Seldom do I comment, but I feel I have to let myself out at this time. My mother used to beat the hell out of me, pushing me, slap my face for dozens of times, hit me with whatever handy. She did this frequently from as young as I could remember till I go to college. Now she thinks it's no big deal, and I'm ungrateful. Now I'm an adult, living in another country. I want to spread my arms and hug each and every child abuse survivors. We will be ok.
The Grinch be safe and leave that abusive home as soon a you can. I have been there 10 years ago, you at my age will thank your younger self for stopping the abusive and moving on. You are worthy and you can do it!
The Grinch talk to someone in an organization against domestic violence or talk to one of your former teachers or school principal. Get help. You and your sister shouldn't go through this alone. Maybe your teachers and school principal will also be able to help you get a scholarship for college. You shouldn't give up on education. Completing college and finding a good job afterwards will be the best way out of your situation. Don't give up on your dreams.
What are you being ungrateful for? An abusive childhood? Does she think its her right to transfer the physical pain of birth onto you? Just shows that abusors rarely keep it just physical
Last night after losing my MIND screaming at my 9 yr old for not listening for the 100th time, I found myself fighting the urge to spank the crap out of her. It made me sad. I hate yelling and losing my temper. It makes me feel bad. I was in tears googling what to do and came across a gentle parenting page that shared this video. I fell asleep watching it last night so I was it this morning. Twice. My children are 2, 4 & 9 and while I don't spank my youngest children, my 4 yr old will cringe as if he's terrified of being spanked. I cried watching this. It made me realize that there is already a real fear in him of being hit... regardless of the fact that it hasn't yet happened. I feel like I am capable of so much better and this video really hit home for me.
It goes to show its not a gender issue and it's a family issues due to human nature through as series of learned patterned behaviour in childhood. If you did hit you son frequently, he may end up being a violent towards men and women or end up being timid and unable to think for himself like how I ended up after my mother did to me as a form of discipline by the African way.
There is a wonderful little book called "Time-in Parenting." And a longer one "Parenting for the Inside Out." Don't be down on yourself, you recognized something that many parents never recognize. Say hello to your inner bitch, she wants all the same things your little boys does...
A lot of Christians use the verse about "spare the rod, spoil the child." But just before that in the Bible, the Bible says the rod is used like a rod for the sheep. Does the shepherd beat the sheep? Absolutely not! It's to guide them where they need to go. They valued the sheep because that was their wealth and their livelihood. They dare not hurt them at any extent. So the rod here for children is the rod of guidance, not violence.
Absolutely correct. Not to mention, those particular words were never written in the bible in any version you can think of. It was a quote from a 200 page poem that nobody ever read.
if your child is old enough to understand reason, then be calm and use reason. if your child is too young to understand reason, then they won't understand why you are hitting them.
It's not the point that 3 year old understands not to do thing that get him hit (i'm talking about big, not just spilling the glass, but big things), but to make him/her not do that thing. Understanding will come sooner or later. Also understanding doesn't mean preventing.
@@adqueen2548 What big things? You know, a child is your responsibility. Ex, if they don't understand not to run away into a street, then it is your fckng responsibility to keep them close to you. The same goes with other "big things". If you don't have time for that, then don't have children...
I did not spank my children, because it is not an effective method of discipline, and for all the reasons she said. Plus, although I was spanked as a child, I cannot remember a single thing that I did wrong to deserve any of those spankings. It does not work. I did, however, remember lessons I learned from more creative consequences. If I stole something, for example, I would be made to return the item and apologize to the person. That was very effective for me. We don't need to parent the same way that we were parented. I threw out what didn't work and kept what did. But how to help Jack? When it begins at home with Jack's parents.....that is a touchy subject, that could make things worse for Jack.
rick ciraulo also, if you're reasoning behind wanting to hit your child is that you were hit and turned out fine, clearly you didn't, considering the fact you think bringing harm to a child is okay.
This debate almost always missed half the topic. They concentrate on the punishment without considering the whole family environment. If you beat your children then it is also likely that you neglect them in other ways too. But if you smack as a correction in time and as part of a moderate and loving family setting then the smack has its desired effect without harm. I can honestly say that I was smacked and I was corrected from going down a very dark path. I also noticed that when my mum smacked me, which was more often than my dad, it had less effect but the solitary time when my dad smacked me is reinforced in my mind even now, nearly 40 years later. I was smacked for throwing a stone at another child which resulted in a cracked skull. There were other aspects of the overall punishment, but the pain of the smack put the lesson deep in my subconscious. I remember the whole punishment, and why I got the punishment. I agree with the punishment and, as a parent, I would not have stopped my dad from doing it to me.
They say they turned out okay but they're obese due to comfort eating, they drink alcohol excessively, they're on antidepressants, they were self harmers, they endured abusive relationahips, they are/were drug users, and the list goes on. No child who was hit by their parent turns out okay.
When people say that they tend to ignore the negitive and focus on the positives! That's right; My 3 brothers and I were spanked and still got in trouble. Where-as my step sibblings were never spanked and had no run-ins with the law!
We need more (TED) talks on these topics. Childhood experiences forms us how we are later in life. I scored 7. Thats why i decided not to have kids. Life is hard enough. Don't want to make the same mistakes.
I have anger and anxiety issues, and anti-social tendencies which I am sure root from beatings I received in early childhood, though it's not as severe as yours. I love children and would love to have a family but I am so afraid of hurting them and repeating what happened with me. So I am just not gonna have children as well.
But this is not what the pharmaceutical industry wants to hear. (What will happen to them, if people realize that psychological problems are in fact the consequence of bad parenting for lots of generations?) And most of abusive parents dont want to hear it as well , especially those who are in denial about their own childhood experiences. Its dangerous stuff for them, although the only one, which can heal the world. To feel your pain and NOT give it to the next generation.
"I got hit and I turned out okay" The fact that you think hitting your child is fine and good is evidence that you are not okay. An effect of abuse is thinking that abuse is normal.
If you really think about it logically, "spanking" is such a bizarre idea. It means that in our society you can use physical violence to control a person if they're small but as soon as they're 18 that same action gets a new name "Domestic violence. Battering. Abuse." In other words it's legal as long as the victim is too young to defend themselves. It's legal as long as the victim is too young to verbalize the lasting damage it's causing inside of them, where the bruises don't show... I still remember the unjust spankings I got as a child. Even then I knew they were unnecessary, lazy and cruel. Corporal punishment didn't teach me to be good. It just convinced me that my family didn't really care about me. I always wondered why they wouldn't just take the time to get to know me instead of just blindly attacking the minute I did something they perceived to be "wrong." If they knew me even a little they'd know it was never necessary to hit me. I was such a pushover. You could just look at me harshly and I'd learn my lesson and never do that "bad" thing again. But they didn't know that because they "didn't have time" to learn. Actually let's be honest. Plenty of times the spanking wasn't really about me at all. It was a result of their frustration. It felt good to hit me so they did it.It relieved their stress. It felt satisfying to punish. Satisfying to hit a defenseless little girl who trusted you. Believed in you. Needed you. So you did.
You are soooo right. I am from Colombia and had lived here my whole life. Since this is a country where poverty and poor education strikes most of the population, this problem is huge. But what saddens me most is that even people with higher education also think that spanking is not a big deal.They are proud that their mother hitted them with a "chancleta" (flipflop) because it made them good, respectable grwon ups. I have a 7 year old and not once have I hitted or humiliated him in any way, and he is such a good, respectful, empathic boy. NEVER, under any circumstance, hit or humiliate your children, they respond better to love than to violence as we all do.
Maria Fernanda Puyo Same thing here, I am from Brazil. I noticed that people who thank being hit are almost always conservatives. The type that hates minorities and the like. I don't think that is turning out ok. Being a conservative is a disease triggered by child abuse
My ACE score is 8 There was a hole in the wall the shape of my sister, but it was ok because she was "a problem child". My dad had a blunt (I can't spell this,but it's one of those pointy things nights stabbed people with) hanging on the wall, we tryed to go as long as wee could before he took it down to hit us with it. My step dad hit us with his belt when we were talking after bed time. He once pushed my head into a bowl of cereal Becuse I wasn't paying attention to him. My mum left big red handprints on our backs and bottoms. I was always afraid. My "problem child" sister, grew up to be abusive, throwing things, hitting me, anything she could do to get her way, to be in control. At least 2 of my sisters have wanted to kill themselfs at one point in their lives, not including me. To this day I flinch when someone raises their hand, when something moves unexpectedly. Every little noise makes me jump. When someone yells, I curl up into a ball, hands over my ears, eyes shut, just waiting. Because I was taught that when people start yelling, someone is going to get hurt. Now, tell me that's ok. tell me that's just tough love. tell me it was supposed to make me stronger. Tell me that I'm the problem.
I regret that this abuse happened to you and your siblings. It wasn't right and you have been traumatized by it. This is why I am an advocate for children and I am an advocate for people to avoid violence.
Look into positive discipline. Its basically how to teach your children how to regulate their emotions. Like instead of having your child go into a corner for time out, you have them do something that you know will calm them down. For my kids it having me read to them. That way they can calm down a bit and more importantly YOU can calm down. Then you talk about what was making them upset. Eventually you'll notice that your children are becoming calmer and handle stress better. Of course its not a cure to make your children behave all the time. That's something we have to get over as parents, our children are not robots that we can program to act the way we want.
Exactly! It's important that children learn how to deal with their mood swings and emotions. As for making them behave...we have to discipline them, because that is part of being responsible parents, and for the few first years of their lives, they don't understand how to talk about feelings, and this is the only way to get through to them about what is right and what is wrong. But, this is critical: we need to make sure that they understand that they are good people; they just make mistakes sometimes. And kids believe what they hear, so if you tell a kid that they're a bad person, they're going to believe you, and they will behave accordingly.
