Hi Dr Z, for me this dial represents the compromise of my transition. There are areas I concede to the environment around me. Yes, I am guilty of putting others comfort level before my desire to turn that dial up more. I'm on hrt, work at Sephora, and socially transitioned for the most part. I don't turn up the volume, I exist quietly. My dial takes two hands to turn, I'm working on it. Peace Sheila
I'm transmasc and when I came out, I started trying to pass as male, and dressing very masculine. I was too scared to really express myself anymore because I was afraid to rock the boat, and not being understood. I wanted to have strangers gender me with he/him pronouns without having to advocate for myself. 5 months into transition and it felt horrible so I started dressing however I wanted. I realized, if I keep hiding, nothing is ever going to change in the world and nobody is ever going to learn that there are different looking people in the world, and the cover doesn't always match the person within. I'm not expecting everything to change because of my visibility, but I know I can make an impact in my neighborhood, and it's important to start making those waves.
I was like "I'm not toying with the dial." Until I realized... my voice... I'm having a hard time practicing my voice because of others around me (even my manager who is fully supportive and I've been spending 10 hour days with her in the truck as I train for my new job).
Years ago, before I knew I was trans, my vocal coach said to me: "Issy, you are not everybody's cup of tea. Not everyone will love you. But that's okay. Because when you are unapologetically you, then there are enough people out there, who love you." I think he was tapping into the same thing like you do, Dr. Z. The more authentic we can be, the better. My style always felt like a big fuck you towards people, who wanted to put me in a box to be quiet. And now that I know authentic self more and more, it becomes easier to be myself.
When I came out as a Transwoman, I dressed and tried to behave like I thought society is expecting a woman to be. I started wearing makeup and even went to voice training. However, I didn't feel authentic, thus I stopped going to voice training and wearing makeup. A few years after transitioning, I even left my job at the university to follow my passion and started a construction business. Now, you see me most of the time in my work clothes (i.e. jeans and t-shirt/sweat shirt), but people still see me as woman, because I am my authentic self now and confident in my body. So, I dialed down the button to please myself!
I am so greatful I found you when I have. these videos have been helping me so much! I recognized that I'm NB just a few month back. and have not figued out my path forward as I am in my 40's mid career and look mostly like Santa Claus. Thanks Dr. Z. for the encouragment to move on things when I feel I am ready, and to not give my power of timing away to others. I'm sure you hear all the time but these videos have been a great help.
Hi Dr Z I just want to say I love the work you do watching your videos & listening to what you say makes sense. I’m a 55 year old male who likes crossdressing I’ve be like this for a long time. I was about 7or 8 when my sisters decided to put a bridesmaid dress on me. At the time they didn’t know I felt good in that dress . As years went on the older I got I found myself dressing up in their dresses skirts blouses . At the age of 23 I got married I was dressing up in my wife’s clothes I’ve been married 32 years & my wife & family still don’t know I like to dress up . I play down my life just to fit in with others and please others you could say the I’m turning down the dial . I get very depressed because I want to dress up but I can’t because they don’t know & I’m to scared to say anything . I hope one day I can be who I want to be or do what I want to do but don’t know how to.
I don't think my dial ever really worked! The people who were closest to me in my life, I just told them what was going to happen, with full awareness that they may choose to reject me. Neither of them did. (My wife and daughter I'm talking about now - actually it also helped my daughter to realise that it's OK to be gender non-conforming and she sports a lovely short hairstyle now). I am so confident now - the only time I really care about what people think is if they get in my way. That rarely happens - however I did have one instance recently where I was asked to use the disabled toilets rather than the ladies, and that really broke me - I felt like I do not belong in society. I'm seeking legal redress for that incident as it did break the law. But I figure one time in four years is a lot less than many people have had to put up with - in some countries I would be locked up, or worse, but I'm not doing anything wrong. Expressing the way I want to express is such a liberating experience!
You should have used the Women's restroom and told whoever it concerned, to call the authorities if they so desired... of which, they cannot stop you... the law is on your side. In Canada, it is illegal to deny a Transgender person from using the washroom that reflects their gender identity... I've just recently started to use the Women's washroom. It's not a big deal... 💕
@@Genevieve111 It was in Scotland and it's civil law that applies - I don't think it's a matter for the police there, and police are somewhat variable in their support for trans people; sometimes they make the wrong decisions. It also happened to be a friend's wedding evening do so creating a scene really wasn't what I was looking to do. Thanks though! Canada is one of the safest countries for us and I might consider emigrating to a friendlier place at some point, though that would mean leaving my friends behind.
@@robynroxI hear you... in some situations it's best not to rock the boat... It's sad that sometimes we loose the ones we love over the course of our Journey... 😓
Unfortunately I play with my Dial all the time, and I do it because of social anxiety. I will go through highs of knowing how gorgeous I am, convinced I am passing (matters to me), will be wearing makeup, hair done, full fem clothing. But then I will have a week of just sweatpants and sweaters, no makeup and plain hair. Even as my gender assigned at birth, I had huge social anxiety that I was able to come to terms with, but only enough to function. I'm super super happy with my transition and have found the path to loving myself long before I started, but I found that the struggle to go out in public and be seen and perceived is back. I get hit on in public, I get tons of positive feedback, experienced zero transphobia. Yet, the social anxiety is still there heavily. Which is highly, highly unfortunate because it's putting a big damper on my progress. Using my voice in public and expressing my actual style through clothing and makeup are things I really need to get going on in earnest, but it's hard. Even when I am fully in love with myself, I know I pass and I feel gorgeous/confident, I stilllll struggle to go out. I clearly struggled with it before, and adding the transition to it, no matter how well the transition itself is going - just added to the anxieties lol. Not really concerned with how others feel about it, more concerned about how I am perceived really. Even that is mostly due to my voice. Anyways, thanks for reading this rant.
