Violence -- a family tradition | Robbyn Peters Bennett | TEDxBellingham
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- Опубліковано 27 вер 2024
- Robbyn Peters Bennett, LMHC, CMHS is a psychotherapist, educator, and child advocate who specializes in the treatment of trauma-related mental health problems resulting from the effects of early childhood stress, abuse and neglect. She is the founder of StopSpanking.org, a non-profit dedicated to educating the public on the dangers of spanking. She is on the steering committee of The U.S. Alliance to End the Hitting of Children. Robbyn is currently producing a documentary, The Last Resort, about the cultural practice of spanking children.
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Last night after losing my MIND screaming at my 9 yr old for not listening for the 100th time, I found myself fighting the urge to spank the crap out of her. It made me sad. I hate yelling and losing my temper. It makes me feel bad. I was in tears googling what to do and came across a gentle parenting page that shared this video. I fell asleep watching it last night so I was it this morning. Twice. My children are 2, 4 & 9 and while I don't spank my youngest children, my 4 yr old will cringe as if he's terrified of being spanked. I cried watching this. It made me realize that there is already a real fear in him of being hit... regardless of the fact that it hasn't yet happened. I feel like I am capable of so much better and this video really hit home for me.
watched*
+Meghann Bass thank you for sharing your story. I'm happy to hear that you stopped spanking.
+Robbyn Peters Bennett get a life
It goes to show its not a gender issue and it's a family issues due to human nature through as series of learned patterned behaviour in childhood. If you did hit you son frequently, he may end up being a violent towards men and women or end up being timid and unable to think for himself like how I ended up after my mother did to me as a form of discipline by the African way.
There is a wonderful little book called "Time-in Parenting." And a longer one "Parenting for the Inside Out." Don't be down on yourself, you recognized something that many parents never recognize. Say hello to your inner bitch, she wants all the same things your little boys does...
Seldom do I comment, but I feel I have to let myself out at this time. My mother used to beat the hell out of me, pushing me, slap my face for dozens of times, hit me with whatever handy. She did this frequently from as young as I could remember till I go to college. Now she thinks it's no big deal, and I'm ungrateful. Now I'm an adult, living in another country. I want to spread my arms and hug each and every child abuse survivors. We will be ok.
I'm hope that you are fine now .
I'm so sorry that happened to you.
The Grinch be safe and leave that abusive home as soon a you can. I have been there 10 years ago, you at my age will thank your younger self for stopping the abusive and moving on. You are worthy and you can do it!
The Grinch talk to someone in an organization against domestic violence or talk to one of your former teachers or school principal. Get help. You and your sister shouldn't go through this alone. Maybe your teachers and school principal will also be able to help you get a scholarship for college. You shouldn't give up on education. Completing college and finding a good job afterwards will be the best way out of your situation. Don't give up on your dreams.
What are you being ungrateful for? An abusive childhood? Does she think its her right to transfer the physical pain of birth onto you? Just shows that abusors rarely keep it just physical
I wish more people would make the analogy that hitting your spouse is not ok, but somehow hitting a child is.
+FranklyRealty The weaker the scapegoat, the less likely they are to resist, so I only date midgets and dwarves from now on (don't tell anyone).
FranklyRealty I don't think many spouses complain about spankings
I did not spank my children, because it is not an effective method of discipline, and for all the reasons she said. Plus, although I was spanked as a child, I cannot remember a single thing that I did wrong to deserve any of those spankings. It does not work. I did, however, remember lessons I learned from more creative consequences. If I stole something, for example, I would be made to return the item and apologize to the person. That was very effective for me. We don't need to parent the same way that we were parented. I threw out what didn't work and kept what did.
But how to help Jack? When it begins at home with Jack's parents.....that is a touchy subject, that could make things worse for Jack.
EXACTLY!
Aloud, I just said, “Thank you!” This is soo true!
When someone says that they were hit as a child and they turned out okay, remind them that they turned out okay "in spite of" not "because of."
rick ciraulo also, if you're reasoning behind wanting to hit your child is that you were hit and turned out fine, clearly you didn't, considering the fact you think bringing harm to a child is okay.
This debate almost always missed half the topic. They concentrate on the punishment without considering the whole family environment. If you beat your children then it is also likely that you neglect them in other ways too. But if you smack as a correction in time and as part of a moderate and loving family setting then the smack has its desired effect without harm.
I can honestly say that I was smacked and I was corrected from going down a very dark path. I also noticed that when my mum smacked me, which was more often than my dad, it had less effect but the solitary time when my dad smacked me is reinforced in my mind even now, nearly 40 years later. I was smacked for throwing a stone at another child which resulted in a cracked skull. There were other aspects of the overall punishment, but the pain of the smack put the lesson deep in my subconscious. I remember the whole punishment, and why I got the punishment. I agree with the punishment and, as a parent, I would not have stopped my dad from doing it to me.
They say they turned out okay but they're obese due to comfort eating, they drink alcohol excessively, they're on antidepressants, they were self harmers, they endured abusive relationahips, they are/were drug users, and the list goes on.
No child who was hit by their parent turns out okay.
Most people who say they "turned out okay" have, in fact, not turned out okay.
When people say that they tend to ignore the negitive and focus on the positives! That's right; My 3 brothers and I were spanked and still got in trouble. Where-as my step sibblings were never spanked and had no run-ins with the law!
