Lived this reality in my marriage... "I always feel attacked by you..."... "your tone of voice makes me see red..."...thank God it only lasted 3.5 years and I'm grateful every day I'm out.
Classic narcissist line: "Let's forget the past and move on." SMH. Just their way of avoiding responsibility for their actions. Don't fall for it. Hold them accountable. The best predictor of the future is the past.
Hahaha... Let's forget... It's never let's forget but you forget. You forget so they have permission to do it again while you forfeit saying "again". It's been in the video on forgiveness. Narcs don't view people as "people". We are props and pawns in their power plays or the villains in their stories (how they're a hero or victim). You don't exist for them enough to be considered as "living objects" or "not them". It's not let's, it's you forget what 💩they did. They won't forget anything remotely human that you did.
Omg. That is the exact line that was used on me. I thought for a short minute change did occur. It pulled me deeper in the web. The mask came off and I went into lala land mode instead of running as fast as I could. I wanted him to love me, why wouldn't he? He sought me out a second time. It's just so messy, so sad, so unbelievable. I continued to say- the audio and video need to match, I am not getting hooked back in and I chose to try a second time. Worse than any nightmare I can ever imagine for myself! Looking to get healed and make healthy choices for my life!!!
@@oishi5518 don't worry - in time he'll make up a reason and rebrand/twist/rewrite the story and it'll be the only thing you're allowed to talk and think about... Usually while he does some other 💩 He's trying to bury. Edit: it usually takes 2-3 months to rewrite and then even decades of forcing the narrative until they do another 💩 that they can't hide or dump on others
The last time he said he would change... he was begging me... but I stood tall and said it's not my responsibility anymore, walked out and never looked back. It was the most empowering moment of my life.
Married to one for 11 years, left back in 2003 and he is still the same person. I have never regretted leaving only staying to long. Lesson learned. When you stay its because your addicted to the high of getting the dream you wanted. Get a new dream and save yourself
Good point about the role of addiction in holding out for a dream. I’ve had a lot of revelations about how my own addictions have played into these relationship dynamics, making it even more apparent that they have to do their own healing and I have to do mine.
I only stayed because of the kids. Now they live with me, and she's furious that her 'rights' are being denied. Doesn't matter how many times it's pointed out that if you throw your daughter out of the house, you don't get to play victim, when that daughter doesn't want to know you.
My hope was after having reasonable discussions that we could function as a relatively happy family. My high was holding onto that hope. But that hope was based on falseness. False promises from them and signs that things could improve that turned out to be misleading and false. Having false hope is one of the most torturous things I’ve experienced in life. I had to go no contact with my narc family and only then did my recovery from depression get better.
I'm a narcissist and I'm coming to terms with it and the fact that I have let my trauma blindside me for many years to my sense of entitlement and needing to control situations to avoid experiencing more trauma and triggers. It's taken me a long time to realize it and while I initially began watching these videos to help me deal with other people, I've started to realize my own unresolved issues and why I feel something has been blocking me from my personal growth. I know in the past I've been the one to promise change just to buy myself time, but I know now that I have been continually experiencing the same life lessons and the only way to end the cycle is to face myself as the source of the problem. It's no one's fault that I had a difficult past. I commit to rejecting the narcissism of my pain and suffering, I will not let my past control my present any longer.
At least you’re truly aware of the behavior. A lot of people say narcs can’t change. I believe they can if they actually look really deep within themselves tbh
Wow. I cant tell you how great you are in saying this. If its any help. I have some shamanic leanings. On the esoterical side. You must work in bringing the masculine and feminine energies into balance as it is in the soul/psyche slippting in childhood due to trauma.In addition on the 3rd dimension you maybe a narcissist but on the fifth dimension ( and most will say of no use here ), on the fifth there are specific why you’ve had this life. When God created the world even in the darkness there was light. We are all traumatised , just on different levels. Keep trying to open your mind to different perceptions of situations if you can. i truly wish you healing
@Polyrhythmium explain to me one thing. You say about trauma. If you know how bad is others to cause trauma unto you, then why are you doing the same into others ? Is really that hard to make this logical deduction ? You are also intellectually challenged besides emotionally challenged ?
@Rich Martin explain to me one thing. You say about trauma. If you know how bad is others to cause trauma unto you, then why are you doing the same into others ? Is really that hard to make this logical deduction ? You are also intellectually challenged besides emotionally challenged ?
It’s just an act. It’s because they know you see through them and they’re no longer getting what they want. They just want things to go back to normal and as soon as they do, so will their behaviour.
@@lorettanericcio-bohlman567 feel free to make you own comment addressing the men here hon! Im not denying men have narc wives and find it hard to leave, but MY comment was addressing the wives who wrote lengthy comments on this video, of which i read about 10 or more, and i didn't see any long readlly sad ones from men. Again im not saying it doesnt happen, but if its ok with you and everyone, i wasnt adressing that right now. And Im sure there are probs a plenty of statistical data backing up that women have a very different time in the narc dynamics because they are child baring and therefore usually end up "losing" many more YEARS of thier lives. Loretta WHY are you trying to use my comment to make an "equality" agrument? Its compleatly ridiculous. IF YOU WANT EQUALITY MAKE A COMMENT THAT SAYS "My heart goes out to the husbands" or somthing. FFS
I asked my Ex if she might consider being nice...she said, "You want me to change who I am!" As if I was making an extreme ask. I never knew that there are people in this world who wake up in the morning committed to being cruel and callous to the needs and concerns of others. UN-BE-LIEVABLE!
Two things I can't handle anymore: stop hitting me and don't cheat on me. "You're so controlling! You made me change everything about myself already (the false image she tried to sell me during the lovebombing phase)! You are a narcissist!" So glad its all over.
@@healthyquadrant6587 Same! I asked my ex if he could stick to his promises or at least stop lying to me and be honest. He always said that I have to accept him the way he is and that he's not changing. At least I learned to date someones reality and not their potential.
After a two year “roller coaster ride”, we gave it one last trip! It was amazing for 3 months! I even stated how happy I was and accepted an engagement proposal....BAM!! My closest family and friends thought I was NUTS!! Well, they were right. The Gaslighting started and he said “I had CHANGED!” The Lies, Verbal/Emotional abuse escalated to Physical. It never gets better, only worse. Listen to “your little voice” and GET OUT!!! ❤️🙏❤️
Waw I’m so sorry you went through that. I am listening to my inner voice and all of you guys are inside my head. 2 years as well and promises to change after 4 months no contact. But after listening to all of this I know my inner voice is loader then ever ❤
Two year relationship too.....took him back second time....and nope no change after he said he had changed. Lasted three weeks as he hated me having boundaries for myself
In my experience they promise to change and will be on their best behavior for a while, when they can tell your guard is still up. As soon as you start to let your guard down a little after a while, BOOM! Not only are they back on it, they are making up for lost time with a heaping helping of extra vindictiveness thrown in. It's as though they are punishing you for putting them in a position where they had to promise to change to get what they wanted.
I was once in a relationship where what you said happened, except I was mocked for having my guard up and accused of making a big deal out of nothing. I was too young to understand any of what was going on (1990s early adulthood). But all the shaming did was make me more determined, yet still even this was used against me as if I were making resolutions and change impossible so the narcissist now had an excuse to give up any attempt at changing. I think this is why Dr. Ramani mentioned that the narcissist must change on their own time, not on the time of the other person.
YES! He begged not for a second chance but for a hundreth chance cause I gave him plenty. But after being let down by him so many times I KNEW his "change" would last 2 weeks and after that he would make me pay for giving him the consequences of his own actions smh.
The promises were never ending. 10 years of this false hope. I began dating this person when I was 19, married him 7 years later...with plenty of red flags in between. Anyhow, the abuse got worse and it did get physical. We did divorce and even after the divorce, he sought me out with promises of change. He always said he needed time and he was praying for us. I did give him another wasted chance, and he ran off with someone else, tattooed her name on his shoulder and blames me for it...so unfortunately, after a million chances the reality is that these people don't change. Ever.
Gets other woman's name tattooed on his own body and it's YOUR fault?!? Geez! So sorry you had that happen to you That kind of BS sounds so familiar. Everything was (and I'm sure still is) all my fault. All of his decisions gone wrong are someone else's fault, never his.
@@Hundredacredaycare how are you doing? I stayed and kept going back trying to figure it out. Understanding what I was dealing with has helped me so much in my recovery.
40 years of marriage. 7 marriage counselors. Every session he would just glare at me with hate in his eyes. I was the screwed up person. I needed to be institutionalized. I left, shattered his world. Everything that you said Dr. Ramini happened!! I continued to go to counseling. I worked on ME not us. Been divorced for a couple of months. Healing my brain, heart and health. Thank you for your support!
Oh, yes. They're ALWAYS right! When I see someone like this I always remember the phrase: "The more ignorant, the more convinced to be God-like". And, honestly, sometimes it feels like they think to be even better than God. That they know it better. So I can't take them seriously anymore. And this pisses them off. Because they're always trying to put on a mask of "the more important guy in the room" and then behave like impotent children that can't handle the adult life. It's such a pity. For THEM. Being so old and grown-up and still needing to find a mommy that will solve their problems for them all by herself. Because that's what they call "unconditional/true love". They are just not worth the imput. I hope that you do well and Good Luck!
Dalia J just be careful....we naturally attract aholes....I find myself meeting dating people like my ex...I’m an empath...I’m still learning to speak up and not be afraid...
As Scotty from Star Trek said: “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.” I’ve never known a narcissist who really intended to change. Never.
I just broke down in tears watching this. Every time I watch something in regards to a narcissist it’s like they are describing my husband perfectly! It’s like how sick is this?! It’s crazy......
They never change. My story is with someone I had as a best friend for 5 years. During the time I saw how he treated the girls he dated while he treated me so nicely. When we started dating he started shifting to how he treated all his exes. Long story short after many painful years, a thousand failed promises to stop cheating/change and killing me and my self-esteem in the process, I decided to move on. The best decision I have ever taken and it took me years to rebuild myself but now I am married to an amazing man that cares about me and what I want. You might think that leaving them would kill you, but the truth is that you only start living after leaving them behind.
@@aminakhan1372 ♥️we all deserve better my dear. You are very welcome. I hope my story shows that there is always a way out. Sending you many hugs♥️♥️♥️
Thank you for sharing this. I was his friend and saw how he treated the girl he was with, so I feel so guilty for then getting involved and letting him treat me terribly as well. Why was I friends with someone who was so cruel to others to begin with? But they are the biggest con artists! They’ll make you believe they’re the victim in everything!
A Narcissist Will Never Change Because They Don’t Have The Ability And They Aren’t Willing To Take TheTimeTo Recognize The. Impact Of Their Destruction And Toxicity Of Their Actions.
You're right. They refuse to change because the things they do, serve their purpose. It's beneficial to them. Being empathetic, causes them "harm" & isn't in their best self interest. Easier to be selfish.
Angelia Hines They want YOU to change to accommodate their juvenile manipulative behavior they never grew out of for whatever reason. They spend years getting better at manipulating people while others practice decency. ✌🏼
Transmutation and Transfiguration Words have meaning….., and Feelings` not Logic’ dictates the interpretation and definition of the words we use and speak…..., and the less words you know…., the less you shall be able too access Magix + Alchemy = Sorcery… You would do well to fill your mind with as many words as your Processor will allow you to hold……., and then keep writing down New Words…, and Big Words till you can install them into your mainframe…….., and you must seek out the ramification markers in your dreams whilst you sleep’ for this place of PURGATORY is A Machine called the Great Work.., and we are all born into it……..., and we can all achieve Enlightenment., and Illumination to the Point that we become [Jedi Knights] #QANON /_\ doing Enchantments and even using the Force known as Telekinesis!!! Since we live in A Construct known as these {Virtual Reality} [{**}] Holographic Lives we all do so live, what would you learn too STOP the Racka from feeding off our Human Energy known as Pak-Toe??? In this POST MUD FLOOD, and latest RESET of the world, we have watched the TV Shows dictate our [ideologies] / * \ of the many, but “WE ARE” have maintained exclusion from the Mind Control of PROJECT BLUE BEAM……., and we Humans are more “aware” [{*}] of these nonhuman whom run every FREE MASON Lodge in every Country as an (Invasion Force) where the FLAG is their primary IN YOUR FACE we took your rights away, and made all nonmason Populations - People - Persons SLAVES to Idolatry be that American Idol to Russian Idol too Made In China Worship, and when you have Heroes, you are to Worship them that do WAR IS MURDER when “murder” is something only Humans can do to Humans, and knowing this, we might be able to “redirect” these next 10,000 years if we become proficient in PRE MUD FLOOD Technology, and we will… After The Pre World War of 1853 to 1854 the U.S. Flag changed….., and anyplace you see that U.S. FLAG of the U.N. Troops shows whom has these “Mercenaries” in our Countries be it Asia, The Middle EAST, Africa, Europe, The Baltic, India, and these 50 STATES FOR AMERICA where we do not see our “State Flags” on our Military aka The Coast Guards and The National Guards, nor do we see OUR STATES FLAGS on our Capitals where them [Statues Stand] even in the USofA where Statues adorn a majority of CAPITAL Buildings in a Capitalistic Federalist COMMUNIST “Socialist System” of Socialites telling WE THE PEOPLE what to do when All Politics and All Governments are A Religion Unto themselves…..., as they use our Employment Money to do WAR IS MURDER with OUR paid employees: The Military of our CORPORATION “Conspirator” FLAGS of the U.N. international mafia of FREE MASON Lodge Members!!! That spoken, you do need to look in your Cities aka The CAPITAL CITIES of each State - Nation - Country FLAG and seek out Small Old World Buildings “like this one” in ATLANTA GEORGIA exclusion of the USA or U.S. FLAG Predominance in our Southern Republic… Each State Flag is the CAPITAL FLAG of your Home Land, and the U.S. FLAG is not your homeland, it is an OCCUPATION FORCE of the U.N. “World Police” known as Peacekeepers, and they put that god dammed U.S. FLAG everywhere and anyplace they can, but you must know your STATE FLAG “supersedes” the U.S. FLAG that was only made for a CONFEDERATION known as Republican/Democratic [Control] of your 50 States Navies - Marines - Army, and Air Force, but do you see YOUR National “Identity” STATE FLAG on any Military - Militia - Guards., or even Local Police?.?.? Johnny Exodice The Reason you have no State Flags on your Police Cars, Police Helicopters, National and Coast Guard is because YOU The People of each State Flag have allowed the “U.N. Troops” and their U.S. FLAG of the United Nations INTERNATIONALIST of FREE MASON Lodges to put that “U.S. FLAG” on Your Police, Youse States Militaries, and even above Your STATES FLAGS cause the U.S. FLAG is High Treason - Sedition - Treachery known as a WAR TIME FLAG…..., and this “U.S. FLAG” wants WAR IS MURDER, and that is why “These People” our Doppelganger Populations from the Other Side of FLAT EARTH own all the “TV Shows” called The {NEWS} World Order… The Sentinel… ua-cam.com/video/cOexMNZzTqs/v-deo.html In my Dream I was with Pickard of Star Treachery, and I was using the FORCE of Star Wars to show him “We The People” do have Powers of Observation, and we know we live inside a Celestial Sphere as Celestial Beings……., and the Reason they Dug into the Grounds after the LAST MUD FLOOD Breakdown of the A.I. was too Retrieve the A.I. and have it {teach us} how to Rebuild Rockets aka ICBM Nuclear Hydrogen Weapons, and how to Rebuild all “The Tech” of NOTHING NEW UNDER THE SUN in our SIMULATION Encampment… That said, in ATL there is a Small hidden in plain Sight “Portal” that allows you to Traverse the {TIME LINES} in this Never Ending Oraborus De-Ja-Vu Curse… ua-cam.com/video/kKRGcFjs4B8/v-deo.html The Society of nonmason~ [///|||\\\] +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Absolutely! They will act like they have "changed" for the better but they know how to play you. They will "change" and do so well and you're so happy that they listened to what you said but then when you feel you can trust him/her they "hurt" you again.
