Fighting to Heal and Draw [Caulifla]
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- Опубліковано 4 лип 2024
- Dragonball characters are my personal bane.
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Hello, Plague. As a medical practitioner, some of the symptoms you’re describing (early insomnia, feeling worse in the morning and improving as the day goes by, diminished enjoyment or anhedonia) can be attributed to endogenous depression; the kind of depression that more closely resembles an illness (so you would be right about the chemicals!).
Although I don’t know the details, I’d definitely ask a professional for input, since this type of depression is the one were prescription can help the most.
But beyond the medical advice (which is not the only factor in making one feel sad), just wanted to tell you something.
Two weeks ago I was having a very rough time. I was away on a working trip, very far from my loved ones and feeling dejected and in pain. I had these thoughts of worthlessness and a heavy feeling of emptiness inside; I was about to start buying alcohol to try to make it go away (that would have been my first time to go that route, surprisingly).
And then, your video on Android 16 showed up in my recommendations. My mind stopped and sort of allowed me to watch the video, as if it had just found something to latch onto. And the thoughts just went away.
I’ve never been the biggest fan of Dragon Ball; I watched it when I was a kid, intermittently. But it is comfortable to go back, to sort of let yourself be taken to a familiar place. And that’s what your video did to me, and that’s how it single-handedly brought me back from a very dark place.
As you said, I’m just a person on the internet. There’s not much we can do, since it’s the mind that needs to come to its own conclusions for them to be effective.
But I wanted to tell you that I respect the hell out of you. You’re analytical but you’re kind, and that’s a very important combination. So important, in fact, that it moved a guy from Spain to make a UA-cam account just to let you know that you are doing fine.
So keep it up. Be kind as always, but also to yourself.
Take care!
Honestly, I love the idea of therapy. I would run a therapist ragged. But, you know. America, money, health insurance. I took escitalopram for a few months to try to leverage out some very dark, despairing thoughts. Didn't want to live on the stuff though. The first week was nightmarish, and it was rough for even months afterwards.
I understand the root of my issues though, which don't really have 'solutions' that are available to me due to my age and living situation. (A lot of my issues are wrapped up in the feeling that all of my younger life was stolen.) But point being, medication and even my videos are temporary help, I feel. Therapy but would be a better long term option since so much of how we process things comes down to our foundational experiences.
I'm glad that video helped. Weirdly I also listened to it myself in bed one day just to remind myself of when I was feeling better, since I knew other people had enjoyed it. Hello to Spain, if I understood that correctly! All the Spanish people I know of (not many, but still) are all friendly and kind. So far...
@@PlagueOfGripes Even if you're iffy on medication, therapy goes a long way to helping you mentally. Take it from me, find a therapist who is willing to work *with you* rather than one who'll passively have you do all the heavy lifting without reinforced affirmation. Therapy isn't a sign of weakness. It's a rebuilding process first and foremost.
As i listen to this. I dont think Plague understands how relatable he is. The seeking of affirmation and approval from others is a human thing. Regardless of your upbringing. You come off as Intelligent and wise. Us Humans are all up in their own little worlds, we all love being praised for things. No one leaves a comment just so no one sees it do they? Otherwise why leave one at all? A good way to look at this is your not alone in how you feel. You want to do something but you feel tired and fatigued to do anything rigth. Because you talked about your problems with sleeping. Because you have so many thoughts running through your mind. Try reframing how you see things. You having many thought and ideas running through mind while trying to sleep is a good thing, thats you having Energy, instead of avoiding it. Why not use it to your advantage?
I empathize with him on the sleep thing I suffer that exact same thing.
I spend hours, sometimes all night, listening to music late at night. Trying to sleep, to me, is an oxymoron. Whenever I try, I can't, when I do, I didn't try to. So I surrenderer to it.
Helps that I have very flexible hours.
I think he is self aware. And that’s one reason why we relate.
@itsbullzie Ironically I’ve had my comment notifs off the entire time I’ve had this account, purely so I can remove my thoughts from the infinite loop of my mind and be done with it
I’ve even impulsively deleted and reposted comments just to avoid anyone responding in the few times I went to a video and already had that thought prior. (tunes out you *can* remove another accounts posts) completely insane I know.
But it turns out there is at least one person on earth who does that, yes.
17:15 Mega relatable. I'll find myself having free time on the weekend and just end up laying in bed staring at the ceiling, despite the fact I have so many other lovely things I could be doing.
24:04 For anyone who is wondering, since Plague is okay with the discussion in the comments.
