The PILLARS of Narcissism: Realistic Ways Narcissists Can Change
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- Опубліковано 22 лип 2023
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.
My ex husband actually posted your picture on his Facebook page with a caption that read “ This woman was sent by the devil to destroy marriages “ he’s still bitter about me leaving ( he was abusive ) although he remarried quickly after our divorce. I often watched you when I was searching for answers. You have been a godsend
He sounds quite misogynistic and controlling! You've dodged a bullet
That post could be listed in the dictionary as an example of someone self-reporting. If someone has a strong dislike of Dr. Ramani, it’s very strong evidence they’re not someone we want to be around.
Narc translation "I am the devil Sent to destroy relationships"
WoW! I’m so glad you got away from him. It’s amazing how far they’ll go to not be accountable 🙄
Omg 😳😣
Often the narcissist thinks they are showing empathy by jumping in and telling someone how they “should be feeling” and what they “should do”.
Yeah😂😂😂😂😂
Omg yesss
I don't fit in here and my 👎 comments 👎 do not bounce off of 🪩 the people here like 😮💨 I 🫣 intend. But telling people _what I felt they should do_ instead of anything *else other than that* was in fact one of the first things I committed to not 🙅♂️ doing any more 💁♂️ once I decided to try to 🎚️ level up 🧘♂️ and be 🕉️ better. "If I was you..." "Did you ever think about..." "How about instead, you..." are all 👀 words worth looking 👀 out for too, but you are 💯 spot 🎯 on 💯 in your 🧠👁️🗨️ insight 👍. 🫶 Thank you for sharing. 🫶
This sounds like some psychology graduates does to lay people.
Story of my relationship before I left!
An ex toxic person watched your video "can't we all get along" and she disagreed with all your views, that was confirmation and I didn't look back and blocked from my life. TY Dr. Ramani for more validation
Be yourself! Narcissists don't have to like you, and you don't have to care.
The root of all our suffering with the narcissist is attachment.
I just want him to like me so badly and show up for me in the ways *I* ask for him to, not the ways he thinks he should. I feel so unheard.
@@m.s.17171That sounds awful to deal with. If he doesn't support your needs, I would wager 💰💰 you will be fine without anything he has to offer.
@@m.s.17171
I spent three years pouring in everything to this woman , I broke if off a month ago and just feel so violated that all she said when I broke if off was.. "I don't want this" over and over. Nothing about how much she loves me, or how she will do better or make it up to me or what I've ment to her. Everything she said was about her needs.. that's what hurts to most is the extreme selfishness and lack of self awareness... That are consumed with them selves. And it drives us crazy
Absolutely! To be yourself, put the focus on your own needs. Boundaries. Secure attachment. Realistic expectations. Healthy friends and support. What you have faith and trust in. Is it possible to do this when you have an obligation to stay connected? In my experience, yes.
You would care if narcissists you don't care about (or don't even know well) would sabotage your career because of their secret envy.
They say "YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE." But after going through narcissistic abuse, once is enough. We're living in a fake, cold, cruel world where money and power are more important than anything else and the bad outweighs the good.
Yeeeh😊
☝️💯%
Then we best readjust those scales
@@thinkingallowed1stThat is _my purpose_ and I am here to help. Every 🕉️♾️ spirit 🩻 has the _power_ to become an ⚛️🥷 atomic ninja ⚛️🥷.
@@thinkingallowed1stI have a plan for doing _exactly_ what you suggested. When meeting someone potentially of the same mindset, 🫴✨🪄 offer magic without pretext or precondition. In other words, 🫶 *free 🆓 magic* ✨ 🧞♂️✨ without 🪄 🚫 any 👀 hidden🧵 🧵. 🌬️ 🕉️🖤❤️🩵💚🤎🩷🧡🤍💜🩶💛💙🕉️
Empathic peeps can be so concerned with hurting other people that they themselves get all tied up in knots, and they may have trouble even being straightforward.
It reslly forces you to put a wall up. Boundaries. If we acted like them we get told off, yet if we ignore, they get mad too.
Yup!! Why confessions to police interrogators should not be given so much weight!!
I don't think it is nice to call these people toxic. They should be 🏷️ labeled 🏷️ as ☢️ radioactive ☢️ instead. That's because sometimes their mere presence makes others around them sick.
Yes, agreed.
They definitely will make their supply physically sick due to draining them of so much energy.
Where's the discard when you need it?
Facts!
THAT IS ON POINT 9000!
One thing: don't try to win with a narcissist. You cannot. After decades of living, I'm finally STARTING to realize this! ❤️☮️ 😎
This is so true
You win when you are enjoying your life and sharing it with people who are too.
Under normal conditions, I tend to agree. However I open an exception to a relative of mine who usually spreads bad mood wherever she lands. She hates me, because I know her weak spot, and I totally love to expose her silly sense of entitlement. And it all began with a little help from these videos. It was an eye opener.
I have young children with my narcissistic ex so it's super important for me to know how to handle the narcissist for my children's sake. Ensuring their emotional safety as they grow is my number 1 priority.
