Things I hate about small talk: Not knowing how to start a conversation a new person, not knowing how to keep the conversation going, not knowing how to end the conversation when I'm done, not being able to tell if the other person is done, not knowing if the other person is being funny or serious, not knowing if the other person is actually interested or just being polite, trying to figure out if I'm giving too much information, and then of course wondering at the end of it all if I actually accomplished anything useful through all my floundering around.
Same here. But I have found that not caring what other ppl think helps a lot.....easier said than done though. Ive been working on it for many years and made much progress, but i still dont like it and it makes me uncomfortable.
Group conversations are the worst. The topics change so quickly, and when you finally think of something to add to the current topic, it changes, and you refrain from saying what you wanted to say because you don't wanna sound stupid... I'm able to talk in a group of 3 now, and the best way to do it is to steer the conversation by being the most talkitive one. Anything more than 2 other people is too much for me to handle
NT people don't seem to think about small talk, they just do it. Maybe we should just learn to do the same. Try not to worry about what comes out. Good communication skills and politeness are learned anyway so it's a skill that can be acquired if you want to. However, NT's are so afraid of anything or anyone that deviates from the norm that I think it's good to disrupt their sense of reality.
Omg EXACTLY. If the person doesn't know you and they're trying to get to know you small talk is the way to go!although I didn't understand the reason behind it now I do thanks to you!
@@qwertyx333 It's a reassuring ritual, just learn the ritual variants and such I guess. The only thing I need to remind myself is that it's important to Them. They get spooked if they can't, you know?
"How are you?" catches me off guard every single time. My brain goes "quick give him a short summary of how I am. I'm doing really bad right now. I worry about so many things... but I'm supposed to say 'good, how are you?'. But how can I say that? I feel bad! That would be a total lie!" There is no response I can give that we both will be happy with. Because I still don't fully understand why people ask questions you're not meant to answer truthfully and why that is considered a friendly thing.
I've learned to tell people that I'm alive and staying that way. it is the most neutral thing to tell people, and while people tend to be a little puzzled or get what you mean and not inquire if you only say "I'm alive", adding on that you're going to stay that way implies something more positive that I've found most people give their hearty "oh I tell ya" or whatever and move on. decent way to tell a completely factual truth without stepping too far out of social bounds
George Carlin did a bit on this subject. Hilarious! His ideas when asked “how are you” are: “I’m not unwell” (makes them have to think), or “I’m moderately decent” (my personal favorite). It feels CRAPPY to say “I’m fine! (How are you?). He said only once in his life he was really “fine and dandy”. and no one asked him that day!!! Lol
This, so much. And when they go on and it's little, mundane things, or repeat because they want to keep going. And I am dying inside trying to be nice.
Absolutely - I got told that parties are for ' having fun ' not talking about serious things - as if sequential short, pointless conversations are remotely fun.
A (probably) autistic friend of mine actually makes real little sounds. Weird but funny, and if somebody gets scared, she goes on to talk perfect human language which does the job of disarming them :)
I'm the type of person who will answer "not much" or "same as usual" when people ask what's going on. I think the reason is because over time I've come to believe that people aren't really interested in hearing about my life or the things I'm passionate about, so I've been sort of conditioned to give a boring answer. Maybe that's just my own issue and not related to autism. If it were up to me, conversations would allow me to really discover a person and what's interesting about them, and not be a mundane social dance.
I answer "not much" or something similar as a sign I don't want to have that conversation, but sometimes people interpret it as "please proceed with the tale of *your* boring day and don't forget the details and the exhaustive dialogues". I guess I'm not on the spectrum but small talk is something I will avoid as much as I can.
I am on the spectrum, and I am the same - I have been conditioned to believe that people don't want an authentic person or a real answer, what they want is you to say you're ok and say all the 'normal' things to make them feel comfortable. Society is entirely about being a robot and 'pretending to be boring'. That's what people expect of you.
Its also for me that all persons here seem the same with the same interests and topics The only topics are woman, the job and making fun of each other I always try to be nice and people literally say to me stop being nice and say them that they are bad at their jobs (which they arent in my opinion). Idk i had one colleague that i could talk so much with that had so interesting topics, but for some reason everyone hates him and calls him professor. Idk i wish there where more diverse people
For me, when ever someone tries small talk me, I get upset at first, then angry a bit later... Probably the reason is "why are you using up my energies for completely useless talk?!"
I've sometimes watched people having utterly meaningless conversations where neither party listens, and both leave none the wiser, while imagining they met someone
My therapy counselor asked me: Do you know why people small-talk? Like, which function/purpose do small-talk have? Me: I believe the reason for small talk is to minimize the plausibility of awkwardness. Her: Yeah, but most people are utilizing it to establish some kind of relation/connection between each other. Me: Oh... Really? o.O Long story short: At the time of writing this, I’m currently waiting to receive the exact start date for my ASD/Asperger screening.
Whenever I’m in a situation where there is potential for small talk in my brain I am going “please don’t talk to me, please don’t talk to me, please don’t talk to me” .... it is physically painful sometimes... “hi how are you” “good thanks how are you” “good...” now what!!!!! Just want the ground to swallow me whole!
This is why I avoid parties. The idea of standing in a room for three hours making small talk with people who are pretending to be friendly leaves me cold. I call it orchestrated bullshit.
The good news is in most social events you can still just start to engage more in conversation with one person or a couple of people, not just endlessly wandering around making pointless small talk with everyone. It’s probably considered somewhat rude not to, but I have a lot more fun when I do what I just described.
Ever notice how many neuro-typicals have very poor socials skills and no empathy?? I do not have autism. Am an empath-so my neurology is different. Have my own challenges. Noise, crowded places==need for solitude etc. Find that many "autistics" don't beat around the bush, which I relate too well.
One thing I found out is that NT's feel connected just by the solely act of talking, not interchanging ideas, just sharing the words and some attention from the counterpart (which is nonsense to us). Very related to that is that most NT's don't even listen until it's their turn to talk. I learned to be hypervigilant to other people's facial cues and can't help but immediately shut up when I find the other person threw a question to get me talking, but they aren't really interested in the answer. In my country it is very common (even expected) to talk to strangers in the street, for example, if you're waiting on a line or something. Total torture! You get the 'proud-thinks-is-better-than-us' label right away for not being able to participate in that script.
Yes, your input is only to trigger them to remember another one of their stories.. when they ask u a question, it's not to learn, only to fill a gap in their schema.
(ND here) I like talking just to talk if i really like the person. We could be exchanging emojis and i would have that warm fuzzy feeling of being connected to them. However by this point i have obviously gotten to know them a fair bit and decided that I liked them.
When I was a teenager I actually believed that the world was like The Matrix, and that most people were just scripted A.Is, and that I could tell the difference between them and real humans, because their programming was a bit mundane and fit into the program, and that humans were more diverse. I actually thought it was my job to round up all the real humans, so typically I used to walk around the school and look for other kids who sit alone, and reach out to them, and introduce them to my other loner friends that I found. Eventually we were a group of over 30 "weird kids", and anyone who felt like an outcast was free to join our group. It just goes to show, that if losers form a group together, they can be just as "cool" as the popular kids
That is amazing ! Very impressive leadership at such a young age I have done something similar in my local gym , there are multiple social groups and I have dipped into all of them , it's as if I'm a group breaker , I think people are very interesting and I really advocate for inclusivity ! I speak to all of them and I hope it reflects that outside of your groups other groups are just as valid or cool !
What made you let go of the Matrix idea, I mean: isn´t that exactly how it is? For me I was saved by a bunch of funny kids, an organisation in my natal Sweden called "Fältbiologerna", "the field biologist"; we were absolute nerds knowing the latin name of 300 bugs and 20 dragonflies, all the birds´sound and the flowers down to the smallest straw of grass... Plus struggled to save the world from greenhouse gases and pollution long before Greta Thunberg was even thought of. I felt at home there, even if it was a struggle socially, as always.
How right you are. I know people that can carry this on for hours without revealing one substantial thing about themselves or any other subject. How and why🙄?
The day I learnt "people like to talk about themselves" was a game changer 🤣. I also like to have exit strategies if the conversation isnt going anywhere, like "do you know where the bathroom is?" Or "I am going to go get a drink" and usually they have moved on to another person or group by the time I return.
You just told it Perfect! As Asperger women, mother, with Autism son, and Asperger best friend( men), we actually are happy, we fit together perfect. We talk aut things. We don't lie, we can manage our needs, time, hobbies and life. His lifestory is emotional abuse, and constant rejection. I helped him see that not all people gonna lie or left him just because he don't get thing done properly. If he mess up, i will tell what was hurting me, and why, and he will not do it agan, and now, he know's that i will not do things that hurt's him. I do believe in two people who want things work.
I say often "nothing much" as I don't like the answer when I say the truth. When good things happen and I was sharing it, the people didn't seem to be happy with me, but looked more peed off than before I said anything. When I shared that I was having a not very good week, most time I was being told that I was too negative, or should look at the bright side,,... like anything I say is not the answer I supposed to give, so I keep saying "nothing much, how about you" and turn it away form me completely.
Yes 100%. If you go on about how happy you are, people find you insufferable very quickly. If you say you're depressed, it's the same. So it's just easier to avoid being hated by saying the generic 'good thanks are you?'
That's precisely why I stick to small talk in those kind of situations. Like office small talk. I consider it making a connection in the morning like a computer does when it turns on. "Hi, how are you? I'm good. Thanks You? I'm fine too. Cheers." is exactly the same to me as IP REQUEST > DHCP OFFER > OFFER ACCEPTED > CONNECTION CONFIRMED. If I throw anything extra into the syntax I'm just gonna get an error or a warning, or have a bad connection. I'll get nothing extra out of sharing my feelings and I'll get nothing out of the small talk, so why not get to the nothing the easier and shorter way, without upsetting anyone. It makes sense, because you need to have some sort of relationship with a person (like you have % in the Sims) before they are interested in your feelings. It makes sense why an office colleague whom you barely know might not be interested in your inner struggles. I find that once you bond with someone like an office colleague enough for them to care they will ask something like "Hey man, you ok? You seem a bit off today" and this will leave you no doubt.