I believe Eli is referring to Paul a.k.a. Mitten Squad, he made alot of challenge run videos for games like Elder Scrolls and Fallout, description checks out, substance abuse, long periods of radio silence, and thoughts of self harm. I loved his content, and it never failed to put a smile on my face, he was only approximately 26 years old.
I couldn't remember his name off the top of my head, but yeah. Paul I think (?) was a psuedonymn. I hate seeing stuff like this happen to people, especially knowing it may have been preventable.
He died? Well shit I only saw he stopped uploading randomly after a sudden return
I don't think you realize the impact your videos make on many people. You have an incredibly rare combination of keen, analytical intellect, self-awareness, and strong sense of empathy.
And don't take this for some rando psychofan trying to fellate your internet personality status either. About five or six years ago, I was a sad sack of a person stewing in the symptoms of the abuse I had been subjected to throughout my childhood. I was in a dangerous, unhealthy, go-nowhere job that served to only keep me miserable and poor. It was by sheer chance the youtube algorithm suggested one of your videos. It was the Let's Plague Dark Souls video where you talked about the infamous Pile Of Bricks. Watching that video lead to me wanting to watch your other videos.
You've talked about stuff and said things that helped me see my situation for what it really was, and it was videos like these that catalyzed the process of healing myself. It is LITERALLY thanks to you that I went from hauling around horrible chemicals in a very OSHA non-compliant warehouse half the day and spending the remaining half trying to ignore the overwhelming self-loathing I felt, to going back to school and succeeding where I failed before and finally finding work in the field that was my TRUE passion. There have been even further knock on effects, such as finding the love of my life, figuring out who my true friends are, and being a better friend to said true friends; reconnecting with estranged family that I had long ago been gaslit into thinking were unreliable and/or malicious when the opposite was true; getting in to the best shape of my life. And even if I lost all of that, I think in the end, I'd still be ok (assuming that one of said things I lost was not, in fact, also my life).
I almost NEVER comment on anything on the internet. This is the video that finally drew me out long enough to sit down and spend the better part of an hour trying to write this one comment. And the ultimate takeaway I intended for this was that if you just making the things you felt like making and sharing them with the wider world was able to incite such change in *me*, then it has definitely done so for many, many others. I cannot imagine you've had a negative impact on anyone else's life based on the things you produce and share with everyone.
Which is why I beg you for the love of all that is holy go talk to a psychotherapist, one that can prescribe you drugs because the symptoms of what you describe matches the criteria of a few types of internal neurological disorders caused by external factors (Long COVID is currently considered one of them, if you've ever caught that or one of it's variants). As someone who is now working in a neuroscience field, I am confident that if you were to see a professional you could, in time, find a drug that works for you and gets you back to a better place.
Glad to hear all of that. And I also know the agony of spending an hour writing a comment. Usually without realizing I was doing it. If therapy was free, I'd be all over it. Actually seems like it would be a lot of "fun." Do you feel like your own improvements started from lots of small positive changes, or by escaping environments and decisions causing it? I often feel like everything comes back to control over your life, goals and having lots of small sources of positive change and enjoyment. Always interesting to see the path others took.
Definitely the most valuable part of your channel, at least for me, is definitely the wisdom you impart while you draw or talk. Even the gripe videos where you dunk on stuff like dragonball or Naruto. Writing advice, life advice, sharing experiences, it's why this my favorite art channel.
Im not trying to be socially parasitic but I figured the weird "I need to go to sleep but I am asleep but I need to sleep harder" thing and for me it's 4am when I get that second wind. It's interesting hearing about a person with such a weirdly specific set of night related issues if nothing else.
I feel very seen. My family are mostly awful people and i have had to cut most of them off for that reason. My siblings dealt with a lot of the same trauma and that has allowed us to bond much stronger. I've also been lucky enough to make friends who i consider my true family. I also regularly fight depression and dissatisfaction with my life and the things i enjoy. I'm working to get and feel better mentally and physically. I have appreciated your work and gotten quite a bit from it. the art and writing gripes have given me a lot of ideas and structure to my own creativity. Thank you for being a kind and thoughtful presence as well as being very funny.
In my case, I had one family member that poisoned the whole family. So I grew up feeling very similar. Terrible for a young person because you can't escape it. I'm very glad to hear you've found friends to serve that role!
Caulifla is Eli's maybe-daughter. For context check out Universe 6 Saiyans and Narrative Disillusion [DBG #3].
