I told my fiancé about my past…now he’s ghosting me! | Reddit Stories
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r/BORUpdates - My 29 F fiance 29 M has ghosted me since he found out about my past
Note: stories are often abbreviated, find the story at the top of the description
#redditstories #reddit #funnyredditposts
OKOP okay op okay storytime ok storytime
Also, I’m a recovering addict. And anytime I dated anyone who wasn’t an addict themselves I always let them know. Especially during the talking stage. I didn’t unload everything at once but slowly over time I did and was always accepted. It hurt me to hear he said “once a junkie always a junkie” I hate the term junkie. Seriously. We are human. And should be treated as such. Please don’t call recovering addicts junkies. Because we’re now
Thank you for telling us. It takes guts to so so
You should be so proud of yourself for recovering!! My brother was an addict and unfortunately passed before he could get sober. It’s cruel that people will say such things but you don’t have to let your past define you. I’m so amazed by anyone who is able to get sober and rebuild their life.
Judgemental cowards.
Addicts don't exist.
Addiction is real.
I’m so proud of you!!
Everyone's relationships are different but if my husband ghosted me for a week with no communication beforehand when we were engaged, I'd probably break it off because that'd show me that we wouldn't be able to communicate effectively about tough topics when we're married.
100% this man is not mature enough for this woman or any marriage in my opinion..
Usually I agree. To be fair, those are pretty big bombs to drop.
😅😮😮
AGREED, oh my god I was dying inside through this entire story. I’m aromantic-asexual, so far from an expert in matters of the heart, but fr I hated Greg. He’s probably never faced any adversity in his life beyond hearing his parents arguing at conversational volume in the next room over 😤 those are always the judgiest people.
Not all of his questions were unreasonable, and I admit we’re only getting her side, and that she shouldn’t have kept all this from him… but the way she’s describing that “conversation,” that sounded like an interrogation. A post-ghost interrogation??? This is setting up SUCH a power imbalance and I hate it, I HATE IT!!! She’s out here trying to put the past in the past, and he’s not letting her… he said he didn’t know how strong he was, and I can answer that: he’s as strong as a single down feather. 😠
I’m so glad John brought up that she should have some self-respect 😭 girl you do not have to pretend you accomplished nothing for the sake of hanging onto this judgmental brat… and the Christian couples-counseling, UGH! And the insistence on telling her parents, UUUUGH!!! *And the mom acting like Greg is a saint for staying with their horrible ran-through daughter, aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh!!!* I hate it here 😔 and I hope she gets REAL therapy.
You should listen to the rest of the story.....
My cousin married an ex heroin addict. He's been clean for over 30 years. Recovery and sobriety are achievable!
@@lucyp1090 I am 10 years clean this year from the same thing. It can happen and it's amazing. We shouldn't have to live our entire lives telling people about the mistakes we made. That's not who we are anymore. If I told people about the things I did before I got clean that are COMPLETELY Irrelevant now I'd just be sabotaging my future. Who would want to do that? Leave that shit in the past. They aren't marrying the old you, they are marrying this version of you. I do believe there's exceptions to what I just said which is newly clean individuals should disclose that they are newly clean so that their partners are aware.
I'm sooo proud of OP! She is being so strong! I've been in recovery for 4 years and I understand how it's hard to open up to others about my past, especially to those we love and respect due to fear of rejection and abandonment. I truly hope you're doing well OP!!
I agree with Sam. And if he doesn’t like it. He’s not meant for you. Choose those who choose you no matter your past.
For real, personally id want to be with someone with the capacity to grow as a person. For her to be able to go through all of that and come out a better person is an incredible show of her character and strength.
Honestly other than the “ghosting” at the very start of the story (which sounds like it might not have been as bad as we initially thought) this whole story is so heartwarming and sweet and I’m so proud of them both
omg no, this guy is the absolute worst.
@@Morning4201someone got triggered and stopped listening to the story
OP has done the work to get and stay sober. I feel he's going to hear a lot about forgiveness and judgment when they go to get consulting. I can't even imagine how painful it had to be for OP to relive her past. I hope she does find the happiness she deserves, I don't even know her personally but I am so proud of her because so many never get to know who they are as a sober person. She's been sober for 6 years and chose to get sober.