Spot on! I was told “I don’t wanna lose you over this nonsense” I guess nonsense is considered putting someone down and emotionally manipulating them to the point of them walking on eggshells 24/7
Yep. After I stopped talking to my narc he accused me of letting small petty things ruin the friendship. So he is allowed to hate on everything and disagree with everything I say for years I guess. That's small. But if I slightly disagree one time I get a lecture about him wanting to share his ideas without being mocked. Ok.
I had a friend in my life whose narcissist promised he had changed and she fully fell for it despite being a psychologist herself and knowing for sure he was a narcissist! No one is immune to manipulation!
Bronwyn Tanner My ex always loved the game, (Said in a sing song voice) "I know something you don't know~" It's their favorite game to have information and confuse, to not tell the truth, or twist it. Manipulation isn't all that magical I think, it's just like blaming your sibling when your mom catches you both in the cookie jar. "He made me do it." "It's his fault." "He told me to." It's just spreading false information. It's also calling your brother stupid afterwards "You are an idiot" "Why are you crying? Geez You're so sensitive." "I need a break from your drama, I have a headache."
Dr Ramani this CHANNEL has saved my sanity. I am slowly coming out of the fog and getting my power and a happy life back after 46 yrs. I will never believe him again and I also now know he will NEVER change. Thank you.
Hello I read you're comment, I been 36 years I lift him going almost 2 years, but I still love him and miss him iam even praying to God that he will change and come back and take me home, he told me before i lift that he didn't love me then the next day he treated me like nothing happen I still lift I ask him 2 weeks ago can i please come back home and he said no and that anyway he going to divorce me he been telling me this since I lift him. Now this men had cheated, lie, abusive to me and blame me for everything he make me feel guilty I wish I can forget about him, there so much more to said but it will tore out to be a book. I want to know how are you are doing after so many years. Thank you. Blessing.
It's hard work lots of therapy and belief that you are stronger then you ever believed possible. I have now been on my own for 11 months. This passed Tues my divorce came through. I felt such an enormous relief I am no longer legally bound to him. I divorced him and with a very understanding attorney was able to pay the fees out of the small maintaince he was giving me. He told me there would be no divorce when he started his affair and he would just look after me. I proved him WRONG. It's been hard therefore making the achievement all the more great in my eyes. Do I still care love him a little of cause I have made excuses for his behaviour all these years. But I now know without a doubt I am a happier kinder person. I have left the toxicity behind. You too will find the strength to walk away through prayer Good luck.
charmaine Macgregor What if they are narcissists too? considering it's inherited. So if we got narcissistic parent, what are the odds we're narcissistic as well?
You may turn out to be a narcissist as well, or you may take on some of the traits of your narc parent. Are you capable of insight? That will make a difference as to what kind of person you become.
Denise Buese I definitely acquired some of their traits. My fathers was malignant as heck, my mother may be on a smaller scale... I always thought perhaps she took up traits of my father due to her also being abused by him. Good chance their parents were pretty messed up to them as well. It's like a cycle, huh? A generation has to break out of it, which I do believe to be my generation. We need to do something about this. Let them all know of their narcissism. Perhaps a therapist or psychiatrists can be their medium so they can have insight. They may just get mad and spit their venom at us if we just call them out on their narcissism? How is is possible for me being the only one that is damaged and needs help? My parents need help too!! I guess I'm an equality type of person. I don't find it fair that the people who damaged us pretend to be fine, even go as to say we need help when in reality it's their fault we're in this position. I may have too much insight considering I recall being a teenager and going months without speaking to them. The whole time I was trying to figure out what was wrong with them... what was wrong with me?... all of this is making so much sense, but it feels like we're stuck. They need to want to be a part of the change, but the whole point of being narcissistic is believing nothing is wrong with you, correct?
Promise of change is NOT the same thing as delivery of change. It's important and critical to your physical, mental and emotional health and even your life to understand the difference.
Yes I began the break up conversation. She kept swearing she would change, she even purchased a book on narcissim and read the first few chapters while on FaceTime, but once I got my mind off the idea of breaking up, I didn't see her reading anymore. My breaking point was when she (to this day, this is what I believe happened) she got herself pregnant with my seed without my consent. The pregnancy ended in a miscarriage. I stuck around for 2-3months while using condoms to be emotionally supportive, and proceeded to end the relationship. 4yrs in that relationship and although I got her to stop the non sense in many areas, other areas would eventually arise with new problems. Narcissist don't want solutions, they prefer a new angle to create the same problem or a new problem to keep the chaos wheel turning. She never changed and she ended up moving away to a far away state. I went no contact asap. This was 1yr and a few months ago and I am still no contact and have no interest of having contact.
He promised everything I wanted and then slowly pulled back. When I called him out on it, he turned it around on me and said that it was making our relationship unhealthy and he shouldn't have promised to begin with because I manipulated the situation. And because he changed so much now it's my turn to make some changes because he feels that he's the only one who is making any changes in our relationship. It's crazy making logic.
Yeah and the frustrating part is to explain it to other people because the logic makes no sense. The worst is to explain one narcissists toxic behavior to another narcissist because you can see how they actually switch in between two positions 1) defend the narcissists abuse as a normal reaction to being slighted 2) they focus on how you are deficient and that you need to try harder for the other person. No contact sadly is the only thing that works for your health :/
That where mine goes every time too till you've questioned yourself and changed and now you're so insecure you cant decide if you're even breathing or not
@@tturing5698 exactly 45 yr of it for me and I've become this bitch or ??? I've gotten to afraid to talk to anyone or go anywhere hed so good at the victim roll .
I hit rock bottom, to the point my ex found himself a therapist to prove he was not the problem. After a couple of sessions the therapist prescribed him to take some acting classes to fix “the problem areas”. I was appalled at that therapist and the “is all good” diagnosis. When I went to see the therapist to complain, he said: “if you know he is a narc, then you know he is not going to change. He can learn how to act to make things manageable for you but he is not going to change.” After the shocking realization, that same therapist helped me get out of the toxic relationship. I’ve been no contact since then. I got to give props to my ex, at least he found an excellent therapist for me 😅.
This is what I really have come to as a conclusion. A narc wants you to change from who you are (very often, we may not be in the best places, but we are in a better place than the narc in some way) into a person who accepts the abuse they give you and not complain. You become a perfect source of supply.
Word of advice: Listen carefully to their "promise" because it's usually full of qualifiers to give them a reason to slip out of it later on. If they "keep their promise", it'll be on their terms and their definition of what that promise is and what your needs are. If you call them out on it, you'll meet the real monster that they are.
He wouldn’t promise to change but he’d apologize and tell me I was the love of his life. A few hours later he’d flip and tell me he hadn’t loved me for years and no one liked me and I was lazy and abusive. Then a few hours later he’d apologize. And it would continue. Multiple times a day for about a month. And he had his best friend running damage control for him. I thought I was losing my mind.
When they change their behaviour too much you have to take for good the worst one. And see the best one as an act. ("What does he want to obtain from me putting on this super-good mask?") And then ask yourself if you can really need someone like that. It's the only way to keep yourself grounded enough to stay sane. Peace ✌️
a. m. Exactly. Leaving saved my sanity. (Though I wasn’t the one who ended it, he did.) I left to give him the space he wanted to find himself. And it was the best decision I think I’ve made.
My narc ex told me I was the abusive one and the toxic one in the relationship and even convinced me to the point where I thought I was a narcissist and was looking for professional help. Has this happened to anyone else? Luckily, I listened to everyone around me who told me to get out of the relationship as soon as I was brave enough to start speaking of the abuse I endured for over 5 years... Some of these people I found in the comment section of these videos. So thank you all ❤️ now I am happier than I’ve been since I remember
Exactly! When I called my nex out on his abusive behaviors he said that I was the abusive one! He claimed the reasons we weren’t working is because I don’t know how to communicate. He’s the only person in my professional and personal life who’s ever claimed that. When I reality, whenever I mentioned anything that bothered me it was turned around on me in fits of rage. I’m glad you got out! ❤️
Yup! My husband is convinced that I have borderline personality disorder. My counselor of 4 years says no, and outlr last marriage counselor sort of chuckled (during a solo sessions due to my husband's tantrums) and immediately said no, I do not have BPD.
I guess they're all the same; notice how they've got the same language and way of trying to put you down when they themselves are self-loathing, lonely and insecure beings. I'm so proud of you for coming out of that one. I hope you're stronger than ever now and doing way better. Cheers! ♥️
5:11. They have a new phone: When they start leaving their regular phone lying around BEWARE, they want to appear to be transparent when they're in fact upping their game.
@@healthyquadrant6587 My STBX never went anywhere without his phone until one day he started leaving it on the kitchen table which was unusual. I believe he purchased a new phone which he could have contact with his new supply(s) and his game was to seem transparent by leaving his regular phone out as if to say go ahead and have a look, no proof there. They are very conniving and know how to hide their indiscretions.
My narc father “changed” after my mother and sister were completely done with him. He went to rehab and got sober. He stopped running around town and was home with my mother. But he didn’t really change. He just found a new audience in AA. That got him through until his death.
🙋🏻 yes - raising my hand- the ultimate future fake, but time and again, we end up in the same place. They do not want to lose - “promising to change is their final attempt at winning.” No truer words have been spoken. “Support their goals but step away....please don’t succumb to a false promise” Thank you Dr Ramani
Counseling’s not a good option because they try to impress the therapists and act like you have problems and are “too sensitive.” When we left the office he would scream at me for bringing up what he didn’t want known.
Not with a good therapist! My ex spouse was nailed within 5 minutes of being there. I was in shock and the therapist probably saw that and took control. FOREVER in her debt.
My ex husband studied psyche over the years. We went to a therapist for months. Things only got worse over time. He started getting physical. The last session I had with the therapist she seemed shocked 1 that he didnt show up and 2 at the things I told her were going on. She appeared dumbfounded and said "but he presents so well." Every time he pulled another stunt my dad would raise his eyebrow and say 'but he presents well'
Yeh. I went to one with one of my ex narcs, and she completely flipped everything around on me. Im Hebrew, and she even got the theropist saying my religion is wrong. It was the worst experience ever
By the time my ex narc husband promised to change I had already met your videos. I asked, "did you not try to change all these years, what are you willing to do differently this time?" that question was always met with his usual rage followed by countless sorry but you were provoking me. I am grateful for these videos because I would have fallen for his lies again and again to my detrimental
When they promise to change,remember, its just a trick to suck you into their claws, to make you regret for your reactions,to make you feel guilty,to make you surrender,to create false hopes about them in you so that you start chasing those hopes.....I am right I think,what do you say?
Also what I hate is when I try to point out what he is doing and he says I do the same thing"we are so much alike. " so we talk in circles and nothing gets accomplished. So frustrating.
Talking in circles is a definite, feels like we never get anywhere.... Tries to convince me I'm wrong and I'm the one invalidating him when all I'm trying to do is help him 'see'. Soul draining......
Same shit here... I showed him this channel of dr Ramani, I thought it will help him open his mind and change , but he just got educated and now he is projecting me that I am the Narcissist 🤣 lol
Dr. Ramani, you have changed my life. And your empathic nature has reached many, many others, I'm sure. Best change with a narcissist: change yourself. See them for the pieces of garbage (utterly useless to the world) that they are, and then get the precious self-confidence you need to navigate their insane world in order to avoid future attacks from other vile creatures of the same cloth. I believe that self-confidence remains the main ingredient to resisting future attacks. There are many empaths, out there: these are the people I aim to meet and enjoy life with. From the viewpoint of a narcissist, I believe the "promise of change" is indeed a desperate attempt to keep the mask on. At this point, they know (and feel) that the mask is slipping away. This is the point where you actually know, with absolute certainty, that they are narcissists. If you needed total proof, this is *the* one. They're not stupid. They're just completely buying their own story.
@@lanatodorova6295 : You probably meant to be facetious, but in the event you are actually serious.... No! At the final therapy group, he told me he understood he had a sexual addiction, and it was my job to stand by him and help him through. But by then Dr Ramani and Dr. Carter had repeated enough times, “ they don’t change, and you cannot fix someone else” and I recognized his words for the control tactic they had always been. He’s gone now. Let him destroy someone else.