So I’m not the type of guy that comments on UA-cam videos. I’m also not typically the kind of guy that watches your art videos, because I’m legally blind. But the way you speak so honestly, and lower your guard to display that honesty is just… Such a refreshing breath of air. Always was a fan of your content, long time fan, but I will be sitting down for more of these art videos moving forward, despite not being able to see them, because I truly appreciate your perspective and personality. From a novelist to another artist, I wish you the whole best moving forward.
By coincidence, I'm also legally blind. Without heavy duty corrective lenses/contacts, I can barely see basic shapes as blobs of color. It's incredibly frustrating. I appreciate it! Can't say ALL my art videos are insightful though, haha
It's crazy how powerfully our state of mind can affect everything in our life. Opportunities, finances, social and familial, and especially the physical. Including symptoms of physical ailments. All just from our mind
Things are only a problem if we allow them to be. I envy the people who can truly free themselves from such feelings.
Good lord this hits a little too close to home. I lost my dad to cancer back in ‘18 his biggest problem was the chemo that ruined his mental completely.
Possibly the greatest lesson I learned that day was “ doesn’t matter how good the doctor or the medicine given to you is. If you don’t wanna get better then nothing will actually work “
Unfortunately there are indeed problems that *are* problems
Love hearing from you, Plague! Stay safe. Happy Freeza Day.
Your in my thoughts & prayers man. You'll pull through keep going the distance. I empathize with your sleep problems don't fret man it won't add a day to your life. I know you can endure take it easy man.
My biggest realization at therapy (so far) was when I described my problems and fears as "stereotypical" and "classic". It is normal to feel fear, anxiety, shit and depressive. From there you can see it as any common illness and start treating yourself, not "treasuring" your precious unique personality disorder. This world is big and complicated and it takes more than food and a roof over our head to stay healthy.
Def can agree with that. Once you explain what is happening to you, it sounds much more normal, even cliché. In a way that hurted my ego, I think deep down I wanted to feel like I was special and what is happening to me was unique. But that´s not healthy or productive to getting better.
@@JM-tj5qm I feel that. I wish you strength on your path!
You've touched on a lot I've also been feeling a lot lately. In my case it's anxiety that prevents me from going to sleep. The only answer I found is to work out to the point of exhaustion to get rid of pent up energy. Whatever method you find I hope you get it soon, Good luck, man. I love these uploads, your hard work shows.
You really need to be relaxed and unfocused to get to sleep well. So anxiety definitely destroys that. It's why I'm thankful I feel worse in mornings than night, and I try to save my good time adventure stuff for just prior to sleep. No easy solution to it, and your day almost feels like a full day plan to try to mitigate one problem.
Plague, as someone going through the process you’re describing, I appreciate your candor. Thank you.
It’s nice to know I’m not alone in trying to squeeze a bit more juice out of the old head-meat.
That's kind of funny cuz I'm like MAINLY here for the Art Gripes. I found you through Choose Your Partner which I still love to this day. I'm going to cosplay Professor Harkness one day. I think I fell into art Gripes because of the Nanners picture. I may have watched the Gohan video before that but I remember Nanners making me want to watch the rest.
Others have already said it and it is kinda like "well duh" advice but for me the best thing that helped my sleep was semi regular exercise. It tells my brain "oh hey, you need to sleep and stay asleep to recover from your workout" and it makes sleeping so much easier.
I always appreciate these kinds of videos. They give me a chance to kind of just zone out at work and just get introspective for like a half hour.
This video surprisingly meant a lot to me.
Watching this while I am currently going through a massive inability to move past a misunderstanding. The other party completely shut down the conversation despite the small misunderstanding and completely cut me off from their entire circle over it. And the I have full understanding that should likely mean I don't want to be around there. But then my brain is like "but this should be easy to just talk about this. Cause no one was actually trying to cause a problem. But this this this etc" and it just goes on and on and on. And their minor relation to another circle I still do hang out with keeps twisting the knife. It completely paused all my content creation, desire to do anything, and just the ability to even sleep. Brain wont stop despite me wanting to forget about it. I feel completely helpless.
The only thing I've found that brings me out of it is actively engaging in vocal conversation with another person. I get entirely focused on them and can even play games and stuff again as long as I am engaging with them. But most people around me have been busy or want to do other things. And then having too many voices around also pushes me away due to my own inner workings. And the second I disengage every little rumination comes flowing back in. But having recognized that, I've started trying to seek out a friend who wants to do something on the regular.
And I feel like all of this was an extension of the anxiety id been feeling cause I don't have all my coop gaming friends anymore. Coop games was always a way I would relax, and that's been mostly absent from my life this year. I'm hopeful I found a way to heal but Its still a work in progress. Regardless all this to say is this video really brought out a strong feeling of vindication and relate-ability. I don't know how I will move from here, but You at least made me feel like I am not alone,
Thank you.
