Our primordial drive for sex and love | Helen Fisher
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- Опубліковано 14 тра 2024
- Your brain on sex, love, and rejection with biological anthropologist Helen Fisher.
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What happens in the brain of someone who gets dumped? One answer is increased activity in the nucleus accumbens, which is the same brain region that becomes active when you become addicted to cocaine, cigarettes, or gambling.
Romantic love, in other words, is an addiction. That’s one key takeaway from the research of anthropologist Helen Fisher, who argues that we should learn to respect the intense feelings of people who get romantically rejected.
According to Fisher, a better understanding of how the brain processes love and romantic desire can help us find the right partner and sustain a meaningful, healthy relationship.
0:00 Charles Darwin’s ‘game of love’
0:58 Sexual attraction in a partnership
1:49 The 3 brain systems
3:20 Romantic love
4:32 Romantic rejection
5:51 Long-term love & sex drive
Read the video transcript ► bigthink.com/series/the-big-t...
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About Helen Fisher:
Helen E. Fisher, Ph.D. biological anthropologist, is a Senior Research Fellow at The Kinsey Institute at Indiana University, and a Member of the Center For Human Evolutionary Studies in the Department of Anthropology at Rutgers University. She has written six books on the evolution, biology, and psychology of human sexuality, monogamy, adultery and divorce, gender differences in the brain, the neural chemistry of romantic love and attachment, human biologically-based personality styles, why we fall in love with one person rather than another, hooking up, friends with benefits, living together and other current trends, and the future of relationships - what she calls: slow love.
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"I am Helen Fisher, I am an anthropologist and I actually know where love is in the brain" Has got to be among the top 10 best oneliners of all time ahaha
That's also part of the rule of threes, a writing technique that creates good lines for movies and speeches. 'My name is Íñigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die'.
Helen Fisher is a reductionist who reduces love as a chemical. But Isn’t that cynical?
I mean if I were a damned reductionist I would claim that love depends on the breast size of a woman. The bigger, the better.
@@iche9373 as far as I understand, she has scientific evidence and you don't.
@@AlbertBalbastreMorte You confuse scientific evidence with superficial popular science infotainment, which can lead to false conclusions, comparable to Social Darwinism, which has done a great deal of damage to society.
@@iche9373 so then you claim Helen Fisher has no scientific evidence to back her claims?
Nothing hurts worse than loving someone that no longer loves you back.
Going through this right now and the pain is insufferable
@@liana007 I'm so sorry that you have to go through this :( but remember, nothing is permanent, you'll eventually get through this and you'll be stronger than ever! Sending you lots of love x
Pretty sure many parents must have felt this way but their children's lives more important so they stuck together
@@farisa1116 way more than folks say.
@@liana007if that’s you in you’re profile picture you have a gorgeous smile so i’m sure you’ll find someone who loves you just as much as you do it just takes time to heal :)
I can relate to everything she has said. I am 58 have been with my wife for over 40 years. It never gets old, boring or stale if you know what you're doing. I know I am in love with her more each and every day. People are too quick to give up on each other, especially in today's world. Stop, go for a walk, watch TV together, vacation together, do stuff you or your partner doesn't really like but do it anyway. You will grow together. Always cuddle in bed, even if one is having a hot flash. Lol
Hot flash 😂😂 but yes to cuddles!!
What is a hot flash?
@@movimientoanti-nacionalist7819 Search women and menopause - hot flash.
True, when you find your match and someone compatible 💜
@C S I know, but remember, no one is perfect. It's living with people's flaws that make all the difference.
Sustain 3 things to keep the long term happy relationship.
1. Sex drive - have sex regularly.
2. Romantic Love - novelty - try new things every time, try to do the regular things in a different ways.
3. Feelings of attachment - stay in touch. Holding hands, hugs, kisses, etc.
I am a virgin, I have never felt a partners touch, I have no idea what intimacy feels life. I got nobody to love, I got social anxiety, I’m just a dead mind In a breathing body. I hate my life and I’m miserable. But I’m making an decision to be forever alone
@@LegionnaireMC I hope life will treat you kindly, hang in there ❤️
@@LegionnaireMC you'll find the one you love or get it arranged by your parents a lot of people are virgins and pretty sure they aren't complaining
@@LegionnaireMC So you telling me you are an average Indian like me.
Nice advice.
Now if only I could follow it consistently... Hmm. Perhaps it's a good thing I've yet to be in a relationship. Gives me enough time to improve and reflect upon myself so when the time comes, I'll be in shape to be there for my other.
I would be so fascinated if she were to go on to apply her findings to people who identify as aromantic or asexual. I want to see that research so badly
Interesting subject and idea! I think that in the case of people who feel aromantic or asexual probably in those areas related to love and sex, their brains work differently, like secretes less dopamine in the ventral tegmental area, or less activity in the nucleus accumbens.. I think it's a brain chemistry issue that makes them behave that way.
Grace, so Asexual people don't even mastarbate?
Someone called? Lmao
if you are aromantic or asexual you should feel yourself as luckiest bustard ever born. Sex makes us crazy. Its more addictive then cocaine.
@@lashazhvania6813
Weird flex but ok
For most of my adult life I never wanted kids. (I still don't have kids.) But let me tell you that my biological being wanted offspring very badly in my 30s. It was soo weird dealing with that urge to pass on my genetics. It's undeniable that that biological system was engrained in us. We're definitely not a blank slate.
Same here.