@@malibudolphin3109 : true, but you took it out of context. The point was, the ex used Bible Study as a gaslighting event. Just more abuse. Satan can use anything as a weapon.
Yesterday he started a conversation with me after I asked him to leave where it sounded like he wanted to change and recognized his mistakes but by the end of the conversation he enumerated all the things I do wrong. So much so that he said he wanted to cancel our plans for our anniversary because "we have nothing to celebrate." Charming!!
It’s all traps to purposely let you down. Narc is a “friend” and he just took the damn mask off and laid it on my kitchen counter. He mentions that he will call up his old girlfriends to reconcile( cuz the unaware women still hold on to hope of saving him) to invite them out to dinner ONLY TO CANCEL ON THEM LATER. It’s a shit show. Run.
I was married to a narcissist for almost 10 years and it was the same cycle over and over and over again. I know he will bring the same insane rollercoaster to the next person he meets and I feel sorry for that person!
I love how DrRamani brings some irony while speaking about the lies of the narcissist. It makes me laugh even though the topic of narcissm is such a hard topic. Thanks DrRamani for all you do, because of you I left my narcistic husband this year. ❤️
It happened to me as well. Just as I gave up he said he would change, said everything I ever wanted to hear. Little did he know I was onto his tactics (I had been studying narcissistic behavior for a few months and I knew about hoovering). So even though that broke my heart all over again, I still didn’t go back. Which then made him very angry and he told me details of his infidelity to hurt me (which did hurt a lot). Finally I implemented the “no contact” to protect myself from further harm. I’m in therapy and I have been successful ignoring his contact attempts since June.
Thank you! Thank you! This was exactly what I needed to hear. I left my husband in secret and blocked him and I am hearing from other people how he acknowledges everything and promises to change and even is giving me flowers on my car and a card at my workplace. Thank God he doesn't know where I live.
When I finally moved away from my narc mom, as soon as I got to my dad’s house, she said, “looking back, I know I should have done things differently” or something to that effect, and I actually let myself believe it. Lol! She told me she wanted to get therapy (we went to a therapist before I left), and then when I got to his house I asked her if she was going to continue going, and she said, “no, I’m fine.” And she hasn’t changed since. It’s the saddest thing I’ve ever seen. My mom never let herself have a life. I guess she convinced herself along the way that she could only be “king of the castle” in her town, and that’s it.
Yeah I can relate to this. In my opinion I think narcissists really hurt themselves a lot including making their world sooo incredibly small and never reach any meaningful goals for them to be proud of and part of it is to always need to be king of their castle. They are also continuously left and feel as an outsider because over time the people they admire and like get wise to their injurious patterns and distance themselves. They never have the courage to venture out. In my opinion I actually feel sorry for them, while also seeing that you cannot hug a snake. It will act like a snake. So you need to be at a safe distance.
"King of the castle" that was the most accurate thing about them I've ever read/heard. They're so obsessed with that tiny world they live in. It's depressing to watch.
New Start Lol!! I truly believe my mom didn’t want kids, even though she tells me it was “her passion.” I think she only had kids so she could eventually blame them for her own unhappiness.
After 30 years of repeating the cycle of emotional abuse when i finally divorced my narcissist husband, I was “the most unforgiving person he had ever met”. So be it! I no longer care what he thinks.
They never wanted to be better for themselves, why would we be any more special to deserve it? If they want to play, they will. If not, back to the shelf.
@@CS-iv8tk exactly these ppl dont love their self but feel they deserve honor n love from others n feel im better than you if i dont love me who are you for me to love i need love you not popular or rich or beautiful
Yup. My ex-husband promised to change two weeks after I announced my plans to divorce him. After almost 25 years of his crap, I was so sick of the sight of him, I was finally done. FINALLY!
It happened to me. My mother promised to change and I was smart enough to take her words with a grain of salt, and low and behold she didn’t change. So it’s just a bunch of BS.
Whenever I was abused as a child, my mother immediately called the people she knew to make sure they had "her" version of what "really" happened (all lies) as an ongoing drama of how I was misbehaving, how I needed "guidance", how I was given a lecture I gladly agreed to (when I was screamed at for 5 hours) -- all in case I went to any of them and told them what actually happened, they would think I was a child who was overreacting or trying to get out of learning an important lesson or denying my fault. All to cover up her abuse.
T Turing, I agree except my mother used all of her kids as a safety net for finances if ever the father wanted a divorce. My dad is not my siblings' dad, and I was the last born. He told me if it weren't for me, he would have ditched my mother in a heartbeat. Her previous husband divorced her but had to pay alimony and child support. He did not live long after that, and he passed on just after my mother married my dad, so I never met him.
He not only promises to change but he did everything I wish from him in 30 days...I was done with him so it didn't changed my mind and left him. Thanks Dr. Ramani😊
Childlike behaviour. "I can't let you leave me!!! I am the super-human!!! You can't choose to leave me! It has be me to choose to leave you!!!" Their fragile ego can't stand the idea of not being enough for someone. I look at the hoovering and the discard being just a phase they have to go through to be able to stand the fact that they are not liked anymore. You can see the fact that you've come back to him as a mercy to a pitiful someone that otherwise could not stand living with himself. Like you gave him a pitiful pat on a shoulder "Yes, yes. It's true. It's not me, it's you leaving me". But don't let him know that you're happy you're done, or he will come back. (Known from experience). Wish you all the best! Peace and love!
Thank you@@a.m.1675 I forgave him twice and each time he treated me worse than the last time. Now I'm done I will never ever let him to come back into my life.
Somayeh Sheikhi It always gets worse. I’ve been married for 19 years and left 3 times. The first two times I went back, and the behavior became more contemptuous and extreme each time. Anyone who’s thinking that they can handle going back to the situation they left because they have kids or economic problems or they’re lonely or whatever reason makes a return look appealing, just know that you won’t have the same situation you left. They always find ways to ratchet up the misery.
The letters are so gut wrenching. You get this feeling of hope and giddiness over the romance of a love letter. When you read closely, it’s often worded “we can do better” or “we’ve both made mistakes”. Emphasis on the “we” and complete lack of accountability on their end. I got two letters after it ended, and the more I was able to see the bigger picture, it was very manipulative. Love bombing at its finest especially when they never once used the same compliments or affirmations. Be grateful he tore it up himself.. it’s not even worthy of the five seconds of energy it would take to destroy! :)
Dr. Ramani would have changed my life 30 years ago. All I have to offer anyone now is commenting on her videos and teachings. No, they won't change. They will fool you, fool your children, fool the world . Even though I grew up with a narcissistic mother, I didn't catch on to what my narc husband was doing to myself and my children over the years. Two marriage counselors looked at me in horror when I didn't react to my husband's tears during the sessions. One actually humiliated me so badly I couldn't go back. The second couldn't see that he was saying exactly what she wanted to hear, nothing more. He would smirk all the way home. Over time she did see his true colors and dropped us both. I ran three hours away to my sister's home in utter frustration so many times over the years, falling for the tears for a while upon returning after promises were made. The love bombing Dr. Ramani talks about was so wonderful. Over 30 years I have run away 62 times, and yet here I am. Despair takes over. Anguish takes over. What a freaking wasted life.
Living with a narcissist spouse have no future. They never keep their promises .they will keep on making the same mistakes again and again and again , they will keep on insulting, devaluing, raging. I think they are the real evil which we can see and feel with their actions on us.
You are and remain the best. You kind of speak to me from the soul and answer it to me as a psychologist. I thank you from the heart. Such a familiar interplay of what is happening here... Helps me heal more than anything else. Incredibly.. But true. Thank you, thank you.. Thank you. 💗😚💗😚
My narcissistic parent actually saw one of Dr. Ramani's vids (the one on gaslighting). She admitted to some of her wrongdoing, saying that she remembered gaslighting me and apologized, saying "I am seeing you, and I'm hearing you" with what I thought was a warm smile. I fell for it. Even as that week, each and every day, she slowly crawled back into her old ways. I still feel like an absolute fool.
Happened way too many times .. I'm done... it took a tole on my 17 year old .. he finally tried taking his life. As a mom.. I am taking the necessary steps with a built support system to get us out. Before the attempt by the grace of God I had already started watching your videos. You saved 4 lives. A mom and 3 children. Never did I know how deep it had got for myself. And now I have my son a support therapy group to get him through and a way to get us others help. We have lived under a narcissist control and manipulation for 8 years. Thank you for what you are doing! Reality is really hard to not blame ourselves. I wish I had only found your channel years ago. And it would have never took so many years of my children's lives! Thank you for all you do!
I asked my Ex if she might consider being nice...she said, "You want me to change who I am!" As if I was making an extreme ask. I never knew that there are people in this world who wake up in the morning committed to being cruel and callous to the needs and concerns of others. UN-BE-LIEVABLE!
Thank you for bringing in addiction. I am learning to shut down my empathy for lost souls stuck in their denial and darkness. I have asked to be set free, and these addicts refuse so I am in the no contact phase. Thank you Dr!
My marriage counselor fall for the "promise to change." by my narc husband. However, I let the counselor know that these persons do not change so easily, and that I am not falling for it again. As they would start off quite well and within a few weeks, they are back to their old self and even worse.
@@cacatr4495 hey,great to see your comment.And you're right..I've been no contact for a year now and doing much better😊😊😊 Hope you are doing well too..
Amen! I’ll go for anger management. I’ll go get tested. I’ll take meds. Went to this counselor; to that counselor. 7 months of change; quit meds. Best 4 months of marriage to end in divorce 4 months later. 13 yrs. Left with CPTSD from chronic narcissistic abuse. Still recovering from the trauma bond. Feel more love for the person when they quit communicating. Relief from constant Jekyll & Hyde; constant pressure; manipulation. I wanted to love this person, he just made it impossible.😢
This happened to me too once I was finally fed up with my (now) ex narc. He told me that he started going to therapy and finally understood that all of his problems are due to his mothers abuse when he was young. And that he was going to change ALL of his personal problems in the next few months. And that he was already seeing results from his 1 or 2 therapy sessions. (I had no words for all of this, it was SO obvious that he was just making all of this stuff up) As always though, he didn't even make the effort to admit what he did to me in our relationship. It was (as always) only about him and his problems. And he even told me that he was sure I was going to take care of my "problems" too. Seeing how he finally was working on his issues, I obviously had to make an effort for once now too. lol. By that point I was luckily already so fed up with his lies and manipulation that I didn't get sucked into this mess once again. I am very proud to say that I blocked him everywhere after that and never spoke or texted him ever again. 2 Years of no contact now.
LOL I AM GOING THROUGH EXACTLY THIS ... therapy, promise to change, all about him, his problems everything you said... but I... I GOT SUCKED IN.. AGAIN .. and you can guess what happened and why I am here...
I've been watching these videos for like a year and I always comment saying I've left my ex and then I go back. He's sitting on the corner of the bed right now. My throat hurts so bad from screaming I can barely swallow. He won't even leave the house. This action and your videos are what keeps me grounded. His infidelity and leering and alcoholism and drug abuse is all my fault, but when I beg him to leave with the last bit of power in my lungs, he refuses to. He likes it here. It is all control. He is killing me. Your videos keep me sane.
It happened to me 10 years ago when I filed for divorce and he hoovered me back and made all sorts of promises. Things got better for about a year. I do not think he ever got over it and planned accordingly. Now we are in the middle of a divorce he wanted but I am grateful because it is the best thing for me!
That is exactly what happened to me. He “apologized” and promises to change, but “he needed my help, as he couldn’t do it without me”. A week later he started a very strong gaslighting campaign against my new and quite uncomfortable boundaries. It was actually amusing, as I clearly recognized most of the techniques and showed him that with a annoyingly kind smile with a settled comment - “oh, so this is how you do the trick”, “what you’re doing right now is triangulation/gaslighting/mirroring etc. He was so frustrated, but beachside he is this “new person”, he wasn’t able to do the regular silent treatment and “punishment mode”. However, a few hours after he left home, I was still paralyzed, not able to react adequately, so exhausted and poisoned, that I wasn’t able to drive. Seriously, this is a sick, sick game that is really not worth. They don’t change. Thanks for tour work doctor Ramani !
Hi. I hear you. Mine did same. Hated my boundaries when took him back as was control to him. I got anxiety and feel it still now. I asked God to confirm and saw the words web cobweb as confirmation... stick in his web
I’ve spoken with my girlfriend numerous times about her constantly making issues from thin air and then when confronted she gets mad for even asking her to change and ignores the issue entirely. It feels like talking to a wall. She says I don’t listen and that I’m the source of our problems when I’m the only one trying to solve them?! It feels like someone is constantly slapping you and the moment you ask them to stop, they get mad at you for even asking. I should just give up and leave.
I asked my Ex if she might consider being nice...she said, "You want me to change who I am!" As if I was making an extreme ask. I never knew that there are people in this world who wake up in the morning committed to being cruel and callous to the needs and concerns of others. UN-BE-LIEVABLE!
Excellent example/illustration, slapping and then asking why you are asking. They truly don’t get it and in my experience of 18 years with 1 narcissist, they never will. Move on!!
I'm so sorry. It hurts when someone you love only uses communication to manipulate and rage. It's becomes a constant mantra- if we could just communicate. And then you blame yourself. Another part of being stuck in a narcissist cycle. HURTS
This was my best friend. After ten years of walking on eggshells, which began when we were roommates as strangers her control, manipulation, and possessiveness took over all my time almost immediately. She was just like my narc father...only I was not aware of any of these things 15 years ago. I had to last till the 2 year lease ended. She was so dynamic...love bombed all then flipped to victim hood...then rage... so when in separate cities I thought I could manage her. When I set a slight.....and I mean slight, boundary against an outrageous demand....she sent the most virtriolic email...and mailed to me all the gifts I had given her!!!! Then months later her husband sent me an email to see if I wanted "to mend the relationship"! No acknowledgement let alone apology! He was also a narc I believe. Within the next few years I'd get an email...always from him and condescending... and they showed up to my home to confront me...FIVE YEARS LATER!!! Fortunately I had just moved and changed my number! Lol. Sadly though...I had kept my curtains drawn every weekend those 5 years knowing they would someday ambush me. What a waste. After their tenth anniversary he emailed me to say she had abandoned him and kids and wanted to see me. I did NOT reply. Of note...she left them at Christmas..and was married again in a year. Her second child came just after they showed up at my old place. They were both looking for supply. Poor kids. My point.....you must leave. I was shocked that when she did that the biggest emotion was.... relief! Anger...you bet....but huge relief. Good luck and I'm very sorry you're going through this. It's being held hostage. Trust me...you will miss her and think of her a lot, but possibly not even close to the amount of calm and security you find ; and peace. 🐦🌈
I bought this line for years. When she was caught red handed she would cry and beg me to help her 'change' which I could never bring myself to not agree to do only for some time to pass and then for her to do the same thing all over again.