The comments alone absolutely prove you're not alone!
Love me a good art gripe/pleaguecast. Happy Holidays Eli, much love from some dude and his cats and dogs from Minnesota.
Not a doctor, but those do sound like the same anxiety symptoms I also struggle with and medication has helped both with quality and length of sleep.
Prescribed?
@@PlagueOfGripes yes, both a mild anti-anxiety med to help with racing thoughts and a sleep aid
For all that UA-cam is and does, you’ve got a far reaching audience Plague. You’re valued and appreciated to strangers all over the internet and the world even if it sometimes doesn’t feel like it. Love coming your way from Scotland brother
Definitely good to have a creator who can put the anxiety into words I can listen to while I start early at work. Have a good Christmas mate
Its a good day when Southern Socrates is back.
Also yeah the kind of numb downer feeling might be from the poor sleep. I generally get 5 to 6 hours of sleep and feel that. It gets way better when i break that cycle for a bit
Your point about how we try to control our reality in order to not feel fear got to me, i've been dealing with that for a long time, and well, it sometimes causes problems with the people around me.
The fear of losing someone, of being abandoned (all thanks to previous childhood trauma) generates a strong anxiety in me, and whenever i've tried to pull someone to me, sometimes i push them instead, and i know it's all irrational, like how you say that you also know some things that you do are irrational, kinda... weird, we know we shouldn't pay any mind to our feelings, but they're still there.
Anyway, just screaming to the void out here haha, but thanks for your down to earth videos, they feel a bit nice to have on whenever i feel down and want someone to soothe my anxiety
I've had a few friends like that, in the sense that they try to push you away for whatever reason. It's usually all fear-based. From the other side, it's difficult because you can't rationalize with that fear response. One specifically has averse personality disorder, so if something ever went remotely wrong, it was a total shutdown and avoidance for weeks or months. Now years. Ultimately, everyone's issues have to be solved internally. It all stems from the self.
@@PlagueOfGripesGot notifications off, didnt realize you actually answered haha, usually comments like these tend to be ignored (and I cant blame anyone for that, there are thousands of these in each upload)
Anyway, about the topic, yes, it is fear-based, but as you say, it's difficult to rationalize it as such whenever one is having an episode, certainly, to think at those critical moments feels... almost like a herculean task? Like, you dont wanna bother the other person, but you still want them to help you with those feelings, to know that they'll still be there (at least, that's my case, some are more avoidant like your friend, some are more "control-based" like me)
By the way, i hope things didnt end up that badly with the friends you had that were similar to me, you're right that this is all something we should deal internally for the most part, so... yeah, i'll keep trying, dont want to end up like a hermit or something haha, anyway, thanks for the in-depth response, and happy holidays, you matter, you said that we should focus about what we leave behind, and you've done a lot, there's a lot of people that your videos have helped, remember that
thanks for the podcast, it's nice relating to the 'need' to hear you're doing fine.
A lot to think about in many ways, thank you for sharing your experiences and what you've learned.
I have the "Trying to sleep but you have to forcibly tell your head to shut the fuck up or it just keeps going for 5 hours" problem too
Plague I enjoy all of your videos, you are one of the few creators that I will instantly click on when I see a new video in my feed. You don't just produce 'content' you actually have something to say, you make art.
Keep your head up and as you said , do the work.
This has been therapeutic. Thank you
Happy holidays Plague! Ive been a fan of your channel since I was in middle school and videos like this helped me develop as an artist and person. I really appreciate the work you do and the insights you give. Wishing you the best with dealing with this.
Plague sayen style is definitely the best
You'll always be an inspiration to me, Eli. Congrats on all your recent achievements. Keep chasing and reaching your goals.
I have the same sleep issues as you. Wake up after 5 or 6 hours, brain starts going, quickly hits full speed and there's no going back. Tired as hell a few hours later, push through it, spend all day between exaustion and caffeine highs. Too much work, too much to worry about.
The overly relatable situation of being awake in the middle of the night, feeling "good" instead of overly anxious, depressed and whatnot, but alone.
I did Game Design, but burnt out super hard years ago. So I'm in the situation of wanting to do it as a creative outlet, but whenever I try to do it, I just barely do anything.
Often I end up playing games instead but don't get that feeling of accomplishing something.
Glad to hear from you again :)
I appreciate how raw you're willing to be in these videos. I wish I could give you a hug but I guess a comment will have to suffice.
