Psychology of Lending and Borrowing Money
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- Опубліковано 13 лип 2022
- Here is Shakespeare’s line (from Hamlet) about lending and borrowing: “Neither a borrower nor a lender be; For loan oft loses both itself and friend.”
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My dad said you shouldn't loan money to people. GIVE them the money, or don't, but never loan.
Smart.
Yes, good advice.
I find that the more you help someone the more they become dependent on you for help. If you lend someone money, more often than not they will take even less responsibility with their finances because they know that if they run out they can always come to you. Sometimes refusing to help people is actually what will help them the most. Of course there are exceptions.
Such good insight on so many different points of borrowing & lending money! I heard Dave Ramsey say never to loan money to anyone, but to instead only give it as a gift. That way you’ll be fine emotionally if you don’t get it back because it was a gift to begin with… there’s no pressure & you’ll be in a position to comfortably be without the money, as you said it would be surplus. I appreciate you going deep on this subject! Very good.
He's right, BUT I have rationalised by telling myself exactly this. Whether I admitted it to myself or not, secretly I knew that I was enabling...and, sooner or later, resented people for not returning the favour in some way. So just just emotional & mental gymnastics to get around NO. I suspect that 99% of people here would do the same.
I went thru the similar ordeal. I wanted to help people in need but then I got burned by their dishonesty. I brushed it off and I learned my lesson. I don’t care about the money just the principle of returning it. I had started to say ‘No’ and people got angry 😅
Everything you said in this video is true.
Thank you for sharing this! Daniel
It's amazing how, with all the work I have done on myself, I can still so easily open my mouth say a very confident NO, but yes will come out.
It's an addiction - which has nothing to do with helping people. It's purely about soothing my own guilt and shame - and as I say yes I'm acutely aware of it. I know very well that my enabling will damage them as much as it will me.
You hit the nail right on the head when you mentioned that the people who ask for money almost never take any meaningful look at their own psychology.
Never take another person's journey away from them!
Why would you feel guilt or shame about not lending a person who you know isn’t gonna pay it back money? Funnily enough if you do lend them money you feel guilt and shame anyway.
@@pod9363 yes but thats how toxic guilt and shame work...there is no rationale for it..its just this weird thing that you feel undeserving so kind of feel this weird onus to give to those who you perceive have less than you because you somehow do not deserve it or might assuage your guilt by giving to someone in need or who apparently is more "deserving"...at least thats how its worked for me..and I thought that what this poster might be saying too..? its a trauma response essentially and a self defeating behaviour
What you said about how people who borrowed money by trying to leverage your sympathy reminded me a little of when my parents borrowed not my money but my integrity from me in my 20s.
My father, was a software engineer who kept losing his job because he couldn't get on with his colleagues. He was applying for another job which had a programming test. He didn't want to do it and he got my mother to persuade me to do it for him and cheat as I was now a better engineer in many ways. She played the same card, saying that I could refuse if I want, but the family would run out of money and that they were desperate. So I did. I gave them my integrity as a person. Then it turned out he wasn't fully committed to trying to get the job anyway and it all fell through. They'd taken and squandered my sense of integrity.
Looking back, it was a big reason why I broke away from them permanently. They were going to ask me to do and to give them things that I didn't want to, but didn't have the heart to say no to
Thank you for sharing this, Henry. Very interesting. Daniel
If you want maintain the friendship, never let a promise to repay suffice. When people gave me their word that they would repay, they usually did not. The important thing is to get it in writing. That preserves the friendship, & they will always pay it back, because in the back of their minds they know you can take them to small claims court.
That's not a bad idea, except the fellow I loaned the money to is in a different country... But I still could have done it. All of this is food for thought for me... Thank you. Daniel
In high school I had a girlfriend who took money out from an ATM, turned around, held it in the air and counted it out in a flashy manner. She was Jamaican and kind of boisterous and flashy. In about an hour, she was freaking out that her money was gone out of her bag and now she couldn't afford her rent. She was crying and losing her mind. I was working two jobs to keep a roof over my head at age 15. I warily lent her the $200 and she swore up and down that she'd pay me back. We'd been school friends for 2 years and that was a lot of money to me. However, shortly after I gave it to her, she then began trying on clothes at the mall we were at and bought a nice jacket that she didn't need. I didn't feel so good then but I didn't say anything. The next day, she didn't come to school. She literally bought a bus ticket and left town and I never heard from her again.
only 200 dollars and you got rid of a fake ass snake.plus she seems lie a coward
What did her being jamaican have to do with anything
@@thebeigesheep6132 why not
It’s important to the writer, plus details like that I used a Jamaican accent wen I read the rest of the story
LOL 🤣🤣🤣@@marleyjanim5033
In 1971 Mary Ellen Fitzgerald borrowed $1 from me and never paid me back. Still remember it until today. She taught me a valuable lesson.
