When I first got with my husband, I couldn't wrap my head around the amount of love I was getting and how amazing I was being treated. I was struggling with accepting myself and didn't see how he could be so nice to me. I spent years in disbelief that this was genuine, because I didn't think I was worthy. As my self esteem improved, I began to accept that this love/adoration was real and deserving. I now bask in all its glory without doubting it.
Was in a relationship for less than a month. He seemed good, then all of a sudden started being upset, moody, when I asked what's wrong, he'd first pretend to okay, painting me as the crazy one, then he'd be mean then play victim. I tolerated this twice. The third time he started, i pulled the plug I loved myself enough not to be subjected to phycological abuse
Facts! My partner treats me like a Queen because way before I met him, I treated MYSELF like a Queen and wouldn't date anyone who couldn't match that AND add to.
I think this is generally true, but with a caveat. Loving yourself does help you to choose healthier partners - I've seen it in my life for sure. However, there are some people that are very good actors and love bomb you - and then ACTIVELY work to crush your self esteem - and it can happen to ANYONE. If it happens to you, IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. Just make a plan and get out.
Being a firstborn daughter also, this resonates with me so much. I’ve felt like the protector, but not protected. I embrace my power now where I used to look for it in others. Great topic!
It absolutely has something to do with self love. When you learn that you grew up in dysfunction it is your choice to remain in victim mode or do the work to heal. Whatever that looks like. But if you don't love yourself you won't deem yourself worthy of the partner you seek. And even if you find them you will self sabotage because subconsciously you still don't feel worthy
I don't know about this one. Respectively, there's no such thing as "choosing to remain in victim mode." Being a victim isn't some "mode" that can be switched on and off like a light switch. And no, it's not the victim's responsibility to do any "work" to "heal." That's no different than telling someone to clean up a mess that they, themselves never created. How's that fair? The onus doesn't fall on the victim, it falls on the one(s) who did/caused the victimizing, abuse, trauma, etc.
@@marissa._ Of course, it's not fair that the victim has to do the work, but that's the reality of things. In my opinion, nobody else can do that work for us -- not even those who caused the trauma, even if they wanted to. That's why abuse is so damaging. That being said, seeing TRUE regret for what they did to you can really help. My brother relentlessly bullied both my sister and me when we were growing up. As an adult, he apologized to me but not to her, for some reason. (I think that it might be because I created a boundary by keeping my distance from him, whereas she still locked horns with him.) Because of this apology, I think that I have fewer issues associated with what he did to us than she does. However, I still have some issues from the abuse, and nothing he can say or do can make them go away. *I* have to continue to do the work if I ever want to be completely emotionally healthy.
It is our responsibility to heal ourselves even if we aren’t the ones who caused the harm. If someone spills a drink on you. Maybe on accident or maybe on purpose. They might take responsibility and apologize. If they’re really sorry they might even buy you a replacement outfit. Some people might try to blame you for being in the way and say it’s your fault, or simply walk away and act like nothing happened. No matter what they do you are still wet. Are you going to sit there wet or are you going to get up and change your clothes? As adults we have to do the work to heal ourselves. Nobody else do that work for you, even in the case when they apologize and offer you a replacement, you still have to decide that you deserve not to sit around in wet clothes. You still have to be the one to take off the shirt and jeans and put on clean ones. And to say you don’t have any responsibility means you’ll sit in those wet clothes until they come and change you. But you’re not a baby. You can be hurt and upset that they did this to you. You didn’t choose to get wet, understandable. But you’re making a decision to stay wet. And that’s victim mentality. You have to decide you deserve healing regardless of what the other person does or doesn’t do.
It was true for me! My childhood and adolescence growing up in the foster care system was a haze of sexual abuse and emotional neglect. Not unsurprisingly , it damaged me to the core! I was so starved for any sort of love and affection that I subconsciously accepted it from anyone who offered. I never dared pursue men who looked like they had it all together because who would want me? I was a classic codependent and tried to fix broken men because I felt that it would somehow fix me by proxy.. I very much hated myself and I was a hot mess until maybe 5 years ago. My life has changed immensely since I've recognized the trauma and worked so hard to heal myself. At this point, I don't think any man is good enough for me lol 🤣
Thank you for sharing your story. It made me reflect and think about my own experiences and why I've settled for anyone that was just basic nice to me. Being treated nicely was better than being abused, right. But they turned out to be abusers too because their wasn't really all that nice. I was being a sucker for less than bare minimum. I'm glad that I'm doing so much better now. But like you, now it feels like I really need to expand my circle and experiences because I haven't met anyone who's truly worthy. Blessings to you on your journey ❤
This was ME TOO! 😵 I was so desperate for love and attention and my bar was SO low 😢 An abuser zeroed in on me, lickitty split! I was married to him for 14 years, also attempting to heal myself through fixing HIM and his own brokenness....but it kept getting worse. Choosing to leave him was the FIRST thing I've ever done for myself!! At 38!! I'm now 43, I'm remarried to an absolutely amazing husband who is worthy of me and I of him. The peace and consistent mutual respect is astounding and soooo different from my first marriage! Peace abounds! (But I'm still working on me with the full support and delight of my hubby, who is also healing himself)❤❤❤❤
"You didn't love yourself enough, so that's why you picked an abuser. It's your fault!" "My man is soooo perfect! That means I love myself." (as he cheats behind your back) "I've been through a lot, and I'm able to just be neutral about myself." These ppl: "Well, then you're just gonna pick someone...gasp!...NORMAL. You don't love yourself!!!11!!" I'm tired of people finding ways to gratify their egos and indirectly puff themselves up through these nebulous self-help teachings! I've dated wonderful men, but I don't deserve some weird sort of pat on the back for it, just like other women don't deserve to be told they're self-hating because their so-called great man decided to show his a$$ like many of them do. Stop perpetuating this nonsense!
If you love and value yourself, you will walk away from anyone that devalues you, mistreats you, and whose values do not align with yours. We all experience self-doubt, but if you truly have self-love, you'll always choose your wellbeing. A loving, caring and devoted partner/friend/kin brings out the best you ❤
But your self-esteem is impacted by the level of love you've received. Unless you've done a lot of emotional work, if you haven't been loved correctly as a child you will also not know how to love yourself
Possibly contrary to popular belief, I don’t believe pink shirt girl was that wrong. In fact, she brought a lot of healthy nuance to the situation. The job analogy is useful, but not exactly a one to one comparison. I just feel like, if you were to boil it down, she is saying the same thing as the others, but for whatever reason she doesn’t see it that way. How you take those experiences and define yourself would still be reflective of self love.
I get the part about parents....but at the same time.... I....I'm not so sure...because if there is one thing I learned growing up in a physical, verbal and psychologically/emotionally abusive home....is I NEVER want to endure that again for as LONG as I live...I stay away from it.. far away. It's like the first time you learn what "hot" is as a toddler... never again will you touch a hot iron or heater
We're all different people with different backgrounds. Of course this is not the only reason! But for some it is. There's no need to think in absolutes.
This…the topics that seem to gain the most traction on here are those that start strong on absolutes: more fuel to the fire can be applied and/or polarizing discourse also adds to the engagement. This topic can’t be seen as black or white just as most things in life.
When I let go of toxic family members and built on my self-esteem and self love…that is when my partner came in full force. Not only do I love myself but I have a partner giving even MORE love. Got a puppy too that just adds to all the love❤️❤️❤️Now I’m just living and basking in love as if it’s the sun and it’s fucking dope!
My parents were terrible to the point I am diagnosed with so many things. But IT IS TIME WE STOP USING OUR PARENTS AS A CROTCH. We have too much resources right now to be in the same position. Your parents influence your self-esteem. So the girl in the pink shirt is just making excuses. Yes, if you stay in a bad job, it is about self-esteem too. YOU ARE NOT A TREE YOU CAN MOVE!!!!
