12 Things Passive-Aggressive People ALWAYS Do, But Don't Often Realize
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- Опубліковано 24 сер 2024
- Passive-aggressive behaviors are crazy-making. You're not happy within yourself if you are passive-aggressive. You get frustrated and infuriated when others are passive-aggressive, right?
Sometimes, you cannot quite put your finger on what the issue is. That's what today's podcast is all about: recognizing how passive-aggressive behaviors show up.
Do you recognize any of these behaviors? In your spouse.... or maybe, in yourself??
You could be pushing away the most important people in your life.
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Check out this video of 5 Passive Aggressive behaviors to recognize in others that are red flags for trouble! • 5 Ways to Recognize Pa...
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Understanding and recognizing what passive-aggressive behavior looks like could change everything...
These are the things that passive aggressive people always do, but they don't realize that they're doing it, often, and the results of doing it would mean that you might be left angry and alone and shaking your head. So I wanted to give you a few ideas and if this stimulates your thinking.
So how do you know if you're passive aggressive?
Well, maybe people think you're difficult to be around. Maybe they don't trust you, maybe they don't respect you in the way you wish they would. And it kind of leaves you shaking your head.
Well, the truth is that you may be exhibiting passive aggressive behaviors that just totally confused people. And when people are confused, they get turned off and they want to walk away from you.
So I wanted to help you make sense of these behavior traits because they can be confusing... and the people who are experiencing you as a passive aggressive person, or who you are experiencing as a passive aggressive person, leave. You're shaking your head, wondering if you're safe, not wanting to get close, feeling the person's a little too prickly for you, and if you're in relationship with that person, it's your mother, your partner, somebody at work who is always that way.
You're going to see the negative results of that. So I'm going to give you a straight forward list today. 12 things which indicate that passive aggressive behavior is part of the program for that person or for you.
* * Always remember, narcissists and other toxic people come in all genders and ages * *
and toxic relationships can be at home, at work, at play... from your parent, boss, spouse, sibling, friend, co-worker.
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I am Dr. Rhoberta Shaler, The Relationship Help Doctor.
I offer relationship advice for dealing with difficult issues and relentlessly difficult people.
I focus on helping my clients to stop tolerating abuse, and give them strategies for changing relationship dynamics.
Are you in relationship with a Hijackal®? Someone who consistently behaves in ways that undermine you, put you down, make you crazy? I can help you understand that behavior and how to keep yourself safe and sane.
I work with individuals, couples, families and workplaces, worldwide, through private, secure video conferencing.
Schedule an initial 1-hour consultation HERE for only $97.
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3:12. When you don’t speak your truth openly
4:49. When you appear sweet, compliant, agreeable
5:39. Afraid of being alone, ....dependent
6:33. Complain frequently you are being mistreated
7:28. Frequently procrastinate especially on things you do for others
8:41 unwilling to give a straight answer...
10:19. Sulk, withdraw,pout
11:49. Cover up feelings of inadequacy
12:45. Often late and forgetful
14:02 Drag your feet to frustrate other people
14:59. Make up stories and excuses and lies
15:45 Constantly protect yourself
In everything except the make up stories one
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@@airbeasty1549 same man in fact I hate lying and the people who lie to me
Sorry that I was born that way but I don’t know how to stop myself from doing everything on that list I already lost all my friends but 1 bc of it
Are these passive aggressive traits?
You are describing my husband of 45 years. No straight answers, no answers at all, not remembering, not telling me, not finishing jobs. It is a wonder I have any sanity left. I just have stopped talking to him. I cannot take it anymore. He is not willing to change or understand what is happening. Is not willing to talk to the therapist, just sits there and acts passive aggressive. I have given up all hope. I need to worry about myself now.
I'm so glad you've stopped. No matter when you can see you way clearly to do it, it's a step to saving your sanity, for sure.
I hope you'll join in on my Monday night live streams here on UA-cam at 6 PM Pacific. We have great conversations in the chat there, and you can add your voice, share, ask questions.
@@ForRelationshipHelp Thanks. I will look into it.
Sounds like a narcissist
many prayers for you
i wish you could tell him to PACK SAND !
Please note next time that neurodivergent people struggle greatly with being on time, following through, getting work turned in on time…. We are dying inside wanting to be the person that can do these things…to be reliable. We desperately want our loved ones and coworkers to think they can always depend on us. Our executive functioning skills are not like yours. This world wasn’t built for us. I’ve only heard a few UA-camrs mention this. Thanks for reading! Also Dr Phil is very passive aggressive and plain aggressive with many guests 🤷♀️
Yes, it is important to understand the differences between neurodivergent people and folks who are choosing passive-aggressive tactics. Absolutely true! I'll remember to talk about this is an upcoming video on P-A. Thanks for sharing your insights!
I think I have just found out why I have always been so unpopular, people do seem to keep me at arms length. I procrastinate a lot, usually because I don't really want to do it. I have listened to this presentation, and the more I heard the more behaviours I recognised in myself........interesting.
Good for you for having the insights, and the willingness, to recognize where a few things might be keeping you from the relationships you want.
When you don't want to do something, that's a great place to start making a change. Simply tell the truth, without excuses. You're allowed...unless, of course, you're at work. Then, you'll likely need a reason.
I wish you well.
how you doing now?
You're going to be a better person this year with your new insights, with some effort 👌. All the best
I have ADHd with avengence. I worry nonstop about failing people. I complete tasks late 80% of the time. My passive aggressive mother sure shames me for it. Just wanted to stick up for us people pleasing neurodivergents. We do care and we are a frustrating bunch:)
Also, I'm a passive aggressive in recovery. :)
Oh my God, this is my older sister to a T. Always making people wait on her. The silent treatment. The procrastination. The saying "yes" to things when she didn't mean it. Always the victim. Has to be in control yet unable to make a decision, so the only thing you're guaranteed of is tension and conflict, which she then uses to try and convince others that "everybody is mean to her and she's a victim". She's been an absolute nightmare.
Yes, dealing with chronically passive-aggressive people can be a nightmare!
