What other tips you guys got for meeting people? Also, if you're interested in my whole playlist involving building relationships with others, check it out here: ua-cam.com/play/PLgVZMuITSnetVwlL51dHinz1eReqrMNYG.html
Talk to the other person about their world. What they like and believe. Show genuine interest in what they are experiencing. The world does not revolve just around ourselves.
"become genuinely interested in them." dale carnegie said in his book how to win friends and influence people, honestly this book is literally the bible of social skills. I reccomend this book to anyone who wants to level up their social skills and such. It has changed my social life entirely and im grateful for the book
Make your only goal to connect, rather than get an outcome. Basically, be curious about others and excited to share yourself to see if you two COULD get along. If you're focused on getting a number or getting them to like you, you will act in desperate ways and people will pick up on that. -Nick
after becoming a young 18 yr old bartender I can say it really has opened up my eyes to a lot of different realities, it's so cool meeting a bunch of people all the time and just finding out how odd the universe really can be, and the main way how i get into convos is just observerving and listening then i usually comment or question on the topic then it all just becomes natural from there, just let it flow and see where it ends up, just gotta be open if that makes sense
I used to be an introvert but now I am great at conversations and making friends. Infact so good at conversations that sometimes I have to be make excuses/be rude to leave conversations midway cause otherwise people will keep engaging me into chitchat (not exaggerating or bragging, and yes I used to have social anxiety when I was a student). My advice in addition to Cole's advice would be to enjoy the conversation and reduce your internal filter. Present your true self and thoughts out and leave it to people whether they like you or not. Most people are not aware about the amount of fun in conversations if they look for funny things/situations in other people. Also you can learn a lot about human nature when u engage in talking with random people. You'll realize almost all of us are same, driven by same kind of emotions.
@@1terrabox Or maybe you're an introvert justifying your asocial behavior. Refusing to believe that such a change is possible without any catches or gotchyas.
@@ashwinaditya5331 I think that you think that introversion and social anxiety are the same thing (which is a common misconception ) You can still be introvert and socialize... That's what I'm saying, not trying to be rude or anything
Oddly enough, I have the exact opposite problem. I tend to have better social skills and confidence with total strangers than with the same classmates I have been with since kindergarten. Having a fresh canvas where the perception of others is easily maleable is WAY easier than dealing with people who have pre-conceived notions of who you are. For these reasons, I've daydreamt so many times about going back in time or moving to a new country totally alone. In some ways. I feel like the people who know me the best are the ones who have seen the least of me, ironically enough.
Thank's for sharing, it's the same with me. Because of that, I want to travel alot and find a job in which I meet new people all the time. Do you know what you gonna do vocationally? Or do you already have a job? You know, I also want to travel to Italy with a bike, I will have to communicate a lot of course and also almost only to strangers, that's why I'm really excited about it in a positive way. When you meet people and know, you will only see them today and then continue your journey, you will probably find friends all around the world. (---:
I just feel alienated watching this. A good-looking, popular UA-camr goes to a bar where he's recognized by another popular youtuber and has a great conversation. I'm a nobody, and to be honest this whole "realty seeker mindset" sounds like BS to me. The conversation was good because he can help you and you can help him. You guys are both successful. for average folks who dont have a lot going on, nobody talks to us, and it's hard to find a reason to talk to people when it just goes nowhere every time.
Yesterday I had a date with a girl that is friend of my friend... I did all those questions that let me discover her mind and you know that you do the right questions when someone gets exited and has a genuine smile before answering.
As someone who does this naturally I can say that it's still hard to find people that are interested in my life. Often times it turns into a monologue rather than a conversation.
Exactly then I feel like I’m talking for no reason or I’m not explaining my life well. Wondering what I’m doing wrong in the convo sometimes the convo will flow and it leads to another convo
Cole, really great video. Im 17 and have lost a lot of faith in meeting new people even at school and just prefer my own peace. But your insight helped me see these new interactions in a whole new light. thank you for this message, and I really can’t wait to apply it into my own life.
I feel such a strong difference now between "true, genuine" moments, conversations where you are fully here in the present moment and "fabricated" ones where people don't follow their heart in the actual moment but rather an image of a goal they previously created in their head and try to follow. Yesterday talking about it with a friend we formulated it like this: when your thoughts and words make one, meaning you directly say what you think and its what the innser self wants to exteriorise without second thinking it, thats a true conversation / moment with someone.
That’s relationships in a nutshell. random people having an encounter at some random time during their lives - sharing some kind of intimacy - growing , or not , together - and then leaving off to pursue their own route. Makes me even more aware of the low probability to only happen in a first place, reducing the probability of seeing them again afterwards, like an old friend or a former parent. Ofc the probabilities are different with social media nowadays and once you know / knew the person the probability changes / alongside with your circle of proximate friends / family. But no one really cares of what an ex relative becomes to either get In touch or go back to that illusion. / personal / I was thrilled when a friend from university messaged the whole squad on fb, reuniting everyone. Never thought I would see their faces again or get to know how they turned out, and was surprised they remember me as some great dude, since I was a wreck at the time. But it allowed a few nights out and surprisingly a good outcome. Gotta hand it to social medias. I left them 2 years ago without remorse but that’s practical to say the least
Being a military brat, moving to different places every 2-3 years. I never learnt how to make deeper connections or maintain friendships. The only 2 good friends are military brats themselves and they moved out as well. Now when I finally settled for a while for college and then covid hitting I realized I am alone. Felt sad initially untill I discovered that maybe that is a superpower? Not being attached to people and having nothing to lose. Gotta try interacting with people in this sense.
i'm the same way, except my dad works for a gov agency so that's why we moved a lot. i can make friends really easily and love meeting new people but i have only a few close friends (even those i don't really open up to) because i'm not used to keeping in touch and maintaining relationships when they're not right in front of my face. i think moving a lot i developed the mentality of "out of sight out of mind" because the few times i've tried to maintain friendships after moving new i've been hurt. but now that i'm in college and will likely be setting in the state that i currently live at i want to learn how to maintain these strong relationships!