I think it can be circumstances too. My spouse and I are in a healthy relationship for the most part. But when life shakes us up, like death of a loved one, self-evolutions, both my pregnancies, or that time of the month (for me) sometimes I’m emotionally unavailable. Sometimes he’s emotionally unavailable. There are times when they cross paths and were not emotionally available for one another and we have to find that emotional support from friends, family, or counselors, or couples therapy. And that’s okay 👌 I respect that space we give each other to process whatever is happening internally. I think we reflect each other in the good times and bad times. Still very much self-loving and all those things.
Clearly these ppl have never met a narcissist 🤣 It sounds legit but it isn't. Actors, Liars exist, Manipulators and trauma based decisions exist. Let's stop blaming ppl based on what considers them food
Not only did someone literally say they did but those scenarios would still be reflected back on to you. At some point you need to want to grow up and be a properly functioning adult human, and take accountability for your trauma based actions so they don’t get you in trouble. You can be blindsided by a one-off manipulator, sure. But, if you keep finding yourself in relationships with those people, at some point, logically, you need to start looking inward. Why are you such a great target for them?
I agree. You can meet the most wonderful person, and they can turn out to be abusive. People love bomb, lie, and manipulate. You will never know someone until time passes. However. We r responsible if we choose to stay.
@@sherriew36 I agree with you but I wonder, how many of these situations had no red flag? More than likely, there were several red flags that were ignored, and doesnt have to be their interaction with you, so i feel it still comes back to us. Maybe, how we define love is part of the problem.
i have to disagree. some women just get lucky to have a good man. some women end up with doctors that sold them dreams of happiness and still get dogged out and put up with it.
People want any excuse to feel better and more favored than others. They learn real quick when their supposed perfect person does something awful, as we see on the daily through social media, lol.
The putting up part is where you don't love yourself enough not the part that you get fooled but staying after realizing you've been fooled that's the part
@@beautyininsanity421People want any excuse to bring someone down a peg or two when that person publicly speaks about their happy relationship. And then you wonder why women make videos online asking "Why do women happily married to high value men don't share their secrets"?
@@aprilchow-chee5281exactly. Accepting the treatment and staying is not a given like the other commentator was insinuating. This is where the self love should kick in.
The girl in the pink is the only one who was spot on and it is obvious that she has a grasp on psychology while many of these other women were just speaking out of the same sort of pop social media ego driven sort of self love cliches that just creates more people who arent personally accountable.
lol This was a said differently in a popular quote from the 2000s when ‘The Perks of Being a Wallflower’ movie and book came out it goes “We accept the love we think we deserve”. So, this concept has been around for a while but everyone is on separate journeys and sometimes different wording helps people understand the same concept in a way they resonate with more.
I agree with the last clip (girl in pink shirt) and a lot of what she says goes over some people's heads. It seems like a lot of judging and shaming women for men's actions. Seems like we're back to the choose better discourse all over again. No one starts off knowing everything there is to know about relationships. We all learn a thing or two along the way, for some the learning curve is steeper. Even people who grew up in healthy and supportive homes can fall victim to manipulation and all kinds of predatory dating practices that some men use. It does not mean the person didn't love themselves. It also takes more than self love to actually learn to choose better or make better choices in life overall, not just in romantic relationships. It takes practice and experience and over time you learn to embody that knowledge. Stop judging others just because you know a little something about self love, allow them to grow into that knowledge just as you did.
10:35 She's 100% right . This is the nuanced discussion we need to have. A lot of women growth discussion end up in a harassing/misogynistic tone, blaming women for our socio-economic problems. Instead of lifting women and having deeper conversation to find actual solutions that benefit us
I love myself. I'm so egotistic. however I used to be very obsessive and that led to me ignoring some red flags because I was in the process of fixing myself. I taught myself how to be patient and not get super jealous all the time. Now I have a partner that treats me like his queen and all that effort I put into myself makes this relationship healthy.
The job analogy is stupid. Pink shirt proved the point of the video Most women suffering in relationships, I find, have stayed in terrible jobs for decades. It translates, settling transfers to every area. I'm sick of her excuses.
I might not love myself very much but I am absolutely in love with my future children and I want their father to be amazing so I'm not going to settle.
I think is more of a parent thing for me. Because I love myself so much I just think nobody can love me more than my parents and my parents truly barely love me so it confuses me haha let me make a therapy appt
I disagree it depends on whats going on in her life at that time. Water will find its level true but also the type a guy a women would date in their early twenties will be different then who she chooses in her early thirties and forties.
In theory, it should be true, but I have a lot of women, in my circles, where this is definitely not true. My divorced friend, with 3 kids, DID love herself and did a lot of work on herself before she married her ex-husband. He turned out to be a narcissist. He was one of her best friends before they started a romantic relationship and got married. Narcissistic abuse can break even the people who love themselves the most.
The reality is that you’re going to run into toxic people all throughout life and people can also change. These conversations make it seem so absolute and it doesn’t work that way in real life. Self love is what will allow you to walk away when it no longer serves you or starts to cause you harm. Your friend choosing divorce, though it may have been painful, is self love ❤
Theres also a dynamic of like attracting like, birds of a feather. If we are attracting the same types of partners, often they are mirrors of ourselves. Alot of people are in toxic relationships because they themselves were toxic but we always like to see the other person as the problem.
Anyone who's on a journey of self love and self discovery~ I cannot suggest this therapy enough: IFS (internal family systems) work is INCREDIBLE!!!! I have healed more in the past 2 months with this modality than YEARS of talk therapy!! ❤❤❤❤
I agree. I gravitate towards women who treat me like sh*t because I don’t love myself. My parents treated me like trash and I watched my mom be in a marriage where she was treated like sh*t until my no good father divorced her. I’m now taking a break from dating, and I’m in therapy working on healing my trauma.
You can tell how much a woman loves herself by how happy she is and successful in her own way without the need of a romantic partner or anyone else to validate her. This conversation still putting men as the center of one’s life. When are we going to learn that we are whole and other people/relationships do not define us and that romantic relationships are not for everyone. I am single, celibate and happy. Living my best life focusing on me and my daughter
I believe can be a multitude of factors, for me it was how I was raised. I was taught that relationships are nothing but drama and to avoid it at all costs. I was never taught about having good self esteem (it was seen as being arrogant), so I avoided dating or when I did meet someone I went overboard and it ended badly. Working through my trauma has helped me work on myself, watch out for red flags, and love me for me.
A parents love is way different, so I do not agree with that. I have seen kids grow up loved and still get dragged by a SO. Who you chose to be with is a direct reflection of where you’re at maturity wise, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. If you love yourself like you are supposed to you will be self aware of not only yourself, but other people enough to see red flags and RUN.
I automatically assume everyone calling people narcissistic are narcissists themselves. Stop with the damn excuses. PLEASE 🗣🗣🗣 Most of you have never met one and I pray you don't 😅
You can also see how much a woman loves herself by what she looks like when she leaves the house and how she keeps her house and her car and the food she eats
I don't think it's victim blaming. To keep from getting into the same situation repeatedly, we have to do introspection. I can't speak for other religions but as a Christian, if we follow the Bible, we would realize what love is and how we should love and be loved. If you stay in a relationship that is unhealthy, yes, your reason maybe fear and that's valid but that just means your fear is greater than your love for yourself. The statement is simple but also profound if you think deeply.
The last woman that spoke was wrong on too many levels. You attract many men but it's your level of self esteem that accepts that man. The man you choose is a reflection of your inner world. She was triggered in that response because she is irresponsible, wants to blame others for her poor choices, and do not want to have self reflection (probably a narcissist). Narcissistic people blame everyone and everything around them before blaming their poor choices. They have no self reflection.
Exactly. Your parents influence your esteem, so what was her point? She proved the point. And the job analogy is real. Most women suffering in relationships I find have stayed in terrible jobs for decades. It translates, settling transfers to every area. I'm sick of her excuses.
