How To Deal With Resentment
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- Опубліковано 25 сер 2024
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In case you haven’t met me, my name is Natali Edmonds and I am a board certified geropsychologist. That means that I am a clinical psychologist who specializes in working with older adults. One day, while hiking a trail, I came up with the idea for Careblazers and I decided to see if posting videos online could provide help to the many other Careblazers in the world who don’t get to have help come directly to them in their homes. I hope that this work helps you in some way on your caregiving journey.
#careblazer #dementia #dementiacare
I wrote a huge long novel and had to delete that. This message is for me. I am going through this exact thing right now.
Me too. My journey is just beginning with this.
@@IamMCCUSA I am so sorry. Mine started 3 yrs ago. The first year was horrid because I took the things she said to heart. She accused me of being my dad whore and tried to kill me often, mostly when we were at the house.
Leaves to take her out often as well as long as I got home before sundowners as we were kind of safe.
What changed my pain and focus was to surround every thing in love and realize that if she were a child I would never give up on her.
She really is like a toddler and has enough to get herself in trouble. She can’t go to the bathroom hello, right now she can’t do it at all because she broke her hip. She’s so confused especially since my dad passed last October. She thought he was ignoring her. No she remembers but he visits her all the time at the facility she’s at. I have to bring her home soon and I’m terrified because I can’t physically handle her myself and I can’t afford 10,000 a month. Once my dad died we lost his Social Security. My mom only gained 200 a month when he passed.
She was able to call people and read, but now she can’t read, right, care for herself, feed her self, but she’s angry. Most the time she’s stuck in a bed unless she’s in physical therapy. She can’t turn on and watch TV, talk on the phone, write, read, feed herself. I know the fall took away the only thing she could do which was walk.
Now I have to dilute 57 years of living in that house, set it up so I can take care of her, which means I won’t be able to go home anymore I only go home two days every two weeks and have helped to feed her while I’m gone. Medicare only allows 100 days a year in a rehab facility. I don’t know how I’m going to be able to take care of her but I’m going to do my best. I’m working just trying to get help right now. Long story but I’m doing all I can.
My home is two hours away, my brother is two minutes walking distance and so is my nephew. My nephew finally came and helped feed her the other night but he made tons of promises when my dad died and nothing happened. My brother hasn’t even checked on her or called to see if she’s OK. No visits. She raised him especially long and he was the last child so he got pampered as well. My parents raised his children.
She used to have all sorts of visitors in her life at her home, and having all the family activities there and caring for everyone. And now no one visits her but my niece and I and I am her guardian. She asked if everyone’s dead, because a lot of people died of Covid and she’s saw the news for a while when they had that station on at her senior living place that we had to have her in for a while but now I can’t even afford that. Did everyone die? All her friends, rest of the family, gone. “She’s not the same”. Of course not, but she is the woman who never stopped helping and giving! Now she needs help more than ever. My treasure needs protection.🥹
♥️🙏🏼♥️
Me also. Her house is five hours away. I am willing to try what you suggest.
I just recently moved my mother from Nevada to Virginia.
I also am going thru this!
I solely cared for my aging parents for decades. After my mom passed away I moved my dad into my home because he had early dementia. He decided to sell his home and I informed my siblings. They had 7 months to help. No one showed up- no one called. I pleaded with them to give me a weekend to myself. No one showed up-no one called. My dad passed. I feel major resentment towards my siblings not towards my parents.
I have as POA sold mom’s condo and I’m clearing it out as well. She is in a private care home with a wonderful caregiver. She begs me to come pick her up. I told her yesterday her condo sold - she was sad and upset. The hardest part for me is having to make these decisions on her behalf, from where she will live to what to do with the contents of her condo, as if she’s dead, but she’s not. You’re right Natalie, it is exhausting in every way. When she yells at me and says I never come through for her I just want to hide until it’s all over. Prayers for you and your dad. Thanks for sharing your insights and wisdom.