The TCK struggle is real. There are so many benefits in being able to strike up casual conversations with almost literally anyone, but also the downsides of never really forming a permanent attachment. I've found that my closest friends are the ones who, like you sort of mentioned, were TCKs myself and knew how we all built relationships.
@@ColeHastings Bro literally since Year 10 started, my old friends have been drifting away and just today I made some new friends and we walked home together and had great conversations on the way, what is up with this timing? Seriously, it’s not just once or twice, this has happened with me and your videos about 5 times now! You gotta be tracking me or something!
I went to 6th Street a few months ago, also alone and with a similar purpose, and this is the same exact bar I went to. I like the synchronicity. This is also a really amazing conscious perspective on life and other people. This actually just awakened me to a new way of looking that things. Thanks bro.
I’m a cashier and I often hate dealing with customers but when I choose instead to not instinctually get annoyed by their existence and instead see them as an individual and a reality like you said, I gain so many unique connections and experiences just from talking and connecting in the few minutes we interact. A lot of change really does have to do with just choice
I’m so happy youu put this kind of content out! I started doing exactly this the summer of 2019. I’ve always been the shy type but once I said “if no one wants to go on a night out with me, I’ll go by myself” ever since then I’ve been such a open minded person.
Came here to say that after years of being lonely and used by others, I've finally made real friends and am truly happy for that. Wish you all the best
"Making friends in high school is effortless" Not when everyone forms their closed-in little cliques and refuses to talk to anyone who hasn't been friends with them since preschool.
I’ve been too withdrawn to the point when I meet someone accidentally with your mindset i just give short answers and leave no room for conversations to continue. It’s time to change this and get myself back. Thanks for the video.
This is exactly what I discovered not so long time ago, but when I speak about it I say something about being authentic, to make every communication more real, and then it somehow allows others to be authentic too. The reality seeker - I really like this!
Once you've had the guts to start the conversation with someone I have two tips from my time as a salesman (also works for dating). Ask open questions, so questions that cannot be answered with yes and no. Cole gave some good examples like "How did growing up in that city mold you?". And secondly once you've asked, shut up and listen. Its very tempting to take over as soon as you've found something you can answer, but hold back. People will perceive you as a good listener and tell you lots of things that you would have missed out on if you interrupted them immediately. Then you will be able to hook on those things with a new question or giving your opinion.
I went to a party yesterday, i had some social anxiety issues in the past, overthink before going but i had A TON of fun. What i learnt and observed is that the more you consume content about social skills, or anything in general and you dont apply them, you're screwed and just leads to brain fog. But i just wanted to say Thank You Cole for the help!. Great Content
I been a cashier on weekends for 5 years and i get paid a crazy amount for the job i have to do which is barely anything but socialize with interesting specimens lol and i think this job has excelled my view on the universe and how humans socialize. I learned so much psychology talking to strangers 12 hours a day and became a social bug coming from being an introvert. My confidence and psychological behaviors shot through the roof. It just takes practice like everything else, and having no expectations in things makes it easier to be attractive (in general and universally)
Holy shit. I’ve been an introvert pretty much my whole life for the sole reason that I just never know what to say to hold a conversation, but my entire perception of an interaction changed when you said “ask questions to deconstruct their reality” now I see that in a conversation I need to acquire the knowledge of how the person perceives everything they experience. And with that we could find a subject we both enjoy talking about and compare our perception over it. Thank you cole this was super helpful!!
I never comment on YT vids but I gotta say, this was really personal because I'm into self improvement and I too am named Clay. So when you mentioned Goldman, my ears perked up and it felt like you were talking to me. Loved it!
This channel is a gold mine. Needed this message, I find social conversation terribly awkward and boring but that's also what I want to be able to do. I'll have to try this! 😄
I was just talking to my girlfriend about how much I wanted to make new friends, but I never could muster up the willpower. It is because I felt like most interactions I have don’t lead to anything. I moved recently to a new area so I guess that has a lot to do with it. I’m further from my usual friends. I’m also taking online classes in order to get more done. Thanks for the new mindset. It is the curiosity that bonds us together. What universe can they show me? And what universe can I show them? These are definitely the kinds of nights I want to have, so I have to put in the effort to make it happen.
Your story about preschool reminds me of when I was in 3rd grade. I had a friend who was my best friend since kindergarten, but that summer before 3rd grade, he moved away. This other kid came up to me one day at the beginning of the new year and was like “I can be your new best friend” He and I are still best friends, and have been for nearly 10 years now.
I love your mindset. Too many people try to impress new people they meet, when the best way to create a good impression is to be genuinely curious about the other person. I try doing this in the last couple of years and found out I benefited a lot also by learning from other oriole’s stories.
thats actually such a good analogy on it, "a whole other universe!" i think its better then what i call "a different perspective of the world." I think this is a sort of deep passion i have of new ppl i meet. I want to know more about ppl, truly understand what they're going thru and y they do what they do and even their own passions.
