “good childhood” … and my parents are still together (40 years) but shouldn’t be honestly. However, they counsel other couples 🥴 and are disappointed that I divorced because I wouldn’t allow the same abuse & dysfunction they consider to be normal behavior.
Exactly, I grew up in an almost Huxatble facade outwardly but was subjected to a covert narcissistic shopaholic colorist mother and an emotionally unavailable father who both raised the daughters but coddle and loved the only son until this day and me and my siblings and are middle aged and the parents are 70ish. I’m a grey rock.
Having had a child on the cusps of my own high school graduation I know she didn’t get the best version of me and the same goes for my own mother. The difference is I sought therapy not only for myself, but to be a better person for my daughter. She’s 21 now and I acknowledge the ways I hurt her and apologize to her on a regular basis. I’m blessed to have a much closer and healthier relationship with her than my mom and I have.
Whew Chile! I’ll have to stop this a few times, but this conversation is needed. My mom and I have a really shaky relationship and since I’ve been back under her roof, it’s gotten rockier. We both have mental health challenges, but I’m more interested in healing myself, rather than placing blame or deflecting. That’s what she does and unfortunately I’m the outcast because I want to end the generational trauma
Autumn, you can "never" get well when you live with an abuser; for your own mental, spiritual, and even physical health, give yourself a "move out date" for this year, and ask God to open a door to leave.
This was really good. Another analogy is Polly Breedlove in The Bluest Eye. She took so much pride in keeping the white family house she worked for in order, loved how they doted over and loved on the young white daughter as her own, which begs to question how do you love on your own child? But neglected her own home and children though she delighted in being the breadwinner. And that pie scene. Oh man. My mom and talk about this often. We had a particularly acrimonious relationship when I began puberty through 16 and consider each other best friends now. But she didn't have the opportunity to just be a mama. She had to be ma and pa. The breadwinner, the disciplinarian, the nurturing one, the maid. She had no option to be bad cop or good cop. Only the cop. And essentially no one to help take the burdens off. Like you said in the video she didn't have kids with someone who she knew wasn't a good person and would leave her to rear the children alone. I think our relationship got better when she was no longer the manager of my life and became the consultant (word to an episode of oprah show). I wouldn't call her toxic at all. But at the time overworked, no support, and no mental support resources.
Right! In many cases that behavior is unintentional; deep-seated, learned, triggered, and provoked by her own trauma and exposure to toxicity.
I can relate to this
As someone who cut my mother off indefinitely, I came to this with an open mind knowing you didn't have the toxic mom experience, and I'm willing to do the reading as this angle is great for academic discussion and theory.....but in real life.....unh unh girl....these women really need to finally be held accountable for the harm they're causing and spreading like a virus😮💨
Did you make it to the 30:15 mark? Because nowhere did I suggest that toxic mothers should be absolved of their harmdoing. But also I don't believe that public accountability is a thing. There's no way for me to hold anyone's mothers accountable because I don't live within their community.
@@jouelzy understandable
I felt she spent way to much time explaining the toxicity and not enough time acknowledging the real harm it causes. It was a nice history lesson but did very little to hold bw accountable for their actions or provide the victims of these mothers any real advice on how to deal with these women.
@@dinkyboss Well, I think the disconnect yall are having is because Jouelzy is viewing this from a sociological lens, while you wanted a more psychological perspective. There really isn't much for Joulezy to say about the harm it causes to individuals and how to deal with toxic family members because she is not a psychologist. You are speaking about issues that can only be dealt with from inside the family system. The harm and how to manage people like that comes down to individualistic circumstances. Which is 100% within the realm of psychologists. And there are psych youtube breakdowns how this toxic behavior impacted you and ways to deal with toxic family members.
I’m heavy on building and maintaining a healthy relationship with my daughter. We are breaking the generational cycle of toxic mother-daughter relations. ❤️🙏🏽🙌🏽
Yesss! I'm so glad you decided to do this topic. Black womanhood is so complicated in the US. Thanks for bringing in the historical references. We often forget just how much TRAUMA Black women have experienced in this country, specifically around womanhood/motherhood. Our history impacts all of our interpersonal relationships.
Could have listened to this for HOURS, its that complex! This was the sociological/psychology therapy session that many of us needed because it is so deep-rooted. The levels of trauma that we have is like peeling back an onion. Household, community, society, national, global. The state of being a Black Woman, being raised by a Black Woman, and raising Black Women has many components. It leads us to question how to protect ourselves from this emotional harm. How to love people but still shield oneself from the generational hurt. This was a beautifully done video Jouelzy. Your best one yet!
It goes back to slavery. These mothers were Abused as well. Black people both men and women were not debriefed and healed after slavery they keep passing on the trauma, abuse, brainwashing to the next generation. Everyone needs to go to therapy.
accountability over forgiveness ALWAYS... the most frustrating part about this is that you're the one who's addressed to adjust but everyone else is fine with the toxic person continuing on as they are bc u are the one who is held to a higher standard... ppl who don't have daily relationships w/ this person bc they're dysfunctional will come at u about bridges and all that nonsense... ugh breaking generational curses is a lone road but u will always have your peace; the toxic person has had their entire lives to grow but more than likely won't bc they're satisfied w/ themselves and tolerated and enabled so don't let anyone tick a clock @ u... i'm 31 and ive been estranged from my mother for 8 years and tho it has been difficult at times (bc we're taught guilt) I don't regret it... THIS IS YOUR TIME AND YOUR BOUNDARIES GO BE HAPPY AND FREE
Instead of "IM YOUR MOTHER" you should be hearing:
"I care about your happiness"
"Can we catch up"
"You talk and I'll listen"
NO BAIT
My mom isnt the physically / verbally abusive type of toxic. She just doesnt respect me and i can't deal with that.
