Why is it So Hard to Forgive Ourselves?
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- Опубліковано 6 вер 2024
- Now forgiveness is something we often know we should do or we are told to do it, but no one really talks about how we are supposed to forgive someone, especially ourselves. When anyone speaks about forgiveness, I know I automatically think about someone doing something that hurt me or my feelings and that I need to let that go by forgiving them. But I find that what we struggle with most is forgiving ourselves for any wrongs or missteps. And trust me, I am not any better at this! Just the other day I was ruminating about something I said that I worried could have been taken the wrong way, or sometimes if I let my mind wander I will go back to things I have done in my past that I feel bad about. I can even spend hours just going through things I said or did in my past, jumping from when I was a child to a few months ago. I will play it back again almost like I am trying to hurt myself all over again to prove just how sorry I am.
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you already KNOW i have those notifications on kati!!
Sameeeee
Yeah it's the quickest I click even if I'm midvideo on something else lol.
Yesssss
Awe yay!! xoxo
I'd love to apologize to my wife for things I did wrong but she has passed and the guilt is emmense.
One thing that helps me is to understand that guilt is telling me that I want to be better. If someone doesn't feel guilty about something that they did to harm someone, they're not ready to improve as people. We feel guilt, we're telling ourselves that we would not do that again.
Sure, but it's also important not to ruminate. Reflecting is valuable. Ruminating is self-injury.
It’s different when you hurt yourself because There’s no guilt really you just hate yourself for ruining your own life...
thank you for this gem!
Thankyou for sharing that.
This really helped me
My therapist suggests that when a negative thought pops up, to acknowledge it, ask it what it wants, hug it, then tell thank you, that it’s not needed, and then move on.
What if what it needed was self forgiveness, but you can't do that easily and think of more bad stuff and are stuck in a rabbit hole of hating yourself?
@@Quarter_crush_86 Hopefully Kati will see this and answer. I haven't figured that out yet myself.
@@SunKrux26 So do I, still
There is a lot of brain-training that needs to go into this. This is a practice, not something you can just "do" - but something you make a part of your reality by practicing. I'd suggest looking for therapy worksheets on "negative cognitions" and stopping negative thought patterns / thought loops. The good news is that this is work you can do on your own, via books and websites and worksheets. but finding a therapist to guide you and help you process the reasons WHY you have fallen into these negative thought cycles, may be even more helpful. - You deserve to be happy. - You deserve to have good thoughts and good feelings. - you can change your brain, and you can change your life, I promise. xo
Nobody:
My brain: Hey remember that stupid thing you did five years ago?
@@dorkydork9649 If only it was that easy, to uninstall stress like an app or computer program...
Mine says: “Hey remember those 25 stupid things you did five years ago?”
@@luckyDancer100 sadly, we continue doing stupid things hahahaha
What if what you did was really bad?
@@daisychain473 if u regret it and ur watching this video i think that’s proof enough to move on and that u do indeed deserve to forgive urself
Yesterday I started to feel self loathing and I began to ruminate. I looked right into the mirror and started talking to myself. I told myself I was beautiful, I’m a good person who works hard to be a good person and my brain is just being a dick.
Talking back to that inner voice has been a saviour. Strengthen the kind voice and it’ll fire back at the mean one more and more and more.
Yes yes yes!!!! Thank you so much for sharing!! xoxoxo
Riley Anderson 💜💜💜💜
With me it has been hard for me to look at myself in the mirror and say that I am beautiful. I just have been told for so long that I am ugly and fat I have zero self esteem because of verbal abuse at the age of 18 from my boyfriend at the time and then severely bullied in school it just hard to think of myself to be beautiful.
@@machaenichols3482 Well, you are beautiful. And you deserve happiness and to live your best life. Believe it. Let the pain go and embrace yourself and your future. Choose to live life the way you want to. Don't let your ex or any bullies decide how you're going to feel about yourself. You decide that.
Machae Nichols try to remember that those thoughts were put in your head by other people. If you can find some small voice in the back of your mind that loves yourself, acknowledge that voice. Acknowledge the mean ones too. Talk back. Get loud and aggressive and fake it until you believe it. Practice practice practice. It could take a long time, or it could be way faster than you think. Either way it’s best to start now. your every day actions and decisions are what determine who you are, so use your every day actions and decisions to be the beautiful good person that you want to be. Make yourself love yourself.