If you really think about it logically, "spanking" is such a bizarre idea. It means that in our society you can use physical violence to control a person if they're small but as soon as they're 18 that same action gets a new name "Domestic violence. Battering. Abuse." In other words it's legal as long as the victim is too young to defend themselves. It's legal as long as the victim is too young to verbalize the lasting damage it's causing inside of them, where the bruises don't show...
I still remember the unjust spankings I got as a child. Even then I knew they were unnecessary, lazy and cruel. Corporal punishment didn't teach me to be good. It just convinced me that my family didn't really care about me. I always wondered why they wouldn't just take the time to get to know me instead of just blindly attacking the minute I did something they perceived to be "wrong." If they knew me even a little they'd know it was never necessary to hit me. I was such a pushover. You could just look at me harshly and I'd learn my lesson and never do that "bad" thing again. But they didn't know that because they "didn't have time" to learn. Actually let's be honest. Plenty of times the spanking wasn't really about me at all. It was a result of their frustration. It felt good to hit me so they did it.It relieved their stress. It felt satisfying to punish. Satisfying to hit a defenseless little girl who trusted you. Believed in you. Needed you. So you did.
Same for me too. I was my family's emotional and physical punching bag, too.
"I got hit and I turned out okay" The fact that you think hitting your child is fine and good is evidence that you are not okay. An effect of abuse is thinking that abuse is normal.
Good point. Can't really take people's word for it that they're "okay," whatever that even means.
You are soooo right. I am from Colombia and had lived here my whole life. Since this is a country where poverty and poor education strikes most of the population, this problem is huge. But what saddens me most is that even people with higher education also think that spanking is not a big deal.They are proud that their mother hitted them with a "chancleta" (flipflop) because it made them good, respectable grwon ups. I have a 7 year old and not once have I hitted or humiliated him in any way, and he is such a good, respectful, empathic boy. NEVER, under any circumstance, hit or humiliate your children, they respond better to love than to violence as we all do.
Maria Fernanda Puyo Same thing here, I am from Brazil. I noticed that people who thank being hit are almost always conservatives. The type that hates minorities and the like. I don't think that is turning out ok. Being a conservative is a disease triggered by child abuse
Look into positive discipline. Its basically how to teach your children how to regulate their emotions. Like instead of having your child go into a corner for time out, you have them do something that you know will calm them down. For my kids it having me read to them. That way they can calm down a bit and more importantly YOU can calm down. Then you talk about what was making them upset. Eventually you'll notice that your children are becoming calmer and handle stress better. Of course its not a cure to make your children behave all the time. That's something we have to get over as parents, our children are not robots that we can program to act the way we want.
Exactly! It's important that children learn how to deal with their mood swings and emotions. As for making them behave...we have to discipline them, because that is part of being responsible parents, and for the few first years of their lives, they don't understand how to talk about feelings, and this is the only way to get through to them about what is right and what is wrong. But, this is critical: we need to make sure that they understand that they are good people; they just make mistakes sometimes. And kids believe what they hear, so if you tell a kid that they're a bad person, they're going to believe you, and they will behave accordingly.
Hey Robin, great advice thanks. I struggle with timeout and threatening sometimes it doesn't seem appropriate. When I think about it, story time has to be my 2.5 year old's absolute favourite (NZ spelling is correct You Tube) activity. I guess because it's focused one on one time.
Jasmine Hunter You are so welcome! Yes, story time is so important… such a dreamy time to connect with our children. Sometimes, if we let them ramble, we learn so much about what worries them or what is on their mind. Connecting first thing in the morning is so important as well, and right after school. Patty Wiplfer with Hand-in-Hand Parenting was talking to me about how our children sometimes are disconnected after school, because there is so little one-on-one time for them to stay regulated and relational - which is why sometimes we just get a "fine" from them when we ask about their day!
Physical abuse fucks with your natural healthy breathing. When you know you're about to be hit by someone, your breathing becomes shallow because deep breaths amplify body sensations. I struggle with this every day - it's very hard even at the fairly young age of 22 to undo so many years of stressed out breathing.
It's also very hard to relax the jaw - your jaw clenches when you know you're about to be hit, which also constricts breathing. Constant jaw tension creates imbalances in the neck muscles, which in turn create pain, soreness, and even more stress.
The muscles around the pelvis and the lower abdominals aid in deep breathing. By discouraging deep breathing in your child, you're discouraging them from developing those very important muscles which are responsible for sexual vitality and good posture.
There are SO many layers to this shit....bottom line is that it's evil to hit someone not out of self-defense, it's even more evil to hit someone who's much smaller than you, and it's even more evil to hit someone who's much smaller than you AND depedent on you for survival.
+HipHop Anonymous Wow, this is very insightful. I didn't know this.
I never thought about this... I wonder if my childhood is a small reason why I can't breathe appropriately for a number of activities (playing a woodwind, scuba diving, etc).
I wrote the comment 3 years ago and started swimming 6 months ago so I would recommend using that as a tool to help recover whatever abilities were stifled in you. You just have to push your limits every time you do it and not get panicked during because that will be counter-productive.
Sauna and steam rooms help a lot too.
HipHop Anonymous I relate to this
I do this everyday when my parents scold me..?
