How To Convince Someone With Dementia They Need Help
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- Опубліковано 26 лис 2022
- When someone with Alzheimer’s disease, Lewy Body dementia, Vascular Dementia, Frontotemporal dementia seems to be in denial, it can be hard to get them to change. In this video I share how to actually get the person with dementia to change without causing more harm to your relationship.
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In case you haven’t met me, my name is Natali Edmonds and I am a board certified geropsychologist. That means that I am a clinical psychologist who specializes in working with older adults. One day, while hiking a trail, I came up with the idea for Careblazers and I decided to see if posting videos online could provide help to the many other Careblazers in the world who don’t get to have help come directly to them in their homes. I hope that this work helps you in some way on your caregiving journey.
#careblazer #dementia #alzheimer
My mom doesn’t think she has an issue; it’s everyone else, not her. She thinks I’m lying and out to get her and all I’m trying to do is be a good son and help her and care for her. I’m having a really hard time with this and she’s just in the early stages. Nobody else in the family sees what I see and she tries to mask around them so the don’t believe me. It’s really hard.
I'm in the same boat. My mom "showtimes" really good in public, but she cannot live alone by herself safely anymore. My aunt tells me, "she just needs handrails in the hallways." It's much worse than that. It seems she's only angry at me, not anyone else. But perhaps it's because I've been doing what Natalie says not to do in this video -- pointing out all the things she's forgotten how to do. And there's a LOT of things...... But I had no clue she had dementia until this year. Now it all makes sense. I hope you're able to take care of yourself too. I dunno about you, but my mom's behavior is crazy-making. I had to step away.
@@mvbigmagic4048 it’s really hard. I’m at the point where I might have to step away too. Everyday is getting worse for her.
I completely understand where you're coming from.
Maybe you can video her in those situation with your phone not letting her know or record her words. My husband’s family didn’t think it was what I was saying. I started taking pictures and videoing. A good one was when he put blue toothpaste in his hair to hold it down. Sent it and videos and a report from his neurologist. They quickly understood. Later, I suggested they invite their dad over for Thanksgiving. I needed rest. It was like caring for a toddler, men’s diaper briefs. One son did and they really understood. He couldn’t wait to bring him back. One time his daughter called (a nurse but brainless) and said to me…he knew who I was. I quickly replied that her name came on when she did call. She says, oh…. I pay a friend to sit with him so I can do errands or just to get out for a while. Some places have daycare.
My husband and I are in the same boat. It his Mom but my house is not safe for her and we still work full time , it’s very difficult but Im glad for teaching videos like these and everybody feedback really help.
I text my brother in law everything I observe because they never realized she has dementia for at least the past 2 years , they just realized it 4 weeks ago and she is in the mid phase already.
As my dear mother in law progressed in her dementia, one day she told me she was afraid, that she didn’t know where she was. This was very unlike her. I thought about it for a moment and replied, “it’s okay mom, you are safe with us and we’re going to take care of you. “. Because we had a long term relationship, she always recognized family members. It was enough.
💕💙👍
My husband didn't know me today 1st time ever...in a store 😭 10:21
@@edewest5036 Oh dear … Big hug to you ❤️
@@edewest5036 this is what scares me to death. Strength to you. ❤️
Yes, but even when you think they comprehend, they do not. Try using 4 or less word sentences. The result is the same, to acknowledge their concern.
Another thought about the house would be to leave, drive around the block and say "oh shoot I forgot we have to stop at this house and water the plants" then drive back and go inside. by the time inside she may recognize something of the interior so not have the thought "this is not my house".
i'm going to use your tip, thanks!
How I wish you could help me right now! My mom has all of the signs of at least stage four vascular dementia. And I am disabled with reflex sympathetic dystrophy. I’ve told her doctor over and over again. He is also my doctor, but he can’t tell me anything.
We a leaving a a few hours for a long car trip across two states. I have my permit back, but she won’t let me drive! Last week she ran the busiest red light in town twice. There was five car horns going off at us. Last year around Christmas we almost got T boned because she doesn’t pay attention when driving!
She’s lost four of her upper front teeth. Because she stopped brushing her teeth. She did the same thing as you talk about in this video she accused me of replacing the lights in the bathroom last year.
She’s got physical with me and I’ve taken pictures of it. But she won’t face it at all. Her doctor has ordered her to get an MRI and she won’t do it. Nothing I say works!!!
If anyone reads this it’s October 12th and tomorrow is the 13th. If a person of faith and prayer. Please pray for us as we travel through WI today and tomorrow MN.
She’s paranoid, has sudden mood swings, is very impulsive, and when she’s not all she does is sleep.