You CAN correct your mom when she guilts you
I feel like your mom is crying out for more time with you. She is unhappy and does not want to die alone in a care facility. It is very real to have fears like that towards the end. A deep desire to restore times not had are usually a thought people nearing death face. Does not mean that the skills are there to fix the relationship...the call is there though. Remember that speaking about and preparing for death is a brand new concept for some. it is certainly a taboo subject in dogmatic religions and for that generation. Good luck to you both.
It is so difficult. No doubt about it. When my mom and dad were 92 and 93, i got cancer for the second time. The next year, my brother and i moved them to a small elder home with minimal assistance. They were so unhappy and both passed away four months later, 2 weeks apart. It was horrible. Try to remember that before long, your parents will be gone, and you will miss them terribly. ❤😢 It is just so difficult.
Caregiver here. You’re doing a great job. That’s all I want to say. ❤
I had a similar time with my mother when I told her I had to clear out the storage units she had. Everything was full of mildew, mouse pooh, damaged and etc. She was not happy as she had books there she wanted to read. Problem is that she was too weak to hold a book, too far gone to interpret the words and the books were a health hazard. Yes, I could have spend a year trying to go through each box and try to salvage items to sell but that would take time away from her.
I learned from Natali, Pamela Wilson, and Teepa Snow that as the caregiver I am making the decisions and if what I do would be harmful to my mother, I can just choose not to discuss it. It is difficult to flip that switch from being the child to being the responsible adult.
This is especially the case when it comes to doctors and nursing homes. They try to do what is in their best interest and guilt me if I don't follow their script. I have let them all know several times, I am the boss, and what I say goes. Example, I flushed out 2/3rds of her medicine as she was over medicated. Several meds clearly stated on the label to NOT give to a person with Dementia. 6 months later I did a random pop in to visit her and discovered them giving her a double dose of pain med I had removed! Point is, own being the POA.
To me if my parents were able to fix their issues they would have done so long before I started steering the ship. It is a horrible feeling to cut loose of parents legacy but that is part of being the caregiver. As with you the property and houses had to go. It took alot of courage to complete it. Congrats to you as I can relate.
So, if it isn't something positive for her I have no reason to bring it up. I focus our time on just being together.
Look up one of Natali's videos about "lying". it helped me a lot as being 100% transparent isn't always the best thing to do. Example, when a parent begs to come home. In the videos they talk about how to redirect that conversation.
It is heart breaking to say no but someone in advance stage of Dementia needs 24/7 care. So many elderly walk away from there homes never to be seen again. I will take the difficult conversation and advice from the experts instead.
best of luck with your mother.
This was me last year, clearing and selling the family home of 37 years after my Dad died and my Mum had a stroke and ended up in a care home with paralysis and dementia. I was so angry and resentful. A year on and the feelings are less but I still struggle. Thank you for addressing this. ❤
This is magic advice! I am watching it over and over again to fix it in my mind. I just love these mini lessons. Thank you, Natali.😊
Wow did I need to hear this!! Been taking care of my 87 yo Father for 6 yrs now with very little help from my 4 siblings. Have gone thru every resentment feeling you mentioned.
They will be around soon enough once the money comes through from the inheritance 😢
@@gillianm9367 - you are so right! After my Dad died in 2018, my brother flew out to check out the will and go through Dad's safe & was here for his funeral (my sister didn't even come to the funeral) and haven't heard from either of them since; neither of them has been here to help me & my husband care for my mother; she lives with us. She has moderate Alzheimer's. It's ironic; my dad said before he passed that they had had a son to take care of them in their elder years and their son wants nothing to do with either of them or their care! And my husband and I have been taking care of Mom for 5 years; she is thriving living with us and is 90 years old. My husband is resentful (he is doing my brother's job) and says he didn't sign up for this. And my health is declining, and we are both depressed. Not sure how much longer we can do this.
Same with my siblings. Not one showed up to help selling my dads homes no one showed up to give me a break while caring for him. He passes a year ago and my resentment and disappointment runs deep
7years for me. I my child and this began 4 days after I left a marriage. It’s so hard wthen there is no end in sight!
