It’s scary when u feel that any of your good or at time’s excellent parenting is totally wiped away from memory and only yr failures and the crappy days and parenting is all that is left. Hurts!!
My point - don’t beat yourself up. No one is perfect. Including people who left nasty comments here - they are usually the worst. You might be able to try and work on adjusting
@ip6723 what the nasty replies don't seem to understand is we are flawed human beings who try our best and sadly at times we loose our shit ....that does not make us crappy parents
@blancotequila so you have never shouted ever at your children .....ever ??? Because that's what I'm talking about ....no raising a hand no putdowns just bellowing when you have had enough of not being listened to. You must be a Saint
@@BarbaraFearnley the biggest point is that the children don't feel that you have acknowledged their grievances, that you haven't taken accountability and owned up to your mistakes unconditionally. That you haven't given an actual apology and shown that you can change.
I have to say this . no matter what my parents did to each other, or to me, I tried to show them love to the end . I think I am stronger because of that. not looking for excuses, or blame. nobody's perfect .
@@donnab8594 Leaned from our parents I guess... You can keep repeating your mantra of people estranging over trivial matters but we all know it's a lie. Unless every estranged child is lying about their mistreatment I've yet to meet anyone without valid and compelling reasons to estrange. But that doesn't fit the innocent parent/bad child narrative and if you demonstrated for one moment that you do have healthy attitudes that would make y'all sound like you had the potential to have been good parents I would side with you. Unfortunately you all parrot each other and share shockingly unhealthy beliefs... Just like our own estranged parents... and you're estranged. There's a co-relation there.
3 years of peace. No drama. No screaming. No manipulation. Just freedom. Now, I will say this…I love my mother more than words. I do not have a hateful bone in my body for her. She’s deeply wounded. Many set backs. I have empathy for her. However, I have learned something. I learned to love myself. I have forgiven my mother. I realize she is human. I release her in love. I cannot allow a person to come into my home and purposely cause chaos. I have spent a lifetime healing my soul. I’m no victim. I live my life like a Phoenix. This Phoenix flew away from the madness.
@@MygirlsGJPB just dumped toxic sibs after my toxic marriage ended in 2021. Thought- “ maybe it’s me?” forever. But, I learned toxic family of origin made other toxics look normal enough to date/marry. So nice to be free. Hope others gain this too.
Thank you for validating my own circumstances. My father molested me, I did finally reveal this in my forties after suffering with this secret for years, do to his threatening me. My narcissist Mother went into denial and started blaming me. I finally had to cut ties with whole family for my own happiness. It’s not been an easy situation. Has had an impact on my children and Husband, and yet they still try to play mind games with hurtful emails, which takes me weeks to get over. Some parents are toxic and trauma creators. Constantly crossing boundaries and are disrespectful. If my Mother was willing to go to counseling, like I suggested, the door would have possibly been open, but that wasn’t something she was open to. Can’t force someone to deal with things if they stay in denial. Sometimes the hand is forced. Focusing on my health and mental well-being and my families happiness was the best decision I could make. Acceptance and not holding hope for change was the best decision. Helped me find peace.
You can lead an abusive parent to the water - call out/bring to light the abusive/dysfunctional situation - but you cannot make them drink - acknowledge the reality and take steps to modify the relationship. Estrangement is a peace that is better then abuse but it's not a solution. Unfortunately the reality is what I stated above.
I’m so glad you outed the sexual deviant. Why does society protect them? My aunt told me well after my step grandfather died that he was a child molester. If my mother or myself would have known this we surely wouldn’t have visited that vile creature in nursing home, nor attended his funeral. Thank you for your bravery. Hopefully, he hasn’t hurt others.
Been through the same thing with my mother, although I was nineteen when I tried to tell her. He obviously denies it and she stood by his side. I am so sorry you carried this terrible secret for so long. Reading your comment made me see how difficult yet important this decision to have our own back and well being in mind can be.
I’ve been unexpectedly and suddenly estranged from my adult daughter (age 40) and my 3 grandchildren for a year. It’s been shocking and devastating to myself and my entire extended family, including my other daughter and her family. I’ll continue to reach out for help as we struggle through this crisis. Thank you for your support.
@@FromTheRiverToTheSea2046 Actually it's not. Until parents grasp that how they treat their off-spring is the determining factor on whether or not they have a relationship they need to be told (at least one more time) that they need to look at what behavior of theirs causes people to not want to be around them. No one cuts off their parents without a list of reasons and most of those reasons can only be fixed by the estranged party.
@@Zawadi_jeanI’ve found in my experience that it’s usually the kids who were spoiled rotten narcissists and have no cares about anybody’s feelings but their own!
I always felt like a guest living in my parent's house. I never realized why I never felt 'at home' anywhere even when I bought my own place. It's part of Narcissistic abuse. It's like being raised in a POW camp and children of these homes have the C-PTSD to show for it. Now I am content so I am 'at home' wherever I am and that's a peace most never achieve. Human's understand a prison even when the walls are gilded and I think that survival inborn instinct kicks in young in that environment.
@@ellyk8834 Well said. "...like being raised in a POW camp". I was ruminating yesterday and this morning about some of the "rules" my parents had laid down on me, especially in the months leading up to high school graduation. They saw that the time of their being able to dictate my every move was almost over, and they were trying to figure out how to keep "freedom" from happening. That was when I realized that they would ruthlessly break their own rules (and what had ostensibly been their principles) in order to keep control of me.
@@margaretw5880 Personality clashes? We aren't talking about two people with equal power. When a parent's personLity clashes with their child's personality, guess who loses? In asking this question, I include teenagers.
perhaps you should give specific examples rather than make sweeping accusations, anyone can say someone is 'bad' but unless we know exactly from both sides- we can never really know the full circumstances- teen brains are not developed until after 25 and one thing they don't like are any rules/boundaries and no matter how strategic, careful and reasonable some parents are, you can rarely win unless you become the smiling doormat walking on eggshells to a teen- I applaud the small % of parents who succeed in not being hated by their teen/adult kids- when either use the 'power play' No one Wins.@@vintage6346
My husband died in May of 2020. My mother died in June of the same year. My brother-in-law died in September of 2020. He had been keeping in touch with me to see how I was doing. Then that same month I had to put my dog down. I felt broken!! My granddaughter and I were always close. She was our first and I practically raised her because I watched her while her parents worked. We watched our favorite TV shows together when she spent the night. We laughed, we did decorating projects together. We listened to music and went shopping, having fun all the time. She got in her teens and started pulling away to be with her friends which is normal. She still was at our house a lot until it got down to her stopping by to ask for money. That got old quick and I started telling her I was broke but my husband still gave her money. So my husband was dying. We all knew it. She knew it. He wanted to see her so he phoned her. She would make excuses not to come to see him. When she did, she wanted money. She cried and carried on about her grandpa being her best friend when he died while she was asking if he left his car to her. She got mad because he left it to his son, her father. She got mad at me because she was supposed to get some money when she turned 25 years old. She wanted it NOW! I said no so she stopped talking to me and her father because he got his father’s car. He tried calling her. He wanted a relationship with her. That didn’t last long when all she did was badmouth him and ask for money. I went through all the hurt and anger. Now I don’t care and when my granddaughter comes to my door next year for her money, she is NOT GETTING A PENNY!! I love her but this little girl does not know who she is fucking with!! 🤔👎
@@stacyrich113 Thank you for your support. I appreciate it. There is no will document, nothing in legal writing. My husband’s name and my name are on everything so it’s up to me. This was one of THE worst times in mine and my 2 sons lives. She did not care about my husband’s or our pain. She is only out for what she can get. What she is going to get is a surprise! Us older people grew up in the 60s. We are NOT the same older generations that came before us. This young lady needs to be taught that there are consequences to treating family like shit and then think you will be rewarded for it!! 🤬
@@1920Janice Or maybe you're Scapegoating. I bet she tells a vastly different story and based on your attitude and how you speak, even without hearing 'her side' I'm inclined to agree if she says she was abused. You just keep outing yourself with your toxic punitiveness. You'll show her! Well, you're also showing the world who you are and it's not a pretty picture.
@@ellyk8834 My son grabbed his daughter by the shirt, looked her in the eye and told her that she is not going to talk to him like she was anymore when she said “Fuck You” to him! This is abuse to her? It’s not abuse. It’s called respect. If she was my child I would have smacked her across her face! She will never talk to me like that!!🤬🤬🤬🤬
@@1920Janice So yeah... You're all abusive or dysfunctional. She doesn't know better because you didn't teach your son better. If your response to words is violence or the thought of it then you are the definition of an abuser. Abusers also blame their victims for their anger/violence. She chose bad words to 'fight' and you and your son like to choose physical violence. You and your son show her respect as a person by physical assault and she told him off - shocking. Yes. She's a victim and you're not. If she punches you in the face - something you admit wanting to do to her - then you got what you were giving. She would be, while abusive as well, be far less responsible then you and son. You were the adults that created an environment of abuse and dysfunction for her to grow up in and that is 100% on you and son. Oh and you don't get to call out her behavior when you are doing the same and call it "respect" - it's called hypocrisy and abusers like you are perfect examples of it. Edited to add the comment I was replying to: *My son grabbed his daughter by the shirt, looked her in the eye and told her that she is not going to talk to him like she was anymore when she said “Fuck You” to him! This is abuse to her? It’s not abuse. It’s called respect. If she was my child I would have smacked her across her face! She will never talk to me like that!!*
Wow I am really struggling with all of this grief…my husband, her bioDad, has been dead almost 2 yrs now & now my adult daughter has verbally sucker punched me & said some truly hurtful things in front of her Grandmother. She has cut off ties with me & my grandchildren…I want to reconcile & fix it but I don’t know what I did & believe me I have asked…it is all too much & I am overwhelmed with grief…I am in grief counseling…thank you for your videos, I see I need to wait….the heartbreak is unbearable…
Marcea: Thank you for writing. I am so sorry you are going through this with your daughter. Please stay informed. I am grateful you are in grief counseling. You will benefit by being around those who love and value you. Be compassionate with yourself. Warmly, Marie
I'm gonna have a ceremony. I lost so much weight can't sleep eat. Got me fucked up. 2yrs. I m done. Too much. I don't deserve this. She's my only kid like this. Daddy girl. Narcissist like her dad. I gotta accept and move on. I'm a mourn my baby girl so I can move on
my daughter is very happy with her choice and having a great life...I say good..Her happiness is really all I care about..and I think of how she has already had her grief for me..as I get older I am happy too that she is not responsible for me in any way. It took awhile for me to get here..
My adult daughter cut ties with me over 3yrs ago (along with her son who was 7) when I refused to do what she wanted me to do. Setting boundaries with someone who is used to you bowing to their every need and putting up with their abusive behavior for many years to all of a sudden saying no will most of the time cause a shit storm. Her wife (a police officer) even harassed me with threats and verbal abuse (she sounded just like my daughter) it was horrific at the time because I just had lost my mother and I did not handle any of it well. My daughter has always wanted EVERYTHING about her, I just couldn’t do it anymore. I had to start taking care of myself. I’m in the radical acceptance phase now but I always get stressed right before her birthday. Does she want to hear from me or not. She never remembers any occasion for me, but I don’t want to be like her, so I depend on the Lord to guide me and comfort me all the way through this. Thank you❤❤
I found Marie's video helpful, however I have followed this advice and find that my daughter wants me to continue on her terms and when she wants and also she keeps me separate from her friends, other side of the family and associates, I still feel there are trust issues that she is not interested in looking at and this has been going on for quite a while - I feel like I have to behave like a 3 yr old and don't feel respected, that I can be myself or that we will ever have a closeness- so now we are estranged again, she's 45 and I'm now 67 and really as they say 'I'm over it'. I have always worked on myself and I did not handle my children well when they were teenagers but always was a focused, caring and hands on mum making sure their daily needs were met and having some fun even as a single parent.
