These things PREVENT us from cutting off toxic relationships
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- Опубліковано 11 лют 2024
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THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT. - Розваги
You can't fix someone who doesn't want to be fixed, but you will ruin your life trying.
You can’t fix anyone period, either they fix themselves or they don’t. You are the only one you can fix.❤️
@@lisalambert81865 You cannot fix people because people are not tools. You can fix tools until they work the way you want to, but people are living beings; their worth shouldn't be measured by how well they can serve others
I agree, it's not our duty to fix a full grown adult. Change comes from oneself and within.
You can try, but ultimately they may then blame you because they are not OK. 60 years of experience..I am what ruined my mothers life-
Amen. It's a pity I was raised to feel responsible for narcissists!
Alone is better than abused!
This is such common sense but it seems so hard for so many. On pretty much every narcissist video from many different experts the comment sections are filled with “he\she screamed in my face, drove dangerously when mad at me, broke things I cared about, lied about almost everything, had affairs, stole money from our joint account, threatened to repeatedly kill me etc etc etc……….. I did everything I could for 26 years to keep the marriage together.”
Exactly.
Sure, but between the abuse are periods that seem like caring. If those times are the only "caring" you've ever known well, that can be very difficult to leave behind particularly when it seems to be the best you can hope for.
I left a toxic relationship which left me in nearly $20,000 in debt a year ago. I am slowly working to pay it off but my home is now a sanctuary, a place I no longer dread. I lost all confidence in myself and my abilities in that relationship and now I am exploring what I enjoy and what makes me feel competent. I'm taking online courses on topics I want to learn and am taking active steps to start the business I have been thinking about for years. There is light at the end of the tunnel when you leave a toxic relationship and happiness can be found outside of a new relationship.
Thank you so very much for this 🙏🏽☮️
Thank you. I'm in the process of leaving but feel lost, not confident and it debt. This gives me hope
Congrats!!! Accomplishments!! 🎉
Being let down over and over again was one of the worst parts about it.
Just to add to the thoughts about being alone - What’s wrong with enjoying things alone? I remember one time when I saw an ad for a movie that I wanted to see. At first I tried to think of who I could invite to go with me but didn’t think of anyone who would enjoy that particular movie. But then I thought, “Why do I need to go with someone? Why can’t I enjoy it by myself?” And yes, I enjoyed the movie.
Nice 😂❤I ABSOLUTELY LOVED GOING TO THE MOVIES BY MYSELF BECAUSE I ENJOY MY OWN COMPANY 😄🖐🏽WE HAVE FUN TOGETHER!
Still go to movies alone. If I'm moved to tears, I can cry without being gawker at by the person I came with.
I have done that so many times! Going to the movies myself. I have many times gone to concerts myself. It was always fun. Always.
For me, the denial killer was seeing the narcissist treat my child the way they treated me (not worth listening to beyond one-upmanship). Kind of funny how you can put up with something for years, but see it clearly when it is done to someone you love.
True, this!! 😢
Some folks see this happen and do nothing. Goo on you for doing the right thing ❤
My narcissistic mother jumping down my 8-yr-old (at that time) granddaughter's throat and berating her like she did me a couple of years ago ended the relationship. I was not going to let her treat my granddaughter as she did me. I told her so and cut all contact .Her parents did the same.
no it will never get better do not be fooled it's a trap
LOL. "It's a trap" is a great way to put it!
Here's our secret weapon - they think we're stupid. It's like that shirt that says, "Go ahead underestimate me, that'll be fun." 40 year survivor (met at 15) here at radical acceptance, out 15 years. Alone is heaven. I am now an artist and an author and a world traveler.
It's heaven. Just so heavenly calmness, peacefulness, lovely, breathable, beautiful, coziness. Being alone is absolutely the best decision when being married to him with all of his uncontrollable ways of not understanding that he isn't the only person in this world.
Can't wait till I can get there too.
This was a very emotional and painful video for me to watch, but only because it took me back to the darkness of my narcissistic marriage. I remember years ago, discussing my confusion and desperation with my GP. My ex husband took me on a roller coaster to hell and back throughout our marriage and I couldn’t understand how someone could say they loved me but behaved so selfishly, neglectful and malevolently towards me. I was in tears, tears that I’d held back for years to the point where I could barely speak during a consultation with my doctor.
It was my GP who told me that I was married to a narcissist and he recommended that I inform myself more about narcissism. He assured me that I wasn’t mad, I was being betrayed and abused and recommended your channel.
I had a friend (past tense ) who, when I told her about your videos and how I felt understood and encouraged because of your videos, she told me to be careful and not pay attention to any therapist before throwing my marriage away, because that therapist is just bitter about marriage and is spreading toxicity.
Needless to say, that enabler ‘friend’ is history.
Ignorance of narcissism is one thing. To be held accountable by an enabling friend or family is in my personal opinion, unforgivable, especially when she knew that my husband’s behaviour was psychologically and physically abusive towards me, the former being an everyday occurrence.
Your wisdom and knowledge freed me from the chains of guilt and false hope.