I'm the type of person who makes new friends easily, and watching this made me think why every city I go I end up meeting so many people, and one thing is really true, I am a curious person, I feel like I want to know more and more about other people, about their passions, hobbies, plans, experiences, I want to learn, and I listen a lot, a lot about their struggles, their universe... I am the type of person if you look at me, no matter the gender, the looks, if you look a tough guy, or a shy guy, if our eyes meet each other eyes I'll shake my head down with a smile and most of the times I'll get a smile back... I noticed that people love to talk about themselves, something they are enjoying a lot recently or their point of view about something, sometimes they have problems in that exact time and don't have someone to open and I like to be that person who they can say everything and feel relived, and sometimes I'm the person who needs to talk something to feel relieved... example exactly now, my girlfriend, we were living together for 8 years and I was planning how should I propose her to marry me, but for my surprise she told me she were meeting someone since one month and half ago and is in love with him and she just left me and moved to a new house with this 24 yo Japanese guy,(I'm 32, she's 37) people noticed how devastated I was, because everybody knew us, (I'm a half Brazilian/Japanese from brazil and she is Japanese, both living here in japan, because we weren't the usual couple, we ended up making many friends ) talking about what happened, some deep shit I went through, I ended up finding that people I knew, care about me more than I thought and are really helping me to go through this shit, and this made me connect with these people much more, making me realize that I have more true friends than I thought... Looking back I feel glad I'm like this, probably I would be alone now thinking about shit, but the connections that I've been making everywhere all this time is helping me to keep being strong. wherever you are, if you are reading this, do good for people, make people feel good, help anytime you can, even if its just to listen.. our time is short but we can help a lot of people to enjoy and go through this short journey called life Peace and lot of love my friends
I've just realized myself that I like to take this approach with people as well. It's so interesting to learn about another human being and to understand how they see the world. For me, that's the coolest thing about being alive. It's sharing what we have in our brains, getting excited by the things we share in common, learning new things, and seeing new prospective. Every person on this planet is unique and has a story to tell that we haven't heard. Once I learned this, it has become an very eye opening experience. Listen to Cole guys and take a chance on meeting new people. Let's bring human connection back!!
Hey Cole thanks for these kind of videos! I've been following you since a year now. I am an introvert and deal with social anxiety and these kind of videos are really helpful!
I noticed I’ve been doing this without even knowing I was! As I’ve gotten better with small talk/conversation, when I tell someone about myself or something I experienced, or just something I’m thinking about, and the conversation slows down, I ask them their thoughts on it or if they’ve experienced anything similar! And then it just keep momentum in the convo
You know, I actually started doing this without thinking about it. I've always been a closed off guy who had such difficulty talking to others and making friends that I thought I was going to be a lonely wanderer forever. But I recently started engaging in hobbies that put me in front of others, and people started coming up and talking to me. After a bit of small talk, I usually end up diving into how long they've been coming to , then into why they moved, or what they do, or other things. I'm automatically trying to put together the story of their lives in my mind: where they came from and where they're trying to go now. I often find that I have to moderate my questions so I'm not diving too deeply too quickly or taking up too much time; mine and theirs.
I love these videos about social skills and human interactions. It's an area of my life that I want to focus on a lo more, even though I never really had problems making new friends I think it's important to have the skills to approach new people at any point of time. Thanks for your great videos and the amazing storytelling ;D
Thank you so much man. I'm 14 and just moved to a new city and I'm someone who is introverted and very socially awkward. It will be hard at first to talk to people but once I begin implementing your tips and developing a more open mindset I think I'll make it.
I’ve always felt this way when meeting other people and getting to know their realities!! This is awesome to see other people on the same wavelengths. Totally open, empathetic and genuine without any ulterior motives. Thanks for sharing!!! :)
Guys, this doesn't work with "regular"(?) people, only with people who also have that deep interest in people and their stories, opinions, world views, etc... What you described here is extremely easy for me. What I struggle with is that most people aren't that way, they're only about small talk literally their whole friendship/relationship is small talk, or when talking about something specific or a topic or anything then just lightly talk about it or quickly, that's it (Not saying that's bad or wrong, it just is). That's what I struggle with. If you ask people at any point, even after knowing them for a while (not just instantly serious question) if you ask them anything deep/serious/personal they'll either just give a short answer and shrug it off, or they end up looking at you weird like something's wrong with you 🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️
I've gone out by myself a number of times with the aim of meeting new people and making friends. It becomes easier the more you try, and if you set your intention or ultimate goal as having a fun time regardless of what happens you will not be disappointed.
I also recommend that you must give strong eye contact to show you are listing since everyone wants to be heard and speak with few words because everyone likes a mysterious person. You ask the questions and give small answers.
How very interesting. These are conclusions and ideas I’ve come too on my own along the way. I say now that people ARE an experience, and i am open to see just how much of it i will get with everyone i meet.
My struggle is I happen to meet people who are not into deep conversations at all. My circle of friends panicked if I ask them deeper questions rather than superficial ones. It’s like either they don’t want to go there, they haven’t thought about it and not even interested to think about it, or they feel that I’m trying to knock over their boundaries. Even by a mere caring question ‘are you okay?’ threw them off. Somebody said to me that I like to ask questions that she never been asked before, implying that I think too much. Not only that, they are also not interested to ask the same questions or curious to know more about me. More often that not, they will talk whatever they want to talk about and I’ll do the listening 90% of the time.