Small talk feels so disingenuous, even though I know it’s a necessary evil towards (hopefully) making meaningful connections with people. What I struggle with the most is how small talk leaves me feeling. I love engaging in big meaningful conversations with people, where the talk might start at one point then usually veer in several meandering directions about music, then life and the universe etc, because afterward I feel energised - whereas small talk leaves me feeling incredibly drained, and as if I’ve betrayed myself somehow. But I can’t help having fun with small talk sometimes (usually to gauge if the person I’m talking to has a sense of humour, and to test if they’re actually listening), by responding to the ubiquitous ‘what do you do?’ question with responses like, ‘I taste yoghurt for a living.’ 🤥
What I get most out of this channel is learning about neurotypicals. I still can't wrap my mind around the idea that most people are capable of enjoying small talk, but it's an excellent thing to know. Thank you.
Right?? I thought it was something everyone secretly hated but accepted as a necessary evil. The fact that a lot of people genuinely enjoy it is mind-blowing.
@@YukiTombo people love boasting how they value honesty only to feel offended when someone actually tells them the truth. like, cool that the yesterday's rain was a significant event in your life experience, Karen, but I'm tired of hearing the same BS every singe day. people genuinely don't care how others are, so why bother pretending to care about them? extroverts ardently argue how important small talk is, yet they act grossed out when they get what they asked for, and automatic compulsive "finehowareyou" is the default response.
I've learned to just dive straight into a conversation and letting folks be uncomfortable if that's how they feel, they can always walk away from the conversation and I've found that a lot of folks appreciate the bypassing of small talk.
I think it was George Orwell who described small talk as like choking on talcum powder. I loathe and detest small talk. It's stupid and unnecessary. It wastes time and is an effort. I literally hate talking to people now as I feel like running away screaming 😱 It sucks the energy out of me like nothing else does. I find if you can get someone to start talking about themselves and just smile and nod at intervals, that keeps them happy. I get zero out of it, but at least it involves minimal effort. It's pathetic and like dealing with children really. I feel like I have to humour them.
I love how you are not like other channels that just talk about autistic traits in every video. You focus on the emotional and mental aspects and show the human side of us as autistic individuals
For the life of me, i can never hold small talk. After my first turn of speaking, i never know what to say in any situation. Whether if it starts with a compliment, a question, or etc.
"It just feels fake...it feels like going through the motions" - that is exactly how I feel about it. At the same time, it is hard work, keeping to the script and giving the right responses, just so the other person can feel comfortable. I can think of few worse things that being at some sort of "get together", and having to do it for an extended period, with multiple people. In my job it is necessary to do this at things like conferences and events, and it is just torture, and exhausting.
100% agree. Worst situation for me was working in big offices. You see the same people over and over again but you haven't anything to say to them in the first place. What the heck should you say if you meet them the fifth time in the hallway?! Or worse - in the elevator where you can't escape it.
I laughed and was so amused, how true, I guess I broke the rules now. When some one ask's "how are you", there not really interested, we know that, so I do answer honestly but analysing there humour, "tired, middle aged and grumpy". Your clips are such a connection for me, thankyou. Troy.
@@katarinavomdach We have "plaudern". Comes from the old word for "Rauschen", which has no real englisch translation outside of acustics, where it is "noise". And this is what it feels like for me, sometimes like the murmur of a brook and sometimes like the enerving swooshing sound of the Sea.
Can completely relate to this. I happen to be an elementary school teacher and some of the most enjoyable conversations I have are with my students. Eight year olds are particularly interesting, engaging and funny. You can go from small talk to all sorts of interesting topics and they're right there with you!
4:10 is the reason both my first true friendships failed, they stopped having rewarding social interactions with me and relied on small talks or pouring out the small dramas of their lives. I was only giving, giving, and never got anything back that made me feel good too, anymore.
Regarding 4:00 onward. I think NTs don't consciously follow the script - the just do without realizing. Often they aren't even aware there is a script and think they talk spontaneously / improvise. I found that out while studying conversation analysis and the concept of adjecency pairs and eventually scripts was introduced. All I learned from that was being able to put a name to it. - But to most other students it seemed like some big revelation. When the prof said that these conventions and scripts and sequences are essentially automatically absorbed while being socialised without even noticing it felt like a punch in the face - it was hard work for me trying to make sense of all the things people say and do and figure out the scripts, to collect them and hopefully eventually have a suitable script for every possible situation (heck, that's why I chose to study language. To finally figure out how it works).
What I’m beginning to realize is, as long as you can feel some measure of sincere curiosity, kindness or genuine feeling behind what’s being said, the words don’t matter as much
Hillarious. I'm from Germany and this is literally how I felt being new to Australia. People used to go "how are you?" and I would actually take it as a real question.
So true. After many many years I realised I blurted out more than required for small talk questions and some people misuse the extra info. And I literally took it when someone said Thank you you beautiful/ honey.The first time I heard it, I was like Why did they say, what rights have they got to describe me it is just the first time they saw me.. I used to avoid them. Then realised it was scripted and used by many many many and just smiled back If someone says that.
After a lifetime of masking and scripting I am shocked at how much I have had to endure and how much I have had to adapt to stay marginally (ca. 80%) operative within the social order - disorder! Thanks so much for wisdom mate.
@@giftedgreen2152 Why do many on here, talk in a rude way about people who are not Autistic ?? Im beginning to find it offensive..Even the term typical....when each individual is unique ... I HATE small talk as it is superficial and boring.. I love in depth conversations with intelligent, deep thinking people...therefore I choose to not have many friends... I am unique....Each person is unique....There are way too many labels and divisions
@@IwasBlueb4 Labels are very useful, one shall just remember that they're not to be confused with reality itself. I find it relieving to see the roles reversed. Assigning a label to a majority. I like and I don't think it's a big deal. Labels are just labels. :)
I've gotten good at getting people to talk about themselves. I am lauded as a great listener, very empathetic. Of course, I can't get people to ask about me! Even superficial stuff. I give up.
Thank you for making these videos. I watch your videos and feel like, "YES! He's describing me and my experience. I didn't know anyone else understood how I felt in these situations." I'm only just learning that I have autism. My son has been diagnosed and I'm only just realizing just how autistic I am. I just thought I was broken, weird, lazy, high-stress, PTSD, emotionally difficult, worthless, etc. I'm not any of those typical stereotypes. I'm autistic. Thank you so very, very, very much! Now I can research more about this and learn some strategies to cope with my difficulties! This is all I've ever wanted. Thank you so much!
Remember that feeling when you're a little kid and your parent bumps into someone out in public and they make small talk while you just stand there and wait and it feels like FOREVER? For me it's like that but I'm forced to be part of the conversation. It's torture. I think I need to learn more to persist and get through to that proper connection and real conversation!
The first 50 seconds of the video is me dead on, the rest not really. I'm a blunt, direct person who KEEPS IT REAL..I don't do fake and don't care who's feelings get jarred to a point. This train keeps moving with those who are genuine to me and GET-ME, the rest are dust in the wind...~~~~~~~~Thank you for doing this video, the first 50 seconds makes so much sense and clarifies how I feel and think.
@@Nostalgicguy2242 I only hang around people i know i RELATE to...the six foot girls I'm figuring you mean volleyball players..we relate so I'm good plus I'm 6'5" so they are short to me.
I just default to filler statements I used to over hear my grandmother use on the phone. I’m not invested or listening at all but I’m spouting a phrase in every pause, “really? I didn’t know”, “oh my gosh”, “oh I believe it”, “then what happened”, “ragweed pollen is high today” 😂😂 the answer for how are you is “I’m fine” because I’ve learned that isn’t a genuine question, it’s just a dull script, I actually prefer it because I feel like I otherwise overshare or make people uncomfortable. I’ve become super scripted when I’m stuck in a superficial conversation? No one wants substance anymore
Conversation is an art. It is creative. I just don't have the energy to put into trying to get to know people. Most people are closed off and its just too much effort if they aren't willing to meet half way. Then most times when they open up its so boring, I could poke myself in the eye to make me feel better.
Here's my sequence: Make a galant attempt to socialize. Go to a get-together. Listen to small talk. Get ground to a pulp by the inane blather. Get antsy. Act out, by making jokes, using sarcasm, of flat-out calling BS. Group gets angry and gangs up. I fight back. Gathering gets blown to smithereens. People go home angry with me. Have to hear about it for a week or two. Repeat.
I see we are clones, my trick is never ride share to a party, always drive alone, keep keys in pocket and coat in sight, make a splash become obnoxious irritate everyone early, find your moment, no one looking front door in sight, screw good byes probably never invited back anyway, in the car finally relaxed ~~ to home with dog ~~
I’ve been there, but my strategy is generally not to get engaged in convo with the entire group, but to pair off with someone else who also doesn’t really like small talk, or with a couple of other people, & basically make my own small social group within the group. If there is literally not one other person there to talk with about anything meaningful, I’m wasting my time there anyway & will find a way to leave.
I used to joke that cocktail parties give me hives. I have always found small talk downright painful. Years ago, believing I had social anxiety, I forced myself into a job where I had to make small talk with the public on a regular basis and even literally had to attend cocktail parties as part of the job. It was very difficult for me but it did help me learn to get used to it and fear it a bit less. Over the last year, both of my teens were diagnosed with asd (& previously also had diagnoses of adhd, as well) and the more I learn about it, the more I’m starting to realize I very likely am on the spectrum as well. This channel has been so helpful. Thank you for sharing your experiences and knowledge!
Yea this is so real and a relief To hear cant stand small talk I got dyslexic and dyspraxia And its hard to talk to people I need a real reason to speak
Yes! Oh my....this is too much, it's all being confirmed, and I'm bowled over. This is my life for...well, forever. It feels like dying--yes, exactly like lying, and disappearing into a vast black gulf of nothingness inside.
One of my defaults now is to ask about their pets. People usually love gushing about their pets, or about a pet they had at some point. I have gotten better at small talk thanks to service jobs, but lord knows it's exhausting. I want to know about what you're passionate about!! But to other people, THAT'S exhausting to dredge up if they're not prepared for it... at least according to my parents.
My answer to when people asked how I was doing when I was working at Tim Hortons: "Well.. I'm still working here, but about as good as I can be I suppose./smile". It delivers something real/relatable, without being awkward/offputting. Though that was more to the regulars, and those that I could tell had some personality. To those that looked like their personality as as dry as our day old donuts, or that they were just in a hurry, I'd just feed them the regurgitated bs "I'm GREAT, and you?!"
my only outlet these days are on the internet.... the only safe place i have to express whats really going on in the depths of my mind... i do not have to worry about the small talk here and there is no confusing body language that seems to contradict what they are trying to express... i feel trapped within my mind around people.... on here i am free to express what i think
Yes, that's a really good point, especially as I find it much easier to express myself by writing rather than talking. Even my Aspie son has stopped replying to my emails, and everyone else I know prefers to talk on the dreaded phone, so the internet it is, lol!