Hi Margaret: Thanks for writing and bringing up an important topic. Without knowing your full story and history with your daughter, it seems like there’s been some boundary issues. May I ask if your relationship has included your daughter expecting a lot of you? Have you given when it wasn’t in your best interest but gave anyway? Just guessing here, I believe we can respect our kids, apologize but also create boundaries around what we want to tolerate. What are your thoughts?
Hi Marie, thanks for responding- my story is a long one and it would take a while to explain all the circumstances surrounding my family estrangement- but, it is still difficult because there is a 7yr old grandson who doesn't know I exist and that is my concern. I have been through some therapy over the yrs and at one point went with my daughter a few yrs ago, but this therapist was not really experienced enough, and I felt she was unhelpful. I know one thing for a fact and that is, that if you haven't had a relationship with your grandchildren while they are very young- it is not really workable by the time they reach late teens/adult- I know that for a fact- so I have had to accept this is the situation but, if my daughter continues to cut me out of her life, I won't be interested if my grandson is an adult and she comes to her senses later.@@youtubemariemorinestrangement
@@margaretw5880 Hi Margaret, thanks for letting me know. I hear you about how difficult it is regarding your grandson. Many parents are also considering what they will do if their adult child comes back in the future. Like your daughter, you also have a choice in repairing the relationship. Please continue to care for yourself. Keep in touch.
Ive learned many things about my daughter this past year. The fact is i dont want her back. I dont want a person like her in my life. She thinks she did this for her mental health. Ha! My mental health has so improved! No more walking on egg shells or second guessing what im saying or doing. Its so relaxing
@@sweetbeep no they have not but it happened during the time my husband of 44 years was divorcing me. I have since learned that people with NPD devalue the other spouse and have more than likely been doing it during the entire marriage. Only God know and I trust His purposes in it.
@@teresamacey4012 ..I don't follow what you are saying about the other spouse? What other spouse? You didn't want to try to find out why your daughters left? I'm sure they felt terrible you didn't care to try to find out.
@@SusanaXpeace2u difficult to ask when one is blocked and there is no response from letters to last known address. I have read four books by experts and listened to hours of video. Respecting her boundaries is important. I keep the door open by sending cards but after four years I am backing off.
I don’t go around my mother because I gave up. After decades of her being mean and rude, I finally realized it meant hate, not love. Cannot unknow that.
I have 2 children and 3 grandchildren who are estranged from me, my son in 2022 and my daughter in 2023 (the shift took 3 years since my divorce). It’s been a very crippling living death and I’ve learned more abd more on how to cope and I’m doing better but I still have my bad days. I know exactly what happened ! I know what I did and why I’m blamed. Being able to see this heal is something out of my control and in meantime time is passing quickly and I’m missing out on so many beautiful moments with my grandchildren. Unlike a lot of grands, I have admitted my wrongs to my children and apologized and taken accountability but to no avail. Thank you for your advice and I look forward to more videos.
Yes estrangement is a world wide trend. Is it a new thing for easy counselling ?? I mean if a counsellor just needs to say to young people, have no contact with your parents, thats easy! Move onto the next client and charge $300 an hr! Just a thought. Pauline 😏
Everything you said is sharp and great maybe I was toxic iam going to change my daughter asked me to changed few months ago crying it broke my heart I want to become the best mother and accept for now that she needs not to have me in her life she feels betrayed has enough with my insecurities thank you but iam heartbroken
@@verasmith4767 Dragging a crab back into the pot? Yes, definitely DO NOT encourage a parent to look inward and accept responsibility. Your way of child blaming and denying your own bad behavior is why you are estranged and there you are encouraging another parent toward advice that is guaranteed to keep them and you estranged.
I am estranged from my daughter since March 2023. I accepted help from my son (her brother) and she is furious. I’ve kept the door open by texting how much I miss and love her. But regardless, she is hateful. I so miss her.
Excellent video, in line with what I hear from my therapist, Dr. John Lucy, our two marriage therapists Lyn Stubbs and Dr. Mary Hebblewhite, as well as Tina Gilbertson (reconnection club) and the estranged heart podcasts. Thank you. Your input helps solidify the progress I’ve made. I will play this one for my husband. My older daughter is estranged from me. I have healthy relationships with my son and younger daughter. We all talk and communicate with each other more than most families, except my firstborn and I.
Same here Same exact dynamics. I have 3 children. I'm in touch with my middle child my son and my youngest daughter lives at home with me. Haven't had any contact with my oldest daughter now for 3 years 😕
I have no children but recently found out that this is a thing for people of my generation to have children become estranged from them. I hated my Mom for every single one of my teen years. She hardly ever listened, hindered me from many things, hurt my feelings, etc. I thank her for it today. As an adult, I realized the tough love was just that. Love. Disclaimer : my parents never divorced and my mom went to counselling during my adult years. I really feel that many of the estrangement issues could be resolved through individual therapy on both sides first, followed by both going to another therapist. At the very least, individual therapy. I’ve always had a therapist and yes, I apologized to my mom for many things. As an adult, I have a responsibility as an adult to maintain the relationship with my Mother. Again, my needs were met as a child and there was no abuse. I’m also a therapist now. This video is golden!
My dad died,my daughter turned 18,she started being super disrespectful, she said no to therapy, I asked her to leave, to try and get her to work on what was going on, two months later, she is still gone and reconnected with absent ex con father, and will not have any contact with me. I have never spent any time away from my kids ever,i live for my kids,was i to easy? Did i spoil her! I fought her in anything she ever had to deal with! One day she just decided she hated me...I thought she was my mini me
You thought she was your "mini me". I've been that daughter and it's horrible. You'll never see things from her POV because the only things you acknowledged in her were the things that mirrored YOU. Maybe, like me, your daughter thinks and feels very differently. Maybe she feels unable to express that because every time she did you told her she was wrong or stupid or silly (or implied it with those non-verbal tactics abusers employ) so she stopped trying to be heard long ago and turned to mirroring you as the only way to avoid your negative judgement. Isn't it sad that she views a relationship with the quality of person her dad is as superior to what she had living with you.
Why does your daughter have an absent ex con father? Is that because you opened your legs for him?. Sounds like you made some poor choices and left your daughter stuck with consequences.
Our daughter cut us off after stopping her medication. She’s in a toxic relationship, has a therapist who has no business being one and is just lost. It’s gut wrenching. We love our children unconditionally and will never give up on her. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.
No one is perfect. Whatever happened to finding constructive ways to work through conflict. ? I can't even believe I am here searching for answers . I find this trend increasingly ubiquitous and very disturbing, I never in a million years would have done this to my own mother. Going on 6 mos of estrangement for me .And btw social media is behind this horror. These daughters all read from the same toxic script regarding 'boundaries '. I am the least likely person to impose myself of anyone I know . The word 'boundaries ' implies intrusion . I f anything I have literally tiptoed around my daughter as well as her siblings always conscious of boundaries . My 20 year relationship ended because of my exe's adult daughter. If there was ever a lack of boundaries it involves millennial and gen z , mostly women who are the most entitled , disrespectful and obnoxious generation to even walk on this planet .The way they talk down to their elders the people who devoted their entire lives to raising them makes my stomach turn. .By 40 life starts to get difficult and it will all come back to roost on their doorsteps.
My adult daughter borrowed money from me and didn't bother to pay it back. I feel disrespected and betrayed. She knows what she done and we are now estranged. I sometimes think about her but that's as far as it will go. What a shame!
It would be very helpful if you could offer some examples of what would be the right things to say, not just wrong things. Otherwise I am a little lost
I am an estrange daughter and no contact with my mother. Alot of people say i dont know what i did to derserve this. I wish i had of know. I would fix it. So what if it is your character, your personality? Would you fix it? Would you fix it if you were aware that same parent your daughter was interacting with was the same parent in present day and that your character, your personality was still hurting your child with thise triggers and reminders that you will always be treated this way. Where there signs? There always are. Nobody including a child when they have been kicked down over years would would not show or verbalize a sign of distress to thier parent. The fact is when you minimize and undermine your childs need for help, you leave your child no other choice but to make a very hard very soul changing choice to themselves and cut have a quarter of there life and existence to be healthy. I told my mother more than two years ago, it was time for her to let me go. My mother had been presented with disturbing news of my level of abuse i had endured growing up. Not only from the neighbor, which she knew about but assualt of my brother and abuse of cousins. I sat waiting, waiting, waiting for her to do what. Nothing as she has always done. I am freerer, lighter and more me with this decision. Ask yourself this would you assualt a friend, make them still talk to you and act like it never existed. And be ok about it? That is what you are doing to your child.
You are spot on. Estranged parents trivialise the issue by attributing the estrangement to "a specific something inadvertently done a long time ago". They just don't get their children don't want them in their life because of their core personality. There is nothing to change; there is nothing to reconcile about; there is nothing to communicate about. Estrangement starts in childhood, but the child cannot do anything about it because they're stuck. And when the time is right, the child leaves, mentally with grey rocking or physically with no contact. The very fact that estranged parents say "estrangement happened suddenly and unexpectedly" is just evidence they know nothing about their child. What is the point of saying, "what can I change?" It is like a colour-blind person saying "explain to me what blue is". They will never get it. Bottom line is there was never any real connection between these two individuals, and there never will be one. Some people's personality is such that they will never create a real bond with someone else. In the best case scenario, an estranged individual will understand they are incapable of a true bond. Yet, they cannot go any further because that capacity is just not in them. I'm glad you've found some peace and freedom.
At this point I already accepted that my daughter doesn’t want to have anything to do with her extended family and at the end of the day, it’s her choice .
I’ll never go back. The last words my father said to me , an independent working woman with a career that I am nothing but an F up. He’s a narcissist and I hope I never see him again. I will not even attend his funeral when he dies. He’s 88 now. I want zero to do with him his lies betrayal name calling shaming and blaming. I hate him and I hate what he has done to me.
@@youtubemariemorinestrangement thank you. He’s a covert narcissist. If you met him you’d think he is the nicest most mild mannered man ever but he’s not. I have been on the receiving end of the real him and he’s mean and nasty and hangs onto a false narrative of me he’s never going to let go of. Just the way it is.
a lot of story comments here don't really explain anything. Of course it's not advisable to just give all your life details online, but if you want understanding from other people, then they need better explanation than just "my children left, I don't know why" and "this one thing happened". This is way more complicated than that.
I don't understand how we are expected to NOT be defensive if we are called names and attacked with insults. It is said that to repair the relationship I am not allowed to be defensive or try to explain myself :-/ This was a good talk and so many things hit home, sadly.
@@formerfundienowfree4235 And yet estranged parents commonly wish the pain of estrangement onto their own children. I guess there's something to agree on but don't you think wishing pain on someone who hurt you who was supposed to protect you is a rather natural reaction? It's not natural at all to wish harm to one's own young. There's a big difference there. Oddly it's emotionally unhealthy people that miss that distinction. It rather goes to the "You're just as bad as I am." mentality that Narcissist's employ. "How dare you be mad at me for things you definitely have the right to be mad about! You're angry! You're full of rage! You're as bad as me!" telling on yourselves.
@@fallon7616 Estranged parents absolutely present the victim mentality. To be clear, victim mentality is when you pretend to be the victim when you were the one that is/was the abuser when the now adult was a child. If you victimized your child and they act out on you later you don't stop being that child's abuser even IF they are 'abusing you back'. Your child is not abusing you if they have no contact with you. It's part of why the No Contact - the parent can't claim 'abuse' from their child. Sadly, many people see No Contact as abuse itself. Society is learning better - slowly. Unfortunately abusers are loud and very invested in their narrative of victimhood. Oh the poor parental victims of their horrible, immature, selfish, entitled toxic off-spring and all that No Contact 'abuse'.