I have done all I can do because the state of Wisconsin can’t help me till she’s diagnosed. And she won’t get the test done to get diagnosed and it’s bad. It’s so so bad. She’s hasn’t cooked since thanksgiving if 2021. I’ve lived off snack food, junk food and fast food so much my stomach is a mess. I had to finally stop eating at times. Because the stress and my own pain issues. I am sick all the time because I’m in my last stage of my own illness.
I have God and I know he’s on my side. But being in this all alone is so tough. I had a girlfriend of nine years keep saying will figure it out. I begged her last year to move up here and help me. She freaked out and didn’t know what to do. I knew then it was over. When I ended it in June, she’d later write back out of hurt and anger I was right she never was brave enough to move.
Does anyone know how tough it is to be with a mom that was emotionally and physically abusive till I got too big to hit. Then watch her control my dad for so many years. How she had to have the dishes and the house set up. Now it’s a little house in the north woods she won’t let anyone else enter because of the mess it is inside.
I am awful for saying this but I can’t wait for her to get found out because I’ve tried for two years. Nothing has happened but she’s gotten so much worse.
God bless anyone that read this I power dumped a lot. I’m scared and I’m alone and it’s really tough to be in this battle all alone. I have faith and trust that the Lord will be done.
This is Douglas just to add to the last posting I given here I think it's important that my wife Jessica was only 52 years old and she was at least 48 when I noticed signs of dementia but all of your videos that you did all of the information you handed out was my lifeline to me be my wife's only caregiver because she was denied every service is available to her so I was on my own and you were my lifeline thank you for all your videos and get really save me to help take care of my wife thank you
I recently purchased a digital clock for my LO.
I just said” I came across this while thrift store shopping with my daughter”
“ I thought it was pretty cool, tells you month , day, date, time and whether it’s morning afternoon or evening”
She’s thinking, I wait patiently.
“ I thought maybe we could just put it here I on top of the fridge.”
She said oh I don’t really need that. I have my calendar here.
I didn’t say anything, we proceeded to have a muffin and coffee.
About 30-45 later.
Oh did you get me this nice picture?! Looks it tells me everything I need to know! Isn’t that nice.
She proceeded to call me and ask me everyday if I had bought it for her.
She Loves it!
I just wonder why people with dementia seem to always make everything so difficult or even impossible? Why don’t more people just QUIETLY lose their faculties while being pleasant and non-combative? My grandmother was like this. Super easy.. but not my mother! Why is it always such a huge fight?
I believe that it's because most people aren't really quiet or nice. They may have behaved like that, but it was a very long act, to be socially accepted.
I'm thinking the person Im having this problem with was already like that all their life they drove every person involved away with insanity they wouldn't admit it then and is just worse about it now
So many people object to "lying" to your loved one. Being kind is way more important. Example: telling a woman who is asking for her husband that her husband is dead is in fact cruel. Lying by saying he's at work is kind.
That's the type of question that I will gently change the subject. It generally works.
You can see what the dementia is doing to them. Don't be blind to what it's doing to you.
This world is full of liars, it doesn't need another one. Find a soft was to say it.
Or even better, you'll see him after a while... which is true in one sense...
@@virginiatozier9957sounds like you're advocating Reality Orientation which is no longer considered as a way to deal with things, it's deemed unkind and distressing
Please be kind.
The individual who suggested that we tell her “he’s‘. ‘at work’ was offering a solution. She does not need to be shamed. And The individual with dementia has memory loss. She still has feelings and knows you are annoyed. If we could all just be kind to EVERYONE (including ourselves) all of us could be so much better.
Just as my husband was moving our wardrobe in the middle of the night, so I asked him what was he doing this for. He told me the refrigerator was in the way and he needed to go to the bsthroom. I said well we do have 3 so come with me and used another one, so I took his hand and led him out of the master bath to our guest one and he said now why didn't I think of that! I told him maybe he was so tired. He accepted that.
V:
I appreciate what you are saying in this video but am having a hard time applying it to my situation with my mother. She should not be living alone but refuses to move or have help come in. She is an extremely negative person and sits all day at her kitchen table being angry and blaming me because her Dr. took her license away. Being alone is very bad for her mental health. I live an hour away but there is a person taking her out for groceries and cleaning ladies come to do housework. How do I get her moved without trying to convince her? I often have to back off because I get angry and particularly because I am the target of her wrath.
I’m with you on “how do you apply this to the mom-can-no-longer-live-alone?” situation. The goal is to keep her safe. The only solution, since she had dementia and dad just passed away two weeks ago, is for her to not live alone and assisted living is the only real alternative. But how do you accomplish your objective by “diversion”? (The “this is not my home” situational response of “Oh, I know, we just had to stop here and check on the owners’ cat”, etc. has no equivalent to the living at home safely problem…as far as I can see.)