How dare you !!!!!!
Passive aggressive ppl and narcs are the biggest losers on this planet.
They are very damaged people. Very damaged.
When they are able to get under your skin, that is when they win.
Narcissists have a different motive from passive aggressive ; a narcissist can display passive aggressive behavior but not every passive aggressive person is a narcissist.
You just described my husband only the one thing you didn't mention is some people with passive aggressive behavior sometimes only display their awful pathetic behavior to their significant other! He comes through for other people - work, people he is trying to impress, but not with me. He is so passive aggressive and has been such a hijackal for the past 23 years I feel like I'm going crazy! I can't take it anymore but I'm bound to him because I'm a stay at home mom with no career or income. I feel helpless, frustrated, exhausted and depressed from constantly being blamed for every little aspect of his life. He's only interested in talking to me on an adult level when he wants sex or if someone in his life has offended him - then our entire household shuts down so we can all rally around him and tell him how great he is and its not his fault but it's the jerk(s) out there who have a problem. He blames me if I speak up for myself if I feel he is being disrespectful to me, then he pits the kids against me and tells them 'mom is being a bit$#' or 'mom is acting crazy'. Its a never ending cycle, I walk on egg shells making sure I praise him daily so as not to offend him, but somedays it doesn't matter because I never know what might say that will set him off. I still have young kids at home so it makes the situation all the worse because like I mentioned he pits the kids against me and they take his side and they give me the silent treatment. They don't want to be a victim of his rath, so they join him so he won't attack them too. He was diagnosed as bi-polar by our marriage counselor 20 years ago and we separated for a year, but I was so stupid I took him back and been living on a roller coaster ever since, only now the depression is becoming a daily thing for me because I just don't know how much longer I can endure it. My life has very little joy and I just feel hollow, empty and very lonely. I've done several of your free checklists and printed out my results - they were all as I expected them - my relationship is in deep trouble and needs help. I'm going to start looking for a job and maybe I can manage to get out someday. What a sad story, but its mine.
Hi, Molly,
I'm so sorry that you are living in a class #Hijackal situation. It is SO difficult, and you've been dealing with it for such a long time.
You're right! #Hijackals are different in the community and in the workplace. There, they are more strategic.
You've figured out that, as long as everything revolves around his erratic sense of well-being, you can minimize the distress. That's very wearing. When do you ever count, right?
What country do you live in? That makes a difference regarding leaving the relationship, I know.
I hope you are listening to my podcast, Save Your Sanity: Help for Toxic Relationships, and learning how to empower yourself from within the relationship first. SaveYourSanityPodcast.com Then, when you're ready to leave, you'll feel much stronger.
In the meantime, there are resources for you here: www.forrelationshiphelp.com/product-category/online-classes/
Big hugs!
Rhoberta
I'm sorry I know how it is, I try to manage similarly to you, yes, I also have a long way to go
Thank you, Dr. Roberta. I was very passive aggressive in my marriage. I knew I was, but your checklist showed me just how passive aggressive I was. I'm now at a point where I am able to honestly look at my issues and stop talking about what he did. Because I can only change myself, right? :)
Great! Congratulations on your self-reflection. You're right. You can only change yourself. I wish you well.
rooting for you Christine S for your honesty and awareness, this is huge!!! wooot woot!!! rooting for your journey and progress🙌🙌🙌
Hi, the wife of my brother in law is very passive aggressive. She have a terrible childhood history and I know why she feels like that. But. She is ruining family gatherings, she is very envious, she gossips, spend her household money recklessly, disrespect her husband in front of us. Her husband and me try to make things go smoother but my husband is not accepting it. He never interfere in their relationship but he doesn’t appreciate her and it shows because he doesn’t « people please her » he let awkward situations stay awkward when she makes it awkward. She wants me to be her best friend but she betrayed me and disrespected my husband. But I feel trapped because I really want our family to be united. I don’t know how to adresse it. I am to a point where I am resentful. Now when she start the silent treatment I just give it to her to.
She also gaslight a lot and pretend. When she feels trapped she attacks viciously and throw tantrums.
Hi,
That's a difficult situation to be in. You want to bring about some harmony in the family. But, how to go about it?
Understanding a person's reasons for behaving in difficult ways is kind and empathetic. Important, though, to neither condone or enable the behaviors. Your husband seems to take the view that she shows who she is, and it's not up to him to smooth things over. I can understand that view.
I wonder about attempting to cover up, dismiss, or ignore the poor behavior is healthy. It seems to me that condoning the behavior, and "making nice," is enabling. However, this can also be a cultural thing.
In some cultures, family takes precedence over individuals. In others, particularly in Western cultures, individualism is encouraged. This means that in one culture the family is embarrassed by the behavior, whereas in the other, only the person is. Could that be operating in your family?
There are natural consequences for behavior: people don't like you, refuse to be with you, shy away from you. What is wise is to set clear boundaries, express them, and maintain them.
I doubt you would want to pretend to be the best friend of someone you don't respect, don't approve of, and may not even like, right? How could you when she has no regard for others, and acts out badly?
You are not responsible for her, her life, or her choices. I encourage you to express some boundaries. If her husband continues to enable her, that's his choice, of course. it doesn't have to be yours.
I hope that helps. Clearly, you mean well, and want to contribute to peace in the family.
Rhoberta
@@ForRelationshipHelp Thank you! Yes our husband comes from Algeria and I come from a family with similar expectations. Thanks for your generous response! 🤗
@@ForRelationshipHelp I placated her a lot to keep peace and I ignore a lot of bad behaviours to “be her friend”. I have issues with boundaries and conflits. I am aware and working on it. Thank you again😊
Last ex was a passive aggressive "nice guy", with major mommy issues. Let's just say watching a middle-aged man throw a tantrum in public is terrifying if you're a woman. Dump, block, delete permanently.
When people control me, I'll walk away from them.
You're right. People can only control you if you let them. Often, though, it's worthwhile to try some boundary-setting to see if they will respect that. If not, walking away may be the best solution.
Could be it’s just your perception and not a reality?