I'm happy that you feel confident with yourself I have social anxiety too, since I was I moved out of my school at 7 years old, people were really mean to me in regard to my gender expression when I talk so since to that day I have an immense social anxiety even about expressing my pronouns or name at work because I don't feel safe and I don't wanna be made fun of. I hope I'll be able to stop tuning with the dial. As of for you I think you need time to heal from your social anxiety, it gets better as you might have guessed and I think that it will get better, because you are doing efforts. I'm a lot less anxious than I was as a kid so it gets better as long as you keep being yourself.
I feel like I’m holding myself back due to fear of losing my twin boys. They love “papa” and don’t care what I wear. My wife, however, is narrow minded, low information, not the least bit curious, and a bit of a short temper. Being Japanese, she cares more about how random people perceive us than how we could love each other. Her definition of “love” is supposedly “self sacrifice,” but that only applies to our toddler twins.
I'm so sorry for your situation... and your wife's stance... 💔 Just Googled Japanese xdressing and Transgender Woman... seems that xdressing is widely accepted, while being Trangender is not. Interesting... Also, the article that I read said that a Transgender person is not recognized as such unless they have gender affirming surgery... 🤔
@@Genevieve111 Japan is the only country (I'm aware of) that has a few strange rules around getting affirming care. In addition to being legally an adult, you must not be married and not have kids. To which I find absurd. Fortunately, there is a loophole around that if you are an American. You can easily change the gender on your passport and all your insurance coverage must recognize you has your chosen gender. This also enables you to get hormone treatments. But it is limiting Japanese citizens from doing this if married and especially with kids. stonewalljapan.org//wp-content/uploads/2018/02/Updated-Trans-Guide.pdf
@@DrayseSchneider As an American in Japan, I have less rights than she does. The best I can hope for is that my boys will love papa and demand to see papa.
I'm 5.5 months into MTF HRT, out to my immediate family but closeted to the rest of the world. I'm focusing on my mental health while waiting for estrogen and progesterone to fix my face and hair: my hair is coming back remarkably fast but my face is basically unchanged. I know it's early days and i have all the time in the world. In private I've been experimenting with womenswear and I'm probably going to start learning makeup next month. I also have a surgical consult for an orchiectomy in a few weeks.
Well, I definitely love your style! I am a big fan of who I am becoming, I have more interested learning more about this version of me, than the old me. Yes I have played with that dial, but I have worked very hard to move my chess pieces around to get myself in a position where I can finally say enough! Tomorrow is the when I move into my own home, and I will finally be free to be my true self, without living with negativity. I have spent the better part of 2023, doing the same at work and socially. and I can't wait for that moment when the real me is able to exist, without being forced to feel guilty. this is me finally being able to cross over the bridge. for all those who are supportive and who are willing to cross that bridge with me I thank you and say "sure, the more the merrier!". but, all those who want me to dial it back to suit their needs can all stay, there's no need for them to cross that bridge, so expect to be left behind!
Omg, the frequency analogy makes so much sense. Part of why I feel so much anguish is that my brain knows it wants to be at a higher frequency, like many miles higher than where I'm at. Like I could just about explode. As a child my frequency was way higher than the rest of my family which caused me to lower it, and then when I couldnt explore myself around the puberty age due to being in a shut down state / wrong gender it basically made me stuck in life. My frequency has gone up maybe 50% since high school, but it feels like I could go up 500% from here. It really is that significant for me. Its killing me inside. Imagining living my life at that frequency feels like pure bliss, it feels like I could start dating and being the person I want to be in the world.
I have DEFINITELY used the dial at work. Thank you, Dr. Z! "Centuries?" Dr. Z, is there something you want to tell us? You are immortal, aren't you?! 🤣😂 Seriously though, thank you for your videos!
Although it is true that "dialing down" you give power to others and keeps you stuck, we don't live in a vacuum. Oftentimes, there are also economic and emocional concerns behind the decission of dialing down. Take care and be safe un all aspects of your life 8:10
I do love it when she says such funny things at times like people don't like her cos she is too intense,it's the way she says it! Ha ha.😊 This is a really great and touching video and as I know I have said before, she really should write a book for everyone regardless. I wish I had heard her many insightful and wise things she says when growing up.
I'm definitely doing this at work. My clothes are less feminine then I wear outside, I have way less makeup on, and I'm going by my last name because it's gender neutral. I'm doing it all to try to avoid conflict.
Dr. Z, so you did it again. Speaking out about what's hoIding me back from myself. I tend to dial it all the way up at work while toning it down with neighbors and family. My perceived guilt is off the scale, it's really really hard. BUT I KNOW that I'm so much more in touch with myself when I live without thinking too much about what others might think... Thank you Dr. Z ❤ I'm so glad I found your channel 😊
Hi Dr Z, I totally tend to do this at work, I have just put off telling my managers, although I've told many of my coworkers. I keep telling myself a narrative that I just need to wait until I pass more before I should officially come out. I also feel like my most common part of this dial problem is that I don't correct pronouns and/or name. This is a whole other issue in regards to my parents because I've settled into this place that because I'm financially dependent (college) I shouldn't change my name. I don't know what to do about this situation besides wait ~3 years before I change my name once I'm financially independent.