I totally DISAGREE with that statement. Both of my husbands were not right for me and it had nothing to do with how I felt about myself or you draw the kind of people that you are. I merely chose them because of their POTENTIAL as many women do. Did they ever rise to the POTENTIAL I saw in them? YES they did. As long as they had me in their life they were doing very well. When they lost me that's when they begin to deteriorate and fell by the waste side. That saying "you attract what you are" is another ball face lie. I attract people who WANT WHAT I HAVE which is confidence and a very, very healthy self-esteem. Because I LOVED myself and esteemed MYSELF very HIGHLY I did NOT STAY with them once they CHEATED on me or DISRESPECTED me. I would CUT THEM OFF faster than you can spell it. So don't believe the HYPE ladies when they say if you attract garbage that's because you feel you are garbage...Again, that's a BALL FACE LIE! I knew then and I know now, My WORTH which is why I don't TOLERATE any kind of ABUSE...
I can see this from both sides (Destiny you're looking great!) Sometimes when inexperienced, even with high self-esteem you can choose a relationship because you think that the man is amazing, only to find out that he is not. In theory, yes, you can leave, but sometimes there are trade offs and compromises, for instance if children are involved, and you might find yourself agreeing to stay in a sub-optimal marriage, for instance, because it seems to be the best option, all things considered. However, as you grow more experienced, then hopefully you learn to vet people better. So if you manage to avoid settling down early, as you get older and more experienced generally with life it is more likely that the spouse you choose will truly align with your high self worth, hopefully. Unless you let desperation get the better of you!
I would have to disagree about the parents concept because I know a man that comes from parents that married young, they respect each other, I mean his parents are AMAZING to each other still married to this day! As for the man I speak of, he wants what his parents has but because of childhood trauma that doesn’t stem from his parents but other family members, he is unstable mentally and emotionally, is a narcissistic, verbally and emotionally abusive! So to the parents concepts it doesn’t go for everyone, for him he steered away from what he grew up viewing from his parents due to outside trauma and his own experiences in love!
I agree with the nuance-adders. The OP is correct but with some major caveats. All pithy sayings and cliches are gonna lack nuance so we gotta do the critical thinking, not just accept them as wisdom on face value
At what point are adults going to stop blaming their parents/guardians and childhood for everything? People make choices. I agree. People pick their significant others based on their self-esteem.
Read about narcissistic families. You can leave and they’ll meddle in your adult relationships to punish you indirectly for not tolerating their abuse. Toxic friends are similar.
I think I get what you're saying and you're right but it's deeper than that at times.... Trauma bonding is real so are soul ties.... If you have ever experienced trauma especially childhood trauma it does something to your brain & you pick ppl for that void not necessarily self-esteem.... I can promise it's not always about that but ppl that have never been to therapy or experienced serious trauma would never understand. However I'm with you ppl can't continue to blame parents but it does mold you so that's where self awareness and choices come.
@AshleyBaker-vr7iw Yes, people have dysfunctional families. That's a part of some people's reality. Adults make choices. Either continue to be a victim or make better choices and strive to make a better life.
@@AshleyBaker-vr7iwThat’s why it’s up to that person to detach from toxic mess like that. Family or not. Just because their family don’t mean stick around. Loving from a far is beneficial to your peace.
I gotta say that so many men are bad in bed that when you give in to one that makes your knees shake, his character is not a reflection on you. You just know he is a rare find. The main thing is that you don't fall for him, marry him, or let him get you pregnant. Happy days. ;-) (Your rare find was a woman's last heartbreak.)
That girl in the pink shirt was wrong as two left shoes. She proved the OP's point. Your parent's interaction with each other and you, religion, all that influences how you love each other. Someone that loves and values themselves will not choose someone abusive. That's just categorically false
That's right! I came here to say that. She's acting obtuse. Like, loving yourself makes you walk away from situations that don't suit you! She's so wrong
Thats true as someone who was strong willed, I loved someone so much I didn't walk away, therapy and healing I will never allow that shit again in my life.@theechubbyone
She keeps saying victim blaming, but thats not what the other girls were saying, theyre saying at the end of the day, only you can change, you cant change the other person, but you can leave when the guy has changed, the pay analogy made no sense, you can go broke without a job, you dont "have" to be in a relationship, we are not speaking about a relationship where he is threatening to kill you ffs, of course took extra precautions involve police first for those, we are talking about the relationships where he puts you down and doesnt treat you well At the end of the day, shes basically telling women to stay in bad relationships because we cant do anything about it, instead of empowering women from early on when you see bad signs leave at the beginning, dont accept it and stay in the relationship acting worst and worst treatment
The girl in the pink was actually the only one that made any real sense. She obviously has a background in basic child and adult psychology or at least has grasped it. Our early childhood orientation is THE major factor in how our perception of relationships and the opposite sex is formed. If people arent aware of that,(usually through therapy) they will unconsciously be drawn to people or situations that replicate whatever that scenario was from childhood. Its only made worse with people adopting these sort of pop psychology sort of self love cliches and calling themselves royalty. It becomes a way to blind yourself to your own flaws and to whats happening in your inner world and you end up engaging in a self indulgent pattern where everything is always wrong with the partner you chose, you are always the victim and you dont ever make any connections between your early childhood and your current situation.
Everybody's right on this one! There's room for nuance and I think words/semantics really matter (the lady at about 10:35 hits it for me). I am at the tail end/conclusion of a toxic, one-sided "situation-ship." I love myself, period, and I pray that everyone does. With that out of the way, I strongly identify with your experience, Destiny 💞. I may have been attracted to this guy because of a trauma bond of shared experience and culture - that's ok (he is fine and skilled, so that makes it hard to say goodbye!). He and I have a shared bond and love, but he has not done the work and thinks it's fine to act like a King Baby. No, absolutely not. I'm your lover, not your mother and I'm not here to manage your life, clean your apartment and have you take out your frustrations and insecurities out on me. So, I said "goodbye" seven days from this writing. I pray that my fellow Queens keep loving themselves and learning from other women. Please, let's gatekeep our love for those ready to recieve it. Thank you so much, Destiny! This one was really great!
11:35 she was RIGHT ON POINT!!!! i feel like most of us tend to choose partners like our parents, for example my dad goes hard on the beer, guess who chose a boyfriend who like to get hammered; my sisterrr. my ex's mum was a photocopy of me, she looked liked me, she had the same value as me and we become good friends very quickly, guess what my ex was a mama's boy ( I think he loved me because I was almost like his mum in some ways or I remind him of his mum)
It's not just about self-love; it's about stepping into your POWER. I kiiiiinda see where girl in the pink shirt was going with the whole work analogy, but all of the things she was mentioning as barriers to leaving a toxic job are within someone's power to fix. Even if it means leaving like a thief in the night and figuring the rest out later (lol). Doesn't mean it won't be difficult, but there ARE solutions. Same goes with self-love, becoming aware of and breaking toxic cycles, generational curses, starting/prioritizing self-care, etc. IT. TAKES. WORK. And a lot of times, the work feels really shitty. You may not feel the self-love in the moment, but you damn sure won't be able to cling to the self-victimization if you're actually doing something to change your situation, and that's EMPOWERING.
The girl in the pink shirt was just triggered. If the relationship you have with your parents or your religious values put you in a position to accept a partner that does not treat you well, then by proxy those things have literally led YOU to a place where you don’t love yourself enough, hence your choice in a partner. She said a whole lot of nothing
Exactly. My abuse from my parents terrify even abused people. Guess what? I did the self work, and I REFUSE TO SETTLE. It has inspired me to do better, to pick differently.
@@mogulmade Which is exactly what you should do. Unlike miss pink shirt with the mental gymnastics about how she loves herself but stays with someone that mistreats her. I don’t blame her cause she needs to learn, but she also needs the wisdom to not be in denial. It’s hard to admit that you live your life riddled with a lack of self-love and make choices from a place of low self-esteem. That’s why she’s staying there.