Daniel, most people just doesn't care, about anything, themselves, others, there are no friends, never was
I keep thinking about this video the past few weeks. So much of it sums up my history of suffering in this world. I think the distorted behaviour of lending and borrowing correlates with the distorted bonds between parents and children. My conclusion is that pathologically narcissistic parents often train their children to become pathological feeders to their parents narcissism, and in turn to feed many other narcissists later in life. My parents have watched me get taken advantage of many times in life and never stopped it, because they like me that way for themselves also. It’s so hard to face that pain after facing so much other pain, but I think it’s one of the final hurdles to cross in breaking free. It is hard learning how to trust from scratch, but I know I have to figure out appropriate and reliable ways to trust in the next part of the journey, because I can see now the old way was entirely deranged, and I cannot be in denial anymore about it, as the power of that denial is what kept me vulnerable for so long.
Such a timely video for me. I recently loaned money to someone and he's asking me for more because his old debts (he'd never told me about before) had caught up with him. While I care about him I don't think I can do it again, not even because I might not get it back, but out of principle, I think he's taking an easy way out instead of considering other, harder options. I also think he doesn't care about me the same way and maybe even the friendship started because of money? It would be a good topic for a video about how money changes the dynamics - do people see you more as an ATM when they borrow or what is it about? They're so desperate to meet their basic needs that they don't care about others or they're ashamed of their flaws that the friendship gets more superficial? I don't know what it is but there's something at play here.
Its terrible when you lend or give money through guilt..or doing anything through guilt..I get it though,its hard when you think someone could be "saved"if only you helped them out.But I really think we have to give from a place that also does not harm us or make us feel guilty or left feeling used or abused or taken for granted.Its hard when we might be naturally given to giving but as you say we must be careful its not coming from a place of insecurity or need in us to feel needed or valued.
Many times I have given to others not only money but also an empathy or understanding that I only wish I had been giving to myself.....I probably in some misdirected sense thought it would be reciprocated so my giving was not without its agenda or attachment to outcome.
I think its always good to give whether money or anything else from a place of fullness and abundance and definitely not when we ourselves are running on empty..it can leave you feeling even more depleted rather than restored or good for having done something apparently "good".
Totally agree. Running on empty and trying to dole out any kinda support is hell.
Funnily enough when I was broke and begging for money, I was so pissed a friend didn’t trust me with 400 bucks. Now that I totally hit rock bottom and now have enough saved to last me almost a year, I’m glad he never gave it to me.
I think it was Cormac McCarthy that said “we only really ever learn anything the hard way”. I get it now. It’s one thing to logically get why having a savings is preferable, it’s another thing to know the dread and hopelessness of sleeping in the cold.
These last couple of years of plandemia madness has taught me a few things- one of which was to ditch my mortgage and disengage from that slavery system. I sold my house in the city suburbs and with the little I had, bought 9 acres in the bush and have a tiny home to go on it. It's been a pretty severe learning curve, the off grid journey, but it's better than supporting the parasitic banks. Thanks for sharing Daniel.
aplaud you! Solarroof and self-sustainability, think Tesla?
@@particleconfig.8935
Thanks. No just 2nd hand house panels and good old lead acid batteries. There's less flexibility when going with a brand like Tesla, I'd rather not be giving them my money.
@@carl8568 understood, kinda like Apple brand :) closed ecosystem. I guess you're enjoying there in nature and autonomy, good for you bro
@@particleconfig.8935
Yes, exactly like Apple. Thanks 🙏
An older guy I knew lent me money when I was much younger. I never had my act together enough to pay it back before we lost contact, so eventually I gave the same amount to another friend who needed it (I told him it wasn’t mine so he could thank the universe and pay it on). He died, but used the money to digitize a series of talks that are still on UA-cam.