I think giving people "time to get comfortable" can be useful if and only if (yes I'm implying that the converse is true if the original statement is true) you set specific hard time frames. So you could, for example, tell your coworkers, assuming one is a trans woman or non binary femme, I'll be wearing a skirt to work on (insert specific date here) and then show up as announced on that date. So not "dialing down" but giving people some time to get used to an idea about yourself as long as you follow through and be authentic. Just thinking "out loud" as it were.
Yes I think its fine to do that. The message here is not about disregarding others but to remember your own boundaries and not constantly work at pleasing others.
I actual dialed down when I first transitioned I was trying to fit in it wasn't until a I mention to a co-worker that I was going to wear a dress and she told me I should wait a while. I went home and thought about it and became kinda pissed off and two days later I was wearing a dress. It was that point I stopped listening to advice from people who worry about me doing too much too soon. The funny thing is other female co-workers loved the fact I was wearing a dress and most told me how nice I looked. What is sad is she has a trans male son so while I thought she would understand I came to the conclusion that while she was trying to protect me she was also limiting my ability to be myself. This school year I'm more accepted and they just see me as another woman at work who has a deep voice. They include me in everything now from fashion to boob sweat. I can say this being your self is much better than holding yourself back trying to please others. Another great video Dr Z
This is so helpful. Thank you. I recently (like less than a week ago) came out publically as non-binary. I struggled to discover my gender and have been scared to express it because I am part of a family that has for generations denied AFAB people, including me, basic personhood and bodily autonomy using numerous forms of violence and abuse. But between deaths and the right family cut-offs, it's gotten safe enough (if not easy) for me to live out my authentic gender. I'm still pushing through fear of expressing my gender through clothes, etc., though, and your video provides a useful way of reframing that. Thank you!
I was raised with the mantra of "God, Family, Others, Self" as the hierarchy of priorities in life. I have never been able to shake that internalized belief that I am the least important in the equation, and that other people's feeling and comfort are always more important than my selfish desires.
I spent 4 years doing this exact thing to the extreme, trying to make things work. The only thing I stayed true with was my HRT. I never missed a required dose. Honestly, I was doing it to a lesser extent, basically since I was 16. So, over 20 years of putting on different faces for different people.
@DRZPHD don't be we live and learn. Still trying to find my way wife hates me, court hates me kids adore me. Major tech job apx 80% know 20% in the dark
Reminds me of the saying, "I can only please one person a day. Today is not your day and tomorrow isn't looking good either." At some point you need to start living for yourself, not to please others. At the end of the day, transition is for your own sake.
I liked this message very much. I quit playing with the remote when I finally realized that I had to be honest with people, otherwise all relations were not authentic. I was just pretending to be someone that I wasn't, and at some point they were going to realize it anyway.
Wow...this is good. I haven't had to play with the dial button in years, but that changed recently whem i had to return to my hometown after 20 years away. That said I am now turning the dial button back in favour of myself. The reason for that is that each i dial back i cause harm to myself and builds over time. In vusual think of filling a glass with water, except that the water in this case is trauma and if you keep filling the glass, overflow eventually happens.....a makes a mess.
Thank you, Dr. Z, for this session that is so relevant to me. You are inspirational. You encourage me to be self-confident, regardless of what others may think. To be courageous. Thank you.
Oh my gosh Dr. Z! I feel like you just slapped me! I don't play with the dial, I hit it with a hammer a few years ago 😊😢. I also use humor when I'm uncomfortable. Seriously though, I've been all over the place with everything for years (I'm 55 now, m2f). Started hormones and blockers 4 years ago, off and on, up and down since. I think I live in a state of full time puberty. I'm just realizing now, this month or 3, that my understanding of dysphoria was wrong. Specifically I've realized how my personality, strong but feminine approaching, along with my masculine appearance, has led me to not meet expectations in a male dominated field of the corporate world. I defaulted into it for family and finances. I left the field and am going into peer recovery and behavioral health. I'm also a part time home health aide. The position that I expect to get is 100% behind me as a transgender woman tho. 😊 Things are coming together, but my situation got very bad. I'm really happy that my kids still talk to me. But they struggle, I know. So yes, I do swing the dial, I feel I've had to for survival. Transgender people that make it through the fire and thrive deserve nothing but everyones utmost respect, acceptance, and love. 100%. All my love, Steph
this is an interesting concept. at first i didnt think i had a dial, but then i thought about it and i actually do.. its not a dial of how much im being myself though, but instead its a sort of tolerance meter. i already realized that some people wont bend no matter what so being myself more or less wont matter. the dial i end up using is more interaction based. when i encounter these people that just hate me for breathing i tend to dial it down to shutting myself off from the world to ignore them. now this poses an interesting question because this obviously isnt a behavior that anyone should have to do, but how do you overcome it if nothing will change their perception and you cant avoid them because of something like your work environment?
Love the video, love the look, love Dr Z! This conversation made me uncomfortable, which means it hit close to home. Your direct manner is the secret sauce for being on point. Always. I (we) have to become comfortable being uncomfortable to undo the years of denial, people pleasing etc.. This subject has so many layers that it will require more than 1 viewing to really digest, and allow me to face my many insecurities. ❤🏅🏳️⚧️🇨🇦
My dial is delaying my transition because of not wanting to conflict with my father. We just started communicating with each other and I'm resisting transitioning because I'm afraid of losing the relationship we just got back.
In public its not that I care what others think, its the horror of being ridculed or abused. As I was abused as a child. I Understand that (recovering codependent here). How does one deal with that being in the way? I try to take small steps and dress as I want anyway. Any tips would be aprreciated.