Hey Robin, great advice thanks. I struggle with timeout and threatening sometimes it doesn't seem appropriate. When I think about it, story time has to be my 2.5 year old's absolute favourite (NZ spelling is correct You Tube) activity. I guess because it's focused one on one time.
Jasmine Hunter You are so welcome! Yes, story time is so important… such a dreamy time to connect with our children. Sometimes, if we let them ramble, we learn so much about what worries them or what is on their mind. Connecting first thing in the morning is so important as well, and right after school. Patty Wiplfer with Hand-in-Hand Parenting was talking to me about how our children sometimes are disconnected after school, because there is so little one-on-one time for them to stay regulated and relational - which is why sometimes we just get a "fine" from them when we ask about their day!
I'm 19 and I can't leave my house. I sleep with furniture pushed against my door. I'm ashamed of needing to eat, I'm scared of looking feminine even though I identify as being female, I have panic attacks around men. I'm at university and I'm barely passing because I can't concentrate for long on anything before I dissociate or start hearing my father's voice in my head. I feel as though I've escaped the prison of being a helpless child, only to become trapped in an elaborately predestined labyrinth of fear. Don't beat your children. Love them, or ruin their lives.
Oreo, You seem to be suffering so much. I hope you will consider reaching out to a counselor that specializes in trauma to help you with the panic. Universities usually have a counseling department with people who will be kind to you and can offer help.
It’s going to be ok. I’ve been in your shoes and sounds like you have complex ptsd. Keep learning find a counselor if you can. Escape but find a safe space first.
I agree with jayT martin. In a few weeks I will have up a YT video about my healing from PTSD from childhood abuse. I found God could do what another person couldn't do, because of today's moral ambiguity. God is love and he was constantly present and loving throughout the healing that he guided me through. It's a shame that most people see God as malevolent, cause they miss out on what their life could be, people shouldn't trust the opinions of others in regards to what God is truly like. When Robbyn says ... what we need to do for Jack is get down on the floor with Jack and touch him and just be present and engage with what Jack is doing.... that's fine, but how many children ever find that person who will do that for them, when people are too busy and stressed to do that for their own kids? But God will do that, and he can do it in a way that no one else can, because he is always there whenever you need him.
My dad used to hit me when I was very small. He stopped when I was around 6, but I still have vague memories and flinch when someone playfully hits me and scare very easily. He jokes about how he used to hit me all the time too. Just because they're little doesn't mean they won't know it happened of he effected.
I was brutally beaten up as a child and wound up running away from home 11 years ago. I'm on long-term anti-depressants... I wish it never happened, because I used to be a smart kid. Straight A's. After the onset of depression, I deteriorated mentally. I don't have the time/money to get a degree. Tired all the time and often suicidal. Struggling to survive everyday.
Physical abuse fucks with your natural healthy breathing. When you know you're about to be hit by someone, your breathing becomes shallow because deep breaths amplify body sensations. I struggle with this every day - it's very hard even at the fairly young age of 22 to undo so many years of stressed out breathing. It's also very hard to relax the jaw - your jaw clenches when you know you're about to be hit, which also constricts breathing. Constant jaw tension creates imbalances in the neck muscles, which in turn create pain, soreness, and even more stress. The muscles around the pelvis and the lower abdominals aid in deep breathing. By discouraging deep breathing in your child, you're discouraging them from developing those very important muscles which are responsible for sexual vitality and good posture. There are SO many layers to this shit....bottom line is that it's evil to hit someone not out of self-defense, it's even more evil to hit someone who's much smaller than you, and it's even more evil to hit someone who's much smaller than you AND depedent on you for survival.
I never thought about this... I wonder if my childhood is a small reason why I can't breathe appropriately for a number of activities (playing a woodwind, scuba diving, etc).
I wrote the comment 3 years ago and started swimming 6 months ago so I would recommend using that as a tool to help recover whatever abilities were stifled in you. You just have to push your limits every time you do it and not get panicked during because that will be counter-productive. Sauna and steam rooms help a lot too.
My brother, who was familiar with being hit, would say to my mother: "He who strikes the first blow admits he's lost the argument." (Chinese Proverb) We don't need to outlaw spanking, we need to give parents more ideas. (If empathy or compassion are ideas.)
We need to educate parents, and help them heal their own wounds. I would be surprised to meet a person who was never spanked, yet spanked their own children.
Delyla Marie Theresa Pierson-Winburn III If you signed a birth certificate, the state owns them. That's why they can legally take your child away from you.
i knew it, i feel like i was led here by divine providence, i just finished tutoring a girl whom i could tell was having difficulty regulating, she was smart but kept getting all the answers wrong because she was pushing herself over to unrealistic answers in math, i was getting stressed out by the constant feeling of being so close to the answer, only to end up with an answer that was "so far away", so i knew something was up and i came to do research. In my country Nigeria, domestic violence is normal, condoned and encouraged, but it kills the creativity of the young people, makes them conformists who just do what they are told without a thought, those who cannot adjust to the system and look for creative ways to cheat it are treated as bad eggs in a bunch, i feel called to end it and preserve their ability to think clearly but it is overwhelming task, a lot of young people are already damaged.
Robbyn you are awesome! Finally someone who pointed out the elephant in the room! I think the study on the correlation between brain damage and physical disipline from 0 to 3 years old is the most important one. *"once I was inside of his world , I never hit him again"*
Previous to watching this and reading an article that linked this I was entirely pro spanking. And this is even taking into account that I was physically abused past that. But now a lot of things make more sense. I am genuinely impressed that My view has been changed after all these years.
For the people defending spanking: you say if it's not really painful and the child knows it did something wrong, then it's okay. Children act irrational at times and need to learn how to behave. Now: we, adults, often behave irrational and idiotic, especially when we're at home, because at work we have to behave. If you, a grown adult, behave irrational towards your wife or husband (we are all moody sometimes), would it be okay if they spanked you? After all, you know even better know, why you are being spanked and it doesn't hurt anyways. Most would answer, no that's not okay. Then tell me: what's the difference between our tantrums and children tantrums? Children don't always understand that they did something wrong, but we as adults do, so it would even be more appropriate to spank us than the children (by the logic that the one being spanked understands their wrong-doing). But most would disagree. Why is that? Do children have less worth than adults? Why do you think hitting children is okay when they do mistakes and when adults do it's not?
Because in the eyes of society children do have less worth than adults, it's the same eyes seen women having less worth than men, blacks having less worth than whites, foreigners having less worth than locals, slaves having less worth than owners, gays having less worth than straights. If after all that and such a poor track record you looked and noticed they don't feel children have less than adults you ought to be utterly shocked and wonder "why did this one relationship and this one only avoid bigotry?" answer is it didn't.
My father spanked me twice when I was young. But he also gave my stepmother permission to slap me across the face for "being fresh." She slapped me multiple times until I was probably 15 or 16. Her parents smacked her when she was growing up. Her mother even said to her "you're not too old for me to whup you" when she was FORTY. I can't speak for mom's issues but I've suffered from major depressive disorder and severe anxiety for most of my life. The science is sound, why do people think it's still okay to hit their kids?
This video vividly reminds me of the hell I went through at the hands of my father. With what he put me through, I would take a spanking any day. If it wasn't bolted down, it was thrown at me, or he'd beat me with his bare hands and kick me. He even spat on me several times and used all manner of foul language at me. My blood's been boiling since I was a kid, and the fact that I'm in my mid 40's now and haven't exploded at him and caused him serious physical harm is nothing short of a miracle. I long for the day when I can cut the ties with him completely and no longer have to deal with him. To say I hate him would barely be scratching the surface. Burning in hell would be too good for him. He deserves a fate much worse.
For my own experiences... there is no peace. All I have been able to do is to stay totally away. However, even though both my parents (my mother being the brutal one more so than my father) are dead, what I was conditioned to be as a child is still within me. I cannot have pets. I cannot be married. I do not want to repeat that of which they were. I choose to be alone for the sake of all others.
You are a wonderful and beautiful person. Part of you knows it's true - find that part of yourself and let it grow stronger than the past. It's in there. For the sake, of all others - find it and let it grow.
and I would add that you are uniquely positioned to help end the epidemic of hitting children. Is it possible that this is your life mission? I wish you light and love.
I found peace when I "remembered" that before coming down to earth I had agreed to what happened to me after-at least to the majority of these things. Off course the wounds stay and need psychotheurapeutical work or some type of therapy to be healed. But there is hope
I scored a 10. In a sense, I am jack. I need to work out just to try to be calm. My emotions some times feel inescapable, and my apathy and despair overwhelming. I wish more people were aware of what spanking does, and ACT to stop it in response.
Nope. I get flashbacks myself everytime I read or hear stuff like this, and almost get teary. Cuz I remember what the kids did to me at school and the anger and lack of support I got at home with even more abuse.
When she talked about peach tea I cried. My mom did the same thing to us. But she didn't dress it up in pretty words like "peach tea". She said it for what it was.
So fucking true. When I was a kid my mom would hit me when I did something wrong and I thought that was normal. So, when my younger sister did something wrong I would hit her because I was mad and I thought she deserved it. That it was normal. Now, as a teenager, I know it was wrong and I deeply regret it and do my best to stop my sister from getting hit by my mom.
Not only PTSD is found in children, but it can also cause OCD as well, how I know that because the worst way is to also understand that OCD from bad parental patterns is from parental anger and that we also remember the importance of why parents need to learn to get along with the spouses to show the children the importance of getting along with others. It all starts from home is why criminals are criminals because 90% are from home.