Keep hold of yourself too when you're delving into their world. I had to think like my ex to defend my son. Remember your lovely bits too ❤❤
@@thinkingallowed1stabsolutely agree with this! Mine doesn't have anything to do with ours, and that's his problem, but my kids have friends and family members they can count on. At the end of the day, it's not about us, it's about the kids.A bit more difficult when they have older kids from another relationship, but that's their issue as well.
@@oneofthegoodonesok You are no good to anyone if you don't take care of yourself first. This is toxic advice for a narcissist, but absolutely necessary advice for a caregiver.
@@soulscanner66 You can do it. Others hinted at it, but I will be a little more blunt. 🔑🧠 Never forget that their entire 🤏🧠 mindset automatically makes them the middle of everything. They never really 🧿👀👁️🗨️ see things in any other way.
My grandma always said don’t write at night. She was right! Same as texting now.
I wouldn't be caught dead cutting in line for any reason but I also do not tolerate the same from others and am vocal and point them to the end of the line. My malignant sister and late malignant husband admitted to me they weren't empathetic. So they recognized some of their issues as narcissists but ultimately didn't care. Why? Entitlement. I think they are aware they may hurt someone but just don't care. Entitlement translates into immunity.
spin classes! people moving my things off my bike, hopping on my bike like no one cares & acting utterly surprised this would not be acceptable . . .
Just plain rude and classless. Manners are going by the wayside with social media, reality shows (gives permission for people to act like animals), etc.
I have been well trained as a Marriage and Family Therapist. Yearly CEU's to keep my license updated and I lived what your speak about Dr. Ramani. I grew up with a malignant narcissistic mother, however it was my alcoholic ravenous pageful father that eyes turned to and he was the far healthier parent. The covertness and communal narcissism and physical beauty was the mask that society saw and her children were called into question and not her. She is 94 and after 13 years of cutting myself and her grandchildren from her in all regards, she indirectly asked to see me. I chose to go. So did her grandson, now 22. The in wheel chaired women who now share a hall with her in skilled nursing thought me and my son were the traitors of love. Said things like, oh your mother is such a WONDERFUL woman. The social worker made it clear my mother had told her things that made me the one that discarded and split off. Nothing could be farther from the truth. My own therapy of years had my therapist, after 5 years, encouraging no more cards or calls to her as it was now obvious the block. My sisters are flying monkeys, with my younger sister one day saying to me on the phone "you are the lucky one", and never supporting me about how painful being kicked out of the family after my father died might have felt for me. How to unconditionally love to save my own soul from bitterness is on the daily. Unconditional love does not mean allowing abuse. Thank you so much for speaking out as you do. As a retired therapist going back into the field now, I am free-er in what I now understand and will be less destructive in my own field, not knowing what it not taught. Lastly, I specialized in attaching unattached children after my own adopted children suffered so and so did I until I understood how to parent differently until attached. I so understand what happens when people grow up and do not choose to recover from their pain. I can love another from a far, keep attempting to have valid anger and move away without being sucked back in or shamed into leaving my soul one more time. Thank you so much!!
❤
Literally- it's been two years. I'm still working on emotionally regulating from the entire experience. Lucky me- I also have cptsd. I got the double whammy of already having been traumatized - and then coupled with someone who triggered every trauma through their behavior and actions. I now have the perspective of being able to say I love you- but there's still an arms length. I don't know if I'll ever let anyone get that close to me again. Went from someone I was convinced I'd marry, to him being every nightmare personified in one person. Ive been in therapy over a year now, but idk. I don't see myself falling in love again. I think this was my last go.
I used to tell people about everything I did. I couldn’t experience the activity if I didn’t tell someone about it. I’ve stopped doing that. I still have periodic conversations with two good friends to catch up on our life experiences, but I don’t feel the need to verify every activity with someone on a daily basis.
It is so true that texting is abused by a narcissistic person! I had to stop responding (even with an emoji) to someone who was dumping all their immediate emotions onto me via texts!
Yes. Texting and phone calls. I tried to insist on only emailing due to him threatening to take me to court.
And he hates it. Is so resistant to it. So then I explained, if you take me to court then it will be ordered for us to only communicate through email or an app to record all conversations.
🤷🏻♀️
Let's see if those threats keep coming?
"That's not empathy, that's coincidence!" Priceless!!!! ❤
What I noticed just recently is that I seem to suffer from a lot of disappointment, sense of deprivation, and envy. I can even envy things that I actually already have. I guess you could call it a “grass is always greener complex,” but it doesn’t feel like just the grass is always greener. It feels like a green grass size hole in my soul. I don’t consider myself a narcissist; in fact, I consider myself a survivor of narcissistic abuse, but I also think of myself as highly codependent and I think there’s a lot of overlap between codependent qualities and narcissistic qualities. The big differentiator is empathy. I have plenty of empathy. I have so much empathy that I was stuck in relationship with a narcissist for 20 years!