This is so true! This was very insightful for me to understand MY OWN BRAIN lol. I find that NTs are very uncomfortable with silence when they first meet someone and so they rely on small talk to gauge social distance and create a sense of trust/safety. I notice that the silence becomes unnerving for both parties involved since neither of us know how to interact with one another to gauge that social distance.
I want to thank you so much for taking the time to make informative videos. They have really helped me to understand further my nephews autism and interact with him in ways that help us both grow. We have missed many years together and now that he is adult im figuring out to meet him where he is as a adult. You are truly amazing and I wish you, and whoever is reading this the best and happiness in all you do!
You nailed the description of the small talk scenario. I call it robot speak and I refuse to be forced to participate when someone tries to force me to say the lines from their script, from their reality.
As of now I only know skyrim. I'm a sony loyalist. I was against elder scrolls because "it's xbox." My ol lades got it for me for Christmas a couple years ago and she showed disappointment because I haven't played it. So I got to playing it a few months ago. It's an alright game. Personally I feel it's better than red dead because they didn't make it seem like they're burrying the first game. Red dead revolver exists. Anyway. That's how good I'm at with small talk. Have a good day.
Thank you! Now I might actually figure out what the hell I'm supposed to say. I'll just roleplay as an NPC. "How are you?" "I used to be an adventurer like you...."
I totally loved this video. I'm never bored. I just be me and get people to tell me the most personal hilarious stories, which I keep private as I know its a privilege to hear. I love honesty and no bullshit. If people are wearing a mask and don't reveal who they truly are I move on. If they are mean I move on fast. Kindness and laughter and living in the moment. Thanks for being you, I loved your video!!😁
I burned out, trying to "deliver" the normal / social guy experience for 20 years. I invested huge amounts of energy to reach a deep / meaningful level with potentially 2-3 good friends, but it cost me so much, then I ran out and crashed. And when you realize, with what superficial level people are content, that's really frustrating. Not being able to deliver the scripted small-talk stuff, stresses out immensely. I don't want to hurt people's feelings, so I usually try to pay the bill and deliver something that makes them happy and feel accepted, but it's just paying all the time. I never get deep and rewarding discussions out of it. They notice, that I don't like the script, but don't understand what's happening. And yes, it's a nasty fake feeling, when you go through scripted lines, it feels dishonest and ridiculous. Most times I ask myself "we are talking, that's a chance. why not tell me something meaningful about you, that defines you, that inspires you, ANYTHING meaningful !?". I don't want to invest 2-5 years of small talk for a 5% chance of getting something meaningful out of it in the end... Sorry for ranting, my frustration level is quite high ..
Small talk actually fullfills many needs for NT individuals... the smalltalk helps them to answer a lot of different questions: is this person interested in getting to know me? Is he feeling positive or negative? (ít's shitty weather' vs 'well next week it will be sunny') Is he hostile or friendy? Does he communicate in a similar way (accent, personality)? Is he sober and sound minded? Is he hurried or not? Etc. :) I feel auti's need to know about this. It took me a loooong while to tolerate small talk, and I'm still really bad at it. But I have learned to appreciate the cunning ways in which NT's observe each other and play with the social scripts they are given.
Coming across this channel today and subscribed! I'm not diagnosed and even known to have the ability to socialize well making new friends and being talkative with old friends, or just going to a conference alone. But I die in constant small talks. I die in having to talk about one's self too! This is the part where I'm struggling the most here in Australia because the culture is BIG on SMALL TALK. Especially that English is my 2nd language, even if I'm often told "Your English is good!". Regardless, it's the currency of social acceptance. Especially when working with patients in the ward, while I juggle all these patient schedules and tasks having to talk to colleagues every minute and at every literal turn of our steps during the day, I am expected to small talk that takes A LOT of mental stamina to not be depleted at he end of the day. I have no probs in starting conversations and being friendly and giving lots of smile. It's the small frequent chats that's exhausting and hard to avoid. 🤷♀️
I find myself more comfortable dealing with small talk from behind a guitar or mandolin. I sometimes escape a boring conversation by starting up a sing-along tune.
I've developed a coping habit of digging my fingernails into my palm, under the table, just to provide an alternative stimulation to keep me conscious and present during these suffocating small-talk encounters.
How can you grow a plant unless you plant a seed. You don’t have to be fake. You can be cordious and you might get a seed. Any contact is good contact. If people react negatively, its their problem but your heart will speak for you
If you can learn to navigate a little small talk, the payoff is definitely worth it. However not all of us on the spectrum are capable of getting through it, so I understand the frustration. I am, but even I make clunky mistakes at times. Being able to laugh at yourself & move forward helps a lot. If people only want to stay at small talk though, I couldn’t care less about continuing to communicate with them unless I absolutely have to. I won’t be rude but I will not go out of my way to connect with someone who only can engage in small talk with me, at least not more than a brief hello & goodbye.
I think maybe you're ignoring the bit about how utterly boring, painful, draining and torturous it feels. It's not a neutral experience, it costs something.
"Talking point" - key phrase I agree with what you said about transitioning from small talk to actual conversation... A very general question like "What's been happening the last 1 1/2 years?" will overwhelm almost anyone, including neurotypicals. But if you manage to remember something or find out something about a person that's important to them and give them a reason to express themselves, both parties will be able to engage on a whole new level. If that doesn't work I also always try to tell about myself, staying concise and mentioning details I think are likely to appeal to a broad spectrum of people. Thanks for the great content and really helping many people to learn to translate from "neurotypical" and back again.
If this were just thrown at me, my answer would probably be that I can look at a ball of yarn, and design a sweater in my head. I'd know the steps I need and how to make it. I started crocheting when I was 4. I taught myself how to knit and how to Tunisian crochet. This is something I'm better at than other people. You could take this question and answer it with sarcasm or treat it like a hypothetical question. Even if you do treat it hypothetically, it reveals something about you and opens the door for other topics.
I find people like to talk about themselves, the weather, sport (their favourite team), music, movies, books, their families - as long as you listen to them most of the time they will be happy. I'm happy to listen to others.
just repeat everything they say back to them, like mirroring. person 'hi John how are you?' you ' fine how are you?' person 'i'm fine just washing the car' you 'you're washing the car?' person 'yes, we went to the countryside yesterday and the roads were more like dirt tracks' you 'like dirt tracks?' person 'yes they were so narrow and muddy, and I actually knocked my wing mirror off' you 'you knocked your wing mirror off?' person 'yes and now i'm going to have to take it to the a garage and get it fixed' you 'i know someone' person 'oh brilliant! thank you. its been so interesting talking to you' seems to work '
Your description of the pains of small talk is spot on. Thank you! I did read something a few years ago that I found helpful. Someone likened small talk to lobbing a tennis ball back and forth. As in, the feeling in small talk is supposed to be light and casual, and without intense thought. I like this analogy in getting into a 'small talk state of mind'. It's not something I prefer, and there is still the tricky bit of ending a conversation or transitioning into more depth.
As I have gotten wiser , it is important to people I care about.. so I chose to not feel excluded and participate to try and show that I do care. That my laughter at inappropriate times doesn't manipulate the situation. It was very tough when I was younger .I like to be validated also.
@KEPLER I believe now that nt's I just meet and they appear negative towards me is no fault of their's. Nt's personality and beliefs are learnt and not true due to survival and validity. They can be changed. Not my duty to do so but smiling at my expense my help to change their view toward...us
I'm 28, and was diagnosed at 23, but never really paid much attention to it until a few months ago, and from all the channels I've watched about the topic they just didn't feel right, but I feel like you describe most of my experiences perfectly. Your dread locks story reminds me of myself. I have an unusual last name, and that's usually an easy talking point my friends use to introduce me to new people but as I got older I just don't feel like telling the story of how those last names came together in Mexico as much anymore, so I just try to avoid the topic as much as possible, or just make up names to skip that part.
Well, there are subjects I'd love to talk about, except... They may cause reactions like: "don't be so OVERsmart!", "relax!", "take it easy!" So, it's better to ask people on the Internet on subjects, that interest me (psychology, physics, history etc), however, some might not have answers for now, like once I got told, it can't be answered, since nobody has come up with the theory of quantum gravity yet, so we still do not know if the space-time has some rigidity to it or not (I guess, if not, then even the smallest particles should cause gravity waves, which was my question - do they?).
This happens to me a lot at my job. I'm just passionate about what I do, but people tends to think I'm always trying to show off. I hate how basic their communication is, the only thing they can read is 'big monkey'/'small monkey' BS.
Small talker: What do you do? Me: I’m a security supervisor at the mall. Small talker: So you’re a mall cop. Me: No no no no. I’m not a mall cop. I’m mall security. They are very different things. They encourage vastly different outlooks which produce vastly different work results. If someone talked about how they wanted to be a mall cop in an interview, I wouldn’t hire them. *continue with extended rant*
I feel a bit opposite of that. I have a script for every different social situation that I have rehearsed before hand and if the social situation goes differently than my script I'm completely lost and feel like I need to get out of the situation lol. If someone asked me "what my superpower is" or "what makes me tick" I'd feel panic, not say anything and quietly leave the situation and never come back lol (this has happened to me I dropped a class in uni bc the other students tried to talk to me) the other end is when I get comfortable with someone I blurp out a really personal detail that I definitely didn't want to share with people but I couldn't keep my mouth shut and now I'm never coming back after that happened.
Although I have many Aspie traits myself, I always wonder about those who belittle smalltalk. I mean would you honestly just want a complete stranger to start talking to you about your deepest, darkest secrets? If not, then there's smalltalk or topical talk. When people smalltalk their just nervous and trying to ease into something deeper without risking making a fool of themselves. We do the same thing, just in a different way.
yes absolutely i would love to immediately dive into talking about something interesting and engaging, maybe that's oversharing or info dumping, but it's better than talking about the fucking weather lol "hi, how are you?" not great thanks for asking i'm recovering from a biopsy and the bandage adhesive gave me such a bad allergic reaction that the skin around the small incision they made looks ten times worse and it's so itchy that taking 2 benadryl did nothing. you?
Finding out you do something that freaks people out is a hard thing to realize. Especially when the last thing you want to do is harm someone or make someone feel bad.
