My Wife Is MAD That I 'OUTED' Her Asexuality +UPDATES | Best of r/AITA Reddit Stories
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Those boyfriends/husbands that offered up a drink are real ones. Didn’t tell him he was trashy, didn’t insult him, didn’t even say something like “you shouldn’t have said that”. Instead to my offer to buy him a beer and apologize for not knowing? OP is not an asshole, he was just in a room full of them. Except for those boyfriends and husbands, they aren’t assholes either.
They're probably in that situation and their women are lying too
Even the poly friend gets a round of applause
Those men are STUCK
@@cal5566 average UA-cam commenter casually psycho analyzing the relationship of people thousands of miles away from them
@@derrikawright5795 She saw an opening and shot her shot, and she was super respectful about it. I imagine he turned her down politely and they're still on good terms.
Gotta respect it.
Personally I’m hung up on the wife throwing OP under the bus. So she was perfectly fine with lying, making OP out to be a selfish lover, and once given an opportunity to come clean, she doesn’t. What else did she expect OP to do? Frankly if SHE is comfortable enough talking about her make belief bedroom activities with 9 other people, then it’s fine for OP to talk about HIS side of the bedroom activities. Fair is fair. As he said, he endured it for a while which the wife should have shut down. If she won’t defend him, he has every right to defend himself.
Not only did she say he was a selfish lover but implied after confronted with "my wife doesnt let me have sex/whatever" that the reason she doesnt want to have sex with him was because their relationship has 'issues'.
I think she is embarassed becauze she is with people who've been super talkative about sex/probably make the convo about it a norm and how she hid it/denied to herself that she was asexual for a long time. She needs more individual therapy to get over that shame, not just couples counselling because without addressing that shame it could affect their relationship down the line again
Also her friends are toxic af and excluding OP in the future is just going to put a wedge in their marriage. I wouldnt be surprised if they shit talk OP since they hate him now and she has 'nothing' to contribute to their sex talks. If she doesnt nip their behabior in the bud snd stand up for her husband (like how she sat around and half assed her stopping her friends).
Her husband is probably not someone she would find easy to 'replace' if he leaves h4r because of her friends. For many, both men and women, sex is a big deal in the relationship and they would not have been as chill with staying with her after she came out as asexual after being married. They def would have felt they were 'bait and switched' as some commentors pointed out. OP is someone she needs to treasure more because he has respected her asexuality and doesnt shit talk it but she lets her friends disrespect him and shit talk him (which wouldnt have happened if she didnt lie to fit in).
@@twit3537 I think you touched on all the really important aspect here but I’d like to add one more thing. I see a lot of people in the comments saying how “S*x isn’t everything.” Which I agree with. However, it is a HUGE part of a couple’s weekly activities. I personally think that, if she doesn’t get her issues sorted out, he is either going to find someone on the side or is just going pack his bags and leave. He is in denial if he thinks he can do this indefinitely.
@@Andrey-rc6wp I think he realizes he probs wont be able to do it forever from the sounds of it bc he does mention how several times a year it does end up bugging him (and they are only 3 years in) and how its brought up a lot with her friends. But him not being invited to these things would make me concerned tbh.
I honestly wouldnt be surprised if her friends convince her to leave OP for 'outting her' (also I wonder what lies she has told them in the past or what she said to them after he left as she obviously favors their view of her over their virw of him) or they could 3ven try to convince her to sleep with someon else. The reason for the latter is because I cant see people who have sex as a regular gossip topic (thats very detailed) would be able to adequately include someone who is asexual in their conversations without it eventually leading to them trying to convince them to have sex with someone (whether with someone of the same o4 different gender). She obviously is susptible to peer pressure imo and with her shame she has surrounding her asexuality I wouldnt be surprised if her friends convinces her eventually to cheat in some way, even if its just emotionally just to spite OP.
As for OP, he honestly doesnt seem like the person who would cheat because he was kind enough to respect her sexuality, stayed with her when most wouldnt because it seems he genuinely loves her, and put up his own boundaries surrounding it to make them both feel comfortable. He has been dealing with this for 3 years and many would have caved aftee the first.
He also had left the party after standing up for himself and I dont think he would stay married to her if he does decide he cant do it anymore as he does seem like the type of person who really cares about the emotional connection to their partner. That connectuon can be hard to properly build for people who prefer that connection when its building one with an affair partner in secret and sneaking around is involved.
He also seems to have good morales surrounding 'using' someone/hurting someone because his boundary for her asexuality was he doesnt want to 'use her' or make her have sex when she doesnt want to/when she doesnt want him.
So I overall I feel cheating (physically) has a high probability of not happening before he calls it quits however there is still always a chance. Like there is a chance he meets someone who he feels actually WANTS him and makes him feel wanted/desirable (which is another major reason why sex is so important for couples). This could lead to him leaving for her, maybe having an emotional affair before that or end up physically cheating. Maybe a 'solution' is he can sleep with other peoolr or 1 person and that creates a bond (sex is also a known bonding experience) and ends up emotionally cheating while having a pass to sleep with others.
We dunno, however I do hope OP doesnt cheat in any way because it gives her friends more ammo to attack/harass him.
OP is gonna regret this in the long run probs even if she stops being friends with those people.
Sometimes 1 thing is a deal breaker for an otherwise great relationship and this probably will be it. This is a lose-lose situation for him rn until he leaves.
He will feel guilty if he cheats to get his needs met. He will feel guilty if he 'uses' her for those needs. He will feel guilty for the eventual resentment that will fester. He will feel guilty if he leaves her over this since its not something she can control/doesnt want to seem like he is threatening divorce to get sex (her friends probs would assume that eith how thry jumped thr gun to attack him earlier).
No amount of couples counselling can help fix mismatched sexualiti3s. Imo its somewhat like trying to make a marriage work between someone who is gay and someone who is straight, they arent compatiable.
Trying to make one compromise on their sexuality to have sex with the other when they arent into that gender (even if they say they are okay eith it) or have the other one be 'stuck' in relstionship with only the romantic part being fulfilled while they also feel lonely/undesired (due to their partner literally not being attracted to them sexually even if its a known reason) are both shitty.
Rip his marriage
I don't know, I think it just happened. She answered without thinking and then it just spiralled.
@@kellharris2491 She should have shut that shit down when her "friends" started in on the husband.
His wife needs to work out her insecurities and not disrespect him like that. Also, some trifling friends she has.
He just needs to divorce her trashy @$$
They're not great friends, that's true. She does need to work out her issues. But outing her is way past any acceptable boundary.
@@DeadlyChinchilla
And lying about her husband in ways that would cause their social circle to hate and resent him (more than they do now apparently) is an acceptable thing to do?
@@DeadlyChinchilla She forced him into that corner.
@@DeadlyChinchillaI don't think it is really his fault he just seems to have a pretty dumb wife
Your wife doesn't value you unless shes thrown under the bus with you. Her friends wont apologize, why are you still in the relationship bro? Personally what happens in my bedroom stays in my bedroom and i only talk about it with the person im with. NOBODY ELSE NEEDS TO KNOW WHATS GOING ON. Its weird and a boundary issue a lot of people have nowadays.
Well I guess he was fine with them taking about sex plus she apologized and told her friends to apologize and stop talking to some so everything sounds good to me
@@ultraboy2669 I think that's where the problems started. Again nobody needs to know what's going on in my bedroom, it's private information that's nobody needs to know about outside "we're trying for a baby" or something like that. If my friends are asking how many times I go down on my partner and give me shit when they don't like my answer, I'm getting new friends cause these ones are weird AF.
