I resonated a lot with everything said in this video. 15 years ago I got into a fight and had my nose broken. While the doctor was realigning my nose, he said words I never forgot - "You will become a man when you stop pretending to be one." Took me many years to process that one, but better late than never
@@profundus8946 It's hard to do this topic justice in such a short format. For me it is about accepting one's eternal mediocrity and stopping trying to impress. I wanted to be a man because I wanted others to admire me, mostly ladies. And I wanted ladies to provide me a distraction from my shameful way of life. I was everything but a man, I was just projecting that image onto the world because I wanted something in return. I would only communicate with attractive women and wasn't interested in anyone else. I needed an attractive woman 5+ years older than me in order to feel like a man. Authenticity is the key word if you are on your journey of finding your healthy masculinity. Learning to enjoy your surroundings and the company of people without wanting anything in return. Suddenly I found myself enjoying small talk. Being relatable with people instead of trying to impress liberated me. Breaking away from parents is also important - but make sure you are ready for it and can deal with the consequences. It's about being accepted as an equal and my parents dropping the parental role and me not tolerating condescending behavior towards myself, my future wife and/or kids. Standing up for myself was key in order to be able to stand up for others. In my case this was essential. This also helped me get rid of my autodestructive tendencies, even a kink that I had. Needless to say, this requires building a solid financial situation beforehand. Good trick to get my shit together was to imagine I have kids of my own. Just imagine your imaginary kids just walked into your room :) The way I lived was shameful and suddenly I realized I'm not as much of a man as I liked to think. This perspective gave me unbending motivation. Live like you have kids. TLDR - It's about not expecting anything in return for being a man, else it's a self-defeating journey. Being a man is not a privilege, it's not something cool kids do, it's not a virtue, it's not grandiose or very admirable and it's not something you get to be proud of. It does not elevate you above "other boys". The harder you try being a man, the less of a man you are. It's about embracing it even when no one's watching
It’s a shame that lots of people use that phrase to get guys to hold back their emotions, sure there are times where it’s better to put your emotions aside to focus on the mission like in a war for example, but that doesn’t mean men have to close themselves off emotionally 24/7 It’s not a sign of weakness to be honest and expressive about your feelings to other people, it takes strength to pull that off, and doing that helps others understand you better which allows them to help you get through it and be stronger as a result by the end of it
There's this one scene in Oppenheimer where his ex girlfriend dies and he's in shambles rolled up in a ball out in the woods and his wife comes up to him and tells him "you pull yourself together" and acts all tough. It's supposed to be touching but I could not help to think, people will relate to this scene and feel elevated, but I just perceive it as a final nail in the emotional coffin on Dr Oppenheimer. All those repressed feelings come bursting out when he realizes the effect of the bombs and he's secretly a trainwreck for the rest of his life, though the rest of society has just painted him as an inaccessible, self-important hero. Very tragic.
how good to have a model of someone who has worked through issues of abandonment and confusion - I am so grateful for your wisdom and offerings Daniel.
It’s easier to not think of people as masculine or feminine and just think of them as people. Looking past the exterior qualities of individuals and looking into them for their personhood is less complicated than defining people by gender based societal roles and expectations.
Nope. There are important, fundamental differences between men and women, which should be appreciated. We also need both to have society function successfully. :)
I'm 40 and always felt like I was the only adult in the room with my parents. I still feel this way. What makes a man? Confidence, realistic boundaries and fears. Patience and understanding. Most importantly love. Self and external.
Your videos are pure gold and your authenticity is amazing. I've suffered from dissociation (DP/DR) since 11 years old and your videos have made me realize, that I couldn't be myself as a kid and I wasn't allowed to feel and express what I felt. I've been a shell of myself since I dissociated completely. Now that I'm an adult I shall reclaim my emotions and become my happy, connected and authentic self again. Thank you and much love from Finland.
Fellow DPDR sufferer here, also since 11, most people would fold if they were in our shoes, the fact that we haven't gone insane is proof that we're soldiers.👊🏽
Hey Daniel, thanks for your video. Im a 23 year old troubled guy. Anyways i got into a relationship with also a very troubled women of 32 years in age. At the start of this relationship i thought to myself look what a man i am, i got a hot girlfriend which a lot of guys would like to engage with! I got a woman who cooks for me, pleases my sexual needs, gives me compliments etc. Well things turned sour very fast due to both of us dealing with unresolved childhood trauma. And in a blink of an eye about 6 months into it, i didnt feel like myself anymore, i felt tense and closed off all the time. As the relationship ended i started to feel like me again, without a girlfriend i started to actually feel like a man again and i started to realise i dont need a girlfriend to be a man or to feel loved. Its just the ego that kept me in that place, that wanted something to work out where no hope was left and old programming put into me.
Sounds like you had the wrong reasons for getting into a relationship in the first place. Your main focus on her cooking, boosting your ego and giving you sex.
You entered the relationship for shallow reasons and got shallow results. Why would you enter a relationship without knowing the woman you were getting together with? This might sound harsh, but at 23 years old you should know not to enter a relationship without knowing who the person is. Anyhow, I wish you the best.
I just got out of a 6 month relationship too she was my best friend and I knew hew well before we dated. Long distance wasn't looking. You should check out Ending your inner civil war by Carl Jung. He talks about and explains the phenomenon we are experiencing.
It’s good you realize that at 23 years. But although you’re aware to love yourself, it would also be healthy for you to be able to have healthy relationships, so healing is something to work on, which you probably already know
...by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and...once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't matter. Velveteen Rabbit.
Thanks Daniel. As a woman, I have also found myself wondering what it means to be a REAL woman. I'm in my early 30s and for the longest time my definition of womanhood has been centred around my sexual desirability but as I get older, I wonder what else I should hold onto and how to let go of this notion that my worth is tied to my physical appearance. I would also love to become more firm and non compromising with certain aspects. I guess one would say I need to nurture more masculine traits as you describe them. Thanks again for another thought provoking video.