I’m in the same situation. My dad has just been diagnosed with Korsakoff (alcohol induced dementia) and the doctors have stated he needs 24/7 care in an aged care facility as we don’t have anyone who can look after him around the clock. At least he’s not leaving the hospital until this is resolved, so I won’t be getting calls from the police that he’s fallen in front of a car again, or crashed a car, or been unconscious on a park bench.
He furious and says it’s my fault I didn’t help him earlier - I live 1000 kms away in a different state and have gone up multiple times to bring him back, help him sort out his house, rescue him. I’ve also booked him into rehab 3 times prior to the diagnosis and he’s refused at the last moment to go. He’s only 68 years old. Then other times he says he’s fine, has no problem, and asks why I lied to the doctors about his behaviours.
I’m so angry at him too, but at the same time I just want him safe. And I also want him in an environment where he can socialise with new people, where he’s living his best life. I have no idea how to solve this just yet.
This sounds like my life with my mom except I care for her 24/7
i’m in the same situation over here. My dad basically killed himself and I think it was so he could get away from my mom
with mild dementia, because who knows- she may have had dementia since she was 50 and no one knew it. She’s always been paranoid and delusional and hostile and aggressive, and then she can be a sweet and docile child like go-getter. I guess I always thought she was just a narcissistic borderline personality who was a very toxic individual and now she’s 81 and my dad‘s been dead Almost a month and she refuses to go anywhere or hire any help and even if I get a caregiver for a few hours a day that won’t be enough because she’s still driving and she loops every five minutes but then other time she has crystal clear memory and it’s scary! I’ve taken over everything and sometimes I think maybe I’ve made a horrible mistake and I doubt everything and I feel like I’m gonna get in huge trouble. And also, it’s hard for me to call her my “Lo”, because I don’t know if I even love her. She’s horrible and she abused my poor dad, unfortunately I am the closest person to her, and Im suffering terrible guilt and feelings of responsibility for her even though she has always been her own worst enemy. I don’t know how to think backwards to solve this impossible riddle. I usually just pray that she will die peacefully in her sleep and so I can say, “thank God that nightmare is finally over”. And then I just feel like a terrible person for thinking that and of course the next time she calls me she’ll be sweet and nice and say something like I’m a wonderful daughter and she loves me and she got my daughter a lot of nice Christmas presents and she misses my dad and then I flashback to her pinching him and throwing water on him and screaming at him And I get caught in this loop.
Thank you! This has been such a challenge because things change moment to moment and sometimes I feel guilty when I choose not to be honest in order to solve problems
i think about it like this: when we reach the level where we need to use magical thinking, honesty doesn't apply, and maybe some other values... i'm just starting this road...
8 years in with my LO and they still are convinced they are completely fine. It’s beyond frustrating. Yes, I know it’s the disease, but it’s still frustrating.
Hopefully by now, you realize you don’t have to convince them that they are not fine, you just have to work around it.
I don’t think it’s a piece of cake to work around it. I mean you can get better at it but it’s still quite a challenge.
It's horrible. My 62 yo husband has become physically abusive. Always been verbally horrendous. Anyone else experience this?
@@chook1678That's when a care home would start using drugs. Hospice has many tools for that, if they are eligible for hospice.
As a former care provider, this is the most valuable video I have ever seen!! Everyone caring for a dementia person needs to understand and follow your advice!!
I find the comments almost as helpful as the video! Join your local Alzheimer’s Support Group!
I agree!
My mother is in a nursing home. She is convinced that she doesn't need to be there & she will be able to come home & do chores & cook meals & never hallucinate & fall. The nursing home's doctor told her it is up to me when/if she can come home. So now my mom thinks that I don't love her & don't want her around.
I know why I want to convince her she needs help. So she knows how loved & precious she is to me & does not have the stress of constantly tryingto convince me she's fune. I get that part. I just don't know what steps to take next.
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I am so confused about this. So, I have 2 sisters both older than me. One has dementia and the other has moved in to take care of her. I drive a ways fairly often to give her breaks so she can go home.
Example: Our LOWD insists she is going to drive and is given keys that don’t work and told she lost her license. She gets angry.
Example: LOWD insists on putting her gun (we’ve gotten rid of all ammo) in her purse without us knowing. Later showing the gun in her purse when looking for PO keys. When she’s told she can’t carry that any longer because her LTC has expired she gets angry. All of this comes to a head inside and she rants and raves about various issues she is confused about telling the caregiver to pack up and leave. Finally things settle down and 30 minutes later she’s forgotten everything. At least for now.