I love the line "I have a green grass size hole in my soul" !! That is amazing. Resonates with me 1,000-fold. (Guess this is what it's like to be missing the basic elements growing up. To not have been loved.) thanks for the amazing comment and poetry
I have NPD. I was “fine” and did not believe anything was wrong with me until a near-death experience in which my life was very literally saved by another person. I think feeling fully dependent on another person to survive, even in a moment I can barely remember, broke my grandiosity forever. Fear beats shame I guess
I have been on the receiving end of being in a marriage with a covert narcissist. I became increasingly more exhausted every year we were together and I could not figure out why. He constantly complained that I needed wanted to do anything or go anywhere but I literally had zero energy and was beginning depressed. I gained weight and couldn't get it off. I had headaches, hormone imbalances, anxiety/panic attacks... I finally got to the point where I had to leave. A friend opened my eyes to what was happening and I was overwhelmed and angry when I realized how he was treating me was extremely abusive. Financially, emotionally, sexually, verbally, and even some physical abuse to our children when they were small. I filed for divorce and the abuse got ten times worse. But I see a light at the end of the tunnel. I am trying to get custody of our children to protect them from continued abuse as well. It is literal hell, but I'm willing to do anything to protect them and get out of this. I'm ready for the freedom from the fear, intimidation, manipulation, obsessive control, and constant negativity, guilt trips, lack of empathy and demeaning. He is not willing to acknowledge how his behavior has hurt our family and projects everything into me. It has wrecked us.
I've been where you are, and successfully spent years fighting for my daughters safety ie custody. It is VERY hard, as courtrooms reflect general societal impressions and uneducated 'knowledge, ' not the current scientific information, and so they support shared custody even when the fathers have almost killed someone (me) in the child's presence. (Because they believe a violent, toxic father is better than no father.)(At least until proven.) Combine that with the Narc's finesse at lying, impression management & manipulating, not to mention the indiscriminate smear campaign they wage, and it is a NIGHTMARE.
But well worth it! Keep it up & stay Strong! 💗
It took me 4 years, (2017-2021) of restraining orders and divorce and custody proceedings, (even most lawyers don't understand, making it harder) but it's finally over and I won. Thank god.
With 'god' all things are possible!! Much support and warmth to you
My prayers go to you both. I did not have the physical abuse but the financial, emotional, social, psychological? Yep, ALL of that. Took me three years legal maneuvering to get free and I had to renounce ALL of my rights to speed up the “cutting away”. I had a good long talk with myself about letting go of any hopes of a peaceful “accounting” (read that as alimony blah blah blah). He was entirely financially chaotic and uncontrolled during the marriage, why would I expect him to cooperate in a divorce??
I realized that my PEACE and sanity were far more vaulable than any money I would have ended up spending the last half of my life chasing him down for.🤨. I spent damn near 30 years in that kind of chase and I will be damned if I spend another 30 engaging him that way. NOPE. I AM NOW FREE and God is more than restoring what was taken from me. I still have some road to travel but my PEACE has been rebuilt and RESTORED TEN-FOLD!
You will be fine in the long run. Cut them off, go no contact, and then pivot and throw ALL of your energy into your own healing! You WILL be restored! Blessings to you!
"Legacy doesn't mean destiny"
It has been a long time since I heard such powerful and healing combination of words.
Hearing you speak makes me believe in angels among us.
Thank you a thousandfold Dr. Ramani
Wish I could add a thousand likes to this one!
I deal with all these issues and more with my narc spouse. It's exhausting and ridiculous. The envy is nearly an every day occurence. One of the main ways it shows up is their envy of my relationship with our children. The years of anger, outburst, inconsistencies, hypocrisy, verbal and emotional abuse have severely damaged their relationships. All our kids have strong relationships with me and their other parent can hardly stand it. I used to feel like I needed to downplay or even hide how close the kids are with me but a lot of that was self-protection and now I just work at being authentic and present for my kids. You reap what you sow and it is very obvious what we each sowed as parents over the past 20 years of raising kids. It's sad and certainly not what children deserve.
Forces that compete for your loyalty…
1. Intimidation
2. Fear
3. Acceptance
4. Guilt
5. Obligation
6. Family
7. Money
8. Culture
9. Habits
10. Peer pressure
11. Bribery
12. Oppressive systems
13. Instant gratification
14. . Toxic Culture
15. Wayyyy at the bottom of the list is “Evidence” and “Proof” …..
That’s why evidence and proof don’t work to persuade the masses of people…
👍👍👍❤❤❤
Well damn, that's why this feels too hard to explain. You simply couldn't understand how all of those things can contribute to debilitating you because it seems so incredibly unbelievable that a person in good social standing would inflict on someone they say they love.
16. shame
Fact and evidence doesn't seem to work on narcissistic judges or narcissistic deputy county attorneys either.
@JasonGoldstein78 that's why I never plan to go back to court for anything pertaining to him. If he needs to rock our kids world just to get to me.... Proof between him and I is different than what I can prove because you can't prove intentions. In the end, that's all on him.