@@ForRelationshipHelp I wwa
Welp, only way is up...lol. I'm totally guilty of this. Fear of confrontation assuming the worse outcome. That's control on my part and I'm willing to communicate and grow.
It's crazy how all the points pointed out in this video coincide with my ex-boyfriend's behavior: he broke up with me, and yet he tells me that he wants to help me with my college homework, but at the same time, when I need something, he is curt, cold and drives me crazy and makes me angry. And when I tell him to cut it all and do the college work alone, he doesn't respond or gets angry. It's exhausting, it feels like he is punishing me.
Why do passive aggressive people do what they do ? Why did they learn this maladaptive behavior? Was it a coping mechanism ?
Passive-aggressive behaviors can come from being raised in an authoritarian--or neglectful--home where your thoughts, feelings, needs, wants, etc. were not shown any interest. You learn to tell the parents what they want to hear and then do what you want, hoping not to be caught. It makes you conflict-adverse in the moment, taking the chance on having to face the music later. That's one way.
The child is not allowed to express anger so they learn to express it in a round about way. The people they interact with get angry and they don't have to feel it. It's vicarious anger. One of the most difficult personality types to work with until they become patently honest with themselves about why they do what they do
@@ForRelationshipHelp I grew up completely opposite of this. My parents were never neglectful or abusive at all. They were the opposite overly nurturing and loving. I think this may have something to do with me being like this. ( my mom is also a lot like this) I think my parents were so amazing that I grew up always trying to do the right thing and please them. Not caring about what I wanted but what I thought they wanted. They are truly amazing parents but I think it’s my fault that I’m so passive.
Yes is yes and no is no and wait means wait and don't push means don't push, simple and clear. That is not passive aggressive but direct and bold.
Thanks for giving me ideas on how to be passive aggressive towards my narcissistic family and through TOTAL lack of empathy fueling my rage.
I don’t think being passive aggressive will help in your situation!
You have a choice to cut family members out of your life, esp if they’re toxic. No one is forcing you to maintain a relationship with them. I’ve cut off fm and I feel so much more peace in my life.
Thank you! Due to the combination of several things I asked somebody I knew for 20 years if it would be in our mutual best interest for them to move into my home I own rather than them staying in a place they rented. They would get the master bedroom with the ensuite and that would be fine. Couldn't get a straight answer from the end of May till I put a deadline on the calendar for June 16th. We had a deadline of move out date of August 31st. Didn't happen September 30th didn't happen October 31st didn't happen and they had still not given notice on their rental. The icing on the cake is when they look me straight in the eye and said well we never had a deadline. That was all I needed to hear. It totally confirmed my fears and suspicions that I've been being Stonewall. Long story short it ended a 20-year friendship. No going back once I see you're absolutely nuts I can't forget! Your content here absolutely validated my interpretations of what I've been experiencing. Thank you
Oh, that sounds infuriating and frustrating! I'm glad that you've been validated!
Omg I thought it was me... but it’s the boyfriend. Wondered why his ex split (he told me she cheated on him, but I was never told the reasoning behind why though). I completely can’t handle the passive aggressiveness... it’s too much. I learned that stay happy technique for when he starts his negativity, but I can’t keep playing that game. I try to tell him how I feel, like if I need to rant about something (god knows I listen to his rants!), he rolls his eyes and sighs really loud. If I ask him why he sighed, he says “ I’m just breathing! “. So I’m then told I’m trying to start arguments... I can’t talk to him, conversations always get twisted around, things get weird and don’t even make sense. I’m left feeling bad and told I look for fights. Nope. I’m pretty easy to get along with, my kids will attest to that. He told me he was previously diagnosed with passive. But went as far to leaving out the aggressive part... oh, it’s there. It sucks, too. I hate it. It’s killing me inside, I’m drained and feel hollow. I have no income. I need to save my sanity and figure a way out. After hearing these symptoms, I’m convinced it’s only going to get worse. Yeah, add a six pack or more every night to the equation... I do not like alcohol, it’s just not my thing...was told by him that I was the reason that he drinks. How nice. Yet he doesn’t want to lose me. Makes sense, right? He’s the poster child for passive aggressiveness. I want out!!!! My username may be goofy and all, but I’m totally serious here. The shit is real and I gotta do something quick. So, thank you to anyone reading this, I appreciate so much that you took time out of your day for me... I have no one to talk to... for 9 years, now. The good thing that came from this video, this woman’s words of gold, has set me free. I’m empowered with the knowledge of “Why” in countless instances and situations throughout my life with him. I now understand the reasons why our relationship hasn’t been working, why things happened to him in the past, etc. I appreciate this video so much. Wanting out of this toxic relationship I’m in, I thought I was being petty and it was me changing and wanting a better and happier life? And I felt really guilty about feeling that way. I feel pushed back a lot from him by his passive aggressive behavior. It affects intimacy big time! When things don’t work out in that department, I get a silent treatment and when I ask what’s wrong, I get “I don’t feel wanted!” Well, I don’t feel wanted when he waits two months to tell me that he’s been upset that I said something that offended him. I’ve told him countless times if I’ve said something wrong, I want to know right away, because I don’t want to say something that may have came out wrong, I don’t want to offend or hurt anyone and to tell me right away so we can talk about it at that time. I feel that it’s unfair toward me for him to wait so long when I’ve asked repeatedly for him to simply say hey, what did you mean by that. A simple miscommunication can sure lead to a big shit show later! Oh boy! Two months after the fact, I don’t remember exactly what I said word for word and then to get challenged on it after that much time had gone by. That’s romantic! These patterns...they keeps looping! The same crap over and over! I never knew why....I know now, why. Doc, you just set this bird free
I'm so glad that you have gained so much clarity! I hope you'll listen to other videos to see how far this reaches into their behavior, and of course, into how they continuously make you wrong and the problem. Twist! Twist! Twist! Right?
How are things now? I ask because every single word is my life right now and I don't know what to do...
