I think a lot of people think they could get you as their therapist, nevermind reading an email 😅. I think it's fair and square how you prioritise the emails. Thank you for letting us know you appreciate us regardless 😊!
lol dr Honda several of your recent episodes have really helped me with our parasocial relationship injuries (made a similar comment on a LIB video). Not gonna lie, I’ve felt a little butthurt when you have ignored some of my emails despite being a patron (even one where I pathetically offered $$$ to have lunch with you)😂 hearing you discuss your quantity of emails at the end of this made me finally give up on the hope of a reply BUT ALSO develop empathy and understanding that you are doing the best you can. We good bro
Absolutely, my experience with bpd is that patients suffering from it are usually relieved to have a label and concept to why they feel or react to things the way they do. And also to know there's a treatment for it. So no, we do not need to get rid of personality disorders.
It's the same with all disorders. Therapists who believe diagnoses are always harmful don't know what they're talking about. It's for me to decide if a label is going to be harmful or not, thanks.
The trope therapists use, mine included, about needing to be secure with myself before being with someone else, is why I lost my sh*t on her. I'm absolutely sick of hearing this. I have spent YEARS working on self-improvement and if you compared me now vs. 5 years ago, the change is quite drastic and feel mildly embarrassed over how insecure I used to be. It doesn't make me feel any less lonely. I'm not sure that feeling will ever go away. So I definitely relate to that patron's email about wanting that corrective experience in depending on another person. All I have ever done is depend on me. It gets exhausting. Oh well, I guess? All we can do is see it through.
8:49 After having severe postpartum depression, rage, and anxiety I feel like I see moms who kill their babies a bit differently than I did prior to my postpartum psychiatric issues. And finding doctors or therapists highly trained in PPD/A is very difficult. I believe it was in the year I delivered that psychologists had added PP rage as a symptom of PPD. Thankfully at some point while I was drowning in my PPD/A I found articles about PP rage and it really helped me realize I did have PPD. It was later that I learned I also had postpartum anxiety, which is extremely different than normal anxiety, which I also have. I was literally scared to walk into my kitchen because I thought if I did the kitchen knives would fly across the room and kill my baby. I haven’t researched moms who kill their babies at all, except for hearing cases highlighted by national news in the past… anyway I guess I’m just posting this because postpartum depression, rage, anxiety, and psychosis are all serious, unpredictable phenomena that are not just under diagnosed, but not something that most professionals you “think” would have knowledge about actually have knowledge about it. Along with women having higher rates of health symptoms dismissed by doctors, women also have a severe lack of true postpartum care and awareness in the US. I guess I wonder how many moms who kill or attempt to kill their baby are suffering from undiagnosed/untreated postpartum psychosis, rage, depression, or anxiety? I get you used a random example, but having attempted to navigate the limited world of postpartum medical and psychological care I just feel very passionate about shining light on this issue.
Oh my gosh, I'm so so so sorry you felt this way for even one single minute of your life!!! That anxiety, fear, rage, NOT your fault, and that's horrible for you. I'm so glad you're doing okay (assuming Im reading this right? I sure hope so) and are all safe and sound. And I'm just so sorry you had to suffer. I wish this whole world had way better resources for people who are going through this type of thing, esp if you live in a place in the world that doesn't have super comprehensive, efficient, and FREE heal care. Proud of you, (even though I recognize that I am a stranger), for recognizing that you were suffering and struggling, that's already a huge step is decreasing risks for you and kiddo, and I hope you have a ton of support around to help you with this parenting process. We all deserve so much help. You are no exception. Best wishes, thanks so much for sharing. I might show this to a sibling because it could help her feel normal for having a somewhat similar exp.
@@PenelopeAstony thanks! I’m doing well! I like to share my story because women do not get comprehensive postpartum care in the US, and that includes the mental health care aspect. For example, when you’re pregnant and postpartum your primary doctor is your OBGYN, but they aren’t trained psychiatrists/therapists. And even trained psychiatrists/therapists aren’t familiar with postpartum depression and anxiety. So finding a specialist who isn’t going to diminish your symptoms, and even better empower you to get better, is extremely difficult. Where I live most the postpartum therapy is provided by specialists who don’t even take insurance so it’s extremely expensive! I’m privileged to have been able to afford some therapy and have the resources to seek out proper help. So many women don’t have the money to afford these services or don’t even know these things exist! Not to mention the whole social stigma and misunderstanding of what PPD even is. My family is extremely insensitive. In addition to some fairly scary PPD I also had PP rage. Which is a horrible experience! I opened up to my mom and her response was “you’re exaggerating things and if you keep being so angry your husband is going to divorce you.” 🤦🏻♀️ Again, thankfully I found resources. But main point, our health care system sucks! And women are not supported properly when we have kids. And that’s not even discussing how about 13-15 states at this time offer any paid paternity leave, with the most being around 4 months. Versus every other developed nation who offers an average of a year with lots of postpartum help.