@@m.s.17171
My narc discarded me by misleading law enforcement and trapping me in the justice system. Every day I wake up knowing there's a warrant for my arrest based off of her manipulation. I have gathered call logs (to show ongoing comm after she claims our "relationship" ended and to show how she deleted a lot of messages the night I got arrested)
Data from a counseling app showing her controlling and dismissive behavior.
Emails showing a pattern of abusive communication.
Etc....
The justice system is just as narcissistic as she is. From what I have been studying, it seems those kinds of positions actually draw narcissistic people to them because of the power it gives them over others.
I'd like to thank Dr. Ramani for making me understand about narcissism. Before watching her channel I didn't know or understand anything about narcissism because I truly believe that I'm the opposite. I'm far from being perfect but not at all a narcissist. However, I lived with some of them because they are family members. My sister can easily give Rosie O'Donnell a run for her money in nastiness. She makes Madonna appears humble & shy 😂. She's that nasty and a big time malignant narcissist.
All my life, I never understand why she would rather be nasty than be kind or lie instead being truthful. She lies for no reason. She's always into drama, chaos & hysteria. Totally toxic to the max. I didn't understand about narcissistic personality then but I knew it's evil. I can somewhat understand about narcissism but I'm still learning.
Big thank you to Dr. Ramani
My ex couldn’t understand why I was still upset after he raged at me.
This video is great! Can you do one with guidance for how to just “be” on the opposite end of the spectrum. Avoidant. Low self worth. Eg.. allowing yourself to sit alone at a cafe rather than in your car.. that the world is accessible to you, that you deserve to be places and you aren’t undeserving of peoples time. Take time to tell stories in full, don’t rush your thoughts for fear of being an inconvenience etc
Entitlement...it's hard when the narc in question is legitimately special. My now ex belonged to an elite military force, search and rescue, that they make movies out of. He has PTSD and OCD as a result...so...he excuses away his behavior as "it's my PTSD" and everybody, including me at one time, excuses it away too and confirms that he's special and deserves special treatment.
Ugh!!!
Yes. Same with doctors, for example. Many layers in dealing with people in so-called special job classifications.
Dealing with a covert narc is a masterclass in self regulation. That'$ why ima regulate all the way to Victory of MY Core Beliefs. ❤ Thank you Dr. Ramani for helping us defend ourselves against The Evil Empire. You are an angel🙏
Thanks Dr. Ramani you really seem to understand me. I had a horrible childhood.
Reading the comments makes me realize that I am not the only one who went through absolute craziness in my childhood. It is very validating.
As a child of one and perhaps two parents who were narcissists, I am at 74, I am about to address, for myself and a young friend, the possibility that we have taken on some narcissistic perspectives and behaviors. We copy the behavior of our parents. So I have curtailed the use of the "narcissist" and am going to reference behaviors that are narcissistic in my own mind. My sister has a few of the most sinister behaviors and I was there. I know how she got there. So much for not knowing the cause. But I must address my own behavior,which is in no way "entitled", but time to take a closer look. I refuse to see myself as a victim. "What can I learn from this?" is my mantra. I don't think my father was capable of acknowledging his own intent, or his massive insecurities. But I now understand that it was the source of great fear and shame, that could be triggered so easily. He was desperate and he was full of anger. He felt powerless and needed to experience power, not matter how, it put a smile on his face. It was stomach turning. My physical emotional response was like nothing I have ever heard described. I ask myself how my mother refused to be afraid of him. She was enraged at the idea. So he seemed like a lamb most of the time, until she died. But she scared the crap out of me! My father acted entitled, but down deep it was not because he felt entitled. I don't think so. He was taught by his mother that he should consider himself first. She would defend him by saying "He didn't mean it!" I heard her. But he didn't respect her. So I have always thought of his behavior as anger. His sarcasm and ridicule pleased him immensely, because he watched as the object of his cruelty couldn't think of a way to object. You stand there with your mouth open! Made him feel powerful. My mother spent hours a day giving him and his grievances a listening ear, encouraging and sympathetic. But the theme was that he was the victim of other peoples stupidity, unfairness, which is a perspective that I never quite swallowed. After all, they had no friends. But they were actually terrified of what others thought of them. Well that was appropriate since they were cruel and had no insight. He was an alcoholic. And still, I decided a long time ago that where there is rage, there is fear and vice versa. They were terrified. That insight was not for having hope. But looking back I am sympathetic. And my perspective allows for that, but with caution. I moved away many years ago. At my father's funeral I was approached by a couple that said they came to talk to me. They said that my father had talked to them about me. He cried because of what he had done to me. He was ashamed. He never cried. His life was full of shame pain. They wanted me to know that he was horribly sorry. I believe that he was. Shame makes for a huge block in terms of having an honest dialogue about anything personal. Sympathy for others? He couldn't go there, not when there were so many times that he turned his back and knew he had. Easier to deny the importance of acknowledging the pain of others. And he learned that from his father, his aunts and uncles and his grandparents. A heartless bunch. Children don't know who to parrot and who to not copy. And then he went to war and briefly fell apart. No healthy models of behavior, no validation to hold him up. He didn't have the resources to confront the snowballing effect of his shame. I'm the truth teller of the family and the price for that is high as you know, but I escaped the pattern of cruel behavior in spite of living with it to an abusive degree. All my cringing paid off. I had one grandmother who gave me another example, which I have followed my entire life. She saved my ass. I wish we could save kids from this terrible dynamic. I feel for the boy my father was. He got is all wrong.