I don't know why I just can't forgive myself. I hate how I was, I hate what I've become. I just can't move on from all the things I did. I tried forgiving myself but seeing the people I hurt still suffering from what I did, I just crumble and start to blame myself over and over again. I just think that I don't deserve forgiveness. This is the reason why I can't be happy and can't reconnect with my love ones.
This is where im at right now. :(
I know this is old, but I hope you're in a better place now. And hate is a very strong word, you are being too hard on yourself. Whatever you have done it can't be that bad. Wishing you the best!
I understand this completely. It's even harder if the people I've wronged haven't come to me saying they forgive me and also if there's no way to fix what I did and make it right. Going to therapy to have help with this is a big help, esp if you try hard to implement what they tell you to do.
Sounds like right now
Is a good time to start a new fresh start right now. Start with now and walk away from what was.
Its actually a good sign .Feeling guilt means suffering from the consequences and a part of the process of letting go. Think of that self that past self as another person you wouldn't want another person to ruin your happiness and present right?
Forgiving ourselves is challenging but must be done to move on with our lives.
Agreed. I'm so sick and tired of living with guilt. I just want it to stop.
Not being able to say sorry is so hurtful, when you are barred from communication in a relationship. Makes self forgiveness even tougher.
It really does :/
"Hurting myself on purpose as tho to prove how sorry I am." This is very insightful
There's a reason J.K. Rowling decided one must focus on their happiest memory to conger a patronus. Depression and so forth can't stand in the face of the shiniest things in our lives. Thank you Kati! xoxoxoxox
Bins Q where did you get the quote “ depression and so forth can’t stand in the face of the shiniest things in our lives” was it from an actual Harry Potter book?
But then I feel like I'm ignoring the bad I've done
It seems like your videos always just what I need when I need it. Thank you.
same! have a great day Anna
Awe that's so great to hear Anna :) xoxo
Y shakll i forgive? I did what i could i was alone in search for connection..... and then they collectively ditched me..... i waited for months and years at home just to get the same shoiyt in worse....
I d known morei i d left 6 yeaes ago without looking back..?.
Sometimes I wake up and think, "the air I'm breathing rn could be used for someone who deserves it more...". This video hits me hard ☹️💔💚
Last month I cried every time I woke up because I was so disappointed. I hope you're doing better.
@@insolubletoaster8133 I've been crying everyday for the last 3 and a half months
Same here....
I understand this feeling
Ruminating over inaction hurts the most. Especially when that opportunity is forever gone, and there's not ever a next time with that person.
My situation exactly. I didnt do enough and there is no way to make it right or even apologize.
I forgive myself but I struggle to forgive my brother who sexually abused and assaulted me for years as a child .
But , I am in therapy now for it .
Thank you for sharing, perfect timing.
I'm so so so sorry about that
Azarah Eden It's extremely sad about what happened to you and this is an old comment, but I want to let you know that you don't have to forgive your brother if you don't want to! I was sexually abused by my parents and other adults when I was a child and haven't forgiven them, yet I'm not an angry or bitter person. I read a book many years ago called The Courage to Heal, which mentioned that forgiveness is NOT necessary for healing. It really helped me and I feel annoyed when people push others to forgive. I do have compassion for the people who harmed me though, as they were abused too. ❤
I'm sorry to hear that you went through that
Maybe you can see forgiveness in a different way. Personally I don't forgive people to make them feel better but so that I feel better. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting. So it does not mean that you are okay what the other person did but rather you move on and don't waste more thoughts on the other person. You still remember it but not letting those negative feelings influence you anymore. If you still angry at them (which is ofc very understandable) is not going to bring you peace for yourself. So you stay away from that person and not let him influence you anymore.
I am so sorry to hear this....
I used to struggle with this so much. There were 2 things that helped me.
1) I imagine what I would say to a friend who had done those things I regret... I'm usually a lot kinder to others than I am to myself. If I can extend grace to others, I can extend grace to myself.
2) I'm a Christian, so forgiveness and grace is important in my faith. In my faith, I believe that Jesus died and paid the price for me so that I could be forgiven for all the hurtful and stupid things I've done. If God can forgive me, I'm forgiven. If God has grace for me, I can give grace to myself.
I used to beat myself up (literally, I was a chronic self harmer) so much anytime I lost my temper or made a social blunder, or failed at goals, or relapsed in addiction. Once I realised that it's a process, not perfection, I was able to get stronger and be more gracious to myself and others.
Anyone struggling, hang in there. Keep working at it and you will get better.
