It has been said that it's the space between the bars that holds the tiger, and it's the silence between the notes that makes the music. Give each other space; then when you come back together it's even more beautiful.
One thing I can't stand is when someone has no interests at all. They just watch whatever tv shows are on and just basically exist. I can tolerate a lot in a relationship but not that. It's just so damn boring! What's worse is if they actually have interests but are so lazy that they don't pursue them even when encouraged to or given the tools and opportunities to.
@gardnert1 I've met those types - I think of them as vampires feeding off your ideas. But I also think that if work hard and find exciting and interesting things to share they are wasted on these lazy types.
While I tend to agree, can't values, goals and beliefs change over time just like one's interests can change over time? I'd assume that values changing would happen much slower than interests changing. But still, it could happen. So although it's healthy to base a relationship on shared values, there's still a chance of those values changing over time. And that's the risk of dating I suppose.
@@Hershmasterpimpnslid That's why I have never understood people who can't date persons with completely different political views. I voted for a far left party in my country five years ago, but in the last election I voted for a far right wing party.
@@NidusFormicarum to some extent, values you have are the values you want to give down to your children. If your values don't align with those of your partner, than that can be difficult to combine
No, it's PIES. A combo of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual attraction. This is the holistic chemistry. Nothing can replace that. If I say "I value education" and you say "I value education too" that means we share values. But that means nothing bc the way each of us interprets education can be dramatically different. Good mating is mostly internal.
I have been saying a similar thing for quite some time now. Not everyone is marriage material. Not everyone has enough mental stability or tolerance of another person's imperfections. If you get married to someone with low tolerance and quickly gets angry about another person's imperfections the marriage will end in divorce after 5 - 10 years. It is really that simple. The point about people changing and being different every 10 years is another excellent point. The person you marry is not the person you divorce.
Dr. Warren Farrell says in his book His Needs, Her Needs that second to sex men are looking for a recreational partner. So therefore finding somebody that likes to recreate like and with you is very important. He says that women that recreate with their men build up a lot of love credits.
Damn, I felt that so much. I met my wife when I was a Christian minister and she was a zealous Christian who also wanted to go into the ministry. 15 years later, I've changed a lot, including no longer being a believer and wanting to do things that she can't do because of her faith. I would say we definitely fell in love, but looking back I think the shared interests was definitely the main thing because personality wise we are complete opposites. This is some important stuff to know.
Shared interests are some indication of shared values.. It also makes it easier planning activities together. But I agree, they are less important than tolerating differences.
Wow this is so true! Relationships always start with chemistry and attraction towards each other, and their interests are totally secondary. And it is the personality. of the dated person how he or she is talking about the interest and how enthusiastic they are and how they feel by doing their hobby. If per chance they should have some interests in common that’s okay and it would be fine but it’s not necessary as long as they accept their each other’s interest and can distinguish that everybody is different and everybody is interested in something else. A lot of younger man have very dangerous end adventurous hobbies like paragliding, mountain biking, waterskiing, snowboarding or they are extremely into triathlon wich can be very hard for a relationship as it seems that their sport and their hobby absorbs most of the free time. It is as only their hobby is the important thing in their life besides the job. Many times I read complaints on online forums from woman about their partners who are spending almost their entire free time and many weekends alone with their hobbies. Sorry for my English, it’s not my mother tongue.
The most funny thing is - what men and women have in common in the first place? Two guys - one in his 20s and another in his 50s have more in common than man and a woman the same age lol.
Many people often approach dating through the lens of shared interests. While there is a grain of wisdom to this perspective, it ultimately doesn't make a lot of sense to do this. And there are two main reasons for this. First: shared interests are factual disclosures, and factual disclosures do not increase attraction or chemistry (which is what people are generally looking for in a relationship). And second: your interests (and your partner's interests) will change in time. If the basis of your relationship is your shared interests, how will it continue when those interests inevitably shift? Orion is a licensed psychologist in the state of California. Podcast available of Spotify, Instagram, Apple Podcasts, Google Podcasts and others. See the "About" tab for more information on donations and consultations. Website: oriontarabanpsyd.com
The reason why shared interests are part of what I will call the Dating Algorhythm is because romantic relationships have to be built initially on similarities not differences. This is nothing more than a basic metric that anyone understands. You can't have a relationship with a woman and vice versa if you have nothing in common. This has nothing to do with attraction or personal interest. You can be attracted to people who you have no shared interest with . However at the end of the day, shared interests are a basic foolproof method of entering into relationships .
Awesome you are covering this topic now! And your lecture makes so much sense. It seems to me that especially people with more extroverted "entertainment-oriented“ fields of interests where it could be more convenient or fun to share them with a partner look for someone similiar and won’t let go of their vision. I often see people specifically expressing that. I.e. culture and art lovers, tango afficionados, cruise or antique car fans etc. who prefer indulging in that and going places with a partner over doing it on their own, and can be very fixated on that. With people who share more specific lifestyle-oriented interests there could be broader commonalities that go beyond a hobby and encompass all sorts of values, shared projects etc. that could allow them to match in more factors… I.e. There are couples who are into vintage lifestyle of certain periods and have found their soulmate based on their mutual passion, and created an entire cosmos with them that reflects that. However they share attraction and chemistry obviously.