I broke up with him and then he said he became aware of all his toxic behavior, literally telling me everything I’ve ever wanted to hear from him. I still struggle with staying away from him.
Lisa trust me on this, block him on every platform and focus on your healing. He will destroy you if you ever go back, you will get over him in the end and then you can be free and happy. Be strong 👊
It makes him look even worse, because Remember all the times you've said that his behaviour is being toxic. And what was his reaction? It's usually demeaning gaslighting. And NOW he is aware and can remember every flaw that he's had?! Doesn't it mean that he good knew from the start that he was acting off? And then? What he did then?? Oh, when called out, while knowing to be wrong, he did everything he possibly could to make you feel even worse!!! And NOW he acknowledges it! It's been a while since you've told him to change his behaviour. And how he was behaving before saying to you that you were completely right? Or if you did not call him out and he "found it out by himself" it just means that he knew that he was doing wrong things to you right from the start. And then he ignored your pain. How someone like this could possibly change?!
That's what mine did to me he returned declaring "He's changed" , but I didn't fall for it. I nearly fell for the manipulation and then I self reflected and realised it was simply another manipulative tactic. I blocked him everywhere and he can't contact me.
My mother never promised to change. She was incapable of accepting that she was hurting me. Excerpt, when she was drunk and we were alone. She would break down in tears (not something my mother does) and start talking Inna very self deprecating way: "Well I'm sorry I'm the "a" hole I'm a "c word" of a human being" " it's my fault." All through tears, so much so that before I finally went no contact, I would fall into this pattern or position of soothing her. "you're not a bad person" "you're not an "a" hole." Her tears would stop. And then by the next day the night before was forgetting, but her behaviour would be a little "sucky upy", for maybe a week. And then things slowly went back to the way they were. It took me a long time to realise that that was emotional manipulation. And I kept falling for it, for years. But not anymore. I know now I deserve better. She may have given birth to me, but she is not the one who raised me. I raised myself. And for a long time I did a terrible job at it. Very maladaptive coping mechanisms were employed. But then I became aware of these, too, and have been working on them in therapy. And I haven't looked back, and honestly, it was the best decision I could have made for my health. Unfortunately I hat to cut my hyper-religious grandmother (mum's mum) off, too. Why? "She had you young and didn't know may better" "she lives you she just doesn't know how to show it" "you hurting yourself is hurting her and it's not fair for her" "stop saying bad things about her and crucifying her she's my daughter." "If you don't forgive her God won't forgive you, the Bible says so." "She just didn't know how to handle you being gay." I was silenced for the last time by my grandmother last year. I refused to shut my mouth about my experiences and trauma to protect an image that my mother had so skillfully managed to create for everyone else. I call it a defensive and offensive telepathic superpower where they change reality for everyone so that they are the victim, you are the problem, and change reality for you so that you second guess and wonder if they're right. But I'm woke now. No more.
QueervervescentBenjiJames Good for you. Stay strong and stay away. After the way she abused you, you don't owe her anything! Good luck on your journey.
Q, the spin cycle of an alcoholic. Drink, guilt, shame, drink. I once read all alcoholics are narcissistic but not all narcissists are alcoholics. YOU, go live a good life. 💪🏼💐
I honor your ability to be self-aware and to continue healing and focusing on improving yourself. I too essentially had to raise myself as my childhood was robbed of me. The only way to keep my sanity was to keep track of what everyone said and did so that I couldn't be gaslighted, and also to be very sure that what I said was true. I still deal with both of my parents (ages 88 and 86) never fully accepting me, they never stopped believing being gay is just a lifestyle choice. But their minds are old and no longer flexible, so their changing is not an option, especially on top of the onset of dementia for both of them. You must not be hard on yourself for your past, you continued to learn and you broke through the barrier between immaturity and adult self-accountability. I am so proud of you. You did so incredibly good.🤗 Be kind to yourself now and always through your continued healing in life. 👍☺❤ I hope to see you leaving more comments in the future, telling others of your progress. Take care.
@@danielkaiser8971 thank you. Thank you all, actually, for your words of encouragement. I didn't have a childhood, I didn't have an adolescence, and I was robbed if the first half of my 20's but not by my mother, by a manipulative christian cult that took advantage of my vulnerability. Firing me back into the closet and making me once again ashamed of my feelings and attractions towards men. It's only been in the last couple of years (27-30, current) that I've finally been able to accept myself and express myself free from persecution. J still struggle with internalized homophobia from time to time, but healing is a journey, a journey I'm grateful for. Up until my mid 20's, I was seduced and/or manipulated by family or religious groups to suppress and reject an essential part of my personal humanity. It's not been a long time for me to have been free to just he me and accept myself. I now have friends who love me just the way I am (something my Narcissist mother would say made people "stupid" for doing - accepting an effeminately gay man just as they are) and a living partner. We are actually about to move in together and I couldn't he more thrilled at what my life currently looks like, and sometimes I'm still taken aback by the stark juxtaposition of life as me now verses life as me back then, uo until my mid 20's. And I only just turned 30. Been living for myself and nobody else for only a few years. Most liberating feeling.
I cannot believe all the problems you listed that the narc will promise to change is EXACTLY what I’ve gone through. This hit the nail on the freaking head! My goodness!!
I asked my Ex if she might consider being nice...she said, "You want me to change who I am!" As if I was making an extreme ask. I never knew that there are people in this world who wake up in the morning committed to being cruel and callous to the needs and concerns of others. UN-BE-LIEVABLE!
As soon as they sense that "things are okay" the boomerang right back to same old same old. EVERY TIME. My whole life is evidence of this. Just run. Do not pass go. Seriously. Don't even think about another moment.
Exactly my story ... the only thing that can help is you putting boundaries, being honest with yourself and being brave enough to face the truth. For me it took 7 years to realise it. Evertime I felt that Ive had enouhh and was clear on walking away he would promise stuff and gaslight in order to make me feel that it was all my fault and that he was the victim who had to "change" for me...i broke all contact. His reaction to this was to call me things, and said that It was ashame that I reacted like that....such an a**.
“I’ll do whatever you want. We can have family therapy. I’ll pay. Please just tell me what I have done to make you so angry with me. The emotional exclusion is unbearable. I love you and would die for you. This will the last thing I ever ask of you.” The response to inserting a boundary after decades of drama and me finally saying ENOUGH. Interestingly, it wasn’t the last thing ever asked of me and the behavior simply escalated 😜 In a world when we truly want to see the gold in others, it sucks to have to treat narcs with such suspicion and doubt and mistrust. But it is unavoidable, if you want to take your life back.
You’re right, it definitely takes going against the instinct to “see the gold in others” to get to the other side of the manipulation. You’ve worded this really well. Maybe we need to flip the script and focus on the gold within ourselves, and who is worth having it.
I took my narcissist to therapy and one hour later, it was like we were never there. Well, that didn't last long and did not help. And yep. I gave up. The only thing that changed is that I realized that this person will never change and woke up to the fact that they are indeed narcissistic. Pat on the back to me. Withstanding hoovering is probably the hardest thing to get through as an empath.
This couldn't be more timely. The promises were just made this week and as much as I love this person, I know that I'm agreeing to "make it work" against my gut feeling.
It happened to me! And I believed him over and over and over again. UNTIL I divorced him and chose to not believe him anymore. It was ME who finally changed.
Needed to watch this again. I’m going through a separation and these videos are everything to me because even though my family is here for me, they write off my emotionally abusive relationship as every relationship and that said that I’m going to keep having this issue and I’m running away. They’re siding with my husband because I have a stable life with him and they think I’m burdening the family if I separate with him. I asked my family for comfort in my time of grief and my mom cried FOR my husband . My brother in laws are on his side obviously and both my sisters think that these are normal relationship patterns because they’re also in dysfunctional relationships, and one is narcissistic herself.
My wife literally told me, “I’ll stop acting this way when we get engaged/get married/have a baby.” And I bought it all. However, there is nothing that will change a behavior that benefits them! When you hear that phrase, run, people!
Dr. Ramani looks gorgeous! On the topic of narcissists and their promises to change, my experience was that they changed just enough for me to stay. And, as soon as they got the sense that I was in the trenches for the long war, they regressed to the behaviors that hurt. And, the worst of it, on this second or third chance they were more practiced at manipulating me and had become more thorough about undermining my self-esteem. One day, after taking one of my narcissist exes back, I went to work in Miami wearing winter wool pants and a flimsy designer shirt I borrowed from his closet because, instead of going home after visiting a friend during Chicago's winter, I drove directly to my narcissist's home, as I promised him. I didn't have clothing appropriate for Miami's sub-tropical client because I had not been home for a week, at his insistence. I know it seems vain, but it was so hard to be at work feeling thrown together like a scarecrow, and he STILL found multiple reasons to fight with me, but peppered them with expensive meals out. It was so exhausting, and I felt so humiliated and tired by the end of it all. Be happy that they have "changed", for themselves, and move on. Learn from me! I have more stories, far more painful than this, but a comment can only be so long. Please trust me and GO!
The change lasts a whole half hour.
Excellently put
Hahahaha 🤣😆😆😆🤣🤣🤣it's truly sad.
If that.....
Sadly, yes.
that gave me an audible chuckle
"I had to lie to you because of the way you react to things"
Classic
Lived this reality in my marriage... "I always feel attacked by you..."... "your tone of voice makes me see red..."...thank God it only lasted 3.5 years and I'm grateful every day I'm out.
My son's dad all the way. The mental gymnastics.
This is my fave line 😂
Soooo true!!!!
Classic narcissist line: "Let's forget the past and move on." SMH. Just their way of avoiding responsibility for their actions. Don't fall for it. Hold them accountable. The best predictor of the future is the past.
Hahaha... Let's forget... It's never let's forget but you forget. You forget so they have permission to do it again while you forfeit saying "again". It's been in the video on forgiveness.
Narcs don't view people as "people". We are props and pawns in their power plays or the villains in their stories (how they're a hero or victim). You don't exist for them enough to be considered as "living objects" or "not them".
It's not let's, it's you forget what 💩they did. They won't forget anything remotely human that you did.
Omg. That is the exact line that was used on me. I thought for a short minute change did occur. It pulled me deeper in the web. The mask came off and I went into lala land mode instead of running as fast as I could. I wanted him to love me, why wouldn't he? He sought me out a second time. It's just so messy, so sad, so unbelievable. I continued to say- the audio and video need to match, I am not getting hooked back in and I chose to try a second time. Worse than any nightmare I can ever imagine for myself! Looking to get healed and make healthy choices for my life!!!
So true, even if he did something outrageous 1 month or 1 week ago,it’s in the 'past', you can not talk about it 😑😖
@@oishi5518 don't worry - in time he'll make up a reason and rebrand/twist/rewrite the story and it'll be the only thing you're allowed to talk and think about... Usually while he does some other 💩 He's trying to bury.
Edit: it usually takes 2-3 months to rewrite and then even decades of forcing the narrative until they do another 💩 that they can't hide or dump on others
@@anna2belle783 Thank u for your insight❤I'm so glad and relieved that I had the strength to leave him before even more BS☺
The last time he said he would change... he was begging me... but I stood tall and said it's not my responsibility anymore, walked out and never looked back. It was the most empowering moment of my life.
Married to one for 11 years, left back in 2003 and he is still the same person. I have never regretted leaving only staying to long. Lesson learned. When you stay its because your addicted to the high of getting the dream you wanted. Get a new dream and save yourself
Good point about the role of addiction in holding out for a dream. I’ve had a lot of revelations about how my own addictions have played into these relationship dynamics, making it even more apparent that they have to do their own healing and I have to do mine.
I only stayed because of the kids. Now they live with me, and she's furious that her 'rights' are being denied. Doesn't matter how many times it's pointed out that if you throw your daughter out of the house, you don't get to play victim, when that daughter doesn't want to know you.
@@jimbobeire love is not a right but a gift. And it's the one that loves to decide if it is deserved, not the one that wants to receive it.
👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
My hope was after having reasonable discussions that we could function as a relatively happy family. My high was holding onto that hope. But that hope was based on falseness. False promises from them and signs that things could improve that turned out to be misleading and false. Having false hope is one of the most torturous things I’ve experienced in life. I had to go no contact with my narc family and only then did my recovery from depression get better.
I'm a narcissist and I'm coming to terms with it and the fact that I have let my trauma blindside me for many years to my sense of entitlement and needing to control situations to avoid experiencing more trauma and triggers. It's taken me a long time to realize it and while I initially began watching these videos to help me deal with other people, I've started to realize my own unresolved issues and why I feel something has been blocking me from my personal growth. I know in the past I've been the one to promise change just to buy myself time, but I know now that I have been continually experiencing the same life lessons and the only way to end the cycle is to face myself as the source of the problem. It's no one's fault that I had a difficult past. I commit to rejecting the narcissism of my pain and suffering, I will not let my past control my present any longer.
At least you’re truly aware of the behavior. A lot of people say narcs can’t change. I believe they can if they actually look really deep within themselves tbh
Wow. I cant tell you how great you are in saying this. If its any help. I have some shamanic leanings. On the esoterical side. You must work in bringing the masculine and feminine energies into balance as it is in the soul/psyche slippting in childhood due to trauma.In addition on the 3rd dimension you maybe a narcissist but on the fifth dimension ( and most will say of no use here ), on the fifth there are specific why you’ve had this life. When God created the world even in the darkness there was light. We are all traumatised , just on different levels. Keep trying to open your mind to different perceptions of situations if you can. i truly wish you healing
@Polyrhythmium explain to me one thing. You say about trauma. If you know how bad is others to cause trauma unto you, then why are you doing the same into others ? Is really that hard to make this logical deduction ? You are also intellectually challenged besides emotionally challenged ?