Well you are right about going thru the grief of it presently. My daughter is free to do what she feels is right for her and I told her so. I am still recovering from past trauma & abuse, family narcissism and an ex narcissistic spouse and a secreted twin that my siblings and most family members don’t know about that has impersonated me on many accounts not in my favour! My daughter cut ties with me after I voiced that I no longer wanted to visit her and her family whilst her dad was there as I had noticed the direction correlation of detriment for me and after ten years of divorce I believed I had a right to implement this decision for myself. Plus she accused me of saying inappropriate things to her daughter but when questioned wouldn’t oblige a response. I never said anything nasty to or about her daughter. So yeah I know she had a hard time with watching me process and claim narcissism that I only came to know and start fully understanding in the recent past few years. I was actually beginning to turn down events and certain family get togethers as I could only handle so much. I’ve only just recently come to terms with the smear campaign that narcissists do and now realize that between that (ex lived with daughters for about a decade after divorce) and the religious cult she married into and controlling husband (who actually set me up !! so my daughter would really think I was mentally ill!!) I can see why she chose estrangement (which I was considering myself too) --although it was an actual ultimatum she gave me stating that would sever relations if I didn’t go as a family group to a psychiatrist and I state out loud all the abuse I claimed happened to me . Of course I wasn’t gonna do that plus it was a ludicrous thing to expect and desire. I told her it was none of her business and I wasn’t going live through it all again as it was painful enough the first time and I’ve been working on things my whole life due to these relations . Months later I found two microphone ‘bugs’ and remembered the one & only visit by her & her family where they exclaimed at one point that I had a couple of bugs and I had stated ‘there’s no way I said unless you brought ‘em in cause the building was brand new and I didn’t have so much as a spider.” They reiterated it again I just shrugged and said “okay”. Let ‘em think what they want-whatever. Yeah until I found these illegally and immorally placed microphones in my personal space and place of residence!!!! Also discovered in that timeframe when my e-mails were getting erased and tampered with that they had lied and had never actually released my e-mail address so that my internet account was fully in my name and control in my new place.(I was without an internet account for 5 months during redidence and employment transitions so they had agreed to let me keep my e-mail address active thru their account until I could set it up again.) So yeah, good riddens to all nasty relations. I did have to send her a screenshot of my e-mail account showing how I still hadn’t been transferred the power back to. (Ironically or maybe, duh, of course, every time I persisted it be done she kept getting mad with me saying her husband already did it like I was just stupid or unjustly untrusting.) I told her that when she realizes the truth to forgive herself. However, in the interim, if she wants to get together I want it supervised/someone else present and also that her husband after what he did will never be welcome in life as I can never trust him again and I also mentioned that I had held of calling her cult a cult as my friends and healthcare coworkers were telling me and I stated I did now indeed believe it was . I have to admit that even though you have to as a human go thru grief man is it ever freeing allowing myself to be free of relations that were inauthentic and cruel and did not feel good or safe!!!!! This has been a blessing. Sure it would be great if my girls came to see reason but honestly after two families of narcissism -- who knows.
Thanks for sharing. I’m sorry you had this all happen to you. I know- the grief is intense. I hear you sometimes it’s just too unsafe to be around people.
Marie is telling us as parents that some things we need to do must change and come from a different approach/perspective- I agree however, if you have done all that and still can't be relaxed and happy and yourself walking on eggshells, then it's not real or authentic with your adult child- they want you as they like and only on those terms- this part bothers me.
Will an estranged mother come back???? I tried to talk to my mother about something important and she shut me down, defensively, the victim of me. I tried to keep talking but when i didn't respect her silent treatment, i was labelled "aggressive". The original hurt i tried to raise was that she needed to stop xalling me sensitive and paranoid. She did this to disguise her lack of patience and empathy. So being labelled "aggressive" is more of the same, it's to disguise her inability to communicate.
My second eldest daughter has always been a bit difficult. When she became an adult, moved out on her own she became increasingly disrespectful toward me. I protested, she still did it. I had a near death experience in labor with her, was revived, the doctor pulled her out of me. She hitched her toes up, which had unusually long toe nails. It felt like she was ripping me inside out. It started back then. One time, I tried to talk to her, told her that mutual respect was necessary for us to have interaction with each other. Her reply? "You never earned my respect." When she had her first sweet baby, it was rough & he was born with a birth defect, so, she practically lived at the hospital as he went through surgery after surgery while she coped with recovering from giving birth. He is now 8 years old. When I visited her, her son popped off at her, she told him that he had better show some respect. It was wrong, I know, I said it anyway. ""What if you haven't earned his respect." She knew exactly what I was referring to. So, ya can't unscramble, scrambled eggs.
Thanks for writing. thats a great line! Well you may not be able to unscramble eggs but when we desire repairing, we can work on it. What do you think?
@@youtubemariemorinestrangement I think the ball is in my childrens court. It's up to them whether they come back or not. I did my part. If they wait too long, I won't be interested in reconnecting. My desire to connect to them becomes less every day. Doing what makes me happy, doing nice things for people who actually care about me is a better use of my time & resources. It took a ton of work to get to this frame of mind. Continuing in this frame of mind is healthier.
@@youtubemariemorinestrangement It's been a few years since I started working on this. Having finally reached a peaceful resolution, I'm rewarding myself. I pick up my puppy in a few weeks from now. A puppy will love me & accept me no matter what. Not like children who grow up then forget all of the time, sacrifice, money I gave to make them into happy, successful, well adjusted adults.
My mother brought up 4 children in post famine Ireland. Ireland was a fundamentalist Catholic country with women having no rights. My father was an alcoholic from the stress and stigma of being an immigrant. My patents didn't know that they were being abused by toxic government policies. We 4 children didn't have the luxury of accusing our parents and grandparents and great grandparents of abuse and estranging ourselves from them. If your ego demands to punish all your ancestors, you have alot of time and money to waste by filling therapists pockets. Do some good for someone now and make sure your situation doesn't happen to anybody else. All these bad events make those who survive stronger. Of course, there are very bad cases where the courts must become involved. I am talking here of the cases that stem from entitlement due to the rise in individualism, where people forget the lack of knowledge of our ancestors. They had to do the best they could without youtube this podcast or Google or even books or in my family's case, without the benefit of radio or television. Our generation has nothing to whine about so stop wasting time feeling sorry for ourselves. Who cares if your son or daughter comes back? Do something with your life now. You have been given the beautiful freedom to do something you might really enjoy without feeling the tug of guilt that you should be placating your son or daughter or their children. They will come back. Your positivity will shock them and you will be able to pretend that you never even noticed them gone. Always think kindly about them. View it as a vacation certain to end when they come running back when they hear or see how happy you are in their absence.
@@youtubemariemorinestrangement Thank you. I was very close to my mother and grandmother. I have three grown sons that our relationships are very different. I struggle with missing my mother and grandmother. The new concept of estrangement feels more than empty nest!
@@peachesandpoets I love the hostile replies. They expose their nature and attitude. Oh and the gaslighting... Only in their world do children walk away from love. They just can't grasp that their definition or idea of what love is not love or healthy at all. The not concealed hostility is so illuminating. And they accuse ME of sounding angry. If I sound angry, I presume they consider yelling things like "Back off!" as normal and totally not angry or hostile. LOL I love projection.
I think you missed the key component here which is parental control. Estrangement is predicted more than everything else combined by the expectation of control of the adult children. In healthy parent child relationships Between pre-teen and mid20s it goes from a parent child control dynamic to 1 what looks to the adult child as 50% and is usually 70% control in practice. This also means that the greatest thing and a strange parent can do to prolong estrangement or shut the door on reconciliation is to atempt to observe or Relationship and over the historical Relationship and/or over the historic areas of conflict. It also gives an obvious way to show effort in following the adult child's lead the way they expected the child to do so and the child was 10.
I have to love fron a distance. I have found my voice and my authenticity, which I allowed to be compromised since a well retained, and ill informed therapist told my daughter that she was abused. I have no intention of walking on eggs anymore, so I don't see reconciliation in the near future. I cannot thrive in the presence of such toxicity...it's actually caused health problems.
Putin feels abused and not validated because Ukraine does not put up with his crap. So? So many people feel that somebody must always forgive them and love them no matter what.
Been 2 years and 2 years and 2 months. She pre planned it years earlier. Was cold in reminding me every year. Tried to get her into therapy and refused. Said it was because of her dad. Once told me I could be her house slave basically. Then decide I talk too much so she was discarding me too. Her eyes looked black like shark eyes. She was cold towards us. She had little to no friends in high school. I clung to hope she would find her tribe. Nothing happened then. Paid to send her overseas to study. Nothing there either. Supportive of every endeavor even living in college apartment with our blessing. Helped every step. Her excuse to relatives “ I can’t grow with them”. Uncle says she is ruthless and anti social/ psychopath like him. He unmasked himself to me. She then cut him and final grandmother out. Entire family was cut off, she has no interest in others. Everywhere she goes it’s the same. Only bonds to a lover. Played Damsil in distress to get a sucker to take her in. She’s so vindictive I actually fear her. Thought about locking my bedroom door at night with a better one because of the black eyed glares I got. Some of these kids are straight up insane. She had flat affect with no personality at home. No mask. I was told I was her favorite person. Yet I was not spared. I lived in false hope. 😭. She broke and shattered the whole family. We were her cheerleaders. I recognize now just how incredibly sick she is. I see her hurting everyone she comes in contact with because she is so indifferent. Love was rejected. Hug’s rejected. No verbal or physical abuse in the home. Only good thing is. She didn’t make false accusations. Just couldn’t grow here. I say. Grow a mask. A false facade of sanity. The anti social feels nothing. We are left holding the emotional baggage. Her pre school teacher picked up on her not being like the others. We were clueless. She never hurt animals. But showed no interest in our puppies we got. Not normal for a child. She was never hit or spanked once. All interactions seemed intellectually based with no emotion. She didn’t connect with her female peers at all. No girly girl talk or drama by her. Was unusual teenager. Like a 30 year old in a young body. I thought I escaped that horrific drama with her. Little did I know it’s because of most likely psychopathy. Now the head count is 3 psychopaths/ASPD coming from my husbands side. Her childhood fantasy was “ Dictator “. She had a dictator name for herself “ supreme Leader …. With her name”. They say this is the best outcome if this is the situation. Hope for an estranged situation. But I’m mentally crushed and ruminate all day in pain. I feel bad and sometimes wished I aborted her. Knowing I have a dark daughter who will go on to betray more people.
Hoow can she tell me anything when she won't talk to me, she's never responded to 1 text oor aby voicemails. This started when I got a restraining order on her. Abusive boyfriend who abused her then mè,she called the police but refused to talk after I already did!then she left with him and that was basically the end,other then a few times she spoke to me on the phone and I'd figured out she stopped taking her bipolar meds .I had kept getting them and I found 7 months worth untouched soo I asked her about it and I found Adderall in his dresser and I asked about that since neither was add or adhd. She obviously didn't like that I looked but I wanted to know why he'd turned violent, it was the second time in a month but I took him in for 3 years prior and I never saw/felt nor knew anything about him being abusive. I'd thought maybe it was the drinking because he'd just turned 21 and I'd noot been around him or tori drinking until then but I was looking for something to excuse his behavior and I now hope it was the Adderall, which can make people who don't need it moody. I lovedhim like a son prior to what he did. I fear for her all the time!
You are confusing. Did the parents do something wrong by getting divorced? Because you said the parent has a hard time admitting to doing something wrong.
Im a divorced dad and my wife cheated on me in 2014 with a wealthy man 20 yrs her senior when my twin girls were 9 and we got divorced. I had what a thought was an excellent relationship my daughters until this past year when one of them moved to her moms and then a couple of months ago the other did. They seem to want nothing to do with me and left for college without even saying goodbye. Is tough on me no doubt because I truly have no clue why but life has to go on. Maybe we can rekindle a relationship one day, maybe not. Sad of course but weird. They probably have their reasons but I was blindsided. Oh well.
It’s not “oh well” it’s painful. But there are years ahead and often family do reconnect. Leave the door open and get on with your life. Don’t dwell in the grief, you can’t put your life on hold. You will always be their father.