Bro, i think im doing what u did man, im homeless, but i had an option to be with my parents but my mum kicked me during daytime hours so i left fully and shitty household with her effects on my psychology. Shes a baby but a mother too? It was fucked and so now im actually trying to become a man but i genuinly feel like a boy sometimes, like a kid, cause of all this emotional abuse ive gone through from other people ie family/ friends/ authoritive figures (twats). Im only 18 im getting my shit together moving into a van im living in a homeless shelter rn its not too bad but i need my own owned property, im becoming the main figure of my life now im proud of myself. I saw ur vid on grieving btw dude a few weeks ago whilst in a hotel and it was helpful its helped me a lot cheers so much brother.
I think a lot of men (and women and trans folks) need to hear this. It is so refreshing to have this perspective in the age of Jordan Peterson and Andrew Tate. Thank you, Daniel. I am confident that ideas like yours will save a lot of lives. Most people who commit suicide are men…
Thank you so much for this Daniel - I appreciated and soaked up every single word. As a woman, I'm striving to be a Man too, just as you described in this video. Nothing to do with externals. Powerful, truth. Bless you, so much for existing and for fighting this fight. You are a Warrior of Truth ❤
Hey Daniel first impressions I got from your videos with the camera and font and apartment background is as if it was shot in the 90s or decades ago, but I think the style and format has really grown on to me. conveys an honest therapeutic atmosphere
That is so interesting what you said about the voice inside, the core, that it is neither to do with masculine or feminine. I am a woman and I feel this too. The masculine and feminine qualities which you described later, I have too (to varying degrees I imagine). And you are so right we all need both to be whole and be able to function and remain healthy in society. I think it causes us such harm when society/other people try to deny us the “right” to act or feel in a certain way because it is deemed masculine or feminine. Women need to be able to stand up for themselves, be assertive and fight, and to take control at times. Men need to be able to be vulnerable or show “weakness”, be soft, playful and ask for help. (Sorry that I probably left out loads of other feminine/masculine qualities). I think it is strange that we have even labelled these as masculine or feminine. I have never found anybody more or less of a man/woman because of any anything.
You are an amazing man for showing up for us with your generosity of sharing your genuine experiences and insights. ❤️💔 I am a woman, but I appreciate this. Along with your other videos, never fails to be comforting and/or enlightening. Thank you Daniel!
@@MrDontcareify I agree. Well in the US it's always been this way, and we're actually improving. The anonymity of the internet made people share things they never had before and made it ok to reveal certain truths offline.
Before I watch the video I want to give it a try. What does it mean to be a (psychologically healthy) man. 1. Strong boundaries. 2. Balanced regulated emotions. 3. Deep understanding of oneself. 4. Free self expression. Of course none of this is really gendered so could add in traditional traits like compassion competitiveness protective etc
Daniel I’m wondering if you’ve noticed the recent phenomenon in the west of people living with their parents well into their 30s? I’m 27 and moved out at 19, but virtually none of my friends have moved out of their parents homes (or even seem to want to). A lot of my friends are 28 and 29 too. I’d be very interested in hearing your thoughts on this. What I’ve observed is that it really stunts their growth and keeps them perpetual children, unable to deal with the adult world and it’s quite hard to have friendships with people like that.
I understand your sentiment, but the fact is, specifically in the US, everything is very expensive. I also think that the rapid proliferation of technology and social in the past two decades has stunted the growth of many young people, including myself.
True but I do wonder why people don’t just rent rooms or do house shares with their friends? That used to be very common, and I certainly would’ve done that if necessary. The people I know don’t even have a desire to ever leave
Aphrodite -- Interesting. I have noticed it. I always thought it was more of an economic thing, but maybe it is emotional -- something changing with the times. Perhaps parents wanting more dependent children.... Hmm. I also like what you said, John, about technology's proliferation. Maybe that plays a part too... Hmm.....
@@AphroditeAngel222 Why should they though? There's no inherent utility or good in moving out at all. I mean, I can understand doing it if your relationship with your family isn't good, but the idea that it makes you independent or that you're stunted otherwise is pure modern hyperindividualist nonsense. Moving out of your family home is something that people have only started doing after WW2 and it's mostly an American thing that spilled over to other parts of the West. That is really the recent phenomenon and our generation is slowly realising that it was never sustainable.
Many cultures in the east, for example, even live with three generations in the household. There's many ways of looking at things..why live alone? It can be isolating if you don't have constant social options. What if something happens to you and there's no one there to help?
Toxic relationships in childhood damage a young person's spirit. Growing up is difficult for these people who feel confused and probably deprived of their true self... how long will it take to recover? Sometimes most of their life... the pain and feeling of rejection are so strong, regardless of the fact whether they are males or females, IMHO their spirit is basically the same....
Spot On!, being a Man is a balance of both male/female qualities. Society & family trauma offset a lost boy into a 'false' sense of being a Man. We all need to learn how to really "Man Up" for life.
Profound thanks, brother, for speaking on behalf of us lost men. I used to get depressed thinking about this, but deep down, I had exactly the beliefs you just put into beautiful words. I hope you won't receive any hate from the idiots all around us, and I hope that your words will have a far-reaching impact on every man on the globe.
wow thank you so much for this video. Im struggling with this exact same topic right now at my 23 and i have been very confused the last few months, this video really made rethink a lot
in my current stage in life, I am realising being a man is having insecurities and fears, but to control them is what separates man from boy inside of me.
Thank you for sharing this Daniel! 🙏🏻 I totally agree with you on a healthy mix of masculine and feminine qualities in order to feel balanced and stable enough to withstand the pressure from the world. 🙌🏻 Also, as a woman, I struggle with the female hormones too! Nature pushes us to procreate (higher sex drive when ovulation happens) and then to be aggressive or overly emotional shortly after when the PMS hits. This is frustrating because it means that we feel unaffected by hormones only during 1 week in a month! I've gotten better at managing this but it's still a struggle sometimes.