I was spanked by both my mother and father. My mother liked to use a paddle and my dad would use a belt. Spanking was allowed in school all the way up to the 7th grade then it was outlawed. I have never spanked my children. I have had to physically restrain my wife from spanking our children. She was badly abuse as a child. I think it is the worst thing you can do to a child. Imagine the person who is supposed to love you and take care of you the most beating you. That is what it is. Violence. My oldest is now 22 and married and about to have a baby. I have tried to instill in both her and my son in law that spanking is not going to be tolerated by me. My youngest is 14 and has many problems related to our divorce and the bad treatment she gets from her mother.
I didn't grow up in a physical abusive household, & I was never spanked. Though I did grow up in an emotionally abusive household. I remember always thinking I did something wrong as a child, & asking my mom to hit me since I was "Bad". She never did, except in high school when I became depressed, that's when she started hitting me with frying pans & other objects, which of course made it worse. I still deal with issues of thinking I'm the cause of other peoples issues, even when I have nothing to do with it. Edit: Though I was physically abused by my older sister as a child. She used to do things like stick needles in me, & punch me until I couldn't stand. She said at the time it was because she loved me, that she was only person to give me attention, but really she admitted later on it was because she hated me & wanted to be an only child.
Spanking has also, in some cases, caused early onset of spinal arthritis and other lumbar or sacral issues. Those are tender, forming vertebrate and spinal disks being subjected to the jolt an adult's strength can deliver to the child's backside, even if you are hitting their rear the reverberations from that jolt can still effect the spine. Those repeated jolts to those fragile, forming bones can cause minor damage. Well, minor at the time but as the body grows and those vertebrate have more strain (due to the weight that occurs as a child's body matures) those small little flaws caused by the impact of spanking can become more serious issues. Think about it, if you have back pain in the lower back that you can't figure out the cause of, were you spanked? If so, it may have been a factor in weakening your lower back and thus opening the door for those issues to show up, or at least show up earlier. What's done to forming bones and tissues, even if it seems like a small thing, can impact life later on.
Exactly, spanking can also cause damage to the vagus nerve, which connects the lower body to the upper body - obviously a very important nerve in the body for athletic activity of any kind.
Beautiful talk. It's a flawed agreement that without spanking, kids are undisciplined. Say what you mean, mean what you say. Be consistent. Don't raise your voice. My baby just turned 2 and it seemed like the tantrums ramped up on his birthday. But he's testing to see what works to get his way. I've never given in to tantrums so they are short lived. Throwing puzzle pieces just means he has to pick them up afterward. If he wants to get out of his chair at mealtime because he's finished but no one else is, he's told that everyone else is still eating and he should wait. And because he has never gotten his way with me, he listens and waits. he's always a model child in restaurants and always gets complimented. If he tries to get what he wants by fussing or grunting I ask him to tell me what he wants. Sometimes he doesn't want to, but I wait until he asks calmly and says "please". I just don't reward any bad behavior but am quick to reward good behavior. About 8 months ago, when he learned he got a reaction when he bit me, he got a 60 second time out in the play pen (that we never use). It failed the first time because there were toys in it, but the second time, a few minutes later, when it was empty, he figured it out. And hasn't bit me since. He is a joy and brings blessings every minute of every day. Maybe I'm just blessed to have a baby that is so agreeable he reminds ME when it's nap time (lol my parents drink a glass of red wine every night and when we visit, my baby ALSO announces that it's "wine time" at the right time every evening), and seems to want more than anything to please me. But I really think people think there is a problem with a lack of spanking when really, it's a problem with lack of consistency and timing.
My parents were violent, especially my drunk father, a cop. I lived in fear and was very nervous, walking on eggshells all the time, and suffering from depression. As a teenager I was suicidal. Therefore I did not spank my children. They are all grown up now and are wonderful parents themselves. It is strange, tho, that when they were in Catholic school, they were hit by teachers. My husband and I pulled them out, moved, and put them in a public school where hitting was not allowed.
If you're a parent, then you basically just have one real main task in life and that's to ensure the safety of your children. You can't hit your child and expect to be considered a good parent. A good parent won't ever attempt to damage a child's psyche by making it feel unsafe through subjecting it to violence. It's time people realized all violence is barbaric.
It's so refreshing to see so many people commenting to say they understand the damage hitting kids does. It gives me hope for the future! Thanks guys :)
Im thankful for the presence of people like you, people who want to end this viscious cycle of violence that is going on in the world and rip its roots out, bc yes hitting kids at home is its root
A refreshing talk as this is one of the reasons why both men and women end up being victims or abusers in domestic violence. It's a generational issue rather than a gender issue.
Spanking a kid isn't going to teach them to behave, if anything it'll just make them scared of you. The reason they stop acting up is because they're scared not because they know how to behave. It's scary if you're being hit by someone twice your size and much older than you
This is so helpful. I'm teaching in a Japanese nursery school (0-6) I knew that "bad" behaviour is caused by home life. I need all the tips for "jack". Japan is pretty bad for neglect as well. Theres hitting of kids but also parents will just leave them alone, by themselves. Screaming.
True story: I stole some chocolate chips from my family's pantry one time. My mother had me put my hands at the center of her queen sized bed, had me pull my pants down, and then she hit me with my father's weight lifting belt. I was 8. It took me about 20 years to realize that it was abuse.
About ten years ago I started remembering my childhood (I had blocked it out) and I was surprised to have so many memories younger than 3 where everything I did was dictated by my fear of my parents. I don't know if I ever made choices as a kid without first making sure it fit my parents' very strict idea of what is right because I was afraid of them. Frankly, I'm still afraid of them on that level. So many adults think kids will forget and it won't matter but it does so, so much!
my grandmother and grandfather smacked me on the hand, flicked me, or put me in time out. my father would chase me around the table with a knife, and he tried to burn my hands on a stove. in my case my grandparents disciplined me, my father was abusive.
I will share this on my blog this week. I had a 'run in' with a couple of high school acquaintances who advocated spanking. I un-friended them. This video makes me want to confront them but I know it is so ungodly difficult to make ignorant generational influenced tyrants see the light. But, I'll try, now!
That is marvelous John. If we can stay connected with people who think spanking is OK, we have a good chance of sharing our experience and offering them alternatives. People advocate it, because they just don't know any better. When you take spanking away, you have to offer them some alternative based upon relationship and connectedness. It is a huge shift to let go of the power of control and to rely on relationship and empathy. It is a much more vulnerable approach.
Does anyone know which study she's talking about that shows that the amount of times a child is hit shows a direct correlation with their amount of binge drinking during their later adolescence? I'd really like to see that one.
My friend and their brother have been hit often by their father all their life and my friend now sneaks beer and mixes is it with Pepsi at night, they also have severe mental issues
My friend too. We could tell he was "weird" back in grade one becuse he was that "annoying" odd kind of kid who hit people and was really messy. Now he gets into fights all the time and is pretty much an extreme hoarder. His dad was pretty abusive apparently
I had 3 failed suicide attempts in middle school. 6 years of bipolar disorder and severe depression. Trust me, violence isn't the be-all and end-all. What your parents did to you never justifies what you're putting your kids through.
A powerful presentation - THANK YOU Robbyn Peters Bennett! sharing this to FB with my community full of teachers, home-schooling parents, drum circle facilitators (who work a great deal in schools), and parents! THANK YOU!!
I was never spanked. Just yelled at like no tomorrow for every single thing. It was twice as scarry as being spanked because it lasted longer and parents usually didn't want to talk to me after. But one day I asked them: "Why don't you just spank me instead of yelling? I preffer that." Then it stopped. Now I have an amazing relationship with both of them.
My ACE score is 6, apparently. I hate the fact that I've grown up around so much negativity... children should NEVER have to go through anything like what I grew up with... I found my third grade journal recently, and it shocked me. My little third grade self would write about my mother's drinking, my parent's divorce, my being beaten by my cousin... it was depressing.
when the person you look up to the most , hits you on regular basis and you can't remember what you've done... it causes you to be the quiet kid in class, because you don't know what to say to people or how to make friends. you grow up to be a hermit who deep down inside is an extrovert. thx dad
Being hit as a child taught me that violence was the only way to solve problems. This led me to get into fights frequently. Fights which I was punished for when I got home.