While your video elucidates the reasons adult daughters may be motivated to exile their mothers, a couple of points are overlooked. One is how this is often a modern manifestation of psychology blaming mothers for childrens' mental illness ; which psychology has a long track record of doing. The other thing that is never considered in these debates is how much profit therapists make as surrogate parents to estranged adult children - who report endless suffering and are highly likely to be perpetual clients.
@EalaFia-sb7ku Hi thank you for writing. I get what you are saying. While the perception has been that the psychological community includes childhood experiences participate in mental illness, we know there are other components. Often, there is a biological component and the likelihood of childhood trauma that can be perpetrated by mothers, fathers, siblings, other family members, and others. In terms of perpetual clients, I am curious on your thoughts on the benefit of sitting with a professional who is unconditional, non-judgmental, and supportive? Perhaps, the client is relieved to find someone with whom they can feel safe enough with to return to regularly.
I have no concern with the unconditional positive regard most therapists strive to provide. I am concerned that estranged adult children often get years of therapy and still report ongoing intense anguish. It seems like the main benefit in these therapeutic relationships is the therapist's bank account.
Get rich they will talk to you, it's a sad world, people who have the money hold their purse strings and then their kids respect them so much more, its a fact, any comments people??? If you are poor they treat you like crap
My daughter developed schizophrenic symptoms after using Marijuana & since then, I have heard of two other people who also developed schizophrenia after drug use. Do you have any videos on this topic of drug use contributing to mental illnesses? My daughter has been hospitalized for psychosis and self-harm at least three times in the last year. She hears voices and has delusions. She and I have been estranged for 11 months. She has persecutory delusions that people (former friends and family) want to hurt her or destroy her art.
Look into treating schizo with niacin. And I mean researching it online. Doctors may not know about it. Of course they don't want your daughter healed. Stand up for her and help her get real help!
Not anymore. She wants to yell, insult and cuse at me but if I stick up with myself she doesn't want to see me anymore. He father was only around only 2x a year. Her husband wants her dads contractors license so hes the good Dad. So done with her selfish and mean behavior. I never hit her or treated her bad. I have a son and we have a very respectful great relationship. People are not perfect and these kids want to us to be so I'm done. Im not talking about the kids that were abused mentally or physically. Also, I don't have to get wrinkle cream on my birthday every year from her. She is a alcoholic so that has a lot to do with it.
Sadly, I think daughters are less likely to communicate with their dads, because they get attention and offers of friendship everyday. It would take a major event for this to happen. Also, feminist role models encourage separation from patriarchal males like fathers.
Let me get this straight. If the parent has had to endure the trauma of a painful divorce and needed to find her own way back from depression, that's a valid reason for a daughter to write her off. Sure. I'll look somewhere else for "help."
It is valid. They didn't ask to be here. Your problems are your business. If you allowed your problems to impact their development in any way you failed. You weren't raped. You chose to be a mother. You didn't give them away. You chose to raise them. You messed up. They don't owe you anything. Any mammal can reproduce. You didn't do them any favours. They don't owe you anything. You and your failed relationships and bad choices in love are YOUR business. Stop destroying them further. If they don't want to deal with them, leave them alone.
Who chose the guy to marry??? I assume if it were a forced union you would have started with that 'I'm a victim' nugget. Your job was to manage your intimate relationship, depression AND look after your adult responsibilities including your child(ren). If that was too much then it was your responsibility to get help as YOU were the adult. If you blamed your daughter for these problems or failed to provide for her in a healthy way then - news flash - YES. That IS a reason to write you off especially if you keep acting like your mentality isn't seriously problematic.
Im not well long story my daughterhas adhd like me. It started with me estraging her cause every video csll im critisised over apearence always cant take it no more i was married to a malignant narcissist. Im the one who estranges because of her terible insults
Ma fille ❤️ a eu l'aliénation parentale par son père et cela fait 23 ans que je ne l'ai vue. Et pourtant j'ai toujours été à l'écoute et pris bien soin d'elle.😢
Communicate with your daughter... are you for real? Being cut off means they dont talk to you at all.. how can you communicate with someone who cuts you off... sorry, really poor statement and no wisdom there at all...
I understand what you saying about acceptance with the lost relationship with your daughter. However, as time passes my grand children are growing up and their nana has not heen able to he there as they grow up and conrinue to not be a part of their lives! This isnt fair over something that had nothing to do with my daughter?! Situation stemed from an inncident with my son at the time?! Life is too short at what point will your estrange adult child recongize this and try to come to terms and deal with this so our famly can get back on track again?!
Hi, thank you for writing. So unless your daughter believes there was some type of abuse that occurred, there is research that suggests adult children soften in time. They want to reconnect as long as they do not feel that they will be unsafe. As far as your missing your grandchildren, I understand and this is very stressful for you. Consider focusing on what you can do to prepare for when the time presents itself to speak to your daughter. I hope this helps.
If you can't reach out when your mom is battling stage 4 cancer... at that point you kind of closed that door permanently . I have no use for you. My therapist agrees 100%. 🤷♀️ it aint always us lady!!! It's drugs and trans and veganism, and universities and even the jab and society in general. You don't see this stuff happenning in Mexican-American familias!!!! Yes it hurts and it always will on my end. They do not give a rats ass. The can enjoy life until the day the state Police stop by to tell them I'm deceased. Maybe THEN they will go to counseling!
@lorileon2816 100% they do!! I've had to answer the door for them 3x for them to tell me someone died!! The police are always the contact point as first responders. What do you think happens? Guess you've never had to deal with deceased bodies, escrows, police, coroner's, burials etc yet. Mind blowing how you know zero about any of this and have never had to deal with it before, but you exposed a lack of knowledge, lack of critical thinking and inability to use a search engine sufficiently. Maybe you live in another country and they do it differently there. But the state my kids live in, it will be the State Police who come, not the county or city. And they will want to know where the body needs to be sent.
How’s about adult children word adult, for no reason just cuts of ties, it’s disgusting how the adult does the abuse by using grandchildren that is disgusting, even mediation the mediator mentioned that the child had issues to do with herself so plz be an Asians they should take accountability
@@donnab8594 "They owe us respect and love." -- who is entitled again? "A good parent earned that a long time ago." -- And your child has decided you were not a good parent as evidenced by the lack of love and respect you are getting. You are getting what you feel they deserve. Nothing. Sounds like that's coming from the top down. Parents set the tone of things and it's why the saying "You reap what you sow."
Why is it that mother's especially see it as a problem caused by the daughter? Mothers are such a part of every aspect of their child's life from birth. When a child becomes an adult it is hard for mom to step back and let the child move forward and create their life as the mother was able to do with her life. Mother's feel welcome to but in and offer input even when it is not welcome because she is the "MOM". When a child distances from the mother it is seen as the daughter who is the problem and not the mom. Mothers need to look at their behavior and see where they may be overstepping their bounds. My mother felt welcome to go through my private things in my private bedroom in my own house. She saw no boundary there. She rifled through my room at will when I was still at home and so no issue with continuing that behavior. If I tried to address the issue my mother would get defensive.
Dear @carolcalton4720 Thank you for writing and sharing your thoughts here.I agree that many people have preset thoughts of who is to blame. Many immediately blame the mom and others blame the daughter. I suppose it has to do with who is most relatable. I hear what you are saying about your mom crossing boundaries and how difficult this was for you. What are your thoughts on how to move forward?
@youtubemariemorinestrangement This is no longer a problem. My mother is 95 and no longer visits. In the event I confronted her, she would change the subject or leave the room and make a comment to deflect. Now, any pushback garners a response of "well, I guess I will just crawl in bed and die," which I ignore.
If Adult children behave in this manner why even refer to them as adults They resemble 2 year olds more than not Time to grow up kiddies Its not all about you
Maybe that lack of seeing them as adults is the problem. As a mature adult yourself would you like being called a childish toddler or immature? Maybe the problem is that your child IS an adult - just like you - and expects to be treated as such and YOUR disrespect of treating them like a child is what is creating the reaction you are perceiving as disrespect? Who are you to be the judge of which adults are and are not mature? Such an ugly and off-putting personality trait and to be fair, from my POV anyone who declares themselves as mature by labeling everyone else as immature is the person who needs to grow up.
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@@legalfictionnaturalfact3969 what does that mean??
It’s scary when u feel that any of your good or at time’s excellent parenting is totally wiped away from memory and only yr failures and the crappy days and parenting is all that is left. Hurts!!
I totally understand what you mean. Some people are wired to remember only grievances. While others - good things. Makes you feel helpless
My point - don’t beat yourself up. No one is perfect. Including people who left nasty comments here - they are usually the worst. You might be able to try and work on adjusting
@ip6723 what the nasty replies don't seem to understand is we are flawed human beings who try our best and sadly at times we loose our shit ....that does not make us crappy parents
@blancotequila so you have never shouted ever at your children .....ever ??? Because that's what I'm talking about ....no raising a hand no putdowns just bellowing when you have had enough of not being listened to.
You must be a Saint
@@BarbaraFearnley the biggest point is that the children don't feel that you have acknowledged their grievances, that you haven't taken accountability and owned up to your mistakes unconditionally. That you haven't given an actual apology and shown that you can change.
I have to say this . no matter what my parents did to each other, or to me, I tried to show them love to the end . I think I am stronger because of that. not looking for excuses, or blame. nobody's perfect .
@@donnab8594 you’re absolutely right. They are entitled beyond belief. Hopefully what goes around comes around and they’ll get their karma!
And you probably became a covert narcissist parent and your kids secretly loathe you
@@stacyrich113 Entitled to what?
@@donnab8594 Leaned from our parents I guess... You can keep repeating your mantra of people estranging over trivial matters but we all know it's a lie. Unless every estranged child is lying about their mistreatment I've yet to meet anyone without valid and compelling reasons to estrange. But that doesn't fit the innocent parent/bad child narrative and if you demonstrated for one moment that you do have healthy attitudes that would make y'all sound like you had the potential to have been good parents I would side with you. Unfortunately you all parrot each other and share shockingly unhealthy beliefs... Just like our own estranged parents... and you're estranged. There's a co-relation there.
@@donnab8594i say the same about my parents.
Scapegoat daughter here. My mother was an absolute monster. No contact and loving it!
Right here with you girl! Best decision of my life 🤷🏿♀️
3 years of peace. No drama. No screaming. No manipulation. Just freedom.
Now, I will say this…I love my mother more than words. I do not have a hateful bone in my body for her. She’s deeply wounded. Many set backs. I have empathy for her.
However, I have learned something. I learned to love myself.
I have forgiven my mother. I realize she is human. I release her in love.
I cannot allow a person to come into my home and purposely cause chaos. I have spent a lifetime healing my soul.
I’m no victim. I live my life like a Phoenix. This Phoenix flew away from the madness.
Did you lose your dad and siblings too? My dad and brother just back her up shaming/blaming/smearing and excluding me.
Yes, my father and sister were also abusive both physically and emotionally, but my mother was the ringleader.none of them are in my life anymore.
@@MygirlsGJPB just dumped toxic sibs after my toxic marriage ended in 2021. Thought- “ maybe it’s me?” forever. But, I learned toxic family of origin made other toxics look normal enough to date/marry.
So nice to be free. Hope others gain this too.
Thank you for validating my own circumstances. My father molested me, I did finally reveal this in my forties after suffering with this secret for years, do to his threatening me. My narcissist Mother went into denial and started blaming me. I finally had to cut ties with whole family for my own happiness. It’s not been an easy situation. Has had an impact on my children and Husband, and yet they still try to play mind games with hurtful emails, which takes me weeks to get over. Some parents are toxic and trauma creators. Constantly crossing boundaries and are disrespectful. If my Mother was willing to go to counseling, like I suggested, the door would have possibly been open, but that wasn’t something she was open to. Can’t force someone to deal with things if they stay in denial. Sometimes the hand is forced. Focusing on my health and mental well-being and my families happiness was the best decision I could make. Acceptance and not holding hope for change was the best decision. Helped me find peace.