Perfect timing to receive this reminder. Thank you so much
I myself thought about that , I have cleared my apartment , kept very few things . Paper work done .
I feel like already do not exist . Waiting to pass away, I am not sick but I know that day will come .
One day everybody will go thru that . Our stuff will be old an only the good stuff will be taken by our family . It’s sad, especially when it’s our turn an we are too old to do anything about it .
Boy, oh boy, this is exactly where I am. Me and my husband have been caring for his mom, off and mostly on, since 2018. It’s getting harder and harder. She need help with everything now. I have very little freedom now. I feel like every day is Groundhog Day. I pray all of the time and feel guilty for my thoughts as they make me feel so mean.
Thanks for this video.
Wow, I had a chuckle when you wrote Groundhog Day, cause that’s what I’m living myself 😂gotta laugh or you’ll cry
I can so relate! We pray a lot too, my husband and I. Mom lives with us. I hate to say it, but we pray for this nightmare to end or a solution.
The Lord strengthen and preserve you, Dr. Natalie!!
The lord??? LOL
The Lord can and does help Christians for real.
Thank you for presenting all this issues and feelings.
The way you do it, is realistic and practical. Blessing for helping so many of us that have gone or are going through the same situations. Sending prayers 🙏🏼
Thank you for this,for reminding me that I'm human..I wish you the best. 💜
M in the same position now, 4 siblings none of them are helping and they have blocked me every way to the point ive have now to get a court order. I need support
Mom died Tuesday. I had these thoughts and now feel extremely guilty and ashamed
Sorry for the loss of your mom, you will slowly get your life back but sadly not your mom, best wishes so sorry take care of yourself 💙❤
@unapologeticvegan7959 Know that your feelings while caregiving were normal, and give yourself some grace. I'm sure your mom would not want you carrying a burden of guilt or shame and would want you to release it.
Mother in law passed yesterday very sad demise but the family kept her at home we were all there the night before to say our goodbyes she was 88 diagnosed January this year 💙❤
You feel that way because you're a decent person. You also know deep down you have nothing to beat yourself up for, we all do it. Be kind to yourself, I'm going through the same feelings like many others.
You're exactly correct. I'm that person and my dad died 2yrs ago. Im exhausted thinking about what to get rid of, after all, it wasn't just 50+ years of my parents items in this home, I aso grew up there. Trying to help my dad to clean out, eliminate was something I wanted him to partake in instead of it being put solely on me.
I’m going threw losing my only sibling. My parents escalated down. My Dad, sadly passed away slowly after losing his physical and mental capacity with my mother following the same route. I brought her to live with me and my daughter for a year. Her dementia kept getting worse and I could let her out of my sight. I just recently got her moved into assisted living care and she absolutely loves all the attention she is getting and I’m not so stressed. Everything isn’t perfect but we are blessed and taking it one day at a time. I’m still not myself yet after everything I’ve dealt with the last 3 years and practically losing my whole family.
Understand and relate. You’ll get through this! Prayers and hugs.
I needed to hear this! Mother died 3 weeks ago and I have to clear out her house to sell it. I know I can do it! And I’ll buy a house for myself after, as a reward. (I’m an only).
This resonates with me SO much!
I keep reminding myself that my oldest sister, 66 years old, might not have had the physical capabilities I had. My other sister (63) has many health issues. Two nieces live out of state with younger children who can’t/couldn’t just stay home alone with their dads. Two nieces and my daughter live in state, but about 2 hours from Grandpa’s old house, sold in February 2023, after beginning the nasty hoard cleanup July 1, 2020. I was only 45 minutes away, with a spouse who died after six months on hospice, and a child who needs 24/7/365 care… but I was the only one who could help, outside of court-appointed strangers.
I couldn’t abandon my parents.
My dad and I are “alone together” now, with my child.
I’m still finishing remodel of my home, from two bedrooms to three, after he moved in March of 2022.