@@JustSaiyanDude well apparently it’s normal for women sooo
@@ultraboy2669 and the women I know who do this end up with catty relationships and avoidable drama. Doesn't excuse anything
@@JustSaiyanDude yeah i guess
Wife is toxic. She's ashamed of her sexuality so she lies and let's others berate her husband just so she can keep up appearances then tells him he should just tolerate it because they're her friends and not his. If you would never do that to your significant other then you shouldn't be with someone who would do that to you.
So she basically said: "Grin and bear it because they're my friends." And I would've said: "Cool, grin and bear this divorce."
Exactly 🙄
That's probably precisely what she wants.
No wonder Americans have such a high divorce rate lol.
Just one bad thing that’s not even absolutely awful. They both stepped over a boundary and both apologized truthfully. Going for a divorce immediately for a disagreement is dumb lol. If you’re gonna break it off for that small of a reason don’t get married lol
@@starstorm3400 better than being trapped with someone who just blatantly disrespects you to your face and disregards your feelings and status as a partner. And an outsider can't talk, so stay in whatever trash bin you come from
@@l0rdapophis again if your gonna break it off because of something not even that major then don’t get married to them because it’s more struggle than it’s worth apparently.
Also I am American, dumbass
Being asexual and letting someone drag your husband are two separate things. Not cool. I would never! Why? Because I would love my partner! She's got more issues I think. Her therapist would rake her over the coals. Time to get back on the couch and make an apology to him.
as an asexual person... its really not hard or scary to tell your friends you don't have sex XD or maybe I just pick good people to be friends with.
that part is actually weird in the story. You would not care if you told everyone you are asexual if you are one. but she kept on a face... i dont know her reason... but she should have stepped up before things got out of hand and her husband becomes alienated
Same (as a fellow Ace). Like, you COULD leave out that you identify as Asexual (bc there’s bound to be ppl who have issues with anyone as part of the lgbt+, since there are Aphobes/Acephobes), but if you just say it as “oh, we don’t care to have much sex” then it leaves both parties blameless and doesn’t exactly spell out that one of them is Asexual. It can come off as exactly that, they CHOOSE to not have much sex, and it’s come off as weird (imo) to tell a couple, “you guys should be having more sex!”
It’s different for different people. One thing about my culture (it’s changed in the past decade or so, so it’s not “to bad”) that if a women didn’t want sex, she was mentally ill, and still needed to go through with it.
So to say she needs to get better friends it’s just weird and close minded of you.
@@J1ggS4WShe does need better friends. They tried to tell her to divorce him, uninvited him from gatherings but they were disturbing him in the first place
@@nilanjasa007 Yes, that I can agree with. But I was talking about how it’s not easy for some people to “come out” as asexual.
So you missed my argument completely because I wasn’t talking about how her friends were in the first place. I didn’t even talk about “friends” I talked about “coming out” and my culture with sex can effect someone who doesn’t like sex.
As an Ace woman myself who will never do this to anyone I find the wife disgusting. How she was treating op is unacceptable. I wonder if she even actually loves him? Because it *really* doesn’t sound like it. I hope that it gets better for op. Honestly just figure your sh¡t out *before* you get married so you don’t put that on anyone else. I refuse to be in relationships because there are times I can go 6 months without feeling any urges. That wouldn’t be fair to a romantic partner, unless they’re Ace too, and are genuinely not in that headspace too. So I just don’t date.
Going off memory wife got guy to go see her therapist with her. She wanted to talk to him about her feelings, and said she still has urges and wants to try to explore them. The husband didn't push it and said ok, then a bit later one day she asked him to come home early from work and he showed up to a dark house and her bent over the counter in the kitchen..lol, after that they semi regularly started doing the deed again, with her even initiating sometimes. It kinda seemed like she might just be a person with a low sex drive, and other stuff going on in her life combined with that to make her believe she didn't desire it at all. Also she dropped that old friend group and got new better friends. So overall relatively happy ending imo.
@@markfuston2714 I do believe that there are options for women with low sex drive. It's essentially the same as for men. Testosterone. Since testosterone is one of the main drivers in sex drive. Of course there are side effects, like possibly growing some extra body hair or a few facial hairs. But if it's something you want, I'd say that's worth the side effect.
I do wonder if it would work on asexual people too. I'm thinking maybe it would. Since asexual rates among women are much higher than among men, and women have less testosterone than men, maybe there's a correlation to be explored.
From what I gather from this story, she is still coming to grips with her sexuality and had a high sex drive before. These friends might be from those before times and she is keeping up appearances to not be an outsider. Yes, it isn't the right thing to do but it seems like they are working through it.
Coming to grips with being Ace is strange, especially if you are not sex adverse. And there are many people out there who are against the term Ace even if they are accepting of other LGBTQ+ groups. It isn't easy for everyone to come out. I am open with everyone except my mother and my work as they wouldn't be accepting of it. It is funny because my mom doesn't want to stay at my condo when visiting friends because she doesn't want to interrupt me and my partner when I always insist that she wouldn't be interrupting anything except maybe the cat's sleep schedules. lol
She didn't break his ankles and tie him to a bed. "I'm asexual and never having sex with you!" kinda deal she doesn't want to have sex and he is okay not having sex with her. I don't see the problem with that. They aren't forced to be in a relationship, doesn't sound like they have kids and having shame about your sexuality when it's not hetro seems pretty normal because we are all basically taught "hetrosexuality is normal all other sexualities is abnormal and bad." So yea hard to break you are an Ace when people don't believe it's a thing since Op has commenters literally telling him "She is obviously lying and cheating or just had a low libido so just bang her into having a high libido again."
As an ace woman, this is why i keep clear of hetrosexual men. Im sometimes attracted emotionally or romantically to them, but i stay away. I cant deal with their resentment or cheating so i stay off. Would only consider being with an asexual or very low libido man.
This is just bizzare. From the way she discovered her lack of sexuality that late, to her allowing derogatory comments thrown at him, and not cutting of off those friends who refused to apologized? That is not normal
She is only asexual to him. If they divorce (with her getting half of what is his) I bet her asexualism quickly disappears.
I mean it can take a while to come to terms with your sexuality but other then that I agree
@@samuelwoodouse4482 Sure, but her's is a complete lack of sexuality. I've heard of ace's who discover late they lack attraction but enjoy the sensation. But taking a decade into a marriage to go "ohhhh actually I /don't/ like any and all intimacy" is halfway between moronic and unbelievable
Wife knows she's not getting any other friends with how off putting she is, and OP's with her because he feels like he's invested too much time in her, I can tell v
@@antithoughtpolice7497 Dudes suffering from the sunken cost fallacy lol
Lol, I love how the guys immediately man-up and apologize while the women double down with "HoW dArE yOu!!!" and let OP know they intentionally plan to ruin his relationship. Toxic AF
Most women are deathly allergic to accountability.
Average modern woman in the US, honestly.
@@ClockworkGearhead nah this seems to be a common thing with women in general😂
@@Yamadekere Way to generalize. Most women would disagree with the woman in the story. Throwing your partner under the bus especially in front of your friends is extremely low
@@nellekx I know a lot of women ain’t like this, but a lot of girls are
This guy seems like he is trying to convince himself that all this is ok.
Do you think any woman stays in that situation without a "I can have special friends" caveat?
I see this as proof that men are way more loyal and romantic non-sexually than society gives them credit. He is tryifn to let loving someone be the most important thing. Sad for both in reality
It is okay, both of them made a mistake and they both took steps to apologize and resolve the issue. They are mature people.