You can lead an abusive parent to the water - call out/bring to light the abusive/dysfunctional situation - but you cannot make them drink - acknowledge the reality and take steps to modify the relationship.
Estrangement is a peace that is better then abuse but it's not a solution. Unfortunately the reality is what I stated above.
I’m so glad you outed the sexual deviant. Why does society protect them?
My aunt told me well after my step grandfather died that he was a child molester. If my mother or myself would have known this we surely wouldn’t have visited that vile creature in nursing home, nor attended his funeral.
Thank you for your bravery. Hopefully, he hasn’t hurt others.
Been through the same thing with my mother, although I was nineteen when I tried to tell her. He obviously denies it and she stood by his side. I am so sorry you carried this terrible secret for so long. Reading your comment made me see how difficult yet important this decision to have our own back and well being in mind can be.
I am so sorry.
I’ve been unexpectedly and suddenly estranged from my adult daughter (age 40) and my 3 grandchildren for a year. It’s been shocking and devastating to myself and my entire extended family, including my other daughter and her family. I’ll continue to reach out for help as we struggle through this crisis. Thank you for your support.
@@kfiscal01it was also extremely unfair with the way you treated them that they had no other choice but to cut you out of their lives.
@@Zawadi_jeanYou are judging a situation you have no idea about. Part of the problem.
@@FromTheRiverToTheSea2046 Actually it's not. Until parents grasp that how they treat their off-spring is the determining factor on whether or not they have a relationship they need to be told (at least one more time) that they need to look at what behavior of theirs causes people to not want to be around them. No one cuts off their parents without a list of reasons and most of those reasons can only be fixed by the estranged party.
@@Zawadi_jeanI’ve found in my experience that it’s usually the kids who were spoiled rotten narcissists and have no cares about anybody’s feelings but their own!
It takes so much for us to cut our parents off. YOU were responsible for them. YOU failed. YOU need to take responsibility
Some adult children would have left home when they were small children if they had known of a safe place to go.
I always felt like a guest living in my parent's house. I never realized why I never felt 'at home' anywhere even when I bought my own place. It's part of Narcissistic abuse. It's like being raised in a POW camp and children of these homes have the C-PTSD to show for it. Now I am content so I am 'at home' wherever I am and that's a peace most never achieve. Human's understand a prison even when the walls are gilded and I think that survival inborn instinct kicks in young in that environment.
@@ellyk8834
Well said. "...like being raised in a POW camp". I was ruminating yesterday and this morning about some of the "rules" my parents had laid down on me, especially in the months leading up to high school graduation. They saw that the time of their being able to dictate my every move was almost over, and they were trying to figure out how to keep "freedom" from happening. That was when I realized that they would ruthlessly break their own rules (and what had ostensibly been their principles) in order to keep control of me.
for serious abuse yes...not for personality clashes though especially during teen yrs.
@@margaretw5880
Personality clashes? We aren't talking about two people with equal power. When a parent's personLity clashes with their child's personality, guess who loses? In asking this question, I include teenagers.
perhaps you should give specific examples rather than make sweeping accusations, anyone can say someone is 'bad' but unless we know exactly from both sides- we can never really know the full circumstances- teen brains are not developed until after 25 and one thing they don't like are any rules/boundaries and no matter how strategic, careful and reasonable some parents are, you can rarely win unless you become the smiling doormat walking on eggshells to a teen- I applaud the small % of parents who succeed in not being hated by their teen/adult kids- when either use the 'power play' No one Wins.@@vintage6346
My husband died in May of 2020. My mother died in June of the same year. My brother-in-law died in September of 2020. He had been keeping in touch with me to see how I was doing. Then that same month I had to put my dog down. I felt broken!! My granddaughter and I were always close. She was our first and I practically raised her because I watched her while her parents worked. We watched our favorite TV shows together when she spent the night. We laughed, we did decorating projects together. We listened to music and went shopping, having fun all the time. She got in her teens and started pulling away to be with her friends which is normal. She still was at our house a lot until it got down to her stopping by to ask for money. That got old quick and I started telling her I was broke but my husband still gave her money. So my husband was dying. We all knew it. She knew it. He wanted to see her so he phoned her. She would make excuses not to come to see him. When she did, she wanted money. She cried and carried on about her grandpa being her best friend when he died while she was asking if he left his car to her. She got mad because he left it to his son, her father. She got mad at me because she was supposed to get some money when she turned 25 years old. She wanted it NOW! I said no so she stopped talking to me and her father because he got his father’s car. He tried calling her. He wanted a relationship with her. That didn’t last long when all she did was badmouth him and ask for money. I went through all the hurt and anger. Now I don’t care and when my granddaughter comes to my door next year for her money, she is NOT GETTING A PENNY!! I love her but this little girl does not know who she is fucking with!! 🤔👎
You go Grandma! But if she is legally supposed to inherit it, you might not have a choice.
@@stacyrich113 Thank you for your support. I appreciate it. There is no will document, nothing in legal writing. My husband’s name and my name are on everything so it’s up to me. This was one of THE worst times in mine and my 2 sons lives. She did not care about my husband’s or our pain. She is only out for what she can get. What she is going to get is a surprise! Us older people grew up in the 60s. We are NOT the same older generations that came before us. This young lady needs to be taught that there are consequences to treating family like shit and then think you will be rewarded for it!! 🤬
@@1920Janice Or maybe you're Scapegoating. I bet she tells a vastly different story and based on your attitude and how you speak, even without hearing 'her side' I'm inclined to agree if she says she was abused. You just keep outing yourself with your toxic punitiveness. You'll show her! Well, you're also showing the world who you are and it's not a pretty picture.
@@ellyk8834 My son grabbed his daughter by the shirt, looked her in the eye and told her that she is not going to talk to him like she was anymore when she said “Fuck You” to him! This is abuse to her? It’s not abuse. It’s called respect. If she was my child I would have smacked her across her face! She will never talk to me like that!!🤬🤬🤬🤬
@@1920Janice So yeah... You're all abusive or dysfunctional. She doesn't know better because you didn't teach your son better. If your response to words is violence or the thought of it then you are the definition of an abuser. Abusers also blame their victims for their anger/violence. She chose bad words to 'fight' and you and your son like to choose physical violence. You and your son show her respect as a person by physical assault and she told him off - shocking. Yes. She's a victim and you're not. If she punches you in the face - something you admit wanting to do to her - then you got what you were giving. She would be, while abusive as well, be far less responsible then you and son. You were the adults that created an environment of abuse and dysfunction for her to grow up in and that is 100% on you and son. Oh and you don't get to call out her behavior when you are doing the same and call it "respect" - it's called hypocrisy and abusers like you are perfect examples of it.
Edited to add the comment I was replying to:
*My son grabbed his daughter by the shirt, looked her in the eye and told her that she is not going to talk to him like she was anymore when she said “Fuck You” to him! This is abuse to her? It’s not abuse. It’s called respect. If she was my child I would have smacked her across her face! She will never talk to me like that!!*
Wow I am really struggling with all of this grief…my husband, her bioDad, has been dead almost 2 yrs now & now my adult daughter has verbally sucker punched me & said some truly hurtful things in front of her Grandmother. She has cut off ties with me & my grandchildren…I want to reconcile & fix it but I don’t know what I did & believe me I have asked…it is all too much & I am overwhelmed with grief…I am in grief counseling…thank you for your videos, I see I need to wait….the heartbreak is unbearable…
Marcea: Thank you for writing. I am so sorry you are going through this with your daughter. Please stay informed. I am grateful you are in grief counseling. You will benefit by being around those who love and value you. Be compassionate with yourself. Warmly, Marie
I'm gonna have a ceremony. I lost so much weight can't sleep eat. Got me fucked up. 2yrs. I m done. Too much. I don't deserve this. She's my only kid like this. Daddy girl. Narcissist like her dad. I gotta accept and move on. I'm a mourn my baby girl so I can move on
We dont and wont ever truly understand the actions of others
Stay strong and know you are not alone
my daughter is very happy with her choice and having a great life...I say good..Her happiness is really all I care about..and I think of how she has already had her grief for me..as I get older I am happy too that she is not responsible for me in any way.
It took awhile for me to get here..
@kathleencima4670 Hi Thank you for writing. Thank you for sharing with us here.
My adult daughter cut ties with me over 3yrs ago (along with her son who was 7) when I refused to do what she wanted me to do. Setting boundaries with someone who is used to you bowing to their every need and putting up with their abusive behavior for many years to all of a sudden saying no will most of the time cause a shit storm. Her wife (a police officer) even harassed me with threats and verbal abuse (she sounded just like my daughter) it was horrific at the time because I just had lost my mother and I did not handle any of it well. My daughter has always wanted EVERYTHING about her, I just couldn’t do it anymore. I had to start taking care of myself. I’m in the radical acceptance phase now but I always get stressed right before her birthday. Does she want to hear from me or not. She never remembers any occasion for me, but I don’t want to be like her, so I depend on the Lord to guide me and comfort me all the way through this. Thank you❤❤
I found Marie's video helpful, however I have followed this advice and find that my daughter wants me to continue on her terms and when she wants and also she keeps me separate from her friends, other side of the family and associates, I still feel there are trust issues that she is not interested in looking at and this has been going on for quite a while - I feel like I have to behave like a 3 yr old and don't feel respected, that I can be myself or that we will ever have a closeness- so now we are estranged again, she's 45 and I'm now 67 and really as they say 'I'm over it'. I have always worked on myself and I did not handle my children well when they were teenagers but always was a focused, caring and hands on mum making sure their daily needs were met and having some fun even as a single parent.
Hi Margaret: Thanks for writing and bringing up an important topic.
Without knowing your full story and history with your daughter, it seems like there’s been some boundary issues. May I ask if your relationship has included your daughter expecting a lot of you? Have you given when it wasn’t in your best interest but gave anyway?
Just guessing here, I believe we can respect our kids, apologize but also create boundaries around what we want to tolerate.
What are your thoughts?
Hi Marie, thanks for responding- my story is a long one and it would take a while to explain all the circumstances surrounding my family estrangement- but, it is still difficult because there is a 7yr old grandson who doesn't know I exist and that is my concern. I have been through some therapy over the yrs and at one point went with my daughter a few yrs ago, but this therapist was not really experienced enough, and I felt she was unhelpful. I know one thing for a fact and that is, that if you haven't had a relationship with your grandchildren while they are very young- it is not really workable by the time they reach late teens/adult- I know that for a fact- so I have had to accept this is the situation but, if my daughter continues to cut me out of her life, I won't be interested if my grandson is an adult and she comes to her senses later.@@youtubemariemorinestrangement
@@margaretw5880 Hi Margaret, thanks for letting me know. I hear you about how difficult it is regarding your grandson. Many parents are also considering what they will do if their adult child comes back in the future. Like your daughter, you also have a choice in repairing the relationship. Please continue to care for yourself. Keep in touch.
Thank you very much. It is very helpful. Finally I have found a forum for this disaster. ❤
Your adult child is making its own decisions. What a disaster!
Ive learned many things about my daughter this past year. The fact is i dont want her back. I dont want a person like her in my life. She thinks she did this for her mental health. Ha! My mental health has so improved! No more walking on egg shells or second guessing what im saying or doing. Its so relaxing
My daughters just faded out of my life and cut me off. I have not even had the privilege of knowing why.
I'm sure there are clues from before they cut you off. I'm sure they told you what they were unhappy with
@@sweetbeep no they have not but it happened during the time my husband of 44 years was divorcing me. I have since learned that people with NPD devalue the other spouse and have more than likely been doing it during the entire marriage. Only God know and I trust His purposes in it.
@@teresamacey4012 ..I don't follow what you are saying about the other spouse? What other spouse? You didn't want to try to find out why your daughters left? I'm sure they felt terrible you didn't care to try to find out.