That's so True, now I realized how things happen when I talk to people casually into deeper conversations. Starts with questions leads to common understanding then whether opening up to him/her for him/her to open up or vise versa. That's so cool to understand something that I do unconsciously
& on a sweious note, the reality seeker mindset is something that I've felt for years. Growing up a black man in US has taught me that my friendships shouldn't be based on skin color. If you do that you may miss out especially if you're looking for something specific too. Everyone has something to offer and so sometimes if you eanna find what you're looking for it may have to be outside your comfort zone
Something you maybe should acknowledge in this video is that in order to be socially attractive it's not just about mindset but what you offer to the other person that they would want to talk with you. Something that I was thinking about while hearing this story is that "this is good advice after you've got your foot in the door but that's the hardest part isn't it? Clay only had an interest in talking with you because he recognized you as someone he might want to talk to because he saw you from youtube and he does youtube." Your career gave you an active draw through mutual interest so he chose to engage with you. You stood out from the crowd because he recognized you, and that's not something everyone has. It was effortless because you had an in. It's great to know how to keep a conversation flowing but it has to start first, if you weren't a public face he probably would have just said thanks and you would have went home. And yeah I get that part of fostering these interaction sis going to spaces with like minded people who probably share your interests but even then sharing an interests isn't a guarantee they'll be interested in you specifically. This video seems more about deepening social attraction rather than fostering it. Even then good conversation skills still take practice, and as you alluded to there's the possibility the other person doesn't share those skills or has baggage that makes deepening social connections challenging for them. I don't think I'd call it effortless, this feels more like one of those situations where you found someone that just clicked in the right way at the right time.
Idk why I clicked this, I make friends anywhere. But I think this is a good explanation of why. Also the anecdote about the meeting another UA-camr at a bar was pretty cool. Such a neat collision of worlds. But yeah I don’t seek outcomes or anything when interacting with others I just have fun, make jokes, speak on my reality and listen to theirs. Like you said even if you don’t agree with or like their lens, it’s really useful and interesting to hear about it. Unless the person refuses to open up or is genuinely boring or on some bad vibes, but that’s pretty rare and is usually apparent right up front.
this is really cool. as someone who's moving to a different university soon, im a little nervous at the prospect and sometimes get nervous with socializing especially if i have crushes or whatnot, but this is just really sweet and nice to think of
I find the best way to make friends is to be somewhere consistently. For me that's the gym. I've made a lot of friends there that I see outside of the gym. Being at a place consistently gives you a lot of time to interact with those people you will see often.
Thanks for this video. After years of dating and hearing "everyone asks me the same questions, be original", I started trying all sorts of things and I completely lost my natural feeling for talking to people. Turns out, the way I talked to people was the proper way to connect, they just weren't the persons with enough information in their 'universe' to have such conversations.
What other tips you guys got for meeting people?
Also, if you're interested in my whole playlist involving building relationships with others, check it out here: ua-cam.com/play/PLgVZMuITSnetVwlL51dHinz1eReqrMNYG.html
CONFIDENCE
Talk to the other person about their world. What they like and believe. Show genuine interest in what they are experiencing. The world does not revolve just around ourselves.
"become genuinely interested in them." dale carnegie said in his book how to win friends and influence people, honestly this book is literally the bible of social skills. I reccomend this book to anyone who wants to level up their social skills and such.
It has changed my social life entirely and im grateful for the book
Avoid whamen
May have already been said but ive found groups where there are others who share your passions/interests etc has worked for me in the past.
Make your only goal to connect, rather than get an outcome. Basically, be curious about others and excited to share yourself to see if you two COULD get along. If you're focused on getting a number or getting them to like you, you will act in desperate ways and people will pick up on that. -Nick
Keep pushing every day small growth 📈 really be the best growth- Wise words from Qj
Earn money you need only money to survive fuck of people kill them see them suffer
sounds like you just want an outcome
YES, this video makes it all click!
I have the enthusiasm & drive, so talking to someone to find out about their ‘universe’… it sounds fun and easy!
Coming back to dating after 2 pandemic years, I have massively underestimated how important this is
Knowing that social skills are my absolute weakness, I really appreciate videos like this sooo much. Thank you cole!
Thanks for watching
Its my strong point :)
@@kankerbanaan good to know!
Same
Kill humans fuck of people
after becoming a young 18 yr old bartender I can say it really has opened up my eyes to a lot of different realities, it's so cool meeting a bunch of people all the time and just finding out how odd the universe really can be, and the main way how i get into convos is just observerving and listening then i usually comment or question on the topic then it all just becomes natural from there, just let it flow and see where it ends up, just gotta be open if that makes sense
Great job to have as an 18 year old. Such a good way to improve socializing with people
@@ColeHastings hey and who knows maybe one day if you ever come back to Buffalo i can pour/mix you a drink on me :)
@@vinylmaster946 but before that what is a buffalo
@@amoththatthinks a very cold cold place where snow, football and beer is king
Unrelated but I love your name and the fact that the dark side prism is your cover. Dope reality dude and congratulations on the bartending job!
I used to be an introvert but now I am great at conversations and making friends. Infact so good at conversations that sometimes I have to be make excuses/be rude to leave conversations midway cause otherwise people will keep engaging me into chitchat (not exaggerating or bragging, and yes I used to have social anxiety when I was a student). My advice in addition to Cole's advice would be to enjoy the conversation and reduce your internal filter. Present your true self and thoughts out and leave it to people whether they like you or not. Most people are not aware about the amount of fun in conversations if they look for funny things/situations in other people. Also you can learn a lot about human nature when u engage in talking with random people. You'll realize almost all of us are same, driven by same kind of emotions.
Yeah right... you need to be rude or make excuses to leave conversations. 🤦🏿♂️🤦🏿♂️🤦🏿♂️
You're still an introvert. You just became good at socialising.
@@1terrabox Or maybe you're an introvert justifying your asocial behavior. Refusing to believe that such a change is possible without any catches or gotchyas.
@@ashwinaditya5331 I think that you think that introversion and social anxiety are the same thing (which is a common misconception ) You can still be introvert and socialize... That's what I'm saying, not trying to be rude or anything
@@1terrabox yea I’m an introvert but make acquaintances very easy now as an adult while as a kid I had crippling social anxiety
Had a great time chopping it up bro!