Every year that goes by I believe more and more that, despite the biological urgency, becoming a mother/father needs to be decided from a rational perspective and not merely from a whim. You shouldn't have a baby because you fancy having a baby or because clock's ticking, but because you know you're prepared to be a mother/father and provide for that new human, from a place of emotional maturity and material availability. Ideally, there should be the combination of the irrational/biological urge + the objective knowledge that you're fit for it, but I know both things needn't align every time... If you have both, the chances of raising a future happy human are higher.
@@yos.5684 You're ready to be a father or mother the moment you hit puberty. Let's stop selling bs to people who then reach 35 and try to have children and can't. Take accountability and responsibility, if at age 30 you're still not able to be a father or mother because you can't provide for your family you've failed as a human. I'm sorry but it's the harsh truth, you can't just wait indefinitely to grow, the world doesn't wait for you to mature. Things have a time to be done, especially biology, can't wait forever. At 18 it's time to start being honest with ourselves, this society sells us the idea that we can be babies till our 30ies, it's not true. I think what's lacking nowadays is honest people, we all worry so much about not hurting other people's feelings that we lie to them. We gotta be honest with ourselves and people and tell them the truth, even if it might hurt them because it's for their own good, we can see the effects of reassuring people with lies instead straight up telling them the truth. The world is harsh, life ain't fair, the sooner they find out the sooner they can do something to grow up
@@griseld you can't just talk about having kids merely from a biological point of view and disregard everything else that comes into play, we aren't wild animals. we need to be able to provide for our kids and it's definitely much better to wait to have kids until you'll be able to properly take care of them, even if your fertility isn't as high anymore by that point. besides there are also other ways to have kids nowadays.
@@griseld Are you ready to be a father at the age of 18? I hope so if you say all this stuff. Would be great to see how you were like at that age and how you'd have managed.
By the way, I couldn't be talking from a perspective of deeper honesty after seeing people whose lives have been pretty much ruined by parents who should've never been parents. Or at least at the moment they were. You show obvious lack of understanding of where society's problems stem from.
You're not hurting me, by the way. I know very well my lacks, deficiencies and strengths. I've no regrets because all I've done is being honest with myself for the last 14 years.
And by the way, humans' value isn't defined by their ability to give children to the world. Actually too many people who do absolutely nothing of good for the world only bring spoiled, criminal an uneducated children to the world. I have them as neighbours. They take and take and don't work and get money because they have many children and can't be even bothered to make them respect the rest of the citizens. Other people, however do good and extraordinary things for society without the need to procreate. Tell me who's failing here as a human. To procreate you only need to ducking have sex, wow, what a feat.
"romantic love, when you are rejected, is an addiction" THIS IS TRUE. I've seen it in myself. Literally obssessing over tiny details like how long he stayed online, all the words he's ever said to me, basically dissecating the idea of him i created in my head and feeling a certain high when doing so. When the determination and willpower finally emerged in me, not checking/thinking/doing anything related to him would literally make me feel sick, as of they were withdrawal symptoms. I'd feel weak, dizzy, in deep need of something i couldnt name but needed so desperately
It's not a lie when they say love is a drug
😔
Can u explain this more? Rejected how?
@@massasanadiki3637 when the person doesn't doesn't want you
This woman saved my life. Found out about her back in 2008 I think, on a TED Talk. Her understanding of how love works, if you pay attention to the facts, will save you from a bunch of heartbreak.
Is it "Why we love, why we cheat" or "The brain in love"?
lol no , whatever she said does not work to keep a relation , its the understanding , patience and respect that keeps relation .
"True love is born from understanding" ~ BUDDHA
@@MyKillpro never said anything about keeping a relationship. I said keep you from heartbreak. 2 different things.
@@IsmailFiraz I think it was The Brain in Love. The one where she talks about the 3 types/stages of love, The role Oxytocin plays in Love, The relationship between love and sex, and so much more. i remember how shocking it was back then. It was almost like people were mad their sacred Love could be boiled down to predictable patterns of behavior.
As a man, when I was 19 I studied aboard and loved someone first but my dad took me back to China and I never see her again for the next two years my mental health gets really bad and I found out she doesn’t like me anymore and I fell to the deep bottom and gained fifty pounds and depressed dropping out of the top 10 business schools in the USA. Ppl all didn’t know why this happened to me, thought I was lazy. It took me two years to recover. But I felt reborn, maybe for men in their early life, career and self love are more important. I know it’s an inevitable chemical reaction but I realize how stupid ppl can be during love. So I try to stay focused on myself first. And I divert my main focus toward the love of a goal and objective more now.
What I've personally come to realise about love is that it is not a noun, but a verb. It comes as a result of your actions. It is something you must DO. The moment you forget this and start treating it as something you can have or not have, to keep or to lose, it disappears.
Its exactly how I think about love too!
Ofcourse emotions are a biological action potential..its what makes you do something whether it be in anger/hate or love.
Thats cool
I have come to realize this as well. it is how i know if people love me or not. through actions.
Love are bunch of hormones that triggers when we see someone cute/attractive otherwisw it's just a cultrual thing
I'll never forget my first heartbreak. I had to go off to college, and my boyfriend stayed home. It was physically painful to be away from him. I came home the next year, and it just wasn't the same. There had been something broken between us, as if the distance apart at such a young, tender age was too much. 💔 It was agonizing.
Years later, I heard from his brother that he died in his own vomit in a drunken overdose. That didn't have anything to do with me, I know, but it still hurts me to think about it. God bless his soul.
I am sorry you went through this. Even though that was unimaginable, the truth is that you are so much stronger now and that’s good!
@@rufatmammadov60 Thank you for your kind words. 😊
As if life was easy
@Neal Sharing my feelings about a complicated situation isn't complaining. It's voicing what I experienced to help others who might've gone through something similarly hard, and it might be comforting to know that they are not alone in their circumstances.