I’m concerned for the caregiver sister. If we can’t explain things how on earth do we keep her from doing whatever she wants? I was hoping if the neurologist wrote down that she can’t live alone or drive we could just show that to her. But this video has dashed that hope. The reality is when she sets her mind to do something she’s going to get angry no matter what we do. We’ve been at this for 3 months. I can’t imagine how anybody survives years of caregiving.
As a care giver for dementia for the past 5 years let me tell you that it is not going to get easy but you will be able to come to terms with it. Also just day yes to every thing they say. And just don't do it. Just wait for 5 min or better change the subject. Tell her someting that she wants to hear. For me my patients like to hear that she was beautiful , that she had glamor and that she was the most beautiful and then she will forget what she was doing and stop and in this way try to avoid. It's 24 hour care because in the Initial stage they won't even sleep and neither can you because the mjn you do off they will run off somewhere without you knowing. Also keep all sharp objects hidden or out of reach because they will try to murder you since they sometime don't recognize you and they think they are defending themselves.
So good! It took me so long and so much frustration to learn how to do this. I felt I had finally overcome arguing and convincing (and for the most part had) and then last week I had a big ol argument over clipping toenails. (sigh). Part of the issue with us caregivers is that we want our loved one to be more themselves and to be logical in these things that seem to be no-brainers. What helps me at each new stage is to take some time to actually mourn incrementally the losses and then see clearly the path forward. This really helps me shift my thinking and be a better caretaker for her.
Thanks for sharing!
Exactly right...mourning the loss of the actual relationship. There is nothing that can save a relationship when a Spouse is not a spouse, but has turned into a narcissistic toddler, and you are now their parent.
At the same time of mourning, learn to accept this is a new person who needs your calming help.
I really needed this video. Dad is in process if getting diagnosed. I have tried for ten years but my parents covered for each other and he refused to go to the doctor. Mom passed and now dad is a lot worse still months later. MRI shows problems but neurologist follow up appt isn't until a few weeks. Dad thinks he can drive and doesn't need any help. I am watching your videos and soaking up all the info I can. You are truly an angel on Earth with helping all of us care for our loved ones. Thank you.
When my grandmother was not safe to drive, but insisted on it, my dad came up with a clever solution. He dismantled the car, and put a note under the hood telling anyone she recruited to fix the car what was going on. It worked, as nobody seemed to be able to fix it for her!
With the car problem the keys went missing as it was the best solutuon to a really difficult situation ...
My mom has her appointment in 3 days… 6 week wait. She thinks she is fine. Take the keys and the spare keys. I said insurance suspended until assessment is complete.
diagnoses is hard when they are good at fooling others who dont know them. had to go to geriatric dr and have mri done and even then i had to tell him her brain mass was 2 standard deviations lower than normal . “ oh yeah, ok ill prescribe arricept” . not that it helped
@@heartofglass7235 I would you give you more thumbs up if I could. On my mom's first evaluation, they asked her to spell the word "world" backwards, which she did, and they said oh, she has mild dementia. I got so upset and told them that stupid test does not show that she cannot operate a microwave, almost started a fire on the stove, already gave away her social security checks to sweepstakes instead of paying her past due bills, is eating nothing but toast day in and day out and throwing away everything else, already had the police bring her home because she got lost driving. They finally sent her to a 4-hour interview with a neuropsychologist; after 4 hours of talking, my mom was no longer able to fool, everyone could see the true condition of her brain.
You are so spot on! My wife, PhD, has not been a corporate leader for over 7+ years. She believes she is 100% capable. Yet, She can not remember where the coffee cups are in a house that we have lived in for 20+ years, that we use every day. .....(Now that you understand my world). I find that, I end up negotiating things for future discussions. For example. Go to bed here tonight, and tomorrow we can discuss... going home. You know if you do "X" for me it will make my life better. Lastly, my wife will remember that she has been arguing / debating with someone for hours... but NOT remember what the discussion was about or with whom, with in 5 min of the discussion. (We live alone). To your point, logical discussion is over ruled by her feelings.
Thank you so much for posting this. I really love the idea of "discussing it later".
My mom stopped drinking 22 years ago after many years of having a nightly glass of wine (or two) with dinner. She was prompted to quit by a sudden acute pancreatitis attack the doctors attributed to alcohol. Her dementia has been slowly progressing for 5 or 6 years but has recently become more pronounced and she and my dad picked up their nite-cap routine again. My dad mistakenly thought it would help with her anxious/ agitated behavior but it has turned into her feigning for alcohol almost from the first moment they wake up in the morning until they go to bed every night. It became really bad recently when she was sneaking his gin and guzzling it in the mornings and she was spending the entire day drunk and mean. She fell into her nightstand around 10 days ago and had to be hospitalized for two nights for a brain bleed (we were so lucky it wasn't much worse!). The drinking was a high concern to the hospital staff and we were told she had to stop. My dad had already been working on trying to end the drinking once he realized it made his life a living hell, but my mom's dementia has made her meaner than a hornet's nest, and she is very stubborn, so he would relent and go to the store to buy wine for her every day just to have a few minutes of peace in his life. Now with the injury, he has stuck to his guns and refuses to buy it for her, but she never stops asking for it. She's on a loop all day long about it, and calls me and my daughter multiple times a day to yell at us that we are in on this conspiracy with my dad to ruin her life.