This is such a clean, clear and open answer and addresses all the confusing toxic info out there about how to define masculinity now. I will share this with students and others.
This video and message needs to be more shared in this world full of addictions and "adult boys". Thanks for sharing your experience, it helped me when I needed the most!
Beautifully and profoundly put. Well I start to feel probably the same. It's all about virtue to be courageous in being yourself, loving yourself and accepting yourself as who you are.
Culture, and our personal damage, have made it impossible to know what men and women would be be like at our best. I don't believe testosterone is the main cause for men seeing women as sex objects or developing sex addiction. So much of our culture has conditioned men to think that way and to shun true emotional intimacy with a woman, which they try to compensate for with sex. Men use sex to compensate for all sorts of unmet emotional needs. Sex obsession, like anger, was always acceptable for men when many other outlets weren't.
I would love to hear an essay or thoughts on “The Little Prince”, Daniel! I’ve been listening to your videos and you’re very sincere and honest person: “To be a man is, precisely, to be responsible. It is to feel shame at the sight of what seems to be unmerited misery. It is to take pride in a victory won by one's comrades. It is to feel, when setting one's stone, that one is contributing to the building of the world.” Antoine de Saint Exupéry
Thank you for your authenticity, honesty and wisdom as always. You are reminding me whats important. Its not complicated, but far from easy to be that way in todays world, where being a man ofted means drinking and hooking up - for the simple.
I think the question should be what does it mean to be a human? And the answer would be to be your True Self. At our core we are no different. Thank you for being a model for both men and women, Daniel.
hi daniel, i have a quick question. i was wondering why the idea of "hooking up with girls", or "scoring" (11:00) is viewed by you as something that is immature. i feel as if sexual desire as long as it is done both responsibly and respectfully, such as joining a dating app and hooking up with other people can be a positive thing (enjoyable, u get to meet a lot of new people and learn about new things, etc...). eager to hear your response, and thank you for all of your insight.
Congrats on this great journey of yours!.. with wonderful realizations.. beingness. I hope this rubs off on many and I bump into one such man/human being. 💛💫💥
Its about being human. No ties to one side or the other that we have, for centuries, arbitrarily ascribed. If you are not you, if you are not letting yourself be you or if you are suppressed by external influences, then you'll never grow to be whole. There will always be pieces of you that are missing, which ends up throwing your whole world into chaos whether you realize it at the time or not. Its something that took me too damn long to learn
I was very terribly confused too in my 20's. For me, becoming a "man" ultimately involved discovering boundaries all over again. That where you end and others begin needs to be taught in schools.
I really appreciate your willingness to question the way our society has assigned general human traits to gender. It is true the physiology causes different subjective experience. Becoming literate of these subjective experiences, including our sexuality, is paramount to understanding how we relate to our lives.
Daniel could you talk about incestuous families? I think a lot of people like me have been raised by this type of families and it's very hard to find any information at all. Thanks for your videos
Somewhat related: He does have two parts on sexual abuse of sons by mothers. Unfortunately it looks like he removed a great video on "Mild Sexual Abuse of Daughters by Fathers" from a couple years ago.
@@Earl_E_Burd oh no it seems you're right. i remember watching that video and even sending it to a friend that for her was very profound. i specifically remember the part about fathers practically (that is covertly) taking their daughters on a date. wonder why daniel removed it?
@@RKTGX95 Yep, that's the one. It had an impact on me because it described something I had observed but hadn't recognized in that way until he pointed it out. When I click on the link from my journal it says video made private.
@@RKTGX95 Based only on the videos I've seen, I think he's got a bias against women he doesn't feel with men. Most men forgive men for stuff they won't forgive women for.
You know how many dudes have told me to "be a man!"? Im thinking wtf i dont even believe they are real men in my perspective based off of their actions. Never understood that statement when i have yet to find a role model to live up too.
Grew up without a father therefore I relate to your sentiments. Let me tell you though. The pride you feel and the roaring self-applause you hear within yourself, when you become a man by yourself is a brief beautiful feeling and experience. Better to be alone and love thyself than become a follower of someone else’s ideas about what a man is supposed to be.
Thank you for continuing to upload daniel your videos make me feel like i am not alone in this crazy world you justify my erge to always do the right thing no matter what the mass says
Wonderful video as always Daniel! Recently I've thought about two questions for you. First I wanted to know what you're beliefs are regarding trans people and your takes on the general discourse going on today. Second, I was curious how you think you will react when you learn that one of your parents has died. How will it differ from most people who have not done the work to break from their family system of origin? Thank you for posting your honest thoughts on here.
Thank you so much for your valuable role you courageously stepped up for when it's so needed right now. Damaged Male Role Models have created an Epidemic of lost men trying their best to figure it all out in this mess, imo. I'm so grateful for you and your channel this Thanksgiving & all days. May you have a beautiful & love filled Holiday Season, Daniel!🙏🥰❤️🔥🤗
i am 26 and as i have approached this age i feel out of touch with myself, at least not totally secure about myself. i also don`t feel like a man in a particular sense. that you seem to have undergone real development, it is inspiring on the path of well living. peace!
What a coincidence, I was just reading the 2 chapters on men and love in bell hooks' Communion: the female search for love. I find that she treats a lot of the subjects about self, wholeness, gender identity, self-love, loving others and being in relationships that don't contain domination and violence. The conclusion I took is that we have to let feminist men define who they are sincerely within. To listen and welcome them as they are, to not push them back into an oldschool "tough guy" box. Thank you for sharing your perspective on masculinity! It found me at the perfect time, right after finishing these chapters.
Much appreciated video. I've been on the lookout for this from you. I have personally found that embracing femininity within myself, against the backdrop of hypermasculine socialisation, has allowed me to relate to women much better, in turn making me a better, safer and trustworthier man. Having said that, 'man' is almost a term I've stopped using with myself privately, as I feel that 'man' and 'woman' are such loaded terms with so many trivial attributions. I think at the end of the day the goal must be to find respect, humanity and compassion for ourselves and through this ability also find it for others. This is how you ultimately raise healthy kids, by having psychological attunement with your partner and for your children regardless of their sex. And how else could one call oneself a man or a father if one cannot accomplish this eternal and sacred undertaking of sound parentage? I think you get to call yourself a man, in the psychological sense, when you are capable of raising healthy children.