Various people process things differently. ✌️
Gggmzz
I am a 67 year old gay male and I have had 3 long term relationships, 7 years, 12 years and 9 years. I’m have finally realized I have never been in love. It had to do with abandonment issues, low self esteem and fear of being alone. And being needy. I worked through all that and now I’m single and really don’t care about having a partner or if I’m alone or not. I learned there’s a big difference in being alone and being lonely. And I’m usually not lonely.
Very proud of you. I think a lot of people feel like once they’re a certain age everything is set in stone but that’s not true. We will always keep growing although it’s not easy. I’m glad to hear you chose to fight for yourself :) you deserve that
I'm aromantic asexual, and I feel you. For the longest time I tried to date people just because it was expected and everyone just assumed I must be so lonely as a single person (myself included, thanks to the brainwashing). Eventually, after a decade or so of introspection, I came to the same conclusion as you, that alone and lonely are not synonyms. And I'm happier than ever, leading my solitary life filled with projects and exploring and passions, while also being surrounded by the family members and friends and pets... so I definitely don't feel lonely even if I live alone ☺️
@@Kotifilosofi I feel that. The amatonormativity goes crazy.
Congratulations John, blessings
@@dominicgunderson yeah. As well as the heteronormativity. We really need education of the different orientations among the whole population. Since you never know who's not straight, and if the knowledge about different orientations is not available, every individual needs to have their own individual battle to find out who they are, against the norms. Which could easily be avoided by a little mention of the existence of different orientations.
I went through a massive heartbreak over the past 2-3 years and now that I’m feeling much better I’m realizing that I went through an intense withdrawal phase like typical drug addicts I imagine go through. Without knowing it and without seeking proper help. I wish absolutely anyone in this situation to be held and to heal promptly. Patience and acceptance that we are slowing recovering are key to me.
Can relate. Post 10 and 15 years.
i feel that. but the boy who destroyed my heart and gave me trust issues that ruined all of my future relationships just followed me on social media after years and i felt nothing. i felt surprised at the audacity of him to follow me after i begged him to come back and he just walked away again. but i don’t miss him anymore. i miss the times when we were in love but i don’t miss him because he was a fucking coward and wasn’t willing to risk anything. i risked everything and lost. but now im healed, and he can’t change me.
My ex wife freaked out on fertility drugs and came home from a fertility appointment to tell me she wants a divorce. Breaking that connection with another person that quickly was the most painful experience ever. Like someone stabbing me in the back of the head with a spear, terrible nightmares, panic attacks. Was god awful experience.
Wish you moved on and doing better now
You’ll never pick one like her again
@@bernstock There's no "like her"
People are all different. Even same behavior in different people can be different results.
This is why marriage has zero benefit for men.
@@bluegiant13 what a way to show you are under the age of 21 kid.
Novelty is super important! She said making sure not to get into a routine and switching it up makes a huge difference in long term love.
Captain Obvious got its facts
Why would anyone listen to any of this. Don't people know whats good for themselves they have to go by someone else's opinion. Wow can you dress yourself
@@tommac21 why would anyone listen to a scientist and the facts about something? No ideia, dude. But you must be super intelligent
People that “choose” to withdraw from a romantic love are so brave.
Sometimes you just have to make the decision for the better good for both parties (especially when it’s so toxic) no matter how hard it is.
And maybe you’ll meet again and finally work it out, or genuinely be happy for each other how life has turned out.
My story ❤️🔥😿
My husband likes to put Hershey’s Kisses up my bum and then pretends to eat my poo while I push it back out.
Apparently it’s as brave as kicking heroin, so I’d have to agree
It's very interesting what she said about the activation of the areas of "calm and security" in long-term relationships. When I started going out with my now-husband, I felt an overwhelmingly soothing feeling of precisely that - calm and security. Something I had never felt before with anyone else. And it just struck me. I still remember that moment, how good and safe it felt. 5 years together and counting ❤
My recent ex wife is a meth addict, and it took me 7 years to get rid of her. No matter how much she lied and cheated on me, I always tried to forgive her. I had to leave her when our son was born, because it’s not just my safety now. It’s his too, and he can’t protect himself as well as I can protect everyone.
Why TF did you produce a child with that addict then?
I am sorry you went through this. It's good that you are able to protect your son. I hope you both will be okay now and later
I am proud of your for leaving. It may be good to go into counseling or a support group. Family of addics suffer a lot and need healing too.
My husband is a special forces operator, he likes doing sport and exercise. Lots of it.
The thing is, I was a very mentally ill back then. I was walking through the forest one morning, very early, with a rope in hand. You know what I was thinking of doing.
He saved me, and slapped me across the face hahaha.
I'll never forget how incredibly alive I felt when he just held my shoulders tightly and screamed at my face.
We started dating, and then we got married like a month later. He is the reason I'm alive, he cured me.
My hero.
what i see in my mum is that she falls more deeply and deeply in love with my father each year and my father has a tremendous amount of respect for my mother. My mum didn't have her parents by her side growing up, my father did. I think that that shows that no matter what we can fall in love , just differently but the reward that will be given to us is the same ultimtely
73 years old. And sadly physical, and to some degree romantic love has departed from our marriage of 34 years. But, attachment love is stronger than ever as both of are experiencing a decline in health and I am utterly devoted to seeing her through this period of everyone's lives. So.... For the needed stimulus to the areas of the brain where romantic love is? 5 years ago we got our first dog and it feels like a part of me reawakens each morning with my first look at this sweet little creation. And, so many aspects of my life turned around... things like anger, cognitive function, and harmony with others
so romantic love isnt an addition when you are in love but is an addiction when you are dumped.
the trick is to not make everything in your life about romantic love youknow, it's like we all believe that there should be one person that should make us happy and all, but forget that you cannot extract lasting happiness out of someone else. same as with a drug.
it makes sense that we grow attached to our loved ones but at the same time it's our attachment (addiction) that is also causing our own suffering.. we are born alone and we die alone so better make sure to always be good on your own! weather being with someone else or not
I don't think it's been meant that way. Romantic love is only similar to addictive pathways in having those intense withdrawal symptoms when the object of love is not available anymore. Romantic love doesn't do any harm like most addictions do. Because millions of years of evolution has designed it to release brain chemicals in such a balanced way that'd nurture the brain instead.