@@professionalfangster1510 maybe but I don't think they fixed any underlying issues based on this story alone. They're going to counseling and trying to make it work. I don't think it's going to work though unless there are serious changes. Not sex but her attitude is terrible I would never let someone trash my wife let alone throw her under the bus in the first place.
this
Going off memory wife got guy to go see her therapist with her. She wanted to talk to him about her feelings, and said she still has urges and wants to try to explore them. The husband didn't push it and said ok, then a bit later one day she asked him to come home early from work and he showed up to a dark house and her bent over the counter in the kitchen..lol, after that they semi regularly started doing the deed again, with her even initiating sometimes. It kinda seemed like she might just be a person with a low sex drive, and other stuff going on in her life combined with that to make her believe she didn't desire it at all. Also she dropped that old friend group and got new better friends. So overall relatively happy ending imo.
Shes the asshole.. He should dump her as she clearly cares more about her reputation than about her husband.
Shes expecting him to respect her boundaries but has no problem lying about him and disrespecting him in a room full of people. This relationship will never work... not because of the lack of sex...but because of the lack of respect and honesty from the wife... she was quite happy to lie about her partner... totally disregard his feelings.. and pushed him under the bus... just so she could impress her friends.
It’s concerning what was said in front of people, makes you wonder what she said when he wasn’t around
It amazes me the wife's first response is to try manipulate him into thinking she has it worse, she is the asexual one, not him. She should be honest about it because general people don't actually care, they'd be more curious more than anything. He should leave her if she continues down this path of lies and manipulation.
Sorry, but this dude is a doormat. I know its very wrong to say that and i do feel very sorry for this couple. But this story made me despise her and disappointed of him.
He doesnt stand up for himself at all. He apologized more than any body else. Eventhough he didnt out her. He never said shes asexual, so its not an outing. He just corrected her lie
Not wrong to say because you're correct.
Also, she never told him she was asexual until after they were married! Wtf is that!? He was just okay with it. No, she lied and fooled you! Wake up
Homeboy is a certified wussy
Not all men are made equal. This guys belongs somewhere in the bottom of male hierarchy.
@@itsmia6521 Yeah. People make mistakes. Be mature. This isn’t something someone can’t forgive. If this was cheating or something else I’d understand , but it seems some people just have too much pride.
OP: “Our marriage is really great.”
Then proceeds to spend the next ten minutes describing the complete opposite of that statement.
@@MikeHawthorne-qv2ft yeah but that is a single snippet of there life on a post that was them venting that’s like judging bob ross as an asshole based only on his time in the military
The friends are a reason why men dont open up to women
those "friends" are why I don't have friends 😂
Even without those friends men wouldn't open up
@@Redesign24 I never did that. You act like men wouldn't use personal information against us. Men are just afraid and to proud to talk about it but than complain about not beeing able to do that
@@JuliaJuanaAlvarez and you act like all men are afraid and too proud to talk about it, then complain… Maybe everyone should stop trying to assume everyone is the same because of their gender, eh.
@@stevenballantyne9710 Maybe maybe
Okay the girls were mean yes but the boys were real homies
Like always, what do you expect from females. Absolutely nothing. But the boys will always be there. 🍻
The asexuality is obviously a problem, but beside the point here.
When it came down to choosing defending you or siding with her friends attacking you, she chose her friends. She has no compulsion to defend her husband.
_That's_ the problem.
She doesn't sleep with him or have his back so she really doesn't even value him as a friend...So why is he with her exactly?...I'm so confused.
Not to mention the fact that she didn't have to discuss their sex life with those people at all. She chose this.
@@a_noelles and since she was lying anyway, why not say her husband is the best at giving oral?? Why choose that particular time to be truthful??
I don't think asexuality is the issue
@@aceclop the dudes lying, it‘s a big big issue
The outing is entirely on her. She hid it by lying about it, making OP the villain, and not stepping up to correct and stop it. You lose any moral high ground at that point
My wife was also asexual. She felt no sexual attraction to me or anyone nor did she have sexual urges. But she did want to be a mother and so a few years into our marriage we started trying to have kids. We'd had sex a few times before and we both climaxed but she didn't feel any desire to do it more often. But once we started trying to have kids she would get excited to go to the bedroom as soon as I got home from work. Soon she got pregnant and everything changed. She went from mostly disinterested to almost a sex fiend. It was likely hormones but she was way more into it and craved it. Eventually our first child was born and while I had originally been fine with no sex because I loved her, I admit I was worried we would go back to that. Those 9 months of pretty constant sex had brought us alot closes. I didn't want to lose that. We went to a therapist to figure out what would be healthy for us mentaly and our pastor for the spiritual side. My wife said that while her urges had subsided she still wanted to keep the intamacy. That was 10 years ago. We have 5 children now. If you have an asexual partner or if you are asexual the most important thing is for you both to be honest about what you want out of the marriage or relationship.
Sounds like asexuality is a too little understood condition that is too quickly relegated to a simple sexuality when it's far more complex and has nowhere near enough research to say x or y. What you describe could just as much pertain to neurology, psychiatry, psychology and sociology, than biology and sexuality. Same with the video's story.
I mean isn't it a little weird that a sexual orientation gets changed by hormones and brain chemistry or even by personal convictions & social environment? Think about the implications.
@Dice-Z sexuality is completely hormonal and neurological. Why do you think gay and / or lesbians are attracted to the same sex. It's because their hormones are firing off when normally they wouldn't be. Women and men go through hormonal cycles, but women's are more obvious due to mood swings and either an increase or decrease in desire for sex caused by you guessed it, hormones. Asexual people simply don't have the hormone levels that normally cause sexual attraction and a desire for sex. Or, they don't have a proclivity for pleasure seeking. It's usually one of the 2. A lot of people don't realize this, but there is a difference between sexual and romantic attraction. Many Mairages and relationships that fail fail because they were built on lust and physical connection. So what about the sexualities. Am I saying that they are all based on lust and hormones? Yeah, pretty much. As to the implications, it implies that we are beginning to put way too much importance on sexual expression at the expense of actual love.
I understand the wife just newly discovered she is asexual but thats no excuse to make someone who cares deeply about you out to be a inconsiderate and selfish person. Especially if they have been very supportive.
Honestly how is this gonna work. Obviously physical intimacy with the person he loves is important to him and he doesn't wish to be treated like a chore so over time they will drift apart. She should go and find an asexual partner and set him free. Or well he should leave her.
Definitely sexual compatibility is really important
I'd say the cracks are showing and he's in denial, but long-term, the relationship is doomed, one way or another. The disrespect she showed is as big a red flag at the lack of sexual compatibility.
Yeah in general asexual people should be very wary of entering relationships with people who aren't asexual/low drive. Especially risky with people who have a high drive or have an overly agreeable personality. It's just not compatible the majority of the time. I have no doubt that the majority of the "successful" ace/notace relationships are ticking time bombs of bottled up frustration.
I feel bad for anyone who discovers (although i have my reservations on the whole "suddenly finding a new sexuality and completely changing behaviour to match it better" approach many have) it halfway through, though, because it can be a very difficult situation for everyone involved. If a breakup happens, it means it was inevitable, no one is at fault and no one should be blamed for what they desire out of a relationship.
Just a PSA guys, the whole sex life dies after a while is bullshit. Ive been with my wife well over a decade, we have 3 kids and I work a lot. We still have a good sex life, these women are bored of their partners, it doesnt have to happen to you!
Same with me. Been married for over 12 years and don’t remember the last time we had sex less than twice a day. People that accept a dead / inactive bedroom are losers
Agree been married for over 30 years still have a great sex life✌️
Well yeah, typically for 1 of 2 reasons. She was never into him and he’s a financial safety net, or just as common she’s getting it somewhere else
@@Christopher-eq1rn she's literally asexual
Asexual people don't like having sex and all the problem was She discovered later when being married and instead of saying she was asexual she said her husband didn't had s3x with dhe
@Christopher-eq1rn there is also the third option: she is too carear orientated and is too tired to do it. This is a common excuse but it's actually quite rare to be true but it can be.