I keep thinking that my dad doesn’t have much longer, and he wouldn’t transition to a care facility too well, but I do get a break with him going three days a week to adult daycare for about 5 hours each day.
I anticipate having help come in the house for him fairly soon.
I hope my difficulties encourage others to persevere.
No. It sounds like you are neglecting your own self care. It's not a race to sainthood. Individuals aren't meant to handle EVERYTHING. It's not a fault to ask for help. The speaker doesn't address this, she's only dealing by " positive thinking " which isn't 1) constructive or 2) a logical solution. It will take It's physical toll = 40% of caregivers pass FIRST.
I'm beating that statistic with good planning and finding workable solutions.
** Downsizing a large house/ selling / moving/ AND FT spousal care. Not a martyr **
@@bcLCurtis214 what is FT?
I do think that the 40% of caregivers are probably spouses. Refusing help with my mom almost killed my dad.
I have asked for help, but family refused, all because of my sister telling manipulative stories - including that I bullied her as a child. I can’t figure how a 65 pound child (me, at 12) could bully a 18-year-old of 150 pounds… it didn’t happen.
I’ve been working through each major task as I have been able. I finished with my husband’s estate after my dad’s house was sold, 15 months after we were widowed. I’m just finishing my mom’s estate after most of a remodel, so I had a bed again, 21 months after. I do take daily walks with my son.
The only way that I’ve been able to manage everything is because of all the details that didn’t coincidentally work out as well as they did - without a doubt, there is a God who gives us the strength and guides us, as we need to do what He gives us to handle.
If anything, those who read about what I’ve had to handle can see their situation from another perspective and maybe get ideas from how I managed… plus look to God to help them also.
What I’ve learned is that the best plans can go awry (like what my husband had thought), but I can tell you that I still can’t abandon my dad - especially after he’s repeatedly ask me to “be his helper”. I’ll just prepare for hiring help, now that the remodeling is almost done.
@@bcLCurtis214hmmm… good for you.
Thank you for sharing your personal experience. I’m sure it’s difficult to be so public with your journey. Hearing this is helpful for all traveling this path
😢😢😢 💯💯 Thank you so so much for this. I am too clearing my fathers house out. I feel guilty for feeling this way. Thank you so much.
This time can be considered as an opportunity for you to be a blessing to others...donating items helps others, your work in the home frees others from that task [ another gift from you to family] etc....blessings to you Natalie.
I am dealing with a lot of resentment right now. I am caring for an uncle, who has no other family members that will help him. He has always been a narcissist, worse now that he has dementia. He was married and divorced three times (always their fault, not his) and chose to not have children. After his last divorce, he moved from Florida to NC to be near me and made me his beneficiary because "I was his favorite". I literally didn't know the man until I was in my forties. I think to myself ALL the time, "I DIDN'T SIGN UP FOR THIS!"
{Hug}
No you didn´t. And in that specific case I think it would be ok if you said no to that "assignment", since he never cared much about others before and you hardly new him either. So I don´t see any obligation from you to him. However you need to decide what feels best for you in the end.
Those of us who are caring for someone abandoned by all other family, or other family is even less able to do what we do, have a special place in that person’s life. We have opportunity to be the light among the darkness that overcomes the darkness.
I suspect that you are compassionate…
Having compassion is right.
Compassion is the light that everyone needs.
I pray that your uncle responds positively to your compassion for the remainder of his life.
Are you an atheist, or do you have faith in God, or do you adhere to a religion?
I give you such credit for doing this. I was put in a very similar situation for 13 years but I was closer with the person. I cannot imagine your situation but your a star in my eyes and have good karma. I wish you peace!
Yup. I feel this way even as a spousal caregiver. I'm not giving up the last good years of my life, without asking for help. Keep searching agencies, clean out people, nonprofits for assistance.