So the women who get “cheated on “ are definitely horrible to themselves. I hate talking to women who always try to find ways to excuse men mistreating them. They are competitive and always play that “main and side” game. In any role you play in a dude’s life- if you knowingly assist him in harming another woman- you will forever have to deal with him sneaking and disrespecting you. Him keeping you around for years- even in the same home does not mean much.
The only issue with the woman equating both parents to how much we love ourselves is those of us who’s one parent passed away at a young age. I’ve still find myself loving myself more than those with two healthy problems. Nuance is key here and going one more level deeper than just the attachment theories is key.
Your remaining caretakers must have treated you with love and care, because it’s IMPOSSIBLE to have good self esteem and know how to identify and accept love from the jump without having not been abused or neglected as a child. You are the one who isn’t getting the “nuance” of this matter, and the attachment theories are fact at this point, regardless of how mainstream psych dismisses them.
Your remaining caretakers must have treated you with love and care, because it’s IMPOSSIBLE to have good self esteem and know how to identify and accept love from the jump without having not been abused or neglected as a child. You are the one who isn’t getting the “nuance” of this matter, and the attachment theories are fact at this point, regardless of how mainstream psych dismisses them.
You can have a wonderful childhood with parents who loved you deeply and you can love yourself and STILL make bad decisions. I know I made a bad decision at the age of 34 because I was getting desperate for marriage and children. I picked a man that I could build because he had a lot of potential. And of course, I built him into a better man for another woman. When I left that relationships, I landed straight into the arms of an absolutely insane narcissist. He was appealing to me because I was trying to compensate for some things that were missing in my last relationship. Luckily, the narc relationship didn't last long. Now I'm just alone, not looking at all, and happy to me by myself. Overall, my point is just that people with healthy childhoods and high self esteem can still make some bad decisions depending on their mindsets in that particular moment. For me, I was feeling the pressure of turning 35 with no kids and no husband.
YES I am trying to get healthier and love myself more.....just deleted my dating apps til I get myself in a better spot. I was taken advantage of OMG it was aweful. If I loved myself more he would have not been on a pedestal and out the door faster.
I didn’t have the best loving home like the Asian lady but her situation marriage wise best describes my marriage and how my husband loves me because my family didn’t show up for me how they should’ve but certain members of family and my mom did give me that love but it wasn’t constant 24/7 but through the grace of God I got over those traumas and therapy and found my husband once I was mentally free and healed from my childhood traumas and emotional abuse from certain relatives and trust me ladies once you have confidence and know what you stand for you won’t fall for anything except what you feel is best for you ❤🎉 you do accept the love you think you deserve and through this thing called LIFE sometimes it takes time and to learn but it’s absolutely possible to find the man of YOUR dreams ❤
The girl in pink likening relationships to work is not a good comparison, imo. Also, if you stay in a bad job because you don't have the qualifications for a better position, if we were to liken this to a relationship it means that a person is staying in a relationship becuase they don't think they can better. Isn't that a lack of self love? Staying in a bad situation whether it be a job or relationship, it could still be looked at as a lack of self love. It's just that your fears, which is valid, have greater prominence. Loving yourself means that you will not accept being treated a certain whether it be on the job or in a relationship. A person like this, even of they stay in the situation for a while, will be planning their escape.
She said you can tell how much a woman loves herself based off the partner she chooses. And if she doesn't have a partner?! 🤨 Does it show how much the woman loves herself if she's happily single? 🤔 Edit: Unpopular opinion: I understood what the girl in the pink shirt was saying at 10:35. 🤷 There's some people in the comments saying the girl in pink was wrong. I don't think she was necessarily wrong. I also disagree with this statement, personally and it does sound a little bit like victim-blaming to me. 🤷 Don't get me wrong, I'm ALL for accountability. 💯 Absolutely. However, the onus needs to fall on the abuser, not the person being abused. Keep in mind, men are very fake (*some women are too*) and they know how to put up a front/facade/play until they get what they want/are looking for. They wine and dine you and then switch up and show their true colors/abusive nature. Its not fair to blame the woman in those instances when they're the victims at the end of the day. And when a guy is being abusive, manipulative, narcissistic, gaslighting, etc., that's not a direct correlation that she "doesn't" love herself. But that's just me. 🤷
💯 try not to date when you have lower self esteem....that's tough sometimes but it helps you attract more like...i.e. if you feel good/love yourself you will have standards that make you main character in your story
She ate that up! Now why is she screaming at past me idk 😭😭 i definitely needed this some years ago 💀much better now. But also the company you keep is a reflection of you, that includes everyone 😌 or what you feel you deserve/ are owed 12:59 i get where she’s coming from but like it doesn’t sound like that to me, as a survivor of DV. No it was not my fault, but i also should’ve left earlier. I was in such a bad place because of that, low self esteem, the way i was raised, and my friends all that. It wasn’t my fault for how he was acting, but i should’ve prioritized myself and my happiness and safety. I didn’t really love or care for myself, whatever happened, happened. That was my mindset tho. Totally different now once i did start loving and caring for myself. So i get it, but i think that’s kinda negative to ‘sum’ it up as her victim blaming. But i can’t tell anyone how to take anything, just as someone who was a DV relationship and was victim blamed, a lot.
The woman in the pink shirt is not relatable because my mother did not date my ENTIRE childhood… so what about me? And I didn’t grow up religious. I had to figure it out myself. Very narrow minded
This applies to your friend circle too. If they’re not elevating you “it’s a cage, not a circle”.
Preach!
A word!!❤
Oooo good one
Can you ask a man this same question?
The MAN CHOOSES THE MARRIAGE The WOMAN CHOOSES TO KEEP THE CHILD ///GET IT RIGHT
LOL you a real keyboard warrior huh? 🤡
lol 😂😂😂
Where did you come out from.
If a woman does not choose this marriage .. there’s no marriage 😢😂
U May be CRAZY
@@ruthmchuwen A WOMAN ONLY SAYS YES BUT MEN Are GATEKEEPERS OF MARRIAGES
@@MojoeHart you maybe confused 🥲
When I first got with my husband, I couldn't wrap my head around the amount of love I was getting and how amazing I was being treated. I was struggling with accepting myself and didn't see how he could be so nice to me. I spent years in disbelief that this was genuine, because I didn't think I was worthy. As my self esteem improved, I began to accept that this love/adoration was real and deserving. I now bask in all its glory without doubting it.
NICE!!
Go sis😊
Amazing! Thanks for sharing!!🫶🫶🫶🙏🙏❤️❤️
Beautiful ❤
This made me cry. This is how I felt when I met my husband. ❤
Was in a relationship for less than a month. He seemed good, then all of a sudden started being upset, moody, when I asked what's wrong, he'd first pretend to okay, painting me as the crazy one, then he'd be mean then play victim. I tolerated this twice. The third time he started, i pulled the plug
I loved myself enough not to be subjected to phycological abuse
Facts! My partner treats me like a Queen because way before I met him, I treated MYSELF like a Queen and wouldn't date anyone who couldn't match that AND add to.
🎯🎯🎯
This applies to anyone. Improve yourself and raise your standards people!
I think this is generally true, but with a caveat. Loving yourself does help you to choose healthier partners - I've seen it in my life for sure. However, there are some people that are very good actors and love bomb you - and then ACTIVELY work to crush your self esteem - and it can happen to ANYONE. If it happens to you, IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. Just make a plan and get out.
Being a firstborn daughter also, this resonates with me so much. I’ve felt like the protector, but not protected. I embrace my power now where I used to look for it in others. Great topic!