Go quickly to employment office free job training till December-I went this week they are setting me up it is my only chance for betterment I am same exact situation as you. The insanity merry go round roller coaster needs to STOP and I pray to GOD that I can get this new job training down and I am grateful to Trump for the opportunity for freedom
KasSie LaYne I’m hanging in there... setting up a surgery date for carpal tunnel, looking at another shoulder surgery.. currently filing for disability through a company my insurance offered. Lots of paperwork but I’ll let ya know how it goes. The company working with me said to apply for food stamps ASAP. I did and had my food card in one week. Omg! I’m able to choose my own things to eat, I’m going as healthy as possible every time I go to the grocery store. It’s a start! Yay! Gotta long road ahead but gotta start with a couple of steps and keep going. It’s hard a lot of times, negative energy brings me down but I’m still hanging in there. Thanks all and you all hang in there as well... take the first steps and it starts the ball rollin’ (though mine is rollin’ slow, it’s a rollin’ 🤗) ❤️🤗
I don't trust people who flip-flop, I don't do anything that is bad for me.
Didn’t realise how destructive this behaviour is , had no idea how other people were getting hurt . How sad
This is so eye opening!!! For forty years I have been so confused to the point I just wanted to not live. I also see myself clearer. Thank you for posting this stuff-I am truly amazed!
You are so welcome!
Rhoberta Shaler, PhD - Toxic Relationship Help ❤️
This is really good shit. Nicely articulated.
My husband promises every time to fix the leeaking roof and gets angry when I ask him about it.He is totally against it when I get someone else to do it.Its been 5 yrs now that we live in these wet conditions....
That's not fair. It also jeopardizes everyone's health. I suggest you tell him which date it has to be taken care of by, OR you'll get someone else to do it. Can you do that?
I will try ..Thanks
I do not like that a psychologist tries to scare out people, who are passive aggressive people, that nobody will want to be with you and bare your behaviour, you will stay alone...wtf. The fear is not a best way...
There is nothing about fear in this. The information is to help a person who may not understand why others find them difficult, or shy away from them, to have insights and ideas about patterns they may not currently see.
Any Aquarius watching this video?
omg help me understand pleaseeeeeeeee
I guess this is an Aquarius trait.
You just described my husband. He lost a very good job and he put the blame on every possible person but himself.
Oh, that's quite typical, sadly enough. Is he passive-aggressive with you, as well?
Yes, he is. He shuts down when I try to talk about his behaviors. His favorite sentence is “I didn’t mean to” or “It is not that bad, you’re too sensitive”.
@@gleicirib Is he only passive-aggressive? Have you read my free ebook, How to Spot a Hijackal? Available at Hijackals.com He could be a covert #Hijackal...maybe...perhaps? See what you think after you read it.
She described my parents perfectly. They never give me a straight answer on anything and always make me wait. And don't get me started on my in-laws.
Ironically, You are being worse than passive aggressive by passing judgement so rapidly on a human being YOU D'ONT KNOW nothing about at all ! Shame on you !
Lmaooo feel like I’m in 3rd grade on them computers 😂😂😂 thanks
My parents and in-laws. Procrastination and hypocrisy.
Some of my in laws!
I've been at my current workplace for over 10 years and Ive had no problems with anyone in that time, however, now I'm currently working with an absolute passive aggressive who does everything in his power to elicit a reaction from me on a daily basis, thanks to your video I now understand his behaviour but I struggle to understand how to behave around it, I don't wanna react but I don't wanna be picked on either, any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Thankyou for your video, you beautiful person.
Hi, Jack.
When you're dealing with a passive-aggressive person, that person does not want to handle conflicts--large or small--directly. One thing you can do is ignore the behavior while keeping an email exchange going, affirming dates, deadlines, promises, etc..
Confirmation emails work well when dealing with passive-aggressive people, e.g., "I just want to confirm that we've agreed to have the report finished by noon on Friday, and we'll both complete our parts. Please respond so I know we're on the same page." This gives you an email trail when the person gives you all their reasons for not completing the work, or says you ask too much.
Passive-aggressive people enjoy getting a negative response from you so that they can make you wrong again. Interact as little as possible.
What's up with the manager? Is this person bringing in a lot of money or something? That often causes managers to turn their heads from social dysfunction.
@@ForRelationshipHelp hi , I am having a similar experience with a coworker. I’m actually a counseling intern at a religious counseling center on a military base and I have done co-counseling with this other intern who has resorted to being very passive aggressive towards me. She can never be upfront about issues that are bothering her and she seems to think the worst of me at all times. She makes condescending remarks towards me constantly and always tries to bully me into doing things that do not make any sense. I finally stopped working with her and now she’s telling everyone that I kicked the feet out from underneath her and left her hanging, all the while she was abusing me and mistreating me the entire time. I finally let the supervisor ( an army chaplain) know and he suggested that I talk to her. I have tried talking to her several times like a mature adult and she always claims that nothing is wrong. He also suggested that we have a meeting with him but I refuse to, as I know this will make her retaliate against me secretly even more. I completely avoid her and have no relationship with her, but I believe her toxic behavior to be a hindrance to the organization and to clients. She is not stable enough to become a licensed counselor. She has admitted to me that she has experienced abuse and trauma in her life-she once told me that she had an aunt ( who was one of her childhood caregivers) hold a gun to her head several times as a teenager. She ended up running away from home as a teen and was placed in a group home. She has been raped and molested and seems to have never recovered from these traumas. I have let the supervisor know that I believe this intern to be severely psychologically impaired due to her experiencing severe abuse and trauma growing up. It obviously still seems to affect her. He doesn’t seem to believe me or take it seriously as he has not done anything about the situation. This woman even told me that she is an abuser and that she learned that she has the traits of an abuser when she started working w/ DV victims during her counseling practicum. Any ideas as to what I can do? I come in to see clients but I do not go anywhere near this other intern. I just come in for sessions and then I leave the counseling center. I do not feel safe around her and believe one day she is going to snap like Chris Watts. She seems to thrive off targeting individuals. I am a white woman and she is a black woman and however, she seems to always find reasons to make things about race. That’s another reason I need to be careful. I believe her behavior is a cry for help.