It's true, thankyou for yr words
Wow!!! Living the same at this moment. Dealing with Mom's home, not easy. Through the process, I see how lost Mom's mind is...🥺
Hug and comfort❤
Really appreciate the distinction you make between thoughts and feelings, and acknowledging that you have the choice about whether you get stuck in the resentment that arises for you. When I faced a similar issue with my mother, It really helped me to hear that holding onto resentment is like eating rat poison and waiting for the rat to die. It helped me understand the toxicity was impacting me in a huge way, It also helped to clear the resentment out of my body as well as changing my thoughts. Thank you so much for addressing this, and honoring the truth of your situation. It's tempting to push resentment aside because we don't think we SHOULD feel it, instead of facing and acknowledging it. And yes, you can do this - you're awesome!
We just went through this with my grandma and her home it was all left on my mom to deal with. While in the process of cleaning out the house I heard of Swedish death cleaning and I told my mom about it, so all her stuff isn't left for me to deal with. I am in the process of going through my own stuff. God bless you all. Look up Swedish death cleaning i thought it was interesting and thoughtful.
I had the same thoughts while care giving and cleaning out Mom's appartment. One day it occurred to me that I only get one chance to get this all right. so that became my mantra that served me well thru the end of Mom's life and in all that needs to be done after. It's a journey but you only get one chance to see your parent thru the difficult times and to the end. It was my pleasure and honor and now the journey continues without her.
Thank you for this advice. For the past 8 months I have been going through this with my dad going into a special care facility and being an emotional and physical support to my mom. I get those thoughts a lot and have been riddled with shame and guilt because of how resentful it’s made me feel.….but you’re right…they’re just thoughts and I can change them. “It’s only temporary” is a good one. ❤
Good Advice!
You look good!
Oh wow! Can definitely relate!!! Just did that (took nearly two years).
It can bring out the best in families or the worst.
You have the best "can do" attitude and though it is tough, you are doing great!
I agree, the most helpful "mantra" will be this too shall pass.
When they were little, I used to read my kids the Little Engine That Could... times like this are a reminder to keep chugging along. ❤
Thank you! I needed to hear this. I take care of my elderly mother.
Thank you ❤
If we lived close enough, I would offer to help you clear out your father's house. My MIL is 91-years-old and an extreme horder. I dread dealing with the mess she's leaving her only child, my wife!
I am living your fear now and it’s tough.
@@wendy3624 I plan to have them drop off one of those huge garbage containers and load it up. It might take multiple ones. My MIL has kept EVERYTHING! Every scrap of homework my wife ever brought home. Every piece of clothes the three of them wore. Every appliance she's ever had - broken or not. Then there's the Cool Whip containers, aluminum pie plates, plastic cups, thousands of canning jars with decades-old food in them. Every magazine she's ever had, every church bulletin, every book, encyclopedias, costume jewelry. You name it!
Such wonderful and helpful advice! Resentment does not serve anyone, it is a very negative emotion. We really can change our thoughts and, by extension, our feelings.
Can we imagine how our parents put their lives on hold while raising us and they did not complain but enjoyed every moment. Maybe we can give something back even though we can never repay their dept. Times may be tough but everything is temporary.
It’s hard not to have resentment, when my mom did nothing to take care of herself and I now have to pay for that and my entire life is on hold. No friends, No free time, no relationships because of her “plan” to die before my dad. This temporary phase has lasted 3 years with no end in sight
That's me exactly right now. It's so hard isn't it! My mom neglected herself to the point of her having to move in with us 3 months ago. Our life had changed in ways I never imagined. 😊 she's 87 and is lapping up the idea of me caretaking. You are not alone, I feel your frustration. My dad died 6yrs ago and its been nothing short of a nightmare.
I'm going through this right now! I keep telling myself it's only temporary! I needed to hear it from you! Thank you!
I'm caring for my 77 year old husband who had a stroke 4.5 years ago. He's been in and out of hospital since December 2022. His lack of willingness to get better has made me sad and resentful. My health is now starting to slip.. all the physical strains I have had to deal with has taken its toll
Some thoughts are not our own.
I soooo need this ! I could say so much right now, but you’re who I need to hear. Everything that you are talking about is what I’m going through caring for a disabled parent. God sent you to me.❤ I’m new to your channel. I’ve been praying to find a relatable person or group like this.