This is the healthiest interaction between a couple I have ever heard about from a Reddit post.
I love how this ended. She was brave enough to tell him everything. Brave enough to tell her parents everything. He is brave enough to move forward, while still having his feelings. Maturity all around in a very unsure situation. He has preconceived ideas that he needs to work though, which is understandable. Having a brother who has fought many rounds of addiction, I can understand his apprehension, but the fact that he never tried to punish her, but needed to talk through it and give them both time to adjust to their new reality, is very promising. I hope that one day, we get an update where they did finally tie that knot and are both happy and healthy.
Nah this man isn’t for her.
She deserves someone who will love her truly inside and out. He is allowed to feel I feelings but it is his responsibility to figure that out within himself and not make it other people’s problems which it seems like he consistently did to his fiancé.
Also, huge red flag about him, not telling his parents about the wedding being off or switching date situation. She should’ve never apologized for that. That’s his responsibility not hers when it comes to his parents.
So is her being an ex stripper, prostitute drug addict and theif a redflag?
The last story needs to be turned into a movie 🥺😭
I just celebrated 6 years of sobriety. During that time in my life, I became someone I didn't even know. Once I started getting clean telling everyone close to me was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I'm proud of OP for telling him, and being willing to answer any questions/concerns he had.
I haven't heard the whole story yet but just wanted to chime in that I know a couple where the wife is aware of the husband's past drug history but he's been clean for 10 years and every year because of his job he gets tested anyways and he always shows that he's clean and they work together to have a strong relationship and trust each other. It can work out
People underestimate the strength of character it takes to become and stay sober.
I’m a recovering addict and one of the many things I love about my fiance is how he has never been afraid to love me. He knows about my past and he doesn’t care. A real man isn’t afraid of a woman’s past.
I really hate the way that op refers to her past, not so much in a mad her for talking that way, but like, it's heartbreaking. She calls her past disgusting says it's probably one of the worst things someone could ever learn about their partner. Op can recognize that her past isn't something shes proud of but that wording is unnecessarily cruel to herself. There are circumstances that got her to where she was. Addiction is a disease and it can lead to some intense things. But shes still a person, and its horribly demeaning to herself (not to mention other addicts and spicy sleep workers) to speak that way. I really think it would be good for her to give herself grace, to try and work past the shame and self hatred, and realize that she and many others in a similar place are just people.
(I also just don't like the way spicy sleep work is being so demonized and made to be such a horrific thing here. But ultimately thats just something I view very differently from op)
My goodness, what a rollercoaster of emotions. Really do hope her father learn to not blame himself for everything that happened.
I feel like asking for a number for spicy sleep is weird. Std tests is absolutely acceptable.
Yeah I found that werid other than the std and drug part. Like why does he need thst info if she's clean.
Yeah and he is also pretty obsessed with the amount of sex she had like that is pretty weird imo. I feel like that sort of mindset will be a constant issue he might bring up every time she does something wrong or stuff😅 and also that she had to answer all of his questions or he wouldn’t be able to stay with her.. I get wanting to know about it but it’s kinda manipulative to set it as a demand imo
This information is something she should have told before getting engaged. Addiction runs in my family. It's something that is not cured and a daily battle, not something you take on lightly. My mom dealt with my dad's alcoholism for 15 years before leaving and he ended up dying one. My brother is addicted to meth. It's not his fault for questioning marriage.
True but some people can manage better than others my dad only sober when broke mom 35+ years now they met at aa. My GM before she died @76 had not smoke for 20 years she started at 12(lung cancer). My cousin off the horse for 8 years got his first real job 2 years ago.
Communication and honest is extremely important in a relationship, but I would never pressure anyone to come clean to their parents about anything they are extremely uncomfortable thinking about especially if they are doing extremely well without telling them. Her fiance handled the conversation regarding his questions so well letter her know they could take a break or not answer them now and handled the situation where she told her parents so well signalling that she didn't have to do it nor that he wanted her to do it to get the heat off him where she chose to do it because she was finally okay talking about it and now she's working with her dad to understand that his choices were not responsible for what happened and to forgive himself as the last thing she wants is for him to hurt himself consciously or unconsciously.