People often don't realize, or seem to care at times, that when you are loaning money you are putting your hand out for them. It's trust, vulnerability, and respect that you are holding outward. If there's always an excuse, or you pretend it never even happened, it's not "just" 50, 20, or even 5 dollars. You are telling me that the aforementioned things are not valued by you over that small gain.
You seem to a balanced, realistic approach to borrowing or lending money. If you lend, be prepared for it to be a gift.
That wouldn't have been a friend in the first place... If they truly intended to rip you off.
Sadly, I agree...
I learned something about myself probably more than 10 years ago, that I was prone to giving or lending people stuff with the hopes that they’d like me more, or continue being my friend. I realized people in my life weren’t my friends, they were just people who were around and they were using me. After having to buy the same book several times (many times various books multiple times) cause I lent them out to people who I thought were friends and then they’d lose it, or “forget” I’d lent it to them (even though my name was in it) and when borrowed money never got paid back, I understood that I needed to stop. Give gifts if I really wanted to, otherwise the answer was No. I don’t lend money to people, I either have it to give with no expectations or I don’t. My parents only gave things to me for the control it felt it gave them over me. At the end when you said your father paid for your college and then felt entitled to have control over your life, I felt that deeply. That was how every gift, every time they’d give me money, my entire life, from the time I was a child. They were horrible with money, completely irresponsible, couldn’t keep jobs, fear of being homeless and a few times were staying with relatives, and as a kid it was always “we give you/do for you so much, you are ungrateful if you disobey our every command, if you are anything but what we say you should be.” At one point when I was 8 they blamed me for them filing for bankruptcy, because they wanted to give me everything they didn’t have as kids, which I didn’t ask for, and clearly as I got older I realized that wasn’t the case, they spent money frivolously and gave money away to religious entities with the hope “god” would give them more. 🙄 the rest of my family were in debt or gave “gifts” with strings attached. Even at this point in my life I don’t like getting gifts. I don’t trust people’s intentions with gifts. They just make me uncomfortable because I’m supposed to react as if I love it even if I’m just kinda meh about it, I have to fake it. The best gift I’ve ever gotten that meant the most to me was my husband’s first anniversary gift. He spent months getting in touch with my favorite author and got my two favorite books personally autographed to me (hardbacks even). It’s the most thoughtful thing anyone has ever given me. It was unexpected and didn’t feel like strings were attached. It was a gift from someone who was observant of me because he wanted to give me something I’d love. That’s what I try to do for others.
Hardback is the shiz nit
Man your timing is always so uncanny- each video/new video I come across is something I'm going through or have been ruminating upon. Really grateful for this channel, always fun to hear you.
I've been burned most times I've lent money. I also have a friend that always offers to lend me money, and I've never taken it. We've been friends now for 35 yrs. All those others, I don't know anymore. It's true that it will ruin a friendship. Basically if you lend money, you're just paying an exit fee .
It’s plain and simple. You know when you’re dealing with a person who will “pay it back” or not
Also this really isn’t about money. It’s about feelings of guilt and shame. Which is codependency and childhood wounding.
You know when you give someone money and you’re ok or not. That’s the lesson is either being ok to give someone money and not complain about it. Or giving it and feeling ok about it. There is no right or wrong but how you feel about the situation and if you’re ok with it. That’s all that matters
You are similar to me, very intelligent and sensitive and an over-thinker for better or worse. I consider it as a gift and a curse that I’m slowly removing by going to a place my father tried to escape. I like how you have choose to be authentic to yourself, and that demands so much energy, so sending you virtual hugs as an extra boost.
I think we like to think that money is something that can really help people, but all too often we learn that money is not what people _really_ need, hence this can lead to a lot of mixed feelings. Money is such a complex thing, because it can lead to both production and destruction, simultaneously.
One thing that bugs me however is why in the world are you friends with someone who gleefully doesn’t pay back huge sums of money he owes people?
That’s their worth
Phenomenal video. I’m also in the same position. I want to pay my student loans after I become a therapist as fast as I can and be an independent entity as well. It’s taken a lot of healing and self care and ultimately hard work to no longer take out loans and take care of my debts.
Thanks Jonathan.
The thing to say is I care about our friendship too much to lend you money. This was very thought provoking. I hope he pays you back. In the back of my mind I don't trust the other guy because although he didn't steal from you he would have if you had said yes.
Yes, thank you. I'm certainly learning from this experience.