If you can draw a distinction between your love and the other person as the object of your love then it should not be a problem. Love is smth that is yours, always inside you, not something that suddenly appears when you meet the other person. It is the dissolving on the other person, blurring of the boundaries that is bad. People suffer from love or losing the other person when they expect too much from them, depend too much on them instead of themselves.
I have played poker for income for most of my adult life and have been very disciplined. My girlfriend which I adored lost intimate feelings for me recently and I turned to extracurricular gambling as a coping mechanism, as if I wanted to lose it all and didn’t care. This is an eye opening video for me
Yeah I'm in a similar situation, I drank alcohol and used drugs infrequently and controlled (alcohol maybe 1-3 times a week, other drugs usually weeks if not months apart). I've had a very drawn out and difficult break up over the past month, and it's been hard trying to cope with it
I ended up in a depression several years ago after separating from my girlfriend and eventually checked myself into a behavioral health facility for help. While I was there I attended an AA meeting and was very surprised to find that I was dealing with the exact same things that they were. I was going through withdrawal from an addiction. That recognition helped me enormously in overcoming it. Years later I'm now still very much in love, but I know how to moderate it in a way that the addiction doesn't take control of who I am. I can recognize when it starts becoming a problem and take steps to correct it. I can now be a partner instead of a dependent.
Love is most definitely an addiction, but addiction isn't necessarily a bad thing if it's kept in check. Moderate addiction can keep routine from becoming mundane and meaningless. It just can't be allowed to become the sole source of meaning.
Thank you!
I wouldn’t say addiction isn’t a bad thing, I’d just say that what you have isn’t really an addiction, wich is great… when anything becomes addictive, stops to be useful for you
As an aromantic asexual, this was interesting to watch. I've always felt there's something different about my brain compared to anyone else, now I may know the locations 😁
Also, I have to say, it always did feel like my friends were unders strong addiction when they fell in love. They became uncontrollable, obsessed and even stopped following even their most important principles like anything else lost it's meaning in life. It's weird to now learn that what I have been whitnessing, was actually a brain function comparable to addiction.
So interesting! You should join her next study haha
@@tasneemahsanullah2895 yeah! If someone buys me the flight tickets and hotel 😄
Haha ! That’s so interesting. You have an outsider point of view ! When you put it like that it makes so much sense
@@lilli-.- in fact, people have always been asking me advices for their relationship issues, even if I've never been to one and never talk about the subject :D I guess somehow they see that I'm the "unbiased one" on these things. On the other hand, sometimes people hate it when I can't relate to their struggles and I'm not necessarily always agreeing with whatever seems reasonable and obvious to people who fall in love... so there's pros and cons to it I guess 😄
It sounds horrible to say, but addiction as it relates to romantic love is a good thing!
UA-cam and all of us humans might not have come into existence without it.
Early in our history if we didn't prioritize love above all else most offspring would have been left to fend for themselves, this is why addiction might have been necessary.
Not enough offspring equaled no future for us back when the entire human population was the size of the smallest town today.
Wish she talked more about how to handle rejection and how to know when it’s time to open ourselves up to what seems like a near inevitable attachment when we engage in certain physical actions with someone else
Awesome to see Fisher as I've actually been citing her scientific papers for years (in discussions where people try to act like love is some weirdly unquantifiable thing and I needed evidence proving otherwise). Didn't really know much about her, except that it was clear from the start she did a lot of papers on the topic. So it's sweet to hear her actually explain the process she went through (even if in a very basic way).
Yeah, i remember watching her Ted talk like 10 years ago, similar topic. She devoted her life to this.
I think the disconnect with society involving love is English only has 1 form of love. Latin has 7. Perhaps if we had the right word for each scenario of love it could improve. I love chocolate but not like I love my girlfriend
@@skepticalgenious What would that change? Meaning: _be specific, which of those 7 types of love are weirdly unquantifiable?_ If none, then I don't really see how that changes things (or really even addresses the mistake I've pointed to).
What is actually her contribution besides the public knowing a few fancy words like oxytocin etc.? Or is it just about supferficial infotainment, which she has repeatedly sold as a bestseller in recent years?
@@iche9373 I mean it's not hard to look up someone's scientific papers. The knowledge gained from those experiments, documented in those papers, is her contribution. Like I said, I didn't watch _any "superficial infotainment" at all_ when I originally knew her; I'd never read her books or seen her in anything else, I was _ONLY_ aware of her scientific contributions.
Love how passionate she is about her research and sharing it with the world!
I just found this channel this morning and I'm enjoying these videos so much. I love hearing these educated people talk about ideas they're passionate about with research and data. I also like how they sometimes make it personal by mentioning family and such, and by facing the camera as if it were a one-sided conversation. And the editing and soft music - there's just a certain charm to these videos.
I'd love to hear Fisher speak about people on the asexual and/or romantic spectrum!
Same
love is a strong force of actions. i think the existence of this contradiction is from the complexity of life itself, like suicide and self-preservation. these contradictions just happen in this jumble of variables.
in a olisunvia video she said she thinks ace people are just confused and havent found the right person yet.