Schema Therapist here. (And a hapa, too!) Sometimes I use "parts" instead of "modes" because it's easier to understand, which is one reason why I think IFS has taken the mental health field by storm - the language of the concept is easily grasped and feels natural. At the same time, I have also found the theory incoherent with itself and mis-matched to the existing research rooted in other modalities. That being said, I support whatever works for peeps.
When I become distressed at the idea of silence, I let it happen. I actively choose to be connected more with myself and my surroundings than distracted by constant music or podcasts. It is bad enough that I struggle to get out of my head and connect as it is. I think that by distracting myself I'm just weakening the skills required to be self-aware and present. It feels like, in a way, to be absorbed by technology, or to become a zombie.
Lawyer chiming in here; at 10:00 Dr. Honda discusses what I see as a rather wild journal theory that filicide could be defended against by talking about an instinct in response to resource scarcity. Thankfully, this does not hold water in most (or any, in my experience) courts. I think non lawyers may sometimes think the insanity defense is widely used, but this is not the case. The insanity defense is used in less than 1% of all court cases and, when used, has only a 26% success rate. So most defense attorneys don't want to touch that defense and use it only as a hail Mary. Generally diagnosis with a psychological disorder is successful to negate mens rea only when the disorder makes it impossible for the perpetrator to perceive reality or know what they are doing at the time is wrong (this is the M'Naghten defense, used by most jurisdictions), like schizophrenia, Dissociative Identity Disorder, severe bipolar resulting in hallucinations, extreme PTSD, some forms of dementia. I have never seen a Cluster B personality disorder diagnosis alone be used successfully to get an acquittal by reason of insanity, or even to really help much in sentencing (though defense attorneys will certainly try!). If there is any evidence of a cover-up or an attempt to hide or escape, it is apparent that the defendant knew the difference between right and wrong, defeating the insanity defense, and that is usually present with Cluster B individuals, I would assume with sadistic personality types as well. I just want the general public to know that the expanding legitimization of the psychology field does NOT mean it will be easier for criminals to 'get away with it'!
Your example of recycling revealed the difference in our cultural pockets. I thought you were referring to the low proportion of recyclable materials that actually gets recycled. When you look at the cascade of waste management it's really unimpressive, some estimates have total plastics recycled as low as 10 percent. This is my concern, especially considering that the messaging around recycling has created broad social acceptance of single use plastics- whereas humanity could have ditched single use plastics long ago if not for growing social and municipal support and subsidization of the plastics supply in the form of municipal and privatized recycling industries and large scale pro-recycling public messaging (arguably neolib eco propaganda). But you were actually coming from the perspective that recycling is good but some people think that recycling entirely fulfills their duty to the environment . This is a point to which I'm rather sympathetic but I find it less resonant on the analysis because of my broader concerns about recycling itself. But... Funny how different these ideas are, yet they both serve your purpose of a metaphor to look at the merry go round of choosing not-yet-stigmatized language to refer to perpetually stigmatized groups... Funny how I could have tracked your example and gotten the impression we have similar narratives about recycling when in fact we prob have pretty different narratives...food for thought
I really enjoy IFS for understanding myself, as someone who has struggled to understand the extremely dynamic personality, intense and all over the place experiences, being pulled from culture to culture, and lack of sense of self I had until I was like 24 or 25. (I'm age 30 now) However, the only people Ive ever known who have *actually needed* to connect to their "internal family" are my 2 friends with D.I.D., and that's it. (also they tend to refer to them as alters, not internal family from my experience, and from what my friends have shared with me.) That's because those schemas -correct me if I'm wrong- are pretty built in, and aren't voluntary at all. (This is at least how my friends describe it, FULLY take this with a grain of salt. They don't decide as the host to call a certain member of their system of identities, they tend to show up as individuals in the host position when they feel like someone in particular is needed for whatever coping technique is needed.) IFS is all up to me as someone without DID. I have a name for my middle aged alcoholic system member, my very young child member with PTSD and developing pre-occupied attachment, my middle/late teen and people pleaser, a few others. They mostly have names, all have clothing styles, personalities, tastes and backgrounds, and it's all made up, but just comes naturally. Not a schema tho, like Kirk was saying; it was voluntary, and a creatively enjoyable task that I continue as I learn more about myself. (Or ourselves, if you include my inner fam.)