Quiet as kept some mothers abuse and mistreat their daughters because they hate being held fully accountable for their bad behavior these women want people around them that will agree with their every word and action they see accountability as a attack instead of an opportunity to become a better person.
I had a very hard childhood and I was doing too many adult things too soon. My mother was kind of rescued by her husband later in life. I grew up feeling that she took a life jacket and escaped but left me struggling for most of my childhood. I withdrew when I was a teenager but I recently apologized to her for not being there in her wedding. She acknowledged she wasn't the best mom and apologized. I don't think we'll ever be close but I appreciated the apology.
I didn't really notice how toxic black mothers can be until I started making friends in college . Mom, thank you for not being one of these !
People that say "That is your mom none-the-less. How dare you cut off your mother". Don't even have a different experience. They simply want others to tolerate the nonsense they're tolerating too
The "mother who resents her daughter's image". That was my mother. Before my mom died, my adult niece (the only offspring my mother really loved) had a conversation with my mother. Niecey said, "Grands don't like none of y'all" (I have 2 sisters). She loved but she resented us. My mother said that she never wanted children because she wanted to do things with her life and children held her back. She resented having to marry & have children. So, now I understand why she treated us as she did. I also believe my mother was traumatized when she was young. She was born in the 1930s in the Jim Crow South. She & my grandmother moved to the Chicago area in the 1940s. And don't forget about mental illness in our families. Our community won't talk about how that contributes to the dysfunctionality between mothers & daughters. Thank you for exploring this topic.
Precious left me completely scarred. I couldn't even finish it. I bet both actresses needed therapy after
Frfr I was never able to watch it in whole.
The movie is a Disney film compared to the book.
I watched it once. That was ALL I needed, haven’t seen it since. 🙅🏾♀️
@@channiballecter the sequel was worse!
@@themostbeautifulisraw4561 WHAT?!!! I didn't know there was a sequel 😫.
31:48 Oop. That's my father right there. Literally believes it is his right to bully and demean us because that's the "real" world and he is trying to "prepare" us. Not realizing that his words and actions do way more damage than any random person on the street could ever do to us specifically because he is our father. And any attempts to address this is met with threats of abandonment.
People will try to protect and defend an abusive based on a outdated word of law of parenting or from a book no matter what harm the child has been though from that parent.
Same books says to not bring your children to wrath....
I think that it is difficult to talk about toxic mothers if you do not have one. By no means do I think that this discussion was not useful or was wrong in any kind of way. It is difficult to get to the true emotions and effects of being raised by a toxic mother unless you've gone through it. It is something that is like nothing else. With saying that I feel like you did a great job. I also feel like we need to have some type of panel or forum for black women who were raised by toxic mothers that includes women raised by toxic mothers. Because there's a certain level that people who haven't been through it can't even imagine because it should have never been. That is not their fault and I hope that they never have to experience those things. Those of us who have been through it often need that core understanding from a firsthand standpoint to be able to really express what happened and how they genuinely have been affected by it.
I say this because this is coming from the standpoint of how slavery and the effects of racism in this country directed black motherhood. Which is a valid topic and is absolutely true. It is also totally different than just having a toxic mother who chooses never to look within, to grow or to pour into her daughter on any level. Example: having a grandmother who was not toxic but her daughter (the mother) being extremely toxic. With that individual yes the history of black people in America does play a role but not to the extent that there should be any understanding of the way that individual would abuse or mistreat their child. It was not passed down it was that individual. I hope that makes sense because I don't want you or anybody to think that I'm criticizing what this is I just think toxic mothers and what we're talking about in this video are two totally different things.
@@idahouston9143 Ase'my Sista ✊🏿 and may our panel begin here with us.. I came to seeking answers in this shared experience with our Black Mothers..as presently I have distanced myself temporarily from my Mother...this quagmire has been a perpetual reoccurrence through my whole life.. 58 yrs...Mama is 75. I Love her dearly, and always will..but here we are again back to the ol drawing board so to speak.. I was astounded to see this in common with my Sistas all over this EARTH...the wazungus parasitical agendas that be, a common denominator... Im her only child, which left me wide open to her many deflections, from munchousens by proxy, to guilty conscience on her part as a Mother..she had me as a teenager and was treated badly by her mother...I feel Granma felt bad afterwards and helped raise me...my mother was akin to an older sister along with my aunt, her older sister, also had a major part of my upbringing...but how am I to be held accountable for her trauma? Which by proxy traumatized me? This is just one of those layers in our shared experience with our Black Mothers, and etc...I don't wanna miss out on her golden years, but I have been mentally and emotionally at peace with our distance right now..