It’s hard to forgive myself because part of me knew better and I went forward anyway. I knew it’d most likely turn out badly but I didn’t know just how badly.
I identify with you here, the fact you feel bad means you are a different person now, you would do it differently. I know for myself I have learned that my life can have a different meaning now
Back when my depression was so much worse, because of my manipulative ex-partner I used to drown in self-hatery. Everyday I felt like I have to apologize (and sometimes I did for no reason; i didn't feel like I had to) and I've considered myself as the worst living person. One way for me was reasoning myself, looking for logic pattern, recognizing that I didn't mean to hurt somebody and I was just trying to do what I thought would work the best. The best way for me for stopping those nasty thoughts was also saying to myself stuff like "you're also a person, u can feel bad and u can feel happy. You can make mistakes and you'll learn from those mistakes. Everyobody makes mistakes". My therapists told me to wrote (in her presence) a sentence that said "Everybody makes mistakes. With each mistakes I can learn more". It had to be handwritten and everytime my negative thoughts went back I've pulled that card with that sentence and read it out loud. First step for me was actually letting myself to do mistakes, because it's a human thing.
Sorry if spelling or grammar is incorrect, English isn't my native language.
Hope everyone is having a great day and as always thanks for that video Katie, I'm really looking forward to watching your vids
berti so glad you were able to get out of that toxic relationship and start the healing process!
For you why do you actually hate yourself look at the reasons why you feel this way about it and try to change it because only you can make yourself feel good don't rely on other people they will always let you down you're the most important person and you do good things that's a very good way to think about it
I've actually been keeping a journal since I was inpatient back in the summer of 2005. I have over 10 years worth of daily journal entries. It's interesting to look back at the first entries when I was deep in the anorexia and compare it to now.
Sometimes you have to look back to see how far you've come.
smoupnhoize i’ve been out of therapy for a year and a half now, and looking through my old daily therapy journals to when i was at my lowest point is so strange. i didn’t even realize my life had changed so much!
Your videos are so helpful and informative, especially for young people like me😀
Awe that's so great to hear!! xoxo
Definitely needed this today. I’ve been changing my behaviors, trying to be the person I want to be. But like you said, I truly feel like I SHOULD relive all the old stuff, because I feel like I deserve to hurt more. But like you said- remember where you came from, and one step at a time, move forward.
i always blame myself for all the bad stuff that's has happened/happening to me and the people around me. it keeps coming back most especially when im alone with my thoughts. it sucks and i end up crying and feeling suicidal all the time. thank u Kati for this. I'll try my best to apply this.
“self injuring” when one goes over the “unforgivable” over and over, is so spot on! Thank you.
Forgive yourself when you didn't know any better but don't forget. Memories and Guilt are to help you learn from your failures and not repeat them.
I cannot thank you enough for sharing this. When I had caused an accident nearly two years ago, the guilt ate away at every aspect of my life up until recently. I've consistently told doctors and psychiatrists about this since it happened but they seem to shrug it off, just saying basically that "it was an accident, theres nothing you can do about it." I feel like I keep asking people "How do I forgive myself?" and I'm just being answered with "you just do." Its taken a long time for me to come to terms with that, and I've been trying to forgive myself on my own without any sort of blueprint. The resources you brought up in the video is quite honestly a game changer and I'm even more determined to make 2019 the year I love myself and finally take joy in living again.
Just the other day I was having a mental break down because of my mind reminding me about the past , I just saw this video and it gave me a little hope that I can do better. Thank you ❤
Could you maybe talk about emotional numbness sometime? ^^
kpop lover I second that
Yes please!!
Yes!!!!!
ah yes the story of my life: i no longer feel emotions anymore
Omg fr. I need a vid about that
I learned a long time ago that to forgive yourself or someone else is a desicion. You don't need to "feel it" to do it. Sometimes it can be hard to make that desicion if you don't think you've deserved it, though. But this has still been something that's been helpful to me many times.
I have a playlist called "mental wellness" and at least half of it is your videos, this one went to the top of the list. Thank you again Kati for all you do for the community; I hope you had a wonderful vacation!
the mistake I can't handle is losing something I only just saw or had very suddenly and not finding it at all no matter how hard I look for it. I become frightened that it never realky existed in the first place...that I only imagined it (and possibly everything else in life) and fear I'm losing my mind. I live my life in constant fear of losing things. Your comment about the brain not understanding reality has made me even MORE terrified. I am literally shaking 🤤
I find the best way to deal with those memories is to accept it. Let your mind replay the situation and tell yourself that it was ok and you’ve grown and now you would handle this situation differently. Accept yourself
I really needed this video today. Thanks for always talking about the important topics, Kati.