Those questions are way too much, everyone has a past and of course your not going to enjoy thinking about your partner sleeping with other people but at the end of the day it doesn’t matter. And if he’s jealous and possessive then asking how many and if she used protection is not going to help, not to mention when he’s like if you’ll be tested in future he’s basically accusing her of going to cheat
If she has slept with over three men then her DNA is forever tainted, making her unable to pair bonding with one partner. We hear "I love you but not in love with you" crap due to this or feeling like she's cheating on the affair partner when she sleeps with hubby because in the moment the affair partner's DNA is more dominant. The research on this is clear and repeated with even more convictions the second time.
Nah, some std's don't show up for year's. Like HIV and herpes for example.
I am so glad I've been open with my past. Nothing this bad, just a bunch of trauma and horrible manipulation from ex.. that i regret my actions. No questions, just a lot of him hurting and being very protective of me. Im ashamed of some of the stuff my ex put me through (mainly him pimping me out to his friends for drugs).
He has absolutely been so sweet. Nobody in my life has treated me better than him. Including family.
Woooowwww, Sam you made me cry! I saw you holding that up. Subbing here
How hard is it to just idk BE HAPPY YOUR FIANCÉ HAS COME SO FAR I’d be leaving him as he feels too judgmental and will more than likely hold this over your head the whole relationship
My boyfriend is a former meth addict. He's been clean for 22 years. It's one of the first conversations we ever had before we even dated when we were just neighbors. If he'd kept that from me and I found out later, I don't know that I would have been as ok with it as I am now. It was a problem he had as a teenager and young adult partly because of the people he was around. Going to rehab and moving away from those people helped him fix the problem.
I cried
Oh girl, please do not put yourself down like this and be willing to be mistreated just to be forgiven and continue on with the relationship. You pulled yourself from that hell and changed. That takes a lot of courage and strength. Sure OP should have been honest from near the beginning, but now you are being honest. The sexual background questions should have been asked on the second or third date, and I really hope she asked him all the same questions back.
In a lot of ways this guy is a red flag. Something about him is rubbing me the wrong way. It was apparent he is trying to emotionally control OP, even before she admitted her past, and I am glad he realized it. The only thing she did wrong to him was to keep her past secret, and now he is punishing her and she had to grovel when really he should have started out apologizing to her for taking so long to get his wits together and for ghosting her like that. Ignoring someone like that is considered abuse. Honestly, I can think of many other things people have done that is much worse and is real grounds for forced singleship, and OP is not one of those people.
I did not see them really sit down, say their opinions, and then make a decisions together. They are not a partnership yet, and I am glad they are getting couples therapy at least.
To any parents who kick their kids out, especially for doing drugs and stealing, do it with the expectation that your child will be doing illegal and desperate stuff to survive. I can understand there is a line where you can not help them anymore and kicking them out is the only option, but know that unless they have a job and somewhere else to go there is no other options for them. I honestly do not understand why her parents are so surprised when OP told them about her past. Where did they think she was all that time she was away?
Sure, OP keeping her past a secret was a bad thing, but her past was not the real reason the wedding was put on hold, the real reason was he needed to overcome his own personal demons and issues! They could and should have just told people that they realized some things they needed to work through in couples therapy, and they are just putting things on hold for now. When pushed just say it is private.
The story made me cry
29:39 thank you for this comment. You have no idea how much that means to so many of us. ❤️❤️❤️
I think personal therapy away from a religious institution would do wonders!
Does ICU, aside from "I see you," mean "I see what's coming up?"
It’s kinda like, “I see you,” to the writer/other readers of the story. Like you’re on the same wavelength.
Yeah something like that like you see what's coming next
I interpreted it as “I see what you’re doing.” Kinda both.
From my experience, the love you experience inside a religion is completely conditional. OP should learn that sooner rather than later.
I would assume no man would be okay with the sex work, regardless. But hopefully for OP this all works out.
Wow! What a story! Thank you for sharing.
42:20 😭 I cried 😢
I think you missed the part that he asked that she have STI tests in the future at his request, if he doesn't trust her why is he with her? Her past doesn't mean she's automatically going to cheat on him and it was leaning into that.
They need both individual and couples therapy. He needs to work through some of this so he doesn't hurt her in the future. And for OP to work through how she feels about all of this.