Your research is gold and I wish I’d learned from your expertise years ago but am forever thankful to you because I am enjoying life and freedom rather than being a victim trapped in the darkness of a narcissistic marriage. 🙏💕
I’ve learned to remind myself and not to gaslight myself.
Being alone is highly underrated! I make my own decisions now. I choose what to eat, what yo watch on TV; all the things that sound so simple but aren’t when even these choices were taken away. I was never more “alone” than being with someone who ignored me and could not be counted on for anything.
AMEN! THANK GOD! Blessings to all of us!💋💞🌷🌹💪🙏
It can be extremely difficult to leave a toxic relationship where you feel helpless and controlled. What makes things worse is that many are not aware that they’re in one and you may have this false hope that the toxic partner will change and things will go back to how it was when you first met them. Once you realize you are in a toxic relationship, it is important to have a support system and to learn how to establish boundaries and once you get out, stay no contact.
Well said!! and they tell you if you leave me I will quit my job, it's all about controlling your emotions and they will for sure, and a good lawyer knows that too.
and a friend is telling you - he's a great guy! what are you thinking?!
@@katjongeward7155 yes they do say that and it makes it so confusing while you are in it.
Your comments about doing what he didn’t allow reminds me of this past Christmas.
He would mock me for pretty much anything that moved my body. Doing a workout video? I looked stupid. Singing songs with movements with the kids? I looked like an idiot. Playing with the hose with the kids on a hot day? I was an embarrassment in front of the neighbours. You get the idea.
Then came this past Christmas. I am the only Canadian-born adult in my church. Other than a woman who immigrated from England, everyone else immigrated from India or Pakistan.
With so many immigrants, very few church members have family here to spend holidays with so we have holidays at the church together. This Christmas there were English, Hindi, and Urdu Christmas songs all playing at the dinner and some of the people got up and started doing traditional Indian dances to the music.
I thought it looked fun and wanted to join, but the things my ex would say kept popping in my head. Finally, I thought, “Who cares what he would say?” And I got up and started dancing. I didn’t know the dances, but I just copied everyone else. To my shock, they all loved having me join them!!!!! And I had a blast dancing until I was totally exhausted!
If you can't break contact with toxic person completely (for whatever reason) that needs a lot of distance, as little exposure as possible, very strong boundaries and zero expectations or hope for other person to change.
Hope is merely wishing about the Future. Regret is wishing about the Past.
In my experience, MONEY is the number one reason to endure narcissists. Narcissists seem to be experts at attracting wealth. It’s in their best interest to maintain financial disparity ; maintain the class system status quo. There’s a lot of BS folks wouldn’t waste their time tolerating, except they need the money.
I am SO VERY HAPPY now that I've gone no contact with my narcissistic family! It will be 4 years this April. I had to go through the grieving process, but it wasn't nearly as bad as being around them. It took time to meet new people, I had times of loneliness, but I was more lonely with all those toxic people in my life. I do not feel uncomfortable doing things alone anymore, it just took practice. I read all of Robert Greene's books, those have really helped me to learn about people in general. I did everything mentioned in this video to try to stay in those relationships. Dr. Ramani is my hero, I wouldn't be in the happy space I am now without her. THANK YOU, DR.RAMANI, THANK YOU!
Well Done! Inspiring! ❤🎉
I waited 23 years hoping our dil would change. She made clear before their wedding she didn’t like us. Watched as she taught our oldest granddaughter to hate us. Hoped our son would see what she was doing . But she has now brainwashed him as well. Our other adult children told us 12 years ago that she was treating them with contempt, encouraged us to break ties for 3 years. So we did and I felt better for a few weeks. But I feel worse again - grieving, knowing that there is probably no chance of ever seeing my son or grandchildren again. They are all teenagers now and probably all hate us, it is heartbreaking and so unnecessary. They have no ties to any grandparents, aunts, uncles or cousins from his side of the family. 😢
I don't know what your actual circumstances are, but my abusive grandma saw me as poisoned against her, and it was partly true. But it was her son telling me half the horror stories, not just her DIL. She was outrageous with my dad. And whenever I did interact with her, she was volatile, unreasonable in her perception and thinking, quick to put you down in response to frustration. She had the classic blame shifting and lack of awareness of an abuser.
Estrangement isn't always a way you're looked down on unjustly. Sometimes it's for personal safety.
@@infinite10045 I’m very sorry your grandma was abusive towards you. I hope you had other grandparents that were loving and wonderful to you.
Hope in a narcissistuc relationship is fantasy; the chance a narcissist or the relationship will improve is zero.
Thank you 🙏🏽
I wish more people would make themselves aware of how people with personality disorders operate. Not only can they wreck relationships but social groups as well. We recently had a new neighbor who I am pretty sure is Borderline with some N traits, join our well established group for dinner. I had known her for a few months, even done a nice favor for her, but I had a feeling something was off with her from the get go and those feelings intensified. For one thing she insisted on hugging everyone every time she saw us and began giving little gifts to the extent that it felt intrusive. The next day, after one of our dinners, she showed up at my door, accusing me of "mocking her" at dinner. There was no basis for that comment. What I realized was that the normal level of emotional intimacy in the group had offended her. She went from accusing me to disparaging another neighbor's comments as intrusive and as it became clear the next day, she also managed to work "behind the scene" to ignite some petty grievances between that neighbor and another group member. At this point I have little choice but to back away from a group I enjoyed and hope they figure out what is going on.