You are right in explaining why shared interests are not a solid, much less reliable reason to date as those do not increase attraction and chemistry, if they did then we'd only be attracted to and have chemistry with people who shared those interests. However, the thing that increases and or sparks chemistry is DESIRE, which when talking about dating becomes problematic. Mainly because what people desire in a partner often is a. in conflict with their own, limited understanding of themselves b. in conflict with the "goals" they may have for prospective relationships c. in conflict with what their society, religion or peer group may deem acceptable in a partner You should do a video on why people are afraid of choosing a mate according to their desires. I feel this is the reason for so many unsatisfying relationships and why the "spark" often "dies" out over the long term when in reality there wasn't really any. Good video
Thank you. Just because something works for everyone else doesn't mean it works for me. Just because something doesn't work for anyone doesn't mean it won't work for me. My relationships and my needs are as unique and personal as my fingerprint. For me shared values are key, but shared interest are not incredibly important.
actually that’s a great way to put it. & more ppl need know this. i think ppl have these set of rules of what should work in everyone’s relationship, but everyone’s relationship is different. ur not going to understand everyone’s relationship. & it’s not for everyone to understand or question as long as *they* are happy. what works u will not work for everyone & what works for everyone doesn’t have to work for u. not every relationship will be as smooth as others. ppl don’t have to have common interests to work. i’ve seen it. for ex the wife could be a total fashionista & the husband not so much. values & mentality definitely r the most important bc u can have so many common interests with someone & if they don’t have the same beliefs in values like lifestyle, religion, wanting a family, etc you cannot have a life together. it doesn’t matter. common interests doesn’t = let’s have a life together. also ppl eventually find common interests as they’re together & may not start off having those interests… also he made a good point about ur interests always changing as u age. when ur a kid u like action figures or barbie’s u may grow out of that. or maybe u used to play sports u may not care to play sports anymore in the future.
@@pr1cet4g Exactly. Couples who keep the love ignited have aced the concept of understanding in relationships. People share a stronger bond with each other when they are not alone in their happiness and sorrows.
Mutual tolerance is optimal but most often, especially nowadays, different interests are viewed as an insult to the other person especially in the matters of politics or religion. Many have a my way or the highway attitude nowadays. My most successful relationships were by being with women that I didn't idealize. Meaning if she had a different upbringing, politics, religion, tv choices, hobbies etc. I didn't care because I was already indifferent when the relationship began. They could've worshipped satan for all I could've cared. But if they had more attraction to me than I them, they wouldn't force their beliefs, lifestyle on me. Mutual tolerance. Plus because I always viewed relationships as temporary, I was more tolerant. We all can deal with the nutcase at the bus station more when we know its momentary. The minute a person starts viewing relationships as " forever " their tolerance decreases excluding arranged marriages where divorce is impossible. Then they look for compromise. When compromise is not required and a person wants forever, they'll often try to mold and power struggle with the other. Just view every relationship as temporary and it has a better chance of lasting.
Most couples think they have to spend every possible second together. That every hobby must be shared. That every taste in everything must be the same. Most couples are highly co-dependent and are utterly unaware of that dynamic.
A girl I was dating and I had basically nothing in common so we talked about it and went through a couple of ideas, then we decided on Salsa and it worked great. Generally dancing is really good bonding activity for opposite genders.
I just started salsa dancing. In the last six months, I've improved noticeably. I then decided that who I marry needs to be a dancer as well since I enjoy it so much. Perhaps this is a reminder that it may not be necessary for us to both dance. I found your videos yesterday and they've made me rethink quite a few things. Thank you.
NOOOOO. Having a common hobby like dancing builds an amazing relationship. There is a study where they looked at elderly couples and the ones who danced together regularly stayed married for longer and had more happy relationships. I agree with a lot of what the Dr. shares BUT NOT WITH THIS ONE.
@@JaZmine147 lot of people that dance also have one night stands.. your example is absurd. Who doesn't enjoy music and to dance freely. Basing a relationship solely because the person enjoys the same music to dance to, is foolish.
@@JaZmine147 any study can provide data.. how many countries did they study, how many marriages were in the study, what kind of music did they base it on. Did they factor in divorces and if the couples danced together.. the study you're presenting sounds ridiculous.. next study you'll present is marriages in which the couples loved movies stayed married.
I'm 45 years old. I have only had one friend in my life that I didn't met because of shared interests. My ex and I had very few interests in common and our relationship was terrible. That doesn't mean that more shared interested would have saved our relationship, but it would definitely had made it easier for us to just relax and have a good time together. And no, I have almost no interests today that I didn't have 20 years ago. Things like political views, view of relationships and general values have changed completely though. Also, you don't want common interests because that is going to form the basis for your relationship (unless you are really lucky), but because you want to be able to do something together in a relaxed manner without having to worry so much about what to talk about. You write things in your prophile text that make it for a good friend to talk to or superfical buddy to hang around with - you have to find out if there is a potentional for a relationship when you meet someone - not online. That's how I look at it. By the way, a woman that is interested in a field that is untypical for a woman - like chess or theoretical physics - is very exciting and attractive for me.
Though trial and error I found the best chemistry came with girls who's personality was strong in the zodiac signs I was weak in (and vice-versa). For example if the girl has no Gemini our conversation will usually be stilted and lacking flow; if he has no Aquarius open mindedness she will quash all my bizarre mental interests; if she has no Cancer she will not bring that deeper emotional connection, no Scorpio and we will both fall for manipulative liars, no Leo and we will both allow ourselves to be disrespected when we should not. In the end I found a lady who featured all of these zodiac signs, i.e. personality traits, and though we may disagree from time to time, we complement each other very well.
I think I’ve learned from this video, but: Though we shouldn’t rate people higher for common interests, it can be a sign you have common values. If you have a social hobby, it can be more likely you’ll meet people with common values, depending on the hobby.
I used to live by Griffith Park. I’d ask guys from dating site to do a bit urban hiking on weekend morning as meet and greet. I was training for cactus to cloud and mt. Whitney at the time. Every single one who said they love hiking was huffing and puffing, dying on trail with incline. I typically date guys who are very active. I don’t feel bad that I am not at their level or don’t do what they do. I had done coast to coast in England and Italian Alps by myself. It’d be nice to do this type of trekking travel with a partner in the future, be it a friend or a BF.
“I like traveling” “me too” Who doesn’t 😂 Great videos man. Really connect with the content as the way you present it is very factual and calm and just, this is the way it really is
So agree. I once heard a guy saying that his future wife HAS TO love skiing, and be great at this. C’mon, how many days a year they gonna be skiing? Where’s the rest?