I do have a question now after some reflection on this. How does one differentiate between turning the dial and sometimes just feeling fluid and / or just in a mood to not want to put in the energy to glam up and show up? #sweats
Avoiding confrontation all your life turns you into a person who gets nothing out of life. Going day to day analyzing the possible effects of everything you may want to do becomes a second job. We avoid the percieved bad effects and wind up doing nothing. Not everything is full bad consequences. Dip your finger or toe into what you are afraid holds trouble for you. If you ask a person what they think of trans people and they say they hate them thats their opinion not yours.
"When you toy with the dial you're doing two things. One, you're giving a lot of power to others, and two, you're keeping yourself stuck." Respectfully... I disagree at least in part with the advice given in this video. Whether or not we _want_ to give others power, it is an undeniable fact that for quite a few people here in the transgender community, there are many entities who have power over us. We face higher unemployment rates, we face relationships ending and in many cases ending in unfair power dynamics (e.g. children being withheld, exorbitant alimony payments, etc.), we face families who cut us off from support when we need it the most. Yes it is harmful to us if we have to dial ourselves back, but many of us have found that it is a necessity in order to live in the society that _we had no say in creating in the first place._. In a perfect society I would agree with this advice, that we should be able and willing to keep our dials tuned to exactly who we are. I'd liken it to a radio... if we find a station we like why would we want to turn the dial anywhere else? Why would we want to either introduce static or worse, dance to a song that we don't like? The way I would reconcile this advice is that -- if the dial is played with, then there should be very clear and open communication with the person(s) who is (are) requesting us to play with the dial. If it is necessary in the power dynamics of life that we modulate ourselves, then we should be clear that we are modulating ourselves and to find out what is needed in order to regain the power we need to change the dial to where we would like to be. If it's time... a new job... the end of a relationship... or just the other party working through their own crap. Bringing back the analogy of the radio, imagine that you're the driver in your own car. Some of us are riding alone, but many of us are riding with passengers... relationships whether family, friends, or work. If you tune your radio to your preferred music but the people behind are not happy... no, they're not controlling the car directly but there are definitely things they can do to make driving difficult... or even dangerous. At that point a conversation must be had between the driver and whatever passengers are the problem. And if absolutely necessary, the driver can figure out whether or not the passengers are worth driving... and once the driver can finally reconcile their car load, they are free to be static-less and groove to the music of their choice.
The only issue I have with what is said here is that a lot of people are in situations they chose knowing they were trans and still hid that fact and now want to transition but experience no consequences or judgement for doing so. That's not reality and no one has to accept us for who we are when we hid who we are from them in the first place. Trans people should not be neglected, discriminated against or treated hatefully. At the same time if you married a man or a woman as the opposite sex and then ten years and three kids later say okay now you have to accept me as the person I really am, well, no, they don't. Maybe your kids will because it doesn't affect them like it does a spouse. But a spouse has as much right to their authentic self as we do ours. So if their authentic self wanted a masculine husband and thought that's what she had until he revealed he was actually she then there are consequences that go along with that decision. Or you work in ,say, welding and there are certain clothes you have to wear for safety but now you don't want to wear those clothes because they don't suit your newly revealed identity. So you want the company to not only find you a new position but at the same pay even though they hired a welder to pay welder wages. That's not reality. Where I work our company is contracted to provide rehabilitation services to the elderly. While my company could not legally fire me for wearing a skirt to work the facility we contract with could ask our company to replace me because of resident complaints and if there were no positions available in a facility that would accept me then I would be out of work. After all, I can't ask the company to fire someone in a more conducive out patient clinic so I can work there instead. And I understand what the overall premise of the video was but I see a lot of folks in the trans and trans advocate community shirking responsibility and saying that everyone in every situation should just accept us and adjust their lives to suit us while saying we shouldn't have to do the same. I despise hypocrisy as much as I do bigotry and we are creating a lot of hypocrites in our own ranks so that we don't have to feel the pain of our decisions.
It did not work with me either, but at least I tried like any tempted child, was it worth it? Hell yes! Do you want to know why? Because I tried to reach 911 but I could not find the 11 button 😂
Hi Dr Z, for me this dial represents the compromise of my transition. There are areas I concede to the environment around me. Yes, I am guilty of putting others comfort level before my desire to turn that dial up more. I'm on hrt, work at Sephora, and socially transitioned for the most part. I don't turn up the volume, I exist quietly. My dial takes two hands to turn, I'm working on it. Peace Sheila
Totally hear you and each has to adopt to their context.
I'm transmasc and when I came out, I started trying to pass as male, and dressing very masculine. I was too scared to really express myself anymore because I was afraid to rock the boat, and not being understood. I wanted to have strangers gender me with he/him pronouns without having to advocate for myself. 5 months into transition and it felt horrible so I started dressing however I wanted. I realized, if I keep hiding, nothing is ever going to change in the world and nobody is ever going to learn that there are different looking people in the world, and the cover doesn't always match the person within. I'm not expecting everything to change because of my visibility, but I know I can make an impact in my neighborhood, and it's important to start making those waves.
I was like "I'm not toying with the dial." Until I realized... my voice... I'm having a hard time practicing my voice because of others around me (even my manager who is fully supportive and I've been spending 10 hour days with her in the truck as I train for my new job).