If they have accepted her whilst not supporting you then you need better friends. I know its not your fault but they would be there for you if they actually cared. It is only a matter of time before one or all come running back. Then you need to decide if you want them back. Until then, let them prove they are your friends, keep your distance and avoid any further blame. Maybe then, they will see it isn't you but her. If they never come back, they were never truely your friends. Stay strong.
@@robertfreeman4749 Thank you for your support! And I so agree about friendships, I can think of one right now I need to let go of! The group in question here is made up of neighbors and we each have our value, so it is a little different from traditional friendships. I am the fixit person as I have lots of tools and abilities in that area, two of the others are good cooks, one guy can be depended upon to do heavy lifting when we need it and another is older and has many health issues, so we all look in on him. The cooks often do dinners for us as their contribution to community. We occasionally socialize outside of this, but rarely. The downside is most are very non-confrontational people who would rather "walk on egg shells". They will simply want to avoid a conflict with her and if that becomes too much trouble the dinners will stop. Sadly. If I am right, they don't even have that choice. I totally agree about stepping back and letting the pieces fall where they may. She told me not to discuss our "talk" with anyone!! I'm sure she has, but I'm not putting my foot in that. In the end, I have real value within the group that she will never have. While I will be skipping the meals she attends, I'm sure I'll be handed leftovers if they continue at all!
I too have been caught up in groups, such as at work or in my apartment complex where there is a trouble maker. Most people are oblivious and naive and fall for it, sadly.
And I haven't found any solution except to be a little (or a lot!) more distant with all the people involved and sucked in.
Yep. I admit I am powerless. Right now she has one woman defending her "sensitivity". If I'm right about her having a strong Borderline component, things will fall apart because the more they elevate someones value, the bigger their abandonment fears and lashing out over the smallest imaginary betrayal. Borderlines have issues with emotional regulation. You have to feel sorry for them because unlike N's many can't control themselves without years of therapy and they have a high suicide rate (10%). Research suggest a biological component for many. While I don't like her behavior towards me, I don't want to see her ostracized from the community because no one understands her core issues. At the same time, the likelihood of people who aren't very interested in anything other than going to work and coming home to Netflix wanting to educate themselves about BPD is zero. Thankfully she has a therapist, or so she says.
I hope she gets uninvited
I am ENOUGH and don't need someone in my life to validate me. Love yourself ❤
Dr. Ramani, you are awesome, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I have learned so much listening to your videos. I'm in a much better place today than I was a year and a half ago. Blessings to you 🙏 and everyone on this channel 🙏 ❤️
That's a good message. Both my parents undermined me for decades to enmeshed me and make me compliant. Learning you're adequate enough is positive. Narc parents teach you're not enough, not capable to keep you on the hook because they're so insecure
I was in a toxic relationship for 99.5% of my life and am now just understanding who and what I was dealing with. Once I was able define my egg donor's behavior a light bulb came on and it all made sense. I had spent so many years scratcing my head and second guessing myself. To finally recognize that it was not me, but her was one of the greatest moments in my life. I gave her 57 1/2 years and I am now 58. I' will save the rest for me.
GOOD FOR YOU!!! YAAS!!😂😂😂💯
I lost 36 years. Exact feelings.
Dealing with narcissism in the elderly is a giant PITA. People will use that “respect and honor your parents” and “respect your elders” even if you’re not related to them and only a few years younger, to the hilt. It’s never considered that you may be being dragged by an entitled, narcissistic horse, straight to your death. People may not know how bad it can get, but they wouldn’t care anyway as, they’re so busy assigning someone, while they are escaping. It can become as bad as an aging narcissist, who wants you to give up EVERYTHING, your life, your pursuits, your pets (to be replaced by their own), your income, your health, benefits and retirement, where you live, for the purpose of sleeping on their couch, to be on call, because they don’t see you as anything but an appliance. It doesn’t mean they don’t have real needs. Some DO need round the clock care. But, many won’t even attempt to prepare or mitigate their situation, because they feel that getting someone else to drop their lives, should be exactly the same as picking up a loaf of bread at the supermarket.
I think people not only assign social levels of care, like if you’re a woman, single, etc., it is - tag, you’re it. But people also assign levels of empathy, even when it’s unintentional. Like they assume that, if a person has a warm smile and pets, they must be a caregiver type and, even if they’re not, they probably don’t know how to say no so, just shoehorn them into the role.