Whatever you hear from a dating partner can’t be taken at face value. You have to peel back the layers of subterfuge, diversion, and conveniently allowing you to be misled by your own assumptions. When dating I expressed the importance of being athletic and fit. I was given examples of sports engaged in in high school and a love of tennis. Their general body composition suggested fitness as a priority. I found out there’s a huge difference between someone who “likes to play tennis” and an athlete even if they are a really good tennis player. Someone who doesn’t like to sweat isn’t really an athlete even though they play tennis. Not sweating eventually won out over playing tennis and the sedentary nature of my young slender tennis player soon revealed itself as she evolved into a jumbo couch potato with the associated health problems. 🤦🏻♂️ 😭 Oh and I’m not sure after all this time if she even really likes me! 😂
wouldn't shared values be the basis of a relationship though? They don't change that often and I feel like when you don't share values, mutual tolerance simply isn't enough to hold a relationship together.
Well, I think that if you don't have shared values, you will not tolerate the other person's interests. Values impact one's tolerance (as well as other things). So at the core of it is shared values. Values are distinct from interests
And to be fair, he wasn't saying these things to the exclusion of shared values. He was addressing interests specifically. His video wasn't supposed to address all things necessary to a relationship. And tolerance of interests is what is necessary. But shared values are also
@@patriot524 well, tolerance is one value. Tho I see it this way: shared interests is what makes you spend time together doing things you both like (altho if you just like each other so much, you can like spending time together even if you dont like doing this thing. personally there re many things I dont enjoy doing alone but enjoy doing with friends, for example), whereas shared values is what makes your lives aligned and allows you to have one common goal and plan for a successful relationship. what i meant is that mutual tolerance is fine, and surely necessary, but I don't think it is enough for a good relationship to simply be able to tolerate each other. I'm sure people in loveless, sexless marriages tolerate each other as well, but that's honestly a really shitty way to live together.
You're right 👍.There is what we call " you " me "time. Partners are not always together on their own recreation or relaxation Esther Perrel said Space creates desire 😊 and that's true but not too long because absence also especially to women makes the heart forget. I like those books on your back what's your favourite book, do you have ? I like your home too🤗🖐️ We are not compatible when it comes to travelling because I never set my mind to that, my mindset is that : I wanna break the chain of poverty from my family , I forgot my own desires for mySelf. I'm not sure if I don't like travelling because I can travel one place by seeing their photographs 😊.Is my life boring idk I can enjoy life through photography 🖐️🤗📸 Good morning Dr. O 🌄☕. Love, Peace, Joy, Wisdom and Abundance to All 🙏
Nice. I wonder if there is also something to be said about differentiating interests and compatibilities. For example, many people say "I like to travel", however, I am a digital nomad. At what point do we need to consider lifestyles and compatibilities that may overlap with interests?
50 years ago, my main interests were motorycles, shooting, hunting, backpacking, karate and a sweet, sexy, slender, beautiful young woman. Today, my interests are exactly the same. If a woman is not interested in Karate AND shooting, I'm not interested in the first date, much less any repeats.
Filtering for shared and or liked interest just means everyone is searching for the same person that likes to eat, travel and workout, so everyone is looking for a replica of themselves meaning they will just end up being friends or roommates, Your interests are your own, what you should be looking for are specific traits and characteristics in a potential partner, not what you enjoy doing on your own time, who said a man wants to have the same hobbies and interests with their spouse? I don't want my feminine, female partner to share all of my more masculine interests, men and women might just have more differences than we do similarities, but today every married man and women seem to be an identical carbon copy of each other... long gone are the days of strong, independent men who have their own hobbies, interests and grounding of themselves as a man, and instead we see so many couples just becoming mirror images of one another, totally taking on a combined joint role for everything, doing everything together and going everywhere together and that often times means the man will become more feminine in that situation where the two are overly coupled, and the female can often times take on a more controlling masculine role, this is why modern day dads on mainstream TV and movies are all portrayed as some bumbling stumbling idiot that has no direction without guidance from the Alpha and controlling masculine wife...
Tolerance for something is practically same as being into that already so it is not really different from shared interests. The issue is when people have different goals, like if woman wants family and children and man wants to have fun and freedom. then they will be complaining to each other that resources and effort is diverted into wrong direction.
It seems like this topic of people’s interests changing is for the “Don’t get married” category rather than “How to select dating partners” some good points to consider under both topics is guess
Oh my God lol, what if you're so very specific in your interests that it's a rarity to connect on that deep level it brings? I feel like it's important but I'm speaking as a huge music and art nerd.
Complementary difference i agree are better. Who wants to date the identical person, or dress alike. Being an individual and not losing self iidenitity is very important. He is correct
What I find interesting is that so many people view shared interests as an important dating metric these days. When I was starting to date decades ago, I was used to hearing people say opposites attract. It seems to me those days are gone since very few people understand what that truly means. I hope this new way of dating changes course soon because it's ruining relationships if you ask me.
I often hear women say "what do you have in common with a 20 year old", a question for a man who wants to date a young woman. They will reference things like movies,tv shows, that your young female partner won't know about. These are people that have no idea what men want or they just playing dumb to discourage single guys from dating younger women. Knowledge of similar things in the same time period has zero bearing on dating. That's why it doesn't matter that a woman is from Afghanistan and doesn't know what Pokemon is.
My guess is shared interests is a good base from which to then get to know others eg enjoying the context and company to the activity - and possibly from knowing others to more positive chance of dating let alone a longer-term relationship. Seems like the structure of this video is missing the "starting conditions" of people mingling successfully.
Shared values are highly overrated in a romantic relationship. Real compatibility comes when two different world come together and forms a single unit. If everything is same between you and I than I already have myself, I don't need another me.
Obstruct and punish Tolerate you and your passions.. Taught at school Good idea. What about teaching the mother's the fathers to before they have children..! Love your podcasts take care x
Thinking about this i just wonder: what if NOT sharing interest forces you to assert who you are and this, in turn, forces the other person to show their real character by showing they tolerate and respect you or not. It's not that sharing interests is bad but, if done in an avoiding tendency, it might just be a way to cover rotten stuff.
My wife of 34 years no longer has any shared interest with me. Sexless for 20 years (since she gave birth). Yes relationships change & most often for the worse. I can only tolerate her because of my wonderful side girlfriend of 17 years who keeps me loving life. My youngest graduates college next year & that is when I divorce my cold as ice wife.