Why is a group of people talking and sharing their personal s*x experiences and stories? That's weird af and not normal in my opinion.
Yes, you can share a few things with your closest friebds, but a room full of both genders? Also one can generally talk about what they like and don't like. You don't have to give out the most intimate details of your life.
Also the fact that women between each other talk so openly about their intimate life and we are here blaming men and being mad at them when they do that.
My friend and I do it in front of her mom. Who doesn't like it. So I've tried to tune it down sense to respect her wishes (now that ive figured out how to do that)
It's not that weird. Just improper.
@@Glacierlune I’m sorry but talking about that in front of your mom or your friend’s mom is downright weird.
My parents would be the last person I would talk in front of about this.
@@n0rmal953 yep we are both autistic.
That's one thing kind of spoke out to me because I've seen stories like this where the guys like. No, no see, I'm not the a****** and makes up some crazy a** story.
I don't know. My wife and I have a friend group of other couples and it isn't unusual for these topics to be discussed. Especially if it's late and a lot of alcohol has been consumed.
You need to divorce the wife and dump all of those friends. This whole situation is depressing, gross and wrong.
I would be really concerned about who her friends are
As an Asexual myself. I would never throw my partner under the bus. To me it's very wrong of the OP's wife to do that.
I like how all the men involved are so chill, and the OP is a great dude ngl. All the wives involved are the problem here, it's funny at this point lol
I would say op not the AH but but the friends seem pretty toxic... I mean I understand where they're coming from but it just seems weird how angry they got and never apologized for it...I mean op should have said it in a different way like.."oh we don't really do oral s** as much..." Or "we do do it sometimes it's just that we don't like to do it alot..." And not just straight-up admitted that the wife is asexual if she's very uncomfortable by telling people...
Why not a “why are you lying about us? You know it’s not true!”
@@MathildaFlowbc she was throwing him under the bus.
I'm ace and being ace doesn't mean you have to be an asshole. She was clearly in the wrong, she's letting her friends drag him down over something he didn't have control over. If those friends were true friends she should've just put up boundaries on their conversation to not make the other partner feel uncomfortable. I don't even think she should've even joined this conversation if she didn't have anything to say.
But to all the commenters invalidating her sexuality, I think that's immature and going against the message op was trying to spread. That this problem was by her own actions not by her sexuality
I was never sexual like my friends growing up. Even when I had girlfriends and eventually a wife, I just considered it low libido. After my inevitable divorce, I finally feel free of the pressure of having sex. None of my friends or co-workers understand me. They consider having sex as important as breathing, I don't, and I've never been happier.
Same. Took me years to understand what I like doing the laundry just as much as having sex. When I hear my friends talk about the desire to be close to people and wanting to be in passionate relationships I feel like something's missing in my brain. I seem to be the only one in my life who's happy to not have sex. Luckily, my husband is ok with this.
@@Nathan_BookwurmHe's not. Not really. He loves you, so he tolerates it. But I promise you 100% he is fundamentally NOT okay with it. Nobody who is not asexual is going to be okay being celibate, even if they're able to endure it. Some people can hold their breath a really, really long time, but they still need air.
And here's the thing. You can do activities with someone that you wouldn't do by yourself, and perhaps aren't interested in, but STILL enjoy them because you know the person you love is having a good time. Concerts, dinner parties, board games, etc. Sex is one of those things, and it's actually a lot easier than getting dressed up and going to a dinner party.
Even if you don't want sex, you can do it and even enjoy having it not because you desire it but because he enjoys it, and because you love him, you enjoy making him happy. Right? Because if you know your SO is not asexual, and you are, and you aren't engaging in an activity he deeply enjoys (and frankly, needs) because of your own disinterest, Im telling you right now you don't love him, you're selfish. You love yourself and you love the convenience and support he provides, but you don't love HIM or else you would engage in what makes him happy, the same way I am SURE he does things he would normally not do for you.
@@jadedandbitter That's a big assumption to make about the husband without even knowing him 💀
@@ShiriR6 I can say with confidence that 90%+ of non-asexual men would not be cool with it. That number jumps higher for gay men (given the much easier access to casual sex they have), and given the name, Id guess that's the case here.
Like, when men get married we are signing away a future of possible sexual experiences for one source. If that source unexpectedly dries up causing us to either be involuntarily celibate (or a cheater) almost no man is going to say "oh, Id be just as happy as if this didn't happen". Because they could not truthfully say that, they are not "cool with it": deep down they wish it wasn't the case.
@@jadedandbitter SO basicaly have sex with him Even if You don't want to and if You don't is because You don't love him????weird ass dude🤡🤡🤡
Why would You want to have sex with someone who doesnt wanna do it with you anyway???a good advice would actually be finding someone like you not forcing yourself to have sex 🤦🤢
"My marriage is not over."
It is, the poor bastard just doesn't know it yet.
Guys like this just love being miserable
Bro knows nothing except what was said here and thinks it’s over 😂 Adults make mistakes, adults lie sometimes. She was caught in a lie like most people have been and went with it, presumably because of anxiety and not wanting to be seen weird by her friends. Yes, shitty, but if you can’t forgive the love of your life for something like that, you’re doomed in all your relationships, if you even had any.
@@seru_phiusHer first reaction was to let them berate him then let it continue rather than try anything to defend him, she then chose to continue speaking to those people after the refused to apologise to him. Personally I’d cut friends off if they treated my partner the way her friends treated the OP.
@@aetherialbeing4223 but as full grown adults sometimes it’s better to talk things out. I get being upset but doing things that fast is a little strange imo.
@@seru_phius what is there to talk about in this scenario? His wife threw him under the bus by heavily implying he wasn’t willing to go down on her, he tried to defend himself, her friends continued to berate him and she done nothing. When her friends were told that he hadn’t done anything wrong and was actually pretty good to her they refused to apologise, that’s worth cutting off imo, they clearly don’t respect their partner or their relationship. The wife is awful as well for letting the OP get treated like that then playing victim.
Wild how the husbands
And the poly couple understood how shit that was completely but the quilt club could not.
It's not wild. It's predictable.
Asexuality aside.
You don’t humiliate your partner like that, no matter the topic, no matter the people.
No backbone that lady.
Imagine thinking it's fine for the husband to know that the people your wife hang out with actually hates you, and worse, hate you for things you didn't do.
No, if YOU *can't* go, she SHOULDN'T go. You're her second half so, she should feel unwelcome as well.🤦🏾♀️
i cant walk in the dressing rooms and bathrooms for women but if she gets invited im obligated to go
Not the same; one is categoric discrimination for the sake of increasing safety, the other is personal discrimination because they attacked him and then blamed him for their choices.
When no one else is being honest, it's time to show them how it's done, especially when it's all at your expense. No one deserves to be humiliated simply to save someone elses face when they're too afraid to take the mask off.
Her friends are out to lunch, which is typical and they should be ignored and avoided at all costs. Personally, I would be filing for divorce.
"Don't tell no lies bout me, and I won't tell no truths bout you" type energy
i wouldve told my friends. and since i am asexual, i have, and i understand how horrid it is to be outed when you arent ready but legit none of this wouldve happened if she had shut it down before he was verbally assaulted by her so-called friends.
furtheron, i will explain. libido is desire for sex. sexuality is who you are sexually attracted to. romantic attraction is who you are romantically attracted to. people who experience sexual and/or romantic attraction use who they are attracted to and seek out romantic and/or sexual relations with them.