I’m a recovering addict and while I understand her not telling him right away my current bf and I have been together almost 3.5 years we have 1 son together (just turned 1 a week ago) and I’m pregnant with our second and I told him about my past with using the day we met (he gave me a ride home from work so I bought him lunch) and in our relationship I’ve using a few times before I got pregnant with our first child together and I recently just told him about all the times I actually used during our relationship 🤦🏽♀️ didn’t go well but we’re working on it
I wouldn’t be thrilled that my kids would have a substance issue or spicy sleep work to get by. But my babies are my babies. If I was her mom in that situation when she found out about spicy sleep work, my heart would break. I would probably hug and cry with her for an entire day. The mom almost seems mad at her for that, not sad.
I don't know guys... I don't like all the people that op has around. Now she has to prove herself for the rest of her life? She has to demonstrate to him that she is worth it? No, a partner should be compassionate and kind. He is weaponizing her trauma against her. Her mom thanked him for being so kind to keep her? No, absolutely not. Prevorce!
I would be so upset if my BF revealed something so big like that a YEAR in. If it was a couple months that would be a different story. If a person basically lied to you for a year and you decided it was off, that’s a lot of time wasted. It might not be about the hidden lie, it’s the deception.
I wouldn't call it a lie, she never denied it, it was something never brought up.
I love this 🥹
Understand it takes time to process this, but he did overreact in some places. Like i agree on him asking about drugs and stealing and tested for STDs. But the number of questions ge asked about her past sex life was just weird. He was insecure about that. I like to hope it could work out.
And no, the parents don't need to know more past the addiction and stealing. The sewlx wirk was done for an addiction she doesn't need to be more shamed. Good luck to OP.
I think he is overreacting and it is disappointing. He would have ended the relationship if it had been discussed earlier in the relationship. If she met him at church he should know that people make mistakes and can be changed in miraculous ways by Christ's love. Then he is asking her to lie to people.
It is disappointing but again he is still human and everybody is at a different level in Christ. At least he took the time to compose himself and took accountability for the un-Christ likeness in his response. I think they both need intense premarital counseling where a pastor can address his irrational fears and and help give him perspective. He seems to have a lot of preconceived notions about others who have had a different life experience than him.
4:55 mark:
Sam: Not that he should have a problem [her past] with that.
Eh, I don’t think that that should be such a cut and dry response like that. If you have a bit of a messy past, I think people are allowed to draw their lines wherever they see fit. There’s a multitude of reasons someone could not want to be in a relationship with someone. It could simply be religious, it could be morals, they themselves could be struggling with recovery, they could be someone who they know they’re a people pleaser and have a hard time setting boundaries and they would be afraid of enabling someone who may fall off the recovery path, they may simply just not wanna deal with that much baggage in someone’s past. There’s lots of reasons, and a blanket statement of someone should not have a problem with someone else’s past is a bit too much of an absolute statement.
Edit to add: Yea, that’s definitely *_WAY TOO MUCH INFORMATION TO LEAVE OUT._* I forgot she did prostitution. A drug addiction is one thing, but when your past is *_COMPLETELY_* different from who you are now and your sexual past is now a major contributing factor to someone’s decision making, you can’t hide that because that kind of a sexual past can fundamentally alter someone’s view on someone else.
Withholding information, otherwise lying by omission is:
1. Still a lie
2. Robbing someone’s ability of informed consent. If you have information that is a dealbreaker that you withhold, you’re stealing someone’s ability to make an informed decision on potential dating prospects.
7:45 mark:
I was trying to empathize with her and was thinking maybe they could get pass the drug addiction recovery journey she’s on, but I *_COMPLETELY_* forgot about the stripping and being a prostitute. You’re asking *_A LOT_* of someone to accept *_AAAALLLLLLL_* that baggage.
Yea, let’s not treat the fact that she was a prostitute for drug money like it can be swept under the rug. I think that’s probably a bigger deal breaker than the drug addiction tbh. And to not tell him is lying.