When I was at university, there was a fellow who would ask questions like "what was the second best thing that happened to you today?" instead of the typical "how are you?" He explained that questions like the asking the second best thing meant that the person had to actually think about the answer instead of just giving the canned answers. What was interesting though, is what happened when I decided to do the same for him. I asked him a question similar to what he would ask me. He then became irritated and avoided me afterwards. I actually appreciated that he asked different questions; it was much more interesting.
Thank you so much for your videos, I feel like you’re the first person I’ve come across that actually makes sense. Watching your videos is like finally hearing a word that explains something you’ve been trying, and failing, to describe your whole life. Thank you!
I've taken it to the next level: I approach people by speaking frankly about the first thing that comes to mind, or by asking them super seriously how they are doing. Most people are very happy to find a free shrink, even in the middle of a party. 🤷🏼♀️ (I've noticed that if you dress smartly, your strangeness becomes beautiful in people's eyes, you become an original, someone people hope will come, and you’ll be super respected even if you tell awkward or too honest things).
It's worst at work. I can keep my mask on in focused in a professional meeting, but it is at the water cooler that my autistic side shows and I feel as I am constantly embaresing myself. Smalltak just feels like a risk every time I engage.
Small talk is just a way to test the waters of whether to engage in a real conversation with someone. It's like the preliminary step to building the foundation for a deeper conversation. Small talk is the mandatory step of establishing rapport. It's the first step of opening the door to a deeper conversation.
You say, “small talk is just a way to test the waters of whether to engage into real conversations with someone.” So if someone fails your test for small talk, I assume you will reject them by moving on and not engaging? Your answer got very few, little to no likes. Your answer is the reason why we autistic people are struggling with small talk. People like you make us feel like failures time and time again therefore we autistic’s feel more anxiety when someone tests us with small talk.
tl:dr - small-talk is full of meaning. The good thing about a predictable conversation (I won't say script as it isn't as restrictive as one) is that it provides an easy way to have social interaction. A common autistic trait is poor social interaction skills (particularly in unfamiliar circumstances). Connecting with someone is something that is felt. There are no defined points at which you can say a personal connection has/will be made as it depends on each of us in particular as well as how we are feeling in that moment. In the last couple of years I have gone from being in a (better) position where I felt the same as you on this topic to one of more trauma and a greater absence of human interaction. The additional trauma has made irregular social situations more challenging which in turn makes human interaction more difficult. I've come to appreciate things like the weather as a topic. It's a blessing to have something so reliably simple to briefly connect with someone over. As predictable and shallow as a conversation about something mundane may seem to a third party who doesn't grok the moment the participants are sharing, the participants will (given the nature of human interaction) be communicating on multiple, subtle levels much more information between each other than may be visible to the third party. Things like: Their appreciation for the other participant, their state of mental and visible-physical well-being, inferred contextual information based on any previous communication and direct or inferred information about any matters in the near future (for example: "I hope the weather holds out for John's holiday next week" - ergo their mutual acquaintance John will be away from home for a while which is maybe something to bare in mind). Even looking at it from the perspective of a multiple-choice script, the choice in response in context to everything that has preceded it may convey so much more than just the information that the words would carry out of context. Human interaction, empathy, is the closest thing we have to being psychic.
I can really relate! I love how you describe it as a spark of creativity being trapped. That's exactly how I feel! I think my biggest challenge has been feeling like I was boring actually. Maybe I just didn't realize that I was the only one of us feeling bored!!XD
I find your observations to be very cogent regarding small talk. I find that people judge you based on your "occupation" "Income level and prospects" and your personal mannerisms like my odd bouncy way of walking. Good friends and co-workers overlook these things and are interested in real conversations.
@@elainelee4828 average temperature? Wind speeds? Dew point? Quality of air? Is the weather good for wearing short sleeves or jackets and sweatshirts? Any rainfall? You see, there is so much varied topics to discuss when weather is the topic....
😄🤣 well, thank you for asking! :-) The season is definitely changing to fall here, it’s cool and breezy but dry and maybe a little bit sunny outside right now here in my part of Germany :-). ... That’s a very nice thing, because friends of mine are getting ready to start the fire in a huge kiln today, which is much nicer if it’s pleasant to be outside and not wet in between house and kiln and woodstack! 🔥 And it will be nice for my laundry, which is now in the washing machine, to hang out in the breeze to dry, along with the laundry of a couple other people in the apartment house complex I live in! 🌬👚🧦😊✨ How’s that for combining weather talk with personal details? :-) How are things where you are? 🗺
Better than Venus, I guess. Many things are better than sulfuric acid clouds and crushing atmospheric pressure. -----> Couples of minutes later -----> That is why we need to preserve our planet and try to reverse climate change, but for that, first, we need to get rid of capitalism -----> Couple of hours later -----> Workers of the galaxy unite ! You have nothing to lose but your chains ! Automation, open access, shared wealth. With these we shall unite the stars in song. Those who need, will receive, those who make, will make wonders. Let us come together in solidarity. -----> oh, okay, cya then, bye.
It's really interesting to see another perspective on this! I suppose I'll throw my experience here (in case it could be of use to someone): Small talk tends to make me nervous, not only because I'm being forced into a script for which I never asked, but now I have to worry about getting it right. I worry that I'm going to mess it up due to lack of confidence, memory, and attention to detail. I also really don't like being made to talk about myself because I don't know what to say. I'd rather the other person do that, so that I can see if there's any parallels, and only then can there be a good conversation. If the sun, moon, and stars don't all align, then I just pitch the "yeah okay" kind of approach and hope to the Heavens they don't ask me why.
NT's usually converse due to following reasons first they wanna collect info from you. they're curious or nosy about your life. the second one is they talk to you because they wanna be accommodating and not rude. for example when i have distant relatives or guests who visits our house and i'm not really close to them or know them much i would start a conversation because i want them to feel welcomed in pur house. small talk serves the purpose as an ice-breaker in the convo, it's like a jump start in the convo or they cannot think of anything else interesting to say so they ask common uninteresting questions but from a small talk you can derive interesting topic that you probably both like to talk about. now i realized i've been small talking my parents abroad like i usually asked what's the time on their place or how's the climate 🤣🤣🤣 but my parents are fine replying about it. but i ask them that because i just have nothing good topic in mind i just wanna extend the conversation but yeah i do find it boring but it gives me that reconnected feeling with them. it's like when you see a friend or an acquaintance on a mall for instance and you say hello to them you feel RECONNECTED with them. so it's not really the content of the convo but the purpose of conversation could be just to feel RECONNECTED with them. but the ideal convo in general regardless who you talk to, an old friend or a stranger is for both parties to talk about something they both like. anyway it's common and normal to get bored in the conversation.
Small talk is killing me! What I hate about it is I couldn't open my heart up easily, because when I do that people tends to use me and manipulate me. Also, I still think (until now) that people feels pity and they know me through my narcissistic grandma. So if I want to talk, I just wanted to get to the point to avoid small talks
Things I hate about small talk: Not knowing how to start a conversation a new person, not knowing how to keep the conversation going, not knowing how to end the conversation when I'm done, not being able to tell if the other person is done, not knowing if the other person is being funny or serious, not knowing if the other person is actually interested or just being polite, trying to figure out if I'm giving too much information, and then of course wondering at the end of it all if I actually accomplished anything useful through all my floundering around.
Identical feelings
Same here. But I have found that not caring what other ppl think helps a lot.....easier said than done though. Ive been working on it for many years and made much progress, but i still dont like it and it makes me uncomfortable.
I find comfort knowing I'm not the only one who has those exact same thoughts racing through my mind during "casual" conversations.
Group conversations are the worst. The topics change so quickly, and when you finally think of something to add to the current topic, it changes, and you refrain from saying what you wanted to say because you don't wanna sound stupid... I'm able to talk in a group of 3 now, and the best way to do it is to steer the conversation by being the most talkitive one. Anything more than 2 other people is too much for me to handle
NT people don't seem to think about small talk, they just do it. Maybe we should just learn to do the same. Try not to worry about what comes out. Good communication skills and politeness are learned anyway so it's a skill that can be acquired if you want to. However, NT's are so afraid of anything or anyone that deviates from the norm that I think it's good to disrupt their sense of reality.
"Small talk is Neurotypical stimming" made me see things completely differently, if it helps
Omg I love this
Omg EXACTLY. If the person doesn't know you and they're trying to get to know you small talk is the way to go!although I didn't understand the reason behind it now I do thanks to you!
Wow! I'd never thought of it that way. It makes perfect sense. Now to find a way of being ok with it!
@@qwertyx333 It's a reassuring ritual, just learn the ritual variants and such I guess. The only thing I need to remind myself is that it's important to Them. They get spooked if they can't, you know?
Very helpful framework.
"How are you?" catches me off guard every single time. My brain goes "quick give him a short summary of how I am. I'm doing really bad right now. I worry about so many things... but I'm supposed to say 'good, how are you?'. But how can I say that? I feel bad! That would be a total lie!"
There is no response I can give that we both will be happy with. Because I still don't fully understand why people ask questions you're not meant to answer truthfully and why that is considered a friendly thing.
I've wondered about it my whole life. Totally pointless and predictable ritual, but not engaging in it is a terrible crime that sets off alarms.
Every time if I do say fine then I walk away feeling horrible like a liar liar pants on fire
completely agree @fine
I've learned to tell people that I'm alive and staying that way. it is the most neutral thing to tell people, and while people tend to be a little puzzled or get what you mean and not inquire if you only say "I'm alive", adding on that you're going to stay that way implies something more positive that I've found most people give their hearty "oh I tell ya" or whatever and move on. decent way to tell a completely factual truth without stepping too far out of social bounds
George Carlin did a bit on this subject. Hilarious! His ideas when asked “how are you” are: “I’m not unwell” (makes them have to think), or “I’m moderately decent” (my personal favorite). It feels CRAPPY to say “I’m fine! (How are you?). He said only once in his life he was really “fine and dandy”. and no one asked him that day!!! Lol
Agree, feels "fake", dishonest etc. 100% on the same page.
Yup
@Pablo Moreno Cordón How very true!
This, so much. And when they go on and it's little, mundane things, or repeat because they want to keep going.
And I am dying inside trying to be nice.
Exactly
I've noticed a look of shock/fear in strangers when I try to shift the conversation to something substantial,
Absolutely - I got told that parties are for ' having fun ' not talking about serious things - as if sequential short, pointless conversations are remotely fun.
My mate once just said "No. Just stop.".