I feel the same way as the oldest
It absolutely has something to do with self love. When you learn that you grew up in dysfunction it is your choice to remain in victim mode or do the work to heal. Whatever that looks like. But if you don't love yourself you won't deem yourself worthy of the partner you seek. And even if you find them you will self sabotage because subconsciously you still don't feel worthy
Well said!! 👏🏾
I don't know about this one.
Respectively, there's no such thing as "choosing to remain in victim mode." Being a victim isn't some "mode" that can be switched on and off like a light switch. And no, it's not the victim's responsibility to do any "work" to "heal." That's no different than telling someone to clean up a mess that they, themselves never created. How's that fair? The onus doesn't fall on the victim, it falls on the one(s) who did/caused the victimizing, abuse, trauma, etc.
@@marissa._ Of course, it's not fair that the victim has to do the work, but that's the reality of things. In my opinion, nobody else can do that work for us -- not even those who caused the trauma, even if they wanted to. That's why abuse is so damaging. That being said, seeing TRUE regret for what they did to you can really help. My brother relentlessly bullied both my sister and me when we were growing up. As an adult, he apologized to me but not to her, for some reason. (I think that it might be because I created a boundary by keeping my distance from him, whereas she still locked horns with him.) Because of this apology, I think that I have fewer issues associated with what he did to us than she does. However, I still have some issues from the abuse, and nothing he can say or do can make them go away. *I* have to continue to do the work if I ever want to be completely emotionally healthy.
It is our responsibility to heal ourselves even if we aren’t the ones who caused the harm. If someone spills a drink on you. Maybe on accident or maybe on purpose. They might take responsibility and apologize. If they’re really sorry they might even buy you a replacement outfit. Some people might try to blame you for being in the way and say it’s your fault, or simply walk away and act like nothing happened. No matter what they do you are still wet. Are you going to sit there wet or are you going to get up and change your clothes? As adults we have to do the work to heal ourselves. Nobody else do that work for you, even in the case when they apologize and offer you a replacement, you still have to decide that you deserve not to sit around in wet clothes. You still have to be the one to take off the shirt and jeans and put on clean ones. And to say you don’t have any responsibility means you’ll sit in those wet clothes until they come and change you. But you’re not a baby. You can be hurt and upset that they did this to you. You didn’t choose to get wet, understandable. But you’re making a decision to stay wet. And that’s victim mentality.
You have to decide you deserve healing regardless of what the other person does or doesn’t do.
@@geminisagittariusleo5363 Great analogy!
It was true for me! My childhood and adolescence growing up in the foster care system was a haze of sexual abuse and emotional neglect. Not unsurprisingly , it damaged me to the core! I was so starved for any sort of love and affection that I subconsciously accepted it from anyone who offered. I never dared pursue men who looked like they had it all together because who would want me? I was a classic codependent and tried to fix broken men because I felt that it would somehow fix me by proxy.. I very much hated myself and I was a hot mess until maybe 5 years ago. My life has changed immensely since I've recognized the trauma and worked so hard to heal myself. At this point, I don't think any man is good enough for me lol 🤣
Thank you for sharing your story. It made me reflect and think about my own experiences and why I've settled for anyone that was just basic nice to me. Being treated nicely was better than being abused, right. But they turned out to be abusers too because their wasn't really all that nice. I was being a sucker for less than bare minimum. I'm glad that I'm doing so much better now. But like you, now it feels like I really need to expand my circle and experiences because I haven't met anyone who's truly worthy.
Blessings to you on your journey ❤
This was ME TOO! 😵
I was so desperate for love and attention and my bar was SO low 😢 An abuser zeroed in on me, lickitty split! I was married to him for 14 years, also attempting to heal myself through fixing HIM and his own brokenness....but it kept getting worse.
Choosing to leave him was the FIRST thing I've ever done for myself!! At 38!!
I'm now 43, I'm remarried to an absolutely amazing husband who is worthy of me and I of him. The peace and consistent mutual respect is astounding and soooo different from my first marriage!
Peace abounds! (But I'm still working on me with the full support and delight of my hubby, who is also healing himself)❤❤❤❤
"You didn't love yourself enough, so that's why you picked an abuser. It's your fault!"
"My man is soooo perfect! That means I love myself." (as he cheats behind your back)
"I've been through a lot, and I'm able to just be neutral about myself." These ppl: "Well, then you're just gonna pick someone...gasp!...NORMAL. You don't love yourself!!!11!!"
I'm tired of people finding ways to gratify their egos and indirectly puff themselves up through these nebulous self-help teachings! I've dated wonderful men, but I don't deserve some weird sort of pat on the back for it, just like other women don't deserve to be told they're self-hating because their so-called great man decided to show his a$$ like many of them do. Stop perpetuating this nonsense!
You have a point.
That's literally what it's giving. It seems like yet another way to judge and put women down.
If you love and value yourself, you will walk away from anyone that devalues you, mistreats you, and whose values do not align with yours. We all experience self-doubt, but if you truly have self-love, you'll always choose your wellbeing. A loving, caring and devoted partner/friend/kin brings out the best you ❤
The Asian woman nailed it & the pink/red shirt lady ❤... Its shows the measure of love you received not necessarily self-esteem
But your self-esteem is impacted by the level of love you've received. Unless you've done a lot of emotional work, if you haven't been loved correctly as a child you will also not know how to love yourself
@@hrf1954 exactly, i think she was caught up in trying to not victim blame that she didn't realize it came right back to that.
But theyre linked, its still your own self esteem
They are directly related.
It ain’t even love, it’s respect
No one ever talks about self respect
Girl in pink tshirt must have felt called out😂😂😂😂
Hit dogs holler
I understand completely what she was expressing 😊
Exactly, thats exactly what I heard, she doesnt want to take accountability
@@ZandraSoSmiley
I understood her too.
I'm not sure why people are singling her out. 🤷
I thought she was spot on.
Exactly. She got a crappy partner. And isn’t ready to leave.
Possibly contrary to popular belief, I don’t believe pink shirt girl was that wrong. In fact, she brought a lot of healthy nuance to the situation. The job analogy is useful, but not exactly a one to one comparison. I just feel like, if you were to boil it down, she is saying the same thing as the others, but for whatever reason she doesn’t see it that way. How you take those experiences and define yourself would still be reflective of self love.
I get the part about parents....but at the same time.... I....I'm not so sure...because if there is one thing I learned growing up in a physical, verbal and psychologically/emotionally abusive home....is I NEVER want to endure that again for as LONG as I live...I stay away from it.. far away. It's like the first time you learn what "hot" is as a toddler... never again will you touch a hot iron or heater
We're all different people with different backgrounds. Of course this is not the only reason! But for some it is. There's no need to think in absolutes.
This…the topics that seem to gain the most traction on here are those that start strong on absolutes: more fuel to the fire can be applied and/or polarizing discourse also adds to the engagement. This topic can’t be seen as black or white just as most things in life.
When I let go of toxic family members and built on my self-esteem and self love…that is when my partner came in full force. Not only do I love myself but I have a partner giving even MORE love. Got a puppy too that just adds to all the love❤️❤️❤️Now I’m just living and basking in love as if it’s the sun and it’s fucking dope!
No lies detected. If he treats you like garbage that's how you feel about yourself
My parents were terrible to the point I am diagnosed with so many things. But IT IS TIME WE STOP USING OUR PARENTS AS A CROTCH. We have too much resources right now to be in the same position. Your parents influence your self-esteem. So the girl in the pink shirt is just making excuses. Yes, if you stay in a bad job, it is about self-esteem too. YOU ARE NOT A TREE YOU CAN MOVE!!!!
I think it can be circumstances too.
My spouse and I are in a healthy relationship for the most part.
But when life shakes us up, like death of a loved one, self-evolutions, both my pregnancies, or that time of the month (for me) sometimes I’m emotionally unavailable.
Sometimes he’s emotionally unavailable.
There are times when they cross paths and were not emotionally available for one another and we have to find that emotional support from friends, family, or counselors, or couples therapy.