I've been growing up under a strict gospel household full of violence imposed on us kids, especially me, and I'm scarred for life because of this inhumane practice. Over the years, I've been helping out depressed people with suicide tendencies and found that 90% had been under the vice atleast once in their life. Parents who married late would rather look to or hear from previously married couples on how to drive their children and 90% of the said advisers don't have any formula or structured studies to really offer which often leads to a deep unspoken peril of the children who got the end of the stick. It started around the age of seven when I got the first stick, then it grew and grew to the point where I got slapped, punched, kneed, tied, batoned and concussed till the age of fifteen when I vowed to hit back since I knew damn well something is just isn't right, no matter how much they laid the hands on my head and prayed to exorcise their supposed evils at the same time. I never hit back or anything but I wouldn't give into the dark sessions anymore being forced to sleep under the bed on cement floor, toilet, reversed hog tied, etc all in the name of supposed love written in the Bible which is intrepretted in such a farce manner, the worst radicalized passage of them all. And especially hitting teenage years and seeing friends chatting with their parents, laughing, doing fun activities together and all is just phoney to even attempt when the scars are still livid being cursed, demeaned, blamed and titled as the worst kid ever for almost a decade of growing up that I had to stay away the past 12 years trying to undo the damage since I just couldn't imagine having kids and them to ever endure even a single session of those days for the life of me. But now, it's a bit easier like for the past five years or so that I got to talk to my parents about those hard times which they wouldn't dare bring it up again for the future reunion which starts this Christmas 🎅 and believe me, we all learned and it's heaven compared to the hellacious memories of a broken and vulnerable childhood. So, in closing, I'd suggest any of you or your love ones to never indulge in that proverbial rod of love because we're human and we are made to be able to communicate without a cattle prod, especially when the wrong doers have every intention to justify it as religion, culture or norms, since it deffo ain't. It is as bad and much worst than men beating on their wives because the sickness grows worst each incidents if nothing is done to neutralized it. You might wanna assume it as the reason of your successes but deep down inside, it will always haunt you when you look back life to go forward happy until and unless you confront the blackened memories, accept and learn to forgive them. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year everyone and please make a change of light in this gloomy world of innuendos and God bless you all 👍
I watched this video twice today. It really spoke to me and helped me to understand a lot of my life long issues. To me, everything this lady said was spot on. I was spanked as a child by my mom and step dad and it fueled aggression in me when I got older and led to binge drinking, pill popping and the inability to have meaningful relationships with people. I'm doing a little better now and I have a nice boyfriend, but I can't hold a regular job because I flip out when men yell at me. Instead I have to work as an independent contractor. It sucks being like this and feeling damaged. But at least I'm starting to understand more about why I'm like this. I'm sorry but some of these people who think we should be smacking our kids more, don't understand the lasting impact child abuse has. This speaker really nailed it.
I forgot to mention that spankings led to open handed smacks to the face and once a back handed smack in my mouth that left me bleeding. All this coupled with a violent older sister who hit me as well. It wasn't just spankings. They were just the beginning.
The worst possible thing I could imagine so far in regards to this is when a punishment is delivered with no warning,cause or explanation as to why the action was wrong or intolerable. 😦
Thank you! I shared on my FB page Human Eclectic Learning Program, I have seen this first hand and chose a different path for my son. Spanking serves absolutely no good purpose!
Thank you for you work, and standing up for not only our children, but all of society, because children are always learning how to be adults. Giving them the understanding and education they need to become happy healthy adults is the responsibility of all :)
I was reminded about this Jerry Lewis interview where he feels so right about spanking his son … and my helplessness confronted with this beloved celebrity's error. I'll search it out again now, and post a link to this speech as comment! Just to give viewers food to think. All the little stones we can contribute will make a nice big house for all of us in the future!
I know a child who used to get spanked and she was going to kill herself because her parent beat her and hurt her emotional , instead she tried to sue them , however she just end up leave them to live with a relative and the parent aren't in jail because of the debate that spanking is a form of discipline. Now they're not allow to hit , but still hurt emotionally
The heaviest binge drinker I once knew grew up in a household where she and her siblings were told to go outside and get a stick to use as a switch for minor infractions - and saw nothing wrong with planning to raise their own children that way. The correlation was eye-opening for me.
She didn't mention verbal abuse/threats and neglect (which produces the worst results). Threatening children with hell (worse than a death threat) is just as bad as physical aggression. Also, how the hell can someone be anti spanking but pro war??? Why do you think he joined the military? She also said that parents say "we did the best we could" and she agrees. Bullshit! How many parenting books did these parents read? How many hours did they spend with a good therapist to work on their issues before having children?
Bdog111 - I can understand your confusion about my position on war. I am anti-war. My point was that we admire war heroes. I do not. I believe that early maltreatment directly influenced my son's decision to be a soldier. I think your connection between the two is astute. I thought that I made this clear in the talk, however, I can understand that it was in fact unclear. I do agree about verbal abuse as well, but I had 14 minutes to talk about abolishing a parents right to assault their child. So of course, much is left unsaid. As for people doing the best they can, I believe this to be true. It doesn't mean they aren't responsible for the damage done. The idea that when I was 18 years old on welfare and just struggling to survive, that I would pick up a parenting book is inconceivable. I was lucky to search out for a helper and was blessed to find a loving child therapist who helped me. Without him, I would have been lost.
bdog111 I just think the logical first step is to establish a no hitting policy. It seems like it would make it a good atmosphere to sit down and work out the other forms of abuse that have to be dealt with.
More on adult regulation please and I had a guy say to me once," May I please help you and your child clean up that mess," was WAY more effective than if he said "Stop!" Thanks for the message. We are all trying.
Yes, that is a compassionate response and is how I would want to be treated. As for adult regulation - so important! Yes, we need a TED Talk about that!
Spanking isn't the root; it's a symptom of a deeper problem; a base problem that we feel like we're powerless without some sort of physical expression to highlight dominance, or just simply a last-resort to get to a message across. Spanking isn't the problem, the problem is that the spanking is necessary to begin with - if the parent is that agitated or the kid is that out of control, then it was already a problem before a single hand was raised. She makes a lot of good points here but I feel her speech is manipulative towards the single facet of the issue she's focused on rather than the actual core problem that is that parents have too little authority over their kids; a parent ought be able to rule a kid with words and example alone; and if a parent can't do that, than just "don't spank" won't help them at all, because the need for authority is still existent. Children need an authority figure, and an authority figure that resorts to violence is the hallmark of a *weak authority figure*, --- that, more than anything, is the root. So overall, I'm glad I watched this, but I'm calling bullshit on "spanking is the *root* of the issue" statement, which is a fundamental misunderstanding of what the word "root" actually means.
my parents spanked me, but they didn't hit me with all their strength. they just made it slightly uncomfortable, a slight stinging at the worst. i don't consider them abusers, nor do i live in fear of them, so this genuinely confuses me...
I was spanked during childhood but was also shown love and support in equal measure so it didnt affect me thank goodness. I'm happy and successful. Important message madam, I see this in the children that I teach x
Not sure if someone pointed it out or not, but question 7 only asks if your mother was hit. What about your mother hitting your father yet him doing nothing to defend himself because it’s taboo in our society. There isn’t justice for men it should be mom/dad question.
I would go on a full length about my experience, but one thing good came out of being born into a family that only knows violence as the response and answer to everything: they are the very thing that drives me to be a loving parent to my future children. Getting shouted slurs at and beaten (most of the time for baseless reasons) does sucks, but i take them as a lesson. The sad thing is how blind my family is to our toxic and violent setting. I flinch when someone raises their hand near me (even if slightly), and my sister always makes fun of it. Thanks to them I develop a lot of traumas (they keep forgetting I exist whenever we go to the malls so naturally I develop fear of abandoment, and we're to sleep outside in the pitch dark whenever we did something wrong) and phobias (fear of abandonment, tight space, etc), but I'll push through. It's what I do. If I'm not the type to persevere, I wouldn't be here today. It's not surprising that my goal is to move out of this country and basically never contact them. I still love my mum though, so I'm not sure.
Seldom do I comment, but I feel I have to let myself out at this time. My mother used to beat the hell out of me, pushing me, slap my face for dozens of times, hit me with whatever handy. She did this frequently from as young as I could remember till I go to college. Now she thinks it's no big deal, and I'm ungrateful. Now I'm an adult, living in another country. I want to spread my arms and hug each and every child abuse survivors. We will be ok.
I'm hope that you are fine now .
I'm so sorry that happened to you.
The Grinch be safe and leave that abusive home as soon a you can. I have been there 10 years ago, you at my age will thank your younger self for stopping the abusive and moving on. You are worthy and you can do it!
The Grinch talk to someone in an organization against domestic violence or talk to one of your former teachers or school principal. Get help. You and your sister shouldn't go through this alone. Maybe your teachers and school principal will also be able to help you get a scholarship for college. You shouldn't give up on education. Completing college and finding a good job afterwards will be the best way out of your situation. Don't give up on your dreams.
What are you being ungrateful for? An abusive childhood? Does she think its her right to transfer the physical pain of birth onto you? Just shows that abusors rarely keep it just physical
Last night after losing my MIND screaming at my 9 yr old for not listening for the 100th time, I found myself fighting the urge to spank the crap out of her. It made me sad. I hate yelling and losing my temper. It makes me feel bad. I was in tears googling what to do and came across a gentle parenting page that shared this video. I fell asleep watching it last night so I was it this morning. Twice. My children are 2, 4 & 9 and while I don't spank my youngest children, my 4 yr old will cringe as if he's terrified of being spanked. I cried watching this. It made me realize that there is already a real fear in him of being hit... regardless of the fact that it hasn't yet happened. I feel like I am capable of so much better and this video really hit home for me.
watched*
+Meghann Bass thank you for sharing your story. I'm happy to hear that you stopped spanking.
+Robbyn Peters Bennett get a life
It goes to show its not a gender issue and it's a family issues due to human nature through as series of learned patterned behaviour in childhood. If you did hit you son frequently, he may end up being a violent towards men and women or end up being timid and unable to think for himself like how I ended up after my mother did to me as a form of discipline by the African way.
There is a wonderful little book called "Time-in Parenting." And a longer one "Parenting for the Inside Out." Don't be down on yourself, you recognized something that many parents never recognize. Say hello to your inner bitch, she wants all the same things your little boys does...
A lot of Christians use the verse about "spare the rod, spoil the child." But just before that in the Bible, the Bible says the rod is used like a rod for the sheep. Does the shepherd beat the sheep? Absolutely not! It's to guide them where they need to go. They valued the sheep because that was their wealth and their livelihood. They dare not hurt them at any extent. So the rod here for children is the rod of guidance, not violence.
Megan Garcia , thank you so much for pointing that out, you do not realise the information you just provided for me.