Can someone explain, why Kirk says it‘s not backed up by science that you should/could reparent the part that is longing for connection? - I thought that’s what the whole inner child/ifs work is about, building the attachment within you that you were missing as a child… 🤔
Maybe because of the trend of trying to legitimize certain therapeutic models as 'evidence based.' Some models won't ever be evidence based because there is no good way of doing testing/proving them. Psych has limitations because the parameters are squishy and so much of the outcome of therapy is based on the subjective perspectives of the client and the therapist. If i go through a type of therapy and then am asked 'Did that help? Do you feel better?' And I say, 'yes'...what does that mean? Did the therapy work? Or just part of it? Did i change my diet, homelife, work, sickness...did i just feel better from having been listened to and validated by a therapist I really clicked with???? Will the next client feel the same? Did the therapist say exactly the same things to everyone? Etc. It cannot be proven by scientific methods. There are too many variables. CBT and DBT are said to be evidence based.
@@tmtb80 hm, I kinda got the feeling that he was appalled by the whole approach… not in an empiric way but as in no therapist should ever do that… as if it would be harmful to look inwards, when notice an enhanced longing for connection.
IFS sounds kind of like the clinicalization of the common refrain 'work on yourself first' or the adage, 'you must love yourself first before you can love others.' It's actually shocking how many people think that a baseline level of secure attachment can somehow only be developed by attaching with your 'inner self,' even if they logically know that one's family systems can cause their schemas to be distorted. By their logic, babies in the earliest stages of development must be the most securely attached individuals in the world, which is obviously ridiculous. On parents having children to fulfill their attachment needs, I used to be more of the thought that parents should only have children when they're absolutely ready and prepared to sacrifice almost all of themselves to their children. Then I eventually thought about it more and realized that parents grieve when their children die or disappear, and feel pride when their children accomplish something or do something good. None of which we would think of as being selfish. But would it be fair to say that some element to being an attuned parent requires maybe an attachment need in which other people _need_ _you,_ like what we would expect for most all children?
I think a lot of people think they could get you as their therapist, nevermind reading an email 😅. I think it's fair and square how you prioritise the emails. Thank you for letting us know you appreciate us regardless 😊!
lol dr Honda several of your recent episodes have really helped me with our parasocial relationship injuries (made a similar comment on a LIB video). Not gonna lie, I’ve felt a little butthurt when you have ignored some of my emails despite being a patron (even one where I pathetically offered $$$ to have lunch with you)😂 hearing you discuss your quantity of emails at the end of this made me finally give up on the hope of a reply BUT ALSO develop empathy and understanding that you are doing the best you can. We good bro
I have often fantasized about having a coffee with him and picking his brain, so you're not alone!! lol.
Great episode and patrons! They asked a few questions that I personally had as well.
Absolutely, my experience with bpd is that patients suffering from it are usually relieved to have a label and concept to why they feel or react to things the way they do. And also to know there's a treatment for it. So no, we do not need to get rid of personality disorders.
I've heard similar stories of schizotypal peeps. The relief of the confusion.
It's the same with all disorders. Therapists who believe diagnoses are always harmful don't know what they're talking about. It's for me to decide if a label is going to be harmful or not, thanks.
The trope therapists use, mine included, about needing to be secure with myself before being with someone else, is why I lost my sh*t on her. I'm absolutely sick of hearing this. I have spent YEARS working on self-improvement and if you compared me now vs. 5 years ago, the change is quite drastic and feel mildly embarrassed over how insecure I used to be. It doesn't make me feel any less lonely. I'm not sure that feeling will ever go away. So I definitely relate to that patron's email about wanting that corrective experience in depending on another person. All I have ever done is depend on me. It gets exhausting. Oh well, I guess? All we can do is see it through.
8:49 After having severe postpartum depression, rage, and anxiety I feel like I see moms who kill their babies a bit differently than I did prior to my postpartum psychiatric issues. And finding doctors or therapists highly trained in PPD/A is very difficult. I believe it was in the year I delivered that psychologists had added PP rage as a symptom of PPD. Thankfully at some point while I was drowning in my PPD/A I found articles about PP rage and it really helped me realize I did have PPD. It was later that I learned I also had postpartum anxiety, which is extremely different than normal anxiety, which I also have. I was literally scared to walk into my kitchen because I thought if I did the kitchen knives would fly across the room and kill my baby. I haven’t researched moms who kill their babies at all, except for hearing cases highlighted by national news in the past… anyway I guess I’m just posting this because postpartum depression, rage, anxiety, and psychosis are all serious, unpredictable phenomena that are not just under diagnosed, but not something that most professionals you “think” would have knowledge about actually have knowledge about it. Along with women having higher rates of health symptoms dismissed by doctors, women also have a severe lack of true postpartum care and awareness in the US. I guess I wonder how many moms who kill or attempt to kill their baby are suffering from undiagnosed/untreated postpartum psychosis, rage, depression, or anxiety? I get you used a random example, but having attempted to navigate the limited world of postpartum medical and psychological care I just feel very passionate about shining light on this issue.