Any of you guys reading this, dont ever be afraid to go out by yourself and see who/what you can run into!
was a bit skeptical at first, but this is a real mindset shift, thankyou once again cole for inspiring :)
Preciate it bro
I love going up to people and having random conversations. My thing to work on is maintaining the conversation and not making it about me.
Imma try that
@Jorris Schnitzel why not? If you make friends
Oddly enough, I have the exact opposite problem. I tend to have better social skills and confidence with total strangers than with the same classmates I have been with since kindergarten. Having a fresh canvas where the perception of others is easily maleable is WAY easier than dealing with people who have pre-conceived notions of who you are. For these reasons, I've daydreamt so many times about going back in time or moving to a new country totally alone. In some ways. I feel like the people who know me the best are the ones who have seen the least of me, ironically enough.
dude same.
Thank's for sharing, it's the same with me. Because of that, I want to travel alot and find a job in which I meet new people all the time. Do you know what you gonna do vocationally? Or do you already have a job?
You know, I also want to travel to Italy with a bike, I will have to communicate a lot of course and also almost only to strangers, that's why I'm really excited about it in a positive way. When you meet people and know, you will only see them today and then continue your journey, you will probably find friends all around the world. (---:
same bro fr
I totally felt this, sameeeee
Naw means you're a coward and a pussy and love for new people not to catch your bullshit
I just feel alienated watching this. A good-looking, popular UA-camr goes to a bar where he's recognized by another popular youtuber and has a great conversation. I'm a nobody, and to be honest this whole "realty seeker mindset" sounds like BS to me. The conversation was good because he can help you and you can help him. You guys are both successful. for average folks who dont have a lot going on, nobody talks to us, and it's hard to find a reason to talk to people when it just goes nowhere every time.
Yesterday I had a date with a girl that is friend of my friend... I did all those questions that let me discover her mind and you know that you do the right questions when someone gets exited and has a genuine smile before answering.
can relate to that! nice job
As someone who does this naturally I can say that it's still hard to find people that are interested in my life. Often times it turns into a monologue rather than a conversation.
Exactly then I feel like I’m talking for no reason or I’m not explaining my life well. Wondering what I’m doing wrong in the convo sometimes the convo will flow and it leads to another convo
Have you found a way to make it better?
Cole, really great video. Im 17 and have lost a lot of faith in meeting new people even at school and just prefer my own peace. But your insight helped me see these new interactions in a whole new light. thank you for this message, and I really can’t wait to apply it into my own life.
Cheers Jonny
Same
Y
aar
I feel such a strong difference now between "true, genuine" moments, conversations where you are fully here in the present moment and "fabricated" ones where people don't follow their heart in the actual moment but rather an image of a goal they previously created in their head and try to follow.
Yesterday talking about it with a friend we formulated it like this: when your thoughts and words make one, meaning you directly say what you think and its what the innser self wants to exteriorise without second thinking it, thats a true conversation / moment with someone.
Yes! A true conversation has to happen organically and the best ones are unplanned.
"Framing" is everything. You can frame something as positive or negative. That's your choice, your mindset, your framing power.
A french writer, Charles Pépin, wrote that truely meeting someone means entering in a totally new and different world that affects you.
That’s relationships in a nutshell. random people having an encounter at some random time during their lives - sharing some kind of intimacy - growing , or not , together - and then leaving off to pursue their own route. Makes me even more aware of the low probability to only happen in a first place, reducing the probability of seeing them again afterwards, like an old friend or a former parent. Ofc the probabilities are different with social media nowadays and once you know / knew the person the probability changes / alongside with your circle of proximate friends / family. But no one really cares of what an ex relative becomes to either get In touch or go back to that illusion.
/ personal /
I was thrilled when a friend from university messaged the whole squad on fb, reuniting everyone. Never thought I would see their faces again or get to know how they turned out, and was surprised they remember me as some great dude, since I was a wreck at the time. But it allowed a few nights out and surprisingly a good outcome. Gotta hand it to social medias. I left them 2 years ago without remorse but that’s practical to say the least
Being a military brat, moving to different places every 2-3 years. I never learnt how to make deeper connections or maintain friendships. The only 2 good friends are military brats themselves and they moved out as well. Now when I finally settled for a while for college and then covid hitting I realized I am alone. Felt sad initially untill I discovered that maybe that is a superpower? Not being attached to people and having nothing to lose. Gotta try interacting with people in this sense.
Relate to this 100%
i'm the same way, except my dad works for a gov agency so that's why we moved a lot. i can make friends really easily and love meeting new people but i have only a few close friends (even those i don't really open up to) because i'm not used to keeping in touch and maintaining relationships when they're not right in front of my face. i think moving a lot i developed the mentality of "out of sight out of mind" because the few times i've tried to maintain friendships after moving new i've been hurt. but now that i'm in college and will likely be setting in the state that i currently live at i want to learn how to maintain these strong relationships!
The TCK struggle is real. There are so many benefits in being able to strike up casual conversations with almost literally anyone, but also the downsides of never really forming a permanent attachment. I've found that my closest friends are the ones who, like you sort of mentioned, were TCKs myself and knew how we all built relationships.
Getting recognized in public, so badass 👏🏻
An Esports lounge sounds like heaven...wish Houston had one!
How the hell do you upload videos when I need them the most? Thanks, Cole! Production quality is A1 as always too!
Gotchu brother
@@ColeHastings Bro literally since Year 10 started, my old friends have been drifting away and just today I made some new friends and we walked home together and had great conversations on the way, what is up with this timing? Seriously, it’s not just once or twice, this has happened with me and your videos about 5 times now! You gotta be tracking me or something!