Megan Garcia whyyyyyyyyy, the stereotype heres a solution POINT IT OUTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THANKS FOR POINTING THAT OUT SHOWING THIS TO MY MOM THANKS
Absolutely correct. Not to mention, those particular words were never written in the bible in any version you can think of. It was a quote from a 200 page poem that nobody ever read.
I don't care what the Bible says, I just *don't want people to hit their children!*
Everything else is gobbledegook!
if your child is old enough to understand reason, then be calm and use reason.
if your child is too young to understand reason, then they won't understand why you are hitting them.
It's not the point that 3 year old understands not to do thing that get him hit (i'm talking about big, not just spilling the glass, but big things), but to make him/her not do that thing. Understanding will come sooner or later. Also understanding doesn't mean preventing.
Oh snap that is the perfect quote that everybody should say to somebody that spanks a child
Thank you
@@adqueen2548 What big things? You know, a child is your responsibility. Ex, if they don't understand not to run away into a street, then it is your fckng responsibility to keep them close to you. The same goes with other "big things". If you don't have time for that, then don't have children...
I wish more people would make the analogy that hitting your spouse is not ok, but somehow hitting a child is.
+FranklyRealty The weaker the scapegoat, the less likely they are to resist, so I only date midgets and dwarves from now on (don't tell anyone).
FranklyRealty I don't think many spouses complain about spankings
I did not spank my children, because it is not an effective method of discipline, and for all the reasons she said. Plus, although I was spanked as a child, I cannot remember a single thing that I did wrong to deserve any of those spankings. It does not work. I did, however, remember lessons I learned from more creative consequences. If I stole something, for example, I would be made to return the item and apologize to the person. That was very effective for me. We don't need to parent the same way that we were parented. I threw out what didn't work and kept what did.
But how to help Jack? When it begins at home with Jack's parents.....that is a touchy subject, that could make things worse for Jack.
EXACTLY!
Aloud, I just said, “Thank you!” This is soo true!
When someone says that they were hit as a child and they turned out okay, remind them that they turned out okay "in spite of" not "because of."
rick ciraulo also, if you're reasoning behind wanting to hit your child is that you were hit and turned out fine, clearly you didn't, considering the fact you think bringing harm to a child is okay.
This debate almost always missed half the topic. They concentrate on the punishment without considering the whole family environment. If you beat your children then it is also likely that you neglect them in other ways too. But if you smack as a correction in time and as part of a moderate and loving family setting then the smack has its desired effect without harm.
I can honestly say that I was smacked and I was corrected from going down a very dark path. I also noticed that when my mum smacked me, which was more often than my dad, it had less effect but the solitary time when my dad smacked me is reinforced in my mind even now, nearly 40 years later. I was smacked for throwing a stone at another child which resulted in a cracked skull. There were other aspects of the overall punishment, but the pain of the smack put the lesson deep in my subconscious. I remember the whole punishment, and why I got the punishment. I agree with the punishment and, as a parent, I would not have stopped my dad from doing it to me.
They say they turned out okay but they're obese due to comfort eating, they drink alcohol excessively, they're on antidepressants, they were self harmers, they endured abusive relationahips, they are/were drug users, and the list goes on.
No child who was hit by their parent turns out okay.
Most people who say they "turned out okay" have, in fact, not turned out okay.
When people say that they tend to ignore the negitive and focus on the positives! That's right; My 3 brothers and I were spanked and still got in trouble. Where-as my step sibblings were never spanked and had no run-ins with the law!
We need more (TED) talks on these topics. Childhood experiences forms us how we are later in life.
I scored 7. Thats why i decided not to have kids. Life is hard enough. Don't want to make the same mistakes.
I'm an abuse survivor too and I'm terrified of having kids aswell, but I would love to have one in the future
I have anger and anxiety issues, and anti-social tendencies which I am sure root from beatings I received in early childhood, though it's not as severe as yours. I love children and would love to have a family but I am so afraid of hurting them and repeating what happened with me. So I am just not gonna have children as well.
But this is not what the pharmaceutical industry wants to hear. (What will happen to them, if people realize that psychological problems are in fact the consequence of bad parenting for lots of generations?) And most of abusive parents dont want to hear it as well , especially those who are in denial about their own childhood experiences. Its dangerous stuff for them, although the only one, which can heal the world. To feel your pain and NOT give it to the next generation.
Make the world a better place. Break the cycle.
natasja van limburg stirum I’m an 8. I made the same decision.
"I got hit and I turned out okay" The fact that you think hitting your child is fine and good is evidence that you are not okay. An effect of abuse is thinking that abuse is normal.
Good point. Can't really take people's word for it that they're "okay," whatever that even means.
If you really think about it logically, "spanking" is such a bizarre idea. It means that in our society you can use physical violence to control a person if they're small but as soon as they're 18 that same action gets a new name "Domestic violence. Battering. Abuse." In other words it's legal as long as the victim is too young to defend themselves. It's legal as long as the victim is too young to verbalize the lasting damage it's causing inside of them, where the bruises don't show...
I still remember the unjust spankings I got as a child. Even then I knew they were unnecessary, lazy and cruel. Corporal punishment didn't teach me to be good. It just convinced me that my family didn't really care about me. I always wondered why they wouldn't just take the time to get to know me instead of just blindly attacking the minute I did something they perceived to be "wrong." If they knew me even a little they'd know it was never necessary to hit me. I was such a pushover. You could just look at me harshly and I'd learn my lesson and never do that "bad" thing again. But they didn't know that because they "didn't have time" to learn. Actually let's be honest. Plenty of times the spanking wasn't really about me at all. It was a result of their frustration. It felt good to hit me so they did it.It relieved their stress. It felt satisfying to punish. Satisfying to hit a defenseless little girl who trusted you. Believed in you. Needed you. So you did.
Same for me too. I was my family's emotional and physical punching bag, too.
The best course of action with a child is to remain calm. Guide them. Avoid yelling and never hit them.
You are soooo right. I am from Colombia and had lived here my whole life. Since this is a country where poverty and poor education strikes most of the population, this problem is huge. But what saddens me most is that even people with higher education also think that spanking is not a big deal.They are proud that their mother hitted them with a "chancleta" (flipflop) because it made them good, respectable grwon ups. I have a 7 year old and not once have I hitted or humiliated him in any way, and he is such a good, respectful, empathic boy. NEVER, under any circumstance, hit or humiliate your children, they respond better to love than to violence as we all do.
Maria Fernanda Puyo Same thing here, I am from Brazil. I noticed that people who thank being hit are almost always conservatives. The type that hates minorities and the like. I don't think that is turning out ok. Being a conservative is a disease triggered by child abuse
My ACE score is 8
There was a hole in the wall the shape of my sister, but it was ok because she was "a problem child". My dad had a blunt (I can't spell this,but it's one of those pointy things nights stabbed people with) hanging on the wall, we tryed to go as long as wee could before he took it down to hit us with it. My step dad hit us with his belt when we were talking after bed time. He once pushed my head into a bowl of cereal Becuse I wasn't paying attention to him. My mum left big red handprints on our backs and bottoms. I was always afraid. My "problem child" sister, grew up to be abusive, throwing things, hitting me, anything she could do to get her way, to be in control. At least 2 of my sisters have wanted to kill themselfs at one point in their lives, not including me. To this day I flinch when someone raises their hand, when something moves unexpectedly. Every little noise makes me jump. When someone yells, I curl up into a ball, hands over my ears, eyes shut, just waiting. Because I was taught that when people start yelling, someone is going to get hurt.
Now, tell me that's ok. tell me that's just tough love. tell me it was supposed to make me stronger. Tell me that I'm the problem.
I regret that this abuse happened to you and your siblings. It wasn't right and you have been traumatized by it. This is why I am an advocate for children and I am an advocate for people to avoid violence.
Look into positive discipline. Its basically how to teach your children how to regulate their emotions. Like instead of having your child go into a corner for time out, you have them do something that you know will calm them down. For my kids it having me read to them. That way they can calm down a bit and more importantly YOU can calm down. Then you talk about what was making them upset. Eventually you'll notice that your children are becoming calmer and handle stress better. Of course its not a cure to make your children behave all the time. That's something we have to get over as parents, our children are not robots that we can program to act the way we want.
Exactly! It's important that children learn how to deal with their mood swings and emotions. As for making them behave...we have to discipline them, because that is part of being responsible parents, and for the few first years of their lives, they don't understand how to talk about feelings, and this is the only way to get through to them about what is right and what is wrong. But, this is critical: we need to make sure that they understand that they are good people; they just make mistakes sometimes. And kids believe what they hear, so if you tell a kid that they're a bad person, they're going to believe you, and they will behave accordingly.
Hey Robin, great advice thanks. I struggle with timeout and threatening sometimes it doesn't seem appropriate. When I think about it, story time has to be my 2.5 year old's absolute favourite (NZ spelling is correct You Tube) activity. I guess because it's focused one on one time.
Jasmine Hunter You are so welcome! Yes, story time is so important… such a dreamy time to connect with our children. Sometimes, if we let them ramble, we learn so much about what worries them or what is on their mind. Connecting first thing in the morning is so important as well, and right after school. Patty Wiplfer with Hand-in-Hand Parenting was talking to me about how our children sometimes are disconnected after school, because there is so little one-on-one time for them to stay regulated and relational - which is why sometimes we just get a "fine" from them when we ask about their day!
This lady, She speaks truth.
I honor her ability to say what some teens try to tell their parents who still "spank" them.
I'm 19 and I can't leave my house. I sleep with furniture pushed against my door. I'm ashamed of needing to eat, I'm scared of looking feminine even though I identify as being female, I have panic attacks around men. I'm at university and I'm barely passing because I can't concentrate for long on anything before I dissociate or start hearing my father's voice in my head. I feel as though I've escaped the prison of being a helpless child, only to become trapped in an elaborately predestined labyrinth of fear. Don't beat your children. Love them, or ruin their lives.