I am really glad to see this topic being discussed. However, I think this needs to be one part of a series of discussions about the "toxicity" of black women. We cannot discuss the "Toxic Black Mother" without discussing the "Toxic" Auntie, Sister, Cousin, and Girlfriend. The truth is that we live in a toxic narcissistic society and in the black commnuity, I believe, we are more emotionally co-dependent and subjected than any other community. Perhaps it's due to the trauma that we have experienced historically, and were never able to unpack as individuals until now. As slaves we were not considered human, much less allowed to express our emotions triggered by the intense pain we endured. After slavery, within our own community we were taught, "Keep your business to yourself", which in a sense is a good thing because often, when we confide in family and friends, it becomes the latest gossip in that circle. That gossip in itself is triggered by the deliverers' own need to deflect the pain and shame they feel of themselves due to their trauma--and sometimes becomes a continuous pattern of shaming and bullying in a crafty covertly narcissistic manner turned back toward the subject. You all know what I mean: Them "messy" folks in our community. To add to all this, when we struggled with mental health issues, as little as feeling depress or overwhelmed, it was considered shameful to see a therapist. Noone wants to be the family member everyone says is not "wrapped too tight" or just called outright "crazy." When a black women dares to shed a tear, she is considered weak, and when she turns to lay her head there is the empty space of what one would expect to be the shoulder of an emotinally present and supportive black man/father--or even present at all! With all this , and so much more to endure, the weight is MOST OFTEN dumped on the BLACK MOTHER (WOMAN)! Careful how you internalize and externalize this sisters. As traumatized adult women now, what role do you play in this? That is where the healing begins. THAT WORK IS THE HARDEST, but it has to be done. Lets do the work to break the cycle and heal lovingly, both individually, and as a whole.
👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾
Jouelzy!!!!! 😩 You look SOOOOO beautiful. Glowing. Phenomenal.
Thank you so much 😀
This is my life. I have a mother that’s very toxic so much so she creates stress in my life that manifest into my immune system attacking itself. I’ve made it a point to not communicate with her, I can’t. It does me no good. I’m in a good place, finally. I still can’t help but feel alone at times because I don’t have my mother the way I’d like to have her in my life. It’s really hard at every age, I’m 35 and still I wish I had my mom in my life in a healthy way.
I'm so sorry
Stay away.
You have to learn how to mother yourself. That’s what I’m doing. Protecting myself in a way my mother never did.
@@clairedaniels1877 that’s such great advice. How did you get to that place?
@@chrys8478 I got this advice from lectures I bought from Kendall St. Charles. She was once on UA-cam but she’s not anymore. She said most black women’s mothers will never be the type of mothers we need them to be, so we have to learn how to mother ourselves and heal our mother wounds in the process.
This was perfect, *Jouelzy*!
Another element, or type of mother, is the role mental health plays. I love that you took a step back to address the historical context. My mother was schizophrenic but we didn't know it at the time because no one ever took her to be evaluated. Because American Black people did not trust the Healthcare system (every one here knows what I'm saying). She was largely functional so there was no "room in the attic/basement/back of the house" to hide her in. So every just ignored it. But she didn't ignore me and my sister. She unleashed her fury on us regularly! From something like "you look ugly with that gap in your mouth" to "I know you and your friends are watching me through these TVs". Toxic, for me, really is an understatement.
All my life my mom has always been either super clingy and overly nice or just plain mean and cruel and letting my step father treat me badly. I hate to say it but if I ever had kids I would not let her watch them.
I’ve never had a good relationship with my mother, GOD forgive me I’m ok with not having a relationship with her. She is toxic beyond comprehension. She hates the bond I have with my father anytime I’m bonding with my dad she looks disturbed and she would tell me “he met me first!” “That’s MY husband” I just hate how my dad doesn’t protect me from her wrath but I too understand he doesn’t want to ruffle her feathers but still I am your daughter protect me from how mentally and emotionally abusive my mother is with me. She has done and has said the most ruthless shit to me. I could never be this way with my children
Don’t be different and be great and if not heal your self because self love is power. ✊🏿👑☀️❤️
@@sadbuttruereality234 thank you ❤️
@@HonduranTendaroni no problem peace and blessings to you queen.
Question: does “breaking generational curses” only mean healing ourselves for the benefit of future generations - or does it also mean we need to reach back and try to encourage healing in our elders too? Like can we ethically walk away from the elders as a lost cause and leave them to figure it out (which is super unlikely, right? Since they don’t know what they don’t know)…?
I struggle with this… partially because i have a thing where I feel an obligation to save everybody from everything in general… but also because as an empath, it’s hard to watch. However, every time I try to help my mother see, I end up hurt. Just don’t know how/when to stop trying forreal.
That's a good question. It's a natural instinct in most people to try and interrupt whatever is not going well. I'd say breaking generational curses is like being a circuit breaker, when the current reaches you, you interrupt what's not going well. There's not anything you can do about the current's journey before it reached that point. Some elders will be receptive, others not. It's a focus on yourself and the future.
It is healing for ourselves because even if you try to heal the elders they will never change; because they are stuck in their ways.
You can try and get them to grow however as you’ve experienced yourself, it’s insanely difficult to get through to them. Unfortunately breaking generational curses often means breaking away from toxic family members who aren’t trying to change as they will be detrimental to the goal. It’s difficult. But you can only help people who want to be helped.