I once heard small talk described as “little sounds we make to let each other know we’re harmless”. Knowing that doesn’t make it any easier.
A (probably) autistic friend of mine actually makes real little sounds. Weird but funny, and if somebody gets scared, she goes on to talk perfect human language which does the job of disarming them :)
I'm the type of person who will answer "not much" or "same as usual" when people ask what's going on. I think the reason is because over time I've come to believe that people aren't really interested in hearing about my life or the things I'm passionate about, so I've been sort of conditioned to give a boring answer. Maybe that's just my own issue and not related to autism. If it were up to me, conversations would allow me to really discover a person and what's interesting about them, and not be a mundane social dance.
I answer "not much" or something similar as a sign I don't want to have that conversation, but sometimes people interpret it as "please proceed with the tale of *your* boring day and don't forget the details and the exhaustive dialogues". I guess I'm not on the spectrum but small talk is something I will avoid as much as I can.
I just say “it’s another day in paradise” or if it’s bad “just another day”
I am on the spectrum, and I am the same - I have been conditioned to believe that people don't want an authentic person or a real answer, what they want is you to say you're ok and say all the 'normal' things to make them feel comfortable. Society is entirely about being a robot and 'pretending to be boring'. That's what people expect of you.
'Can't complain'
Its also for me that all persons here seem the same with the same interests and topics
The only topics are woman, the job and making fun of each other
I always try to be nice and people literally say to me stop being nice and say them that they are bad at their jobs (which they arent in my opinion). Idk i had one colleague that i could talk so much with that had so interesting topics, but for some reason everyone hates him and calls him professor. Idk i wish there where more diverse people
For me, when ever someone tries small talk me, I get upset at first, then angry a bit later... Probably the reason is "why are you using up my energies for completely useless talk?!"
Yes. I have so little energy. Wasting it makes me irritable because I won’t be able to be as productive and it’s a domino effect.
Charissa Kay Agreed. Even saying hi to people literally exhaust me now. I regret masking when i started working at Walmart.
I've sometimes watched people having utterly meaningless conversations where neither party listens, and both leave none the wiser, while imagining they met someone
Nobody wants to talk about death
I was smiling the whole time. Small talk makes me cringe. Thought I was the only odd ball. Good to hear we’re not alone
Ditto agreed
My therapy counselor asked me:
Do you know why people small-talk? Like, which function/purpose do small-talk have?
Me:
I believe the reason for small talk is to minimize the plausibility of awkwardness.
Her:
Yeah, but most people are utilizing it to establish some kind of relation/connection between each other.
Me: Oh... Really? o.O
Long story short:
At the time of writing this, I’m currently waiting to receive the exact start date for my ASD/Asperger screening.
Be careful with smiling too much. They might think you like it.
Whenever I’m in a situation where there is potential for small talk in my brain I am going “please don’t talk to me, please don’t talk to me, please don’t talk to me” .... it is physically painful sometimes... “hi how are you” “good thanks how are you” “good...” now what!!!!! Just want the ground to swallow me whole!
Yes!
Hbomberguy's last video made the autism-community proud.
Seen it, i hope?
This is why I avoid parties.
The idea of standing in a room for three hours making small talk with people who are pretending to be friendly leaves me cold.
I call it orchestrated bullshit.
The good news is in most social events you can still just start to engage more in conversation with one person or a couple of people, not just endlessly wandering around making pointless small talk with everyone. It’s probably considered somewhat rude not to, but I have a lot more fun when I do what I just described.
I totally agree. Between the small talk and sensory issues, I just can't do parties anymore.
I avoid parties too but the 1 or 2 I have been to in my life were really fun, no small talk at all. Of course alcohol helps ;)
Ever notice how many neuro-typicals have very poor socials skills and no empathy?? I do not have autism. Am an empath-so my neurology is different. Have my own challenges. Noise, crowded places==need for solitude etc. Find that many "autistics" don't beat around the bush, which I relate too well.
But... Neurotypical people aren't pretending. We genuinely love being friendly with others.
One thing I found out is that NT's feel connected just by the solely act of talking, not interchanging ideas, just sharing the words and some attention from the counterpart (which is nonsense to us).
Very related to that is that most NT's don't even listen until it's their turn to talk. I learned to be hypervigilant to other people's facial cues and can't help but immediately shut up when I find the other person threw a question to get me talking, but they aren't really interested in the answer.
In my country it is very common (even expected) to talk to strangers in the street, for example, if you're waiting on a line or something. Total torture! You get the 'proud-thinks-is-better-than-us' label right away for not being able to participate in that script.
Yes, your input is only to trigger them to remember another one of their stories.. when they ask u a question, it's not to learn, only to fill a gap in their schema.
(ND here) I like talking just to talk if i really like the person. We could be exchanging emojis and i would have that warm fuzzy feeling of being connected to them. However by this point i have obviously gotten to know them a fair bit and decided that I liked them.
When I was a teenager I actually believed that the world was like The Matrix, and that most people were just scripted A.Is, and that I could tell the difference between them and real humans, because their programming was a bit mundane and fit into the program, and that humans were more diverse. I actually thought it was my job to round up all the real humans, so typically I used to walk around the school and look for other kids who sit alone, and reach out to them, and introduce them to my other loner friends that I found. Eventually we were a group of over 30 "weird kids", and anyone who felt like an outcast was free to join our group. It just goes to show, that if losers form a group together, they can be just as "cool" as the popular kids
Brilliant! :D
That is amazing !
Very impressive leadership at such a young age
I have done something similar in my local gym , there are multiple social groups and I have dipped into all of them , it's as if I'm a group breaker , I think people are very interesting and I really advocate for inclusivity !
I speak to all of them and I hope it reflects that outside of your groups other groups are just as valid or cool !
Great idea, you've just inspired me to repeat your heroic action.
What made you let go of the Matrix idea, I mean: isn´t that exactly how it is?
For me I was saved by a bunch of funny kids, an organisation in my natal Sweden called "Fältbiologerna", "the field biologist"; we were absolute nerds knowing the latin name of 300 bugs and 20 dragonflies, all the birds´sound and the flowers down to the smallest straw of grass... Plus struggled to save the world from greenhouse gases and pollution long before Greta Thunberg was even thought of. I felt at home there, even if it was a struggle socially, as always.
Q
How right you are. I know people that can carry this on for hours without revealing one substantial thing about themselves or any other subject. How and why🙄?
Now that’s a superpower😕
It’s literally an art form in Australia. The average person will do anything to avoid being controversial or rocking the boat.
Jane lane like taking exception to using autistic as a slur?
omg yes! What is the point?
how boringggggggg
The day I learnt "people like to talk about themselves" was a game changer 🤣. I also like to have exit strategies if the conversation isnt going anywhere, like "do you know where the bathroom is?" Or "I am going to go get a drink" and usually they have moved on to another person or group by the time I return.
yes - and you can always think about something else while they are being so boring
@@ginablanshard8255 Hbomberguy's last video made the autism-community proud.
Seen it, i hope?
Consider this info my holiday-gift for you.
Thank you!
* taking notes *
You just told it Perfect! As Asperger women, mother, with Autism son, and Asperger best friend( men), we actually are happy, we fit together perfect. We talk aut things. We don't lie, we can manage our needs, time, hobbies and life. His lifestory is emotional abuse, and constant rejection. I helped him see that not all people gonna lie or left him just because he don't get thing done properly. If he mess up, i will tell what was hurting me, and why, and he will not do it agan, and now, he know's that i will not do things that hurt's him. I do believe in two people who want things work.
Hbomberguy's last video made the autism-community proud.
Seen it, i hope?
Consider this info my holiday-gift for you.
I say often "nothing much" as I don't like the answer when I say the truth. When good things happen and I was sharing it, the people didn't seem to be happy with me, but looked more peed off than before I said anything. When I shared that I was having a not very good week, most time I was being told that I was too negative, or should look at the bright side,,... like anything I say is not the answer I supposed to give, so I keep saying "nothing much, how about you" and turn it away form me completely.
Yes 100%. If you go on about how happy you are, people find you insufferable very quickly. If you say you're depressed, it's the same. So it's just easier to avoid being hated by saying the generic 'good thanks are you?'
That's precisely why I stick to small talk in those kind of situations. Like office small talk. I consider it making a connection in the morning like a computer does when it turns on. "Hi, how are you? I'm good. Thanks You? I'm fine too. Cheers." is exactly the same to me as IP REQUEST > DHCP OFFER > OFFER ACCEPTED > CONNECTION CONFIRMED. If I throw anything extra into the syntax I'm just gonna get an error or a warning, or have a bad connection. I'll get nothing extra out of sharing my feelings and I'll get nothing out of the small talk, so why not get to the nothing the easier and shorter way, without upsetting anyone. It makes sense, because you need to have some sort of relationship with a person (like you have % in the Sims) before they are interested in your feelings. It makes sense why an office colleague whom you barely know might not be interested in your inner struggles. I find that once you bond with someone like an office colleague enough for them to care they will ask something like "Hey man, you ok? You seem a bit off today" and this will leave you no doubt.
Same
Small talk feels so disingenuous, even though I know it’s a necessary evil towards (hopefully) making meaningful connections with people. What I struggle with the most is how small talk leaves me feeling. I love engaging in big meaningful conversations with people, where the talk might start at one point then usually veer in several meandering directions about music, then life and the universe etc, because afterward I feel energised - whereas small talk leaves me feeling incredibly drained, and as if I’ve betrayed myself somehow. But I can’t help having fun with small talk sometimes (usually to gauge if the person I’m talking to has a sense of humour, and to test if they’re actually listening), by responding to the ubiquitous ‘what do you do?’ question with responses like, ‘I taste yoghurt for a living.’ 🤥
My friend Jim used to tell people he was a mortician. Lol
Jen Morricone And that, I would find fascinating!
Yes! That's Flow! The Tao. Which means path, journey, Dialogue. Dia/Logos--share the Logos together. ua-cam.com/video/50bJ2pyTE78/v-deo.html
I thought I was the only one doing this tricks in small talks XDDDDDDDD.
Me too! Love and laughter😃 enjoy!
What I get most out of this channel is learning about neurotypicals. I still can't wrap my mind around the idea that most people are capable of enjoying small talk, but it's an excellent thing to know. Thank you.
Right?? I thought it was something everyone secretly hated but accepted as a necessary evil. The fact that a lot of people genuinely enjoy it is mind-blowing.