Can you make a video about your opinion on Eating Disorders? Have Eating Disorders any connection with childhood trauma? The need to control everything, etc.
Much love ❤️ 🙏 dan. Glad you are here. You spoke alot of truth that I have also found as a man in my life . It takes tremendous courage to break away from toxic situations and people. Im speaking from experience as well.
Going on that journey of self discovery has been so hard but worth it. I never in a million years guess what I would find. Within me a 5 year old boy who literally thought he had been killed by his own mother and I have now freed and been reunited with. To talk about this to people has just been a barrage of dismissal of im crazy or a liar. So i believe myself and love myself despite of others rejection and im proud of myself
Tatekai is Japanese to fight. Man is fight for your beliefs, fight for your friends, fight for yourself. I am also a very lost guy but I used philosophy to sort out my mind.
Thank you Daniel, there's far too much misinformation on the internet about masculinity and this video is a breath of fresh air for me as a young male as i become a man, much love from the UK.
If i have a son, im never telling that boy to man up. Never. When my son is a man, i hope to have raised him with a full and safe and nurturing childhood so he trusts himself and knows he has a safety net. So many boys were robbed of their childhoods because they had to be mommys little man.
Daniel, I continue to be painfully reminded that to be and remain a truth seeker, will not provide many, if any, benefits from "out there," however, the benefit to the soul is profound and eternal.
Why do we have to categorize certain strengths as either masculine or feminine traits? This is definitely one of the ways people become screwed up to begin with.
I probably could have made this video and made the same points without using the words "masculine" or "feminine." It might have been a stronger video if I'd done that.
@@dmackler58 It wasn’t intended as a criticism against you, just a thought about society in general (and a question we know the answer to unfortunately). Happy Thanksgiving and keep up the good work. Cheers!
Because some traits are more masculine and some are more feminine….that’s just the way it is. It doesn’t screw people up , they’re just definitions. The screw up is thinking the two don’t exist.
Hey Daniel, I've been having a certain peculiar perspective on the family system recently. I think children are essentially unwitting hostages of their parents. Being at their mercy, they have to act like the parents want to survive. And many if not most after that develop the Stockholm Syndrome. What do you think about that?
The way I think about it to be a man doesn't mean you act the opposite of a woman (as a man you give lots of space for a lot of feminine qualities ideally learned from your mother like compassion, resilience, and caring) . But you act the opposite of what a boy would do. Not to pathologize childlike qualities completely but to be a man aspires to be heroic, responsible, independant, non-reactive, and capable (all within reason)
one more video that is based as fuck. i love it! no bullshitting, just clearing up the truth. helps ke gain confidence in many ideas i had, straightens me up :)
Lolz, for a moment, I thought you kinda have a resemblance to Louis therox, and then you showed an earlier pic of yourself with glasses and a beard, and the resemblance was hilarious 😂
I used to be a kind, pathetic, self hating bastard. Now I am a kind, deceitful, misanthropic, and self loving and praising bastard. Am I good man? No. But at least now I will not be trampled over and should anybody need my help; I’ll be there for them because I know how it feels to be ignored, yet at the same time, I believe even when demonstrating compassion one should stay frosty so to speak and not seek validation from men or women (Particularly women).
This is a really great video. Im married to the most physically manly man i know, but i chose him because hes a full person. He does not look like a teddy bear but he is my teddy bear.
I resonated a lot with everything said in this video. 15 years ago I got into a fight and had my nose broken. While the doctor was realigning my nose, he said words I never forgot - "You will become a man when you stop pretending to be one." Took me many years to process that one, but better late than never
Instead of 'man' I would've said 'human being".
@@frankstared when you stop pretending to be a human being
Those words do sound interesting, could you elaborate on what you think he meant by it?
@@profundus8946 It's hard to do this topic justice in such a short format. For me it is about accepting one's eternal mediocrity and stopping trying to impress. I wanted to be a man because I wanted others to admire me, mostly ladies. And I wanted ladies to provide me a distraction from my shameful way of life. I was everything but a man, I was just projecting that image onto the world because I wanted something in return. I would only communicate with attractive women and wasn't interested in anyone else. I needed an attractive woman 5+ years older than me in order to feel like a man.
Authenticity is the key word if you are on your journey of finding your healthy masculinity. Learning to enjoy your surroundings and the company of people without wanting anything in return. Suddenly I found myself enjoying small talk. Being relatable with people instead of trying to impress liberated me.
Breaking away from parents is also important - but make sure you are ready for it and can deal with the consequences. It's about being accepted as an equal and my parents dropping the parental role and me not tolerating condescending behavior towards myself, my future wife and/or kids. Standing up for myself was key in order to be able to stand up for others. In my case this was essential. This also helped me get rid of my autodestructive tendencies, even a kink that I had. Needless to say, this requires building a solid financial situation beforehand.
Good trick to get my shit together was to imagine I have kids of my own. Just imagine your imaginary kids just walked into your room :) The way I lived was shameful and suddenly I realized I'm not as much of a man as I liked to think. This perspective gave me unbending motivation. Live like you have kids.
TLDR - It's about not expecting anything in return for being a man, else it's a self-defeating journey. Being a man is not a privilege, it's not something cool kids do, it's not a virtue, it's not grandiose or very admirable and it's not something you get to be proud of. It does not elevate you above "other boys". The harder you try being a man, the less of a man you are. It's about embracing it even when no one's watching
Your vulnerability is valuable. Thank you.
To me "be a man" is a spell people shout at you to get you to disregard or dissociate from your emotions.