I am so so grateful to have come across your channel Daniel. You speak to transparently, your thoughts are so well articulated and your thoughts are so honest and helpful. You lead with bravery and humbleness and that is a very rare human trait these days. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts.
Ah, the perils of rich people, ones I’ll never have😁😁for sure watching my “dad” buy “ friends”/ puppets/“security” gave me great disdain for other rich people, prostitutes/ puppets and money itself and everything it buys. I think my dad hates that, cause that removes the competition that rich people need to stay rich and feel entitled/control people.
Can you please make a video on "bad spending." I'm curious as to why people put themselves in such perilous situations with their lavish spending.
I believe so much of it is emotional regulation.
Daniel, as one of your most faithful supporters, you know I'll pay you back . . . could you lend me just enough to get me through this summer, my friend??? : D Thank you for an excellent and thorough scan of all the ins and outs and both sides now of the Lending/Borrowing scenes!! I've been on the Lending end too many times, and have lost the loan, felt the guilt, etc. The child and parent shadows are indeed all over these interactions. A future reprise of the topic would hold lots of promise, I bet.
I live in Canada where you are conditioned to rely on borrowed money. The borrower is always slave to the lender unless the borrower is a thief.
The debt slavery system is a worldwide thing.
Creating stress and stressful lifestyles to distract from real issues is spot on. You are fabulous everything you say rings true for me I am so happy to have found your channel. Much Love and Light X
Oh no! Wow the notification for this video really grabbed me fascinating topic.
You, dear Daniel, are beyond "useful". You are the best role model any of us could hope to have. 🙏
You and Aaron Clarey’s views on saving money are literally the reasons I’m not broke today. Before I learned about this “island of safety” that’s necessary for healing I was living paycheck to paycheck having had taken “arbitrary” distance from my FOO. It hadn’t occurred to me that the healing I was after needed more than just physical safety in my life. It’s interesting how easily my mind shifted to “save-money-mode” once I got that nugget of advice. Like someone flipped a switch and now it’s my primary goal.
I actually can now see why a friend didn’t wanna lend me money when I was broke. If I’m broke, but have a full time job making 13/hr and my bills aren’t that big to begin with, it makes sense that he’d think the main driver of me being broke wasn’t my money but what I did with the money I had. Like lending money to someone who spends it stupidly. Basically it’s like if they have to ask for money, chances are they have bigger issues than being short on cash.
Could you explain the psychology of lending and returning books. I have lost books never returned even after asking numerous times.
Or why you remember that friend's birthday, but they never remember yours, even after a lifetime of knowing them.
If you go to uni here, Australia, you build up a HECS debt. In this system the government loans you the money. You have to earn a certain amount, there is a threshold, before you have to pay it back. Because of this some people never pay it back. Higher earners pay it back as soon as they start working. Unlike America there is no such thing as your parents 'putting you through college.' You pay for it yourself.
Money does not buy love but alot of sex and drugs to kill the pain.
I just found your channel thank you for your work it really helps to listen to how you break behaviors down.
This is 100% true. I had a so called friend a few years ago who constantly asked for money. He'd constantly struggle with paying the bills and putting food on the table. I thought it was temporary so I did give him money for a while. Then I realized that he never stopped asking. Every time I tried to say no he'd pull a manipulation tactic on me. When that didn't work he started being rude to me. Then one day I had enough and blocked him. Last time he tried to contact me he claimed he was homeless. I understand that people have struggles in life but at the end of the day if you constantly take from people and ask for favors you'll eventually end up with nothing.
Thanks a lot. I lend some money to some female friend of mine in January and she said she would give it in February back, but since then she answered only to one messenger message, now she doesn't even look at my messages even she is online. I really feel that I am paying back the emotional debt their parents owe her. I feel mixed feelings of anger for ignoring me and not wanting to have anything to do with such a person even the money is lost. On the other side, maybe such a person just needs to be for me there as a reminder what type of people are there
Thank you for sharing this Veruc. I appreciate it. It speaks to me. Daniel
I think good riddance she is not a true friend disrespecting you like this
Came back to this after someone surprisingly asked me for a loan today. Great addition with the Shakespeare too:)
Here are some tips for people
1. If they ask you for money say you don't have it to give it and you have your money tied up in assetts etc and don't have the capacity to give it out
2. Say you don't lend money to anyone. I always say money and friendships don't mix. If they stop being your friend then you have your answer already and good riddance
3. Tell them that's what banks are for, loans, not you. If you lend money and they don't repay it you can't repossess items where as a bank can.