People enjoy small talk? I never realized this
@@YukiTombo people love boasting how they value honesty only to feel offended when someone actually tells them the truth. like, cool that the yesterday's rain was a significant event in your life experience, Karen, but I'm tired of hearing the same BS every singe day. people genuinely don't care how others are, so why bother pretending to care about them? extroverts ardently argue how important small talk is, yet they act grossed out when they get what they asked for, and automatic compulsive "finehowareyou" is the default response.
I've learned to just dive straight into a conversation and letting folks be uncomfortable if that's how they feel, they can always walk away from the conversation and I've found that a lot of folks appreciate the bypassing of small talk.
I think it was George Orwell who described small talk as like choking on talcum powder.
I loathe and detest small talk. It's stupid and unnecessary. It wastes time and is an effort. I literally hate talking to people now as I feel like running away screaming 😱 It sucks the energy out of me like nothing else does.
I find if you can get someone to start talking about themselves and just smile and nod at intervals, that keeps them happy. I get zero out of it, but at least it involves minimal effort.
It's pathetic and like dealing with children really. I feel like I have to humour them.
You took the words right out of my mouth. I feel the exact same way.
People think I’m angry because I don’t make small talk. I’m really avoiding people so I don’t have to hear about their unremarkable lives.
I don't mind them talking, I do mind their need for my answer when no question was asked.
And bullshit stories that never happened, but you're meant to pretend you believe.. uuufffttt
It’s really not that bad.
I love how you are not like other channels that just talk about autistic traits in every video. You focus on the emotional and mental aspects and show the human side of us as autistic individuals
I'm well versed in smalltalk, but its physically, emotionally and mentally draining.
For the life of me, i can never hold small talk. After my first turn of speaking, i never know what to say in any situation. Whether if it starts with a compliment, a question, or etc.
What about conversations about things that are not from anywhere near the Earth?.. you know, stuff that happens elsewhere but on this planet..
I'm the same.. it stops dead even though I tried
"It just feels fake...it feels like going through the motions" - that is exactly how I feel about it. At the same time, it is hard work, keeping to the script and giving the right responses, just so the other person can feel comfortable. I can think of few worse things that being at some sort of "get together", and having to do it for an extended period, with multiple people. In my job it is necessary to do this at things like conferences and events, and it is just torture, and exhausting.
100% agree. Worst situation for me was working in big offices. You see the same people over and over again but you haven't anything to say to them in the first place. What the heck should you say if you meet them the fifth time in the hallway?! Or worse - in the elevator where you can't escape it.
I laughed and was so amused, how true, I guess I broke the rules now. When some one ask's "how are you", there not really interested, we know that, so I do answer honestly but analysing there humour, "tired, middle aged and grumpy". Your clips are such a connection for me, thankyou. Troy.
The definition of small talk is irrelevant conversations.
@@katarinavomdach We have "plaudern". Comes from the old word for "Rauschen", which has no real englisch translation outside of acustics, where it is "noise". And this is what it feels like for me, sometimes like the murmur of a brook and sometimes like the enerving swooshing sound of the Sea.
@@boobee2511 exactly, otherwise why why they asked. That will teach them a lesson 😁
Can completely relate to this. I happen to be an elementary school teacher and some of the most enjoyable conversations I have are with my students. Eight year olds are particularly interesting, engaging and funny. You can go from small talk to all sorts of interesting topics and they're right there with you!
4:10 is the reason both my first true friendships failed, they stopped having rewarding social interactions with me and relied on small talks or pouring out the small dramas of their lives. I was only giving, giving, and never got anything back that made me feel good too, anymore.
Regarding 4:00 onward. I think NTs don't consciously follow the script - the just do without realizing. Often they aren't even aware there is a script and think they talk spontaneously / improvise. I found that out while studying conversation analysis and the concept of adjecency pairs and eventually scripts was introduced. All I learned from that was being able to put a name to it. - But to most other students it seemed like some big revelation. When the prof said that these conventions and scripts and sequences are essentially automatically absorbed while being socialised without even noticing it felt like a punch in the face - it was hard work for me trying to make sense of all the things people say and do and figure out the scripts, to collect them and hopefully eventually have a suitable script for every possible situation (heck, that's why I chose to study language. To finally figure out how it works).
I study linguistics and feel the same thing!
I've found dropping that I live on a small farm helps because most people like animals and farming and animals are one of my special interests.
What I’m beginning to realize is, as long as you can feel some measure of sincere curiosity, kindness or genuine feeling behind what’s being said, the words don’t matter as much
Hillarious. I'm from Germany and this is literally how I felt being new to Australia. People used to go "how are you?" and I would actually take it as a real question.
So true. After many many years I realised I blurted out more than required for small talk questions and some people misuse the extra info.
And I literally took it when someone said Thank you you beautiful/ honey.The first time I heard it, I was like Why did they say, what rights have they got to describe me it is just the first time they saw me.. I used to avoid them.
Then realised it was scripted and used by many many many and just smiled back If someone says that.
I'd tell them "Don't ask unless you want to hear an honest answer"
After a lifetime of masking and scripting I am shocked at how much I have had to endure and how much I have had to adapt to stay marginally (ca. 80%) operative within the social order - disorder! Thanks so much for wisdom mate.
I do not enjoy being around people with many words of little value,
A conversation to me is two people exchanging knowledge. For neurotypical people it’s a circle of attention.
@@giftedgreen2152 Why do many on here, talk in a rude way about people who are not Autistic ?? Im beginning to find it offensive..Even the term typical....when each individual is unique ... I HATE small talk as it is superficial and boring.. I love in depth conversations with intelligent, deep thinking people...therefore I choose to not have many friends... I am unique....Each person is unique....There are way too many labels and divisions
@@IwasBlueb4 are you a women?
@@IwasBlueb4 it's just our experience
@@IwasBlueb4 Labels are very useful, one shall just remember that they're not to be confused with reality itself. I find it relieving to see the roles reversed. Assigning a label to a majority. I like and I don't think it's a big deal. Labels are just labels. :)
Yep.
Heeyy it's funny internet man who sings funny internet song
Omg Chocolate Rain!! 🙌💙💙💙
I put in effort to engage in small talk with others, but to be honest I mostly can’t relate with small talk topics
I've gotten good at getting people to talk about themselves. I am lauded as a great listener, very empathetic. Of course, I can't get people to ask about me! Even superficial stuff. I give up.
Thank you for making these videos. I watch your videos and feel like, "YES! He's describing me and my experience. I didn't know anyone else understood how I felt in these situations." I'm only just learning that I have autism. My son has been diagnosed and I'm only just realizing just how autistic I am. I just thought I was broken, weird, lazy, high-stress, PTSD, emotionally difficult, worthless, etc. I'm not any of those typical stereotypes. I'm autistic. Thank you so very, very, very much! Now I can research more about this and learn some strategies to cope with my difficulties! This is all I've ever wanted. Thank you so much!
Remember that feeling when you're a little kid and your parent bumps into someone out in public and they make small talk while you just stand there and wait and it feels like FOREVER? For me it's like that but I'm forced to be part of the conversation. It's torture.
I think I need to learn more to persist and get through to that proper connection and real conversation!
The first 50 seconds of the video is me dead on, the rest not really. I'm a blunt, direct person who KEEPS IT REAL..I don't do fake and don't care who's feelings get jarred to a point. This train keeps moving with those who are genuine to me and GET-ME, the rest are dust in the wind...~~~~~~~~Thank you for doing this video, the first 50 seconds makes so much sense and clarifies how I feel and think.
So.. how do you feel when you are surrounded by a group of six foot tall girls?....
@@Nostalgicguy2242 I only hang around people i know i RELATE to...the six foot girls I'm figuring you mean volleyball players..we relate so I'm good plus I'm 6'5" so they are short to me.
My Aspergers has improved over the years. But I still have difficulty with small talk. Especially with people I don't know
I just default to filler statements I used to over hear my grandmother use on the phone. I’m not invested or listening at all but I’m spouting a phrase in every pause, “really? I didn’t know”, “oh my gosh”, “oh I believe it”, “then what happened”, “ragweed pollen is high today” 😂😂 the answer for how are you is “I’m fine” because I’ve learned that isn’t a genuine question, it’s just a dull script, I actually prefer it because I feel like I otherwise overshare or make people uncomfortable. I’ve become super scripted when I’m stuck in a superficial conversation? No one wants substance anymore
Conversation is an art. It is creative. I just don't have the energy to put into trying to get to know people. Most people are closed off and its just too much effort if they aren't willing to meet half way. Then most times when they open up its so boring, I could poke myself in the eye to make me feel better.
Same
Here's my sequence:
Make a galant attempt to socialize.
Go to a get-together.
Listen to small talk.
Get ground to a pulp by the inane blather.
Get antsy.
Act out, by making jokes, using sarcasm, of flat-out calling BS.
Group gets angry and gangs up.
I fight back.
Gathering gets blown to smithereens.
People go home angry with me.
Have to hear about it for a week or two.
Repeat.
@@harikrishnanchandramohan4209 👍 Everyone here should read this. It's gold.
I see we are clones, my trick is never ride share to a party, always drive alone, keep keys in pocket and coat in sight, make a splash become obnoxious irritate everyone early, find your moment, no one looking front door in sight, screw good byes probably never invited back anyway, in the car finally relaxed ~~ to home with dog ~~
I’ve been there, but my strategy is generally not to get engaged in convo with the entire group, but to pair off with someone else who also doesn’t really like small talk, or with a couple of other people, & basically make my own small social group within the group. If there is literally not one other person there to talk with about anything meaningful, I’m wasting my time there anyway & will find a way to leave.
Exactly!
I used to joke that cocktail parties give me hives. I have always found small talk downright painful. Years ago, believing I had social anxiety, I forced myself into a job where I had to make small talk with the public on a regular basis and even literally had to attend cocktail parties as part of the job. It was very difficult for me but it did help me learn to get used to it and fear it a bit less. Over the last year, both of my teens were diagnosed with asd (& previously also had diagnoses of adhd, as well) and the more I learn about it, the more I’m starting to realize I very likely am on the spectrum as well. This channel has been so helpful. Thank you for sharing your experiences and knowledge!
Yea this is so real and a relief
To hear cant stand small talk
I got dyslexic and dyspraxia
And its hard to talk to people
I need a real reason to speak
Yes! Oh my....this is too much, it's all being confirmed, and I'm bowled over. This is my life for...well, forever. It feels like dying--yes, exactly like lying, and disappearing into a vast black gulf of nothingness inside.