I took care of my elderly grandmother for 10 years bc I didn’t have healthy boundaries and no one else could do it. So they said. She was horrific! I finally stood up to her and she never spoke to me again and cut me out of her will. My dad knew what I was enduring and did nothing. I could go on forever about this one. It’s horrible! Of course to the community she was so funny and so nice, while emotionally abusing me the whole time. Along with lying, gaslighting, triangulating and all the rest. My narcissistic brother ended up taking care of her, but she had to buy him a house and pay for all of his things. The dynamic in a family system like this is a nightmare and I’m still healing from it. People assume it’s your grandma, it’s your family that’s what you do. She passed in 2020 and I was relieved. Which the guilt that came with that was a whole different issue.
@@TMH792 yes, I was likely in the golden child role, without realizing it because I didn’t know anything about narcissism, for most of my life. I was the dutiful daughter, that helped my parents build 2 businesses, while my sister only appeared, when she had her hand out. But when my mother’s controlling narcissism became obvious and abusive and she found I wasn’t putting up with that nonsense, suddenly, my sister inherited a free house early. It has been my sister, since our mother’s death, 2 years ago, who has “decided” I will inherit nothing, because she spent 4 years dealing with mom, after I went no contact, since I wasn’t tolerating abuse from either of them. The police, USPS Inspection, the court - none of them have seen her for what she is and what she’s doing. She’s STILL been trying to fight to get the deed for my house transferred to her. Says her 1 house isn’t big enough for 1 person. But now, we’ll see what the Social Security Administration thinks as, she may have entitled herself to our mother’s benefits…
@@privateprivate8366 Omgosh!!! I so understand all of this!! That’s exactly it, my brother was only around for a hand out. He hadn’t shown his face for 6 years unless he needed money and it was never a small amount of money, that went on my whole life. I wouldn’t accept money bc I knew it would be thrown in my face. There’s something I’m realizing lately. I think I was the golden child and the scapegoat at some point. I looked like the golden child bc I did everything I was told, didn’t rock the boat bc this all started with my narc mother. Exactly what you said, “the dutiful daughter.” Then when I started speaking up I was ostracized. My dad who was emotionally unavailable seemed to be a decent parent until I got older and saw his backlash when I was like do you not see the patten here? Your mom was a narcissist, you married one and are still paying your son’s bills and enabling him and he’s just like them. He stood/stands up for my brother and he said I thought your brother was the one who was abused. I said bc I hid? I kept my mouth shut you never saw my mother abuse me? That brought out a side of my dad I’ve never seen and realized he’s just as bad as them. I went no contact and wish would have years ago. I cut ties with my mom 30 years ago. It makes you sound crazy when you say yes my whole family is narcissistic. I’m in the process in therapy doing the work to rewire all of this and it’s been painful. You feel like an orphan. I now understand bringing anything up caused me worse harm, but it’s what I needed to get here. My dad would boast about what my brother was doing for her and I said did you forget I did that for 10 years and for your father? My brother comes in does this for a year and half, needs an 80k truck, a house, etc and my dad goes oh I didn’t think of that, maybe I was working over time then. 😳 Omgosh just tying it out sounds crazy! Lol I truly understand they will never change and in my experience they all got worse! I’m sorry you’ve endured this and thank you for sharing your experience with me, it helped me a lot! 😊
We were all criticized heavily for the way we treated our parents. People labeled us as awful children. We tried everything to get our parents to move in with us, we traveled hours each weekend to make sure they were ok, we tried to line up home care and meals which they rejected. Finally, after several years of this, I quit my job, sold my house and moved several hundred miles away to look after them, only to be rejected and treated badly. I lost it all. I literally couldn't get a job for many months (there was a bad recession, and it was a small town). It took years for me to get back on somewhat solid footing. I am still paying off bills from trying to "do what is right" as other people would have you see it. I learned a valuable lesson. Don't cave in to other people's criticism and insults. They don't know the truth about the situation. Always look after yourself first.
@@twovirginiacats3753 really sucks the idea of “doing better than the last generation” right out of you. Doesn’t mean we shouldn’t help our parents. But, we can see that, with narcissistic parents, it’s as if we can be treated like just an extra SS# or mere cattle, to support our parent’s lives.
And I know all about the recession. Took me 8 years to find something full-time and during that time, I was losing health, while my mother was telling me I was lazy and applying for no jobs at all. She said I just wanted to live off of her, as if I wanted to lose everything. But she was also advising me and pointing me in directions, that would have me lose further. I think she wanted to ensure that her image, as the smart, beautiful, talented matriarch, married to someone who’d made a name in his field, was protected, against a daughter she’d divulged things to, that she thought I’d reveal to others. Death wasn’t too much to ask either. But of course, as you know, for others looking from the outside in - that’s your perfect, loving mother who, if you were a good and decent human being, you’d kill yourself for them.
The feeling of hopelessness is the worst emotion by far .
No, alas, 'happy' is. Because happy can blind you to dangers a hopeless person can see and prepare for a mile away.
Many narcissists will fight u 100% when u are finally done. They wont leave, they will even wait a long time and then slowly insert themselves back.
I took a good 6 months off from dating and figured out how I got suckered by a covert narcissist for 2 years after being in a 25 year marriage to a grandiose narcissist. Talked to a few guys, went on one date and was able to quickly eliminate those who tried love-bombling or just triggered my trauma. Second guy I went out with has treated me how I always dreamed a relationship should be. It's been 9 months and I've seen zero red flags. Take the time, do the work! The payoff is amazing.