Just think of it this way, your money is your time and they are basically saying your time and sacrifices don't count in life and their needs are more important than yours. You are also enabling them. Ask yourself have they made the effort to help themselves, if the answer is no..then one small loan is not going to do anything in the long run. They need to change their behaviours and relationship with money. Why should you be eating rice and chicken all month to get to your goal and they are buying designer things, going out to dinner blowing their money and now they want you to sacrifice for them? No way, it's so bloody selfish if you ask me and I don't want a friend like that anyhow.
Erich Fromm said, in order to learn say yes you must learn to say no
Delicate subject..thank you for this analysis. Something similar happened to me with my father - paid for my college degree, but gave me the silent treatment for nearly 4 years for not choosing the major he wanted me to choose. Would only speak to me to low key insult me or tell me what a disappointment I was..such fun. Personally, I almost never lend money, unless it's small sums. Also very rarely have borrowed, again, unless it was small sums...like a bus ticket's price or something, and always paid it back. I feel uncomfortable with people who offer to pay stuff for me, like I have this friend I went out to dinner and movies with a few times, and she kept taking care of the bill, insistently...I know she theoretically makes considerably more money than me, but that doesn't justify this..I wonder what you'd think of people like this. Like I once bought movie tickets for both of us and she insisted I take the money for the ticket, but then insists to takes care of the bill when we eat wtf. It makes me feel indebted. I guess she might see it as a favor because I helped her with some information - not material things. Still makes me feel weird.
Thank you for sharing this!
Being indebted, I used to have this feeling sometimes when people would pay for things. I think part of it was an unconscious belief that I was not deserving of being treated to something.
What a great topic
A couple of friends have said they would lend me money to get a slightly better home. I see something like that as a last resort. I told them if we did that, we should get it drawn up with a lawyer. But listening to this, I will be happy to turn down their generous offer.
This video were to be called: "how to never see your money back with a single youtube post". Daniel 🤦♂️😂
thank you
My wife and I were sleeping one night it was around 1 o’clock in the morning when a friend came over wanting to borrow $20 I went and got the $20 to give him and my wife says if you give him that money you will never see him again and I said to her,exactly for $20 I never have to worry about him knocking at my door at 1 o’clock in the morning ever again. Best $20 I ever spent.
If someone ask too borrow a large amount of money from you,whatever your first instinct says to you that’s what your answer should be.
I hate to say it Daniel. But that money is gone. I could be wrong. but I don’t think so.
this is interesting. i have been on a healing journey from being the scapegoated child, and as the oldest as well i was always responsible for everything in my family. well the time came in my adult life where i crashed and burned financially and i started asking people for money desperately.. almost as a test to see who my true allies were. i felt like i was always there for everybody emotionally, and now that i needed someone, no one was there. i look at it now as not really being about to money. i was always the caretaker, the parentified child. i had been working since i was 14 years old for the sake of not being a burden to my parents. so when i finally fell apart, it manifested in the form of money problems. needing others to help me, a support system.. someone to KINDLY give me time to recover and get back on my feet. i had never in my life been in such a vulnerable position and it was difficult for me to ask my loved ones for money, because i was always obsessed with being completely independent. i hate debt, i hate depending on others. but this has changed me and humbled me to my core.. truly. sometimes its ok to depend on others!! this is what ive been forced to learn
I’ve heard you express, in **more** *than* **one** previous video, that YOU DOn’T waNT pEoplE TO **FEEL** the pain of revisiting childhood trauma, but you want everyone to have the outcome.
I used to just chalk that up to a PR ‘stunt’ #soundsnice but, idk, are you still afraid to genuinely, review your own traumas and see them, through adult eyes 👀
What do you imagine you’re going to “lose” if you process your trauma; connecting with others to synthetically, empathize with you, isn’t **that** great, I’ve learned and re-learned through experience.
But I can’t, factually, know your life; people only know the projection of what they **think** you might, be 🌞
You look upset… I have been through this many times also. Everytime a friend has asked me for money it was effectively a symbol of them cashing out on the friendship… they took the money and essentially ran and i rarely heard from them again unless it was to ask for more… now when people ask me for money I just say no and the result is the same, i never hear from them again. Banks, crisis loans, government support, even pawn shops are there for them but…. I realised the reason why I lent the money was it fed my ego to do it, perhaps even gave me a sense of hope and confidence that it could be something great… and they somehow knew that about me when they asked also. Kind and loving people can still feed their egos with kind acts, and this can be used against us…I have fallen for this trap too many times. A friend i know who i gave a lot to just got back on their feet after divorce, addiction, etc and now earns more then me… did i get paid back? Nope, not a chance. Thanks for the great video Daniel! Thought provoking as always!