A lot of Christians use the verse about "spare the rod, spoil the child." But just before that in the Bible, the Bible says the rod is used like a rod for the sheep. Does the shepherd beat the sheep? Absolutely not! It's to guide them where they need to go. They valued the sheep because that was their wealth and their livelihood. They dare not hurt them at any extent. So the rod here for children is the rod of guidance, not violence.
Megan Garcia , thank you so much for pointing that out, you do not realise the information you just provided for me.
Megan Garcia whyyyyyyyyy, the stereotype heres a solution POINT IT OUTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THANKS FOR POINTING THAT OUT SHOWING THIS TO MY MOM THANKS
Absolutely correct. Not to mention, those particular words were never written in the bible in any version you can think of. It was a quote from a 200 page poem that nobody ever read.
I don't care what the Bible says, I just *don't want people to hit their children!*
Everything else is gobbledegook!
I was brutally beaten up as a child and wound up running away from home 11 years ago. I'm on long-term anti-depressants... I wish it never happened, because I used to be a smart kid. Straight A's. After the onset of depression, I deteriorated mentally. I don't have the time/money to get a degree. Tired all the time and often suicidal. Struggling to survive everyday.
May God help you!
some of your symptoms are what I have and I have hypothyroidism. Have you checked out if that may be your case as well?
Sorry
My dad used to hit me when I was very small. He stopped when I was around 6, but I still have vague memories and flinch when someone playfully hits me and scare very easily. He jokes about how he used to hit me all the time too. Just because they're little doesn't mean they won't know it happened of he effected.
i knew it, i feel like i was led here by divine providence, i just finished tutoring a girl whom i could tell was having difficulty regulating, she was smart but kept getting all the answers wrong because she was pushing herself over to unrealistic answers in math, i was getting stressed out by the constant feeling of being so close to the answer, only to end up with an answer that was "so far away", so i knew something was up and i came to do research. In my country Nigeria, domestic violence is normal, condoned and encouraged, but it kills the creativity of the young people, makes them conformists who just do what they are told without a thought, those who cannot adjust to the system and look for creative ways to cheat it are treated as bad eggs in a bunch, i feel called to end it and preserve their ability to think clearly but it is overwhelming task, a lot of young people are already damaged.
My brother, who was familiar with being hit, would say to my mother: "He who strikes the first blow admits he's lost the argument." (Chinese Proverb)
We don't need to outlaw spanking, we need to give parents more ideas. (If empathy or compassion are ideas.)
We need to educate parents, and help them heal their own wounds. I would be surprised to meet a person who was never spanked, yet spanked their own children.
Or stop giving him the idea of violence first so they can think something up.
why not do both?
We do not own our children
Delyla Marie Theresa Pierson-Winburn III
Exactly what I've been saying!
Yeah we do because they did not asked to be here...
@ Anita Veres: What is your point, exactly?
Ingelinn Lilleborge i think I misunderstood the comment.
Delyla Marie Theresa Pierson-Winburn III If you signed a birth certificate, the state owns them. That's why they can legally take your child away from you.
Previous to watching this and reading an article that linked this I was entirely pro spanking. And this is even taking into account that I was physically abused past that. But now a lot of things make more sense. I am genuinely impressed that My view has been changed after all these years.
same here
how is that working out so far?
Hurt people hurt people.
This is so fundamentally important and not talked about enough.
This video vividly reminds me of the hell I went through at the hands of my father. With what he put me through, I would take a spanking any day. If it wasn't bolted down, it was thrown at me, or he'd beat me with his bare hands and kick me. He even spat on me several times and used all manner of foul language at me. My blood's been boiling since I was a kid, and the fact that I'm in my mid 40's now and haven't exploded at him and caused him serious physical harm is nothing short of a miracle. I long for the day when I can cut the ties with him completely and no longer have to deal with him. To say I hate him would barely be scratching the surface. Burning in hell would be too good for him. He deserves a fate much worse.
+6672rock so sorry you went through this horrible experience. I hope you find peace. blessings
For my own experiences... there is no peace. All I have been able to do is to stay totally away. However, even though both my parents (my mother being the brutal one more so than my father) are dead, what I was conditioned to be as a child is still within me. I cannot have pets. I cannot be married. I do not want to repeat that of which they were. I choose to be alone for the sake of all others.
You are a wonderful and beautiful person. Part of you knows it's true - find that part of yourself and let it grow stronger than the past. It's in there. For the sake, of all others - find it and let it grow.
and I would add that you are uniquely positioned to help end the epidemic of hitting children. Is it possible that this is your life mission? I wish you light and love.
I found peace when I "remembered" that before coming down to earth I had agreed to what happened to me after-at least to the majority of these things.
Off course the wounds stay and need psychotheurapeutical work or some type of therapy to be healed. But there is hope
I scored a 10. In a sense, I am jack. I need to work out just to try to be calm. My emotions some times feel inescapable, and my apathy and despair overwhelming. I wish more people were aware of what spanking does, and ACT to stop it in response.
So fucking true. When I was a kid my mom would hit me when I did something wrong and I thought that was normal. So, when my younger sister did something wrong I would hit her because I was mad and I thought she deserved it. That it was normal. Now, as a teenager, I know it was wrong and I deeply regret it and do my best to stop my sister from getting hit by my mom.
that's why when I hear that crap that our days people were more respectful it was fear
I love the way she speaks. Such a gentle way of talking, and just by the way of her speech she seems so affectionate and genuine.