Ask her! And listen really listen to the answer. You won't be in a worse situation if you do that
@@SusanaXpeace2u difficult to ask when one is blocked and there is no response from letters to last known address. I have read four books by experts and listened to hours of video. Respecting her boundaries is important. I keep the door open by sending cards but after four years I am backing off.
How would they know if anyone changes. They don’t come around
Be real. They’ll never change but, they will also say that they have 😂
@@PnkSupremeboy your a nasty one …😬 I bet ur parents are happy with your nc…😉
I don’t go around my mother because I gave up. After decades of her being mean and rude, I finally realized it meant hate, not love.
Cannot unknow that.
@@PnkSupremesounds like you’ve experienced a great deal of pain 😢
I have 2 children and 3 grandchildren who are estranged from me, my son in 2022 and my daughter in 2023 (the shift took 3 years since my divorce). It’s been a very crippling living death and I’ve learned more abd more on how to cope and I’m doing better but I still have my bad days. I know exactly what happened ! I know what I did and why I’m blamed. Being able to see this heal is something out of my control and in meantime time is passing quickly and I’m missing out on so many beautiful moments with my grandchildren. Unlike a lot of grands, I have admitted my wrongs to my children and apologized and taken accountability but to no avail. Thank you for your advice and I look forward to more videos.
Estrangement seems to be higher than 27%.
Yes it does - agreed.
more like 65% world wide- it's the Trend since 2000
Yes estrangement is a world wide trend. Is it a new thing for easy counselling ?? I mean if a counsellor just needs to say to young people, have no contact with your parents, thats easy! Move onto the next client and charge $300 an hr! Just a thought. Pauline 😏
@@margaretw5880 Or maybe it's people deciding they don't deserve to be treated like dogshit by their parents?
Everything you said is sharp and great maybe I was toxic iam going to change my daughter asked me to changed few months ago crying it broke my heart I want to become the best mother and accept for now that she needs not to have me in her life she feels betrayed has enough with my insecurities thank you but iam heartbroken
Maybe you were not toxic.
Maybe your daughter is a fault.
Millennials and Gen Zs have really thin skin.
Don't beat yourself up.
@@verasmith4767who raised them? This woman is saying she wants to take accountability and you shifted to blameshifting. You are narcissistic
@@verasmith4767 Dragging a crab back into the pot? Yes, definitely DO NOT encourage a parent to look inward and accept responsibility. Your way of child blaming and denying your own bad behavior is why you are estranged and there you are encouraging another parent toward advice that is guaranteed to keep them and you estranged.
How is it going?
Thank you. You've helped, Morin.
I am estranged from my daughter since March 2023. I accepted help from my son (her brother) and she is furious. I’ve kept the door open by texting how much I miss and love her. But regardless, she is hateful. I so miss her.
So sorry to hear this. Hope you are able to find peace and forgiveness.
You miss hate? Something's wrong with you.
Excellent video, in line with what I hear from my therapist, Dr. John Lucy, our two marriage therapists Lyn Stubbs and Dr. Mary Hebblewhite, as well as Tina Gilbertson (reconnection club) and the estranged heart podcasts. Thank you. Your input helps solidify the progress I’ve made. I will play this one for my husband. My older daughter is estranged from me. I have healthy relationships with my son and younger daughter. We all talk and communicate with each other more than most families, except my firstborn and I.
Same here
Same exact dynamics. I have 3 children. I'm in touch with my middle child my son and my youngest daughter lives at home with me. Haven't had any contact with my oldest daughter now for 3 years 😕
I have no children but recently found out that this is a thing for people of my generation to have children become estranged from them.
I hated my Mom for every single one of my teen years. She hardly ever listened, hindered me from many things, hurt my feelings, etc.
I thank her for it today. As an adult, I realized the tough love was just that. Love.
Disclaimer : my parents never divorced and my mom went to counselling during my adult years.
I really feel that many of the estrangement issues could be resolved through individual therapy on both sides first, followed by both going to another therapist. At the very least, individual therapy.
I’ve always had a therapist and yes, I apologized to my mom for many things. As an adult, I have a responsibility as an adult to maintain the relationship with my Mother. Again, my needs were met as a child and there was no abuse.
I’m also a therapist now. This video is golden!
Dude idk what that story was for. You just stated the obvious
My dad died,my daughter turned 18,she started being super disrespectful, she said no to therapy, I asked her to leave, to try and get her to work on what was going on, two months later, she is still gone and reconnected with absent ex con father, and will not have any contact with me. I have never spent any time away from my kids ever,i live for my kids,was i to easy? Did i spoil her! I fought her in anything she ever had to deal with! One day she just decided she hated me...I thought she was my mini me
You thought she was your "mini me". I've been that daughter and it's horrible. You'll never see things from her POV because the only things you acknowledged in her were the things that mirrored YOU. Maybe, like me, your daughter thinks and feels very differently. Maybe she feels unable to express that because every time she did you told her she was wrong or stupid or silly (or implied it with those non-verbal tactics abusers employ) so she stopped trying to be heard long ago and turned to mirroring you as the only way to avoid your negative judgement. Isn't it sad that she views a relationship with the quality of person her dad is as superior to what she had living with you.
Why does your daughter have an absent ex con father? Is that because you opened your legs for him?. Sounds like you made some poor choices and left your daughter stuck with consequences.
@@cricketycrickets3141don’t stray off topic. especially, if you’re gonna talk about some sensitive pussy shit aimlessly attacking other people
Our daughter cut us off after stopping her medication. She’s in a toxic relationship, has a therapist who has no business being one and is just lost. It’s gut wrenching. We love our children unconditionally and will never give up on her. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.
Will my mother admit fault to anything? Or just post a positive staged photo to her Facebook?
No one is perfect. Whatever happened to finding constructive ways to work through conflict. ? I can't even believe I am here searching for answers . I find this trend increasingly ubiquitous and very disturbing, I never in a million years would have done this to my own mother. Going on 6 mos of estrangement for me .And btw social media is behind this horror. These daughters all read from the same toxic script regarding 'boundaries '. I am the least likely person to impose myself of anyone I know . The word 'boundaries ' implies intrusion . I f anything I have literally tiptoed around my daughter as well as her siblings always conscious of boundaries . My 20 year relationship ended because of my exe's adult daughter. If there was ever a lack of boundaries it involves millennial and gen z , mostly women who are the most entitled , disrespectful and obnoxious generation to even walk on this planet .The way they talk down to their elders the people who devoted their entire lives to raising them makes my stomach turn. .By 40 life starts to get difficult and it will all come back to roost on their doorsteps.
I wish I had your mother
With this attitude, you're going to watch those 6 months(10 now)easily roll into 6 years
Frankly I’ve gone through so much with my daughter for so long that I don’t care to ever see her again!
My adult daughter borrowed money from me and didn't bother to pay it back. I feel disrespected and betrayed. She knows what she done and we are now estranged. I sometimes think about her but that's as far as it will go. What a shame!
Wow, this is a great video! Timely and on point. Thank you!!
It would be very helpful if you could offer some examples of what would be the right things to say, not just wrong things. Otherwise I am a little lost
Exactly. Examples please.
I am an estrange daughter and no contact with my mother. Alot of people say i dont know what i did to derserve this. I wish i had of know. I would fix it. So what if it is your character, your personality? Would you fix it? Would you fix it if you were aware that same parent your daughter was interacting with was the same parent in present day and that your character, your personality was still hurting your child with thise triggers and reminders that you will always be treated this way. Where there signs? There always are. Nobody including a child when they have been kicked down over years would would not show or verbalize a sign of distress to thier parent. The fact is when you minimize and undermine your childs need for help, you leave your child no other choice but to make a very hard very soul changing choice to themselves and cut have a quarter of there life and existence to be healthy. I told my mother more than two years ago, it was time for her to let me go. My mother had been presented with disturbing news of my level of abuse i had endured growing up. Not only from the neighbor, which she knew about but assualt of my brother and abuse of cousins. I sat waiting, waiting, waiting for her to do what. Nothing as she has always done. I am freerer, lighter and more me with this decision. Ask yourself this would you assualt a friend, make them still talk to you and act like it never existed. And be ok about it? That is what you are doing to your child.
Thank you for sharing. I hear you. I’m sorry this happened to you.
You are spot on.
Estranged parents trivialise the issue by attributing the estrangement to "a specific something inadvertently done a long time ago". They just don't get their children don't want them in their life because of their core personality. There is nothing to change; there is nothing to reconcile about; there is nothing to communicate about.
Estrangement starts in childhood, but the child cannot do anything about it because they're stuck. And when the time is right, the child leaves, mentally with grey rocking or physically with no contact.
The very fact that estranged parents say "estrangement happened suddenly and unexpectedly" is just evidence they know nothing about their child. What is the point of saying, "what can I change?" It is like a colour-blind person saying "explain to me what blue is". They will never get it.
Bottom line is there was never any real connection between these two individuals, and there never will be one. Some people's personality is such that they will never create a real bond with someone else. In the best case scenario, an estranged individual will understand they are incapable of a true bond. Yet, they cannot go any further because that capacity is just not in them.
I'm glad you've found some peace and freedom.
Parents change all we do is love our children
Not all parents love their children
Great discussion. Much thanks.
Thanks for watching!
At this point I already accepted that my daughter doesn’t want to have anything to do with her extended family and at the end of the day, it’s her choice .
Thank you so much ❤
How do I communicate if both adult daughters have estranged and blocked all avenues of communication?
I understand. Hope it helps a bit.
Leave them ALONE
I’ll never go back. The last words my father said to me , an independent working woman with a career that I am nothing but an F up. He’s a narcissist and I hope I never see him again. I will not even attend his funeral when he dies. He’s 88 now. I want zero to do with him his lies betrayal name calling shaming and blaming. I hate him and I hate what he has done to me.
Hi, your choice makes sense. No one should ever be treated this way.
@@youtubemariemorinestrangement thank you. He’s a covert narcissist. If you met him you’d think he is the nicest most mild mannered man ever but he’s not. I have been on the receiving end of the real him and he’s mean and nasty and hangs onto a false narrative of me he’s never going to let go of. Just the way it is.
a lot of story comments here don't really explain anything. Of course it's not advisable to just give all your life details online, but if you want understanding from other people, then they need better explanation than just "my children left, I don't know why" and "this one thing happened". This is way more complicated than that.
I don't understand how we are expected to NOT be defensive if we are called names and attacked with insults. It is said that to repair the relationship I am not allowed to be defensive or try to explain myself :-/ This was a good talk and so many things hit home, sadly.
I hope my "mother" greives for me everyday. She deserves to feel terrible for how badly she abused me.
Aren't you a bitter person 😔
I wonder that. Her sisters say oh pobre beatriz, she enjoys it. Does she ever think, wait, everybody feels sorry for me but 😮I've lost my daughter
You have a lot of work to do. Not healthy to wish pain on someone.
@@formerfundienowfree4235 And yet estranged parents commonly wish the pain of estrangement onto their own children. I guess there's something to agree on but don't you think wishing pain on someone who hurt you who was supposed to protect you is a rather natural reaction? It's not natural at all to wish harm to one's own young. There's a big difference there. Oddly it's emotionally unhealthy people that miss that distinction. It rather goes to the "You're just as bad as I am." mentality that Narcissist's employ. "How dare you be mad at me for things you definitely have the right to be mad about! You're angry! You're full of rage! You're as bad as me!" telling on yourselves.
@@fallon7616 Estranged parents absolutely present the victim mentality. To be clear, victim mentality is when you pretend to be the victim when you were the one that is/was the abuser when the now adult was a child. If you victimized your child and they act out on you later you don't stop being that child's abuser even IF they are 'abusing you back'. Your child is not abusing you if they have no contact with you. It's part of why the No Contact - the parent can't claim 'abuse' from their child. Sadly, many people see No Contact as abuse itself. Society is learning better - slowly. Unfortunately abusers are loud and very invested in their narrative of victimhood. Oh the poor parental victims of their horrible, immature, selfish, entitled toxic off-spring and all that No Contact 'abuse'.