Because he’s (at least seems) real, real is relatable at any given moment in time 🤙🏽
I went to 6th Street a few months ago, also alone and with a similar purpose, and this is the same exact bar I went to. I like the synchronicity. This is also a really amazing conscious perspective on life and other people. This actually just awakened me to a new way of looking that things. Thanks bro.
I’m a cashier and I often hate dealing with customers but when I choose instead to not instinctually get annoyed by their existence and instead see them as an individual and a reality like you said, I gain so many unique connections and experiences just from talking and connecting in the few minutes we interact. A lot of change really does have to do with just choice
thats the kind of friend im trying to find someone out there into things like me thats also trying to improve themselves
Vulnerability is something society lacks, which keeps people so guarded and unwilling to open up leads to a lonely life. Good content here.
How to improve social skills
Step 1: become a youtuber
Step 2: get recognised by fans
Step 3: Social Skills
I’m so happy youu put this kind of content out! I started doing exactly this the summer of 2019. I’ve always been the shy type but once I said “if no one wants to go on a night out with me, I’ll go by myself” ever since then I’ve been such a open minded person.
Came here to say that after years of being lonely and used by others, I've finally made real friends and am truly happy for that. Wish you all the best
"Making friends in high school is effortless"
Not when everyone forms their closed-in little cliques and refuses to talk to anyone who hasn't been friends with them since preschool.
And yet it's still easier than adulthood lol
If you think its hard in high school its way harder as an adult where people usually stick to talking to people they know and rarely talk to strangers
you're not very good if you think that's the case
@@ponternal Yup. Exactly.
@@ProfShibe
That how my area was. We were known for that.
I’ve been too withdrawn to the point when I meet someone accidentally with your mindset i just give short answers and leave no room for conversations to continue. It’s time to change this and get myself back. Thanks for the video.
This is exactly what I discovered not so long time ago, but when I speak about it I say something about being authentic, to make every communication more real, and then it somehow allows others to be authentic too. The reality seeker - I really like this!
I like how you see it as an opportunity to discover a new mini universe, instead of trying to impose your ideas on them.
Once you've had the guts to start the conversation with someone I have two tips from my time as a salesman (also works for dating). Ask open questions, so questions that cannot be answered with yes and no. Cole gave some good examples like "How did growing up in that city mold you?". And secondly once you've asked, shut up and listen. Its very tempting to take over as soon as you've found something you can answer, but hold back. People will perceive you as a good listener and tell you lots of things that you would have missed out on if you interrupted them immediately. Then you will be able to hook on those things with a new question or giving your opinion.
People also love talking about themselves so if you let them do that it’ll make them like you more.
This is the most convoluted way of saying “interact with people with the intent on getting to know them and that makes being friends with them easier”
I went to a party yesterday, i had some social anxiety issues in the past, overthink before going but i had A TON of fun. What i learnt and observed is that the more you consume content about social skills, or anything in general and you dont apply them, you're screwed and just leads to brain fog. But i just wanted to say Thank You Cole for the help!. Great Content
I been a cashier on weekends for 5 years and i get paid a crazy amount for the job i have to do which is barely anything but socialize with interesting specimens lol and i think this job has excelled my view on the universe and how humans socialize. I learned so much psychology talking to strangers 12 hours a day and became a social bug coming from being an introvert. My confidence and psychological behaviors shot through the roof. It just takes practice like everything else, and having no expectations in things makes it easier to be attractive (in general and universally)
definitely an interesting way at looking at things. as someone whos always been naturally less open to conversations, this helped a ton
The word to describe this mindset is “sonder” and it sure is a powerful word and worldview.
Holy shit. I’ve been an introvert pretty much my whole life for the sole reason that I just never know what to say to hold a conversation, but my entire perception of an interaction changed when you said “ask questions to deconstruct their reality” now I see that in a conversation I need to acquire the knowledge of how the person perceives everything they experience. And with that we could find a subject we both enjoy talking about and compare our perception over it. Thank you cole this was super helpful!!
I never comment on YT vids but I gotta say, this was really personal because I'm into self improvement and I too am named Clay. So when you mentioned Goldman, my ears perked up and it felt like you were talking to me. Loved it!
Conversations are born of questions, and maintained by listening.
This channel is a gold mine. Needed this message, I find social conversation terribly awkward and boring but that's also what I want to be able to do. I'll have to try this! 😄
I was just talking to my girlfriend about how much I wanted to make new friends, but I never could muster up the willpower. It is because I felt like most interactions I have don’t lead to anything. I moved recently to a new area so I guess that has a lot to do with it. I’m further from my usual friends. I’m also taking online classes in order to get more done. Thanks for the new mindset. It is the curiosity that bonds us together. What universe can they show me? And what universe can I show them?
These are definitely the kinds of nights I want to have, so I have to put in the effort to make it happen.
WHATS AN UPDATE? HOW HAS IT GONE?
I genuinely relate to your situation of online school, area and friends.
If you have a girlfriend you already got it figured out lol
@@Fiftyfirst51 bad mindset. if you rely solely on your girlfriend for social interactions, she will leave you.
Your story about preschool reminds me of when I was in 3rd grade. I had a friend who was my best friend since kindergarten, but that summer before 3rd grade, he moved away. This other kid came up to me one day at the beginning of the new year and was like “I can be your new best friend”
He and I are still best friends, and have been for nearly 10 years now.
This was informative, true, and absolutely enlightening. This helped me with my social anxiety. Good shit, Cole. 🤘🏼
Much love!