Oreo, You seem to be suffering so much. I hope you will consider reaching out to a counselor that specializes in trauma to help you with the panic. Universities usually have a counseling department with people who will be kind to you and can offer help.
Oreo just confront them u will risk your life but it will be worth it
It’s going to be ok. I’ve been in your shoes and sounds like you have complex ptsd. Keep learning find a counselor if you can. Escape but find a safe space first.
you shouldn't feel like that its over move on with your life by giving your life to God..that is the best help you could have.
I agree with jayT martin. In a few weeks I will have up a YT video about my healing from PTSD from childhood abuse. I found God could do what another person couldn't do, because of today's moral ambiguity. God is love and he was constantly present and loving throughout the healing that he guided me through. It's a shame that most people see God as malevolent, cause they miss out on what their life could be, people shouldn't trust the opinions of others in regards to what God is truly like.
When Robbyn says ... what we need to do for Jack is get down on the floor with Jack and touch him and just be present and engage with what Jack is doing.... that's fine, but how many children ever find that person who will do that for them, when people are too busy and stressed to do that for their own kids? But God will do that, and he can do it in a way that no one else can, because he is always there whenever you need him.
My dad used to hit me when I was very small. He stopped when I was around 6, but I still have vague memories and flinch when someone playfully hits me and scare very easily. He jokes about how he used to hit me all the time too. Just because they're little doesn't mean they won't know it happened of he effected.
I was brutally beaten up as a child and wound up running away from home 11 years ago. I'm on long-term anti-depressants... I wish it never happened, because I used to be a smart kid. Straight A's. After the onset of depression, I deteriorated mentally. I don't have the time/money to get a degree. Tired all the time and often suicidal. Struggling to survive everyday.
May God help you!
some of your symptoms are what I have and I have hypothyroidism. Have you checked out if that may be your case as well?
Sorry
Physical abuse fucks with your natural healthy breathing. When you know you're about to be hit by someone, your breathing becomes shallow because deep breaths amplify body sensations. I struggle with this every day - it's very hard even at the fairly young age of 22 to undo so many years of stressed out breathing.
It's also very hard to relax the jaw - your jaw clenches when you know you're about to be hit, which also constricts breathing. Constant jaw tension creates imbalances in the neck muscles, which in turn create pain, soreness, and even more stress.
The muscles around the pelvis and the lower abdominals aid in deep breathing. By discouraging deep breathing in your child, you're discouraging them from developing those very important muscles which are responsible for sexual vitality and good posture.
There are SO many layers to this shit....bottom line is that it's evil to hit someone not out of self-defense, it's even more evil to hit someone who's much smaller than you, and it's even more evil to hit someone who's much smaller than you AND depedent on you for survival.
+HipHop Anonymous Wow, this is very insightful. I didn't know this.
I never thought about this... I wonder if my childhood is a small reason why I can't breathe appropriately for a number of activities (playing a woodwind, scuba diving, etc).
I wrote the comment 3 years ago and started swimming 6 months ago so I would recommend using that as a tool to help recover whatever abilities were stifled in you. You just have to push your limits every time you do it and not get panicked during because that will be counter-productive.
Sauna and steam rooms help a lot too.
HipHop Anonymous I relate to this
I do this everyday when my parents scold me..?
My brother, who was familiar with being hit, would say to my mother: "He who strikes the first blow admits he's lost the argument." (Chinese Proverb)
We don't need to outlaw spanking, we need to give parents more ideas. (If empathy or compassion are ideas.)
We need to educate parents, and help them heal their own wounds. I would be surprised to meet a person who was never spanked, yet spanked their own children.
Or stop giving him the idea of violence first so they can think something up.
why not do both?
This is so fundamentally important and not talked about enough.
We do not own our children
Delyla Marie Theresa Pierson-Winburn III
Exactly what I've been saying!
Yeah we do because they did not asked to be here...
@ Anita Veres: What is your point, exactly?
Ingelinn Lilleborge i think I misunderstood the comment.
Delyla Marie Theresa Pierson-Winburn III If you signed a birth certificate, the state owns them. That's why they can legally take your child away from you.
i knew it, i feel like i was led here by divine providence, i just finished tutoring a girl whom i could tell was having difficulty regulating, she was smart but kept getting all the answers wrong because she was pushing herself over to unrealistic answers in math, i was getting stressed out by the constant feeling of being so close to the answer, only to end up with an answer that was "so far away", so i knew something was up and i came to do research. In my country Nigeria, domestic violence is normal, condoned and encouraged, but it kills the creativity of the young people, makes them conformists who just do what they are told without a thought, those who cannot adjust to the system and look for creative ways to cheat it are treated as bad eggs in a bunch, i feel called to end it and preserve their ability to think clearly but it is overwhelming task, a lot of young people are already damaged.
I love the way she speaks. Such a gentle way of talking, and just by the way of her speech she seems so affectionate and genuine.
Robbyn you are awesome! Finally someone who pointed out the elephant in the room!
I think the study on the correlation between brain damage and physical disipline from 0 to 3 years old is the most important one.
*"once I was inside of his world , I never hit him again"*
Where is that quote from?
Previous to watching this and reading an article that linked this I was entirely pro spanking. And this is even taking into account that I was physically abused past that. But now a lot of things make more sense. I am genuinely impressed that My view has been changed after all these years.
same here
how is that working out so far?
For the people defending spanking: you say if it's not really painful and the child knows it did something wrong, then it's okay. Children act irrational at times and need to learn how to behave. Now: we, adults, often behave irrational and idiotic, especially when we're at home, because at work we have to behave. If you, a grown adult, behave irrational towards your wife or husband (we are all moody sometimes), would it be okay if they spanked you? After all, you know even better know, why you are being spanked and it doesn't hurt anyways. Most would answer, no that's not okay. Then tell me: what's the difference between our tantrums and children tantrums? Children don't always understand that they did something wrong, but we as adults do, so it would even be more appropriate to spank us than the children (by the logic that the one being spanked understands their wrong-doing). But most would disagree. Why is that? Do children have less worth than adults? Why do you think hitting children is okay when they do mistakes and when adults do it's not?
If it's not painful it wouldn't be effective, so anyone who says that is trying to lazily rationalize it.
Because in the eyes of society children do have less worth than adults, it's the same eyes seen women having less worth than men, blacks having less worth than whites, foreigners having less worth than locals, slaves having less worth than owners, gays having less worth than straights. If after all that and such a poor track record you looked and noticed they don't feel children have less than adults you ought to be utterly shocked and wonder "why did this one relationship and this one only avoid bigotry?" answer is it didn't.
Brilliant talk, it would only take one or two generations to change so much.
My father spanked me twice when I was young. But he also gave my stepmother permission to slap me across the face for "being fresh." She slapped me multiple times until I was probably 15 or 16. Her parents smacked her when she was growing up. Her mother even said to her "you're not too old for me to whup you" when she was FORTY. I can't speak for mom's issues but I've suffered from major depressive disorder and severe anxiety for most of my life. The science is sound, why do people think it's still okay to hit their kids?
This video vividly reminds me of the hell I went through at the hands of my father. With what he put me through, I would take a spanking any day. If it wasn't bolted down, it was thrown at me, or he'd beat me with his bare hands and kick me. He even spat on me several times and used all manner of foul language at me. My blood's been boiling since I was a kid, and the fact that I'm in my mid 40's now and haven't exploded at him and caused him serious physical harm is nothing short of a miracle. I long for the day when I can cut the ties with him completely and no longer have to deal with him. To say I hate him would barely be scratching the surface. Burning in hell would be too good for him. He deserves a fate much worse.
+6672rock so sorry you went through this horrible experience. I hope you find peace. blessings
For my own experiences... there is no peace. All I have been able to do is to stay totally away. However, even though both my parents (my mother being the brutal one more so than my father) are dead, what I was conditioned to be as a child is still within me. I cannot have pets. I cannot be married. I do not want to repeat that of which they were. I choose to be alone for the sake of all others.
You are a wonderful and beautiful person. Part of you knows it's true - find that part of yourself and let it grow stronger than the past. It's in there. For the sake, of all others - find it and let it grow.
and I would add that you are uniquely positioned to help end the epidemic of hitting children. Is it possible that this is your life mission? I wish you light and love.
I found peace when I "remembered" that before coming down to earth I had agreed to what happened to me after-at least to the majority of these things.
Off course the wounds stay and need psychotheurapeutical work or some type of therapy to be healed. But there is hope
Hurt people hurt people.
I scored a 10. In a sense, I am jack. I need to work out just to try to be calm. My emotions some times feel inescapable, and my apathy and despair overwhelming. I wish more people were aware of what spanking does, and ACT to stop it in response.
Is anyone else tearing up or is it just me?
ba-dum-tss me to me too
I found myself not being able to control the tears...my ace score is of a 9 and well..you get it
Nope. I get flashbacks myself everytime I read or hear stuff like this, and almost get teary. Cuz I remember what the kids did to me at school and the anger and lack of support I got at home with even more abuse.
When she talked about peach tea I cried. My mom did the same thing to us. But she didn't dress it up in pretty words like "peach tea". She said it for what it was.
So fucking true. When I was a kid my mom would hit me when I did something wrong and I thought that was normal. So, when my younger sister did something wrong I would hit her because I was mad and I thought she deserved it. That it was normal. Now, as a teenager, I know it was wrong and I deeply regret it and do my best to stop my sister from getting hit by my mom.