@@maggie8081…. I don’t think so man lmao
@Harlonna ahh sorry you dont think what??? im ace i dont think aro and ace people are confused thats what helen fisher said when olivia asked her questions about acespec people! does that clear things up??
Helen fisher just explains everything so good, i love the videos that she‘s in! Would love to get more content of her work
I was halfway through this when I realized that this study is in the IB Key Study List.
I'll never forget this one again.
I am a psychology student that literally just finished an exam today on biological psychology and neuroscience. I definitely have heard of the name Helen Fisher in some of my course this is really cool. This is extremely interesting and this gave me motivation to start my lap report tomorrow on executive function between bilingualism and monolingual.
My husband likes to put Hershey’s Kisses up my bum and then pretends to eat my poo while I push it back out.
How’d it go?
When you fall in love, take it slow. Our human desire to be loved is a curse and a blessing.
Thank you for the video.
I feel this.
Makes me wonder why divorce rates are up and why young men and women report feeling lonelier and more depressed than previous generations ever have. I can't help but correlate it with the rise of social media, it's greatly at odds with how the brain deals with love and intimacy.
Seems pretty obvious to me: better standards, climate collapse and political turmoil, more educated people and awareness, power to leave bad relationships, financial hardships, poor mental health, dating apps possibly, unhealthy social media consumption, etc. Our generation are struggling in this mad world.
Not enough income and too many work hours for those 18-66. Young people can't even leave their parents' homes.
Because divorce was harder in the past, and it was common that husband had affairs to compensate that passion deficit.
Because of high socioeconomic inequality thanks to the neoliberals.
Many people cheat now as well, they lost their morals. They think cheating happens when they have s’x. But no, cheating happens when they have 2 people in their hearts or minds which will result in s’x
It is the most important and informative video I've watched this month. At the start of the video, I really wasn't believing that love is biological factor. But then you asked a simple question: "If anger, fear, disgust and joy can't be a part of the supernatural, then how can love be a part of the supernatural, how love can just be a phase of life.??"
This question by her (Helen Fisher), gave me reason why I should watch the video till end.
Helen Fisher... I still remember watching all of her videos that she had on UA-cam about ten years ago... I love her work💜
Romantic love after being rejected is an addiction? What if you're the one deciding to break up? I felt positive when breaking free of a bad relationship, still thought of her often, but certainly didn't crave her anymore and whenever dreamt of her I interpreted it as a reminder of what to look forward to with someone else. The new possibilities for a better future was a much more powerful emotion than a sense of loss.
Then you are not rejected, you are the one rejecting.
@@marbleous Yeah that's it, I'm wondering whether there is an addiction still even if you reject them. In a way I think there was an addiction to reflecting back on things, but it didn't feel upsetting like the loss of a loved one.
Maybe she's referring to the addiction of romantic love in itself, not the person you broke up with. For example, you broke up with her, she felt the rejection and pain, but, you still yearned for romantic love with someone else after that, as you mentioned having dreams of romantic love, because you had a taste of it and wanted more.
Just a thought.
@@Leo-mr1qz Yes that makes a lot of sense, I think you're right, thanks for the reply 🙂
Last week and for the first time ever, I'm the one who ended the realtionship. And guess what, it's just as bad because i loved her. Throughout my past experiences and the last one I'm truly convinced the "right one" is you. Live for yourself.
Loved this data driven content Helen! Also for sharing your childhood story and it’s context for you. Such fascinating and groundbreaking work you’ve done. I can only start to imagine the amount of potential applications of your findings! Awesome! 👏❤
This has got to be one of the best videos I have ever watched. Extraordinary content from Helen Fisher.
It makes perfect sense that love is addictive, you bassically become 1 with another person and with losing that person, it can feel like loosing a part of you.
Wow I have been saying that this is a real part of who we are for a very long time. THANK you. I'm not a doctor. I do know that you are and step by step you found that love is real. It's part of who we are. This is so kool. What this means to me is that we are wired with purpose. Each and every person has a true place in life. They have a place and no one can take that away. Good job. If I had a medal I would give it to you. All I own is me. So I will give you a little bit of me. You and your team I give you the best of humanity. Long may we live.
we'll never fully be able to explain love . But indeed it is the primordial driving force.
Violence and hate are the primordial speed bumps.
I thought I was in love with someone else from my past while seeing new people but I have been addicted to him for two years… he keeps reappearing and the feelings come back, it is really an addiction!!
What an informative and relaxing video, really great to watch. And also her, what a calm and determined woman. Thank you for sharing, it's really great to have the answers to some questions that you might not even know you had! ❤
Love is a need like food and water. When we don't have it, we suffer.
damn about to turn 21 and never had it.
You have markers for direction like checkpoints that lead you to a location.
1) visual Attraction
2)Oxytocin on touching
3)Intimacy and dopamine love
4)Attachment till baby survive
5)Falling out, looking for another mate
6) Not fulfilling this causes release of stress hormone
All roads lead to baby making. A complete system
I believe in that, but I think that the psychological part has a greater role, hormonal regulation is sometimes due to the physiological and psychological state, and the individual experience that make "marks" on ours brains
Yes. And enough babies to sustain a population under harsh conditions. Heavy predation, bad climate, different ecosystems, competition and natural disasters. If the time is 200K years ago, if a couple is not making babies, they are not contributing to group survival. If you get tired (or frustrated, or x) go make babies with someone else. It's adaptive. 200K years ago the mortality rate for babies was much higher than it is now. Same for for mom's giving birth.
It's 200K years later and mind has outpaced our biology. Now what? We still have to adapt to the new jungle. The human jungle.