Most guys I know will bring a woman along in the beginning (i.e Rock climbing, biking etc), but rather do it with the guys only after enough time passes
Silly example I have always loved to cook and my husband loves to be cooked for works beautifully. I actively dislike people being in my kitchen while I am cooking. People w ho know me say don’t go in the zone. So a fellow cooking enthusiast would be a bad fit
Maybe dating FOR shared interests is weak, interests change. Dating because of shared interests is a gold standard. I play tennis and my last three LTR were with tennis players that I met during social tennis events. You're there to play tennis but there is a lot of talking, laughing and socializing after the matches. It is easy to see someone act themselves over time.
I'm very interested in the Occult; I'm obsessed with going to Seances something that historically become very popular during the Victorian period. I love history in particular United States history going back to the roaring 20's. I have visited New Orleans, LA a lot and learned about American history in particular prostitution being legal from 1897 to 1917 in a section of New Orleans called Storyville. Haha! Even got to see historical pictures of the women who would service the men. lol There is nothing like going to an estate sale on the weekends, love to travel and go wine tasting, love Opera and Boardway shows. All admit that I have pretty unique interest and I don't think the average man would be into them. So, it's very important to find someone who at least shares half of my interest. I'm not sure how the relationship would workout otherwise.
Because he just said it’s more chemistry and attraction and how you feel around the person. Second he stated most people move on from interests. I’m going to be that guy. This is why woman remain stuck not finding relationships when the facts and information are presented to you and you just push back against it. Why not just be open to what he’s saying and try it before being closed off from what are facts. He’s not giving you an opinion to disagree or agree with.
@@ssing7113 Obviously, it's a no brainer you need to have some kind of chemistry and attraction towards the person, and it has to be mutual. But since my interest are unique and I've had them for well over 10 plus years. I do feel it's important for me personally to find someone who I can share some commonality with regards to interest. Obviously, I'm not going to date a conservative Christain who's interest is to go to Trump rallies in S. Florida. because we would probably be doing a lot of auguring. haha! I think there some assumptions on your part that I'm currently looking for a relationship, I'm not. Relationship finding is on the back burner for now. I'm also not closed off to what Dr. Orion is saying I don't always agree with him, but would it not be odd if I agreed with him on everything he said. Also, most of the married people I know have lots of the same interest. I can't tell you how many times people have said to me we met at some event we were both interested in etc.
don't worry, nobody dates for shared interests they're just looking for someone hot to bonk. women try to form an artificial commonality with the guys they're attracted to by pretending to like what the dude likes in order to trick him into a positive association with her. she doesn't like your sports team she likes you.
People seem to hide behind those interests. If they didn’t have all those things they wouldn’t find each others company that enjoyable. Covid showed that.
sad that a video is needed for this common sense. he's so right. she's a woman not a man. you should have different interests n hobbies. just like i don't go shopping, most women's favorite hobby, with her
What do I think? I think you analyse every small detail too much to rationalist everything from the perspective where everything is a problem with a solution, a formula that needs to be balanced. Sometimes just do what feels good. Having shared interests feels good
I disagree, my interests still hold into the same sphere. As a 30 year old I still like reading Fantasy, Sci Fi, music, spending time with my friends, video games, etc. After dating a girl with whom we had mutual attraction and shared set of values, I would say ti is dificult if not impossible to hold onto that relationship because there will not be friendship. You can have a romantic relationship, a sexual relationship and a friendly relationship all with the same person, because you are not romantic, sexual or friendly all the time nor should you. Again is not that its one thing or the other, you need to have all 3 of them, romance, sex and friendship.
That's why all Elon Musk relationships have failed. He chases after hot women who like the same books and writers he's into. That's how Amber Heard got into Johnny's life and his.
It has been said that it's the space between the bars that holds the tiger, and it's the silence between the notes that makes the music. Give each other space; then when you come back together it's even more beautiful.
Take away the bars and we'll see how well those spaces hold the tiger. Perfect example of how something can look like the case until reality hits.
@@Sinsteel lmao
One thing I can't stand is when someone has no interests at all. They just watch whatever tv shows are on and just basically exist. I can tolerate a lot in a relationship but not that. It's just so damn boring! What's worse is if they actually have interests but are so lazy that they don't pursue them even when encouraged to or given the tools and opportunities to.
I am the person you describe. But in my case, living abroad, it is kind of hard to be your true self.
@@sontodosnarcos I lived abroad for 5 years. It's easier than you think.
@@sontodosnarcoswhat region are you from and where did you go?
Is it such a problem that you consider moving back home?
@@gardnert1 it definitely depends on how stark the contrast in cultures is
@gardnert1 I've met those types - I think of them as vampires feeding off your ideas. But I also think that if work hard and find exciting and interesting things to share they are wasted on these lazy types.
It's not shared interests. It's shared values, goals and beliefs.
While I tend to agree, can't values, goals and beliefs change over time just like one's interests can change over time? I'd assume that values changing would happen much slower than interests changing. But still, it could happen. So although it's healthy to base a relationship on shared values, there's still a chance of those values changing over time. And that's the risk of dating I suppose.
@@Hershmasterpimpnslid That's why I have never understood people who can't date persons with completely different political views. I voted for a far left party in my country five years ago, but in the last election I voted for a far right wing party.
goals and interests - don't they go together?
@@NidusFormicarum to some extent, values you have are the values you want to give down to your children. If your values don't align with those of your partner, than that can be difficult to combine
No, it's PIES. A combo of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual attraction. This is the holistic chemistry. Nothing can replace that. If I say "I value education" and you say "I value education too" that means we share values. But that means nothing bc the way each of us interprets education can be dramatically different. Good mating is mostly internal.
I have been saying a similar thing for quite some time now. Not everyone is marriage material. Not everyone has enough mental stability or tolerance of another person's imperfections. If you get married to someone with low tolerance and quickly gets angry about another person's imperfections the marriage will end in divorce after 5 - 10 years. It is really that simple. The point about people changing and being different every 10 years is another excellent point. The person you marry is not the person you divorce.
Dr. Warren Farrell says in his book His Needs, Her Needs that second to sex men are looking for a recreational partner. So therefore finding somebody that likes to recreate like and with you is very important. He says that women that recreate with their men build up a lot of love credits.