Since my divorce, I've enjoyed my alone time - time to de-stress, figure out who I really am, and a fabulous period of freedom and healing. However, when does alone time become isolation and harmful to you?
Hope not only dies, it kills you in the long term. 22yrs in plus an additional year out, in the cycle of hoping.
Overall hearing, reading the cycle and viewing it from a distance, solidified that I was holding onto absolutely nothing. That in the time separated, I had actually changed while him and his cycle did not. It was hard to watch, it made me pity him and it made me feel immense sadness. I want to fix things for that person, but there is nothing fore to do. It's all his making and me undoing myself. Life will allow you regrets good and bad. Good is our children are extremely resilient, the bad is it's a forced resilience because of narc dad and I for staying and going through so much. Regret sucks.
Don’t be so hard on yourself, they are GOOD , AND VERY GOOD….THE GOOD HEART ❤️ DOESN’T KNOW IT’S ATTRACTIVE TO A BRUISED HEART ♥️
Euphoric recall - that's a new and important term for me. My ex tried to do that at the end of our relationship. He wrote a long thing about how the relationship used to be and it made me cry but not, I think, in the way he had hoped. It felt manipulative and gross. I wrote something back but never showed him. I told him I wasn't going to recall the rosy past but tell him how the present was destroying me, literally I was so sick and depressed, and how I needed him to CHANGE. No point anymore. He wasn't interested in listening or in my needs - only his wants.
I was just thinking another thing that helps me get to sleep sometimes is a hot bath before bed.
I finally left my wife of 20 years. We had been split for 2-3 years but she was always there draining me. I thought her being there was friendship. I thought I was just doing the right thing etc. Always when there was a problem I helped out etc. About two weeks ago I went through text messages shared between us and it hit me like a truck. How it was always about her. How I was always to blame if someone needed blaming. How she told me I would be alone if I leave her etc etc. Knowing that even though I try to use logic and common sense etc, how much I got it wrong about her. I felt ashamed that I had been manipulated so easily. I already suffer from PTSD etc from serving in the Army but I always thought she was there to support me yet it always shifted to about her.
I feel so burnt out with events in my life that I don't actually know who I am anymore. I am receiving counselling but when you are lost with feelings that I don't want to be found, then every day is empty with no light at the end of the tunnel.
You sound like you're in a better place now and getting good help.
The grief etc will eventually lift.
Meantime, have good basic routines, like diet and exercise, enjoying nature, etc
I hope things are improving for you now buddy
One day at a time bud, just keep breathing and take it one day at time. Avoid stuff that triggers the PTSD, even stuff on the internet. Try to do the things you enjoy and find others to talk to. Getting out into nature helps a lot, or it does for me. Just keep going and you will get there eventually.
“Just remember the good times” I grew up hearing this any time I was grieving over a death, a friend who moved or rejected me for the in crowd…
And it was very pervasive in my parents’ and grandparents’ generations.
It never helped me feel better and it was horrible advice.
It conditioned me to stay in toxic relationships (romantic or otherwise) and avoid my emotions instead of processing them which was part of what made me toxic too.
I saw the ick list video awhile back and it really helped me resist temptations to circle back because of the “good times.”
I didn’t want to cut out so much of my family but there was so much antagonism from a few of them and due to enmeshment with those antagonists it was necessary. I remember the good times, but the ick list is too long and gross to rationalize tolerating that anymore.
I have described this as my brain being like an old beat up car that I’m trying to restore but can’t if I keep taking it to a demolition derby.
Sometimes I don’t get my car smashed again and other times I have to start over in repairing it again. So, no more demolition derby relationships of any kind.
No more “Just remember the good times” nonsense.
Brilliant analogy.
@@leeboriack8054 thanks!
If their ground work was done since birth and the manipulation was happening all there lives it easier for them to get people on their side cause they have been getting everything in place. BUT I can and will not only survive but thrive cause the people that matter will know and see the truth and those that don’t , don’t matter. 🤔
My relationship with a big narc 4.5 years ago. Just within the past week, I discovered I had a block to accepting the relationship was over. I'm an energetic healer so I cleared it. Holy crap. I look forward to seeing what new things will come into my life as a result of this clearing. Yes, hope dies last.
How do you clear it?
Same question please @@Someoneoutthere67
Money. That can leave you stuck, even when you’ve got the emotional stuff worked out & you’ve achieved radical acceptance.
I use Dr. Ramani's podcasts to bring me back with my feet on the ground whenever I have these euphoric recalls, it works for me 👍
Dr. Ramni you truly are godsent! I recently began gaslighting myself and started second-guessing myself. I question if I made the right decisions. Severing ties with my mother has felt both liberating and also like death. She has caused so much harm yet I hang onto the good times, even though the bad outweighs the good. I know I can never have the mother-daughter relationship I long for though.