Is anyone else tearing up or is it just me?
ba-dum-tss me to me too
I found myself not being able to control the tears...my ace score is of a 9 and well..you get it
Nope. I get flashbacks myself everytime I read or hear stuff like this, and almost get teary. Cuz I remember what the kids did to me at school and the anger and lack of support I got at home with even more abuse.
When she talked about peach tea I cried. My mom did the same thing to us. But she didn't dress it up in pretty words like "peach tea". She said it for what it was.
Spanking has also, in some cases, caused early onset of spinal arthritis and other lumbar or sacral issues. Those are tender, forming vertebrate and spinal disks being subjected to the jolt an adult's strength can deliver to the child's backside, even if you are hitting their rear the reverberations from that jolt can still effect the spine. Those repeated jolts to those fragile, forming bones can cause minor damage. Well, minor at the time but as the body grows and those vertebrate have more strain (due to the weight that occurs as a child's body matures) those small little flaws caused by the impact of spanking can become more serious issues. Think about it, if you have back pain in the lower back that you can't figure out the cause of, were you spanked? If so, it may have been a factor in weakening your lower back and thus opening the door for those issues to show up, or at least show up earlier. What's done to forming bones and tissues, even if it seems like a small thing, can impact life later on.
Exactly, spanking can also cause damage to the vagus nerve, which connects the lower body to the upper body - obviously a very important nerve in the body for athletic activity of any kind.
I was spanked by both my mother and father. My mother liked to use a paddle and my dad would use a belt. Spanking was allowed in school all the way up to the 7th grade then it was outlawed. I have never spanked my children. I have had to physically restrain my wife from spanking our children. She was badly abuse as a child. I think it is the worst thing you can do to a child. Imagine the person who is supposed to love you and take care of you the most beating you. That is what it is. Violence. My oldest is now 22 and married and about to have a baby. I have tried to instill in both her and my son in law that spanking is not going to be tolerated by me. My youngest is 14 and has many problems related to our divorce and the bad treatment she gets from her mother.
For the people defending spanking: you say if it's not really painful and the child knows it did something wrong, then it's okay. Children act irrational at times and need to learn how to behave. Now: we, adults, often behave irrational and idiotic, especially when we're at home, because at work we have to behave. If you, a grown adult, behave irrational towards your wife or husband (we are all moody sometimes), would it be okay if they spanked you? After all, you know even better know, why you are being spanked and it doesn't hurt anyways. Most would answer, no that's not okay. Then tell me: what's the difference between our tantrums and children tantrums? Children don't always understand that they did something wrong, but we as adults do, so it would even be more appropriate to spank us than the children (by the logic that the one being spanked understands their wrong-doing). But most would disagree. Why is that? Do children have less worth than adults? Why do you think hitting children is okay when they do mistakes and when adults do it's not?
If it's not painful it wouldn't be effective, so anyone who says that is trying to lazily rationalize it.
Because in the eyes of society children do have less worth than adults, it's the same eyes seen women having less worth than men, blacks having less worth than whites, foreigners having less worth than locals, slaves having less worth than owners, gays having less worth than straights. If after all that and such a poor track record you looked and noticed they don't feel children have less than adults you ought to be utterly shocked and wonder "why did this one relationship and this one only avoid bigotry?" answer is it didn't.
I didn't grow up in a physical abusive household, & I was never spanked. Though I did grow up in an emotionally abusive household. I remember always thinking I did something wrong as a child, & asking my mom to hit me since I was "Bad". She never did, except in high school when I became depressed, that's when she started hitting me with frying pans & other objects, which of course made it worse. I still deal with issues of thinking I'm the cause of other peoples issues, even when I have nothing to do with it.
Edit: Though I was physically abused by my older sister as a child. She used to do things like stick needles in me, & punch me until I couldn't stand. She said at the time it was because she loved me, that she was only person to give me attention, but really she admitted later on it was because she hated me & wanted to be an only child.
Wow am sorry you had to go through that
A refreshing talk as this is one of the reasons why both men and women end up being victims or abusers in domestic violence. It's a generational issue rather than a gender issue.
It's both, the study touched on the male - head-of-house as a contributing problem.
Beautiful talk. It's a flawed agreement that without spanking, kids are undisciplined. Say what you mean, mean what you say. Be consistent. Don't raise your voice. My baby just turned 2 and it seemed like the tantrums ramped up on his birthday. But he's testing to see what works to get his way. I've never given in to tantrums so they are short lived. Throwing puzzle pieces just means he has to pick them up afterward. If he wants to get out of his chair at mealtime because he's finished but no one else is, he's told that everyone else is still eating and he should wait. And because he has never gotten his way with me, he listens and waits. he's always a model child in restaurants and always gets complimented. If he tries to get what he wants by fussing or grunting I ask him to tell me what he wants. Sometimes he doesn't want to, but I wait until he asks calmly and says "please". I just don't reward any bad behavior but am quick to reward good behavior. About 8 months ago, when he learned he got a reaction when he bit me, he got a 60 second time out in the play pen (that we never use). It failed the first time because there were toys in it, but the second time, a few minutes later, when it was empty, he figured it out. And hasn't bit me since. He is a joy and brings blessings every minute of every day. Maybe I'm just blessed to have a baby that is so agreeable he reminds ME when it's nap time (lol my parents drink a glass of red wine every night and when we visit, my baby ALSO announces that it's "wine time" at the right time every evening), and seems to want more than anything to please me. But I really think people think there is a problem with a lack of spanking when really, it's a problem with lack of consistency and timing.