Years ago, before I knew I was trans, my vocal coach said to me: "Issy, you are not everybody's cup of tea. Not everyone will love you. But that's okay. Because when you are unapologetically you, then there are enough people out there, who love you." I think he was tapping into the same thing like you do, Dr. Z. The more authentic we can be, the better. My style always felt like a big fuck you towards people, who wanted to put me in a box to be quiet. And now that I know authentic self more and more, it becomes easier to be myself.
When I came out as a Transwoman, I dressed and tried to behave like I thought society is expecting a woman to be. I started wearing makeup and even went to voice training. However, I didn't feel authentic, thus I stopped going to voice training and wearing makeup. A few years after transitioning, I even left my job at the university to follow my passion and started a construction business. Now, you see me most of the time in my work clothes (i.e. jeans and t-shirt/sweat shirt), but people still see me as woman, because I am my authentic self now and confident in my body. So, I dialed down the button to please myself!
Keep it up, and I'm gonna run out of excuses ❤
I am so greatful I found you when I have. these videos have been helping me so much! I recognized that I'm NB just a few month back. and have not figued out my path forward as I am in my 40's mid career and look mostly like Santa Claus. Thanks Dr. Z. for the encouragment to move on things when I feel I am ready, and to not give my power of timing away to others. I'm sure you hear all the time but these videos have been a great help.
Great video , I needed to hear this. i love red lipstick too , lol
Hi Dr Z I just want to say I love the work you do watching your videos & listening to what you say makes sense. I’m a 55 year old male who likes crossdressing I’ve be like this for a long time. I was about 7or 8 when my sisters decided to put a bridesmaid dress on me. At the time they didn’t know I felt good in that dress . As years went on the older I got I found myself dressing up in their dresses skirts blouses . At the age of 23 I got married I was dressing up in my wife’s clothes I’ve been married 32 years & my wife & family still don’t know I like to dress up . I play down my life just to fit in with others and please others you could say the I’m turning down the dial . I get very depressed because I want to dress up but I can’t because they don’t know & I’m to scared to say anything . I hope one day I can be who I want to be or do what I want to do but don’t know how to.
I don't think my dial ever really worked!
The people who were closest to me in my life, I just told them what was going to happen, with full awareness that they may choose to reject me. Neither of them did. (My wife and daughter I'm talking about now - actually it also helped my daughter to realise that it's OK to be gender non-conforming and she sports a lovely short hairstyle now).
I am so confident now - the only time I really care about what people think is if they get in my way. That rarely happens - however I did have one instance recently where I was asked to use the disabled toilets rather than the ladies, and that really broke me - I felt like I do not belong in society. I'm seeking legal redress for that incident as it did break the law. But I figure one time in four years is a lot less than many people have had to put up with - in some countries I would be locked up, or worse, but I'm not doing anything wrong.
Expressing the way I want to express is such a liberating experience!
You should have used the Women's restroom and told whoever it concerned, to call the authorities if they so desired... of which, they cannot stop you... the law is on your side.
In Canada, it is illegal to deny a Transgender person from using the washroom that reflects their gender identity... I've just recently started to use the Women's washroom. It's not a big deal... 💕
@@Genevieve111 It was in Scotland and it's civil law that applies - I don't think it's a matter for the police there, and police are somewhat variable in their support for trans people; sometimes they make the wrong decisions. It also happened to be a friend's wedding evening do so creating a scene really wasn't what I was looking to do. Thanks though!
Canada is one of the safest countries for us and I might consider emigrating to a friendlier place at some point, though that would mean leaving my friends behind.
@@robynroxI hear you... in some situations it's best not to rock the boat...
It's sad that sometimes we loose the ones we love over the course of our Journey... 😓
Thanks for sharing.
Unfortunately I play with my Dial all the time, and I do it because of social anxiety. I will go through highs of knowing how gorgeous I am, convinced I am passing (matters to me), will be wearing makeup, hair done, full fem clothing. But then I will have a week of just sweatpants and sweaters, no makeup and plain hair. Even as my gender assigned at birth, I had huge social anxiety that I was able to come to terms with, but only enough to function. I'm super super happy with my transition and have found the path to loving myself long before I started, but I found that the struggle to go out in public and be seen and perceived is back. I get hit on in public, I get tons of positive feedback, experienced zero transphobia. Yet, the social anxiety is still there heavily. Which is highly, highly unfortunate because it's putting a big damper on my progress. Using my voice in public and expressing my actual style through clothing and makeup are things I really need to get going on in earnest, but it's hard. Even when I am fully in love with myself, I know I pass and I feel gorgeous/confident, I stilllll struggle to go out. I clearly struggled with it before, and adding the transition to it, no matter how well the transition itself is going - just added to the anxieties lol. Not really concerned with how others feel about it, more concerned about how I am perceived really. Even that is mostly due to my voice. Anyways, thanks for reading this rant.
Thanks for sharing and sorry to hear of your struggles with social anxiety.
I'm happy that you feel confident with yourself I have social anxiety too, since I was I moved out of my school at 7 years old, people were really mean to me in regard to my gender expression when I talk so since to that day I have an immense social anxiety even about expressing my pronouns or name at work because I don't feel safe and I don't wanna be made fun of. I hope I'll be able to stop tuning with the dial. As of for you I think you need time to heal from your social anxiety, it gets better as you might have guessed and I think that it will get better, because you are doing efforts. I'm a lot less anxious than I was as a kid so it gets better as long as you keep being yourself.
I feel like I’m holding myself back due to fear of losing my twin boys. They love “papa” and don’t care what I wear. My wife, however, is narrow minded, low information, not the least bit curious, and a bit of a short temper.