I love your mindset. Too many people try to impress new people they meet, when the best way to create a good impression is to be genuinely curious about the other person. I try doing this in the last couple of years and found out I benefited a lot also by learning from other oriole’s stories.
i subscribed because of this video. ive been subconsciously & unknowingly practising this mindset. i agree with this perspective 100%
thats actually such a good analogy on it, "a whole other universe!" i think its better then what i call "a different perspective of the world."
I think this is a sort of deep passion i have of new ppl i meet. I want to know more about ppl, truly understand what they're going thru and y they do what they do and even their own passions.
I'm the type of person who makes new friends easily, and watching this made me think why every city I go I end up meeting so many people, and one thing is really true, I am a curious person, I feel like I want to know more and more about other people, about their passions, hobbies, plans, experiences, I want to learn, and I listen a lot, a lot about their struggles, their universe... I am the type of person if you look at me, no matter the gender, the looks, if you look a tough guy, or a shy guy, if our eyes meet each other eyes I'll shake my head down with a smile and most of the times I'll get a smile back... I noticed that people love to talk about themselves, something they are enjoying a lot recently or their point of view about something, sometimes they have problems in that exact time and don't have someone to open and I like to be that person who they can say everything and feel relived, and sometimes I'm the person who needs to talk something to feel relieved... example exactly now, my girlfriend, we were living together for 8 years and I was planning how should I propose her to marry me, but for my surprise she told me she were meeting someone since one month and half ago and is in love with him and she just left me and moved to a new house with this 24 yo Japanese guy,(I'm 32, she's 37) people noticed how devastated I was, because everybody knew us, (I'm a half Brazilian/Japanese from brazil and she is Japanese, both living here in japan, because we weren't the usual couple, we ended up making many friends ) talking about what happened, some deep shit I went through, I ended up finding that people I knew, care about me more than I thought and are really helping me to go through this shit, and this made me connect with these people much more, making me realize that I have more true friends than I thought... Looking back I feel glad I'm like this, probably I would be alone now thinking about shit, but the connections that I've been making everywhere all this time is helping me to keep being strong.
wherever you are, if you are reading this, do good for people, make people feel good, help anytime you can, even if its just to listen.. our time is short but we can help a lot of people to enjoy and go through this short journey called life
Peace and lot of love my friends
This Mindset is so true and beautiful at the same time.
always luv to find or hear something legitimately new/novel , its a rare thing , kudos/congrats dude , this is an excellent video =]
As someone who has watched a lot of content on social anxiety, the frame of reality seeking, hits real good.
I've just realized myself that I like to take this approach with people as well. It's so interesting to learn about another human being and to understand how they see the world. For me, that's the coolest thing about being alive. It's sharing what we have in our brains, getting excited by the things we share in common, learning new things, and seeing new prospective. Every person on this planet is unique and has a story to tell that we haven't heard. Once I learned this, it has become an very eye opening experience. Listen to Cole guys and take a chance on meeting new people. Let's bring human connection back!!
Hey Cole thanks for these kind of videos! I've been following you since a year now. I am an introvert and deal with social anxiety and these kind of videos are really helpful!
We sure do love it when cole hastings posts
❤
Every conversation with a stranger is a podcast
You're on the dot eith everything. I literally cannot talk but you put a new spin to it. Something that I could understand and use!
Thanks once again Cole! going to try and use this perspective every time I'm at school talking to people from now on to ask more questions to them 👍🏿
Exploring a new world! That is what i think! Thanks for your video, it is just totally fit to my present life attitude!
I noticed I’ve been doing this without even knowing I was! As I’ve gotten better with small talk/conversation, when I tell someone about myself or something I experienced, or just something I’m thinking about, and the conversation slows down, I ask them their thoughts on it or if they’ve experienced anything similar! And then it just keep momentum in the convo
You know, I actually started doing this without thinking about it. I've always been a closed off guy who had such difficulty talking to others and making friends that I thought I was going to be a lonely wanderer forever. But I recently started engaging in hobbies that put me in front of others, and people started coming up and talking to me. After a bit of small talk, I usually end up diving into how long they've been coming to , then into why they moved, or what they do, or other things. I'm automatically trying to put together the story of their lives in my mind: where they came from and where they're trying to go now.
I often find that I have to moderate my questions so I'm not diving too deeply too quickly or taking up too much time; mine and theirs.
I love these videos about social skills and human interactions. It's an area of my life that I want to focus on a lo more, even though I never really had problems making new friends I think it's important to have the skills to approach new people at any point of time. Thanks for your great videos and the amazing storytelling ;D
Exactly! Luckily same for me
Thank you so much man. I'm 14 and just moved to a new city and I'm someone who is introverted and very socially awkward. It will be hard at first to talk to people but once I begin implementing your tips and developing a more open mindset I think I'll make it.
I know that smiling helps a lot. Also acknowledging everyone around you.
I’ve always felt this way when meeting other people and getting to know their realities!! This is awesome to see other people on the same wavelengths. Totally open, empathetic and genuine without any ulterior motives. Thanks for sharing!!! :)
That's a beautiful way of looking at social interactions man, really glad I clicked on this video. Thanks Cole
Guys, this doesn't work with "regular"(?) people, only with people who also have that deep interest in people and their stories, opinions, world views, etc...
What you described here is extremely easy for me. What I struggle with is that most people aren't that way, they're only about small talk literally their whole friendship/relationship is small talk, or when talking about something specific or a topic or anything then just lightly talk about it or quickly, that's it (Not saying that's bad or wrong, it just is). That's what I struggle with. If you ask people at any point, even after knowing them for a while (not just instantly serious question) if you ask them anything deep/serious/personal they'll either just give a short answer and shrug it off, or they end up looking at you weird like something's wrong with you 🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️
Amazing stuff Cole, I too moved to Austin a little over.a year ago for the same reasons; change it up and meet new friends...
man his videos make me feel human again
I've gone out by myself a number of times with the aim of meeting new people and making friends. It becomes easier the more you try, and if you set your intention or ultimate goal as having a fun time regardless of what happens you will not be disappointed.