I agree
My parents were violent, especially my drunk father, a cop. I lived in fear and was very nervous, walking on eggshells all the time, and suffering from depression. As a teenager I was suicidal. Therefore I did not spank my children. They are all grown up now and are wonderful parents themselves. It is strange, tho, that when they were in Catholic school, they were hit by teachers. My husband and I pulled them out, moved, and put them in a public school where hitting was not allowed.
❤️❤️❤️
Good for you
"My Granddaughter"
Girl you look like 25 how is that even possible
Valeria T it’s because she didn’t spank her kids when they needed to be.
Lmao
This is amazing! I'm so glad that both my husband and I listened to our guts and refuse to hit our son. Keep speaking the truth!
Spanking a kid isn't going to teach them to behave, if anything it'll just make them scared of you. The reason they stop acting up is because they're scared not because they know how to behave. It's scary if you're being hit by someone twice your size and much older than you
This is so helpful. I'm teaching in a Japanese nursery school (0-6) I knew that "bad" behaviour is caused by home life. I need all the tips for "jack". Japan is pretty bad for neglect as well. Theres hitting of kids but also parents will just leave them alone, by themselves. Screaming.
brilliant talk, thank you so much you are on the right side of history Robbyn!
Miss mandkine
म
Great talk! The speaker sharing her story of her son and spanking makes this talk really powerful.
True story:
I stole some chocolate chips from my family's pantry one time. My mother had me put my hands at the center of her queen sized bed, had me pull my pants down, and then she hit me with my father's weight lifting belt. I was 8.
It took me about 20 years to realize that it was abuse.
That is seriously screwed up on all levels. Hope you will heal.
About ten years ago I started remembering my childhood (I had blocked it out) and I was surprised to have so many memories younger than 3 where everything I did was dictated by my fear of my parents. I don't know if I ever made choices as a kid without first making sure it fit my parents' very strict idea of what is right because I was afraid of them. Frankly, I'm still afraid of them on that level. So many adults think kids will forget and it won't matter but it does so, so much!
That is one smart woman.
Im thankful for the presence of people like you, people who want to end this viscious cycle of violence that is going on in the world and rip its roots out, bc yes hitting kids at home is its root
I will share this on my blog this week. I had a 'run in' with a couple of high school acquaintances who advocated spanking. I un-friended them. This video makes me want to confront them but I know it is so ungodly difficult to make ignorant generational influenced tyrants see the light. But, I'll try, now!
That is marvelous John. If we can stay connected with people who think spanking is OK, we have a good chance of sharing our experience and offering them alternatives. People advocate it, because they just don't know any better. When you take spanking away, you have to offer them some alternative based upon relationship and connectedness. It is a huge shift to let go of the power of control and to rely on relationship and empathy. It is a much more vulnerable approach.
Robbyn Peters Bennett Thanks Robbyn. The link is papagreenbean.blogspot.com and I should have it written today sometime.
i think this talk just changed my life.
It's so refreshing to see so many people commenting to say they understand the damage hitting kids does. It gives me hope for the future! Thanks guys :)
Let him feel just how much we really love being with him.
Does anyone know which study she's talking about that shows that the amount of times a child is hit shows a direct correlation with their amount of binge drinking during their later adolescence? I'd really like to see that one.
www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4258112/
www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2656346/
Robbyn Peters Bennett thank you so much Robbyn!
My friend and their brother have been hit often by their father all their life and my friend now sneaks beer and mixes is it with Pepsi at night, they also have severe mental issues
My friend too. We could tell he was "weird" back in grade one becuse he was that "annoying" odd kind of kid who hit people and was really messy. Now he gets into fights all the time and is pretty much an extreme hoarder. His dad was pretty abusive apparently
My fiance, was never hit as a child and still fell into a drinking problem.
my grandmother and grandfather smacked me on the hand, flicked me, or put me in time out. my father would chase me around the table with a knife, and he tried to burn my hands on a stove. in my case my grandparents disciplined me, my father was abusive.
My ACE score is 6, apparently. I hate the fact that I've grown up around so much negativity... children should NEVER have to go through anything like what I grew up with... I found my third grade journal recently, and it shocked me. My little third grade self would write about my mother's drinking, my parent's divorce, my being beaten by my cousin... it was depressing.
Robbyn! Way to go! Fantastic! Love it! Sharing it all over the place. You are wonderful. Thank you!
I've been growing up under a strict gospel household full of violence imposed on us kids, especially me, and I'm scarred for life because of this inhumane practice. Over the years, I've been helping out depressed people with suicide tendencies and found that 90% had been under the vice atleast once in their life.
Parents who married late would rather look to or hear from previously married couples on how to drive their children and 90% of the said advisers don't have any formula or structured studies to really offer which often leads to a deep unspoken peril of the children who got the end of the stick.