Being Japanese, she cares more about how random people perceive us than how we could love each other. Her definition of “love” is supposedly “self sacrifice,” but that only applies to our toddler twins.
I'm sorry ❤
The fear of losing access to one's kids is very real and, personally I found, traumatizing. You have my sympathies. 💜
I'm so sorry for your situation... and your wife's stance... 💔
Just Googled Japanese xdressing and Transgender Woman... seems that xdressing is widely accepted, while being Trangender is not. Interesting...
Also, the article that I read said that a Transgender person is not recognized as such unless they have gender affirming surgery... 🤔
@@Genevieve111
Japan is the only country (I'm aware of) that has a few strange rules around getting affirming care. In addition to being legally an adult, you must not be married and not have kids. To which I find absurd. Fortunately, there is a loophole around that if you are an American. You can easily change the gender on your passport and all your insurance coverage must recognize you has your chosen gender. This also enables you to get hormone treatments. But it is limiting Japanese citizens from doing this if married and especially with kids.
stonewalljapan.org//wp-content/uploads/2018/02/Updated-Trans-Guide.pdf
@@DrayseSchneider
As an American in Japan, I have less rights than she does. The best I can hope for is that my boys will love papa and demand to see papa.
I'm 5.5 months into MTF HRT, out to my immediate family but closeted to the rest of the world. I'm focusing on my mental health while waiting for estrogen and progesterone to fix my face and hair: my hair is coming back remarkably fast but my face is basically unchanged. I know it's early days and i have all the time in the world. In private I've been experimenting with womenswear and I'm probably going to start learning makeup next month. I also have a surgical consult for an orchiectomy in a few weeks.
Wish you all the best.
I love the background decor. The dial is a great analogy, but also equally true. Dial feels like it’s stuck at 5 mph sometimes
Well, I definitely love your style!
I am a big fan of who I am becoming, I have more interested learning more about this version of me, than the old me. Yes I have played with that dial, but I have worked very hard to move my chess pieces around to get myself in a position where I can finally say enough!
Tomorrow is the when I move into my own home, and I will finally be free to be my true self, without living with negativity. I have spent the better part of 2023, doing the same at work and socially. and I can't wait for that moment when the real me is able to exist, without being forced to feel guilty.
this is me finally being able to cross over the bridge. for all those who are supportive and who are willing to cross that bridge with me I thank you and say "sure, the more the merrier!". but, all those who want me to dial it back to suit their needs can all stay, there's no need for them to cross that bridge, so expect to be left behind!
Wish you all the best.
Omg, the frequency analogy makes so much sense. Part of why I feel so much anguish is that my brain knows it wants to be at a higher frequency, like many miles higher than where I'm at. Like I could just about explode. As a child my frequency was way higher than the rest of my family which caused me to lower it, and then when I couldnt explore myself around the puberty age due to being in a shut down state / wrong gender it basically made me stuck in life. My frequency has gone up maybe 50% since high school, but it feels like I could go up 500% from here. It really is that significant for me. Its killing me inside.
Imagining living my life at that frequency feels like pure bliss, it feels like I could start dating and being the person I want to be in the world.
I have DEFINITELY used the dial at work. Thank you, Dr. Z!
"Centuries?" Dr. Z, is there something you want to tell us? You are immortal, aren't you?! 🤣😂
Seriously though, thank you for your videos!
Hahahah we are all immortal in some way.
Although it is true that "dialing down" you give power to others and keeps you stuck, we don't live in a vacuum. Oftentimes, there are also economic and emocional concerns behind the decission of dialing down. Take care and be safe un all aspects of your life 8:10
I been hitting the button for along time i dont know how to live but the voices in my head dont go away never talk to anyone for it
I do love it when she says such funny things at times like people don't like her cos she is too intense,it's the way she says it! Ha ha.😊
This is a really great and touching video and as I know I have said before, she really should write a book for everyone regardless. I wish I had heard her many insightful and wise things she says when growing up.
Thank you! And its true, many see me as a bitch, and I am totally OK with that. Those who know me, know me.
Well we all know that's not true as you have too much compassion. Take care Dr.Z.
I needed this so very much.
Thanks. I really needed to hear this right now.
I'm definitely doing this at work. My clothes are less feminine then I wear outside, I have way less makeup on, and I'm going by my last name because it's gender neutral.
I'm doing it all to try to avoid conflict.
Sorry to hear that.
Dr. Z, so you did it again. Speaking out about what's hoIding me back from myself. I tend to dial it all the way up at work while toning it down with neighbors and family. My perceived guilt is off the scale, it's really really hard. BUT I KNOW that I'm so much more in touch with myself when I live without thinking too much about what others might think...
Thank you Dr. Z ❤ I'm so glad I found your channel 😊
Glad to be of support!
Hi Dr Z, I totally tend to do this at work, I have just put off telling my managers, although I've told many of my coworkers. I keep telling myself a narrative that I just need to wait until I pass more before I should officially come out. I also feel like my most common part of this dial problem is that I don't correct pronouns and/or name.
This is a whole other issue in regards to my parents because I've settled into this place that because I'm financially dependent (college) I shouldn't change my name. I don't know what to do about this situation besides wait ~3 years before I change my name once I'm financially independent.
I think giving people "time to get comfortable" can be useful if and only if (yes I'm implying that the converse is true if the original statement is true) you set specific hard time frames. So you could, for example, tell your coworkers, assuming one is a trans woman or non binary femme, I'll be wearing a skirt to work on (insert specific date here) and then show up as announced on that date. So not "dialing down" but giving people some time to get used to an idea about yourself as long as you follow through and be authentic. Just thinking "out loud" as it were.