Awe of course!! Glad you found it helpful :) xoxo
I have a confession to make. I cheated in my last relationship. It was near end of our relationship when she needed space, so I stayed at a friend's house in another town. This was probably the 3rd or 4th time she had needed space and I would have to leave the house for a number of days. Only this time I went to a bar, had a couple drinks, and a girl showed interest in me and I let her take me home. I craved the intimacy to the point that i let it happen. I couldn't believe myself, I completely changed my view of myself and still struggle immensely with the pain and guilt. I understand now that our relationship was very unhealthy, as the building blocks for a healthy relationship (trust, respect, commitment, etc) were not there. All I really want is to be able to forgive myself and feel that I am worthy/capable of loving myself and having a healthy romantic relationship, because right now, I don't feel like I'm a good person to deserve those things.
Geez, I hope you alright now. I lost my person because I lied about cheating... If I would tell the truth, we would be together still. I can't forgive myself for this, I didn't know it would end up like this.
I am feeling so miserable and bad right now, hope we can overcome!
My thoughts usually start ruminating when my brain is unoccupied...such as when I'm on the subway which happens at least twice a day for half an hour.
Imagine me yelling "STOP", people would be so confused :D
So Kati, thank you for the second strategy! I"ll definitely try it out tomorrow. And I'm pretty positive it's going to work better than the yelling
I am 15 months into recovery after a lifetime of heroin and alcohol abuse. I have spent most of the past year of sleepless nights worrying about things I've done, replaying embarrassing moments, and the countless ways I've hurt others. The one thing that's helped me tremendously is to confront as many of the issues you can. Usually when we worry about something, it's because we have created a huge scary unknown that has consequences we've blown out of proportion. Once I started confronting my worries (making amends to those I've wronged, making a doctor apt to address any health concerns I've been too scared to deal with, forgiving myself for once and for all even if the person I hurt can't forgive me) I found myself spending much less time beating myself over the head with my past.
Negative retrospection is a no-no. Practicing in your mind the different things to say and do that result in the outcome you desire will change your life as you use Kati's good tools! Thanks, love and peace to all!
“My mind is trying to push me into this hurtful space.. but i don’t wanna go” ok I really like that quote!
Hi Kati! Just wanna say I love your channel!
This is actually a big problem of mine (one of many...). my psycologist and I finally recently found that, for me, the best way to turn my mind around from the negative spiral is to pick my thoughts apart, because I had a big problem with accepting any form of change to my "bad" point of veiw of myself and my actions... I just felt like I was trying to lie to myself when changing my negative spiral into positive thinking.
But we found a way arund it that I could finnaly really notice does work for me.
When I realize that I start the negative thinking or gets unnessecerly stressed about anything in general, I start by recognicing the feeling/feelings that I'm experiencing at the moment.
then I try to analyze what actions or events that is connected to these emotions and tell myself that,
"These feelings are normal, everyone experience bad situations sometimes and will feel bad about it. So let's try to do it differently next time and surely we'll do a better job."
An example:
If I'm suddenly remembering saying something stupid and embaressing to someone a long time ago and it makes me relive those emotions again, then my strategy would be:
"Okay, I'm feeling sad, embaressed and really stressed right now because of this memory. But that's okay and completely normal! everyone experience saying something wrong to someone at some point in their life, and that okay. It's normal to feel like this when you think you've said the wrong thing to someone. If the situation/topic ever comes up again then I'll think about a different answer this time."
It also worked for my anxiety. I tell myself that it's okay to feel anxious for something and that many people experience it etc.
This method really works for me to stop my negative thoughts and also gives me a better chance to accept and deal with the feelings that I'm experiencing by separating them from a specific event and just make them one of many feelings, if that makes sense.
I feel guilty for my past, I’m 21 and I have high dreams of influencing others and inspiring with my creativity. But I’m having so much trouble forgiving myself and pursuing anything because there are negative perceptions of me that I feel will literally destroy my life. And the amount of people who think I’m a terrible person is a small one but I identify with this constant past version of me. So I’ve been stuck for months not trying anything.
One of the most difficult but worthwhile things we can do! We have to forgive ourselves! Love the inspiration here for my channel! Definitely going to do a video on this! Learning to forgive ourselves is huge!