It sounds like her friends are perfectly accepting of it, and she’s the only one who’s embarrassed about it.
I feel that is their personal life. Why on Earth would you share ANYTHING with mere strangers (whom those friends actually are).
He’s a fool for apologizing and he needs to divorce her
I am asexual and while I didn’t know that term I was honest to my husband from the start. I told him as we dated for longer and got more serious before we married or even lived together, “I might never want sex are you ok with that?” And I’m always a straight shooter and had so many tell me sex is required and resigned myself to rejection but wanted to be honest.
He still wished to be with me despite that. And honestly while the wife likely just didn’t know herself yet her husband was accepting she sure as hell shouldn’t have let him suffer like that. Her husband still adjusting and calling it maintenance is just cold and worse letting her friends drag her husband! Like that is the man you claim to love! If you’re ashamed to tell your friends you’re asexual to your friends you should ask yourself why.
Also you LIVE with your husband, what about his feelings? I'm glad they are going to couple counseling they definitely need to sort things out.
She did nothing wrong by calling it maintenance since thats what it is, its not an offensive term. Its just an accurate term to describe how she views the act. I mean OP himself said he would never want to sleep with someone who isnt equally interested in the deed, so what if the wife didnt call it maintenance, sIept with him, then he later discovers that it was maintenance... how would he feel then? He would feel vioIated. She did NOTHING wrong regarding her aceness
Her wrongdoings lie completely on how she acted in the party and after the party
Respect to you being honest, because this is what everyone should be doing. Lying is setting oneself up for misery. Meanwhile, being honest (=/= uncivilized, that one is for the people who like "brutal honesty") with people means you will filter out 99% of the fake ones who don't like you for you. You win the lottery, keep it up.
@@botanicalitus4194 F for social awareness and empathy.
Asking your husband to back you up when you're lying to your friends is one thing - I'm sure most of us could relate to that. Throwing him under the bus because you don't know how to have a conversation with the people you're supposed to be able to trust is just... pathetic. Yes, eye for an eye is petty but in the words of Agent Jay; Don't start nothing, it won't be nothing.
It’s incredibly shitty to sit there and let your friends talk trash about your wife or husband like that. He wouldn’t have felt backed into a corner like he needed to explain himself if she’d stepped in and said that things weren’t like that. I feel for the wife in that it sucks to get outed like that, it sucks a lot, but it could have been avoided by sticking up for her partner against her group of incredibly nasty and invasive friends.
This hits close to me cause I remember coming out as asexual to my ex, and the first thing he asked was “ will we still have sex?” Right then I realized he wasn’t the one and shortly after he became distant with me
I still feel bad for breaking up with him but I realized that I was never going to be enough for him
Im 100% sure he thought the same thing when you said that lol like its just as sad to hear from his perspective .
@@ladaleenglish6756 he said he was okay with it but I think he was cheating from then on cause he simultaneously dated his best friend after me
@@elfenlied_girl1238 You said that you realized he wasn't the one. So I imagine your behavior towards him changed after that.
So not only did you say you didn't desire him, but you also changed in your behavior towards him since you no longer saw a future with him. That's a lot to deal with. I imagine his best friend helped him through all of these emotions he was dealing with and in the process they grew close. Doesn't mean he cheated on you. But if one of them had feelings that were unexpressed, it could be that as soon as your relationship was over, those feelings were then expressed since there was nothing holding them back anymore and then BAM, they're dating. But let's be honest. It's not like he started dating her right after you broke up. It sounds like your relationship was over well before you broke up. You no longer saw him as the one, and he grew distant. You were probably going through the emotions for a while at the end.
@@turinturambar347 congrats, thanks for victim blaming.
@@turinturambar347 I still loved him and thought he’d change, he used be violent and I still accepted him, so I thought he would too, that’s when he became different and that’s when I realized he didn’t see me the same way and I him, you’re right the relationship was dying but I wasn’t the cause of it, I can’t be blamed for wanting to be myself, if I had allowed myself to be coerced to do sexual acts with him, it would’ve been hell for me.
The fact that the friends are like
I will get her to break up with them
The boyfriends
OMG I didn’t know let me get you a beer
I tend to believe if someone doesn’t take the heat with you they don’t really care about you. If she won’t even defend you from being berated by friends what WILL she defend you from?
The husband apologizing for standing up to himself in a situation his wife put him into shows that’s there’s a much bigger problem here than the wife being Asexual. Where is his dignity? Where is his respect for himself? How could a woman respect a man when a man doesn’t even respect himself. I would go as far as to say that the husband is part of the problem.
The husband clearly has no issues being the doormat of the relationship thus his wife sees no reason to respect him and put effort into the relationship. I wonder if his wife is truly asexual or rather just that she isn’t attracted to him. I wonder if his wife is ashamed of being asexual or rather she just ashamed of being married to him.
The fact that she chose her friends over him and are just gonna exclude him in future events and gatherings leads me to believed the ladder. A relationship of convenience is all that is, nothing more nothing less.
This is a peak example of internet psychology
100% facts. You can tell by the added edits that this guy has zero self respect. But then again, if he did have self respect, he probably wouldn't be a redditor.
The wife could've said that she simply doesn't like having someone go down on her and defend her husband or at the very least make sure he doesn't look bad around others. But she decided that the opinions of her "friends" and them "defending her" was more important than her husband and his feelings.
Also there's just something wrong with people who just openly talk about their private intimate life. It's called private and intimate for a reason, it's supposed to be something exclusive to the wife and husband not the neighbors, that's what makes the experience unique and special.
“Wife didn’t bait and switch me for a ring”, -op
Ya she did
You can really hear the simp delusion in those lines. He's not trying to convince us, he's trying to convince himself.
@@robkino6137 This is a cope, he obviously doesnt care as much aboutsex as yaII do and thats fine. Being unable to comprehend the fact that some people think differently from oneself is a sign of lowIQ
Leave her. This is a crazy red flag and he's making all justifications in the world for it. It's not about the sex, it's about how she would drink him through the mud like that and allow her friends to say those things to him. No no no no no
The OP is delusional if he thinks that this marriage will last a lifetime. Really really sad. They are fundamentally incompatible. Yes there is more to a relationship than sex, but if it’s important to one partner in a relationship and not the other, to the point where he knows they will never desire him, it won’t work long term.
OP will want more, and he deserves that. OP’s wife is selfish to try and keep the relationship after changing a fundamental part of the foundation of the relationship. He will never be truely happy or fulfilled with her and she knows it.
They should both seek partners they are compatible with on a fundamental level. They are in their 20’s. I hope they don’t waste too much time trying to make a relationship work that will only make both miserable in the end.
If you believe that sex is any part of an important relationship and that you cannot have a relationship without having sex there's something wrong with you
@@Kevin-og1zx Sex is important. It’s a way to bond with your partner. It doesn’t have to be crazy healthy sex life is considered at least once a week, but I wouldn’t say that something is wrong with somebody just because they want that kind of intimate intimacy in a relationship.
@@Kevin-og1zxBullshit. Maybe if she communicated her asexuality before the marriage you might have a point. But she didn't and you don't. She switched up after she had already gotten the ring. And yes, sex is absolutely necessary for most healthy relationships to continue and to deny this fact is just absolutely delusional.
@@Kevin-og1zx read what I wrote again lol. That’s absolutely NOT what I said.
What is said is that they are now fundamentally incompatible. One partner craves sex and intimacy, the other (years into the relationship mind you) does not and will never.
The OP will not ever be fulfilled and happy in a relationship like this. He’s in his early 20’s- please be realistic.