Don’t go back/ I’m SPEAKING FROM A MOTHER-DAUGHTER- I’ll never have that kind of relationship, I dream of that, unless/ until my daughter gets counseling we will never have that relationship because she tries to have that control over me and I’m not having it!
I like your comment Dr Ramani about people viewing a person’s aloneness as something odd or strange. “Ain’t nothing wrong with you!” Thanks, again, as always, you’re on point.
Walking away and being alone is a real part of the journey, along the way we discovered we were never alone in the first place. It was not easy at the same time we are making it through😁😁😁 #thankyouall #enjoythejourney ✌️❤️🌳💯
Mine is toxic fam, financial abuse etc. What I find I’m having the most trouble with myself is trusting me and faith that I’m capable to first get past them and secondly to be able to “make it” on my own (in a more practical sense) long term and with permanent finality. I don’t “hope” for anything anymore but to be able to get away from them…without having to go live under a bridge. Or whatever it is. My own (maybe some exaggerated) fears that I’ll just be broke and homeless or unable to pay my bills or have a decent job etc (which I was car homeless once before when I fled but got sucked back in).
This is what happened to me moving closer to my family. I lost my independence strength and confidence because of their emotional abuse. Taking myself back step by step. Getting used to being on my own. Better than being around people who make me feel unloved. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
Yes and yes. Thank you, for keeping hope alive- for the likes of us. Me. ❤
Me toooo 😂😂😂❤❤❤
Dr. Ramani thank you so much for this one🙏❤️ This is by far my favorite and imo the most helpful video of yours so far! If we know what prevents us from leaving we can unlock the key to finally be able to walk away. You covered absolutely everything! I grew up the scapegoat in a narcissistic family, my mother is a covert narcissist, one of my sisters is a narcissist too. All I've ever known is conditional love. Living for the "love", the good moments in between all the emotional abuse. I ended up marrying a narcissist, we were together for 15 years before I hit that moment of lost hope that I needed. I believe so much in the power of lost hope to leave a toxic relationship that I will be getting a tattoo about that very thing. In the song Snuff by Slipknot he sings "it took the death of hope to let you go" it's my favorite verse of the song. So dark and horrible and yet the fall to rock bottom you needed for a rebirth of life. I've been in weekly therapy for many years. I've learned lately that I'm still attracting toxic partners as I am in yet another toxic relationship for a year and a half now. I didn't want to believe this happened to me again. I was in denial for a very long time. I see it now and I'm mustering up the courage to leave. I'm heartbroken because I really thought he was the one. But I see now that I have more healing to do. I also have Dependent Personality Disorder btw so it's very hard. Even though I have felt alone my entire life, the fear of being completely alone is massive. Lately I have been writing down all the horrible things he has said to me through text or to my face to remind myself of the abuse. Just like the ick list you describe and it is so helpful. I started to realize that when I would finally get the apology I wanted, when the rage would finally settle, I was so relieved that it was over I would just move on from all the terrible things without giving it much more thought and that has kept me trapped. Along with the rumination you describe, that is a HUGE one for me. Thinking of all the sweet things that person did for me, the good times, the connection, the laughter, and I convinced myself that those things were more real than the abuse. In fact I have always done this with my Mother. When she was back to being nice to me I thought to myself yeah this is who she really is, she does love me, it's not that bad I just need to view the situation different. I'm looking at it too extreme. No. I must look at the entire picture and not just one piece of it. I think focusing on the ick list when you're going through the devaluation again, and even more especially when they are trying to draw you back in, is paramount. That plus imagining the type of relationship you truly want and could have. Not with them though, because clearly you are not getting it. As long as we settle for what we don't want, there is a zero possibility of ever having what we do want. We might as well take the leap of faith🙏❤️
My hope didn't die even after the physical violence. I have to remind myself constantly that I could have been killed by him so easily...
SO TRUE......"Hope dies last." After spending most all my life in a narcissistic relatiinships; beginning with my father. I am free of that bodaMy mother taught me how to be a codependent and enabler. It is just what I learned. But also from my mother, I learned unconditional love, and an UNDYING HOPE. What I found was that I never learned how to turn that hope, toward myself. Your analogy , Dr. Ramani, was the ONE PERFECT description. In my healing over the last 2 or 3 years, tbis is my description of my aha moment in this video. When entrapped, narcissistic relatiinship, "Hope dies last." However in the healing journey that follows, I have found , our hope finally can spring eternal."
Thank you for your expertise and willingness to share your professional knowledge and personal experiences. You were the very first video I watched years ago, about anything to do with narcissistic abuse and I have been blessed by you immensely ❤🙏❤️God bless you as immensely!! There is AKWAYS HOPE.....KEEP GOING YA'LL!! Peace is found on the other side🙏❤️🙏
People who denie that narcissism exists aren't defending them, they are defending their own actions. Enabling their own ways and those of the narcissists. They exist in the perpetual narcissistic relationship dynamic cycle and would be totally lost without it. Its all they know. ❤
You are amazing and so validating. It’s clear you’ve experienced this and “get it” fully. Thank you
Your videos have saved my life. I am preparing to campaign for more education and collaboration between another professional and his platform on UA-cam to bring more public awareness.