@Rich Martin explain to me one thing. You say about trauma. If you know how bad is others to cause trauma unto you, then why are you doing the same into others ? Is really that hard to make this logical deduction ? You are also intellectually challenged besides emotionally challenged ?
You and me both
It’s just an act. It’s because they know you see through them and they’re no longer getting what they want. They just want things to go back to normal and as soon as they do, so will their behaviour.
It’s hard for them to keep that mask on once they get what they want. ✌🏼
Big faxx
Hi narc serviver ❤👈
Exactly what my mother does over and over and over again and that’s why I no longer have contact with her
This 👏
These comments are breaking my heart Ladies.
LEAVE. LEAVE. LEAVE. NO MORE SECOND GUESSING YOURSELF!
YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY!!
...and gentlemen
@@lorettanericcio-bohlman567 feel free to make you own comment addressing the men here hon! Im not denying men have narc wives and find it hard to leave, but MY comment was addressing the wives who wrote lengthy comments on this video, of which i read about 10 or more, and i didn't see any long readlly sad ones from men. Again im not saying it doesnt happen, but if its ok with you and everyone, i wasnt adressing that right now. And Im sure there are probs a plenty of statistical data backing up that women have a very different time in the narc dynamics because they are child baring and therefore usually end up "losing" many more YEARS of thier lives.
Loretta WHY are you trying to use my comment to make an "equality" agrument? Its compleatly ridiculous. IF YOU WANT EQUALITY MAKE A COMMENT THAT SAYS
"My heart goes out to the husbands" or somthing. FFS
They say.. “why should I change, you are the problem.”
I asked my Ex if she might consider being nice...she said, "You want me to change who I am!" As if I was making an extreme ask. I never knew that there are people in this world who wake up in the morning committed to being cruel and callous to the needs and concerns of others.
UN-BE-LIEVABLE!
It’s always everybody else’s problem 🙄
Two things I can't handle anymore: stop hitting me and don't cheat on me.
"You're so controlling! You made me change everything about myself already (the false image she tried to sell me during the lovebombing phase)! You are a narcissist!"
So glad its all over.
@@healthyquadrant6587 Same! I asked my ex if he could stick to his promises or at least stop lying to me and be honest. He always said that I have to accept him the way he is and that he's not changing. At least I learned to date someones reality and not their potential.
Exactly, they turn it around on you.
After a two year “roller coaster ride”, we gave it one last trip! It was amazing for 3 months! I even stated how happy I was and accepted an engagement proposal....BAM!! My closest family and friends thought I was NUTS!! Well, they were right. The Gaslighting started and he said “I had CHANGED!” The Lies, Verbal/Emotional abuse escalated to Physical. It never gets better, only worse. Listen to “your little voice” and GET OUT!!! ❤️🙏❤️
Waw I’m so sorry you went through that. I am listening to my inner voice and all of you guys are inside my head. 2 years as well and promises to change after 4 months no contact. But after listening to all of this I know my inner voice is loader then ever ❤
Two year relationship too.....took him back second time....and nope no change after he said he had changed. Lasted three weeks as he hated me having boundaries for myself
In my experience they promise to change and will be on their best behavior for a while, when they can tell your guard is still up. As soon as you start to let your guard down a little after a while, BOOM! Not only are they back on it, they are making up for lost time with a heaping helping of extra vindictiveness thrown in. It's as though they are punishing you for putting them in a position where they had to promise to change to get what they wanted.
I was once in a relationship where what you said happened, except I was mocked for having my guard up and accused of making a big deal out of nothing. I was too young to understand any of what was going on (1990s early adulthood). But all the shaming did was make me more determined, yet still even this was used against me as if I were making resolutions and change impossible so the narcissist now had an excuse to give up any attempt at changing. I think this is why Dr. Ramani mentioned that the narcissist must change on their own time, not on the time of the other person.
YES! He begged not for a second chance but for a hundreth chance cause I gave him plenty. But after being let down by him so many times I KNEW his "change" would last 2 weeks and after that he would make me pay for giving him the consequences of his own actions smh.
Preach ‼️
omg you literally just described my experience with my S.O.'s mom.
That's exactly how they feel, it's payback!!
they will never change. NEVER. cut them out of your life.
The promises were never ending. 10 years of this false hope. I began dating this person when I was 19, married him 7 years later...with plenty of red flags in between. Anyhow, the abuse got worse and it did get physical. We did divorce and even after the divorce, he sought me out with promises of change. He always said he needed time and he was praying for us. I did give him another wasted chance, and he ran off with someone else, tattooed her name on his shoulder and blames me for it...so unfortunately, after a million chances the reality is that these people don't change. Ever.
So like my Ex smh these ppl have the same spirit
Wow almost the same here except I’m in 33 years married now
Gets other woman's name tattooed on his own body and it's YOUR fault?!? Geez! So sorry you had that happen to you
That kind of BS sounds so familiar. Everything was (and I'm sure still is) all my fault. All of his decisions gone wrong are someone else's fault, never his.
@@graceface418 I know right. It was like my punishment for catching him cheating for the infinith time.
@@Hundredacredaycare how are you doing? I stayed and kept going back trying to figure it out. Understanding what I was dealing with has helped me so much in my recovery.
40 years of marriage. 7 marriage counselors. Every session he would just glare at me with hate in his eyes. I was the screwed up person. I needed to be institutionalized. I left, shattered his world. Everything that you said Dr. Ramini happened!! I continued to go to counseling. I worked on ME not us. Been divorced for a couple of months. Healing my brain, heart and health. Thank you for your support!
Sorry, you had to endure all of this. But guess what? You are now going to enjoy the rest of your life with peace and quietness.
Didn't you see the red flags in the first year ?
@@visancosmin8991 no I did not. We partied and had a great time. He told me everything I wanted to hear.
Mine never promised or even acknowledged any issues. No accountability or responsibility.
Oh, yes. They're ALWAYS right!
When I see someone like this I always remember the phrase: "The more ignorant, the more convinced to be God-like". And, honestly, sometimes it feels like they think to be even better than God. That they know it better.
So I can't take them seriously anymore. And this pisses them off.
Because they're always trying to put on a mask of "the more important guy in the room" and then behave like impotent children that can't handle the adult life.
It's such a pity. For THEM. Being so old and grown-up and still needing to find a mommy that will solve their problems for them all by herself. Because that's what they call "unconditional/true love".
They are just not worth the imput.
I hope that you do well and
Good Luck!
Same here....HE was never the problem.. something was always wrong with ME
Mine too his new supply is doing it for him.
That’s exactly how they are , my ex husband was like that and later on my boyfriend is a better version but almost same
Dalia J just be careful....we naturally attract aholes....I find myself meeting dating people like my ex...I’m an empath...I’m still learning to speak up and not be afraid...
As Scotty from Star Trek said: “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.”
I’ve never known a narcissist who really intended to change. Never.
I just broke down in tears watching this. Every time I watch something in regards to a narcissist it’s like they are describing my husband perfectly! It’s like how sick is this?! It’s crazy......
I feel the exact same.
I hope you find a way to set yourself free and flourish. I’m praying for you 🙏🏽😔
@@a.o721 omg ....i went through this shit******
@@a.o721 SO true.My good friend sold me out too and told him of my whereabouts.......can u believe!
What’s crazy is that they are all the same person. Word for word!!
They never change. My story is with someone I had as a best friend for 5 years. During the time I saw how he treated the girls he dated while he treated me so nicely. When we started dating he started shifting to how he treated all his exes. Long story short after many painful years, a thousand failed promises to stop cheating/change and killing me and my self-esteem in the process, I decided to move on. The best decision I have ever taken and it took me years to rebuild myself but now I am married to an amazing man that cares about me and what I want. You might think that leaving them would kill you, but the truth is that you only start living after leaving them behind.
Thank you for sharing your story❤
@@aminakhan1372 ♥️we all deserve better my dear. You are very welcome. I hope my story shows that there is always a way out. Sending you many hugs♥️♥️♥️
Sending hugs back. Congrats to both of us for breaking free❤
Thank you for sharing this. I was his friend and saw how he treated the girl he was with, so I feel so guilty for then getting involved and letting him treat me terribly as well. Why was I friends with someone who was so cruel to others to begin with? But they are the biggest con artists! They’ll make you believe they’re the victim in everything!
Mine came back and was worse as I had boundaries.
A Narcissist Will Never Change Because They Don’t Have The Ability And
They Aren’t Willing To Take TheTimeTo Recognize The. Impact Of Their Destruction
And Toxicity Of Their Actions.
So so true 👍
abbb282 Thank You
They just dont care; life is all about buisness to them; i.e: getting there buisness done anyway, anyhow
Chris Wyma
So InCredibly True
You're right. They refuse to change because the things they do, serve their purpose. It's beneficial to them. Being empathetic, causes them "harm" & isn't in their best self interest. Easier to be selfish.
Promises mean they promise to pretend until the hoover works.
Only if it benefits them and definitely not permanent. ✌🏼
You're absolutely right
Nope. They will quickly do everything they did in the past, only more extreme.
Angelia Hines They want YOU to change to accommodate their juvenile manipulative behavior they never grew out of for whatever reason. They spend years getting better at manipulating people while others practice decency. ✌🏼
Transmutation and Transfiguration
Words have meaning….., and Feelings` not Logic’ dictates the interpretation and definition of the words we use and speak…..., and the less words you know…., the less you shall be able too access Magix + Alchemy = Sorcery… You would do well to fill your mind with as many words as your Processor will allow you to hold……., and then keep writing down New Words…, and Big Words till you can install them into your mainframe…….., and you must seek out the ramification markers in your dreams whilst you sleep’ for this place of PURGATORY is A Machine called the Great Work.., and we are all born into it……..., and we can all achieve Enlightenment., and Illumination to the Point that we become [Jedi Knights] #QANON /_\ doing Enchantments and even using the Force known as Telekinesis!!! Since we live in A Construct known as these {Virtual Reality} [{**}] Holographic Lives we all do so live, what would you learn too STOP the Racka from feeding off our Human Energy known as Pak-Toe???
In this POST MUD FLOOD, and latest RESET of the world, we have watched the TV Shows dictate our [ideologies] / * \ of the many, but “WE ARE” have maintained exclusion from the Mind Control of PROJECT BLUE BEAM……., and we Humans are more “aware” [{*}] of these nonhuman whom run every FREE MASON Lodge in every Country as an (Invasion Force) where the FLAG is their primary IN YOUR FACE we took your rights away, and made all nonmason Populations - People - Persons SLAVES to Idolatry be that American Idol to Russian Idol too Made In China Worship, and when you have Heroes, you are to Worship them that do WAR IS MURDER when “murder” is something only Humans can do to Humans, and knowing this, we might be able to “redirect” these next 10,000 years if we become proficient in PRE MUD FLOOD Technology, and we will…
After The Pre World War of 1853 to 1854 the U.S. Flag changed….., and anyplace you see that U.S. FLAG of the U.N. Troops shows whom has these “Mercenaries” in our Countries be it Asia, The Middle EAST, Africa, Europe, The Baltic, India, and these 50 STATES FOR AMERICA where we do not see our “State Flags” on our Military aka The Coast Guards and The National Guards, nor do we see OUR STATES FLAGS on our Capitals where them [Statues Stand] even in the USofA where Statues adorn a majority of CAPITAL Buildings in a Capitalistic Federalist COMMUNIST “Socialist System” of Socialites telling WE THE PEOPLE what to do when All Politics and All Governments are A Religion Unto themselves…..., as they use our Employment Money to do WAR IS MURDER with OUR paid employees: The Military of our CORPORATION “Conspirator” FLAGS of the U.N. international mafia of FREE MASON Lodge Members!!!
That spoken, you do need to look in your Cities aka The CAPITAL CITIES of each State - Nation - Country FLAG and seek out Small Old World Buildings “like this one” in ATLANTA GEORGIA exclusion of the USA or U.S. FLAG Predominance in our Southern Republic… Each State Flag is the CAPITAL FLAG of your Home Land, and the U.S. FLAG is not your homeland, it is an OCCUPATION FORCE of the U.N. “World Police” known as Peacekeepers, and they put that god dammed U.S. FLAG everywhere and anyplace they can, but you must know your STATE FLAG “supersedes” the U.S. FLAG that was only made for a CONFEDERATION known as Republican/Democratic [Control] of your 50 States Navies - Marines - Army, and Air Force, but do you see YOUR National “Identity” STATE FLAG on any Military - Militia - Guards., or even Local Police?.?.?
Johnny Exodice
The Reason you have no State Flags on your Police Cars, Police Helicopters, National and Coast Guard is because YOU The People of each State Flag have allowed the “U.N. Troops” and their U.S. FLAG of the United Nations INTERNATIONALIST of FREE MASON Lodges to put that “U.S. FLAG” on Your Police, Youse States Militaries, and even above Your STATES FLAGS cause the U.S. FLAG is High Treason - Sedition - Treachery known as a WAR TIME FLAG…..., and this “U.S. FLAG” wants WAR IS MURDER, and that is why “These People” our Doppelganger Populations from the Other Side of FLAT EARTH own all the “TV Shows” called The {NEWS} World Order…
The Sentinel…
ua-cam.com/video/cOexMNZzTqs/v-deo.html
In my Dream I was with Pickard of Star Treachery, and I was using the FORCE of Star Wars to show him “We The People” do have Powers of Observation, and we know we live inside a Celestial Sphere as Celestial Beings……., and the Reason they Dug into the Grounds after the LAST MUD FLOOD Breakdown of the A.I. was too Retrieve the A.I. and have it {teach us} how to Rebuild Rockets aka ICBM Nuclear Hydrogen Weapons, and how to Rebuild all “The Tech” of NOTHING NEW UNDER THE SUN in our SIMULATION Encampment… That said, in ATL there is a Small hidden in plain Sight “Portal” that allows you to Traverse the {TIME LINES} in this Never Ending Oraborus De-Ja-Vu Curse…
ua-cam.com/video/kKRGcFjs4B8/v-deo.html
The Society of nonmason~
[///|||\\\]
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Absolutely! They will act like they have "changed" for the better but they know how to play you. They will "change" and do so well and you're so happy that they listened to what you said but then when you feel you can trust him/her they "hurt" you again.