One of my defaults now is to ask about their pets. People usually love gushing about their pets, or about a pet they had at some point.
I have gotten better at small talk thanks to service jobs, but lord knows it's exhausting. I want to know about what you're passionate about!! But to other people, THAT'S exhausting to dredge up if they're not prepared for it... at least according to my parents.
My answer to when people asked how I was doing when I was working at Tim Hortons: "Well.. I'm still working here, but about as good as I can be I suppose./smile". It delivers something real/relatable, without being awkward/offputting. Though that was more to the regulars, and those that I could tell had some personality. To those that looked like their personality as as dry as our day old donuts, or that they were just in a hurry, I'd just feed them the regurgitated bs "I'm GREAT, and you?!"
my only outlet these days are on the internet.... the only safe place i have to express whats really going on in the depths of my mind... i do not have to worry about the small talk here and there is no confusing body language that seems to contradict what they are trying to express... i feel trapped within my mind around people.... on here i am free to express what i think
Yes, that's a really good point, especially as I find it much easier to express myself by writing rather than talking. Even my Aspie son has stopped replying to my emails, and everyone else I know prefers to talk on the dreaded phone, so the internet it is, lol!
This is so true! This was very insightful for me to understand MY OWN BRAIN lol. I find that NTs are very uncomfortable with silence when they first meet someone and so they rely on small talk to gauge social distance and create a sense of trust/safety. I notice that the silence becomes unnerving for both parties involved since neither of us know how to interact with one another to gauge that social distance.
I want to thank you so much for taking the time to make informative videos. They have really helped me to understand further my nephews autism and interact with him in ways that help us both grow. We have missed many years together and now that he is adult im figuring out to meet him where he is as a adult. You are truly amazing and I wish you, and whoever is reading this the best and happiness in all you do!
You nailed the description of the small talk scenario. I call it robot speak and I refuse to be forced to participate when someone tries to force me to say the lines from their script, from their reality.
Small talk is like forcing yourself to be an NPC even though you're actually "player".
(See also: _The Elder Scrolls 4: Oblivion_ )
Start playing Oblivion background music on your phone even making small talk.
As of now I only know skyrim. I'm a sony loyalist. I was against elder scrolls because "it's xbox." My ol lades got it for me for Christmas a couple years ago and she showed disappointment because I haven't played it. So I got to playing it a few months ago. It's an alright game. Personally I feel it's better than red dead because they didn't make it seem like they're burrying the first game.
Red dead revolver exists.
Anyway. That's how good I'm at with small talk. Have a good day.
@@Cool_Papa_Funk To this day, the battle music auto-plays in my head whenever a stranger approaches me.
Thank you! Now I might actually figure out what the hell I'm supposed to say. I'll just roleplay as an NPC.
"How are you?"
"I used to be an adventurer like you...."
@@hectorandem2944 relax! its just a mudcrab :P
I totally loved this video. I'm never bored. I just be me and get people to tell me the most personal hilarious stories, which I keep private as I know its a privilege to hear. I love honesty and no bullshit. If people are wearing a mask and don't reveal who they truly are I move on. If they are mean I move on fast. Kindness and laughter and living in the moment. Thanks for being you, I loved your video!!😁
I burned out, trying to "deliver" the normal / social guy experience for 20 years. I invested huge amounts of energy to reach a deep / meaningful level with potentially 2-3 good friends, but it cost me so much, then I ran out and crashed. And when you realize, with what superficial level people are content, that's really frustrating. Not being able to deliver the scripted small-talk stuff, stresses out immensely. I don't want to hurt people's feelings, so I usually try to pay the bill and deliver something that makes them happy and feel accepted, but it's just paying all the time. I never get deep and rewarding discussions out of it.
They notice, that I don't like the script, but don't understand what's happening. And yes, it's a nasty fake feeling, when you go through scripted lines, it feels dishonest and ridiculous. Most times I ask myself "we are talking, that's a chance. why not tell me something meaningful about you, that defines you, that inspires you, ANYTHING meaningful !?". I don't want to invest 2-5 years of small talk for a 5% chance of getting something meaningful out of it in the end...
Sorry for ranting, my frustration level is quite high ..
Small talk actually fullfills many needs for NT individuals... the smalltalk helps them to answer a lot of different questions: is this person interested in getting to know me? Is he feeling positive or negative? (ít's shitty weather' vs 'well next week it will be sunny') Is he hostile or friendy? Does he communicate in a similar way (accent, personality)? Is he sober and sound minded? Is he hurried or not? Etc. :) I feel auti's need to know about this. It took me a loooong while to tolerate small talk, and I'm still really bad at it. But I have learned to appreciate the cunning ways in which NT's observe each other and play with the social scripts they are given.
"Hey, how are you?"
The first thing someone says, before even having a reason to care, how I am...
Coming across this channel today and subscribed!
I'm not diagnosed and even known to have the ability to socialize well making new friends and being talkative with old friends, or just going to a conference alone. But I die in constant small talks. I die in having to talk about one's self too! This is the part where I'm struggling the most here in Australia because the culture is BIG on SMALL TALK. Especially that English is my 2nd language, even if I'm often told "Your English is good!". Regardless, it's the currency of social acceptance. Especially when working with patients in the ward, while I juggle all these patient schedules and tasks having to talk to colleagues every minute and at every literal turn of our steps during the day, I am expected to small talk that takes A LOT of mental stamina to not be depleted at he end of the day. I have no probs in starting conversations and being friendly and giving lots of smile. It's the small frequent chats that's exhausting and hard to avoid. 🤷♀️
I find myself more comfortable dealing with small talk from behind a guitar or mandolin. I sometimes escape a boring conversation by starting up a sing-along tune.
I've developed a coping habit of digging my fingernails into my palm, under the table, just to provide an alternative stimulation to keep me conscious and present during these suffocating small-talk encounters.
How can you grow a plant unless you plant a seed. You don’t have to be fake. You can be cordious and you might get a seed. Any contact is good contact. If people react negatively, its their problem but your heart will speak for you
If you can learn to navigate a little small talk, the payoff is definitely worth it. However not all of us on the spectrum are capable of getting through it, so I understand the frustration. I am, but even I make clunky mistakes at times. Being able to laugh at yourself & move forward helps a lot. If people only want to stay at small talk though, I couldn’t care less about continuing to communicate with them unless I absolutely have to. I won’t be rude but I will not go out of my way to connect with someone who only can engage in small talk with me, at least not more than a brief hello & goodbye.
I think maybe you're ignoring the bit about how utterly boring, painful, draining and torturous it feels. It's not a neutral experience, it costs something.
"Talking point" - key phrase
I agree with what you said about transitioning from small talk to actual conversation...
A very general question like "What's been happening the last 1 1/2 years?" will overwhelm almost anyone, including neurotypicals. But if you manage to remember something or find out something about a person that's important to them and give them a reason to express themselves, both parties will be able to engage on a whole new level.
If that doesn't work I also always try to tell about myself, staying concise and mentioning details I think are likely to appeal to a broad spectrum of people.
Thanks for the great content and really helping many people to learn to translate from "neurotypical" and back again.
It's why I do self checkout at grocery stores... I loathe the small talk!
' People do a really good job at pretending to be boring ' 👏👏👏
"What is your superpower?" I'm not surprised they were freaked out🤣
I would have jumped right in. That's an amazing question.
I don't get that? What is your superpower. What do you mean by that?
If this were just thrown at me, my answer would probably be that I can look at a ball of yarn, and design a sweater in my head. I'd know the steps I need and how to make it. I started crocheting when I was 4. I taught myself how to knit and how to Tunisian crochet. This is something I'm better at than other people.
You could take this question and answer it with sarcasm or treat it like a hypothetical question. Even if you do treat it hypothetically, it reveals something about you and opens the door for other topics.
@@keturahspencer Thank you for answering that question for me Keturah I honestly did not get it. Much appreciated
@@keturahspencer I tried to learn how to knit bumy co ordination wasn't good. I did croquet when I was young too. But i can play the piano.
I find people like to talk about themselves, the weather, sport (their favourite team), music, movies, books, their families - as long as you listen to them most of the time they will be happy. I'm happy to listen to others.
Bang on, i simply cannot do "small talk" unless of course it's on a subject i like then it wouldn't be smsll talk!!
spot on. its like a vacuum of rhetoric
I am eagerly waiting for this as i need help with small talk.
just repeat everything they say back to them, like mirroring.
person 'hi John how are you?'
you ' fine how are you?'
person 'i'm fine just washing the car'
you 'you're washing the car?'
person 'yes, we went to the countryside yesterday and the roads were more like dirt tracks'
you 'like dirt tracks?'
person 'yes they were so narrow and muddy, and I actually knocked my wing mirror off'
you 'you knocked your wing mirror off?'
person 'yes and now i'm going to have to take it to the a garage and get it fixed'
you 'i know someone'
person 'oh brilliant! thank you. its been so interesting talking to you'
seems to work
'
Your description of the pains of small talk is spot on. Thank you! I did read something a few years ago that I found helpful. Someone likened small talk to lobbing a tennis ball back and forth. As in, the feeling in small talk is supposed to be light and casual, and without intense thought. I like this analogy in getting into a 'small talk state of mind'. It's not something I prefer, and there is still the tricky bit of ending a conversation or transitioning into more depth.
I find it draining and irrelevant but NT's need it. They value it because it validates their feelings.
Exactly.
As I have gotten wiser , it is important to people I care about.. so I chose to not feel excluded and participate to try and show that I do care. That my laughter at inappropriate times doesn't manipulate the situation. It was very tough when I was younger .I like to be validated also.
@KEPLER sofaras caring or understanding me I do not value as much as making them smile and that is worth my time.
@KEPLER I believe now that nt's I just meet and they appear negative towards me is no fault of their's. Nt's personality and beliefs are learnt and not true due to survival and validity. They can be changed. Not my duty to do so but smiling at my expense my help to change their view toward...us
I removed myself from the hierarchy a long time ago. I rarely mask anymore. Only when it involves my income
I'm 28, and was diagnosed at 23, but never really paid much attention to it until a few months ago, and from all the channels I've watched about the topic they just didn't feel right, but I feel like you describe most of my experiences perfectly. Your dread locks story reminds me of myself. I have an unusual last name, and that's usually an easy talking point my friends use to introduce me to new people but as I got older I just don't feel like telling the story of how those last names came together in Mexico as much anymore, so I just try to avoid the topic as much as possible, or just make up names to skip that part.
