Coming Out Later In Life
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- Опубліковано 11 чер 2024
- ‘Coming Out’ later in life can sometimes feel as if there are more barriers in the way of you being your true self. It is also important to remember that coming out later in life brings advantages, as you can trust your lived experience. Dr. Marshall Bewley, Licensed Psychologist discusses tips for LGBTQIA people who come out later in life.
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#comingout #lgbt #nevertoolate #onlinetherapy #dentontx #lgbtqia
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I came out at 65 and found my tribe. I've never been happier. I loved my wife but lost her after 44 years of marriage when she passed away. I told her 15 years ago that I am gay but didn't violate our monogamy.
I admire your honesty & bravery, as I’m in a similar situation, having lost my wife of 48 years, but I’m too much of a coward to come out for fear of losing my family.
@@larry181greenit’s not healthy to choose the gay lifestyle, it’s best you ignore it
You should have stayed faithful to her even after she passed
I have been gay all of my life but hid it for many years I was dating an older man that was 47 plus years older than me. He was almost 80 and I was 32 when we met. we were together 13 years and sadly he passed away in November 2017 8 days after his 93rd birthday I miss him dearly. In August and September of last year, I finally came out to my family and friends at 51 years of age. The love and support I received gave me tears of joy. I have never been happier and now I can be true to who I am. #beproudofwhoyouare
I came out at 45
Met a great guy and we have been together for 19 years
Struck gold the very first time!!!
You guys have no idea how helpful these conversations are for someone like me. I'm surrounded by a heterosexual world. I find these stories extremely educational.
I came out this year at 62 and I have never felt so lonely
I came out almost 5 years ago at 56 and feel you. I was afraid because exactly for that reason.
My main problem is I live in a very small Scottish village and I know no one buy fingers crossed things can only get better.i hope it does for you to
Why? Did previous friends abandon you? If so, they weren't good friends anyway. Get out there and meet people. They don't have to be gay. Join some groups with shared interests. Don't let being gay define you; it's just one part and, honestly, nobody's business. If you are in a small, conservative town, maybe spend some time in a bigger city. Best regards from Indiana!
since i was 13 yrs old my parents suspected i was gay, thanks my father was a marine sailor and had a lot of experience in multiple ways of live around the world, he understood everything and never ever say a word about my gay way of live,,,, they were very respectful about my friends and my nitelife in havana.... 1959 to 1978 when i left cuba, due to the way they understood me, all my extended family was the same... they did not talk about the issue.... i have been lucky... very lucky not to suffering like a lot of young ways in the world.....
Thank you! Came out at 45, 10 years ago. Great advice! I'd suggest also be forgiving of yourself. Your previous life was valid too
I came out to family late in my life. I never told my parents . They both passed away and that’s the only thing I regret, not telling them. They were great parents but I did not know how they would take my being gay. I have a family with 3 children all are in their 30’s now I came out to them a few years ago, over all it went good. They love me and I love them. I have the best gay friends from all areas of the world , besides here in America I have met friends and have friends from Nicaragua, Cuba, Dominican Republic, Mexico, Porto Rico, and Brazil etc. I would never , I believe would have meet and be friends unless I came out. Life is a journey and life is short, I thank God every day for my friends I am truly blessed
Ronald Watford - I truly am glad you found happiness in your life. The fact that you have countless friends and family acceptance. I hope you have been kind and understanding of your wife the mother of your children. Do I sound a bit taken back? I am seems the last thing a husband does is consider his wifes feelings or the state of her life/health. Please think of her. Jesus is Love
I came out at 70. Never too late, but 50 years earlier would have been nicer if it hadn’t been illegal in many ways. Be happy for the freedom and general acceptance we have now.
I know exactly what you mean. I am 70 yrs. old this year. And the 1970s were hell to live through as a 'queer' as we were called then. I prayed to know why I was that way, and through the years found out how many there were even in high school I didn't know about! I am happy with life now.
I have to disagree with ‘never too late’. Queer life is brutal for those not blessed with youth and preferably youth plus good looks, and being ‘out’ as an old ugly ( objectively and not just subjectively) man is a barren bleak landscape to dwell in. I am 66 now and my body bares the physical scares of homophobia - misshaped nose, cracked teeth and a large patch of missing hair that was torn out at 15. Life now for young queer folks may in some places be less brutal, but let’s not fool ourselves ‘queer bashing’ is still common. Older gay men have to face prejudice from both straight and queer society and dare I say it, queer prejudice is more toxic.