I wish to help promote more awareness about NARC abuse, cognizant dissidence & disenfranchised grief and some medical care for resulting PTSD or other manifestations.
It would be excellent to discuss this more.
Every case is different, that's true.
I tried to keep the leaky boat afloat. I was in denial till I questioned my existence on the planet. I went for crisis help the next day. I didn't know what I was involved in and how to get out. Been a year since that dark night. Still healing. I'm glad I got help.
Dr. Ramini is a godsend. If she could only have been around and had this platform 30 years ago. I could have avoided the 10 years of hell I spent with a female covert narcissist/sociopath. She will save so many from so much if they are lucky enough to discover her channel.
This really made me understand what the truth is thank you Dr.Romani
I told a friend I hate hope she said I was being negative
You were, and there's nothing wrong with that. Negative isn't pleasant, but it is accurate and shows you dangers would have never noticed (and thus walked right in to) when you are joyful.
This woman is making such a huge contribution to humanity. Her, and Dr Gabor Mate. Exceptional people.
I had a narcissist friend who also had a narcissist sister. They were quite a duo of destruction, lack of empathy, and adding more gas to the fire when one was down & depressed - it’s like people as souls.
The best thing for me, by far, in helping me cut the cord (between my family and my two toxic sisters and one brother-in-law) is the Gospel. If I did not have a Celestial perspective, where I know I will see my late Mother again (after being barred from seeing her in her last 18 months on Earth), I'd be a wreck. They can do what they like, but we've gone FULL _no contact_ and it's been glorious. I know not everyone has that luxury, with spouses and ex's and shared kids, but for siblings, it's been fantastic. I never would have even known such an option existed had it not been for Dr. Ramani. 🙂
My penny drop moment - the instant my daughter (not his) asked me ... "mom, is this a joke?". I had listened to him and was taking back a promise I had made to my daughter. My heart broke and I instantly apologized to her and promised that I would keep that promise. I didn't know the words of narcissism then but what he was doing was trying to isolate me from my family. I started planning my escape from him by the time I hung up the call with my daughter. NO ONE comes between her and I. I have made so many mistakes that I deeply regret (due to my own traumatic childhood) but there's no way I'm going to break a promise to her, my son or anyone in my family. He was trying to isolate me and it almost worked. I think a word that should be used much more concerning narcissistic abuse should be insidious. The abuse is insidious!!! My own father when asked why he didn't leave my narc mother responded "it was insidious and when I really figured out what she was... it was too late".
Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
Hope dies last reinforces and validates why we stay to the bitter discard of a narcissistic relationship. I don't feel so bad now and understand why I was stuck, mine was desperate denial hope 😬
Hope dies last. Yes, that is true.
The one thing Dr. Ramani has touched on but hasn’t discussed is the idea of values. Correct me if I am wrong. When you’re in a toxic relationship that is really annoying on a daily basis and sometimes truly upsetting (outrageous in abuse not physical) but the rest of what that relationship offers you is the life you have always wanted and “safe” you have to make that decision based on values and it is impossible.
Many people I have seen are upset when you discuss narcissistic behaviors. It's like missing some pieces to complete a big puzzle.
It absolutely is a thing. You have helped me so much over the last few years. I am married 20 years and am currently at radical acceptance with my covert narcissist. Having this knowledge has changed my life.
The ick list is excellent advice, I used it to over come my euphoric recall and nostalgia . It also prepared me for the very few times I had to communicate with my ex . He used these times to try to draw me back in, and because of my nostalgia and euphoric recall I was vulnerable to this manipulation . The list was my reality check and I used it.
Thank you again Dr Ramani
I agree with the ick list. I didn’t think of going that far and don’t think I will need it now, but the principal is the same as my response to almost falling for a hoover and later to the rumination. I simply reminded myself of the fact that the reason he was in prison was that he sexually abused my daughter and exploited her in a way that would have been trafficking if money was involved. That was all I needed to not go back. I imagine the ick list would be even more powerful than just one memory
I nvr knew about narcissistic ppl. I thought it was just someone full of themselves till I was told about it and Google it. Then my eyes were opened.
Hope dies last. That was what my final straw was. I KNEW then he would never change. My hope finally died and it was finally done for me. This was before I knew what narcissism was. I figured out what he was after I left and found dr ramani. God bless you for what you do ❤❤
This rings true for any relationship. Like with a toxic parent.
Thank you for your support and expert advice dr Ramani 😊 God bless you❤
I recorded our arguments, just as proof. Every now and then I will listen to remind myself why I ended the relationship. One argument was mostly him berating me and I feeling trapped, trying to defuse the situation. It was almost two hours long and it starts with him describing how he is planning to kill himself. I am not sure if he was a vulnerable narcissist, but he had many toxic behaviours.
Excellent point I never even thought of try to live in long-term hope. Thank you.