Yea, just reduce your loved ones as birthing machines.
@@iche9373 uneducated comment
@@iche9373 loved ones like family dont please my visual attraction, dopamine love,nor want a baby nor get stressed. its only the opposite sex and baby making is the point of love.without love we wouldnt exist
This makes so much sense!
I am fascinated by these findings!!!!!
Great work!
I hope this kind of research can save my generation. It seems hopeless right now because of the destructive nature of dating apps, encouraging toxic traits, and avoiding seeking help
What if you've never really experienced the rush of romantic love for another person, and you don't care when a partner dumps you? That's always been how I've been.
That's my main concern with this video honestly.. She doesn't mention the people who don't experience those feelings, particularly ace people..
I also think her talk misses out on the fact that there are people who have more than one partner they're committed to... perhaps she discusses it elsewhere.
It's fascinating and cool, though.. but definitely wondering about those gaps.
Hi @catherine birch! These lack of feelings could be for a whole host of reasons, and until you take into account the full context of your emotions (whether this "absence of romantic emotions" is recent, a short-term or long-term thing or always been this way; whether anything's happened to you in the past that may have affected you; etc etc etc) you might not know what's going on.
You could be asexual or aromantic, in which case this is a standard baseline of how you do/don't experience attraction and romance. It's all good, there are plenty that fall on the aro/ace spectrum & they lead happy, fulfilled lives.
Or maybe you've never felt these emotions because you've never had the opportunity to? We're all internet strangers here so we know nothing about you. Maybe you're really too young to have experienced some this stuff? Maybe there are people that were or are in your life, or situations that have happened in your life, to make you extra-cautious about feeling romantically vulnerable to someone? Whether that's abuse, neglect, trauma, anything really.
Or maybe it's something else entirely? Mental health stuff maybe? When I was at my most severely depressed, I felt really, really numb towards everything I'd previously cared for, and sometimes this includes people. I still loved my friends & family, but wasn't good at treating them right, but when I tell you I was *dead inside* to any romantic partners - I mean I genuinely had zero, thought I was asexual, interest in anyone. For close to 8-10 years. I've only suffered with depression so I don't know if any of the other disorders/illnesses include that numbness of feeling.
Anyway this message is meant to hopefully reassure you as well as maybe providing a few things you might find useful. You don't have to take any of my advice/thoughts seriously, I don't know you or your life or your brain, and I'm definitely not a professional.
But from one human to another, if you're not overly worried about this - it's not causing you distress or anxiety, maybe you don't need to worry about it. But if you're anxious about this, then yeah - I think some introspection about yourself & your situation can help, and then from there you can research what you think it might be. If you're truly worried your doctor / therapist / counsellor can also be of help! Maybe even ask friends & family for their thoughts (if you're comfortable with that and you trust they'll handle your question seriously or sensitively). But ultimately you will know you best. Help and guidance are v useful in figuring it out, but ultimately it's your brain and your heart so just pay attention to those.
Best of luck xx
@@katara9for most people aroace people aren't even real
@@trevor6717with her eyes, probably
@Tre Vor I'm not gonna assume the worst in people and think that they can't handle a couple of paragraphs. So many people read and love long comments, long articles, long books, long videos. Also, up to her what she does - I willingly put my thoughts forward but she's not obligated to read them if she doesn't want to.
It’s so cool when science becomes very moving. Thanks Helen for your research. This matters.
This is so eye opening! I have struggled so much with relationships so this helps me tremendously. A very brilliant scientist 🤩
I went through a series of rejection and heartbreak. I had a difficult childhood where my parent violently seprated. This video has make me understand some of my issues concerning about why am so unlucky in love Thanks
Maslow also knew that love and sex, intimacy is important and not just a phase. I am cutrently researching how Maslow's hierarchy and Lorenz's imprinting fit together. A lot of scientists think that these two theories don't fit together. But I have seen that they very much do, in more than one facet of love. Shelter, as well takes many forms. Grateful for this video. Science! Gotta love it!
R u saying that inprint goes beyond mama-baby relations, that it can influence lover-lover relationship?
Rejection becomes obsession >> becomes addiction >> turns into stalking!! Food for thought. Nice concise interview.
I was too focused on the men I loved improving their lives (my fiancé and my husband).
Good God… I’ve never hurt so hard. The betrayal (I won’t go into it)…
I was rejected AND betrayed twice.
Please respect others and their feelings. It will come back to you.
I love this whole video. Thanks for analysis and putting it forward so beautifully. :)
So interesting! Thanks a lot Helen Fisher for doing this interview/presentation!
@@mcmacshalfilya Were you giving lessons on how to be an Internet creep when you posted this?
This would explain a lot about how people have reacted recently to the Replika situation, where people have been "acting very much like addicts" when their Replika switched off the sexting functionality, some threatening suicide. Anacdotally, I've felt addicted to an ex before, where both of us would hook up again and again and again, both of us knowing that we were terrible for each other, but we kept coming back for the sex. It felt very similar to trying to quit smoking.
This is a masterpiece. I haven’t been excited about an artist in years. I am so happy to have found her music
???
The rejection portion of the video is insightful and could tie in to addiction issues and childhood abandonment/rejection issues
The feeling of being rejected by a person you have developed feelings for is really extremely painful, I went through it recently for the first time and I have to confirm it. It's difficult. 😥
My husband likes to put Hershey’s Kisses up my bum and then pretends to eat my poo while I push it back out.
Im in the same boat no matter how hard i tried i cant satisfy the wishes of specific tiny women and there profaness
What a beautiful thing to study! It’s sad though that society and media (wrong media) is making us turn our back on love by giving us far too many options and unrealistic expectations. Love will ALWAYS conquer all of you both love one another and appreciate that.