I feel like a robot learning how to be human
I also recommend that you must give strong eye contact to show you are listing since everyone wants to be heard and speak with few words because everyone likes a mysterious person. You ask the questions and give small answers.
How very interesting. These are conclusions and ideas I’ve come too on my own along the way. I say now that people ARE an experience, and i am open to see just how much of it i will get with everyone i meet.
My struggle is I happen to meet people who are not into deep conversations at all. My circle of friends panicked if I ask them deeper questions rather than superficial ones. It’s like either they don’t want to go there, they haven’t thought about it and not even interested to think about it, or they feel that I’m trying to knock over their boundaries. Even by a mere caring question ‘are you okay?’ threw them off. Somebody said to me that I like to ask questions that she never been asked before, implying that I think too much. Not only that, they are also not interested to ask the same questions or curious to know more about me. More often that not, they will talk whatever they want to talk about and I’ll do the listening 90% of the time.
That's so True, now I realized how things happen when I talk to people casually into deeper conversations. Starts with questions leads to common understanding then whether opening up to him/her for him/her to open up or vise versa. That's so cool to understand something that I do unconsciously
& on a sweious note, the reality seeker mindset is something that I've felt for years. Growing up a black man in US has taught me that my friendships shouldn't be based on skin color. If you do that you may miss out especially if you're looking for something specific too. Everyone has something to offer and so sometimes if you eanna find what you're looking for it may have to be outside your comfort zone
Be genuinely interested in their universe, and hope to improve yours in the process. Got it.
Love your analogy of people being other universes to get to know. Insightful video. Keep up the good work!
Something you maybe should acknowledge in this video is that in order to be socially attractive it's not just about mindset but what you offer to the other person that they would want to talk with you. Something that I was thinking about while hearing this story is that "this is good advice after you've got your foot in the door but that's the hardest part isn't it? Clay only had an interest in talking with you because he recognized you as someone he might want to talk to because he saw you from youtube and he does youtube."
Your career gave you an active draw through mutual interest so he chose to engage with you. You stood out from the crowd because he recognized you, and that's not something everyone has. It was effortless because you had an in. It's great to know how to keep a conversation flowing but it has to start first, if you weren't a public face he probably would have just said thanks and you would have went home. And yeah I get that part of fostering these interaction sis going to spaces with like minded people who probably share your interests but even then sharing an interests isn't a guarantee they'll be interested in you specifically. This video seems more about deepening social attraction rather than fostering it.
Even then good conversation skills still take practice, and as you alluded to there's the possibility the other person doesn't share those skills or has baggage that makes deepening social connections challenging for them. I don't think I'd call it effortless, this feels more like one of those situations where you found someone that just clicked in the right way at the right time.
This content is pure gold
I was v skeptical watching this until you said reality seeker and this has actually changed my mind. Quality video thanks man
Idk why I clicked this, I make friends anywhere. But I think this is a good explanation of why. Also the anecdote about the meeting another UA-camr at a bar was pretty cool. Such a neat collision of worlds. But yeah I don’t seek outcomes or anything when interacting with others I just have fun, make jokes, speak on my reality and listen to theirs. Like you said even if you don’t agree with or like their lens, it’s really useful and interesting to hear about it. Unless the person refuses to open up or is genuinely boring or on some bad vibes, but that’s pretty rare and is usually apparent right up front.
great video the reality seeker mindset is quite a good thing
You have a well cultivated outlook on life Cole, that’s why we’re all watching. Cheers
Thank you, it's like you are pulling unsolved problems out of my mind and addressing them in each vid,you help a lot great content.
Wow just how much a 9 minute video can help change your perspective on talking to people! Thanks for this!
Thank you so much Cole. You helped me approach my first girl awhile back and it was amazing.
5:39 onwards is the key. Great video! The reality seeker: I have the chance to experience a completely different universe.
this is really cool. as someone who's moving to a different university soon, im a little nervous at the prospect and sometimes get nervous with socializing especially if i have crushes or whatnot, but this is just really sweet and nice to think of
Oh my god this was actúa so helpful especially the explanation about the universe thing this actually helped me understand thanks so much ❤❤
I've never seen such a positive upvote/downvote ratio! Great video.
I think alcool help me a lot to talk to a person and dont let the coversation die.
I find the best way to make friends is to be somewhere consistently. For me that's the gym. I've made a lot of friends there that I see outside of the gym. Being at a place consistently gives you a lot of time to interact with those people you will see often.
Phenomenal analogy, always wondered why I could only converse like this with certain people but this makes it so much clearer in retrospect, subbed
You're the kind of guy I could talk to forever. Very interesting topics
I totally resonate with what you said about people being tiny universes. I tend to bend my reality through reading. 📚
Thanks for this video. After years of dating and hearing "everyone asks me the same questions, be original", I started trying all sorts of things and I completely lost my natural feeling for talking to people. Turns out, the way I talked to people was the proper way to connect, they just weren't the persons with enough information in their 'universe' to have such conversations.
I’m a critic when it comes to phycological breakthroughs but this is just mind blowing 🎉
Loved this. I was very open and down to socialize in the past but kinda lost it recently. This motivated me to meet new people. thanks man!
Sounds like a bromance! Good for you my man 👍🏻
That was perfect storytelling!