Thank you for sharing this!! This is an area of big learning for me!!!
Always get loan repayment in writing.
@@strawberryseason thats not really what Daniel is getting at i think, but to give my perspective on it anyway… the problem with a written contract is often legal recourse ultimately costs more then the loan amount, there is a lot of work, stress, and time to get it back, and when the person you lent the money to is broke you will get no where… , so many times having it in writing is just pointless. I used to do debt collection for 3 years a long time ago, and ultimately if someone can’t pay, there is nothing you can do … you would be amazed how easy it is to get out of never paying back maxed out credit cards, energy bills, car loans and so much more … unless you get upfront payment for a service, there is no guarantee you will ever get paid or have any successful recourse, … most of debt collection is just hollow threats… the only water-tight exception is unpaid child support, they will put you in prison for that, because the welfare state relies heavily on men paying up 💰… also keep in mind that student loan debt remains even after bankruptcy.
@@personalfreedom2700 A lot of people have come to me for loans. My experience is that when I have asked for a signed statement that they will pay me back, they always do. It changes the dynamic somehow. A lot of people will borrow money, all along in the back of their minds they have no intention of paying it back. I have experienced this as well, from friends I trusted. I lost the friendship and the money, as alluded to by Shakespeare.
However, a friend who borrowed $5,000 from me paid me back, over time, even though none of our mutual friends ever thought he would. I attribute it to the fact that we had the agreement in writing,, and he didn't want his wages garnished. I have never needed to rely on the courts. There's just something about having the written agreement that makes the borrower realize you are serious about getting it back.
@@personalfreedom2700 p.s. How is the "welfare state" related to men paying child support for children they created? That statement made no sense.
They usually do not pay back. And in the end of the day you are the bad guy of the movie. This happened to me with one that was supposed to be my best friend. Not friends any longer. She did pay back after almost 4 years.
Interesting. Thank you Lily. Maybe this fellow will pay me back someday...
I feel you Daniel. Our politics have become depraved and pathetic these days. We need change more than ever, the common man is destitute and all but annihilated, truth and a restoration of real culture, which America has neglected for so many years more and more, with all the arrogance and lies, yet, where people aren't so entitled, psychologically, is essential! Entitled, at least for anything but money, anyways!! 😅
Just say you don't loan anyone money, not even your dying mother.
That shuts them up quick.
If someone asks you for money, and you don't want to lend it, just tell them you'd love to help, but you can't afford it.
Well said.
Think of it as a gift lesson learned. I have never had anyone ask me for money but gave a friend a gift of $200 when she was in need in another country.
Yes, that's probably the best way to approach it! But it still hurts...
@@dmackler58 Yes it does. I am so sorry! You have a kind heart ❤️ Thank you for sharing .
Wise. Great message. ☮
That's interesting that you tie this to a person's upbringing. My parents are good with my and never go into debt (except when they had to get a home mortgage). I'm bad with money and I don't really spend it on extravagant things. My parents didn't really give me advice about money - they mainly just told me not to spend money. But the thing is, you have to spend money on some things and then I don't know what to do.
I hate when i was younger and how I was hungry and my mom had to repay people I got food from because of money and having it back
Can learned helplessness be a function of borrowing money?? Seems that may be a factor in always needing money as an adult
My top 5 criteria when it comes to loaning money
30 day notice policy before I can loan money
20% cap on loan, not to exceed 20.00 bucks
Payment plan if required, in writing
Anything over 20.00/20% collateral required
same
really good insight. i majorly regret the one time i lent money. its been years and i still feel betrayed and robbed by that person who was like a brother to me. he got a tattoo when he could have done right by me and paid me back instead. i dont feel like i'll ever be able to forgive him.
Thanks for sharing this. People are so confusing -- they betray a friendship to spend money on something stupid... In your friend's case, how could he ever enjoy looking at his tattoo??
@@dmackler58 i really dont know! the tattoo he got says "death before dishonor". i cant think of anything more dishonorable than taking advantage of a lifelong friend's trust the way he did so i have no idea why he thought that was a good tattoo for himself.