Honestly, this is all so relatable. I also have a lot of issues with sleeping and I'm finally beginning to realise that its problem a big part of why my mood gets low, or I lack the energy to draw that day, or I'm a little bit off in my interactions. But sometimes, when you have 4 hours of sleep and then 3 or 4 of just laying there trying to hopelessly get back to sleep its kinda tough. What I started doing about a year ago, is when I wake up from a disturbed sleep, I turn on some white noise videos, usually rain and thunder sounds on UA-cam and that sends me back to sleep (which I'll do in a moment actually).
Also I feel the same way about seeking approval from others. I'm an artist on Twitter and the feeling of getting content out is the highlight of my day as drawing can be a bit of a solitary thing until its shared. There are lots of hours that go by before you can finally 'release' everything you built up in the day, and then my mood tends to relax a whole lot more. But then it makes me grateful for having art in my life because at least theres a means of finding that satisfaction or release that I probably wouldn't have otherwise.
Also, your Caulifla is awesome. I first saw you draw Cauli around 4 years ago when I was first travelling abroad. It's nice to know you're still drawing her. Cauli funnily enough has had a big impact on my life. She's what started my obsession with drawing and led to me meeting all my current friends actually, so I'll always be grateful to her for that. Hope to see you continue drawing her. Characters can sometimes be much more than just a trope or a thing we see on television or a game, and can grow to have lives of their own and meanings to us beyond anything the creators do with them and Cauli is definitely one of those for some of us.
I appreciate you and your work Plague, hope you get to feeling better.
Plague of Wisdom. Glad for the upload, man.
He's like the Obi-Wan of nice art, empathy and relatability
Thanks for sharing Plague, this was a vey insightful discussion and gave me alot to think about. Best Wishes
Papa Plague, bringer of quality content and an artist through and through...
If it wasn't for your content (as well as some people i've met online) I would've probably took my own life long ago, thanks to you telling your experiences and ponderings about life made me think a little deeper about it (as much as my peanut-sized, dragon ball-filled brain allowed me) about the possibilities I could be missing, the experiences i could live and fulfilling crap I definitely want, and thanks to people I sadly haven't talked to in a long time, I finally broke out of my shell and spoke about my problems.
Currently going through therapy sessions, taking some mild medicine for the brain's disturbed thoughts and also for sleep (cuz my sleep schedule is a MESS) and had some studies done recently to get an idea of what's going on in this nogging.
Anyways, I hope you know you're very appreciated in this strange and weirdly cozy niche you carved out by yourself.
One thing that helps me sleep is finding any part of your body that is still kinda active and making it as relaxed as possible. You might have a slightly clenched hand or an arm in an awkward position.try and make your muscles to as little work as possible
This might have been what I needed to hear right now, so thanks a lot Plague. See you next video.
I had to pull all nighters multiple times to fix my sleep schedule working out and leaving the house helped alot
I completely feel you on the anxiety stuff. Weirdly enough that's why I started drawing myself is it's kind of the only thing I can do where I feel at ease a lot of the time.
You're doing a good job, Plague.
Thanks Plague :)
Looks dope I love the hair and face especially
Listening to you talk about your life is very validating. so many childhood similarities
Maybe one day I’ll actually internalize advice and use it before I completely forget what was said again
'Tis the season for these kinds of feelings.
Anybody who has them at any point gets them amped up closer to the holiday months
Looking forward to them being over. Hearing your voice and motes of wisdom helps me, personally. I hope knowing you're helping others can help you somehow, too.
Does Back Tingles make anyone else angry? Cause I am enraged right now!
I was always pretty argumentative as a kid too, and was even diagnosed with ODD at one point - it's interesting to hear you were too, and how that kind of coalesced into the critical way in which you view media. Maybe that's why I resonate with your thoughts on things so much despite being a decade apart in age.
Thank you for this video.
I used to get the feeling like I'm not sleeping while sleeping like you described. I usually would get it after taking melatonin. Not saying that is what's going on with you, just you put into words that experience I had.
hm hi, iam just a guy, from brazil actually, hearing you made me feel an extreme amount of empathy, and while i do know that just leaving a comment will do nothing, i felt compelled to do it, you are a very valuable person just for existing, very smart too and i like to hear your opinions, i hope things get better for you my fellow human
Nice work
im like half your age but i recognize and have experienced a lot of what you talk about feeling in your art gripes, specifically concerning annexiety and depression
Ya goofed Plague. Ima give you to much engagement now
I had somehow believed you would talk about Paul in this video. I guess it's because he's been on my mind so much these past months. It's a tragedy. I resist these notions of parasocial connections due to their tendency towards toxicity, but I can't ignore how much my content creators have made me who I am.