Only true for women. For men, this is just another ask.
That study is amazing,Halen Fisher very good job! I'm highly impressed.
Thanks for this wonderful video and thanks for the work Helen😄
I remember philosophy at my Catholic University; they argued for the supernatural in love and consciousness, and I always thought it was bullshit, but wasn't able to attack their premises with my knowledge at the time. This work finally gave me the language and evidence to do it!
But a well-studied Catholic would say, "well, it's BOTH supernatural AND natural!" We can study the natural part, but it only tells half the story.
I still don't think anything she said "proved" anything? Maybe I'm just dumb? Isn't she just saying that feelings that we have happen biologically within the brain? How is this new information?
When she says the sex is important or necessary, I don’t take it personally, even though I’m very asexual and don’t have a libido either. I wish I could understand why people like me are made this way.
It's unfortunately a birth defect, granted the only thing it does is affect your chances at reproducing so at least it's not debilitating.
Because of chemical imbalances in the brain
Her studies are so meaningful and intriguing! Great resects for this beautiful scholar.
We tend to think of love as surreal or like the reviewer said, supernatural. In that sense, we EXPECT to feel high in love. That if we dont feel giddy all the time, its not real. Maybe if we stop thinking of it as something unexplainable, we can take the first steps to not letting it control us. Truth is, we don't need the dopamine rush, the intense romantic feelings or the sex drive to actually be in a healthy long-term relation. That implys asexual or aromantic people are less programmed to be in long lasting relationships and that also doesn't explain why at times people with high sex drives/attachment aren't able to maintain relationships. No one wants to admit it, but love only works if both partners are decent and hardworking people. There's simply no other magical explanations. Maybe we can then begin to look past the dopamine levels at something beyond. Something more meaningful than simply desire.
I agree with you. It’s two people who want to stay committed to each other and make the relationship work out
Consider also: Cognitive Dissonance: Expectations versus reality. The force behind agendas (good or bad). How life is perceived to be versus how one wishes perceived life to be.
your perspective has my attention
@@purabus5450 Did your perceived reality meet your perceived expectations?
Good and bad don't exist, pseud.
@@Djellowman LANGUAGE: (copy and paste from my files):
Consider the following: Language, the very thing we utilize to think thoughts and convey ideas.
Un-named Concepts -> Given a Name (could be a sound, symbol, etc) -> With an attached meaning -> And maybe even other meanings depending upon context -> And maybe even other names with the same meaning.
(Basically a Dictionary and a Thesaurus for a language).
BUT:
a. How exactly do we know for 100% certainty that we have all the un-named concepts that could ever be named?
b. How exactly do we know for 100% certainty that the meanings we give named concepts are 100% correct?
We truly do not know what we do not know.
This is a part of the 'Great Unknown'. Never stop learning.
(Always have an 'unknown' in every analysis and an 'oops' in every experiment.)
Of which, an entity or a society of entities:
1. Can name their own un-named concepts.
2. Can give their own meanings to named concepts.
3. Can have alternative meanings to named concepts depending upon context.
4. Can have alternative names with the same meaning.
(Basically, create their own language that only they and they alone know).
Learn to function in the 'Great Unknown'.
(OSICA)
Man did that explain a lot. Thanks a lot man, really helped me out here. Keep doing your research and keep diving deeper into this subject.
As a recovering sexaholic - I have come to experience the difference between love and lust. This was an interesting video on what I am only recently starting to truly experience with my spouse and it is amazing!
So is that a real thing?
I noticed I lust after nearly every woman on a street. I wonder if I am normal or it should pass at some point.
My gf is an absolute stunner and an awesome human being. I didn't cheat on her. Yet it feels like I already did.
@@mind-blowing_tumbleweed It's very normal to feel attracted to other beautiful women. Have you considered ethical non-monogamy (ENM) at all? It may or not be right for you, give it a thought if you really desire having sex with other women (please don't cheat on your gf)
@@ima.m.1658 I decided that sleeping with other women won't resolve any issue. I've slept with about 8 in my life and after each my life barely changed. I don't think upping this number to 300 would help.
Also I don't believe in open relationships. So what is left is to work on my mindset not to use sleeping around like self esteem boost.
Thank you for reading all that 👏
@@mind-blowing_tumbleweedThe ancestor spirits are within us They can guide us, But they also have their own wants & desires still. Are they suffering?
A brain function, but the behaviour still persists & how we live & through ideas & culture.
You sound like a woman who cheated on her husband and who believes she has finally found "salvation"
The best book about love I've ever read was her book, she captures love more realistic that can be easily understood. Learning about love we know how to deal with love and not being fooled by love.
I love this video. It explained some Things and helped me understand my relationship better
This is informative. Keep up the good work as always.
i suggest that this channel must upload their video on spotify so we can listen to it while were in travel
Just push play and look after the road. Dont distract with the screen
I WOULD watch a whole season of this & Mrs. Helen talking about it. How about fictional attraction? Would LOVE to know MORE. Lots of love from Brazil.
I love Helen Fisher! She has the science and a profound regard for human beings...
What a fantastic and fascinating discussion. As a neurologist trying to seduce an orthopedic spine surgery I am deeply convinced may well be the right partner for me, all of this was candy to my ears... I also love reading the experiences shared by others below!... I
Lol I think you mean spine SURGEON. Pretty sure you aren't trying to seduce a surgery.
Oh, so you’re just telling us that you fell in love with his socioeconomic status as a surgeon.