I think they have an antagonist relationship with their own emotions and this transfers to their relationships.
They despise the vulnerable parts of themselves.
I'm still learning about narcissism. However, to answer your questions, I think it is definitely a "better than thou" attitude, which is never acceptable.
I learned a lot from this about the Narcs in my life, especially the part on Envy. I now know it's RESENTFUL Longing, and I can not feel ashamed for merely liking something I see and wanting it too. I also understand why my Narc parents and family had such hate for me. I didn't understand how merely wanting something could induce such ugliness in them. The glares. The dark countenance. The mean words. The twisted expressions they could never completely hide. I also learned that the things you went over are 24/7 with narcissists, not just up and downs. Thank you. Somehow I was able to feel what they feel as you explained it, and really get an insight. And I saw myself dealing with it in a partner and feel it, and I am more determined now never to be there ever again, no matter how much awareness I have this time.
You sound like someone 🫶 with a wonderful future ahead of you 👍. I am 🌈🌊 rooting for you. I know how detrimental 🤫 nay sayers 🤔 can be to the human psyche. Everyone has a 🫴✨🪄 magical 🩻 internal vibration 🕉️ and the frequency vibrates in a way that 🧬 connects ♾️ every soul. 🫶 Thanks for sharing 💗 your vibe 💗 with the universe. 💟🌌
"Rules don't apply to me" = my egotistical, entitled covert narcissist STBX. This coupled with them living in a completely different reality means they are impossible to reason with. It is the most confusing, frustrating and infuriating situation, especially because our children have been hurt by all of this as well.
Yes true they show empathy during the love bombing phase or if it serves them in some way. I even got the impression they revel in other peoples misery and thats why they wanted to dig into other people’s (mine as well) minds and misfortunes. Is that sadism? Selective empathy? Or sheer psychopathic… man… these people are.. one big enigma
During the l9ve bombing phase, they are building up a cache of weapons to use against you.
How do you tell the difference between narcissist dysregulation and PTSD dysregulatuon?
I had to write about my abuse for years before I could even begin to talk about it;. Recovery is a slow process.
To answer the questions asked at the beginning of this video, the answer is unequivocally, YES!!
I love watching Dr Ramani videos. I feel that I get so much education from this channel.
Wish I could share this podcast with known entitled people although don’t think they would recognize themselves…but I do.
Your videos helped me by educating me about what is narcissism, the mechanics of it and how to predict outcomes. This way, I can better know what to do to protect my own mental health. I went from seriously considering ending my life because I couldn't see a way out of a terrifying maze where the rules change at the drop of a hat. I'm 58 now and after employing many of your strategies, big and small, I have a decent life. I'm better at reading the room and understand what's personal and what is not. Knowledge is not just a weapon, it is a shield that works most of the time. I've learned to make friend with supportive people and I generally, keep my friends out of reach of the narc.
I've encountered so many narcs in my working life and had no idea of what is narcissism and how to deal with these people. They're master manipulators, they sabotage others as a means to get what they want and take credit for the work of others and etc.. I don't know how to do any of that. I've been burned many times and had no idea of how to deal with these people. Recognizing certain behaviors has helped me to make the best of difficult situations and how to better protect myself. I am so grateful to you. I don't think you have a full picture of the impact you have.
I'm still learning from you and am improving each day. I no longer think that ending my participation in life, is a better option because I've been able to employ your good advice. Having a growing skill set is integral to surviving this. I do believe my narc can change. I've been doing a lot of reading and so I believe it's possible. I've seen the scale and while this is firmly entrenched in narcissism, I can maneuver through their moods and manage their behavior patterns, life would be a lot better for both of us. I also have (still building) a better support system. Not just in friends but I've also found things like artistic expression that help me cope and dump that harsher energies . This helps to feed my soul and that gives me clarity of vision. I have hope now. Even when my narc pulls his Asperger's and Autism cards.
I have a request. would you do a video on how to see earlier warning signs that an explosive fight is on the horizon? How can we and how to deescalate that process.
Narcissists are not comfortable with emotions !! That says everything !! Thanks Dr Ramani ❤
Literally today I was tearful. And they were so annoyed asking me what
Was wrong. We have literally discussed what is wrong again and again and they always behave like they are clueless. Shit gets annoying.
Very important topic to talk, awesome learnings today. Thank you so much Dr Ramani, blessings and peace to everyone ✨🙏✨
So true! Thanks Dr. Ramani for helping me in my recovery from narc abuse and in giving me tools to help me self improve and address my own history of toxicity, particularly emotional dysregulation. I will be listening to that section of this video again, plus the video in which she discuss core values and core beliefs.