Well you are right about going thru the grief of it presently. My daughter is free to do what she feels is right for her and I told her so. I am still recovering from past trauma & abuse, family narcissism and an ex narcissistic spouse and a secreted twin that my siblings and most family members don’t know about that has impersonated me on many accounts not in my favour! My daughter cut ties with me after I voiced that I no longer wanted to visit her and her family whilst her dad was there as I had noticed the direction correlation of detriment for me and after ten years of divorce I believed I had a right to implement this decision for myself. Plus she accused me of saying inappropriate things to her daughter but when questioned wouldn’t oblige a response. I never said anything nasty to or about her daughter. So yeah I know she had a hard time with watching me process and claim narcissism that I only came to know and start fully understanding in the recent past few years. I was actually beginning to turn down events and certain family get togethers as I could only handle so much. I’ve only just recently come to terms with the smear campaign that narcissists do and now realize that between that (ex lived with daughters for about a decade after divorce) and the religious cult she married into and controlling husband (who actually set me up !! so my daughter would really think I was mentally ill!!) I can see why she chose estrangement (which I was considering myself too) --although it was an actual ultimatum she gave me stating that would sever relations if I didn’t go as a family group to a psychiatrist and I state out loud all the abuse I claimed happened to me . Of course I wasn’t gonna do that plus it was a ludicrous thing to expect and desire. I told her it was none of her business and I wasn’t going live through it all again as it was painful enough the first time and I’ve been working on things my whole life due to these relations . Months later I found two microphone ‘bugs’ and remembered the one & only visit by her & her family where they exclaimed at one point that I had a couple of bugs and I had stated ‘there’s no way I said unless you brought ‘em in cause the building was brand new and I didn’t have so much as a spider.” They reiterated it again I just shrugged and said “okay”. Let ‘em think what they want-whatever. Yeah until I found these illegally and immorally placed microphones in my personal space and place of residence!!!! Also discovered in that timeframe when my e-mails were getting erased and tampered with that they had lied and had never actually released my e-mail address so that my internet account was fully in my name and control in my new place.(I was without an internet account for 5 months during redidence and employment transitions so they had agreed to let me keep my e-mail address active thru their account until I could set it up again.) So yeah, good riddens to all nasty relations. I did have to send her a screenshot of my e-mail account showing how I still hadn’t been transferred the power back to. (Ironically or maybe, duh, of course, every time I persisted it be done she kept getting mad with me saying her husband already did it like I was just stupid or unjustly untrusting.) I told her that when she realizes the truth to forgive herself. However, in the interim, if she wants to get together I want it supervised/someone else present and also that her husband after what he did will never be welcome in life as I can never trust him again and I also mentioned that I had held of calling her cult a cult as my friends and healthcare coworkers were telling me and I stated I did now indeed believe it was . I have to admit that even though you have to as a human go thru grief man is it ever freeing allowing myself to be free of relations that were inauthentic and cruel and did not feel good or safe!!!!! This has been a blessing. Sure it would be great if my girls came to see reason but honestly after two families of narcissism -- who knows.
Thanks for sharing. I’m sorry you had this all happen to you. I know- the grief is intense. I hear you sometimes it’s just too unsafe to be around people.
Marie is telling us as parents that some things we need to do must change and come from a different approach/perspective- I agree however, if you have done all that and still can't be relaxed and happy and yourself walking on eggshells, then it's not real or authentic with your adult child- they want you as they like and only on those terms- this part bothers me.
It hurts so much
I'm sorry you are going through this. Please do your best to be around those who love and value you.
Will an estranged mother come back????
I tried to talk to my mother about something important and she shut me down, defensively, the victim of me. I tried to keep talking but when i didn't respect her silent treatment, i was labelled "aggressive".
The original hurt i tried to raise was that she needed to stop xalling me sensitive and paranoid. She did this to disguise her lack of patience and empathy. So being labelled "aggressive" is more of the same, it's to disguise her inability to communicate.
My second eldest daughter has always been a bit difficult. When she became an adult, moved out on her own she became increasingly disrespectful toward me. I protested, she still did it.
I had a near death experience in labor with her, was revived, the doctor pulled her out of me. She hitched her toes up, which had unusually long toe nails. It felt like she was ripping me inside out. It started back then.
One time, I tried to talk to her, told her that mutual respect was necessary for us to have interaction with each other.
Her reply?
"You never earned my respect."
When she had her first sweet baby, it was rough & he was born with a birth defect, so, she practically lived at the hospital as he went through surgery after surgery while she coped with recovering from giving birth.
He is now 8 years old. When I visited her, her son popped off at her, she told him that he had better show some respect.
It was wrong, I know, I said it anyway. ""What if you haven't earned his respect." She knew exactly what I was referring to.
So, ya can't unscramble, scrambled eggs.
Thanks for writing. thats a great line! Well you may not be able to unscramble eggs but when we desire repairing, we can work on it. What do you think?
@@youtubemariemorinestrangement I think the ball is in my childrens court. It's up to them whether they come back or not. I did my part.
If they wait too long, I won't be interested in reconnecting. My desire to connect to them becomes less every day. Doing what makes me happy, doing nice things for people who actually care about me is a better use of my time & resources.
It took a ton of work to get to this frame of mind. Continuing in this frame of mind is healthier.
Understood. It sounds like you have worked hard to move forward.
We don’t know how things will go but we still can continue and find peace.
@@youtubemariemorinestrangement It's been a few years since I started working on this. Having finally reached a peaceful resolution, I'm rewarding myself.
I pick up my puppy in a few weeks from now. A puppy will love me & accept me no matter what. Not like children who grow up then forget all of the time, sacrifice, money I gave to make them into happy, successful, well adjusted adults.
'has always been a bit difficult'
Poor kid never stood a chance!
My mother brought up 4 children in post famine Ireland. Ireland was a fundamentalist Catholic country with women having no rights. My father was an alcoholic from the stress and stigma of being an immigrant. My patents didn't know that they were being abused by toxic government policies.
We 4 children didn't have the luxury of accusing our parents and grandparents and great grandparents of abuse and estranging ourselves from them. If your ego demands to punish all your ancestors, you have alot of time and money to waste by filling therapists pockets. Do some good for someone now and make sure your situation doesn't happen to anybody else. All these bad events make those who survive stronger.
Of course, there are very bad cases where the courts must become involved. I am talking here of the cases that stem from entitlement due to the rise in individualism, where people forget the lack of knowledge of our ancestors. They had to do the best they could without youtube this podcast or Google or even books or in my family's case, without the benefit of radio or television.
Our generation has nothing to whine about so stop wasting time feeling sorry for ourselves. Who cares if your son or daughter comes back?
Do something with your life now. You have been given the beautiful freedom to do something you might really enjoy without feeling the tug of guilt that you should be placating your son or daughter or their children. They will come back. Your positivity will shock them and you will be able to pretend that you never even noticed them gone. Always think kindly about them. View it as a vacation certain to end when they come running back when they hear or see how happy you are in their absence.
Good information. What is the difference between mother & son relationship than a daughter & mother?
There are a few dynamics such as sons defer to wives while daughters often defer to their mothers. These are generalizations of course.
@@youtubemariemorinestrangement
Thank you. I was very close to my mother and grandmother. I have three grown sons that our relationships are very different. I struggle with missing my mother and grandmother. The new concept of estrangement feels more than empty nest!
It’s been since 2005, one text in 2011. And it was not , a nice one, nothing since 😢
Have you acknowledged your abuse?
@@donnab8594 true ...adult children can practice abuse without being abused a sad indictment in today's world
@@peachesandpoets I love the hostile replies. They expose their nature and attitude. Oh and the gaslighting... Only in their world do children walk away from love. They just can't grasp that their definition or idea of what love is not love or healthy at all. The not concealed hostility is so illuminating. And they accuse ME of sounding angry. If I sound angry, I presume they consider yelling things like "Back off!" as normal and totally not angry or hostile. LOL I love projection.
Hi can you do videos on Self love and putting the love ❤️ to our selves. 😊
This is so very helpful ❤
I'm so glad! Can you share what you thought was most helpful?
I think you missed the key component here which is parental control. Estrangement is predicted more than everything else combined by the expectation of control of the adult children. In healthy parent child relationships Between pre-teen and mid20s it goes from a parent child control dynamic to 1 what looks to the adult child as 50% and is usually 70% control in practice. This also means that the greatest thing and a strange parent can do to prolong estrangement or shut the door on reconciliation is to atempt to observe or Relationship and over the historical Relationship and/or over the historic areas of conflict. It also gives an obvious way to show effort in following the adult child's lead the way they expected the child to do so and the child was 10.
You mention divorce alot, but what about death. Death of the father ?
Thank you for your video.
Super duper.....this one helped me very much.
So right❤
Thank you
I have to love fron a distance.
I have found my voice and my authenticity, which I allowed to be compromised since a well retained, and ill informed therapist told my daughter that she was abused. I have no intention of walking on eggs anymore, so I don't see reconciliation in the near future. I cannot thrive in the presence of such toxicity...it's actually caused health problems.
Putin feels abused and not validated because Ukraine does not put up with his crap. So? So many people feel that somebody must always forgive them and love them no matter what.
And I’m fairly certain you don’t even know why this war started. This war is actually Ukraine‘s fault. If you do some research you would know that.
Look back in history. Nothing happens in a vacuum, just like parental estrangement.
Breaking a storge, agape relationship...family
Been 2 years and 2 years and 2 months. She pre planned it years earlier. Was cold in reminding me every year. Tried to get her into therapy and refused. Said it was because of her dad. Once told me I could be her house slave basically. Then decide I talk too much so she was discarding me too. Her eyes looked black like shark eyes. She was cold towards us. She had little to no friends in high school. I clung to hope she would find her tribe. Nothing happened then. Paid to send her overseas to study. Nothing there either. Supportive of every endeavor even living in college apartment with our blessing. Helped every step. Her excuse to relatives “ I can’t grow with them”. Uncle says she is ruthless and anti social/ psychopath like him. He unmasked himself to me. She then cut him and final grandmother out. Entire family was cut off, she has no interest in others. Everywhere she goes it’s the same. Only bonds to a lover. Played Damsil in distress to get a sucker to take her in. She’s so vindictive I actually fear her. Thought about locking my bedroom door at night with a better one because of the black eyed glares I got. Some of these kids are straight up insane. She had flat affect with no personality at home. No mask. I was told I was her favorite person. Yet I was not spared. I lived in false hope. 😭. She broke and shattered the whole family. We were her cheerleaders. I recognize now just how incredibly sick she is. I see her hurting everyone she comes in contact with because she is so indifferent. Love was rejected. Hug’s rejected. No verbal or physical abuse in the home. Only good thing is. She didn’t make false accusations. Just couldn’t grow here. I say. Grow a mask. A false facade of sanity. The anti social feels nothing. We are left holding the emotional baggage. Her pre school teacher picked up on her not being like the others. We were clueless. She never hurt animals. But showed no interest in our puppies we got. Not normal for a child. She was never hit or spanked once. All interactions seemed intellectually based with no emotion. She didn’t connect with her female peers at all. No girly girl talk or drama by her. Was unusual teenager. Like a 30 year old in a young body. I thought I escaped that horrific drama with her. Little did I know it’s because of most likely psychopathy. Now the head count is 3 psychopaths/ASPD coming from my husbands side. Her childhood fantasy was “ Dictator “. She had a dictator name for herself “ supreme Leader …. With her name”. They say this is the best outcome if this is the situation. Hope for an estranged situation. But I’m mentally crushed and ruminate all day in pain. I feel bad and sometimes wished I aborted her. Knowing I have a dark daughter who will go on to betray more people.