@@sfilkins2009 I know what you mean about the gay life in the 70's I lived that time to. I was still in the closet back then as I kinda am now. I just can't find a good gay guy even now and I am in my 70's now and I still can't find anybody that can help me even today because most people still don't like gay people and I just wish that would change.
I didn't come out until I was 47. A major problem: When I was a teenager, I was sent to counselors who told me "Stop acting like a sissy" and to a psychiatrist who didn't advise me of her conclusion that I was gay, but just told my parents to get a different doctor. This happened even though I grew up in San Francisco - one of the three cities (along with NYC and LA) where LGBTQ activism began. 🌈
I am so sorry for you guys that had to go through life not realizing you were gay from the start or were forced to be straight or just didnt realize due to the times. I was born in the 80s so there was stigma, but I still got to be me for the most part. I'm wishing you guys all of the best and happiness 😊
I came out to only people I was happy and trust. To those who opposed LGBT and/or questioned me were "dead" to me. We still talk, however I will NEVER let them into my life nor do I care for theirs (moving on is healthy). Im confident enough to control my life and have fun choosing who I most trust. Life is too short and too fun to be stressing about those haters.
I came out at 25. I had a full life, but i am 60 and lonely as ever. I have a neurological disease and will die. Friends that I've known for 25+ years have left. 😢
The problem is not in what he's advising. It is the healthiest advice I have heard from a therapist. I had one or two therapists/psychologists/psychiatrists, don't remember which they were, I've had several through my life, that more or less made me feel very much ashamed of myself. Things have improved a lot since when I was a kid/teen (I want to joke and say back in 1847, indicating we've come a long way).
I came out when I was 40. I spent my early life being afraid of being isolated and rejected. I also did everything that was expected of me. When I did come out all was mostly ok and I was loved,m.
❤️
I'm 44... and I'm still struggling with this. Never came out to my parents, coworkers or even the few "friends" I've had. I was supposed to come out when I was 28... but just when I was about to, when I thought I was ion the top of the world, and an HIV+ diagnosis (I was in deep denial too, I got to the Aids phase. Not great, not great at all) stomped through all my selfsteem, crushed all my hopes. Why I should come out when no one gonna accept me because I was HIV+?
Those two things kept me deep in my closet. True, I never dated or shown interest on any women, and that may be have given away my sexuality years ago, but I spent my whole 30s hiding. I always thought that everyone, either gonna reject me because they're homophobes (which may or may not be true) and use my sexuality against me, or even if I find another gay guys, they wouldn't even look at me being HIV+ . I've been dealing with deep depression and suicide thoughts for a decade, even longer.
Maybe this year is different. I'm getting older and I'm starting to not care about what others think, but I lack of a support net, in fact, If I come out to my family I could be probably on the streets (I'm not quite sure, they know I'm HIV+ and supported me since my diagnosis. But coming out... after that diagnosis was a major hit. My confidence is still on the floor) so I'm thinking to take baby steps, starting with them and then, maybe jump out to dating apps... I'm so out of touch of what should be dating, or finding someone for sex, let alone a boyfriend. Well, being honest, I'm not boyfriend material either.
It feels so lonely now.
There is no true self. I am certain I would be a very different person to who I am now if I had had love and companionship through my 20s, 30’s, 40’s up to my now, 66. You lose the chance to be your authentic self if life’s ‘natural’ course is blocked or diverted. Life is a learnt skill and if you missed out on that early learning you can never recover your true self, only an approximation. Of course that may to fine for many and I’m happy for them, but let’s not fool ourselves.
so hard to focus on this video
because I'm drowning
in trauma and stress
and rage and grief and shame,
and overall emotional pain...
I wish great suffering on those that I loathe.
may they suffer, intense and overwhelming suffering...
I knew I was gay at age 10. My twin brother and father were both gay but they suppressed it with alcohol. My father would fly to California specifically San Francisco to go to gay bars. My brother would have secret affairs with men. Both my brother and my father were macho so imagine my shock when everything imploded.
Hello, thank you so much for sharing your story. You are truly a man after my own heart, the problem is I lack a support system? I guess I spent too many of my years working on my degrees and just being a professional student, that I never really developed that support base. I have my straight friends, but I would like the support of like minded peers. I feel out of step with these young guys? This is why I kind of regret coming out? Be well and stay safe. Alex from LA
Well Alex, it's not impossible to find a "support system" (circle of friends) from among older gay men -- even ones who have little experience with gay relationships. We're all around. Online appears to be the best way to meet.
34 straight married finally came out to me last year and unfortunately to my wife. Its was 💔 but i don't have to have a watcher in my mind that filters my sexuality out. 🌈
I'm 27, and I want to come out to my parents as I still live with them.