Thank you for sharing your personal experiences. It makes the situations more relatable.
i think this is good advice but what if the "temporary" could be years with dementia and you're already years into it, and have no siblings. What do you recommend telling yourself then?
Exactly. I am an only child, I brought my mom to live with me. Yup, this situation isn’t going anywhere.
That is really hard, I feel you. Am in that very same situation at the moment. At a certain point, I had to draw the line and be honest to myself with what I can and am willing to do for my parent and what not, even if I´d like an ideal version of myself to be able to do more.
That helped. Doesn´t mean I´m never ever resentful, but it reduced it a lot.
Acknowledge when you're beat. When you are physically and mentally exhausted and your own wellbeing is at risk then you need to get professional help, whether it's in home carers or a nursing home. Don't wait until you're burnt out like I did.
Thank you for this advice 😊 My husband & I have resentment in taking care of my mom, who has dementia. We had planned many years to travel after we retired. I've been feeling like a horrible person for feeling this way.
I feel resentment too. It feels like it’s taking important years from me, but I’m taking this advice she’s giving. Let’s see how it goes!
Exactly, my husband is actually putting off retirement now, there's no point, we can't go anywhere even over night. Her and dad had a great retirement, she doesn't care in the least that ours has been indefinitely put on hold.
Thank you for being open about this. The video was helpful.
So smart; been there done that. YOUR CORRECT
What a good healthy strategy to practise. I do the same. I can imagine the mess which is way too big of a task for only one person when having to clear out your dad's house. Asking other people for help is important too.
Brave and honest self exposure..thankyou.
I was under some stress and had resentment. Had to put her in a home and I had the caregiver clean her apartment and then in exchange, I told her to keep everything. I took my mom's clothes and important papers and pictures. It made things easier for me.
Thank you. I fell trapped. I have 6 siblings and only one of them helps me. My mom has been fighting cancer for 17 years. I moved into her one story home and sold my husband and I three level home. My mom did not tell my siblings that she had cancer. So two of them and one nephew treated me like I was taking advantage of my mother. They now know my mom is ill. They have never apologized. Especially my nephew who called me to tell me I needed to move out of my moms home. They never knew that I paid her car and homeowners insurance and cell phone bill prior to moving in and have continued to do so all these years. So yes I feel resentment. Mom has stopped chemo. It is not working and her body is not fighting the cancer anymore. I feel guilt for wanting my senior years to be free of this burden but I don’t want to lose her. Resentment and guilt.
This message is much needed. Thank you ❤
Thank you for being so transparent .
❤❤❤❤ love love love this advice! Bless your heart and your care of your dad! He’s blessed to have you! So is the rest of your family! God’s continued blessings and strength upon you!
I hear you..just remember that you are strong..this too shall pass..most important!!!
ONE DAY AT A TIME!
resentment is a normal feeling..in some cases.
Trust in your progress and you will be fine after all is said and done😊
Great advice! I have been caring for my husband for the past 20 years, last 15 full-time. This past year the resentment has been building more and more as I realize I have spent 20 years of my life caring for someone who may live for another 10 years. Even with help, I am ultimately responsible for the day to day issues and often feel trapped. It is only when I reframe my thoughts, that I manage to get through another day without feeling that resentment. I have to realize what I have gained in this situation vs. what I have lost in order to cope.
Wow, I needed to hear this message. Definitely, been having these thoughts and feelings. Thanks for sharing.
I read an article once about the Scandinavian Death Clean; and for two years, my husband and I have been going through the basement, the garage, the shed, and more recent, the desk and closets; cleaning out and organizing everything in minute detail, so our sons won’t be burdened like this upon our deaths. It’s also going to be easier for me and my husband…for whoever dies first. We are in our 50’s and in good health; and we will now be prepared, and our sons will not be burdened. Everything is labeled and organized (Christmas ornaments, schools up to university), for each of them. Funny my husband and I noticed it isn’t tiring work. We feel so wonderful and have much more energy. So sorry for this young lady…allow yourself time to grieve🙏🏻😘
Completely relate to this, Dr Natali! I’m right there with you and appreciate you posting this, so I can replay as needed to remind me to change my way of thinking and keep moving forward! 💜
Thank you. I needed to hear that for a totally different reason, but it helped me to try to change my thoughts to more positive ones.