When something so fundamental changes it will never work. You are focusing on the sex aspect only, I’m just pointing out that in general it is an irreconcilable difference in compatibility.
@@Kevin-og1zxtell me that you’ve never been in an ACTUAL relationship without telling me.
you sound like a elementary school kid.
sex is a big part of a relationship and i’m saying this as a woman with little no no sex drive due to medication who has 5 kids and was married for 20+ years.
you ARE EXTREMELY DELUSIONAL if you think sex doesn’t factor into a relationship.
Dr. Drew had a interview with his wife that I am having trouble finding. She had fertility treatment, had several kids, and then an early menopause. She had zero libedo, nuked from orbit. She still occasionally had sex for his sake. Then she found out about a specialist, specifically in women with no libedo. Even if someone never had a sex drive it does not mean it wasn't just always the hormones. Maybe not in every case but these are sensitive little organs and some medications can shut them off for good. Worth a shot for anyone relating. She was married to a doctor and neither had any idea such a treatment existed. Went ten years like that which she has regret and guilt over. There is a short YMH clip called dr drew sex champ where he breifly mentions it. So in her case it didn't go from a 0 or 1 to a 3 it was more like a 6 out of 10.
I know testosterone can boost sex drive in both men and women. I've always wondered if it works with asexuals as well.
@@turinturambar347 I think you have to be a specialist to know for sure. And not even then. You run a clinic treating those specific conditions and you probably have some that responded well and some that don't. And you make small adjustments and don't really know how it turnsout until years later. Probably going to be a huge area of focus for decades to come with so many young people going on HRT for trans identity reasons. Unfortunately I think there is not enough careful documentation of the effects.
Asexuals can experience libido, it’s often not one’s decision. If she doesn’t experience the attraction I don’t think hormones are affecting that.
@@couldnt_be_anna22 Asexual seems to become a nebulous definition to some people. But if you want to have sex with nobody, and have no libedo, I think we can understand that person calling themselves asexual. There is no way of changing what gender if any you are attracted to but if you solve not having a libedo, that probably helps. In this video the women enjoyed sex when it happened, she just had zero interest in initiating. The food tastes good but she isn't hungry and isn't going to be hungry ever. There has to be at least some people who come to the reasonable conclusion they are asexual when they just have something making there libido nonexistent. It is not an easy thing to fix when it happens. But there is treatment that can at least be attempted. I think in the case of Dr. Drew's wife it was just bringing her testosterone level up to what is normal for an adult woman.
@@badmood88 interesting
Asexual people saying that not making asexual people have sex is harmful.
WHAT?!?!
I don't understand how people are so open with other people about their sex lives.
They need to deal with the issue somehow.
I am aroace. I have never in my life experienced romantic or sexual attraction. Nor do i believe i ever will. Frankly, I don't need it.
The wife is the AH here. I understand where she's coming from. I do. In middle school I often felt like i was broken because I did not experience or partake in sexual activity like my friends.
This woman is alone. She does not have good friends and is feeling pressured by them to not be asexual. I know the types. They're extremely judgemental and reccomend all sorts of drugs and therapies rather than accepting that asexuality is not a disease to be cured.
The husband needs to understand that he will never have what he wants. I gave up on relationships long ago for that very reason. I do not want intimacy. Ever. No amount of persistence or perfection will change that fact. I was born this way. It is incredibly difficult for an allosexual(someone not asexual) person to be with an asexual. Someone has to compromise their comfort zone. It sounds like the wife is uninterested, but not averse. However, he needs to get over his fantasies. He will grow to hate his wife for the things she doesnt want to do. It would be within his rights to leave over this. I understand sex is imporant for these people.
The wife is trying to make herself into someone she is not. And she needs to understand that this is who she is. She is not going to change magically. She needs to wake up. It is incredibly unfair for her to do this to her husband. And it is unfair of the husband to not address these issues with his wife. I would not be surprised if they split up. This is some highschool level bull imo.
I very much appreciate your icon picture.
He said he doesn’t really mind not having sex though and they’re going to couples therapy again so hopefully things will work out for them. Always cool to meet another ace on the inter webs :)
This guy is a doormat and very clearly not ok with the current state of the relationship. You can love someone and still not be a good fit due to stuff like this.
His marriage is doomed for failure; his wife should’ve kept it real with her friends and stood up for her husband.
But ultimately, this guy is deluding himself, he says he loves his wife (good for him) and he understands his wife’s asexuality - yet he opts out of sex because he wants his partner to desire him sexually. It’s a bad joke and there’s going to be so much resentment down the line. He can lie to himself now but it’s going to catch up to him later on.
Wish them the best, though.
There are plenty of allosexexual people in happy relationships with asexual people so I don’t think that’s it. The real thing that will end their marriage is the wife’s behavior and insecurity
The amount of mental gymnastics pulled to try and blame the husband for this is a nice reminder of why im staying single.
"It would be better if you didn't came to gatherings anymore" after all it was explained.
Her female friends just don't like him and never liked him. I would make them admit it at least AND EAT the fact they didn't give a shit that I got the brunt of their bullshit.
Just to KEEP clear they were in the wrong, even if that piss them off royally.
Long story short, she should have just kept her mouth shut all together. But her throwing you under the bus like that for whatever reason and said the lies she said, if it were me, that would have been a divorce. Forget the sexual aspect, that was just totally disrespectful to lie and then let her friends chew you up even after telling the truth.
There’s nothing wrong with being asexual but you cannot force your partner to be a celibate. You cannot tie him down in a relationship not satisfying his needs especially if you decided to become asexual after marriage.
If you are going to become asexual than either be single or be asexual towards another asexual. Don’t trick a man into marrying you and than decide to be asexual.
Then*
The wife didn’t decide to be ace, she realized she was ace…
@@rockmusicisperfection2791 most people dont take ten yrs into a marriage to realize stuff ......
Trick ? Lol, He can divorce y'know.
1. She didn't decide to become anything
2. He's not being tied down or forced into anything
3. She has offered plenty of times to have intercourse with him and has said that it is something she is willing to do. HE denies it. HE doesn't want to take her up on that offer. HE is choosing to stay with her regardless of her sexuality. And as he stated in the end, even if they knew she was ace from the beginning he would still be with her. Stop trying to make it sound like she's being a cruel wife by simply being asexual.
If your wife does anything but defend you against people putting you down, it's time she sleeps on the couch and writes a formal apology to you and those in attendance.
Same goes for a husband. No retaliation, just punishment. If punishment is refused and you aren't religious: divorce. If religious, being it to the clergy and force the issue there.
It is NOT acceptable for a married person to disrespect a spouse, and double so in public.
While some asexuals have an adversion to sex, others just don't like it, and it's pretty clear that the wife is the second type. And you can see it like this: imagine not liking watching movies, but because your partner loves to do so, you watch them with your partner because you love seeing your partner happy and in turn that makes you happy. It can be like that for asexuals as well, and it sounds like the wife was 100% okay with still having sex to make OP happy, and it was him who turned it down.
I think they should talk about this in private
honestly I think the fact she is willing to do it for the benefit of keeping her lover is big sign she loves him, the only issue is how long can she endure and keep it up before she gets resentful and tired of having to do that rather than being enthusiastic about it.
The dude clearly stated that them not having sex was *not* the problem, the problem emerged when thei wife did nothing when the dude was getting berated for being the reason they didn't have sex, for being painted as the bad guy, when, like it or not, the reason they don't have in the first place is the wife's fault (or more like, it's because of her), because frankly, who the hell would like to have sex with someone that doesn't enjoy it?