Not only PTSD is found in children, but it can also cause OCD as well, how I know that because the worst way is to also understand that OCD from bad parental patterns is from parental anger and that we also remember the importance of why parents need to learn to get along with the spouses to show the children the importance of getting along with others. It all starts from home is why criminals are criminals because 90% are from home.
If you use violence against your kids to get them to do what you want, don't be surprised when you see them do the same to others.
I was spanked by both my mother and father. My mother liked to use a paddle and my dad would use a belt. Spanking was allowed in school all the way up to the 7th grade then it was outlawed. I have never spanked my children. I have had to physically restrain my wife from spanking our children. She was badly abuse as a child. I think it is the worst thing you can do to a child. Imagine the person who is supposed to love you and take care of you the most beating you. That is what it is. Violence. My oldest is now 22 and married and about to have a baby. I have tried to instill in both her and my son in law that spanking is not going to be tolerated by me. My youngest is 14 and has many problems related to our divorce and the bad treatment she gets from her mother.
This is amazing! I'm so glad that both my husband and I listened to our guts and refuse to hit our son. Keep speaking the truth!
I didn't grow up in a physical abusive household, & I was never spanked. Though I did grow up in an emotionally abusive household. I remember always thinking I did something wrong as a child, & asking my mom to hit me since I was "Bad". She never did, except in high school when I became depressed, that's when she started hitting me with frying pans & other objects, which of course made it worse. I still deal with issues of thinking I'm the cause of other peoples issues, even when I have nothing to do with it.
Edit: Though I was physically abused by my older sister as a child. She used to do things like stick needles in me, & punch me until I couldn't stand. She said at the time it was because she loved me, that she was only person to give me attention, but really she admitted later on it was because she hated me & wanted to be an only child.
Wow am sorry you had to go through that
that's why when I hear that crap that our days people were more respectful it was fear
Spanking has also, in some cases, caused early onset of spinal arthritis and other lumbar or sacral issues. Those are tender, forming vertebrate and spinal disks being subjected to the jolt an adult's strength can deliver to the child's backside, even if you are hitting their rear the reverberations from that jolt can still effect the spine. Those repeated jolts to those fragile, forming bones can cause minor damage. Well, minor at the time but as the body grows and those vertebrate have more strain (due to the weight that occurs as a child's body matures) those small little flaws caused by the impact of spanking can become more serious issues. Think about it, if you have back pain in the lower back that you can't figure out the cause of, were you spanked? If so, it may have been a factor in weakening your lower back and thus opening the door for those issues to show up, or at least show up earlier. What's done to forming bones and tissues, even if it seems like a small thing, can impact life later on.
Exactly, spanking can also cause damage to the vagus nerve, which connects the lower body to the upper body - obviously a very important nerve in the body for athletic activity of any kind.
Let him feel just how much we really love being with him.
Beautiful talk. It's a flawed agreement that without spanking, kids are undisciplined. Say what you mean, mean what you say. Be consistent. Don't raise your voice. My baby just turned 2 and it seemed like the tantrums ramped up on his birthday. But he's testing to see what works to get his way. I've never given in to tantrums so they are short lived. Throwing puzzle pieces just means he has to pick them up afterward. If he wants to get out of his chair at mealtime because he's finished but no one else is, he's told that everyone else is still eating and he should wait. And because he has never gotten his way with me, he listens and waits. he's always a model child in restaurants and always gets complimented. If he tries to get what he wants by fussing or grunting I ask him to tell me what he wants. Sometimes he doesn't want to, but I wait until he asks calmly and says "please". I just don't reward any bad behavior but am quick to reward good behavior. About 8 months ago, when he learned he got a reaction when he bit me, he got a 60 second time out in the play pen (that we never use). It failed the first time because there were toys in it, but the second time, a few minutes later, when it was empty, he figured it out. And hasn't bit me since. He is a joy and brings blessings every minute of every day. Maybe I'm just blessed to have a baby that is so agreeable he reminds ME when it's nap time (lol my parents drink a glass of red wine every night and when we visit, my baby ALSO announces that it's "wine time" at the right time every evening), and seems to want more than anything to please me. But I really think people think there is a problem with a lack of spanking when really, it's a problem with lack of consistency and timing.
I agree
My parents were violent, especially my drunk father, a cop. I lived in fear and was very nervous, walking on eggshells all the time, and suffering from depression. As a teenager I was suicidal. Therefore I did not spank my children. They are all grown up now and are wonderful parents themselves. It is strange, tho, that when they were in Catholic school, they were hit by teachers. My husband and I pulled them out, moved, and put them in a public school where hitting was not allowed.
❤️❤️❤️
Good for you
If you're a parent, then you basically just have one real main task in life and that's to ensure the safety of your children. You can't hit your child and expect to be considered a good parent. A good parent won't ever attempt to damage a child's psyche by making it feel unsafe through subjecting it to violence. It's time people realized all violence is barbaric.
Great talk! The speaker sharing her story of her son and spanking makes this talk really powerful.
It's so refreshing to see so many people commenting to say they understand the damage hitting kids does. It gives me hope for the future! Thanks guys :)
"My Granddaughter"
Girl you look like 25 how is that even possible
Valeria T it’s because she didn’t spank her kids when they needed to be.
Lmao
Im thankful for the presence of people like you, people who want to end this viscious cycle of violence that is going on in the world and rip its roots out, bc yes hitting kids at home is its root
brilliant talk, thank you so much you are on the right side of history Robbyn!
Miss mandkine
म
A refreshing talk as this is one of the reasons why both men and women end up being victims or abusers in domestic violence. It's a generational issue rather than a gender issue.
It's both, the study touched on the male - head-of-house as a contributing problem.
Spanking a kid isn't going to teach them to behave, if anything it'll just make them scared of you. The reason they stop acting up is because they're scared not because they know how to behave. It's scary if you're being hit by someone twice your size and much older than you
This is so helpful. I'm teaching in a Japanese nursery school (0-6) I knew that "bad" behaviour is caused by home life. I need all the tips for "jack". Japan is pretty bad for neglect as well. Theres hitting of kids but also parents will just leave them alone, by themselves. Screaming.
True story:
I stole some chocolate chips from my family's pantry one time. My mother had me put my hands at the center of her queen sized bed, had me pull my pants down, and then she hit me with my father's weight lifting belt. I was 8.
It took me about 20 years to realize that it was abuse.
That is seriously screwed up on all levels. Hope you will heal.
About ten years ago I started remembering my childhood (I had blocked it out) and I was surprised to have so many memories younger than 3 where everything I did was dictated by my fear of my parents. I don't know if I ever made choices as a kid without first making sure it fit my parents' very strict idea of what is right because I was afraid of them. Frankly, I'm still afraid of them on that level. So many adults think kids will forget and it won't matter but it does so, so much!
i think this talk just changed my life.
This was a profoundly gentle but powerful presentation!!! Thanks so much for the insight!
my grandmother and grandfather smacked me on the hand, flicked me, or put me in time out. my father would chase me around the table with a knife, and he tried to burn my hands on a stove. in my case my grandparents disciplined me, my father was abusive.
I will share this on my blog this week. I had a 'run in' with a couple of high school acquaintances who advocated spanking. I un-friended them. This video makes me want to confront them but I know it is so ungodly difficult to make ignorant generational influenced tyrants see the light. But, I'll try, now!
That is marvelous John. If we can stay connected with people who think spanking is OK, we have a good chance of sharing our experience and offering them alternatives. People advocate it, because they just don't know any better. When you take spanking away, you have to offer them some alternative based upon relationship and connectedness. It is a huge shift to let go of the power of control and to rely on relationship and empathy. It is a much more vulnerable approach.
Robbyn Peters Bennett Thanks Robbyn. The link is papagreenbean.blogspot.com and I should have it written today sometime.
Does anyone know which study she's talking about that shows that the amount of times a child is hit shows a direct correlation with their amount of binge drinking during their later adolescence? I'd really like to see that one.
www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4258112/
www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2656346/
Robbyn Peters Bennett thank you so much Robbyn!
My friend and their brother have been hit often by their father all their life and my friend now sneaks beer and mixes is it with Pepsi at night, they also have severe mental issues
My friend too. We could tell he was "weird" back in grade one becuse he was that "annoying" odd kind of kid who hit people and was really messy. Now he gets into fights all the time and is pretty much an extreme hoarder. His dad was pretty abusive apparently
My fiance, was never hit as a child and still fell into a drinking problem.
That is one smart woman.
I had 3 failed suicide attempts in middle school. 6 years of bipolar disorder and severe depression.
Trust me, violence isn't the be-all and end-all. What your parents did to you never justifies what you're putting your kids through.
A powerful presentation - THANK YOU Robbyn Peters Bennett! sharing this to FB with my community full of teachers, home-schooling parents, drum circle facilitators (who work a great deal in schools), and parents! THANK YOU!!
I was never spanked. Just yelled at like no tomorrow for every single thing. It was twice as scarry as being spanked because it lasted longer and parents usually didn't want to talk to me after. But one day I asked them: "Why don't you just spank me instead of yelling? I preffer that." Then it stopped. Now I have an amazing relationship with both of them.
Robbyn! Way to go! Fantastic! Love it! Sharing it all over the place. You are wonderful. Thank you!
If I showed this to my parents they would just ignore it most likely
My ACE score is 6, apparently. I hate the fact that I've grown up around so much negativity... children should NEVER have to go through anything like what I grew up with... I found my third grade journal recently, and it shocked me. My little third grade self would write about my mother's drinking, my parent's divorce, my being beaten by my cousin... it was depressing.
when the person you look up to the most , hits you on regular basis and you can't remember what you've done... it causes you to be the quiet kid in class, because you don't know what to say to people or how to make friends. you grow up to be a hermit who deep down inside is an extrovert. thx dad
I want this awesome lady as my therapist.