Spot on! I was told “I don’t wanna lose you over this nonsense” I guess nonsense is considered putting someone down and emotionally manipulating them to the point of them walking on eggshells 24/7
Yep. After I stopped talking to my narc he accused me of letting small petty things ruin the friendship. So he is allowed to hate on everything and disagree with everything I say for years I guess. That's small. But if I slightly disagree one time I get a lecture about him wanting to share his ideas without being mocked. Ok.
I had a friend in my life whose narcissist promised he had changed and she fully fell for it despite being a psychologist herself and knowing for sure he was a narcissist! No one is immune to manipulation!
Yes. My narc is with an empath life coach. I hope that she can see the truth.
"No one is immune to manipulation" is 100% accurate.
That is so sad because she has a double whammy. She would feel like she should "know better". Nah - these people are so clever at being so evil
Wow she asked for that she was well over qualified.
Bronwyn Tanner My ex always loved the game,
(Said in a sing song voice)
"I know something you don't know~"
It's their favorite game to have information and confuse, to not tell the truth, or twist it.
Manipulation isn't all that magical I think, it's just like blaming your sibling when your mom catches you both in the cookie jar.
"He made me do it."
"It's his fault."
"He told me to."
It's just spreading false information.
It's also calling your brother stupid afterwards
"You are an idiot"
"Why are you crying? Geez You're so sensitive."
"I need a break from your drama, I have a headache."
Dr Ramani this CHANNEL has saved my sanity. I am slowly coming out of the fog and getting my power and a happy life back after 46 yrs. I will never believe him again and I also now know he will NEVER change. Thank you.
I did 40 yrs 🤪been free 14 months now 🙋♀️ we can do this 🙋♀️🙏🙏💪🏻
Hello I read you're comment, I been 36 years I lift him going almost 2 years, but I still love him and miss him iam even praying to God that he will change and come back and take me home, he told me before i lift that he didn't love me then the next day he treated me like nothing happen I still lift I ask him 2 weeks ago can i please come back home and he said no and that anyway he going to divorce me he been telling me this since I lift him. Now this men had cheated, lie, abusive to me and blame me for everything he make me feel guilty I wish I can forget about him, there so much more to said but it will tore out to be a book. I want to know how are you are doing after so many years. Thank you. Blessing.
It's hard work lots of therapy and belief that you are stronger then you ever believed possible.
I have now been on my own for 11 months. This passed Tues my divorce came through. I felt such an enormous relief I am no longer legally bound to him. I divorced him and with a very understanding attorney was able to pay the fees out of the small maintaince he was giving me. He told me there would be no divorce when he started his affair and he would just look after me. I proved him WRONG. It's been hard therefore making the achievement all the more great in my eyes. Do I still care love him a little of cause I have made excuses for his behaviour all these years. But I now know without a doubt I am a happier kinder person. I have left the toxicity behind. You too will find the strength to walk away through prayer
Good luck.
narcissists cannot change. it really is that simple.
They won't change because they will never be accountable. Its everyone else who have the problem.
charmaine Macgregor What if they are narcissists too? considering it's inherited. So if we got narcissistic parent, what are the odds we're narcissistic as well?
You may turn out to be a narcissist as well, or you may take on some of the traits of your narc parent. Are you capable of insight? That will make a difference as to what kind of person you become.
M T cannot and will not
Denise Buese I definitely acquired some of their traits. My fathers was malignant as heck, my mother may be on a smaller scale... I always thought perhaps she took up traits of my father due to her also being abused by him. Good chance their parents were pretty messed up to them as well. It's like a cycle, huh? A generation has to break out of it, which I do believe to be my generation. We need to do something about this. Let them all know of their narcissism. Perhaps a therapist or psychiatrists can be their medium so they can have insight. They may just get mad and spit their venom at us if we just call them out on their narcissism? How is is possible for me being the only one that is damaged and needs help? My parents need help too!! I guess I'm an equality type of person. I don't find it fair that the people who damaged us pretend to be fine, even go as to say we need help when in reality it's their fault we're in this position. I may have too much insight considering I recall being a teenager and going months without speaking to them. The whole time I was trying to figure out what was wrong with them... what was wrong with me?... all of this is making so much sense, but it feels like we're stuck. They need to want to be a part of the change, but the whole point of being narcissistic is believing nothing is wrong with you, correct?
Promise of change is NOT the same thing as delivery of change. It's important and critical to your physical, mental and emotional health and even your life to understand the difference.
yes!! they are liars!!
Didnt promise to change, just said lets turn a new page and forget about everything rhat happened before.just so he can gaslight me allover again
Sounds like my mother.
Heard that 1000s of time
Ah jeez - just wow.
Ive got third degree burns from all the gaslighting 😫
طبعا...لازم نقلب الصفحه ع كى حاجه هو عملها بس لو سمح الله انتي الغلطانه..كل يوم حيفتح ليك الموضوع
Yes I began the break up conversation. She kept swearing she would change, she even purchased a book on narcissim and read the first few chapters while on FaceTime, but once I got my mind off the idea of breaking up, I didn't see her reading anymore. My breaking point was when she (to this day, this is what I believe happened) she got herself pregnant with my seed without my consent. The pregnancy ended in a miscarriage. I stuck around for 2-3months while using condoms to be emotionally supportive, and proceeded to end the relationship. 4yrs in that relationship and although I got her to stop the non sense in many areas, other areas would eventually arise with new problems. Narcissist don't want solutions, they prefer a new angle to create the same problem or a new problem to keep the chaos wheel turning. She never changed and she ended up moving away to a far away state. I went no contact asap. This was 1yr and a few months ago and I am still no contact and have no interest of having contact.
He promised everything I wanted and then slowly pulled back. When I called him out on it, he turned it around on me and said that it was making our relationship unhealthy and he shouldn't have promised to begin with because I manipulated the situation. And because he changed so much now it's my turn to make some changes because he feels that he's the only one who is making any changes in our relationship. It's crazy making logic.
He flipped the script.
Yeah and the frustrating part is to explain it to other people because the logic makes no sense. The worst is to explain one narcissists toxic behavior to another narcissist because you can see how they actually switch in between two positions 1) defend the narcissists abuse as a normal reaction to being slighted 2) they focus on how you are deficient and that you need to try harder for the other person. No contact sadly is the only thing that works for your health :/
That where mine goes every time too till you've questioned yourself and changed and now you're so insecure you cant decide if you're even breathing or not
@@tturing5698 exactly 45 yr of it for me and I've become this bitch or ??? I've gotten to afraid to talk to anyone or go anywhere hed so good at the victim roll .
They are so clever...
I hit rock bottom, to the point my ex found himself a therapist to prove he was not the problem. After a couple of sessions the therapist prescribed him to take some acting classes to fix “the problem areas”. I was appalled at that therapist and the “is all good” diagnosis. When I went to see the therapist to complain, he said: “if you know he is a narc, then you know he is not going to change. He can learn how to act to make things manageable for you but he is not going to change.” After the shocking realization, that same therapist helped me get out of the toxic relationship. I’ve been no contact since then. I got to give props to my ex, at least he found an excellent therapist for me 😅.
I love how this turned out for you. What an awesome therapist!
You mean “When a narcissist promises to change.....you”
This is what I really have come to as a conclusion. A narc wants you to change from who you are (very often, we may not be in the best places, but we are in a better place than the narc in some way) into a person who accepts the abuse they give you and not complain. You become a perfect source of supply.
It was always"but you..."
If I could just be perfect he would be able to handle reality.
Self control for the narcissist is just tyranny of another.
Word of advice: Listen carefully to their "promise" because it's usually full of qualifiers to give them a reason to slip out of it later on. If they "keep their promise", it'll be on their terms and their definition of what that promise is and what your needs are. If you call them out on it, you'll meet the real monster that they are.
He wouldn’t promise to change but he’d apologize and tell me I was the love of his life. A few hours later he’d flip and tell me he hadn’t loved me for years and no one liked me and I was lazy and abusive. Then a few hours later he’d apologize. And it would continue. Multiple times a day for about a month. And he had his best friend running damage control for him. I thought I was losing my mind.
Ugh, that sounds terrible! I’m glad you have insight into the crazy-making behavior now and I’m sorry you had to go through that.
Those are the worst
When they change their behaviour too much you have to take for good the worst one. And see the best one as an act. ("What does he want to obtain from me putting on this super-good mask?") And then ask yourself if you can really need someone like that. It's the only way to keep yourself grounded enough to stay sane.
Peace ✌️
a. m. Exactly. Leaving saved my sanity. (Though I wasn’t the one who ended it, he did.) I left to give him the space he wanted to find himself. And it was the best decision I think I’ve made.
I am sorry you had to go through that
My narc ex told me I was the abusive one and the toxic one in the relationship and even convinced me to the point where I thought I was a narcissist and was looking for professional help. Has this happened to anyone else? Luckily, I listened to everyone around me who told me to get out of the relationship as soon as I was brave enough to start speaking of the abuse I endured for over 5 years... Some of these people I found in the comment section of these videos. So thank you all ❤️ now I am happier than I’ve been since I remember
Exactly! When I called my nex out on his abusive behaviors he said that I was the abusive one! He claimed the reasons we weren’t working is because I don’t know how to communicate. He’s the only person in my professional and personal life who’s ever claimed that. When I reality, whenever I mentioned anything that bothered me it was turned around on me in fits of rage. I’m glad you got out! ❤️
Yup! My husband is convinced that I have borderline personality disorder. My counselor of 4 years says no, and outlr last marriage counselor sort of chuckled (during a solo sessions due to my husband's tantrums) and immediately said no, I do not have BPD.
Go you. Are you ok now. I got rid mine after his second chance. I set boundaries he didn't like
I guess they're all the same; notice how they've got the same language and way of trying to put you down when they themselves are self-loathing, lonely and insecure beings. I'm so proud of you for coming out of that one. I hope you're stronger than ever now and doing way better. Cheers! ♥️
"I justified abusing you because you're toxic, and you're the abusive one. It's because you make me like this"
5:11. They have a new phone: When they start leaving their regular phone lying around BEWARE, they want to appear to be transparent when they're in fact upping their game.
What do you mean about the phone? Are you looking at it often? What's on the phone that needs to be seen?
@@healthyquadrant6587 My STBX never went anywhere without his phone until one day he started leaving it on the kitchen table which was unusual. I believe he purchased a new phone which he could have contact with his new supply(s) and his game was to seem transparent by leaving his regular phone out as if to say go ahead and have a look, no proof there. They are very conniving and know how to hide their indiscretions.
Sooooooooo cunning. Never could you ever trust a narcissist.
I found his new phone...he was on every f***ing dating site possible! No change!
OH MY GOD THIS IS SADLY SO TRUE 😩😩😩😩
My narc father “changed” after my mother and sister were completely done with him. He went to rehab and got sober. He stopped running around town and was home with my mother. But he didn’t really change. He just found a new audience in AA. That got him through until his death.
🙋🏻 yes - raising my hand- the ultimate future fake, but time and again, we end up in the same place. They do not want to lose - “promising to change is their final attempt at winning.” No truer words have been spoken. “Support their goals but step away....please don’t succumb to a false promise” Thank you Dr Ramani
THEY NEVER CHANGE!!! THEY FEEL THEY ARE PERFECT AND DO ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG!
Counseling’s not a good option because they try to impress the therapists and act like you have problems and are “too sensitive.” When we left the office he would scream at me for bringing up what he didn’t want known.
What about having them go to individual counseling to a counselor specializing in narcissistic disorders?
Not with a good therapist! My ex spouse was nailed within 5 minutes of being there. I was in shock and the therapist probably saw that and took control. FOREVER in her debt.
My ex husband studied psyche over the years. We went to a therapist for months. Things only got worse over time. He started getting physical. The last session I had with the therapist she seemed shocked 1 that he didnt show up and 2 at the things I told her were going on. She appeared dumbfounded and said "but he presents so well." Every time he pulled another stunt my dad would raise his eyebrow and say 'but he presents well'
Yeh. I went to one with one of my ex narcs, and she completely flipped everything around on me. Im Hebrew, and she even got the theropist saying my religion is wrong. It was the worst experience ever
@@redtigerlily8165 They are very very talented in "presenting well".
By the time my ex narc husband promised to change I had already met your videos. I asked, "did you not try to change all these years, what are you willing to do differently this time?" that question was always met with his usual rage followed by countless sorry but you were provoking me. I am grateful for these videos because I would have fallen for his lies again and again to my detrimental
When they promise to change,remember, its just a trick to suck you into their claws, to make you regret for your reactions,to make you feel guilty,to make you surrender,to create false hopes about them in you so that you start chasing those hopes.....I am right I think,what do you say?
They give hope where there is none
Spot on description. Thank you
@@noracharles9366 yes.thanks
They just want to punish you
Totally correct!
My husband yelled in my face that 'he will never change'. I believe him, this is not going to get better.
Also what I hate is when I try to point out what he is doing and he says I do the same thing"we are so much alike. " so we talk in circles and nothing gets accomplished. So frustrating.
Talking in circles is a definite, feels like we never get anywhere.... Tries to convince me I'm wrong and I'm the one invalidating him when all I'm trying to do is help him 'see'. Soul draining......
Oh yeah..this one I’ve heard too many times to count!
Same shit here... I showed him this channel of dr Ramani, I thought it will help him open his mind and change , but he just got educated and now he is projecting me that I am the Narcissist 🤣 lol
@@lanatodorova6295 yep. Same! It’s not funny but you have to laugh at the shit 😂
Mine says in response to X: "No, you are!". Ummm ... k ...