I am learning a lot from some of the dementia groups I've joined about how to talk to my mom with this condition but nothing seems to work for this alcohol thing. I am going to try the technique you've mentioned. Thanks so much.
@@SuperNewKittie I feel terrible for you and for your situation! My neighbor had a very clever solution that worked for her when her husband, who had dementia, wanted to continue his evening drinking routine. She gave him a watered down 'version' with grape juice and water mixed together, which she served to her husband in a wine glass. She kept this concoction in a carafe so it would look like red wine. He enjoyed his glasses of wine every night. I hope that something like this might work for you. Good luck!
@@SuperNewKittie there are plenty of alcohol-free alternatives, but the answer from @nancyevans1278 is also clever
I'm so burned out that it is really hard to get creative now. I'm a retired nurse and my aunt needs to go to a long term care facility for 24 hour care. She sustained 3rd degree burns. She has been alcoholic most of her life. I termed it as finding her a new apartment to go to. She does not remember her actual house at all. Of course the deed and finances need to be put in for medicaid. She had me as POA but the revoked. So, we have to wait for court to appoint guardian/conservator. She is still at the hospital that is an hour and half away. Now her general disposition is coming out of " I can do my own affairs" and " I don't agree with these things" also asking me how much have I got accomplished, and what am I doing. I'm thinking her real mean side is getting ready to explode. I am sick from this. She isn't the only one in my family really. I think I'm having a breakdown and I can't make the system go fast enough and it's so damned complicated.
So sorry you're experiencing this! How challenging!
I know how difficult it is. I’m having a similar situation with my uncle, but I learned a lot dealing with my mom who passed away a few months ago and trying not to commit the same mistakes. I felt I was having a breakdown too when I brought her to live with me and had to place my mom in ALF where she passed away within a month. It always helps if you have someone to talk to.
Thank you. I have been doing the wrong way...showing evidence, step by step asking my loved one to think if something makes sense. Now, its a big discovery that it doesn't work at all!!!! Thank you so much for the enlightenment
Thank you, so insiteful. For the first time today she sat outside carehome saying why have you brought me here. i did it all wrong but luckily she decided to go with it and get out of car. My horror was she pushed open car door and got out without even looking for oncoming traffic , luckily nothing coming. Another Lesson learned. On the good side i have been listening to your talks and stopped confrontations and correcting with redirecting and we had a lovely afternoon.
The path of least resistance, is the most effective route
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Thank you so much, I was doing this all wrong. I kept thinking, if I just explain this very slowly and carefully, the logic, they'll finally get it, but now I see they don't get it and can't get it, and I have to focus on what am I trying to accomplish, what is the goal. And just get that done. They may not need to understand, because they probably are incapable of understanding. Thank you.
Unfortunately they will never understand or remember what u want them to so u have to be imaginative to get to your goal xxxx
Learning about anosognosia from you was one of the most enlightening moments in understanding the behavior of my mother with dementia.
Same here, great information here
My mom ALWAYS has had a lack of awareness! That is what makes this so difficult - from a borderline personality issue to dementia. The only thing has changed is her memory and her physical inabilities.
What is anisognosia
@@user-vy4ug5zr9i here is the definition: Anosognosia is a neurological condition in which the patient is unaware of their neurological deficit or psychiatric condition. It is associated with mental illness, dementia, and structural brain lesion, as is seen in right hemisphere stroke patients.
Goal cantered vs problem centered 🙃 thank you !
I am dealing with both my parents having dementia. I'm responsible for most things. I have M.S. and many other things including chronic pain. I don't know what I'm going to do as they get worse. There is no $ for care.😢
Check out Gabor Mate - neurologist who details how caregivers get autoimmune diseases from burnout. Save yourself.
Great way to approach a difficult situation. My grandma has started going to the grocery store every day and buying stuff to the point of stuffing her fridge beyond capacity. Now it is filled with out of date/moldy food. I am so overwhelmed at the prospect of cleaning up over there. I don’t want to upset her or make her think she’s not good enough but we can’t continue to let her live in such a gross environment. She watches the same movie every single day and gets up and does the same routine for the most part. Right now she’s able to live alone but I don’t think she will be able to for much longer. She has delusions that her abusive ex husband has moved in next door and she also told us she’s been getting mail from his new wife, but then told us the mail is thrown away when we ask to see it. It’s crazy how this stuff progresses. She was okay last year and now she is a completely different person.