And that’s okay 👌
I respect that space we give each other to process whatever is happening internally.
I think we reflect each other in the good times and bad times.
Still very much self-loving and all those things.
Clearly these ppl have never met a narcissist 🤣
It sounds legit but it isn't. Actors, Liars exist, Manipulators and trauma based decisions exist. Let's stop blaming ppl based on what considers them food
@CeeCeeOnlt87 Have you been in a narcissistic romantic relationship?
Not only did someone literally say they did but those scenarios would still be reflected back on to you. At some point you need to want to grow up and be a properly functioning adult human, and take accountability for your trauma based actions so they don’t get you in trouble.
You can be blindsided by a one-off manipulator, sure. But, if you keep finding yourself in relationships with those people, at some point, logically, you need to start looking inward. Why are you such a great target for them?
I agree. You can meet the most wonderful person, and they can turn out to be abusive. People love bomb, lie, and manipulate. You will never know someone until time passes. However. We r responsible if we choose to stay.
@@sherriew36 I agree with you but I wonder, how many of these situations had no red flag? More than likely, there were several red flags that were ignored, and doesnt have to be their interaction with you, so i feel it still comes back to us. Maybe, how we define love is part of the problem.
@@kikialeaki1850I was a target of one. One was enough for me to learn and never accept that bs in my life again.
i have to disagree. some women just get lucky to have a good man. some women end up with doctors that sold them dreams of happiness and still get dogged out and put up with it.
People want any excuse to feel better and more favored than others. They learn real quick when their supposed perfect person does something awful, as we see on the daily through social media, lol.
The putting up part is where you don't love yourself enough not the part that you get fooled but staying after realizing you've been fooled that's the part
@@beautyininsanity421People want any excuse to bring someone down a peg or two when that person publicly speaks about their happy relationship. And then you wonder why women make videos online asking "Why do women happily married to high value men don't share their secrets"?
@@aprilchow-chee5281exactly. Accepting the treatment and staying is not a given like the other commentator was insinuating. This is where the self love should kick in.
The girl in the pink is the only one who was spot on and it is obvious that she has a grasp on psychology while many of these other women were just speaking out of the same sort of pop social media ego driven sort of self love cliches that just creates more people who arent personally accountable.
Yes I always knew this which is why it’s important to leave the moment he disrespects you
lol This was a said differently in a popular quote from the 2000s when ‘The Perks of Being a Wallflower’ movie and book came out it goes “We accept the love we think we deserve”. So, this concept has been around for a while but everyone is on separate journeys and sometimes different wording helps people understand the same concept in a way they resonate with more.
I agree with the last clip (girl in pink shirt) and a lot of what she says goes over some people's heads. It seems like a lot of judging and shaming women for men's actions. Seems like we're back to the choose better discourse all over again. No one starts off knowing everything there is to know about relationships. We all learn a thing or two along the way, for some the learning curve is steeper. Even people who grew up in healthy and supportive homes can fall victim to manipulation and all kinds of predatory dating practices that some men use. It does not mean the person didn't love themselves. It also takes more than self love to actually learn to choose better or make better choices in life overall, not just in romantic relationships. It takes practice and experience and over time you learn to embody that knowledge. Stop judging others just because you know a little something about self love, allow them to grow into that knowledge just as you did.
10:35 She's 100% right . This is the nuanced discussion we need to have. A lot of women growth discussion end up in a harassing/misogynistic tone, blaming women for our socio-economic problems. Instead of lifting women and having deeper conversation to find actual solutions that benefit us
I love myself. I'm so egotistic. however I used to be very obsessive and that led to me ignoring some red flags because I was in the process of fixing myself. I taught myself how to be patient and not get super jealous all the time. Now I have a partner that treats me like his queen and all that effort I put into myself makes this relationship healthy.
❤
Same. ❤
The job analogy is stupid. Pink shirt proved the point of the video Most women suffering in relationships, I find, have stayed in terrible jobs for decades. It translates, settling transfers to every area. I'm sick of her excuses.
I might not love myself very much but I am absolutely in love with my future children and I want their father to be amazing so I'm not going to settle.
I think is more of a parent thing for me. Because I love myself so much I just think nobody can love me more than my parents and my parents truly barely love me so it confuses me haha let me make a therapy appt
I disagree it depends on whats going on in her life at that time. Water will find its level true but also the type a guy a women would date in their early twenties will be different then who she chooses in her early thirties and forties.
In theory, it should be true, but I have a lot of women, in my circles, where this is definitely not true. My divorced friend, with 3 kids, DID love herself and did a lot of work on herself before she married her ex-husband. He turned out to be a narcissist. He was one of her best friends before they started a romantic relationship and got married. Narcissistic abuse can break even the people who love themselves the most.
The reality is that you’re going to run into toxic people all throughout life and people can also change. These conversations make it seem so absolute and it doesn’t work that way in real life. Self love is what will allow you to walk away when it no longer serves you or starts to cause you harm. Your friend choosing divorce, though it may have been painful, is self love ❤
Theres also a dynamic of like attracting like, birds of a feather. If we are attracting the same types of partners, often they are mirrors of ourselves. Alot of people are in toxic relationships because they themselves were toxic but we always like to see the other person as the problem.
@@Zam919 This is not true when it comes to narcissism. Narcissists often target valuable people.
We can attract ANYONE. But it’s what we entertain. That’s the difference.
I agree, not true from what I have seen either. Luck has way more of a role than anyone wants admit.
So what does it mean when a woman doesn’t choose ?! Would rather stay single.
It means you've opened the eyes, and don't mind being alone because that's how we all came into this world and that's how we'll leave.
Anyone who's on a journey of self love and self discovery~ I cannot suggest this therapy enough: IFS (internal family systems) work is INCREDIBLE!!!! I have healed more in the past 2 months with this modality than YEARS of talk therapy!! ❤❤❤❤
Pink shirt missed the whole point. She needs tutorials.
I agree. I gravitate towards women who treat me like sh*t because I don’t love myself. My parents treated me like trash and I watched my mom be in a marriage where she was treated like sh*t until my no good father divorced her. I’m now taking a break from dating, and I’m in therapy working on healing my trauma.
You can tell how much a woman loves herself by how happy she is and successful in her own way without the need of a romantic partner or anyone else to validate her. This conversation still putting men as the center of one’s life. When are we going to learn that we are whole and other people/relationships do not define us and that romantic relationships are not for everyone. I am single, celibate and happy. Living my best life focusing on me and my daughter
I believe can be a multitude of factors, for me it was how I was raised. I was taught that relationships are nothing but drama and to avoid it at all costs. I was never taught about having good self esteem (it was seen as being arrogant), so I avoided dating or when I did meet someone I went overboard and it ended badly. Working through my trauma has helped me work on myself, watch out for red flags, and love me for me.
A parents love is way different, so I do not agree with that. I have seen kids grow up loved and still get dragged by a SO. Who you chose to be with is a direct reflection of where you’re at maturity wise, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. If you love yourself like you are supposed to you will be self aware of not only yourself, but other people enough to see red flags and RUN.
I automatically assume everyone calling people narcissistic are narcissists themselves. Stop with the damn excuses. PLEASE 🗣🗣🗣 Most of you have never met one and I pray you don't 😅
You can also see how much a woman loves herself by what she looks like when she leaves the house and how she keeps her house and her car and the food she eats
I must hate myself when I run to the store up the street cause baby they’re gonna get these sweats and oversized sweatshirt and ashy ankles lmao 😂
@@sj5218 ashy ankles🤣🤣🤣 Noooo😂
I don't think it's victim blaming. To keep from getting into the same situation repeatedly, we have to do introspection. I can't speak for other religions but as a Christian, if we follow the Bible, we would realize what love is and how we should love and be loved. If you stay in a relationship that is unhealthy, yes, your reason maybe fear and that's valid but that just means your fear is greater than your love for yourself. The statement is simple but also profound if you think deeply.