They know exactly what they are doing. They are predators and worthless to society.
Thankyou and thankgod! Yes i have someone like this in my life and they make your life hell. Wish they'd learn that eveything will be alright if they just said how they truly felt!
Iv just left a man who was like this it lasted 5 months I was mentally exhausted it all comes down to they never forget any arguments you've ever had and there just resentful all the time so you can never move forward and be happy it's just ground hog day over and over made me ill I'm glad it's over so I can get my sanity back
The password is right on the page on which you subscribed. It tells you you will need it on the next page to take the checklist. I hope that helps.
@.3:12 When you don’t speak your truth openly
@. 4:49 When you appear sweet, compliant, agreeable
@.5:39 Afraid of being alone, ....dependent
@.6:33 Complain frequently you are being mistreated
@.7:28 Frequently procrastinate especially on things you do for others
@ 8:41. unwilling to give a straight answer...
@. 10:19 Sulk, withdraw,pout
@. 11:49 Cover up feelings of inadequacy with superiority, distain, or ever high style passivity. You set yourself up to be self-sabatoging failure.
@. 12:45. Often late and forgetful
@ 14:02 Drag your feet to frustrate other people
@. 14:59 Make up stories and excuses and lies
@ 15:45 Constantly protect yourself so nobody will know how afraid you are of being inadequate.
Repetition Bill . 🤔
@@sjwillis1137 yes, sorry to bother u 😅
I believe ALL PEOPLE that might find themselves in certain situations WILL become passive aggressive. A high jackal could easily put you into that type of situation
Sadly true, although each one of us in control of how we perceive, react, and respond. Hijackals certainly DO drive you to be more covert in your behaviors in order to stay under their radar. That can mean that we behave in ways that can be seen as passive-aggressive.
No one can make anyone else behave any way they don't want or choose to.
20+ years of this and then the brother moves nearby and replaces me as source instantly... and the revert behavior caused her to file for divorce after her mother died ~ what a surprise ~ Now after many years searching the whole narcissist / whatever thing I come across this video ~ BINGO !! Now it all makes sense to me. AND ... I was warned but didn't know what passive aggressive meant. The brother and parents spoiled this woman and she became a perpetual brat. NEVER HONEST !! They didn't have computers then ~
It's SO difficult to live with and around, I know. I'm glad you found insights that are helpful!
In the first example, you'd need to be able to say "no, I can't, that's won't be possible"
This is fabulous.
I'm glad you found it helpful!
Great video. Took some home truths for myself too. Luckily I had already highlighted my shortcomings prior, just didn’t realise it was me being passive aggressive! Love it
I can imagine the narcissists (maybe more so the covert ones) show passive aggression when with friends/partners but are completely different around strangers and ppl they don’t need.
I remember going out with my narc ex and she’d snap at sales people and told me her work colleagues thought she was hard to speak to. So I think this video just let me know she was showing me one of her many faces.
Maybe the more passive aggressive the more angry you are in different places because you think you’re the victim and have really digested that narrative so you walk up and show power when you’re free to.
This is me. Since my husband was diagnosed with major depression I started learning more about mental health and have been working on my flaws. I'm working to better myself but knew I have a lot of work to do. I identify with bipolarism but everything you listed described me (not proud of it). :(
Good for you to be self-reflective! I have many videos on passive-aggressive behaviors, and several podcast episodes, too. I hope you find valuable insights there. Here's the podcast: SaveYourSanityPodcast.com
I wish you well with your learning. If I can help, reach out: BeAClient.com
Rhoberta
@@ForRelationshipHelp
I will check it out. Thank you so much
Well, I'm not afraid of being alone so I'm only 11 for 12 in passive aggressive behavior!
Ah.. yes.. I’m slightly passive aggressive 😬 thank you
You’re welcome 😊
Hmm. Good ideas. Found it hard to listen to the constant "you" bc not all traits applied, and it felt like I was being strongly encouraged to admit even to traits I don't have. Yes, i know the "you" is hypothetical but not all people exhibit *all* these P/A traits. For example, I struggle with people pleasing but not passive aggressive procrastination. But it's very hard to disagree with that voice saying "you" constantly. Leads not just to self reflection ("do I?") but to second guessing self (if i have one trait I must have all of them). I have flaws but just don't have *all* of them lol.
I'm glad you found some good ideas. Reflecting on what resonates for us, and knowing what doesn't, helps to entertain possibilities, I think. A good thing!
This is what the word 'one' is really useful for, but it's fallen out of use because people think it's posh
Yes I felt the exact same listening to this. I think if someone is self aware and reflective enough to listen, like most of those people commenting on here, and chances are we have probably also experienced crazy making hijackals ourselves who make us second guess ourselves too, if we’ve been listened to Dr Shaler on UA-cam, so it’s hard to make an objective assessment on ourselves. Yet PA is the type of behaviour we can be taught by toxic parents and many of us probably do exhibit some of these behaviours.
I should have watched this video sooner to save my 6 years relationship. I dont know that i have this pattern, i thought i wasn't a toxic/manipulative person. Now tgat i realized it, its already too late. He doesn't want me back, i can change, i dont know my i have this behavior to begin with and i dont know how to deal with it. No one thought this to me, if i could just go back to the time were i am being passive aggressive and tell it to myself to stop, i would do that. But the most painful thing is realization and regret always in the end. 😢
Breathe and realize it happens for a reason, and be thankful you became aware. Fate might just be preparing you for "the" one.
Sadly I do all these things......thank you fir this video
You are so welcome. Isn't it good to know now what it is that you want to change? Great start. I'm always here if you want my help: htt[://BeAClient.com
I had a situation where I was open about how I felt and was kind and caring, and the person I was involved with would bite my head off and speak to me badly. I then didn’t feel like I could say how I felt without being torn into, so I stopped sharing how I felt, but then was labelled as passive aggressive 🤷♀️ any advice for that sort of thing?