Well, there are subjects I'd love to talk about, except... They may cause reactions like: "don't be so OVERsmart!", "relax!", "take it easy!"
So, it's better to ask people on the Internet on subjects, that interest me (psychology, physics, history etc), however, some might not have answers for now, like once I got told, it can't be answered, since nobody has come up with the theory of quantum gravity yet, so we still do not know if the space-time has some rigidity to it or not (I guess, if not, then even the smallest particles should cause gravity waves, which was my question - do they?).
This happens to me a lot at my job. I'm just passionate about what I do, but people tends to think I'm always trying to show off. I hate how basic their communication is, the only thing they can read is 'big monkey'/'small monkey' BS.
Nailed it. Inherent lack of honesty. Play acting interest and amusement.
SMALL TALKER: So Garrison, what do you do for a living?
ME: I’m unemployed.
SMALL TALKER: Oh…uh…okay…um…
Hahahahaha!
Nice one, I’m gonna use that next time 😁👌
Small talker: What do you do?
Me: I’m a security supervisor at the mall.
Small talker: So you’re a mall cop.
Me: No no no no. I’m not a mall cop. I’m mall security. They are very different things. They encourage vastly different outlooks which produce vastly different work results. If someone talked about how they wanted to be a mall cop in an interview, I wouldn’t hire them. *continue with extended rant*
Yes, I like asking people about themselves. It helps.
I feel a bit opposite of that. I have a script for every different social situation that I have rehearsed before hand and if the social situation goes differently than my script I'm completely lost and feel like I need to get out of the situation lol. If someone asked me "what my superpower is" or "what makes me tick" I'd feel panic, not say anything and quietly leave the situation and never come back lol (this has happened to me I dropped a class in uni bc the other students tried to talk to me) the other end is when I get comfortable with someone I blurp out a really personal detail that I definitely didn't want to share with people but I couldn't keep my mouth shut and now I'm never coming back after that happened.
Constantly feeling like communication is a challenge with 99.9%
Although I have many Aspie traits myself, I always wonder about those who belittle smalltalk. I mean would you honestly just want a complete stranger to start talking to you about your deepest, darkest secrets? If not, then there's smalltalk or topical talk. When people smalltalk their just nervous and trying to ease into something deeper without risking making a fool of themselves. We do the same thing, just in a different way.
Hbomberguy's last video made the autism-community proud.
yes absolutely i would love to immediately dive into talking about something interesting and engaging, maybe that's oversharing or info dumping, but it's better than talking about the fucking weather lol
"hi, how are you?" not great thanks for asking i'm recovering from a biopsy and the bandage adhesive gave me such a bad allergic reaction that the skin around the small incision they made looks ten times worse and it's so itchy that taking 2 benadryl did nothing. you?
If some stranger was down to talk about aliens and black holes I’d be 100% down
@@Star_Rattler Tell me more about your rash and haemmorhoids. You've got me hooked.
@@randylejeune LOL my skin is very healed after that but i do have a tiny little scar. thanks! how you, randy?
Finding out you do something that freaks people out is a hard thing to realize. Especially when the last thing you want to do is harm someone or make someone feel bad.
When I was at university, there was a fellow who would ask questions like "what was the second best thing that happened to you today?" instead of the typical "how are you?" He explained that questions like the asking the second best thing meant that the person had to actually think about the answer instead of just giving the canned answers. What was interesting though, is what happened when I decided to do the same for him. I asked him a question similar to what he would ask me. He then became irritated and avoided me afterwards. I actually appreciated that he asked different questions; it was much more interesting.
Thank you so much for your videos, I feel like you’re the first person I’ve come across that actually makes sense. Watching your videos is like finally hearing a word that explains something you’ve been trying, and failing, to describe your whole life. Thank you!
"Maybe you've chased a squirrel on weekends" . . . when your best friend id the neighbors' dog
One bark for 'yes' and two for 'no'. :D
I've taken it to the next level: I approach people by speaking frankly about the first thing that comes to mind, or by asking them super seriously how they are doing. Most people are very happy to find a free shrink, even in the middle of a party. 🤷🏼♀️
(I've noticed that if you dress smartly, your strangeness becomes beautiful in people's eyes, you become an original, someone people hope will come, and you’ll be super respected even if you tell awkward or too honest things).
Small talk big problems .
It's worst at work. I can keep my mask on in focused in a professional meeting, but it is at the water cooler that my autistic side shows and I feel as I am constantly embaresing myself. Smalltak just feels like a risk every time I engage.
Small talk is just a way to test the waters of whether to engage in a real conversation with someone. It's like the preliminary step to building the foundation for a deeper conversation. Small talk is the mandatory step of establishing rapport. It's the first step of opening the door to a deeper conversation.
You say, “small talk is just a way to test the waters of whether to engage into real conversations with someone.”
So if someone fails your test for small talk, I assume you will reject them by moving on and not engaging? Your answer got very few, little to no likes. Your answer is the reason why we autistic people are struggling with small talk. People like you make us feel like failures time and time again therefore we autistic’s feel more anxiety when someone tests us with small talk.
tl:dr - small-talk is full of meaning.
The good thing about a predictable conversation (I won't say script as it isn't as restrictive as one) is that it provides an easy way to have social interaction. A common autistic trait is poor social interaction skills (particularly in unfamiliar circumstances).
Connecting with someone is something that is felt. There are no defined points at which you can say a personal connection has/will be made as it depends on each of us in particular as well as how we are feeling in that moment.
In the last couple of years I have gone from being in a (better) position where I felt the same as you on this topic to one of more trauma and a greater absence of human interaction. The additional trauma has made irregular social situations more challenging which in turn makes human interaction more difficult. I've come to appreciate things like the weather as a topic. It's a blessing to have something so reliably simple to briefly connect with someone over.
As predictable and shallow as a conversation about something mundane may seem to a third party who doesn't grok the moment the participants are sharing, the participants will (given the nature of human interaction) be communicating on multiple, subtle levels much more information between each other than may be visible to the third party. Things like:
Their appreciation for the other participant, their state of mental and visible-physical well-being, inferred contextual information based on any previous communication and direct or inferred information about any matters in the near future (for example: "I hope the weather holds out for John's holiday next week" - ergo their mutual acquaintance John will be away from home for a while which is maybe something to bare in mind). Even looking at it from the perspective of a multiple-choice script, the choice in response in context to everything that has preceded it may convey so much more than just the information that the words would carry out of context. Human interaction, empathy, is the closest thing we have to being psychic.
THIS!!! CAN'T WAIT!
I can really relate! I love how you describe it as a spark of creativity being trapped. That's exactly how I feel! I think my biggest challenge has been feeling like I was boring actually. Maybe I just didn't realize that I was the only one of us feeling bored!!XD
You nailed it!!! 🤜THANK YOU SO MUCH!! 👍👍❤️❤️‼️
I find your observations to be very cogent regarding small talk. I find that people judge you based on your "occupation" "Income level and prospects" and your personal mannerisms like my odd bouncy way of walking. Good friends and co-workers overlook these things and are interested in real conversations.
So how is the weather?
The price of ____ is crazy huh?
@@elainelee4828 average temperature? Wind speeds? Dew point? Quality of air? Is the weather good for wearing short sleeves or jackets and sweatshirts? Any rainfall?
You see, there is so much varied topics to discuss when weather is the topic....
😄🤣 well, thank you for asking! :-) The season is definitely changing to fall here, it’s cool and breezy but dry and maybe a little bit sunny outside right now here in my part of Germany :-). ...
That’s a very nice thing, because friends of mine are getting ready to start the fire in a huge kiln today, which is much nicer if it’s pleasant to be outside and not wet in between house and kiln and woodstack! 🔥 And it will be nice for my laundry, which is now in the washing machine, to hang out in the breeze to dry, along with the laundry of a couple other people in the apartment house complex I live in! 🌬👚🧦😊✨
How’s that for combining weather talk with personal details? :-)
How are things where you are? 🗺
Better than Venus, I guess. Many things are better than sulfuric acid clouds and crushing atmospheric pressure. -----> Couples of minutes later -----> That is why we need to preserve our planet and try to reverse climate change, but for that, first, we need to get rid of capitalism -----> Couple of hours later -----> Workers of the galaxy unite ! You have nothing to lose but your chains ! Automation, open access, shared wealth. With these we shall unite the stars in song. Those who need, will receive, those who make, will make wonders. Let us come together in solidarity. -----> oh, okay, cya then, bye.
Snuggletummy I’m concerned that humidity levels are unusually low for this time of year in my area.
It's really interesting to see another perspective on this!
I suppose I'll throw my experience here (in case it could be of use to someone): Small talk tends to make me nervous, not only because I'm being forced into a script for which I never asked, but now I have to worry about getting it right. I worry that I'm going to mess it up due to lack of confidence, memory, and attention to detail. I also really don't like being made to talk about myself because I don't know what to say. I'd rather the other person do that, so that I can see if there's any parallels, and only then can there be a good conversation. If the sun, moon, and stars don't all align, then I just pitch the "yeah okay" kind of approach and hope to the Heavens they don't ask me why.
NT's usually converse due to following reasons first they wanna collect info from you. they're curious or nosy about your life. the second one is they talk to you because they wanna be accommodating and not rude. for example when i have distant relatives or guests who visits our house and i'm not really close to them or know them much i would start a conversation because i want them to feel welcomed in pur house. small talk serves the purpose as an ice-breaker in the convo, it's like a jump start in the convo or they cannot think of anything else interesting to say so they ask common uninteresting questions but from a small talk you can derive interesting topic that you probably both like to talk about. now i realized i've been small talking my parents abroad like i usually asked what's the time on their place or how's the climate 🤣🤣🤣 but my parents are fine replying about it. but i ask them that because i just have nothing good topic in mind i just wanna extend the conversation but yeah i do find it boring but it gives me that reconnected feeling with them. it's like when you see a friend or an acquaintance on a mall for instance and you say hello to them you feel RECONNECTED with them. so it's not really the content of the convo but the purpose of conversation could be just to feel RECONNECTED with them. but the ideal convo in general regardless who you talk to, an old friend or a stranger is for both parties to talk about something they both like. anyway it's common and normal to get bored in the conversation.
Small talk is killing me! What I hate about it is I couldn't open my heart up easily, because when I do that people tends to use me and manipulate me. Also, I still think (until now) that people feels pity and they know me through my narcissistic grandma. So if I want to talk, I just wanted to get to the point to avoid small talks