My therapist literally JUST mentioned how I should work on forgiving myself today in session. You have perfect timing Kati!
I think what you said at the start that's the key: I feel that I have to continue punishing myself to prove that I'm really sorry, like if I stop that means what I'm not sorry about it anymore??? Feels too risky to stop..
Noticed that I do this with people too, and to my self ....
I have tried w all of my energy and agony and shame in a different side of the world from where I was born. Thank you for all you do. my head cannot go on. I am no longer able to the society.
I did this kind of work in my EMDR therapy. We can’t change events of the past. But... We can change how we feel about them and how we think about them. I practice thought blocking. By saying loudly NOPE. And I distract by looking at pictures of my children and like you say... visualising wonderful memories. Great video. Very helpful .
What happened with me is still completely fresh because it happened just last night. After a solid year of being 99.9% chill and positive and cheerful I lost it with my boyfriend, explaining that I needed better communication after being snubbed for nothing but one day. But then it escalated into a talk about our Facebook relationship status and then it was about a photo of his ex on his wall. And then I explained myself and we went to bed fine and woke up fine and yet, now I'm at work and feeling absolutely terrible. Recently, he lost his mother with whom I had also grown close. So, we're not normal right now and it hurts. Your advice is fantastic (STOP!) and yet I obsess as is my lifelong habit. Hopefully, I can finally write about it. It's just so raw right now.
Finally, a video about forgiveness that doesn't include "God". I just wanned a logical practical answer. Thank you
I needed this today, it was really helpful. Thank you. Your channel is a blessing.
Awe I am so glad :) xoxo
I found so much relief in narrative repair. I wrote out a memoir and I could see what the situation was and how nobly I acted in the face of it. I could look at things objectively and observe the manipulation by my parents and the cult, so I knew that I am not responsible for any of it. No more guilt. It was awwsome.
Good to know I'm not alone in this struggle.
I just made a video on apologizing to myself and it has been an incredible act of service, despite how unnatural it may feel. Self forgiveness is a daily practice for me. We all have had regrets and have broken our own hearts, and I know what it's like to be my worst jailor. I truly hope we can all practice setting ourselves free. Powerful video Sister, I support your journey 🙏🏻❤️
What has been somewhat successful for me is to try to draw any positive aspect out of the situation I keep ruminating about. Even the slightest little positive out of it seems to make it better so that I'm not constantly focusing always on the negative. The 'positive' could even be something as simple as "well I didn't go completely insane and start screaming".
I absolutely love how Kati says "Welcome!"
It's so hard for me. I really remember many many rude and awkward things that I did or said that other people really don't remember or don't care about... and I keep blaming myself and making scenarios... it's exhausting and adds so much low self-esteem on top everything else.
The way I usually do to solve all my problems is going to sleep 😂
Thank u Kati and good to have you back 😍
I had no idea that thought stopping was a thing! That’s awesome! I’ve been doing it, mentally saying “stop” when that rumination starts, and it really helps! I kinda thought maybe it wasn’t a healthy thing, but I noticed it working, so I’m relieved to hear you suggest it in this video, it’s validating in a way, thank you! 💜
My mom passed away and I do not try to avoid blaming myself, think about all the things I have not done for my mom, did not spend time more at home. I cannot accept to forgive myself, i quit my job, i avoid my friends, i think i deserve to be miserable.
Love this video, it’s taken me almost ten years to realise that I have the power to stop negative thoughts. Simply put I have realised that I try and find a happy memory. It works.
When my anxiety is bad, replaying the situation and what I would do differently is just as bad as when I just remember the event. I feel dread and regret at not having made better choices. What I've actually found helps me more is when I tell myself verbally or imagine the image of me, or the person I feel I've hurt, say that I am forgiven. This gives me something that feels real that I can't argue with myself about.
1. saying no or stop does help
2. i correct my posture, and breathe (often doing a hand motion of grabbing at nothing and pulling down, to centre myself)
3. validating how i felt in that moment helps me see that i should feel bad you being embarrassed or exposed, no matter what anyone says how i feel is important, then letting the feeling go
I am having a really hard time forgiving myself so I am gonna take these tips a whirl. Thanks Kati!!