It’s a shame that lots of people use that phrase to get guys to hold back their emotions, sure there are times where it’s better to put your emotions aside to focus on the mission like in a war for example, but that doesn’t mean men have to close themselves off emotionally 24/7
It’s not a sign of weakness to be honest and expressive about your feelings to other people, it takes strength to pull that off, and doing that helps others understand you better which allows them to help you get through it and be stronger as a result by the end of it
There's this one scene in Oppenheimer where his ex girlfriend dies and he's in shambles rolled up in a ball out in the woods and his wife comes up to him and tells him "you pull yourself together" and acts all tough. It's supposed to be touching but I could not help to think, people will relate to this scene and feel elevated, but I just perceive it as a final nail in the emotional coffin on Dr Oppenheimer. All those repressed feelings come bursting out when he realizes the effect of the bombs and he's secretly a trainwreck for the rest of his life, though the rest of society has just painted him as an inaccessible, self-important hero. Very tragic.
@@allthe1I saw that scene as a testament to the abusive nature of his wife/relationship. Never would have thought it would be seen as touching.
Men shouldn’t express emotions. Emotions lie.
how good to have a model of someone who has worked through issues of abandonment and confusion - I am so grateful for your wisdom and offerings Daniel.
It’s easier to not think of people as masculine or feminine and just think of them as people. Looking past the exterior qualities of individuals and looking into them for their personhood is less complicated than defining people by gender based societal roles and expectations.
👏💯
This perspective has been really helpful for me.
Nope. There are important, fundamental differences between men and women, which should be appreciated. We also need both to have society function successfully. :)
hard disagree
Removing gender doesn't help with understanding people, it's only going to assist in the delusion of those that have gender dysphoria.
I'm 40 and always felt like I was the only adult in the room with my parents. I still feel this way.
What makes a man? Confidence, realistic boundaries and fears. Patience and understanding. Most importantly love. Self and external.
Thank you for sharing dan. I always enjoy your videos and they have helped me. ❤
You're welcome.
And how is that different from being a woman?
@@Ozonkthedestroyer it's not lol. I was hinting more that it's adult to have these things, something most men are not.
Your videos are pure gold and your authenticity is amazing. I've suffered from dissociation (DP/DR) since 11 years old and your videos have made me realize, that I couldn't be myself as a kid and I wasn't allowed to feel and express what I felt. I've been a shell of myself since I dissociated completely. Now that I'm an adult I shall reclaim my emotions and become my happy, connected and authentic self again. Thank you and much love from Finland.
Fellow DPDR sufferer here, also since 11, most people would fold if they were in our shoes, the fact that we haven't gone insane is proof that we're soldiers.👊🏽
Wow! Thanks for sharing brother. Life was pure hell for many years, but the fog is slowly but surely fading. We are as strong as they come!
Hey Daniel, thanks for your video. Im a 23 year old troubled guy. Anyways i got into a relationship with also a very troubled women of 32 years in age. At the start of this relationship i thought to myself look what a man i am, i got a hot girlfriend which a lot of guys would like to engage with! I got a woman who cooks for me, pleases my sexual needs, gives me compliments etc. Well things turned sour very fast due to both of us dealing with unresolved childhood trauma. And in a blink of an eye about 6 months into it, i didnt feel like myself anymore, i felt tense and closed off all the time. As the relationship ended i started to feel like me again, without a girlfriend i started to actually feel like a man again and i started to realise i dont need a girlfriend to be a man or to feel loved. Its just the ego that kept me in that place, that wanted something to work out where no hope was left and old programming put into me.
Sounds like you had the wrong reasons for getting into a relationship in the first place. Your main focus on her cooking, boosting your ego and giving you sex.
You entered the relationship for shallow reasons and got shallow results. Why would you enter a relationship without knowing the woman you were getting together with? This might sound harsh, but at 23 years old you should know not to enter a relationship without knowing who the person is. Anyhow, I wish you the best.
I just got out of a 6 month relationship too she was my best friend and I knew hew well before we dated. Long distance wasn't looking. You should check out Ending your inner civil war by Carl Jung. He talks about and explains the phenomenon we are experiencing.
It’s good you realize that at 23 years. But although you’re aware to love yourself, it would also be healthy for you to be able to have healthy relationships, so healing is something to work on, which you probably already know
Hang in there❤
...by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and...once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't matter. Velveteen Rabbit.
Thanks Daniel. As a woman, I have also found myself wondering what it means to be a REAL woman. I'm in my early 30s and for the longest time my definition of womanhood has been centred around my sexual desirability but as I get older, I wonder what else I should hold onto and how to let go of this notion that my worth is tied to my physical appearance. I would also love to become more firm and non compromising with certain aspects. I guess one would say I need to nurture more masculine traits as you describe them. Thanks again for another thought provoking video.
Bro, i think im doing what u did man, im homeless, but i had an option to be with my parents but my mum kicked me during daytime hours so i left fully and shitty household with her effects on my psychology. Shes a baby but a mother too? It was fucked and so now im actually trying to become a man but i genuinly feel like a boy sometimes, like a kid, cause of all this emotional abuse ive gone through from other people ie family/ friends/ authoritive figures (twats). Im only 18 im getting my shit together moving into a van im living in a homeless shelter rn its not too bad but i need my own owned property, im becoming the main figure of my life now im proud of myself. I saw ur vid on grieving btw dude a few weeks ago whilst in a hotel and it was helpful its helped me a lot cheers so much brother.
Hello mate its imperresive your story and surprized by the braveness you have strong charechter keep it up. Your story make me courge too.
I wish you the best. Im sure at 18 you have a lot of energy and courage to create a beautiful life for you from now on.
I think a lot of men (and women and trans folks) need to hear this. It is so refreshing to have this perspective in the age of Jordan Peterson and Andrew Tate. Thank you, Daniel. I am confident that ideas like yours will save a lot of lives. Most people who commit suicide are men…
I just love how open and true you are, Daniel. Thank you again!