This is a good question. I would say “breaking generational curses” should surround us healing ourselves. Looking back, I’ve tried to encourage healing in others (my parents, elders etc) and it leaves me disappointed and more frustrated. I do think it is better for me to JUST WORRY ABOUT ME at this point😊
You can’t save anyone who doesn’t WANT to be saved. It took me a long time to finally understand that they don’t want to be saved. That was their choice. I’m focused on healing and saving those who want to be saved. That’s all we can do, the rest is up to the Most High.
Growing up I thought my mothers abusive behavior was “normal” since I never interacted with other people to understand a truly healthy relationship. After I turned 11, my mom would always pull me by the hair, scream at me, punch me and slam my face in the ground but no one in the family would do anything to help me because “mothers are so untouchable and do so much.” And all other bs, but so many times this woman has endangered not only me but my younger siblings I NEEDED to protect.
My baby brother became my world, and I felt so attached to protect him that I never realized I still babied him at the age of 7 now. (Which I’m trying to not do anymore)
My grandmother was the person I’d look for safety but she co-signed with my mom and encouraged her behavior as well. I rlly had no one to turn too growing up and developed a lot of trust issues/psychotic and depressive disorders I had to face as well but I made it and am now in college specializing in graphic design.
This behavior in the community is so ingrained it actually makes me sick, and I won’t be having any children of my own. Instead I’ll help the ones that are here and lessen the problems
Dam ma I know exactly everything you mean and feel your pain This race/community is extremely cold to mothers abuse and love father bashing like crazy so one sided and projecting smh that’s why I keep to myself I personally can’t with our own smh !.
My mom used to accused of being sexually active asking me every 3 months if I’m a virgin. I never used to go to parties and sleepovers cause she was scared I’d get pregnant. I had no childhood. I was stuck raising my lil sis while she was acting like a kid. Always tearing me down, when I got older I was called disrespectful for trying to mend our relationship and I’m only an “adult” to her when it’s time to pay rent. We’d make the same salary but she’d always drain me of money
Mine always put men before me, my brothers, all her dusty boyfriends. I’m so over her, it’s crazy how she can treat me any kind of way and I still wake up the next day and be nice to her , I can’t even hate her even though how much I wanted to
I was just nodding and enthralled. I am familiar with that text by Carby so I smiled so hard when it came up!!
A lifechanging read, honestly truly!
A really complex example of how toxic relationships between mothers and daughters manifest and how society nurtures them can be found in a book called Here Comes The Sun by Nicole Dennis-Benn. It’s set in Jamaica and touches on the colourism, misogynoir, classism and anti-queerness that’s embedded in Caribbean culture. It’s really great read!!
Delores was toxic af. But we see it started with her mother who placed the son above the daughter. Therefore playing into those patriarchal ideas that Joulzey of the man being the 'saviour' of the family.
This!!
Latocha Terrelonge absolutely!!! There’s a generational aspect to the toxic relationships that go on between mothers and daughters and men (fathers, brothers, creepy uncles and the like) absolutely play a role in this they don’t exist in a vacuum. And in fact a lot of the strain between Delores, her mother, Margot and Thandi are related to men in some way. About to start reading Patsy and I can’t wait!
“We live in a society that will always quickly realign itself to disenfranchise Black folks.” - Joulzey
Yes!
I am currently feeling guilty about not speaking with my mother for the past month. I laid out how her actions have affected me. I was met with I don’t remember, that didn’t happen no personal accountability. I said to her if you could own something and say I’m sorry I hurt you . I could at least except that. She said ok I’m sorry I hurt you what do you want from me. It’s always been this way so I don’t know why my heart is broken. But it is all I wanted was to have healthy communication and start a new with healthy practices. However it can’t be one sided. I mentioned you don’t support me which she responded with you always did what you wanted how am I going to support you. This is an college educated woman and you don’t understand what support means. I addressed how she favored my brother and did not even try to hide or deny it. It’s like she got a kick out of hurting me but then would be annoyed by my pain because she didn’t want to deal with my emotions. All I wanted was to be loved so now I’m learning how to love myself.
I love the way you explain pressing issues within the black community and how informed you are. Thank you for sharing, these conversations are much needed :)
Hey thanks for this video! I'm Cameroonian American (African) and I feel like the toxic mothers from my community have a "I suffered, made poor financial decisions, I tolerated an abusive relationship, I'm not that educated enough, just pray God will provide for us, I'm secretly stressed and suffering mentally but God is in control...blah blah blah which indirectly says "I don't have to change, you have to pay the price of my poor choices, I don't care about you're mental health or financial goals because you're expected to care for me or you're family b/c who else will" & don't you dare protest b/c then you're labeled as acting American/ being a bad daughter/ ungrateful... and the community in silent about this.... not everyone but most ppl are
My African mother didn’t take my mental health seriously until I was 22 years old and in a really bad place that she witnessed with her own eyes. There is a lot of gaslighting in those dynamics. If I had a slight negative feeling towards her I was a “bad Christian”.
@@missmuyoyo I know what you mean. Hopefully things are better now 🙏🏼
@@inmeditatewetrust thx. Things are much better now that I’m away from her and her annoying husband. I am 1000% sure if I still lived at home to this day I would have ended up in a mental institution. I was in the midst of a worsening mental breakdown when I finally found a way out. The things that woman has put me through is demonic which is ironic since she’s such a Godly woman. I hope you are in a better place because toxic African mothers will suck the life out of you as long as you allow them too. They need to be held accountable and learn how to take responsibility for their own terrible choices. My mom likes to complain about how hard it was to raise my sisters and I when she had no reason to struggle whatsoever. She chose to struggle because of her pride and her God. I have no sympathy for her.