Reach out for help. Find ways not to be violent with your children. That only makes them violent . This is everyone's problem. Let's fix it now
Being hit as a child taught me that violence was the only way to solve problems. This led me to get into fights frequently. Fights which I was punished for when I got home.
Thank you for giving such a beautiful, important and heartfelt talk. I hope it touches parents in the way you want it to.
This was a great Tedx Talk. Very inspiring.
A wise and heartfelt TED talk, Thank you very much for teaching others.
I've been growing up under a strict gospel household full of violence imposed on us kids, especially me, and I'm scarred for life because of this inhumane practice. Over the years, I've been helping out depressed people with suicide tendencies and found that 90% had been under the vice atleast once in their life.
Parents who married late would rather look to or hear from previously married couples on how to drive their children and 90% of the said advisers don't have any formula or structured studies to really offer which often leads to a deep unspoken peril of the children who got the end of the stick.
It started around the age of seven when I got the first stick, then it grew and grew to the point where I got slapped, punched, kneed, tied, batoned and concussed till the age of fifteen when I vowed to hit back since I knew damn well something is just isn't right, no matter how much they laid the hands on my head and prayed to exorcise their supposed evils at the same time. I never hit back or anything but I wouldn't give into the dark sessions anymore being forced to sleep under the bed on cement floor, toilet, reversed hog tied, etc all in the name of supposed love written in the Bible which is intrepretted in such a farce manner, the worst radicalized passage of them all. And especially hitting teenage years and seeing friends chatting with their parents, laughing, doing fun activities together and all is just phoney to even attempt when the scars are still livid being cursed, demeaned, blamed and titled as the worst kid ever for almost a decade of growing up that I had to stay away the past 12 years trying to undo the damage since I just couldn't imagine having kids and them to ever endure even a single session of those days for the life of me. But now, it's a bit easier like for the past five years or so that I got to talk to my parents about those hard times which they wouldn't dare bring it up again for the future reunion which starts this Christmas 🎅 and believe me, we all learned and it's heaven compared to the hellacious memories of a broken and vulnerable childhood.
So, in closing, I'd suggest any of you or your love ones to never indulge in that proverbial rod of love because we're human and we are made to be able to communicate without a cattle prod, especially when the wrong doers have every intention to justify it as religion, culture or norms, since it deffo ain't. It is as bad and much worst than men beating on their wives because the sickness grows worst each incidents if nothing is done to neutralized it.
You might wanna assume it as the reason of your successes but deep down inside, it will always haunt you when you look back life to go forward happy until and unless you confront the blackened memories, accept and learn to forgive them.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year everyone and please make a change of light in this gloomy world of innuendos and God bless you all 👍
Violence is a primitive practice should not be used on anyone.
I watched this video twice today. It really spoke to me and helped me to understand a lot of my life long issues. To me, everything this lady said was spot on. I was spanked as a child by my mom and step dad and it fueled aggression in me when I got older and led to binge drinking, pill popping and the inability to have meaningful relationships with people. I'm doing a little better now and I have a nice boyfriend, but I can't hold a regular job because I flip out when men yell at me. Instead I have to work as an independent contractor. It sucks being like this and feeling damaged. But at least I'm starting to understand more about why I'm like this.
I'm sorry but some of these people who think we should be smacking our kids more, don't understand the lasting impact child abuse has.
This speaker really nailed it.
I forgot to mention that spankings led to open handed smacks to the face and once a back handed smack in my mouth that left me bleeding. All this coupled with a violent older sister who hit me as well. It wasn't just spankings. They were just the beginning.
Thank you very much for teaching others.
The worst possible thing I could imagine so far in regards to this is when a punishment is delivered with no warning,cause or explanation as to why the action was wrong or intolerable. 😦
I love this! I used to think spanking was normal since that's the way I grew up. Once I gave birth to my daughter it all changed...
Thank you! I shared on my FB page Human Eclectic Learning Program, I have seen this first hand and chose a different path for my son. Spanking serves absolutely no good purpose!
Thank you for you work, and standing up for not only our children, but all of society, because children are always learning how to be adults. Giving them the understanding and education they need to become happy healthy adults is the responsibility of all :)
Man that last part slayed me. I don't hit my kids but I could definitely spend more time being present. I hate that anyone hits children.
I was reminded about this Jerry Lewis interview where he feels so right about spanking his son … and my helplessness confronted with this beloved celebrity's error.
I'll search it out again now, and post a link to this speech as comment! Just to give viewers food to think.
All the little stones we can contribute will make a nice big house for all of us in the future!
Excellent Ted Talk. One that everyone should see.
I know a child who used to get spanked and she was going to kill herself because her parent beat her and hurt her emotional , instead she tried to sue them , however she just end up leave them to live with a relative and the parent aren't in jail because of the debate that spanking is a form of discipline. Now they're not allow to hit , but still hurt emotionally
The heaviest binge drinker I once knew grew up in a household where she and her siblings were told to go outside and get a stick to use as a switch for minor infractions - and saw nothing wrong with planning to raise their own children that way. The correlation was eye-opening for me.
She didn't mention verbal abuse/threats and neglect (which produces the worst results). Threatening children with hell (worse than a death threat) is just as bad as physical aggression. Also, how the hell can someone be anti spanking but pro war??? Why do you think he joined the military? She also said that parents say "we did the best we could" and she agrees. Bullshit! How many parenting books did these parents read? How many hours did they spend with a good therapist to work on their issues before having children?
Bdog111 - I can understand your confusion about my position on war. I am anti-war. My point was that we admire war heroes. I do not. I believe that early maltreatment directly influenced my son's decision to be a soldier. I think your connection between the two is astute. I thought that I made this clear in the talk, however, I can understand that it was in fact unclear. I do agree about verbal abuse as well, but I had 14 minutes to talk about abolishing a parents right to assault their child. So of course, much is left unsaid.
As for people doing the best they can, I believe this to be true. It doesn't mean they aren't responsible for the damage done. The idea that when I was 18 years old on welfare and just struggling to survive, that I would pick up a parenting book is inconceivable. I was lucky to search out for a helper and was blessed to find a loving child therapist who helped me. Without him, I would have been lost.
Robbyn Peters Bennett Thank you for the clarification.
bdog111
I just think the logical first step is to establish a no hitting policy. It seems like it would make it a good atmosphere to sit down and work out the other forms of abuse that have to be dealt with.
Thank you, Robbyn.
Thank you. This is such an important message.
More on adult regulation please and I had a guy say to me once," May I please help you and your child clean up that mess," was WAY more effective than if he said "Stop!" Thanks for the message. We are all trying.
Yes, that is a compassionate response and is how I would want to be treated. As for adult regulation - so important! Yes, we need a TED Talk about that!
perhaps you will find some of the resources on this channel worthwhile
Spanking isn't the root; it's a symptom of a deeper problem; a base problem that we feel like we're powerless without some sort of physical expression to highlight dominance, or just simply a last-resort to get to a message across. Spanking isn't the problem, the problem is that the spanking is necessary to begin with - if the parent is that agitated or the kid is that out of control, then it was already a problem before a single hand was raised. She makes a lot of good points here but I feel her speech is manipulative towards the single facet of the issue she's focused on rather than the actual core problem that is that parents have too little authority over their kids; a parent ought be able to rule a kid with words and example alone; and if a parent can't do that, than just "don't spank" won't help them at all, because the need for authority is still existent. Children need an authority figure, and an authority figure that resorts to violence is the hallmark of a *weak authority figure*, --- that, more than anything, is the root. So overall, I'm glad I watched this, but I'm calling bullshit on "spanking is the *root* of the issue" statement, which is a fundamental misunderstanding of what the word "root" actually means.
Samuel Wallace non violent communication touch on that !
my parents spanked me, but they didn't hit me with all their strength. they just made it slightly uncomfortable, a slight stinging at the worst. i don't consider them abusers, nor do i live in fear of them, so this genuinely confuses me...
I was spanked during childhood but was also shown love and support in equal measure so it didnt affect me thank goodness. I'm happy and successful. Important message madam, I see this in the children that I teach x
I couldn't agree more. How do people think their children will learn to communicate their feelings when they use spanking.
Very good. Worth listening to several times. Quite substantial guidance.
I've been spanked and it's a horrible experience and it did not teach me anything it did teach me one thing to be scared of my parents
Not sure if someone pointed it out or not, but question 7 only asks if your mother was hit. What about your mother hitting your father yet him doing nothing to defend himself because it’s taboo in our society. There isn’t justice for men it should be mom/dad question.
This just broke my heart
I would go on a full length about my experience, but one thing good came out of being born into a family that only knows violence as the response and answer to everything: they are the very thing that drives me to be a loving parent to my future children. Getting shouted slurs at and beaten (most of the time for baseless reasons) does sucks, but i take them as a lesson.
The sad thing is how blind my family is to our toxic and violent setting. I flinch when someone raises their hand near me (even if slightly), and my sister always makes fun of it.
Thanks to them I develop a lot of traumas (they keep forgetting I exist whenever we go to the malls so naturally I develop fear of abandoment, and we're to sleep outside in the pitch dark whenever we did something wrong) and phobias (fear of abandonment, tight space, etc), but I'll push through. It's what I do. If I'm not the type to persevere, I wouldn't be here today.
It's not surprising that my goal is to move out of this country and basically never contact them. I still love my mum though, so I'm not sure.
I'm so thankful that I was never hit as a kid.