We are just starting to deal with this. Thanks for the direction.
Totally get this! It’s so hard to do this full time, but it got specially difficult when my sister(one specific) used her mil as the excuse not to help with her own mom. It’s taken a toll on my health to let bitterness and resentment be in charge. I now focus on being thankful. I have a niece that has stepped up big. She cares for my sister(her mom) her 5 kids/hubs and when I need a break or want to spend quality time with my fam, she helps❤by keeping my mom for a short time. It helps!
I have a younger sister who takes care of our aunt, my mom’s 93 year old sister, and she has also helped. There’s more positives than negatives.
I feel what you feel right now. This is good advice. It makes me feel better knowing I'm not alone. It's hard.
Thank you for this, made us feel that we are not alone!!!🙏💛😔
Wow! I so needed to hear this. I’ve been dealing with a lot of resentment and anger lately and I need to do the same. Thanks for sharing!
We had to tell ourselves to be patient and focus on the clearing and cleaning of moms home. Mom was a big shopper and collector however everything was put somewhere or hidden in her basement. We cleaned as much as well could before the man came to do the updates. The rest we had to hire a group of people to cone in and do her basement. It took two days and it was completed. The rest we did by carrying stuff out to the dumpster outside. I really was astonished how my mother could have accumulated so much stuff that you couldn't even make it around her basement; clothes, collections, newspapers, magazines, furniture, groceries from years ago and the list goes on. We were able to take a few pieces to decorate her room at the assisted centre . She was in a wheel chair at this point and had dememtia/Parkinson'. We could take turns and visit her there without worrying about spending our whole day cleaning and resenting all of the junk accumulated. She only had very few items in her beautiful room and loved it. She loved her new place so much she had no questions about her belongings being removed. Her shopping continued every few days but she didn't buy nearly as much. A few pieces of clothing every week and nothing much for Her room.
Brilliant. My brain only knows what I tell it. If my brain gets a negative idea, I can change those thoughts with my intentional self talk. First step is recognition of those thoughts. Thank you!
Yes I could not put a name for it. My exact words. Thanks for the encouragement!
Great. Wonderful. Many thank s
I am dealing with similar thoughts.
Someone told me taking care of my Dad is an honor. I do have resentment, I am mostly exhausted.
😢thank you. I have felt that in the past. Trying to not have that happen to my love ones.❤
Me too…praying I don’t leave a huge mess for my kids to clean up
Same! Thank you for sharing ❤
Thank you for this!!!!! I find I get resentful thoughts A LOT… and now I have a new tool to help with that!!❤❤❤
I'm doing this for my uncle's house now. I tell myself I am getting things done.
such great advice, thank you 🙏
Clearing out my parents house helped to give me closure. It was a roller coaster of emotions but when i finished i was very satisfied that i had managed to do it, as i didn t want strangers trashing all those memories.
Thank-you for everything ❤
I relate to you! And I do the same..I happy to know I am not the only one thinking that way
Thank you for this!
Cleaning out a home, any home can be an overwhelming task. A parent's home is special. Most of the time it is a place full of memories of shared experiences. It's sad and can be depressing knowing that the seasons of life are irrepairably changing. I have cleaned out more than my fair share of family homes for both my parents and my siblings who had no one else to do the task. I try to approach this task as honoring and celebrating their lives and cherishing the memories of the lives we have shared.
Excellent
Excellent advice
This topic needs to be spoken about…. I did this for my mom…. Not one relative helped! It’s the most difficult thing to experience alone! Your parent isn’t dead but your dismantling their life! And they are in a facility wishing to go back to their home….. pure torture! I tell my friends pray your parents pass before this happens to them… horrible fact of the process of life!