Man, you are really a Gold Digger. 😆
@@squamish4244 Why surgeries can be very seductive lmao
Aww,i was just a bit late to make the obvious joke. 🤣
😂😂
I wish I knew how to successfully form a long-term relationship with someone. I keep failing over and over, like a bad dream that never ends or changes. Life is hell sometimes.
thanks a lot . this is so informative and helpful
Breakup is so bad that hurts my brain and stop functioning for whole 1 month, all my energy, angry and pain of years come in one full swing gone in full isolation mode.
But I learn one thing The true meaning of love is that “Love someone enough to let them go”. and move on to next phase of life there will be damm some trust issue dating someone new!!!
I love whatever this woman do and achieve
A real treasure for science
That is a very fascinating presentation of the emotion and condition we call "Romantic Love". I agree wholeheartedly. I belong to the school of thought that proposes that our emotions, thoughts, drives and reality is all based on our biological dictates - our genes! Amazingly, there is a viable biological explanation for almost everything we do, as humans.
Anyway - another thing. It seems that, if partners are strongly attracted to each other, their love for each other endures. It's got to be mutual.
an amazing video.. i've been searching for such content.. the hard wiring for love and attachments.. thanks
7:02 "And, you don't have to swing from the chandelier". 😅 Love it!
absolutely love this video!!!!!!!!!!! fantastic from start to finish!!! super informational & helpful!!!!!!
What kind of love are we talking about here? Is it an atachment, or are you being romantic here?
love really is an addiction and it almost ruined me big time. it's been almost 4 years and im still struggling a lot. can't pull myself together
This was the most loving ❤️ video I think I have ever ever seen. Thank you. And your welcome
Perfect timing before Valentine’s Day
This was amazing. I think I am addicted to rejection.🤣😂😅
and I'm addicted to rejecting myself
when u have persian dna u are made to be a charm man :D But srsly How come dadash!? i'm really curious
I have never felt love. I have tried to mimic it, which is basically like faking it. I don't have any kind of drive for sex either as people don't interest me in such a way. I know that I will never get children and I'm fine with that. People who have disappointed me in some way or another describes me as cold, distant and detached, nonchalant. Other people thinks I am warm, friendly and bla-blah-blah but they have never invoked that side of me. I have never been abused but I have never felt "love" for someone else, I wouldn't be able to describe it other than saying it is a chemical reaction that other people experience and blow up to make it sound magic but as someone who has never experinced this chemical reponse or impulse. I don't know.
Do I feel that I miss something? No, not really. I am autistic so I don't value other people presence and I find most people to be source of white noise who speaks out of turn and are just annoying (and stupid). Not all people who are autistic are like me - so don't judge them on my grounds. I have no problem if someone here judges me though, it is a high chance that I will judge you as a hairy ape creature.
Found you
@VindensSaga I can relate with you so much man, although I do wish I could experience love in my case since it seems like quite the experience. I'm sure everyone's indeed just gonna judge you, but it's simply because they could never understand where you're coming from and how things are from your perspective.
I can relate.
@@jamzydarth7746you are asexual and maybe also a sociopath or whatever that ‘disease’ is that makes people not feel any emotion… it is treatable, but as long as you don’t have the urge to hurt others you don’t need to get it treated necessarily
@@Steve-jobs-died-of-Ligma Yeah but what we need to do is try to be better persons, even though other meat bags are begging to be wiped out. I can shot someone in the face and eat a sandwich, not much of a problem. but I don't.
i hope her work makes further achievements in the future. She is such a nice lady.
Amazing content on this one. It was great to refresh my bio knowledge of the neuro pathways from AS/A2 Psychology. Amazing Amazing Amazing‼️Thanks so much BI ❤
Seems like falling in love comes easily to most people while sustaining love long term is a lot harder. I also think that age is a major factor and hormone levels.
The message almost seems to be that you should double down on it if you fall in love and understand it’s a ride. My question is: how do you know when someone’s the wrong one? Certainly we have all been or known the people who think they are making sacrifices in the name of love while in a relationship that intensifies suffering for both parties involved. This can be extreme or even subtle over decades. How do we know when our love response needs to be challenged and overruled?
This. We know love and relationships take effort and strengthen when overcoming hardships, but it's never explicitly explained where the line is drawn between human mistakes and inhumane abuse. How often must one think "they're only human" before the hardship becomes too much? It's all a gray area
Trial and error… I find that love has to be both sided, otherwise it’s too forced and unnatural. Both sexes need to contribute to your mutual love
@@NeroMai omg it’s the animator that I used to watch on a video about love this is awesome
Well said. And heaven forbid someone, like myself, prefer not to do hard drugs like romance or crazy rides. I’m forced to be a drug addict. Why isn’t there a pill for sexuality??
OMG you have no idea how well timed this video is!. We have a debate whether love is psychological or biological and this is such a great defense for the biological debate. Even better we just finished our Neuroanatomy 💖💖💖💖
Thank you, love the optimisation. Mother nature is great and we should learn and work with it.
I hate addiction because it is dependency. I don’t do drug, alcohol, smoking. I declared independence at 19 and never was depending on another Person financially (money is control). I also don’t immerse myself in relationships 100%. To be depending on a person emotionally signifies danger. If he bolted or died, I’d be in depression. I know about no pain no gain; To love and be loved are great joy. I did love the guys I had dated. Even romantic love was gone, I have brotherly love for them because they are good guys. It is hard to strike a balance being in ltr.
Brilliant video, so true , we are hard wired for love or to seek out love.
Seeing how the release of Dopamine is prominent when there are feelings of attachment makes me realise why as someone with ADHD, I find dating and relationships so hard.
Really would be interesting to see the activity in the Ventral Tegmental area of people who identify as aromatic or asexuals.