Oh my gosh, I'm so so so sorry you felt this way for even one single minute of your life!!! That anxiety, fear, rage, NOT your fault, and that's horrible for you. I'm so glad you're doing okay (assuming Im reading this right? I sure hope so) and are all safe and sound. And I'm just so sorry you had to suffer. I wish this whole world had way better resources for people who are going through this type of thing, esp if you live in a place in the world that doesn't have super comprehensive, efficient, and FREE heal care.
Proud of you, (even though I recognize that I am a stranger), for recognizing that you were suffering and struggling, that's already a huge step is decreasing risks for you and kiddo, and I hope you have a ton of support around to help you with this parenting process. We all deserve so much help. You are no exception.
Best wishes, thanks so much for sharing. I might show this to a sibling because it could help her feel normal for having a somewhat similar exp.
@@PenelopeAstony thanks! I’m doing well! I like to share my story because women do not get comprehensive postpartum care in the US, and that includes the mental health care aspect. For example, when you’re pregnant and postpartum your primary doctor is your OBGYN, but they aren’t trained psychiatrists/therapists. And even trained psychiatrists/therapists aren’t familiar with postpartum depression and anxiety. So finding a specialist who isn’t going to diminish your symptoms, and even better empower you to get better, is extremely difficult. Where I live most the postpartum therapy is provided by specialists who don’t even take insurance so it’s extremely expensive! I’m privileged to have been able to afford some therapy and have the resources to seek out proper help. So many women don’t have the money to afford these services or don’t even know these things exist! Not to mention the whole social stigma and misunderstanding of what PPD even is. My family is extremely insensitive. In addition to some fairly scary PPD I also had PP rage. Which is a horrible experience! I opened up to my mom and her response was “you’re exaggerating things and if you keep being so angry your husband is going to divorce you.” 🤦🏻♀️ Again, thankfully I found resources. But main point, our health care system sucks! And women are not supported properly when we have kids. And that’s not even discussing how about 13-15 states at this time offer any paid paternity leave, with the most being around 4 months. Versus every other developed nation who offers an average of a year with lots of postpartum help.
Schema Therapist here. (And a hapa, too!) Sometimes I use "parts" instead of "modes" because it's easier to understand, which is one reason why I think IFS has taken the mental health field by storm - the language of the concept is easily grasped and feels natural. At the same time, I have also found the theory incoherent with itself and mis-matched to the existing research rooted in other modalities. That being said, I support whatever works for peeps.
When I become distressed at the idea of silence, I let it happen. I actively choose to be connected more with myself and my surroundings than distracted by constant music or podcasts. It is bad enough that I struggle to get out of my head and connect as it is. I think that by distracting myself I'm just weakening the skills required to be self-aware and present. It feels like, in a way, to be absorbed by technology, or to become a zombie.
Lawyer chiming in here; at 10:00 Dr. Honda discusses what I see as a rather wild journal theory that filicide could be defended against by talking about an instinct in response to resource scarcity. Thankfully, this does not hold water in most (or any, in my experience) courts. I think non lawyers may sometimes think the insanity defense is widely used, but this is not the case. The insanity defense is used in less than 1% of all court cases and, when used, has only a 26% success rate. So most defense attorneys don't want to touch that defense and use it only as a hail Mary. Generally diagnosis with a psychological disorder is successful to negate mens rea only when the disorder makes it impossible for the perpetrator to perceive reality or know what they are doing at the time is wrong (this is the M'Naghten defense, used by most jurisdictions), like schizophrenia, Dissociative Identity Disorder, severe bipolar resulting in hallucinations, extreme PTSD, some forms of dementia. I have never seen a Cluster B personality disorder diagnosis alone be used successfully to get an acquittal by reason of insanity, or even to really help much in sentencing (though defense attorneys will certainly try!). If there is any evidence of a cover-up or an attempt to hide or escape, it is apparent that the defendant knew the difference between right and wrong, defeating the insanity defense, and that is usually present with Cluster B individuals, I would assume with sadistic personality types as well. I just want the general public to know that the expanding legitimization of the psychology field does NOT mean it will be easier for criminals to 'get away with it'!