This is exactly the same dynamic I'm in with my mother. Me drowning mentally and financially is seen as a sacrifice for the family. Moved 8 hrs away and limited contact to brief calls one a week. Still annoying.
The family that they hold up from "back in the day" as the model we are to go back to....yeah, the men may have been in the home but they many had no self-control, mad cuz they ain't got no money/job whatever, but they are the direct reason as to having 15 or more mouths to feed AND another family cross town and they were struggling to take care of themselves before child #1?? Who was the ones taking care of the "family"?? Other females, no matter the age in the family. How is this insanity put on a pedestal? That statement it takes a villiage to raise a child is cop out and passed on the responsibility of the children that these men contributed to them being here, onto every female in the familal unit.
We have no Elders, just a bunch of folks who made it to an advanced age as there is zero wisdom and respect to be paid for willfull non-admittance of mistakes and in perpetual continuance of doing the same things that have never worked. And worse...guilt-tripping, sabotage, shaming and manipulation of the younger generations grab the poison filled baton to continue on the "tradition".
Jouelzy you’re so f****** amazing. My relationship with my mother legitimately took away opportunities for my future, subjected me to perpetual abuse from her and others for years, and even later disowned me after I came out as trans. It took me almost 9 years to accept that I’m not her or her choices at all. I love that you’re talking about this and addressing trauma on all sides 😭😭💛
Wow. this was a great video. my mom is toxic. mainly emotionally abusive, neglectful and narcissistic- a teaspoon of Black Chyna's mother, but then switches her personality to match the atmosphere. my grandmother was narcissistic and super controlling- think a black Mommy dearest- . i always yearned for both of them to love me. even to the point of complying to their demands. when i did- i became my grandmothers "actual slave" and my every waking moment revolved around her and her life and problems. and my mother well- the more i complied -the more she will disrespect me as a humanbeing. To the point of bullying. i spoke up for myself the older i got- she would just buy me material things or cooked me something to smooth things over- as an unofficial apology .Then proceeds to be the same ass hole she been her whole life. My grandmother has died. i still love and respect her for her professional accomplishments in life but - but being a mother was Not one of those accomplishments. And my mother- well i love her- but idk how to deal with her. None of her children do.
The fact that I fit in better with the white family I'm marrying into than the zealously pro-black family that emotionally abused me constantly fucks with me. I'm far from the first black person who's ever been told that she's "acting white", but my relatives took it up to 11, with my mom being the biggest perpetrator. Long story short, she projected her racial trauma onto her daughters (and to a lesser extent, every black person in her orbit), and I was just never "black enough" for her. I understand that she was growing up right after the Civil Rights Movement, so it's a balancing act feeling empathy for what she's experienced while holding her accountable for the harm she's caused me.
🙌🏾🙌🏾this is a topic within the black community that NEEDS to be addressed! “Acting white” or “talking white” has followed me my whole life! It has caused me to not even wanna deal with black people cause I’ve been told my whole life that I’m not “really” black.
My family is from Jamaica. My mom was a single teenaged mom who was married and divorced with 3 kids before age 30. She's bought homes, graduated college...however she's been soo traumatized that she believes all of our family's problems stem from a curse. From obeah. Witchcraft.
If I try to start a dialogue abt the practical and obvious toxic behavior patterns in our family, I'm gaslit and my points are trivialized. Dismissed as not believing in tradition and what the "old people tell the kids". Want to note I've worked in mental health for almost 20 years now. It gets delusional and exhausting sometimes.
We need to have real conversations about how unprocessed trauma causes serious mental health issues. I dont know how long I can continue to communicate with her st the risk of damaging my own mental health.
Today is her birthday. Now I gotta go eat cake and pizza with these folks in a few hours. My palms are already sweaty lolol
Wow. Sorry to hear.
@@adayinthelight7575 thank you.
Damn once they go down that superstitious obeah hole; forget it!!! She soon go see the obeah man and put duppy dust round the house.
@kahluaqueen omg I can't tell you the thousands of dollars she's spent already. All that money should have been spent on a good therapist lol.
Mine get to do it cuz it’s part of the souls journey and it’s divine to the growth of the family🤷🏽♀️🥴
I saw this recommended at around 11 am South Africa ... didn't think I'd get into a fight with my mom and move out just a few hours later. The timing of things can be eerie sometimes but definitely never coincidental
❤️💕 I hope you’re safe and I hope you are doing well mentally and emotionally. Sending you my love and healing energy. ❤️
@@GoogleAccount00 THANK YOU❤
Jouelzy basically just said…we need a group therapy session as a people 😩
Just wanna say I love the look and headband!!
Jouelzy, great job with your delivery in this video. It’s such a touchy subject when it comes to our (black) moms and how we communicate. I’ve learned a lot more about my mothers childhood as I got older(30s). I wondered, for years why my mom was strict, verbally and physically abusive. I now know she grew up with trauma and never had good examples of how to effectively communicate or articulate her thoughts. It was learned by her environment.