The easy solution would've been: the wife should've lied about that too (just like she had been doing all throughout the night). The husband would've been cool with it, and nothing would've happened
@@xirochamber5863 It's a lot easier to do it to please a partner than it is to do without it to please a partner. For example, I don't like corn. I don't hate corn. Corn is just a food that I feel nothing for. If I had to eat corn every day to stay alive, I'd do it. I'm neutral about it. There are other aspects about my life that I can find fulfillment from. But to do without food at all. Even if you could hook me up with a daily pill that kept me alive, I'd still be dealing with the hunger and that hunger would be more and more difficult to deal with over time. A lifetime of hunger is a lifetime that is not worth living. I'd rather just walk into traffic.
"This marriage is over, they just dont know it yet" ahh situation
Yeah its not selfish, its time to probably find someone who wants you.
I'm not ace but i'm autistic and have trouble with bodyfluids germs and body odors so i also have a hard time with sex and dont do it much,
the husband sounds like a dream tbh he's been reacting very well to the news she gave him and made their marriage work still.
Now SHE didnt react well at all and even though her friends aren't the type of people that would understand their relationship she should just knock the questions off instead of lying and making these conversation happen.
She couldve handled it so much better and i understand she was scared to get judged but letting anyone badmouth your partner is disrespect.
Female apologies are always the most pathetic display of pride and prejudice ever. "I'm sorry but also it's not my fault and you shouldn't come around anymore because all my friends are too embarrassed for sexually harrassing you." This marriage is doomed, the well is already poisoned.
Like it’s one thing to like make up stories but throwing your partner under the bus is not ok
I would never allow my friends to trash talk my boyfriend, and if he ever became my husband you better believe I’ll throw hands
I love my girls and I know they love their partners and I would never hurt their partners feelings unless they were crossing lines
In no place am I to tell them off or shame them for their private business. Fucking disgusting
The girl is the AH
Why? Because none of this would have happened if she didn’t marriage trap him into her sexuality hanging the love they had as his only collar to keep him
Lied to her friends over and over and over, talked about fake in bed experiences about him to said friends, let her friends humiliate him over and over, shame him, was given a chance to defend him or switch the story multiple times but chose to hurt him and look good over making him feel comfortable, girl does not deserve a healthy relationship all that bs and he was basically forced to tell them the truth to stop the onslaught against him
I complete agree with everything you said except the marriage trapping part. She didn’t know or she would’ve told him or ended the relationship before it got this far
She needs new friends. What she did was NOT okay, but her friends were way worse. They are his enemies, they made that clear. And a marriage is a team. To fight against him like that is to pick a side, and that's toxic for any marriage.
sure romance isn't JUST about procreation but to the average normal human, procreation is the ultimate peak of intimacy and love and is sacred in that regard. if you two can make it work thats completely OKAY. Just don't sit here and think you are all knowing because something works for you.
How did he come off as all knowing? People were making assumptions about his desires and his relationship. He can say what he wants about his life. And the last commenter saying that without sex there was no romance is objectively just wrong.
@@Wandervenn he just sounded too pedantic and gives me the sense of an over bloated ego maybe he is maybe he isn’t but I just know I don’t like the tone of his words in his story
@@xirochamber5863 The man who let his wife use him as a doormat and puts up with a sexless marriage has a bloated ego? I don't think you understand men. If anything, he seems like he's been a pushover in his relationship, which is not a trait common for people with bloated egos.
@@turinturambar347 yes his ego is bloated. That’s why he’s trying to justify his lack of intimacy in his relationship. That’s called ego recovery which means he needs to lower his sense of moral high ground and take a good look at what the reality of his life is. In this case his desperation in keeping his ego is what is causing him to stagnate. He needs to ascend therefore let go of ego.
@Idontknow-br6me lol he is lacking in intimacy if he can’t get his rocks off. Intimacy isn’t just hugging and kissing or cuddling it’s also love making too. And considering his body functions like a normal man’s he either should remove his testes or break up with her because even he has said self pleasure isn’t working out for him. He’s going to eventually resent her or either destroy his body to make his biological function similar to hers. Either way kids won’t be involved in that marriage.
Sexuality of any type has nothing to do with lying, humiliating, and refusing to defend her husband. I'm glad he apologized for being such a jerk for not being happy with being abused. Smh.
if you're an asexual you should tell your partner beforehand, before marriage. just like when you can't have kids, don't want kids, or be honest on any other things that can jeopardize your family in the long run.
if you don't, you're not different from a con or scammer.
she didnt know
@@applespotty2232she did
I agree, but she didn’t find out she was asexual until well into their marriage
@@couldnt_be_anna22then she should have sat him down and explained it to him while giving him an out if he wants to take it. She just assumed he'd be ok with it and moved on, that's not right.
@@couldnt_be_anna22 how convenient for her
NTA - good for standing up for yourself. I know he does love his wife, but it's probably better just to move on
"there is more to a romantic relationship than sex"...sure, but its one of the primary things separating you from best friends that're roommates. Its honestly kind of sad watching people dismiss sex and acting like they're somehow better for "not needing it".
That implies a couple who kisses, makes out, hugs, goes on dates, and does other romantic things are just best friends? A lot of us actually feel worse than others or like we’re broken for not experiencing that desire. I don’t think I’ve met anyone who bragged about not having sex
@@couldnt_be_anna22read through the comments, you'll find a few
[UPDATE 2] AITAH for 'outing' my wife's asexuality after she just let her friends gang up on me? (
In all honesty, I hadn't seen the response to the original update. I posted and logged out. I know it's been a few months but I figured people might want to at least hear this update since it's a pretty positive one.
To get this out of the way first, no - we haven't divorced or broken up, despite the dozens of comments suggesting we do. A couple of weeks after my wife being shown the Reddit post (or TikTok video, I guess), my wife asked me if I would come with her to a therapy session. I was a bit apprehensive about it because she's very private about her therapy to the point where she won't even let me drive her to the appointment, but I agreed.
We get to the appointment and the therapist asks me to wait a minute while she gets settled in. Shortly after, she calls me in and introduces herself. I sat down and she asks why I think [wife's name] asked me to come today. I said I figured it had to do with her being asexual. Honestly though, I thought maybe my wife needed a safe space to say she wants to split up, so I was pretty nervous about the whole situation. My wife sort of nods along, and as the conversation progresses, I gave my perspective of the incident at the party. The next bit felt like a classroom lecture - specifics about asexuality, explanation of it being a spectrum, how lack of desire doesn't mean not enjoying sex, and so on. The therapist turns to my wife and asks if she'd like to speak now or if she'd like her to do it for her. My wife tries, but whatever words she wants to say aren't coming out.
The therapist goes on to explain that my wife wants to make an effort to have a sexual relationship with me. Not out of guilt, 'maintenance', or my benefit, but because it's something she now wants to pursue. She asks how I feel about that, and I just answer honestly with more or less what I've said here. I don't feel like it's mutually fulfilling for two people to have sex if only one person has any desire for it. I admit that I don't understand how her having sex with me is not being done strictly for my benefit, but my wife starts sobbing and tells me that despite being at peace with being asexual, she really wants to want me that way. I try to reassure her that she isn't broken or needs to be fixed (which are things she's told me she feels like), but she says it's something she desperately wants in her life. She begins telling me how supportive of her I've always been, how amazing I am, how much she loves me, and how happy she is to find someone who actually loves her. The therapist cuts in and asks if I'd at least give it a try, and that if it still makes me uncomfortable, then I can just admit that since we already have communicated that well to each other. I'll admit, I wasn't comfortable with it, but with seeing my wife cry because it's something she does want to make an effort into, I said I would. We talked about it some more, and my wife concluded that she will ask me when she's ready to take that step.