Yes I think its fine to do that. The message here is not about disregarding others but to remember your own boundaries and not constantly work at pleasing others.
I actual dialed down when I first transitioned I was trying to fit in it wasn't until a I mention to a co-worker that I was going to wear a dress and she told me I should wait a while. I went home and thought about it and became kinda pissed off and two days later I was wearing a dress. It was that point I stopped listening to advice from people who worry about me doing too much too soon. The funny thing is other female co-workers loved the fact I was wearing a dress and most told me how nice I looked. What is sad is she has a trans male son so while I thought she would understand I came to the conclusion that while she was trying to protect me she was also limiting my ability to be myself. This school year I'm more accepted and they just see me as another woman at work who has a deep voice. They include me in everything now from fashion to boob sweat. I can say this being your self is much better than holding yourself back trying to please others. Another great video Dr Z
This is so helpful. Thank you. I recently (like less than a week ago) came out publically as non-binary. I struggled to discover my gender and have been scared to express it because I am part of a family that has for generations denied AFAB people, including me, basic personhood and bodily autonomy using numerous forms of violence and abuse. But between deaths and the right family cut-offs, it's gotten safe enough (if not easy) for me to live out my authentic gender. I'm still pushing through fear of expressing my gender through clothes, etc., though, and your video provides a useful way of reframing that. Thank you!
Wish you all the best!
@@DRZPHD Thanks!
I was raised with the mantra of "God, Family, Others, Self" as the hierarchy of priorities in life. I have never been able to shake that internalized belief that I am the least important in the equation, and that other people's feeling and comfort are always more important than my selfish desires.
😢holy moly.
This is why I'm transitioning so late in my life, I wish I heard this 10 years ago.
Love your high contrast style Natalia. It suits your personality. The way you come across gives your viewers confidence in your knowledge.
You soo spot on❤❤❤. I'm always really dialing up and down. Not sure sometimes what is right spot
I spent 4 years doing this exact thing to the extreme, trying to make things work. The only thing I stayed true with was my HRT. I never missed a required dose. Honestly, I was doing it to a lesser extent, basically since I was 16. So, over 20 years of putting on different faces for different people.
I am so sorry to hear.
@DRZPHD don't be we live and learn. Still trying to find my way wife hates me, court hates me kids adore me. Major tech job apx 80% know 20% in the dark
You are so right Doc Z! I feel like you are talking to me directly.
I have done this my whole life thank you Dr Z love you
You always upload exactly what I need to hear Dr z
Reminds me of the saying, "I can only please one person a day. Today is not your day and tomorrow isn't looking good either."
At some point you need to start living for yourself, not to please others. At the end of the day, transition is for your own sake.
Love this!!!!
I liked this message very much. I quit playing with the remote when I finally realized that I had to be honest with people, otherwise all relations were not authentic. I was just pretending to be someone that I wasn't, and at some point they were going to realize it anyway.
Good point about others coming to their own realization.
You hit the nail on the head. This is wonderful advice. Thanks so much for sharing! 😊
You are so welcome!
Wow...this is good. I haven't had to play with the dial button in years, but that changed recently whem i had to return to my hometown after 20 years away. That said I am now turning the dial button back in favour of myself. The reason for that is that each i dial back i cause harm to myself and builds over time. In vusual think of filling a glass with water, except that the water in this case is trauma and if you keep filling the glass, overflow eventually happens.....a makes a mess.
Love your style!
That was an awesome presentation. Thank you Dr. Z!!
Thank you Dr. Z. Your content is much appreciated! 😊
Absolutely spot on as always Dr Z! Thank you so much for your excellent videos❤
Thank you, Dr. Z, for this session that is so relevant to me. You are inspirational. You encourage me to be self-confident, regardless of what others may think. To be courageous. Thank you.
What we see and idealize and like in others, is a quality we have within ourselves that is not yet realized :)
This is absolutely amazing view. Soo deep true❤. It just resonate with me a lot.😊❤ Thank you
Oh my gosh Dr. Z! I feel like you just slapped me! I don't play with the dial, I hit it with a hammer a few years ago 😊😢. I also use humor when I'm uncomfortable.
Seriously though, I've been all over the place with everything for years (I'm 55 now, m2f). Started hormones and blockers 4 years ago, off and on, up and down since. I think I live in a state of full time puberty.
I'm just realizing now, this month or 3, that my understanding of dysphoria was wrong. Specifically I've realized how my personality, strong but feminine approaching, along with my masculine appearance, has led me to not meet expectations in a male dominated field of the corporate world. I defaulted into it for family and finances.
I left the field and am going into peer recovery and behavioral health. I'm also a part time home health aide. The position that I expect to get is 100% behind me as a transgender woman tho. 😊
Things are coming together, but my situation got very bad. I'm really happy that my kids still talk to me. But they struggle, I know.
So yes, I do swing the dial, I feel I've had to for survival. Transgender people that make it through the fire and thrive deserve nothing but everyones utmost respect, acceptance, and love. 100%.
All my love,
Steph
this is an interesting concept. at first i didnt think i had a dial, but then i thought about it and i actually do.. its not a dial of how much im being myself though, but instead its a sort of tolerance meter. i already realized that some people wont bend no matter what so being myself more or less wont matter. the dial i end up using is more interaction based. when i encounter these people that just hate me for breathing i tend to dial it down to shutting myself off from the world to ignore them. now this poses an interesting question because this obviously isnt a behavior that anyone should have to do, but how do you overcome it if nothing will change their perception and you cant avoid them because of something like your work environment?