Hey Kati, I just wanted to mentioned something about the thought-stopping tip, when you said we could force our minds to remember pleasant memories. To me, personally, that doesn't really help, because then I go to the other side of the spectrum where I wish I could relieve those moments, and how they are never coming back, and stuff like that. So what actually helps me to stop spiraling down in guilt or embarrassment, is to go do something else that will occupy my mind: clean, listen to music, go grocery shopping, prepare something to eat, anything really. So hopefully that helps someone else :)
I’m working on forgiving myself after i had an argument with someone i cared about ghosted me after. I tried to apologize profusely but they are gone. So I’m trying thought stopping and positive self talk to help me forget about the entire thing.
Here’s a thing I just tried and thought of (with the massive prompting this wonderful video provides!)
Hopefully it helps someone else!
Anywhooo:
Journal prompt for reoccurring thoughts/memories
“
Upsetting Thing?
What did I learn?
Instance - Describe Situation (memory, recent occurrence, etc)
Impact - Describe how it makes me feel or showcase an error or mistake
Change - How did this alter me or how am I now different from then?
Acceptance - Yes, mistakes happen. I do not luck, I learn. That necessitates error.
“
Literally had this chat with my therapist very recently. I have a super hard time forgiving myself and often find myself having anxiety over things I’ve said or did in my past. Especially when it comes to moments of conflicts. I definitely find that focusing on pleasant experiences help, but sometimes it helps me to think about what made the experience so negative and how I could’ve handled it better. You give great advice and are definitely an expert in your field! Many X’s and O’s!
Thank you so much today, I was beyond hurt all day today because of a painful issue I started long ago
Great topic! I have personally had a difficult time with this my entire life. When I think that I've forgiven myself, I creep back into guilt. It's like I'm in periods of some kind of denile.
Damn, that really helped. There's a lot of empathy in those eyes. Very helpful :)
I feel so bad/guilty about things I've done in the past and it really sucks.
I was working with my counselor on some similar problems to the ones discussed in the video and we found that similar to writing a journal entry, writing poetry about specific negative experiences helps me contain and work through these nagging thoughts.
How do you forgive yourself if someone blames you for their actions? Great Video, Kati! Thanks for the great tips...
That's the worst! It's like you know they're wrong but you still feel guilty and defensive for it...
check out previous video about manipulation! always look for logic explanation (that it isn't my fault) and don't allow anybody to play with your feelings :)
@@bertol97 Yes. But easier said than done;)
@@abbeyc4865 Trust me, i know it's hard, but that kinda worked for me
Hey Sandra.. I would definitely do what Berti said and check out my previous video about manipulation!! I know it's hard to do, but once we realize they are only trying to get what they want, and don't care about us it does get a bit easier. xoxo
This is one I struggle with and my awesome therapist is helping me with it.
No matter what as we are social beings we crave for approval and i don't think anyone other than Narcissists can forgive themselves without forgiveness and approval from others but others don't forgive us and we shouldn't be dependent on others and that's why God wants us to understand he forgives and approves of us.
Thanks for the tips. Before having an important conversation, I practice ideas and arguments, speaking as if I were in the presence of the person I am going to talk to.
It helps me organize my thinking and the essential things I'm going to say. I can even foresee possible opposing arguments. If I don't do that, I don't say what I have to say, my thoughts get disorganized and I can't argue quickly.
Some most up front experiences which I can recommend that we can all fall back on is the book Evolving Planet, Bing Video Alien Lore, Jamba Juice’s sweet pretzel, and at least Panera Bread supersize squash soup bowl with mine never ending papaya ice tea. I hope that helps but your replies are more than welcome because y’all know what they say, “Every single little bit counts and helps…” Don’t mind me if I continue my rant even on another dialogue box because that’s how I may get. But thank you for being most educational since ever…!
I hope this helps me. My mind will go back to the worst thing I ever did. Hating people. It was really messed up. Other people who know me would probably say that hatred simply isn’t in me, and I thought the same. Yet when I was hurt by people I cared about, I was proven wrong in the worst way. I allowed that built up anger and rage to change me temporarily. It got to the point where I would lash out at those I cared about. It was changing me into a completely different person. It’s directly against my religion to hate, so when I started having nightmares about going to hell if this went too far. That’s when I stopped making up excuses. I stopped saying “Well they did this” and “Well, they did that” it was time to better myself. I’m now at the point where I have forgiven them, and I’m not even mad at them anymore. I just feel so guilty for actively hating anyone, and saying that.