Thank you for talking to us today. You're not my friend, we will never know each other, but you are important to me. You matter to me as my childhood home does, as my favorite campground-you are not mine, but you make my world better.
For the record: I intend to watch the Baldur's Gate video after I've played and beaten it. I just don't have the free time to play a really long game right now. Being old is the worst.
16:00 Everything that starts here is me to a T. Background anxiety, not enjoying video games, launching them anyway then getting even more dissatisfied. Oof.
Hey Eli, in all the years I’ve been watching your content I’ve never heard you mention trying some sort of exercise regimen? I know I’m just a random internet guy, but there is a lot of evidence showing strong correlation between exercise, sleep and mental health. Obviously I don’t know what you have tried and what you have not, but it has been a cornerstone in my own journey and I just try to advocate it to everybody.
Sleep issues are... really bad. I don't say it's a panacea, but my sleep and MH have improved a lot since my cat Sammy came into my life. A warm murderfloof does wonders for sleep and happiness at the very least. Or maybe that's just for me, but... can't hurt to try if you want to.
Art gripes was the last thing I learned you did, first I was recommended all the anime videos on the sidebar over the course of a few weeks, and I wouldn't have ever known if I didn't click your profile, since youtube categorically refused to recommend them.
I think it's the same case for a lot of people, the recent hunter x hunter video must have done the same for a number of people.
Hello plague, I know that feeling of sleeping but not really. I have had it since I was a kid. Now, 35, I think it's insomnia. Or that's what my parents told me. It's fucked up. I usually just let it rock and for me, if I can, I sleep in the afternoon if I can. If I have work, I just power through it and catch it up in the following evening. I'm a little relieved that it's not just a me thing.
3rd Yay me, but seriously Plague, diet, sleep, exercise and meditation for bonus points, if any of these are unbalanced or neglected, I find it can really stuff around my flow in life. Hope you find your balance buddy, good luck! 👍
It’s not my back that tingles when I think about Caulifla.
Early in the video so might just be saying something you already know, I recommend trying to listen to a monotone or relaxing thing, or even trying to imagine things while trying to just lay in bed. Could get an extra 3 hours, or at least distract yourself from thoughts that could bring you down for a bit.
Tldr: listening to some relaxing could help your mind attach to something other than anything negative. Feel free to ignore me if it already doesn't work or something. 👍
I like white noise. Sometimes I'll listen to a video with someone talking at certain frequencies. So many youtubers scream that it can be a little hard to doze off to most.
i like your kajit animations alot.
In 1940, during the London blitz, there were more fires than the system could possibly handle. To make matters worse, the fire trucks that were understaffed; the men were off fighting the war.
Salvation came from an odd place; the sanatoriums, where men had been lying in comas, unable to move, where men, inflicted with depression and mental issues that lead them to be incapable of bringing themselves to move, stood, put on coats, and volunteered.
What you say in the video about staving off ennui and anxiety by creating art, it rings a similar bell in my mind.
Give a man purpose, a chance to be productive, a chance to make a positive difference in the world, and he'll crawl through broken glass with a smile on his face.
A lot of issues stem from feelings of not being loved, hopelessness or inaction. I imagine a job of helping others could help a lot with that for some people.
They allowed patients to just up and leave to fight fires? Did any go with the flow so that they could try to disappear?
Tis the season tralalala la la la
While I was watching you, I could see you were really struggling with making sure everything was just right. And the re-drawing and the morphing of the lines and just trying to draw her face correctly. I could tell you were struggling to get the creative juices flowing. When you have those days don’t try and force it my guy! If you’re not feeling it you’re not feeling it, no need to force yourself to keep yourself busy. You still did fantastic on the drawing as always though! Still such a good source of creative inspiration!
I had a feeling you were older than most of the UA-camrs that I watch. The way you sound and talk has a tone of experience, not many people have
I love listening to him when I can. I'll definitely join his discord when I can.
I’m still not used to the idea of just joining a strangers discord, I still reel when my friends try to add me to random groups that I fail to jive with
I really like to hear you talk. I like the drawings too but I like your videos the most when what you talk about has nothing to do with drawing.
Been dealing with similar things myself, not being able to sleep, losing perception of time. Also feelings of insatisfaction and like life is something that is just happening to me. I like to think I got better now, therapy has helped for sure.