It started around the age of seven when I got the first stick, then it grew and grew to the point where I got slapped, punched, kneed, tied, batoned and concussed till the age of fifteen when I vowed to hit back since I knew damn well something is just isn't right, no matter how much they laid the hands on my head and prayed to exorcise their supposed evils at the same time. I never hit back or anything but I wouldn't give into the dark sessions anymore being forced to sleep under the bed on cement floor, toilet, reversed hog tied, etc all in the name of supposed love written in the Bible which is intrepretted in such a farce manner, the worst radicalized passage of them all. And especially hitting teenage years and seeing friends chatting with their parents, laughing, doing fun activities together and all is just phoney to even attempt when the scars are still livid being cursed, demeaned, blamed and titled as the worst kid ever for almost a decade of growing up that I had to stay away the past 12 years trying to undo the damage since I just couldn't imagine having kids and them to ever endure even a single session of those days for the life of me. But now, it's a bit easier like for the past five years or so that I got to talk to my parents about those hard times which they wouldn't dare bring it up again for the future reunion which starts this Christmas 🎅 and believe me, we all learned and it's heaven compared to the hellacious memories of a broken and vulnerable childhood.
So, in closing, I'd suggest any of you or your love ones to never indulge in that proverbial rod of love because we're human and we are made to be able to communicate without a cattle prod, especially when the wrong doers have every intention to justify it as religion, culture or norms, since it deffo ain't. It is as bad and much worst than men beating on their wives because the sickness grows worst each incidents if nothing is done to neutralized it.
You might wanna assume it as the reason of your successes but deep down inside, it will always haunt you when you look back life to go forward happy until and unless you confront the blackened memories, accept and learn to forgive them.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year everyone and please make a change of light in this gloomy world of innuendos and God bless you all 👍
She didn't mention verbal abuse/threats and neglect (which produces the worst results). Threatening children with hell (worse than a death threat) is just as bad as physical aggression. Also, how the hell can someone be anti spanking but pro war??? Why do you think he joined the military? She also said that parents say "we did the best we could" and she agrees. Bullshit! How many parenting books did these parents read? How many hours did they spend with a good therapist to work on their issues before having children?
Bdog111 - I can understand your confusion about my position on war. I am anti-war. My point was that we admire war heroes. I do not. I believe that early maltreatment directly influenced my son's decision to be a soldier. I think your connection between the two is astute. I thought that I made this clear in the talk, however, I can understand that it was in fact unclear. I do agree about verbal abuse as well, but I had 14 minutes to talk about abolishing a parents right to assault their child. So of course, much is left unsaid.
As for people doing the best they can, I believe this to be true. It doesn't mean they aren't responsible for the damage done. The idea that when I was 18 years old on welfare and just struggling to survive, that I would pick up a parenting book is inconceivable. I was lucky to search out for a helper and was blessed to find a loving child therapist who helped me. Without him, I would have been lost.
Robbyn Peters Bennett Thank you for the clarification.
bdog111
I just think the logical first step is to establish a no hitting policy. It seems like it would make it a good atmosphere to sit down and work out the other forms of abuse that have to be dealt with.
Thank you for giving such a beautiful, important and heartfelt talk. I hope it touches parents in the way you want it to.
Reach out for help. Find ways not to be violent with your children. That only makes them violent . This is everyone's problem. Let's fix it now
A wise and heartfelt TED talk, Thank you very much for teaching others.
Violence is a primitive practice should not be used on anyone.
I want this awesome lady as my therapist.
I was never spanked. Just yelled at like no tomorrow for every single thing. It was twice as scarry as being spanked because it lasted longer and parents usually didn't want to talk to me after. But one day I asked them: "Why don't you just spank me instead of yelling? I preffer that." Then it stopped. Now I have an amazing relationship with both of them.
Thank you! I shared on my FB page Human Eclectic Learning Program, I have seen this first hand and chose a different path for my son. Spanking serves absolutely no good purpose!
I know a child who used to get spanked and she was going to kill herself because her parent beat her and hurt her emotional , instead she tried to sue them , however she just end up leave them to live with a relative and the parent aren't in jail because of the debate that spanking is a form of discipline. Now they're not allow to hit , but still hurt emotionally
Spanking isn't the root; it's a symptom of a deeper problem; a base problem that we feel like we're powerless without some sort of physical expression to highlight dominance, or just simply a last-resort to get to a message across. Spanking isn't the problem, the problem is that the spanking is necessary to begin with - if the parent is that agitated or the kid is that out of control, then it was already a problem before a single hand was raised. She makes a lot of good points here but I feel her speech is manipulative towards the single facet of the issue she's focused on rather than the actual core problem that is that parents have too little authority over their kids; a parent ought be able to rule a kid with words and example alone; and if a parent can't do that, than just "don't spank" won't help them at all, because the need for authority is still existent. Children need an authority figure, and an authority figure that resorts to violence is the hallmark of a *weak authority figure*, --- that, more than anything, is the root. So overall, I'm glad I watched this, but I'm calling bullshit on "spanking is the *root* of the issue" statement, which is a fundamental misunderstanding of what the word "root" actually means.
Samuel Wallace non violent communication touch on that !
