Surprise Surprise

Based on true events (but with a fantasy ending) this tells the story of the entrapment someone dear to my heart suffered at the hands of a spider woman. The narrator is the female in question and she did actually say most of what she is reported as saying here.
LYRICS & CHORDS
(G) Surprise, surprise!
You can't be(C)lieve your (G) eyes
What an unexpected transfor(F)mati(G)on
Surprise, surprise
Our bond was (C) based on (G) lies
Not on a solid foun(F)dati(G)on
I (C) planned this venture (F) from the (C) start
You jumped with both feet
With a (G) tremulous (C) heart
I gave you my body
Pre(F)tended to (C) care
It was part of my plan
You walked (G) into my (C) lair
CHORUS
You (C) really were (F) taken (C) in
Using you, to me (G) was no (C) sin
I got a ring on my finger
And the (F) papers of (C) course
And if you want shut
We will (G) have to di(C)vorce
CHORUS
 
BRIDGE
(Am) Half the estate will (F) be my due
(Am) That was the plan if you (F) only knew
I was (Am) looking out for (F) number one
You (G) fell for all of the lies I spun
(C) No use wailing and (F) losing (C) sleep
You lost the game
You pa(G)thetic (C) creep
You'll sleep in the spare room
(F) From now (C) on
Oh Christ, I never knew
You (G) had a (C) gun!

[@kolibriuker1297]

Excellent song and performance!

[@bobjking]

Yeah! That comes stomping out of the gate and never lets up all the way to that incredible ending! I never realised you could act as well as write, play and sing!
Brilliant, Berni!

[@berniarmstrong]

Ah Bob, I was an actor for many years in the UK.
It's good grounding for a teacher!

[@Bystander929]

Good one Cilla, rocks along very nicely.

[@berniarmstrong]

LOL luv!

[@boweewowee]

Ouch…I too am glad I didn’t get this kinda marriage! As always, excellent stuff sir! Thank you so much for penning one for the week.
The end was HILARIOUS😂

[@berniarmstrong]

I bet my Dad wished he could have ended things that way too!

[@piekia]

I love that hat! And the song!! And the bloody awesome performance!!!😂

[@piekia]

Back for another listen! This is brilliant!!! I like to sing/listen to upbeat sounding songs like yours here about the vilest things and it always make me feel better afterwards. I don't think your toy gun is loaded, Sir.😂

[@berniarmstrong]

@@piekia It's really an electric string winder for guitar and ukulele strings. Shh... Don't tell anyone.

[@piekia]

@@berniarmstrong 😆

[@PGUke]

Ha ha, I know there’s a serious point to this song Berni, but as a performance, it’s a lot of fun 😅

[@berniarmstrong]

I like to do fun songs with hard hitting lyrics 😜

[@AndrewMorsePDX]

Sadly the modern day equivalent doesn’t even require the matrimony, just a lonely heart and an online “pig butchering” scam. Poor fellow. Nice one Bernie.

[@berniarmstrong]

Thanks. The spider woman is still alive at 101 AFAIK

[@limousinlil]

NICE HAT, BERNI! (And what a lovely, vengeful song!)

[@berniarmstrong]

I bet my Dad wished he could have carried out those shots for real and gotten away with it. I know I do 😉

[@nadinedemacedo]

Oh Berni... As funny this song sounds musically, the lyrics dive into a very serious topic. Too many weird people around

[@berniarmstrong]

Yes, this actually happened to my Dad! He refused to divorce her and spent the last years of his life in a miserable place! She then challenged his will, despite having the right to live rent free in my Dad's house. I ended up losing half what he left me. She is still alive at 101! The devil looks after his own!

[@nadinedemacedo]

@@berniarmstrong I'm so sorry to read this :(

[@michaelhermiston]

what a terrible web of deceit you spin...you can write 'em Berni!!!!🤣🔫

[@berniarmstrong]

Thanks Micheal, in this case it's only the ending that was fantasy, the rest actually happened to my poor Dad.
At the last count his widow is still alive at 101! The devil truly looks after his own!

[@michaelhermiston]

@@berniarmstrong 😳