Its been kind of a shitty week but 34:02 got me right out of that funk. The healthiest laugh ive had in a whille😂😂😂 thanks bro.
[Insert encouraging words here]
I was basically born with sleep problems (my genes is a warzone of genetic disasters XD ) and I know what you mean.
tl;dr I bombard myself with melatonin, because otherwise I either stay awake until I collapse (unhealthy) or I will try to sleep, but time may feel like it passes very fast (I just don't remember stuff because the NOTHING happening doesn't register to memory) and then I either get up, somewhat rested, or finally sleep and maybe manage to wake up at the time I want to.
Obviously it's improbable that we have the same thing, but something as small as trying out melatonin may actually help.
I found melatonin rolls off me too easily. You have to spike it at the right moment or your body just eats it and feels nothing, since that's just how melatonin works in relation to sleep - "Oh it went down suddenly, must be time to sleep." Valerian root does nothing to me. Benadryl will sometimes knock me out, but you can't live off the stuff. Anything beyond that is prescribed, so I have no experience with it. The war on our own bodies is an eternal one.
Thanks McCloud for providing free music for creative use, and thank you Plague.
24:40 Mitten Squad 😔
All will be fine.
i struggle with really bad narcolepsy, and its nothing i can fix. i take meds but all they do is keep me awake for about 5 hours and then i cant help but take a nap, which makes it very hard for me to sleep through nights, especially since I'm not allowed to take melatonin. almost every night, i wake up at around 4:30 am or 5 am, and stare at the ceiling for hours thinking about everything thats wrong with me and everything ive done wrong. i dont live with anyone and my apartment doesnt allow pets and i am very lonely. this is also bad for me because i can end up sleeping for hours on end without anyone being able to wake me up. everyday my routine is wake up, eat, do commissions, and sleep. i dont know if its a cycle or if its just how im supposed to live. narcolepsy is rare so nobody really understands me. all they know is that "im tired and need to get out of bed". i take meds for anxiety, ptsd, and depression, but i dont feel fixed, and i dont think i ever will. my favorite thing (art) have become my barely surviving job. im very used to being alone and rarely leave my house unless for groceries or to take a walk. i dont know how to get better or be normal and i dont think i ever will. listening to things like these make me feel so heard, especially since i havent had anyone near me to listen. i really appreciate your outlooks on life and feelings, playing them in the background as i draw. it feels like some audio recording a friend left me.
Oh, I definitely feel you. The two loop into and feed one another. And bad sleep affects your mindset tremendously. Medication wouldn't make that go away, especially if it's affecting everything about your life. And you end up creating associative thoughts about the place you live in. Since your state of mind also influences your sleep it makes you spiral. Medication is basically just for boosting you up to a point where you can climb out. You're basically stuck in a sand trap right now. Sounds like you need to physically be out more and interacting with people, with greater control over your life. And especially have access to a family member, therapist or so on that understands what's going on. I was looking at my own health insurance and if it covers therapy (barely does); may want to consider that sort of route. You definitely have options and you're not lost. I know that feeling of thinking the uphill climb is too much, but it's made of small motions, not big ones. You have to make small improvements and focus on those positives, and work up from there. And identify what your contributing issues may be. You definitely can get better than things are now, and I totally understand the struggle. I believe in you!
This is so relatable :(
I grew up the same way Plague, In my case I'm the mutated, disabled bastard child of an unstable mother and a coward father who ran. When they weren't simply ignoring or drowning out my existence, my uncle resented me before I was born and even to this day still does, my grandmother was abusive and verbally manipulative, my mother slept or hung out with her friends when she wasn't working, and I didn't have any siblings. Unwanted and ignored, I spent the first 16 or so years of my life simply sitting in a corner, told to stay quiet and out of the way, berated on the regular for just laughing, now I think about it I'm 28 now and not sure that has changed all that much. Something has always felt like it was missing, I guess "love" would fit the bill. It'd explain the jealousy I felt watching other kids interact with their parents growing up.
But it's not all bad. Being an outsider even in your own life gives you a certain degree of perspective few others can obtain, you can remove yourself from your own ego and super ego to gain perspective, see the world for what it is, weigh what's right and wrong from a much less biased perspective than the norm, you can even clinically diagnose yourself from an outside perspective of your own actions, and figure out what's healthy in your behaviors and what's not (even if acting on those diagnosis is it's own difficulty). Hell, with enough practice you can disassociate from yourself and your own "identity" entirely, go top-down in a manner of speaking.