Thank you for sharing your expertise.
Your example of recycling revealed the difference in our cultural pockets. I thought you were referring to the low proportion of recyclable materials that actually gets recycled. When you look at the cascade of waste management it's really unimpressive, some estimates have total plastics recycled as low as 10 percent. This is my concern, especially considering that the messaging around recycling has created broad social acceptance of single use plastics- whereas humanity could have ditched single use plastics long ago if not for growing social and municipal support and subsidization of the plastics supply in the form of municipal and privatized recycling industries and large scale pro-recycling public messaging (arguably neolib eco propaganda).
But you were actually coming from the perspective that recycling is good but some people think that recycling entirely fulfills their duty to the environment . This is a point to which I'm rather sympathetic but I find it less resonant on the analysis because of my broader concerns about recycling itself.
But...
Funny how different these ideas are, yet they both serve your purpose of a metaphor to look at the merry go round of choosing not-yet-stigmatized language to refer to perpetually stigmatized groups...
Funny how I could have tracked your example and gotten the impression we have similar narratives about recycling when in fact we prob have pretty different narratives...food for thought
I really enjoy IFS for understanding myself, as someone who has struggled to understand the extremely dynamic personality, intense and all over the place experiences, being pulled from culture to culture, and lack of sense of self I had until I was like 24 or 25. (I'm age 30 now)
However, the only people Ive ever known who have *actually needed* to connect to their "internal family" are my 2 friends with D.I.D., and that's it. (also they tend to refer to them as alters, not internal family from my experience, and from what my friends have shared with me.)
That's because those schemas -correct me if I'm wrong- are pretty built in, and aren't voluntary at all. (This is at least how my friends describe it, FULLY take this with a grain of salt. They don't decide as the host to call a certain member of their system of identities, they tend to show up as individuals in the host position when they feel like someone in particular is needed for whatever coping technique is needed.)
IFS is all up to me as someone without DID.
I have a name for my middle aged alcoholic system member, my very young child member with PTSD and developing pre-occupied attachment, my middle/late teen and people pleaser, a few others. They mostly have names, all have clothing styles, personalities, tastes and backgrounds, and it's all made up, but just comes naturally. Not a schema tho, like Kirk was saying; it was voluntary, and a creatively enjoyable task that I continue as I learn more about myself. (Or ourselves, if you include my inner fam.)
Can someone explain, why Kirk says it‘s not backed up by science that you should/could reparent the part that is longing for connection? - I thought that’s what the whole inner child/ifs work is about, building the attachment within you that you were missing as a child… 🤔
Maybe because of the trend of trying to legitimize certain therapeutic models as 'evidence based.' Some models won't ever be evidence based because there is no good way of doing testing/proving them. Psych has limitations because the parameters are squishy and so much of the outcome of therapy is based on the subjective perspectives of the client and the therapist. If i go through a type of therapy and then am asked 'Did that help? Do you feel better?' And I say, 'yes'...what does that mean? Did the therapy work? Or just part of it? Did i change my diet, homelife, work, sickness...did i just feel better from having been listened to and validated by a therapist I really clicked with???? Will the next client feel the same? Did the therapist say exactly the same things to everyone? Etc. It cannot be proven by scientific methods. There are too many variables.
CBT and DBT are said to be evidence based.
@@tmtb80 hm, I kinda got the feeling that he was appalled by the whole approach… not in an empiric way but as in no therapist should ever do that… as if it would be harmful to look inwards, when notice an enhanced longing for connection.
In which episode was the criticism trauma addressed?
IFS sounds kind of like the clinicalization of the common refrain 'work on yourself first' or the adage, 'you must love yourself first before you can love others.' It's actually shocking how many people think that a baseline level of secure attachment can somehow only be developed by attaching with your 'inner self,' even if they logically know that one's family systems can cause their schemas to be distorted. By their logic, babies in the earliest stages of development must be the most securely attached individuals in the world, which is obviously ridiculous.
On parents having children to fulfill their attachment needs, I used to be more of the thought that parents should only have children when they're absolutely ready and prepared to sacrifice almost all of themselves to their children. Then I eventually thought about it more and realized that parents grieve when their children die or disappear, and feel pride when their children accomplish something or do something good. None of which we would think of as being selfish. But would it be fair to say that some element to being an attuned parent requires maybe an attachment need in which other people _need_ _you,_ like what we would expect for most all children?
51:00 51:00 RELATE
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