The last woman that spoke was wrong on too many levels. You attract many men but it's your level of self esteem that accepts that man. The man you choose is a reflection of your inner world. She was triggered in that response because she is irresponsible, wants to blame others for her poor choices, and do not want to have self reflection (probably a narcissist). Narcissistic people blame everyone and everything around them before blaming their poor choices. They have no self reflection.
Yes, and all those other factors she mentioned factor in how you love yourself. So she really proved that it IS about self love
Exactly. Your parents influence your esteem, so what was her point? She proved the point. And the job analogy is real. Most women suffering in relationships I find have stayed in terrible jobs for decades. It translates, settling transfers to every area. I'm sick of her excuses.
I totally DISAGREE with that statement. Both of my husbands were not right for me and it had nothing to do with how I felt about myself or you draw the kind of people that you are. I merely chose them because of their POTENTIAL as many women do. Did they ever rise to the POTENTIAL I saw in them? YES they did. As long as they had me in their life they were doing very well. When they lost me that's when they begin to deteriorate and fell by the waste side. That saying "you attract what you are" is another ball face lie. I attract people who WANT WHAT I HAVE which is confidence and a very, very healthy self-esteem. Because I LOVED myself and esteemed MYSELF very HIGHLY I did NOT STAY with them once they CHEATED on me or DISRESPECTED me. I would CUT THEM OFF faster than you can spell it. So don't believe the HYPE ladies when they say if you attract garbage that's because you feel you are garbage...Again, that's a BALL FACE LIE! I knew then and I know now, My WORTH which is why I don't TOLERATE any kind of ABUSE...
I can see this from both sides (Destiny you're looking great!)
Sometimes when inexperienced, even with high self-esteem you can choose a relationship because you think that the man is amazing, only to find out that he is not. In theory, yes, you can leave, but sometimes there are trade offs and compromises, for instance if children are involved, and you might find yourself agreeing to stay in a sub-optimal marriage, for instance, because it seems to be the best option, all things considered.
However, as you grow more experienced, then hopefully you learn to vet people better. So if you manage to avoid settling down early, as you get older and more experienced generally with life it is more likely that the spouse you choose will truly align with your high self worth, hopefully. Unless you let desperation get the better of you!
I would have to disagree about the parents concept because I know a man that comes from parents that married young, they respect each other, I mean his parents are AMAZING to each other still married to this day! As for the man I speak of, he wants what his parents has but because of childhood trauma that doesn’t stem from his parents but other family members, he is unstable mentally and emotionally, is a narcissistic, verbally and emotionally abusive! So to the parents concepts it doesn’t go for everyone, for him he steered away from what he grew up viewing from his parents due to outside trauma and his own experiences in love!
I agree with the nuance-adders. The OP is correct but with some major caveats. All pithy sayings and cliches are gonna lack nuance so we gotta do the critical thinking, not just accept them as wisdom on face value
At what point are adults going to stop blaming their parents/guardians and childhood for everything?
People make choices. I agree. People pick their significant others based on their self-esteem.
Read about narcissistic families. You can leave and they’ll meddle in your adult relationships to punish you indirectly for not tolerating their abuse. Toxic friends are similar.
I think I get what you're saying and you're right but it's deeper than that at times.... Trauma bonding is real so are soul ties.... If you have ever experienced trauma especially childhood trauma it does something to your brain & you pick ppl for that void not necessarily self-esteem.... I can promise it's not always about that but ppl that have never been to therapy or experienced serious trauma would never understand. However I'm with you ppl can't continue to blame parents but it does mold you so that's where self awareness and choices come.
@AshleyBaker-vr7iw Yes, people have dysfunctional families. That's a part of some people's reality.
Adults make choices. Either continue to be a victim or make better choices and strive to make a better life.
@@AshleyBaker-vr7iwThat’s why it’s up to that person to detach from toxic mess like that. Family or not. Just because their family don’t mean stick around. Loving from a far is beneficial to your peace.
@@anonymous101-sb1bf 🤝 YES! I agree 🫶🏽
I gotta say that so many men are bad in bed that when you give in to one that makes your knees shake, his character is not a reflection on you. You just know he is a rare find.
The main thing is that you don't fall for him, marry him, or let him get you pregnant.
Happy days. ;-)
(Your rare find was a woman's last heartbreak.)
Oooo i never looked at it this way ! 😮😊
That girl in the pink shirt was wrong as two left shoes. She proved the OP's point. Your parent's interaction with each other and you, religion, all that influences how you love each other. Someone that loves and values themselves will not choose someone abusive. That's just categorically false
That's right! I came here to say that. She's acting obtuse. Like, loving yourself makes you walk away from situations that don't suit you! She's so wrong
It doesn't mean bad men won't come your way but those who think highly of themselves will walk away/stand up faster.
Thats true as someone who was strong willed, I loved someone so much I didn't walk away, therapy and healing I will never allow that shit again in my life.@theechubbyone
She keeps saying victim blaming, but thats not what the other girls were saying, theyre saying at the end of the day, only you can change, you cant change the other person, but you can leave when the guy has changed, the pay analogy made no sense, you can go broke without a job, you dont "have" to be in a relationship, we are not speaking about a relationship where he is threatening to kill you ffs, of course took extra precautions involve police first for those, we are talking about the relationships where he puts you down and doesnt treat you well
At the end of the day, shes basically telling women to stay in bad relationships because we cant do anything about it, instead of empowering women from early on when you see bad signs leave at the beginning, dont accept it and stay in the relationship acting worst and worst treatment
The girl in the pink was actually the only one that made any real sense. She obviously has a background in basic child and adult psychology or at least has grasped it. Our early childhood orientation is THE major factor in how our perception of relationships and the opposite sex is formed. If people arent aware of that,(usually through therapy) they will unconsciously be drawn to people or situations that replicate whatever that scenario was from childhood. Its only made worse with people adopting these sort of pop psychology sort of self love cliches and calling themselves royalty. It becomes a way to blind yourself to your own flaws and to whats happening in your inner world and you end up engaging in a self indulgent pattern where everything is always wrong with the partner you chose, you are always the victim and you dont ever make any connections between your early childhood and your current situation.
Everybody's right on this one! There's room for nuance and I think words/semantics really matter (the lady at about 10:35 hits it for me). I am at the tail end/conclusion of a toxic, one-sided "situation-ship." I love myself, period, and I pray that everyone does. With that out of the way, I strongly identify with your experience, Destiny 💞. I may have been attracted to this guy because of a trauma bond of shared experience and culture - that's ok (he is fine and skilled, so that makes it hard to say goodbye!). He and I have a shared bond and love, but he has not done the work and thinks it's fine to act like a King Baby. No, absolutely not. I'm your lover, not your mother and I'm not here to manage your life, clean your apartment and have you take out your frustrations and insecurities out on me. So, I said "goodbye" seven days from this writing.
I pray that my fellow Queens keep loving themselves and learning from other women. Please, let's gatekeep our love for those ready to recieve it. Thank you so much, Destiny! This one was really great!
11:35 she was RIGHT ON POINT!!!!
i feel like most of us tend to choose partners like our parents, for example my dad goes hard on the beer, guess who chose a boyfriend who like to get hammered; my sisterrr. my ex's mum was a photocopy of me, she looked liked me, she had the same value as me and we become good friends very quickly, guess what my ex was a mama's boy ( I think he loved me because I was almost like his mum in some ways or I remind him of his mum)
10:35 could not agree less with this lady
It's not just about self-love; it's about stepping into your POWER. I kiiiiinda see where girl in the pink shirt was going with the whole work analogy, but all of the things she was mentioning as barriers to leaving a toxic job are within someone's power to fix. Even if it means leaving like a thief in the night and figuring the rest out later (lol). Doesn't mean it won't be difficult, but there ARE solutions. Same goes with self-love, becoming aware of and breaking toxic cycles, generational curses, starting/prioritizing self-care, etc. IT. TAKES. WORK. And a lot of times, the work feels really shitty. You may not feel the self-love in the moment, but you damn sure won't be able to cling to the self-victimization if you're actually doing something to change your situation, and that's EMPOWERING.