Best wishes and Peace to all. 🙏. Stay strong and be proud of progress you make in life. ♥️🙏
Maybe you could do a video called "Justifying narcissism" and talk about the methods and manipulations they use to justify their toxic and destructive behaviours.
I'm just in the early stages of recognizing the narcissist behaviors of my partner and the trauma bonding patterns etc (my armchair diagnosis is mid range narcissism). I've just started to try to gently point things out. He has the words of contrition and wanting to change. I so hope it's authentic and possible and not manipulative. I know you prefaced the video with 'you can't get narcissists to change' but I keep thinking throughout this amazing video that if I could just show him this it would be so helpful. It's all the things I've been trying to bring to his awareness. I feel like the word 'narcissist' is such an overused insult these days that it will make him immediately defensive and triggered to where he won't be able to take it in. Maybe I can find a way.....
Hello Dr Ramani , your a miracle. I've been down for months with guilt, regret, serious depression. Until a friend mention that may be I was in a narcissist relation... My lady. I did investigate and, to my surprise up have opened my eyes to the situation. Now it's clear to me and a light at the end of the tunnel. I thank you dearly !!!??
Dearly !!!!!!
No comment because of flying monkeys
Ha ha ha ha haha ha!😂😂
😂😂😂
That's me every day. I would love to comment, contribute, support, but nope bc flying monkeys. They are always Data Gathering.
40:31 I’m on the autistic spectrum gotten better over the years in terms of active listening it is some thing I’m still working on, This is a nice reminder
I'm just grateful that I have 0 then. I used to get told I don't care by people who don't care. Nobody knows everything and nobody is kings, queens etc. I've been around people who go on about others who are narcissistic and I personally don't say anything. Even therapists need to be wary that they can be narcissistic too. There's videos of diagnosed narcissists who speak about what they go through and what type of people they are. Personally, I believe everyone is entitled to sn opinion, but it's up to the other person how they react. I remember a couple of weeks ago, a coworker told me the supervisor was stupid etc and the supervisor was telling me the coworker was stupid etc. I didn't need that drama as I had just started on the job. I spoke to the supervisor that I didn't want to do a particular job his way and he didn't like that (I had my reasons) and he took it to another level and got our boss involved and instantky took his side without seeing it from mine. If I acted like thst drama at sea cadets I'd be pulled back in line if I acted like petulant child (Which I have seen from a supervisor from my last workplace ). You let them know that what they're acting like isn't exactly professional, they then tell me I have a personality issue. I keft jobs when they act like that. Didn't want to be around their dramatics.
Hi Lisa how are you doing 😊
I only believe people are entitled to their opinions in conjunction with my belief that there is a time and a place for everything. If their opinion is negative, the place for it is as far away from me as possible. 🫸🫸🫸
@@andrewfarrar741I guess it depends on the situation where negative is required, because we do that for reviews of things. If it were unfair negativity where it's not necessary, then absolutely with leaving the opinion to one's self.
@@oneofthegoodonesok Absolutely! We 👍 agree! In _that time and place,_ if the thing being reviewed is worthy of only 1 ⭐, I would opine it is *actually wrong* to give it a different rating or even to "try to be nice" about the truth in a way that isn't completely authentic.
I actually find great comfort when I think about “what did I contribute to the relationship”, because I can tell you right now, most of the greatness that we had was because of me. I made all those awesome things happen, I put my head down and got to work to make things comfy, cozy, peaceful. I know that I can have a great relationship in future if I can find someone who matches my fervour
Lots of Kings and Queens walking around America. :)
I caught on to my ex narc, who came home picking for a fight. I got a $5 from my purse (a lot back then) and told him I did nothing wrong, and if he wanted a fight, he could go down to the pool hall and find one. He never pulled that trick again. Of course, he found more tricks and traps, but I learned to keep a little cash on hand to send him off.
Awww.... I saw kitty cat.... Super sweet 🐾🐾🐾
I've got BPD, and one way I've tried to mitigate validation seeking (after cutting social media) was to stop going out to dance at night clubs every weekend. Now when I do go, I challenge myself to remain sober all night (so far 100% track record!), and I go just to dance, not looking for anyone to make out or hook up with. It seems odd but that was a hard adjustment to make. Fulfilling though!
Don’t give any Narcisist a chance. You yourself once said that. I would highly recommend against fooling oneself multiple times. Again.
If it is not in front of you, overtime, then it is false. They will use computer screens to fool everyone
Thank you so much Ramani. This series helps me so much look at the bigger picture. It is reassuring to know for sure that I am not narcissistic... because this doubt has been making me crazy. But also it gives me a lot of pointers to solve my dysregulation and emotional issues, and to become a better person.
Divorce is never the way out, My wife and I have been having issues before I sort out help from a spiritual adviser,i wasnt going to let my marriage of 18years crash
amazing,i am kinda in a similar situation,how did you handle it?