@anshuchoudary5081 Are you in India or the US ? I ask because there will be information from Gay Support Services on 'How to Come Out Safely to my Parents and Family'. With some cultural variations for each country. > If you have not shown interest in girlfriends etc then they will already have an idea about your sexual orientation. > Any information and support you access will help you to respectfully navigate the feelings of your parents. Things such as • giving them time and space to process the information • providing them with a leaflet or website ('When my son is gay') • Respecting their feelings about telling grandparents and other family members • showing them some online Indian 'Coming Out Stories' • let them know if there are local social and support groups for parents. Something like PFLAG = Parents and Friends of Lesbians And Gays. > Good luck! Be patient and kind. Remember, you may have known your sexual identity for 13 years or so. But it may be new to your parents, and something of a shock. It's not uncommon to hear gay men report that it took their parents 3 or 4 years to truly accept and feel at ease with their orientation. Of course, this doesn't change all the things your parents know and love about you from bringing you into this world and raising you. 😊
I'm 57 never came out as yet
Thank you for posting this video. I am going to save it and come back to it for encouragement. I have started to come out at 54 and it has been hard. My closest friends won't talk to me anymore. I have lost my faith community. My marriage to my wife is in trouble and I am scared about the future. But I have a good therapist and am starting to make affirming friends outside the church. But is hard and sometimes I don't know if I have the courage to do it or if I have the right to be out.
Too bad your environment turns its back on you. Stupid too. For straight people NEVER realize that us gays don’t mind them being straight. So why do they mind that someone, their friend!, is gay….. you’re the same man, only one part they did not know about you. As if you know all their parts!
This is what i tell a lot of people. I want them to realize how shortsighted they are. There’s nothing wrong with being gay, there’s nothing wrong with being straight. Stop making such a fuss about a minor human aspect 😳
You’ll be fine, don’t let ‘them’ judge you! Good luck, says a 57y old who came out at 41
I thought he was going to disclose his experience coming out.
I am more like Mr Anderson below. I have never felt so lonely in my life.
Hey everyone, I added a new video since so many of you connected with this. Thanks for the support!
ua-cam.com/video/atMFKveYE8c/v-deo.html
Super attractive Dr!
As a gay person, be aware of a cruel form of bullying that can occur in a predominantly heterosexual environment. Women/individuals may try to humiliate a (gay) male about 'inability of performance' with members of the opposite sex (play 'psychological rape' games) or infer that a male is making 'unwanted advances' at them. This can have the effect of displacing an unsuspecting person into another psychological position, labelling them a 'sexual failure'. The motive may be connected with the female trying to align herself to a perceived sexual liberalism over a 'repressed' male. It may also allow a bully to arbitrarily nominate another individual as being 'gay', over the victim, to lend plausibility to their behaviour. In academic circles, more sophisticated bullies may impose a pre-set hierarchy of other minority groups, over a gay male. They may only select case-studies or people which fit their own narrative. Steer clear of discussions about (hetero) relationships 'outside of marriage', or pregnancy. These topics are on a hidden trip-wire. Another ploy may include verbally quashing use of modern terminology like 'homophobia'.
Due to the sometimes closeted nature of gay social venues, this activity can take place off-camera, rendering it invisible. People have their own agendas in life, and you can't assume anything as being read. Have your mental pencil sharpened.
One thing I've noticed now that gay men are more 'visible' in the media is that they are referred to as boys. I've never heard any of them comment on it; why do people call them that, and is it acceptable or offensive?
@@peterc.1618 With the trend in people deciding to be openly 'gay' in society or the media to represent sexual diversity, there may be an accompanying risk. The term 'boy' seems to imply a certain immaturity associated with teenagers, compared to a (married) heterosexual male who represents the accepted, 'mature' standard. It all depends on the degree of malice of the perpetrator, and whether they are specifically attacking an individual, or using the term in a milder, more generalised way. Internet videos about gay people can sometimes give a false sense of parity to heterosexual relations. The worst-case scenario is the one I've tried to describe; it dates from a past time period, where the psychological basis of 'gay identity' wasn't recognised, or was ignored in favour of the bully's own agenda. Use set terminology like, 'that's sexual orientation' to combat a malicious person. Identify rude behaviour, of any nature quickly, and match it 'like with like'. Also be aware of the 'reverse' psychological positioning of gay women over a gay male, or where they have relations with males. If left unchecked, a bully will try to do a complete turnaround on the situation. This type of bullying can occur at any point in time, even after a person has analysed their sexual identity.