Damn, I felt that so much. I met my wife when I was a Christian minister and she was a zealous Christian who also wanted to go into the ministry. 15 years later, I've changed a lot, including no longer being a believer and wanting to do things that she can't do because of her faith. I would say we definitely fell in love, but looking back I think the shared interests was definitely the main thing because personality wise we are complete opposites. This is some important stuff to know.
So you apostatized and she didn't.
@@alanstevens1296 I'd rather be an intellectually honest apostate, than a believer is too afraid to admit their doubts.
@@hypergraphic
False Dichotomy
@@alanstevens1296 That's not an argument.
@@hypergraphic
It means that neither state is desirable.
Shared interests are some indication of shared values.. It also makes it easier planning activities together. But I agree, they are less important than tolerating differences.
Wow this is so true! Relationships always start with chemistry and attraction towards each other, and their interests are totally secondary. And it is the personality. of the dated person how he or she is talking about the interest and how enthusiastic they are and how they feel by doing their hobby.
If per chance they should have some interests in common that’s okay and it would be fine but it’s not necessary as long as they accept their each other’s interest and can distinguish that everybody is different and everybody is interested in something else.
A lot of younger man have very dangerous end adventurous hobbies like paragliding, mountain biking, waterskiing, snowboarding or they are extremely into triathlon wich can be very hard for a relationship as it seems that their sport and their hobby absorbs most of the free time. It is as only their hobby is the important thing in their life besides the job. Many times I read complaints on online forums from woman about their partners who are spending almost their entire free time and many weekends alone with their hobbies.
Sorry for my English, it’s not my mother tongue.
I would go further and say a checklist approach is a formula for failure. Excellent, Doc! Thank you for the “why”!
I noticed women use this to shame men for being attracted to younger women. “What can you possibly have in common!”
The most funny thing is - what men and women have in common in the first place? Two guys - one in his 20s and another in his 50s have more in common than man and a woman the same age lol.
Older men want healthy children and a hot young wife. Young women have healthy eggs and want older men for support lol.
Was gonna say this
I think it’s important that a potential partner has a few real hobbies, and has grown beyond considering clubbing and such to be on that list. 🤷♂️
Many people often approach dating through the lens of shared interests. While there is a grain of wisdom to this perspective, it ultimately doesn't make a lot of sense to do this. And there are two main reasons for this. First: shared interests are factual disclosures, and factual disclosures do not increase attraction or chemistry (which is what people are generally looking for in a relationship). And second: your interests (and your partner's interests) will change in time. If the basis of your relationship is your shared interests, how will it continue when those interests inevitably shift?
Orion is a licensed psychologist in the state of California.
Podcast available of Spotify, Instagram, Apple Podcasts, Google Podcasts and others.
See the "About" tab for more information on donations and consultations.
Website: oriontarabanpsyd.com
The reason why shared interests are part of what I will call the Dating Algorhythm is because romantic relationships have to be built initially on similarities not differences.
This is nothing more than a basic metric that anyone understands.
You can't have a relationship with a woman and vice versa if you have nothing in common.
This has nothing to do with attraction or personal interest. You can be attracted to people who you have no shared interest with .
However at the end of the day, shared interests are a basic foolproof method of entering into relationships .
Awesome you are covering this topic now! And your lecture makes so much sense.
It seems to me that especially people with more extroverted "entertainment-oriented“ fields of interests where it could be more convenient or fun to share them with a partner look for someone similiar and won’t let go of their vision. I often see people specifically expressing that. I.e. culture and art lovers, tango afficionados, cruise or antique car fans etc. who prefer indulging in that and going places with a partner over doing it on their own, and can be very fixated on that.
With people who share more specific lifestyle-oriented interests there could be broader commonalities that go beyond a hobby and encompass all sorts of values, shared projects etc. that could allow them to match in more factors… I.e. There are couples who are into vintage lifestyle of certain periods and have found their soulmate based on their mutual passion, and created an entire cosmos with them that reflects that. However they share attraction and chemistry obviously.
You are right in explaining why shared interests are not a solid, much less reliable reason to date as those do not increase attraction and chemistry, if they did then we'd only be attracted to and have chemistry with people who shared those interests.
However, the thing that increases and or sparks chemistry is DESIRE, which when talking about dating becomes problematic. Mainly because what people desire in a partner often is
a. in conflict with their own, limited understanding of themselves
b. in conflict with the "goals" they may have for prospective relationships
c. in conflict with what their society, religion or peer group may deem acceptable in a partner
You should do a video on why people are afraid of choosing a mate according to their desires. I feel this is the reason for so many unsatisfying relationships and why the "spark" often "dies" out over the long term when in reality there wasn't really any.
Good video
I've been saying this for years! FINALLY I don't feel like I'm crazy !
Thank you. Just because something works for everyone else doesn't mean it works for me. Just because something doesn't work for anyone doesn't mean it won't work for me. My relationships and my needs are as unique and personal as my fingerprint. For me shared values are key, but shared interest are not incredibly important.
actually that’s a great way to put it. & more ppl need know this. i think ppl have these set of rules of what should work in everyone’s relationship, but everyone’s relationship is different. ur not going to understand everyone’s relationship. & it’s not for everyone to understand or question as long as *they* are happy. what works u will not work for everyone & what works for everyone doesn’t have to work for u. not every relationship will be as smooth as others. ppl don’t have to have common interests to work. i’ve seen it. for ex the wife could be a total fashionista & the husband not so much. values & mentality definitely r the most important bc u can have so many common interests with someone & if they don’t have the same beliefs in values like lifestyle, religion, wanting a family, etc you cannot have a life together. it doesn’t matter. common interests doesn’t = let’s have a life together. also ppl eventually find common interests as they’re together & may not start off having those interests… also he made a good point about ur interests always changing as u age. when ur a kid u like action figures or barbie’s u may grow out of that. or maybe u used to play sports u may not care to play sports anymore in the future.
@@pr1cet4g Exactly. Couples who keep the love ignited have aced the concept of understanding in relationships. People share a stronger bond with each other when they are not alone in their happiness and sorrows.