Sounds like exactly what I’m going through with my mom and she gets so paranoid about everything
I was a CNA in the early 90’s and we were forced to use Reality Orientation. I’m so glad they’ve moved on from that, because it exacerbated their behavior. My step mother is in early stage and now you’ve helped me to understand her “denial” and “contentiousness” with my dad and give him some strategy to help. Thank you!
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Thanks so 😊
I86i⁹pi😮😊
@audraberreth7632 I used to hate being told to use RO, it's so unkind and distressing. Thank heavens they've moved on
Thank you Dr Natalie. Your video is so timely and helpful. I have adopted this strategy in the last few months as I am so sick of arguing with my mother it goes absolutely no where and is pointless for the reasons you give for both the LO and the care giver. So now I just do, with only the necessary conversation to get her to do the things she needs to do or I need her to do for her benefit. Nothing more. Things seem to be better now although not hugely better. Often I still have to bite my lip really hard, but a quiet life is the prize. Thanks again.
It’s so hard. My mom is aggressive and mean towards me and I’ve been her primary care giver. She calls me names and thinks I’m lying and out to get her. She treated me like this when I was in high school (though not quite as bad), so I’ve got some ptsd and it still feels like she’s treating me like that. I’m so sick of this already. I hate this disease.
@@SamSlugg456I so understand. My mom has betrayed me and lied to me my entire life, emotional neglect where I had to care for her needs since a very young child. I was always the responsible one. She carried on trauma behaviors from her past to me, her only child. And while I was codependent for so long and didn’t know the difference, I have learned and stepped into my own self. Still dealing with cptsd however and the pull that her dementia has on trying to draw me back into codependent behaviors and give up caring for myself. This is a truly hellish situation. I have had her power of atty, health directive, etc and we have subsidized her housing and solved her real world problems since my dad died. 30 years ago. She transferred all the responsibility for her life from dad to us. I am so raw and needing to care for myself before I can care for anyone else. I thank God that my husband does not have the history with her that I do and he does the interactions while I work behind the scenes trying to be creative for her and remain safe for myself. We are pursuing independent care for her so we can just be with her at times and not try to handle all her care. She cannot live in her own anymore.
I only wish I could have used some of these techniques with my mother. She was a very stubborn woman. Even the nurses, as nice as they were, had an extremely difficult time with her. It was heartbreaking. I am thankful now to learn this 😊
Too bad there’s not a video out there that covers my problem.
My problem is even bigger. My dad doesn’t believe he has dementia and his other kids and his friends/ business associates don’t believe he is sick. Despite medical evidence from caregivers and drs official diagnosis . So my dads other kids and friends are trying to get him out on his own because they believe he is perfectly fine. So he’s getting violent and aggressive with caregivers. Dad is now blaming my oldest sister (who he appointed power of attorney) for controlling him and taking away his independence.
Yes, sometimes they will behave extremely normal with other people and behave otherwise with us that sometimes we even think that maybe they are just acting? But it is not acting it is the sickness. Also they become extremely cunning so be aware and stay safe.
I learned after awhile arguing doesn’t help. It was hard to do, and in the beginning it felt like I was just letting her go. I tried so hard to keep her in the real world but it didn’t work. You can’t. And once I learned this fact our relationship got easier. You’re so right.
They can no longer be in our world, and we have to enter theirs. Instead of saying no, that’s not your son in the restaurant, I’d just say, he’s very handsome and go along with it. Etc.
Your channel was extremely helpful! My mom has passed away. She died from “Terminal Restlessness” which was never titled or addressed and created serious problems with hospice and I in the end stages. It was very traumatic for both of us…primarily my mom. I was told to sedate her and she would sleep for 24 hours…get dehydrated, and Season’s Day care would get upset with me not bringing her in on a “regular” schedule! They had NO u derstanding if her situation.😓🙁. Perhaps you could address “terminal Restlessness” at some point because …even the ALZ help line did not address it. I learned about it 3 months after she passed and all our trauma/drama. 😵💫🙁
I wonder if that's what my husband has who continually needs to be doing something. He gets mad w me if I don't want to go out w him every day and that is still not enough! He also doesn't want to eat. I have to fight w him about that. He's lost so much weight.
You can't force a dying body to absorb nutrients. Do not force food into someone not hungry. Their body can't assimilate it. They can't even force IV fluids when the kidneys are failing.