I thank you for this … this is for me honestly. Even my own siblings don’t get the entirety of the toxic relationship with my mother cause it’s only with me and not my other sisters. So thank you I feel seen
“This idea that I am going to beat the insecurity out of you, so that nobody can tear you down- is not love.” .. Whew…
I was not raised my biological mother, but my aunt( my dad’s sister) My biological mother reached out, and revealed the circumstances that lead to me living with my aunt. It was a messy custody battle, and my mother exchanged information she learned of during the PI investigation.
I lived with a women who has probably been suffering with D.I.D. since she was 19 or 20. Her family did nothing. She was more than likely sexually assaulted in college( attended a PWI during the early 80s, so i’m sure not much was done) and based off of the relationship she has with her dad( my grandfather) I KNOW they swept alot of her mental instability under the rug.
She is obviously arrested in her development. I believe she was molested as a child, and that was swept away as well.
They say there are people who can only raise children up to a certain age. She is definitely one of them. When I started developing, she dropped the ball. I was emotionally neglected throughout the most crucial and confusing years of my life. No help with my period, or understanding my body….
During the original investigation mentioned above, my mom found out that my aunt was plotting to kidnap her young neighbor’s toddler. She would pay my aunt to watch her while she went to work… During this time my aunt reported the mother for child abandonment and neglect. Curated a whole story, and made this young women look like a dumba***. Luckily, her efforts were futile.
Then, years later, I came along. She basically did the same thing to my mom but was successful. My mom said my aunt fawned over me, and stared and stared… She loves kids, and I believe the abuse she faced left her infertile. At the same token, it left her mentally incapable of nurturing a child beyond the start of her abuse and sense of self was lost( probably 9 or 10)
All of this is to say, we have to do more to protect black little girls. We have to have these conversations. We have to have these spaces for US. My grandparents were not there for my aunt. They are completely aware of what happened to her, and did nothing when her mental state was obviously declining.
I have had to pick the pieces up, and do so much unnecessary work to understand something that could have been easily explained to me. It is not my job. It is not our job.
This was a great analysis, yet the part about Black American men not being **allowed** or are not **capable** of being financial providers for their families because of labor inequality, is where I think you could have done a deeper analysis.
Visibly minority American men and immigrants do not depend on the women: wives, mother's, daughters, aunt's, grandmothers to be the financial primary provides of their families of their communities. Collective cultural values, starting businesses, maintaining generational wealth and legacy via marriage, property, and business enables men of other communities to be financial providers for their families.
Indians, Muslims, Chinese, Japanese Jewish, Nigerians (and other African) Iranians, Turkish, and Russian men living in America are not depending on women and girls in their life to financially provide for them....hence why their communities who historically and today are affluent and part of an ownership class in the US. All the CEOs of some of the biggest tech companies: Google, Twitter, Microsoft are Indian Immigrant men!
Also not all Black American s are Christians some are Muslim and Jewish, which religiously and culturally puts the financial responsibility of providing for a family on men.
Black American men, are NOT the only ones who have and continue to be systematically face discrimination and bureaucratic barriers, but are **the only men** who blame women and society for not being able to practice their manhood like Caucasian men. Black American men need to do the work, and Black American should feel no guilt or lower their standards for marriage or dating a class of men who refuse to compete with other men for resources, building business, and creating safe communities.
Immigration in America is based on imperialism. If you back to immigrant men's home country you find the similar problems that you see in African American communities. Not every man from India is able to immigrant to USA. Using exceptionalism is harmful.
I do agree exceptionalism and even so called meritocracy is dangerous. However I lived in a many developing and middle class countries: Turkey, Kazakhstan, Thailand, China, Korea, Singapore, and Israel to name a few.
Poor and rich men in these countries still had the values that it was up to men to provide for their communities, value education as a means of children having a better life, and starting and running family businesses and scaling businesses to build wealth. Indians, like many Asians, have a collective approach when it comes to family (setting up their children for marriage), paying for their kids education, and in turn taking care of their elders. Indians that immigrant to the US, are the best and brightest in their home countries and come to the US to **win** professionally. No excuses, even if they are poor or from a middle class family. This is not imperialism, it's about men and families in these communities doing what it takes to win economically, financially, and professionally.
They are not depending on their women, blaming historically and systematic racism or hardships to "make it" or provide for their families.
If Black American men want respect, they need to build, compete, and provide like most men.
@@BlairinBelgrade this is what Cynthia G talks about, lots and lots of content creators including Nylah, the Pink Pill and others
Best comment
@@SunFlower-jr2qh I think I read somewhere Cynthia G was a divester? I just learned about them and I’m trying to discern who they are 😩
Is it gaslighting when you mother cites "post traumatic slave syndrome" as a justification for the abuses she inflicted? I wish I could sue for all of the therapy I've had to pay for 😅
I Really Needed This. People don't Realize the Dark Side of Having a Black Single Mother from the Point of View of a Child, it was a Scary Power Imbalance as a Large Black Boy with a Mental Illness Against Her and Her Enablers.
Also, Abusive Parents is a Huge Reason Why We Divest that No One Mentions.