Mutual tolerance is optimal but most often, especially nowadays, different interests are viewed as an insult to the other person especially in the matters of politics or religion. Many have a my way or the highway attitude nowadays. My most successful relationships were by being with women that I didn't idealize. Meaning if she had a different upbringing, politics, religion, tv choices, hobbies etc. I didn't care because I was already indifferent when the relationship began. They could've worshipped satan for all I could've cared. But if they had more attraction to me than I them, they wouldn't force their beliefs, lifestyle on me. Mutual tolerance. Plus because I always viewed relationships as temporary, I was more tolerant. We all can deal with the nutcase at the bus station more when we know its momentary. The minute a person starts viewing relationships as " forever " their tolerance decreases excluding arranged marriages where divorce is impossible. Then they look for compromise. When compromise is not required and a person wants forever, they'll often try to mold and power struggle with the other. Just view every relationship as temporary and it has a better chance of lasting.
Most couples think they have to spend every possible second together. That every hobby must be shared. That every taste in everything must be the same.
Most couples are highly co-dependent and are utterly unaware of that dynamic.
I agree. Being able to put up with the other person is likely the main reason you can maintain a long term relationship.
A girl I was dating and I had basically nothing in common so we talked about it and went through a couple of ideas, then we decided on Salsa and it worked great. Generally dancing is really good bonding activity for opposite genders.
Avoid sinful dancing
@@worm_and_no_man lol
Get, Footloose
Dancing is the warmup towards the real deal, so of course it works.
I just started salsa dancing. In the last six months, I've improved noticeably. I then decided that who I marry needs to be a dancer as well since I enjoy it so much. Perhaps this is a reminder that it may not be necessary for us to both dance. I found your videos yesterday and they've made me rethink quite a few things. Thank you.
NOOOOO. Having a common hobby like dancing builds an amazing relationship. There is a study where they looked at elderly couples and the ones who danced together regularly stayed married for longer and had more happy relationships. I agree with a lot of what the Dr. shares BUT NOT WITH THIS ONE.
@@JaZmine147 lot of people that dance also have one night stands.. your example is absurd. Who doesn't enjoy music and to dance freely. Basing a relationship solely because the person enjoys the same music to dance to, is foolish.
@@pazzodi3 Maybe Google the study I'm referring to instead of assuming.
@@JaZmine147 any study can provide data.. how many countries did they study, how many marriages were in the study, what kind of music did they base it on. Did they factor in divorces and if the couples danced together.. the study you're presenting sounds ridiculous.. next study you'll present is marriages in which the couples loved movies stayed married.
@@pazzodi3 You could have found out about all your questions if you actually googled it instead of commenting here.
They say equality makes the attraction and the differently make it break...
Filter for tolerance of differences instead of looking for shared interests. Interesting advice.
I'm 45 years old. I have only had one friend in my life that I didn't met because of shared interests. My ex and I had very few interests in common and our relationship was terrible. That doesn't mean that more shared interested would have saved our relationship, but it would definitely had made it easier for us to just relax and have a good time together.
And no, I have almost no interests today that I didn't have 20 years ago. Things like political views, view of relationships and general values have changed completely though.
Also, you don't want common interests because that is going to form the basis for your relationship (unless you are really lucky), but because you want to be able to do something together in a relaxed manner without having to worry so much about what to talk about. You write things in your prophile text that make it for a good friend to talk to or superfical buddy to hang around with - you have to find out if there is a potentional for a relationship when you meet someone - not online. That's how I look at it.
By the way, a woman that is interested in a field that is untypical for a woman - like chess or theoretical physics - is very exciting and attractive for me.
As always, on point J. Much better deal to decrease suffering ...
I like backpacking too, but kind of prefer it alone, not all the time but most of the time. Such great headspace when out in nature and the mountains.
I agree that it is psyches that attract. I wonder why some people become spewers of negativity..even when it doesn't affect them.
Every Healthy and Fully Functional Relationship. Is, Built on Balance. And Balance is the Understanding of Indifference.
2:19 "did you know that DMX, the rapper, was an avid orchid gardener?" ... WHAT?!
Wow, this is enlightening; thank you.
My interest is in me (My enjoyment). If a lady is interested in my enjoyment then this is a basis for a good relationship.
Though trial and error I found the best chemistry came with girls who's personality was strong in the zodiac signs I was weak in (and vice-versa). For example if the girl has no Gemini our conversation will usually be stilted and lacking flow; if he has no Aquarius open mindedness she will quash all my bizarre mental interests; if she has no Cancer she will not bring that deeper emotional connection, no Scorpio and we will both fall for manipulative liars, no Leo and we will both allow ourselves to be disrespected when we should not. In the end I found a lady who featured all of these zodiac signs, i.e. personality traits, and though we may disagree from time to time, we complement each other very well.
I think I’ve learned from this video, but:
Though we shouldn’t rate people higher for common interests, it can be a sign you have common values.
If you have a social hobby, it can be more likely you’ll meet people with common values, depending on the hobby.
I used to live by Griffith Park. I’d ask guys from dating site to do a bit urban hiking on weekend morning as meet and greet. I was training for cactus to cloud and mt. Whitney at the time. Every single one who said they love hiking was huffing and puffing, dying on trail with incline.
I typically date guys who are very active. I don’t feel bad that I am not at their level or don’t do what they do. I had done coast to coast in England and Italian Alps by myself. It’d be nice to do this type of trekking travel with a partner in the future, be it a friend or a BF.
I just moved to LA and miss hiking. I'd be open to meeting up for a hike!
الاتفاق على الاختلافات أهم بكثير من التقابل في المتشاركات ولو أدرك الإنسان ال mutual tolerance اللي قال عليه يبقى ريح واستريح في علاقته مع الآخر👍👏
“I like traveling” “me too”
Who doesn’t 😂
Great videos man. Really connect with the content as the way you present it is very factual and calm and just, this is the way it really is
I've always thought of "I like traveling" as "I have money."
@@peteranon8455 women love to travel because they don't pay for it. Men pay the bill.
I don't like to travel. I prefer to own dogs and spend time at home. Cooking, planting my garden, interior designing and building stuff.
Yes! I have been saying this for years.
So agree. I once heard a guy saying that his future wife HAS TO love skiing, and be great at this. C’mon, how many days a year they gonna be skiing? Where’s the rest?