@@vidoxi Wow!!
Someone just asked me for money...left me feeling disrespected and violated (they are an ex boyfriend whom i havent seen in 23yrs..only got back in touch few ago...now this disrespectful bombshell)😢😢
Doesn't all this mixed feeling and reservation tell you to walk away?
Recently I met a Federal Judge. (I had connections with the office.) I did not know him well and had just met him. He owned 2 law offices locally. One day he drove one hour to visit me. He wanted to borrow $100,000. He needed it desperately to help this young teenage girl and her family as they had just been harmed and needed help. Of course he was worth much more but it was tied up. He needed the money fast.
Long story short, he went to prison for sexually manipulating and abusing and traficing young girls that came through his court.
I think no one as a private citizen should be in money loans activity. Send to borrowers to the bank.
Caring persons are the only people ever scammed.
Relationships with money involved is not a good relationship.
God bless the child that's got his own!
You're a good boy, Charlie Brown!!!
Oh and btw, vote with your money 🗳 💰 and your own energy; as those are synonymous.
Why would you stay friends with someone who treats others that way?
Never help others financially. It is not your problem if another cant handle adulthood. I have no problem with NO. But l will also lose respect for them. Friendship is over for me.
When you lend money be sure not get it back. People who beg never return it, don't get me wrong sometimes people really need it but usually these people do not pressure you -they just ask. If you say no they are ok with it. So it is over .
Yep. you can tell you don't like to borrow money. . the most interesting part of this video
Off subject comment\question here: Have you read "Escape from Evil" or "Denial of Death"?
I read some of "Denial of Death" years ago. I like Ernest Becker.
Can I suggest something: don't overestimate your responsibility. I say that from experience.
So much of what you’re saying here doesn’t add up. You loaned someone who is notoriously irresponsible with money an amount of money that would take you a long time to earn? You don’t strike me as someone who would do something like that at all, let alone make a video to complain about it? Weird
Well, I wouldn’t call him notoriously irresponsible, but definitely some sides of him were irresponsible. And thankfully it wasn’t too much money. Basically, I learned a lesson and I tried to derive some value from it by sharing about it.
Wow
Quentin Crisp wrote in _Manners from Heaven_ that he did not lend money as a general rule and never an amount that he wasn't _prepared to lose._
Funny that this just popped up... my brother just sent me $100 to pay off the debt he accrued back in 2008-2010.
I've learned from him and other people, to just assume that money isn't going to be coming back. People who need to borrow money have deep problems that have created the situation where they need to borrow in the first place.
Cool that he paid you back!!! And thanks for your comment. Daniel
What happens when your partner is always asking for money? How does that change the dynamics of the relationship?
I think if you can’t see evidence of a serious problem, it’s them taking advantage of you.
Strange to me. No one has ever asked me to loan them money.
Did he pay you back?
No, sadly...
Daniel, do you want him to watch this video?
Good question, Tom. I don't think so. I didn't make it for him, just like I don't make the videos I make about my parents for them. I make them as teaching tools. What I would prefer is if this fellow I loaned money too answered my direct messages. Instead he's just disappeared... Daniel
@@dmackler58 Yea I feel you man. Regarding your other videos on your parents, I am still absorbing them, but they have been instrumental in helping to put language to what i am feeling... and with loaning people money, when they disappear like this it makes me want to take lash out and take revenge.. for a short while, but then i am left with just wanting them to know what it feels like... but something i am becoming wise to is the possibility that they just don't value me or see me as worthy of respect. some people have a severe lack of integrity, and it is just awful. Anyway, love you and your vids! Be well
@@ThomasARichardson Thanks Tom!
I admire your lifestyle, Daniel. But nearly everyhting you say begs me a question. Isn't it better not to know sometimes and stay delusional and stupid because otherwise after "achieving" one goal you will discover even more work to accomplish so the healing journey will never end. How does the point where you can consider yourself healed look like?
But did it spoil your friendship talking about your friend in this video?