The worst possible thing I could imagine so far in regards to this is when a punishment is delivered with no warning,cause or explanation as to why the action was wrong or intolerable. 😦
Thank you for you work, and standing up for not only our children, but all of society, because children are always learning how to be adults. Giving them the understanding and education they need to become happy healthy adults is the responsibility of all :)
Excellent Ted Talk. One that everyone should see.
I've been spanked and it's a horrible experience and it did not teach me anything it did teach me one thing to be scared of my parents
I was reminded about this Jerry Lewis interview where he feels so right about spanking his son … and my helplessness confronted with this beloved celebrity's error.
I'll search it out again now, and post a link to this speech as comment! Just to give viewers food to think.
All the little stones we can contribute will make a nice big house for all of us in the future!
I love this! I used to think spanking was normal since that's the way I grew up. Once I gave birth to my daughter it all changed...
Thank you. This is such an important message.
Being hit as a child taught me that violence was the only way to solve problems. This led me to get into fights frequently. Fights which I was punished for when I got home.
when the person you look up to the most , hits you on regular basis and you can't remember what you've done... it causes you to be the quiet kid in class, because you don't know what to say to people or how to make friends. you grow up to be a hermit who deep down inside is an extrovert. thx dad
I couldn't agree more. How do people think their children will learn to communicate their feelings when they use spanking.
My mom would make us kneel and give us each one swatch with a belt after my sister and I would very angrily get into fights. Afterwards she would tell us that we were only two sisters and had to love each other. I could tell she didn't want to hit us but she didn't know what else to do to break us up. She would hit my sister harder because she was older and would always start the fights. Was it the best way? Prob not. But afterwards we would calm down and understood that was the consequence for fighting so we took our punishment. But my mom didn't know there was another way and she still had to discipline her children.
I won't use the same methods with my children because I know better but I don't see myself as a victim and I love my mom AND my sister cuz she's the only one I got! 😂
Thank you, Robbyn.
More on adult regulation please and I had a guy say to me once," May I please help you and your child clean up that mess," was WAY more effective than if he said "Stop!" Thanks for the message. We are all trying.
Yes, that is a compassionate response and is how I would want to be treated. As for adult regulation - so important! Yes, we need a TED Talk about that!
perhaps you will find some of the resources on this channel worthwhile
Not sure if someone pointed it out or not, but question 7 only asks if your mother was hit. What about your mother hitting your father yet him doing nothing to defend himself because it’s taboo in our society. There isn’t justice for men it should be mom/dad question.
I would go on a full length about my experience, but one thing good came out of being born into a family that only knows violence as the response and answer to everything: they are the very thing that drives me to be a loving parent to my future children. Getting shouted slurs at and beaten (most of the time for baseless reasons) does sucks, but i take them as a lesson.
The sad thing is how blind my family is to our toxic and violent setting. I flinch when someone raises their hand near me (even if slightly), and my sister always makes fun of it.
Thanks to them I develop a lot of traumas (they keep forgetting I exist whenever we go to the malls so naturally I develop fear of abandoment, and we're to sleep outside in the pitch dark whenever we did something wrong) and phobias (fear of abandonment, tight space, etc), but I'll push through. It's what I do. If I'm not the type to persevere, I wouldn't be here today.
It's not surprising that my goal is to move out of this country and basically never contact them. I still love my mum though, so I'm not sure.
Where can one find help if one is suffering from anger outbursts when the child (3 year old) misbehaves and resorts to physical punishment (which one later regrets). And would you say help is needed even if the same parent cares for the child very much, feeds him the healthiest meal, buys him everything under the sun the little heart desires, cosleepes with him etc. or in other words, being an overly loving parent.
How can the behavior association of getting angry and hitting be changed?
There is a great book called "Love and Anger: The Parental Dilemma" that talks about this. The book offers helpful tips for how a parent can manage his or her anger when kids are acting out. I hope this helps!
You need to resolve your issues before they get out of hand. I would visit the doctor and ask them to point me in the right direction so I can get help
There are a ton of resources for people transitioning to nonviolent parenting techniques. You could start with facebook.com/handinhandparenting?fref=ts, I think it's a great resource. Also facebook.com/ParentingBeyondPunishment?fref=nf
If I showed this to my parents they would just ignore it most likely
Very good. Worth listening to several times. Quite substantial guidance.
thank you so much oh my god
Lets just say I had the best parents in the world :) My score stays zero!
sankalp kulkarni I am glad children without ACE exist. But please remember that some (and just some) of the ACE listed are not under the parents' control: you can hardly erase a mental illness such as depression.
So I am happy you had a fine childhood under the guidance of good parents, but there was still some luck in that your parents did not have to suffer from a mental illness.
Your voice is so calming and nice
This seems to be saying violence is only violent if its physical. So how do we discipline kids? Yell at them? Isn't that verbal violence? Ever parent yells at some point.
Well, the main topic was physical abuse. Every TED talker has a time limit as well. I imagine she would've covered emotional too.
I got hit as a child but rarely to discipline very bad behaviour, Most of the times it’s to get back at me, like one time I said to my grand mother “Stop giving me unnecessary grief” when she yelled at me over something petty like ask if a friend can call back in 10 minutes because I’m busy doing my homework.
I got hit and when my grandmother went downstairs she bragged to another guest how she put me in place. Ppl knew I get hit but CPS was never called.