Thanks for sharing and it can def also be a tolerance meter.
Love the video, love the look, love Dr Z!
This conversation made me uncomfortable, which means it hit close to home. Your direct manner is the secret sauce for being on point. Always.
I (we) have to become comfortable being uncomfortable to undo the years of denial, people pleasing etc..
This subject has so many layers that it will require more than 1 viewing to really digest, and allow me to face my many insecurities.
❤🏅🏳️⚧️🇨🇦
Thank you so much for the work that you do and your authenticity in doing it!
You are so welcome!
Amazing analysis , thank you ...
Glad you liked it!
My dial is delaying my transition because of not wanting to conflict with my father. We just started communicating with each other and I'm resisting transitioning because I'm afraid of losing the relationship we just got back.
I am so sorry to hear.
I think also the dial is turned down because of physical safety. I often travel to parts of the country authenticity can be dangerous.
Safety is always a priority.
In public its not that I care what others think, its the horror of being ridculed or abused. As I was abused as a child. I Understand that (recovering codependent here). How does one deal with that being in the way? I try to take small steps and dress as I want anyway. Any tips would be aprreciated.
Dr. Z, but what to do when that people you are trying not to make unconfortable is you family you depend on and live with them?
I do have a question now after some reflection on this.
How does one differentiate between turning the dial and sometimes just feeling fluid and / or just in a mood to not want to put in the energy to glam up and show up? #sweats
Avoiding confrontation all your life turns you into a person who gets nothing out of life. Going day to day analyzing the possible effects of everything you may want to do becomes a second job. We avoid the percieved bad effects and wind up doing nothing. Not everything is full bad consequences. Dip your finger or toe into what you are afraid holds trouble for you. If you ask a person what they think of trans people and they say they hate them thats their opinion not yours.
Well said.
"When you toy with the dial you're doing two things. One, you're giving a lot of power to others, and two, you're keeping yourself stuck."
Respectfully... I disagree at least in part with the advice given in this video. Whether or not we _want_ to give others power, it is an undeniable fact that for quite a few people here in the transgender community, there are many entities who have power over us. We face higher unemployment rates, we face relationships ending and in many cases ending in unfair power dynamics (e.g. children being withheld, exorbitant alimony payments, etc.), we face families who cut us off from support when we need it the most.
Yes it is harmful to us if we have to dial ourselves back, but many of us have found that it is a necessity in order to live in the society that _we had no say in creating in the first place._. In a perfect society I would agree with this advice, that we should be able and willing to keep our dials tuned to exactly who we are. I'd liken it to a radio... if we find a station we like why would we want to turn the dial anywhere else? Why would we want to either introduce static or worse, dance to a song that we don't like?
The way I would reconcile this advice is that -- if the dial is played with, then there should be very clear and open communication with the person(s) who is (are) requesting us to play with the dial. If it is necessary in the power dynamics of life that we modulate ourselves, then we should be clear that we are modulating ourselves and to find out what is needed in order to regain the power we need to change the dial to where we would like to be. If it's time... a new job... the end of a relationship... or just the other party working through their own crap.
Bringing back the analogy of the radio, imagine that you're the driver in your own car. Some of us are riding alone, but many of us are riding with passengers... relationships whether family, friends, or work. If you tune your radio to your preferred music but the people behind are not happy... no, they're not controlling the car directly but there are definitely things they can do to make driving difficult... or even dangerous. At that point a conversation must be had between the driver and whatever passengers are the problem. And if absolutely necessary, the driver can figure out whether or not the passengers are worth driving... and once the driver can finally reconcile their car load, they are free to be static-less and groove to the music of their choice.
Thanks for sharing.
The only issue I have with what is said here is that a lot of people are in situations they chose knowing they were trans and still hid that fact and now want to transition but experience no consequences or judgement for doing so. That's not reality and no one has to accept us for who we are when we hid who we are from them in the first place. Trans people should not be neglected, discriminated against or treated hatefully. At the same time if you married a man or a woman as the opposite sex and then ten years and three kids later say okay now you have to accept me as the person I really am, well, no, they don't. Maybe your kids will because it doesn't affect them like it does a spouse. But a spouse has as much right to their authentic self as we do ours. So if their authentic self wanted a masculine husband and thought that's what she had until he revealed he was actually she then there are consequences that go along with that decision. Or you work in ,say, welding and there are certain clothes you have to wear for safety but now you don't want to wear those clothes because they don't suit your newly revealed identity. So you want the company to not only find you a new position but at the same pay even though they hired a welder to pay welder wages. That's not reality. Where I work our company is contracted to provide rehabilitation services to the elderly. While my company could not legally fire me for wearing a skirt to work the facility we contract with could ask our company to replace me because of resident complaints and if there were no positions available in a facility that would accept me then I would be out of work. After all, I can't ask the company to fire someone in a more conducive out patient clinic so I can work there instead. And I understand what the overall premise of the video was but I see a lot of folks in the trans and trans advocate community shirking responsibility and saying that everyone in every situation should just accept us and adjust their lives to suit us while saying we shouldn't have to do the same. I despise hypocrisy as much as I do bigotry and we are creating a lot of hypocrites in our own ranks so that we don't have to feel the pain of our decisions.
You are beautiful incredibly beautiful I love everything about your appearance! You're unique and not common!
It did not work with me either, but at least I tried like any tempted child, was it worth it? Hell yes! Do you want to know why?
Because I tried to reach 911 but I could not find the 11 button 😂
I use the dial at work . And with my ex wife