Dealing with a mother with dementia now. My mother was never nice to me and I know if I was very ill she would not take care of me like I take care of her. Yes, there's resentment, but I do my best to put it aside and do what I have to do.
Honestly, you have found the key to life! If you use that same approach with every negative thought… Just imagine!!
This is so true! I’ve had to start telling myself this is temporary, it’s a stage in my life, it will pass.
As a caretaker I appreciate this!
I understand... I tell myself I'm doing it because it's the right thing to do not because I want to but because it's the right thing to do
Exactly what I feel. I didn't realize it was universal. It's hard, but hang in there, and t will be over with soon. ♥️🙏
Im living the exact same life as you Natalie!! this sucks!! I even live in Phx AZ. just keep moving forward!! time marches on.
So true. I had to let it go. Thank you and God bless❤
Thank you for sharing
So true! I tell myself this many times in life, “this is temporary!” Because everything in life really is no matter what it is… Challenging work project, challenging colleague, challenging child stage, etc…. Nothing in life lasts forever.
Thank you so much for your input. I think I suck as a caregiver but I have no help by you. The best I can which I don't think it's good enough.but I am also stressing. I meantly going out of my mind
I’m dealing with my deceased mom’s place now. Got two in-laws to go next and they are packrats too…I would do myself good to take your advice😂 This is temporary. This will pass. I can do this with God’s help.
Both my parents are gone, my brother and I have been cleaning our childhood home out. I never got mad but it is extremely exhausting on every level. The emotions are real. We don't live in the same state that we grew up in so we have to the cleanings in segments. I don't think the outcome would have ever come differently, so it is what it is.
You are a shining star to your fellow care blazers. Thank you.
Take it from an older person. It is OUR job to declutter before it gets that bad. I am 63, Snow Skis, gone. Parachute, gone. These are two things I will never use again. I once lived in Florida. I had at least 3 months of "Formal Beach Wear" I down sized to 5. I now live in a two bedroom condo. I will NEVER dinner service for 16. I loaded the dishwasher perfectly. Everything that didn't fit in went to goodwill. I have never drank a cup of coffee, so why did I have a coffee pot? I have gone as far as finding family and friends who want a particular piece of wall art and paintings with instructions who gets what. Most likely, when I die, it will fall on one of my nieces to clear out my house. Why should the disposal of my stuff burden her?
Seriously, who wants their family members 3 grade Blue Ribbons and Trophies from skydiving competitions from the 1980s? The Ribbons can go into a scrapbook. Take a picture of the Trophies and put the picture in the scrapbook and the Trophies in the trash.
A responseable adult buys or prepaid for their funeral arrangements in their early 40's. Banking and insurance information should be centralized, and your family knows exactly where it is. I want family and friends to "Miss me" not be irritated because "I wasn't organized"
My mother has been planning her death since 1966. She is still alive and will be 94 in October. My brother, sister, and I know her wishes and have known for 50+ years.
To the lady in this video, don't feel bad. What you are going through is normal. The difference between you and me. My parents were analytical and mythological. My father was a CPA, my mom a Psychologist. Side note. After my dad retired, he took a part-time job at a funeral home as a Greeter, so he could get a discount when he died. I am not laughing at my dad's death, I am laughing because he was so frugal! Learning from him, I have already paid. I choose cremation. People think I am joking, and I salute the funeral home, but I had an appendage into the contact that states, should I die in a fire, a discount calculated due to "The Job was Particularly done."
I took care of my Dad. It was an honor.
well done, I learnt that years ago, as we carers we need to watch what we say, most of the time were on our own, the only one that hears those word, are YOU! ONE REAPS WHAT ONE SOWS! now Dr Natali you are looking like a real care warrior, the battle is hard and only the one's in it, see it.
God bless you!
Thank you for sharing. My stepdad passws away in January 2023. My mother and I trying to decide how to organize his home of his stuff.❤
Thank you 😢
Thank you