9:10 mark:
Sam, I can’t agree with you there. I don’t think it’s douchey “to ghost” because put yourself in this guy’s shoes. Your fiancée has sold you for a year plus on this image of a good Christian girl. You as her fiancée are probably thinking of her as having a similar upbringing to you. Then out of *_NOWHERE_* she drops a bomb on you that she’s a recovering drug addict, she was a stripper, a prostitute, and OD’d and had to have her life saved and she *NEVER* told you. Suddenly she drops a *NUKE* of a truth bomb on you. The amount of processing you have to do, the amount of conflicting and confusing emotions you have, the fact that you have to get yourself STD tested, the fact that your fiancée was lying by omission for a *YEAR.*
You guys are so busy feeling bad for OP and treating her like a victim, lauding her for her doing the right thing by telling the truth when she’s *NOT* the victim, when doing the right thing shouldn’t be something you get praised for. She’s not some innocent party who’s simply having to deal with these things blindsiding her out of nowhere. She had this past and lied for a year about it by not telling him. She’s not the victim in this, but she’s not a bad person either, but she’s not the one who’s been wronged in this situation. The fiancée is tbh. He’s reacting to her lying, not suddenly hurting her completely unprompted.
It's all her fault this is something that should have been talked about before they ever got engaged before that they should have known each other's lives frontwords and backwards I got a lot of family that are drug addicts and it wouldn't have been a big deal had I known before the engagement but afterwards it would have been over
Why on earth dod she say my mother's mother?! Just say Grandma!🤦♀️
She mentioned both sets of grandparents were there, she was just distinguishing. She said my mothers mother & then continued with saying grandma 😏 lol
na f that shit, what I did in my past is none your business or who it was with , telling him so he knows the basic s is smart, but all that shit ain't anything but a fight in the future, ya aint got no court cases, no kids or diseases from ya past them the past is the past and should stay as such and if he cant handle that then c ya
No not right to tell her to tell parents that is her private business between her and God
I feel your past is your business and none of anyone’s business, people can be cruel in the heat of an argument and thrown in your face. His mind is too blown thinking and imaging of what you did even though it’s been several years ago and not who you are now. It’s ok to keep things private
If anyone throws your past in your face during an argument, you shouldn't be with that person.
Personally, I think a happy strong marriage is not keeping secrets even about your past. I mean, that's your partner. If you think it's none of anyone's business maybe you should really consider why you're with that person.
Potential spouses should know everything about you. You need to know the whole person before making a life altering decision. Others, they get what you feel like giving and that’s ok.
It may be several years for her, but this is fresh news to him. People can have morals and not want to deal with others baggage. If she wants to have a marriage, she will need to disclose her past with her partner. Or else when he finds out he will definitely leave her.
2 Cor 5 ; 17❤
😭😭😭😭
23:20 I do feel the ex fiance is handling this information relatively well, maybe I am just used to people having complex or traumatic histories but he seems to be coming from a place of judgment and I especially see that in the questions he asked. For example asking if she always used protection doesnt seem like the most respectful or constructive question to focus on. I hope he figures his shit out or that she finds someone who loves her enough to see past her addiction and accompanying bad decisions.
You don't think it's a valid question, hep b hep c, herpes, aids the list goes on and on, come on unprotected sex as a prostitute. Seems like a pretty sensible question
It is okay not to tell your partner everything, they don’t need to know everything about your past as you only share your present and plan for the future. Specially when it comes to number of partners you’ve had.
If I was OP I would make a choice to absolutely leave my past behind and not tell my partner. Specially because Op’s past is a huge red flag- despite of where she is now. Christians love to go around “saving” people but will always see them as dirty.
Op’s boyfriend went to talk to his family about it and they deff told him to reconsider marriage and to see if he was truly okay with marrying a substance afflicted spicy smex worker who’s family cut her off and she just literally didn’t stop until she almost died, all week he has been picturing her doped up and sleeping around doing anything for a fix, and that will break your heart. Anyone who has ever loved an adict might advise him to leave, heck i’ve met wonderful people who tell me they used to shoot up and thats the last time I see them. But OP’s boyfriend with all the questions- thats the sign that he doesn’t love her enough.
He said he was possessive and didn’t even know how deep it went, he asked her for her body count, and a slew of disrespectful questions you don’t ask.
He could not accept her past, he does love her so she got downgraded to GF while he waits to meet his wife. Also know his family is definitely going to play a bigger role in getting OP replaced.
Did OP ask any questions? Like “do you still see me as me, or do you think im a lying dirty hooker? Im still the girl you met in church, the girl who had the strength to listen to a pastor trying to tell her there is more to life than the hell hole she had yeeted herself into.