I needed this video, caregiving to hubby who denies he has dementia. Just the other night, he thought someone was knocking on the door, he goes downstairs in his underwear to see who is out there. Of course there was no one there.
Thank you so much for posting this video!! My dad has been living with us for the past year and a half and I’ve been doing everything you stated as a “DON”T DO THIS!!” Bummer! I didn’t consider the “horse sense” you mentioned and have seen, what I now realize is depression, shown by his withdrawing to his room for long periods of time, even skipping meals. Now I know how to change this and the correct way to talk to him. Thank you again. P.S. A simple 1-2-3 point reminder printable would be excellent as well!
This is genius. My sister is becoming demented and we are having exactly this problem.
Thank you SO much for your wonderful communications! I found you via IG when I was in the US last year and brought you home to Sydney, Australia. I wish you were here permanently too. My spouse has vascular (from a R Lacunar Infarct in 2014) and fronto-temporal (from 2 punctate strokes in 2019) dementia. I've struggled alone for 8 of the past 10 years. Thanks to you and Montessori Care, I'm managing a little better now, but am just exhausted trying to out-think the nuances of this disease. Appreciate you xo
Sending you SO MUCH LOVE!
Hi my name is Douglas my wife is Jessica I'd love to view comments throughout the last couple years on some of your things but you've had the best videos my wife she's passed away from dementia but I couldn't have done it as your caregiver without watching your videos I've been on board for probably four years now I think she had a rapid decline here at the end but because it's just been me and my wife we've had no help because I don't protect the services traumatize your victimize your neglected her with her sisters who cannot take care of her so thank you thank you for all your videos excellent stuff on everything thank you I don't know where to post this or how to get a direct email this is like the newest video I've seen so I'm not very tech savvy but thank you thank you thank you for all that you done because it helped me beyond anything else, thank you Douglas
Great video, "They will never understand their limitations". It's more important we are aware of our loved ones condition, we can take necessary measures to keep them safe. Great advice, lost Dad to Alzheimer's and it looks like mum has a dementia. I thought it was denial, but after watching this, I'm understanding what's happening.
I think you need your person to understand and accept for you. At least that's how it is in my case. All the talking and reasoning in the world can't make my mother understand that this is her home, so now I just tell her it's my home and she seems fine with that most days unless she's having a day where she doesn't remember I am her daughter. It's very tough. I sure do appreciate these videos as well as hearing about other people's problems and how they are dealing with them!
That is what I was going to say. We don’t want to admit that our mother can’t understand anymore. It makes the disease and the situation more real.
@@KAVIANSTREET Yes, you reminded me of our motto we rehearsed and put on the wall when my mom moved in. Each day is a new day, a little better than tomorrow and a little worse than yesterday. We had to do that for our own mental health - face the truth of the situation. Caregiving to dementia and Alzheimer's is not an uphill battle but a downhill one.
@@susanwhite655 I like that. That’s true.
This is great! And this ‘method’ can be used way beyond your family member with dementia. Thank You!!
Please remember the person with dementia has memory loss. She still has feelings and knows you are annoyed. If we could all just be kind to EVERYONE (including ourselves) all of us could be so much better.
My mother’s dementia angers me. I am not equipped, nor do I want to be equipped, as her care giver. Being a care giver means that I am the one who has to change and honestly, I cannot make the changes needed. I am a very Black & White person, lying is not part of who I am. I will not lie or use deception or manipulation to care for a person who refuses to be helped and only gets angry when you try. Caring for her is very stressful and causes me such anxiety that I try to stay away.
I’m a care giver to and you need to look at it with the perspective that you want to cause the least harm possible. The reason lying is seen as bad is that it causes harm 90% of the time. This is the other 10%. She needs a constant and she does not have the brain cells to understand what is going on. She is scared out of her mind losing herself.
You have no idea how helpful this was. I can be more creative without feeling I’m living or cheating on my wife, thank you
I’ve basically come to the conclusion my dad doesn’t understand his cognitive limitations, but didn’t know there was a term for it. Thank you for the strategy on how to manage it.
OMG, this is soooo helpful. Just like all your videos, but I really needed to hear this today. Thank you so very much for your generosity in sharing your knowledge with us.
Glad it was helpful!
I need a creative explanation to get my older sister to allow the aides at her facility to wash her hair. About 6 weeks ago, she said "NO" when it was time to wash her hair. The aide spoke to her supervisor and was told "We cannot for e her to get her hair washed." I live 4 hours away and when I was there about 2 weeks ago, she told me her hair had just been washed the day before I arrived! Any suggestions will be so appreciated.