Thank you so much for this Daniel - I appreciated and soaked up every single word. As a woman, I'm striving to be a Man too, just as you described in this video. Nothing to do with externals. Powerful, truth. Bless you, so much for existing and for fighting this fight. You are a Warrior of Truth ❤
Hey Daniel first impressions I got from your videos with the camera and font and apartment background is as if it was shot in the 90s or decades ago, but I think the style and format has really grown on to me. conveys an honest therapeutic atmosphere
That is so interesting what you said about the voice inside, the core, that it is neither to do with masculine or feminine. I am a woman and I feel this too.
The masculine and feminine qualities which you described later, I have too (to varying degrees I imagine). And you are so right we all need both to be whole and be able to function and remain healthy in society.
I think it causes us such harm when society/other people try to deny us the “right” to act or feel in a certain way because it is deemed masculine or feminine. Women need to be able to stand up for themselves, be assertive and fight, and to take control at times. Men need to be able to be vulnerable or show “weakness”, be soft, playful and ask for help. (Sorry that I probably left out loads of other feminine/masculine qualities).
I think it is strange that we have even labelled these as masculine or feminine. I have never found anybody more or less of a man/woman because of any anything.
I appreciate your honest and vulnerable exploration, thank you Daniel.
You are an amazing man for showing up for us with your generosity of sharing your genuine experiences and insights. ❤️💔 I am a woman, but I appreciate this. Along with your other videos, never fails to be comforting and/or enlightening. Thank you Daniel!
Authenticity is rare and terrifying nowadays.
@@MrDontcareify I agree. Well in the US it's always been this way, and we're actually improving. The anonymity of the internet made people share things they never had before and made it ok to reveal certain truths offline.
Before I watch the video I want to give it a try. What does it mean to be a (psychologically healthy) man.
1. Strong boundaries.
2. Balanced regulated emotions.
3. Deep understanding of oneself.
4. Free self expression.
Of course none of this is really gendered so could add in traditional traits like compassion competitiveness protective etc
Grazie Signor Mackler per quello che fa. I suoi video sono stati i più utili a farmi tornare in pace con me stesso❤
The truth will and has set you free ❤. Thank you for sharing your truth w us !
Daniel I’m wondering if you’ve noticed the recent phenomenon in the west of people living with their parents well into their 30s? I’m 27 and moved out at 19, but virtually none of my friends have moved out of their parents homes (or even seem to want to). A lot of my friends are 28 and 29 too. I’d be very interested in hearing your thoughts on this. What I’ve observed is that it really stunts their growth and keeps them perpetual children, unable to deal with the adult world and it’s quite hard to have friendships with people like that.
I understand your sentiment, but the fact is, specifically in the US, everything is very expensive. I also think that the rapid proliferation of technology and social in the past two decades has stunted the growth of many young people, including myself.
True but I do wonder why people don’t just rent rooms or do house shares with their friends? That used to be very common, and I certainly would’ve done that if necessary. The people I know don’t even have a desire to ever leave
Aphrodite -- Interesting. I have noticed it. I always thought it was more of an economic thing, but maybe it is emotional -- something changing with the times. Perhaps parents wanting more dependent children.... Hmm. I also like what you said, John, about technology's proliferation. Maybe that plays a part too... Hmm.....
@@AphroditeAngel222 Why should they though? There's no inherent utility or good in moving out at all. I mean, I can understand doing it if your relationship with your family isn't good, but the idea that it makes you independent or that you're stunted otherwise is pure modern hyperindividualist nonsense.
Moving out of your family home is something that people have only started doing after WW2 and it's mostly an American thing that spilled over to other parts of the West. That is really the recent phenomenon and our generation is slowly realising that it was never sustainable.
Many cultures in the east, for example, even live with three generations in the household. There's many ways of looking at things..why live alone? It can be isolating if you don't have constant social options. What if something happens to you and there's no one there to help?
Thank you, Daniel, for sharing those valuable and authentic thoughts. They are pure gold.
Toxic relationships in childhood damage a young person's spirit. Growing up is difficult for these people who feel confused and probably deprived of their true self... how long will it take to recover? Sometimes most of their life... the pain and feeling of rejection are so strong, regardless of the fact whether they are males or females, IMHO their spirit is basically the same....
The scars of a broken spirit remain forever…
Spot On!, being a Man is a balance of both male/female qualities. Society & family trauma offset a lost boy into a 'false' sense of being a Man. We all need to learn how to really "Man Up" for life.
Profound thanks, brother, for speaking on behalf of us lost men. I used to get depressed thinking about this, but deep down, I had exactly the beliefs you just put into beautiful words. I hope you won't receive any hate from the idiots all around us, and I hope that your words will have a far-reaching impact on every man on the globe.
wow thank you so much for this video. Im struggling with this exact same topic right now at my 23 and i have been very confused the last few months, this video really made rethink a lot
It's great hearing from you specially taking into account the last time you uploaded a video was actually a while ago
in my current stage in life, I am realising being a man is having insecurities and fears, but to control them is what separates man from boy inside of me.
Thank you for sharing this Daniel! 🙏🏻 I totally agree with you on a healthy mix of masculine and feminine qualities in order to feel balanced and stable enough to withstand the pressure from the world. 🙌🏻
Also, as a woman, I struggle with the female hormones too! Nature pushes us to procreate (higher sex drive when ovulation happens) and then to be aggressive or overly emotional shortly after when the PMS hits. This is frustrating because it means that we feel unaffected by hormones only during 1 week in a month! I've gotten better at managing this but it's still a struggle sometimes.
Appreciate your videos, Daniel! Greetings from Nepal! 🇳🇵🇳🇵🇳🇵
please keep making these videos. manly or not, it takes true courage and purpose to stay real and speak the truth in the face of societal rejection.
I love love what you're saying here about the feminine compassion energy... that IS part of being a man
Thank you so much for all of your videos you’ve really helped me through some pretty rough times as of late :)
Wise words, Daniel. Thank you for communicating your deeply considered observations and spreading positivity in the same moment.