Wonderfully seen and wonderfully said.
You blow my mind almost every ep thank you priceless info!
Whatever you hear from a dating partner can’t be taken at face value. You have to peel back the layers of subterfuge, diversion, and conveniently allowing you to be misled by your own assumptions. When dating I expressed the importance of being athletic and fit. I was given examples of sports engaged in in high school and a love of tennis. Their general body composition suggested fitness as a priority. I found out there’s a huge difference between someone who “likes to play tennis” and an athlete even if they are a really good tennis player. Someone who doesn’t like to sweat isn’t really an athlete even though they play tennis. Not sweating eventually won out over playing tennis and the sedentary nature of my young slender tennis player soon revealed itself as she evolved into a jumbo couch potato with the associated health problems. 🤦🏻♂️ 😭 Oh and I’m not sure after all this time if she even really likes me! 😂
wouldn't shared values be the basis of a relationship though? They don't change that often and I feel like when you don't share values, mutual tolerance simply isn't enough to hold a relationship together.
Only value that matters is treat yourself with kindness and treat others kindly. Don't go around disrespecting yourself or others.
Well, I think that if you don't have shared values, you will not tolerate the other person's interests. Values impact one's tolerance (as well as other things). So at the core of it is shared values. Values are distinct from interests
And to be fair, he wasn't saying these things to the exclusion of shared values. He was addressing interests specifically. His video wasn't supposed to address all things necessary to a relationship. And tolerance of interests is what is necessary. But shared values are also
@@patriot524 well, tolerance is one value. Tho I see it this way: shared interests is what makes you spend time together doing things you both like (altho if you just like each other so much, you can like spending time together even if you dont like doing this thing. personally there re many things I dont enjoy doing alone but enjoy doing with friends, for example), whereas shared values is what makes your lives aligned and allows you to have one common goal and plan for a successful relationship.
what i meant is that mutual tolerance is fine, and surely necessary, but I don't think it is enough for a good relationship to simply be able to tolerate each other. I'm sure people in loveless, sexless marriages tolerate each other as well, but that's honestly a really shitty way to live together.
You're right 👍.There is what we call " you " me "time. Partners are not always together on their own recreation or relaxation Esther Perrel said Space creates desire 😊 and that's true but not too long because absence also especially to women makes the heart forget.
I like those books on your back what's your favourite book, do you have ? I like your home too🤗🖐️
We are not compatible when it comes to travelling because I never set my mind to that, my mindset is that : I wanna break the chain of poverty from my family , I forgot my own desires for mySelf. I'm not sure if I don't like travelling because I can travel one place by seeing their photographs 😊.Is my life boring idk I can enjoy life through photography 🖐️🤗📸
Good morning Dr. O 🌄☕.
Love, Peace, Joy, Wisdom and Abundance to All 🙏
Very good point!!
Thank you so much, you are getting close to the 10K and after 100K. PS: you look absolutely handsome with your beard. :)
most of my women friends' "hobbies" are usually picked up from men who have been in their lives - fathers, brothers, lovers ...
I typically just add interests without discarding them--who just changes most of their interests and hobbies throughout their adults life?
your videos are so truthful
Nice.
I wonder if there is also something to be said about differentiating interests and compatibilities. For example, many people say "I like to travel", however, I am a digital nomad. At what point do we need to consider lifestyles and compatibilities that may overlap with interests?
50 years ago, my main interests were motorycles, shooting, hunting, backpacking, karate and a sweet, sexy, slender, beautiful young woman. Today, my interests are exactly the same. If a woman is not interested in Karate AND shooting, I'm not interested in the first date, much less any repeats.
Passion is different than just Action
Filtering for shared and or liked interest just means everyone is searching for the same person that likes to eat, travel and workout, so everyone is looking for a replica of themselves meaning they will just end up being friends or roommates, Your interests are your own, what you should be looking for are specific traits and characteristics in a potential partner, not what you enjoy doing on your own time, who said a man wants to have the same hobbies and interests with their spouse? I don't want my feminine, female partner to share all of my more masculine interests, men and women might just have more differences than we do similarities, but today every married man and women seem to be an identical carbon copy of each other...
long gone are the days of strong, independent men who have their own hobbies, interests and grounding of themselves as a man, and instead we see so many couples just becoming mirror images of one another, totally taking on a combined joint role for everything, doing everything together and going everywhere together and that often times means the man will become more feminine in that situation where the two are overly coupled, and the female can often times take on a more controlling masculine role, this is why modern day dads on mainstream TV and movies are all portrayed as some bumbling stumbling idiot that has no direction without guidance from the Alpha and controlling masculine wife...
الراجل ده بيقول كلام زي الفل 👏👏👏👏
Tolerance for something is practically same as being into that already so it is not really different from shared interests.
The issue is when people have different goals, like if woman wants family and children and man wants to have fun and freedom. then they will be complaining to each other that resources and effort is diverted into wrong direction.
Great stuff
It seems like this topic of people’s interests changing is for the “Don’t get married” category rather than “How to select dating partners” some good points to consider under both topics is guess
Oh my God lol, what if you're so very specific in your interests that it's a rarity to connect on that deep level it brings? I feel like it's important but I'm speaking as a huge music and art nerd.
Then you can be music and art friends.
Complementary difference i agree are better. Who wants to date the identical person, or dress alike. Being an individual and not losing self iidenitity is very important. He is correct
What I find interesting is that so many people view shared interests as an important dating metric these days. When I was starting to date decades ago, I was used to hearing people say opposites attract. It seems to me those days are gone since very few people understand what that truly means. I hope this new way of dating changes course soon because it's ruining relationships if you ask me.
It’s a more narcissistic approach, which says a lot
@@laurengalan2760 Absolutely, I definitely agree with that.
Great talk!
I often hear women say "what do you have in common with a 20 year old", a question for a man who wants to date a young woman. They will reference things like movies,tv shows, that your young female partner won't know about. These are people that have no idea what men want or they just playing dumb to discourage single guys from dating younger women. Knowledge of similar things in the same time period has zero bearing on dating. That's why it doesn't matter that a woman is from Afghanistan and doesn't know what Pokemon is.