Hi, Tahleasin,
It sounds as though that person has issues. I encourage you to keep kindly and honestly sharing, using my Personal Weather Report strategy in my book, Kaizen for Couples. Sometimes, it's all in the delivery. Sometimes, though, it's all in the other person's need to be right.
I wish you well.
How often was you open to how you kept feeling probably was over the same small things and repeated them that's probably why they had a short fuse they never started that way at the beginning something drove them that way till in the end they lash out they can't deal with it
"Midwest Nice" is passive aggression
Certainly, it can be.
I'm this kind of person and I hate it. I don't want to live like this anymore.
Keep doing what you do Dr. You provide an valuable service to the world.
Thank you, I will!
I feel like I am having lots of the traits of passive aggressive people.
I always have the feeling people want to much of me and they literally do not accept a no! Always more always higher!
How do I teach people to just accept my no and still be around!
Lately I had following:
- my son needed school advise
- I had a paper to be finished for work with unrealistic deadline
- I had an event for which I committed months ago.
- my partner wants to spend that weekend together on a city trip.
Which of all those things do I need to give priority without getting exhausted myself 😖
Seems all want to be my priority! My guy just answered: if you cannot be available when we already have so little time, yeah then we’ll see if we work out! 😱
What!?! See, people just expect too much!!! People don’t take a no for an answer!!! They leave, or just blame and guilt trip you
Clarifying, expressing, and maintaining boundaries is important in healthy relationships. In the situation you describe, though, it's not about boundaries. As you say, it's about priorities and you have competing ones.
You say you have passive-aggressive traits. Those would show up in not giving any of your four competing events a definitive answer and handling the conflicts directly as they arise. Tough choices, for sure!
Fantastic, thank you!
You're so welcome!
3:12 WHEN YOU DON’T speak your truth openly, kindly, and honestly when asked for your opinion and when asked for your opinion, or when asked to do something for others or someone.
4:49 You appear sweet, compliant, agreeable, but underneath you are really resentful and angry and envious.
5:39 Afraid of being alone, and equally afraid of being dependent.
Hi, Bill,
Are those the passages that stood out for you?
Rhoberta
Rhoberta Shaler, PhD - Toxic Relationship Help Thankyou Roberta. All twelve seemed to fit my situation. I have “inherited” some of these traits, and have worked hard to better these, but I needed to timestamp these so I could go back. It seems inherent in my family, and it seems the next step is dealing with the effects. However, how do I make others in my family aware of this habitual pattern and stop this. Having a video on this would help me tremendously.
Thankyou for making this video.
Rhoberta Shaler, PhD - Toxic Relationship Help Todd Grande gave this criteria in “The Forgotten Personality Disorder”
Five factors related to Passive Aggressive Behavior
1. Rigidity - inflexible, maladaptive, stubborn, authoritative, dogmatic
2. Resentment - * anger, irritability, cynical, skeptical, low in trust, jealousy, paranoid, shame in expressing anger and a lot of anger turned inward.
3. Resistance - too weak to directly display dissatisfaction, come from low self- esteem, people reject useful advice and are inactive. They refuse to do any work. Oppositional attitude toward authority...
4. Reactance - procrastinating ( someone believes their behavior option is restricted ). This restores an individuals perceived freedom of choice. They hold onto control.
5. Reversed a Reinforcement.- normally when problems occur this leads to feelings of power and verification. May agree to something they not enjoy, do it, feel terrible. There is no way to reach negative emotions.
this exists..
@@ForRelationshipHelp Henry Cloud in “Changes that Heal” in Chapter 9 says that there are the following symptoms of a failure to set boundaries. After 10 months, I’ve got some healing from even *passivity...aggressively.....* listening to Dr, Henry Cloud podcasts on UA-cam. I’ve come to an acceptance of myself even sexually, where I was so unclear of this...
SYMPTOMS OF FAILURE TO SET BOUNDARIES...
1. Depression. Sets one up to being treated bad, much pains results..
2. Panic ...page 178 Changes that heal..
3. Resentment...
4. *Passive Aggressive Behaviour* ...
5. Codependency...page 179...
6. Identity Confusion
7. Difficulties with Being Alone
8. Masochism
9. Victim Mentality ...page 180
10. Blaming .....
11. Over-responsibility and Guilt
12. Under-Responsibility
13. Feelings of Obligation
14. Isolation ...page 181
15. Feelings of being let down
16. Extreme Dependency
17. Disorganization and Lack of Direction
18. Substance Abuse and Eating Disorders
19. Procrastination ...page 182
20. Impulsivity.
21. Generalized anxiety
22. Obsessive- Compulsive Behaviour
23. Barriers to Creating Boundaries....past injury and distorted thinking...
Thank you for this very helpful information. Also, I’d like to add that there is no call for the mean-spirited comments about the vocal qualities of the provider of this good and valuable information. Should one prefer to get one’s high-quality, FREE advice from someone with different vocal qualities, one should just look elsewhere.
Very helpful, thank you
Glad to hear it. I have new show starting soon on my UA-cam channel. I hope you've subscribed so you'll hear about it right away.
Dr. Shaler is very informative. The list she provided in this video, can assist anyone who is or has been targeted by an individuals practicing passive aggressive behavior. Passive-aggressive people often tend to blame the world for their failures. That is why they act the way they do.
Sometimes I'm grumpy because of something. But I realize it's not valid or important to bring up or i dont know how I feel about it yet. My partner can tell something is wrong. I need time to prosses how I'm feeling before I bring an issue to him. I don't feel bringing up an issue when your upset is positive. I feel taking time to make sure you don't say mean things or speak out of anger is important. When I'm grumpy he can tell however I don't say mean things or do mean things. I'm quiet and dp my own thing. He calls me passive aggressive. When I bring something up to him he often gets angry and says mean things. So I say I'd rather be calm when I bring something up to him than mean and fight. When you don't take time to gather your thoughts and feelings you act our of emotion. I don't want to do this. I don't want to fight because I'm annoyed or grumpy. So, what should I do instead if I'm passive aggressive by doing this? I'm not going to confront someone when I'm upset that's a recipe for disaster.