I do
My mother course corrected. She’s a fully black Afro Latina and all her life she had to fight aggressive masculine female Latinas of no color who was always trying to put her in her place. My parents love language were books, so she reading about the history of Spain blanquimentos mejor la raza etc Her dual position of being both dark and beautiful she was treated like she didn’t deserve her beauty - and she was and is really, really beautiful. It also took my brother, her 1st born son ragging out from 12yrs beginning at 10. Many black mothers are scared of their sons and lock their bedroom doors. She almost had a full breakdown. She once said Bmale children are like pit bull, so loving & sweet at first but when they attack they don’t let up. So you need your daughters obedience and the strength of their little girl mule ing to satisfy the wants and demands of the males in the family & extended family sometimes. Once my older brother was out of the house at 18, she stopped s l u t shaming us and had conversations with my sister and I, we didn’t have to pay bills, she cried a lot and told us to do better than she did especially since we had more education. The biggest think is she took her foot off of our necks and without incident we went to Uni, got married and moved out. And with out my mother to rage against and blame for everything in site my brother eventually married and speaks to her twice daily. Black women across the diaspora and as a collective have their feet on their daughters neck and many (not all) don’t want to admit that it’s there or even move their feet. It’s a difference in mother’s who have a firm loving hand on their daughters collar. It’s a very big difference.
This!!
The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao painfully, beautifully explores these themes.
When you heal yourself you heal all that came before you and create a new mode of being for those that come after...
💗
Your mom was right. BM have been killing their mom at an alarming rate
Where was your father to keep your brother in line? You mentioned your parents earlier in the comment.
Also what was your brother blaming your mother for?
My dad is Afro Caribeño and he has 3 jobs plus running the family bodega with his brothers doing the books. My dad put his head protect your little sisters y mine your mada. He listened to our dad. He eventually apprenticed under my dad but make big money since high school working with the Italians, Sheks and then developers. He never lived at home again.
This video stirred up a whole ocean's worth of feelings. I've been in therapy for a couple of years (highly recommend it) and one of the first things I had to work through (and still am working through) is things my parents said and did and the things I carry with me now. This has gotten easier to work through once I gave up on the notion that I needed an apology. I think a lot of us go into these discussions hoping to affect change in our older (often stubborn) mothers. I'm in a different place with my expectations for my mom but that doesn't make all the bad things go away.
I'm so glad I'm not the only one dealing with a mother who won't accept the things she did in the past that was horribly wrong 😭
Whew this was emotionally triggeriiiiiing 🥲. I internalized soooooo much as a youth thank goodness for intensive therapy.
I went through mental health issues in my teens and My parents and grandparents said I was doing it for attention My Aunt and uncle and causins were the only ones who were supportive of me
There was such care taken in this video. I am absolutely hooked on this channel.
Not watched the video yet but this is a much needed conversation in the black community and in all sectors from Caribbean, Afro Latino and African just type toxic mother in yt search bar and the amount of black women who said they’ve had toxic mothers is astounding I’ve dealt with this issues for years and now I am just now beginning to unpack everything that happened I have developed depression anxiety symptoms of agrorphobia cPTSD looking for a therapist and some one who intimately knows this type of situation has been hard bought books but have not open
My mother NEVER showed me how to be a woman💔 She didn't even show me how to clean myself properly💔 I am light skin(not mixed) and she is dark skin and I have felt nothing but HATE FROM HER💔
I’m sorry you went through that my experience with my mother was traumatic as well.
Yeah I had to learn from UA-cam and my auntie, when my 13 year old sister went through puberty last year she taught her to shave DRY!! When she told me I was fuming and had to teach her myself
One time I tried bringing up the physical abuse I received growing up from my mom to her and she told me it was "discipline".
In addition to having a toxic/abusive mother, my father was incarcerated pretty much my whole life. My childhood was really hard, it still effects me. Im now 24 and just now unpacking alot of the trauma I experience.
Thanks so much for discussing this topic Jouelzy! I have an extremely toxic narcissist mother who caused so much harm in my life. I became a therapist unconsciously trying to fix and understand her behaviour. I let go and recognised I needed to heal myself and focus on my.own wellbeing. I'm on the path of healing my inner child and mothering myself. Love from London xxx
SHE LOOKS GORGEOUS
Wow. This second version pulled it all together. It filled in some blanks and kept the main idea centered. I think this video is one of your best videos about a heavy topic using history to support your thoughts. I truly hope it helps those who requested this topic be covered. You did that!👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾
Thank you. I’m really happy I redid the video. 💕💗
There was an interesting point at the end about how people deal with the grief of not having a healthy mother-child bond differently, especially in the context of queerphobia from family members. I definitely had a period of family rejection because of my sexuality, but I had another Black Mixed Race friend who had dealt with it long before me, and was trying to show me around the Black queer scene etc. They'd always ask why I hadn't moved out of the home yet, why I was not throwing myself into the Black queer scene and going out lots, meeting lots of women. They didn't understand it. I was trying to piece together a mother-daughter connection that, in the present day, I'm not sure existed as I thought it did, or at the very least had broken apart irreparably. While I appreciated my friend trying to get me to build a new community and connections, I was still mourning what I lost. But as a young Black lesbian who was new to all of it, I thank them for those outings, because I wouldn't have any memories of being out and in fun queer spaces to look back on.
Thank you for this. It's hard to wrap my mind around my mother having a much better relationship with her first kid than me, but, that weight isn't for me to carry.