You don't have to have lived during the Apollo Moon landings to become knowledgeable about the history.
My guess is shared interests is a good base from which to then get to know others eg enjoying the context and company to the activity - and possibly from knowing others to more positive chance of dating let alone a longer-term relationship.
Seems like the structure of this video is missing the "starting conditions" of people mingling successfully.
I like this guy information
Choosing people that mirror you is a sign of pathology.
Healthy people are attracted to those that complement them.
Shared values are highly overrated in a romantic relationship. Real compatibility comes when two different world come together and forms a single unit.
If everything is same between you and I than I already have myself, I don't need another me.
Obstruct and punish
Tolerate you and your passions..
Taught at school
Good idea.
What about teaching the mother's the fathers to before they have children..!
Love your podcasts
take care x
Thinking about this i just wonder: what if NOT sharing interest forces you to assert who you are and this, in turn, forces the other person to show their real character by showing they tolerate and respect you or not. It's not that sharing interests is bad but, if done in an avoiding tendency, it might just be a way to cover rotten stuff.
My wife of 34 years no longer has any shared interest with me. Sexless for 20 years (since she gave birth). Yes relationships change & most often for the worse. I can only tolerate her because of my wonderful side girlfriend of 17 years who keeps me loving life. My youngest graduates college next year & that is when I divorce my cold as ice wife.
Most guys I know will bring a woman along in the beginning (i.e Rock climbing, biking etc), but rather do it with the guys only after enough time passes
These are helpful
If I enjoy fishing do I want to go fishing with a Man or with a woman?
@PsycHacks What are your thoughts about dating someone with different political opinions?
Silly example I have always loved to cook and my husband loves to be cooked for works beautifully. I actively dislike people being in my kitchen while I am cooking. People w ho know me say don’t go in the zone. So a fellow cooking enthusiast would be a bad fit
facts. if you're rich, you can be the most boring person ever and there will be women who will go for you.
Maybe dating FOR shared interests is weak, interests change. Dating because of shared interests is a gold standard. I play tennis and my last three LTR were with tennis players that I met during social tennis events. You're there to play tennis but there is a lot of talking, laughing and socializing after the matches. It is easy to see someone act themselves over time.
True
So basically don't just talk about what you value, but why, how it makes you feel, what do you get from it..
I'm very interested in the Occult; I'm obsessed with going to Seances something that historically become very popular during the Victorian period. I love history in particular United States history going back to the roaring 20's. I have visited New Orleans, LA a lot and learned about American history in particular prostitution being legal from 1897 to 1917 in a section of New Orleans called Storyville. Haha! Even got to see historical pictures of the women who would service the men. lol There is nothing like going to an estate sale on the weekends, love to travel and go wine tasting, love Opera and Boardway shows. All admit that I have pretty unique interest and I don't think the average man would be into them. So, it's very important to find someone who at least shares half of my interest. I'm not sure how the relationship would workout otherwise.
Because he just said it’s more chemistry and attraction and how you feel around the person. Second he stated most people move on from interests.
I’m going to be that guy. This is why woman remain stuck not finding relationships when the facts and information are presented to you and you just push back against it. Why not just be open to what he’s saying and try it before being closed off from what are facts. He’s not giving you an opinion to disagree or agree with.
@@ssing7113 Obviously, it's a no brainer you need to have some kind of chemistry and attraction towards the person, and it has to be mutual. But since my interest are unique and I've had them for well over 10 plus years. I do feel it's important for me personally to find someone who I can share some commonality with regards to interest. Obviously, I'm not going to date a conservative Christain who's interest is to go to Trump rallies in S. Florida. because we would probably be doing a lot of auguring. haha! I think there some assumptions on your part that I'm currently looking for a relationship, I'm not. Relationship finding is on the back burner for now. I'm also not closed off to what Dr. Orion is saying I don't always agree with him, but would it not be odd if I agreed with him on everything he said. Also, most of the married people I know have lots of the same interest. I can't tell you how many times people have said to me we met at some event we were both interested in etc.
Be obsessive over Jesus
@@worm_and_no_man I'm not into the Jewish man. But thanks 😊
Cool... I was born and raised in NOLA.
don't worry, nobody dates for shared interests they're just looking for someone hot to bonk. women try to form an artificial commonality with the guys they're attracted to by pretending to like what the dude likes in order to trick him into a positive association with her. she doesn't like your sports team she likes you.
People seem to hide behind those interests. If they didn’t have all those things they wouldn’t find each others company that enjoyable. Covid showed that.
sad that a video is needed for this common sense. he's so right. she's a woman not a man. you should have different interests n hobbies. just like i don't go shopping, most women's favorite hobby, with her
What do I think? I think you analyse every small detail too much to rationalist everything from the perspective where everything is a problem with a solution, a formula that needs to be balanced. Sometimes just do what feels good. Having shared interests feels good
Yeah but if you hate one of the oter person's interest and they like to talk about it a lot, you may eventually come to resent them.
There is no solid basis for a relationship.
I'm no longer interested in cypto or any of them for that matter if you are wondering.
If my ex understood this we would still be together.
Must love to travel 😆.
As man, if you look like Ashton Kutcher or Brad Pitt, no girl will ask you for your hobbies.
Spoken like a true avoidant.
holy shit, I wanna send this to my ex-husband soooo badly lol
I just decided that i will tolerate your endless whining for subscriptions - because the rest of your content is so thought stimulating.
Be quiet and subscribe! 😂
I disagree, my interests still hold into the same sphere.
As a 30 year old I still like reading Fantasy, Sci Fi, music, spending time with my friends, video games, etc.
After dating a girl with whom we had mutual attraction and shared set of values, I would say ti is dificult if not impossible to hold onto that relationship because there will not be friendship.
You can have a romantic relationship, a sexual relationship and a friendly relationship all with the same person, because you are not romantic, sexual or friendly all the time nor should you.
Again is not that its one thing or the other, you need to have all 3 of them, romance, sex and friendship.
That's why all Elon Musk relationships have failed. He chases after hot women who like the same books and writers he's into. That's how Amber Heard got into Johnny's life and his.