MUSIC!! For those of us that have a hard time journaling, music was a good option for me. I've learned when i catch myself in this ruminating kind of thinking, i can now stop myself, say outloud "what am i doing? I need to stop!" and I'll turn on some feel good musicand play it, LOUD. Where i can't hear anything but the music. A few minutes later and i feel a better. Especially in the car or at night trying to sleep it's been most helpful.
I also want to say that I used to feel so much guilt and beat myself up all the time. I've been working on forgiving myself and showing acceptance for who I am and why I do things, which also makes it easy to be acceptant to others. Oh and one more thing, you look radiant in that colour. Beautiful person that you are.
Wow! I know someone that needs to hear this! Thank you so much, Kati❤🤗❤😊
You are very welcome!! I hope it helps :) xoxo
To stop thinking about a negative situation, I do something with my hands. It can be simple, like trying on a dress, do the dishes, organize my makeup drawer. I use this trick, when I'm really anxious. If I am only a little stressed out or nervous, I choose a 10 mins meditation on YT and it helps me calm down. 😉
I love this video! I am an Eating Disorder therapist and self-forgiveness seems to be one of the hardest tasks sometimes for my clients. Along their journey to ED recovery, they “mess up” and “fail” and beat themselves up over it, sometimes without even being aware of it! I always talk about bringing this to the person’s awareness and once you are aware of this happening, working on reframing and that positive self-talk you mentioned! Our language is so powerful and our narrative of our own’s life events can be either very detrimental or super constructive! We just need to use it for our benefit and I think the points you make in this video really are so useful! Thank you!
I have a lot of problems forgiving myself at different times, and many of the things you described in this relate to me a lot. Thanks for uploading.
Hi Kati my name is Kelly and I to am a creator here on UA-cam! I’ve been fallowing you for a few months now and have grown to really like your Channel! I hope you see this cause I could really use some advice or words of wisdom! I lost my mom 2 years ago and just lost my sister unexpectedly right before Christmas because of alcoholism. I’m feeling so many things about her passing that are confusing to me because at the time of her passing I was there with her but hadn’t seen her in 2 years because of her drinking. So there lots of different feelings that I’m feeling with her passing that I didn’t feel with my moms passing. 2nd I have this fear of death now it’s scares me that we just don’t know when our times is and I am scared of losing someone else that I love! I hate the way I feel and feel like this can’t be normal and I just don’t know how to snap out of it! Hope to hear back from you as I am sure you get flooded with a ton of comments daily. ~ Kelly
I know exactly what you mean, what you said in the very beginning. I like to make amends, even years later, but sometimes people won't give you that. I ruminate all the time. I have to stop because it isn't conducive to anything really. I think it's hard for self reflective, introspective people to do I'll work on it.
I had a profound healing experience with forgiving myself, I got to a point where I truly experienced a valuing love for a person in my life whose habitual mistakes had caused me a tremendous amount of ongoing difficulty when I truly saw this person through loving and valuing eyes suddenly I was able to view myself with those same eyes and I could see myself clearly, as a loveable precious person who also has faults and makes mistakes, I have heard therapist descibe this process the other way, first you learn to love and value yourself then you can love and value others but for me it was definitely the other way around, Scripture calls this love Charity it is the type of love Jesus Christ has for all, it is also the kind of love God places in your heart when you pray to be able to forgive someone and you are truly sincere, it was a process for me that started with me being really honest , overcoming denial and learning to set effective boundaries , too bad religious beliefs are sometimes considered outdated this was most self healing experience of my life and it changed everything, there has not been a segment of my life that has not been impacted for the better
I just let myself be angry and cranky for as long as I need to, but I still engage a clear picture with a new person I engage with, letting it add to positive feelings
I try so hard to forgive myself but then the toxic people in my life still hold me responsible and cannot forget, so I end up feeling responsible and unable to let go, even though I know they're wrong:(
Natalie if you have toxic people in your life why it sounds like you know this already so it's time to let go over these people and make some new friends that do appreciate you for who you are remember you are good you are deserving of being loved so why subject yourself to hate
Natalie, I can totally relate. My child holds so much resentment toward me about various things (some I’ve been blown away by). My husband, the narc, (not the father of my child), started triangulating 15 years ago and it has paid off for him if he wanted to ensure that the close relationship I had with my young child did not continue to grow and flourish into adulthood. I have suffered so much emotional pain. I’m planning my exit strategy.
@@nickcarter7535 unfortunately, toxic people isn't limited to friends...