Nothing happened in a little over a week since that therapy session. One day, my wife called my office and asked if could get out early. Admittedly, I kind of wrote off anything happening, so it didn't factor into my mind. It wasn't unusual to ask me this anyway - there have been days where she's been pretty low, and I have a pretty flexible work schedule, so knocking out a few hours early wasn't something new. I asked if everyone was okay, and she said she just wanted me to come home, so I did. When I got in, the curtains had all been drawn, and she had lit a candle in the kitchen. When I walked into the kitchen, she was completely naked and bent over the counter. I won't go too far into the details, except when I tried asking what she was doing, she cut me off and said I wasn't allowed to talk until after.
Things have been really good since then. I've gone to some more sessions with her to try and understand her more. A lot of our sex is still me pursuing her, but there have been times where she's spontaneously climbed on top of me or unzipped my pants while watching TV. When we were walking home from dinner once, she pulled her dress down to flash me her breasts (she had seen it in a movie we watched and thought I'd get a kick out of it). Maybe she doesn't desire people sexually or feel that usual sexual desire, and part of that does still bother me a little, but she seems happier now, and she seems to enjoy our sex life. I'll admit, I've gotten kind of used to being flatly asked "do you need a blowjob today?" even if the approach is more mechanical than anything else.
Unrelated, but she's more or less cut her friend group off. There was some other weird stuff going on that I won't get in to, but she said how they've been after the whole incident has made her uncomfortable. She started a new job and made some new friends from hobbies, and they all seem great. It feels like forever since she's been this happy, and it feels like I'm dating her for the first time all over again.
Anyways, that's it. This'll be the last update. Sorry if it was a bit long winded.
tl;dr: Wife brought me to therapist to explain that while she doesn't feel any sexual desire, she still wants to desperately make an attempt at a sex life. Have been having a lot of sex. Life is good.
the equivalent of a lazy dude scoring a job above minimum wage
I’m also ace and single I doubt I’ll have a relationship I could also be aromatic to but idk yet
I have autism so that could be why I find relationships hard same with friendships
You’re aromatic? What aromatic are we talking about then? Frankincense? Myrrh? Cinnamon?
@@genghiskhan6809they meant aromantic
I am asexual. And I would never have sex for "maintenance". Being asexual is not being sexually attracted to people en general. It doesnt mean that you do not have libido, its quite known in the community that some asexuals have a high libido, or for example asexual does not mean that you do not find your partner sexy/attractive. Some asexual like and want to have sex. Some asexuals dont. And some asexuals prefer to just have alone time.
In that is like being heterosexual or gay. Some people just dont want sexy time and others do.
Asexual is about attraction. In this case the lack of sexual attraction not the unwanting to engage in such things.
I was about to put something similar but you worded it perfectly friend
Honestly, its the instigators thst wre a**holes.
Wife is uncomfortable with being ace, thats a real thing
Husband is supportive and can shrug off stuff occasionally
Then you got a couple of people who dont know how tk read in between the lines.
When both the wife and husband are constantly choosing deflective conversation and you keep prying, thats on you. Sure neither of hem outright said "no more about this" but as OP said, she was trying to deflect off of the problem question and he was clearly uncomfortable with it as well. Classic example of play stupid games, get stupid prizes.
The fact that theyre banning him from get togethers over something so asinine practically proves that theyyre the problem.
She needs to get new friends honestly. Good on her for making steps to quickly fix the situation. It may not have been a perfect resolution, but its an earnest attempt.
OP needs to leave. That relationship is not going to last
So I hope people realize it's not normal to talk about your sex life in a room of people especially of the opposite gender lol.
I've had coworkers ask me and I shut that down so fast, don't ask people about their sex life, it's weird and the last thing you should be curious about.
It's pretty normal. It depends on your culture I guess.
@@Gatzlocke I don't know anywhere where it's normal to talk about your sex life mainly because no one who isn't interested cares about your sex life and anyone who does is weird.
This turned out very well and wholesome in my opinion!
He's coping so hard, it's pathetic.
something I gotta say: don't look at intercourse from a maitinence perspective, but as a favor or gift for your partner; as a romantic thing rather than a sexual thing. I mean, what could be more romantic than giving yourself to your partner and recieving them in return?
just something that might help those aesexuals who still want a partner and aren't ADVERSE to the deed.
Dude literally chose a partner that finds him completely and utterly unattractive.....
No, that’s not the problem. She needs to check any medications she takes for side effects that cause low libido. She also needs to have her hormones checked. Decreased to nonexistent libido is a common occurrence in women.
No she has no libido, which is probably a medical issue.
He didn’t know that though and I’m sure she thought she was attracted to him before she realized she was asexual. Can’t blame either of them for that. But what the wife did was messed up letting her friends speak that way to her partner
I used to date an asexual person as someone who has a strong sex drive and needs. And it just didn't work out. Just like someone who wants children with someone who doesn't, we just didn't match up. Of course it wasn't the only reason, others being emotional abuse, but it was one of the main reasons. I didn't want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't desire me.
Hot take, but I feel like people on the asexuality spectrum can only be with someone that's on the asexuality spectrum too. It really limits their choices, and it's sad, but we shouldn't undermine the feelings of people who want to have sex just because so many people say any mention of wanting sex is crude. Its not, its nature.
Gods sake just dump her.
This is all BS
The people saying OPs boundary is harmful to asexual people are insane, and also likely to be some of the first ones crucifying guys that want/demand sex even if their partners don’t want it.
Wife is ATA. Throwing her partner under the bus is cowardly. Friends are NTa. They did what a friend would do if someone was mistreated
No, the friends are the assholes, too. Even when told the truth, very few of them actually tried to apologize to the husband.
Honestly that kind of woman isnt worth being with.
She would openly allow her friends to mock you for something that isnt even your fault and then throw a pissy fit even when she understands shes in the wrong because she couldnt even be bothered to defend her own husband.
I would say if you care more about your friends opinions of you then you do my own feelings then its obvious who you should be with.
For your benefit maybe have an open marriage on your side like a friends with benefit because you know with your wife is doing its kind of f***** up
He doesn’t mind not having sex though
Glad to see the Bro-code still stay strong
ok so you know she was like that before you 2 started or at the start of dating ok fine but the she should of stoped he friends right away so no i dont blame him for so called outing her to her friend as most friends know way to much about there female friends love lifes most the times.
The fact that the guy won’t be invited to further functions and she will be puts the married at risk. How long before they talk about you behind your back and she will just let it happen or join. She has already proven to give in to peer .i would have long chat about removing those friends based on their actions as a couple. The correct response from your wife to those friends needs to be based on how you treated my husband last time we hang out and post hangout I feel that we no longer can be friends, when you treat him bad you Treat me bad. All the best in the future.
Not a lot of comments built up yet so I’ll just say this: if this were switched and it was the man who was asexual, would comments also tell the one who craves sex (the woman in this case scenario) that she’d be justified to leave him and find a sexual partner who is willing?
Yes
I certainly would
Yes. Even misogynists would say yes
The reality is that she would probably already have that sex partner and would keep the ace around for resources.
He should continue going to outings purely to stand his ground. The wifes friend group arent the victims, and they dont get to just uninvite op. His wife made him a punching bag and expected him to take it. Her friends verbally attacked him and when he stood up for himself they have the nerve to say hes the problem and essentially blacklist him from future events. Vile.
Asexuality and wife!? 2 words that doesn't belong in a sentence
There's such a thing as a loving and validating romantic relationship. Wives are not sex toys.
@@garden_creature There are many types of relationships. What makes a romantic relationship, romantic, as opposed to another type is Eros. If there is no eros, it is not romantic.
I’d disagree
She's such a loser to lie to her friends like that at the expense of her husband