This is such a clean, clear and open answer and addresses all the confusing toxic info out there about how to define masculinity now. I will share this with students and others.
This video and message needs to be more shared in this world full of addictions and "adult boys". Thanks for sharing your experience, it helped me when I needed the most!
as a woman i relate to the lost boy situation additionally i need to put up a performance for society
Exactly. This is not just about "being a man", but the process of self discovery. As always men think woman are a separate species 🥴😂
Beautifully and profoundly put. Well I start to feel probably the same. It's all about virtue to be courageous in being yourself, loving yourself and accepting yourself as who you are.
Thank you and please keep making more videos. Great information
Daniel, thete should be more people out there like you.
Culture, and our personal damage, have made it impossible to know what men and women would be be like at our best. I don't believe testosterone is the main cause for men seeing women as sex objects or developing sex addiction. So much of our culture has conditioned men to think that way and to shun true emotional intimacy with a woman, which they try to compensate for with sex. Men use sex to compensate for all sorts of unmet emotional needs. Sex obsession, like anger, was always acceptable for men when many other outlets weren't.
Life is a struggle and without struggle life would be boring and meaningless.
I would love to hear an essay or thoughts on “The Little Prince”, Daniel! I’ve been listening to your videos and you’re very sincere and honest person:
“To be a man is, precisely, to be responsible. It is to feel shame at the sight of what seems to be unmerited misery. It is to take pride in a victory won by one's comrades. It is to feel, when setting one's stone, that one is contributing to the building of the world.”
Antoine de Saint Exupéry
Thank you for your authenticity, honesty and wisdom as always. You are reminding me whats important. Its not complicated, but far from easy to be that way in todays world, where being a man ofted means drinking and hooking up - for the simple.
I think the question should be what does it mean to be a human? And the answer would be to be your True Self. At our core we are no different. Thank you for being a model for both men and women, Daniel.
Love listening to you Dan, your experience in life and your wisdom are truly valuable to this world 🖤
hi daniel, i have a quick question. i was wondering why the idea of "hooking up with girls", or "scoring" (11:00) is viewed by you as something that is immature. i feel as if sexual desire as long as it is done both responsibly and respectfully, such as joining a dating app and hooking up with other people can be a positive thing (enjoyable, u get to meet a lot of new people and learn about new things, etc...). eager to hear your response, and thank you for all of your insight.
So wise! Thank you for sharing!
Congrats on this great journey of yours!.. with wonderful realizations.. beingness.
I hope this rubs off on many and I bump into one such man/human being. 💛💫💥
Its about being human. No ties to one side or the other that we have, for centuries, arbitrarily ascribed.
If you are not you, if you are not letting yourself be you or if you are suppressed by external influences, then you'll never grow to be whole. There will always be pieces of you that are missing, which ends up throwing your whole world into chaos whether you realize it at the time or not.
Its something that took me too damn long to learn
Men need to be productive and need to protect themselves and their family. They need to provide, be brave, and harness their will power.
Thanks for another great video Daniel!
Needed this today, than you man fr
I was very terribly confused too in my 20's. For me, becoming a "man" ultimately involved discovering boundaries all over again. That where you end and others begin needs to be taught in schools.
Thank you brother, shared publicly
I really appreciate your willingness to question the way our society has assigned general human traits to gender. It is true the physiology causes different subjective experience.
Becoming literate of these subjective experiences, including our sexuality, is paramount to understanding how we relate to our lives.
Happy Holidays Daniel, I always look forward to a new upload. Hope life is treating you well. 😊
Daniel could you talk about incestuous families? I think a lot of people like me have been raised by this type of families and it's very hard to find any information at all. Thanks for your videos
Hi, I think Daniel had a video called "most incest does not involve physical touch" or something like that.
Somewhat related: He does have two parts on sexual abuse of sons by mothers. Unfortunately it looks like he removed a great video on "Mild Sexual Abuse of Daughters by Fathers" from a couple years ago.
@@Earl_E_Burd oh no it seems you're right. i remember watching that video and even sending it to a friend that for her was very profound. i specifically remember the part about fathers practically (that is covertly) taking their daughters on a date. wonder why daniel removed it?
@@RKTGX95 Yep, that's the one. It had an impact on me because it described something I had observed but hadn't recognized in that way until he pointed it out. When I click on the link from my journal it says video made private.
@@RKTGX95 Based only on the videos I've seen, I think he's got a bias against women he doesn't feel with men. Most men forgive men for stuff they won't forgive women for.
This video's release was well timed. Thank you Daniel
You know how many dudes have told me to "be a man!"? Im thinking wtf i dont even believe they are real men in my perspective based off of their actions. Never understood that statement when i have yet to find a role model to live up too.
Grew up without a father therefore I relate to your sentiments. Let me tell you though. The pride you feel and the roaring self-applause you hear within yourself, when you become a man by yourself is a brief beautiful feeling and experience. Better to be alone and love thyself than become a follower of someone else’s ideas about what a man is supposed to be.
Thank you for continuing to upload daniel your videos make me feel like i am not alone in this crazy world you justify my erge to always do the right thing no matter what the mass says
Wonderful video as always Daniel! Recently I've thought about two questions for you. First I wanted to know what you're beliefs are regarding trans people and your takes on the general discourse going on today. Second, I was curious how you think you will react when you learn that one of your parents has died. How will it differ from most people who have not done the work to break from their family system of origin? Thank you for posting your honest thoughts on here.
Thank you Daniel!!
Thank you so much for your valuable role you courageously stepped up for when it's so needed right now. Damaged Male Role Models have created an Epidemic of lost men trying their best to figure it all out in this mess, imo. I'm so grateful for you and your channel this Thanksgiving & all days. May you have a beautiful & love filled Holiday Season, Daniel!🙏🥰❤️🔥🤗
i am 26 and as i have approached this age i feel out of touch with myself, at least not totally secure about myself. i also don`t feel like a man in a particular sense. that you seem to have undergone real development, it is inspiring on the path of well living. peace!