Hi Purple Lady: I'm so sorry this is happening for you. This must be so hard for you. Warmly, Marie
You’re the problem. All you did was talk about what’s wrong with your daughter and everything you’re going through. Next
"She had little to no friends in high school"
thats definitely a flag for something
Hoow can she tell me anything when she won't talk to me, she's never responded to 1 text oor aby voicemails. This started when I got a restraining order on her. Abusive boyfriend who abused her then mè,she called the police but refused to talk after I already did!then she left with him and that was basically the end,other then a few times she spoke to me on the phone and I'd figured out she stopped taking her bipolar meds .I had kept getting them and I found 7 months worth untouched soo I asked her about it and I found Adderall in his dresser and I asked about that since neither was add or adhd. She obviously didn't like that I looked but I wanted to know why he'd turned violent, it was the second time in a month but I took him in for 3 years prior and I never saw/felt nor knew anything about him being abusive. I'd thought maybe it was the drinking because he'd just turned 21 and I'd noot been around him or tori drinking until then but I was looking for something to excuse his behavior and I now hope it was the Adderall, which can make people who don't need it moody. I lovedhim like a son prior to what he did. I fear for her all the time!
Oh my goodness. I’m sorry this happened to your family. Drugs can complicate relationships terribly. I hope things improve for her and she’s safe.
Not really helplful in my case where the promise of money from another evil relative was the swaying factor
I don’t even want to hear this coach unless she herself is going through this. Advice is cheap
She said she had "emotional estrangement" with her mom I think. That is pretty vague
Yeah. Click bait. I'm so sick of this. These people pretending to offer solutions but they are contributing to the problem.
You are confusing. Did the parents do something wrong by getting divorced? Because you said the parent has a hard time admitting to doing something wrong.
Im a divorced dad and my wife cheated on me in 2014 with a wealthy man 20 yrs her senior when my twin girls were 9 and we got divorced. I had what a thought was an excellent relationship my daughters until this past year when one of them moved to her moms and then a couple of months ago the other did. They seem to want nothing to do with me and left for college without even saying goodbye. Is tough on me no doubt because I truly have no clue why but life has to go on. Maybe we can rekindle a relationship one day, maybe not. Sad of course but weird. They probably have their reasons but I was blindsided. Oh well.
It’s not “oh well” it’s painful. But there are years ahead and often family do reconnect. Leave the door open and get on with your life. Don’t dwell in the grief, you can’t put your life on hold. You will always be their father.
I agree
Very interesting. Can you do a podcast about mother and son please ?
Hi Louise, Next week!! Thank you for your suggestion.
While your video elucidates the reasons adult daughters may be motivated to exile their mothers, a couple of points are overlooked.
One is how this is often a modern manifestation of psychology blaming mothers for childrens' mental illness ; which psychology has a long track record of doing. The other thing that is never considered in these debates is how much profit therapists make as surrogate parents to estranged adult children - who report endless suffering and are highly likely to be perpetual clients.
People with halfway decent actual parents don't go looking for a surrogate. So non-shit parents have nothing to worry about.
@EalaFia-sb7ku Hi thank you for writing. I get what you are saying. While the perception has been that the psychological community includes childhood experiences participate in mental illness, we know there are other components. Often, there is a biological component and the likelihood of childhood trauma that can be perpetrated by mothers, fathers, siblings, other family members, and others.
In terms of perpetual clients, I am curious on your thoughts on the benefit of sitting with a professional who is unconditional, non-judgmental, and supportive? Perhaps, the client is relieved to find someone with whom they can feel safe enough with to return to regularly.
I have no concern with the unconditional positive regard most therapists strive to provide. I am concerned that estranged adult children often get years of therapy and still report ongoing intense anguish. It seems like the main benefit in these therapeutic relationships is the therapist's bank account.
even God had imperfect kids . US.
I said that to God in my prayers this morning. 😅
Get rich they will talk to you, it's a sad world, people who have the money hold their purse strings and then their kids respect them so much more, its a fact, any comments people??? If you are poor they treat you like crap
Not necessarily. Elon Musk, one of the wealthiest beings on this planet, is estranged from his daughter. Estrangement exists in all income levels.
Get rich and report back how it went
My daughter developed schizophrenic symptoms after using Marijuana & since then, I have heard of two other people who also developed schizophrenia after drug use. Do you have any videos on this topic of drug use contributing to mental illnesses?
My daughter has been hospitalized for psychosis and self-harm at least three times in the last year. She hears voices and has delusions. She and I have been estranged for 11 months. She has persecutory delusions that people (former friends and family) want to hurt her or destroy her art.
Look into treating schizo with niacin. And I mean researching it online. Doctors may not know about it. Of course they don't want your daughter healed. Stand up for her and help her get real help!
Best stop taking drugs
Not anymore. She wants to yell, insult and cuse at me but if I stick up with myself she doesn't want to see me anymore. He father was only around only 2x a year. Her husband wants her dads contractors license so hes the good Dad. So done with her selfish and mean behavior. I never hit her or treated her bad. I have a son and we have a very respectful great relationship. People are not perfect and these kids want to us to be so I'm done. Im not talking about the kids that were abused mentally or physically. Also, I don't have to get wrinkle cream on my birthday every year from her. She is a alcoholic so that has a lot to do with it.
Being raised by you drove her to drink
Criminals see family who still love them !
Sadly, I think daughters are less likely to communicate with their dads, because they get attention and offers of friendship everyday. It would take a major event for this to happen. Also, feminist role models encourage separation from patriarchal males like fathers.
Let me get this straight. If the parent has had to endure the trauma of a painful divorce and needed to find her own way back from depression, that's a valid reason for a daughter to write her off. Sure. I'll look somewhere else for "help."
She didn’t say it was valid
It is valid. They didn't ask to be here. Your problems are your business. If you allowed your problems to impact their development in any way you failed. You weren't raped. You chose to be a mother. You didn't give them away. You chose to raise them. You messed up. They don't owe you anything. Any mammal can reproduce. You didn't do them any favours. They don't owe you anything. You and your failed relationships and bad choices in love are YOUR business. Stop destroying them further. If they don't want to deal with them, leave them alone.
Who chose the guy to marry??? I assume if it were a forced union you would have started with that 'I'm a victim' nugget. Your job was to manage your intimate relationship, depression AND look after your adult responsibilities including your child(ren). If that was too much then it was your responsibility to get help as YOU were the adult. If you blamed your daughter for these problems or failed to provide for her in a healthy way then - news flash - YES. That IS a reason to write you off especially if you keep acting like your mentality isn't seriously problematic.
Im not well long story my daughterhas adhd like me. It started with me estraging her cause every video csll im critisised over apearence always cant take it no more i was married to a malignant narcissist. Im the one who estranges because of her terible insults
I understand. It’s not ok to be mistreated. Have you thought about getting someone to help you with your relationship with your daughter?
Ma fille ❤️ a eu l'aliénation parentale par son père et cela fait 23 ans que je ne l'ai vue. Et pourtant j'ai toujours été à l'écoute et pris bien soin d'elle.😢
Communicate with your daughter... are you for real? Being cut off means they dont talk to you at all.. how can you communicate with someone who cuts you off... sorry, really poor statement and no wisdom there at all...
I understand what you saying about acceptance with the lost relationship with your daughter. However, as time passes my grand children are growing up and their nana has not heen able to he there as they grow up and conrinue to not be a part of their lives! This isnt fair over something that had nothing to do with my daughter?! Situation stemed from an inncident with my son at the time?! Life is too short at what point will your estrange adult child recongize this and try to come to terms and deal with this so our famly can get back on track again?!
Hi, thank you for writing. So unless your daughter believes there was some type of abuse that occurred, there is research that suggests adult children soften in time. They want to reconnect as long as they do not feel that they will be unsafe. As far as your missing your grandchildren, I understand and this is very stressful for you. Consider focusing on what you can do to prepare for when the time presents itself to speak to your daughter. I hope this helps.
who here is a daughter who cut ties and read these selfish narcissistic comments from cruel mothers ?
Yup.
Its a process we were too enmeshed... time apart helped.
Begge to alle tre 🙏🙏🙏❤️❤️❤️
If you can't reach out when your mom is battling stage 4 cancer... at that point you kind of closed that door permanently . I have no use for you. My therapist agrees 100%. 🤷♀️ it aint always us lady!!! It's drugs and trans and veganism, and universities and even the jab and society in general. You don't see this stuff happenning in Mexican-American familias!!!! Yes it hurts and it always will on my end. They do not give a rats ass. The can enjoy life until the day the state Police stop by to tell them I'm deceased. Maybe THEN they will go to counseling!
The state police doesn't notify children of their parents deaths 😂
@lorileon2816 100% they do!! I've had to answer the door for them 3x for them to tell me someone died!! The police are always the contact point as first responders. What do you think happens? Guess you've never had to deal with deceased bodies, escrows, police, coroner's, burials etc yet. Mind blowing how you know zero about any of this and have never had to deal with it before, but you exposed a lack of knowledge, lack of critical thinking and inability to use a search engine sufficiently. Maybe you live in another country and they do it differently there. But the state my kids live in, it will be the State Police who come, not the county or city. And they will want to know where the body needs to be sent.
@lorileon2816 guessing you've never been notified as next of kin before... they most certainly do. Try Googling it. First responders duty kiddo.
She will come back , sooner or later children need you !
How’s about adult children word adult, for no reason just cuts of ties, it’s disgusting how the adult does the abuse by using grandchildren that is disgusting, even mediation the mediator mentioned that the child had issues to do with herself so plz be an Asians they should take accountability
Estrangement is spreading to the Asian communities in the West. It's like COVID.
They don't owe you anything. Move on with your life.
@@donnab8594 "They owe us respect and love." -- who is entitled again? "A good parent earned that a long time ago." -- And your child has decided you were not a good parent as evidenced by the lack of love and respect you are getting. You are getting what you feel they deserve. Nothing. Sounds like that's coming from the top down. Parents set the tone of things and it's why the saying "You reap what you sow."
Why is it that mother's especially see it as a problem caused by the daughter? Mothers are such a part of every aspect of their child's life from birth. When a child becomes an adult it is hard for mom to step back and let the child move forward and create their life as the mother was able to do with her life. Mother's feel welcome to but in and offer input even when it is not welcome because she is the "MOM". When a child distances from the mother it is seen as the daughter who is the problem and not the mom. Mothers need to look at their behavior and see where they may be overstepping their bounds. My mother felt welcome to go through my private things in my private bedroom in my own house. She saw no boundary there. She rifled through my room at will when I was still at home and so no issue with continuing that behavior. If I tried to address the issue my mother would get defensive.
Dear @carolcalton4720
Thank you for writing and sharing your thoughts here.I agree that many people have preset thoughts of who is to blame. Many immediately blame the mom and others blame the daughter. I suppose it has to do with who is most relatable. I hear what you are saying about your mom crossing boundaries and how difficult this was for you. What are your thoughts on how to move forward?
@youtubemariemorinestrangement This is no longer a problem. My mother is 95 and no longer visits. In the event I confronted her, she would change the subject or leave the room and make a comment to deflect. Now, any pushback garners a response of "well, I guess I will just crawl in bed and die," which I ignore.
@@carolcalton4720 I’m glad it’s not a problem any longer.
If Adult children behave in this manner why even refer to them as adults
They resemble 2 year olds more than not
Time to grow up kiddies
Its not all about you
Obviously it is about them or you wouldn't be worried about it.
Maybe that lack of seeing them as adults is the problem. As a mature adult yourself would you like being called a childish toddler or immature? Maybe the problem is that your child IS an adult - just like you - and expects to be treated as such and YOUR disrespect of treating them like a child is what is creating the reaction you are perceiving as disrespect? Who are you to be the judge of which adults are and are not mature? Such an ugly and off-putting personality trait and to be fair, from my POV anyone who declares themselves as mature by labeling everyone else as immature is the person who needs to grow up.
Will your estranged daughter come back? Hopefully not for her sake!