You definitely can't underestimate the impact that kind of upbringing has on you. Especially the feeling of being alien compared to other people, whether it's true or not. It bred a sense of victimization in me that has always made me feel singled out and unlucky. Part of healing can be connections and a feeling of being wanted, but feeling like a sad sack negatively impacts your ability to have fun at all, or feel like you're able to provide that enjoyment to other people. Probably why they call those sorts of problems spirals, of course. It's why I'm big on the idea of slow and steady improvements with a focus on small victories. You get better and better over time. It took me a long time to heal from my own upbringing, but a lot of that was because I couldn't get away from it. Hopefully you've been able to find a better environment to take that positive spiral staircase upwards.
That being said, avoid self diagnosing yourself as there simply is no being unbiased in terms of yourself, be it positive or negative.
What you have managed to do in spite of that is rather good, though.
que belleza
I've gotta find this man's Discord. Always assumed he wouldn't have one, that he was just the type to fly solo. But this vid caught me off-guard and really humanized him for me. In case he reads this, Eli, rest assured: you continually have folks tuning in for basically anything you decide to invest time and energy into. From the walking shitpost that is Prof. Harkness to this more sincere stream of consciousness - you've done well.
If you find it let me know!
You can go to his twitch channel and type !discord in chat
You can go to my Twitch and type in !discord and it'll give the perma-link there.
I'm also an artist, and I relate to the feeling that "somedays, you just can't draw" (Mine is usually ADHD based). But I feel like that's a trick of our mental state more than anything. It's like kayaking upstream, but if you keep going, you'll eventually find your rhythm and fall into the flow state. We're our own biggest critic because we know the intricacies and nuances of everything, and know/think/pray we're better than the level we're performing at.
Days? Try _years._
I've had to endure writer and artist's block for nearly a decade now. You know what the cuase was? Stress. Maximum stress. Even though I didn't _feel_ stressed, my mind became so redirected into work that it removed space for my creative ability to shine. Forcing yourself through it by sheer effort or will is a straight ticket to burnout - speaking from experience. The only thing that solves it isn't just relaxation or adaptation into a stress-free envirionment, it's _freedom._ Freedom from fear. From anxiety.
Anxiety is not a natural way of life. We are not meant to live in or with anxiety. Speaking as a sufferer from it, it is not something we are meant to coexist with and changing your life to get rid of it is extremely important. I tried everything Plague has tried and none of it worked. The only solution - to my creativity, to my anxiety - was God, through Jesus.
I'm glad you found a way to cope, but I found that dealing with my own insecurities and anxieties were actually treated in the opposite of your way. Getting out of and away from people of faith and religious communities gave me the space to unpack and process with all the guilt and shame and anxieties of life.
There's no one way, no ultimate panacea that will work on every single case of anxiety. But a lot of artists are just too hard on themselves, and allow that to really cloud their judgement on day to day creations. I feel like you took my comment personally, and I'm not trying to start a fight, but you came in hot at a comment that clearly doesn't apply to you.
@@_Jay_Maker_
Yeah I know how you feel dude. The key is to try to think positively.
*Practical positivity*
The video has been helpful. Thanks, for sharing your thoughts. I'll definitely join your discord, I'd love to join your streams.
I know you say you think it's purely chemical, but are you sure you don't have just a touch of apnea going on? It can be sneaky, but if you've ever noticed your pulse is especially elevated at the moment you wake up then that could be a giveaway. Might be worth picking up a $20 used CPAP machine off craigslist or a thrift shop and giving that a shot.
these talks are good
Hey man! Long time viewer here. Have you tried playing any of the Dragon Quest games? The joker series has some pretty cool stuff that I am sure you will love to draw.
I want too here more!!
oh hey its you
In regards to sleep, maybe look into your magnesium intake and maybe snagging some supplements. Its an important metal for our neurochemistry and engaging our sleep cycle.
Or maybe some kind of soup kitchen thing idk
Consider talking to therapists with different cultural perspectives. It sounds like the therapist you’re talking about has the cold, “Anglo-Saxon” perspective of tough love where you need to be self-sufficient instead or relying on those around you. This is definitely not the universal perspective and different things work for different people. This UA-camr named Elliot Sang made a great video on this topic called “Touch Starvation: A Community Crisis.” Dr K also has videos on this that I personally found useful.
That touch starvation thing reminded me of my impulsive reaction of avoiding people who take interest in me/ not even noticing their existence. at least that’s what my brain said when I read that
My notifs are off so I doubt I’ll see any response to this until a decade from now
I'm glad to hear you're doing well. I wish I was. I need some friends and probably some anti depressants. Thank you