What a coincidence, I was just reading the 2 chapters on men and love in bell hooks' Communion: the female search for love. I find that she treats a lot of the subjects about self, wholeness, gender identity, self-love, loving others and being in relationships that don't contain domination and violence.
The conclusion I took is that we have to let feminist men define who they are sincerely within. To listen and welcome them as they are, to not push them back into an oldschool "tough guy" box.
Thank you for sharing your perspective on masculinity! It found me at the perfect time, right after finishing these chapters.
funny how speaking about masculinity you have to center women. Smh.
Such an authentic representation of the truth of wisdom. All the hard knocks eventually pay off in unimaginable ways.
Much appreciated video. I've been on the lookout for this from you.
I have personally found that embracing femininity within myself, against the backdrop of hypermasculine socialisation, has allowed me to relate to women much better, in turn making me a better, safer and trustworthier man. Having said that, 'man' is almost a term I've stopped using with myself privately, as I feel that 'man' and 'woman' are such loaded terms with so many trivial attributions. I think at the end of the day the goal must be to find respect, humanity and compassion for ourselves and through this ability also find it for others. This is how you ultimately raise healthy kids, by having psychological attunement with your partner and for your children regardless of their sex. And how else could one call oneself a man or a father if one cannot accomplish this eternal and sacred undertaking of sound parentage?
I think you get to call yourself a man, in the psychological sense, when you are capable of raising healthy children.
Can you make a video about your opinion on Eating Disorders? Have Eating Disorders any connection with childhood trauma? The need to control everything, etc.
I appreciate this.
Thank you for sharing 🙏🏻
Much love ❤️ 🙏 dan. Glad you are here. You spoke alot of truth that I have also found as a man in my life . It takes tremendous courage to break away from toxic situations and people. Im speaking from experience as well.
Going on that journey of self discovery has been so hard but worth it. I never in a million years guess what I would find. Within me a 5 year old boy who literally thought he had been killed by his own mother and I have now freed and been reunited with. To talk about this to people has just been a barrage of dismissal of im crazy or a liar. So i believe myself and love myself despite of others rejection and im proud of myself
What does it mean to be human is a better title. The secret is balance.
Tatekai is Japanese to fight. Man is fight for your beliefs, fight for your friends, fight for yourself. I am also a very lost guy but I used philosophy to sort out my mind.
I freaking love your videos. Thank u so much💛
Thank you Daniel! Inspirational and informative as always. You are a precious gift. Love your essence. ♥️🪷🥰
Thank you Daniel, there's far too much misinformation on the internet about masculinity and this video is a breath of fresh air for me as a young male as i become a man, much love from the UK.
Always great watching a video by you, Daniel! EVEN the times when I disagree with you😉 (on the topic of today I agree with you 100% though)🧐
Thanks!
You are such a help to society!
daniel you are a gift. this is a topic that needs to be spoken about. you are a hero😊❤
If i have a son, im never telling that boy to man up. Never. When my son is a man, i hope to have raised him with a full and safe and nurturing childhood so he trusts himself and knows he has a safety net. So many boys were robbed of their childhoods because they had to be mommys little man.
Daniel, I continue to be painfully reminded that to be and remain a truth seeker, will not provide many, if any, benefits from "out there," however, the benefit to the soul is profound and eternal.
is that dominic fike in the thumbnail lol ?
Just in the right moment that video helped a lot thank u ❤
What do you think about phil stutz from stutz Jonah hill film?
Why do we have to categorize certain strengths as either masculine or feminine traits? This is definitely one of the ways people become screwed up to begin with.
I probably could have made this video and made the same points without using the words "masculine" or "feminine." It might have been a stronger video if I'd done that.
@@dmackler58 It wasn’t intended as a criticism against you, just a thought about society in general (and a question we know the answer to unfortunately). Happy Thanksgiving and keep up the good work. Cheers!
@@russkiy6ot Thank you! And Happy Thanksgiving. And I still think you made a good point -- definitely worth considering. Daniel
Because some traits are more masculine and some are more feminine….that’s just the way it is. It doesn’t screw people up , they’re just definitions. The screw up is thinking the two don’t exist.
it is how it is
Absolutely incredible
❤❤❤ You're a wonderful man!
Love this video. Thank you. 😊💜
Hey Daniel, I've been having a certain peculiar perspective on the family system recently. I think children are essentially unwitting hostages of their parents. Being at their mercy, they have to act like the parents want to survive. And many if not most after that develop the Stockholm Syndrome. What do you think about that?
The way I think about it to be a man doesn't mean you act the opposite of a woman (as a man you give lots of space for a lot of feminine qualities ideally learned from your mother like compassion, resilience, and caring) . But you act the opposite of what a boy would do. Not to pathologize childlike qualities completely but to be a man aspires to be heroic, responsible, independant, non-reactive, and capable (all within reason)
good videos very sincere
Very well said as usual :)
Thank you sir!
Brilliant! Thank you so much.
Thank you
Also applies to any form?
one more video that is based as fuck. i love it! no bullshitting, just clearing up the truth. helps ke gain confidence in many ideas i had, straightens me up :)
Lolz, for a moment, I thought you kinda have a resemblance to Louis therox, and then you showed an earlier pic of yourself with glasses and a beard, and the resemblance was hilarious 😂
I've been told that before :)
@@dmackler58 I'm sorry.
@@pamelariddock8820That's okay -- I think it's kind of funny !
Robert Greene has a video on healthy masculinity I’d highly recommend
I used to be a kind, pathetic, self hating bastard. Now I am a kind, deceitful, misanthropic, and self loving and praising bastard. Am I good man? No. But at least now I will not be trampled over and should anybody need my help; I’ll be there for them because I know how it feels to be ignored, yet at the same time, I believe even when demonstrating compassion one should stay frosty so to speak and not seek validation from men or women (Particularly women).
This is a really great video. Im married to the most physically manly man i know, but i chose him because hes a full person. He does not look like a teddy bear but he is my teddy bear.