Wow, sorry to hear this. But your situation is rare. It’s usually the oldest child who gets it the worst. But your case is different, she treats the older child better than the rest? Do you all have different fathers?
This video is a WHOLE CLASS! So thought provoking. Thank you...Truly...Thank you.
This was great!!! I love how you intergraded books both fiction and nonfiction into the talk. I always associated the idea of paddling in fraternities and sororities with slavery as a means to control and conform the individual into the imagine of the beater. (I am not greek so I really do not have a great frame of reference.) Anywho, I appreciated this topic and plan to add many of these books to my list. Good luck with your graduate studies.
I have deep "mommy issues" surrounding neglect, and emotional abuse by my mother that I have tried to break free from for over 25 years. Since I was 5, I always felt invisible to my mom and felt I was at mercy to her whims and wishes that often put me and my siblings at peril. Recently, I read the Bible, and it clicked in my spirit that forgiveness with boundaries is the only way. I will attempt to be "washed by the Word" because I've tried everything else and it hasn't worked.
I will also try therapy that focuses on me releasing this trauma so I can be the best mother I can be to my children.
I had to go no contact with my mom for healing, but I'm praying we will have a peaceful reconciliation one day.
God is good and He can bring healing to any situation.
Stay blessed everyone!
Why does it seem like everybody knows how to find a good therapist except me? I cut my mom and step dad off and tried a therapist that told me to stop focusing on the outside things that happened... im like how sway? Trying to escape my trauma and ruminating on the anger I have since I'm 32 and the cut off was just at 30. Had me side eyeing my black female therapist like is SHE trying to gaslight me and undermine my trauma? 👀💆🏾♀️
Greeting Simon! How many therapist have you tried?
@@kmc1994 THIS! Exactly where I am now. Focusing on my greater conscious connection and alignment spiritually. I fasted for a while and decided I need to take healing more seriously because I am my own healer through connecting and aligning. I’ve been doing much better even since this comment. Spirituality is for everyone who doesn’t stand in their own way or allow other “leaders” or “counselors” “popes” and “priest” etc to do so. I kept looking outside of my self because that’s what mainstream makes seem like the solution. But my meditation which is becoming a stronger practice and just all that comes with enlightenment is the best yet. I thought the therapist would validate me and have experience with my type of case, but wishful thinking and not truly committing to doing my own work was holding me back. Thanks for sharing 🙏🏾. More people need to know this
@@canvasanderth the last lady made the 4th. I tried 3 in college and the 1 I quit last month. They were just aloof to the real pain of trauma beyond typical superficial student issues… most aren’t familiar with BLACK pain. The last lady seemed to want to brush over things and go straight to her techniques… things I already practice like journaling and creative art,,, that doesn’t bring the validation that others who overstand can provide. But I’m connecting better with others who seem to understand and offer more organic approaches to healing outside of the doctors who want to prescribe or stay “safe”.
I love my mom and she’s done things for me… but I can admit she ain’t shit 🤷🏾♀️
So grateful I stuck around long enough to see that she can mother when she wants to- her sons. She chooses not to be there for me AND add to the trauma wherever she can. Im the 2nd oldest to an older sister and she doesnt get treated like I do so it is not just a gender thing. I am the one who resembles her the most. I was targeted. Going on with my life and can finally let the guilt go. Realized this year that I have been being gaslighted my entire life- I can finally stop trying to prove "it's not me-im not the problem!" Im out! Struggle with friends, trust anxiety and fear of being betrayed. I pretty much accept that I am a loner at 30. No desire for a family either. Will make my life enjoyable for me!
You handled this topic with so much care and tenderness. Thank you for this, Jouelzy.
Omg, I haven't even fully started the video but this look😍. You look so bomb Jouelzy!! Ima have copy this some time in the spring!!
My love, this has really helped me on my healing journey. I went through life believing my mother when she'd say she didn't like me. So, I hung around people that didn't like me, dated guys that didn't like me because I thought that not only did I deserve ill treatment, but that I invoked it by just existing. I still kind of struggle with that belief til this day. I have had people witness her abuse and excuse it away or simply remain silent as to "mind their business". Then of course she never remembers anything so I have struggled to validate my experience until now. I feel like I was far behind my peers developmentally and socially because of it all and I'm just now catching up in my 30's. Thankfully I did eventually wake up because I feel for those that are still stuck or will remain so forever, it's not an easy journey, so I get it.
I felt like I started breathing for the first time the moment I stopped talking to my birth mom... and people think that I did something wrong. I didn't. I know I didn't and I'm proud that I did not hold onto shame I was burdened with for my own decision to protect my sanity.
It's still crazy to me the way people try to shame others for walking away from toxic family members- especially parents and acutely mothers. She can be sexually, physically, mentally, and emotionally abusive, addicted to substances, in and out of your life, preferred other people/siblings over you and/or pitted you against siblings, made you feel like less because of your body (able or not), made you feel like less if you had a child young, etc. It doesn't matter. "Honor thy mother". Its crap.
I also think we only talk about toxic mothers in any capacity when they abuse and neglect boys. Girls and women are expected to accept the abuse because our pain and humanity aren't considered at any point in your lives.
I’ve been following you for almost 8 years and you keep my eyes open to different perspectives. ❤️ This was definitely a well needed conversation.