I highly doubt he watched it, because after I loaned him the money he essentially disappeared. If he watches it, though, I hope he learns something!! And if he paid me back I would accept him back as a friend. Daniel
@@dmackler58 ah, I'm sorry. That explains why you published the video. I feel exactly the same way as you. I have a very close, old friend, who I love, who owes me money, and it has come between us. Your video helped me as I sometimes wondered if I was right or not to feel they couldn't be my friend unless they paid me back, but as you say, they have effectively stolen from me, it's no wonder I feel we can't be friends until they pay me back. I think you're quite right about the reasons for taking the money, too. Theft comes out of a deep need, it's like self-soothing for people who haven't been seen or loved enough. Thanks for replying Daniel, it's good to know you read the comments, and thanks for all your videos which are powerfully meaningful for me
@@theelectricalengineer Thank you for sharing this. I appreciate your words. They help me!!!!
@@dmackler58 🥰🤗😊
Simply solution, tell them you don't have the money to give to them, period. That's it. What are they going to do then, tell you to eat rice so you can feed their designer handbag addiction? No bloody way. I don't want a friend that selfish anyhow so good riddance I don't care how long I've known you for don't try to use me because of your own inadequacies.
I wonder did your friend ever pay you back, Daniel?
Sadly, no, he didn't.
You make borrowing money disgusting which is a public service. My extended family made money lending which created wealth for generations.
@81 Million Strong Or it is taking a risk on another person's dream so that person is perhaps able to build a better life for his/her family and employ others. My uncle loaned money to business ventures. No guilt unless socialist. Borrowing for unnecessary pursuits and defaulting is disgusting. Loaning money and creating a cycle of debt for the vulnerable poor is disgusting. eg pay day loan.
It's not lending that is disgusting, it is lending with interest or without the Jubilee year (where debts are nullified) that is disgusting and an affront to life.
There is a phrase 'friendship stops with money', another one 'never lend money if you are not prepare to loose it'. I was never asked for money by a friend/acquaintance. However, the wife of my ex-boyfriend best friend and I met sometimes and she had small kids. She asked me once to meet in the mall. At the time I didn't know how to set boundaries as I wanted to be social as well. So we ended up in the mall in the hypermarket her with the basket full of family groceries and when it came to paying she didn't have money in her wallet/on the card. I ended up paying for her. It took months for me to get the money back. She didn't ask me for it, instead she tricked me into this by luring me into the mall under the pretense she wanted to meet up. I am sure my boyfriend knew. They were from the same country which follows the clan mentality but grew up in the West. The sad part, they produced one child after the other whilst having no money as it seemed. One day I met her she was very thin, but she never spoke about it. She was 28 at the time and was fully grey with 3 children and a husband who apparently couldn't 't provide 3 years after marrying him. I think it was her cousin as well as my ex-boyfriend later indicated to me. And she had a day job herself. So a very stressful life. Who knows how many kids they have now over 10 years later I am sure many more. But perhaps they are doing better now as they wanted to buy a farm and sell the produce. And surely the kids are big now (most of them were boys) and will provide for their parents.
These feelings at this moment are all valid. The never give more than would be a gift is a good rule of thumb. However, we may come to see another reality in North America where relying upon others for money, and not having that reflect on a persons value or merit, may be called upon us (as is the case in developing countries). We’re all speaking from positions of great affluence even though it does require our participation to achieve it.
Be open to him paying you back. And if he’s in this position as is, he may need to repay in parts that equal his capabilities in this market. There are ways to make money, but Canada and the US are working through interest hikes and propaganda to stimulate a slow down.
I have a business debt from the Canadian lockdowns. Speaking to my loan agent I confessed, this amount made sense to pay back pre pandemic. She confessed I am one of many many people. A lot of folks are managing their debts like I am, making only interest payments while figuring out how to be active in the market again during economic downturn. I also turned down most of what they offered (gov backed business loans) because it was not manageable according to my revenue. The average small business, many sole proprietors (not incorporated) in Canada took on an average of 200k during 2020. Meanwhile if a business had at least 5 employees they may have profited an additional 100-200k that same year. I don’t want to make predictions as I think it’s best to stay positive and seek solutions, but….. there’s a shift in winds we’ve not seen if you were born after 1980.
I took the debt to float. My romantic partner of 7 years profited (and did not share, but actually shamed me). We have since broken up, he left the country skipping his taxes, shaming me for staying to build a new business and complete my obligation on the loan. All to say, having it or not having it is no simple way to judge someone.
Money is only as complicated as we all make it. I think of it as “currency”. A current to channel a clean charge needs a good insulated conduit. To illustrate… it flows better when it’s in simple clean circumstances.
Did he pay you back ?
Unfortunately no.