When I was married my then husband would take sides with his mother and when we were alone he would assault me verbally and he would never to his mom or to his dad ???!!!! I felt so cheated he was do resentful toward me
I'm sure you did feel that way because it is SO unfair.
Aaarrrgh!!! Calgon, take me away!! 🛀🏼Lol! Omg! You’re describing somebody I know to a tee! 👍
Can you give me specific solutions? What should I think, feel, write instead of my destructive thoughts, emotions, behaviour. I see my faults, but I can`t find an alternative thought/emotion. What is the healthy alternative thought?
I can give you a general answer. We'd have to have a session for me to help with specifics for your life. If you want to do that, you can use my new client offer at BeAClient.com
The general answer is to focus on what you're moving towards, what you desire to be and do. Whenever you become conscious that you're moving in a dark direction, take three deep breaths in through the nose and out through the mouth. Relax. Re-focus.
I hope that helps. Maybe talk soon.
Rhoberta
Rhoberta Shaler, PhD - Toxic Relationship Help I need help I’ll be in touch
Unrealistic and unsafe expectations.
My older brother is the definition of passive aggressive as such I stopped all contact three years ago. It is pure cowardice not to speak your truth, I have no sympathy for anyone who hides behind what is a dreadful and destructive character trait.
damn, you’ve got me down to a T. Some, i’ve worked on, but most of these are still me. No wonder I sometimes feel people gravitate away from me. Damn, how do I go about fixing something like this? I think I learned this from my mother, she’s very passive aggressive.
The good news is that, now that you are clear that there are changes you'd like to make that would make your life better, you can make those changes. You'll likely need help.
If you'd like to talk with me about it, you're welcome to use this new client opportunity: BeAClient.com
I wish you well.
Fake ppl.keep your distance
Thank you for giving such an in depth insight into P. A. behaviour its clarified some things.
My mum invited me into her home so I could repair from a gaslighting/narc ex. Instead of helping she seemed to subtley use the tactics he had used, she refused to discuss anything (I didn't notice I assumed I was so awful I was causing this reaction in everyone but no matter how hard I tried I couldn't figure out how I could be a better person) Our mutual friends started shunning me, It was confusing the life out of me. She was even setting up our friends with false info. so they would also trigger me.
It was at Christmas just gone my child nearly died in an accident, I stayed by his side the week until he was declared 'safe' and then my migraines got the better of me. I watched her unable to support him, (she didn't contemplate going to the hospital and we are her only family) and barely visited him in his room (at their house) except for giving him huge chocolate bars and crisps. When I confronted her she hid behind her partner and denied, blamed and ignored me, I told her it wasn't acceptable behavior, she told me I make her want to die. As horrible as it was that was ignition I needed to try to set up on my own with my son for the first time despite my chronic migraines. I've done it! It's amazing how calm and uncomplicated things are for the first time. I'm now so curious about what I had experienced in my childhood as I can't remember so this video has been a great help.
Breaking everything down and showing how blame is reversed in so many varying ways has been so helpful. I can relate to all 12 parts. Thank you x
Thank you for reaching out. I'm so glad that you are now experiencing peace, #Hijackal-free. Have you noticed a reduction in the intensity or frequency of your migraines? That's likely to happen as you have reduced your moment-to-moment anxiety.
I hope you'll watch other videos on my channel to support you. Big hugs!
@@ForRelationshipHelp I've had a lot of migraines lately so this is going to be so interesting to watch what happens now as I think there is an emotional root. I've sent the video to friends so they can understand what I struggle to explain, I really appreciate that you have made your insights available like this and I'll definately be investigating further, thank you x
Some of these traits are indicative of covert narcissism, not mere passive aggression.
Man, you nailed me with that. :/
Omg I'm like that. I found out not long ago. I don't want to be like that anymore 😞
Oh my god, you are describing me!!!
Then, you now know what changes you may want to make, right? I wish you well.
This is excellent thank you I just subscribed
You geared this video as if you were talking to a aggressive person. When people watch these videos usually it's because they're seeking information about others. I don't think a passive aggressive person is going to sit & listen to stuff like this. What I've noticed about them is they DON'T want to change & THEY DON'T seek help. They have lived that way so long they don't think anything is wrong with them. Just my observation.
I actually enjoy the content and your soothing voice tone. Btw, I am a vocal coach who has performed in 300 concerts over the last 40 years. ☺
Thanks, Bill. I spent many years performing as a pianist and singer, composer and director. I'm happy to hear that your discerning ear picked it up!
@@ForRelationshipHelp
I look forward to listen to more of your content Dr Shaler. I definately have some thing to heal from in 2021. The first 15 years were unbelievably traumatic.
It's amazing what the brain can dissociate from to prevent a nervous breakdown. It was all glossed over for decades by my Borderline/Narcissistic primary caregivers, but as
Dr Bessel van der Kolk says:
The Body Keeps The Score.
@@ForRelationshipHelp
Music is my Zen. That's wonderful! Maybe on day we can text about advanced music theory. ☺
Diminished & Half Dim chords
Sus 2s and 4s
9ths, #11s and b13s
Bach/ Chopin/Motzart/Vivaldi
Placido Domingo
Pavorati
Andrea Bucceli
Sara Brightman
Renee Fleming
Maria Callas
What about when "speaking our truth" involves a whole lot of criticisms?
I live in a fundamentalist religous culture.
Yes, speaking your truth can seem unwelcome, particularly in a community that has its own rules. It's best to use my Personal Weather Report when you speak up...and, when you speak up, start with a very small concern. Here's a video about the PWR: ua-cam.com/video/mFCZohqaFMM/v-deo.html
I have become like that after having been gaslighted by a religious fanatic who devalued me. Also having been around my mother has intensified that. Then I did something about it and ended up going to Jail for it.
me me me me me! It describes me!!!! Or may be I misdiagnosed myself! Not all of it describes me but there are many aspects of it that does.
how do you fix it... its me too :(
WHAT IS THAT MUSIC IN THE BACKGROUND???