Totally appreciate this as I feel used and abused, taken advantage of by some family members for their benefit under the guise that I need their help, when I am the one helping and sacrificing for them. No more. Realizing what’s mine and what’s not. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
Has anyone felt like although you know you deserve better and have given a million chances but somehow are terrified to leave like you will be alone forever or never be loved again even though in reality you are alone and they probably don’t love you but still so scared to leave? It’s like I feel like I’m not capable or a real adult on my own even though I’m more successful and handle everything as it is now? If so, please share how you got the self confidence that you can survive alone and will be ok alone.
You are completely brilliant, Doc ❤
Thank you, it's the end for me. Its gone on too long and I've fixed myself so much. I can't fix then, I've got to walk away now.
The peace of mine i have being alone is priceless❤i just have a fear that i dont have the finances he had, I became financially dependent to him,now i have to get back my dependence money wise but i had to save myself & leave❤
Dr. Ramani you are incredibly knowledgeable. Again, your speaking to me specifically. You commented on so much I continue to experience...most importantly, you give much needed guidance. Thank You so much.
Sigh.
I'm just kind of sad that people like this are
You know?
And that good people, good independent people suffer because of people like this.
Great video Dr Ramani!
I do believe after 2 years I have found a partner who has genuine kindness and empathy. I have had anxiety around trust, but I have explained this. He recognises when I try to push him away and reacts with kindness.
I did not go into Narcissism too deeply, I used the words emotional abuse in childhood et al.
Thank you for this video. This was spot on where I’m at 2 1/2 years out from d-day and divorce.
Thank You Very Much Dr R.❤
I believe in life you have to look at the way things really are instead of the way you want things to be, I have cut my sibling off and I went through unnecessary pain and suffering because I found it hard to accept that my sibling truly doesn’t have my best interest at heart , it took me years to get it, my sibling even assassinated our daughter’s character. There is no low that the narcissist won’t go. They are miserable souls and they don’t want to change because to change they would have to admit that their life is fake and a façade. I could write a book. Live your life authentically and you will be more at peace with decisions we at times have to make in our lives.
I love you so much. Thank you for the free therapy. You're one of my heros. 😊❤️
My narc is supposedly leaving me a fair cut in the will, which is a lot, so I put in some time with her. They typically cut off the scapegoat entirely, we will see if this is another lie.
She has shredded the family. There is no reason to have a relationship with any of my siblings or relatives either. So when she’s gone (she’s late 80’s), that’s it. I hope she goes to Heaven, some how, but I doubt it.
At this time, she is being a normal person, at least to my face.
When your hope dies, don’t transfer that to everyone. There are good people out there. Don’t shut yourself away, but tread carefully. You are not well. Narcissists can’t be cured, I postulate that victims will always have those blinders on.
Thank you, Dr. Ramini, very helpful❤
We can not unsee what we have seen, really 😁 great ❤❤❤😊
Thank you Thank you Thank you!!!!❤❤❤👍
Just like terminally ill patients , they're also terminally narcs. They don't get better with time. But worse.
💯, much worse.
You are so smart
Thank you
Hope dies last but it does die and the day it dies catch that day and leave.
when your parents are gte narc you end up thinking some thing is wrong with me, i am bad, i can't leave because it is me the problem
I need that ick list tattooed!!!
Thank you doc 😊
Love the daily dr ramani videos
I've rewound points made in this video more than any other video out here, and I've listened to thousands. Literally. I understand my situation more clearly and must shift my hope from the 38+ year marriage in which I've carried hope. I thought I'd endure, but seems like it would do her a favor to stay and suffer a premature death she pushes through her toxic ways of behavior. I love the comments of those who escaped. I've stayed way too long due to religious and financial reasons. I appreciate the life-saving, educational videos.
"It's time to take your life back.
I remember taking pictures of nature walks and leisure while with my ex. Often the ones I shared online incidentally had him in the distance and out of frame, whether because he was walking impatiently ahead of me during a scroll or having a conversation on the phone with a friend. I always felt a sense of anxiety that I was being abandoned, like I needed to work harder to keep him close. Now I realize that having him out of the picture was what my mind's eye wanted to capture.
There is a huge difference between not being in denial about all of the laws in the law books which the narcissist must take into consideration when he is planning ahead well enough to remain in denial only about how much of a malicious minded jerk he is while wanting his life to look picture perfect only on the surface and someone who is getting to know him while being in denial only at first about how he is wearing a mask to those photo shoots.
Hope dyng last is the very reason why you should never have any hope at all. Thanks a lot Dr ramani I feel so much better about my self now🥺I knew 🤷I shouldn't have listened to ur message 😭😕
He is really good with his children, a great father which always had me wondering why he is devaluing me and trying to silence me. Making me feel, I'm not good enough, dismissing me. Being cold at times. But then, he turns around and he is the best father. Not necessarily a good father to my daughter, not really paying attention to her but to his children he is a star and loving. I dont understand that. I think that gave me 'hope' that there is something good inside of him. Is that even possible? Maybe it's easier to be a good dad since he does not live with them. Such a mystery.
My Narc Ex showed his Empathy towards me by raging at me because I had no money to give him when he was worried about his job and flat and didn't want to 'leave himself short' for me. 🍒