For relevant:
My mom and dad were super christian, and raised me to believe in abstinence until marriage.
When I was 17 they went thru my macbook and saw spicy texts between my bf and I and discovered we were being intimate.
They blew up and kicked me out a few weeks before I turned 18.
I went no contact until I was 22, when we met up for my mom to tell me something important.
She told me that her and my dad didn’t wait until marriage to be spicy, and that she had actually been engaged before.
After a lifetime of being sold the “made for each other and we waited” lie, i saw my mom weird picturing her with another man. And definitely still resent my parents for everything they called me (slurs) and how they kicked me out- to stand up for their lie.
I was now privy to the real life of my mom and dad. Of my dad’s jelousy towards my moms ex- who she dumped to run away with my dad for 😮
How he wanted me and my brother dna tested. How my dads fam thought I wasn’t my dads kid(we r identical ffs)
All the times my dad told me my worth was tied to the amount of men i slept with, was a slap in the face to my mom who stood there nodding and agreeing pretending she had been a virgin when they married. I knew in retrospect, every slur my dad called me, was a slur my mom dealt with in their private life. All because he was so christian and can’t see her as not clean.
(Imagine if my mom was a hooker with substance probs lol my dad would explode- like how Ops boyfriend had to take a step back and look at his open can of worms that is misogynistic church principals. )
They have been together for 30 years now. They do love each other. Its not easy to be with someone.
ALSO my dad wasn’t a virgin- so it is really rich how hypocritical christians can be
Anyways the point of that is not the lying part that they did to me;
But the way my dad sees my mom. When I talked to my mom she broke down crying begging me, pleading me not to make the same mistake she made, which was being completely honest and answering all his questions.
At the time he was adamant that he loved her and wanted to be with her, but he has spent the last 30 years using her own words of her past to tear her down.
Like she will be like “i want to have a taco.”
And he will rage about how if she loves mexican food so much she should go back to her ex from 30+ years ago. So nothing from mexico is allowed in our house- we are latinos!!!!! Thats crazy lol
I can see OP’s BF doing something similar. Like if Op gets a poppy seed bagel on one of her BF’s bad days and he’s like
OFCOURSE HOW DID I MISS IT SHE OBVIOUSLY WANTS MORE RUGS!! And his family being like “yeah we told u to be careful”
It's a thing of the past and why you need to tell someone
The problem that I’m seeing is that if OP was a guy that this the sexual activity wouldn’t be batting anyone’s eye. I’ve been a part of church my whole life and I still see inequities between men and women in regard to promiscuity outside of marriage. The dude is 100% insecure, guaranteed if the roles were reversed that there’d be no issues.
It wasn't just the sexual activity but it plus the drug use. The fact he asked a lot of std and testing points to that also being a big point.
Honestly it doesn't matter and sadly man care more about a woman's past. And that would probably never change. Everybody has their own standards. And it's not my fault that women aren't as crucial about a man's past. For me it would bother me. And titled to a relationship maybe be more forthcoming
@jessig.6791 asking about std sure but how many she screwed was werid. Thecdrug question were needed and the stealing one. But the amount of questions about the swx were werid beyond have you been tested
@@TheCoolmaster131i don’t want community dip stick. It implies to me that you think women are play things. Does not bode well for how you will respect me in the future.
There’s plenty of religious women who wouldn’t want that either. I wouldn’t myself. The only exception would be explicit honesty early on and if the relationship was good I’d give it a chance.
I would never date someone who did spicy stuff even in their past. That's actually very disgusting 🤢
I don't like this guy at all
I lost all respect for sam what a loser he relates so much too this guy in the story sorry the guy is a complete trash he shouldn't judge her that much about her past 7 days with no communication just because 6 years ago she was addicted to drugs SEVEN DAYS THATS A RED FLAG op needs to run feom this relationship this guy is insecure and controlling
Dude wtf.... It's like you didn't even listen to the story.
Someone has selective hearing
First
How fun
Dang it lol
1st OPs fiancé is garbage.
"Christian" - of course.
If Sam is so honest why is he single
Wtf kind of weird comment to make.
From personal experience people get freaked out by it. You just have to find the right people who want that kind of honesty at the beginning.
Simple, because he does not want to waste time with liars.