@@DailamiPuang well not the orthodox way but i was referred by a friend to a spiritual adviser and healer
@@GregMunro please how can i get in touch with the spiritual adviser?
@@DailamiPuang her name is SHELLY RENEE WHITE,and she is a great spiritual adviser as well as caster
you can look her name up online and you will find all you need.
Dr Ramani yes to all questions you asked at start and I love your knowledge
Being grateful for what you have while working towards whatever you want to achieve i think it's one way of dealing with envy.Understanding that our journeys of life are different is also one way.I live by these!😊
I do think some narcissistic or toxic people can change but not all of them. My husband use to have the worst rage and would rage at all of us in the house and say none of us care about him. Say horrible stuff to us while raging but to others not in the house like friends and family he wood act helpful and caring. This went on for 10 years the last 3 years i can tell he is really trying and doesnt rage on us anymore.
He might have anger issues and not be a narcissist
My ex was addicted to social media and dating sites, at least he told me he had addictions but it sounded like he was trying to play the victim or justify his repeated infidelity, blaming the disrespectful and toxic behavior on a disease that he couldn't manage. But that is how he got validation and he need so much of it constantly. No matter how much I validated him, it didn't seem enough. And I didn't validate his unhealthy behaviors and thoughts while he wanted me to validate everything, so he was often angry with me and unhappy with me.
she is a realistic person she tell's it like it is i just love it
It’s really about being human. Great insight and help!
Can you please do one on how to raise young kids. I see so many people raising entitled kids and it’s a narcissist waiting to happen
Yes
Narcissists in the making
YES 💛 Thank you so much Dr.Ramani. Xx
24.48 And psychosis is NOT narcissism 🕊️xx
Listen folks, you have a frontal lobe. 😂 Dr. Ramani is also a great comedian 😅
29:56 oh my god it was so anxiety-producing every morning waking up and not knowing if there would be a massive email in my inbox explaining my selfish motives for things I had done over the past several weeks, even though I didn't think of my actions that way.
Yes he always makes it somehow someone's attitude or "how they conduct themself "
Dr. Ramani, could you touch on why im always saying "Did you hear anything i just said" and why hes always saying " what are you talking about?" I will quite literally feel proud about how i expressed myself and he will respond with something that has nothing to do with what i just said, OR he will pick a word i said and not use his context clues and ask what it means, or if i call him my husband he'll not respond to what i just said and focus in making sure i know he feels that hes not my husband. And its becoming increasingly common for him to act like he has no idea what im talking about and always talking about how im living in the past. I dont live in the past, i am using my experience and patterns to explain why im so intolerant to how hes treating me. I have narcissistic tendencies but I am always trying to not be that way, or on hard days apologizing vehemently for it. It really seems like he believes im the problem, needs me to be neurotic, angry and paranoid and he'll never apologize. He gets calm after I get heated. I don't understand how if two people want to make something work how we can never be on the same page.
Needed this today, thank you Dr. Ramani ❤
Thank you! Thank you! This video was a blessing to those of us who guinuenly need the help of regulating. I'll save this one in my top 10
Does anyone feel like Will I ever be able to feel happiness again will I ever be happy again after being with a maligant narcissist? I struggle. Four months out and no contact. I feel like the light and joy has been sucked out of me.
I went through that so I know what you mean. You will. Easier said than done but forgive yourself, heal from the inside out.. find joy again in small things. Sometimes a life change is in order like moving, school, or career change. Pets can bring comfort and joy. Take care of yourself, eat well. You’ll get there. I think it’s about feeling safe again.
@@abigailkendrick oh thanks so much so sweet of you to answer. Yes… feeling safe.. i think mostly also within my self.. having to learn to start trusting myself again as I have been gaslighted so much it feels like a concussion 🤕. And learning to trust other people again. .. I just lost… dont know.. so many things in this relationship… Feeling like an empty shell while he is out there living his best life with his new supply and left me for dead. It costs me my career friendships health. But esp my joy and hunger for life. Thanks I will try to take it slow day by day 🙏🏻❤️
Thank you very much 🙏 for making this video just for me.
Many times in the video, Dr Ramani gives the advice to "stop and think" before doing ...... it would be great to have another video on "How to interrupt yourself" from angry reaction. For some, the angry reaction is pretty much automatic, so the guidance is tough to follow without the 'how'.
Agreed Dr. R. Entitlement is always at the Forfront of Narcissism. It shines like a Light in a LightHouse. Always present always pushing everything out of thr way, wanting president. And believe me, the Narcissist will let you know when they feel that their needs are not being met, but never interested in your needs.