Honestly, come up with an exit strategy. It can be as simple as, "I will move out when I graduate (high school/university) and move in with a peer/friend, and I'll get any job that will take me so I can be financially independent as soon as possible." Maybe you have a relative who lives far away, like I did, who would be willing to take you in and even help. Even a neutral presence is better than a toxic presence.
And if I may offer unsolicited advice: avoid looking for self worth in other people. It's tempting, because while it can be effective, it can be an entrance into the same cycle, so maybe avoid dating for a year or two. I know that sounds ridiculous to some, but it was helpful to me in my first year of college, avoiding dating for several months. I tried it again after awhile, and the April after I moved, I met my now-husband. Work with what you have, work towards a better toolbox of coping skills, and even if you love them, dumping the toxic people out of your life will have long-term benefits to your overall health and sense of self-worth.
If they harass you, talk to a counselor. Try to move to an area that has crisis counselors who have a sliding-scale payment schedule, where poorer people (and juveniles) get charged less or nothing.
And moving might mean taking furniture like I could, or it might mean taking what you can carry in a backpack, like a friend of mine who fled an abusive home in Oklahoma to live with her mom in Oregon. Also, youth homeless shelters are a potential option if you need to flee to another area where you know nobody, if you're still in your teens.
Blessed be. May you find a home where you can breathe freely.
I really needed this video! Thank you for making it. I've been working really hard on processing a negative past relationship to be more able to focus on how good the present is and I've been struggling with forgiving myself for letting things get so bad. These tips really helped!
i'm not great at thinking of something happytostop thinking of something unpleasant because i feel guiltier? like i don't deserve it? so instead i just force myself onto another thought, a neutral one, and try to focus on it as much as possible, like i'll think of fish, and i will think what big fish do i know, medium sized fish, small fish, all the colors fish can have, all the shapes, just go through memorized data or check my opinions on it to distract myself
This is a DAILY struggle... when i am in the 'whirlpool', it can be hourly. Thank you Kati.
I hate it when I stay up late, like tonight, because it feels like it was completely preventable and I'm sabotaging my mental health. I just keep saying to myself "it's okay", "everyone makes mistakes", and "this will pass".
Honestly I needed this today! Thank you!
Hi Kati I know you propably won't see this, but I wondering if you could do a video about things people misunderstand about epilepsy?
My barrier emerging in 2014, peaking in 2015, and dissipating in 2016 was complicated. I didn't (still don't) understand and cannot communicate with the people involved. They don't respond and hung up when I tried to call (politely becoming busy). I don't know what happened. The only 'fight' was about 'why did we start fighting?'. It's just the most stubbornly incoherent BS ever.
But I gave up. That one-sided nonsense just can't be resolved. I am redirecting my feelings about it into creative writing. Everything it **could** be makes excellent character relationship arc and plot material I guess. Moving on from it makes me feel better too.
I deal with a lot of spiraling negative thinking and one tool I use in thought stopping is playing 5-second clips of songs I like in my head, cycling through them rapidly until I can't focus on the negatives and I start to feel better and my mind feels at ease. I know my sister tried this and hated it, but it works for me. It kind of drowns out my Negative Nelly voice.
Great topic. Forgiving ourselves is difficult but as with everything, past doesn't exist, future is not here yet and so what are we left with...present. But present is always moving so forgiving ourselves now for something on the past is not really possible. :) :)
Kati morton these videos help me when I need it whether I'm stressed angry depressed your always here for me
My 7 and 8 year old really needed this and it helped them a lot. I kinda wish you didn't use the word "shitty" though, but we were able to overlook that because your message was very helpful overall. Thank you.
I now think it is not that bad. I used to think that it was just the worst, because I lived a good life that this silly thing is my lowest point. I'm over it 🙃
I'm new but I'm addicted. Keep up the good work.
Rudina Obydi Welcome to the Community!
This is very good information! A week ago I got into this trap where I would have dreams every night and would just feel crappy every morning and one day I was thinking about it again when suddenly I realized that I have to start being thankful for all the good that was in the situation and not focus on the bad. That is really what got me over my mistake I made. I love your videos and notification are set 😊. Thank you for being who you are sharing it with us.
this was amazing, brought a lot of healing for myself. thanks.
Awesome video. If i can add, i think one reason why it's hard to forgive yourself is because you may be in an enviroment with people who keels bring up your past in a way that isnt emotionally healthy. We can say learn to trust your self and your perception of you but we cany underestimate thr influence of your enviroment