Dr. Ramani, you have changed my life. And your empathic nature has reached many, many others, I'm sure.
Best change with a narcissist: change yourself. See them for the pieces of garbage (utterly useless to the world) that they are, and then get the precious self-confidence you need to navigate their insane world in order to avoid future attacks from other vile creatures of the same cloth. I believe that self-confidence remains the main ingredient to resisting future attacks. There are many empaths, out there: these are the people I aim to meet and enjoy life with.
From the viewpoint of a narcissist, I believe the "promise of change" is indeed a desperate attempt to keep the mask on. At this point, they know (and feel) that the mask is slipping away. This is the point where you actually know, with absolute certainty, that they are narcissists. If you needed total proof, this is *the* one. They're not stupid. They're just completely buying their own story.
🤚Happened to me. Listen to this video people!! I wasted 10 years in Bible Studies, therapy and counseling “helping him change”
And what happened? He didn't change ..?
@@lanatodorova6295 : You probably meant to be facetious, but in the event you are actually serious.... No! At the final therapy group, he told me he understood he had a sexual addiction, and it was my job to stand by him and help him through. But by then Dr Ramani and Dr. Carter had repeated enough times, “ they don’t change, and you cannot fix someone else” and I recognized his words for the control tactic they had always been. He’s gone now. Let him destroy someone else.
Same 🤦♀️
Time with God isn't wasted
@@malibudolphin3109 : true, but you took it out of context. The point was, the ex used Bible Study as a gaslighting event. Just more abuse. Satan can use anything as a weapon.
Yes, he would say, “ I will do better” “We’re going to work it out” but the relationship became worse!
Yesterday he started a conversation with me after I asked him to leave where it sounded like he wanted to change and recognized his mistakes but by the end of the conversation he enumerated all the things I do wrong. So much so that he said he wanted to cancel our plans for our anniversary because "we have nothing to celebrate." Charming!!
It’s all traps to purposely let you down. Narc is a “friend” and he just took the damn mask off and laid it on my kitchen counter. He mentions that he will call up his old girlfriends to reconcile( cuz the unaware women still hold on to hope of saving him) to invite them out to dinner ONLY TO CANCEL ON THEM LATER. It’s a shit show. Run.
Sounds like mine!
Mine just said the same thing. We just had ours. I spent it with my brother.
I was married to a narcissist for almost 10 years and it was the same cycle over and over and over again. I know he will bring the same insane rollercoaster to the next person he meets and I feel sorry for that person!
Mine never promised but he constantly gave me a list of all the things I needed to change about myself
I can relate.
Same.
FACTS 😂🤣😂🤣🎟
Yeah man. By the time I broke down and went grey rock, I didn't even recognize who I was.
Omg, projection at it's best!
I love how DrRamani brings some irony while speaking about the lies of the narcissist. It makes me laugh even though the topic of narcissm is such a hard topic.
Thanks DrRamani for all you do, because of you I left my narcistic husband this year. ❤️
Are you back with him ?
change comes from within - hard to believe that when it’s an empty soul
Listen to Sara here !!!!
It happened to me as well. Just as I gave up he said he would change, said everything I ever wanted to hear. Little did he know I was onto his tactics (I had been studying narcissistic behavior for a few months and I knew about hoovering). So even though that broke my heart all over again, I still didn’t go back. Which then made him very angry and he told me details of his infidelity to hurt me (which did hurt a lot). Finally I implemented the “no contact” to protect myself from further harm. I’m in therapy and I have been successful ignoring his contact attempts since June.
Narcissists are too hard-wired to change. Besides, "you're the one that's the problem".
Thank you! Thank you! This was exactly what I needed to hear. I left my husband in secret and blocked him and I am hearing from other people how he acknowledges everything and promises to change and even is giving me flowers on my car and a card at my workplace. Thank God he doesn't know where I live.
When I finally moved away from my narc mom, as soon as I got to my dad’s house, she said, “looking back, I know I should have done things differently” or something to that effect, and I actually let myself believe it. Lol! She told me she wanted to get therapy (we went to a therapist before I left), and then when I got to his house I asked her if she was going to continue going, and she said, “no, I’m fine.” And she hasn’t changed since. It’s the saddest thing I’ve ever seen. My mom never let herself have a life. I guess she convinced herself along the way that she could only be “king of the castle” in her town, and that’s it.
Yeah I can relate to this. In my opinion I think narcissists really hurt themselves a lot including making their world sooo incredibly small and never reach any meaningful goals for them to be proud of and part of it is to always need to be king of their castle. They are also continuously left and feel as an outsider because over time the people they admire and like get wise to their injurious patterns and distance themselves. They never have the courage to venture out. In my opinion I actually feel sorry for them, while also seeing that you cannot hug a snake. It will act like a snake. So you need to be at a safe distance.
"King of the castle" that was the most accurate thing about them I've ever read/heard. They're so obsessed with that tiny world they live in. It's depressing to watch.
Sounds so much like my mum.
New Start Lol!! I truly believe my mom didn’t want kids, even though she tells me it was “her passion.” I think she only had kids so she could eventually blame them for her own unhappiness.
After 30 years of repeating the cycle of emotional abuse when i finally divorced my narcissist husband, I was “the most unforgiving person he had ever met”. So be it! I no longer care what he thinks.
They never wanted to be better for themselves, why would we be any more special to deserve it? If they want to play, they will. If not, back to the shelf.
Lucy Rane .... they have none, thus, the false self.
@@CS-iv8tk exactly these ppl dont love their self but feel they deserve honor n love from others n feel im better than you if i dont love me who are you for me to love i need love you not popular or rich or beautiful
Yup. My ex-husband promised to change two weeks after I announced my plans to divorce him. After almost 25 years of his crap, I was so sick of the sight of him, I was finally done. FINALLY!
It happened to me. My mother promised to change and I was smart enough to take her words with a grain of salt, and low and behold she didn’t change. So it’s just a bunch of BS.
Yeah these kinds of parents never change. Even if they admt to neglecting you as a child they will continue exactly the same behavior as adults.
Whenever I was abused as a child, my mother immediately called the people she knew to make sure they had "her" version of what "really" happened (all lies) as an ongoing drama of how I was misbehaving, how I needed "guidance", how I was given a lecture I gladly agreed to (when I was screamed at for 5 hours) -- all in case I went to any of them and told them what actually happened, they would think I was a child who was overreacting or trying to get out of learning an important lesson or denying my fault. All to cover up her abuse.
@@danielkaiser8971 That's rough. These people really should not have kids.
@Zhenzhen Xiang My family contacted my work place after I went nc too
T Turing, I agree except my mother used all of her kids as a safety net for finances if ever the father wanted a divorce. My dad is not my siblings' dad, and I was the last born. He told me if it weren't for me, he would have ditched my mother in a heartbeat. Her previous husband divorced her but had to pay alimony and child support. He did not live long after that, and he passed on just after my mother married my dad, so I never met him.
He not only promises to change but he did everything I wish from him in 30 days...I was done with him so it didn't changed my mind and left him. Thanks Dr. Ramani😊
he wrote me a letter that I will stay with you forever, I'm changed, but after just 1 month he tore up his letter
and he discarded me.
Childlike behaviour. "I can't let you leave me!!! I am the super-human!!! You can't choose to leave me! It has be me to choose to leave you!!!" Their fragile ego can't stand the idea of not being enough for someone.
I look at the hoovering and the discard being just a phase they have to go through to be able to stand the fact that they are not liked anymore.
You can see the fact that you've come back to him as a mercy to a pitiful someone that otherwise could not stand living with himself. Like you gave him a pitiful pat on a shoulder "Yes, yes. It's true. It's not me, it's you leaving me".
But don't let him know that you're happy you're done, or he will come back. (Known from experience).
Wish you all the best! Peace and love!
Thank you@@a.m.1675
I forgave him twice and each time he treated me worse than the last time. Now I'm done I will never ever let him to come back into my life.
Somayeh Sheikhi It always gets worse. I’ve been married for 19 years and left 3 times. The first two times I went back, and the behavior became more contemptuous and extreme each time. Anyone who’s thinking that they can handle going back to the situation they left because they have kids or economic problems or they’re lonely or whatever reason makes a return look appealing, just know that you won’t have the same situation you left. They always find ways to ratchet up the misery.
The letters are so gut wrenching. You get this feeling of hope and giddiness over the romance of a love letter. When you read closely, it’s often worded “we can do better” or “we’ve both made mistakes”. Emphasis on the “we” and complete lack of accountability on their end. I got two letters after it ended, and the more I was able to see the bigger picture, it was very manipulative. Love bombing at its finest especially when they never once used the same compliments or affirmations. Be grateful he tore it up himself.. it’s not even worthy of the five seconds of energy it would take to destroy! :)
@@user-xd6nc6rg7b true that, they punish you for "leaving"
Dr. Ramani would have changed my life 30 years ago. All I have to offer anyone now is commenting on her videos and teachings. No, they won't change. They will fool you, fool your children, fool the world . Even though I grew up with a narcissistic mother, I didn't catch on to what my narc husband was doing to myself and my children over the years. Two marriage counselors looked at me in horror when I didn't react to my husband's tears during the sessions. One actually humiliated me so badly I couldn't go back. The second couldn't see that he was saying exactly what she wanted to hear, nothing more. He would smirk all the way home. Over time she did see his true colors and dropped us both.
I ran three hours away to my sister's home in utter frustration so many times over the years, falling for the tears for a while upon returning after promises were made. The love bombing Dr. Ramani talks about was so wonderful. Over 30 years I have run away 62 times, and yet here I am. Despair takes over. Anguish takes over. What a freaking wasted life.
I believe in change. I don’t believe in second chances. Please change.... for yourself, not me, I’m good. Good luck to your future changed self!
Living with a narcissist spouse have no future. They never keep their promises .they will keep on making the same mistakes again and again and again , they will keep on insulting, devaluing, raging. I think they are the real evil which we can see and feel with their actions on us.
You are and remain the best. You kind of speak to me from the soul and answer it to me as a psychologist. I thank you from the heart. Such a familiar interplay of what is happening here... Helps me heal more than anything else. Incredibly.. But true. Thank you, thank you.. Thank you. 💗😚💗😚
Their promise to change means they will be more careful now while cheating n lying
My narcissistic parent actually saw one of Dr. Ramani's vids (the one on gaslighting). She admitted to some of her wrongdoing, saying that she remembered gaslighting me and apologized, saying "I am seeing you, and I'm hearing you" with what I thought was a warm smile.
I fell for it. Even as that week, each and every day, she slowly crawled back into her old ways. I still feel like an absolute fool.
Jepp
Happened way too many times .. I'm done... it took a tole on my 17 year old .. he finally tried taking his life. As a mom.. I am taking the necessary steps with a built support system to get us out. Before the attempt by the grace of God I had already started watching your videos. You saved 4 lives. A mom and 3 children. Never did I know how deep it had got for myself. And now I have my son a support therapy group to get him through and a way to get us others help. We have lived under a narcissist control and manipulation for 8 years. Thank you for what you are doing! Reality is really hard to not blame ourselves. I wish I had only found your channel years ago. And it would have never took so many years of my children's lives! Thank you for all you do!
They never change walk away
I asked my Ex if she might consider being nice...she said, "You want me to change who I am!" As if I was making an extreme ask. I never knew that there are people in this world who wake up in the morning committed to being cruel and callous to the needs and concerns of others.
UN-BE-LIEVABLE!
This is LITERALLY my experience right now. My eyes are so open. I am concerned.
Thank you for bringing in addiction. I am learning to shut down my empathy for lost souls stuck in their denial and darkness. I have asked to be set free, and these addicts refuse so I am in the no contact phase. Thank you Dr!
Made this mistake years ago and went back. Not falling for it this time, I’m done!
My marriage counselor fall for the "promise to change." by my narc husband. However, I let the counselor know that these persons do not change so easily, and that I am not falling for it again. As they would start off quite well and within a few weeks, they are back to their old self and even worse.
Pfft! They don't need to change...YOU DO!!! 😂😂😂
Yeah...eventually you do change for them and become a shadow of your past self..it’s sad😣😥
@@oishi5518
or you change by leaving, and going no-contact.
@@cacatr4495 hey,great to see your comment.And you're right..I've been no contact for a year now and doing much better😊😊😊
Hope you are doing well too..
Amen! I’ll go for anger management. I’ll go get tested. I’ll take meds. Went to this counselor; to that counselor. 7 months of change; quit meds. Best 4 months of marriage to end in divorce 4 months later. 13 yrs. Left with CPTSD from chronic narcissistic abuse. Still recovering from the trauma bond. Feel more love for the person when they quit communicating. Relief from constant Jekyll & Hyde; constant pressure; manipulation. I wanted to love this person, he just made it impossible.😢
I was promised the world including changing but it never happened
That future faking, it’s hardest thing to do not to give them a chance but you know they will not change because you have given enough chances.
This happened to me too once I was finally fed up with my (now) ex narc.
He told me that he started going to therapy and finally understood that all of his problems are due to his mothers abuse when he was young. And that he was going to change ALL of his personal problems in the next few months. And that he was already seeing results from his 1 or 2 therapy sessions. (I had no words for all of this, it was SO obvious that he was just making all of this stuff up)
As always though, he didn't even make the effort to admit what he did to me in our relationship. It was (as always) only about him and his problems. And he even told me that he was sure I was going to take care of my "problems" too. Seeing how he finally was working on his issues, I obviously had to make an effort for once now too. lol.
By that point I was luckily already so fed up with his lies and manipulation that I didn't get sucked into this mess once again. I am very proud to say that I blocked him everywhere after that and never spoke or texted him ever again. 2 Years of no contact now.
Congrats on setting those boundaries. Sounds like your bullshit detector is on point. Enjoy your freedom and wisdom!
LOL I AM GOING THROUGH EXACTLY THIS ... therapy, promise to change, all about him, his problems everything you said... but I... I GOT SUCKED IN.. AGAIN .. and you can guess what happened and why I am here...
@@selenajet6525 Girl you can do it! There's more out there for all of us than having to put up with this bull****
@@80islandia I'm kicking myself in the butt right now cuz I got ducked in too.