I avoid doing the simplest things like open the door and have a stroll, or set boundaries to avoid triggering anyone.
I get hit by my mother when she’s in a bad mood, I get hit by my grand mother whenever I say something in a tone she doesn’t like.
The worst part is I could never hit back, there were times where I wanted to take a swing back at my mother or grand mother but I know I would make things worse and the family will be gathered and I will be hit by uncles.
The favourites are never hit even if they robbed a store or inappropriately touched me but I only have to say something in the wrong tone to set them off.
As a result I just simply hate humans with every fiber of my being.
Everything you feel makes so much sense to me. Please do reach out to a professional counselor for support and care. I'm so sorry for the abusive treatment you are enduring.
Didn't want to go on a feels trip today :(
I'm so thankful that I was never hit as a kid.
Awesome speech
In this country people wil die today from physical violence from their parents.
I believe it was the cause of the drain bramage, which permanently harmed mt life. My family & godparents abused me. Nurturing in a loving way wasn't what I experienced.
I can't lay on my back without taking pains all over my lower spine, when my parents spank me it hurts my knees a lot with each hit, I've told them but they continue anyway, I can't run anymore cause my knee trouble and have had lot's of trouble walking too and had to find ways to increase the distance I can go before my knees start hurting, My lower back has so many problems, I have trouble even describing some of them. My buttocks is constantly in pain some days in addition to random shots of sharp intense pain occurring at random, which has made me a nervous mess.
I love this woman. I just did my own video on spanking on this subject.
I was hit with an 20 inch long paddle carved out of a 1/3 board for about 11 years.
I'm sorry that you suffered that abuse. I was also hit regularly and I am still carrying mental scars because of it. I am easily angered and slow to cool down. I have suffered adult depression and contemplated suicide as a teenager. I feel that mediation, yoga and running have saved my life. They compensate for my inability to self-regulate naturally.
Thanks for the comment Mark. I'm glad you have gotten better.
:(
Mark Bennett : so great that you have made progress dear sir! Hugs!
Pressure build to gramme count down!
I was abused as a child bc in my community hitting is a way to rise children I’m ok now but i have problems with showing emotions and I’m kinda dead to be honest I don’t feel that I have any kind of emotional connection with my family I talk with them i eat with but they are just a bunch of people who I live with I don’t care if they died my mom stopped hitting me but she still says mean thing like how I’m selfish and cold or a rock bc I always have a poker face i also don’t like relationship I mean i want to but I don’t now how to show emotions also the idea of having a partner that is so close to me makes me feel uncomfortable and that’s why I’ve never been in a relationship lately I realize that i have a lack of empathy and I’m scared of myself it’s like there’s nothing in my heart I tried to be nice with my sister and show her love and care but I’m always so emotionless I don’t want to be like this I want to change but I can’t it’s like I’m broken
You are not broken. You have been traumatized. What you are describing is your nervous system going into a state of defense in order to protect yourself. That is a highly adaptive response for the environment you grew up in. That "kinda dead" sensation is called dissociation. You can heal your nervous system by working with a psychotherapist who understands the effects of early stress and has studied interpersonal neurobiology or somatic therapy and who understands trauma. You have to learn how to feel safe, and you can do that by being vulnerable and expressing emotions with someone who listens empathically to you.
took online test offered, I scored an 8 . not surprised to score high.
I might score a 9... wow
I consider myself quite intelligent, but cant seem to get a hold in life...This might be why ?
i know, most of the bad thing i experienced were sporadic, not regular. but still, thats a bad score :/
What if you say stop to the wrong person?
I wasn’t spanked. I was just hit repeatedly. And I’m supposed to forgive my father because he had a tough childhood. I’m still scared till this day. I’m only twelve.
and what if the person regardless of age, is mentally sick and actually hits for the sake of it?
and what if jack would be the one that has to remain calm for others ?
Just think of how many states still allow corporal punishment in public schools.
I think the answer to your question is this: by changing your behavior, you mitigated a great deal of the damage you did. People aren't perfect, and nobody can expect you to never damage anyone or anything. My mother hit me, not spanking but slapping. She hit me, as she later explained, because she was at her wits end. She didn't know what to do. The same as you with your son, Mrs. Bennett. But then I was diagnosed with a learning disorder, and my mother realized that the reason for my behavior was that I misunderstood her. The difficulty with children is that they often cannot explain to us what the problem is: they lack the words or the ability to understand. An adult sometimes has to figure out the problem on their own. When my mother realized that not only was the slapping not helping, but that I didn't understand why she was angry in the first place: then she stopped hitting me. She changed, and I responded to the change without even realizing I was doing it. Years later, the issue came up in an argument between us: and she explained what had happened. More mature, I was able to forgive her and we have a close relationship today. When someone acts out of ignorance, the appropriate thing to do is to forgive them even if that is hard.
Of course I am going to argue against the "we need to make it illegal" thing. No, we just need to stop doing it. Making something illegal doesn't stop people from doing it: and people really don't like it when the government tells people how to live their lives. Religious institutions and cultural institutions (such as the media) need to stop promoting it. Culture changes all the time, and even the oldest traditions can die out. This one is already well on it's way: it is not generally considered totally proper to spank children anymore, although the mindset of punishment is still there. But even that is changing somewhat.