@@peterc.1618 I have a former teacher who refers to me as that sweet boi, and I'm almost 40...I'm definitely annoyed by it.
@@Clintsessentials My grandmother would sometimes call me by my dad's name despite the obvious age difference. Not quite as (unintentionally) demeaning as "sweet boi" though.
Im in Denton!
I am 70 and how can I do anything that will mean anything good.
I question the whole concept of “coming out” to others!! If I can accept myself as lgbtq, why do I need to announce it to others?
That's very reasonable. To me, it's not about announcing your orientation to others but being sure you are being genuine to yourself. For instance, it's more about coming out in a heteronormative world where often times heteronormativity is placed onto LGBTQ individuals. For instance, you can accept yourself but you may be confronted with 'coming out' with your identity when others perceive you as heterosexual and/or don't recognize your identity.
Kewal yes bro you need to be feel yourself i would feel so fake when i kept hiding you need to be yourself bro
I wish you were a Canadian Psychologist it’s sooo hard to find one in Canada. I work for the government of Canada so my insurance pays 90%
You have to be sincere to yourself, in the least and in this most important of issues. Your arousement. If you cant because the environment does not allow, prepare for dementia.
and/or violence.
I came out in my 40s
Hello Dr 😍
☺️
Btw, have you come out yourself? Just wonder. Do share with us when n how if the answer is yes. Could be interesting to know. Tx
Dr. Marsall is cute
Greetings from Indonesia. Love you Marshall
Interesting to listen to your podcast. The music which is being played over what your talking about I found too loud and distracting .
😍😍😍
i see noreason to come out for singing on roofs iam pretty very pretty and happy and gayyyyy
it is very american to disclose his intimate life
I need to.move to texas
i watched over 1000 coming out videos but i can never come out in here in sri lanka😢😢🌈🌈🌈
I’m sorry but you are right that each culture is different. Even if you cannot come out, remember your identity is valid.
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You can find future phone consultation appointments here. (Currently, there are none available). drmarshallbewley.clientsecure.me/request/location
hello.salam.know from Indonesia
Why DR. AND PhD? Isn't that like saying "The two twins?"
Yes ... but perhaps to make clear he is not a medical doctor (MD).
Didn't hear a thing he said. Focus on counseling lesbians coming out cause every guy is going fall for you instantly.
I don't like the idea of "coming out" or "in the closet" these are all insulting words/phrases that mocks being a homosexual. I prefer to let people know, if they ask me, not the other way around of "advertising" your sexuality. Straight people don't do it, so why should we be the exception? Besides, my personal sexuality is no business for anyone to know.
33yo still single in closet 🤭😭😂
There is no set time, so be compassionate and patient with yourself.
@@PsychologistOnTheSquare thanks, maybe i should move abroad, cause here being gay Will be jail 😭
Why you need to make your sexual preferences and behaviors known to anyone is beyond many.
I would offer that the term "sexual preference" is typically used to suggest that being lesbian, gay or bisexual is a choice and therefore can and should be "cured." Sexual orientation is the accurate description of an individual's enduring physical, romantic and/or emotional attraction to members of the same and/or opposite sex and is inclusive of lesbians, gay men, bisexuals, as well as heterosexual men and women
@@patricksweeney5308 thanks for your perspective. For me, I see it from the lens of how it’s often been used as an argument in reparative or conversion therapy....that if it’s a preference it can be stopped. That’s why I take the lens of using language to ensure others cannot use language to hurt LGBT+ people.
Whether it could be or should be cured is irrelevant. It is like everything else in child development a learned behavior. To deny that fact is to deny ones accountability for one's own actions regardless of the behavior in question.
@@rikkr1307 -- That's silly. That's like saying that eating solid food is a "learned behavior" from childhood and we could all just go on living on mother's milk our whole lives.
Sexual orientation is not a "learned behavior"; it is innate. It exists even if the person chooses to be celibate. It cannot be changed. (Although if a person finds themselves attracted to both genders, then they are bisexual.)
One has to assume that your insistence that homosexuality is a "learned behavior" and can be "untaught" stems from a belief that homosexuality is unnatural and "wrong" or "bad." If so, readers should realize that 98% of human behavior scientists disagree with that opinion, as do all scientific studies of the last 50 years.
RIk R, your accountability is about not judging others unless you are in their shoes. You’ve no idea what makes people gay so stop pretending like you know it all. Typical brainwashed zealot.
it sucks, never found "my tribe", never found my people or support, the gay community was NO help at all,
We are not born straight.😢
I came out at 69, 4 years ago. Support doesnt seem real, every gay I meet doesnt have social skills.