Dr ramani you iust answered most of my questions from my four year relationship with a narc…I wish I discovered you earlier… What do you call brushing away difficult emotions by a narc? I was only allowed to focus on the “positive “ stuff and he would say omg youre so dark or this music’s too dark or the news too depressing he just couldnt handle anything outside of partying laughing enjoying (yes drugs sex alcohol) and would freak out about the downs of life. Just couldnt deal with it. Is that the disregulation aspect? And yes he was using drugs alcohol and became either soft and loving or mean as a devil and vomiting his rage and frustration and everything on me . Like a psychopath threatening to kill me and shit. And had broken up with previous girlfriends cause they were going through grieve of a parent etc. 😳 is this narcissistic or drug enduced? And a cause of disregulation? Thechicken egg dilemma… is he a devil cause of the drugs or a devil cause of …he just is… Thank you
2:03 Oh, this video was made for me.
More like strategic or faux empathy
All people are unique but they're not special. It couldn't be the case because then the word special will have lost all meaning. Telling people that they're special, using terms like "my/your truth" which is also a misnomer because theres no such thing, and excessive self focus from large swaths of the therapeutic enterprise is making narcissism worse.
We've never had more people going to therapy and at the same time never had a more narcissistic culture.
I truly believe most therapists make it worse, and given the hourly rates of a therapy session it takes a truly moral person to be a good therapist which is one who doesn't want to keep taking your money, they wish to help you fix the problem and have you get on with your life.
The obvious problem is that being good at that is like making high quality durable products in almost any industry, which results in a loss of a revenue stream because consumers, or patients in this case, no longer need the product or service required.
Before this relationship,i have never been told i interrupt people. I am sure i have just not regularly. I have always been told i am a good listener. The narc in my life started yelling at me regularly about interrupting. At first i would say i didn't i was trying to have a conversation with you. Share my point of view. So i finally stopped talking for the most part and started paying attention to the times i did say something. Making sure i didn't interrupt and still got yelled at. Doing this has gone a very long way to help me brake away from this person. I still have to have them in my life but at a distance.
Envy needs to be addressed ( knowing you do love them) if you love a child, a teen or an adult.
Keeping people waiting 30 minutes just to make sure they look more important….
25:29 Ok, phew, something that means I am not the worst of the worst! I _never_ believed I have been entitled to just 🤬 rage 🤬 🗣️ out.
You're such an amazing person. Thank you.
That bit about core beliefs making us act poorly hit home hard
I’ve lived with a narcissist for 32 years. I have these disregulated moments having awful meltdowns trying to not drown in the midst of being ignored and not heard. My behaviour scared me regardless of how the other person is or how he treats me. Didn’t mean I had to lower myself to behave in such a way. I would disappear after this meltdown for days. I would just sleep and want to be left alone wondering how I can remove myself from this situation permanently. I went to therapy and have decided separate from my narcissistic husband. I’m still very confused still frightened. Still feel very much alone. But at least the stresses have been removed. I need to heal. I need to figure all this out. Will I ever figure all this out. Is it my fault. I don’t know. I do know I’ve become very self absorbed so I can survive. Is that an excuse? I don’t know.
Thank you, this really helps ❤
Wish more people had some tips to give us.
How come not liking waiting in line is a form of a narcissism? There are other reasons why some people don't like waiting in line. One, a hectic life. Another reason, health reasons, etc etc, it doesn't always have to be narcissism.
Thanks for all the good things you have done,
Bro fucking with a narcissist is like walking into a barbed wire traffic covered asphalt.
It's the expecting part that gets me
Blessings, thank you Dr. Ramani. ❤
That's what I do: writing notes instead of messages. Since I broke contact with my narcissistic boyfriend. No contact now for over a month. Wrote about once a week a note. Feels like keeping a diary. But it stays with me. Feels good 👍
Learning so much from this channel ❤thank you
Love the advice to narcissists on how to regulate and be better people. Could have done without the “we can’t always have what we want/ we learn that when we’re two.”
Thank you for your videos and you are right about getting out of the relationship with a narcissistic person and going no contact is what I did but everyone might not be able to do that.
22:27 I paused the video and groaned because I can just sense this next thing is not going to be easy
I hate waiting in line. I hate being stuck in traffic. However I would never try and get to the front of the line knowing others have been waiting longer.
Yes I am special but no more than or no less than anyone else.
I only have two issues in which my narcissism flares up-when I’m around someone more intelligent or artistically talented. To avoid being seen as stupid, I’ll avoid conversations on intellectual/political topics. To avoid humiliation and frustration, I avoid drawing (and showing my work) even though I love to draw. On the rare occasion I do show it, it’s accompanied by five minutes of apologies on my part (and savagely berating anything I do).
I’d like to know how to accept putting out creative work that isn’t award-winning caliber. Hell, I’d just like to get rid of the fear of embarrassment in general.
Inly one way
Accept it
I feel like the narcissist would have told all of them how great you were at drawing and bragging about it but making excuses as to not draw or show them your drawings. Insecurity does not mean your narcissistic.
@@michellegirau8136 Well, I suspect I’m the more covert variety, so it’s possible my berating my work is a subconscious way of eliciting praise.
1:30 Thank you Doctor Ramani 🫶
Oh boy I’ve got all kinds of these situations. I’m not big on complaining but sometimes people think I’m a robot or something. Past friends, coworkers, employers, etc. 😅😊