My cross street neighbor lost her husband about a couple years ago. Her family let her stay in her home. This weekend, she came across the street three times to ask for help at her home with a smoke detector that was beeping. Each time, she was told to call her son, who lives close by, to change the battery because she didn't think she had a replacement. I even wrote her a note to take back with her to Remind her to call her son. I don't think this worked. She forgot each instance that she crossed the street to ask for help. She if obviously Very sad and depressed, as she said as much. She is in a very vulnerable state and I truly think she needs to be in assisted living or taken into a family home. I may ask to speak on the phone with her family and say as much. If they leave her in this vulnerable condition, are there any things, as a concerned neighbor, that I could do to get her out of that house and taken care of? It's just not right. I'm in Michigan...
Lying to a loved seemed so wrong to my wife and me. With my mother-in -law, we realized that it was morally ok to fabricate reasons (lie) to get her to go back into the home, etc. this was a huge stress for us at first, but trying to reason and explain did nothing to help the situation.
It is Sunday evening. I have been cleaning my Aunts bedroom. I told her she would not be able to get in her room for a while since the carpet needed to be steam cleaned and needed to dry. She then kept trying to go in or find reason to go in. like needing her shoes so we could go to church. We never go on Sunday evening. However she was convinced we were going. I finally had to get her shoes so she would stop trying to go into her bedroom.
The one constant in my fathers Dementia is that he feels unsafe, I try to tell him he is safe. I found that even if it takes a while it seems to be the thing that he wants to know
Could you also write him a note he'll find in the morning that talks about your love and care for him and that you'll keep him safe, so he starts the day with assurance. Or even frame and put on the wall.
If he has a Christian background, maybe printing up and hanging up Psalms that talk about God being our refuge, our fortress, our salvation.
And Psalm 91, sheltered under God's wings
Unfortunately he has Alzheimer’s and is no longer able to read or see well. It’s such a terrible disease.
@@TA-ib3dv Oh I'm so sorry you and he are going through this.
Thank you, Dr. Natali. Exactly the balm so many of us need.
Great advice!
We need them to Comply, not Understand.
This was very helpful.
So good. For a long time I thought that by helping my husband to stay part of decision making will prolong progression of dementia. It really does take a toll.
Excellent advice.
Thank You! DC
Very informative! Thanks for this video :)
Great video, really good!!! Thanks...🤩
Excellent!
Subscribed! Belly rubs for Niko was a great motivator!
Brilliant strategy.
Very well said. Thanks for sharing, ma❤❤❤
Thank-you so much for this.
This video was my light bulb moment. Eye opening! Now to act, not react. Thank you!
That you so much for the encouragement!!
Love this so much thank you for sharing!!!❤
Thank you!! so much helpful!
Great video, so helpful, many thanks
Deep thinking and sometimes I can't come up with a thing
Wow, this is a wonderful process. This will really help. Thank you ❤
This is really, really good. Thank you!
I'm so grateful for your channel - it's so helpful. Bless you.
EXCELLENT!! Thank you!
This was very well explained and informative. Thank you!
It’s very helpful watching this thanks
Bingo, good video.
Well said.. wish everyone could get this in their minds
Thank you, Natalie! Very helpful video.
This concept was so helpful. Thank you SO much for creating and sharing this information ❤️
Excellent info. Wished I had thought this way with my mom.
Thank you 🙏🏼!
This really helped alot. Great info.
This will help a lot!
So helpful, this a new arena for my loved one and our family.
Thank you so much, when I look at it that way it has made it much much better.
Such practical advice. Thanks
You have given us so many great tools.❤Thank you!
Wow. I had a friend send me the link for this video and I really needed to see this! ❤
Wow thank you so much for this teaching.🌺
Thank you dr. Natalie . I’ve been watching your videos for the past two years when my husband got diagnosed with Louis body dementia Parkinson’s. I I’m trying to understand for when he gets worst he is ok now with a few things that he sees but he still understand what’s going on .😔🙏🏼
Omg this is the most helpful teachings / advice / insight , thank you thank you
I cannot tell you how glad I found you tonight...please continue doing the amazing job you are doing...as I have been really struggling with my mum who has not been formally diagnosed but I have recognised all the signs and all the pointers suggest this is the case but I may have been in denial. I love my mum but she has been extremely challenging. Thank you thank you thank you. You take so articulately and cleverly and simply to help so many people x
Such great advice. So hard to think this way but as I practice I do think I’m making progress.
Thank you!
This is exactly where we are with our Loved one.
This video is so helpful and help so hard, aka think outside the box.
Fantastic! This can ease so much resistance and bad feelings. Thank you so much!
Best video ever, this is exactly what it’s like
Thank you, thank you, thank you!!! Just what we needed!! Perfect timing for our family. We all brainstormed ways to help our loved one who had a scary wandering away episode.