Thank you for posting this ❤ 🙏
I have to admit this is true. You also leave very quickly, dont tolerate any, or not many, red flags.
The girl in the pink shirt was just triggered. If the relationship you have with your parents or your religious values put you in a position to accept a partner that does not treat you well, then by proxy those things have literally led YOU to a place where you don’t love yourself enough, hence your choice in a partner. She said a whole lot of nothing
Exactly. My abuse from my parents terrify even abused people. Guess what? I did the self work, and I REFUSE TO SETTLE. It has inspired me to do better, to pick differently.
@@mogulmade Which is exactly what you should do. Unlike miss pink shirt with the mental gymnastics about how she loves herself but stays with someone that mistreats her. I don’t blame her cause she needs to learn, but she also needs the wisdom to not be in denial. It’s hard to admit that you live your life riddled with a lack of self-love and make choices from a place of low self-esteem. That’s why she’s staying there.
Good video, I love these topics
So the women who get “cheated on “ are definitely horrible to themselves. I hate talking to women who always try to find ways to excuse men mistreating them. They are competitive and always play that “main and side” game. In any role you play in a dude’s life- if you knowingly assist him in harming another woman- you will forever have to deal with him sneaking and disrespecting you. Him keeping you around for years- even in the same home does not mean much.
The only issue with the woman equating both parents to how much we love ourselves is those of us who’s one parent passed away at a young age. I’ve still find myself loving myself more than those with two healthy problems. Nuance is key here and going one more level deeper than just the attachment theories is key.
Your remaining caretakers must have treated you with love and care, because it’s IMPOSSIBLE to have good self esteem and know how to identify and accept love from the jump without having not been abused or neglected as a child. You are the one who isn’t getting the “nuance” of this matter, and the attachment theories are fact at this point, regardless of how mainstream psych dismisses them.
Your remaining caretakers must have treated you with love and care, because it’s IMPOSSIBLE to have good self esteem and know how to identify and accept love from the jump without having not been abused or neglected as a child. You are the one who isn’t getting the “nuance” of this matter, and the attachment theories are fact at this point, regardless of how mainstream psych dismisses them.
Oof....triggered
How do you know your worth
You can have a wonderful childhood with parents who loved you deeply and you can love yourself and STILL make bad decisions. I know I made a bad decision at the age of 34 because I was getting desperate for marriage and children. I picked a man that I could build because he had a lot of potential. And of course, I built him into a better man for another woman. When I left that relationships, I landed straight into the arms of an absolutely insane narcissist. He was appealing to me because I was trying to compensate for some things that were missing in my last relationship. Luckily, the narc relationship didn't last long. Now I'm just alone, not looking at all, and happy to me by myself. Overall, my point is just that people with healthy childhoods and high self esteem can still make some bad decisions depending on their mindsets in that particular moment. For me, I was feeling the pressure of turning 35 with no kids and no husband.
💥❤💥❤💥❤💥
I 💯
YES I am trying to get healthier and love myself more.....just deleted my dating apps til I get myself in a better spot. I was taken advantage of OMG it was aweful. If I loved myself more he would have not been on a pedestal and out the door faster.
You can TELL By How SHE LOVES HER SURROUNDING RELATIONSHIP WITH HER MAN AND FAMILY THESE WOMEN ARE SELFISH
I didn’t have the best loving home like the Asian lady but her situation marriage wise best describes my marriage and how my husband loves me because my family didn’t show up for me how they should’ve but certain members of family and my mom did give me that love but it wasn’t constant 24/7 but through the grace of God I got over those traumas and therapy and found my husband once I was mentally free and healed from my childhood traumas and emotional abuse from certain relatives and trust me ladies once you have confidence and know what you stand for you won’t fall for anything except what you feel is best for you ❤🎉 you do accept the love you think you deserve and through this thing called LIFE sometimes it takes time and to learn but it’s absolutely possible to find the man of YOUR dreams ❤
The girl in pink likening relationships to work is not a good comparison, imo. Also, if you stay in a bad job because you don't have the qualifications for a better position, if we were to liken this to a relationship it means that a person is staying in a relationship becuase they don't think they can better. Isn't that a lack of self love? Staying in a bad situation whether it be a job or relationship, it could still be looked at as a lack of self love. It's just that your fears, which is valid, have greater prominence. Loving yourself means that you will not accept being treated a certain whether it be on the job or in a relationship. A person like this, even of they stay in the situation for a while, will be planning their escape.
I love that you share raw details of your life. Thanks ❤
Glad you enjoy it! Thank you so much for supporting my channel 🙏🙏🫶🫶🫶❤️❤️❤️😘😘😘
I think it makes sense🤷🏽♀️
She said you can tell how much a woman loves herself based off the partner she chooses.
And if she doesn't have a partner?! 🤨
Does it show how much the woman loves herself if she's happily single? 🤔
Edit:
Unpopular opinion:
I understood what the girl in the pink shirt was saying at 10:35. 🤷
There's some people in the comments saying the girl in pink was wrong. I don't think she was necessarily wrong.
I also disagree with this statement, personally and it does sound a little bit like victim-blaming to me. 🤷
Don't get me wrong, I'm ALL for accountability. 💯 Absolutely. However, the onus needs to fall on the abuser, not the person being abused.
Keep in mind, men are very fake (*some women are too*) and they know how to put up a front/facade/play until they get what they want/are looking for. They wine and dine you and then switch up and show their true colors/abusive nature. Its not fair to blame the woman in those instances when they're the victims at the end of the day. And when a guy is being abusive, manipulative, narcissistic, gaslighting, etc., that's not a direct correlation that she "doesn't" love herself. But that's just me. 🤷
💯 try not to date when you have lower self esteem....that's tough sometimes but it helps you attract more like...i.e. if you feel good/love yourself you will have standards that make you main character in your story
@Destiny Uteh
Girlie, I loveeee your braids!!!
Thank you sis 🤗🫶🫶
@@DestinyUteh You welcome sis🫶🏿🫶🏿🫶🏿🙌🏿🙌🏿🙌🏿
SELF LMAO ALWAYS SELF
This is so true.
#AGREED
"Transitive property' a new term for me help me understand that one. In marriage people do not own one another.
*
So true
Well this is just common sense.
She ate that up! Now why is she screaming at past me idk 😭😭 i definitely needed this some years ago 💀much better now. But also the company you keep is a reflection of you, that includes everyone 😌 or what you feel you deserve/ are owed
12:59 i get where she’s coming from but like it doesn’t sound like that to me, as a survivor of DV. No it was not my fault, but i also should’ve left earlier. I was in such a bad place because of that, low self esteem, the way i was raised, and my friends all that. It wasn’t my fault for how he was acting, but i should’ve prioritized myself and my happiness and safety. I didn’t really love or care for myself, whatever happened, happened. That was my mindset tho. Totally different now once i did start loving and caring for myself. So i get it, but i think that’s kinda negative to ‘sum’ it up as her victim blaming. But i can’t tell anyone how to take anything, just as someone who was a DV relationship and was victim blamed, a lot.
I agree with the last one 100%
These are the kinds of people who will never change. Excuses and excuses for why they are where they are but they do not move.
Its the mirror effect 🪞But also…you’re relationship with your father plays a role like was he emotionally or physically involved with your upbringing
The woman in the pink shirt is not relatable because my mother did not date my ENTIRE childhood… so what about me? And I didn’t grow up religious. I had to figure it out myself. Very narrow minded
BS🙄 Loving yourself has nothing to do with choosing your partner…🥱🤣