Wowwwwwwww, this my boyfriend of 7 months. I just ended the relationship because he is extremely passive aggressive. I have confronted him and exploded.like 3 times and he goes right back to silent treatment and avoidance. He is forever the victim never the open aggressor. I had to leave, now I have peace ✌🏾❤.
You’re great
Thanks, Priya. I'm glad it was helpful.
Do you know I have a weekly livestream each Monday at 6 PM Pacific Time? If you subscribe to my channel, you'll be reminded. During the show, you can ask your questions in the chat!
How does one person ask for flexibility or amnesty at work? I've notice a inflexible, inhumane,, and uncompassionate, approach when dealing with employees and deadline. Things come up, especially during the pandemic and its only fair for employers to be flexible during times where tension (and loss) runs rapid, especially when it comes to those who do not access to assumed resources (e.g childcare, finances, time, etc). At what point do we consider the difference betwee employer's perception, and employee perception or experience?
the tone feels so offensive, but i see what u mean
but also i'm not crying you are🥲
🤣
I'm not Passive-Aggressive
Is it possible that my passive aggressive mother in law made my husband a narcissistic bastard? Or hes also passive aggressive. She does that “oh im the perfect submissive housewife” but she would give the cold shoulder to either her husband or children for many days or even weeks!!!! Until they would turn around and give her what she wanted either money or anything she asked for. She would make me fee bad because any argument I had with my husband her son, she would say I was too picky, I wanted too much from him. That I thought to great of myself to expect so much. She would belittle me for even having a conversation with my husband about his passive aggressiveness, but when it came to money for her or items she wanted her passive aggressiveness was perfect for control. Now I cannot count on my husband to keep our children safe while I go out to work! Yet at the same time he wont allow me o shop when we need clothes or basic things for the home. So he wants me to work, if I am willing to not spend any money that I earn and simply hand him my paycheck, also not ever asking for anything either. But id i dare by my kids anything or myself he gets angry and he startts doing little things here and there to put them in danger and make my stay home and not work. What does that do!??? It forces me to stay home and be relying on him and therefore being submissive to him.
You don't have a husband. You have a pimp. And he's using the kids to keep you compliant.
RUN.
@@littleredhen8205 I think about that everyday I really want to leave him, money is the big issue not that he gives me great life no, but we live in California it is very expensive!
I jumped through the hoops, gave the website my email, but still couldn’t get in. No password was available.
Why don’t you tell people they have to give up info to get into the checklist? Are you being passive aggressive
Lol😄😄😄
The password is right on the page for you...in red. "You will need the password: PAC on the next page" Couldn't be clearer! No, I'm not being passive-aggressive. Obviously.
Why are we getting a recorded message? This is extremely difficult for me to listen when I cannot see your facial expressions or your eyes.
It is a podcast episode.
Get the fuck on with it NOW.....NOW.
Some of these things I do but it is part of my ADHD
But it’s really my excuse for bad behavior
@@vikkiblondin3616 wow that really honest and accountable of you.. My partner is adhd and autism and is very passive aggressive in arguments and i guess i always wonder should i excuse certain things due to executive functioning issues etc or expect him to improve his beahviour ? like what is fair ?
Honestly I don’t think it’s wrong what you’re saying BUT LOL I know it’s not because I’m scared to be alone. I really feel that most times I’m thinking that I’m being asked a setup question or dumb question. Like they should know better. But yeah we’re on to something. I notice it and I do want to correct this behavior.
Also. I do,do that laying thing. But, not to the ones that I love. However, I have a specific VIP of mine that believes I treat her the same way I do enemies and it drives me crazy that she would think that I would look at her in this manner KNOWING! My method of handling individuals that mean nothing to me. Rrraaarrr drives me nuts
This video has so many mf ads
this hijackel can do this to nurses, they do not hear it when the conversation is rehashed violent crimes non stop. their thoughts leave, his enter and they loosen, but never knew it, living seeing fifty years of unhinging others by hijackelin my gaslight
Oh yeah. Because I REALLY value your advice about passive aggressive behavior. :D
Call them "they" next time :P
Your show has more negative comments that keep people from get better. You talk about the abuser behavior more than you do what can help the abuser.
The "music" was extremely aggressive to my ears.
passive aggressive quotation marks
Hijackals, is that a legitimate medical term? No
No, Hijackals® is a term I trademarked so that people would not be focused on attempting psychological diagnoses, and focus more on the patterns, traits, and cycles of difficult folks, to respond to them in more insightful and productive ways.
Rhoberta Shaler, PhD - Toxic Relationship Help responsible, especially nowadays
@@VladaldTrumptin ...especially nowadays when there are more #Hijackals. Sad!
Very good information but you voice sounds like you are lecturing to a group of 7 year olds. Sorry, I could not listen for very long.
Lol, this is a passive aggressive comment ;)
@@EugeneAxe No its not. Shes very arrogant and condescending.
Very boring presentation
But good message
It’s strange when you assume that the listener (me) is passive-aggressive. You use the "you" perspective continuously.
You then obviously didn’t listen/hear what she said in the beginning when she started to use you instead of he/she/you
I tried listening to the entire video but I could not quell the continuous urge to vomit.
She should be blocked. Everyone has flaws, but she thinks all of that is passive aggressive. Pyscho babble
Sylvia C. Seems you guys are ‘offended ‘ much 🤷🏼♀️
How awful you are ! Why bother saying stuff just to take others down?? Here’s an option for you both, don’t watch! Ffs
Sylvia C. -if you aren’t in a relationship with a passive aggressive to the bone person then you will not understand truly what is being discussed and why. I see a bit of myself in some of it but OH BOY what my husband has is FINALLY getting understood by me. I understand what is happening now but that can’t stop me from having Enough of it-I’m outa here and this hell
This is a bunch of rubbish
it isn't
This sounds like a case of "blame the target". It's gaslightting, making it sound like it's the target's own fault they are being abused. It's a totally worthless video. THUMBS DOWN.
Perhaps you'd like to listen again. There is NO blame at all for the target. There are suggestions for change.
Super rude, condescending, and unprofessional. But you'll just deny it, so...