I've been watching these videos for like a year and I always comment saying I've left my ex and then I go back. He's sitting on the corner of the bed right now. My throat hurts so bad from screaming I can barely swallow. He won't even leave the house. This action and your videos are what keeps me grounded. His infidelity and leering and alcoholism and drug abuse is all my fault, but when I beg him to leave with the last bit of power in my lungs, he refuses to. He likes it here. It is all control. He is killing me. Your videos keep me sane.
It happened to me 10 years ago when I filed for divorce and he hoovered me back and made all sorts of promises. Things got better for about a year. I do not think he ever got over it and planned accordingly. Now we are in the middle of a divorce he wanted but I am grateful because it is the best thing for me!
The trash takes itself out, I always say.
He wanted to discard you first….narcs hate to lose
That is exactly what happened to me. He “apologized” and promises to change, but “he needed my help, as he couldn’t do it without me”. A week later he started a very strong gaslighting campaign against my new and quite uncomfortable boundaries. It was actually amusing, as I clearly recognized most of the techniques and showed him that with a annoyingly kind smile with a settled comment - “oh, so this is how you do the trick”, “what you’re doing right now is triangulation/gaslighting/mirroring etc. He was so frustrated, but beachside he is this “new person”, he wasn’t able to do the regular silent treatment and “punishment mode”. However, a few hours after he left home, I was still paralyzed, not able to react adequately, so exhausted and poisoned, that I wasn’t able to drive. Seriously, this is a sick, sick game that is really not worth. They don’t change. Thanks for tour work doctor Ramani !
Hi. I hear you. Mine did same. Hated my boundaries when took him back as was control to him. I got anxiety and feel it still now. I asked God to confirm and saw the words web cobweb as confirmation... stick in his web
"I can change" song South Park Movie 1999
All of this
Hysterical! Thanks for making me laugh!
I know I've been a dirty little bastard....epic comment!
They promise change to get what they want right now. They never change permanently
I’ve spoken with my girlfriend numerous times about her constantly making issues from thin air and then when confronted she gets mad for even asking her to change and ignores the issue entirely. It feels like talking to a wall. She says I don’t listen and that I’m the source of our problems when I’m the only one trying to solve them?!
It feels like someone is constantly slapping you and the moment you ask them to stop, they get mad at you for even asking. I should just give up and leave.
I asked my Ex if she might consider being nice...she said, "You want me to change who I am!" As if I was making an extreme ask. I never knew that there are people in this world who wake up in the morning committed to being cruel and callous to the needs and concerns of others.
UN-BE-LIEVABLE!
Excellent example/illustration, slapping and then asking why you are asking. They truly don’t get it and in my experience of 18 years with 1 narcissist, they never will. Move on!!
Yes, you should. Or accept that this is as good as it will ever get.
I'm so sorry. It hurts when someone you love only uses communication to manipulate and rage. It's becomes a constant mantra- if we could just communicate. And then you blame yourself. Another part of being stuck in a narcissist cycle. HURTS
This was my best friend. After ten years of walking on eggshells, which began when we were roommates as strangers her control, manipulation, and possessiveness took over all my time almost immediately. She was just like my narc father...only I was not aware of any of these things 15 years ago. I had to last till the 2 year lease ended. She was so dynamic...love bombed all then flipped to victim hood...then rage... so when in separate cities I thought I could manage her. When I set a slight.....and I mean slight, boundary against an outrageous demand....she sent the most virtriolic email...and mailed to me all the gifts I had given her!!!! Then months later her husband sent me an email to see if I wanted "to mend the relationship"! No acknowledgement let alone apology! He was also a narc I believe. Within the next few years I'd get an email...always from him and condescending... and they showed up to my home to confront me...FIVE YEARS LATER!!! Fortunately I had just moved and changed my number! Lol. Sadly though...I had kept my curtains drawn every weekend those 5 years knowing they would someday ambush me. What a waste.
After their tenth anniversary he emailed me to say she had abandoned him and kids and wanted to see me. I did NOT reply. Of note...she left them at Christmas..and was married again in a year. Her second child came just after they showed up at my old place. They were both looking for supply. Poor kids.
My point.....you must leave. I was shocked that when she did that the biggest emotion was.... relief! Anger...you bet....but huge relief. Good luck and I'm very sorry you're going through this. It's being held hostage. Trust me...you will miss her and think of her a lot, but possibly not even close to the amount of calm and security you find ; and peace. 🐦🌈
I bought this line for years. When she was caught red handed she would cry and beg me to help her 'change' which I could never bring myself to not agree to do only for some time to pass and then for her to do the same thing all over again.
I broke up with him and then he said he became aware of all his toxic behavior, literally telling me everything I’ve ever wanted to hear from him. I still struggle with staying away from him.
Lisa trust me on this, block him on every platform and focus on your healing. He will destroy you if you ever go back, you will get over him in the end and then you can be free and happy. Be strong 👊
It makes him look even worse, because
Remember all the times you've said that his behaviour is being toxic. And what was his reaction? It's usually demeaning gaslighting. And NOW he is aware and can remember every flaw that he's had?! Doesn't it mean that he good knew from the start that he was acting off? And then? What he did then?? Oh, when called out, while knowing to be wrong, he did everything he possibly could to make you feel even worse!!! And NOW he acknowledges it! It's been a while since you've told him to change his behaviour. And how he was behaving before saying to you that you were completely right?
Or if you did not call him out and he "found it out by himself" it just means that he knew that he was doing wrong things to you right from the start. And then he ignored your pain.
How someone like this could possibly change?!
Stay away pls, he will become worse if you go back
Girl, same
That's what mine did to me he returned declaring "He's changed" , but I didn't fall for it. I nearly fell for the manipulation and then I self reflected and realised it was simply another manipulative tactic. I blocked him everywhere and he can't contact me.
They change as they plan their revenge. Then...BAM! Because they need to win!
My mother never promised to change. She was incapable of accepting that she was hurting me. Excerpt, when she was drunk and we were alone. She would break down in tears (not something my mother does) and start talking Inna very self deprecating way: "Well I'm sorry I'm the "a" hole I'm a "c word" of a human being" " it's my fault." All through tears, so much so that before I finally went no contact, I would fall into this pattern or position of soothing her. "you're not a bad person" "you're not an "a" hole."
Her tears would stop. And then by the next day the night before was forgetting, but her behaviour would be a little "sucky upy", for maybe a week. And then things slowly went back to the way they were.
It took me a long time to realise that that was emotional manipulation. And I kept falling for it, for years. But not anymore. I know now I deserve better. She may have given birth to me, but she is not the one who raised me. I raised myself. And for a long time I did a terrible job at it. Very maladaptive coping mechanisms were employed. But then I became aware of these, too, and have been working on them in therapy. And I haven't looked back, and honestly, it was the best decision I could have made for my health.
Unfortunately I hat to cut my hyper-religious grandmother (mum's mum) off, too. Why? "She had you young and didn't know may better" "she lives you she just doesn't know how to show it" "you hurting yourself is hurting her and it's not fair for her" "stop saying bad things about her and crucifying her she's my daughter." "If you don't forgive her God won't forgive you, the Bible says so." "She just didn't know how to handle you being gay."
I was silenced for the last time by my grandmother last year. I refused to shut my mouth about my experiences and trauma to protect an image that my mother had so skillfully managed to create for everyone else. I call it a defensive and offensive telepathic superpower where they change reality for everyone so that they are the victim, you are the problem, and change reality for you so that you second guess and wonder if they're right.
But I'm woke now. No more.
QueervervescentBenjiJames Good for you. Stay strong and stay away. After the way she abused you, you don't owe her anything! Good luck on your journey.
@@andreavanda4722 thank you xx
Q, the spin cycle of an alcoholic. Drink, guilt, shame, drink. I once read all alcoholics are narcissistic but not all narcissists are alcoholics. YOU, go live a good life. 💪🏼💐
I honor your ability to be self-aware and to continue healing and focusing on improving yourself.
I too essentially had to raise myself as my childhood was robbed of me. The only way to keep my sanity was to keep track of what everyone said and did so that I couldn't be gaslighted, and also to be very sure that what I said was true.
I still deal with both of my parents (ages 88 and 86) never fully accepting me, they never stopped believing being gay is just a lifestyle choice. But their minds are old and no longer flexible, so their changing is not an option, especially on top of the onset of dementia for both of them.
You must not be hard on yourself for your past, you continued to learn and you broke through the barrier between immaturity and adult self-accountability. I am so proud of you. You did so incredibly good.🤗
Be kind to yourself now and always through your continued healing in life. 👍☺❤ I hope to see you leaving more comments in the future, telling others of your progress. Take care.
@@danielkaiser8971 thank you. Thank you all, actually, for your words of encouragement. I didn't have a childhood, I didn't have an adolescence, and I was robbed if the first half of my 20's but not by my mother, by a manipulative christian cult that took advantage of my vulnerability. Firing me back into the closet and making me once again ashamed of my feelings and attractions towards men. It's only been in the last couple of years (27-30, current) that I've finally been able to accept myself and express myself free from persecution. J still struggle with internalized homophobia from time to time, but healing is a journey, a journey I'm grateful for. Up until my mid 20's, I was seduced and/or manipulated by family or religious groups to suppress and reject an essential part of my personal humanity. It's not been a long time for me to have been free to just he me and accept myself. I now have friends who love me just the way I am (something my Narcissist mother would say made people "stupid" for doing - accepting an effeminately gay man just as they are) and a living partner. We are actually about to move in together and I couldn't he more thrilled at what my life currently looks like, and sometimes I'm still taken aback by the stark juxtaposition of life as me now verses life as me back then, uo until my mid 20's. And I only just turned 30. Been living for myself and nobody else for only a few years. Most liberating feeling.
I cannot believe all the problems you listed that the narc will promise to change is EXACTLY what I’ve gone through. This hit the nail on the freaking head! My goodness!!
Mine never promised to change either. He thought he was always right even when I caught him in a lie....I was always the one who had to change
I asked my Ex if she might consider being nice...she said, "You want me to change who I am!" As if I was making an extreme ask. I never knew that there are people in this world who wake up in the morning committed to being cruel and callous to the needs and concerns of others.
UN-BE-LIEVABLE!
As soon as they sense that "things are okay" the boomerang right back to same old same old. EVERY TIME. My whole life is evidence of this. Just run. Do not pass go. Seriously. Don't even think about another moment.
Exactly my story ... the only thing that can help is you putting boundaries, being honest with yourself and being brave enough to face the truth. For me it took 7 years to realise it. Evertime I felt that Ive had enouhh and was clear on walking away he would promise stuff and gaslight in order to make me feel that it was all my fault and that he was the victim who had to "change" for me...i broke all contact. His reaction to this was to call me things, and said that It was ashame that I reacted like that....such an a**.
“Being brave enough to face the truth” is a huge one. Thanks for the wise words and congrats for getting free of the BS.
The change lasts anywhere from a couple of weeks to months then reverts back to the same old pattern from memory...
“I’ll do whatever you want. We can have family therapy. I’ll pay. Please just tell me what I have done to make you so angry with me. The emotional exclusion is unbearable. I love you and would die for you. This will the last thing I ever ask of you.” The response to inserting a boundary after decades of drama and me finally saying ENOUGH. Interestingly, it wasn’t the last thing ever asked of me and the behavior simply escalated 😜 In a world when we truly want to see the gold in others, it sucks to have to treat narcs with such suspicion and doubt and mistrust. But it is unavoidable, if you want to take your life back.
You’re right, it definitely takes going against the instinct to “see the gold in others” to get to the other side of the manipulation. You’ve worded this really well. Maybe we need to flip the script and focus on the gold within ourselves, and who is worth having it.
80islandia Absolutely!
The best thing of these comments is knowing your not alone. Thank you for sharing, that could have been me writing that!
I took my narcissist to therapy and one hour later, it was like we were never there. Well, that didn't last long and did not help. And yep. I gave up. The only thing that changed is that I realized that this person will never change and woke up to the fact that they are indeed narcissistic. Pat on the back to me. Withstanding hoovering is probably the hardest thing to get through as an empath.
This couldn't be more timely. The promises were just made this week and as much as I love this person, I know that I'm agreeing to "make it work" against my gut feeling.
It happened to me! And I believed him over and over and over again. UNTIL I divorced him and chose to not believe him anymore. It was ME who finally changed.
Needed to watch this again. I’m going through a separation and these videos are everything to me because even though my family is here for me, they write off my emotionally abusive relationship as every relationship and that said that I’m going to keep having this issue and I’m running away. They’re siding with my husband because I have a stable life with him and they think I’m burdening the family if I separate with him.
I asked my family for comfort in my time of grief and my mom cried FOR my husband . My brother in laws are on his side obviously and both my sisters think that these are normal relationship patterns because they’re also in dysfunctional relationships, and one is narcissistic herself.
How in every episode does she talk about my own relationship. Makes me so sad but then enlightened at the same time.
My wife literally told me, “I’ll stop acting this way when we get engaged/get married/have a baby.” And I bought it all. However, there is nothing that will change a behavior that benefits them! When you hear that phrase, run, people!
Dr. Ramani looks gorgeous! On the topic of narcissists and their promises to change, my experience was that they changed just enough for me to stay. And, as soon as they got the sense that I was in the trenches for the long war, they regressed to the behaviors that hurt. And, the worst of it, on this second or third chance they were more practiced at manipulating me and had become more thorough about undermining my self-esteem. One day, after taking one of my narcissist exes back, I went to work in Miami wearing winter wool pants and a flimsy designer shirt I borrowed from his closet because, instead of going home after visiting a friend during Chicago's winter, I drove directly to my narcissist's home, as I promised him. I didn't have clothing appropriate for Miami's sub-tropical client because I had not been home for a week, at his insistence. I know it seems vain, but it was so hard to be at work feeling thrown together like a scarecrow, and he STILL found multiple reasons to fight with me, but peppered them with expensive meals out. It was so exhausting, and I felt so humiliated and tired by the end of it all. Be happy that they have "changed", for themselves, and move on. Learn from me! I have more stories, far more painful than this, but a comment can only be so long. Please trust me and GO!